Even though you may not be able to see it right now, one day you will experience something else that will show you why a particular difficult experience was a blessing in disguise. Would you go through it again? Hell NO, but if you can discover the positive message and beneficial insights and truths that lie within, in time you’ll find emotional peace.
Be thankful that they didn’t show up. They’re teaching you who they really are and that’s not someone who deserves the time of day from you. Now you can move on.
Be thankful they let you down – you can adjust your expectations of them now.
Be thankful they haven’t called you up since you started No Contact. You cut contact for a reason and even if they did call, it’s unlikely to cancel out the pain you’ve experienced or meet your expectations.
Be thankful that they ended things when you couldn’t, even if it was in a sucky manner. Him/her doing for you what you couldn’t do for yourself at the time, is a wake up call for you to have your own back in future.
Be thankful that they repeated their past behaviour with you because you can stop kidding yourself that they’ve spontaneously combusted into a better person and leave them be.
Be thankful they haven’t left their wife/husband/partner. If your relationship is based on lies and they’ve kept you waiting around while they make up their mind about what they’re doing, they’re doing you a favour. You just don’t realise it yet.
Be thankful that you recognised that they couldn’t meet your needs and that you were, in fact, incompatible. Now you can become more self-aware and focus on living your life congruently with your values so that you can be happy.
Be thankful that you set boundaries. They’re giving you self-respect and even though it may feel uncomfortable initially, especially when people who expect to get their way can’t and don’t, stick with it. In the medium and long-term, you will reap the rewards by being in situations and around people that reflect a more positive you.
Be thankful that you didn’t judge a book by its cover and you decided to go on a second, third etc date with someone who didn’t set off fireworks as soon as you met like all your exes did.
Be thankful that they ignored your call or email. You’ll thank yourself later for not being sucked back into the cycle all over again.
Be thankful that you’re single. Don’t treat it like that pain-in-the-bum time between relationships. Enjoy it and discover and love you independently of a relationship so that you don’t shortchange yourself in the future.
Be thankful that they said “I don’t want a relationship now” and other such guff because if you heed the code red warning, you’re getting an early opt-out with no penalties.
Be thankful for the insights that you stand to gain from a relationship. Life serves us lessons to teach us about where we need to adapt our thinking and behaviour. Until we’ve learned, they keep coming back like Michael Myers in Halloween. Every relationship gives you a window into understanding you better and how you can meet your own needs and respect your own values moving forward. Listen. Watch. Learn. Grow.
Be thankful that they consistently show you who they are. It’s now your job to accept them and stop hoping that they’ll become the person you thought they were or that they’ll live up to your imagined potential
Be thankful for the experiences —good, bad, or indifferent. Relationships serve to teach us about ourselves. There’s a lot of lessons in there, and you’ll find they won’t repeat themselves if you pay attention!
Be thankful that you said NO. Even though it took you out of your comfort zone to not be so agreeable, recognise that saying YES meant busting your own boundaries, going against your own values, or just doing something that you don’t want to do.
Be thankful that you’ve learned to say NO and set limits. It opens you up to saying more genuine, positive yeses. You are not a Yes Person. You’re Not a Doormat. It’s OK to say NO.
Be thankful for the bad times because they teach you to appreciate and recognise the good times.
Be thankful that they’ve moved on. Yeah it hurts, but it’s the kick up the bum that says it’s time to shift up a gear and move on with your own life.
Be thankful you didn’t wait around. You’d still be waiting.
Be thankful for time. Even though we don’t know how much time we have left, the point is that we have it. Use it wisely. Value it.
Be thankful that they beat it after you said you wouldn’t sleep with them when you hardly even know them. Better they reveal their true motives now instead of Future Faking to get what they want and then disappearing anyway.
Be thankful for all the people who are happy, loving, and trying in healthier relationships. If they can do it, you can too.
Be thankful that even though you get a little panicky at times, they’re still there loving and believing in you and you’re trusting in your new relationship.
Be thankful they didn’t want you when they realised they couldn’t take advantage of you or abuse you. It’s not because you’re not good enough for them to change; they’re who they are.
Be thankful that you found out that they were not who they claimed to be or acted like they were. Whenever you found out and dealt with the consequences, at least you found out.
Be thankful that they embarrassed or humiliated you for the last time, because it is the last time, isn’t it?
Be thankful that they didn’t value you because you get to learn and appreciate your own value.
Be thankful that they said they wanted to break up with you. Seriously. A lot of people don’t have the balls and decency to be honest and will stay with you while feeling half-hearted interest, enjoying the fringe benefits and looking out for the next person. It hurts but you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t value you and the relationship enough to want to put themselves in and work at it. I know it hurts, but don’t sell yourself short by preferring to be in a relationship that’s struggling than none at all. Believe there is better for you.
Be thankful for the small, medium, and large things in life.
Be thankful that you have options even if you don’t always realise it.
Be thankful that sometimes people will tell you the truth even if you don’t want to hear it.
Be thankful that there are people around you, whether they’re family, friends, or colleagues, or a ‘special somebody’, that give a damn about you. Look up from your pain and remember them.
Be thankful for your health. If you’ve let it slide in the name of love, take care of it.
Be thankful for assclowns. They’re a blessing in disguise. They’re not teaching you that you’re unlovable – they’re teaching you that you need to love yourself.
Be thankful for the internet. You’ve got to discover Baggage Reclaim, that you’re not alone, that it’s not a ‘unique’, unheard of situation, and that you haven’t ‘done’ something to cause someone to be whoever they are.
Sometimes it’s good to remind ourselves of what we have to be thankful for, because it’s all too easy to focus on what we don’t have or what we think we won’t have if we let go of something or someone that causes us pain.
So I ask, what do you have to be thankful? It’s important to consider this because you’ll know if you feel that you have nothing to be thankful for that you’re limiting your own potential for happiness. Whatever you’re thankful for doesn’t invalidate any experiences that you’ve had or any unhappiness or frustration that you feel, but think of it as looking at things from a different perspective. If someone is the only source of your happiness, joy, and thankfulness, the trouble is that it’s too dependent on them. Being thankful for other things in your life gives it balance plus if your whole identity and happiness is based on one thing, there just isn’t room for anything else.
Your thoughts?
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I’m thankful that I’ve finally started to really love who I am, and that I’d never allow anyone to jeopardize my happiness or make me feel like I’m less-than ever again. I’m thankful for the collective wisdom I have found here, and the strength of you all who’ve shared your stories and helped me understand my own. I’m thankful that Natalie started the ball rolling by sharing her stories first, and she continues to do so even though she’s moved on to a truly loving relationship. Thank you Nat, for not getting bored with us! We need the constant reminders to re-wire our brains!
Since I was a very little girl, living with a narc mother, I used to go to Sunday School and we learnt a song called “Count your Blessings.” Throughout my life I have had the usual kind of shit thrown at me that we all have, and I have dug that song out and found it still applies, it still resonates and still I find peace and calm from it.
I am now 2 months NC from the ex narc. I am not quite able to say I am thankful for the experience as it nearly lost me my job, alienated my children, and took a huge toll on my physical, emotional and mental health. However, Natalie is correct in that we have to take what these relationshits teach us about OURSELVES and our own relationship habits, both romantic and non romantic.
I have learnt so much from this and have become so, well, gosh, I hate to say it, but erm, almost, you know, selfish, as a result. I say NO to people sometimes. Yes, really I do. Nice people whose demands are not untreasonable but their plans do not fit in with mine. So I say no and then I don’t fret/lose sleep/get exhausted and overwrought. If I am really honest I have learnt more from BR than I have from the ex narc, but of course he led me here, via googling “Why does he blow hot and cold” and so let’s give him a little bit of the credit. I know I can be happy living alone. I was so happily single without the ex narc. In a weird way, what he has taight me is the opposite of what many others seem to have learnt. I, who was mercilessly independent, even whilst married, have learnt that I can love, wholly, completely and joyfully. It didn’t work out for me this time and I am retreating to nurse my wounds, at least until springtime, but I am actually open to it now. I will be just as happy alone ( with my great mates and new career) but having that romance in my life was FUN! So, it didn’t work out? I will get over that. All of you will. Let’s hear it for Natalie and for 2013?
Mr emotionally unavailable with narcicisstic tendencies after sleeping with me and dissapearing..2 months later drives right past me like he doesn’t even know who I am…I choose not to run after him to get an understanding of why he hasn’t been around…I keep on walking..I’m grateful for the closed door
Two weeks ago I felt like my heart had been ripped out, stomped on and set on fire. I was literally on my knees, bawling in my kitchen.
From the bottom of my soul, in my mind I kept repeating, “thank you, thank you, THANK you for making me a stronger woman. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME A STRONGER WOMAN. Everything that hurts this bad only serves to make me STRONGER!” I sincerely felt gratitude and believed what I was saying.
And you know…I actually believe it. I honestly AM stronger for the experience. Boundaries that seemed impossible to maintain without vigilance or using anger suddenly feel…effortless.
This is a fantastic list. I’ve been lurking around and participating a bit over these last three years. Thank you and all those those interact here at baggage reclaim. I think I’ve finally started to make it to the other side of the issues that got me here in the first place. Will now be working on me, starting anew again. We must all pay attention to the signs the first time we see them, instead of trying to repair the damage later. I am finally over my assclown/ EU tendencies and will now fix me instead if them. I’m going to be my own Florence Nightingale!
“I’m going to be my own Florence Nightingale!”
Wasn’t she an amazing woman? Quoting Wikipedia: “Her social reforms include improving healthcare for all sections of British society; improving healthcare and advocating for better hunger relief in India; helping to abolish laws regulating prostitution that were overly harsh to women; and expanding the acceptable forms of female participation in the workforce.”
I think all of those are WAY more worthy life goals than sucking up to some AC/EUM. Of course, we can’t all become a “real Florence”, but still, if we free up all that energy invested in toxic guys, who knows how much WE could achieve in this world?
I am thankful that I decided to work on my own issues this past year, re-discovering my self-worth and value, standards and boundaries. It lead me to where I am today. I’m thankful that more than 2 months NC, my ex didn’t show up, after he showed me (actually, Me really seeing ‘him’, not what he claimed, or what I imagined him to be), what he was all about, probably for
the first time, even though I’ve witnessed that same display of behavior many times. This time, there was no denial. I knew, without a doubt, the behavior wasn’t my fault, and that I was dealing with a bonafide Assclown/con man.
Had I not put myself first this past year, and stopped being afraid to be alone (temporarily) and focusing on myself and what was really important to me, I wouldn’t have seen his behavior as ‘wrong’ or thinking ‘this is my
enough, I don’t want this’.
Thankful I grew… and became more emotionally mature, using more of my head than my ‘heart’. Putting that break up into perspective, and to actually be at the point where I am not seeking or waiting for validation from the ex loser. I could care less. I don’t care what or who he’s doing. Or if he elopes with the poor thing next week. He was never worth the amount of time or energy I sacrificed.
I am so thankful for BR and NML for creating this site. It’s been a God send… If it didn’t exist, I’d probably be crazy and crying with my face buried in a pint of B&Jerry’s!!! Or in a nut house!!!! I’m also thankful for all of the ladies on this site, giving their support and advice. 🙂
I can honestly say that because of everything I’ve gone through and learned, I am not scared to call the shots when dating and sticking to my standards. Not. At. All. In fact, I love it. It’s my life. And the guy I’m dating now, he’s eager to please, and I didn’t do anything other than be who I am, trust myself, and do what makes me feel comfortable. It’s becoming 2nd nature in every aspect of my life.
Practice making yourself happy first, and respect
yourself. I used to have the mindset that I’d never find anyone, I’m too old (37..I’m not!), I’m a single parent… Yada yada. Ohh the negative, self-sabotage things we tell ourselves.
Months ago, I never thought I would say,… I am so thankful it’s finally over. And that he’s moved on. I was in her place, and would never want to be in it again.
You are so right in this post! Natalie you have a
place to stay when you come to Canada….I love your
advice and this last one made me want to comment. I
have not been aware of your blog or You for more than a few weeks. At that point I was looking up men that live with their moms and loved that article. I
have walked away from a man ( 47 ) that has lived with his mom for eight years….the entire time I spent with him. His father died and he moved back.
Anyway ….enough is enough . Yes it took me awhile but I loved this hunk. He let me down more
than I can share on this forum but I thank you for
your wise advice…You have a gift. No worries ladies this life is a learning experience…be your own best friend and when one door closes…
Merry Christmas all.
You missed one, Nat. 🙂
– I’m thankful for Natalie Lue, Baggage Reclaim and the wonderful women/men who help each other on here. They deserve all the happiness in the world and good men/women in their lives.
I realize that after reading your past post that you’ve been through your share of trials, EUM and AC. It takes a very special person to take your pains and trials and help other with it. So from me to you, THANK YOU.
Happy holidays to you, your girls and hubby. Wishing happiness and health to you all in the New Year.
I am so thankful that I have come across this website. It has given me a better outlook in how to view my past, present and future relationships. The oly thing that concerns me is being taken seriously with the NC rule after being sucked back in after a failed attempt. This is a test that I am currently in and I will pass with flying colors because I deserves happiness after all is said and done. I am finally realizing to live my life on my terms.
Wow, in some small way I feel like Christmas came early! I only recently discovered your website and book that I’ve since purchased and have been busily devouring all the sage wisdom from both. It’s been exactly one month since I’ve seen my AC/EUM (roughly three weeks since we last communicated). Our relationship was an affair and while I knew one day it would end (it had to), I didn’t think it would be now. We were together for two years and there were so many signs that I chose to ignore to my peril. While it didn’t end ugly (no D-Day), it certainly didn’t end the way I would have liked it to. I think one of the reasons your list resonated with me so deeply Natalie, is because in this time of no contact I’ve not only let myself experience the sadness and grief that come along with the end of a relationship, but am also using my new found time to get constructively angry. By this I mean that I’ve been writing down all the ways he and this relationship disappointed me and using these things as a springboard to really think about and develop my boundaries and what I absolutely require in any relationship from here on out.I find your list a beautiful bookend to my own. Believe me when I tell you that this list will be printed and posted around my home in several prominent places. Each day I get a little bit stronger and wiser, and not a day goes by that I don’t tell myself that I want more and deserve far, far better. Thank you for this wonderful site and for giving us this forum to commiserate and support each other.
I, for one, am damn thankful I found this blog, Nat and all of you! I was looking for a post from some time ago to send to a friend who is entangled with an assclown and, lo and behold, one of my old comments was right there. There I was, putting it to the ladies whether or not this dude who had basically treated me like sh*t for a couple of (five) years just wasn’t “into it”. I made sure to highlight this for my friend and remind her that, when I asked her this same question, she looked at me like I was sprinkling crack on my grapefruit in place of Splenda. She’s loving this blog 🙂
I really do shudder to think what and (Lord help me) WHO I’d be doing if it wasn’t for the excellent advice I’ve gotten here. THANK YOU!! xoxo
Natasha:
I love your posts. You ALWAYS make me smile. Happy Hoildays. 🙂
I am thankful that I found all of you. I am grateful to Natalie Lue for her kindness to all.
I am grateful to you who have posted this past year to help me: Demke with your very poignant
insights! Grace, I can’t thank you enough for sharing, and runnergirl who cares so much for all of us. And to yoghurt, fearless,victorious, teachable,mymble, sushi, magnolia, tulipa, myskwa, learned,selkie, lo J, revolution, K,
Mswriter, option, sunshine, Lilly, Lilia, dancingqueen, tinkerbell Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having the GUTS to tell the world your stories. And to tired
who has suffered so and writes like a poet. And to those of you who may not post often thank you too, if you are still out there tired-of assaonova, and limerancenormore. I am now more interested in YOU than I am in him.
,
Aw Simple Pleasures…thanks. You are so right, I am more interested in BR and all of you and me, and our growth than I am in him. This is a wonderful, healthy, caring environment.
You are all very special. He isn’t.
Can you all move next door?
Awe! Such adorable cuteness! Simple Pleasures you are such a cutie pie! Happy Holidays and right back atcha!!!!
Simple Pleasures, what a beautiful post. I’m also grateful for you, Natalie and all the wonderful, amazing people on this site. Two of the most comforting words in the world are “me too”. When I found BR I knew I wasn’t alone. Reading about other people’s experiences and struggles gave me the strength to pick myself up and keep going. You have all helped me work through the loss of my son and for that I will always be truly grateful. The kindness, wisdom and advice given to me here has kept me going.
“Sometimes, the wrong choice brings us to the right place”. (((BR Ladies & Gents))).
Thanks SP. 2013 is going to be great!
Thanks Simple Pleasures! That is so considerate of you…
Have a big hug and all the best for the holidays!
Thanks sp! I’m honoured to be included amongst a list of so many who have helped me, too. If I start naming, I’m surely going to miss someone in the long, long list of folks who have supported me here (for two years!). Everyone who participates (even lurkingly) in the BR community helps make it what it is.
I’m also grateful that when Natalie was just starting out with this blog, getting like, 1 response! (check out some of her awesome posts from 2005, 2006) that she kept blogging. From a little acorn the great oak!
*gives simple pleasures a warm hug and squeezes her hand* Ditto, babe.
simple pleasures et al,
“me too” to all you have written here! I was taking a nice warm bath the other day, with scented candles, and thought “I really appreciate the simple pleasures in life these days” and, just as the thought came into my mind, I thought of you, and of BR. Thank you Natalie and all of you who read/post on BR for giving me so much to be thankful for! (excuse sentence structure) Love, Learner xo
This list is a good one… there are lots of things on here I can and should be thankful for. Its heartening to see the positive lesson come out of the negative circumstance. Thanks for this…
Well, I ran into my ex today at work finally and broke NC after 37 days. I guess it was bound to happen at some point since we work in the same place and neither of us can just hide out at our desks all day. I was going to someone’s office to fill them in on some business and she was in there with a few other people already. I actually turned and went to walk away quickly before she saw me lol sigh. I got about 5 steps then said to myself “wait a minute!! WTF are you doing??? She does not control what you can and can’t do!!!” So I walked back right into the room and said what I needed to say, and even looked directly at her and smiled and said hi. She smiled back and said hi too. I am not reading anything into this btw, she can be very amiable when she needs to be I already know this about her. She might have been annoyed, irritated I was there, nervous, mad, whatever – the fact is I don’t know so I’m not going to attempt to read into it.
I got back to my desk, stomach full of butterflies and breathing hard.. I really was a pathetic mess! So I picked up my phone – and I texted her. I wrote “Hey – Im off the rest of the week, I just want to wish you and the girls a very merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year if I dont run into you again before then. Thats all, take care of you.” She texted me back after awhile “Hi there – Merry Christmas to you and your family too. Hope all is well!”
I had one more thing that I wanted to say, and it seemed I was already breaking NC so I just did it to get it all out and clear the air so I could not have any regrets from this. At least thats how I justified it to myself. I wrote “Thanks Miss :). All is well, hope things are for you too. Just one more thing and Ill leave you alone… I owe you an apology for before – Im sorry, and you were right to feel violated and angry. I should not have even asked much less caused all that drama. I hope you can forgive me. I dont want to ever have us at odds like that, even though were not together anymore you are still so special to me and I will always care about you so much. Friends or not that will never change. Nice to see your smile again :)… keep in touch.”
So I apologized for when I confronted her about seeing someone else, and she wrote back “Thanks Bob. Its water under the bridge.” That was that. I didn’t keep it going and don’t intend too. I don’t feel bad, or antsy, or hurt, or angry.. its very wierd I feel lucid and very tired now. I still get a little pain when my mind pictures her spending all her time with someone else now – but it passes quickly and I know that its ridiculous to imagine shes not going to see anyone else ever after me.. thats life and her pattern. God did me a favor by exiting me from this situation before people got hurt even worse – maybe even those little girls who don’t deserve to be hurt at all by anyone. I hurt still… but right not I feel strangely ok with it, like I havent really felt in going on 3 months now. Maybe this was the real closure instead of the fake I will always love you and maybe we can try again closure or the blow up closure where I called her out on telling me one thing and doing another. Maybe this is the anticlimatic end where we are both civil, and its obvious she has moved on and is just being polite, but at the same time we can be respectful of eachother and not blow it all up or pump it up full of lies and empty proclamations and promises.. maybe its just the end. Maybe I can not be afraid to go to meetings and say hello anymore, and work on myself and moving on and stop dying on the inside over it all. She’s gone, she doesn’t hate me and doesn’t seme to be mad at me, but shes still gone. She wasn’t the one for me, there’s someone better. I picked my “usual” and the usual outcome happened… Lesson learned finally.
Back to NC… I dont even feel like I broke it honestly although I know technically I did. I have nothing else to say to her honestly, and I know she is gone and not coming back so I just need to work through the rest of the hurt and loss and get better and move on too. I would turn her on to BR if I could lol, because I think it would be so enlightening for her too… but then that would be breaking NC, and people have to want to learn on their own in order to make a change for the better. I am sure her time will come too. Its just not my concern anymore – she ended it so I can only concern myself with me now.
Thanks so much again to all of you and to Natalie.. yeah I am a guy and it seems 99% of the people on here are women, but this site and these posts are invaluable to anyone wanting a healthy relationship and dealing with misdirected hurt from a loss… we are all pretty much the same under it all I know this is true. There’s stuff here for everyone.
Bob,
I get you that you think of that as NC; as long as you can maintain the civility and your own sense of peace, it is.
Like someone said, NC is also possibly when you can sit in someone’s lap ( okay that was a stretch lol), ask them what they are reading and still be at peace and not get sucked in. It is not always freezing someone out totally. I am glad that you got to say your truth and as long as you don’t extend it, and you get back to what is important-you healing, so you can find, eventually, when you are ready, that awesome person who deserves you-then you will be fine, right? Right:) Happy Holidays! Great things await!
“Like someone said, NC is also possibly when you can sit in someone’s lap ( okay that was a stretch lol), ask them what they are reading and still be at peace and not get sucked in.”
Grizelda’s words! Another brilliant poster we got here!
Bob72,
If you have nothing else to say to her, and are letting go, then great!
Texting her that “you are still so special to me and I will always care about you so much” and “that will never change,” and sending apologies she doesn’t need (via text!) doesn’t quite suggest you’ve totally let go, but she seems to be responding politely.
It has only been 37 days, and now you can start again with NC –
What concerns me a little bit is that you say you “don’t even feel like you broke it, honestly,” when you did. Not in a way that needs to derail your healing, if it doesn’t happen again. But I do hope you’re not kidding yourself that sending texts like that is you taking care of yourself, and can do it again without “really” doing yourself any disservice.
But as I say, you sound confident – which is the most important thing. Take care of you, Bob72!
No I really can’t extend it and talk to her again… I know myself and I will end up hurting myself really badly because I will be looking for communication from her with the hope of having a relationship of some sort with her again… and it won’t be what I want and I will tear myself apart and probably end up doing something stupid or making myself look pathetic again in her eyes.
I dont feel I did that this time and it helps me alot. I was creeping out of my skin standing there in that office and I felt my voice wavering as I talked… but I smiled, laughed, spoke clearly, said hello to her and smiled at her too, and afterwards when I went back later and she wasnt there my co worker told me she couldnt even tell I was nervous and she was proud of how I held myself. That made me feel really good.
And the texts – yeah I should not have done that and I dont know what came over me, maybe a demand for some sort of validation because yes I know I am not over her. Maybe looking for some crumbs, who knows but its done and it didnt turn out too badly. I just got an overwhelming urge to reach out to her in a friendly way – not try to make her feel guilty or say a bunch of proclamations or beg her to come back. Just to show her I was ok maybe? Anyway, I got to get something that was bothering me off my chest because I really did act like a lovesick moron accusing her of seeing other guys, because I already knew she was, and it didnt even matter because we werent together and she was right, she didnt owe me anything even though she went to great lengths to deny it. I acted like an ass and made things much worse between us even though our relationship was dead already. She might very well still be pissed off, or annoyed with me, or wishing I would just leave her alone and go away, but at least I said my peace even if it was just a text. I think it would be disrespectful and wrong to call her or talk to her in person at this point, and she would probably take offense to it or not answer anyway because she is with someone else. Texting is easy and unobtrusive and I know from being with her she is surgically attached to her phone – I thought it was the most harmless and best way to say this, less pain for me and potentially her too. She replied, halfway cheerful and definitely civil, so I know she read what I wrote, and thats that. It doesnt open the door to anything else, and I need to shut my door again too. I dont think I will ever hear from her on her own, it really seems like she could care less about me and that does still hurt and I guess it will for awhile because of all we shared that is now dust, but at least she regarded me enough to be civil. We work at the same place anyway, we are bound to cross paths and its better for us both if we can without too hard of feelings for eachother. I want her to be ok and for her and her kids to be happy, and I want that for myself too. Im sure she is happy right now with her new relationship, but I hope she can figure out what makes her run things up so fast and heated then freak out and run. Maybe it was just me that wasnt a good fit for her, but I doubt it was as much me as something inside her.
It wont happen again, ever… I cant let it, I know I have a long road left to go and it will pull me down and hurt much to badly to open myself to rejection from her again.
((((bob72)))
bob- good for you for surving the encounter. not sure this will help at all, but…
i know you’re working on letting go, but try it the opposite way: don’t keep hanging on. refuse to hang on. i know people say this all the time, but she doesn’t deserve you. she’s not that great if that’s how she behaves. you need to love and fulfill yourself completely rather than allowing such a person (not that she’s evil, but being EU is VERY destructive to others, as you already know) to continue to disturb you, to invade your peace, your happiness. i know you feel a hole is still there – try to imagine it isn’t.
whatever her good qualities, which i am sure you are inflating, they are more than offset by her treatment of you.
so, take what you think of as your happy memories of her, douse them in metaphorical lighter fluid and set them alight. watch them burn. have a (symbolic) happy new year bonfire. in your heart, kiss the kids goodbye, they’re moving on. cry if you have to. but consider yourself free. FREE!!! free is good. free is wonderful, limitless!
then go find someone who can love you back the way you can love her. the way you must love yourself.
and the hell with her.
Hugs to all of you… You give me strength when I have little.
Back from therapist, now off to the gym then the bookstore to find something enlightening and good to read and help occupy my free time and mind. I know my biggest problem is my world is so small now since I filled it up almost entirely with her and her kids.. I need to make it big again, but in a safe and enlightening manner for me this time and not by throwing myself back into someone else or doing things that will hurt others just to give me my self confidence and ego back – online dating falls into this big time, as well as looking up old exes (FB girls) etc.. Im not going to self heal myself this way ever again, because it just keeps the pattern going and I need to break the chain once and for all.
I have to admit I am a little nervous about having so much time off work now until after New Years – but I accept the challenge and will try my best to find things to do that add to me or others and does not subtract. I am going to keep seeing my new girl-friend too, as we enjoy spending time with eachother and I think it is good for both of us… but Im done casting my line and “collecting” women just to occupy my mind and feel better about myself at their expense… how messed up is that?!?!? They deserve something better too than a damaged guy trying to get it back together.
Unfortunately, as Natalie has written here alot, I am thinking online dating sites are full of people (both men and women) just like me, and it makes it quite a dangerous proposition for damaged people with few boundaries. I see that now and agree with her totally. I could’ve gotten crushed again or crushed someone else so easily. That needs to stop now. I’ll take up reading for now, and then see what else I can add to that to make my life bigger in a safe way.
I might be on here alot too the next week or so… hope I don’t annoy you guys too much 🙂
Oh – yikes! – I missed this – you have a new girlfriend in amidst all of this?! I thought you were working on getting over the woman you’re still texting as of yesterday and on Being Happy On Your Own.
Now I’m shaking my head. Really, Bob, don’t kid yourself that you’re doing anything different; you’re using this new woman as an Emotional Airbag.
You say: “Im done casting my line and “collecting” women just to occupy my mind and feel better about myself at their expense… how messed up is that?!?!?” but “I am going to keep seeing my new girl-friend too, as we enjoy spending time with eachother and I think it is good for both of us…”
I don’t know … how messed up is it?
Sorry Magnolia.. I know it doesn’t look good and I see all the signs too because I have read those posts too about trying to stuff someone, anyone, in the hole to make it hurt less… and maybe this is that to an extent. And maybe I am justifying it in my head or rationalizing it so it doesnt seem so wrong to me, but I truly think we are eachother’s buffer at this point in both of our lives. We’ve shared everything about our individual issues – her divorce and crappy relationships, what I am going through now and my history, and we are “friends” and hang out and get to have a good time and feel able to share these things as well. Like we help eachother through it all. I didnt say she is my girlfriend – she is my girl-friend, a female friend at this point, and we’ve agreed thats what we are to eachother. I dont want to deceive or fool anyone ever again, and we are very open with eachother.
She told me she likes spending time with me, and its nice to be able to get out and have dinner, see a movie, talk to someone, etc, especially this time of year. If things change she will let me know she said, and I said the same. So I dont know how bad it really is. It actually gives me hope and lets me remember the “good things” in life that seem to have ended since my break up. It shows me that life goes on and these things still exist. It won’t become more until I can be ok and let my ex go entirely, and I am moving in that direction. It doesnt mean I have to let my new friend go, I have female friends I have had my whole life, even a few I had relations with. It means you have a connection to them on a deeper level and care about eachother, maybe not in a relationship sexual intimate way but still…
I see what you are saying though, and I can see how it can be a crutch or band aid, and not much different than what I have done before to heal myself in the past. The difference this time for me at least is I am not diving into someone else with both feet and all I have without even knowing the person well enough except they showed interest in me and I was attracted to them. I am taking a time out of sorts, and looking at what I do and why. I see her as a friend, and maybe a crutch, but no more of a crutch than my family or other friends – which we all need to get through times like these. And she happens to be more available to hang out and listen to me and me to her than most of my other friends and family, especially this time of year. I am glad we met, and neither one of us are jumping into anything. Maybe this is a piss poor defense lol, but how I feel at this time.
I’ve done so well leaving my ex alone so far, even with the contact a couple days ago – we were just dicussing that yesterday in therapy. I have had two or three very hard break ups in my life, and my reaction to them was less than honorable because of my rejection and abandonment issues that go back a long long way. I didnt do hardly any of that this time around… no incessant calling and texting, no begging (I called and asked once if we could try something different a month after we broke up, based on her saying maybe we can try again when we parted ways), no showing up at her house or desk or trying to catch her wherever I could, not bombing her with my feelings and emails and letters and carrying on (I did email her twice, asking her if she really meant what she said about wanting to try again, no reply though except saying she cant be in a relationship “right now” with anyone). I let her go behavior-wise, and didn’t compromise my dignity nearly to the extent I have in the past.
She did tell me once that she felt I was being a little stalker like, when I called her out on seeing other people while she had been telling me since we broke up that she cant be in a relationship and needed this time to herself (the small handful of times I contacted her during that period after we broke up but before I found out she was dating again), but that was it, and I wasn’t stalking her and she really knew that. I think I was in my bargaining phase, and I was caught in what she was saying and hanging on to that little shred of hope that in retrospect she probably just put out there to soften the blow I think. Again, I have to listen to the actions not the words anymore, people dont always say what they mean, especially people who fast forward or future fake. I was hurt and blind and got caught, and that was the only thing I am ambarrased about in all this. I wouldve walked away from that day we said goodbye if I didnt get hung up on the words, and not even done the few things I did to try to salvage our relationship. I am not too ashamed now because I wasnt that bad at all, but I couldve done even better. That was what the text apology was for as it turned out, because I did feel bad about even doing it… because I realized it didnt matter if she was seeing someone else or not because we werent together anymore, and I learned here that words are just words and its the actions you have to trust… I was wrong to say anything and accuse her regardless and I felt like I needed to say I was wrong to her. I know I shouldve just left it alone but I felt better putting it out there, for me. Like I wa taking control of myself and big enough to own my part. I wasnt looking for anything from her deep down, I know its over and shes not coming back, I just wanted to show I was ok and still standing I guess. And I can feel good about that even though it hurts the same.
So overall I have been much better about this break up on the surface, but like my therapist said yesterday learning from the past and changing the behavior is hard but I seem to have done that – changing the feelings underneath the behaviors is something much much harder. Thats what I am working on now. I have discussed this with my friend too and she understands this as well. She wont let me get too far off track – she is a social worker by trade and holds a masters in Pshycology and agrees with where I am trying to go and she knows too thats its easier to say something than do it. She has shared with me her things too and its a learning process for everyone whether they know the answers and issues or not.
I was cheated on once when I was really young in my very first relationship… and I begged her to come back and she finally did, and we spent the next 12 years together with nary an issue… until I told her I couldnt marry her and didnt want to have kids with her and we broke up. I begged her to take me back, cried on the phone every night, went by her house… she was so cold to me and somehow I finally “sold” myself to her through my pitiful insecurity and proclamations of love.. to someone who regarded me so little that she cheated on me and then just coldly said its over when I asked her what was going on. My therapist couldnt believe I did that – and that is the heart of my issues. I did it again years later in my next relationship, but I finally reached a point where I gave up, after humiliating myself almost just as much, and told myself I have to let it go for my own well being, and somehow found the strength to let her go, but I then found someone else really quickly, and married her. And I never did really let her go.. we stopped talking for for a long time and the next time she heard from me she was getting an invitation for my wedding lol. She was shocked, and later on she told me how hurt she was that I just dissappeared and left her and ended up marrying someone. We are still friends despite what happened, but not close just friends.
This is the next relationship.. and I havent sold my soul, tried to sell myself too much, and walked away before completely shredding my self esteem and dignity… I fought all the urges better than I ever have. And now I am fighting the urge to find a replacement before dealing with the stuff underneath that make it so hard for me to take rejection and feeling less than or abandoned by people who obviously arent worth the faith I put into them… and maybe I have found a replacement of sorts, but I feel different about it, and I am trying so hard not to make the same mistake twice in my life… and yeah I seem to make variations of the same mistake, mostly with the people I pick and how I pick them, but I like to think that I have improved a tiny bit in every situation and learned something that has helped me in the next one. Thats where I am at, its a long road. I learned more from here than I ever have before though, and hopefully I will be so much better because of it. My biggest fear with this last relationship is probably that I will never speak with her again, or we wont ever consider ourselves friends – after all I am friends with everyone I have ever had a relationship with more or less… but why am I so worried about that?? Because it validates that I was a good person is all.. that they saw the good in me and maybe are even sorry they lost me. Thats not right either.. maybe we will never be friends or talk again. That would really be the only way to show her what she lost anyway when it all comes down to it – if were friends she never really lost me did she…
Ok rambling big time now lol too too long sorry.. Ill end this for now.
Bob,
((Hugs)) I’m glad you are here on our site. And you are absolutely correct when you say that this information is applicable to both men AND women. You take care of yourself, as you sound like you’re already doing. Best and warmest wishes. 🙂
Oops, “our site.” Lol, sorry Nat. Correction: NAT’s site. 😉
Bob,
Ugh. I tend to be a straight shooter. I don’t like to fluff abuse survivors up because, from my perspective, it’s enabling and that is an unkind thing to do.
Having said that, with regards to your going back and talking to her: That may have been okay if not for two things, 1. She was abusive to you and 2. you were over her and were indifferent to her.
While I understand that you may have felt your motives were to provide closure or to believe that you were not going to allow her to have “control” over you emotionally, the reality that I see is that you were hoping for some sign that she was still interested or would somehow change and be “nicer” to you or provide closure. But since you are NOT over her, what you did was hurt yourself more and now you’re experiencing the “spins”, cognitive dissonance about her. This is what happens when we are in abusive relationships, get out and don’t give ourselves time to heal. Abuse is serious as are the consequences, always. You did break NC the second you walked back and attempted to speak with her.
The text: BIG no no. Again, your apologizing to her, whether you are aware of it or not, was an effort to rekindle the relationshit, to get a feel as to how she would respond and in a fantasy world, she’d have accepted your apology, run to your side of the office and like the movie “An Officer and a Gentlemen”, you would have picked her up and whisked her out of the office into happily ever after…
Her response was clearly an abusive one. “That’s what under the bridge, Bob”. And that IS your answer. Why did you need her to be proud of the way YOU responded to her? AAKKKK! You didn’t owe HER an apology, Bob, she owed YOU an apology, if anything and what you did with that text is let her know she STILL has power over you. Whatever self empowerment you are gaining, needs to continue without selling it out to your ex abuser.
No contact means, no contact, Bob. Even when healthy people break up, they take off time of several months to grieve and move past the relationship. Healthy people are also able to potentially, waaaaay into the future, become friends or see one another in a social and professional setting and behave cordially without all the fantasy, lack of closure issues.
But I would NEVER, EVER advocate having contact, EVER again with someone who is abusive, or who has treated you “less than”. Frankly, they aren’t WORTH your attention again in the future.
Her response indicates to me that she sees you as weak and sappy. She exploited your willingness to her hand her your vulnerability on a platter.
The obsessiveness with her, Bob, prevents YOU from healing yourself, it prevents you from taking a VERY HARD LOOK at why you’d want to hook up with someone like this, let alone talk to her again, in the first place.
Consider this a lesson learned and don’t speak to her again. Your SILENCE speaks LOUDER than any words you might say, and it also removes HER power over you. You left the door OPEN for her to abuse you more in the future.
Work on you, and on letting her GO COMPLETELY.
um…bob….sorry, i have to shoot straight, too.
re: what k said (well done, btw, k). i didn’t realize the ex had abused you. had i known, i would have given you advice closer to what k said.
if that is the case, then …
ok. you talk about not collecting women, not using them to boost your ego and fill your empty places any more. but then what are you doing with a new girlfriend? you’re not healed from the ex (as the text apology proves) and i’m not at all sure you’re really emotionally available. frankly, the last thing i expected to see in your post about building back your self-esteem and spending time with yourself, giving the impression that you’re going it alone, particularly after the whole ex-texting thing, was that you had a girlfriend. so, if you’re really no longer using women as crutches, then why do you have a girlfriend when you’re still in such a delicate emotional state??
nobody with a girlfriend should be ex-texting at all. that “closure” business is conducted between relationships or not at all. your focus should be on a healthy combination of you and the girlfriend. honestly, she seemed like an afterthought in your post. not good.
further – yes, NC is NC. you see the ex at work, are forced by circumstances into a cordial ‘hi’? fine. further than that? no.
sorry if this seems harsh.
Bob, So glad cc said what I was thinking… You may relate to a lot here but you seem to be blind to your own AC-like behavior. You have a girlfriend? Really?!! How does that square with being here on BR dissecting and analyzing your ex and your feelings and interactions with said ex? You say you don’t want to pursue women as place fillers but your new girlfriend would probably sure as hell feel like one if she read what you wrote here.
Honestly, you are being an AC and are obviously Emotionally Unavailable because you clearly are not over your ex.
It’s the crap many of us are here recovering from in a nutshell. Please sort your shit out before your “girlfriend” needs to be here, too. I was a clueless AC EU with heartaches, once, too. I feel for you but your selfishness (as mine once was) is mind boggling.
Bob,
There is the vague whiff of ‘just one last sweet hit’ about it. Please know that we are here tonight, tomorrow, across the holidays, and always, if you feel the Contact-Bomb Hangover start kicking in.
I guess you would have to poke around here in quite a few posts to get my whole story, but I do believe it is all on here in bits and pieces. I disagree that I was “abused” per say, at least not any more than anyone else on here that was fast forwarded and future faked. It was all the promises, proclamations, and plans that let me in a state of extreme emotional distress when it all came falling down.. and some things were said in the end that kept me hanging out for a possible second chance for far longer than I should have. I didn’t do this stuff, she did.. but I take responsibility for allowing it to happen and jumping all in without regard to my gut screaming at me that this was too good to be true. I broke alot of my boundaries that I have built up over the years to protect myself, I tried to play hero and savior when I saw her starting to pull away, and basically did not raise an alarm until I was getting such a cold shoulder and she withdrew 99% or her expressions of love to me. I held on to the words and clung to them, even when her actions told me she didn’t feel it anymore for me I would take that crumb of “i love you” or the flashes of caring and keep hanging onto the fantasy I thought I was promised in the beginning. I own all of that. Words are just words, even when we broke up I shouldve taken the fact that she said she couldnt do this anymore and not the words of maybe we can revisit this if she can get herself back to where she needs to be. Shes obviously back to where she feels she needs to be, shes seeing someone else already lol sigh.. it wasn’t her confidence or her emotional state, it was me she didnt want anymore and didn’t know how to break it clean. I will take the actions from now on and to hell with the words – they dont necessarily mean what we think they do – but the actions dont lie.
No she wasn’t abusive, actually she was pretty good about the whole thing and I do thank her for that. She could’ve dragged me through alot more mud and I wouldve still been there. She wasnt available to love, not in the way she described to me in the beginning anyway. Once the honeymoon was over and her fears and other issues kicked in she didn’t want what she thought she did, and I felt like I was lied to or did something wrong to lose the deal. That’s what happened, its only abuse as much as alot of other people had here, for alot longer than I had.
As far as the dating goes. When I first broke up I immediately joined an online dating site, and immediately started talking to old flames again – all the dead wrong things to do but the way I always got over these things up until now. Honestly, alot of you guys set me straight on this, and I realized that is part of the reason I keep going through this every few years. I can persevere and work very hard at a relationship, its my strength, and my weakness, and I can make pretty crappy ones last for awhile with the most unavailable people – but thats not whats best for me and I need to do things different so I am in the process. So I cancelled the dating site, stopped contacting potential “flings” and tried to go it alone for a change. I fell down a couple times and tried to give my ego a fix, mostly to keep from contacting my ex.. but I know now I cant do that anymore and have since stopped. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned it doesnt really work for anyone else reading who tries that route – its not the right way and really doesnt fix anything in the long term. It just patches up the hole so you can create a new one later on that will punch right through all the previous hole patches and hurt even more. I did meet someone I enjoy seeing though, and she enjoys my company too, and we talk alot about each of our individual issues, and we are friends. I talked about it in a few posts. Its not right and not the best way to recover because it is kind of a crutch, but we are both open and completely honest and made that promise to eachother. If things change we will have that discussion too. We have dinner, see movies, go shopping, hang out and have a few drinks, talk, laugh.. friends. No expectations beyond that and no jumping into anything blindly. Shes smart, and knows how I am lol. Thats that.
No hangover yet.. still painful thoughts popping in sometimes, mostly about her with someone else lol sigh… but all in all a good day. Kept myself occupied all day alone, and even got a good work out in. And thanks for all the comments, believe me I dont take them as harsh at all – I learn and try to take the lesson from every single comment, whether its negative or positive towards me. I know I am not all knowing about this stuff at all, and everything helps me. I take criticsm very well, because I know I am not perfect by far and have done crappy things myself to others. I just want to be better because of all this, and improve the way I handle things, and life in general. I thank all of you for helping me get there – by whatever means necessary lol
Thanks,
Bob,
In the posts you have written, in keeping up with your story, yea, it was abusive. Those who future fake and fast forward have an agenda and it’s not all about you. They know exactly what they’re doing.
You said that you weren’t abused anymore than anyone else here. YIKES! That’s scary, because there are some VERY abusive behaviors out of some very abusive AC’s and EUM”s. I don’t excuse abusive behavior out of anyone, and nor should you.
I read you have a girlfriend? Oh my…I need to ponder this because it looks like a lot of overlapping!
Another relationshit is not going to fix the reality that you’re still hung up on the ex and it’s VERY unfair to the new girl, signaling to me, AC behavior!
It doesn’t mean you’re AC. But it does mean you have some more work to do. There is a lot of obsessing over this woman, and I see something that stands out like a sore thumb, Bob. You seem to derive your self esteem from women. ALL of it.
When will you turn the focus solely onto you without your dependence being an issue, re: stay out of relationshits altogether and work on you!
@ Bob, I thought I was NC with him,
even though I was in his physical presence. The first 6 months I thought to myself, I think I am in the acceptance stage of grief,
I think I’m 90% over him. Come to realize I had been in the “denial”
and “bargaining” stage of grief all those months. Hadn’t even made it to anger or depression yet. I found NC in reality was decreased contact. Or “weaning myself away” from contact. Because of circumstances I can’t go cold turkey never to lay eyes on him again. So my NC has to be Plan “B”. How to cope with expected interaction on some level for the foreseeable future.
I spent a lot of mental/emotional energy thinking about his proximity and avoiding his presence, and what to say if approached. I finally thought, I may see him every Mon. for the next ten years, I have to come to peace. I hadn’t had a short chat with him since May, just one syllable or one sentence responses. After posting here about sitting on his lap and asking if he’s read any good books lately, I said I’m spending so much psychological energy trying to maintain NC in a
situation where I see him, and he speaks to me that I decided to chit chat again. I went over and said, “We haven’t had a conversation in a long time. What are you reading lately?” He told me, and then we sat there without anything else to say. I thought, “wow, this is boring, what did I see in you?” and he eventually walked away. I thought I like my behaviour. I like the way I treat other people. I don’t like his behaviour. I don’t like the way he treats other people, including me. From recent months of feeling sorrow, I all of a sudden felt relief. I FELT why would I want to engage in him anymore? Up until now NC has taken all my strength. I think now it won’t be hard at all. They are not that special. Be proud of YOUR behaviour and the way you treat people. I expect on Mondays I’ll see him and think, there is someone from my past I was very fond of, but he didn’t treat me very well. I moved on.
Simple Pleasures. Congrats to you .. You are so right when u said “they are just not that special.” Sometimes NC is exhausting as you said when the thoughts of them are continuous & fighting back the urge to contact but in the end its worth all of your time & energy. I,like you, feel I have finally moved on, let go, and its a feeling of relief. It hasnt been easy but I trusted in the process and it worked. For that I am thankful. This blog was a godsend to me. It gave me hope,inspiration,strengh and encouragement in some really dark days of my life. Happy Holidays to all of you !!
I am thankfull for the knowledge to turn my life around, you have been my rock, Natalie, and thank you to everyone posting, you are truly amazing people. Wishing you all a happy, peacefull Christmas and a wonderfull New Year. The only way is up! xxx
Hallelujah to this post, to Natalie and to all the readers and contributors of BaggageReclaim ….
I believe I have finally completely healed thanks to Natalie’s sage advice and wisdom. I could not have done it without this website. Post 25 year all wrong marriage my first relationship was with an utter AC who blew hot and cold…I typed that into google and that is how I ended up here. Turns out that was what my ex-husband had done all along too. Then I tried to look beyond the superficial and was gradually coaxed into a relationship with a future-faker who declared undying love on day one. My red flags flew. Once he had bagged me he never said it again, nothing blossomed, and all the euphemisms for his feelings for me were laughable. After him, I laid low and tried to heal properly. I read every blog on this site, I felt happy, confident and had / have a fantastic social life, and wonderful friends.Then I made the worst mistake of all. I did not live up to my values. For the first time in my life I met a dazzling prat of a man and enjoyed the full on seduction and slept with him on the first date. He cried when I called it off the next day, so I believed him and continued the affair. Two weeks of copious compliments and lust fizzled away as fast as he had come on. I refused his insistence on a late night tryst, he got angry,and I did not argue when he suddenly called everything off. In refsuing a late night shag I had instead opened the door to the wonderful relationship that followed, that developed slowly, and for the firsttime in my life I am being treated better than I have ever been before. Mutual feelings, fun times, comfortable, utter respect,gentle growth of the relationship, a kind and caring man, and 3 months on, not a red flag in sight. It is still early days. But now I know what a proper relationship feels like there is no going back and I will bale the minute anything is less than, no matter who I am with.I have great hope, I carry no baggage, and I feel full of love and thanks for such good friends and such a wonderful bf.Merry Christmas and good luck to ya’ll.
So happy to read this Ann! I especially love that you can appreciate and enjoy your new r/s knowing that you’ll be fine come what may. Cheers to you!
Right now I am grateful for my warm fire as the wind howls outside and that the days will start to get longer soon. The past year and a half trying to get over being horribly humiliated by and trying to stay NC with a colleague have been sheer hell. I lost the one person here I felt I could relate to and (may or may not be related to this experience, my love of teaching ) though I still give 150% on the job. I may be looking at 7 plus years of having to either be alone here or face dire financial consequences by going elsewhere. My choices do seem to kinda suck right now. However, it could be worse. Was thinking about the woman AC was involved with at the same time he was pursuing me, was on line looking and whatever else. He has overlapped with another woman rather quickly as woman #1was here thruout most of the summer (can’t hide much in a small town ). How must it feel to be her? Never knowing what he is up to and with whom, probably for many years. Two years of dealing with him has turned me, generally a very strong, savvy, kick a$$ chick into a sad, lonely, rejected wreck. How must she feel? Yep, thank you a$$hole for showing me who you are. Now please go away for ever, eh?
I am Thankful for finding you Natalie Lue!!! When You express yourself, it is exactly what I am feeling, thinking and going thru!!! God Bless You!! You are helping me so much! You are amazing!!
What a wonderful list of things to be thankful for Natalie. I am grateful for everysinglething you articulate. Today is the two-year mark of my self-discovery through the big break and googling “Why do Men Cheat” which landed me on BR. It’s my 2 year BR Anniversary! Cheers. I am in such a different place than where I was two years ago.
Thus, I have to honestly say, I am most grateful for you Natalie, and the truly brilliant, amazing, loving folks who post here. So yes, I’m thankful for the internet and I’m thankful you continue to share your brilliance with the world.
I am grateful I listened to you and everyone who helped me through that darkness, even though I resisted and made more mistakes. I’m still listening.
I am grateful I am learning to watch.
I am grateful you never give up on us even though I have had to learn the hard way.
I am grateful for you.
Through your patience, wisdom, and insight, I have listened, watched, learned, and grown.
Love those verbs!
I am listening, watching, learning, and growing.
runnergirl,
Happy 2 year anniversary! xo
Thank you Natalie and to all the Baggage Reclaim people who post. This site has been a lifesaver since I discovered it 18 months ago.
This holiday season doesn’t feel particularly merry. I am struggling financially after losing my full time job to Hurricane Sandy. I do have a part time job, but it doesn’t cover me completely and is seasonal. The season ends this week.
My perpetually ill mother landed herself in the hospital a couple weeks ago where emergency brain surgery was carried out to save her life. She had a blood clot on the brain. It doesn’t make it easier that she lives on the other side of the country. Even if I wanted to visit her, I can’t afford it at the moment.
I live in nyc. The friends I do have only seem to want to during parties or events, and my part time job makes it nearly impossible as I usually work nights/weekends.
I grew up knowing constant financial and health struggles with my mother. I’m trying to break the cycle and I refuse to have children unless I am in a stable place financially and mentally. Time is ticking. I’m 27 and not anywhere close to that place. I work so hard, but am just spinning my wheels, as I’m not in the field I want to be in.
I get so jealous when I see my friends jumping in and out of relationships with ease. I know the grass is always greener…I’m perpetually single, gorgeous, great body, fairly intelligent. I meet a lot of guys but rarely like any of them. The ones I do like are EUM. I am proud of myself for flushing the last 2 quickly. I chose not to take my usual “let’s see where things go” approach and bounced them lightning fast once they made it clear they wanted casual.
My friends say I’m too picky. I’m like “What???”
Stay on the track you’re on….
It isn’t about you being beautiful on the inside, that’s just surface dirt, it’s about what you’ve shared here in who you are. I understand the admiration of friends who can jump in and out of relationships, but that’s precisely the point, they are JUMPING IN AND OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS!! AAAKKK! You’re not like that. And it is NOT greener on the other side of the fence. They are all running from themselves, in going from relationship to relationship, you’re taking your time and guess what? When someone does show up in your life that WORTHY of you, YOU will be the one who is happy in a STABLE relationship, while they’re all still running…
Very wise for your age. 27 is just a baby!! You have a long time before you have to really begin to worry about your biological clock, honey. Take your time get through this rough patch…and keep your eye on the ball, which is YOU. I think it’s awesome that you’re hanging onto your values, morals and that you have boundaries and were able to flush right away. Most DON’T
You ARE too picky and that’s GOOD! Better to be picky and wait, while they all want to rush, and find someone who is worth the time and trouble. I promise it will pay off. Time is a problem for a lot of folks. No one likes to wait and be patient, or to flush because their might not be another one, blah blah blah..but it’s simply not true.
You’re doing GREAT!
Oops, I meant to say it’s not about being beautiful on the OUTSIDE, it’s what’s on the INSIDE that counts!
I should also mention the ex AC works with me at the part time job. We broke up over a year ago, and I went NC. Occasionally we are put on projects together and forced to speak. Last week, I finally let him back into my life. I’ve been feeling particularly lonely and started speaking to him again. He makes me laugh and lightens my mood. Of course, he is the hottest of messes (41, lives with mom, teenage daughter, etc.) and will probably never have a stable, committed relationship to save his life.
So we are on speaking terms kind of. Nothing’s really changed with him. At least I know what I’m getting. I expect him to act out and understand why thanks to this site. He loves me as much as he can, which isn’t saying much. Once he starts making me cry more than laugh, he will be bounced again.
I feel the only way to get away from him is to quit my job.
Working with your ex is the worst. I truly believe that it makes NC 50% of what it could be.
I just turned 31 – I’ve lived in NYC. I’m not dogging the city or making excuses but the city is notoriously rife with future fakers, insecure, and people that quite frankly are overwhelmed with options. When you don’t know who you are and what you want and you are offered with a option pile of 3 million ever changing people… where anything pretty much goes… it can create some hairy situations. Hang in there!
i am thankful for this post. having had a few difficult days where i actually felt angry and bitter, this one came as an early x-mas present.
i am thankful for having integrity and feeling completely bewildered by the bait and switch the ex EUM pulled on me. it never occurred to me that someone could even do something like that. thankfully, i couldn’t.
i am thankful for finding the BR site. it has given me more comfort, solace and strength than anything else. because of BR, i went NC and it’s helped tremendously in the healing process. because of BR, i have also trashed my rose coloured glasses and upgraded my red flag/AC/EUM detector.
i am thankful to the ex EUM for giving me the chance to commit to someone. i now know i am capable of doing so.
Amen Sister, Amen.
BTW, I replied back to your post on “Revisited: Is it love? Or is it fear, drama, and pain?”
Happy Holidays and stay strong. The New Year will be fantastic.
thank you, confused. we’ll get there. the feeling of being replaced is so awful but we can’t internalize this. it’s about them not about us.
i read somewhere that rejection is god’s way of saying you’re going the wrong way.
happy holidays to you, too. you stay strong as well. i’m right there beside you. and of course, a happy AC/EUM free 2013! ((hugs))
You’re right.. the feeling of being swapped out so easily is awful, and its the biggest part of what I struggle with too – where the hell did all that “love” go so quickly??? I get it…
I do know for a fact though that it is God’s way of saying you weren’t on the right road – and if you really really think about the whole picture, strip away all the fantasies and promises that never came true (like I tend to cling to) you’ll know you are so much better off. Your heart will catch up too.
You’re doing so much better Natashya, keep going 🙂
hey bob, i had a few hard days, but today, for the first time since summer, i actually truly started to feel excited about the future again.
i still feel sadness when i think about the failed relationship and i still shed tears on almost a daily basis, but it’s now more of a dull pain than an agonizing stab to the heart. almost 4 weeks NC now — it’s doing its job 🙂
I still get the wince of pain when I picture her totally into her next victim now, and the fact that I dont even cross her mind… painful, but I can quickly let it go or occupy my mind elsewhere (constructively most of the time lol). Its getting better.
Yaay for you with the NC, thats awesome!! I actually ran into my ex last week and then followed it up with a couple texts so the NC has started over – but I don’t feel like it has and I am definitely not back to square one with it.. if anything I felt like I proved to myself that she is not able to change who I am and that I can still stand after everything – not just running away from her at work or scared to even see her or say hello if warranted. It made me feel good, whatever my underlying reasons were. And I won’t contact her again purposefully, but also won’t avoid seeing her around if we end up in the same place at the same time. Its funny, I haven’t seen her in so long I forgot she wasn’t all that lol… and I forgot what her voice sounds like, and how she carries herself. I saw her through a new set of eyes last week, and I wasn’t unduly impressed. I still miss her duh, and would probably still take her back in a heartbeat if she came running with even a half assed excuse lol… but I don’t think that will last much longer either. I feel like I’m almost there.
Praying you get there too.. he doesn’t deserve your tears.
Bob,
UGH!!! Again…I’m a straight shooter…
You seem like a NICE guy, BUT there are some major red flags flapping in the wind here and I CRINGE when i read your posts!
You have a semi truck load of DENIAL about yourself, your motives and TONS of justifications for doing what you’re doing, from everything about running back and talking to the ex, to texting her, to having a new girl (friend or otherwise).
ALMOST THERE would be recognizing and seeing things that you’re doing for EXACTLY what they are.
There are a lot of underlying reasons for your behavior. We may not AC’s, Bob, but our BEHAVIOR can sure look that way when we are not dealing HONESTLY with our motives, intentions or DENIAL.
Maybe you’re not ready to address the things that open up pandora’s box and pandora’s box, but I SEE it and I hope that someday soon you’ll be ready to deal with it because whether you recognize it or not the following is what I see as truth to what you’ve shared here:
1. Contact, in any form is a NO-NO. If you work with her, walking right past her would have been the best thing to do, because really, you didn’t empower yourself, Bob, you empowered HER. So she knows that if she gets bored, or tires of her current FF relationshit, she can mess with your head.
2. Having a new gf, being sexually active is a BIG NO-NO right now. You have soooo many issues underlying that need to be dealt with and FELT on a very deep level of healing so you don’t CONTINUE with the behaviors. When you’re serious about getting straight WITH YOU, you may have a “desire” to be with someone, but you will KNOW that it’s absolutely NOT a good idea right now until YOU get straight. Don’t assume this girl “understands” where you’re coming from (ESPECIALLY if you’re having sex), because if you’re not in a healthy place, chances are SHE is not EITHER. It’s easy to misinterpret how someone else is feeling, and what their intentions are, especially when we are MESSED UP. In truth, I think this is VERY unfair to her, as well as yourself, Bob.
I know lots of men who have trouble being “alone” in a real sense, like women do, but it’s NECESSARY to get yourself STRAIGHT and you can’t when you’re overlapping, denying, justifying, etc. It just can’t happen.
I’m saying this because I CARE. I’ve seen the WORST of abusers, men AND women, and the emotional carnage they leave behind. If I haven’t done it myself, Bob, I’ve seen it in other survivors who refuse to look at themselves wholeheartedly, genuinely and honestly.
Survivors of toxic relationshits, are some of the most CREATIVE souls I’ve ever met. I want to encourage you to use your enormous CREATIVITY in avoiding yourself, and use it to HELP yourself.
**BIG BIG HUGS**
i am thankful for this post, for your blog and for you, natalie…you have helped me more than you’ll ever know. thank you so very much, from the bottom of my heart and the hearts of all people who have read your words and started to put the pieces of their hearts back together because of these words. you are truly an inspiration.
I am thankful for reading this the second time.
The first time I read it, when it first came out, I got it intellectually but not in my heart; I was so angry and impatient with myself for understanding the wisdom inherent in it yet not feeling very “lucky” about it all. I was still hurt and even still angry at the loser who brought me here. Now reading it a second time it is so obvious how far I have come; I am so happy that I will never see him again, I don’t miss him, I only think about him in reference to my own growth and happiness and this website and I totally feel like I will meet someone special who shares my values.I am honestly glad I met him because I learned so much about bad people and good people ( and what a decent person I am) through that really bad experience.
I am so thankful for this site and all the wisdom and support.
On a side note, I finished my thesis! This is the first time in over 2 years that I have not had a large project of some sort taking over my holiday. Now I have just my oral exam, and my public presentation next semester and my Masters will finally be done!!!!
Dancing queen – congratulations from one of your fans down-under!
Well done DQ. Time to kick back and enjoy.x
Congrats dancingqueen! Enjoy your sense of completion and freedom over the holiday! No one can ever take away this kind of achievement!
*happy dance for dancing queen*
Two happy dances for Dancing Queen and Magnolia. Congratulations ladies. High fives all around.
DQ…You just got a GREAT holiday gift!!!! Woo hoo! Congratulations!!!
Hey all thanks so much! I hope that you all get the thanks, even though Nat has posted a new article.You have all been such an amazing group of support and tough and tender talk throughout these last few years.
It *is* an amazing feeling to finish that nightmare of a paper; I gotta say, 103 pages later, that I never worked so hard on something academically in my life, and in some ways it really does mirror the work we do here on ourselves; you just keep pushing and pushing even when you are really sick of it! I don’t know how people who are Phd’s do it; if the thesis did this to me, a dissertation would kill me lol.
I also NEVER want to read anything about hammams, sentos, onsens ( the subject of my thesis) and French sociological and literary theory, again.I am NC with the shared bath from hereon out:)
Happy Holidays!!!!
dancingqueen,
Congratulations on finishing your Masters thesis! I remember having similar thoughts to yours after finishing mine. Happy Holidays to you, too!
Magnolia: best of wishes for your final stretch of becoming Dr Mags!
How did I miss this?
this is awesome, Dancing!!!
What a beautiful post! Thanks for sharing, you’re inspiring!
I’m thankful that he didn’t try to come back (he did once, but once was one too many tries ;)) because the sight of an old man grovelling is not a pretty one at all. And it saved me from all the melodrama.
I’m really, really thankful that Nat started this site. It has been a huge help on my road to recovery and has given me the opportunity to meet all kinds of fantabulous people. Survivors all.
Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙂
I’m grateful for all the lessons I’ve learned here at BR and for my opportunities to grow this past year. In 2012 I will have finished a PhD, and gotten my first teaching job, and moved out of a roommate situation that I see now was somewhat toxic.
I have been feeling my feelings and stating my boundaries, and learned, after finally feeling a deep anger at my mom that I didn’t know I had, understood what my wonderful folks can’t give and that understanding has given me a lot of peace.
I even had an amazing moment a week or so ago, where my mother did something where her politeness and inability to confront (she was an excellent don’t feel your feelings role model) meant she was going to privilege a stranger salesman’s pushy wants over our time together, and I got pissed. “I’m so pissed off at you right now,” I was able to say, in the moment, and not try to “understand” that she (meaning we) were “just going to have to be nice.”
“I can’t just say no,” she said, as if she had no choice.
“Yes, you can,” I told her.
Something in her took it in, she got a different look on her face, and went and told the salesperson it wasn’t a good time, and they left. She came back and we were able to spend our time together. She hugged me and said, “Thank you for empowering me to tell them no!”
I was so surprised that me actually speaking how I felt led my mom to feel she could do the same!
That’s BR in action – spreading out to even non-readers!
I’m grateful!!
*cheers for dr. magnolia*
Magnolia…That.Is.So. Totally. Cool!!!
I am so happy for BOTH you and your Mom!
Hope you guys have a wonderful holiday. 😀
See my happy dance above for you Mags. Congratulations.
Congratulations, Magnolia! There’s the beauty of it, BR is at least as much a life changer as a new degree. I actually found BR about the same time I started a master’s program. I have graduated since, but this blog is continuing education for me!
I revisit old posts as they apply to new turns of events. I am grateful to come back here for ‘reference’. I am grateful lately especially because I’ve reestablished contact with someone I dated (no AC issues, just garden variety EU) after over 6 months of NC. Are we friends? Am I ready to be friends? Some of Natalie’s posts have excellent guidelines, very useful rules of thumb. (READ: who was I kidding.)
AAAAGGGHHH Cavewoman. Be vigilant and feed back to us how it goes with the friendship. Hope you have your best oven gloves on if you are putting your hand back in the fire over Christmas. Hugs.
Well, this is not a ‘just in time for Christmas’ thing. There are no Christmas plans. I’m pretty sure I know better than to take any silly business from him. They way it happened is I have a new job and now work with a bunch of people he’s good friends with. He heard about my getting hired and a couple weeks later invited me to a party with these folks, and I quite liked the idea of socializing with them. So I went. He gave me a ride home and said he really meant it back then, when he asked to stay friends. The way I see it, if I want to see my colleagues socially, I will keep running into him anyway. If he is respectful and I don’t start daydreaming nonsense, why not.
When he said he still likes me for the second time, and something like ‘we can start by being friends’ I had a sense that wasn’t quite right. Start what?! I asked. I cut him right off when he started out with ‘I still think fondly of that first time we had sex’ and made it clear there will be no such talk. I don’t think he’ll make repeat attempts. When I stopped talking to him, he respected it and we were not in touch for six months. I sent a brief hello by text when faced with the fact that he is best buddies with my future work mate. If he doesn’t behave, I can always cut him off again.
Yes, the attraction may be a problem. Or not. I do not want to end up as fodder for any gossip at work. He would not be worth it. No sex would ever be worth it. I know I have to be clear about my boundaries. But it is equally his responsibility not to tempt me. How about a three strikes policy? or is that too lenient? I think he got strike one that night after the party, even mentioning sex in any context.
If you, dear BR readers could be my reality check, that would be great. A great real-life friend also assured me that she would talk sense into me if I were tempted to do anything unwholesome. Why bother at all? He’s a guy who has interesting things to say and he obviously keeps good company!
Hi Cavewoman,
Good to hear from you again and congratulations on your new job. It seems like many BR folks are moving on and have a lot to be grateful for.
Keep moving on Cavewoman. Even though you have to see the exEU, it doesn’t mean you have to be “friends”. You could be colleagues and somebody you used to know.
Reality check: First, he brought up sex out of the starting gate. Natalie’s comment “Life serves us lessons to teach us about where we need to adapt our thinking and behaviour – they keep coming back like Michael Myers in Halloween..” came immediately to mind. He may have interesting things to say, however will he be interested in saying those things if you keep your knickers on?
Second, your comment “But it is equally his responsibility not to tempt me”. Tempt you? His responsibility? Um, I’m confused.
Third, your real-life friend has also assured you that she will be there to talk sense if you are “tempted”…there’s that verb again.
I’ll lend you my new oven mitts!
PS. Dang, sorry about ending sentences with a preposition.
Hi Runner!! It is nice to be back. Okay. The tempting. Thanks for the insight! Here’s the deal: like him, as he tried to tell me but I cut him off, I also ‘think fondly’ of when we had sex. I have been happily celibate until now… But that’s easy when I don’t mingle much with single men.
(What I meant by his responsibility is that I expect not to have to set him straight repeatedly. I did NOT mean that it would be his fault for tempting me if I ended up in his bed!! Goodness, NO.)
You’re so right though about the larger point. Engaging in ambiguities like this, I am flirting with trouble, even if I am not technically flirting with him. I do have a rather titillating fantasy scenario that I occasionally play out in my head. Snapping out of that.
Reality check very, very well taken, Runnergirl. My mind is not quite right if I am so preoccupied with sexual tension.
How about this. He is not a coworker, but best buddies even with my new boss… I will proceed the same way I would with a colleague where I sense some mutual attraction. Those situations are usually fleeting – I lose interest (=not tempting) for common sense reasons, I remain professional and get over it quick. I have never had any entanglements with people I work with, and I do believe that is wise.
I will keep you all up to date.
Why is it his responsibility not to tempt you?
You are so silly!
You’re right about boundaries. Yours, that is. If it’s a temptation FOR YOU, HE is not responsible for that. The line he used is sooooo typical for AC’s. I wonder if they read the same lines out of the same playbook and it many times it’s about sex. LOL! That was too funny! “I still think fondly of that first time we had sex” LOLOLOL! I have NO idea why AC’s use this line so often or what the motive is behind it, other than that they KNOW it bonds her to him, but it’s a NAUSEATING, as well as DISRESPECTFUL line for soooo many reasons.
If you don’t have to work with this guy directly, it may be best to just IGNORE him. I see stuff happening here if your line of thinking is that HE is responsible for not tempting you, whether you realize it or not, that opens a door for you to justify his re-entrance.
He’s an assclown. I hope you stay away from him. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, why screw it up with an assclown? Why spend ANY time with someone such as this. He’s using the “friend” card to get a green light to get down your pants.
Sorry, but you’re worth MORE. MUCH MORE.
cavewoman
I have an ex boss who has tiptoed along the line a couple of times but I have maintained the acquaintance because I don’t fancy him and we both have new partners that we are happy with. I never had sex with him either.
It’s your call but you are not obliged to socialise with colleagues, or friends of colleagues, or take lifts with them or listen to them talk about sex.
The problem isn’t so much him. this is all pretty low-key stuff, everyday male-female interaction, not particularly desirable but nothing to panic about. it’s how firm you are within yourself that matters.
If I only spoke to people who were perfect I wouldn’t be talking to anyone. That said, you have every right to decide who you are friends with and don’t need to justify it to anyone.
cavewoman
sorry, let me add something. You also have every right to decide who you WON’T be friends with. they don’t have to be an outright AC for you to decide it’s just not worth it. You do’t have to explain anything to him, except maybe “I’m afraid I just don’t have time for this”.
Grace and K,
thanks for your reply. I do actually like his friends…
I do not need him.
Nah, I do not need this shit, the more I think about it… I honestly imagined friends-friends, but this is not where it’s headed, not even in my head.
I asked him to let me know if this ‘in crowd’ was doing anything for New Year’s, but before anything was finalized I made different plans, with regular, really friends-only-friends, already-old-friends, and you know what? I am relieved. I can celebrate without having to wonder what he’s up to.
Today he posted a Christmas greeting on my fb wall (yes I re-friended him but within a week or so I marked him an acquaintance which made me feel, again, more peace of mind) in which greeting he wishes me blessings ‘in our year ahead’. *Our* year? Please. I ignored and I can see how reacting to it would just encourage more the same subtly suggestive nonsense, or more of me wondering if he is being subtly suggestive (same difference). Bleh. My peace of mind is not worth it.
Peace to you, real friendship, and happy holidays!
Hey Cavewoman,
He’s back. Be very careful.
His talk about sex and his use of pronouns are a dead give-away to me and not the least bit “subtly suggestive”.
Hope you have a nice New Year celebration, without him.
I’m on to him, Runner.
Happy New Year to you, too!
Congratulations on your Phd. That sounded like a positive interaction with your Mom for both of you. Keep spreading the BR word….Pay it Forward!
Wonderful! BR learnings aren’t just for Christmas.
OMG Magnolia what a fantastic story. You taught your mom, who was charged with teaching you once, how to be assertive! What a role reversal! And she thanked you for it! Plus you got your teaching job and rocked your research:) to round it all out.
Ladies we are all getting so much done here. We all need to take stock of it! I love the end of the year; it is such a time for taking stock. It is the best time for taking in what was done, what still needs to be done, and being kind to yourself.
Wrap yourselves in blankets ladies, get out the good music, have something tasty in a glass ( crawl in your genie bottle perhaps for some *ahem*;) )and take stock of all the greatness that this last year has wrought; even if it is the sadness of leaving a bad situation; leaving and being NC is a worthy endeavor; it is a GIFT to yourself for the holidays.Don’t fear it, don’t shun it and grit your teeth; wrap your pain in a lovely box, nestle it in some tissue, wrap it in paper and bind it with a ribbon and write a card to yourself and give it to yourself. It is not pain only, it is a nugget of self-knowledge and empowerment, like a hot coal, that hurts now, but later, after you walked on it, you will look back and be so proud of yourself for having stuck through it, for having kept at it, and for having grown from it. That sadness and pain also holds self-knowledge and growth. It really is a gift, of you,to you, don’t hate or fear being alone, with yourself. You are your best company, your best freind, your most precious person. Really. Embrace that and own it and don’t fear it but extend that love to yourself. It is a gift. From there you can give to others, once you really sink into yourself:)
DancingQueen:
That is a beautiful sentiment! Thank you.
I am wrapping myself in a blanket, crawling into my genie bottle and reflecting. I hope you have a wonderful holiday!!!
😀
I’m sure everyone that’s would up on this site is grateful for its existence! Seriously, Nat, you nail it every time!
As for gratitude, I’ve found it correlates with abundance thinking; you cannot be stuck in a scarcity mindset if you’re accepting and grateful for what you have.
Can I do something today Ive practised SO much in life but is STILL not easy for me? The proverbial is REALLY hitting it here & I need to humble myself & ask (phew, this is hard), can you guys help me be thankful today? I’m not very much. There’s reasons. Very, very, big, reasons & I’m scared. More scared than I have ever been in my whole life. I dont believe in god so praying’s not really my thing ya know, but today, I’m just little tiny Teach, not thankful, not grateful, just scared & so I need ppl to help me be brave. I know you wont let me guys. Sorry I’m not my normal self. This is very unlike me. I’m trying think of SOMETHING, ANYTHING to be grateful for before I sign off. Ok. 1. I’m sleeping in a warm bed with a roof over my head TONIGHT (there is a negative comment entering my head after this but Im blocking it out. The point is made. TONIGHT). 2. I have money to last this week (similar negative comment. same response. THIS WEEK). 3. maybe if I call a friend & tell them wots happend they might b able to take me in as a xmas orphan on xmas day,to help support my suddenly fragile state of mind. That’s it. That’s all I can manage today. luv to all x
Teachable; I felt the same way you did last holiday season. Good for you for recognizing you have negative thoughts and you need to keep them under control. I know it is difficult to believe in God, karma, the good of the universe, etc. when you’ve been through a lot of horrible pain and injustices. As soon as you climb a difficult mountain, there is another one to climb. The holidays can feel overwhelming when every one around us seems so happy and contented, and loved and protected. It is human nature to give into emotions, but since you are here and open to suggestions, I will start by saying a private prayer for you today to abate your fears so you can have some peace. I hope that you will find solutions to get you through whatever difficulty you are facing. It sounds like you are really struggling today with negative thoughts and anxiety over your life. You can check out another website today- it is religious (Christian) but she makes spiritual struggles of bleak despair and hope and understanding super practical with easy to recognize, day to day advice (just like Natalie does for relationships!). This woman is way different than your every day Preacher- she was raised by an abusive, dangerous sociopath and had all of the unmentionable experiences and setbacks that ONLY toxic family survivors can begin to recognize. She was a late bloomer (of course- working through all her issues) and is now radiantly happy, successful, and wanting this for other people who grew up like her. Check it out if you have the energy; joycemeyer.org. Hugs.
ps its not really working. im wallowing in self pity like a pig. its disgusting. I think im about to become a complete & total failure. the only thing I can change is my thinking but its not working. thus, im going to sleep. I have a massive action plan drawn up to address a major crisis here & continue w it 2moro. im grateful for many of the things in this post but right now I cant feel ANY of them. BINGO. I just figured out WHY. Maslows heirachy of needs. Iv now been tossed bk into fighting for basic needs survival needs ie food, shelter, water, so OF COURSE all this personal growth, self esteem & self actualisation stuff goes out the window! ok. I got it. feeling slightly better now. its NOT that im self pitying myself but that im preoccupied on a base level! phew. guess i’ll b on a br break for a while. fighting not end up homeless here. already practically penniless with almost zero notice. bastards. I got important fish to fry. hold the fort folks while I desperately try to save the effin ranch!!!! (& im hungry & dont even got $ for food!!!)
Teachable, whatever is happening it sounds terrible and I’m worried for you. Is there anyone close by that can help you at least with your immediate needs? The thought of you being hungry is painful and I want to help. Try to keep strong and focused there is a solution here somewhere.
Good luck Teach. We are all rooting for you. Seriously though, let us know you are Ok over the holidays eh?
teachable-
i’m rooting and praying for you.
be grateful you’re smart enough to think your way out of the no-i’m-actually-not-self-pitying box.
we’ll hold the fort and send you thoughts of money, food and warmth.
Teachable,
You will do this. You’ll find a way. You’ve been through so much. Do reach out to others for help. Make your needs known to people who will point the way. Don’t minimise your needs or try to cope on your own — emotional or physical, this is the very thing that does the damage. Let some help in today. We’re here, and our faith and love for humanity no matter how shaken extends to you, you personally. We care about you.
teach, you don’t need to believe in god in order to pray. try it — you have nothing to lose. praying to ‘the universe’ works for me when i’m down in the dumps and feel utterly alone. it takes tremendous courage and strength to admit that things are shitty rather than being in denial. you’ve got the fire in you. you will be included in my prayers tonight. ((hugs))
Teach, what Natashya said.
When I was in my lowest low, around February this year, I sat crying in my bed and prayed to no one in particular. I just said Help, help, help me and thought of my loving grandfather, who passed away when I was in my teens. Then I thought of my great-grandmother, a sweet blind white haired lady who liked me to hold her hand when I was six.
And then, help came.
From then on, miraculously, things started to change. Just have faith, you can do it.
This. Speak it out — articulate it to the universe, to your ancestors, to the trees. It works. It actually makes your brain organise all those feelings and thoughts so that they’re not in chaos.
Teachable – sending you lots of good energy so that you can take care of you. I can relate to attending so focusedly on things higher up on the Maslow hierarchy that I still don’t have the basic needs totally covered long-term! Part of my BR-education has been discovering how stability in things like house/home/food is part of loving me: I hope you get everything sorted and know that we’re rooting for you!
Teachable.
It looks bleak right now. It is bleak. BUT (yes I said the dreaded “but”) there IS light coming your way.
I don’t know you well as I’ve only been here a very short time. HOWEVER, I DO KNOW THIS MUCH:
1) You’ve had a terribly difficult life that would destroy 99% of people. YOU, have not just survived…you’ve thrived. You WILL continue to thrive.
2) You are strong…as in iron core wrapped in velvet strong. Use it…even if you feel like a quivering bowl of jell-O at the moment. You have the strength at your command.
3) You reached out to us (and I know it’s hard to reach out to others when you’ve been repeatedly kicked in the teeth, you can reach out to your friends in your town too. Hell, wish I was nearby to help out in person.
4) You are incredibly smart, intuitive and creative. Breathe. Try not to obsess(I know that’s asking a lot.) Breathe some more and let your inner voice guide you to the right person, idea to help.
5) Come on here and vent, rant, rage. We have your back. Just like you’ve had soooo many backs here.
6) Don’t worry about feeling grateful right now…you can do that once you get some food and some of the worry alleviated and know you’ll have a roof over your head.
If it helps at all, I’m grateful to you for the wisdom you’ve shown here and your willingness to give of yourself. Gigantic Hugs!!!!
Teach I have been crying about you today. Is there anything we can do? I am sending loads of positive thoughts your way but it doesn’t seem enough.
Teach,
You’re not a pig and you’re not wallowing. You’re scared. Feels sucky, huh? And you’re hungry and pissed and whatever else you are feeling. It’s understandable. I agree with the other commenters here: you don’t need to believe in God (or be perfect) to pray. Just try it. Be SPECIFIC in your prayers. I won’t preach to you, but the Bible does say that God is close to those who are broken-hearted and crushed in spirit. “Yeah, right. Where the hell is he NOW? I’m HUNGRY.” Maybe that’s what you’re saying. But seriously, try to pray. Even if you’re pissed or hurt or scared or don’t have time. God gets it, trust me. He’s been dealing with me for 35 years, so he’s a pro. 😉
The other thing. God also expects us to work along with our prayers. Oh God, here it comes and UGGGHHH Teach, I know you’re like me and this is gonna RANKLE: ask someone for help. There I said it.Is there ANYONE close to you to whom you can go to, just to get money for a dozen eggs to cook (they’re cheap, and an almost complete food)? You said you might be losing your place (at least that’s what I’m reading in your comment). Focus, Teach (I know you’re good at focusing): sit down for half an hour and MAKE A LIST of people (even if it’s only one person) near you to whom you can ask to stay with FOR A WEEK. That’s all. Then you can go from there. Whatever happens to your place, whether you lose it or not, you will have the peace of mind of a backup plan. Now hustle, love.
There is a time to be thankful and a time to get your stuff together. After you get your stuff together, then you can reflect quietly again and be thankful. Right now, you sound like you are ALREADY cognizent (and good on you, Teach!) for the little things you have, however fleeting (and newsflash: EVERYTHING IS FLEETING. That’s why Jesus told us to pray to God for our DAILY bread.)
Ugh, yes my Florence is coming out. Must tuck that back in. But seriously Teach, I get where you are. Sometimes there is no poetry for times like this. Just get it together, love. FIND that person in your life that you can go to right now, even if it’s an unlikely source and ACCEPT HELP from them. We ALL need it, and maybe this is a good time to practice asking for it (again, UGH, I know). I’m thankful that you’re here on Nat’s site, I really am. Your personality is JUST what I needed to tell me certain things I’ve needed to hear. You have helped me A LOT, Teach.
Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. And, I don’t know how you feel about this, but I’m going to pray for you. You may read all of our posts here and they sound like platitudes, but I know that the ladies here are all concerned about you, as I am. But I also know that you’ve been in many pinches, love. This is just another one. Be scared, be pissed, be unthankful. But also pray and ask for help and take all the action that you can reasonably take in order to help your situation. It really is that simple. Don’t make it any more complicated than it is, my dear. You don’t have time to waste doing that anyways. Just do as Rev says 😉 and then come back and tell us how it all is working out. My thoughts are with you.
Teach,
Sorry you are having a hard time. Sending you vibrational hugs through space. Hot tea while destressing in a hot bath help. Maybe a little Ben and Jerry’s too while you weather the storm. (((( hugs)))))
((((Teach))))
I have no idea what is going on, how it started, but I understand it completely. It is such a painful place to be and you’re not alone in this country in facing what you are. Given the riches we have here, it is appalling to me the level of suffering..when it is so unnecessary.
I don’t know where you live, but do you have access to services of any kind that you might qualify for? If this is a pride issue, SWALLOW IT. You’re healing is on hold until you reach out and ask for help and become stable with the basic of Maslow’s needs. I know this one, I am there right now, and it is very, very hard. I have a roof over my head, thank GOD, but keeping it there has required me to ask for help and I have felt like a failure doing it. That comes from low self esteem and I know it doesn’t help when society demonizes you and the place you’re in…but you have support here. Try to get it wherever you can close to you. Whatever this means for you.
I am a spiritual person, Teach, but I’m not going to tell you to believe as I believe or that you should hold onto “GOD” if this is not your practice, so let me put this into terms that may be helpful..
You need to learn to hang onto you. People have told me they are praying for me, or that I just need to have faith and trust in God, the process, yadda yadda, what that did was make me want to off myself MORE…I know they meant well, but it wasn’t about them, it was about ME and the feeling inside that came with those who said those things to me because prayer is not going to put a roof over your head tomorrow, nor food in your mouth right now.
In what I have learned throughout this experience is that FOR ME, God IS present, always. That is MY belief and I am not asking you to believe this..because it isn’t what’s important here…it’s laying the foundation for faith, but faith in YOURSELF. This is what is being taught to you. If you are a “universe” person than you need to know that when YOU take the first step, when YOU reach out for help, wherever you can find it, it’s then that doors will open. God is not my magic wand. I believe He expects me to do the ground work and He will open doors as I go. Some may open, some may close, but there are LESSONS behind each of those doors to learn about ourselves, things that can empower us. Whatever is going on with you now, that prevents any help to you whatsoever, whether it is fear or pride or what have you, LET IT GO. If I sat in my car, if I was homeless and did nothing,I would still be in my car and homeless, doing nothing, while everyone is praying for me. That seems silly, doesn’t it? that’s because it is. I have had to swallow TONS of pride, at a time that it has felt the MOST unjust. After all the abuse, tears, years, it feels SO unjust..but it’s in the injustice that the key lies to your help, your freedom and yourself.
Ask for help, Teach. Doors WILL open. It’s hard and it feels humiliating, but you MUST do it to find out what’s on the other side. IT sounds as if you have a plan to execute and this is good. Fight now FOR YOU. You’re worth it.
**HUGS**
Teachable I can’t remember where you are? I am in the U.S. Are you here? I am in Texas, are you near here?
Breath. Relax. Take stock. Are you safe? If you do not have food you need to call someone to get some. Do not be ashamed of that; you cannot think clearly when you are not eating. Who do you know who can help? Is there anyone that you are just not wanting to bother? Because not reaching out is a mistake; people want to help! (((((((((teachable))))))))))))
Thank you 🙂 Thank you Natalie and all the BR friends for sharing your insights and experience and helping me see things from a totally different perspective!:) Merry and peaceful Christmas to all of you xxx
Natalie,I am truly thankful for your blog.Thank you for giving a damn about us.Really.I don’t always comment in here but I have learned so much from your posts and YOU.Feels good to read this post at this time of the year.
A Very Merry Christmas to you and all your loved ones and a great New Year 2013,dear Sis! Hugs to your sweet little girls.
God bless that lovely person who recommended your site somewhere on a writer’s blog.And you for sharing so much of YOU in here.This must have been sometime last year.Been looking in here ever since and have spread the good word to those who would benefit from your wisdom.
Keep spreading the cheer and stay smart,lady!You rock!
Much Love and hugs,
sheela
India
It has been an amazing experience to have found your site. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me. I’m turning fifty 12-29 and have spent all my life with and around assclowns… just never knew thats what they were. I’ve been married 5 times also and find myself single at 49. They last relationship I had has been over for two years and I still read your post. I’ve shared your website with other women and they’ve found relief. I am incredible blessed to have stumbled across your site. Thank you for all you do. Happy Holidays to you and yours
I’m thankful for BR and everyone in this little awesome world on the internet…!!
its been a year and a half since he broke my heart (set me free). i kept hoping for another year and a half that he would change (that if i just changed enough he would come back). i tried making him jealous, tried being overly generous with my time (allowed him to stand me up over and over and over), slept with him when he was in between other girls. he said just enough to keep me hoping – ” i miss you”, “we could be madly in love if we got back together one day”, “you are so wonderful”, “i’ve never loved anyone like you” and finally the more recent ” you’re still not what i want”. he’s already moved on. i am 2 weeks NC and still trying to keep tabs on him, still trying to have some effect on him. i get from reading this site i am still seeking validation from him because i don’t love myself as much as i should. i am trying meditation, affirmations. anyone have anyother advice? this seems like the toughest of times- i hope it gets better from here. my brain chatter is relentless- why is this happening to me, how did i get here, i though i was so strong, i would have never thought this could happen to me, how can he move on to sleeping with someone so quickly? deep down i know i have betrayed myself so many times, i am angry with him, with his lies, with his arrogance, with his disrespect. i am angry at myself for allowing it. at the very least i have ignored a call, a text, a few atttmepts to get my attention. is there an island we can put these men on? is there a pill i can take to make this feel better? i am glad to know i am not alone and i feel stronger than i did a week ago. thanks so much for being here when i needed it.
looooong baths, chamomile tea, ‘the girl with the dragon tattoo’ trilogy – book form, self indulgence in the form of manicures, facials, go ahead buy that decadent box of chocolate you would never normally buy – you’re worth it! Treat yourself and remind yourself when you are feeling bad that ‘this too shall pass’ and then let it rain when it needs too…someone else here said it well: a rainbow appears after the storm…
Oh, and don’t be tempted by alcohol or drugs, you need to stay present in reality to process. You’re heart may have been broken a year and a half ago, but the hope was kept alive by contact. You are on the right track now with NC, it will take time, let it. I thought I had a good handle on my situation early on, but it was all in my head. The reality was that I needed to process the emotions too, and that takes time…and NC.
getting there-
the pill you take is loving yourself fully and COMMITTING (see earlier post) to that.
in addition to everything you wrote:
– give yourself more compassion and understanding. what you’re doing is HARD, very, very, very hard. offer yourself sympathy for that.
– (everybody barf) things turned around for me when i wrote, entirely spontaneously, a letter to myself. yes, it turned out to be a letter to the little abused girl inside me. i told her all the things i understood about how she felt, i took responsibility for the decisions i/we had made, i asked for her trust and her understanding as i would undoubtedly make more mistakes, and i promised to love her and never leave her. i poured it all out and i made a lot of promises, all of which i have (mostly) kept. that letter has kind of served as a mission statement.
in addition:
– exercise
– doing fun things out of the house
– changing your scenery, meeting new people
– learning somethingnew
– staying dedicated to self-healing and growth
mostly?? you MUST earn your own respect by DOING things in your life and by sticking up for you, staying on your own side, even against the critic in your head. you will not find love if you do not love yourself. give yourself limitless compassion and love. when you can do this, you will easily see that he wasn’t offering anything at all and you will know what to require from someone new and how to ask for it.
and…trust me: the brain chatter will go on for a WHILE. this takes TIME. more time than any of us wants to or can withstand, but withstand it you must. keep moving ahead, keep adding to the list of things you do for yourself.
lastly: do not ever contact or accept contact from him again. EVER. EVER. NC means NC.
hang in there. if i can do it, anybody can.
cc – awesome feedback, as always
*smooches mags*
Everything cc said!!! Especially this (for me) because I do still let his opinion of me/what he would think of what I’m doing, occupy space in in my head too often and beat myself up badly for previously repeatedly engaging against my own better judgment and self interest:
“You MUST earn your own respect by DOING things in your life and by sticking up for you, staying on your own side, even against the critic in your head. you will not find love if you do not love yourself. give yourself limitless compassion and love.”
I am so thankful to NML for this site and all of the courageous people here helping each other grow and lead happier lives with our boundaries and self-love in place.
It took me a couple of failed NC attempts of a couple of months each to realize that I could survive the end of the relationshit of several years better than I would survive being in it – even after I found BR. Now after almost 7 months NC, I’m committed to following through on looking out for my own best interests. As difficult as it still feels day to day, I know there’s no going back to allowing myself to be treated less than ever again.
fx-
its just like the matrix: everybody falls the first time they try the jump program. but then they get up and try again and succeed in figuring it out.
and it requires FAITH. faith in yourself. nobody can tell you you’re [the ONE] – you just know it, through and through, balls to bones.
…clearly i fancy myself the oracle today. think i’ll go bake some cookies.
Wow CC. Great advice. I would like to write a letter to the five year old little Victorious. My childhood kind of ended there. But I don’t think I am quite ready. I am a bit too scared to do it yet, I think I would get about two sentences down and the tears would be overwhelming. Thanks for putting the idea out there though for the rest of us to read as I think I will try to do it sometime maybe next year. When I am ready. and thanks for all your great posts which I always find especially interesting/entertaining! Happy holidays to you.
victorious (and getting there)-
i have news for you: you’re ready NOW.
you wake up with that little girl every day. you feed her, bathe her, clothe her, take her out, make her work when she doesn’t want to, smile when she doesn’t want to, hide her fear and her tears, suffer her tantrums when her needs get ignored too long. she’s right there in you right now.
every day that goes by that you/she don’t care for her/you limitlessly, with infinite love and understanding and compassion, is another day of potentially living in needless pain, another day of allowing her to have a fit over something and take control and make a decision for you that you don’t want.
she’s you. you’re she. running away from her is running away from you – which is impossible.
so, make a safe space, buy a HUGE box of tissues, and sit with her. open your heart entirely and listen, LISTEN, to her. talk to her and explain things to her. make an agreement with her that you KNOW you’ll live with – this is a PARTNERSHIP. ask for her patience and trust. promise her your love and strength. make it clear that you will make decisions together, that she will be considered and not be left out, left behind, dishonored, abandoned. then write it all down. do not send it to anyone that you do not trust COMPLETELY.
again: this is very difficult. you must be BRAVE. you will feel very unsafe for a while after you do this, so you will need to build in recovery time. but then you’ll feel more cohesive, more easy, more open, more self-trusting, and more impressed with yourself then you ever have in your life.
but you’re ready now.
Thanks so much CC (crying again!) Have a lovely Christmas. Will keep you posted!
Getting There:
Jewels and cc have given you GREAT advice and ideas. Here’s one other.
Tell yourself every single day that You are perfect JUST AS YOU ARE. Just keep saying it. Pretty soon you’ll not only be saying it, you’ll believe it with your entire being. You are rewiring your brain to get rid of the negative thought patterns.
Oh, and come here as often as needed. Read. Ask questions. Vent. Comment to help others. It ALL builds your self esteem.
getting there, just because you went NC (yay!) doesn’t mean all the chatter just stops or that the pain goes away instantly. it’s a process. the first few weeks NC are the hardest. i went through it several times now (bc i felt the sick need to punish myself by contacting him) and it does get better. for me usually after 3 to 4 weeks.
all the questions of why, how, etc. will subside when you step away from the fire. for months i cried myself to sleep wondering why the ex EUM did what he did, still thinking of ways to get validation from him.
well, i have now come to the point that it doesn’t matter why he did why he did. that’s between him and god/the universe. do i still hurt over it? yes, but it’s a little less now. and in another few months it will be even less.
you have already taken the pill to make it better; the NC pill works each and every time. the key is to stick with it.
I’ve found that in situations like this, what helps is dopamine-boosting activities (adventures, travelling, novelty), as opposed to oxytocin-boosting things (baths, massages, down-time); the latter may even make me moodier, I’m better off with some adrenaline. Keeping yourself busy (and fit) can do wonders (there is time for everything, obviously, just referring to the situation you outlined).
Google up brain chemistry or neuro-transmitters, you may find that certain foods or spices influence your moods too. In short, there is a lot you can do, quiet down time by yourself may not be the best thing right now though.
A friend of mine turned me on to this site a little while back and it’s been so instrumental in getting me out of my 2 year dead-end affair.
I’m working on day 3 of NC (well actually day 1… he called yesterday and of course I answered 🙁 )
I’m realizing, slowly, that I am worth more than the crumbs of his affection and that I don’t want to play understudy or be second best any longer. He says that, as well as being a lover, he views me as a good friend and still wants to remain such…. but is a “secret friend” any better?? I’m thinking NO!
I am thankful he never left his wife, thankful for the insights I am learning, and thankful for the experiences. I’m thankful he didn’t value me… I’m learning I DO have value and that I deserve more from a relationship. (*ugh! it’s taking all that is within me though not to call or email him*)
Anyway, thanks for the success stories! I’m grabbing on to that hope and finally seeing a small glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel!
Rede,
Congratulations on deciding to get out of OW hell. It’s tough but so worth it. And being a “secret friend” is for the birds! He is not your friend. Luck to you xo
i was hoping for this post and am grateful for it. i’m grateful to natalie for this, for everything else, and to all of you on BR. you inspire and teach me. *gulp, wipe*
Me too, cc. Me too.
*gulp, wipe, straighten leather jacket*
I keep hoping I will be able to respond in a positive way like all these fine ladies here but in the end reading this article made me want to burst into tears. What happens when some of these affirmations don’t ring true? I know it has to do with me but if that is really the solution – really believing some of these things – then I am in so much trouble. I turned 31 Friday and looking around wondered how I had gotten here. No worries about wanting a relationship more than a person… I’d like to get back to a place where I believe there is anyone out there for me at all. I have to be honest, I look inside and I can’t figure how I will ever be the same again. How I will ever hope again – and I don’t think this is the fault of the Narc’s and the AC’s. I think that I was always teetering on the brink and going through endless cycles of failure have just pretty much put a hole in the hull of the “hope ship”.
I’m thankful I have a job, and I have a home and I am in (relatively) good health. I am thankful for all of these things… but I am not happy. I thought that I would so clearly be happy once I ended things… I was so very wrong.
Happiness does not just appear after the break. It took me months , actually years of knowing I had to walk away, before I gathered myself and did it. I still burst into tears, and am proud of myself when it just happens a few times per day. Myself, I have plenty of issues that led me to accepting less than behavior from people in general, not just men. I’ve got alot of growth to do to just be ok with and love and appreciate myself. Ive got to work on my own EU behaviors that I realized I must have since I empathise so well with EU individuals. I’ve got abandonment issues, low self esteem, along with some narcissm and a myriad of other things going on. If you need professional help, please get it ASAP., to help you figure yourself out. There is a rainbow after each storm.
Thanks, been in therapy for what seems like forever but I guess is rounding 4 years now. Still not getting it I suppose :/ I definitely have trust and commitment issues stemming from a volatile childhood, thought I’d healed. Dumped a great guy that probably was the truest person I’ve ever been with – EUF. In a sense “punished” myself with a sociopath and then when I got out of that, an AC. It felt like I had gotten out of the fray only to find that I wasn’t out at all… it’s a bit frustrating and disconcerting all at the same time when you do these things to yourself. Seems like I kept on going waiting for that dang rainbow… each year it’s harder to believe it’s ever coming. 🙂 But all this is just how I am feeling. I have survived all my life and I expect to survive this, if that’s where your concern lies.:)<3
Skadia:
I too had a volatile childhood, have always been drawn to EUMs and the last 2 full blown ACs. Had LOTS of therapy…years…and thought I had it beat. Had one missing piece though. Wasn’t really thinking about my well being and falling into fantasy-land until the last AC. Sometimes it takes a bit longer to CLICK and to truly SHIFT. Don’t worry about it.
You are learning more and healing more everyday. For me, this blog has been the final piece that caused the SHIFT to truly take place. Give yourself time and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I’m 50. And for THE FIRST TIME EVER, I DON’T hope. I KNOW I will find the healthy man for me and have what I’ve always wanted. A bit late by society’s standards, but it will be that much sweeter because I’ve worked for it. Keep your chin up.
Skadia,
Keep moving forward. Keep reading BR. Keep doing things that improve your life for your sake. I have been in the same dark place that you are, still have a little of it going on. I’m working with a therapist, doing the homework I’m given, reading BR, being thankful for the healthy relationships I do have and focusing on those more. I’ve also broken my ankle and am housebound for the most part, but I’m looking at it as an opportunity to indulge in BR all day long…and reading what I want, not having to spend time thinking about what I ‘have’ to do, because frankly I can’t do much…I’m learning to let others in and help – something little ol self sufficient/indepenent wasn’t akin to letting happen before…
I know I haven’t been ‘happy’ most of my life. But since the EUM MM AC Narc I’ve found BR, put myself in therapy, broke my ankle that MADE me let others in. I’ve come to realize that the MM isn’t the source of my unhappiness. my involvement, and subesquent inevitable pain, uncovered and brought to the surface underlying pain, issues and discomfort that I had no choice but to confront and deal with – there was no more denying it in myself that became clear. I made myself a promise to learn as much as I could so that I never find myself in such a situation again…
I guess all I’m trying to say is that – you may be unhappy now, but that doesn’t mean that sometime in the future you won’t be. Now sucks, but future happiness will be defined by how willing you are to take action. You are here – good start, now you can go further, get the books, do your research, start shopping for a therapist or if you can’t afford that, start talking to good friends and garner support.
I was terribly unhappy when things ended, a week in bed, weeks more of feeling like I’d been hit by a bus, even more weeks of flucuating between anger, dispair and feeling ok. I had to grieve, I had to process, I had to let my heart catch up with my mind. It seems that they don’t work at the same speed 🙂 Treat yourself well, I drank alot of chamomile tea and had lots of long bubble baths, cried, felt angry and let it run. I still have the occasional ‘ugly’ cry, but I find that if I indulge it, it passes remarkably faster each time. It’s scary going in to that state, but I’ve done it so much now that I don’t resist it anymore, it’s in the process and if I let it run, it doesn’t run me.
Just the article that I needed to read today. I was saying these same things to myself in the shower this morning, when I was on the verge of crying. I just stood there in the water and said, you either need to cry or think of all the reasons you shouldn’t. So I started saying out loud, all the things that are good in my life and what a wonderful person I was. Needless to say, I did not cry. I the. Remembered that I had a new article to read from you. So I sat down and did it. What a nice surprise it was about things I had just got done telling myself.
Thank you
I’m thankful for Baggage Reclaim and thankful for YOU Natalie, for helping me get through my first and most painful breakup in my life. You taught me the importance of NC and how to kick Emotionally Unavailable BOYS (not men!) out of my life, and I’ve rediscovered myself in the last few weeks. Thank you for helping me realise that relationships are a reflection of who you are as a person. I’m so thankful for this site too for helping me realize that I can get through this rough patch!
So grateful for BR and this supportive community. And grateful that this last guy didn’t work out and I got the closure I really needed.
Update on the guy who was multidating and called me his “favorite”…
We did have one final date and it gave me the closure I needed to move on honestly. It was going great until I discovered he slept with the other girl he’s seeing (he did this shortly after our exclusivity discussion) and also told me he would want to be more physically intimate before he would decide to be exclusive with someone.
Of course, as many of you have been saying, this isn’t about dating philosophies or customs or who’s right/wrong at the end, it’s about what I am comfortable with.
I did not feel comfortable with the fact that:
a) When he told me he wanted to figure things out, he was really just sleeping with another girl (yes, someone he was also dating, but come on!). How can one do that with a clear conscience shortly after our discussion, knowing that it would be better to just step back and evaluate things first?
b) He referred to the other girl as “boring” compared to me because of the intensity of our conversations. I realized I was disturbed. If he could talk about her this way, I could easily be on the other side some day. Even as a “favorite,” I am STILL an option that can be disposed of when a better someone comes along.
c) He was basically expecting me to be in the race for exclusivity by showing him what I could offer physically, which is NOT something I do without some sort of security (I don’t have to be his girlfriend, but if he’s sleeping with other girls, that does not make me feel good). Even though he said he admired and respected me for asserting my boundaries and staying true to myself by not trying to please him, he had an expectation of physical intimacy before emotional security which was ultimately incompatible.
d) While he acts all feminist and open-minded, he did at one point refer to my physical boundaries as “dramatic”—same guy who got freaked out by me mentioning that he disclose his multidating to the girls he’s seeing after our third date. Although he admitted everyone has different boundaries, the fact that I had to EXPLAIN why I had them is a red flag. Nothing “dramatic” about my boundaries – ESPECIALLY when you enforce your own!
Thank you all SO much for your insight, by the way. This guy and I actually had a long, intense and open-minded discussion about all of this and I really was able to bring in my perspective with strength. Couldn’t have done it without y’all!
Here’s to no longer being someone’s option, “favorite,”…or fallback girl.
I deserve better and so do all of you!
Ugh Courtney
He’s a stinking AC.
Who does he think he is, having SEX factor auditions? What is it with these guys that they can blandly tell you something like that and expect you to swallow your pride, drop your knickers, and pray that you get the Best In Sack Award, prize being his special fried self? The booby prize, I think.
I think you’d find that the auditions would go on .. And on…and on. Euwwww
My Mumble! Hilarious! Yes, Courtney already has my view and it seems she has had enough of this Ac and his audition process. Courtney we are all better off alone than with dipsticks like this. Once you have all your shit together some great bloke is going to come along and ruin it all (to loosely quote our lovely Grace) but until then, we all need to keep a hand on that flush lever, just in case….
Eww Courtney he sounds like a loser! I am so glad you dumped him. The eum needs to try to audition for the bachelor to see if he can get his little auditioning harem…ick ick ick!!!!!
Perfect Mymble…”SEX Factor Auditions” will stick with me as well as the “Best in the Sack Award”. Truly amazing what these AC’s will say and do no matter how old they are or how little they have to offer.
Courtney, I followed you last post regarding the exclusivity discussion after the third date. I gotta admit, I felt queasy with this statement: “and also told me he would want to be more physically intimate before he would decide to be exclusive with someone”. I know it’s easy to Monday morning quarter back a date but sheesh! The guy tells you on a fourth date that he’s sexing it up with another woman? I can’t believe you were able to continue the “conversation”. I do appreciate this wonderful community. I now have a new dating boundary thanks to Courtney: If, on a date, a guy tells me he’s having sex with someone else, I leave ASAP. And I leave him with the check.
Since I’m doing the dating thing, I know this is possible so thank you very much for your update Courtney. So sorry you went through four dates with this guy. At least it was only four dates and be grateful you didn’t have sex with him.
Geez, some of these guys are totally full of shit. Next time Courtney, I hope you leave the penis with the check and forego the in depth convo!
Runnergirl, “…….. I hope you leave the penis with the check………” Lol, love this.
It was moreso that I “discovered” he was doing this (i.e., crude evidence at his place — we were there to watch a movie he had gotten me for Christmas and he had failed to throw away an empty wrapper which was lying in PLAIN SIGHT) and asked him straight up. Really awful, actually.
I also asked him WHY he had decided to do this even after we had an exclusivity discussion (really, he couldn’t wait?) and he said it was part of him “figuring things out” and that “it was there” (by it, he meant the opportunity to sleep with her). Gross, but honest, right?
I think his crude honesty is a blessing in disguise. It helped me see the light much faster, and realize his actions will always speak more volumes than his words (as a writer, I always had trouble detaching myself from the words of people and was always trying to reconcile them with actions).
No worries ladies – I always let him take the check since he always offered. I used to feel bad about that, but after my bad experiences in the past I am more willing to be selfish in the initial stages of dating. I guess it worked out in my favor.
Oh my gosh, how disgusting is that?!!
Hey Courtney,
Thanks for the update! It’s always useful to know how these stories turn out, to help us examine whether our hunches were correct or not, and re-tool our thinking/advice where possible. (For example, while we all know that a guy sending mixed signals *can* be an indication that he is EU, Grace’s story has proven that it can also be an indication that he is simply shy, He’s Just Not That Into You, be damned.) Good for you for letting him go when he revealed he had slept with another girl. This guy has got some brass balls to be asking you for physical intimacy before he can “decide.” What a jerk.
SEX-Factor … lol! Mymble, that cracked me up!
Courtney, if I had known that dating wasn’t a sex audition and that I should be like, hell-to-the-no! at the idea that “disappointing” someone’s “reasonable” expectations for no-muss-no-fuss-sex-without-commitment, there is so much BS I could have avoided.
He’s basically saying have sex with me or you’re voted off the island – too bad “surviving” this guy’s challenges hardly brings a prize at the far end. Good job courtney!
courtney-
*facepalm*
omfg. i berate myself for my own previous advice to you. thank god you have a head on your shoulders.
honey, its so much worse than you think.
who here thinks that guy is a total sicko, a kind of sociopathic?
– discusses feelings and boundaries as if they were objects and is clearly unable to actually empathize? check!
– initially feigns respect for boundaries but then requires explanations for them and calls them dramatic (are you fucking kidding me?)? check!
– unapologetically ranks women to their faces – sees nothing wrong with this? check!
– stages *suppresses vomit* sex auditions, ostensibly for relationshiT (which is total bullshit, he’s just trying to get laid)? also unapologetic and unaware that this is fucked up? check!
– is psychologically manipulative and subtly negging? check!
had a long, intense and open-minded discussion… man, this guy is good, a truly skillfully practiced charlatan. exhibited all above behaviors and managed to not get a drink thrown in his face.
courtney, take a couple steps back and look again. he’s a total slimy scumbag.
thank god you got rid of him (and didn’t sleep with him). please don’t ever have any kind of contact with this guy again.
man. that was a close call.
cc, you’re probably right. While I won’t deny that I enjoyed my dates with him, I probably also was able enjoy them because of who I thought he was rather than who he really is. And I couldn’t have done it without you ladies! there is definitely something off about this guy and I guess I was trying to see him in a more nuanced perspective but I like your perspective way better – probably more accurate too.I think I am just too forgiving, too much of a nice girl, when it comes to d-bags. You’ll be happy to note that though he texted me three times after that night (wishing me well, saying take care, telling me I am wonderful, blah blah blah, and also one last text saying “Sorry, called you by accident after I hung up with my boss”–so random) I never responded. The little Fallback Girl heart may have skipped a bit when I read those texts, but then the BR-trained girl rose to the surface and was stoic about the entire affair.
It really is good to step back and realize that I was betting on potential, that while he showcased/pretended/manipulated/fabricated qualities of being mature, intellectual, generous, self-aware….he proved to be anything but. He may have qualities and accomplishments I admire but it doesn’t change who he really is in the end-someone who’s inherently confused when it comes to relationships, commitment, boundaries and women. He can pretend to enjoy strong women all he wants, but when it comes down to the bat (the word he used after the exclusivity discussion was that he felt “intimidated”), he can’t handle one, and that’s that.
At the end of the day I am grateful for his honesty, whether or not he intended it to be part of his manipulation. He showed me his true colors and I am glad I am finally listening to myself rather than perpetually hanging out in the justifying zone. 😉 Thank you for your insight on this, I really appreciate it!
Yup, I agree with CC, this guy is a sociopath TOOL. Disgusting.
appreciate his honesty — something to be thankful for. something else to be thankful for: the liberating sound and feeling of the assclown FLUSH!
you did well! congrats!
Courtney,
He told you the other girl is boring? While he´s sleeping with her? Wooow, that´s classy, eh.
Rest assured that he is telling her the exact same thing about you. Don´t be fooled with these ACs, their only favourite is themselves. A good thing you escaped just in time.
He is boring! He is boring with his “accidental” post-sex product placement, his butt calls that were probably not butt calls, his super obvious manipulations. HE is boring. The other women are all probably full of emotion and ( misplaced) kindness and hence, human, and hence, interesting.
EWWW! I gotta stop reading this; it makes me barf.
On a side note; I ran into a 3 internet date guy who I had three dates with, months ago, at the mall. He basically bored me the last date by telling me all about himself, never asking me any questions about me and then expecting a big wet kiss and grope at my car. I actually shook his hand and said “I am sorry I just don’t kiss people who I still don’t know well” and left. It was really awkward. He sent me a half-assed text a few days later, telling me that he knew that I did not like texts but that that was easier for him, and I never responded and flushed. Any hoo, today I ran into him. Did not even realize it was him until he made a point of saying hi. I just said “Oops did not recognize you with no scroff! Happy Holidays!” Big smile and took off. It felt great to be so nonchalant and really feel that way. A few years ago I would have been all into him, trying to get him, that last date, to ask about me. Now it is just flush, move on, run into, and flush more:)!
I am glad that this site seems to be sticking….
LMAO! dancingqueen, post-sex product placement is a brilliant phrase, and you’re right, that’s probably exactly what he was doing. I also had the urge to barf many times throughout this situation, so I am glad I finally followed my gut (pun intended?) on this one instead of trying to justify everything/go against my own values and boundaries. it shows that I really have made some progress.
good for you for not caring about the guy and also accepting/embracing your nonchalance. that’s the gift of BR, really telling us not to settle for anything less even though it may seem tempting to care. some people are just not fit to be into anything but themselves and those are an instant flush! 🙂
haha so true. nothing like the satisfying sound of a justified flush right before the holidays! thanks! 🙂
And the ASSY AWARD goes to….Courtney’s Loser Date!!!!
Oh do I have a plethora of choice words for this guys. However, he’s just not that special, so I won’t bother to burn your ears.
Courtney, give yourself a high five, a pat on the back and big Woo Hoo for handling this idiot’s manipulations with grace and dignity!
Now you are free to date a REAL man!
thanks la pintura bella 🙂 couldn’t have done it without you ladies!! and natalie, of course!!
Courtney,
Thanks for sharing your dating experience with us. First, be proud of yourself. You did good by sticking to your boundaries and flushed out the sex weasel. It really helps me to read these dating stories and how you gals apply BR knowledge in real time. Right now, I have all my BR knowledge down in theory and principle…..but give me a dress rehearsal and I’m afraid I still might sputter a bit. Sorry he turned out to be a weasel though. Be thankful he was honest with you, but I think it may have come from his arrogance rather than morals. Either way, now you know. His idea of sexual ‘try outs’ is pretty arrogant too. And I agree with others that if he is telling you this other girl is boring, but he sleeps with her….he is selfish as shit. Who made him King?
Thanks Selkie! It really helps to know that my stories are helping others too!
I agree, since he’s someone that’s quite pretentious and judgmental, it probably stemmed from his arrogance rather than from morals. The idea that he needs to test out “physical compatibility” when there’s already intense physical chemistry is too much. I refuse to be “tried out” and then disposed of.
Plus…despite all the EUM’s and AC’s I dated, not any of them held “try-outs” for me before they made it exclusive. So gross. It is pretty selfish indeed.
I agree BR is hard to always put perfectly into practice, but I can see myself improving every day!! It really does work in real time! Hugs!! 🙂
What I’m grateful for is rather simplistic, given my circumstances:
I’m grateful to take in oxygen.
I’m grateful for my sons, who are stable, loving happy young men (exception youngest who is a psychopath)
I’m grateful for my daughters, who have given me three beautiful grandchildren whom I adore.
I’m grateful for a medical team that cares and who are working their butts off to get the surgery I need.
I’m grateful for the courage to kick every single toxic piece of crap out of my life, from bio fam to past friendships, as well as making new and healthy friends, who share my new values, boundaries and passion about domestic violence victims.
I’m grateful for this site because it is one of the first I have seen that promotes and encourages (heavily), self healing. Healing will not happen with working on self. It can’t. It’s a relief to see and it’s equally as inspiring to see survivors responding and doing the work and seeing the outcome. I love it!
Lastly, I’m grateful for my progress, even though I have a long way yet to go, I’m feeling more stable emotionally and while stressful, I’m learning to implement my boundaries now, even with survivors that I support, because I tend to want to take their pain away, but pain is what leads to growth. I am grateful most of all, for boundaries and the desire and strength to implement them.
I’m grateful to a merciful God, whose grace walks with me everyday of my life. I am alive today, despite chronic abuse from pathologicals from childhood forward.
I’m grateful for the healing of others and am humbled by my part in it, which is a gift.
Thank you all for teaching me….
Nat,
I am so thankful for this blog! Reading it has helped me to look at myself and the role that I’ve played in each of my relationships. After much introspection and soul searching, I’ve actually decided to play the field at the youthful age of 50. I am now seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I’m really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!
Luv you Nat!!
Haha Gina!
No time for Jack Daniels or Johnny Walker then!
Gina.. Love it !!!
Gina!
That was hysterical! Love your sense of humor.
I am thankful for this site and for everything that I have learned about myself this year and for the really awful “opportunities” that have finally forced me learn what I needed to even though it has been really hard. I feel like I am much more deliberate and insightful about myself in lots of ways not only in terms of relationships but in terms of work too. Still working on the answers but at least I think I know what the questions are!
I am definitely less sad and traumatized than when I came on this site for the first time. I feel more stable and empowered in some new ways and I owe a lot of that to the thinking and acting that has been inspired by BR and all of you.
I am thankful for all the people who have told their stories on BR and who have been so honest about themselves. I admire you and appreciate you all and thank you so much to Natalie for making it all happen.
@Bob
NC means no contact. K is right. Listen. When you reached out to her you gave her that power back. Texting is a BIG No No. Next time just go out and buy ice cream. Thanks for sharing your story and you are right there is something here for all of us. Man or woman.
As always, I love you Natalie. You have helped me so much in so very many ways. I am a different person now. Not quite where I want to be, but finally on my way. Thank you so much! <3
I was doing fine until i see a fb post where ex mm whos now left wife for the ow he wanted all along put up . It was like a punch to the stomache . Shes allready part of the family . I feel so utterly utterly used . He knew i loved him and he used me . Here am i nearly four minths later still thinking bout him every day . I bet he never gave me a back ward glance or thought or nothing . Ive tried so dam hard to pick myself up and get on with it went i just want to cry and cry and cry , will it never end ?
Tired. Yes it will end someday. Have u ever heard “what u dont know cant hurt you” ?? or “If it hurts dont do that”.. I dont know if you were snooping or it was on someone elses wall and you saw it but your reaction is normal. There will come a time and I say this from experience, where it wont faze you at all. Getting over someone u loved is not easy. Its a process, trust in the process, but also look out for yourself, be good to yourself and dont look at FB for information that will cause you pain.
I blocked everything & anything that had to do with the AC ex. The longer you stay complete NC the less and less you will think of him. Its kinda like a pair of shoes you bought & loved (I love shoes) that somehow got pushed to the back of your closet. If you dont see them & dont remember u bought them they dont enter your mind. Eventually u forget all about them. Hope that makes sense to you. U will forget , you will get over it, but u have to have the desire to do so & use the tools Nat gives to you, read prev post & become empowered to take your power back… U can do this !!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok Tired. I am now OFFICIALLY BANNING YOU FROM FACEBOOK. I have installed (via Natalies site) a special FB detector that will sound a SHAME ALARM every time you log on. Seriously. Deactivate it. Get permission from us before you reactivate. You ask will it ever end? Well, actually, no. Not if you persist in self damaging behaviour. Please do this for yourself Tired. Hugs.
I am thankful for — pretty much this very moment as I type this — the end of the Mayan calendar, the celestial alignment, the Earth’s passing its galactic equator, the I Ching, numerologists, and the dozens of prophets who say that humanity’s passing through a gate… right… now.
The old age is finished and a new one begun. Less Pisces, more Aquarius, for those who think of us as made of the same stuff that stars are made of. New beginnings are possible now.
For those who might have recently felt deeply that their personal end days were nigh, a microcosm perhaps of the doomsday turmoil that’s been sloshing around lately, we now have our whole futures ahead of us. Things are different now. We might not have relished learning what we’ve had to learn about certain aspects of human behaviour from our painful experiences, but learn is what we all did. Aside from this being a route to personal betterment it’s also an important piece of collective wisdom we need to acquire and internalise and evangelise to move forward as a healthy species. We now know our shattering experiences are neither unique one-off incidences nor isolated cases nor inadvertent mistakes accidentally falling upon us, but a whole universal pattern of very predictable parasitically selfish behaviours, as if lifted in their entirety from the very same diabolical script, with virtual constellations of warning signals we ignore at our peril. Some members of our species need to be left behind us as a consequence of their patently harmful behaviours and pathologies which have damaged us and millions of others like us emotionally, mentally and physically. It behooves us to walk away from them. All of them.
I’m thankful to be one of the ones selected, or self-selected in a way, to be given the opportunity to move forward — and not to be one of the ones left behind.
you may not remember, grizelda, but i had a really bad day a while ago (well, lots of them, but that one i clearly remember) and you wrote about your ‘hospital ritual’ and allowing yourself to let go. it helped me so much reading that and alleviate my loneliness. thank you for that xx.
Thank you! I’m glad. I haven’t indulged in a ‘hospital’ for four weeks and counting, but I know it’s something I can do again if I need it. I think you can only supress this stuff so much, and make yourself crazy, before you really need to just make time and space to give yourself deliberate permission to let it all out.
I love this article! I read it over and over when it was published before.. I was in love with a married man, he left me heartbroken and I thought I’d never get over him. But by keeping myself busy and convincing myself that he’d be the one regretting it one day when he sees how I’ve moved on (a few hot photos and positive Facebook messages from friends lol.. Well it might sound sad but it gave us a laugh), I’ve moved on to bigger and better and now I’m pregnant to my lovely boyfriend who treats me with respect. I no longer have to hang around in the background while mr unavailable was ‘thinking things over’… Yes I do still feel hurt from time to time but I love my life now and it took me a while to get here.. Girls show these men that they are not irreplaceable!! Think of them as damaged goods and not poor lost souls.. Someone who truely loves you won’t want to be with anyone else.. You won’t have to share them! But I know how hard it is and I wish u all good luck in moving on to bigger and better 🙂 I will keep reading these articles anyway, I love them!!!
Well said, Grizelda–what a beautiful way you have with words. Natalie, I am ever grateful for your insight and the wisdom you impart. It has helped me in building my self-esteem and strengthening my spirit. To all of you who have shared your experiences, I also owe you a great debt of gratitude. Often, I’ve been at my wit’s end, and get online to read your accounts which reveal truths we can all relate to. More than a wake-up call, It’s been like a bridge which has gotten me over some rough waters and to the peaceful, better side of me. Thank you and in this New Year, I wish you all the love and peace you so richly deserve.
Thank you Wise ol Owl. I thought of you last Saturday when I decided to treat myself to a silver beaded bracelet I fancied from a shop on the King’s Road in Chelsea. It had one charm hanging from it, an owl. I thought to myself “You want that bracelet Griz, you have it. It’s really cute and it’s only £4 but that’s not why you want it. You want it because you feel like you earned a wise ol owl insignia from what you’ve endured this year, learning things that will assist you throughout life.” It’s now a ‘secret signal’ to myself at work and at home that tells me everything’s okay, that I’ve got a talisman — insurance if you like — that I’ve got the knowledge to protect myself against pathologicals forevermore.
I feel thankful that awful relationship is OVER.
I tried so hard to find the gift in it, I turned it over and over and over in my mind trying to extract treasure from it (with this much sh*t, there’s GOT to be a pony in here somewhere!) and finally gave up.
I feel grateful that it’s over, that’s the very best thing about the whole friggin mess.
It has taken 4 years to recover from a 5-year relationship with a narcissist.
Never. Again.
HA! That gave me a good laugh, thanks. Yes, when there is that much shit, there definitely has to be a pony SOMEWHERE! And there is, always, a treasure, if nothing else than increased self-knowledge, wisdom and the ability to feel compassion for others in the same situation. These are not small treasures. Are they worth the pain you had to suffer? Well, I hope that as time goes on you’ll be able to say “yes” to that question. I heard a great comment recently: “Human beings only come to consciousness through struggle.” Damn. I wish it were easier, but apparently it’s not! I guess the trick is to learn not to hate the struggle or painful experiences, but see them as revered teachers and be thankful for them. Which is the point of Natalie’s wonderful post. Not saying I’m there by any means – but I am moving closer day by day.
“(with this much sh*t, there’s GOT to be a pony in here somewhere!)”
I almost peed. That was pretty funny.
Eight months ago I broke up with my unavailable ex and initiated no contact. I can’t bloody get over the creep. And then…I got Natalie’s No Contact Rule book. Fuck. I haven’t been doing no contact consistently. I thought because I didn’t camp out at his door step curled in the fetal position crying, waiting for him to get home from the bar while leaving hysterical messages (like thirty) on his voicemail (I’ve done this with another ex) that I was doing pretty damn good. Nope. I haven’t called this ex. At all. I deleted his number. Changed mine. But after we broke up I did drive past his work on my way home (yes it was on my way home, but I could have taken a different route), I also went to a coffee shop he frequents and yep, you guessed it, I did run into him. I also drunkenly said some shit to our mutual friend in hopes it would get back to him that (a) I was drunk. He’s an alcoholic. He likes that shit. (b) that I was sorry I was so fucked up and broke it off with him. I also checked his facebook a few times (and ended up seeing he’s “in a relationship” which broke my effing already broken heart. So that was a day of hysterical crying. Then I google music videos he was in sometimes and cry while watching him play his base guitar. This ain’t no contact is it? Nope didn’t think so. AWH, FUCK.
And even though I’m a hysterical weepy fucking mess after reading the first seventy pages of Natalie’s The No Contact Rule, I’m thankful I ventured to read it. It was another slap in the face of reality that I needed to wake me out of a very, very dangerous stupor/fantasy land. I also bought The Dreamer and The Fantasy Relationship.
I thought I’d learnt my lesson after a ‘relationship’ with a using cheating AC. I was completely bewildered by his behaviour and it took me a long time to get over it. It was harder because I’d had a long happy marriage (I’m a widow) to a lovely man and I thought every man was like him. A couple of months ago I was contacted by my first boyfriend who lives on the other side of the world. Gradually he came on stronger and very affectionate and making plans to fly to see me. I was thrilled. We spoke on Skype a few times and things became quite steamy. I felt a little uneasy with this and said I wasn’t up for just a quick fling. He said he was upset that I thought that – we were much more than that. THe emails tailed off;he was too busy to talk on Skype- but can post on his Facebook. I felt humiliated so said I couldn’t do a LDR as it was difficult. haven’t heard from him since and I feel so let down and upset – and ignored. I don’t know what to make of it.I can’t believe I’ve fallen for another EUM so soon after the first one. Was I too hasty in turning him away? I really can’t tell the good guys from the bad any more. I don’t want to feel upset and hurt but that’s what’s happened – again. The last 3 years have been awful for me and I thought ‘meeting’ my first BF again was fate. I’m resisting emailing him, though its hard. He came on so strong and loving and I’m confused that he doesn’t at least want to speak about us. I promised myself I’d never get involved with another EUM and I feel gullible, ashamed and tearful that this happened.
aw (((shattered)))
I know that it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you PASSED the test. You laid down your boundaries (no flings), he didn’t like them and cooled right off. It hurts, but it hurts less than it would if you’d refused to confront the issue of the steamy skypes and just Gone With The Flow. Then you might be knee-deep in wonderful times and marvellous trips and eye-gazing incidences before he started pulling cruel stunts like this.
They don’t have flashing lights above their heads and it’s not the case that some people are blessed with super-spidey x-ray assclown vision. Really, it comes down to having the courage of your convictions to carry on being yourself and sticking to your values around men, and then going for the one that sticks around. He didn’t. So it’s not him.
So it’s GOOD – actually, no, it’s disappointing and rubbish and hurtful and soul-destroying – but it’s GOOD insofar as your personal progress goes.
Try to keep it in proportion if you can… when you boil it down, he’s a pen-pal that you’ve had a few months. I know that the fact that he’s your First Love has upped the ante a good deal, but realistically, you’ve barely spoken to him and you barely know him (or at least, the ‘him’ that he is now). I suspect that you haven’t fallen for HIM so much as the storyline, the fantasy and the happy ending… which, again, is good. It means that YOU have the power over how far you let this drag you down.
Well done for not emailing him and for stating your boundaries and stick at it. These situations hurt, otherwise we wouldn’t twist ourselves up trying to avoid them, but they don’t hurt as much as trying to be someone that you’re not. xx
Yoghurt:
They don’t have flashing lights above their heads and it’s not the case that some people are blessed with super-spidey x-ray assclown vision.
Damn, wouldnt it be nice if they did eh… But with the education of Miss Nat we can learn to spot them without those things…I am learning and amazed how quickley I am turned off at the first sign of AC behavior. Flush !!!
“I really can’t tell the good guys from the bad anymore”.
I believe you CAN…you already DID when you told him you were uncomfortable with the “pace” of the relationshit. This is what AC’s do: They blow hot, and if you have unhealthy boundaries, you wouldn’t even NOTICE what you did in how fast he was moving. This is a GOOD THING, not a BAD thing. It’s also why he turned COLD, because you were NOT willing to be a “fling”. What happened in your ability to see this was a GIFT to you.
I’ve had three ex’s in the last four years, blow into my life and pull the “I’ve never forgotten you/you were the best sex I have had card”. Two of them I hadn’t seen for nearly TWENTY YEARS. They were BOTH ex bf’s…assclowns THEN and assclowns NOW. I rejected THEM this time.
Please try not to take this personally, but as a LESSON to you. He’s not interesting in a “commitment” with anyone. Just someone who will put up with his shit and IGNORE the behavior YOU were able to see!
The most dangerous sign of a toxic man is LOVE BOMBING. They come on strong, fast and cast you as soul mate.
You dodged a bullet!
Like many others, i have been reading BR for a year. Now i feel it’s time to contribute.
I was dumped yesterday by a man who promised me the world.
We met and he too future faked me by showering me with very welcome attention.
I’m not here to ask why this happened because i know why after reading this amazing blog. I accept and am accountable for my role in this situation. What i’d like is to just share my story with this supportive community as i really need it right now.
You see, i thought we’d be together this Christmas and that it would be the time where i met his family. Now it’s not, i have no plans and i’m so terribly lost, confused and above all else, sad.
Here is my story:
– we met online in June
– the showering began
– i held back as any boundary equipped person might do thinking it was all too much too soon but at the same time was flattered and felt a sense of ‘at last’
– he proceeds to show enormous interest and we appear to be getting on really well
– well enough that we go to his family home in the netherlands for a long weekend together
– he drops the bombshell he’s moving to Africa for 6 months, having told me initially it was for 1 month
– we speak about plans to get through this period as we both agree we like each other a lot
– teary goodbye
– asks me if i’d go visit while he’s out there so we can keep things going while he’s away
– i agreed
– he leaves
– he contacts me frequently
– he tells me to come when ever i can and that he misses me
– he adds numerous girls to his fb account which may or may not mean anything, i didn’t analyse it
– we continue to make plans
– he begins to stall
– he tells me moving in with him is too much pressure
– he tells me we should wait
– i go on my own trip to south america as part of me did not want to wait
– we keep in touch via the usual lazy communication methods
– his contact is intermittent
– i still hold a torch and hope for the best when he returns in Dec
– he ramps up the communication in Nov
– he arrives back
– he asks for my number on a number of occasions
– he doesn’t use this number until prompted by a message i send 2 days after he returns
– we meet up
– it’s lovely
– we part ways after he asks me back to his house
– i made a promise to myself that i would not be placed in a position to potentially get physical during our first few weeks back together
– he avoids contact again
– he makes no firm plans to see me again
– he ends it via text yesterday a.m.
– in the text he states that he didn’t mean to hurt me
– perhaps we can meet up to talk about it ‘soon’
– he hopes i can find it within my heart to be friends
– i go NC immediately
– Fb gone, Skype gone, all numbers, emails and pictures gone
– i even logged in to the dating website we met on…guess what? he was on line 5 days ago, the day he arrived back in the country
– Block
– Blessing in disguise
What i’m dealing with is another Christmas alone ( no partner ) and literally alone, no children, and time running out for me.
Silhouette, Same thing happened to me, only difference is that she showed up back into my life after we first met the year before. We had one date the year before where she reveled that she’d just gotten out of a long term relationship. I knew I didn’t want to be her rebound, so I said, “if you’re still single in a year, contact me” She did, and it was close to X-mas time. The rest played out as you have describe above. I didn’t know about this web site, and if I did I’d have never let her in.
But I got future faked big time, it was soooooooo romantic!
In the end, I spent some money on travel, and I got to be her big fluffy fantasy Christmas lover. After I got back from spending all that money on her, she realized that “she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship after all”.
Never again.
Without this blog, no doubt I’d be sucked into some other lame carp by now.
Thanks to everyone here, and a happy New Year!
Time is not running out for you first of all. I know it sucks trust me, I did not think in a million years I would not be with my ex right now after all the plans that were made, all the time spent meeting her entire family, being so close to her kids, her meeting and getting close to my family, etc. He did you a FAVOR, he really did. And you didnt sell yourself for something that wouldve ended soon enough anyway it sounds like. He isnt ready its obvious, he still wants to see whats out there – hes not going to make himself available to just one person, which means hes not going to be available to anyone at all – just shopping. You dont deserve it and how great is it for you that you didnt become part of that game and got into trying to prove yourself??
I know it hurts, and I feel your pain I really really do. But you did so well and should be proud. I wish I was able to go back and do what you did when I saw the writing on the wall. Keep your head up and be thankful for this set back and everything you left intact. You just made yourself available for something better.
You will be ok, spend Christmas and New Years with family and friends – they always love you unconditionally. This guy wasnt going to anyway
This question of “time” is one that is all too often brought up. Why are you running out of time?
What does that mean for you? You didn’t say exactly, but I don’t want to assume either…
Silhouette,
It takes a lot of strength to go NC. Give yourself credit for that.
I don’t understand why people drag their families into their deception.
Meeting someone’s family is a big deal. Understandably, spending the weekend at his folks made you think he was solidifying things between you before he left.
He used his family to show you he was serious about the relationship. That’s very low.
There are many people alone for Christmas. The problem is that instead of reaching out for each other: we hide, as if it were shameful to be alone.
Let the place left vacant by this AC to be filled by some lovely person, maybe a new friend, maybe a new lover, that will brighten your life all year round, not just for the holiday season.
Hi Silhouette,
I never comment on this page, but my blood started boiling after reading your post. The nerve of this man to basically act like he’s in a relationship with you all these months while continuing his search on a dating site, keeping you in the dark about it, then pulling a stunt like this right before the holidays. Any normal human being with any sort of conscience would not be able to pull this off. Maybe you have blinders on and can’t see it, but there is something very wrong with this manipulative man, and I suspect there is much more about himself that he his hiding. I suspect you don’t even like him but rather just the idea of him — because for sure you never got to know the real him. I can imagine how it feels to be in your shoes right now, and it just makes me so angry that there are such inconsiderate people out there. Please do yourself a favor. See the rodent for what he is. Hold your head up high. And have a good New Year’s Eve – with friends or alone. Don’t grieve. Be happy that you can pick yourself up and start fresh sooner than you may think. I predict a much better man will be in your future.
Unbelievable.
– Someone who lives across the world who feels your pain and has your back
Thanks so much Jolie. Yes, it’s unbelievable right? I’m still NC and he has not tried to contact me once. It’s strange to think that the time we spent together meant NOTHING to him. I’ve managed to get through Christmas and have now made a few New Year resolutions, one being to sign up for Nat’s course on self esteem. I know i’m going to be O.K but i need to stop putting myself last and cling on to crumbs when i deserve so much more. This year i have to get serious because i’ve been involved with one AC after another for too long now. It’s just so hard to believe there ARE good men out there when recovering from this kind of treatment. When i read these comments on BR i feel like i’m never alone in this struggle. Thank you and happy New Year to you.
yay, silhouette! i will also be part of the self esteem course and i cannot wait. just like you, i know i will be okay but ACs and EUMs no more. without a doubt, we’ll still be meeting them, but with all the knowledge we’ve gained from being here, and with our self esteem in tow, we should be able to recognise them and push that mental FLUSH! handle without hesitation.
cheers to a happy, healthy, EUM and AC free new year!
silhouette, i’m sorry this happened to you. i had something similar happen to me (though i did travel with the ex EUM for several months) and i thought it was a pretty unique situation til i found BR!
i’m not sure what your role in his assclown behaviour was, but please… to me it just seems he was a classic commitment phobe (and an AC for being a coward and stringing you along). the start off hot with the love bombing and once they ‘got’ you, they realise that they either overestimated their interest in you, or their ability to be in a proper relationship, as it means there’s now ‘expectations’.
with these men, it doesn’t matter how much love you give them. they are simply not capable of receiving this love and, in return, reciprocating this love. that’s not about you. that’s about THEM. so you can be there with all the love you have, and the more you have, the faster they bolt.
what your ex EUM did with the dating site, is also what mine did (though now i remember he never actually deleted his profile when we were together. ugh). that was just the last slap in the face.
i am so proud of you that you went NC right away. good for you. hang in there and please keep on reading here. ((hugs))
Thanks Natashya. I’m still NC and guess what? He has made no attempt to contact me! Why didn’t any one tell me life was going to be like this! It’s hard and i often question what the point of it is but i’ll keep going. There’s no other option, right? Hugs to you too and thank you for being a shoulder to cry on.
silhouette, be THANKFUL he has made no attempt to contact you. my ex EUM did, and it put me into a tailspin for DAYS.
broken hearts suck, there’s no way around it, BUT it did bring you to BR, didn’t it? and guess what… everything you need to know is right here and in nat’s ebooks. you won’t be fooled again, will you?
i still carry a bit of sadness about my failed ‘relationship’ but i think i’ve finally, after 3 months (r’shit was only 4) arrived at the state of ‘acceptance’… and even better, i sometimes even feel thankful to the ex EUM. he woke me up on many levels.
i have now realised that i need to work on my self esteem (signed up for nat’s ecourse), that i do need to establish firm boundaries, that being single is still A LOT better than being in some confusing ‘relationship’ where i got rejected constantly and even accepted being treated less than.
NO MORE. once i’m truly healed i will be out there with an open heart and my self esteem in tow, dating again. however, BR has given me all the tools i’ll ever need to know when to opt out, when to push the FLUSH! handle and what is healthy and what is not when it comes to relationships.
i have learnt SO MUCH about relationships, but also about myself and my own patterns and behaviours. yep, i am truly working on a better and newer ME.
yes, when all is fresh, it is very hard, but stay NC, work on yourself, be gentle to yourself, allow yourself to grieve and heal and i can guarantee you that the pain will subside. 3 months ago, i thought i was going to die. i was crying on the bathroom floor, sucking on bach’s rescue remedy. i could not get out the house for days. 3 months later, i am making plans for the future again. if i can do it, so can you.
I love this post… LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!
Thank you Natalie.
I am thankful that I even know what a committed relationship is!
I’m sorry that I can’t actually comment on any of the posts because I’m going through too much pain to offer anything of value, all I can say is stay no contact because I’ve heard it’s the right thing to do – just keep at it even when you feel your resolve weakening. It shows them more than anything that you won’t put up with that shit, and they can’t break you anymore to feed their self esteem tank. I just wanted to say that I’m at work feeling absolute crap until I saw this post and have printed out all the reasons to be thankful for. I’ve been so tempted to contact him since NC but so far so good. If I can do it anyone can, just grit your teeth, get past New Year, hibernate if you have or just get shitfaced, (see I wasn’t kidding when I said I have nothing to offer :-)) and re-read BR as many or as little times as you need until you’re ready to face the world again. And you’re not alone. You’re not alone as long as you come here.
you just offered alot of value in sharing your pain and re-enforcing our resolve to resist the temptation to go back.
hugs Jemma! It is always hard during the holidays, doing NC and trying not to feel so alone. BR is truly evidence that we aren’t! Congratulations on NC and hang in there…also doing it as well…stay strong!!! 🙂 as you said, read BR articles, comment on here, journal, do whatever it takes…you’re so right.
Ah Jemma I wish I could reach through the screen and squeeze your hand. You CAN do it.
Filling their self esteem tank empties yours. And their tank has a hole in it. And they expect you to do it willingly, for free and gratis. Astonishing, isn’t it?
Still I know what you mean about not being able to find it within you to be thankful for things. At least, yet. I’m not feeling even the meanest molecule of gratitude for anything at all in connection with my relationshit. Least of all am I grateful for anything he did or didn’t do, worse actions he for some reason decided not to take, or additional emotional abuse he somehow spared me. I’m still in a place where that’d feel like someone thanking their whats-it cancer of the thingy-mabob for not metastasizing to the whos-it and setting up home two organs down. Relief, maybe — but not gratitude.
Nevertheless, I couldn’t help but think, and be thankful, that the healing does happen. That things do get better once you take possession of yourself.
Thank you everyone for your comments – I’m glad that I’ve been able to help even if it’s just in a small way. Merry Christmas to you all 🙂
People are where they wanna be. PERIOD! It’s not when you are experiencing happy times that people will show their true colors but during the rough times. We always try to give benefit of the doubt (as we should), but once you know what you stand for and what will or won’t work for you and your self worth, it won’t be unnatural to move on rather quickly. Don’t be afraid to say no or ask questions where they apply. It’s your time and if it’s wasted, there’s no way to get that back.
Natalie,
This is one of my favorite posts of yours, if not in my top 3. I am going to join my voice to the chorus and say that I’m thankful that you continue to stand up as a truthteller in this world. Hats off to you, Nat. You are like the period at the end of a wonderful, well-constructed sentence. You make me laugh and gyrate my head like Jackee from the TV show “227” when reading your posts. Go on with your baddest of selves, my darling.
Ive been following Br for awhile and have, luckily maybe, never really felt the need to post until now. BR helped me deal with a lot of ACs and EUMs and to realize that they might be ‘my type’. Also made me realize that the apprehension and the difficulty I had being open and myself with these guys was my gut saying this isn’t right.
6 weeks ago I met a man. I met him two weeks before he was leaving NYC to go back to Holland. We clicked the minute we met and he made me laugh. We met for drinks a couple days later and I had no intention of anything happening. But part way through that first date I realized I had already been more open with him then with guys I’d dated for months or even years. I wasn’t worried about what he thought or that he would judge me. It was just like I’d known him forever.
We saw each other every other day until he left. We did sleep together eventually but we also spent nights staying up until all hours sharing pictures or having tickle fights. I fell in love with him. Was the best 2 weeks I’ve ever had with another person.
He left and travelled down the east coast for a few weeks before going back to Holland. We’re not together anymore but we still mailed or chatted every few days. There were I miss yous and wish you were here’s. I emailed saying I may be heading to the uk in the new year to visit friends and could come visit for a few days if he wanted. His response was of course he’d like to see me but he doesnt know where he’ll be living, etc. I know this to be true (he’s waiting to hear where he’ll be doing his medical residency in holland) but based on my past experiences habit is to think he doesn’t want to see me again. Is that the case or is he just being realistic? He’s a medical resident in holland, I’m hoping to start law school in Sept. Is this just impossible and should I expect to never hear/see him again or is it possible that we can stay in each others lives in some way?
This might be hugely out of place but I have never felt this before in my life. I’m trying to be thankful for the two weeks we had but it’s really hard to see the good in this….
Let go. I say this as one who was romanced by a totally hot Italian urban planning prof just before he went back to Italy (same scenario as you, a brilliant two weeks), nice guy, all the I miss yous etc after he left, until I got fed up being his bedtime tuck-in skype who had an increasingly hard time remembering anything I told him.
And from the sister of someone who had the come-on from a handsome French CEO who was due to move two months after they got together, and had the same scenario play out.
“of course he’d like to see me but” is not he wants to have a relationship with you. You even say you’re not together anymore. Let it go. Two weeks is not long enough to be in love. It’s long enough for endorphins and for future-faking.
I was annoyed at the Italian hottie, but really, he’d been up front that he was leaving; it wasn’t anything more than a fling, and I couldn’t honestly say that I wanted to uproot myself from grad school that I’d just started to follow him. So I just decided it was a fling, chided myself gently for playing into the “we’ll stay in touch” thing, and moved on. The fact that it probably wouldn’t have happened had I not kidded myself that he was really taken with me (candlelit dinners, walks to the shore for sunsets, fun sex, fun times making dinners together) – but whatever. Lesson learned.
I think if you can remember it warmly as a wonderful, unexpected gift that life brought your way, and then let it go, you will be MUCH happier. Better to remember these two magical weeks as a special “brief encounter” than to ruin it by trying to turn it into a “relationship.” Not everything is destined to be a relationship, nor should it. Wish I had really understood that when I ruined a similar very happy two-week fling by trying to make it something it wasn’t. Not only did I make myself miserable for months, I also ruined the memories as well.
These things are usually rare episodes that exist in a bubble outside of real life – sort of like meeting someone on holiday and having a great sexual experience with them in a wonderful romantic, larger-than-life haze awash with tropical breezes and sunsets. When it’s over, it’s over. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t wonderful. Doesn’t mean that real loving feelings weren’t involved – most likely they were. Just silently thank him, thank life, thank God for giving you what sounds like a very happy experience. And let it go.
Thank you so much for your responses. Even though i’m away from my family and don’t have many friends to spend this Christmas with, i know i won’t be alone with you all here at BR. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Merry Christmas and a Happy 2013 to you all.
Today i have not been able to leave the house. Couldn’t gather the energy but tomorrow i will force myself to get outside. In one week this difficult Christmas time will be over and i will force myself to make a new beginning.
As i said in my other post, i can see where i need to take responsibility for my actions in this non-relationship that i had. I am accountable in some ways as i classically ignored red flags. It’s just nice to tell my story to some fellow AC victims.
A snippet of the Assclownery
– You’re what i need
– I think i could give you a commitment
– When i was reluctant to sleep with him when we went away together he said “you’re mine but you won’t have sex with me”
– Didn’t want me at his leaving drinks when he left for Africa explaining that he preferred to keep things in his life separate. He then proceeded to text me that night at 7pm asking me to come. I refused and responded with “It’s what you wanted”
– The use of the word ‘but’ quite frequently
– The meddling with his Fb settings so that i could only see things he or i posted on his wall. No other posts on his wall were visible to me
– The continual questioning of whether i’d still like him when he got back
– The continual questioning of whether i’d met any ‘guys’ during my trip
– Telling me initially that i was ‘out of his league
– Proceeding to tell me a few weeks later that he didn’t think that anymore
This guy works as a humanitarian lawyer. He lives in a house owned by his parents and probabaly won’t have any financial worries in his life ever. He told me his favourite thing to do is to have sex, ’cause every one is good at one thing’ and that’s my good thing.
Natalie is so right when she says that just because someone is good at sex, doesn’t mean they are into you. They’re in to the sex. She is also right when she states that just because someone is in a caring, humanitarian profession, doesn’t mean they are caring towards you. You get AC’s everywhere and in many guises.
What astounds me is that men like this are preying on vulnerable women. Women who in their late 30’s are having to make a last ditched attempt to create the life they want which includes a family. I’m turing 39 next year and i am furious that i have this pressure to find a man to settle down with. I didn’t want this nor did i foresee that the last years of my fertility as a wild goose chase to find a partner. The love of my life ( solid, lovely man, no AC) and i broke up the year i turned 35 after 3 years together and it’s been one AC after another since that time with some rest and recuperation in between. Prior to that relationship my history with men is sound and i had been lucky enough to have quality, solid people for boyfriends (only 2)
Now it’s a whole new ball game. I’m frustrated that i’ve been set back another 6 months and will more than likely need to take the next 6 months off dating to do some baggage reclaim. All the while my eggs are ageing and being depleted one month at a time. It’s a really dire situation and i hope that i can find all my strength to form a positive outlook on life and begin to think about planB should my dreams not come true.
WOW, your story reminds me a story of my ex best friend. She met a guy on POF and he done exactly the same thing! Silhouette, I understand your feelings. I feel hate and anger towards my two ACs, I just pray that one day we will be MENTALLY free from these idiots…
Sil,
Actually, you’re still reasonably young. There are women older than you having children. I have a suggestion for you: You need sperm to have a baby, but you don’t need a man to raise it. There are women who opt out of relationshits and choose to be artificially inseminated so they can have a child alone. It’s a very personal decision, but the word “family” these days, takes on many different definitions now and “traditional” is kinda out the window. I have two gay men friends who are domestic partners and adopted four children. They are extremely happy with this.
Having said that, Sil, you are onto something. Your perceptions surrounding your biological clock, are interfering with your red flag warning system.
Predators look for men and women who are most vulnerable. THIS is where you are most vulnerable and therefore, you will be easily emotionally hijacked into a relationshit. I am so glad these didn’t work out, because I’ll tell you what Sil, there is nothing WORSE than having a child with an assclown and yes it happens. Too often. Ask any of those women if they would rather have waited before procreating with a reptilian brain.
While I realize you feel and believe that time is of the essence, the reality is that you STILL have time. Dealing with this time issue is something you will need to deal with because I bet there is something underlying it that makes YOU unavailable in some way. You said you had a healthy relationship and it broke up when you were 35? Do you mind if i ask WHY?
It’s better to take the time to work on you, without obsessively watching a clock, because it serves as a distraction to you. It’s also better to take your sweet time in getting to know someone and FLUSING IMMEDIATELY at any sign of ass clown behavior, even if it means you wait LONGER. Have a plan B for yourself in case you get to your mid forties and you still have not had children. It’s not worth hooking up with an assclown and absconding with it. You will pay a HUGE price, with your life and that of a child.
You want to give your child a healthy family. You won’t get that with asshole.
Thanks K. I agree, there are ways to become a mother without a man, it’s just that i’d prefer to have one in my life and to become parents together. Perhaps i have rose tinted glasses on, i don’t know but i still hope and pray the right man comes along.
I will take time to work on me and to not get sucked in to the future faking. It’s just that at my age, men of my age seem to want women much younger. That’s online anyway. After reading this amazing blog, i am so much better equipped to flush instantly something red is flagged up to me.
My relationship broke up because the man i was living with decided he couldn’t settle down at the age of 29. There was in his eyes, too big of an age gap and we were progressing towards different life stages. I’m still working on that, as he is the love of my life and a man who has extremely sound morals and values. One’s that align with mine perfectly. I’m only just beginning to see that not all people have the same morals and values. I guess i need to get out of the sea of online predators and work out alternative ways to meet men. Better yet, forget them and form planB…
LOL! Sil,
It’s a good idea to pull yourself out of shark infested waters for sure.
I understand how you feel. Not about the children part, because I didn’t have a problem procreating, but with the guys want younger women thing.
I’m 49, but don’t look my age. I’ve been approached by men who thought I was younger than I was and instantly turned off when they found out how old I was LOL!
I think it’s a myth that older women won’t put up with any shit though. It’s older women, who have not experienced AC’s much or don’t know better who are perfect prey for predators. Too many.
But..the thing with younger women? It’s a maturity thing. Do you seriously believe they’re looking for a woman who is WISE, rather than a trophy chica, with a daddy complex, perky boobs, and absent granny panties?
Come on.
That’s not to knock younger women, but you’re not exactly “wise” at younger ages. I think men prefer women that are younger, not just for the above reasons, but they’re ego strokes and ARE naive…so if it’s an AC, he won’t have any trouble vortexing her into a relationshit.
It is harder as you get older. But if you could see it another way:…worry about those guys that WANT the younger women. Kinda makes ya wonder, yes? Let them HAVE them.
I have male friends who are MY age and are sexy, intelligent and WISE. Granted, most of them are gay, lol! BUT, they are living proof that good men are out there. My men friends that aren’t gay are still very cool people.
It’s just harder to find.
Maybe you’ll laugh, but…the coolest men I have met, are in BOOKSTORES. NO KIDDING, lol! It’s TRUE! I’m sure there are some AC”s there, but overall, I’ve yet to meet a guy there who wasn’t COOL.
I don’t know what it is about book stores, but…another one is poetry readings…
Okay, I’m admittedly weird, but anyway…
Don’t give up. Having a plan B is a great idea, just in case, anything to keep you focused on the goal of children, but not enough to set yourself up for an assclown who would be a horrifying partner, let alone a parent.
Silhouette,
What I´m going to say is not what you want to hear. But I´ll say it anyway: if you want to be a mom, have a child on your own.
I´m saying this as a mother: you´ll never have any greater commitment than the one you have with your kid. You will also never know any deeper love than as a mother. The relationship you have with any man will pale in comparison with motherhood.
I know in theory it´s comforting to be a parent with someone else, but it can make things much more difficult in practice. When my children were little, I felt like a single mother anyway because my ex was so self-absorbed he behaved like he was just renting a room in our house. Or he would act as an additional and more immature son.
Now that I´m a single mom for real, things are surprisingly easier and life is so peaceful!
I might´ve had a handy supply of sex when I was living with my kids´ father, but that was about the only advantage.
Thanks Lilia. All input about mothering as a single parent helps with my planB strategy. I need to think seriously about this in the coming year or two. Best wishes to you and i’m glad you’re at a comfortable place right now bringing up your children in the way YOU want. Thank you.
Silhouette, I’m also 39 and in the same aging-egg situation as you, and add some gyno health complications to the mix – thank you for posting and thanks for the advice you ladies have given; the next few years will be about getting job to figure out kids-plan-B and C.
To Silhouette and Magnolia: I second what Lilia said about motherhood. Every word of it. If you want a child/children, and you have a support system like immediate family nearby, or if you can afford hired help, go for it. (Single and without significant resources, I would not recommend as wholeheartedly.) Not that this is a decision that can be taken lightly. I honestly used to believe that the only way I would want to raise my children was in a two-parent home. But like Lilia, I felt like a single mother while married, too, and even though our divorce shook my world at the time, I am quite happy about how things turned out. My mom and dad are very devoted grandparents and have more than compensated for the absence of my kids’ father. They just need consistent involvement of caring adults, and if you and your environment can provide that, there is no reason to delay motherhood.
Thank you thank you thank you for listening and empathizing. It feels good to know I’m not alone in this struggle and that there’s a rainbow in the clouds. I have and am grateful for wonderful loving family and friends who I fear I have disappointed with my choices.
Im gonna try a little more honesty here: My ex is a classic narcissist. Told so by his therapist as well (he quit that along with his meds). He is very smart, very charming, and a self proclaimed con artist. He is an alcoholic like his father. He gave me an std. The kind you don’t get rid of. He’s already sleeping with someone else and given his ‘no condom’ rule I’m sure is putting others at risk.i am ashamed of my choices and now the consequences of having to tell a new partner (if I can put myself out there again) about an std.
I still worry about running into him at the workplace but fortunately it’s big enough to avoid him. There is a small part of me that wants to see him. Wants him to text call and beg my forgiveness. (Addicted to his validation)But that part is getting smaller.
Teach- reach out to someone nearby and ask for help. I know those minute to minute panic moments seem like forever.
Still NC.
Hope everyone has a great holiday and gets there heart’s desire in the new year.
he just texted : what’s up stranger. he is on to the NC. not gonna reply.
sad that it gave me a little relief and then pangs of panic. was sad that he ignored me for so long but i know this is his minute of needing his ego stroked and he will find someone else to torture.
Dear Getting There!
Do not reply..he is fishing, he can pack up his rod and tackle box and go elsewhere. I hate that they use the old ‘whassup stranger’ technique to get you to engage. When I went NC mine would text me messages clearly meant for another person, prob in the hope that he would get any kind of reply, even to say the text was not for me! I NEVER replied to any. Stay strong, stay NC. Trust me,its a process and its bloody hard but you will have no regrets.
Getting there —
You know his game now. He’s like a bad con-artist who has turned up at your door too many times before, trying to shill you his shoddy goods. In the past, you bought them and were sorry for it. He actually thinks that knocking on your door this 47th time is going to mean he can fool you all over again.
Your silence is stronger and more clear than screaming in his face. Well done, you.
Silence is an extremely under rated communication tool.
A favourite song of mine called Language by Suzanne Vega. ” If language were liquid it would be rushing in….instead here we are in a silence more eloquent than any word could ever be. ”
In a world full of extroverts, shouting to be heard, let’s baffle these AC’s with our silence. NC speaks volumes to these douchebags.
Silence Extremely powerful. I actually panicked today knowing my AC would text Merry Christmas greetings. When I saw the text come in I just shuttered. Then two more…I knew he felt loss of control and the fact that I didn’t answer made me feel stronger. I knew breaking NC would just put me back to square one so I will hold my resolve and put an end to the madness and mind phuckery that is him. Thanks to Natalie and everyone for keeping me strong.
An incurable std and a no condom rule????!!! He’s the lowest of the low, knowingly infecting his ‘partners’, he should be in jail!!!!
With tears in my eyes I read this yesterday. I restarted no contact on the 19th after 2 weeks of contact. I’m exhausted emotionally and mentally. I’ve blocked phone calls, texts, and emails but I still see the attempted call and text. I know I could just change my number. I guess that’s next. I have been in an almost 5 year horror cycle with a real manipulator and serious liar. He was emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive. It just ended with fireworks but I can finally say I’m done. I know there’s a long road ahead of me but I’m finally ready to move on.
I was absolutely certain that this post was written for me when I saw it! I’m so grateful to have found the BR site some weeks ago. I don’t think I would have been able to last this little bit of time in NC without it. I’m glad to see there is an awesome support community that surrounds this site.
Thank you all
Ayr
I am so thankful that I found BR and Natalie’s wise and wonderful posts. It has been a tough year emotionally and physically ending the AC relationship but I am healing and am thankful for the insight and will unwrap my BR binoculars on Xmas Day….ahem they are really new specs (no rose tints)from specsavers and look forward to starting a new year with clearer vision!
I am thankful for my kids, thankful for my health, and thankful for my friends and family.
I am thankful to the decent, kind, deserving, giving, wonderful people who are the community of BR who who share their stories and give sound advice. You are all amazing.
Merry Christmas Natalie and hope you and your family have a Cool Yule!
silhouette- it amazing how they are all the same and we share so much. im 37 with the same fears about my eggs and the setback im facing. i have parents who are relentless about trying to get me to move on and set me up with everyone that comes along. i am in a demanding field and have made my career my default excuse to why i was never in a relationship. physically and emotionally abused as a child and watched my mother and sister be abused. my ex NARC,EUM has played the same games- reeled me in when it suited him and then separated to see his ‘other friends’ called me last minute to show up, invited me to events/dates and then had no courtesy to even let me know he was cancelling. i forgave and forgave and forgave because i thought i needed him so badly. he is also in a prefessional field and uses his position, title, money as his identity. he thinks he is god’s gift on the outside. inside i know he is a scared damaged little boy who was bullied by his peers, abused by his parents and developed the same co-dependency that i have. only he has also tken on the role of the bully. he was threatened by my job – admitted at least once that we broke up in part becasue of his issues, and that e was always threatened by my job.
i have let him rule my thoughts and take my time. self sabotaging other areas of my life.
he blamed me for everything in the begininng of the brake up and i took it (100%). (it was MY anger that broke us up, it was because i didn’t listen to him, didn’t agree with him, I made him gain weight, i made him lose his temper) in the beginning i was perfect and he called me ‘his’ aswell- said it over and over inspite of me begging him not to.- knew i had no where to go but downhill. who is perfect? we both voiced the same dreams of family and children…. then he called me names, said i looked like a homeless person, didn’t like when i wore my hair up, my arms were too short, my boobs were too small, i put on too much weight, i was busy all the time, i didn’t cook enough, i was not okay with just moving in with him, i didn’t spend enough time at his place, started bad mouthing women in general- what they should and shouldn’t be allowed to do, i was never enough. his own fears started to emerge in the form of drinking, panic attacks, unvoiced fear of committment and voiced fear of ruining a child’s life if he became a father.
we went ring shopping towards the end, then the ring became a carrot to make me change more. i ignored and forgave all the red flags. i wanted it to work, created the illusion of him based on his empty promises and kept reminding myself of the “good times”. how no one had made me laugh as much as him and the way he would look at me or touch me. it all got outweighed by the bad.
you and i are still breathing on this earth and it gives me hope that it ain’t over for us. i don’t know how yet but i do have faith.
Thanks GT.
We really are still breathing on this earth and must be thankful for that but it’s just so frightening to think that from age 35-38.5 i’ve dated nothing but AC’s. In a post from this thread Shattered said that she thought all men were like her ex husband. i.e Good, decent men. I thought so too. It’s such a shock when you’re confronted with these AC’s time and time again. We need to hang in there, stick to what feels right and the minute a red flag appears, run! How awful that you went ring shopping and it was then used as a carrot for you, that must have felt terrible. One of the ex AC’s told me once to:
– do what i’m told
– that i’m too academic
– to be ‘nice’
– asked me if i could picture living in his town
– asked me how long i’d know someone before considering having a baby with them
– said ” we couldn’t be together as i’d cheat on you”
etc etc.
Blessing in disguise. Hugs to you….
Dear Natalie, I cant thank you enough for this wonderful site, your wise and very helpful posts, comments of our lovely ladies and gentlemen…I honestly became addicted to BR!!!
Happy Christmas everyone, love you all x
I am thankful for free will.
I am thankful for being able to opt for a “non christmassy” Christmas, because all those festive decorations would do right now is trigger horrible childhood memories.
I am thankful for NOT having to consider suicide each Christmas, as I used to, because my parents hated me so much that nothing I did for them alive seemed to appease them. I want to LIVE, LIVE, LIVE, and I am incredibly thankful that I can choose to do so!
I am thankful for being able NOT to choose spending Christmas torturing myself, beating myself up, feeling guilty and replaying all those dreadful childhood scenes in my head, as I used to.
I am thankful for my true self which has survived all those horrors, tortured and in pain, but WHOLE.
I am thankful for everyone else who has seen the light too and who is as determined as I am to break the dreadful pattern of abuse.
Elly.
I loved your post. 🙂
@K: Thank you!
I’m thankful for Natalie’s wise words.
I’m thankful for not settling/accepting less than I deserve.
I’m thankful for recognizing that I need to work on instituting better boundaries.
I’m thankful for seeing people as they are and not what I wish they were.
I’m thankful for the time I’ve taken to self-reflect, take ownership, learn, grow and heal.
I’m thankful that after 5 months of No Contact my ex-EUM/AC reached out with a pathetic email that showed me exactly who he is. I responded because No Contact seemed too avoidant and was strong enough to succinctly let him know that his contact was inappropriate and released him with love and kindness but reaffirmed my desire for no more contact firmly and resolutely. It was a gift.
I’m thankful for my friends who support me.
I’m thankful for the lessons. Pass or fail.
I’m thankful for all you BR Ladies whose stories and support inspire me to live more authentically.
I’m thankful for putting me first without diminishing the needs of others.
I’m thankful to start 2013 with a fresh perspective, open heart, and a willing spirit.
Have a wonderful holiday & Happy New Year.
Ive had some personnel probs this week and i buckled under it all , i saw my councellor and i said i couldnt stop looking at his fb and iwas basically self harming .she helped me come to terms with yhat it was well and truly over . I said i want to get him to block me she said yes , so i text and said please please block me it hurts and i need peace . Hes blocked me bf so i thought if he did it , its out of my control then and i cant look .he text back i dont know how to , why lie ? Just dont look , i told him how to do it said surly you can understand this if you care at all do this for me . He replied okay and hasnt done it . Im so tired of self harming .
Tierd,
I have been where you are except in my case it was in regards to texting.
You have control of the situation not him.
If you really are tierd of this then it is within your power to delete your account and stay off facebook until the urge to look goes away.
It is not up to him to do anything for you.
I used to wish that he wouldn’t reply to my texts or tell me to stop or block me till I came to the conclusion I have the power to stop and I did I deletes his number and I simply stopped. Sure there were tough days but I was proud I did it.
You can do it, Tierd x
Tired I have already OFFICIALLY BANNED YOU FROM FACEBOOK. And now you are contacting him about it too? Come on girl!!!
If you know you cannot block him then decativate it. Yes. DEACTIVATE IT. Some people actually manage to live and breathe without Fb you know. Why are you passing all the power back to him to block you? God what an ego trip for him? I feel sick.
You say in your post that you want him to have control.This is where you keep going wrong Tired. You have to step up and take control of this or IT WILL NEVER END. Do you still want to be obsessing about him night and day in 6 months, a year, 6 years? You can if you choose to.
Tired, You can do it. We are all here willing you on, xxx.
Jemma
I’m Soooo there with you! I really am glad I saw your post because all I want to do is call. What you said makes me feel a little more powerful, a feeling I haven’t had in a while. I’ve been laying around my house for two days and finally I’m going to BATHE and get out. I might have to blow dry my eye balls to keep the tears at bay but I’m getting out of this house.
Here’s to moving forward and leaving these horrible feelings behind. uugghh!
Ayr, I just punched the air 🙂 I’m really glad I’ve helped! Stick with it like I’m doing, it’s bloody hard but we can do it. Hugs!!
Just a little clarification – I’m not a doctor yet! Finishing the diss before Jan 7 (that’s finishing the main work). Then the powers that be will read, and I have the little matter of the defense. I will do that in March. Then I’ll be Dr. Magnolia … and will crack the bottle of Johnny Walker Blue that has been patiently waiting to be consumed all this year!
Or maybe I should wait to see if I land one of the three tenure-track jobs in my field that have come up this year?
Anyway – grateful as always for all the support. I wish I could share a finger of scotch with each one of you when the day comes!
I am also seriously grateful for BR and Natalie. I found this site in 2010 when I was six months pregnant and I don’t think that I’d’ve got this far without it.
It also helps – and I’ve said this before but it bears saying again – to read posts by seriously intelligent, sensitive, insightful and downright lovely women and to take that as proof that having been a fbg doesn’t have to mean that there’s anything wrong with me. That’s helped with the inferiority complex a lot. 🙂
Lots of love to everyone – onwards and upwards to 2013!
Amen yoghurt!
I just ended a yearlong relationship with a man after I decided he was emotionally unavailable. I found this website and I laughed my head off when I first saw the description of “assclowns,” because I’ve dated them, too. I’m so proud of myself for choosing to take care of myself, conserve my energy and to re-invest in myself, rather than depleting myself by putting more and more energy into a failing relationship.
When I met my ex-BF, I was still recovering from divorce; I was ambivalent about what I wanted from a relationship. I think I just wanted to meet a nice man to give me attention and affection, and that’s exactly what I got – someone just like me. Nice, affectionate and ambivalent. Ultimately, I kept on growing–I was seeing a therapist regularly and working on my own recovery. As the year went on, I began to feel that I was outgrowing the relationship. The last straws were sensing that the more that things got “real” in our relationship, the less attractive I became to my ex-BF. The more that the trajectory of the relationship forced my BF into situations where he might need to step up, he failed to step up in meaningful ways.
I started to see more and more disrespectful, demanding, manipulative and rude behavior from him; in the space of 2 months, I completely lost faith in him. When I broke things off, I was sad and I have been dealing on and off with periods of intense sadness. I am staying with it and I will not run away from it anymore. I realize that, as someone who has been married twice, I fell into those relationships on the rebound. My pattern has always been to start dating too soon after ending a relationship. I ended up making terrible choices for myself because I was too afraid to experience the pain and loneliness. I was too afraid of being alone. I am working through that now and I am actually enjoying spending time on taking care of me.
I am having “me” dates, where I indulge the daylights out of myself. I’m spoiling myself with little treats; meeting friends and reconnecting; exercising a lot to keep my mood up and my sleep solid; I am actively avoiding meeting new men. What’s bizarre: I was out tonight with a friend having dinner, and a man at the restaurant was fairly standing on his head trying to get me to acknowledge him and smiling at me like a fool whenever I looked his way. Years ago, I would have jumped at that attention like it was a lifesaver. Today, I could not even make eye contact with him. I actively avoided any sort of contact and actually felt a little scared. I think it was the healthiest thing that I could have experienced! Finally, sense is kicking in. Finally, I have a sense of my own value and care more for how I feel than about acquiring a partner just for the sake of not being alone.
When I am really feeling like my great, strong, centered and sparkly self again, I’ll be ready. That will take as long as it takes, and I don’t care if it takes all year. I have time. Until then, I am taking care of me, and making sure the outsides and the insides are feeling good, and my actions and intentions are clear and in alignment. Thanks, Natalie, for writing with such schwing and verve, because you obviously know from whence you speak!
Bob … you could spend a lifetime trying to extract the validation from this woman … and the next, and the next, etc., etc … Opinions of your character are subjective, and you will waste a lot of energy trying to change or control people. (That is actually boundary busting them. I’m guilty of it, as well.) What you CAN do is be the man you want to be, believe that you are doing the best you can (and do the best you can), forgive your own mistakes, and live up to your own standards. You do not need the validation of others for your worth.
Mags, you’re my hero 🙂 I’m so happy for you.
Teach, I’ve been thinking of you today and hoping you are safe, dry, warm and eating :)…
Grizelda, I’m glad you bought that bracelet! “Protection against the pathologicals” –hey that’s good. I’m getting damn good at spotting them a mile away thanks to BR and your savvy advice, and seeing myself in the accounts of others here. My mantra these days is, “Not goin’ back there, gotta keep movin’ on.” It’s working–feeling happier going it alone rather than being with another Mr. Wrong.
Happy Holidays to you, and to everyone–with the collective wisdom here on BR, here’s to hoping 2013 is our best year ever!
I am thankful this Christmas for BR and each person who contributes.
I have been on BR for a long time now and have received so much help too many people to name but thank you all.
Merry Christmas.
I too am thankful for this site. I came in to see if Nat had any wise words for the holidays, and she did!
I’ve used it over the years, mainly for the same problems, and have gotten great advice as well as found it very soothing.
The holiday season hasn’t been too bad, but I admit that with Christmas day on the dot I began to get nervous. I have kept NC for 5 (almost 6 now) months. I thought i could never do 2 weeks, but I felt a time where I just snapped, I felt desperately unhappy and decided to not make any contact. At first in the hope that he would be the one to contact me, especially during certain times, but not a sausage. So it has become these 6 months where not making contact feels almost automatic.
I’ve had twinges, I’ve had worries, so many close shaves! But I have kept a strong NC. I admit, I caved during the inevitable birthdays–but only to the most bare minimum birthday greeting/reply. Apart from that it has been silence, when I used to barrage him with every sort of attention and activity blowing smoke up his ass.
So I am thankful for the past few months. At times I feel so happy and light and free, but I have also had times of worry and sadness and brooding upon the past as it was.
I have also done a bit of the Facebook stalk and he has taken up with someone, I was about mid-NC when I found out. She looks like me too, I might be flattering myself but she’s a poor man’s version and not half as smart! But nonetheless, it’s their bed to lie in and i’m sure she’ll find out the truth of the EUM just as I have.
So I’m so thankful to BR, the people here who are such a comfort, especially as I’m miles away from home. And to Nat–without you I would not be NC. Without you I don’t think I’d be calm and composed enough to have carried on so far. Onwards and upwards!
EUM/Narcissist recognised that he could not meet my needs but then he defined my needs for me – such as settling down or the white picket fence as he always put it. This was not my need and no matter what I did to counter this he resisted and did everything possible to sabotage the relationship. Eventually I left but stayed in touch as I was heartbroken. I saw him once more and then came back to my own country for a few months. He continued contact, offered to come and see me (it was not a good time for me) and initiated intimate conversations. I felt quite vulnerable and did not open up about my feelings too much as he always changed the subject or talked about me finding someone better suited. He also talked about not wanting to be alone but it did not refer to me. He used to ask me when was I coming back to see him but I was non-committal as once again, I did not want to expose my vulnerability to him. I intended to see him again and when I contacted him 2 weeks later to discuss booking my tickets back he told me he had met someone else. I was distraught as he said he could not see me or sleep with me anymore. He said he had not slept with this person.I felt sick to the stomach and told him not to sleep with her and that he had to still sleep with me. I had to seek counselling which helped a lot. I called him a week later and we talked for an hour. He was happy to hear me as he thought I would not talk to him again – of course he wants to be friends but I told him that this was now not possible. He is now sleeping with this person and told me he liked her. I physically miss him so much (not good) and also being with him. I asked a number of questions and the outcome was that he does not desire me but retains memories of us being together and if the situation is different in the future that he would be with me. This will not happen and is probably guilt at what he did to me. I know he has done a lousy thing but has given me a way out, but then why do I feel so grief stricken and depressed? All I think is of him being with her.
you won’t see or feel it, yet, but him telling you he’s moved on is a wonderful thing. of course you’re feeling grief stricken and depressed. just because he’s a narc/EUM doesn’t mean you can’t develop feelings for him, or conjure up images of a future with him.
what really helped me was just work through the grief and pain. just sit with it, feel it. journal about it, go for walks in nature if possible.
one thing i’d highly recommend is to go NC if you haven’t done so. it may go against everything you’re feeling right now and might seem the hardest thing to do. and it is hard. i remember a friend of mine telling me i had to do it and i just completely freaked out for days. but i did do it. and i did start the healing process. yes, process.. it doesn’t happen overnight. you will most likely be rocking back and forth between feeling angry, sad, depressed, acceptance or whatever you may feel, but eventually you will get there. you will.
8 months ago I was here bawling my eyes out, trying to make sense of why my “soul mate” was suddenly not wanting me. I spent 2 months on a trial living w him, spending thousands of my money decorating the house to make it ours, and when I returned home to come back for good months later, within that week he changed. I knew he wasnt the one but for some reason I wanted him to be. so many good things I need and a few very good things he did not do or posses yet I held on.
he was distant when I came home and I became depressed. I was to move to his city for good soon and start my life over and now… it seemed it wasnt. i flew in on surprise and he refused to see me. well I got in eventually and he was sleeping with his ex. 38 porn sites on his puter of nasty weird stuff. i found alot, that he had hidden while I lived w him. the house was a fricken pig stye and he clearly was out alot. so, I came home and bawled another 2 months and realized he was an assclown sparkle throwing jerk and THIS SITE is the only thing that made me see thru clouds. cause even tho i felt in my heart he wasnt the one, we planned to marry and i would have made that mistake and had to divorce him. life was not easy during that trasition. I was pitiful and begged him a few times. then he admitted to sexually abusing a child long ago. havent talked to him in 7 months. heard he is in my town this week. funny I felt ill since then too. guess I could feel his presence :/ I hope he is doing crappy in life. I now am married. to an old friend that I knew for yrs. this breakup brought us back together and so thats my great happy ending!!!
Thankyou for your kind words everyone. I’m not doing so well but have professionals supporting me who know what ‘s happening so please don’t anyone worry about me. I don’t really think there’s a solution here though, hence, very down. I will carry your well wishes in my heart as I try hard to be brave. x
“Be thankful that you didn’t judge a book by its cover and you decided to go on a second, third etc date with someone who didn’t set off fireworks as soon as you met like all your exes did”..
This is something that I needed to read today. I have started seeing a guy that could be my first relationship since the big AC/EUM one and I am questioning it because he’s not setting off sparks. This guy is cute, smart, confident, unambiguous, kind and everything I profess to want. However I am feeling very scared and worried of course because he is a real prospect. I don’t want to throw it away because of my doubts and fears but I am beginning to wonder if I am broken…I almost feel traumatised and very rarely find myself attracted to anyone. I am going to therapy and trying to work through the baggage and have told the guy that I need things to go slow. I am just wondering, are these normal feelings? I really want to give this guy a chance.
give him a chance then. go out on a date. if you’ve been reading here, you know what to watch out for and you know that dating is a discovery phase.
so yes, get to know him. going out on a date doesn’t mean picking out your wedding dress 🙂
rebeckha, I felt the same way when I started dating a man I’ve been seeing for a few months now. I know I’m still traumatized by the ex AC and don’t feel the crazy attraction to other men I felt with AC for anyone either but life goes on and I can never go back to him so I have to go forward. I realized that I may never be completely “over” the AC experience so I needed to give this nice guy – and myself – a chance. It is different than the intensity that led me to BR. I’m having fun with the new man while still processing the experience with the ex AC so I’m just going with the flow and enjoying myself without over analyzing it.
I have found this website very helpful. I wish I had seen it sooner. A friend sent me in its direction a week ago.
I got totally played by Mr. Non Commitment. I had been sleeping with him since February with a break in the summer and I broke it off in November. He told me all the lines: he wasn’t ready for a relationship, he was so busy he couldn’t make normal plans, he might be ready for a relationship at another time. I was so crazy about him I accepted every crumb of attention. He always had excuses for why he couldn’t make normal plans, but always could make late night plans. I ended it after he cancelled on the one plan we had four hours in advance and let me know he couldn’t do New Years either. I let him know that sex was off the table unless we were dating normally. Instead of normal dates he just continued for the past month to plead his case of being too busy for any plans, while trying to see me after other plans he seemed to have plenty of time for. He has proven I made the correct decision and I called his bluff. But it still hurts to know your only purpose is to be the hidden fallback girl. The website was eye opening and is helping me understand I made the correct choice even though it hurts a lot.
What’s really sad is that you’d think that someone would get older AND wiser when it comes to men. Not so. Ladies, you have to keep on your toes! I met someone about two months ago who was so keen, full of the Future Fakery, blah blah blah. It hurt a lot when he didn’t follow through, and after a week of feeling sorry for myself, I moved on with my life. Anyway, I recognised that my reaction was more about me than him. I hadn’t gone through some traumatic but healing therapy to fall into a relationship with a man who was not going to be healthy for me. (Been there, done that with a man for 5.5 years when I was in my 30’s).
Then he rings me up after two weeks and gives me some spin. I was polite but cautious. No contact again for another two weeks, and the “I miss you so much” texts start happening. And so on, and so on, till new Year’s Day. It’s draining, it’s exhausting, and damaging to my self-esteem and self-worth to deal with a man like that. Intellectually, I knew that it was more about him than me, but my heart, my ego, felt otherwise. Then the epiphany! I realised that I didn’t want him in my life even as an acquaintance and I deleted everything to do with him. I still feel a little fragile but you know what? I’m much stronger and healthier than I gave myself credit for: fortunately, I recognised what sort of man he was before he did too much damage to my life, and I’m thankful for paying attention to that instead of getting sucked in and waking up 5.5 years later, but I do wish I had listened to myself much sooner.
But if there is anything that this experience has taught me is that, 1. I need to be vigilant about men like him, 2. that I am still vulnerable to men like him, 3. words don’t mean anything unless they are consistent with and supported by actions, and the most important, 4. I am deserving of so much more than what this man (or anyone like him) can offer and he has given me an opportunity to work on my self-esteem issues. Happy New Year everyone.
Just found out that the ex-AC is engaged to his new partner. After the initial, “Really, you?” then came the epiphany: I will never have to worry about him darkening my doorstep again with his BS. Phew! Happy New year BR readers xx
Hello there and a Happy New Year to you all,wishing us all a year ahead that will be filled with a lot more happiness and goodness.
I have visited this site often, always finding solace amongst you all that are experiencing all the same fears and moments.
I thought I was doing so well with my NC for the past 4 months. It has become easier, but I dialled my AC number today and then put it down.
I have not met anyone nor been noticed over the past 4 months. Him on the other hand is having the time of his life, he has a new girlfriend with even more women chasing him than before we were together. He got rid of an ex girlfriend who he was with when we started seeing each other but maintains contact with her as she will be the fallback girl when and if he decides he wants children.
I can’t help being upset, the tears keep rolling. I have so much else going on, lost my job, family issues. The list is endless.
I try and think I need to focus on me, on making me happy but after speaking to another guy friend who said to me guys just sex that is how they are made, I felt really disillusioned, is that what I have to look forward to yet even more men that are going to be like this.
I left my husband after 9 years as we had never slept together and he was more like a brother and friend than someone I wanted to sleep with. He never really saw me and never showed me the support and affection I so needed and craved.
I guess I am sitting here tears and all looking for some sort of reassurance that I am not so bad and unlovable that all I am worthy of is an AC who will use me, pretend to care then leave me and say it is my fault because I was too needy.
I am not sure what the key is to attracting the right ones. All I seem to have is a radar for the ACs. THey can smell me from miles away..
thank you for listening….