I have written extensively about the fact that many women ‘suffer’ with Women Who Talk and Think Too Much syndrome, where we use talking to mask inaction and expend copious amounts of brain power obsessing, analysing, and thinking about what we coulda, woulda, shoulda done and what we’re going to do next. As I read the many comments that come through each week on this blog, what I also notice is that many readers actually think that they’re guy has put a lot of thought into something that they have said or done. They then lament how he could say or do such a thing and claim that he’s done it on purpose to get her to say or think something.
So let me say something that many of you may not want to hear…
If you have a habit of being in relationships with emotionally unavailable men and assclowns, you have a habit of finding meaning where there is no meaning.
The reality is that however much conscious thought you think that your guy has applied to this thing they have said or done which has triggered you to start obsessing about what it all means and the why’s and how’s, you need to take it and divide it by a hundred and then some to get a little closer to the reality.
What you think and how you think is not what they think and how they think.
What you do and how you do it is not what they do and how they do it.
If it was, you probably wouldn’t be reading this…
A classic example of this is, you think you’re getting back together when he gets in touch with you after you’ve had no contact and you end up spending time together/having sex. He’s thinking ‘we’re hooking up’. In fact, he may not actually have thought at all.
If you know you’re with an assclown or Mr Unavailable (or both), in essence you need to consider the following before you begin your next obsession mode:
The type of guy that gives you brainache is the type of guy that’s very much of the moment. He does what suits him. If it suits him to have banana icecream now and strawberry icecream in a couple of hours, he will do this. If it suits him to speak to you for a few days and make you feel like the centre of his universe and then blank you for several weeks by going dark, he will do this.
There’s no point doing the glass is half full mentality and focusing on the fact that he was interested for a few days and ignoring his other crappy behaviour.
You were flavour of the moment and he can be very out of sight, out of mind, and quite reactive to a thought or a feeling. If he misses you for a few hours, he’ll phone you up and wax lyrical, charm you and sound like the guy you want him to be.
If he feels hemmed in, trapped in expectation, bored, or interested in someone else, he’ll ride with that feeling. The word ‘fickle’ springs to mind..
Don’t come up with bullsh*t excuses for his behaviour. He’s scared/he’s got a lot on/he’s shy/he’s trying to work out what he wants/I’m needy/maybe I’m asking too much for him to treat me with decency/I’m too uptight/he needs to be free/he doesn’t want to be tied down/he loves me but he doesn’t know how to show it.
Make your own excuses but don’t make excuses for him. He’s not a child that you need to raise from the ground up. If you need to make excuses as to why someone behaves in a sh*tty way in your relationship (or out of it), it’s a sign that you need to steer clear. At the end of the day, if he’s for instance, ‘scared’, he’s not ready for a relationship if all he’s going to do is stick with that feeling. He’s no good to you and unable to commit, which brings you full circle and puts you in the position of making the uncomfortable but needed decision.
You were flavour of the moment and he can be very out of sight, out of mind, and quite reactive to a thought or a feeling. If he misses you for a few hours, he’ll phone you up and wax lyrical, charm you and sound like the guy you want him to be.
If he feels hemmed in, trapped in expectation, bored, or interested in someone else, he’ll ride with that feeling. The word ‘fickle’ springs to mind..
You may think it’s bizarre that someone would call you up, mess around in your life, try and sleep with you etc etc when the other person knows that you have deep feelings for them, but they don’t think it’s bizarre otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it.
You don’t need a conscience to date although it would be nice to have one. They take no responsibility for how you feel and are doing what suits them and reacting, so they don’t even consider whether you can cope emotionally with whatever they do. That’s your responsibility.
If he has been blowing hot and cold, managing down your expectations, and teaching you what to expect from him, somewhere in his mind, he thinks, ‘Surely she’s got the message that this is how things are going to be if she’s with me. She knows how things are’.
You need to stop making assumptions and believing that if a man comes back that it must be because he loves you, misses you, and finds you too irresistible to stay away. You need to be asking yourself what he’s coming back for, whether he has changed, and whether he has anything to offer. These are men of diminishing returns.
Are you thinking about how you’d like him to be, what you want his actions to mean etc or are you thinking about the reality? It’s all well and good hoping he’s done a 180 and gone from cockroach to prince, but take off the rose tinted glasses and the fur coat of denial and ask yourself what you’re dealing with.
Illusions and fantasy mean that you become distanced from the reality of him. In la la land, you can have any relationship you want but it doesn’t change the reality.
Men are not like abstract art. You don’t look at them, listen to them, and then come up with your own personal meaning for their words and actions.
Unless you are both on the same page and their actions match their words, you will find that there is a conflict and you’ll flail around in ambiguity, the murky waters of illusion and betting on potential, and a relationship that’s headed for Doomsville.
This is why it’s important to have boundaries, to recognise red flags, to be action focused rather than word focused, and to ensure that you don’t keep flogging at that donkey till it collapses whilst your emotional investment goes into negative equity. These are the things that teach you the real meaning of what is happening in your relationship and the real meaning of his actions.
Your thoughts?
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My favorite was/is (because he keeps trying to get in touch, bless his heart, even though I blocked and I haven’t responded in months) when he “comes back” from one of those “managing down expectations” times, after I didn’t even make a “hint” at contacting him. You would have thought that I was the best thing that ever happened to him…”just can’t live without you” (ummm…newsflash you live 1,000 miles away from me–your choice), “don’t know what I will do if you’re not in my life/we’ll always be in each others lives” (not anymore), OR, my personal favorite, “I will always want you” TRANSLATED (by me) this actually means: “I want to have sex with you because obviously the sex I’m having here isn’t as good or I’m bored with it.” Truth is, when you really wake up to all of this, it actually becomes quite sad and yet comical at the same time. Thanks NML for one of your best posts yet.
Thanks NML! This article really helped me a lot. This describes my manclown to a tee. When he was hot, he was hot, when he was cold, he was cold. He liked to “cut me off” whenever he felt like it – for days at a time. Once I started standing up for myself, he didn’t want me anymore. Because when I “spoke”, I was too “bossy”. He tried to “lay out the rules” of how he was going to be, but I am not a subordinate to anyone, especially a man, so we had BIG problems. One time he actually told me “I wear the pants and you think you have them!” I said in return “No, actually you have one leg and I have the other!” HAHA, He didn’t like that. It was his way or the highway, period. And I put up with it more than I should have, because that is not ME. I was the Queen of making excuses for him when he said things and didn’t back them up with actions. He was the King of “all talk and no action.” NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING ever worked out the way he said or promised it would. I was stood up on airline flights at the last minute, spa treatments, getaways, you name it. He was terrible. There was no ACTION. I got so frustrated in the relationship, I learned not to expect anything or believe anything he said. I was settling and he wasn’t trying hard enough to see me. I can’t believe how pathetic I felt and disappointed all the time, not to mention that he lied to me all the time. This is a very timely and helpful post.
Ohhh NML this was sooo good!!! and so true. I was talking with a guy recently, somone I work with who by his own account thinks I’m wonderful. He is a grand talker, very smooth, but I’ve been reading my daily Baggage recalim posts and working on myself so I’m getting better (b/c as i’ve said before we women who deal or love these types of men are ill). I had to go away for work one week and I did not hear from him and I did not call him. When I got back I lost my cell phone. When i returned to the office he came into my office and told me that he had called me and that I didn’t call him back and how he needs attention and won’t be igored. By this time my nostrils were flaring and I told him I need attention too,and not just the sex kind. How dare he??? He needs attention. He hasn’t done not one darn thing to show me how much he cares, but he talks a damn good game. I’ve left him alone, I don’t call him and I don’t care if he doesn’t call me. “Actions speak louder than words”, “words are dime a dozen”, “Love is a verb”. “talk is cheap” all these little adages really help me to keep focused and not get bogged down with Assclowns and EUM. Men who want to be with you will put in the time to be with you. they won’t talk about how much they want you, they’ll show you with the amount of attention, time and care they will shower on you. Don’t tell me, show me, is my motto.
OMG my ex EUM is just like that.After the break up when I asked to be friends he didnt contact me for weeks seeming to not be interest and then all of sudden he started to text me everyday(something he didnt do when we were together) like if he couldnt be away from me.At that time I thought he was doing it because he missed me and wanted to be around but as I found out later he just was interested in the sex.Is just like NML said,he does what suits him.He didnt fell like talking to me after the break up so he didnt,he did felt like it a few weeks later so he did it too.How extremely selfish they can be.It had nothing to do with missing me or anything else about me,it was all about him.And I falled for it but that was the last time because if he tries again he will find the door shut this time.
When I am clear that actions say everything, and don’t make ANY excuses for poor behavior from someone else, be it personally or professionally, I feel really good about myself.
And I’m not in pain, wondering “why’ or fearing abandonment by someone who really and truly isn’t there for me the way I ultimately want him to be.
Facing the facts and having healthy boundaries gives me a life free of drama, and not having an assclown it in actually isn’t a hardship.
An assclown can only be one if I allow his b.s/him in my life to play his games.
When I put a halt to allowing him in my life as soon as I notice the red flags, I notice I don’t have horrible men in my life and I’m not crying at night or feeling anxious or living in fantasy.
I don’t interpret anymore. I see what is.
Your website has helped me so much, NML !
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Happy Bookworm
I have been reading this site for about one month now, and quite frankly it has only embeded my scattered thoughts of what I look for in a relationshiop…I DON’T WANT TO KEEP THE CYCLE GOING!!!… needless to say, I was wise enough to end my relationship with my EUM… I no longer count the NC days…. Does that mean I’ve wisen up and taken the true road to discovering myself and love myself more?… I think so!!!! …. You guys are all amazing, stay strong.
EXCELLENT post. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t get tripped up, ladies. 🙂
Oh this is sooo timely. When my ex EUM use to blow hot to get me to give hime the ego stroke/ shag he wanted he use to say things like I love you and I miss you. One thing I have realised about these types of men is they can say I love you like it just rolls off the tongue and stupidly women like me (for a short while) believe it. What I will say is that just because a assclown/ eum says I love you doesn’t mean they actually do!!! They are using it to get what they want out of you! There actions contractict it most of the time anyway!
I have never been in a relationship with a EUM/ assclown before but my ex had me hook, line and sinker and now I am left to pick up the pieces while he has moved onto his next victim! I am currently on anxiety tablets and anti depressents as I have had so much s**t with him that I am trying to re-builed my life, self esteem, confidenece and try to get back to the happy go lucky person I once was.
My ex was out on Friday evening as was I and he threw a drink over me and hit me. In the past I may have analsyed this as him meaning he loves me but I have woken up to the fact that he now has a new victim and he has moved on I am no longer of any use to him as I won’t put up with the bull s**t anymore. This other woman is going to be in for one hell of a ride on the emotional rollacoaster he puts her on.
Thanks NML
The Cat
“their actions match their words”. This came up just recently on another blog, and I have realized that neither their words nor their actions are speaking the truth, unless…they are both congruent. All the rest is bull.
speaking my truth’s last blog post..How Will We Love?
To TheCat,
I’m very happy that you’ve gotten yourself away from that man. Anyone who hits you and humiliates you is a lowlife!! As NML and countless others have said, “love is not pain”, pain is pain! I wish you all the best in your journey to self-love and acceptance and stay strong! You deserve the very best!
This is pretty darn insightful.
I like the idea of looking at what was given or said and dividing it by 100 to get closer to how much it really meant.
Right now I am angry at what I used to think were the best things about me… my optimism, my hard work, my logic and my my faith that things work out…those qualities are precisely the things that let me lose my vision of reality with the EUM.
I want to paint a picture and put this great line (slightly modd’d) from this post under it. Remember to not let myself engage in bs and get fooled again, by me or anyone else.
“People are not like abstract art. You don’t look at them, listen to them, and then come up with your own personal meaning for their words and actions.”
Thank you so much for this site NML. I have recently developed some feelings for this guy I know and he seemed to respond positively. He was all over me but I kept my distance and with the help of this site and all of the good advice here I stayed in the here and now and just observed his actions before I started building castles in the sky. Good thing I did… turns out he is sleeping with some woman while at the same time hovering over me.
Well, too bad for him but I don´t play that way anymore. No need for drama. I have no trouble letting this one go.
Because contrary to before I found this site I haven´t slept with him, haven´t kissed him even and haven´t phantazised about our wedding and future children 😉
So yay! I´m getting better!
To Aphrogirl:
I really like and understand what you said about be proud of all the qualities you had that made you lose vision of reality. I totally agree with that and that is what I have also been struggling with.
To truthhurts:
You should be so proud of yourself to have gained such insight and were able to avoid another life disaster. I really like how you said “before I started building castles in the sky.” I am sorry that you had another disappointment, but I am so glad you handled it the way you did and were able to identify what type of guy he was before you fell hard for him, and you were so strong to be able to avoid the pitfalls that cause us to fall for assclowns. Yeah!
What a great article…
After 104 or so days of no contact exEUM rang we chatted for a bit mostly about inconsequential stuff, but the thing that got me was how much I should appreaciate his calling me.
He apolozised for the last four or five times we met up saying he wasn’t himself and very stressed out.. Well we have times of stress and it really isn’t in my book an excuse to treat someone badly and to constantly lie to them. I decided not to say anything to him because I had talked before and clearly stated my issues with him and he was unwilling to change and I may as well be having a conversation with the wall. The conversation ended with him saying I can call him anytime if I would like too again I said nothing so he said bye but added in he will be calling again.
I can see he is not looking to change or do anything but put in a minimal effort in order to get an ego stroke from me…
Maybe my action of silence is enough to put him off once he realizes I meant what I said that we cannot be friends. Concerning him fickle and childish spring very much to mind.
I have just had an horrific few days, but strangely today I feel weirdly proud of myself. The EUM who I never had an intimate relationship with but who I expressed intesest in (with him rejecting me meanly, the redflag that had me runningthe other way fast) contacted me again and I thought I could be his friend. Well the weirdest thing happened, I got the wrong end of the stick about something I thought he had done and I turned into a she-devil. I accussed him, rather than ask him about something in a short email and amazingly I recieved three massive emails of abuse back, it was amazing… with each email I sent back I answered very shortly my strongest pain point about him, accurate and true of his past behaviour. I recieved seven massive emails with all kinds of abuse and accusation…it was incredible we were like children. I was so ashamed of myself, but then I woke up this morning feeling very very empowered. I think what happened was him getting back in touch infuriated me so much I used it as a way to tell my truth hit back and let him know he was an abuser. I told him I would never ever ever forgive him for his raging, his passive aggression and his verbal abuse, it was like I was emptying all his shit and giving it back. I feel great!
A friend said and very accurately..De when you were a child something so bad happened to you you made a desision there and then never ever to be mean to anyone and this is why you are in toruble, there are people out there that do not deserve to be treated with kindness in return for their abuse, you just stuck up for yourself, good for you. What was really nice was having a friend know something about me I didn’t know about myslef, but as soon as he said it, I remembered exactly the moment that I as a child I made the desicion never to mean to anyone for the rest of my life. Everytime I am it breaks my heart that I have broken a solemn promise and I spiral into self hatred for not being the person I want to be. I have to rewrite this script. Whew blasting through the blocks to self protection is a hard but ultimately satisfying experience. But still the residue of ‘yuk I feel awful at being mean’ still lingers. Thank you for this site NML. After the eperience I came back here and read and read and read until I knoew what I did was right, otherwise he would just be pulling my strings again and I would be feeling used.
De, very good that you stuck up for yourself! You should be proud! Maybe it turned out a bit childish as you say but he could have chosen to respond calmly and mature to your expression of appaerantly deeply rooted anger. The fact that he didn´t and started sending abusive emails back says a lot about him. You are so lucky that the relationship with this guy never materialized.
De, I was thinking about how a good guy (or how we ourselves) would respond to an angry email like yours. I would really like a guy to say “I must have hurt you so deeply that you are this angry with me..”
Sadly most EUMs don´t posess this kind of empathy and that is exactly what enrages us in the first place. They just become defensive or twist things around into us thinking our emotions aren´t justified.
We really shouldn´t want to be with guys like that. And if we do, we have to ask ourselves why..
De
Liked your post. Recently got to know this guy and thought we were compatible in many ways. He asked me out to dinner and a play and I thought all was going well until the end of the evening when he kissed me on the lips and held my hand and as I liked asked if we could do it again.
Then I got the speech that there were complications and I asked if we could work around them (thinking it was because I have kids) but no, he had a gf overseas and that they were still involved. I immediately felt terrible about the evening and that his gf almost certainly had no idea. His one small redeeming feature is that he didn’t try anything else and I bid him goodnight.
Next day I got a text thanking me for the evening and later a phone call but I played it cool because I knew what I wanted to say to him could only be said in person. I agreed to meet him later in the week.
A couple of days before meeting him again I spoke with a trusted gf feeling really terrible about being a potential other woman and she said that I had done nothing wrong as I had not known of his current gf but she urged me to really take it right to the wire about what had transpired.
Well today went to his house and I’m greeted with a kiss on the cheek as I got out of my car which threw me but played it cool as I wanted him thinking things were OK. He then asked me to attend a sports fixture this weekend with him but managed to change the subject as I was not ready for the kill just then.
Just before I was about to leave he wanted to have a word about Saturday. He said that things seemed to have fizzled out between him and his gf but he was hoping to repair the relationship and that we probably would never be bf/gf. This was met with me asking if he was trying to save his relationship why was he going out on things that could be construed as dates saying to my mind that dinner and theatre on a Saturday date would probably mean a date to most people particularly in absence of any information about a gf. This was countered with him saying he had lots of women friends that he went on outings with to which I asked if his overseas gf knew of such arrangements watching try to wriggle out of that one.
In the end I got in my own zinger and thanked him for teaching me an invaluable lesson about always checking with a male who asked you out whether it was a date or not even when it appeared to be and that at least now I was free to meet someone else who was truly free. He went on to say that he hoped we could be friends and visit each other and go out sometimes and I was very non-committal.
Time to turn the tables as I refuse to be the fallback plan even if it is platonic – he’s just after the ego stroke because his smoochum’s got cold feet – he’d better watch out ‘cause I’m gonna pack it down hard.
Good for you Snook, makes me feel better about standing up for myself to hear your story, wow, to be so assertive!!, hope to get to your level, I still have some way to go :). I wonder if his girlfriend is instinctively getting red flags without him even being there, and is running for the hills herself, and ewww setting plan B up in case she doesn’t come back, whata slimeball!!
Truthurts, that’s exactly it, we would have seen their distress and tried to work it out with them, I was thinking the same thing. These men are incredible, really, what a friggin world!! Grrrr ::))
xxx
And isn’t it funny that I know all this, yet even after getting out of a relationship where I was treated like I didn’t exist, I walked open-eyed into one exactly like it. I can’t really blame him – he never made promises or portrayed himself as anything but a player – but I filled in his gaps with my hopes and got played anyway. Now I feel like a moron. I thought there was something meaningful there, but once again I forgot that there is something about me that makes guys run. I just don’t know what it is.
Gee, Brad, if I felt like a moron before . . . . I really dislike drama, don’t even watch TV or movies, had terrific parents, and have no tolerance for disrespect. Seriously, do you see lack of respect for others??? My self-respect has good days and bad days – a huge improvement from formerly when there where only bad days. And I didn’t say I was a moron, just that I felt like one. I know there are no easy answers, and don’t expect to improve without work. Thanks for your comment, though, whatever it was. Did I miss your point?
I only meant that despite my efforts, it is so easy to slide into old patterns and even intelligent women sometimes only see what makes them happy at the moment. Constant vigilance can be wearing, but forgetting even for a moment opens the door to mistakes.
brokenheartedbabble, Sorry I missed so badly. By drama I meant the tension and turmoil in relationships, not fiction or media stories. Some people can’t find a way to relate without anger, or depression, or ridicule. That is drama.
What I meant to say – was that there is no reason to feel like a moron, to please forgive yourself for feeling that way.
Brad K.’s last blog post..BR: Commitment, a perspective
brokenheartedbabble.
I totally understand what you mean and are trying to say. You are not a moron. I can totally relate to what you are saying. I too was in a relationship where I felt I didn’t exist. It is terrible to have trusted someone and feel so used. And yes, intelligent women, can have this happen too. All I can say is hang in there. I am only four months out from the end of a bad relationship and am still having a terrible time.
I’m so glad I found this article, NML. I may have read it before, but I was in a different world then. This really hit home for me …
‘Surely she’s got the message that this is how things are going to be if she’s with me. She knows how things are’.
Yep! That’s it. No matter what he did, said or sounded like … he had told me the deal. If I were to ever ‘miss-read’ anything, he always fell back to that. He is the Master of Confusion. He would be sitting on my couch one day, telling me how special our relationship is and the next day scolding me for thinking we even had a relationship!
How awesome to be able to live in the moment and be able to do and say and ask for ANYthing he wants without guilt.
He had me right where he wanted me – trapped in my own inability to let him go. As long as I didnt, I was saying “okay” to whatever he wanted. Last time I hinted that I couldnt take much more, he told me ‘Fine, dont bother coming back then.’ (nice threat) … well, this time, for the first time, I’m not going back.
He will never get the opportunity to reject me again.
Weellll I got the message last night from the A/C. “Can we talk” I couldnt help it so I told him to call me. He told me about some pretty serious stuff going on in life with his divorce. Then at the end of our conversation he asks me for something. I thought it was weird that he would even be thinking about this trivial thing at time like this. I really want to believe that he would not lie about the allegations his ex made against him just to get me to talk to him. It would truly rise him to a scumbag of biblical proportions. When I woke up this AM I found two calls and 1 VM to call him. So I did. He sounded in a good mood and was joking with me. Again I think its strange. He has told me other things that I didnt believe only to find out later that they are true. Of course it has been the other way around too. The other things he lied about were pretty much to my face and there was nothing for me to find out because the evidence was in front of me. He asked me to meet up with him and I said “no” that I had plans. Then he called right back and apologized for asking me that maybe it was too soon to see eachother. He said that he was sorry for the way he treated me and felt really bad. We had a long conversation about what had happened and he admitted that he got scared and put a wall up because he was falling for me so hard and up until him doing a 180 on me he did seem to be falling for me. We did not talk about getting back together so I’m not sure what his intentions are. I will not sleep with him. NOWAY. What if he acted like such a jerk because he did want to push me away and is being sincere about what he is telling me? Does that scenario ever happen? or only in the movies? Its hard because we had never broken up so I dont know if this is the pushy pully or what. I really want to know if he is lying about the allegations from his ex. If I find that out that will be the nail in the coffin for sure. I would have no problem never seeing or talking to him again. I am really leaning to telling him that I just dont wish to have him in my life at all. If this were right then I wouldnt be so confused. Please tell me what you guys think
Hi Brad,
No No his divorce has been final for about two years. They have just been going back and fourth with a custody battle for the kids ( he has always wanted 50/50 she wants something like 90/10) and dividing the property for this long. He adores his children and would like nothing more than for this whole court thing to just end. I’ve seen some of the documents and have to say that she is the one prolonging the situation. I would never EVER date a married man.
In light of this information do you see my situation differently now. I think two plus years is enough time to heal from the divorce they werent married that long. Maybe he is trying to tell me that he is wounded though by saying that he did get scared and put a wall up. I think he can’t help that at this point and if I were to give him another chance would just do it again. What do you think?
Its funny I didnt intentionally post to this particular article of the overthinking what men say. But I went back and read it and I think its sort of symbolic. He may just be living in the moment of missing me and I shouldnt be making excuses for him. But how do I know for sure? What if I send him away when he was being honest?
Good gods, Brad, if you did not describe Sad Kitty’s EUM, you got mine, a ringer!
Now I am walking wounded. It’s a transmissible malady. Laides beware! Oh and any men I might date might also take precaution…
HI Brad,
Yes I have a some time to think about this. There are just too many what ifs. If he is telling the truth about the allegations then he is going to have some much shit on his hands that he is not going to be able to have anyone else in his life. What if he just contacted me because he was seeing someone and they just got into a fight and he needed an ego stroke? The fact that I am even questioning weather or not he is telling the truth should be a red flag to me. No, I’m keeping my distance from him. Thanks Brad
Brad and ladies,
Anyone who is going through the “what ifs” is simply kidding themselves. I understand that it is so much easier to blame ourselves for EVERYTHING that went wrong in a relationship. But we need to remember that it takes TWO to make a lasting and respectful relationship. If we as women have to keep making excuses for him, then there is a real problem. And it is not with just him, it is also with us. Do you realize that if we STOP allowing this bad behavior, no one would ever be able to be hurt by these bad behaving men. Goes the other way too, of course. But I guess what I am trying to say is this;stop blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong. I tend to analyze everything, over and over, and if I feel I have done everything I could short of selling my soul, well, then, bye bye. Sorry for the rant.
The above discussion is quite frustrating for the average guy to read. It embodies a rather patronizing attitude to men – that they are emotionally retarded, and that women are far more sophisticated when it comes to relationships.
This attitude may make women feel better – particulalrly after a bust-up – but it is rather inaccurate.
Only a small proportion of men behave in the way described in the article. Most men – like most women – are reasonably caring and considerate.
The problem is that certain women do not find the average caring man particularly attractive. It’s not that women explicitly choose to be with difficult men. But they do like to be with alpha male types. They want a male that is ultra self confident and cocky. Women can’t help themselves but be attracted to this type of guy.
The problem is that such males – although attractive to women – are not particularly good or reliable partners. Some women will suffer for the rest of eternity with this minority of guys.
And some women will also seek to portray such bad behaviour as representative of “men” in general. After all, that is a much easier thing to believe than to admit to poor judgement.
And ordinary men will continue to feel frustrated at how women often like to stereotype them as the bad guys in relationships.
Bill,
This site is for a select group of men and women: Emotionally unavailable.
I can say for myself, I am looking for a sweet, considerate and honest man to be a part of my life. My ex was not the type I would have been traditionally attracted to but seemed seemed to be a sincere, wonderful person, boy was I wrong, he turned out to be the most painful experience in my life. This man (53 yrs. old) pursued me aggressively-many I love yous’- as soon as I returned his feelings he bailed. Cruel!!!!
So, just as the article may seem to lumping all men into one category, it seems as if you may be doing the same,
By the way, I love men and know there are many decent and caring men out there!
I’ve really been a victim of seeing meaning where there is no meaning. “I don’t want to have sex with someone I don’t care deeply about so certainly this man I love feels the same.” It has taken me a long time to realize that sex to a man doesn’t always mean love, affection, or even that they like you. It always make me think of what Chris Rock the commedian says, “a man is only as faithful as his opportunities.” I guess that is a stereotypical thing to say. As soon as a man prooves it wrong I will stop being sterotypical.