It’s time for a Why Did We Break Up? episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.
It’s really confusing when a brief relationship still affects us for quite some time afterwards. When it feels as if it had a lot of potential and that things were going swimmingly, we sometimes get stuck on wondering what we did wrong or blame ‘timing’.
Sandy and Rick got off to a flying start after being introduced via a mutual friend. They saw each other a few times a week, seemed to thoroughly enjoy each others company, and we’re making plans for future dates. He seemed to have all of the makings of the type of guy she could see herself with and she was feeling like they were making a great team.
One night Rick received news that a close friend, as well as a favourite patient, had passed away, so he called her and asked to hang out, which she was more than happy to do. Contrary to what he initially said he wanted to do while there, he got rather frisky and she slowed things down, which prompted him to leave rather abruptly. He called a few days later and they chatted for a little while but Sandy had to head off as she was out and they agreed to continue their conversation. Cue tumbleweeds. Sensitive to the fact that he was likely going through a rough time, she called him a few more times but he never returned her calls. It’s time to answer the question, Why Did We Break Up?
Posts on ghosting and u-turns:
What’s the Craic With Ghosting? (And no, it’s NOT the same as No Contact!)
We Need To Talk About: ‘Ghosting’ In The Early Stages of Dating
Recovering from somebody doing a U-turn on their feelings or proclaimed intentions
I also talked about ghosting in episode 20
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Nat xxx
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Oh, wow. .. epiphany moment…not to be overempathetic…
She was being extra nice showing him too much support and she didnt know him enough!
It took a lot to understand that to me!! I see that I am a mess right now. I would have done exactly the same as she did. Now I see that it was too early to be so nice and supportive!
Yes. I have a similar problem here (amazing moment to read this, thank you, natalie): I moved to another city some months ago and I was super supportive to a guy who moved also. I offered to help him with a lot of moving stuff just after knowing him, because when I arrived a girl helped me and I am so grateful with her… I felt like she saved my life (in a way) and I wanted to “spread” thehelp.
What happened? That I was feeling friendship for this guy but I think that I didnt know him enough because after a month or so he kissed me, started acting like he was dating me and he changed completely from what I think he was:
I thought that he was sweet and nice and very warming but In the real life, after he kissed me, he started the classic behaviour of an unavailble man: future-forward, cancelling those plans, always excuses for cancelling plans that he future-forwarded, telling me that he could not guarantee when we would meet because he didnt make plans, always manipulating to do what he finally wanted to do, speaking a lot with instant messager but then not showing up, giving one kiss once and nothing another time, not speaking to me or answering my questions…
I really got super confused and mad because he was doing exactly the same as the guy I dated on and off for 3 years, 2 years ago.
I took a lot of effort to understand unavailability and to get out of that and now… I can’t believe that I went to therapy and even moved to another town and I have found the same!!
The positive thing is that this time I quit just when I recognized the pattern (it has taken me one month) but Im very upset and sad.
Also, I got mad because a friend told me that I was imagining everything because I was thinking all the time of the last on/off relationship and that I should wait and not break up. She even said that maybe they were unavailable because I was scaring them being an insecure person.
If someone kisses you and the following moment he does not want you to kiss him, then he asks you why dont you kiss him, then he goes 3 meters away. .. how is that me?
My last guy broke with me the 1st time and after 4 days he apologized and then he tried to win me up (he did) and this guy is doing the same.
How is this possible? I was super clear to him.
I have to learn not to be overnice to people until I know them.
I think you need to remove relationship advice from that friend’s skills… Always trust your gut and pay attention to what you are experiencing, not another person’s projection. If one boyfriend does something inappropriate and the next one does the same thing, what the frick has that got to do with your insecurity? If anyone is projecting here, it’s your friend! Instead of chastising you about your relationships, she needs to sort out her own stuff. At the end of the day, this experience has helped you see the pattern clearly–that’s a gift in itself as you won’t be in a repeat of it again. You can evolve from here.
Hi Natalie, I’ve been reading you blog for a while and I was wondering if you could one day provide insight for people who have never been in serious relationships. I’m 26 years old and I am in the point of my life where I do want a partner. No one seems to be interested in me. Help!
Agree. Some friends are great to chat with and offer good insight, but this isn’t one of those times. He’s unavailable because he’s unavailable, not because you’re coming across as ‘insecure’.
Ah yes, being nice and supportive to an emotionally unavailable guy. Been there, done that…..doing it right now 🙁 Your posts always seem to appear in my feed exactly when I need them to. Here’s my latest story and how I still haven’t learned my lesson (although I think this time, I just might).
Back in July 2015 I had been “single” for 3 months. I use brackets here because I thought I was in a relationship until I was abruptly dumped exactly 6 months in (to the day) by this guy who turned out to be a narcissist who really just wanted a girl for winter to avoid being alone until his family came back from Florida for the summer (yeah, mommy’s little boy at 32 years old). So at this point (back in July), I’m still very raw from the burn (it was a total humiliation for me) and I had sworn off men (ha! I know, silly). I plastered my cubicle walls with countless positive quotes, trying to convince myself that this wasn’t my fault, I did nothing wrong and the problem was with the guy (coincidentally, that’s when I discovered your blog). So on that month, I’m introduced to the guy replacing one of my point of contacts at work. To be honest, the guy made no impression on me initially. He was short, plane, had a bit of a gut, I thought he looked about 40 (I was 28) and he was wearing a wedding ring so he was doing nothing for me. I learned later that his first impression of me was quite different. He thought I was very attractive and also (no doubt due to my frustration of the moment, trying to stay as emotionally numb as I could) he thought I was stuck up. So a month passes without contact because I didn’t have any files for his group until one day, I get one and fire him an email to ask him to come pick it up while giving him instructions since he was new to what we do. I’ll spare you the intricate details of my resoning in writing a professional email in French (I’m French Canadian) but let’s just say I greeted him with a “Mister” (Monsieur) and he took that as an opportunity to start a non-professional conversation with me (telling me I made him feel old by calling him that which led me to say how old I thought he was for him to be falsely offended by saying he was only 36 and most people thought he was younger). Anyway, all this to say, he was funny and smart and I have a thing for funny and smart. His opportunity was not wasted, I was now finding him interesting. From there, he started showing up in my office at least once a week, making a point to sit down in my cubicle, ask me about my weekend and telling me about his. Right away he mentioned he had two young children and always made a point to tell me his marriage was terribly unhappy and on the verge of ending (it was obvious to me he had an interest/attraction to me and wanted me to know, he wasn’t completely off limits). Of course, he was still absolutely off limits to me. I had told myself at that point that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. No older guys, not one who just left a long term relationship, preferably no kids but I was 28, people with kids was starting to be inevitable in the age bracket I was looking for. And so we kept having conversations about his failing marriage and I’d say we began a sort of “professional friendship” if you will. We had no connection outside of work. In November that year I accepted a position in another building. A month prior to leaving I had informed him that I was going soon and he insisted on inviting me for coffee (taking a break from working hours, not after work). It was hard to set up, we were both busy at work. On my last day I went to the supply floor to get some boxes and he happened to be there too. As soon as he smiled at me I got flushed and my heart started beating. After four months of knowing him he had gotten to me. It was now obvious to me that I was attracted to the guy! He noticed me blushing of course, I said I was hot, walking around with boxes. He asked me if now would be a good time for coffee and since it was…..I said yes. It was in the food court of the shopping mall attached to our building. We talked for almost an hour. It was very flirty and we both felt like teenagers. When we went back he asked me if I got a lot of attention from men. When I said no he didn’t believe me. I then explained very frankly that finding men who are attracted to me was never the hard part. It was finding a man who was willing to make an effort and stick around for more than a few months that was hard. The next day I started my new job and he friended me on facebook. From then on, we talked every day for the next 2 months, saying good night, every single night. He was actually separated from his wife, they lived in the same house for the boy’s sake until they could sell it and they had been sleeping in separate beds for months. But he was still married, I knew better. In January he invited me to a party with some of his friends. He had everything to spend the night at his friend’s place since he was going to drink. He spent the night at my place instead. We had sex of course but we had been talking about starting something for two months by then….it was very natural. A few months later he bought his own house and we started seeing each other every time he didn’t have his kids with him. One day he was home with them and got a bit emotional and sent me a text giving me “the talk”. You know, “I’m not ready for commitment yet, I’m emotionally numb but I don’t want to hurt you, there’s so many things I want to do with you.” Massive red flag! I should have left right then and there. But by this point, I was half way in and again, I knew better but I did it anyway. So I kept seeing him and by all definitions of the term, this was a relationship…..he just didn’t want to admit it was. I gave my all…..I always do. He showed me who he really was and that’s the man I fell in love with. He introduced me to the most important people in his life (and I know he wouldn’t introduce just any girl to them because family is the most sacred thing for him). I gave it a lot of thought in the past few weeks and this is the first time I’m very calm about something that seems to be about to end. I cried, I over thing every little action or word he’s been saying lately but after what happened the last 3 weeks I feel this clarity inside. It’s probably over and I don’t want it to end and I know now that I love him deeply and I am convinced that he does have feelings for me (albeit probably not as strong as my own) but at the same time, I want him to be happy and as much as I wish it was with me…….if it isn’t, I’ll have to let him go. You see, I knew a friend of his wanted to set him up (my guy obviously didn’t share his relationship with me with everyone) and I think that 3 weeks ago he did introduce him to her. They probably exchanged numbers. I knew her nickname but not her full name so finding info on her was hard (I overthink, overanalyse everything so yeah, I was snooping a bit….I’m not proud). Then last Friday, he “secretly” became friends with the girl on facebook. The only reason I noticed is that I was on his page looking for a particular picture hen I saw he suddenly had an extra friend even though no notification came up on his feed. So I typed in the nickname I knew and sure enough, there she was. This absolutely stunning Asian girl, the epitome of his fantasy (he has a thing for Asian girls, this wasn’t new to me). I was devasted. How could I compete with that? And I was convinced that if he had the slightest chance to f*&k (sorry for the crudeness) a hot Asian chick……he might seriously consider pursuing her. That night, I couldn’t sleep one second. I got up at 3 am to google the crap out of her (surprisingly she was social media shy and quite private). I found out that she was 26 years old (he’ll be 38 in October, I’ll be 30 in January). She takes selfies with her collection of teddy bears in her room. I convinced myself that she was a child! Although I know nothing about her I was sure they had absolutely nothing in common. And I know he’s aware that we have so much in common him and I it’s kind of amazing. I was desperate for the whole weekend. That explained why I barely got two words out of him when I tried to text him last Friday. He probably chatted with her all weekend (like he did with me at first). On Monday and Tuesday he didn’t have his kids. We normally Would have seen each other but he didn’t ask me out as he usually would. I was so crushed. He was going to leave 9 months of a relationship with me for a girl he doesn’t know who just happens to be hiss masturbating fantasy (again, so sorry for the crudeness). And then yesterday, they weren’t facebook friends anymore! Can you imagine how relived I was? I was convinced that he probably chatted with her for those few days and realised what I thought about her……that she was a child! But I don’t really know of course. Maybe he was really into her and she thought he was too old. Anyway, this got longer than I meant to, sorry 🙁 the gist of it is, I’m in love with the guy, I know he likes me (if not quite as much, he still has some feelings) but I know something happened this weekend and I know he’s probably tortured inside trying to think of his next move with me. I thought maybe the next time we’d see each other he’d probably dump me and I would have to tell him about my thoughts and emotions the past few months (especially the past few weeks). But as I am writing these words, he just sent me an email at work. I passed by his office yesterday since I was in his building to sign some papers but he wasn’t in. I left a cute note on his screen which I was going to let him discover but then I ended up forgetting an important file of mine on his desk and had to text him last night to ask him to confirm if he had it. He responded to me then as if I was just a buddy asking for a favor; “sure, no prob.”. But then he sent me this email just now saying something cute like he often does “Did you plant this here so we would get together soon :P”. Doesn’t seem like it’s over yet. He probably has no idea of what I know about his weekend. Maybe he wants to keep me around since he couldn’t get the fantasy girl. Maybe he realised I was important after all. But I’m exhausted, I know I should end this, I know him making me doubt like this is not healthy and infringes on my boundaries. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been so anxious these past two weeks that I’ve barely eaten anything (I’ve lost 6 ponds in a week). I’ve given myself to this guy, hoping but not expecting it to somehow work out this time. I fell in love with the man he is inside, not the persona he shows the world. I love him for his good sides and his bad sides (and the universe knows he’s far from perfect). I’m still hoping for the best………and it’s making me feel stupid. One thing is sure though, if/when this does end, you can be damned sure I’ll never let this happen to me again. I will set boundaries, I will not accept half assed relationships and I will not deny red flags anymore. Sorry for the long text O_O It just feels good to let this off my chest.
While I do see alot of truth as to your assessment of this situation, I’m wondering if Rick saw his own red flags with Sandy setting boundaries. Perhaps I’m projecting my own insecurities and over-empathising, but maybe Rick has been previously cheated on, assumed that because Sandy didn’t want to be intimate or she didn’t drop everything to be entirely emotional attentive at a moment he might have really needed it, (of course, when it was convenient for him,) he might have assumed she wasn’t that into him and maybe even that she herself was dating other people. Either way, it’s his thing to work out. I think there’s more incompatibility here than just timing. Obviously, guessing that him not reaching out after that was a way to protect himself from further loss, through self-sabotage, as you explained. That’s the unavailability.
totally agree, Em
emotionally unavailable people often have very good and valid reasons for doing all the weird things they do. it’s easy to get caught up in analysis but the bottom line is that whatever his reasons a reasonably available person would have talked though his fears with the person he was trying to forge a relationship with not shut them out. ultimately doesn’t matter why he did it only matters that his response is not really compatible with true growth in intimacy with this woman.
If we BR readers could do one big favor for ourselves, it would be to stop creating the backstory necessary to keep a fantasy alive.
In Sandy’s letter, when she said “I was supportive of him and he was supportive of me”, I had to rewind to verify that this *relationship* only lasted 3 months, right? How in the world can you possibly imbue someone with “supportive”? Does that mean that he simply said “That’s a good idea?” to something you said…so suddenly he’s Mr. Supportive? Supportive is when someone willingly foregoes a convenience in order to help you reach some goal. Like picking up the kids and giving them dinner and washing the dishes so you can go to school at night.
And CB, I am just chalking your experience up to you not realizing that you want drama more than you want emotional availability. There were so many classic “tells” in the way this man has behaved toward you:
Marriage is terrible and on the verge of ending – check.
Living in same home but sleeping separately – check.
You’re too beautiful not to be hooked up – check.
Introduced me to “important people in his life” – check.
But at age 28, you are still playing at the game of love. Each person matures in their own time.
Trying to explain away why Rick disappeared as some fear of being hurt…please, that chestnut needs to be retired. No one runs away from something they want because they are afraid of being hurt. Running away is either used as manipulation or meant to signal the end.
And Lola, when did it go from helping out a new friend in need to becoming a *relationship*. Because of a kiss? I know that sometimes people feel guilted into reciprocating, simply because the other person is being so nice. He may have sensed you wanted him to act like a “boyfriend”, he tried it on for size but realized his heart was not in it, so he tried to back out by repeatedly making/canceling plans.
At the first moment a guy expresses “confusion”, we should chalk that guy up to experience and not look to him to be boyfriend material. We’d save ourselves so much heartache.
You are on point with this entire comment and in fact many of your comments but I in particular want to like this particular quote a thousand times. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!
Hi, Natalie! Wish I could give you the old Flip Wilson handshake! That’s how happy you made me feel inside!
Thank you for your blog. Participating in your blog has upped my confidence in expressing myself and has given me new tools for dealing with those invalidating moments.
Sometimes, when I am embarking on a new behavior, no matter how small of a new thing it might be, I get paralyzed…I won’t take action. I hope to uncover the root of that paralysis, but for now, I am learning to counteract inaction by taking small steps of action. This Monday, I emailed a letter to the editor of our “Washington Post” level paper on an issue I felt passionate about. I’d never done this before, but I had been feeling the urge to write for a few days, and finally did it. To my surprise, the next day, the paper called me to verify I was the person and said they “may” be printing it. I was giddy that they called, and I wanted to stay in my zone of happiness, so I did not tell anyone because I feared someone would rain on my parade. I had no idea if or when they’d use it.
The next evening when I signed into my email I was FLOORED to see 10 emails from strangers saying “Good Job. Great Letter!” The paper had printed it that morning! I hadn’t bought a paper, so I called my Mom to ask if she still had the daily. She did. I went to get her paper and in my exuberance I told her how the paper had called, they used my letter, and I was getting all these emails saying good things! Her paper was in the to-be-tossed pile so I asked her if I could have the editorial section so I could save it, and I was surprised when she said “Let me read it, first.” She read it and then she said….drumroll please…..Nothing. And in that moment, I realized I had a choice on whether to participate in an invalidation dance, and my choice was NO. I did not ask her opinion of what I wrote. I did not demand acknowledgement. I just moved on and said I was going to cut out that section.
When I got back to my email, I admit to re-reading the praise I got from others. I also wrote a thank you to the editor for using my letter, and the editor replied the next morning with a “thank you for sending such a strong letter.” Those words echo in my head….like WOW….really?? I feel like Cinderella at the ball.
Your writings have helped me see the lather/rinse/repeat cycle of invalidation that I kept living, and your words are teaching me to avoid trying to right the wrongs of the past. Invalidation is my parents’ baggage, and I do not need to carry their bags into my future.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
Double well done, for having your letter published and for not letting your mother’s invalidation ruin your moment. Go girl!
Ah, I have only just come across this amazing site and was going to leave this under the ’30 Signs That Someone Isn’t Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing Time Candidate’ post but it’s from a few years back – then I saw this one which also struck a chord! Apologies for the monster-post.
My current situation – unusually floored by the end of a brief relationship, but actually not so much by the end as by what came before it. Having been single for a few years I decided to give dating a go. I had previously only had relationships with people who I’d already known for quite a while before, so hadn’t really done the getting-to-know-you part of dating before. Anyway, I’m told that a guy in my office (it’s a big office & we don’t work together) said I was beautiful. I always found him very attractive & since life is going well and I’m very happy I think “what the heck, let’s find out what this guy is actually like!”. We began dating, and it was a little awkward at first as we’re both slightly shy and unused to dating – in my case I definitely felt the pressure a bit and found myself talking as if I was in fight mode a couple of times, but each time we went on a date and had a drink with dinner we were able to relax, conversation flowed, he made me laugh (unexpected bonus!) and we actually had a few things in common in terms of interests and life goals. At the end of our first evening date I leant to give him a kiss on the cheek and he moved over and went for the lips 🙂 It carried on progressing like this, no big dramatic spark, but gradually getting to know each other. He is quite reserved (self-proclaimed nerd) but started to really open up about things like past issues with his family, hopes, etc, and he became more spontaneous physically, like when after one such intimate conversation he started chasing me down the street to tickle then kiss me. I reciprocated in this and it all seemed very sweet and sincere, perhaps more so following the initial awkwardness. Although clear to myself that I was still getting to know him, the pace felt lovely (this was over about 6 weeks). We messaged every day (I see on this site that that is considered a bad thing, but it just seemed normal to both of us) but it’s basically a friendly conversation, gradually throwing in more compliments (no sexting). In the background to all of this he is buying a house further out from the city, and he invited me to go with him on a Friday night to look at some houses on the next day combined with a trip to the sea. He invited me a couple of weeks in advance & I wasn’t sure at first, but after a few days thinking decided to give it a go, thinking it’ll be a nice opportunity to get to know him a bit more, as we’ll have more time. I had a really nice time including good conversation, some lovely snuggle time watching a movie and some messing around in bed (we didn’t have sex, though). The day after we get back he messages me to say how much he enjoyed it, in what seemed for him quite a wordy & heartfelt way and I replied similarly! From the day after that onwards, he’s not the same. Very few messages, short, kind cranky responses & generally being a bit evasive. It was such a sudden 180 that I was briefly concerned whether he was ok, but seeing him in the office I realised that he was just avoiding me. Over the next 2-3 weeks this carried on, we met up twice for dates but his head is clearly not there, and on the second occasion he was just rude to me for a fair part of the evening. I can tell he’s gone, but he carries on messaging purely to talk about the stuff with his house. He hadn’t been in work for a few days and before his next day in he invites me for another lunch date so I agreed, having made up my mind what is going to happen. I gently tried to find out what was going on and he told me that he just wasn’t feeling it. This came as no surprise given his behaviour of the last 3 weeks, but it was the sudden u-turn before that that really hurt! He said that it didn’t make sense as we’re really compatible and that he still wanted to be friends and do all of the things we had planned. Ouch! for some reason that one really, really hurt! It triggered all this stuff in me about not being good enough/sexy enough/whatever. Anyway, he then carries on (and by this point in my head I’m just willing him to stop as it keeps getting worse!) that he went out with a woman years ago who he loved, but she moved away, so he’s had the love of his life and he’s never going to have that again, and he’s no good at relationships and he’s stuck in his ways… At the time I took it very calmly, but since then I’ve been so upset. I said no to the friends thing, initially because I just didn’t want to put myself in that position – to be real friends we’d still have to carry on getting to know each other after all, and I wasn’t done getting to know him with that slight romantic intent, but know I’m also just really upset that he acted the way he did & not sure I’d want to be friends with someone who would do that anyway.
I can only assume those sweet romantic moves that had seemed so sincere were fake or just playing out a script and I’m kicking myself for not realising it. Also, the no contact thing is proving challenging when I have to see him everyday. He spoke to me when we landed in the kitchen at the same time last week, so for the sake of public civility I replied and we had the most basic “how’s it goin?” conversation (all about the house, of course!), but inside I wanted to say something much less polite. On the other hand, not speaking to him at all is making me feel all pent up, especially when he’s joking and laughing with his buddies (he managed to do this spectacularly loudly today, as I have never seen/heard him do before, and for some reason I feel what I can only describe as a mild rage inside of me!). I occasionally think about telling him, in a calm kinda way, that I was hurt, as I don’t think he realised by how I acted at the time.
There’s definitely lots for me to learn from the experience, but as well as dealing with the cycling pain/annoyance now, I’m interested in how to go about it if I was dealing with another quiet, non-showy kind of guy in the future. Most of my past relationships have been with the loud, outgoing type, and I liked this guy’s lower-key ways, but I read them so wrongly!
Head games. He’s playing head games. And the only way YOU can win at this is to not play them with him…OR….play them better. But in no circumstances can you hope for a *mutual* relationship.
It was never about the mutual for him. I am willing to bet he wants to claim office bragging rights on breaking hearts. I hope it is true that you have not had sex with him, because he would spread it around the office if you did.
I truly believe many men have bought into “break their hearts” game-playing. They will feign interest, just to the point that you start thinking they mean to hang around and participate in a relationship with you, and then they pull away…with every intent of leaving you confused and hurt. They do it for kicks. And the more you beg for clarification, the bigger their egos get.
Dump their asses and don’t look back.
I had a narcissist coworker, female, who, once our friendship faded due to my lack of interest in being one of her minions, would have raucous conversation right outside my office door. It’s as if she wanted me to hear about all the fun she was having with her “crew”, how popular she was, how busy she was, how smart she was…always right outside of my office. Even though her office was on the other side of the building, she and her crew regularly convened in the hallway outside my office. And talked LOUD. She was on a mission to make me pay attention to her.
He wants to know that you feel sad that he has taken his attentions away. A person like that should be dumped right away. Take your heart out of the equation. Treat him like an acquaintance. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask for clarification of what is happening between you. He is history for you.
Continue to be civil, but keep him at arms length.
Thanks for your reply, Elgie R.
I’m not sure it was a case of looking for bragging rights or even that he was deliberately playing games – it feels more like he’s just pretty messed-up and doesn’t care enough about other people not to drag them into it!
Although he claimed to have only spoken to one friend at work about “what was going on” when I know full well he also spoke to another, who happens to be the biggest gossip around. So in the weeks when he was avoiding me / d*cking me around before he could be bothered to tell me what was going on, there was a whole team who were suddenly split between giving me mysteriously sympathetic looks, avoiding eye contact, or in one case replying to a standard work request from me with a message to the effect of “yes, of course. I appreciate you even if others don’t”. So not at all awkward, then!!!
I get what you say about not asking for clarification. I just feel stuck with these weird questions
– if he just found he wasn’t that into me, fine, it happens, but why act like he started to feel something genuine?
– if he did feel something but then stopped, what the hell happened when there was virtually no time in between? Did I accidentally say something to upset him in a message?
– if he has convinced himself he’ll never have another long-term loving relationship, then I guess he might just be into sticking with short-term flings & maybe sensed I wasn’t the type
– but he claimed (as part of his string of random break-up pieces of information) that a series of flings in the past had left him with lots of hang-ups so he stopped doing that
Basically it seems like the point of is he just didn’t like me enough in “that way” or didn’t want to stick with something where he didn’t feel an immediate big chemistry, and I’m sure the official story others have heard is that he feels really bad about not having told me sooner, keeping up with his good-guy image. But the u-turn has just messed with my head so I’m now agonising about something relatively brief when I know I should just consign it to the dustbin!
Redcat, this guy pulled away intentionally . He knows pulling away would send you into an emotional tailspin. That is EXACTLY what he wanted to do.
It is emotionally cruel, but “gamesters” do it every day. The thing WE have to do to protect our hearts is to recognize the game. Problem is, the game is mostly recognized when we are smack dab in the middle of it…when they pull away their attentions right at the peak of interest.
When you contact them and you get that “distant” response, it is unsettling, especially if you were with one of the better actors, the ones who seemed sincere. But all you can do to salvage your sanity is to dump him just as abruptly.
Stop ruminating over what you did or did not do. This man had a plan from day one. I am sure you are not the first one he’s run this game plan on. It usually happens to the “new meat” on a job..you know, the new girl. Everyone sits around and watches the mini-drama unfold. The woman’s recovery after being toyed with depends solely on the emotional fortitude of the woman. The strongest ones will come out unscathed…the weakest ones may eventually have to leave the job, the mentally unstable ones will end up doing harm to others besides themselves.
It’s all about bragging rights for these types men. They have no interest in a permanent one-on-one relationship. And offices have become their playing ground.
I had a fiftyish male boss who repeatedly told a story about a young female coworker who was so crazy about him that when she received a new job offer she came to him and said if he wanted her to stay, she would not take the new job. This woman was willing to curtail her career for him. I never met her, but I could tell from the work she left behind that she was bright and innovative. He was married and he was a glib charmer. And he must’ve told that story to me at least 10 times…always told with a sort of pride. Oh, another married male coworker told me about a female coworker at a different job who was so crazy about him that she came into his private office, closed the door, and started undressing…willing to give herself to him even though he was married.
Men who want a relationship are consistent. We really have to stop falling for the “Lifetime Movie Of The Week” drama of why-I-can’t-commit. EVERYONE’s been hurt. EVERYONE’s had emotional disappointment. If something in his past is holding him back, well then, so long Charlie. Not your job to fix it OR wait for him to fix it.
Yikes, those are quite some stories!
And yes, he is definitely binned and I ain’t talking to him. I guess I’m just venting my frustration that I failed to realise he didn’t at all see me that way. I’m more used to guys who come on strong so failed to spot an awkward, low-key faker!
I will definitely remember your words. There’s no damn chance I’m leaving the job over this.