Ami asks: “NML, I was doing so well! I cut contact with my Mr Unavailable after he had been messing me around for three years. I had tried many a time to walk away and he just wouldn’t accept it. I got tired of explaining and discussing, so I cut contact with him and 7 weeks went by, and I bumped into him at a club we both used to go to.
I was pretty hammered and OK a bit horny and when he started saying all of the ‘right’ things about how much he’d missed me and that we are soulmates, I found myself melting and we went back to my place and had sex. It wasn’t amazing admittedly, in fact, I would even say it was disappointing.
Anyway, I am furious because he crept out in the night and I haven’t heard from him since. He is ignoring my messages and just seems to have disappeared. Now he’s cut contact with me and it’s not supposed to be like this! I just want to know what the hell he thinks he’s playing at? What’s happened to the, “I love you” and “You know we’re gonna end up together”? You know what, I don’t even think I love him but I am burning from his rejection! What should I do?”
NML says: Ami, you’ve just had the one night stand equivalent of a car jacking, and I suggest you claim on your emotional insurance, and chalk this up to Yet Another Example of Why I Need to Drop this Assclown.
You don’t need to know why he has behaved like this – you can figure this out for yourself.
Always remember, if you engage with Mr Unavailable, no matter what you think, you’re playing on his rules and he will only do things that are self serving.
The first thing that Fallback Girls that cut contact or break up with Mr Unavailables need to learn is to stop being soft touches.
Considering that this man has essentially messed you around for three years, is a few sentiments that are not backed up with any concrete action all it takes for theis guy to suck you back in?
Well actually…yes.
He told you those things to weaken you because he knows that traditionally, all talk and very little action of substance, is all it has taken to bring you around to his way of thinking. He told you these things to get you into bed and to prove to you and to him that the door is still open for him to step in and out of your life.
He doesn’t love you. He’s too up his own bum and self involved to do that!
You’re not “soulmates” – he doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. Where is his soul exactly? He is certainly not connected emotionally or spiritually with you or anyone else for that matter!
Yes you were drunk, and yes you were horny, and you know what? Those two things don’t mix when you throw Mr Unavailable, breaking contact, low self esteem, and a possibly weak resolve together.
The best thing you could have done, is turned the tables on the mofo before he had a chance to leave. There you were getting your beauty sleep, and he’s creeping out because he has got what he wants – an ego confirmation that you are still emotionally invested in him, a shag, and an ego rub.
You, like many a Fallback Girl, didn’t even get a decent shag out of it! Talk about adding insult to injury!
It sounds like you also had expectations of the evening and really, you know the drill, to expect anything, is to send a Mr Unavailable running, or at the very least starting the blowing hot and cold cycle.
Remember: The moment that Mr Unavailable gets even a whiff of anything that suggests that you might ‘need’ him or ‘expect’ something from him, he’ll either start blowing lukewarm or cold to manage down your expectations or straight up disappear.
In this case, he’s probably been around you long enough to know that if he didn’t make a hasty exit, you might get the wrong idea when all he wanted to do was have sex, albeit mediocre, and prove that you aren’t over him.
If you find you break contact, for whatever reason, it’s best not to fixate on the fact that you broke it, and start working on damage control, and more importantly, pulling back control.
You need to refocus. You need to change your perspective. You rejected him and you’ve had a little backslide, but you are now rejecting his behaviour again.
Stop calling him. Shrieking at him like a fisherwoman will only serve to make him feel justified about his behaviour. He’s also unlikely to give you an explanation that you’ll be happy with, and quite frankly, what is the point?
You already know what has happened so stop chasing an explanation.
I would find new places to visit until you have broken the emotional tie with him because you don’t want to find yourself with the same issue again. It’s better to create new memories rather than spend a lot of time in old places thinking back. Also, if the correlation between you being very drunk and cutting contact is problematic, try to take it easy until you have a clearer head.
Let him be the one to make contact with you…and then ignore him.
Better still, look at the shag as several hours out of 7 weeks, and remind yourself that you have, can, and will continue to ignore him and at least you know now that all you’re missing is an empty vessel that makes a lot of noise to get you into bed, and that when he does, he doesn’t have much to offer, and creeps out like the coward that he is.
Good luck!
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Ugh! The first time I ran into The Math Teacher after breaking contact was a tense moment. Had I had more alcohol in my system, God only knows what might have happened. Thank goodness that these days enough time has gone by that when I see him at the club and he puts his hand on my a$$, the only thing the mofo gets in another taste of my unrelenting anger. It’s a fabulous place to be! I hope Ami can find it as well.
you need to NOT take it personal!!! obviously he is mentally disturbed!! The only realization that you come with is that you are human and have a lot to give and he has issues and a lot of work to do for himself!! work on your enlightment and think about yourself!! who cares what he did?? dont give him the joy of seeing you obssesed about it!! he might as well think it had been a one night thing for you…When he sees that you had dissapeared he might try to do it again.. or not! BUT YOU WONT CARE ANY WAY!! Be free of him by starting to not think of what happened that night. replace the thought for something else. Move on! Another thing: time is relative… it doesnt exist, you can take a year or a day to get over someone so stop seeing time as time, just let it pass, whatever “time’ it takes just let it be… take one day at the time..
Ami, what I see most of all, is that you don’t know what you want.
Yes, you were counting the days of ‘no contact’. But what issues were you working on? Watching the calendar spin will never solve an important problem -such as picking up guys for an intimacy-of-the-moment and expecting it to turn, with the flip of a bed sheet, into a life-mating.
You either get drunk and horny and grab someone with a pretty smile for a meaningless exposure to social diseases, pregnancy, and a hormone flurry, or you intentionally evaluate a possible partner in a sober manner.
It sounds like you got everything from this re-started romance that you put into it. a few hours under the influence might build a fairy tale, but not a relationship. Pick a guy based on his character traits. The last thing you want in a life partner is someone smooth and slick at talking women into bed. You don’t want someone experienced in bar scenes and using alcohol to excess. Trust and respect are cold, sober qualities. And they make great foundations to a long term relationship.
Didn’t your older sister ever tell you, “Never believe any words spoken 1 hour before, or 1/2 hour after an orgasm or the hope of one.”?!?
Frankly, it sounds like this bar-toad gave you a pity-shag. He said the things you wanted to hear, for the moment, and even went home with you when you seemed receptive. His heart wasn’t in being much more than ‘polite’, though.
And have you thought how he feels – two months of being cut off – then a drunken squeeze. Explain how this wins his respect, admiration, trust, and gratitude.
The best way I can think of to sum up your evening that night, is: Oops.
Ouch Ami! All that work you did … gone in a flash of his pants. I am so sorry.
I think maybe (like me) you just wanted him to love you so much that you believed him. How wonderful to believe that fairy tale – he’s back and he really does love you. Well, you fell for it. It was a horrible lie.
I cant take your pain away, but you can – go back to NC and stick with it. I know it is hard, but you deserve so much better! We all do.
Ami, you gotta believe that any guy who would treat you this way is true pond scum. And even though you know deep inside that he is pond scum, it’s still hard because you’re still emotionally invested.
I feel for you! And believe me, if it were anyone else going through this you would be the first to claim they deserve so much better. I know this because it’s obvious you have a good heart.
All this guy can give you is validation of self-hatred. Because inside we all know if we loved ourselves we wouldn’t put up with this type of crap. You’d be on to the next thing.
In 12 step programs they call this a slip. It aint’ worth much if you don’t learn from it and that is exactly why it happened. Learn from it and move on. You also need a “sponser” when you go out and decide to have a few. Blessings!
this story and so many on this website are EXACTLY what i’m afraid of. i feel okay now that i’ve cut off the last EUM (should i have capitalized that?) but i’m afraid the current one is the same way. and then it’s like what do i do if i let myself get done dirty by this one then fallback to the other one for sex or fake emotional support to make me feel better??? this stuff is hard forreal…
Loving Annie … AMEN Sistah!
NML,
Once again, you hit the nail on the head and speak to me as well when I would allow contact after not seeing him for so long.
You really clarify the truth of their actions and WHY I DON’T WANT IT – IT ISN’T IMPRESSIVE so very very well.
You really see into all the/his games and call him on it.
As far as Brad’s comment , somewhat brutal but also had some truth until…
“And have you thought how he feels – two months of being cut off – then a drunken squeeze. Explain how this wins his respect, admiration, trust, and gratitude. ”
What this brings up is once again making the woman responsible for the man’s bad behavior. As though SHE was at fault somehow for hoping.
Yes, she shouldn’t have sletp with him/wouldn’t have wanted to if her self-esteem had been stronger/she truly realized what a worthless rat he is.
But I think it ALSO should be what has HE done to win her admiration, respect, trust or gratitude with his actions – and the answer is nothing.
“
Loving Annie, I had assumed, as Ami should have, that the bar-toad would act the same way as he did seven weeks earlier. Ami’s actions didn’t excuse or cause him to do what he did.
But what Ami did was responsible for what happened to her, for the way she feels now. Call it it falling for his line, turning back the clock, trying to start over (!?), or ‘Oops.’ Or even call it a first date. Sex, on the first date. Sex, under the influence, on the first date. If I remember the consensus, sex on the first date usually means the guy buzzes off.
Why would I call this a first date? No contact for seven weeks, Ami had claimed the relationship was over. The bar-toad started out the evening with a smile and a line, and no relationship framework. There was history – but the history included disappointment and breaking off the relationship. This was starting over. With sex. On the first date.
The only way that Ami’s concerns now could have come out differently – was to not have talked to the bar-toad. Nothing she said, nothing else she was likely to do would have changed the outcome. The No Contact Rule was her shield from this guy, while she regrouped and worked out what she wanted to do better with the rest of her life.
No, I don’t blame Ami for what he did. His actions were his responsibility. But only Ami could have stayed out of his way.
Loving Annie, one more thought. The No Contact Rule is *entirely* about taking charge of your actions – and avoiding getting hurt by *staying out of his way*.
Anytime we talk with someone, or interact socially or intimately, we make ourselves vulnerable. We allow the partner in conversation, the partner in dance, the partner in bar shenanigans, the chance to affect us. We always hope their effect will be to increase our joy and happiness, increase our security, and enable us to enrich the rest of those around us.
When we step back from an unsuitable person, we put up walls, and shields, and armor, to protect us completely or maybe partially against what we fear they will do to us. In Ami’s case, the only shield she put up was the No Contact Rule. She might have evaluated possible acquaintances by ‘is he honorable?’ That is a shield, a test to help keep those that aren’t honorable from getting close enough to hurt us badly. Ami might have said, “You know, Brad suggested not talking to anyone in bar that I didn’t enter with. I can’t talk to the bar-toad.” Or she might have said, “I am following NML’s No Contact Rule, so even though the bar-toad is a sure bet to get jiggy with tonight, and he is usually fun to get jiggy with, I won’t talk to him because we might get jiggy, but I won’t enjoy the rest of his baggage.” She put aside her armor, her shield. She took a chance on very poor odds, and lost. The getting jiggy wasn’t as great as anticipated, and he bugged out early. His actions are no surprise.
What is a surprise, is that Ami seems surprised that the same mistakes bear the same consequences. This blog, Baggage Reclaim, is full of admonitions that the bar-toad types don’t change, and that a girl has to make some changes in her life to break the cycle of going back to the same type of relationship. Ami just hasn’t heard the second part yet.
Omg, same thing happened to me!!!!! What is that about?? I now feel rejected!!!
In fact, no, it was slightly different from me in that when I went back for that one session he thought that I wanted us to get back together. Obviously I did want that but I wouldn’t permit it. A couple of weeks later, after I’d rejected him and after his friend had told him he’d seen me out with ‘another bloke’ I began to miss UMM and tried to win him back to no avail. I worried that it was becuase he’d moved on. I feel better that it’s because he wasn’t enjoying my treatment of him!!! Pays him back somewhat for his treatment of me.
Brad K, I really cannot read your posts. As in, I refuse to read them because having been in Ami’s position, and seeing it from her perspective, your comments are really harsh. And not just on this thread. Ami is probably feeling quite vulnerable right now. I know I am.
Brad K,
I have to agree with everything you have said………yeah “harsh” if that’s what you want to call it, but TRUTH seems more appropriate to me. I posted back a couple blogs ago with somewhat of a similar situation and oh yeah rejection hurts. But at the same time, If I didn’t put myself in that situation and CHOOSE to do what I did, there would be no feelings of rejection or any other host of different emotions. I feel for you girls cuz as I said I was there too, but even though the truth hurts, it’s the best thing we need to hear. That truth is what ultimately will set us FREE one day. Thanks Brad, I know I benefited from your comments, especially coming from a male’s perspective.
Burgled!
I am sorry to sound harsh to you. I cannot know what you are feeling, only imagine. I don’t want you or Ami to feel any worse than you do.
I have friends, and a cousin, that I have watched fall into similar painful affairs. The answer has never been to try to ‘fix’ him. Or to try to make him happy. The problem is that they picked a guy that was never going to work out in a long-term relationship. And then they felt that if they wanted it to last, that it should. It doesn’t work that way. Talking long term, sharing lives, and especially sharing a bed won’t change him.
If you can not get him involved in a long term relationship before sharing bed sheets, you will not get him later. If you don’t try to build a long term relationship before you share a bed, you won’t know until later if he is a stick-around type of guy. Sex builds bridges for women, builds bonds and ties and binds lives together. Men are different under the covers, wishing won’t change that. So sharing intimacy will *not* bind a guy to you, even when it does help you feel closer – if you are already in a relationship.
Endings are horrible. Endings are not just about being away from someone that you know, endings are about unraveling the physical bonds that enmesh people, as their bodies adapt to each other through exchanges of hormones through shared breaths, through caresses and touching. Endings are about plans and dreams that fall apart and endings get murky. Endings are about grief, about denial and anger before there can be acceptance and healing. Everyone that loses someone wants to turn back the clock and undo the loss, to make the pain not have been.
Burgled!, I am sorry for your loss. Ami, I am sorry that your relationship ended.
Brad K,
It’s really easy to say, yeah, what you say is true (although I don’t agree with everything you said) when you’re not reeling from a breakup, from being vulnerable or having done something you seriously regret or that caused you PAIN.
But someone who has just been cast aside the way Ami has doesn’t need to hear “the cold, hard truth” right now. In fact, some people use the truth as a weapon and that was the sense I got from you.
Try and be a little sensitive. Ami and all the rest of us are just trying to make our way in the world. Nobody puts themselves in a situation where they are abused if they feel good about themselves.
Someone like Ami would be better served with friends who can help bolster her self-confidence, rather than somebody who thinks he’s so smart and has all the answers. Next time you’re caught with your heart in your hands lets see how much you want to hear “the cold heart truth” from someone on a Web site.
Brad,
in a position of dtrength, your take is coldy accurate. No dispute there. It’s ALL about being smart enough to know a red flag and avoid it.
But Ami wasn’t there yet – she is still learning. And we’ve all had to learn, and sometimes it is quick, and sometimes it is slow.
My main point was that bar toad didn’t act impressive and she should have been scornful of him – rather than being put in a position to feel ashamed of what he was thinking of her after the fact.
Part of healing with abusive people is focuisng on how I (or Ami or whoever) thinks/feel about him and his total lack of respectful actions– NOT what he feels about me and trying to be better in his eyes.
NO CONTACT is to protect yourself. It isn’t easy to do — until it becomes automatic when the bar toads of the world are seen as the destructive manipulative player assclowns they are instead of loves that had good qualities and things might be rekindled.
I think Brad is useful because he’s right. for the most part
It just a matter of timing whether what he says can be heard and understood…
Being raw and vulnerable, it’s hard to take it in.
When you are over someone or strong – you can see what he says and why it rings true.
So I’d hate to see him go away – even though what he said might hurt like h*ll if I was still in the low-self-esteem-it’s-really about-him-and-not -the-why-I-should-be-more-self-protective-yet stage.
No offense to Brad K., but I have an easier time hearing the truth from another woman than a man for some reason on the subject of emotionally unavailable men. Maybe I just can’t grasp the concept that a man who doesn’t have those issues can understand what motivates a man who does….? I think NML is pretty blunt and honest about things she writes on this website, and I find it interesting that we don’t seem to get upset at her, but when a man comments, we get a little defensive. Interesting……
Brad K –
My situation is a testament this part of what you said:
“The problem is that they picked a guy that was never going to work out in a long-term relationship. And then they felt that if they wanted it to last, that it should. It doesn’t work that way. Talking long term, sharing lives, and especially sharing a bed won’t change him.”
The EUM I was involved with stated right off the bat that he didn’t want a relationship. The problem was I fell for him so hard that I didn’t listen – I didn’t believe him.
He is what he is – an emotionless, abusive user. In my La-La-Land of Love, I thought he could change. NOPE! This guy said himself that he was “the devil” and that nobody could hate him more than he hates himself. To me, a tender-hearted caretaker – that was a cry for help! It has taken me 2 years to see how wrong I was – and I am still struggling. I’m still IN it … 26 days of NC later. I am literally crawling away. Ami is crawling away too. It is hard to stand back up after your self-esteem has been beaten to a pulp.
And thing you said really bothered me – to the point of tears:
You said, “Sex builds bridges for women, builds bonds and ties and binds lives together. Men are different under the covers, wishing won’t change that.”
What do you mean by that? What are you saying about honest, loving men that are in a relationship? I am certain that Ami was not thinking – oh, yea – I’ll have sex with him and change his mind . I never thought of using sex as a way to keep my ex-assclown around. It was simply the ONLY way I felt close to him.
Your comments make me want to run from all of them … please explain yourself.
I know what you mean, FinallyOverIt, I just can’t take advice from someone who quite literally has never been in my position. And no guy can ever have been. Even if he has been in a relationship with a woman who is emotionally unavailable, a guy has different thought processes and emotions to a woman and can never fully understand. I could never profess to understand how a man feels, by the same token.
An older friend once told me when I was 18 that I was wise. That was because I used logic and common sense to reason with and advise her. Someone who is actually dealing with an issue and is emotionally involved is rarely able to actually use such reasoning. Even if they are able to see the solution to their problem they often find it difficult to actually go about solving it in a logical manner when feelings are involved. To sum up, I was not wise, and I was not offering her advice that she could take, as I had never been in her position. It is so much easier to advise from the outside.
My best friend is in a very tumultuous relationship and I can advise her ’til the cows come home, but if she doesn’t want to hear it or doesn’t want to follow my advice then she won’t, and rightly so.
It’s always comforting to hear from people who have been there or are currently in the same position as yourself. It’s good to be able to encourage others and help them on the road to recovery. But I could not write on a blog where middle aged men discuss mid life crises, or new mothers discuss the hardships of parenthood. I would feel like a patronising ass.
That aside, I have begun to feel better since NC resumed on Wednesday… last night I bumped into a newly single friend of UMM, who was giving me a lot of attention and, I may be mistaken, but appeared to be quite interested. It’s always nice to see that the guy who you’ve broken it off with isn’t the only guy who’s ever liked you, and the fact that it’s one of his friends is a further kick in the teeth for him, should we ever get together. Anyway, that may sound spiteful but well, there you have it. There are plenty more lobsters in the pot. Just a shame that UMM is the only lobster that I’ve 100% fallen for, where the feeling’s been mutual. And I still do think about him. Obviously, because it’s only day 4.
I am really grateful to NML and everyone who has responded to problem and I’m kinda shocked that a heated debate has started up.
It’s painful to read what happened in black and white, NML’s response and all of yours because I have realised over the past few days that I sound like a woman who doesn’t know what I want.
I did cut contact with him but for a few hours I sort of like the idea of him wanting me back and it all just suddenly working out. I should know better but and this is to Annie D…. I think on some level that us reconnecting that night in bed combined with the 7 week gap would make him see what he is missing. Stupid huh? If someone said to me do I think that sleeping with him will change his mind? I would say no. Then I think back to all of the times that bastard has disappeared on me and we’ve slept together and I’ve been full of hope and I do think on some level I did think us having sex or moreover the act of reconnecting would bring him to me.
Burgled I really appreciate you standing up for me and i feel your pain like you feel mine. You’re right that I am totally vulnerable but….reading these comments and going back through some posts that NML has written recently I realise that I am not a victim and that I need to be accountable.
I felt sexy and powerful for a short time that night and it was like I held all the cards. I wanted him to want me and you know what? I wanted him to feel like I have done in the past – discarded. I have been hurt because I deviated from the plan and I feel like he has the upper hand. And seeing my frustration I realise it’s kinda childish…. I am like a woman scorned. I don’t even want this guy! If I stay with NCR I am discarding him. He is a coward like all e.u.m. and he will come creeping back and I won’t be there. He will never have a chance to hurt me like this. I am going to stop hurting me because I keep engaging in the same battle each time as if I expect a different result and then wondering why I am hurt.
This has been an epiphany for me. I read about those too on this site and I realise that this power he thinks he has over me is subjective. The silly bastard did use and discard me but he can believe that I want him all he wants because I don’t and he’ll be shocked when he tries to come knocking and I won’t respond. I have wasted so much time thinking about him and I think being mad at him gave me another chance to hold on to something.
Brad I think you are harsh but you do speak a lot of sense even though I get the vibe you are an older guy. Your comment stung but I think it is more because there was some truth in it………………..
Only read ya first paragraph, but had to get this down before I forget…
You do not sound like someone who doesn’t know what they want!!!
I am the same… what I want and what I know is best/right/good for me are two completely different things.
You know what you want in your heart, but you know what you need in your head.
Don’t let anyone make out that you’re being indecisive cos that you ain’t!
Oh, and another thing… I think that your man is in denial. He may think that he has the upperhand, having slpet with you after you ended it, and then blanking you. But, he has not managed to turn it around. You are not there for him like you were when you were together, and he knows he has no hope of that. His ego boost will have been shortlived.
I don’t think either of us are victims, or that anyone else is on here for that matter. People and feelings are complicated.
I don’t blame my UMM for what’s gone on and I don’t blame myself either. It’s happened, it’s been an experience with many highs and many lows and I’d like to think that once I’ve fully come out of this I will be stronger for it. I couldn’t even honestly say that if the clock were turned back I would act any differently.
Anyway, I forget where I’m going with this ramble. Just, look after yourself and don’t be too harsh ’cause everyone gets mixed up in stuff that’s probably not that good for them. That’s life.
Don’t be too harsh on yaself, I meant
@annied,
About “Sex builds bridges for women, builds bonds and ties and binds lives together. Men are different under the covers, wishing won’t change that”
I paid good money for the seminar that made this statement, that sex for men is stroking their ego, for women it is building bridges.
What else can it be? At the beginning of a relationship, the guy is ‘visiting’, he has no stake in the outcome. His invitation is on sufferance – one mistake and he is gone, and he usually won’t be able to avoid all the mistakes. The rules for extending his invite aren’t written, and many of them change from moment to moment.
This doesn’t have to happen. When the relationship becomes long-term before the sex starts, as in couples that ‘wait’ for marriage, neither partner is the visitor. When the sex happens on the first date, one or both are absolutely visitors, and the sex is just an activity.
On the third date? The woman can imagine he has so much invested because he cherishes a relationship, and ‘grants’ an invite .. to her visitor. What he knows is that while enjoying time with her, his investment of time and effort, and possibly money or conspicuous tokens of ‘affection’ buy him a chance at an invite. And each succeeding date or invite is conditional.
And that is what I call casual sex. The sex happens before there is a relationship, one that engages life plans for both participants – a mating. With casual sex, one or both is a visitor.
An EUM might be considered a ‘permanent guest’, rather than a mate. An EUM will always be a visitor.
Look around at happily married couples – there are good men and women out there. And there are ways to build good relationships. Just don’t confuse visitors with family.
Ah, I get it. You were definitely deeper on this subject than I thought.
Those of us involved with an EUM – me, for sure – have trouble “getting” that, especially when we are so wrapped up in the “relationship”. And we are literally wrapped in it, tight. Even though my ex clearly told me that he was just visiting (as you said), I did not believe him.
That was my issue for two years. I didnt believe him. He would act differently toward me – make me feel like we were getting closer – then we’d get too close for him and he’d go back to his original stand. Definitely, I want you – I dont want you, over and over again. I stayed because i figured eventually the “I want you” would win out. But …
He was always a visitor. I have not gotten this clarity from staying in it either. The only way we can see things as they really are is if we step away. it is hard as hell to step away. It’s terrifying. The NCR is the only way to do this. For me it’s only been 28 days, but I feel like I’m coming back to life again. Slowly, very slowly.
When I feel weak or vulnerable or just plain crazy, it helps me to come and read these articles and posts more than anything. It also helps to have the occasional man’s point of view thrown in. Men and women are not the same. IMHO, I think that if the sexes would really accept this truth, there would be less misunderstandings between us.
My ex accused me of wanting every day to be a “FN Hallmark card” … really? Maybe he was right, and I tried to change that about myself b/c I knew he didn’t like it. Now I see that was wrong. I accepted him for who he was (an ass) and he could not accept me for who I was … annie-hearts-and-flowers. 😀
and ya know what? that girl ain’t so bad after all!
Thanks for responding Brad.
I’ve been so tortured lately. I’ve been spending so much time trying to figure out my EUM. And everything everyone says about their experiences and especially their thoughts echo my thoughts and patterns.
Ugh!!
Well, I do feel I am breaking my bad patterns regarding caring and being cared for.
The epiphany moment for me was laying in bed (alone of course) a couple of weeks ago and admitting to myself that I hated myself and I didn’t deserve that.
It really colors everything you do – the way you feel about yourself.
I agree with what some have said about not knowing what they want. Because, here’s the kicker. If any of us were emotionally available we wouldn’t end up getting in relationship after relationship with EUM.. There would be nothing appealing about them.
I think I can finally say that I understand that EUM do not change overnight. Heck, who does? I’m certain it’s possible that they could change but they won’t do it for us. I mean, really, when I’ve tried to change for someone it’s not worked out at all.
There are super, wonderful kind men out there. I’ve met many. We just have to be able to connect with them. And I think that’s what we need to work on, not foolish hopes and dreams that never approach reality.
Thanks for listening.
Omg, he’s done it again… if/when I text him, he replies straight away with the minimal response, and doesn’t ask me any questions, and then I reply and he doesn’t reply again ever.
This is my ex-UMM, btw.
This has been the case over the past 2 months since I finished it with him. So I thought ”fine. whatever” and then he goes and rings me on the wknd and so i assume after that we can at least be friendly, hence me txting him yesterday.
”There are super, wonderful kind men out there. I’ve met many. We just have to be able to connect with them. And I think that’s what we need to work on, not foolish hopes and dreams that never approach reality.”
Too true.
I’m getting better at this malarky, though… rebuffed the advances of someone displaying numerous red flags, recently.
@Burgled!, umm, “Omg, he’s done it again… if/when I text him, he replies straight away with the minimal response, and doesn’t ask me any questions, and then I reply and he doesn’t reply again ever.”
What I don’t get is .. if it is over, why are you texting him? Bad habit? Or for work or social business? *Texting??*
Forgive me, but it sounds like he is being polite, avoiding trouble, and moving on with his life – without you. If it is over, that is as it should be, and he gives a very, very good example of a respectful way to move on.
You cannot consider an ex-lover to be a friend. It does happen rarely, but I wouldn’t plan on making friends all over again for 3-4 years. Until then, allow space, use formal etiquette rules to the max, and keep all emotions out of any required communications. Be kind, and don’t initiate any personal communications.
Or face the fact that you aren’t moving on, apologize, communicate with him in a way that he appreciates, at times that are convenient and enjoyable for him. Be very clear about what you want for the relationship, be perceptive about what he wants vs. his guessing what you want or his being polite. Making bad assumptions about what the other person wants is a big factor in failed communications.
More likely, though, the affair of the heart and bed is indeed over, but you are still clinging to the warm feelings mixed through the rest of the memories of him. And you are still sorting out what life means, now, after the end.
Luck.
Burgled, if you are really honest with yourself: he has not done it again, you have done it again…
”Forgive me, but it sounds like he is being polite, avoiding trouble, and moving on with his life – without you. If it is over, that is as it should be, and he gives a very, very good example of a respectful way to move on”
Thank you Brad, I know. You’re right. My gut told me when he first did this that actually, he has moved on.
The only confusing factor is him ringing me and reminiscing and attempting to make plans for a rendezvous. It was very obvious that he wanted us to get together again.
Astelle, you are also correct… I have done it again, hence me being annoyed with myself. But I wouldn’t’ve done had he not ‘phoned me to say that he wants us to get together and make the most of a situation that has recently arisen.
Burgled, he called you when it was convient for him and wanted something from you. He is not polite, avoiding trouble, he blows hot and cold.
He is not respectful either, he is a liar and a cheater, isn’t he married?
Brad, you are cutting this man way to much slack.
Burgled, you are the only one that can stop this madness, he will play as long as you let him.
astelle,
“Brad, you are cutting this man way to much slack.”
I have never seen a breakup where there was a single bad guy and a victim. The opposing stories both seem to make sense. But.
I don’t take the point of view that I do to defend the guy, to give him the benefit of the doubt, or to suggest that it might not be all his fault. My reasoning is that holding him to blame holds Burgled! back. The anger, even correctly placed anger, is wearying, is distracting, and conceals opportunities for healing.
A toad is a toad. Calling it a toad doesn’t make it less of a toad, or more of a toad. It remains a toad. An EUM or assclown is what he is, regardless of what name I use, or how angry I am when I say it.
But if I want to live a life without assclowns and toads, then I need to start looking at people in a different way. And the terms I use, the blames I assess, the angers I hold will change how I view everyone. When we have a great enemy – a Hitler, an assclown, a bar toad, we have to focus all of our attention on defending ourselves, surviving contact with the enemy, and fighting a war. If, however, we tire of the war, we have to think of what was our great enemy as something less likely to harm us, something that we can deal with as an almost-normal person that we, from today forward for the rest of our lives, recognize as ‘not trusted’, ‘not respected’, and also ‘not a nice person to be with’. That fulfills what we need for the rest of our lives. We don’t need to hang onto our great enemies. Great enemies define who we are and how we confront the world too narrowly.
So I don’t cut the guy slack. I just don’t care about what he has done all that much. What is important is Burgled!’s healing, her peace and her future joy. The toad was a toad, is still a toad, and now is a toad that isn’t in Burgled’s life. Victory!
Oops. astelle, I thought this over, and I have a bit different answer.
We *do* need our ‘Great Enemies”. Mostly, people don’t change, except for trauma. Making a decision to change, and following through is a little death, a clearing away of the old life and building a new one. Change is measured in pain. And we don’t leave even a painful situation unless we have to – traumatic events force us to change, or we find that we cannot go on as we are, and choose the pain, the disruption, the uncertainty of change.
When we end an addiction – overeating, a bad relationship, substance abuse – recognizing that we face a Great Enemy helps us focus our energy on building our new life, and ending the old one. The image of the Great Enemy makes change possible.
But after the conflict, once we have a life worth living, one without the addicting behavior set on our Great Enemy, then we need to put that image aside.
As we gain confidence in our escape, our victory, we need to broaden our focus to the wide world around us. We keep an eye our our foe, but we can no longer let the Great Enemy define who we are, how we act, or what we feel. And that change from war to life cannot happen until the anger and fear become mere wariness.
Rather than ‘cutting the guy way too much slack’, I intended to direct attention to the next step – react from experience and confidence, rather than from the anger and hurt appropriate for the injuries of the past.
Brad K,
I know some ladies may find it hard to swallow a males opinion but I personally think its good to hear a males prospective on this subject. I found myself in a similar situation as Burgled..I broke up with my EUM 4months ago after 1.5yrs together.
We weren’t bf & gf in the sense but we always talked about future, getting married to each other, were lovers but somehow I knew he had a GF bc he would
always disappear on me on the wknds, not show up when he said he would-classic EUM tendencies. Oh yeah forgot to mention we work together. When I left him back in March he called me a few times but I
put up the NC wall and I maintained it until mid April and I caved in and we had sx. After that he txt me a few times but never made an attempt to be with me on the wknds nor did it seem like
he changed his ways. So I put back the NC wall… -since then my EUM has called me on my cell, landline, txt me, tried to grab me in the elevators @ work, told
me he still loves me, when I run into him @ the office, he asks me to call him etc. I would be lying if I said I ignored every txt, the few txts I answered, the few times I paid him any attention he would
respond but then blow cold again. So finally last wk when I ran into him in the elevator @ the office he tried kissing me, and I avoided it but he had the nerve to get mad @ me for treating him ‘coldly’ and with
attitude…I ignored his comment..Soon after getting to my desk he calls my ext and demands to know why im being so cold to him, why wont I talk to him, etc, etc. I basically told him I don’t want to talk to him and hung up on him..that was last Thursday. Now here’s my question for you Brad why does he do this??? Why doesn’t he leave me alone? He cant commit to me but yet still looks for me when its convenient. How do I handle an EUM like this??? Especially since I work in the same company as him!!!
Kendra,
‘Why does he do this?’ a) Because he can; b) he is frustrated. Without changing his habits and lifestyle, you came back, then went away, and he cannot be sure what your ‘no’ means today; and c) He was goofy before, he is goofy now, and will continue to be goofy, EUM, immature, etc.
Where I work they have mandatory meetings that include reviewing the company policy on sexual harassment. This includes any *unwanted* sexual contact, pressure, words, gestures, etc. Instead of asking ‘why does he’, why not talk to your supervisor. Discuss only the pertinent information – that you did date the guy, that you broke it off, that he is groping you in the elevator and harassing you using company phones and email. Do yourself a favor and do *not* volunteer any other history, but explain as simply as possible if your supervisor asks. Do claim that you have told the guy to back off, do *not* list more than the most recent time. Most companies will warn Bozo once to back off. You need to be honest with yourself and your company – when you ask for their protection (the issue is ‘hostile work environment’ and OSHA demands it for everyone) do *not* get waffly about being casual, friendly, or cuddly with Bozo. If your supervisor gives you anything like a hard time, you should have a Human Resources department to refer the matter, along with a complaint about how your boss treated your report of harassment.
In all instances, be polite, be professional with everyone that you work with. Including Bozo. You might keep notes to write about the hazards of dating at work..
In private time, use the No Contact Rules. Keep reminding yourself that the ex is now not an intimate companion, that history only reinforces the judgment that Bozo isn’t worth your time, nor the risk you run if you allow him into your life.
You might turn to increased exercise to reduce the amount of time you have to think about cuddling with the only cuddle companion you have had in the last couple of years. Exercise can also help deal with accumulating tension and hormones. If you can find an exercise (walking, running, aerobics, yoga, or other) buddy (preferably female, of good character) or three, the distraction and mutual support will go a long ways toward an emotionally balanced life. Other hobbies and activities work wonders, too, especially if you also find companionship. But exercise does burn hormones… at least at first.
Brad thanks for the advice-and if I had to choose from you’re A,B,C list-I would choose c) He was goofy before, he is goofy now, and will continue to be goofy, EUM, immature, etc. I would always call him out on his immaturity. For a split second I thought last wk perhaps hes still in love with me and realizes his loss but I know that’s not the case bc grabbing me, trying to kiss me does NOT mean he loves me.
Im not sure how I feel about talking to a supervisor about this..its waaaaayyyy too personal to do and vindictive. Im not trying to get him fired or anything but I understand what you’re saying…