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This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is about when we give ourselves a hard time because we think that something we said or did scared someone off. Or, we think that ‘one false move’ made an entire situation collapse.

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Nuggets from the episode

  • When we’ve convinced ourselves that we scared someone off with something we said or did or that ‘one false move’ screwed up an opportunity, things get distorted. Even though there were other factors, we will latch on to one or a few things that allow us to stick to the story. 
  • If we were 100% in control, we can look at what our ‘thing’ was. We are hyper-focused on blame and who and what we can point the finger at.

If we had so much power to make somebody spontaneously combust into someone different from who they’ve been all their life, surely we would use our powers for good?

  • Misremembering the past causes us to extend our self-blame. Now that we know how things have turned out, we convince ourselves that we did XYZ and that the reason why the other person was or wasn’t being or doing ABC is because of us. We pretend that we knew how things were going to go down or that the thing we did was the sole issue or factor in the undesirable outcome.
  • We are not so powerful that we can make someone spontaneously combust into someone they’re not. 
  • Telling ourselves that we scared them off by being or doing something that clearly didn’t (or shouldn’t have under ordinary circumstances) is about us looking for something to pin our disappointment on. We’re looking for cause and effect. Okay, that and we think that this knowledge will prevent us from doing it in future.
  • We trick us into believing that if we managed our emotions, behaviour, thoughts, actions and attitude, that this would have changed the outcome as well as the person. 

We mustn’t be so conscientious, empathetic, etc about an issue that we erase our needs or the significance of the issue. 

  • At some point when we’re with someone who’s scared of commitment, we’re going to ‘scare’ them. The ship has sailed on that one. It’s not because we actually ‘scared them’ but because they were already scared.  
  • Finding our way to a compatible relationship is about being with someone that we can co-exist harmoniously with because we share similar core values. Pretending that we’re cool with stuff that we’re not or that we’re Mr/Ms Needless blocks that.  
  • If someone isn’t treating and regarding us with love, care, trust and respect, we haven’t scared them away; we’ve brought us back to reality. 
  • In some instances, what we recognise, though, is that we self-sabotaged. We orchestrate situations that allow us to return to the status quo of what we perceive to be our comfort zone. Contradicting what we’ve previously said or done enables us to tank a situation. 
  • Sometimes we have to be like I don’t like how that went down or what I did, but it’s time to look at what I can do next. Otherwise, we will learn the wrong lesson. Not my ideal self in that situation. What do I need to learn here to help me recognise that I’m doing it an earlier point or to cut it out. 
  • If we collude with a lie and then stop, then yeah, it’s going to ‘scare’ them off. 
  • Boundaries allow us to take responsibility. We can stop lying to us. 

Links mentioned

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