Ami asks: “NML, I was doing so well! I cut contact with my Mr Unavailable after he had been messing me around for three years. I had tried many a time to walk away and he just wouldn’t accept it. I got tired of explaining and discussing, so I cut contact with him and 7 weeks went by, and I bumped into him at a club we both used to go to.
I was pretty hammered and OK a bit horny and when he started saying all of the ‘right’ things about how much he’d missed me and that we are soulmates, I found myself melting and we went back to my place and had sex. It wasn’t amazing admittedly, in fact, I would even say it was disappointing.
Anyway, I am furious because he crept out in the night and I haven’t heard from him since. He is ignoring my messages and just seems to have disappeared. Now he’s cut contact with me and it’s not supposed to be like this! I just want to know what the hell he thinks he’s playing at? What’s happened to the, “I love you” and “You know we’re gonna end up together”? You know what, I don’t even think I love him but I am burning from his rejection! What should I do?”
NML says: Ami, you’ve just had the one night stand equivalent of a car jacking, and I suggest you claim on your emotional insurance, and chalk this up to Yet Another Example of Why I Need to Drop this Assclown.
You don’t need to know why he has behaved like this – you can figure this out for yourself.
Always remember, if you engage with Mr Unavailable, no matter what you think, you’re playing on his rules and he will only do things that are self serving.
The first thing that Fallback Girls that cut contact or break up with Mr Unavailables need to learn is to stop being soft touches.
Considering that this man has essentially messed you around for three years, is a few sentiments that are not backed up with any concrete action all it takes for theis guy to suck you back in?
He told you those things to weaken you because he knows that traditionally, all talk and very little action of substance, is all it has taken to bring you around to his way of thinking. He told you these things to get you into bed and to prove to you and to him that the door is still open for him to step in and out of your life.
He doesn’t love you. He’s too up his own bum and self involved to do that!
You’re not “soulmates” – he doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. Where is his soul exactly? He is certainly not connected emotionally or spiritually with you or anyone else for that matter!
Yes you were drunk, and yes you were horny, and you know what? Those two things don’t mix when you throw Mr Unavailable, breaking contact, low self esteem, and a possibly weak resolve together.
The best thing you could have done, is turned the tables on the mofo before he had a chance to leave. There you were getting your beauty sleep, and he’s creeping out because he has got what he wants – an ego confirmation that you are still emotionally invested in him, a shag, and an ego rub.
You, like many a Fallback Girl, didn’t even get a decent shag out of it! Talk about adding insult to injury!
It sounds like you also had expectations of the evening and really, you know the drill, to expect anything, is to send a Mr Unavailable running, or at the very least starting the blowing hot and cold cycle.
Remember: The moment that Mr Unavailable gets even a whiff of anything that suggests that you might ‘need’ him or ‘expect’ something from him, he’ll either start blowing lukewarm or cold to manage down your expectations or straight up disappear.
In this case, he’s probably been around you long enough to know that if he didn’t make a hasty exit, you might get the wrong idea when all he wanted to do was have sex, albeit mediocre, and prove that you aren’t over him.
If you find you break contact, for whatever reason, it’s best not to fixate on the fact that you broke it, and start working on damage control, and more importantly, pulling back control.
You need to refocus. You need to change your perspective. You rejected him and you’ve had a little backslide, but you are now rejecting his behaviour again.
Stop calling him. Shrieking at him like a fisherwoman will only serve to make him feel justified about his behaviour. He’s also unlikely to give you an explanation that you’ll be happy with, and quite frankly, what is the point?
You already know what has happened so stop chasing an explanation.
I would find new places to visit until you have broken the emotional tie with him because you don’t want to find yourself with the same issue again. It’s better to create new memories rather than spend a lot of time in old places thinking back. Also, if the correlation between you being very drunk and cutting contact is problematic, try to take it easy until you have a clearer head.
Let him be the one to make contact with you…and then ignore him.
Better still, look at the shag as several hours out of 7 weeks, and remind yourself that you have, can, and will continue to ignore him and at least you know now that all you’re missing is an empty vessel that makes a lot of noise to get you into bed, and that when he does, he doesn’t have much to offer, and creeps out like the coward that he is.
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