‘The way you make me feel’ You really turn me on’ Michael Jackson.
It’s comforting to know that the next line wasn’t ‘But it’s a shame about [insert whatever bugs you here].’
I recently sat with a woman who was lamenting her relationship woes. She was miserable because she thought that she was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend, yet at times during the conversation I was genuinely alarmed at the amount of fault finding and nit picking that she did. It was only when I asked her how she felt around him that she admitted that this guy makes her feel cherished, loved, and so happy when I’m in his company. When we’re apart I feel so down, yet she was too busy clinically analysing and scrutinising the guy, questioning his appearance, the way he speaks, and comparing their intellectuality.
It’s amazing how we have the ability to switch from focusing on how we feel around a person to what they are or do, depending on the type of man we’re around. Be with a total bastard and we waste no time in saying how in love we are, how the earth moves, and how the sun rises and sets on his arse. But be with a nice guy that treats us well and we start pulling apart his character or personality as if we’re on the dating equivalent of X Factor/American Idol. Simon Cowell may have a razor sharp tongue for people who can’t hold a note and have misguided ideas about that pop star destinies, but let him spend some time around a woman who wants to pick faults with her guy, and even he could be rendered silent.
I’ve been in relationships with guys where I felt like I was walking under a dark cloud. I felt edgy, nervous, ill at ease, and sometimes downright miserable with some of these assclowns. Naturally with these guys, there were some great highs but more often than not some even greater lows that catered to that drama that we can all be a sucker for. If I had paid more attention to the way I felt around some of the men in my past, my relationship history would be very different. Instead how I felt and what was coming out of my mouth or focusing my thoughts on were very rarely in tune.
It’s all very well going out with a bastard that treats you mean and keeps you keen as he throws you a bottle of perfume or a dress by way of apology, uses sex to create the connection, and toys with your emotions and the relationship like a yo-yo, but at the end of the day when you break it down, you’ll still feel like sh*t. Your self-esteem will have taken a knock and you’ll be wondering who that shadow of their former self is that’s looking back at you in the mirror.
When someone makes us feel good, great, or even amazing and it’s not just because they know how to shag you right, but because they treat you and the relationship with respect, you feel comfortable, trusting, happy, and are not being mucked around over the status of the relationship, many of us can feel suspicious. He gets put under scrutiny, when in fact you should be embracing what you have and enjoying it, instead of stamping all over it. If only we applied the critiquing that we dole out to a guy that’s not challenging our drama buttons to the men that mess us around, we’d find ourselves much happier and cut out a lot of our relationship misery.
It doesn’t matter what feelings you profess to have if the person actually makes you feel miserable as a result of being around them or the type of relationship that you engage in with them. Saying it and feeling it are two different things and if they don’t match, you have bigger questions to ask yourself.
So the next time you’re slagging off the guy you’ve been dating or in a relationship with, dig a little deeper and ask yourself how you feel around him. If he makes you feel like a million dollars, why ditch him for the guy that makes you feel like loose change at the bottom of his laundry basket.