Why do we want to break up ‘nicely’?: It’s not that we should want to give bad breakup but when we focus too much on how we look and managing that person’s opinion of us, ‘nice’ can end up backfiring, resulting in hurting the person far more than we would have done if we’d truly considered their feelings and the fact that it’s a breakup.
Why don’t we listen to our inner voice?: There are reasons why we don’t listen to the voice that represents our true self but if we want to be happier and to feel less at the mercy of our inner critic, we need to start respecting and listening to our inner voice. The 30-Day Project that I mention at the end of the segment is here.
When is the ‘right’ time to be exclusive?: So many people rely on numbers like 3 dates or X amount of weeks or months, or X amount of times slept together, as a gauge for when to be exclusive and this gets in the way of paying attention to the actual experience and getting a sense of what we really want and feel.
Listener Question – What does ‘Be Yourself’ mean?: This week’s listener lost herself in trying to be the ideal partner in her last relationship and is struggling to understand what ‘be yourself’ involves.
What Nat Learned This Week: I’ve been thinking that I’m not a routine person and it turns out that I’m a real creature of habit around food.
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Natalie, you’ve helped me so much & I’m so happy that you keep moving forward. The podcast are great but I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU COULD ALSO PROVIDE A WRITTEN VERISON as well for those that enjoy reading better. I hope it wouldn’t be 2 much work for you. Just a suggestion. What do you think ?
Thanks!!!! Stay healthy & stay positive
Love Nicole
I think a written version as well would be a bit redundant – and defeat the point of Natalie’s podcasts. I like that they cover a wider range of topics and are in a more conversational/off the cuff style than the written blog posts (which are also great).
Hi Nicole, thank you for the suggestion but it’s just not possible. It’s an incredible amount of work to get one episode done plus write the blog, Facebook, ecourses etc. A 40 minute podcast is heading up into a small book in terms of wordcount plus it would defeat the point of the podcast. I know that I would not be happy or positive if I tried to. I have to respect my time and energy and I appreciate that it’s not always apparent how much work goes into what I already do. I recognise that audio is not everyone’s cup of tea, and that written is not everyone’s cup of tea either. It’s impossible to please everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to give your feedback and for non-podcast stuff, I will keep it in mind.
Hi Natalie
It was so considerate of you to respond to Nicole’s request and I agree: it would be way too much work to transcribe a podcast and also defeats the purpose.
Here’s an idea: would you consider separating the podcasts and the written blog posts into two different categories on your site? so they’re not mixed together. It feels like they may be stepping on each other’s toes!
With podcast and written entries interspersed at times I find that it feels like too much information coming at once and not enough time to absorb before there’s a new offering. I’m wondering if it also interrupts the flow and continuity of ideas that readers share in the comments section.
Since incorporating podcasts I have noticed a decline in reader’s comments and I miss that. There’s a lot to be learned from one another’s reflections on the ideas you bring forth and I’m sure reader’s comments also bring out and inspire new ideas and topics for you to consider blogging about!
I enjoy both deliveries but I have a different relationship with your written posts. I have noticed that the written posts sometimes need a little time to resonate and I will go back and read a new post over again and check in with readers comments where the dialogue and sharing can sometimes develop slowly (or quickly!) over the week between new entries.
BTW I am aware that it’s your blog! and I can see that your amping it up (including FB). No doubt it’s a ton of work and I respect all that you are doing and respect how you see fit to present your work!
Thanks for your consideration and congratulations on your continued success!
Great episode Natalie! You know what they say, breaking up is hard to do… unless you don’t care about being nice, then you just tell them to go jump off a bridge 🙂
Hello, I would like a written version as well. It is not easy for me to listen to podcasts and I do very much like reading your material.
yes, a written version please.
On the flip side, you have those who are over-the-top jerks when breaking up. I am not sure if they are finally showing their true colours, or just being super-jerks because they want you to hate them so there’d be no chance of you wanting to come back to them (because they know they are done with you and don’t want the hassle of you harassing them). I have a feeling my ex (who dumped me for the second time last week) did it in a really *sshole kinda way, in order to achieve that effect. I think that is actually worse than being a bit nice about it (which he tried to do the first time around). This time around, I keep telling myself, wow, that was so insulting and AC behavior, and I feel like crap because I keep wondering if I was dating an AC the whole time.. On the other hand, when he was nice while breaking up, I felt equally sh*tty because I kept saying, it just didn’t work out, I ruined things, etc., and he was trying to end things in a respectful way, etc. I am not sure which hurt more, actually. Probably this second time, because deep down, I was hoping he’d come back (even if for the ego boost) and now it’s even more clear that he won’t, than the first time around when he was nice about it. Just a hunch, I guess, one that I can’t shake off (then again, I never would have imagined that he’d come back after the first break-up either so…)
I’m on day 5 of Nat’s “inner voice/inner critic” program, and it is already giving me huge insights into why I’ve done what I’ve done and I do what I do, which is to look outside of myself for happiness, ala “The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship”. Distinguishing between the voices of my inner critic and my true inner self are my key to taking back my own power and ability to make myself happy. What a relief!
I just broke up with my long distance fellow that wanted to come visit me in November, and he still wants to visit me. I met him when I went to visit his town in another country. I knew we probably wouldn’t be able to have a long term relationship, but I wanted to see his town and he invited me to stay with him.. We had a nice time together and really connected, cuddling, kissing, I didn’t have sex with him. He took care of me because I was sick there from the altitude. This was in August. Since then, for the first month we talked on the phone almost everyday for hours at a time. All that time I was enjoying the connection and very conflicted because of the no long term prospect. He would want me to live in his town and I don’t think that would work, plus his financial situation is such that he can only take care of himself and his daughter. He hasn’t even taken me out on a date, and everything is dutch which is not how I have dated in the past.
Then about a couple weeks ago, we didn’t talk for a week and a half and I felt the horribleness of long distance, I felt lonely, sad, and then we did talk and I asked him if he missed me and he said he was so busy. Then we didn’t really set another time to talk, I emailed him the next day and he didn’t respond for 2 days, usually he responds right away. Also, he goes out all weekend to listen to music, and I am feeling like I am not a priority to him at all, he wants me to call when it’s convenient for him. In the first month he would miss some music events to talk to me, but now he wasn’t and so we weren’t talking as much and I was feeling the effects, plus I was getting more attached. That’s when I realized, I can;t take this LD thing and I definitely felt like I can’t have him visit, as much as I’d like it and we’d have fun, my fear is that the aftermath is that I would have more expectations than him and I’d get more attached.. We are different with different values, yet we really connected in a physical way and emotionally. I am torn up right now. Should I let him come and not sleep with him to enjoy his company?? Won’t that just make it harder to break up? Or will it naturally die. He has already bought his ticket and passport and all.
Anyways, I am conflicted, he says he is fine coming over knowing it is short term. I am not good with that because I get more attached and even now I feel so sad and conflicted. I like him, but it was weird how when I told him, he seemed so somehow ok with it, I didn’t feel him getting upset at all, he took it too well in my eyes. Torn.
whatever,
you answered your own question about the prospective future of this relationship, “he says he is fine coming over knowing it is short term.” Keywords, “he is fine” (like “well, he doesn’t mind, might as well”) and “short term.” And of course so many other obvious signs that this is not workable for you or him. You see yourself you live different lives. It’s not even geography that is in question although that is important too. You are torn. He is not financially solid (and that’s what you need if I remember correctly from your posts). Different values. I would say just break it up before you get attached further to this emotional LD. I had one for 8 years and it finally died. Mainly because I finally realized who I am and what I want and deserve in a relationship. Be clear what you want. He is not fitting it.
Whatever, your body and mind are giving you lots of signs that it’s not happy and that you don’t want to continue with him. Hell, this ‘relationship’ is giving you signs to make your exit.
You cannot enter into the situation that you’re suggesting. There will be confusion and my concern is that if you cannot be honest, know your line and be willing to honour that, how can you be sure that when he gets to your country that you’re not going to go, “Oh, but there there. He’s travelled so far to come and see me. I can’t leave him with a hard-on without anywhere for him to put it. I have him staying in my house so yes, even though I don’t want to have sex, I feel I have to because, well, I don’t want to make him feel really bad about having come all of this way and now he’s got a hard-on…. Maybe it’s best not to mention about the whole long-distance thing not working – what if it ruins the mood? What if he gets really angry with me in my own home?”?
Whatever, believe me when I say that if you cannot know yourself and honour your emotional, mental and physical boundaries with a man you primarily interact via email and calls via long distance, you will not do it when he’s in the same space as you. This is just a visit for him. For you, there are already unmet needs and expectations. Sure, you might have connected physically and emotionally but that does not a relationship make, especially because that connection hasn’t extended to shared core values and you being in a mutually fulfilling relationship. Rather than avoiding conflict in the short-term and creating bigger problems as a result, stop delaying what you know that you need to do.
Sofia
Thanks. Turns out he can’t return his ticket, so He will be coming to stay with me and I will have to set strong boundaries. How do I do that? I will be staring my love addiction square in the face and not be allowed to engage. That is what I learned from my interactions with him. I allowed myself to get hooked into a guy that I have not a future with and then when he withdrew I went into withdrawal, feelings of abandonment and basic craziness. I’m seeing it for what it is, a problem I need to deal with. Good thing about this guy is that he doesn’t push the boundaries, it’s me I am more worried about and I’m not the type to just have a fling without a huge aftermath. So what will I do?
whatever,
You are not obliged to see him.
If he can’t return a ticket they might give him miles as a credit? I understand you feel responsible partially because you both agreed to see each other.
If you choose to see him after all, just show him around as you would to a friend or a business partner. Keep in mind this is a short-term and there is no future prospect. Keep your heart intact and your boundaries high and expectations low.
I still think there is no point of him coming. LDs have a very low prospect of developing into anything. You don’t like his financial situation. He believes it’s a short-term from the start.
Be careful and keep your cool and reserve about everything. Reconsider seeing him. I don’t see why adding more heartache and complications in life where there is obvious that realistically it is a low chance in developing into anything.
Whatever, I wish you well with this situation. You are creating all sorts of drama for a man who is clearly not into you. He relieved your loneliness for a while, and now you are pinning all your hopes for being “saved by a man” onto this guy. You’re setting yourself up for pain.
The fact that he can’t return his ticket is not your problem, but you are making it your problem because you are hoping for a fantasy ending.
I foresee emotional wreckage ahead. I’m sure his plan is to hit it and quit it – aka “short term”. Then where will you be. Blaming him for not saying he’s not into you? But he is saying it, by reducing the frequency of contact. Yet you just keep dangling yourself in front of him, saying “pick me, why won’t you pick me”.
I’m not big on having people stay with me, I am surprised how often people let strangers stay in their home. (I don’t get Airbnb at all!) He IS a stranger, Whatever. You do not know him well, despite all this “connection” talk. As a matter of fact, to me, “connection” is synonymous with “fantasy”.
Care about yourself, Whatever. Stop the fantasy, Whatever.
whatever,
not relevant but your name suggests a kind of disassociation from your true self. When we go through tough times we must put out positive and definite energy around us. What we send out, comes back manifold. Just a thought.
@whatever. What nonsense. It’s not true that he’s not pushing your boundaries either. If you can’t shake off your guilt or sense of responsibility, just pay him a hotel for the few days he stays. V.
@whatever (continued)… and watch out. Some men, especially where different country = different culture is involved, feel they have the right to violence if their penis is offended. God forbid that he becomes angry when he understands that you’re really rejecting him and rapes you in your own house. Don’t put yourself in such a position I beg of you; I have a very bad feeling reading this story of yours (which I have been following for a while since your first posts with happy b). I do hope that I am very wrong, but it looks like you’re so busy trying to handle the situation without hurting him (you don’t exist in the picture of course) that I don’t know if that possibility has crossed your mind and you have ruled it out. V.
Natalie, thankyou for your post on The Unavailable Man and Assclowns. tonite I was set free because I bought your ebooks and knew at last what my Assclown was doing to me. At last I am free of humiliation and confusion. It was my finest hour as I walked away and he was visibly shocked. All you described was spot o n, I had myself a monumental Assclown. I do believe you probably saved my life, I was going under big time. If any other ladies are in doubt, they have to be convinced that your advice has to be followed to the letter on No Contact, and detachment from the Piece of Work that is destroying them. I am free from this dreadful control now. My deepest appreciation I send to you. I have a big story but too much here. Suffice to say I feel the best I have ever felt and am in charge of my life now. I hope you feel enormous satisfaction from my feedback. Love, Ang
This was particularly helpful for me as I get back on track with my new adventure of figuring out who in the hell I am while sweeping up the wreckage from an epic marriage fail and see another breakup in the offing.
On the subject of exclusivity, and how dating not only gives us the opportunity to see how the other person unfolds, but also to observe *who we become when with that person* – BINGO! That sorted it out for me — thanks!! Even after eight months I still have no inclination to be exclusive with the man I (prematurely) started dating and broke up with about a month ago but he reeled me back in and I renegotiated the terms down to “exclusively casual until further notice”. While the sex is great and he has many good qualities (and it’s far less work dating a very long-term friend than getting to know someone new — another thing I have no inclination to take on right now), when he and I are “hanging out”, I generally find his style of communication so frustrating that it’s as if I can feel the sparks flying off my brain and hitting the inside of my skull making little burn marks. I also feel quite certain based on what he has told me that I would not enjoy the company he keeps. This is not going to end well….
Natalie, it’s interesting that you are I southeast London. So is the guy I’m dating in an LDR for almost a year. I’m in the states. From the beginning he did everything right. He was open, transparent, upfront about his wants and took action. He seemed like everything I ever wanted in a man. We were exclusive at 2 Months and he came to visit very regularly and I was happy. Fast forward to when the time came to visit him. We had our first argument and he said it startled him. He said he’s unsure he’s ready to have to answer to someone. After 11 months he was no longer sure what he wants. I’ve been patient (7 weeks) and I’m starting to think his inaction is a form of action. I know he’s had trauma in his past and this is a pattern for him. I’ve had trauma and this may be a pattern for me too. Anyway the argument (stemming from me mistrusting) led me to therapy because I realize my tendency to be possessive once I grow to care. And my tendencies to obsess and mistrust. He’s admitted that he has unresolved issues too. I’ve written this long letter telling him that the lack of communication these past weeks isn’t working for me so I have to opt out. Then part of me doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of breaking up. I don’t think he’s a faker. I think he was sincere and now he’s afraid. In any case, I can’t stay in limbo. What do you see in this?
Thank you for this podcast Natalie!
I’ve finally purchased a new phone so I can listen. You are SOOOO right about *nice* being anything but. Extra *nice* is then denying that he is breaking up. Thank you so much for addressing this topic.