I read one of my diaries from my teens last year and one of the things that stood out to me, aside from the self-loathing and utter confusion I vented, was the fragility of some of my friendships—it is quite scary how we will go out of our way to gain approval or stay on side with people who we don’t actually like very much, or even if we do like them somewhat, we exaggerate their ‘specialness’ by treating them as if they’re the source of our worth and happiness.
Many of us imagine that when we reach adulthood, we won’t have to deal with peer pressure about which ‘base’ is OK for us to go to and that friendship will be easier because, well, you know—we’re adults. In truth, friendship can prove to be testing on our emotions even when we’re pretty seasoned at life and this will be further exacerbated if we have been friends with someone for a long time. We often outgrow certain friendships that may have been established at a time when we were, let’s say, less choosy about who we let into our Circle of Trust.
Debbie’s friendship is established on a rather toxic premise—that she ‘must’ play the role of the one who her best friend walks all over. That imbalance represents one person feeling inferior and the other, whether it’s consciously or not, operating from a position of authority. By extension of this, it means that it’s not an actual friendship because that’s defined by it being a mutual relationship between friends.
Playing doormat in any relationship is one of those activities where you end up effectively ‘eating’ yourself because every step taken towards blowing smoke up the other person’s bottom and pumping them up, is really an act of war against the self that gradually erodes your self-esteem.
Debbie wants to raise her self-esteem but unfortunately people pleasing and self-esteem are mutually exclusive.
These relationships are also draining so while on one level, she might recognise that this is a rather unpleasant arrangement, this involvement has robbed her of her strength to leave. I think sometimes in these situations, you also wonder who you would be if you didn’t have the ‘purpose’ of being this person’s ‘friend’ and the one they take their stuff out on. Her lack of self-esteem means that she finds ‘unusual’ ways to feel special. Some of us do it by making out as if we’re the cause of everything that doesn’t go right in our lives or that we’re the exception, or, like in Debbie’s case, that we’re special because we have that role of ‘best friend’ or partner to someone who brings out the pleaser in us and has us yapping at their heels. We fear that if we walk away, that we’ll have our hot seat taken by somebody who might bring out a better version of this person.
I hope that Debbie is reading this:
You (Debbie) if you want what must be this horrible discomfort to end and for you to feel like the worthwhile and valuable person you already are, must recognise that this is not a friendship and you’re doing you both a disservice by being a doormat.
This relationship must surely be full of resentment—you for feeling like the looked-down-upon-not-good-enough friend who is being ‘rescued’ by having this person bestow their friendship, and her resenting you for continuing to be ‘nice’ in spite of the way she acts. She will feel guilty and then take that out on you and you continue to be nice so the cycle continues. Each of you needs to own your own part.
This is a good time to reflect upon what your motivations are. Are you still trying to appeal to the bully from childhood? Are you still looking to right the wrongs of the past and earn the ultimate validation, because you know what? If you were bullied or felt rejected by someone who you thought was your friend or who you thought ‘should’ be your friend because you hadn’t done them anything, it’s time to stop blaming your younger self. It’s time to stop telling that much younger part of you that if you don’t have this friend, that you’re “nothing” or that she’ll make your life difficult. Start telling the truth.
Fact is Debbie, she needs you more than you need her and on top of this, her behaviour isn’t a sign of strength and purpose but of fear and yes, even weakness. She relies on taking people down (or you doing it) in order to feel big.
It’s also important to remember that you must acknowledge your choice here: some of this is about the way that she treats you and some of this is about the way that you treat you. That doesn’t make you responsible for her behaviour but if you want this situation to improve, you must take responsibility for your own decisions and choices. You must draw your line—it’s a first step in recovering self-esteem.
Self-esteem is not a destination. It’s not a goal that you reach with ‘one move’; it’s the sum of how you treat and regard you each day.
I’m not saying that you need to sack off your friendship but if you want this friendship to continue but you also intend on having self-esteem, you’re going to have to stop complying—that’s complying with your own inner noise about obligation (these are faux obligations) but also complying with your ‘role’. Not playing your ‘part’ will be uncomfortable initially and you might fear being abandoned, but the truth is, you have been abandoning you for the duration of this friendship and it’s holding you back. Your friendship has either run its course or its due for a long-overdue change but whichever way you look at it, it’s time for you to be you in and out of this friendship. If she’s going to end your friendship because you won’t be a doormat, as I would say to my own daughters, she wasn’t your true friend anyway. It’s better to ‘play’ on your own and forge new friendships than to hold on to somebody who doesn’t treat you with the love, care, trust and respect that you deserve. Raising self-esteem comes about with self-esteem driven behaviour and that often comes down to being more choosy about the company that you keep.
Have you had experience of a friendship where it seems to be reliant on you being a doormat? Or have you been the one in the more dominant role? What advice do you have for Debiie?
Each Wednesday, I help a reader to solve a dilemma. To submit a question, please email advicewednesdayAT baggagereclaim.com. If you would prefer your question to be featured on the podcast, drop a line to podcast AT baggagereclaim.com. Keep questions below 200 words. For in-depth support, book at a clarity session or coaching.
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Being kind to a friend in need is one thing. When they start to assume they can count on you for things they should handle themselves, stop helping. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let needy “friends” hit rock bottom. Once they learn that the bottom is solid, they can crawl out of the hole by themselves. Do not let others impose on you. They will suck you dry.
Hi Debbie,
I would advise taking Natalie’s self esteem classes, and work on your self esteem everyday like she suggests. I came from an abusive alcoholic family, and I met a women that had no children , and is 15 years older than me. She became my “best friend, mentor and mum like figure” What I did not realize until I really really worked on my self esteem,(before Natalie I did not really know what it was). I see now that she bullies me, guilts me, pesters me, to always see things her way. If I do not she is angered.
Well 10 years into our friendship, and after my self esteem building, I told her I loved her, but to stop bulling me( I did not use those words)..
The fall out is still happening, she is short with me, she is trying so hard to guilt me into going back to the “old” way, and I feel very good about not going back, because I finally feel self worth, and I want to live my life.
Interestingly enough , as always, Natalie is correct, I now realize she need me more than I need her.
I wish you growth and positive energy your way Debbie.
Do not ignore your gut.
Pamela
I completely agree with Natalie. I held on to many “friendships” that were pretty one sided with me being the friend for a long time. Wanting the people to be good friends to me like i was to them but not wanting to let go because i didnt want to lose them. Then i would alter between letting them go and going back to the unhealthy relationship w my ex then vice versa. Finally i knew i was going to have to let both go in my journey to feel better about who i am and build my self esteem. It was hard but i discovered it is really just easier being friends with people who are my friend. I think our society makes it more difficult now a days because many people want to love things and use people rather than cultivating the quality of geniuneness but surely there are others out there who respect and wish for mutual friendships and relationships. I value you and you value me, mutual or nothing. That is what i have had to learn in my relationships and my giving of self towards such and sometimes we have to scale ourselves back because they are not our friend like we are theirs. Then we can invest more so in people who would like to invest more so with us. It is so much better.
Oh yes, so there was a loss letting those people go and i realized i wasnt valuing some people who had always shown themselves to be geniune friends as much as the ones who didnt want to be. I had alot of quiet time for awhile after letting them go but eventually got the opportunity to more slowly build some more geniune and mutual friendships. Friendships that added to me and where i was accepted as myself even as i have had to continue to learn things (since of course im not perfect!) that at times were new and even somewhat uncomfortable because they werent dysfunctional!
Very well said thank you. I have had the same experience and feel the same way
Over the last year or so, I realised there were a few people in my life where I felt as though I’d been put through a mincer after about half an hour in their company. What they all had in common was feeling they had a right to pry into my business, my past, my relationships… whatever…
Two of them were quite recent acquaintances, so it was easy just to drop contact. One of them ‘operates on a higher spiritual plane’ so I doubt she missed me. However, there was a third one, someone I’d known for over thirty years, and it was quite a realisation that I owed her NOTHING (as if knowing her for that length of time conferred some privilege…!). After a nightmare weekend of constant put-downs, cynical comments and lecturing, I gently detached. I’ve been polite and pleasant when she’s phoned or messaged, but not responded to requests to meet up. If she presses, I’ll gently explain why; otherwise, I’d rather just get on with my life.
Playing doormat in any relationship is one of those activities where you end up effectively ‘eating’ yourself because every step taken towards blowing smoke up the other person’s bottom and pumping them up, is really an act of war against the self that gradually erodes your self-esteem.
I think sometimes in these situations, you also wonder who you would be if you didn’t have the ‘purpose’ of being this person’s ‘friend’…
Wow. Them’s powerful words, Natalie. They get to the heart of the dynamic of lopsided relationships we people-pleasers gravitate to.
These soul-suckers never HAVE to be our friend in return, because we do all the work for them. We have such a need for approval, because of the chronic deprivation of approval we have experienced in our lives, so we hold on to these lopsided relationships, like Pavlov’s dog, waiting for them to again do that nice thing that they did…once.
It is a little child in us that wants things to turn out better than they did before. We hold our breath and wish and wish and wish….
A couple of weeks after attending Natalie’s workshop, I had a dream one night where a little girl was kind of giving me orders, telling me where I should be. She was confident and in charge of herself and me too…. I remember we had on the same clothes, and when she sat down on a bench I sat down on top of her and our bodies merged.
We have to start loving that little child inside ourselves. We have to let her confidence shine out, unfettered by other people’s desire to shut her down.
Don’t make the mistake of asking people to treat you better. YOU treat you better.
Elgie,
This is true, cool dream by the way, would make a good short story.
It is especially hard when there was a parent in the past who belittled or made life difficult for the “little girl.” But, I get it, you are correct on all counts.
Treat you better, and anyone who disagrees is toxic.
Hallelujah!! I have been following your blog for some years now & even once sent you an email if you could include the subject of friendships in your posts. I found this blog because I was going through yet another breakup & was having a hrd time letting go, etc….I started to finally see how I myself am emotionally unavailable & then I turned from looking at my romantic relationships to my friendships, to my family relationships. I actually begin to reallybtake note how I felt around certain people. Did I feel good, stressed, shitty? In the case of friends, I started to distance myself from what I saw were people that were toxic. My friend of over 25 years was getting married to a guy that just 6 months earlier she had said she hated his guts & talked all kinds of trash about him. I only heard from her when things were bad w her boyf & when they were ‘good’ it was crickets. So once she became engaged I was expected to go along & be her errand girl. I hadnt heard from her in months. My birthday I only received a text from her. I was done. I thought ‘how can I be friends with someone who is obviously a hypocrite? A liar & the worst kind, tje kind that lies to herself.” I get it. I understand her behavior. I grappled with breaking up our friendship, with ‘ruining’ her wedding a year away. I knew I would grow to resent her even more, I would hate her. I tried. I really did try to get into the swing of festivities, but I couldnt shake the feeling that I was being used, that I was only remembered when i was needed. I grappled with my inclination to wrap myself up in a victim blanket. I stressed over losing our whole little social circle, all friends for many years. Yet when i thought about it, it was still very much like high school. I felt often excluded even when I was present. I told myself maybe it was a symptom of my own neurosis, my anxieties. But we were just different people. They took me to be the eccentric artist. & really if I’m to be honest, I thought they were boring & sheep mentality. So what the hell was I holding onto??!! My victim blanket. I let it go. I let it all go. Life is short, & in retrospect I can see how I coulda handled the ‘breakup’ with this group of friends in a mature manner. Really I just stopped contacting them & it was over a month before anyone- besides the bride to be tried to contact me. The bride to be I did tell her where to go stick it… Okay so I was a jerk but long story short it could have been avoided if I had not stifled my feelings & had not attached the old “but I’ve known them for years” excuse to stay in a one sided friendship. It had become just a very toxic habit. Thanks Natalie! Please revisit the topics of friendships. I am not ready to date anyone right now. I want to focus on me. However, I would like to know how to nurture new friendships. I feel like I won’t be able to until I can truly nurture myself. Maybe you can revisit or expound on that subject as well? Thank you!
Much better to focus on you. Not the fan of “ruining the wedding” schemes. I have easily 5 or more stories of actual ruined weddings just in my own family, and one involved a sister trying to do herself in on her sister’s wedding day.
All of that aside, I much prefer to spend my energy now on myself. It is the best investment I can make.
Thanks for the post Nat. Always on point.
I have been able to now look back on all of my past relationships, (now knowing the names for all of the behaviors experienced based on reading this blog!) including childhood girlfriend friendships. Sadly, most of them were not mutual, but were me trying to please someone else to be my friend. I am no longer like that, I don’t have many close friends, but the ones that are have been genuinely special, and me to them. There are so many broken people out there, who have no idea in the world how to befriend someone else in a healthy way. I also used to try to “help” others with these realizations, what a lot of time wasted….
I know now what I need to do. I swept away all of the relatives who were emotionally non-givers at the new year. I only talk to a few people now in the family on a close basis, funny, how those who were the most emotionally selfish either did not notice I have stopped calling (older aunts, etc.) or don’t care. I am finally free, once I looked at some of my relatives and realized “No, on no day would I have picked you for ANYTHING!” I told a cousin he does not get a “cousin pass” of trust because we are related, I told another relative his sending forwarded messages with no note or even subject line title, did not constitute actual intentional correspondence to me and to delete me from his list.
At any event, friendships are supposed to be mutual. If they are not, get out, run away and try not to look back.
Thanks for this topic, Nat. I know for myself my EU tendencies were driven by loneliness which stemmed from my own low self esteem and was exacerbated by lack of mutual friendships.
The loneliness would make me seek out EU men and my self-preservation would kick in and I’d get out but then would relapse because I was surrounded by equally EU friends. I’d be NC and still hearing about the EUs my friends were dating, or rather battling/analyzing, and they were so mentally and emotionally checked out due to being mired in EU relationships that the friendship felt lonely even when they were physically with me. Meet ups were usually to discuss EU struggle not any real interests, dreams or plans for the future. Feeling lonely among friends I’d go back to the EU man I’d been NC with and a vicious cycle.
I think my friends were nice to me , and supportive and fun ONLY when they were actually emotionally present which was rare. It could not be mutual. We mostly enabled each other to avoid life and kept up a semblance of having somebody yet we were not capable of being there for the other on any real level because we weren’t even present for our own selves and distracted by EU men. I miss my friends or maybe I miss having an avenue to stay EU and get to complain about it to people who knew all too well about it too. Now I don’t have any excuses and I have to look at all my decisions in the cold light of day without enablers of any kind. Ditching my friends forced me to grow up. I wish them well but I could not stay in the friendship to lecture people not ready to hear the message , heck I am still learning it myself. I never gave any long speeches to them about how they should change just slowly pulled away. They seem content with the merry go round for now but I just could not vibe with them anymore at a core level.
Okay. I really think I can reign in on this one. When I went to college, I lost touch with my high school friends because I left town and became smarter and there were so many things about my high school friendships that were not okay. I made 3 super super close friends in college. Sadly, I moved and they all moved away for job opportunities (I guess not so sad bc we all got decent, even good jobs). Anyway, I found myself back in my hometown and so so alone. So I started hanging out with people based on superficial reasons and basically because they would give me the time of day. Not good. I just ended up being constantly rejected (different than people having boundaries with you). I realized I needed to cut contact with a few people when I got honest about how they actually tried to make me feel bad at times or just didn’t care. Or the whole hot / cold mess.
It has been one of the best decisions of my life. Now I only have my long distance friendships (where we all have a health sense of boundaries) and a few acquaintances. The air is clearer, so much calmer. When you give people the time of day who reject you, you are really rejecting yourself.
I decided to spend more time with my grandparents because they can’t leave the house much and get super lonely, too. Also, I started doing more with my elderly rescue animal and am enjoying her company so much.
Anyhow, you can’t raise your self-esteem when you allow yourself to befriend people who are mean to you or don’t care about you and/or boundaries.
July 6, 2016 • 35 comments
Advice Wednesday: Help! I’m a doormat to my best friend
A friendship needs to enrich your life. If it’s turning you into somebody you don’t like or recognise, HALT.
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A friendship needs to enrich your life. If it’s turning you into somebody you don’t like or recognise, HALT.Debbie says: At the age of 49 I still have a problem of being a doormat to my best friend. I don’t know how to raise my self esteem so I don’t have to depend on her approval.
I read one of my diaries from my teens last year and one of the things that stood out to me, aside from the self-loathing and utter confusion I vented, was the fragility of some of my friendships—it is quite scary how we will go out of our way to gain approval or stay on side with people who we don’t actually like very much, or even if we do like them somewhat, we exaggerate their ‘specialness’ by treating them as if they’re the source of our worth and happiness.
Many of us imagine that when we reach adulthood, we won’t have to deal with peer pressure about which ‘base’ is OK for us to go to and that friendship will be easier because, well, you know—we’re adults. In truth, friendship can prove to be testing on our emotions even when we’re pretty seasoned at life and this will be further exacerbated if we have been friends with someone for a long time. We often outgrow certain friendships that may have been established at a time when we were, let’s say, less choosy about who we let into our Circle of Trust.
Debbie’s friendship is established on a rather toxic premise—that she ‘must’ play the role of the one who her best friend walks all over. That imbalance represents one person feeling inferior and the other, whether it’s consciously or not, operating from a position of authority. By extension of this, it means that it’s not an actual friendship because that’s defined by it being a mutual relationship between friends.
Playing doormat in any relationship is one of those activities where you end up effectively ‘eating’ yourself because every step taken towards blowing smoke up the other person’s bottom and pumping them up, is really an act of war against the self that gradually erodes your self-esteem.
Debbie wants to raise her self-esteem but unfortunately people pleasing and self-esteem are mutually exclusive.
These relationships are also draining so while on one level, she might recognise that this is a rather unpleasant arrangement, this involvement has robbed her of her strength to leave. I think sometimes in these situations, you also wonder who you would be if you didn’t have the ‘purpose’ of being this person’s ‘friend’ and the one they take their stuff out on. Her lack of self-esteem means that she finds ‘unusual’ ways to feel special. Some of us do it by making out as if we’re the cause of everything that doesn’t go right in our lives or that we’re the exception, or, like in Debbie’s case, that we’re special because we have that role of ‘best friend’ or partner to someone who brings out the pleaser in us and has us yapping at their heels. We fear that if we walk away, that we’ll have our hot seat taken by somebody who might bring out a better version of this person.
I hope that Debbie is reading this:
You (Debbie) if you want what must be this horrible discomfort to end and for you to feel like the worthwhile and valuable person you already are, must recognise that this is not a friendship and you’re doing you both a disservice by being a doormat.
This relationship must surely be full of resentment—you for feeling like the looked-down-upon-not-good-enough friend who is being ‘rescued’ by having this person bestow their friendship, and her resenting you for continuing to be ‘nice’ in spite of the way she acts. She will feel guilty and then take that out on you and you continue to be nice so the cycle continues. Each of you needs to own your own part.
This is a good time to reflect upon what your motivations are. Are you still trying to appeal to the bully from childhood? Are you still looking to right the wrongs of the past and earn the ultimate validation, because you know what? If you were bullied or felt rejected by someone who you thought was your friend or who you thought ‘should’ be your friend because you hadn’t done them anything, it’s time to stop blaming your younger self. It’s time to stop telling that much younger part of you that if you don’t have this friend, that you’re “nothing” or that she’ll make your life difficult. Start telling the truth.
Fact is Debbie, she needs you more than you need her and on top of this, her behaviour isn’t a sign of strength and purpose but of fear and yes, even weakness. She relies on taking people down (or you doing it) in order to feel big.
It’s also important to remember that you must acknowledge your choice here: some of this is about the way that she treats you and some of this is about the way that you treat you. That doesn’t make you responsible for her behaviour but if you want this situation to improve, you must take responsibility for your own decisions and choices. You must draw your line—it’s a first step in recovering self-esteem.
Self-esteem is not a destination. It’s not a goal that you reach with ‘one move’; it’s the sum of how you treat and regard you each day.
I’m not saying that you need to sack off your friendship but if you want this friendship to continue but you also intend on having self-esteem, you’re going to have to stop complying—that’s complying with your own inner noise about obligation (these are faux obligations) but also complying with your ‘role’. Not playing your ‘part’ will be uncomfortable initially and you might fear being abandoned, but the truth is, you have been abandoning you for the duration of this friendship and it’s holding you back. Your friendship has either run its course or its due for a long-overdue change but whichever way you look at it, it’s time for you to be you in and out of this friendship. If she’s going to end your friendship because you won’t be a doormat, as I would say to my own daughters, she wasn’t your true friend anyway. It’s better to ‘play’ on your own and forge new friendships than to hold on to somebody who doesn’t treat you with the love, care, trust and respect that you deserve. Raising self-esteem comes about with self-esteem driven behaviour and that often comes down to being more choosy about the company that you keep.
Have you had experience of a friendship where it seems to be reliant on you being a doormat? Or have you been the one in the more dominant role? What advice do you have for Debiie?
NATALIE
Hi, I’m Natalie! Baggage Reclaim is a guide to learning to live and love with self-esteem by breaking the patterns that stand in your way. Whether it’s figuring out what’s going on in a troubling relationship, understanding you and self-care, or being more assertive, I’m here to help you guide you.
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Categories: Healthier Relationships
Tags: boundaries in friendships, having boundaries with friends, people pleasing
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35 responses
karen
July 7, 2016
Being kind to a friend in need is one thing. When they start to assume they can count on you for things they should handle themselves, stop helping. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is let needy “friends” hit rock bottom. Once they learn that the bottom is solid, they can crawl out of the hole by themselves. Do not let others impose on you. They will suck you dry.
Reply
Pamela
July 7, 2016
Hi Debbie,
I would advise taking Natalie’s self esteem classes, and work on your self esteem everyday like she suggests. I came from an abusive alcoholic family, and I met a women that had no children , and is 15 years older than me. She became my “best friend, mentor and mum like figure” What I did not realize until I really really worked on my self esteem,(before Natalie I did not really know what it was). I see now that she bullies me, guilts me, pesters me, to always see things her way. If I do not she is angered.
Well 10 years into our friendship, and after my self esteem building, I told her I loved her, but to stop bulling me( I did not use those words)..
The fall out is still happening, she is short with me, she is trying so hard to guilt me into going back to the “old” way, and I feel very good about not going back, because I finally feel self worth, and I want to live my life.
Interestingly enough , as always, Natalie is correct, I now realize she need me more than I need her.
I wish you growth and positive energy your way Debbie.
Do not ignore your gut.
Pamela
Reply
HappyAgain
July 7, 2016
I completely agree with Natalie. I held on to many “friendships” that were pretty one sided with me being the friend for a long time. Wanting the people to be good friends to me like i was to them but not wanting to let go because i didnt want to lose them. Then i would alter between letting them go and going back to the unhealthy relationship w my ex then vice versa. Finally i knew i was going to have to let both go in my journey to feel better about who i am and build my self esteem. It was hard but i discovered it is really just easier being friends with people who are my friend. I think our society makes it more difficult now a days because many people want to love things and use people rather than cultivating the quality of geniuneness but surely there are others out there who respect and wish for mutual friendships and relationships. I value you and you value me, mutual or nothing. That is what i have had to learn in my relationships and my giving of self towards such and sometimes we have to scale ourselves back because they are not our friend like we are theirs. Then we can invest more so in people who would like to invest more so with us. It is so much better.
Reply
HappyAgain
July 7, 2016
Oh yes, so there was a loss letting those people go and i realized i wasnt valuing some people who had always shown themselves to be geniune friends as much as the ones who didnt want to be. I had alot of quiet time for awhile after letting them go but eventually got the opportunity to more slowly build some more geniune and mutual friendships. Friendships that added to me and where i was accepted as myself even as i have had to continue to learn things (since of course im not perfect!) that at times were new and even somewhat uncomfortable because they werent dysfunctional!
Reply
Amy
July 7, 2016
Very well said thank you. I have had the same experience and feel the same way
Reply
Nutbrownhare
July 7, 2016
Over the last year or so, I realised there were a few people in my life where I felt as though I’d been put through a mincer after about half an hour in their company. What they all had in common was feeling they had a right to pry into my business, my past, my relationships… whatever…
Two of them were quite recent acquaintances, so it was easy just to drop contact. One of them ‘operates on a higher spiritual plane’ so I doubt she missed me. However, there was a third one, someone I’d known for over thirty years, and it was quite a realisation that I owed her NOTHING (as if knowing her for that length of time conferred some privilege…!). After a nightmare weekend of constant put-downs, cynical comments and lecturing, I gently detached. I’ve been polite and pleasant when she’s phoned or messaged, but not responded to requests to meet up. If she presses, I’ll gently explain why; otherwise, I’d rather just get on with my life.
Reply
Elgie R.
July 7, 2016
Playing doormat in any relationship is one of those activities where you end up effectively ‘eating’ yourself because every step taken towards blowing smoke up the other person’s bottom and pumping them up, is really an act of war against the self that gradually erodes your self-esteem.
I think sometimes in these situations, you also wonder who you would be if you didn’t have the ‘purpose’ of being this person’s ‘friend’…
Wow. Them’s powerful words, Natalie. They get to the heart of the dynamic of lopsided relationships we people-pleasers gravitate to.
These soul-suckers never HAVE to be our friend in return, because we do all the work for them. We have such a need for approval, because of the chronic deprivation of approval we have experienced in our lives, so we hold on to these lopsided relationships, like Pavlov’s dog, waiting for them to again do that nice thing that they did…once.
It is a little child in us that wants things to turn out better than they did before. We hold our breath and wish and wish and wish….
A couple of weeks after attending Natalie’s workshop, I had a dream one night where a little girl was kind of giving me orders, telling me where I should be. She was confident and in charge of herself and me too…. I remember we had on the same clothes, and when she sat down on a bench I sat down on top of her and our bodies merged.
We have to start loving that little child inside ourselves. We have to let her confidence shine out, unfettered by other people’s desire to shut her down.
Don’t make the mistake of asking people to treat you better. YOU treat you better.
Reply
Adele
July 7, 2016
Elgie,
This is true, cool dream by the way, would make a good short story.
It is especially hard when there was a parent in the past who belittled or made life difficult for the “little girl.” But, I get it, you are correct on all counts.
Treat you better, and anyone who disagrees is toxic.
Reply
Bea
July 7, 2016
Hallelujah!! I have been following your blog for some years now & even once sent you an email if you could include the subject of friendships in your posts. I found this blog because I was going through yet another breakup & was having a hrd time letting go, etc….I started to finally see how I myself am emotionally unavailable & then I turned from looking at my romantic relationships to my friendships, to my family relationships. I actually begin to reallybtake note how I felt around certain people. Did I feel good, stressed, shitty? In the case of friends, I started to distance myself from what I saw were people that were toxic. My friend of over 25 years was getting married to a guy that just 6 months earlier she had said she hated his guts & talked all kinds of trash about him. I only heard from her when things were bad w her boyf & when they were ‘good’ it was crickets. So once she became engaged I was expected to go along & be her errand girl. I hadnt heard from her in months. My birthday I only received a text from her. I was done. I thought ‘how can I be friends with someone who is obviously a hypocrite? A liar & the worst kind, tje kind that lies to herself.” I get it. I understand her behavior. I grappled with breaking up our friendship, with ‘ruining’ her wedding a year away. I knew I would grow to resent her even more, I would hate her. I tried. I really did try to get into the swing of festivities, but I couldnt shake the feeling that I was being used, that I was only remembered when i was needed. I grappled with my inclination to wrap myself up in a victim blanket. I stressed over losing our whole little social circle, all friends for many years. Yet when i thought about it, it was still very much like high school. I felt often excluded even when I was present. I told myself maybe it was a symptom of my own neurosis, my anxieties. But we were just different people. They took me to be the eccentric artist. & really if I’m to be honest, I thought they were boring & sheep mentality. So what the hell was I holding onto??!! My victim blanket. I let it go. I let it all go. Life is short, & in retrospect I can see how I coulda handled the ‘breakup’ with this group of friends in a mature manner. Really I just stopped contacting them & it was over a month before anyone- besides the bride to be tried to contact me. The bride to be I did tell her where to go stick it… Okay so I was a jerk but long story short it could have been avoided if I had not stifled my feelings & had not attached the old “but I’ve known them for years” excuse to stay in a one sided friendship. It had become just a very toxic habit. Thanks Natalie! Please revisit the topics of friendships. I am not ready to date anyone right now. I want to focus on me. However, I would like to know how to nurture new friendships. I feel like I won’t be able to until I can truly nurture myself. Maybe you can revisit or expound on that subject as well? Thank you!
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Adele
July 7, 2016
Much better to focus on you. Not the fan of “ruining the wedding” schemes. I have easily 5 or more stories of actual ruined weddings just in my own family, and one involved a sister trying to do herself in on her sister’s wedding day.
All of that aside, I much prefer to spend my energy now on myself. It is the best investment I can make.
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Adele
July 7, 2016
Thanks for the post Nat. Always on point.
I have been able to now look back on all of my past relationships, (now knowing the names for all of the behaviors experienced based on reading this blog!) including childhood girlfriend friendships. Sadly, most of them were not mutual, but were me trying to please someone else to be my friend. I am no longer like that, I don’t have many close friends, but the ones that are have been genuinely special, and me to them. There are so many broken people out there, who have no idea in the world how to befriend someone else in a healthy way. I also used to try to “help” others with these realizations, what a lot of time wasted….
I know now what I need to do. I swept away all of the relatives who were emotionally non-givers at the new year. I only talk to a few people now in the family on a close basis, funny, how those who were the most emotionally selfish either did not notice I have stopped calling (older aunts, etc.) or don’t care. I am finally free, once I looked at some of my relatives and realized “No, on no day would I have picked you for ANYTHING!” I told a cousin he does not get a “cousin pass” of trust because we are related, I told another relative his sending forwarded messages with no note or even subject line title, did not constitute actual intentional correspondence to me and to delete me from his list.
At any event, friendships are supposed to be mutual. If they are not, get out, run away and try not to look back.
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kookie
July 7, 2016
Thanks for this topic, Nat. I know for myself my EU tendencies were driven by loneliness which stemmed from my own low self esteem and was exacerbated by lack of mutual friendships.
The loneliness would make me seek out EU men and my self-preservation would kick in and I’d get out but then would relapse because I was surrounded by equally EU friends. I’d be NC and still hearing about the EUs my friends were dating, or rather battling/analyzing, and they were so mentally and emotionally checked out due to being mired in EU relationships that the friendship felt lonely even when they were physically with me. Meet ups were usually to discuss EU struggle not any real interests, dreams or plans for the future. Feeling lonely among friends I’d go back to the EU man I’d been NC with and a vicious cycle.
I think my friends were nice to me , and supportive and fun ONLY when they were actually emotionally present which was rare. It could not be mutual. We mostly enabled each other to avoid life and kept up a semblance of having somebody yet we were not capable of being there for the other on any real level because we weren’t even present for our own selves and distracted by EU men. I miss my friends or maybe I miss having an avenue to stay EU and get to complain about it to people who knew all too well about it too. Now I don’t have any excuses and I have to look at all my decisions in the cold light of day without enablers of any kind. Ditching my friends forced me to grow up. I wish them well but I could not stay in the friendship to lecture people not ready to hear the message , heck I am still learning it myself. I never gave any long speeches to them about how they should change just slowly pulled away. They seem content with the merry go round for now but I just could not vibe with them anymore at a core level.
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“I decided to spend more time with my grandparents because they can’t leave the house much and get super lonely, too. Also, I started doing more with my elderly rescue animal and am enjoying her company so much.”
This made me teary as my 90 year old dad died last week.
Yes , older people get so lonely! Put your energies into those who appreciate them…
Augh my posting copied everything. I -phone drama.
My intended comment was that one reader’s concern about spending time with lonely elderly grandparents and an elderly rescue dog was a beautiful sentiment.
Hi Nat, I’ve been lately browsing through your blog posts to understand what happened to me during a recent break-up. It doesn’t actually relate to this topic but the girl that I was dating had fear of abandonment issues. I still do love this girl but she has pushed me away so much when I have been extremely patient and understanding but still being somewhat emotionally abusive towards me because of the fear. So I just want to know whether it is good to let her know that she has a fear of abandonment issues and help her out or is it best to just forget about it.
Good Hearted,
I have no doubt about your good intentions but you have already broken up with this girl; her problems are not any of your business anymore and you’re free not to concern yourself with them. Have you read Nat’s post on “Telling them all about themselves” yet ? She goes into why it may not be a good idea. Instead, focus less on her issues and try and use this break up to explore the issues in yourself that caused you to stick like glue ,for however long you did, to someone who was telling and showing you that she didn’t want your love. Sort your issues out and let her settle hers.
Kookie, Thank you very much for your response. I was simply being patient because she was going through some rough times. And finally a chapter of melodrama. I’m trying my best to recover my self; which has been very painful.
Good hearted,
Those are all great qualities about you. It’s not wrong to be patient and kind and understanding but I think you’ve found that it matters who we give our good qualities to. Not everyone will appreciate them and we have to accept that. Good luck there is so much more lovely things on the other side of this pain. I promise
Hi,
You sound like a kind & caring person. I’d say it depends on approaching it in a way that understands why you are trying to rescue her from her issues.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/florence-nightingale-why-needing-to-fixhealhelp-in-the-name-of-love-is-unhealthy-p1/
People who lack self awareness do not always appreciate hearing about themselves & if she is aware of her own problems it might not help to have them highlighted by you (someone they had a break up with).
Only you know all the details so ultimately if you think it’s worth it and you’d regret not trying more than trying. Go for it.
Oh. And cutting contact was really really hard for a few days. After a week, not so bad. Now I’m too busy being content I hardly even think about it.
Unfortunately there are people in this World, that are Takers, they do not reciprocate but they manipulate you to the point that you feel sorry for them or make you feel so guilty and you then do their bidding. What starts at picking them up in the car from somewhere, in 6 weeks time has become you driving them there and back 3 or 4 times a week. I have had this done to me. I put up with it for 3 and half years. The person will not be pleased when you tell them that you feel used like a chauffeur for them. You will lose their friendship, but you will not be bowing and scrapping for their friendship. I was lost at first but two months later I am the happiest person I have been for long time. Some people are takers and some are kind and giving. Get a friend who reciprocates kindness giving and love. They will find someone else to take for ride quite quickly, their friends soon become acquaintances.
cheryl,
Ohhhh my. I had a friend like this. I loved him so much, too. He was hilarious, thoughtful, and a lot of fun to be around. But his neediness was off the charts. I felt so overwhelmed. I knew he needed some sort of sorting out that I (nor any ol’ person could give him), and I felt so sorry for the uber needy parts of him (reminded me of myself / been there). I struggle with severe mental illness, a learning disability and personality disorders. But… I still had to do the work of finding adequate help for myself. And, as I learn in therapy, no matter what I’ve been through or what I’m dealing with I must learn to respect the boundaries of others to the very best of my abilities.
Anyhow, I cut contact with said friend because it was interfering with my taking care of myself. I felt/feel so bad, and I miss things about him sometimes, but all in all it was the best thing for the both of us. Mental illness or severe loneliness does not mean we don’t need to mature.
Thank you great blog, I’ve been through the same thing, not anymore thanks to your books and blog….keep them coming.
47 yr old woman here, Hi…
I recently ended a long term female friendship with a control freak. At first I was like “well that is how she is” -she treats everyone this way, her husband, kids, her family, in-laws and also has a very high profile job, therefore “everyone works for her” personality.
I truly believe she is a narcissist and with the work of a good therapist I decided to tell her off after she pushed me over the edge with her demands for the last time and I called her out on all of her crap.
Since she is the “Queen Bee” she delegates the circle of friends we all hung out with.
I find myself not wanting to be around them either now because I constantly feel like there is a big elephant in the room and I know that they are spending more time with her.
Being in therapy on and off for over 20 yrs
I am aware of my issues of people pleasing that stem from a mother who was not around much, not a happy person and later passed away when I was 18. Abandonment issues. I have been in romantic relationships like this and that is understandable why I would cling to someone that didn’t treat me well but with friendships it’s hard to understand why would a friend be like this? Friends are supposed to lift you up and not belittle you. No matter how old you are you are always learning.
I would rather walk the earth alone than be someones punching bag.
The funny & sad thing is that knows she has issues but doesn’t work on them, she only knows how to tell people how to live their lives.
There are times I am real sad over this because I loved her family and now I really cannot associate with them anymore.
They all know the truth anyway.
Thanks for the vent and Nat, Thanks for always making me feel that I am not alone with my situation.
Thatgirl,
I understand what you are saying and the loss you feel. I felt the same way and it hurt alot and i was very sad which is why i kept going back but ultimately i could not sustain my self esteem that way so i had to accept the losses. It was disappointing. It took a little while but freeing up that space in my life opened me up for opportunities of more mutual friendships. I still sometimes miss them because to me were loved and like family but i also remind myself that i ultimately had to leave because they didnt value me the same way. Hugs.
ThatGirl,
If you didn’t grow up in a pleasantly supportive emotional environment, it’s hard to recognize or pursue healthy friendships when you encounter them. It took me over twenty years to kind of get what friendship is about. No it’s not all Care Bears Land, but a friend basically lifts you up, includes you, wants to be around you, supports you, and maintains a healthy sense of self / personal boundaries. I’ve ended a lot of friendships because I allowed myself to get mixed up with people who really didn’t care for me, and I realized I had to figure out how to adequately care for myself. One of the last friendships I ended, the woman was a straight up bully. Thankfully, I walked away, thus putting a stop to that. Just try and be a friend to yourself and put yourself out there in your community in places you feel comfortable / nourished.
Good luck to you, Xx
Jenn
All so true and well said. Its a process like everything else.
HappyAgain & Jenn,
Thank you both for your support, it means a lot.
I feel life is difficult enough for all of us living in this crazy world, let alone having your “friends” treat you as a subordinate.
I’m a very upbeat personality, bubbly and fun to be around.
I am aware of the patterns of allowing mistreatment over the years based upon my dysfunctional childhood.
The first time showing up in my marriage when I was 23 yrs old to a wonderful man with a controlling mother. Wonderful he was, but he never put me first.
Not so wonderful 🙁
That ended.
It then continued showing up in romantic relationships.
I couldn’t understand, why is it so difficult to meet a straight up man?
Because I was attracted to EU men.
I decided it was best to take a break from dating.
A few years ago my gut instinct and inner voice started YELLING that my BFF was also toxic. Once again allowing myself to be treated less than…The devil you know…No more for me…. I have big glasses on now and will not ignore any red flags.
I will no longer stay in any situation that makes me feel uncomfortable.
This is a hard one for me specifically with one friend. We were inseparable for about 3 years, as our kids and husband’s were best friends. I split from my husband and moved 2 hours away, so naturally we drifted apart. My last 3 visits with her, manipulative facets of her personality unfolded as she started heavily trying to impose things on me, that wasn’t hers to impose in the first place; and using guilt tactics when I requested that I have time to think about what she asked and that I’d rather talk about it in person, (texting is Not a good form of communication for us, as many times we misunderstand eachother.)
I realize that she’s only human and manipulation comes natural for some people that they are not even aware, so I can’t really be mad at her for who she is; and I have every right and ability to tell her no and set boundaries. It just sucks, because since I’ve told her I was unable to do what she requested, she has naturally stopped contacting me and replying to my texts. I realize this is a blessing in disguise and Nat has many articles talking about how manipulators will move out of your life when you set boundaries. I also realize that she is probably facing many of her own issues, (she has a toxic relationship w her husband,) and that her not contacting probably has nothing to do w me. I have mixed feelings about trying to maintain this friendship, even on a surface level. I may not have to worry about it though, because I’ve noticed that the best friendships grow organically; and others grow apart organically. The ebb and flow of life. Not sure how or if I’ll respond if she contacts me, (I sent her a, ‘hope you are well and sorry if our last interaction was odd and I think we communicate better in person,’ text.) I guess it will depend on why she contacts me…
I’ve also been in a very toxic relationship with my former therapist. She was my T but then we breached of client therapist boundaries and sort of became friends **. Of course it wasn’t a normal kind of friendship because of the power difference and I always felt like she was the one with more authority. As time went by I continued discovering myself and as I adopted a more open minded approach to life our opinions began to differ and then she’d make me feel like I’m the one who’s wrong.. I guess I knew it was toxic from the start but I was desperate for someone in my life plus there was a strong transference from my side so it wasn’t mutual. I needed her and I communicated and she’d always respond like she wanted our friendship despite her actions indicating otherwise … I guess I was waiting for her to just be honest and tell me that she couldn’t deal with my expectations and so I was always being there for her, sometimes we only talked about her on my sessions, she was late mostly, I called her, she wouldn’t pick and not call later.. Hanging on to that friendship has sucked me dry and I feel like an idiot for holding on for a whole year. She’s 45 am 20..what was I even thinking???
I’ve made a promise to respect myself by not getting into friendships that drain me anymore. Life is short… I can’t spend it feeling like a doormat and not being appreciated no matter what I do. I’m cutting all sort of communication with that T… I have several toxic relationships and am gradually going to work on them till am in mutual and healthy relationships
I would suggest Debbie exits herself from the friendship. No friendship deserves you being treated like a doormat. I was once in such a friendship. My ex best friend was a gorgeous girl, accomplished, well spoken, confident. All the qualities I wish I had. Being her friend I wish to become a bit like her. But then after a while I get the sense that she needed me as ‘a support system’. Someone she would ask to get her lunch, to be always on standby when she wants to go to clubs, takes notes in class for her, do most of the group work for her. At some point I realized, that it was not a friendship at all. And she is not that amazing that I should ‘sacrifice’ myself to ‘serve’ her. With that in mind, I cut the friendship altogether. It was a good decision.
Hi Natalie,
What a truely wonderful post, and yet another dose of synchronicity if ever I needed it.
I have been in a toxic relationship with someone who I believed to be my best friend for just over 30 years. Everything that I have ever been ‘tested’, criticized and blamed for, continue to go against my fundamental core self and values. I kept myself in the relationship because of fear and because I value loyalty, but at what cost! I have certainly realised that she has not been loyal to me and my greatest lesson has been in understanding myself in all of this. I always had the choice to leave and say no but I didn’t.
Recently a situation presented itself which brought about her typical behaviour again and my whole being suddenly says ‘no’. I feel, for the first time, courageous enough to remove myself from this negative energy. The friendship is serving neither of us. I have mixed emotions of sadness/loss but also of extreme joy, that I am finally standing up for me and acting intuitively upon how I really feel.
Go with your instinct and release yourself from negative thought patterns. The fear is a sign you are moving in the right direction!
xx
I would talk talk to her about her behavior and if it doesn’t change or she tries to convince you that you are being unreasonable, something similar, I’d back away from her or let her know that you will no longer accept that behavior.
I finally get it and I do not put up with this anymore. I speak up for myself and require equality and balance in my relationships. If the other person is not willing or able, then I recognize this and protect myself.
This is the first time in my life (and I’m not a spring chicken) that I feel free, truly free and liberated and it feels amazing!! I realize it has everything to do with finally not feeling responsible for anybody but me. The only one I am truly responsible for.
Funny, I have way more energy now and it’s like I’m lit from within and so happy!
I had an older man ask me out last night (14 years older). I thanked him and declined. I started thinking later that that is exactly what I do not need an older man to look after when he can’t look after himself!!!
Independence…better late than never!
Thanks, Nat! Always great insights!
@veracity…
I really envy you saying you are feeling free and liberated… There is a time I was there but somehow I backslided… I guess am always being too empathetic with other people more than am with myself… I’m always making up excuses for other people’s behavior and justifying why they won’t be there for me when I’m there for them.. With my former T I always wanted to end it but then when I talked to her about it she’d give me an excuse like that her son was playing with the phone that’s why she never called back and tell me that she treasures me as a friend and that am like a daughter to her and I’d cave in… Actually I felt like the bad person for not understanding but the big issue is that I was too emotionally dependent on her considering I had been sharing the deepest of my issues in therapy and she’d become like a god to me. I was too dumb to expect her to be more direct than snobbing me… Sometimes I decide am not going to call her then I wonder if she’s OK or not and I find myself just calling to know…. She was like a mother to me and she knew how much she meant to me and how her not being there broke me but then she just couldn’t tell me that she wasn’t willing to put any effort to be there hence I should move on.. All I got were sweet words with no actions to back them up and I fell for them each time and now I’m feeling that I should have read the signs earlier so I could not be in this pain in the first place. I want to get back to the free girl I used to be but therapy has wrecked me
It took me a long time and lots of hard work to get here. I still have lots of work to do and am appreciating this moment, coming this far. The advice and support from BR plays a big part. They have talked me through some of my toughest times and given me lots of tips for standing up to bullies. Thanks again, guys! I had a guy tell me the other day how impressed he was with the way I stood up to someone! 🙂
I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your therapist, that’s appalling. She is in a position of trust and she abused it.
Good for you for spotting that her actions and words were not matching and for choosing to stick up for yourself. I think finding our blind spots is half the battle. The other half is the choices we make about what to do with that information (beating you up about it does not help, it makes you feel worse and keeps you stuck). You’ve got support and great resources with BR. What’s your plan to move forward from here? Whatever it is, I wish you the best.
At the grand old age of 29 (right on the cusp of my 30th), I said goodbye to my childhood BFF for the last time.
Over the years it had become apparent that our friendship was totally one-sided. We always did what she wanted to do, when she wanted to do it. Everything always revolved around her and her life – sod whatever I was going through! She’d always find a way to bring the focus back to her. This would result in period of over a year where we’d cease contact, until she would always extend an olive branch and I’d obligingly accept her apology.
The last time this happened was over her being selfish about something (she was very early pregnant at the time), and by the time we reconciled, she’d had her son and was engaged to her partner. This was always the cycle – we’d break up, then get back together because she misses me, or was in a crisis or something.
The last time we broke up was over the fact that I wanted to celebrate a joint 30th birthday (our birthdays are 5 days apart) but she completely dismissed the idea, and wouldn’t even consider it for my sake. I soon realised that in spite of her promises to do better by me, I was soon back in the role of side-kick and my feelings still meant nothing to her unless they benefited her in some way.
So, I cut her off and never looked back! Even when she got married (to which I wasn’t invited to, which hurt me badly), I still felt my life was/is better without her in it. Even when she text me after the wedding trying to worm her way back in (“I miss you Rachel…” blah, blah, blah), I politely congratulated her on her nuptials and wished her all the best for the future. Even when my parents told me she’d had a second son, again, I felt bereft but still stuck by my guns and remained NC.
Sometimes, I still feel miss her and feel like I’m missing a major piece of me as we were friends since 13 years old, but I love and respect myself enough to know that I was losing out in this weird, co-dependency we had.
What irks me the most is that in spite of how horrid she was to me sometimes, she still gets to come out on top: marriage, husband and kids – all the things that I have wanted for as long as I can remember, and hoped we’d be able to share one day as equals. Sadly, the reality is that I’m 32 and still stuck in the dating revolving door – something she used to enjoy reminding me about as I was always the single one in the group.
Life is so incredibly unfair sometimes. 🙁
@Rachel
I totally feel you because I’ve been in a very similar situation with a friend from campus, who was my BFF by then and the moment I ended the friendship was the first step in the right direction. You did really good in cutting the communication with her but I think you need to soul search and address the reason that makes you feel bad about her still after such a long time… If you deal with that you’ll completely let her go but then it’s a process and it takes time . You have to be brave enough to deal honestly with whatever it is that’s holding you back no matter how hard… About feeling bad about being single,I think life is short so you need to find a way to be happy and enjoy yourself because you can’t really control when you get a boyfriend /husband but before then you can find a way to make that time in between count. I hope this makes you feel better