Olivia asks: At 38, I’ve come to accept that my mother is never going to be the type of mother I’ve wanted her to be. Other people have mothers who are loving, supportive, and who they even hang out with but with mine, it often feels like she’s my enemy. I want to love her; I want to spend time with her but it’s my secret shame that I can’t stand her. I feel safe in saying this to you because you’ve been very candid about your struggles with your own mother and have gradually managed to forge a relationship. Is it possible for me to accept her for who she is and be able to spend time with her without the anxiety, guilt and resentment that often plagues me?
Growing up and in fact right up until I was 28, I envied ‘everyone’ who had a ‘normal’ mother. I honestly cannot ever remember a time when there hasn’t been this jagged tension that can either ebb away into the background until I can almost wonder if I imagined it all, or that cuts me up and leaves me feeling anxious and yes, even ashamed. Or at least it did until I changed my relationship with her from the inside.
It’s confusing to feel unsafe around someone who is supposed to love and take care of you and who you’re supposed to love too. She might teach you to go towards danger instead of away from it, setting up a pattern of feeling confused and drawn towards danger when your fight/flight response is supposed to kick in. When she blames you when others do you wrong and even harm you, or she keeps shaming you so that it feels as if you’re trapped in the sticky gunk of the past that you can’t seem to wipe off and escape from, you might conclude that she must really hate you.
In reality, there’s a hell of a lot of self dislike and projection going on. Highly critical, destructive and neglectful parents are not coming from a place of self-love and aside from having unresolved issues wreaking havoc in their lives, can also find that they’re acting out and behaving in ways that are more reflective of a child role, including engaging with us as if we’re a sibling. Sometimes it can be that they’re so busy trying to make up for what they didn’t get in the past–It’s my time now!–they don’t have the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual space to step up to the plate in the way that we or even they might hope that they can.
Our parents are humans first and foremost and we tend to assume that creating a child and the role that extends from that, will serve as a catalyst for whatever major behavioural and attitudinal shifts are needed on their part. We forget that they have a past, that they’re on their own journey, and that there are some or a hell of a lot of chapters in their story that we’re either entirely unaware of or that we’ve made a lot of assumptions and incorrect judgements about.
We tend to think, Inadequate parenting equals I must be an inadequate child, which is so very far from the truth.
The first lie that you must stop telling you, Olivia, is that most women have a great relationship with their mother. Have those vulnerable conversations with other women and you will find that you are so very far from being alone or part of a tiny minority.
It’s OK to admit that you’re just not that into your mother.
You can also accept her for who she is without rejecting you for who she’s not.
Blood does not mean that you must get on or that you’re the same or similar. Instead of guilting you, acknowledge your feelings and their origins so that you can give voice to your present and younger self that’s been repeatedly invalidated by shame. She matters.
You’re still playing The Dutiful Daughter role and waiting for mother to show up and do her part. The more you try to please her is the more that the resentment builds. You keep trying to behave in ways that might cause her to finally spring into motherly action. You’ve probably tried confiding in her, sharing your highs, trying to be her friend and goodness knows what else and still, zip.
Olivia, stop. It’s not that your mother couldn’t do with amending her ways but there comes a point when you have to question why you would spend your life trying to make her change when you could be cracking on with the business of living.
As jacked up as it is, the more you play the role is the more she clings to her role of doing what she’s always done.
Even if she never admits it or lacks the empathy to recognise what has come before, on some level, you repeatedly trying to ‘get’ her to be a different kind of mother, all while undoubtedly being your daughterly self, is just tapping on her guilt, which pokes at resentment, which in turn pokes at passive aggressive and aggressive behaviour.
I would lay bets that your mother has a toxic relationship with her own mother and possibly one with her siblings, hence some of her enemy-like behaviour. She might be threatened by you, plus suppressed and repressed feelings about her own discontentment with herself are getting turned into the project of creating problems with you.
You can either be a sitting duck that keeps trying to appeal to mommy or you can accept her wholly and fully and recognise that you’re not responsible for her behaviour and never have been. What you’re responsible for now is how you show up and how much you let her shenanigans disrupt your life. As one reader so brilliantly put it, Why should your mother get two lives while you have none?
Stop playing the role and your relationship will change (even if she doesn’t). Choose when and how you want to engage.
Step back. Stop looking for her approval or any change. Stop holding her up to your vision of a mother. Does it mean that your hurts and disappointment will vanish? No, but it does mean that you stop destroying your inner peace. Do stuff, not because you think that it’s expected of you (which fuels resentment) but because you want to. Even if that means that the truth is that you feel obliged to speak to her every day but you only want to speak to her once a week and for a short period of time, that is perfectly OK. You’ve done your time and now it’s time to keep it real before you give you an ulcer with the stress of all of this play acting.
Stop setting you up for pain. This was one of the most painful but liberating lessons I learned. I kept being open to certain things happening time and again because I kept being Good Girl Nat who didn’t want to hurt feelings and who hoped that Yet Another Chance would prompt a different outcome to previous. Eventually, I had to stop hiding behind being ‘good’ and step up to the boundary plate and I’m a much happier person for it and it hasn’t made me a ‘bad daughter’. Me being less resentful and expectant has relieved me of a so much stress and anxiety but has also allowed me to cultivate a relationship with my mother that I’m comfortable with.
Yes, sure, you’re her daughter but you now need to cultivate an adult-to-adult relationship. Be the lioness. Redefine the parameters of your relationship. So many people tell me that they’re worried about backlash from new boundaries with parents but here’s the craic:
Your mother is doing her. Whether you have boundaries or not, this is how she rolls. You can either have boundaries and limit the impact of any shenanigans or you can keep going with the same ole painful dance.
It’s a process so instead of expecting overnight success, be consistent and most of all be you. Be a mother to you and allow love and kindness from others into your life instead of punishing you for being the girl who couldn’t make her mother different. Take care of you.
Have you struggled with your mother-daughter relationship? What have you done to either improve the relationship or to certainly improve your own position so that you can take care of you?
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If my mom were still alive she’d be 103. I was what was called in the 50’s “a surprise baby.” Mom had two kids she’d planned for seven and 10 years earlier, and a career she loved when I came along. She quickly palmed me off on my sister, who was 7 when I came along, and mom raced back to work.
Mom never let me forget I was a surprise baby she had at age 40. My sister still maintains I ruined her childhood (like I made the decisions back then from the cradle).
By the time mom was in her mid 60’s, my siblings and I kicked in a lot of extra dough so mom could live in a fancy retirement home. She was cantankerous and kept getting kicked out for cussing and freaking out the staff.
By the end, my rich sister had rented her a gorgeous house and hired a 24/7 retired nurse to hang out with her. I was paying more than 40% of my net income because my sister insisted we siblings pay 1/3 each. We did not get a vote on my sister’s decisions. I was the only single sibling and my other sibs had great jobs and working partners, so their share was no big sweat.
I rarely visited mom because she’d forgotten who I was. Besides, I could hardly afford 200 mile round trips to go see her. I couldn’t afford much of anything with her upkeep costing me so much.
I tried to renegotiate the percentage I had to pay, but my bitchy sister said, “Pay it, or you take care of her.”
Mom died at age 94. I was sad, but suddenly rich!
Years later, I went to a therapist who dragged me back to those sad days of childhood parental neglect. Lost memories had returned. I forgave mom, learned to reparent myself, and in 2014 finally I told my resentful, cold blooded sister to piss off for good.
I miss my mom and we’ve made peace from the great beyond. I’m glad my sister is out of my life.
And it turns out, I am a fantastic parent to myself.
Happy endings occur when we take control of our lives, stop sweating the past and resolve to have a happy present. YAY!
Wow. I am reading your story open-mouthed. I cannot believe your sister insisted you pay 1/3!! Thanks for sharing this.
I can totally believe it Oiza! My sister has been with her now husband for 13 years. I’ve been single most of that time. She’d 100% insist on always going 50/50 with me on everything. They both have high paying jobs. I don’t.
Whilst I think Karen’s situation is unfair. Her mum didn’t have to live in such high luxury! I also see why her (Karen’s) siblings and she should pay equally for things. It’s surely not up to the husband or wife to pay for their in-laws care, is it?
But I’ve had fights with my sister about financial things too. Like her not always understanding why things don’t feel fair to me given her double income situation as opposed to my single one.
I’m not sure what would happen if our mum ever became in need of care like Karen’s. But I wouldn’t be surprised if my sister insisted on once again, doing the 50/50 thing. Which is fair from a logical standpoint, but not fair given personal circumstances. Soooo complicated.
I feel for you Karen, I’d not like the situation either. But I’d feel obligated to pay anyway.
It’s so common to have the eldest take care of the younger ones and leads to so much resentment.
Good for you for you healing and letting go of your bitter sister, Karen!
I had an older sister like that! She insisted on making my mom’s funeral arrangements (mom went out in style!) without our input/consent, and then demanded we all pay her. Uh, no.
This is the same sister that drove across the country and rented a U-Haul and cleaned out our grandmother’s house of antiques and her cast iron tub! before even her adult children could sort through her possessions.
Come to think of it, she did the same thing to mom’s place!
She was a piece of work!
My mother was absolutely ghastly throughout my childhood and teens; she stopped trying to interfere in my life when, in my late 20’s, I told her that I thought I ought to organise MY career in a way which was most advantageous to ME, and that I wasn’t terribly interested in what she wanted me to do. Not trying to please her at all costs any more was a huge lesson learned. After that I distanced myself from her.
However, about five years ago, I had a very unpleasant breakup just before Christmas, and went to my mother’s a couple of days early. To my amazement… she listened, and listened, and listened without judging… and then offered practical help if I needed it. She’s in failing health and if I ever get a phone call late at night my first thought is that something’s happened; but I will be eternally grateful for having healed the relationship with my mother. I’d have had to do this unilaterally, for my own sanity anyway – but I’ve found it helpful to remember that cruel, critical people have been on the receiving end of that kind of **** at a vulnerable age; they’re giving us a taste of what it’s really like to be THEM; and that everybody does their best – depending on where they’re at.
It’s important not to carry resentment – but it’s equally important to look after yourself. After all, nobody else is going to!
I am so glad you published this letter and the response , Natalie. I am happily married , but still love reading your posts and struggle with some relationships with family as well as figuring out appropriate boundaries with others , as a result of the ongoing legacy of my childhood.
The above issues in the letter are all very relevant to what I have been dealing with in recent years .
I am going through a process at the moment scrutinising very carefully what my “duty” is , and what it is not . It will help to hear the opinions and experiences others have had with this . It is all too easy to go along with the expectations others have , if you are a dilligent person and want to do the right thing, but if you have been exploited during childhood, it can make it very difficult to see the degree to which those are expectations reasonable , and the point at which they are compromising to ones welfare .
I am finally putting my foot down in various ways now. Sad that it has taken so long and that so much has been wasted , but better late than never
Wow this post is so timely!
I’m having issues with my mum right now. Only, it’s me who’s being toxic.
When I was young, I was bullied severely, my mum didn’t care much, she still forced me to go to school with those children everyday. All of it ultimately causing so many mental illnesses/problems and repercussions that still echo in my life right now (I’m 30.) I can’t trust people, I have a really difficult time making friends and I’ve never had a long-term relationship.
So I guess I felt abandoned by my mum. And I now blame her for a lot of my problems.
In some ways, maybe from my anger over the years, she has turned into one of those supportive, caring mums. But it almost makes it worse. I still resent her for not stepping up for me in the past. Especially as she has shown she has the capacity to. It’s so hard to trust she even loves me. Even now.
We just had a massive fight and are not speaking. I know I was in the wrong. But a part of me thinks it’s good we’re not speaking. I don’t want to be a toxic presence in anybody’s life! I don’t want to keep fighting with her and being angry over the past. Even after years of therapy and lots of inward-looking and emotional work, I still can’t completely forgive and forget.
Why’s it so hard to let go? Why’s it so hard to forgive and see your mum as human, fallible, on her own journey? I know it logically, of course. But knowing it emotionally and changing things deep down inside, it’s sooooo difficult!
Wow, psychic friends network at play again. Mom’s birthday is in a few days, I went to buy a card today and I was just NOT feelin’ those “I love you because you’ve always been on my side” cards.
I think TV shows and movies have warped us into thinking Everybody Else has the right kind of parents and the right kind of relationships. My family fantasy is The Waltons. Family interested in each others’ lives and everyone always rooting for the other family member to win at whatever challenge was presented. Parents who tell you your strong points. It’s fantasy.
Reality is few people hear praise or kind words while growing up. At the gym I overheard a young mother scolding her son, telling him he’d better keep that ball he was bouncing out of her way or she’d put a knife in it. He was about 8 years old. I felt so sad for him, I got the feeling that she was jealous of the pleasure he was getting.
And Sunday, I witnessed my mother being totally unsupportive to her 90-year-old girlfriend. And I realized that her lack of supportiveness permeates her life – it’s not directed at me specifically. It just NOT in her.
I am learning to break my habit of going to the empty well for water. Habits are hard to break, but I am trying to reach for new behaviors, where I take care of myself emotionally.
I’ve have to disengage from my mother and set boundaries. I took her off speed-dial and wrote her phone number down and stuck in between the case and the phone, so that I stop impulsively calling her when I am happy about something. She will suck the life out of my joy and abruptly start talking about herself. We still converse by email, very briefly, and due to a big cell phone/security problem that rippled thru the family, I have added her to my FB page so I can see she’s up and kicking everyday — but that makes her have PUBLIC communication that other people see — even better. Plus now she sees that I have friends on FB who love me. I am not stuck alone with HER in this world. She might even have to move in with me next year because rents are soaring; but I am not the same daughter I was ten years ago. I still have to work on boundaries, not just with her, but with everyone.
My Dad has always been the “problem” parent in my life but in the past year I’ve come to see how my mom plays into the family dynamic and am finding a lot of anger and resentment coming up. She is very passive aggressive. She’ll ask me if I want her to do something and if I say no and explain why, she waits until I leave the house or my back is turned and does it anyway. When confronted she denies the earlier conversation. I live 2.5 hours away so only have to deal with this when she stays with me when visiting which is usually once a quarter, when on our yearly vacation and to a lesser degree when I visit them at their house. I would like to maintain a relationship with her and would like for her to have a relationship with my future children but don’t know how to deal with the lack of respect and passive aggressive behavior. The only thing I know to do is reduce the amount of time I spend with her but we already don’t spend much time together face to face and I can’t reduce it much while still keeping her a part of my life. I know she will not respect my parenting and go behind my back and do things for or with my child I’ve asked her not to do. I don’t want my child to grow up around that but I’d like for my children to have a relationship with their grandparents. Anyone got any words of wisdom?
Hi Sallysue,
What came to mind reading your situation was how following through on consequences with your Mum if she busts the boundaries you set, again, could help.
At the moment she argues that she didn’t speak with you about something after she’s ignored it. Rather than getting into crazy making conversations, you could compassionately but firmly state that you made your position clear and then state a consequence… maybe that you’re willing to arrange to meet up or speak next only when she’s agreed to honour your wishes.
It’s hard and you will probably feel guilty but I think one reason she keeps doing this might be because apart from a discussion she doesn’t have any negative consequences to deal with as a result of her actions. My feeling is that if you can stay strong and wait for her to step up to rectify the issues she is making, things will change. You may need to do this many times (that’s been ny experience) but I would guess that she will start to see that you mean business and adhere to your boundaries. Ultimately I think you’ll become closer and spend more time together, but as Nat said and I’ve experienced too, I think we have to be willing to let go of being ” good” or “nice” to relate on a more equal footing with our parents and honour our needs as well as,theres.
All the best!
Jen x
Thanks Jen! Consequences is exactly what I struggle with. I struggle with coming up with appropriate ones that aren’t just not spending as much time with her. But I think I’ve come up with one! I’ve been looking at the situation too narrowly on a case by case basis and that’s why it’s been hard. But I’ve realized in thinking this through that most of the issues I have with her are because she doesn’t respect my house rules or my rules for my dog. So, next time she does something passive aggressive that I’ve asked her not to do, I’ll say “If you can’t respect my house rules, you’ll have to stay somewhere else when you come to visit”. And if we’re on vacation, I’ll say “If you can’t respect my rules for my dog, we’ll have to get separate condos/hotel rooms when we go on vacation.” Then if she violates a rule again, I’ll have to enforce that otherwise she won’t take it seriously. I have a feeling she won’t take it seriously and I’ll have to actually ask her to stay at a hotel next time but that’s ok. I’ll do anything if it’ll allow us to have an adult to adult relationship. Thanks!
That sounds like a really good idea, Sallysue. All the best! Jen x
Hi, Sallysue. This “relationship” you want your future children to have with their grandparents – is it based in some projection that *grandparenting* is a magical state where the ability to honor your desires exist?
The title “Grandmother” conjures up someone who lives to spread happiness and joy to cute little people. Does that describe your mother?
You having a child does not mean your mom has signed up for the role of loving grandmother who honors your wishes. She’s going to be the same person she is today.
Neither of my parents know how to nurture relationships. They are responsible people, but they are not nurturers. When my sister had their only grandchild, they did not morph into people who doted on the grandson. I don’t think my father ever made a visit to specifically see the grandson. My mother saw the grandson more often because she would babysit on the weekends when my sister worked…my sister brought him to her house….but Mom rarely made a trip of her own accord to see the grandson. We all get together on Christmas and there is very little communication among us during the year.
It would be wise to sort out what the reality will be versus what your expectations are. Natalie points out in another post that, when it comes to interpersonal relating, you don’t get to walk up to someone and say “These are my expectations” and then hold them to meeting those expectations. The way expectations are enforced are by boundaries. Your boundaries. So, if one of your expectations is, for example, gluten-free food…you should know that Grandma is going to give that kid an Oreo. It’s gonna happen. You already said she does what she wants behind your back. You cannot change that. You can’t change other people. You cannot control other people.
Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing that can become a family battlefield if “winning” becomes the ultimate goal.
“I would lay bets that your mother has a toxic relationship with her own mother and possibly one with her siblings, hence some of her enemy-like behaviour. She might be threatened by you, plus suppressed and repressed feelings about her own discontentment with herself are getting turned into the project of creating problems with you.”
Spot one for me. It took me decades to realize my mother was warped by her emotionally unavailable parents. My grandfather even warped me, becoming the first EUM in my life and setting me out on a path of entanglements with EUM.
12 yrs ago I cheeked myself into a hospital for what turned out to be psychotic depression (I had a history of depression but a recent break up with an EUM triggered this). I described the relationship I had with my mother to my psychologist, and said I felt guilty for never having loved her. It was a component of my depression. He said “society tells you you must love your mother, your parents. But from what you’ve described to me, your mother never showed you love. So, you are under NO obligation to love her in return.” (i.e. don’t let society dictate your feelings or over-ride your own reality/experiences). The expression of “weight of my shoulders” was almost literal. I mean I FELT lighter. It was validating, and instantly erased this weighty element of my depression. How many times do you hear that sort thing, and from an “authority” figure?! Not everyone will end up having a happy relationship with their mom, or even settle into détente. Sometimes you simply have to let her go, and not feel bad about it.
I testified against my mother at her hearing on being an unfit parent. At the time, I was underdeveloped, undersized, malnourished and was nine years old. My father told me later on that he’d come home and find I’d been left alone in my crib all day, filthy. I cannot remember ever being hugged by her as a child. She seemed to love my brothers and to hate everything about me. Perhaps because I was strong, outspoken about my dislike of our poverty and broken family. Her family threw me out of their home and there was zero contact for 30 plus years and that was A Ok. In that time, she’d gone from an angry depressed woman to an old woman, mentally impaired by strong mess, who’d repeat the same thing over and over; a robot. However, the first thing she did was apologize for the past. Turned out some of her issue was an untreated brain tumor. Some was issues with her own family. One sib killed herself, all three bailed from the home ASAP. I returned the weeks before her death, did her nursing care in hospice. She knew who I was for maybe a half hour. Despite everything, it was an honor to do so. I gave her eulogy and was harshly criticized by her family until they saw first hand the squalor in which she lived. I do not regret speaking out as a child; my survival and future was at stake. I don’t hate her, I understand she had severe problems and was pushed into parenting like so many of her generation. It’s what you did in the 60’s. Not everyone can or should be a parent. Though I care took my dad in various ways for 18 years, I had nowhere to amount of contact that one usually does. He was very emotionally closed, rigid, and disapproved of who I was. I kept in contact regularly but there were times I had to take a break because of his actions stemming from alcoholism and his inability to deal with his own abandonment and abuse by his family. Feel bad about this now as he’s dead but I deserved respect from all, we all do. Don’t spend time with people who drag you down.
Noquay- that’s a lot of adult level stress on a 9 yr old. We have similar stories. I’m a 1970 baby. That generation of 1950s kids was certainly pressured to marry and reproduce (the pressure greater on women). My mom was a 16 yr old run-away hippie trying to escape from her parent’s expectations and fulfill her own creative if ambiguous ambitions. But she inadvertently fell into at least a semblance of the life her parents demanded. And you’re right- not everyone should be a parent. I’m sure if my mother admitted the truth she’d say she never wanted kids. And I honestly believe she would have been happier and more productive without them.
This is a very powerful post. I totally relate to every word. Thank you for sharing it!
The older I get, the more compassion I feel for my parents. My mom was trying to escape her alcoholic father and at age 20 ran straight into the arms of a man raised by an alcoholic. She got pregnant, so they got married. He beat her even before they were married…likely because she was pregnant(and he was not happy about it). Even though she had problems with depression, they did not use birth control, and had 7 kids – one right after another! I cannot even imagine what that was like. I’m sure they were both overwhelmed. She did not drive and was completely dependent on my father. Even though my dad knew she was dependent on him, and likely that is why he picked her, he resented it. My mom was sweet and passive and totally in love with my dad. My dad seemed to only have two emotions, reasonably ‘happy’ and rage. When I came along he was 30, she was 27, and they had 5 kids. I’d lose my freekin’ mind!
My dad met someone else while still married to my mom and dropped my mom like a hot potato and remarried within months.
They were immature and completely unprepared to be parents. They were abusive and neglectful. I vowed to do it better.
Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done, hands down! It’s a privilege and an honor, but very humbling. Even though I tried very hard not to make mistakes, I’ve made a bunch. I look back now and would do many things differently.
I realize that a part of me wanted my parents to pay for their unjust treatment. That’s a lot of work carrying that around and it backfires! I am the one that paid. Part my liberation has been letting go the blame, resentment and anger towards my parents. It was no one’s fault – they did the best they could, their inadequacies were just that, their inadequacies. The other part of my liberation was accepting that and forgiving everyone, me included. It was such a huge relief to recognize it was not personal. They were just imperfect people who were in a lot of pain and raised me as best they could.
Ooof, I really needed to read this! My parents both came from terribly dysfunctional families. They love me, but I have to walk on eggshells when I visit. If they’re in the wrong mood, they can misinterpret anything I say and the torrent of screaming, insults and shaming is just too much. Recently, I told my mother that if she continued to torture me over (totally normal teenage idiocy) things I did at 19, I was going to have to take a break. I mean, I’m 34 years old now and it’s enough already. My father, when he is angry, tells me that my siblings hate me (they don’t) and that I’ve been a nightmare since the day I was born. If I listed the innocuous conversations that led to this, you’d scratch your head in disbelief. There’s never an apology and my mother says “Oh, he was just stressed out”. Well, I’m sick of being stressed out and I’m giving myself a vacation from them until I’m good and ready! Nat, thank you as always for reminding me to take care of me.
This is such a painful read. I’m so glad that I’m at a point in my life where I can say that I can see my mother for the person she really is – someone multi-faceted and REAL and it’s made it that much easier to forgive and have sympathy for her and for me and the difficult life we’ve had together.
Thank you, Nat, for understanding and validating all of us who do not have the loving mother that we would have liked and that we deserved or deserve to have.
Having repeatedly tried to put down boundaries which were ridden rough-shod over and unable to deal with the toxic fall out of my mother’s own wounds (yes, her mother was a royal b**** to her too), I have felt that I have no choice but to keep my distance. The sad thing is that although this was not a decision I took lightly or really wanted to take, the pain of separation is absolutely nothing compared to the pain of being stuck in a rinse & repeat cycle of continuing emotional abuse.
Walking away and keeping away is sometimes the only thing you can do to preserve what is left of your self-esteem and your precious sanity.
Natalie, I have to admit that my relationship with my mother was really strained at times, but I didn’t live close, so it was easier to get away from her for a while, but since she has passed away a few years ago, I have to say that I miss her every day.