Tags: Blame Absorbers, fear of making mistakes, Get out of stuck, Not allowed to fail mentality, shame, worry and anxiety
This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is about when we give ourselves a hard time because we think that something we said or did scared someone off. Or, we think that ‘one false move’ made an entire situation collapse.
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Nuggets from the episode
- When we’ve convinced ourselves that we scared someone off with something we said or did or that ‘one false move’ screwed up an opportunity, things get distorted. Even though there were other factors, we will latch on to one or a few things that allow us to stick to the story.
- If we were 100% in control, we can look at what our ‘thing’ was. We are hyper-focused on blame and who and what we can point the finger at.
If we had so much power to make somebody spontaneously combust into someone different from who they’ve been all their life, surely we would use our powers for good?
- Misremembering the past causes us to extend our self-blame. Now that we know how things have turned out, we convince ourselves that we did XYZ and that the reason why the other person was or wasn’t being or doing ABC is because of us. We pretend that we knew how things were going to go down or that the thing we did was the sole issue or factor in the undesirable outcome.
- We are not so powerful that we can make someone spontaneously combust into someone they’re not.
- Telling ourselves that we scared them off by being or doing something that clearly didn’t (or shouldn’t have under ordinary circumstances) is about us looking for something to pin our disappointment on. We’re looking for cause and effect. Okay, that and we think that this knowledge will prevent us from doing it in future.
- We trick us into believing that if we managed our emotions, behaviour, thoughts, actions and attitude, that this would have changed the outcome as well as the person.
We mustn’t be so conscientious, empathetic, etc about an issue that we erase our needs or the significance of the issue.
- At some point when we’re with someone who’s scared of commitment, we’re going to ‘scare’ them. The ship has sailed on that one. It’s not because we actually ‘scared them’ but because they were already scared.
- Finding our way to a compatible relationship is about being with someone that we can co-exist harmoniously with because we share similar core values. Pretending that we’re cool with stuff that we’re not or that we’re Mr/Ms Needless blocks that.
- If someone isn’t treating and regarding us with love, care, trust and respect, we haven’t scared them away; we’ve brought us back to reality.
- In some instances, what we recognise, though, is that we self-sabotaged. We orchestrate situations that allow us to return to the status quo of what we perceive to be our comfort zone. Contradicting what we’ve previously said or done enables us to tank a situation.
- Sometimes we have to be like I don’t like how that went down or what I did, but it’s time to look at what I can do next. Otherwise, we will learn the wrong lesson. Not my ideal self in that situation. What do I need to learn here to help me recognise that I’m doing it an earlier point or to cut it out.
- If we collude with a lie and then stop, then yeah, it’s going to ‘scare’ them off.
- Boundaries allow us to take responsibility. We can stop lying to us.
Links mentioned
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Hi Natalie, I really enjoyed this episode, especially the second half.
It took me a very long time to realise that I’m not the only person in the world who makes mistakes. It would make me feel very lonely.
I was raised in a narcissistic family and then repeated it in my romantic relationship as well, so I was used to taking all the blame and walking on eggshells. I would even gaslight myself that I was just a peacemaker and that I should be in fact proud of my role.
I only recently started recognising that the inner critic is not me. For many years, I would hear from my ex partner or even my mum (whenever I didn’t meet the standards) that I was a stupid nobody and that I was weak and worthless.
I’ve been by myself for 18 months now and until recently, I would still repeat these words to MYSELF. They would just appear in my mind randomly during the day, simply because they were so deeply engraved. I’m a nobody. I’m stupid. I’m worthless.
I have a dog and so it just hit me one day that I had never ever said anything like that to him. I love him and praise him a lot. I do correct his behaviour when needed but I wouldn’t call him names or tear him down. So why am I believing and saying those things to myself? Shouldn’t I love myself too?
Last week, I hang a flowery post note on my fridge where I wrote: my inner critic is NOT my inner voice. So it’s been fun to listen to your podcast now and to nod, nod, nod!
Thank you for another great episode, Natalie!
I really appreciate you sharing your story, Tru. I can so relate. When I was living on my own and was just starting to recognise my unhealthy relationship with myself, I realised that I’d spent the day raging at myself. It took until 9pm for me to realise it, and I was shocked. I realised that I was so used to mine and other people’s criticism that I didn’t even think it was odd! You’re so right that you wouldn’t speak to or about anyone else in this way. And what divine timing that you put that lovely note on your fridge and then heard the podcast — so validating!
I believe I was a horrible partner, it was a lot times I was selfish and not good at relationships. I feel bad I was angry because We weren’t close as I wanted, so I was moody and on edge a lot. I do feel I should’ve been more Patient and not go off on everything idk. I feel I pushed him away I’d get mad a lot. Once I picked him up from work at 11:30 at night the same time I got a call that my son was caught drunk at his high school dance. X told me to take him home first then go on ahead to the school, which I was by the expressway and going to drop him at my house would’ve been going out the way. I went off I felt he should’ve offered to ride with me it was just about 12am my son is huge for his age drunk and I needed help with him and for him to say take him home first just was weird to me. I feel like maybe he was too tired to ride with me and when I said are u gonna let me ride far north by myself this late and struggle with my teenage son and he said u know what ok I will go. I still think as mad and I just did a you turn and took him to his place which was close to his job I was picking him up that night because he didn’t have a car and so happened I got the call about my son. So I went off and I took him home when he initially was going to my place because we usually spent a lot of time together when he got off . It just felt odd that he was my boyfriend and in mid night did not want to ride to the school with me to get my son. Idk I just felt he should’ve offered to ride with me. I look back on that and I see I could’ve handled that differently maybe mention it to him and then let him decide which he did decide he would go but it felt weird that he initially didn’t feel like he should automatically want to go with me it was late cold and from the conversation with the school my son was having a problem. My son had been going thru depression in high school and bf knew this my son was at school brung liquor was drunk and acting erratically I was scared to go by myself his Dad is not alive for me to ask him. Bf knee this I just felt he didn’t want to be there for me but at the same time he had just got off work idk
Hi Brigget, is it fair and reasonable to say that you were a “horrible partner”? Truth be told, in any loving relationship, there are going to be times, moments, where we are not our best selves. No, that doesn’t give us carte blanche to do whatever the hell we like, but fact is, we’re going to be moody, say the wrong thing and possibly act like a tit at times. I see someone who was very overwhelmed and feeling undersupported and who didn’t know how to articulate it. You seem very aware of all of the reasons why he was how he was. Don’t you need that same compassion for you? Sometimes humans don’t know how to act in situations — you didn’t and neither did he. The outcome (the situation with your son and feeling let down) was not a one-time thing and it was the expression of what was going on before that. With the benefit of hindsight, you can acknowledge that your anger was the clue that you were not taking care of you and your boundaries and that the relationship wasn’t meeting your needs. Try to be more honest with you about what happened. You can take responsibility without blaming and shaming you, but also without ignoring the bigger picture of what was going on in your relationship.
Sorry for all the typos