Over the past few weeks in particular, I’ve had quite a few readers tell me that they’re dating multiple people, something I find exhausting just thinking about it, but at the same time rather fascinating because I find that people give me all sorts of reasons for why they do it:
I’m just experimenting with dating. Couldn’t you ‘experiment’ with one person for a few dates, see how it goes, and then move on?
I’m not ready to start properly dating. Do the people who you are dating know that you’re potentially wasting their time? Why not take a break?
I like the attention from all of these guys. Remember how you didn’t like it when Mr Unavailable had a narcissistic harem of women he was dipping in and out of for an ego stroke? Nuff said!
I’m just trying these guys on for size. Do they know you’re just experimenting with them?
I don’t want to get into a relationship too quickly? Who said you have to go straight to a relationship? Where is the fire?
A couple of weeks ago I wrote about why dating is a discovery phase for fact finding. It’s where you discover the facts that will help you determine whether you should green light, date some more and potentially move into a relationship, or whether you should red light and abort the mission.
As people no matter what they tell you, don’t always date for the same reasons, dating someone and getting to know them will let you determine through their actions and interactions (not just words and your imagination) whether you are two people on the same page with similar primary values.
The issues arise because not only do people bluster blindly through dating ignoring red flags and letting their libidos and imaginations make decisions for them, but we forget to date and basically commit to being in a relationship before there is something to commit to.
Multiple dating makes dating messier even though the people that do it often think it makes it easier because it keeps them out of a relationship, let’s them check out lots of options at once instead of doing one person at a time, but it can also be a protective measure for ensuring that you don’t get close enough to anyone.
Really multiple dating is just a code term for:
1) Keeping your options open.
2) Being afraid of commitment because you’re afraid of getting hurt.
3) Keeping your attention meter ticking over.
Some people keep their options open because they want to shag around, they think there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and they also worry that someone who perfectly meets their criteria may be out there somewhere and are afraid of ‘settling’. In fact a number of women have said to me that they’re afraid of wasting time, while at the same time feeling that time is running out, so they’re trying to effectively compact, for example, what would be a years worth of dating for another person, into a couple of months.
But equally, keeping your options open is about being non-commital and this is the mainstay of being emotionally unavailable and creating limited experiences that keep you ‘safe’ in a self-fulfilling prophecy bubble.
What I found particularly prevalent though with each person who multiple dates is that they enjoy getting lots of attention from various different sources which helps them get a level of validation that they’re seeking.
But, is it just me that wonders what happened to dating one person at a time?
What is this fear of the supply running out? What is this whole ‘But what if he’s not the one and I’m missing out on one of the other guys that could be?’ Are you supposed to know if someone is the one on the first few dates? Why do we need so much attention?
If you’re keeping your options open and sitting on the fence dating several people, how can you be emotionally available enough to get to know these people and determine whether you can date one?
How do you choose? This isn’t The Apprentice! You’re fired! You’re fired! Ooh, you’re hired! It may feel like you’re auditioning them for what you feel is the big job of being ‘The One’ but you and they are people with feelings, libidos, imaginations, and love habits that may be counterproductive to you actually getting the relationship you want – adding several people to the mix just makes it messy. Feeling like you have choices may convince you that you have more choices than you have and trap you indecision!
Here’s the trouble: I’m not suggesting that you be a nun or ‘commit’ to a relationship with a virtual stranger, although ladies, let’s be real, many of you have committed to virtual strangers but told yourselves that you knew more! However, you are making a rather large rod for your own back because unless you have hide of a rhino and don’t really care about how other people feel, it can get pretty damn messy with the whole multiple dating thing.
If you’re someone who has had a pattern of being involved with, for instance, emotionally unavailable men or assclowns, or has a penchant for getting carried away with illusionary relationships, multiple dating is heartbreak, ambiguity, and confusion on acid.
If you multiple date with dubious love habits, the moment that someone either ticks the boxes of your pattern such as having familiar characteristics, qualities and behaviours or doesn’t do what you expect, triggering curiosity and a sense of rejection that convinces you that you are more interested in them than you are in others, you will start thinking and expecting like someone who is dating them exclusively, while at the same time, because of your fear of getting hurt, being committed, or losing all of the sources of attention, trying to maintain some of the other guys.
You won’t be interested because you’re genuinely interested – you’ll be interested because you’ll want to ‘win over’ this person and get validated, which is not the same thing.
You’ll just be falling into old patterns while having lots of loose ends. You’ll also find that you worry about ‘breaking up’ with people and may even avoid being honest or be inadvertently ambiguous because you’re worried about hurting their feelings. Next thing you know, even though you feel like you’ve communicated that you’re not interested, you’ve got the stress of various guys you have half-hearted interest in, lurking around.
Then you think back to when you’ve been messed around by some guy, remember how you felt and tell yourself you don’t want to make someone feel like that, but these guys, who some of them will be just as emotionally unavailable, will be pursuing you because you’re not doing what they expect, so they’ll take a while to take the hint. You may even have to do no contact or get medieval on them!
If things don’t go according to plan with the one you got fixated on, you’ll start to get nostalgic about one or some of the other guys and restart contact all over again giving off mixed signals. Or you’ll quickly hop on your laptop and start flirting up a storm on a dating site, quickly filling up your diary with dates and attention so that any rejection you’re feeling is quickly blocked out.
And lather rinse repeat.
You’ll experience times when you think you want a relationship with one of them but you’ll agonise about killing off the other attention sources and feel nervy of committing.
This is where we overblow commitment as there are various levels of commitment, and really, in dating one person, you commit, not to marrying them or promising forever more, but you commit to giving it a shot and seeing how things go one on one. You’re committing to courtesy and you’re also committing to removing ambiguity about stuff like ‘Am I the only person they’re sleeping with?’
And here is the big question: Do you want to perpetuate the very behaviour that drives you insane when you’re on the receiving end of it?
Much of the stuff about multiple dating will be very familiar to you if you have ever been on the receiving end of the flip flapping, hedge sitting, keeping you on ice guy that is Mr Unavailable.
Ladies, I’m not saying don’t have fun but I am saying to be careful of not only living a double standard but dragging out a cycle of being emotionally unavailable and commitment resistant. If we truly do want a relationship and we don’t want to engage in the type of situations that have caused us pain when others have done it, why do it ourselves?
Each time I hear from women struggling with multiple dating, do you know what I hear? A woman who is uncomfortable dating several men at a time, that is not being authentic, and is living outside of her values – what we expect from others, we should expect from ourselves.
Dating means that you do have to take a bit of a risk. If you go in with your eyes and ears open, feet on the ground, with an awareness of your boundaries and red flags, you will opt out if, while you are in your discovery phase on your factfinding mission, you receive information to your spidey senses that says that the relationship is not for you. You will cut your losses instead of continuing to invest blindly and you’ll be relieved to have found out now, rather than later, and move on. You can get to know the person in the reality if you’re not all confused trying to juggle several people at once!
Your thoughts? Have you tried to date more than one person?
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
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I don’t know if this even falls into the category but I thought I’d put it out there.
I have been involved with a man for 6 yrs now and alla long I new something just wasn’t right but couldn’t put my finger on it until this past weekend.
I founf out this man for at least the past 2 yrs while still seeing me he has had a live in GF.
talk about being a big EUM.
Make a long story short this man is nothing but a USER and a CHEAT and nothing will ever come of it.
How he thought that he could continue to get away with it and not have someone figure out what the real deal was is crazy.
Oh no – I found out early on that just was not a good idea. The juggling was just too much. I was honest that I was dating other people and that only made it worse -then the competition started and it really got messy. Nope after that lesson learned I stuck to one at a time. The only problem was I ignored warning signs and didn’t get unstuck when I should have. Know when to hold em – know when to fold em – know when to walk away and know when to run- Kenny Rogers
i disagree with this post.
why not enjoy different men for different things.
men to have dinner with, men to play sports with, men to go to
museums with etc. etc. what is wrong with having fun and dating different
guys as long as you are honest about it!
I agree margie what’s wrong with just going out and having fun with different people. Now if you’re serious about getting serious than no not a good idea but why does everything have to be about finding “Mr Right” all the time?
Margie, I am not so sure about the “being honest about it”.
If a man is interested in you and you tell him that you are dating other people he will pull back unless he is NOT looking for a serious relationship, then you can enjoy certain activities with him, because you are not looking for a serious relationship either – at least not with him.
O.K., if a guy is being honest about that he is seeing other women and after weeks or months still likes to enjoy my company for various activities, I have to pull the plug.
I am waisting my time at this point and I am something to do for him in his spare time, he is passing time – with ME.
I have girlfriends to go to museums, festivals and so on with…
Margie,
There is nothing wrong with dating different people for different reasons.
Just be aware, that you are dating for recreation, and seldom do worthwhile relationships develop when you got together for the specific reason that you don’t want to be sharing your life.
If, on the other hand, you were dating someone you respect and honor, and are considering as a worthwhile mate-prospect, then really – how could you afford the time and distraction, of “playing” with someone else?
I agree with you completely margie! I disagree with this post as well. I think it’s healthy to have options, that’s why it’s called “dating.” It gives you an opportunity to apply those boundaries and to learn more about yourself! I learned from dating several men after my break up, that I am not ready for a relationship and I’m honest and up front about that with these men. It doesn’t mean I’m being emotionally unavailbale. I’m having the time of my life since breaking it off with my ex two months ago, and if I find there is one guy that I’d like to continue seeing, then at that point I wouldn’t date other people.
Haven’t dated for years, then all of a sudden several guys seem interested and want to meet. As i’ve been busy and so have they.. it’s dragged on and no meetings had happened. Met one guy for a date who I met on a discussion site who ‘finally’ got round to asking to meet after once every week for over a month of saying, ‘when are we going to meet’… then nothing. We met and got on very well, not my usual type though and he had to cancel the next date and 4-6 weeks went by with the same, ‘we must meet’ with no arrangements. Finally,arrangements with some of the others were made to meet for coffee, as I didn’t want to be waiting around for the first guy..meanwhile.. I text him I was bored and he did arrange to meet but before the others… he seems lovely makes all the right noises, no red flags but still no mention of ‘I’d like to meet you again’. So am I supposed to cancel the other dates???? and keep waiting on this guy….??? I’m very confused now
Spee, that happened to me too. I think what NML means is dating “Bob” on Mondays and Wednesday, “Jim” on Tuesdays and Thursdays and “Bill” on the weekends – exaggerating of course – while waiting on the right guy to come along.
If a man drags his feet to make plans with you – I get it, we are all busy – he has to go, he is not interested and keeps his options open. Don’t wait on a guy that is not making plans with you (red flag) and make dates with the guy that wants to see you. I am guessing you are meeting these guys via online dating sites? If so, you have to weed out the ones that take weeks to make plans with you, don’t be option B or C.
I think you got it right.
So at what point have you crossed the line from “going on a couple of dates with someone” to “dating someone”? I don’t believe in having ongoing relationships with more than one person at a time, but on the other hand, I don’t want to assume after one good date with someone that we’re now being exclusive and that I should refuse dates with other people unless and until I see how things pan out with this one person — which is the mistake I’ve made in the past. The problem with shutting off all my options after one or two dates is that I then try to force things to work out, even when it’s clear they won’t, because I don’t think I have any options!
I’m with Building My Wings on this one. I’ve been doing the online dating thing since May (I know Natalie is opposed, but I live in a very rural area, where it’s hard to just meet single men my daily life and activities). I’ve met many different men on the site and gone on dates with probably 8-10 of them. Many of these dates don’t progress beyond 1-2 dates (for all kinds of wacky reasons, some of it having to do with the fact that I am starting to recognize my own boundaries and calling guys out for bad behavior), so I have no problems juggling several guys at once. It’s often just meeting for drinks, conversation, maybe a good night kiss.
If I just focused on the one guy right now, like Natalie recommends, I think it would be waste. I feel like I’m better able to judge these guys when I’m keeping them at more at a distance.
I’ve been in the shoes that Building My Wings mentions. When I’m focusing on one guy and we have one good date, I often put pressure on building a relationship. Doesn’t turn out too well.
If it doesn’t work out with the one guy I’m seeing, when I’m casually dating multiple guys, I find it easier to move to the next one(s) in line.
I totally agree with this post. I have tried juggling in the past, and ran up against all the things mentioned in the article. So I stopped dating for a while, and took a good long look at myself, and my motives for dating more than one man at a time. Once I got past the surface excuses (i.e. It saves time, I’m being honest and not hurting anyone), I realized that I was still trying to get validation from men–men I didn’t even really know, and frankly, some I didn’t really even like or respect!
And as for the part about not hurting anyone if I’m being honest, well, I know how secretly hurt I have been in the past when a man told me (honestly) that he was ‘playing the field’, even if I had only met him once. It set off all kinds of ‘not good enough’ and wrongly competitive vibes for me. I don’t imagine any of the guys I said this to felt any differently, way deep down where it counts.
Now I’m dating one guy, and he’s still on the ‘wait and see’ list, but at least I know I’m not hurting anyone in the process, and I’ve freed up all that emotional energy previously spent juggling to find ways to give myself validation.
I agree Margie, thank you!
I agree that it’s not a good thing to actually have on-going multiple dating relationships with people like the batchorelete, but if you are just going on one or two dates meeting new people when you are single is another thing.
I’ve dated more than one at a time.
It was many years ago and the attention was intoxicating.
I had no intentions with 2 of the guys and it was short lived. One stuck around for 8 yrs. There was not a Mutual exchange of love, care, trust repect. There was an imbalance of power and no receprosity. There was faking a future, actions did not match words and expectations were continually being managed down. He was an assclown and we were both Emotionally Unavailable. The only reason why it lasted 8 years was because I fell into the pattern of “Fall Back Girl”.
The only good thing that came from that situation was it lead me to the ULTIMATE MEGA ASSCLOWN, EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MALE I had ever come across. He was PERFECTION! The most perfect specimien of dysfuction. I was primmed and ready for a ride of a LIFE TIME. It took FIVE years to eradicate myself from that “relatioship crack”. FIVE YEARS. I was the crowned and the reigning Queen of Fall Back, Drip Fed, Managed down, Hot then Cold, No Reciprosity, Absolutely no mutual love, care, trust, respect. Built on compatibility of intersts and sense of humor.
That is what multiple dating primed me for THIRTEEN YEARS untill I have my “ENOUGH MOMMENT”.
Mostly Thanks to Natalie and her posts, but also, importantly from the greatly missed forum that I learned and shared from other women going through the same thing.
Another interesting post. I have never dated more than one at a time, believing it to be disrespectful. I believe in giving someone a real chance and hope to be given a real chance as well. I loved much of what you said – the discussion of flip flapping and the idea of “I thought I had communicated I wasn’t interested but was so ambiguous about it, you didn’t even know it” was the story with my AC. I agree with this post – if we say we don’t like to be treated as nothing but an option – what do you think dating more than one at a time is? I also really liked the idea of “auditioning for the role of the One”. This sums up my experience with the assclown – I was given several months to audition and apparently I failed. The feeling of rejection was enormous, largely because I realized that, when he made the initial run at me, he was chasing a fantasy, while after several months of getting to know me, he rejected the real me. Very hurtful and not something I would want to do to someone else. I think we should date each person long enough to make up our minds about continuing or deepening the relationship. I also wish that, when the decision is made to end it, everyone involved makes a clear and definitive statement to that effect. No disappearing, no fading out or sending signals and “hoping she gets the message”. If everyone just acted like adults and treated each other with respect, dating would be far less dangerous to all our healths than it currently is. Wishful thinking, I know, but it is what I try to do in my dating life and that means one at a time. Thanks for saying it, Natalie
I couldn’t agree more! I just spent (wasted) 5 months being “auditioned” for the coveted role of girlfriend to an assclown, only to be rejected in the most painful way possible. He was even kind enough to tell me I had actually been cut weeks before but he hadn’t told me (and why should he – it’s not like it was any of my business). I have no idea whether he had multiple women on the go at the time (I assume so but don’t really want to know) but I certainly didn’t have other men and had (mistakenly) thought that after 5 months, we had moved past the “just dating phase” but, as I have read in several posts on this blog, we were having two completely different relationships. I had assumed, given the intense start and faked future, that he was serious about a relationship, while he thought we were just “hanging out”.
I don’t know how anyone could do this with several people at the same time. It’s exhausting. Disrespectful is the right word – how can you honestly say you are giving someone a fair chance when they are one of many? Dating isn’t a cattle call audition. If you don’t like someone enough after one or two dates to give them your full attention, what makes you think weeks (or months!) of dating is going to change that? To really get to know and trust someone, you have to believe what they say and what they do. Unless you “thin the herd”, how can you do that? Dating isn’t a numbers game, particularly once you are out of your teen years. Do it with integrity and honesty or please, don’t do it at all.
Yeah, I have recently tried casually dating a few people at once for about a month. I thought it would be a good idea as a way of practising not being quite so trusting and invested straight away (having just come out of the situation debra describes – a guy keen, making big promises, then once I am open and committed, realises or decides he doesn’t like me very much – he said this – and ditches me). I wanted to see whether I could just do the cool approach to meeting someone. The problem was, that’s what I was like on these dates, funny and chatty, but in no way emotionally open, gentle or tender. I did not let any of them know much about me, I filtered every thing that I shared through the most stringent ‘could this be seen as in any way needy or overly invested?’ test and I was also pretty cavalier about kissing them as a way of, again, seeing whether I could just play a role and not be affected by it. I was an EUM! I don’t believe any of these guys were hurt by it – as they each, in their own very clear way, told me that they were not looking for a relationship. But I am just not sure this experience is worth it. I’d rather stick to having male friends to do stuff with, being able to be relaxed and fun, and not even pretending we’re going on dates. I don’t think dating many men casually has to be a negative thing, I just think it’s limited and can be perilous if you’re still in recovery mode, as I am. I am not sure I want to be too good at this sort of thing, as I am already nervous about my ability to be natural and trusting again.
It’s one thing for a normal guy to tell you he’s not looking for a relationship..the problem is with EUM’s or AC’s who come on as if they do want a relationship then get cold feet or vanish or any number of other weird behaviours.
Yes, I see your point and on the other hand I was a bit surprised to read this.
There is this – one of many – relationship advicers on the net, and she makes a great point excatly of dating several men at the same time as a cure not to concentrate too quickly on one candidate.
If anybody is interested in checking her points:
The problem with multiple dating is that YOU are dating several men, each of them is dating several women, the women they are dating are also dating several men, and so on and so forth.
Too many variables for me to cope with.
I agree with Brad K, someone genuinely seeking a one-to-one lasting relationship will simply not be comfortable with being an option or with stringing along a number of “potentials”.
Agree. Agree. Agree. I’ve done it. I’ve had it done to me. And I hate it. And I have all the same questions as you do. When did this become the norm? Why? How is this helping anyone? I think online dating is a huge breeding ground for this –the sites are always pushing you to make multiple connections. And you’re likely to get several emails from a few good prospects. Same is happening to them. It feels awful to let someone down. It feels awful to be let down. It also adds enormous weight to the question of commitment and exclusivity —too much weight. Because gone are the days when we could let things naturally develop. With all the multiplicity happening, you need clear verbalized assurances that you are the only act in town. I think we do ourselves a huge disservice. There are newer sites that are trying to reframe things like Date For Change. I hope there will be a shift back to the more “traditional” dating approach. Thanks for writing this.
Hmmm. Brings to mind that old saying, “Neither a borrower nor lender be.”
I am a physically beautiful woman. Feminine, soft-spoken, dress well, smell nice. Men are attracted to me like flies, for all the wrong reasons (shallow). Ironically I suffer from very low self-esteem due to an extremely disturbing and disruptive and damaged childhood. And I’ve fallen into some very negative codependent relationships, so I know the signs.
Having tried on simultaneous multiple relationships through on-line and chat-line dating over the past decade, I have adopted the above rule “neither a borrower nor lender be” into my personal dating life. And you know what, it works.
I do not allow a man to receive benefits from me (that which makes him happy, fulfills him, sexual favours etc) unless he not only offers, but gives me something first. I no longer lend, or extend lines of credit, to men. Speaking metaphorically of course.
If he invests the time and effort into pursuing me, asks me out, shares intimate thoughts, feelings . . . then I reciprocate. Then, and only then. And if he withdraws, or doesn’t put out, I do the same.
We women too often make the sad mistake of giving too much too soon, and by extending these emotional “lines of credit” which often extend into physical intimacy (credit *ucking) we hope to receive payback with interest (emotional intimacy and/or commitment) and when we don’t, we suffer.
But that’s because we gave them something without their paying for it first (metaphorically speaking of course). A man has to EARN a woman’s love (sex) for him to respect her. That is truth. Sorry, but the truth hurts. Sadly, even a professional escort has respect from her clients (wow, these guys really respect these women, believe it or not, they treat them well) because the man had to invest something into that “relationship” ie his hard-earned money.
So ladies, let them pay as they go, tit for tat, this for that, and none of the “try before you buy” business. You are worth more than that. If you allow yourself to be a free trial offer in the dating scene, volunteering yourself to various men, letting them try you on for size and vice versa, you are using up your emotional bank account and will have nothing left for the real thing when he comes along.
If a man pursues you, asks you out on a REAL date where he is actually making a plan and paying his hard-earned money to court you, then by all means, GO! if you like him, and reciprocate with your polite behaviour, femininity, the beauty of your company–which he craves.
If he calls again, go again!
If he doesn’t, don’t.
And don’t invest more into him, than he does into you.
Simple.
@Jordine: Such an excellent way of putting it. My ex actually said to me that, as a physically very attractive woman, I had to be careful that men actually wanted to be with me and weren’t just there for my looks. Of course, he said it in such a way that it seemed like a general statement about beautiful women, and not, what it turned out to be (and he later confirmed this), an indication of his feelings towards me, feelings that I no doubt encouraged by, as you say so well, extending way too many lines of credit, physically, emotionally and practically.
Deflating to realize that I had been seeing it as a long term investment…and I didn’t get to withdraw any of it later on. Straight down the well and into his pants/ego/immediate needs! It meant, when he dumped my arse, I felt precisely what @Fearless said – robbed!
I am still hopeful that I won’t have to see things so transactionally with someone who has the same relationship values as me and has been brought up knowing or has learned how to be honest and respectful, but I suspect this is how it needs to be at least for the first 3-6 months, before you can truly see the outlines of a person’s character.
Jordine–
I agree with your reasoning, however, how do you explain the guys who SAY that they want the nice, courteous, ethical, honest, good, serious, educated, and not-giving-it-up-before-marriage woman but who MARRY the girls who put up with all their indecision and crap (including dating many women at once) b/c they, over time, FALL for them?
I was surrounded by such men all through my dating years–ALL through them–men who SAID one thing (sometimes even about the woman they ended up marrying? For ex., while dating, he’d say, “Well, I am only having fun with her!”), but who DID otherwise (sometimes against their very own words!).
If NML or anyone else could explain this to this “nice” girl who put up with guys who SAID that they wanted girls like me, the girls who would respect themselves as you so aptly put it, even to the point of abstaining from sex before marriage, but who DID otherwise, they’d get a medal!
The EUM I knew was known to have appreciated the truly truly good girls–but he MARRIED the girl who made him “pay as he went”. So she gave it up, while he disresepcted her all along, but he GREW to love her. So I don’t think he was 100@ EUM all along. He did multiple date, all the time, while dating me and (before me) (and again later, after me) her.
Dear Used,
I don’t think it’s about being “truly truly good” it’s about being smart with your money (smart with your emotional cash). Like every other transaction in life, relationships should be a fair exchange for both parties, or someone will feel they’ve been taken for a mug! Don’t hand over your emotional cash till you can see what your getting for it, that’s the message.
I dated a guy I was crazy about who was also dating someone else… he was still playing the field… he said his other date was ‘just like one of the boys… he would never get engaged to her or anything like that… blah… blah.. (bollocks!)’
I had his baby daughter. He married “one of the boys”. Fine by me! That was 21 years ago. My “baby” is the heart and soul and joy of my life. Good things happen.
What a timely article! I just went on date 3 last night with a guy that I thought I really liked, but who told me after date 2 that he was still in communication with other women on a dating website and wasn’t ready to commit to dating just one woman right now. Silly me, I forged ahead with dating him because I thought “of course, why wouldn’t he be dating more than one person”. I think NML is right though, his reluctance to give up the smorgasbord of women is about his fear of committment/fear of being intimate with one person, and worry that there are other options out there that are passing him by. In the meantime, he misses out on the opportunity in front of him. Last night, after arriving for dinner, he let me know that he would have to leave right after dinner because he had some work he needed to do. So everything is on his timeline, his terms, and I can either take it or leave it. Though I feel disappointed, perhaps it’s just more dating experience, and an opportunity to continue learning what I will and won’t tolerate in a relationship/partner.
Think yourself lucky you found out NOW and not too far down the line.
I am with NML’s article on this, and especially this part:
“Couldn’t you ‘experiment’ with one person for a few dates, see how it goes, and then move on?” That is my philospohy too (I just seem to get stuck in no-man’s-land with the same crap date for ever and a day, and then another day… it’s the moving on to the next date part that I need to work on!)
I have never dated two guys at the same time. I have always let the first one go before moving on. I think it’s only fair. I’d be pretty pissed off if a guy asked me out on a Friday night and had someone else lined up for the Saturday! I would never be comfortable doing that.(btw I have a hell of a lot more than that to be pissed off about!)
I also agree with NML that just because you’re on a few dates with one guy dosn’t mean you are getting into a relationship too quickly with them – if you decide it’s not going to happen, for whatever reason, that is the time to end with it and move along. I especially like, “where’s the fire?”. Precisely!
I have wondered though, what speed dating would be like? (not as in picking up lots of multiple dates, but maybe for finding one potential decent date that might be worth the trouble!)
Before I go, I must say to Jordine that I am so glad I stopped to read the comments on this blog… I have never really looked at it her way… I kind of knew it, but hadn’t quite formulated the idea, but you, Jordine, have now just explained to me exactly what I sensed I always do if I really like a guy… I hand over all my money right away and expect to be able to draw on it, with interest… but he draws on the money I handed him, doesn’t even give me any of my own money back… and then I realise I’ve been robbed rotten!!
I loved your post. It makes it so clear. Thank you for that. No-one’s getting any more of my emotional cash till they put theirs on the table!
Firstly, Jordine – I am so glad I read your comment.
I talked to a good guy friend of mine recently about his on line dating. He jumped in head first one week after his girlfriend (who he met online) broke up with him and he clearly admitted to me that he was seeing multiple women to feel better and maybe punish his ex some. He would have 3 dates with 3 different women in one week. He is finally dating one woman from the pack, but still nosing up and sniffin at every attractive girl he encounters in person. He doesn’t talk about this one girl like he likes her at all, but says it’s convenient. He is still on line and anxiously awaits his new matches and “hits”. He has referred to a certain aged women as his “prey base” and treating women like objects on a grocery store shelf….shopping for the right flavor, taste testing as many as he can. Even though I am friends with him, (never dated him), his dating behavior really grosses me out. I told him so and broached the subject of him being an EUM. He denied it saying he was looking for a serious relationship. Ha! Come on….looking for a serious relationship with multiple women you meet on line one week after a hurtful breakup. Continuing to sleep with one while you are still prowling for more. This scared me off of on line dating for sure! Yuck. If you have no problem being the woman in this scenario…power to you. Personally I can’t risk feeling undervalued again while he shops for a better deal, more attractive, easier, younger, blah blah blah. I have been NC for over 2 months now from the AC that f*ck”d with my head for 4 years. The last thing I need is to be juggled and risk being ditched for something better on the grocery store rack (on line date site). It all seems so shallow and complicated at the same time. I know it works for some and there are probably a few decent guys on line dating, but my radar is busted and my check engine light is on. I would find it hard to date anyone while still trying sort my own baggage out, let alone multiple dating. I won’t say its wrong, but I think you really need to examine why and if you can handle the flip side…him multiple dating too.
Jordine -EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY! I couldn’t have said it better! I’ve been doing this forever and everyone always accuses me of “not showing him I cared” and being “too aloof” However, in all cases I only gave him as much as he gave me. If he contacted, I responded. If he called, I returned the call. If he withdrew, I withdrew. If a man likes you, he will ABSOLUTELY come after you. All my REAL relationships have happened with him doing the pursuing. Let him do what’s SUPPOSED to do. If he doesn’t, move on ladies!
Agree…I don’t think this post is really about “dating” per se, the way I see it. When you’re just ‘trying on’ people for a couple dates to get to know them better, it’s fine to see multiples at once. Both nice guys and Assclowns and unavailable guys are always on their best behavior in the beginning because they want to win you over. It’s only a little down the road once they’ve gotten a little comfortable that you start to see their true colors and if they’re displaying some of the red flags and warning signals in the other posts. You could go out and have incredible chemistry and the most amazing dates of all time with a guy for a month, then to have him fess up, “I’m still hung up on my ex” or “I don’t want a relationship right now” or express a value that’s way different than what you want out of life (e.g., “I never want to have kids”), and it’s even more disheartening and devastating to then have to make a decision to cut losses and run (the right thing to do) or put up with him because you’ve put all your eggs in one basket.
That said, this is alllll turned around when it comes to relationships. If a guy has been treating you awesome for 4+ months and you can tell he’s super into you and wants to take it to the next level, and you’re still dating other guys 4+ months because you “just don’t know” which one to choose, or you’re hung up on the one unavailable guy who’s so amazing you can’t give him up and you’re stringing other guys around hoping that you can wait out Mr. Unavailable until he’s ready to give you the relationship you sooooo know will be awesome when he finally commits, all the factoids of this post apply. Chances are, you’re the emotionally unavailable person here and being the assclown.
True enough, multiple dating is opening up ones options and a sign of fear to commit. This post has been very helpful! I want to hear more about your insights on this site which gives out expert advice for women. Your comment is highly appreciated. Thanks!:)
hey!
this blog makes me think there are A LOT of emotionally unavaliable people around, men and women… what are your thoughts? I’m just thinking, almost every couple i know broke up cause of cheating, other women… are there REALLY so many Ms. and Mrs. Unavaliables around us???
I think there are a lot of people wandering around, unsure and clueless about what they want. How many people actually take the time to sit and think ‘what the hell am I doing?’ even less are the number who are willing to change, even less are those ABLE to change and stick to it. Most people go with the flow of what they know…which is the same old merry go round.
yes
I agree that for just a couple of dates, that having options would be OK, but keeping those options open long term would be cheating everyone (including myself) of developing a real relationship with anyone.
And I think it would also mess up the dynamic that you actually have with men, if you continually date more than one. Let’s say (for the sake of simplicity) that I was dating two guys at once, and had been for several months. One is clearly showing assclown behavior and the other treats me great. It would seem that the clear choice is the one who has been treating me great for so many months. So I dump the assclown, in favor of the great guy. Only now, several months into the relationship have I become committed to seeing where it can go. I think I am safe, because he’s been so good to me, but then he turns into an assclown. Why? Because I was emotionally unavailable to him for all those months, while he was treating me great. Turns out, he is an EUM, who only wanted me when he felt like he didn’t quite have me.
This could be just one example of why multiple dating may not work. None of the behaviors would be based on having a real relationship.
I just watched the Gene Krupa story tonight and one of the other characters said to Krupa, “Success is when you don’t have to worry about it anymore.” I am tired of worrying about my ex or any other future relationship that might go wrong (or right.) I want to be a success with being happy just being my own authentic self. I wanted an authentic relationship with my ex, but it was not to be. I tried to do it his way and switch just to friends (after he dumped me) and that was not an authentic friendship either. I am glad I have cut myself loose. No more worrying about how I am going to get what I want out of this situation or how to get out of it. Success is no longer worrying about him and if he’s forgotten me since I started NC (some days I am there and some I am not.) Success is when I no longer care if I “blew” the friendship thing too. Success is moving on and seeing that the past is the past and one should not have to play games to get love. I think one must play the game of loving one’s self first and not tolerating games or dishonesty. This is far more challenging and to find solitude a positive thing when it’s there. Success to me means getting beyond my breakup and all the lame games it entailed and moving to a place where having a relationship no longer is a worry for me because I am learning to be happier on my own and love myself.
Absolutely love what you say here. Thank you for these thoughts. What a great way to think about it. How do we define success? Is it getting one particular man’s attention or is it feeling good about ourselves? Being ok with being alone and knowing its better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t love and respect you? I applaud your strength in walking away both from the relationship and the “Friendship” and seeing that neither was going to give you what you wanted. It is hard but the key really is loving yourself first and foremost. When you do, you start to see the half-measures and crumbs as not worth your time.
This is really interesting because in the United States (in general), multiple dating is encouraged as a way of getting to know different people, finding out what one likes, keeping options open, etc. Never thought of multiple dating in this way before. It’s nice to be an expatriate. 😉
Thanks for giving me new food for thought.
Yes, I’ve dated more than one man and I’m neither EU or using men. If dating is getting to know another person so we can evaluate their potential for a romantic relationship, why should we limit ourselves to getting to know only one person at a time? In essence, we should, without knowing much about a person, immediately choose one lest we be considered emotionally unavailable or commitmentphobes. What if we were to make friends using this same philosophy? For example: if two potential friends came into your life at approximately the same time, would you not befriend one because you were in the process of getting to know the other? Would you tell them you could not befriend them because you already had one friend? That would be absurd.
In order to date (several people) we must be living an authentic life. We must be living our values. We have to be clear about our dating goals and communicate those goals with our dates. As we get to know these people we must evaluate their qualities before deciding to continue dating. When we run up against a deal breaker, we stop dating that person.
As some prefer to date only one person at a time, do not place judgment on others for multiple dating. By being upfront and honest with those that we are dating, multiple dating can actually screen for a jealousy, possessiveness and other red flags.
Yes, I have had it go badly when telling a man that I was dating other people. We had been on two dates in the last month. He asked me out for a time I had already committed to another date. I told him that I had a date that night and suggested another time. He was caught off guard by my truthfulness, said he had never dated more than one person at a time, and set our date for a different time. He then proceeded to make our third and final date quite terrible. He was rude, disrespectful, thoughtless. I called him out on his poor behavior. We argued; it came out he was jealous. I received all forms of apologies for his behavior the next day. Yet it saved me from going any further down the road into a relationship with him. I don’t want a man who will treat me with disrespect as to “punish” me, nor a jealous man, nor one who believes that “I’m sorry” makes everything better.
Yes, they may not react to the news of you dating others the way you might expect, yet you will learn more about them from their reaction than you will from all the dates you’ve had with them combines.
if a man was multiple dating me and screening me for jealousy and possessiveness I pray to God I would have the strength to tell him to take a hike
Amen Grace 🙂
My former very painful relationships with assclowns and EUMs have broken me. I dumped my last assclown almost 7 months ago, after 4 years of torture.
Right now just the thought of having a relationship makes me recoil, with memories of various kinds of abuse too fresh – as soon as a seemingly normal, single man shows interest I find all kinds of things wrong with him, and I bolt. So, for now I have turned into the ultimate female assclown – string along a bunch of different assclowns, deciding which assclown is worth my interest that day, blowing hot and cold on them, shagging them and ignoring them afterwards until I feel like seeing them again… it’s like I am taking my revenge on the way I was treated in the past. I dearly hope to get past this infantile phase one day and be able to have a real relationship. But for now I am reveling in dysfunctionality. Has anyone else acted out this way and gotten past it? I just feel that I have no emotional bandwidth to have a real relationship. Torturing assclowns doesn’t take nearly as much effort.
I suggest taking a break for a few months, what’s the rush? If you are shagging around, they are shagging around too, and there’s too much risk of stds (yeh even if you use a condom), complication and drama.
Didn’t have four years of torture to process, so not going to pretend to be in the same position as you. But I can say that I simply recognised that dating people and acting out (which is what I was doing) was more tiring and anger-fuelling than cathartic. I made a decision to stop. Being on my own has brought me more peace and space to heal than I could have gained by engaging with men in any quasi-romantic/sexual way. In fact, I’d be reliving the pain if I sought their company – because I would be reenacting all the pain that my AC caused me, which is what you are doing. It’s still all connected to that steaming poo of a situation, so you’re still in it.
It’s natural that you would have some post-traumatic stress symptoms – and I don’t think I am being dramatic saying that. Part of those symptoms is a blunting of the emotions, a kind of depressive malaise, and, as a result, a certain recklessness. But these things are signals that you need to protect yourself and create a context for healing to take place. You need to love the crap out of yourself until your full emotional bandwidth is restored (and I can totally relate to that feeling – such an apt metaphor).
It won’t just come through time, it will come through active decisions, reestablishing your values and living by them, and daily care of yourself (which may involve talking to someone). Definitely not the time to be ‘dating’ in the spirit you are. You must know that the revenge is only poisoning you, not redirecting you in a positive way…
Good luck. I look forward to hearing other people’s views or a post from Natalie, as I too remain emotionally stunted and super defensive. I guess I just don’t feel quite as cynical about love in the big picture. I am still thinking that I have something pretty wonderful to offer someone, that I trust my judgment to pick someone better for me, and that I am, also, quite OK on my own. But, like I said, didn’t have four years of hideousness, only 10 months.
Long time reader, first time poster. FANTASTIC ARTICLE Natalie!!
Another brill post, Natalie. Not sure what I would do without these posts to help me regain my balance. Whenever I am having a hard day or starting to yearn for a dose of assclown, I come straight to this site and read till the feeling passes and I rebuild my self-esteem. I don’t know if you take requests but I would love to see a post specifically about the “harems” these men develop. While I was with my assclown, I thought I was the only one. I now know I was simply one of many he had on the go – he called them all “friends” but there was always one special one that got most of the attention, either because she was new or starting to slip away. I also find it interesting that so many women on this site talk about their AC being on facebook or other social networking sites. Upon reflection, I have now recognized that I have had two assclowns in my life – the last two guys -and both are pathologically averse to being on the internet in any way. It’s like they don’t want to be found. Just out of curiousity, I tried to find AC #1 the other day and there was literally nothing about him. AC #2 is the exact same – I suspect there might be a large number of women that hate both these men because of their behaviour and that part of the maintanence of the harem is giving out contact info to those women who have proven they won’t go psycho on him. AC #2 has four different cell phones, all with different women tied to each. He also has two email accounts (that I know about), each for different women. When AC #2 was still actively pursuing me (blowing hot, as you say), he always failed to mention the other women. Once I had been kicked to the kerb and demoted to a place in the harem, he began bragging about them. I am now 9 weeks NC with AC #2 and will NOT be be accepting his kind offer to join his harem.
Proudly assclown free since 03/07/10!
My last 2 EUM’s both had harems and they referred to all the women as “friends”. My last one I realized had a harem of ex-girlfriends that he was now friends with because he said he was still a good guy and cared about all of them. He also had many young girls, twenty somethings (he is 42) that were friends that he flirted with but would never do anything with because he was… a good guy. This is what he said, all of it I believed until I became aware. But something in my gut always nagged at me about this mainly because it seemed so childish, why did they need all that. I didn’t keep in touch with my ex boyfriends… what was the point, they’ve moved on and so have I. I didn’t need it. But just goes to show… yet another sign of severe need for ego stroking and they get to keep telling themselves they are not bad guys. The new girls and the old ones that stay in friendships, etc with them allow the facade to keep going. The ones that leave are crazy or bitches. It seems so unfair but I have to believe under all of this showmanship lifestyle is a scared little boy that really doesn’t like himself and is constantly searching for the love he didn’t get as a child.
Thanks so much for this…
“If you multiple date with dubious love habits, the moment that someone either ticks the boxes of your pattern such as having familiar characteristics, qualities and behaviours or doesn’t do what you expect, triggering curiosity and a sense of rejection that convinces you that you are more interested in them than you are in others, you will start thinking and expecting like someone who is dating them exclusively, while at the same time, because of your fear of getting hurt, being committed, or losing all of the sources of attention, trying to maintain some of the other guys.”
Strikes right to the heart of what has puzzled me for so long. Why, when I was trying so hard to be open to the new and exploring my sexuality did I become utterly fixated my ex’s best friend – total assclown on the rebound from his very own emotionally unavailable girlfriend? Yes, I maintained others f*ckbuddies to give myself (and him) the illusion that I was a ‘liberated’ woman, but in reality I was eating my heart out.
I had a hideous time over Christmas and New Year. Was so low and lacking in self-esteem from f*cking my soul away on various nothing relationships, doing down any men that approached with good intentions and pining after a man that I knew couldn’t give two shakes of his pissy dick for me, that when I burnt myself badly on the stove I felt pleased. The shock of this emotion sent me into therapy and to finding this site. Since then, I’ve concentrated on whittling away negative relationships (including unsupportive friendships) and managed to build up some pride again.
In my new, improved state I’ve noticed some guys getting interested, but I’m being very very self-protective. I’m eagle-eyeing for red flags. I met a guy recently who was ‘lovely’ but then I factored in the drugs, the fact that his friends didn’t trust him with their stuff and the manic depression… Ooff! I really like the unsafe bets. After some inital flirtation on FB, I’ve chopped it off before it began.
I know now that I’m emotionally unavailable and that’s why I like rocky roads, unrequited passion, multiple dating and one-foot-in-one-foot-out. So now what? How do I find the belief that I deserve a good relationship?
Thank you,
Jo
I find that dating more than one person for me just simply does not cut it emotionally. In Britain we seem to have accepted that as a norm but may be changing in the face of the great influx of dating sites. I loved Jordine’s post, there is much to be said for this philosophy and at times I wish it was mine but there is something about this kind of ‘honest auditing’ which I can’t go through with.. Perhaps its the absolute sense of self- to cut cleanly when the red flags start to appear. I guess I am still, despite earlier trauma a one date at a time person. I think also on a lighter note that I ‘d basically forget details/names/jobs etc…
I have been reading this website for 2 weeks. Also recently broke with a EUM. Its hard but in the last 3 months a have just spoken to him once, that I called him because I just couln,t stand it. But just to realize he is still the same. I am relieve to see that I am not the only one and that makes me feel less guilty.
I love this post because i am tired of reading in another relationships advice sites that you are supposed to act like disinterested and date several man at a time. I could never do it and sometimes it made me feel stupid that I couldn’t do it. But totally agree with Nataly, that would be manipulating a man or being somebody I am not just to keep him interested in me, or, really, just interested in the conquer. At the end after having me a couple of months then what? to start multidating again?
We dated for about a year and a half until he pulled away too much that I couldn’t stand it and told him that his accions were hurting me. I was tired of trying hard and just getting rejection or not being appreciated. So he decided that we should be just friends, but even as a frien he kept acting disconected. So we have a big argument and then I didn,t contact him for 2 months or so.
Any way, i am on my way to recovery, still miss him or the fantasy, but can’t go back to the same.
And definitly I won’t date several people.
Well i feel like rubbish! I was actively persued by a man 3 years ago (2007) who told me he was going to build his life around me. I replied that he did not know me, but he was adamant that i was definitely the one for him. Over the 3 years i have been showered with expensive gifts of jewellery (could not possibly wear it all at once), perfumes, holidays here and there, meals out in lovely restaurants, clothes – the list is endless. He never wanted me to pay for anything even though i always offered. I supported him at lots of functions we went to and played my part well. We had lots in common, hobbies, activities, views on life and a superb sexual relationship which he said was the best ever, we just gelled in every way. Then after a really nice day trip out before Christmas 2009 he disappeared on me for 15 days completely. I txt messaged and telephoned leaving messages on his answerphone and then in desperation rang a family member who informed me that he was ok because i had began to think he must be ill. I then got a txt message to say he thought he was not good enough for me and could not change his ways? Completely thrown by this statement i was bewildered to say the least. He came to see me Christmas Eve and told me he thought he was suffering from SAD. Well considering i had never noticed this over the previous 2 years it seemed a strange thing to say.
Things carried on as normal in January and he reiterated how much he loved me and was sorry for the way he had acted/treated me etc. He then announced he had a wedding invite for the summer, but i was not invited which i found extremely hurtful that he would go himself and not try to get me an invite also. He said he told the person who sent the invite he had a partner but it had come only for himself.
Well to cut a long story short, i turned up at his home with something he had left at mine recently and was confronted by a female who he tried to pass off as a relative. It turns out she was connected to the family who gave him the wedding invite and had been ‘seeing’ him as she so nicely put it for over 1 year!! I was furious at him putting me in that position and i am afraid lost my temper, not with her because she did not know about me, she was as shocked as i was. Well i ended everything there and then because when i thought back over the time we had been together, the time invested in me being faithful it was obvious he had been cheating and god knows with how many more women perhaps. He always had an eye for women when we were out together but as long as he did not touch that really did not bother me.
Now i am so sad it all ended this way, i really still have days when i hurt so badly, find myself in tears etc over what might have been, and wonder why the hell he did not leave me alone in the first place. I did not want all the trappings he showered me with, i just wanted a faithful, truthful partner to share my life with.
I have no idea if this woman is still in his company who is a co-worker, and who he says has ‘gone’, but if she hasnt, i dont see much future for her either, if he can deceive, lie, be devious etc i would imagine he will not change. What on earth makes men do this, why can’t they be true and have some integrity and morals? Why can’t they finish one relationship before starting another and hurting people? Its going to take me quite some time to trust a man again. I am now left with images in my head of what they got up to etc and feel sick to the stomach about everything. Has anyone any ideas of how to move ahead and get over the whole scenario….
I really think he was living some sort of a fantasy with me as he did treat me like a princess until SHE came on the scene!