I empathise with anyone who has to go through No Contact because even when you know it’s the right and necessary course of action for your self-preservation, worrying about what they or others think and the likes of alcohol or a vulnerable moment brought on by another stress, can have you falling off the wagon and feeling as if what you’ve accomplished so far is a “waste”.
It can be particularly difficult to keep your distance when you work with the person or they’re connected to your social circle because you become confused about what ‘polite’ entails, especially because you can’t just switch off and escape them. I worked on the same bank of desks as my ex plus we were in the same social circle and sometimes fear of making things awkward for others caused me to make things incredibly painful for me. It just wasn’t worth it plus our social group really didn’t care that much.
In today’s Advice Wednesday, Sage is studying at the same small university as her ex and after successfully extricating herself from the relationship and maintaining No Contact, she’s fallen off the wagon at the birthday of a mutual friend and then proceeded to tell her ex all about himself and how she just wants to pretend as if it didn’t happen.
I always say that you can make a fall off the No Contact wagon as big or as small as you want it to be. Basically, don’t let it derail you and don’t write off your efforts up until that point. They’re not a waste–they’re something that you can build upon as long as you reflect and take responsibility for how you want to feel going forward, rather than seeing the problem primarily as being about the other party. That’s not to say that your ex might not be all of the things that you think but telling them about themselves without setting a boundary for you means that you would give away your power to evolve out of the situation.
The event in itself helps you understand what made you vulnerable to engaging with your ex and that self-knowledge can be turned into a powerful piece of insight that means that you won’t be vulnerable in the same way in future. You will be able to take command of you.
Have you struggled with No Contact or felt at a loss due to falling off the wagon? How did you evolve out of the situation? What would you do in this situation?
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NC, especially when you are forced to see the ex often, is a process. Unless you are in a situation where you need never see ex again, there will be times when you’re forced into contact. With time, it will bother you less and less until at some point, you will no longer care. Today is the 5 year anniversary of finding, in a very public and humiliating way, that Narcboy had a hidden relationship. I immediately and literally walked away. It’s taken that many years to get to the point where I don’t give a rats if I see him or his latest, another colleague. As he is a colleague, I cannot totally avoid him and he often baited me in the workplace, showed up to my home uninvited when I had parties; all very public so I couldn’t reprimand him. I assume others can get over an ex more rapidly. I was alone, in a small town, a small workplace, not able to relocate at present, no family, no local dating pool, no good options. Baby steps, it took baby steps. Healing is like life’s path; not straight but zig-zag, up and down, forward and back. Don’t beat yourself up, get back up and stay on the journey.
Yes, it happens and has happened to me repeatedly with my person, because I am too weak to not respond and in the moment, I WANT to respond and to see him. Lately I am wondering if this is all part of the process of getting out because lately, even though I do love him and lately have felt closer to him, I actively realize he is not good enough for me and it puts me more in reality vs. fantasy. Does that make sense? It is almost like I need to go through this to be done. Almost like exposure therapy. I have had the same situation with one other EU man in my life and at the end of going back over and over I realized no, it isn’t that I am not good enough, he is not good enough for me because of how this man is/is messed up. I am getting there with this current man also and in seeing him in his true state vs. my love fantasy it makes it easier to move away. I am not ready to go no contact but I believe that he and I can be friends someday. The other EUM I previously described is a friend of mine and admits to being EUM and I know he is. After four years of being apart he is still going through women thinking that he hasn’t found the “right one” even though he knows he is messed up and that HE is the problem. That is his story, not mine. We love each other as people who have known each other in a way few people do and I am glad for that and glad I got out of it/that it is over. Short of things somehow working out with my current EUM I hope for a similar loving friendship at the end of things with this EUM. I have been dating other people/hoping to find an available man who can be in a relationship. I actually met someone I could have been with earlier this year but a very complicated family issue on his end made me end things–he was in agreement that was the right thing to do. Even if I never meet someone I know there will eventually be a resolution with EUM. The thing is with these guys, you love them and some of them do love us, they just cannot follow through with ANY woman and in that respect, it never ends. For now, I am not ready to go but I know I will get there!
I wish I had surefire advice, but I find myself in a similar situation about breaking no contact.
I have had no contact with my ex for more than a year, with only one slip.
She was an excellent amateur photographer, and when we were together, as a former advertising agency designer and creative director, I used to always tell her she could sell her work as a pro.
Six months ago, she took the leap and started selling her photos online, and when I noticed it posted to an online “art gallery,” I wrote an e-mail to congratulate her and offered her any marketing assistance she may need. I could see several rookie mistakes I was dying to mention, tactfully of course.
Her reply to my offer was snippy and clearly she was still pouting about our final fight 6 months before that. I just blew it off and did not reply.
However, I continued to follow her fairly impressive progress, and after 6 more months of observing her posts and those of several other artists I noticed in the process. I decided I could easily submit my own artwork to the same gallery and make some easy money, using my own marketing experience on selling my own work.
Lately, I have been obsessed with wanting to contact her and offer to trade her my marketing savvy that would probably increase her sales by 30-45%, in exchange for her answering my questions about how this gallery pays and otherwise operates, some technical questions, things to watch out for, and general advice that only comes with one’s direct experience and time with an online company.
What I have done so far is write a lot of notes to her I have no plans to send. But there is merit to my wanting to swap information from a professional standpoint, plus I have no desire to share any further emotional or personal information with her. I’m not even curious about her screwball personal life.
But even in our darkest times, we admitted we would have done well as business partners because we have different skills that mesh quite nicely, and we are both quick thinkers with good instincts.
I want no part her beyond limited contact regarding this specific business.
What do you think, Natalie and readers?
P.S. If she rebuked me again; I wouldn’t dignify any more of her personal drama with a response. I’d return to NC on a permanent basis.
Karen,
Honestly, since you view it as extra income for you, you can find out everything you need to know about the company by signing on with it yourself. It’s always nice to have inside info, but it’s not necessary. Given how you’ve described your ex, how could it possibly be worth the price of being in contact with her in any way at all? She’s already occupying too many of your thoughts as it is.
Plus, her income and how to increase it isn’t a concern of yours. Frankly I’d be pissed off if an ex of mine contacted me to offer unsolicited advice on any aspect of my business, whether personal or professional.
Karen,
You are so strong, you’re a great writer, and you make me laugh the way you infuse humor in your descriptions. You know that making contact will inevitably hurt. Looking at the gallery is comparable to surfing a common social media or dating site where you can watch at a distance. Find another site. Don’t be tempted. Don’t give that narcissist any fuel. It will turn into sliding off the pizza (something like that you said, right?) and splitting all over you. Don’t help her! Stay away! Pick something else. ANYTHING ELSE!!!
*Cheese sliding off the pizza and splatting!
It’s easy enough to not follow her on that gallery site, and I like the space as a way of meeting other artists and making money on existing art I created years ago but had stuffed away in files, collecting dust.
Stop. No reason to reach out.
Agreed Karen, do not reach out. Think about it – when we want advice, we want it from someone that has our best interests at heart. When I went NC with the EUM I was in the position more than once of needing professional advice from him. I absolutely did not reach out, because I didn’t trust the advice I would get and / or what he would imply about my skills or myself or whatever. Your ex is a not-good person. Not-good people don’t give good generous compassionate encouraging motivating advice.
Finally – some of your reasons sound a bit rationalizing. Don’t rationalize yourself into breaking NC!
Karen,
It seems like you want to maybe be with your ex more than be with her. In some ways I have felt the same way…I have a very professional field and locked down job but worked as a writer for many years. My guy also worked in a very professional field and left and is now trying to sell his art and works a second, non-traditional job now. I am unhappy with my work and it dawned on me recently that part of me envies him — in fact, I talked with him the other day and he encouraged me to make my crazy break like he has! Do you think part of the allure of your ex is envy? I think mine is and maybe even competitiveness. I am not an artist and he is pretty good but I am a good writer…I have made it a goal to work on that as part of my recovery. That being said, I share my writing with him and I wonder if it is all just a way for me to hang onto him/try to maintain a connection. Do you think this could be the case? Sounds like you do not need her to be successful!!
Karen, I meant to say do you think you want to “be” your ex more than be with her…
Thanks all, for the great observations.
I wrote another note this morning that I had no intentions of sending, and as I thought about it more, I realized that I can look for a group on Facebook that uses the same gallery and ask the members the questions I would have asked her.
Some of my motives were probably shady as Hell. I’m doing pretty well on the site, and in less than one week the company put two of my pieces into their company gallery. I think I wanted to show off and rub her nose in it.
I’ve always made more money than she, and I probably wanted to mention that I was having early success in my new online gallery, too. That’s kind of pissy of me, I know, but at least I caught it in time.
But she can find her own ways to increase sales and exposure–I’m not her fairy godmother, mentor or even a friend.
I don’t plan to contact her again about this or any topic–she was a rat, cheater and liar and she can let one of her new victims help her market her work.
Thanks again y’all.
OMG!!! THIS! The envy and competitiveness has kept me TRAPPED for two years. I make bad decisions off it and also at the same time want to ask him for advice/create and work with him.
Is this because we don’t feel worthy or sure of ourselves on our own?
It’s also hard to find people to click with creatively/professionally who are similar – not sure I’ll find it again
I wasn’t very happy when I met my on and off guy and it’s almost like meeting him gave me hope. We are Soooo similar yet he is doing great professionally, while my work life is awful and currently at the moment non existent
Can anyone speak more on this? I really need some help 🙁
Falling off the NC wagon can happen, we’re human. It’s hard for me as we share the same social circle, so it’s a matter of time before we see each other at group functions. Just the sight of his name on a mutual friend’s FB post can be enough to trigger me. I sit on my hands when I get the urge to reach out and keep myself occupied until it passes, rehashing all the reasons I needed to let go of a toxic and highly dysfunctional relationship…irrespective of how much I loved him. I think the most important thing to avoid doing if u break no contact is to shame yourself. I’ve always felt shame since my childhood… that I wasn’t good enough, that I must’ve done things to make him behave so hot and cold, that I was so blind to the dysfunction for so long that I lost my self-respect and self-esteem, that I’d break no contact time and time again. Enough!!! When u work really hard at loving yourself, it becomes easier to stop feeling shame. It’s part of the healing process. You forgive yourself and say “try again”as you’d tell a good friend, and u keep moving forward. And u remind yourself that with a big loving, giving, open and compassionate heart, it’s easier to be hurt and vulnerable. But I wouldn’t want to change anything about me, except to be a more self-loving and smarter version of me! Reading Nat’s posts and those of her readers have helped me so much with this. It’s my place to go to detox and get my head on straight when I need some inspiration and motivation 🙂
Yes. Yes. Yes. You said it so well. The better you feel about yourself the easier it gets. IT being everything. Baby steps. Incremental progress. And exercise. I’ve always hated exercise but I find making the time to do it is so rewarding. And fills me with oxytocin. And makes me feel better about myself which makes so many other things easier. Like forgiving me for being human.
Right on!
OMG! Fell off the wagon so many times with my ex fiance! However, each time I slid backwards (especially when he initiated contact), I saw the situation more clearly, and was able to let go further. I truly did love him, and always hoped with time and distance we could relate healthily. I yearned for his validation. He only came back to poke fun at me, and see if I still wanted him. I finally had to block his number to stop the madness. My mind still goes there sometimes, and I think it’s just normal for it to want to make sense of nonsense. I have to stay present, grounded in reality, and validate myself. We are not our thoughts, and deep down at our core, we know we deserve better. Stay true to your center! Nat, your blog has been a lifesaver!
My ex contacted me after 8 months of her silence, 6 months since my last email to her (an apology) and 5 months of her being blocked on Facebook (she wouldn’t answer me, she just left me there- the rejection was too much to take.
Then, last week, she text me but it wasn’t to me. We’re both women and she was asking for a quote for a cosmetic treatment. She said “Hi, this is Jane from Dr. Smith’s office. I’m interested in a certain treatment & wanted to know more about it. Thx! Hope you’re doing great! ????”
Ugh. I just about threw the phone to the other side of the room. My mind swirled, “Was this an accident?!”
I was confused. I had long since deleted her contact info from my phone, back when I blocked her on Facebook. Actually, she had been blocked on my phone too only up to 3 days before her text. I unblocked her, thinking I was getting over it and never thought she would text me.
My last text to her was 8 months ago.
Over the next two days, I rationalized that maybe she had changed. Maybe her ego got the better of her, so I responded, telling her who I was and that she mistakenly sent a text to me. After 8 months of silence, she wrote one word: SORRY
Over the next few days, I rationalized again and text messaged her, asking how she had been doing. No response. Silence. I was ignored again.
I have no idea if her text to me was a mistake or not. I really don’t want to know.
At this point, here is where I would have majorly freaked out. I would have unblocked her on Facebook, emailed her a longgggggg explanation of my feelings, including where I’ve been and why I blocked her. Not this time.
I knew I made a mistake the second I sent it, but I had to learn the lesson. And that’s okay. Two days after my text message to her which got ignored, I changed my number. No heads up to her. No final, dramatic words. Just changing my number.
Perhaps she expected me to unblock her by now, spilling my guts, asking her to talk to me again. Nope. I shouldn’t have responded, but I needed to have that happen one final time in order to learn the lesson.
Oops. At the end of her text, there was a kissy face emojii. Not question marks. Lol.
Tiffany–it was a set-up. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Too bad they don’t make an emojii of a butt with a lipstick kiss on it. 😉
Yes Karen, it seems to have been a set-up. Lol! What a great idea for a smiley haha!!!! 😉
So are you Tiffany2 too, or are three of us? I’ll go back to tiffrbug. 🙂 I agree with Karen. She was setting you up. Sounds like some hovering to me.
Bet there are lots more than three of us. Lesbian drama is as famous as lesbian bed death. LOL
Breaking NC feels SO bad from my experience, but it can be so hard to avoid at times. I see my ex MM at work fairly often, in the halls and elevators. I generally try to avoid him and just give short responses back if he says hi and asks how I am. Latelu there have been a number of times that he seemed to be stalking me to “run into me” (always standing by the entrance to our building texting people at the exact time he knows I come to work, etc.)
Even though I pretty much despise him now, and he’s got a baby so I want nothing to do with him, I got excited when I saw that he seemed to be curious about me and what I was up to after 7 months no contact (and 4 months before that). It felt better than wallowing in self-pity and shame over everything that had happened between us and how he treated me since.
But when he says hi and tries to start a conversation in the hallway, etc. and I tried not to be rude and just ignore him, he was quick to make it seem like, “oh sorry, I know you want to talk but I’ve got to run…” What a big ego loser!
He’s the one who’s trying to run into me and trying to start conversations at work while I try to avoid him. After a few broken NC incidents last year, which always left me feeling TERRIBLE, I’ve come to realize that he is just fishing around for an ego stroke. I think that he can sense that after so much time without contact and all the self work that I’ve been doing (though he wouldn’t see that), that I am actually moving on and getting over him. I think on some level, he can’t handle it and wants to keep me hooked. But it’s the same ole shite sandwich that he’s trying to get me to bite. He just wants to see that I still like him and put me in thenpositionNo thanks! Everyday I have to make the decision to keep moving forward, to stop beating myself up for breaking NC and other mistakes and to keep letting go of the idea of who I thought this guy was.
I nearly fell off the No Contact wagon last year after 26 years. I was clearing out some things and I considered returning my ex-Narcissist’s childhood teddy bear. I found out online where he worked (something I had not known all those years). I would have couriered it to his workplace anonymously with no tracking or my address/phone details etc. I didn’t want him to contact me.
Fortunately I saw the light. It is just too dangerous or silly to get in touch with such toxic people despite the guilt of me still looking after it. (sigh) I went years feeling meh, indifferent and not thinking at all about him because we had both moved on. But the internet makes it too easy to see things or in his case more lies and fakery, that it has resurfaced some anger. It proves they do not change.
No Good can come of looking up an ex online.
To quote John Candy from Cool Runnings “clearly it’s still not enough time” as he put his hand out to shake an old aquaintance who refused and turned his back on him.
I think it’s important to remind ourselves that narcissists first observe us from a distance until they know exactly what we have, or what we lack. Then they invent a character they know will impress and attract us. My rat trapped me in 2000, toyed with me on and off for 3 years until l got fed up and dumped her. NC for 10 years. But the second time we got in touch she added charm and affection l had no idea she possessed 10 years earlier. Now when l think of her or start to miss her, l remind myself that the woman l knew and loved didn’t ever exist. She was a character the narc dreamed up in order to get even with me for dumping her in 2003. If these clowns could stay in character past the seduce and conquer stage, they’d win our hearts forever. But the moment you say “iloveyou” to them, BAM! They have won the game and the mask comes off. That perfect angel turns into a sadistic devil.
The woman I loved did not exist
The exposed narcissist was a lizard brain, and these npd infested users cannot be cured. They cannot feel emotions beyond rage, envy, apathy and cruelty. But they can bullshit the brain right out of their victim’s skull.
Exactly. On. Point.
Word for word!
I fell off wagon just before Xmas after well over a year of NC where the previous contact had been him showing me just how cruel he could be. The fall was triggered be me feeling great (lost weight, new job, good life) and I guess my gremlin had me wanting to show him what he was missing. I was so disgusted with myself after and did a lot of hard thinking; I came to see it as a form of self-harm. I am used to being kept on my emotional toes dating back to family ofor origin issues and have done a lot of hard work over last few years to address that. Ironically I “selfharmed” as I am still not comfortable with the “new me” and was seeking the false safety of the familiar – I knew he would hurt me again but it was a hurt I knew well so was easier for me to experience …madness.
One of the things I really appreciate about this post is your reiteration that the people in your social circle DO NOT CARE about this as much as the parties involved. I used to think I needed to tell the tale within my circle so they would know and understand and all that. I’ve told two people in our large shared social circle the brief version – and it was out of some sense of obligation that I should explain why we’re not friends, etc. I really appreciate this post because it helped me realize I don’t need to explain to anyone why he’s not in my world. It’s my decision and I don’t need them to agree/validaate (which is what I was looking for when I explained to those two people). Thanks, NML.
I’m nearing the one year anniversary of NC – but only because I changed my phone number. But I’m starting to feel nervous like he may “pop up” at my house again…like he did the last time (after nearly 18mos of NC BUT only because I ratted him out to his baby mama (who he overlapped with while with me) because he was still sniffing around my door, which was all part of the dragged out hurtful breakup) – I hope that all made sense? o_O Sooo I’ve started thinking of my response…I say response because I cannot give him a “reaction” O_O…if he even THINKS that he can still push my buttons in any way it strokes his ego and that’s not what I’m here for! So my question is…wha’s the best response that can jab at him and keep me one up? All suggestions are welcome ladies!!
Ask yourself why you care about one upping this guy and getting the upper hand. What exactly do you win if you “win” this?
I will tell you what he wins if you engage with him. Contact. Getting your goat. Knowing that yes, he’s absolutely pushing your buttons, because you’re reacting. And yeah, they will always have another response that will get you. Who cares. Let them “win” when you don’t react but know that you are always winning when you don’t have to deal with the bull.
I win by unhooking from the bs. I win by not engaging with crazy. Do I want to take the bait sometimes? Sure. But if I restrain myself then it keeps the damn cycle from starting again. No swallowing I hook = exactly zero agony, drama, and tears for me. That guy can say whatever he wants about me, to me or anyone else and it’s… none of my business.
I break NC more often than I would like to remember. It’s moe difficult because I have to work with my EUM and his office is directly across from my desk :(. I have considered blocking him but every so often he texts me something work related. I find that I usually fall off the NC weekend nights when I’m not preoccupied. He’s a therapist so he knows the perfect way to say stuff without really saying it, so charming. He always lures me in with something so sweet and then disappears. My secret to trying to stay on the NC wagon is staying busy. Don’t be too hard on yourself, it takes time for your heart to catch up with your mind.
I am 42 I been on and off with my narc since I was 18. This site actually helped me realize he is a narc anyway I was doing great I left him moved out a couple years ago.my life is amazing but he has been hovering very hard and we live 2 hours apart but I went home and spent this pass holiday weekend with him he was everything I could ask 4. It felt so good 2 be there in the house we shared
But when he wants me we are perfect. I know the shoe will drop I cant belive I fell off the wagon. I been fussing at myself but I cant wait 2 be with him again and he wants me 2 come back he seems like he has changed but I know better. He is the truest definition of dr jeckle & mr hide
Arrrrrrgh I wish I wouldnt have fell off the wagon im not sure how 2 detox from him and go back 2 no contact. But I know I need 2. Im stronger now and can stay away from him 4 long periods of time but he still makes me so weak.
Get right back on the wagon. I just started NC a month ago, but had to be semi-polite when he asked me a question and then made a complimentary comment…right in front of a supervisor (yes, we work in the same place). I just gave a half smile, half nod and said “mm-hmm” to answer his question and quietly walked out the door as I was leaving anyway. Otherwise, it’s as if he’s dead. I am not rude, just don’t acknowledge.
Help!
Me and my ex decided to stay friends since I am his only best friend or in fact his only friend. We were in a long distance relationship and we still talks on the phone often and sometimes we watch a show like we used to and he keeps talking to me like everything is the same and he even sometimes forgets that and calls me his girlfriend, which I don’t correct because I actually like it because I see that we have hope but when I do something like that he instantly reminds me that we are not together anymore.
It’s confusing me!!! Any help on what he might be thinking?
Thanks..!
Lily,
How about help yourself and stop being his pretend friend/ gf. Who cares if he doesn’t have other fake friends? Only you.
Lily, right now you are holding on to the familiar because it is comfortable. That is very common after a breakup. But don’t get stuck in the familiar just because it’s there. Time for some new experiences.
And if you insist on keeping up the communication, then correct him by saying “I am NOT your girlfriend”….you need the reminder more than he does.
Thank you very much!
I am struggling with the NC rule. I was seeing an engaged man for 6 months we had the best connection ever and I thought we would be solid friends for years to come.
Looking back now there were classic signs of future faking and he initially swept me off my feet. All the old classics; told me he loved me, he was going to leave his fiance for me and he wanted to start a life with me once I came back from travelling.
After the first 3 months he started to become distant, blowing hot and cold, cancelling plans last minute yet he would still continue to contact me and have ‘control’ over my feelings for him.
Eventually it ended because he lied to me about a holiday he was going on with his fiance (he told me he was going with his cousin and I stupidly believed him, even helping him look for hotels to stay in!). He only admitted to me that he was going with her whilst he was boarding the plane….
I was so unhappy with this man in the last 3 months, he treated me like a doormat and a last resort option. Every time I tried to discuss my concerns with him he shut me down and refused to discuss my feelings & told me I was starting an argument.
I recently told him exactly what I thought of the way he treated me and signed off asking him to not contact me. Unfortunately, I engaged in further conversation with him, asking him to meet me to answer my questions about why he did this to me. All he could answer was that the relationship went too far and it would be too hard to see each other.
It hurts so much. I truly loved him, I would have done anything for him and I wanted to believe in him as a good human being.
Even after the way he has treated me all I want is a sorry and for him to realise how much he has hurt me. Recently, he lent me his fiances old phone as mine was going in for repair (sick i know). He asked me to give the phone to a work colleague to hand back to him at another site where he works. I replied saying that it would be nice to him before I leave for travelling. For some reason I just can’t seem to let him go out of my life……
Helena,
Your heart has not caught up with your head. A ‘good human being’ in the sense you were hoping this man was, would NOT carry on an affair with you while engaged to someone else. A ‘good human being’ would not cheat on his fiancé and lead another woman on for months.
Whatever charm he used on you, you need to let it go. You cannot trust this man. You did not need to borrow his fiancé’s old cell phone. There is something wrong there on both your parts. For him to tell you that the phone belonged to her is just the start. Do you really want this woman’s hand me downs? Would you eat the meal she cooked for him?
You will never get honest answers from this man. He is ruining YOUR life AND hers. You have to get out. Mail the phone back- send it to his work. Or just get rid of it. NO CONTACT is your only safe option. He lies, cheats, and manipulates. You fell in love with a fake. You KNOW this, otherwise you would not have written. He CANNOT redeem himself and be who you want him to be (good human being) because he is a user.
Protect yourself from more pain. You were hoping he meant what he said at the beginning. He has clearly proven himself to be a liar. You said so yourself when he admitted to the vacation you helped him plan. That’s is also SICK and WARPED on hIs part. You don’t need another woman’s hand me down phone. Or man.
Stay strong!
Hi again,
I’ve really struggled with the NC rule. Both myself and the ex AC have initiated contact in recent weeks. I hate myself for it, I feel so weak and clearly lack self control. I tend to have obsessive behaviours over certain aspects of my life but never a man before. Especially one who has treated me so poorly.
I constantly find myself thinking about the ins and outs of our ‘relationship’ over and over again. I know he is a bad person, a user and a compulsive liar and I never want to be with him again. But for some reason I can’t seem to cut the contact with him, I know that I am probably seeking validation & answers and I know that I may never get this. Even if I do it will probably be lies.
He makes me skin crawl and I hate him for what he has done to me but he still has this hold over me and I still love him. I think it may partly be due to the fact that I want to mother him and teach him to be a better person, but he is 31 years old and needs to grow up.
Recently, I just found out that he sent pictures of him and his fiancé on holiday to a friend of mine at work. When I confronted him about this he told me that he sent them to her because he knew I would see them and in turn make me hate him so he wouldn’t have to see me. I mean seriously the guy needs psychiatric help…. What a sick & twisted game to play with a women who loves you and never did a thing to hurt you.
We have agreed to meet up next week but I have serious concerns over seeing him. He never broke it off with me instead he went on holiday with his fiancé which he lied to me about then only told me the truth via text once he was at the airport. Perhaps it’s due to the fact I need to see his face to finally realise how much I hate him. I want him to understand how much he hurt me.
The NC would be so much better than these crumbs that I am getting from him, even though it is over I still find myself getting teary and having expectations from him. It’s just as bad as when I was with him :(.
I’m worried that now we are back in contact that I’m validating everything he’s done to me, which is my worst nightmare as he put me through hell.
Hi Helena,
You think it’s *love* but really it cannot be because the circumstances will not allow it. It is obsession.
You are WISHING he could be a person he is not. You have an ideal in your head and this jerk who has caught your attention. Ask yourself… Do you really want to be with someone who cheats on his fiancé? You don’t need him to validate anything about you. Your continued interaction with him will only hurt you more. I think you know it. Think about what you want for YOURSELF.
Hi Say Something,
I wanted to thank you for responding to my post. It’s funny how these things really resonate with you when its a stranger telling you the truth.
In the end he backed out of seeing me – said it was too hard, he needed to forget about me and didn’t want to cry again (oh please!). Hes done me a massive favour and I honestly feel like a weight has lifted and I can finally move on with my life.
I didn’t even bother to reply with a response, nor will i ever. NC all the way forwards.
Thank you 🙂
Sadly, fallen off NC with a recent ex. We weren’t together for too long but I really have strong feelings for him. we basically happen to share the same social circle, and would often be in the same places together. Lately, since the break I haven’t seen him (nor his new s/o) but inevitably we ran into each other and made small talk. I was polite to answer but tried my best to disengage. It’s too fresh right now, and I don’t think I can deal with having small talk with him without hurting myself. we’ll most likely see each other more often now (same social circle , same type of hobbies) , I don’t want to feel like I have to not go somewhere because he’s there. I want to be able to enjoy the same things, but can’t help but feel anxious about possibly seeing him. I’ve been doing better about just being more compassionate and forgiving myself… Using the inevitable contact as a learning process for instance.
I just also want to say, reading everyone’s comments here and the blog has helped me a lot. Been spending time just lurking around haha finally decided to post!