I recently discussed past relationships and effectively getting over your partner’s ex and received some interesting comments and emails that suggested that I needed to discuss ‘type’. ‘Type’ is a word that people bandy around to describe the pattern of the type of partner that they tend to be attracted to, and it’s normally a combination of the superficial, character and behaviour. Personally I think it’s bullsh*t that enables us to legitimise why we keep engaging in repetitive behaviour with the same ‘type’ of people, even when it produces negative results.

Whether we’re chasing attached men, men that are emotionally unavailable or the man with the blonde hair, blue eyes, big dick and not much else, our type is either superficial, surface crap, or catering to dangerous patterns within that could actually trap us in a cycle of bad relationships. ‘Type’ ultimately narrows our field of vision and impedes our ability to be open to relationships with people that fulfil the important character and value needs as opposed to the negative desires.

But what happens if you find that special someone and then discover that you’re not their ‘type’? Is that a good or a bad thing?

If you’re bothered about not being your partner’s ‘type’, the issue is mostly with you not them, although this depends on the origins of their decision to be with you. If you’re in a happy, quality, fulfilling relationship, why should it bother you that he used to be with one type of a woman and you’re not that ‘type’? Isn’t it possible that the person has outgrown typecasting their partners and is choosing them for the right reasons as opposed to catering to a type that may have been quite negative for them? Or even just plain superficial?

There should ideally come a point in our dating lives when if we make a conscious effort to ensure that not only are we personally happy but that if there are any outstanding issues that potentially affect how you date or engage in relationships, that these are resolved. If and when this happens, it often means that things that a person desired no longer mean anything because at the end of the day having a quality relationship, with a person of strong character, that loves and cares about you, shares your values, is trustworthy, and emotionally available, is far more important than the colour of their hair, size of breast, colour of skin, or ability to dick you around by treating you mean and keeping you keen. If your partner is with you despite the fact that you aren’t anything like their previous partners, it could be because they have matured and chosen you for very positive reasons. This isn’t something to be suspicious of and if anything you should be relieved that your partner has chosen you for who you are, not a subconscious fulfilling of negative type.

Alarm bells should ring however, if you have genuine reason to believe that your partner is hankering for their usual ‘type’ and potentially even trying to get you to change to be more like them. This can happen when they’ve been hurt one too many times or when they recognise that their type isn’t doing much for them and try to find someone as opposite as possible to try them out for size. Nobody wants to feel like their partner is dating beneath themselves; just ‘settling’ or that they’re an experiment. You also don’t want to live in fear of them opting out to revert back to type, or even sticking with you but cheating on you with their type.

The trouble is that it’s very difficult to pinpoint some of the drivers of choosing you if what’s driving you to question where you fit in is your own insecurity. This insecurity will be powered by how you think you measure up against their old type, or negative connotations that you have about that particular type of person. The key thing to remember is that whilst people clearly have superficial elements to their type, their ‘type’ is likely to have had consistent behavioural characteristics which catered to something within your partner. Don’t be too quick to focus on how his ex’s looked, if in fact they all behaved in the same way, because how they look doesn’t mean anything, especially if it turns out that you may look different…but behave the same.

There is no perfect solution to this issue but if you’re both personally happy and having a quality relationship, why rock the boat? People have pasts whether it comes in the form of relationships or the type of people that they used to desire, and that does include you. Be very careful of seeking issues that don’t exist as a way to either seek validation from your partner or to have a reason to extricate yourself from the relationship. There has to come a point where both the actions and words of your partners have shown you beyond doubt that they love and care about you and are 100% committed to the relationship. If either of these things are in question, then you have more than the issue of the type of person that they used to prefer to contend with.

Also read: Having Standards and Toxic Type

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