I recently discussed past relationships and effectively getting over your partner’s ex and received some interesting comments and emails that suggested that I needed to discuss ‘type’.
‘Type’ is a term people bandy around to describe the pattern of the type of partner that they tend to be attracted to. It’s normally a combination of the superficial, character and behaviour. Personally, I think it’s bullsh*t that enables us to legitimise why we keep engaging in repetitive behaviour with the same type of people even when it produces negative results.
Whether we’re chasing attached men, emotionally unavailable men, or the guy with blonde hair, blue eyes, big dick and not much else, our type is either superficial, surface crap or catering to dangerous patterns within that could actually trap us in a cycle of bad relationships.
‘Type’ ultimately narrows our field of vision. It impedes our ability to be open to relationships with people that fulfil the important character and value needs as opposed to the negative desires.
But what happens if you find that special someone and then discover that you’re not their ‘type’? Is that a good or a bad thing?
If you’re bothered about not being your partner’s ‘type’, the issue is mostly with you not them, although this depends on the origins of their decision to be with you. If you’re in a happy, quality, fulfilling relationship, why should it bother you that he used to be with one type of a woman and you’re not that ‘type’? Isn’t it possible that the person has outgrown typecasting their partners and is choosing them for the right reasons as opposed to catering to a type that may have been quite negative for them? Or even just plain superficial?
There should ideally come a point in our dating lives when if we make a conscious effort to ensure that not only are we personally happy but that if there are any outstanding issues that potentially affect how you date or engage in relationships, that these are resolved. If and when this happens, it often means that things that a person desired no longer mean anything because at the end of the day having a quality relationship, with a person of strong character, that loves and cares about you, shares your values, is trustworthy, and emotionally available, is far more important than the colour of their hair, size of breast, colour of skin, or ability to dick you around by treating you mean and keeping you keen. If your partner is with you despite the fact that you aren’t anything like their previous partners, it could be because they have matured and chosen you for very positive reasons. This isn’t something to be suspicious of and if anything you should be relieved that your partner has chosen you for who you are, not a subconscious fulfilling of negative type.
Alarm bells should ring however, if you have genuine reason to believe that your partner is hankering for their usual ‘type’ and potentially even trying to get you to change to be more like them. This can happen when they’ve been hurt one too many times or when they recognise that their type isn’t doing much for them and try to find someone as opposite as possible to try them out for size. Nobody wants to feel like their partner is dating beneath themselves; just ‘settling’ or that they’re an experiment. You also don’t want to live in fear of them opting out to revert back to type, or even sticking with you but cheating on you with their type.
The trouble is that it’s very difficult to pinpoint some of the drivers of choosing you if what’s driving you to question where you fit in is your own insecurity. This insecurity will be powered by how you think you measure up against their old type, or negative connotations that you have about that particular type of person. The key thing to remember is that whilst people clearly have superficial elements to their type, their ‘type’ is likely to have had consistent behavioural characteristics which catered to something within your partner. Don’t be too quick to focus on how his ex’s looked, if in fact they all behaved in the same way, because how they look doesn’t mean anything, especially if it turns out that you may look different…but behave the same.
There is no perfect solution to this issue but if you’re both personally happy and having a quality relationship, why rock the boat? People have pasts whether it comes in the form of relationships or the type of people that they used to desire, and that does include you. Be very careful of seeking issues that don’t exist as a way to either seek validation from your partner or to have a reason to extricate yourself from the relationship. There has to come a point where both the actions and words of your partners have shown you beyond doubt that they love and care about you and are 100% committed to the relationship. If either of these things are in question, then you have more than the issue of the type of person that they used to prefer to contend with.
Also read: Having Standards and Toxic Type
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I cant say i ever went looking for a type in terms of he had to look like this or that,but if i want to be honest i can say that the qualities of all my exes..have been similar in terms of who they were as a person,what they viewed to be wrong or right and i didnt have to go out there and preach it to them…it was just understood..and i shared similar beliefs.
these qulaities in itself prevented them from being with certain types of women..type referring her to belief system,views etc
as for the physical attributes in my exes,they are same and different is the only way i can describe it.
I recently found out that my current partner blogged that he had exclusively dated and sought out a certain type of woman,and it was in particular to race.He didnt say i dated women who were deep,smart,stupid,tall,like computers,.
He specified a race..thats what he was attracted to.he chose them becaue of that
when you discover that he purposefully set out to chose a race..be it they are asian or white or black or mulatto …it becomes an area of concern when you reaslise that he chose a type,.that you are not.
Nml..u have great insight and your comments to me are personally helping me along. .its great insight and i am weighing things…doesnt mean in the end the weigh will favor me staying with my ex..but its powerful insight.
of course there is more to this story than meets the eye ..and its true to say as well..that comment together with who my exes ex was,as a person is not a good combo…seems all his exes with few exception early on in his dating life, all looked and behaved the same way….
You see..i didnt type cast..he did ..he started this,when he went to public forums to express his type taste..years later im married to him,and i have to wonder….
I happen to think that improving how we look at prospective mates is where we need to improve our skills. The habits of perseverance and persistence, with a suitable mate, are very good habits.
I can see Contradiction’s quandary over a partner that states a ‘first cut’ criteria for selecting a partner, and that she doesn’t fit. I wouldn’t think that particular choice matters much. Most of us start looking for a mate with arbitrary guesses about what that person will be like. The number of times the choice doesn’t fit the preconceptions fills novels and histories.
If you are going to look for a ‘type’, my recommendation is for honesty, integrity, discipline, and a joyful outlook on life. Job skills probably help. Some adaptability, since cohabiting, mating, living together, shacking up or marriage — the old life dies to leave room for the new life. For both of you.
I have to say, that not being my boyfriend’s type use to really REALLY bug me because i hated not being able to become something the person i love wanted even if they don’t or may not want it anymore..my biggest issue is insecurity(unfortunately)
My boyfriend’s type was the chinese or “mixed” race kind of girl, probably chinese with something else, it was always the creamy, big eyes, dark haired kind of girls which caught my boyfriend’s eye in the past . Even now and then, he still expresses superficial attractions to those kind of girls, girls my silly parents always use to compare and make me feel inferior to( i was the exact oppostie-tall,deep golden tan,). So by the time i came round to my boyfriend, it was a HUGE insecurity and it bugged big time.
I’ve always known that i was an attractive girl, who always had a few admirers wherever i went however, for once in my life- i wasn’t naturally attractive to a man. Nevertheless though, thats what i thought and one day when i expressed my deepest insecurity he told me this ” OK, honestly, i DID use to go for THOSE KIND OF GIRLS and when i got together with you. All my friend were like, what the hell..you use to always go for those kind of girls and now your dating her??-thats a total contradiction but what could i do darling?! i found you and fell crazy in love with you..imagine if you always go to Prada and religiously buy clothes from them most of your life but then one day..you see a gorgeous versace..you’ll keep the versace even more special than those prada’s ,wouldn’t you?- it was so beautiful and perfect , that it made you look the other way and open your world to extremely wonderful things.” So anyway, if your not his type..but you guys are so happy together and he ends up marrying you and loving you with all his heart- then take it as a HUGE compliment..you wonderful enough to change his world.
Plus, ironically enough..i use to grumble about men always loving me for my looks and in some twisted way- i got a guy who wasn’t attracted to my looks but for who i was…the way we connected was so passionate and understanding, it made our relationship irresistible. At times, there are still little alarms in my brain but i know that he will never leave me and that there’s this hungry longing with intense love, the minute he wakes up beside me in the morning.