‘The way you make me feel’ You really turn me on’ Michael Jackson.
It’s comforting to know that the next line wasn’t ‘But it’s a shame about [insert whatever bugs you here].’
I recently sat with a woman who was lamenting her relationship woes. She was miserable because she thought that she was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend, yet at times during the conversation I was genuinely alarmed at the amount of fault finding and nit picking that she did. It was only when I asked her how she felt around him that she admitted that this guy makes her feel cherished, loved, and so happy when I’m in his company. When we’re apart I feel so down, yet she was too busy clinically analysing and scrutinising the guy, questioning his appearance, the way he speaks, and comparing their intellectuality.
It’s amazing how we have the ability to switch from focusing on how we feel around a person to what they are or do, depending on the type of man we’re around. Be with a total bastard and we waste no time in saying how in love we are, how the earth moves, and how the sun rises and sets on his arse. But be with a nice guy that treats us well and we start pulling apart his character or personality as if we’re on the dating equivalent of X Factor/American Idol. Simon Cowell may have a razor sharp tongue for people who can’t hold a note and have misguided ideas about that pop star destinies, but let him spend some time around a woman who wants to pick faults with her guy, and even he could be rendered silent.
I’ve been in relationships with guys where I felt like I was walking under a dark cloud. I felt edgy, nervous, ill at ease, and sometimes downright miserable with some of these assclowns. Naturally with these guys, there were some great highs but more often than not some even greater lows that catered to that drama that we can all be a sucker for. If I had paid more attention to the way I felt around some of the men in my past, my relationship history would be very different. Instead how I felt and what was coming out of my mouth or focusing my thoughts on were very rarely in tune.
It’s all very well going out with a bastard that treats you mean and keeps you keen as he throws you a bottle of perfume or a dress by way of apology, uses sex to create the connection, and toys with your emotions and the relationship like a yo-yo, but at the end of the day when you break it down, you’ll still feel like sh*t. Your self-esteem will have taken a knock and you’ll be wondering who that shadow of their former self is that’s looking back at you in the mirror.
When someone makes us feel good, great, or even amazing and it’s not just because they know how to shag you right, but because they treat you and the relationship with respect, you feel comfortable, trusting, happy, and are not being mucked around over the status of the relationship, many of us can feel suspicious. He gets put under scrutiny, when in fact you should be embracing what you have and enjoying it, instead of stamping all over it. If only we applied the critiquing that we dole out to a guy that’s not challenging our drama buttons to the men that mess us around, we’d find ourselves much happier and cut out a lot of our relationship misery.
It doesn’t matter what feelings you profess to have if the person actually makes you feel miserable as a result of being around them or the type of relationship that you engage in with them. Saying it and feeling it are two different things and if they don’t match, you have bigger questions to ask yourself.
So the next time you’re slagging off the guy you’ve been dating or in a relationship with, dig a little deeper and ask yourself how you feel around him. If he makes you feel like a million dollars, why ditch him for the guy that makes you feel like loose change at the bottom of his laundry basket.
Add to favorites
Thanks for the great message. Sometimes we need reminders that we find what we look for – either joy or problems.
The way he makes me feel – miserable!! He’s a workaholic and he admits it. I thought we were growing closer, he pulls away, time and again. I called him on it this time when I finally noticed the pattern.
He admitted to withdrawing when work stresses him out and putting the walls up, and he has no time for anything but work work work, and still not enough hours for that. I can’t break down his walls and told him he has to find a way to let me in. It wasn’t an ultimatum, I told him I won’t push, but we’ve been “getting to know each other” for 2 years now, and I won’t wait another two years.
He is not dating others, I know this for a fact, whereas other times when this happend, I ended our “friendship” and moved on. I say friendship vs relationship because he has only ever viewed this as such. My response is friends don’t share what we have shared (no, not sex).
I still think he’s one of the good ones, a nice guy, (he’s very nerdy and straight, not a bad-boy at all) but he needs help with relationships.
Am I kidding myself that I’m any different from the women in this article?
JaneC,
For my money, no, it doesn’t sound like you have much in common with the object of this article.
You want your guy to change. You are unhappy with his responses to work. That is, you want a change.
Change is a powerful force, and no one can really direct it. If you get him to change, no on can predict what that change will be; you cannot, he cannot. And change is like a little death, there is no going back.
Life is a continual process of changes, for all of us. Usually small things, sometimes big awkward lumps of change. If we are close to our partners, we can try to change together, or make adjustments to maintain a good relationship. That isn’t exactly what you describe.
It feels to me that you have to decide for yourself. Asking him for any adjustment will feel rude to him, and may be beyond what he is willing to accept as a goal. But you can learn to cherish the times he is with you, to support him at all other times, and find other interests (that don’t threaten your relationship) to help keep your personal growth on track. Many things come to mind, depending on your circumstances. One might be to socialize informally with spouses of your husband’s co-workers. Another might be a craft, from sewing to gardening, to blogging, stained glass or ceramics, or scrap booking. Blogging or volunteer work are possibilities. Because your concern is how much of his time and attention is occupied away from you, please consider how much intensity other activities demand of you. I would hate to hear he had a week between projects, but you were too wrapped up in something to have time for him. That would work against both of you. Every life-partner makes a certain amount of this kind of adjustment, at least among those I know.
Or you can decide that you want to look for someone dependable, likable, comfortable, loyal, and also more available. You are the one that has to decide what is possible.
And as for what is possible, I suspect there is a chance he doesn’t understand just what you want, and probably figures that you aren’t being supportive about what his work requires. There might be room for some fact-finding and mutual education here. The reason for doing this would be to understand each other better, since this appears to be a disconnect. And you might find that your decision gets easier, once you know just what he values. After all, how can we not honor what our mate values?
Blessed be!
Thanks Brad. I have alot to think about. The understanding part is hard but with time we will learn to understand each other better, and I think that is what he was getting at by saying we are “friends”. It is important to him to have the full benefits of a friend first before we become lovers and more including trust, loyalty, and support.
I have to keep myself busy, and I do, it’s just hard when the only night of the week that I am available to see him, he runs for cover because he is worried he might start to feel more if he spends another minute with me, and wants to take a break and shroud himself by his work.
I’ll keep praying for patience and understanding, and that things get better for him and his business.
JaneC, I actually agree with the guy. I have a theory that the time spent in small surroundings adds up – to closer physical bonds. There is a reason we consider sharing a car, a small table, a small room ‘intimate’. I think our breath, our skin give off pheromones, that we exchange, and our bodies adapt to. The more sharing, the more physical bonding, which influences our ‘feelings’. The more time he spends with you, the more comfortable you become to him, and the more distracted he is when he is away from you.
This is one reason ‘I need more space’ is such a lame euphemism for ‘I plan to leave you’. Cuddling, sharing a room, watching TV in the same room! No words need be exchanged to forge a bond. The more time sharing the bedroom, or any room, builds for a future together.
Actually, what comes to mind is a question. What is he afraid of? We are hard wired by nature to want to make babies. Guys recognize the ‘lets start a baby’ part of the process really well, girls often focus on the ‘lets make a safe nest for our babies’ part. My point is, he seems to like the idea of spending time with you. What bothers him, that he isn’t working on building a home with you (life mating, that is)? He may be unsure of himself, he may feel his work interferes with being a provider or mate or father. He may not find you completely ideal – say for example you talked of quitting smoking, and he doesn’t smoke. Your smoking then becomes a serious character issue, completely aside from health issues. There are promises on the table, there is integrity and honesty in question. This is from my own past, by the way, and the issue turned out to be quite revealing and significant. But there are probably fears here, or you would be moving together faster. Whether the fears are yours, his, or both, it may take skilled outsiders to identify them.
Remember the beginning of Melanie Griffith’s ‘Working Girl’? Melanie’s birthday gift from her live-in boyfriend is lingerie, and she says ‘Maybe sometime you could get me something I could wear outside the apartment. A sweater or something.’ Perhaps you have overlooked a basic question – what does he find comforting? (For me it all starts with a warm smile .. Makeup and fancy ‘erotic’ duds bother me,) You might focus on what makes him comfortable, first. Later, some couples used to use signals to indicate interest in .. intimate exchanges. A flower in a vase, a lit candle in the bedroom, a note on his or her pillow, or some other cherished signal. Just remember that this would be an *invitation*, not a demand.
And if all fails, if you don’t find a way to connect .. allow yourself full time to grieve and recover before moving on. Hmm. Looking at a ‘down’ period of months to years before trying again. Sounds a bit like ‘damned if you do, damned if you don’t’ doesn’t it? Unless you find a way to make this work.
We act to make the other happy, but we are responsible for our own happiness. If you find a way to make this work, *please* share the secret!
You are right about alot of things. We are both in our 40’s and both were previously married. I have kids, he does not, but he gets along great with mine.
There are trust issues on both parts, past cheating, and he is protective of himself and his assets, and I don’t blame him.
I also agree, something I have come to learn since being single again, and that is that I truly am responsible for my own happiness.
We have talked, and things are better, the hard feelings have subsided, for now. And I can always blame it on pms.
thanks brad
i adore this blog, but this one i felt compelled to post to -you’ve reminded me again to appreciate what i have. I am with an absolutely wonderful guy, who treats me beautifully. we’re both on student budgets, but he makes the time and effort to bring me dinner, take me out for little things, and can read me like a book. He loves me like crazy and i love him right back, but recently i have found myself picking at little faults. thanks for reminding me to give myself a reality check every now and again and remember how happy he makes me, and how worth it it is. Thanks a lot!