I’m not really sure what is so controversial about it – I and many other Baggage Reclaim readers are testament to the fact that the jig is up – Prince Charming is a fallacy and when we go looking for the fireworks, excitement, the happy ending, what we end up with is Mr Unavailables and assclowns galore.
Lots of women attach themselves to dubious men and try to love and change them into Prince Charming. For some it’s trying to turn a frog into a prince, and for others… it’s the equivalent of trying to turn them from a cockroach into frog, and then into prince.
It’s the desire for the ‘happy ending’ that lets so many of us try to extract relationships from assclowns and Mr Unavailables.
We hope our tale will be different. We want to be the exception.
It’s not about ‘settling’ though or even ‘Mr Good Enough’; it’s about getting real, but not in some negative, ‘I must downgrade myself and be with the first semi-decent guy that shows me a flicker of interest and a ring’, but in a positive, ‘I’m going to reassess my expectations of a guy and relationships so I am attracted to someone who I feel good with, who shares my values, and who I can forge a future with’.
It’s also saying ‘I will at the very least have some boundaries so that they know what I will and won’t accept….’
If you’ve been in unavailable relationships, it’s time to admit that you feel attracted to and think that you feel happy around someone who may not be worthy of your time.
You may see more potential in them than exists and in some cases, you’re hoping that loving someone who disrespects you and only thinks of themselves, will cause them to experience the equivalent of a lobotomy and make you the exception.
When we’re not chasing it, we’re going out with someone and adding on our illusions, and as many readers have shared, the illusion doesn’t actually feel that good and can be a real pain in the bum.
Some people can cope with illusions and pain better than others but for a lot of women, there comes a stark realisation that often we can feel alone even when we’re with someone and that we’ve often lost ourselves along the way.
We have to start entertaining the fact that the type of guy we are attracted to may not be appropriate for a ‘happy ending’.
We also have to start entertaining the fact that sometimes, we don’t recognise when we’re onto a good thing.
If we have poor relationship habits and gravitate to men that make us jump through hoops, someone who just plain ‘ole wants to be with you might prompt feelings of suspicion.
If you have a ‘type’ and you’ve found yourself having a string of relationship problems that have impacted on your sense of self and how you view relationships, you’ve got a toxic type and are not interested in the things that actually make for a decent relationship that has a chance of not only surviving, but actually putting you in the position of being happy.
Only the miserable who haven’t realised that it takes two to tango for a relationship and that men aren’t something that you shop for in the relationship supermarket with a list saying ‘Must be my type, like cooking, reading, hanging at theatres, with a great taste in fine wine and a six-figure bank account and a meeting of the minds’, talk about ‘settling’, because they don’t want to get real.
They don’t realise that many of us have negative beliefs about ourselves, love, and relationships and coupled with unrealistic expectations, we subconsciously (and sometimes consciously) seek out men that don’t possess qualities and behaviours that make them suitable candidates for a rosy future.
- We look for men to make us feel things that we can’t even feel a fraction of for ourselves.
- We look for men to fill needs that we should be filling ourselves.
- We look for men to give us security without possessing any personal security.
- We place all of our needs, wants, and expectations on them, effectively letting the sun rise and set on them. When it’s over, we feel like we died with the relationship because we created ourselves on and morphed around them.
- We try to fix, heal, and help men rather because we’ve been taught to raise men from the ground up.
- We also love broken men because we think if we can love them then they can reciprocate because we secretly (or maybe even openly) believe that there is something wrong with us and that we just want someone to see past that and love us the way we’re loving broken men.
- We chase the same types of men over and over again and expect a different result in a fairy tale ending.
- We treat being single like that annoying time that you pass between assclowns.
- We love blindly and trust blindly.
- We gravitate to men that reflect the negative things that we believe about ourselves, love, and relationships.
- We disregard men who we could have genuine compatibility with because we pursue drama and due to our relationship habits, believe ourselves to be compatible with particular ‘types’.
- We chase a ‘feeling’ and many of us respond to our fears, which feeds into the drama.
- We lose ourselves in men so that when we’re not with someone, we feel bereft with no clue as to what we want, like, or enjoy. Our lives lose meaning.
- We make getting a guy and then being with one a focal point.
- Sometimes we turn down guys for really ridiculous reasons and equally, sometimes we stay with guys for even more ridiculous reasons.
- We overestimate our attractiveness and value, often valuing superficial and inconsequential things in relationships which means that we may be holding out for something that is completely unrealistic.
- We believe in soulmates, in the sense of someone who thinks, feels, and acts as we expect them to all the time – it creates way too much pressure and unrealistic expectations, especially because no one is capable of being everything you want 24/7.
- We believe in connections but often feel connected with the types of people that are not conducive to forging a committed relationship. Often we feel connected for the wrong reasons and to people who are disconnected.
- We hold out for the guy that doesn’t exist and come up with a long list of requirements because we’re commitment resistant and unwilling to address our own issues.
Real relationships have two people with their feet in them.
They’re a shared experience with love, care, trust, and respect at the foundation.
Sometimes there’s conflict but as well as being together when the relationship is on the up, you’re also very much together when you have to ride through tough times, and it’s these tough times that can really strengthen you.
Much like businesses weathering a recession, you can get a real sense of a couple that can work their way through difficult things that can occur in a relationship.
One of the things that makes it so hard for us to either move on when a relationship ends or that causes us to stay even though we’re miserable, is resistance.
We resist letting go or we resist accepting.
The thing is, once we accept, we are in a position to be real and do something.
This isn’t about killing the dream but it is about realising that sometimes the dream’s not a dream and that it may be based in something unrealistic.
As I’ve talked about recently, it’s about being authentic and making sure that our thoughts and actions are reflective of the things that we profess to believe and value.
If we are being real, it’s a lot easier to get real relationships that we derive happiness from rather than devote ourselves like sacrificial lambs to a life of misery.
I know from corresponding and speaking with many readers that actually, because of our own fears about dealing with our own issues, if we’re actually likely to settle, it’s with the very types of guy that give us relationships where love, care, trust, and respect is absent or scarce.
Change is difficult for a lot of people but it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do it, but often we find it easier to stay stuck on a type avoiding the real reasons for why we’re not being ‘successful’ at relationships and avoiding looking too closely at our own contribution, making it far easier to come up with other reasons.
- If we give up on ourselves and accept the status quo of being in a relationship that is depleting our self-esteem, that is settling.
- If we decide it’s too hard, that we don’t think we can deal with the pain of letting go of what we thought could be and even dealing with the perceived rejection so that we go back, that is settling.
- If we decide to stay but still complain and don’t accept and look at working with what we have, not only is that settling, but it’s taking up a position of being more comfortable complaining than actually taking action.
If we drag our feet to the next semi-decent guy that we can bare to take our clothes off with and grin and bear it and marry him, that’s not only settling but insulting the poor guy!
Does any guy out there want to be thought of as the Last Chance Saloon or The Last Option?
Think for a moment of what it’s felt like to be treated like someone’s backup plan, the person they default to or fall back on, but don’t actually come up with the goods to – Do you want to flip reverse it?
It’s not about Mr Good Enough; it’s about getting real, being real, and connecting with someone who wants to be real.
We can strive for perfection and get lost, or, we can strive to still be attracted to people but ones with values, good character, and who act with love, care, trust, and respect and allow you to be authentic and act with love, care, trust, and respect for yourself.
That’s not a slide down the path into mediocrity or ‘averageness’; there’s a lot of good to be had out of taking ourselves out of the illusions so we can enjoy our now and create a happier future.
Get two people together who are actually being themselves and you can get an authentic relationship.
Reality is not boring once you realise that living an illusion or chasing one is bloody exhausting and doesn’t actually feel that good.
‘Mr. Good Enough’ to a lot of women is another way of saying Mr Unavailable or assclown. In a lot of instances with these men, you turn crumbs into an overblown loaf and you normalise bad behaviour because you focus on ‘good points’ and potential.
Wouldn’t it be better to desire men who as a norm, are willing to engage with you on all levels and have willingness and a desire to actually put both of their feet in a relationship?
Wouldn’t it be better to be with someone who offer more likely prospects of being in a bonafide relationship with you, than chasing people who offer the least likely prospects and wondering why it doesn’t work out?
I’ll put it this way: you can keep doing the same thing and expecting different results (relationship insanity) or, you can make different choices but from a positive place. I know that my ‘type’ never made me happy.
I’m now with someone I never imagined I’d be with; not because I’ve downgraded or settled, but because the type of guy and relationship I imagined myself with caused me pain and brought a lot of drama and I couldn’t be myself.
I don’t miss drama at all. In fact, when I think back to the amount of craziness, I wonder how the frick I ever coped, but that was totally normal to me until I got tired of being on the hamster wheel and reassessed my expectations of myself, of other people, and what I thought I wanted from a relationship.
I’m not saying my ‘ending’ is your ending. For a start, getting a man isn’t an ‘ending’ to life, but I am saying that you are totally in charge of where you want to go and even when you think you’re not making a choice, you’re making a choice to not make a choice.
Don’t ‘settle’. Make sure your house is in order and that you are acting in line with the boundaries, values, and the desires you profess to have, and reassess who you have been chasing and being involved with, because there comes a point where you have to accept that you can make it your vocation to turn a pig’s ear into silk purse and be miserable with fleeting highs, or you can reassess your route and have more consistent happiness.
Your thoughts? Have you settled before? What do you think settling means to you?
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Great points NML. I took alot of time out to work on myself over these past years. Even when I first started seeing the guy I am currently dating I had to access my intentions. Was I dating him because he had good character, do we share the same values, do I think he is a good person? That was the very reason why I did start to date him. I grown as a person in this situation because like you say relationships are a mirror… I was able to pick up subconscious false beliefs about myself early on. I feel the way that you do, perfection doesn’t exist… relationships take work and through doing that with the person you are dating, you grow healthier individually and as a couple. If that person has a solid foundation, that’s whats important… I learned that, the only way to truly be at peace is to accept the fact that we always are going to lose a person we love, but without accepting and embracing it – we can’t love, we need to let go and let it come to us.
Wow a lot to take in. Settling for some kind any kind of relationship, you wake up one day wondering like the song says “Is that all there is”. How many of us have said that or know someone who has. When you “settle or put up with” isn’t there always an untone of sadness knowing that you deserve better.
Thank you for setting the record straight so clealry and with such precision, NML!
You hit the nail on the head by bringing it back to our illusions, denial and fears – rather than the premise her book seems to focus on, which is a guy as the be-all and end-all answer to unhappiness.
If you do not do the inner work, your chances of having a happy, healthy relationship are slim.
For those womenw ho would prefer ANY relationship to none at all, there is a price to pay for that which they will not want to take responsibility for.
There is a difference between having healthy boundaries and knowing what available and loving behaviors look, sound and feel like — and being stubbornly fixated on the long-held fantasy of a Prince Charming who should want you because you have so much to offer, when in truth, you are focusing on the wrong things.
.-= Aurora´s last blog ..Garden Fairy =-.
Yes, I settled for Mr Good Enough…and I regret it. I am now in stuck mode where it’s difficult to leave the relationship and difficult to stay. I’m stuck between Mr Good Enough and Mr Perfect. It’s complicated.
This situation doesn’t feel good, and I’m only in it because I’ve put myself there. I know I need to take action, let go with one hand and reach out with the other….but which one?? In order to really answer that question, I think I need to find myself first.
Here’s a thought: Mr Good Enough becomes Mr Perfect when I’m happy. Mr Perfect turns into Mr Good Enough when there is someone else more appealing….and either could turn into Mr Unavailable or an Assclown at any given time!! So how do I see the bigger picture in all of this???? There never seems to be an answer, and I’m starting to realise that I AM the common denominator here.
Loved this post. I have just in the last 2 months become an avid reader and have begun suggesting this site to my friends. Thanks, NML
To the point….
To the questions of “why do we want to be the exception”. Speaking personally as an assclownaholic. I think that somewhere in the zone of needing validation from outside (and other unfortunate self-esteem and co-dependent issues), we assclownaholics believe that if we can get THIS KIND of man to love us…. the we must SURELY be lovable. It’s like winning the Boston Marathon with a prosthetic leg or something. Oh how we love to fool ourselves! it’s like a win-win on a sick subconcious level… If he loves me then I have climbed Mt. Everest, and if he doesn’t… well I always knew that good relationships are unachievable and I am unlovable and men are mean and stupid anyway.
Thank you always for such wonderful insight and for daring your readers to get real with themselves. Don’t ever stop!
Another great post!
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog so much in the last few weeks that I gave you a shout out on mine today.
.-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..What a REAL Relationship Looks Like =-.
It’s great to find this site.
I have been reading a site in the US since I ran in to trouble with my AC. Although it’s a really good site it’s lovely to find a UK site. The US site is mainly about Sociopaths, but they sound pretty much like Arseclowns! The interesing thing is that there are men on there also who have been treated realy badly by women AC’s.
Getting back to the post; I don’t think you should ever settle. Better to be a happy and strong single woman than ‘make do’ – I think it’s a sign of low self esteem and it’s also not very fair on a decent man. Would you like someone to just ‘settle’ for you?
I was with a lovely man for 26 years and we are still very good friends, but in the end I just did not fancy him. It was miserable for him and for me. I could have had a very comfortable life if I had just settled, and as it was I stayed until our child left home, but chose to leave and give us a chance at another shot at things.
After two years I did what has been called on this site, a ‘flip flop’ and went for someone very different, a classic bad boy with so many red flags it was like a parade on May Day. I saw them and ignored them, what was I thinking?
I am now trying to do ‘No Contact’ in between him turning up, lying, crying, stalking, threatening. But I have never considered that there might be connections between his character and my lovely ex.
So yes, maybe it’s more about us than them, why we keep making terrible choices, but I still think, never settle, never be happy with Mr Good Enough. Not fair on him or you.
Natalie, I love your post, spot on again!
I was very fussy about men, and then I realised that I cant probably find my Prince Charming (at the age of 33) so I decided to settle with “Good Enough”…it didnt work out, I didnt love him that much, he was nice but I didnt have this mad passion about him…We divorced after three years, I dont regret it. I am still looking for Prince Charming and I dont know if I ever find him, maybe I will end up with “Good Enough” again…but I dont give up yet!!!
I read this after a long talk with a friend who, two-plus years into a relationship, is going to end it.
He loves her, she loves him; neither of them “settled.”
They both put a lot of work into it, went to couples therapy and kept making the statement to each other and to themselves individually: “I want this relationship to work. I choose you.”
Ultimately, their own issues from the past keep creeping up whenever there’s a disagreement, and those issues are toxic when mixed together, like a chemist gone mad.
Sometimes, it’s just like that.
Know yourself first, work on your issues, and love/embrace yourself before you go looking for love — then, you won’t have any illusions about who you are, let alone him!
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..I don’t (heart) Valentine’s =-.
I need all you HELP .THANK YOU
Natalie, you are sooo inspiring :0 Thank you!
@Gina Well said. The fact that you have become self-aware will stand to you in your future relationships because we are 100% accountable and if we want better, we have to make better choices and accept our own hand in things. It’s a lot more work to fight something that isn’t working.
@MaryC Yes, there is definitely an undertone of sadness and we have to totally turn around our perspective on ‘settling’ and realise that we hold up potential suitors to such lofty highs, we may have our distorted sense of our own importance and attractiveness.
@Aurora Absolutely. At the end of the day, we set ourselves up for failure with such unrealistic ideas about men and relationships, especially when we turn down guys claiming that we’re not attracted and then feel motivated by a chump.
@bebe I think you need to address your own beliefs about men and relationships. Get in sync with what your expectations are and ensure that you’re not looking for things that are unrealistic or that you should be providing for yourself. Also if you’re not content within yourself, you’ll look for reasons to be discontent with him.
@SRD Love the analogy and you’re absolutely right about the validation, but also getting someone to make you the exception, is basically trying to turn a fantasy into the truth – a modern, very distorted fairy tale.
@Mindy@SingleMomSays Thank you xxx
@Newstart It’s right that none of us want to be thought of as Miss Good Enough. At the end of the day, when we do our own inner work and hold ourselves up to the same standards that we expect from a partner and also question our motivations, it can be very revealing. You’ve gone looking for excitement – what we forget is that excitement often comes from danger… You need to find a middle ground and also ask yourself what you really want
@Half Happy Soul I’d say examine what your Prince Charming actually means to you – write down who this person is and then ask yourself how realistic it is and how much of it is based on values, character etc.
@Kat Wilder Amen. If we don’t deal with our own issues, we end up sabotaging our chances in relationships because behaviour is mindset. If we can be real with ourselves, we gravitate to real people who give us a real relationship.
@Maria Thanks
@de-lightedtobefree Thank you hun xx
Hello – I love your website – I am forwarding it to other strong women.
To make us all stronger.
I had a problem with this, though:
“We overestimate our attractiveness and value, often valuing superficial and inconsequential things in relationships which means that we may be holding out for something that is completely unrealistic.”
About attractivenesss, when growing up, I didnt feel very confident about my looks. In fact, a good friend of mine mentioned to me that certain guys were “out of my league”.
I’m so glad I gave an opportunity to date/connect, with seriously, everyone’s version of a beautiful man. It didnt work out, but anytime someone hot/cute – put me down for my looks or anything, I remember this: The most beautiful guy I ever met – inside and out – thought I was beautiful too. So, fuck you, buddy.
Hi L, when I mention the whole attractiveness thing, it’s not about denying your attractiveness or avoiding being confident about it, however in terms of actually *getting* a relationship and having one, in the context of that quote, I’m referring to being superficial to the extent that there is no value placed on substance yet people are wondering why there is no substance in the relationship. By all means, everyone should embrace their own attractiveness – but not be chained by it.
Great post! I’ve had one of those revelations where I’ve realized that I have treated good men how ac’s have treated me. Totally based on looks, finances, excitement, etc.. When I do get the guy I ‘think’ I want I’m usually miserable for most of the relatioship, loose myself, over give and so on. Before settling meant not getting the man with the good looks, money that sent shivers up my spine. Now I feel settling would mean passing up the good man who treats me wonderfully for someone who thinks their settling for me. Phew…hope that makes sense. Just in a few weeks of reading the posts I’ve learned a lot, very refreshing. Thanks!