The dating world is a complicated one full of dodgy dates, misconceptions, and pigeon holing galore, and none more so than with the quintessential hard-done-by Mr Nice Guy. But, are ‘Nice Guys’ really that ‘nice’?
Trust me, it’s not because you’re the ‘Nicest Guy On Earth’ why you can’t pick up women – it’s either because you’re barking up the wrong tree, you’re mistaking certain qualities or characteristics for ‘nice’ when they are actually hindrances, or you’re actually just not that nice.
I believe there are four types of ‘Nice Guy’:
Assclowns, Bastards, and Jerks in Nice Guy Clothing
Men have far bigger egos and more self-esteem than women, which means that they often do not see themselves as they really are. Even if they’re cheating, beating, stealing, and generally dishonest, these guys would STILL sit there and tell you what a great guy they are. There are so many forums full of disgruntled men that blame ‘bitches’ that love Bad Boys for everything that’s wrong with their universe who have decided that they’re not playing nice and they’ll sleep with prostitutes from now on – What’s so nice about this?
Quick solution: These men need to get real about who they are and stop fronting. Only then might they actually learn to deal with their assclown selves.
The ‘Those Who Doth Protest Too Much’ Crowd
I have a rule of thumb which has stood me well for several years: If you need to keep saying how ‘nice’ you are, you’re not really that frickin’ nice. Genuinely nice people don’t go on about it and keep ramming it down your throat; they just are. Imagine if someone went around saying ‘I’m a really honest person’? It’s expected as a basic requirement of a decent human being that you are honest and act with integrity, so why make a point of it? Unless you’re not really what you profess yourself to be… I tend to find that the men who protest too much about being ‘nice’ are the very men who need to address the fact that there are OTHER characteristics that are holding them back. This also falls under the Poor Pathetic Me Whine
Quick solution: Shut up and put up. Nobody needs to hear how you’re the nicest person ‘ever’ – be yourself and just get on with being. If you’re acting nicer than you actually feel, you will end up being resentful and full of anger anyway.
Nice but boring or passive or unassertive or even silent
Nice doesn’t mean roll over. It doesn’t mean that a guy should play down strong characteristics such as assertiveness or ambition, and make out like he has hidden depths deep beneath a bushel. Not everybody can be an all-singing, all dancing, extrovert with perfect qualities, and nor would we want them to be, but people need to wise up to the fact that certain characteristics will hold you back regardless of the situation. If you lack assertiveness for instance, it won’t just hold you back on dates; you may find your efforts at work go unrecognised, or people may generally take advantage of you.??Quick solution: Recognise that these qualities that you may perceive as negative can be harnessed and used to your advantage. Spend some time getting to grips with the core characteristics that are holding you back and find out how to build and improve these skills.
Genuinely Nice Guys
Of course they exist and I am a firm believer that these men aren’t even bothering to label themselves as ‘nice’ or looking for love in the wrong places. They are emotionally available, have a decent respect for women and relationships, they have enough self-confidence to bring to the table, and they’re not trying to second-guess what the women think so that they can mould themselves accordingly. Unfortunately they will often end up picking up the pieces of women’s past relationships as they get tarred with the same brush and if they aren’t careful, they can end up becoming any of the above.
Quick solution: Be careful of other people’s emotional baggage as it may weigh you down – or become your baggage.
Just an excuse?
The term ‘nice guy’ is a blanket term used by women as an excuse to not pursue a second date and to give a wishy-washy reason for their lack of interest.
When a woman uses this excuse you will hear words and phrases such as:
‘boring’ ‘too nice’ ‘too quiet’ ‘not exciting enough’ ‘didn’t make me feel horny’ ‘would make a great friend’ ‘no sparks’ ‘unassertive’ ‘bland’ ‘would rather watch paint dry’ and the list goes on…
Men use it as the ideal blanket excuse for their lack of dating success. Can’t get past date number two? Oh, it must be because I’m too nice/They don’t ‘get’ me/I don’t wanna treat her like sh*t/I’m a decent guy/I want to treat her like a princess and she wants to be treated like she doesn’t exist and bla, bla, bla.
Hence it would seem that whether women or men are speaking about the whole ‘Nice Guy’ issue, it’s all a bit of a get out option – the woman doesn’t have to delve any deeper into why she’s not attracted to him, even if it actually stems from something negative within her, and the guy gets to duck out of confronting any real problems and blindly chooses to bumble along assuming that he’s God’s gift to the nice boy camp.
Many women are attracted to men that reflect the negative things that they believe about themselves, love, and relationships. This is why there is this common misconception that women are chasing Bad Boys/Jerks when really, these women are drawn to and draw in relationships that cater to the negativity factor.
The fundamental problem with the whole Nice Guy saga is that Nice Guys who profess to be having problems with women because of their oh-so-nice qualities are the very men who are chasing women who don’t want them. They love women who barely recognise their existence and trample all over them and then sit there bemoaning their lack of dating success.
When a guy who believes that being ‘nice’ is standing in the way of his dates and relationships, he needs to step back and ask himself whether the types of women that he is chasing automatically create the problem.
It’s like this vicious circle, and the very thing that Nice Guys are lamenting about women is the very thing that they are doing themselves. It’s no different for men than it is for women: If you keep finding yourself in the same situation, at the same relationship crime scene, you need to start looking a little closer to home and ask what YOU are doing to contribute to the situation.
So I ask, are ‘Nice Guys’ really that ‘nice’ and are they getting a raw deal?
Your thoughts?
Also read:
Is women loving jerks and Bad Boys really a dating myth?
Average Men Turned Upside Down
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All I have to say is Amen sister! Nice guys, self proclaimed or not, are usually wolves in sheep’s clothing. Or whiners. Neither of which is at all attractive.
Unfortunately, since the proliferation of “player’s” sites etc., giving tips for supposed ‘nice’ guys to ‘bag a chick’ it is getting more and more difficult to distinguish the sheep from the wolves.
Or dogs in this case.
Really nice guys, truly nice, treat you with respect and command respect themselves.
Guys too frequently aren’t themselves, either mistakenly believing that women won’t like them if they are nice or the opposite, that women won’t like them (read-be attracted to them) if they are assertive.
Women do want nice guys, who happen to want to be a little bad on occasion – in the good way of course. Just a ‘real’ man, just as they want a ‘real’ woman. Not always nice, not always naughty, but real…
I don’t have much experience with the “Nice Guy” because I am always drawn to the quiet, withdrawn EUM who generally doesn’t treat me well. But, I can see where a “nice” guy might have skeletons in his closet that aren’t very “nice.” Doesn’t it just come down to something as simple as….being yourself? It seems when we start a dating relationship, everybody wants to put their best foot forward, which is fine, but I also think it’s about honesty and building a level of trust where you can truly be yourself with someone–skeletons and all. I guess the older I get, the more I have a problem with playing games with people, and I just want to GET REAL, and interact with others in an honest and truthful way. But again, I don’t think I have EVER really had a relationship with what is classified as a “NICE” guy. Perhaps that’s part of the problem….hmmmmm.
FinallyOverIt, I think that conducting yourself with honor, with courtesy, and with respect, is a social skill that not all kids learn. When kids start dating the hormone rushes are on, providing pressure to *do something* – and are young enough that every mistake hurts. Many never find the role models or information to learn better.
As we get older we notice that most of the singles our age – are still waiting to learn basic courtesy, respect, and honor. At the same time we find we value stability, dependability, discipline, respect, trust, etc. in others.
Perhaps instead of wine tastings and speed dating, we should flock to ‘Respect 101’ seminars and the formal courtesy and discipline of ballroom dancing. We may have to guide our mates to improve those social skills they lack, when we start with a worthy mate prospect.
Brad, great idea, but you can’t teach an old dog
new tricks.
Honestly, I think we just have to get right back down to brass tacks.
Trusting ourselves, trusting our own judgement and most importantly, trusting our gut.
Too many confusing messages are being thrown about these days. You have to know yourself.
What is a ‘nice’ guy to me, might not be a nice guy to you and vice versa.
Maybe that’s why it’s so important to be real, not only with the men we date but with ourselves before we even try to get into looking for someone.
I have not always made the best choices, hell who has, but, I have learned the hard way that trusting my gut and knowing what I want for myself and knowing who the assclowns vs nice guys are to me has made all the difference in the world.
Nice Guys, are just generally men that take crap without getting angry. Men who allow their women to disrespect them in a way they would never let their friends do. Thats a nice guy gone wrong.
Brad K., I really like your idea about the ballroom dancing. Obviously, the more “modern” way of interacting with the opposite sex sometimes doesn’t work very well, so why not revert back to an activity that seems to command mutual respect and boundaries? Plus, I just like to dance! 🙂
NML, good post. The Nice Guy has a big negative connotation attached to it, when in reality we mean geek, chode, loser, dork, or any of a number of less flattering terms. Most guys are “nice.” Hell, I’m nice. But I’m not a Mr. Nice Guy.
I define a Nice Guy very simply. He’s a guy who is mediocre. By mediocre, I mean he has no social skill and, even worse, no motivation to improve his social skill. He’s got no amibition and no determination. Usually lacks in boldness, and probably lacks courage. This creates many problems, most of which you hit on above. He doesn’t understand women, doesn’t communicate well, is emotionally disconnected, and, most damning, doesn’t understand himself. To top it all off, he lacks in masculinity and approaches asexuality. Yuck.
The bitch about it is the majority of men are capable of rising out of the mediocrity morass, if only they knew how. Just reading a few books or talking to the right people could do it. We’re just not EVER taught the things we really ought to be learning, such as how to succeed in relationships and thus succeed in life.
I agree with you to a large extent but unfortunately many men think that learning social skills is about learning ‘tricks’ and ‘skills’ that help them to seduce and dupe women. I think that the atypical nice guy that gets walked all over fits your description perfectly. If only guys could find a balance…
Men have the bigger ego? This must of been written by a woman!
Great article. Really like. I feel “nice guys” are often whiny self obsessed puss-ays. And it is true- They often do the very act they accuse women of doing.