It’s not uncommon for children who grew up around dysfunctional people to end up in engaging with similar people in adulthood. Despite recognition on a number of levels about how toxic it is, they’re repeatedly drawn to the perceived opportunity to right the wrongs of the past. While if you’re doing this you may be conscious of it, many people genuinely don’t recognise it until they begin working on themselves or they experience an epiphany such as realising that they’re going out with a mirror image of their father.
Righting the wrongs of the past centres on the assumption that if you can successfully correct someone in your present who possesses similar issues or brings out the same need for approval and acceptance, that it will cancel out the past or at least give you that longed for validation that you may believe will be the start of everything improving. It’s also getting stuck on your principles – “I wouldn’t behave in that way and it’s outrageous that they continue to behave in such a disrespectful manner…so I’ll keep trying to teach an old dog new tricks while being miserable.”
Here’s the thing: it would be a hell of a lot easier for this woman for instance, to assert herself if she didn’t keep choosing people and situations where she is dealing with someone who is aggressive – they seek to get what they need, want and expect by force.
These people are who they are. Instead of trying to revolutionise the wheel, accept these differences and go and assert yourself with people who actually know how to be assertive without busting up your boundaries. Learn through trial and error instead of veering between being in battle and accepting failure from the outset so being resigned to misery.
If you’re trying to learn how to be assertive with aggressive people or continuing to be passive by default, you won’t learn how to be assertive because you will just keep getting trampled on! Be ‘right’ from afar in healthier relationships and leave these people to their own brand of chaos!
Sometimes righting the wrongs of the past is about whatever you think it was you ‘failed’ to do as a child and trying to fix / heal / help and it’s guaranteed that you’ve assumed the blame for something that was very far from being your responsibility. Also when you’ve had to jump through hoops for validation, affection and love, the only situations, love and attention that appear attractive are those that you have to suffer for. It’s what you know – it feels like home.
I spent my relationships trying to make men stay by being compliant (read: a boundaryless people pleaser) because I assumed responsibility for why my parents hadn’t been together since I was three or why my father hadn’t at least been around in some capacity. I also lived in fear of messing up in some way and so I did a lot of approval seeking in an attempt to get what I’d been seeking from my mother.
Of course hindsight is 20:20 vision and I now know that if you’re going out with people who are like your parents or some other unhealthy reflection of your childhood, this is a code red alert.
When you put your childhood on repeat it stops you from being a fully-fledged adult because you take up a default child role in your relationships where you automatically assign power to the person you’re giving a parent role to. Of course if you give power they will use it.
It’s also important to recognise that when you’re still in a role from childhood, these habits of thinking and behaviour have been learned and developed for dealing with a specific set of people that have typical behaviours and situations associated with them. You learned over time to quickly ‘read’ typical situations you experienced and have automatic responses due to you having associated certain responses and outcomes with certain cues and triggers.
Example: you hear raised voices and your body tenses and maybe you get a whoosh of thoughts and then you try to make yourself ‘invisible’ so that you don’t get drawn into things or maybe you try to be a peacemaker. You now assume that if A happens then B probably will and that you will then get C and then you assume that this is what happens for any and all situations where you feel/see/hear similar.
Continuing the role in adulthood means that you’re using a customised role designed for your childhood as a default role for the world at large – you expect ‘everyone’ to behave and think as you’ve come to expect and assume that you must continue to think, see, and act in the same way and try to be the exception to the rule. The role of course bears no relevance… unless you’re around similar people…
Shedding this role can be like staying in a job you hate – it can seem easier to hold on to the role you’ve adopted or even had imposed upon you because it’s what you know and fits around your belief system whereas shedding it would mean change; lots of it.
The trouble with any default role is that it locks you off from discovery, due dilligence, experience and having an active response – being assertive. You end up doing lots of unnecessary stuff and it essentially makes no difference who is in front of you or what situation you’re in because you treat everything the same and expect similar outcomes.
The world isn’t a giant-sized version of your childhood. It wasn’t a dress rehearsal so your past doesn’t have to be your present or your future. When you treat certain people like they’re templates for ‘everyone’, you’re assuming that they were ‘right’ and like every word that came out of their mouth was the gospel truth. It’s as if they’ve still got the keys to drive your life and play your soundtrack. If you weren’t treated as the valuable, worthwhile human being that you are, they weren’t “right” so stop agreeing with these people.
One of the things I worked out when I embarked on this journey of changing my life was that I only had to continue feeling, acting and appearing the same way if I kept choosing similar situations and people and of course kept doing what I’d always done. Sure it was comfortable in the sense that I could do, think and be this stuff with my eyes closed and little real thinking and conscious action but it would just lead to more of the same. I couldn’t take anymore.
Sure I’ve met people like some from my childhood but it’s funny how I’ve met less of them since I’ve dealt with what I can control – me. My default role wasn’t working for me plus there is no romantic relationship, friendship, work relationship etc, that could fill any voids created by my parents or anyone else from my childhood. Even they couldn’t fill these – my self-esteem is mine to fill and my childhood is done.
You can let your past be your past when you don’t keep introducing replica figurines from it into your present. As long as you take the blame for stuff from your childhood, you have yet to learn and are still treating you like you deserve less than love, care, trust and respect. Other people’s inadequacies aren’t a reflection of your own inadequacies. The more time you spend trying to fix a past that’s already happened is the less time and energy you have to face forward and live your own life. You have the power and control for your own life – use it.
Your thoughts?
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great post I think that assertiveness comes with age I no longer am the quiet passive girl that was abused by there schzophrenic mom i miss my mom she gone 15 years now im the crazy in a much better way mom I think this asseriveness comes with age it just comes to a point where your experiences have been such that you no longer cow down to the people that you no longer should be cowing down to
ive got to be honest i still have trouble talking about what i like in bed and ive been married 23 years to my best friend and i still dont feel comfortable being pleased in bed id rather do the pleasing
Perfect. And timely. That is all.
“… my self-esteem is mine to fill and my childhood is done.”
I was a neglected and emotionally jerked around as child. So, maybe it’s time to quit letting it dictate who I am today. My worth was not decided or designated when I was three by my socio/narc father. His was.
my thoughts exactly with me i was my mother
ment to say with me it was my mother mny years there was a book here in america called toxic parents that dealt with this issue
Selkie, Absolutely right! I am right there with you.
”when you’ve had to jump through hoops for validation, affection and love, the only situations, love and attention that appear attractive are those that you have to suffer for. It’s what you know – it feels like home”.
Bit of a revelation that part.
Great post.
I agree entirely. It’s only been in recent years that my daughter has pointed out just how dysfunctional my childhood was. I must have done OK then as a parent, as she is not the submissive, compliant, apologiser that I was. I stopped talking to my father about 7 years ago, when in a blinding flash I realised that he was never going to change. I couldn’t take the heart-ache of trying to maintain a relationship, always on his terms, or the aggressive response I got if I tried to negotiate those terms. But my question is, how much of our pattern repeating is because we only really understand those people, and that way of functioning? The familiarity factor, if you like. For half of my life, I thought I was just being a ‘nice’ person, but I was in fact deferring to everyone else’s feelings. I had suppressed my own to such an extent that I didn’t really feel them. How do we re-learn the skills that we’ve never had, when they feel so foreign?
Jufo, I found therapy helpful for that. I believe that if you suppress your feelings for too long, your health will suffer. Best to you.
I agree with Learner, Jufo. Perhaps u could start by identifying your feelings first. I know many women who are not readily able to articulate their feelings accurately. Also, u might work on believing u are just as important as anyone else
Wow, reading that articulated my feelings and my life so well. I’ve been reading your for blog for almost two years and that was the coming of age piece for me. I’ve learnt about and implemented loads of your ideas.
The journey has been so very hard with incredible losses. The last few days have been the toughest yet but I think I’m ready to turn another new corner away from my past.
Your blog has given me an fantastic emotional education and a infinitely better new life. The other greatest piece of advice on this journey was from my great Aunt of 89. She recommended a kind man above all else. I can thoroughly recommend it 🙂
Natalie, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing with me what my parents couldn’t and helping me to heal myself.
Wow your aunty sounds so sweet 🙂 And yes,she is very right!
First, Natalie: <3
Second: "Righting the wrongs of the past centres on the assumption that if you can successfully correct someone in your present who possesses similar issues or brings out the same need for approval and acceptance, that it will cancel out the past or at least give you that longed for validation that you may believe will be the start of everything improving."
I wonder if you've read about Imago Relationship Theory? That's a pretty exact summary of it. The gist of IRT is that we seek out people who mirror our parents' worst traits and then try to heal by *this time* getting the result we want. (For instance, your dad never played catch with you, so you find a man or woman who's distant and perhaps abusive like your dad and…well…convince him or her to play "catch" :-).
Lawrence. I perceived that that is basically the same thing Natalie was saying here. You see a difference?
Wow. Again great timing this post. I am in a big conflict with a female friend of mine. We keep having these huge conflicts which we seem not to get resolved anymore. It’s getting bigger and bigger in the years passing by. I even ‘did’ something which I normally not do, which is doing something she should know about and I didn’t tell her (of course involving someone from the male species). I kept it a secret and therefor other people had to keep it a secret too. Wrong. And I knoooow, I so know. This is not ‘me’. But then again it is, cause I chose to, so, here I am. But it meant more to me to keep it shut then to go through a big confrontation again…with her. The thing is that she is always very agressive to me and that makes me feel instant ‘small’, unworthy, deceitfull, all those things I’m trying all my life and acting upon NOT to be…. And then…I get really really angry about it, but only after we had the so called confrontational talks. And always after that I remember my childhood. Which was a very abusive, violent one. But I got out that childhood pretty good, I fought very hard for that and have some very wonderful (non toxic) people in my life. I have a career and all. But she/ and those confrontation situations are always a ‘thing’ in my life. It has such deep impact on me. People tell me I have to stop the friendship. We had some pauses on and off ( not speaking for a while etc). And then talking, understanding eachother and make up. But now everything is back to square one, cause she found ot ‘the secret’. Well I can rant about this much longer, the thing is, this post made me realise it is something from my past. When she raises her voice I get passive very easily, I want it and especially her to stop. But this is not how I normally react, usually I DO speak up. Only with her I don’t. I let her go over my boundaries, again and again and again…Just to keep everything safe and sound, so to say. And this post made it so much clearer to me, only I can’t tell her this, I know she wouldn’t understand this (Bringing up my past in relation with her. That would be a easy way for me to get the confrontation out of the way ). I don’t know how to explain this to her. I am the bad girl in this story happening now, so she is right this time which frustrates me a lot. We’ll have a talk soon about what happened and I want it to be resolved. But at the other hand I want her to leave me be. Cause after so many years I don’t know how to deal with this anymore, I just don’t…I don’t know why she has such influence on me and why it keeps hitting me so hard, why she has power over me. Reading this post makes me go like hell yes, I know what you are saying, but at the other hand for the first time of my life I don’t know what to do. Anyone?
Tiger,
Why do you feel obligated to stay in the friendship? Why not just end it?
Allison, thank you for your reply. Well I never ended it because indeed I felt obligated to her and could not make the step to let her go. Today I did. I showed her all my boundaries and told her how she made me feel. And.. I ended it. I feel so relieved. Wow. I handled this situation like I did with the last major narc assclown and I am really proud of myself. Thanks to Natalie and her ever eye opening words.
you will have to go NC to end this abusive friendship. It will never get better. You are her punching bag whenever you behave in a way that she doesn’t agree with. It’s extremely unhealthy.
Thank you Mak. Right on the spot you are. This was exactly what I realised when I was having ‘the talk’ with her the other day. I felt literally like a punching bag. But this time I was punching back big time. Not proud of all the things I’ve said, I wasn’t miss nice this time, I was really hard on her, but I had to. I ended the relationship right there and told her NC. I feel a bit sad but also very, very relieved. Lots of negative energy flowing out to bring the positive right back in. Thank you all wonderfull Baggage Reclaim peops. Love.
As always Natalie, your advice and posts are SPOT ON… thank you for sharing your wisdom…
Ever since I bailed out of the family at 17, I have made it a point to figure out why my family was a damaged as it was and assiduously avoid being with people with the values, life choices, and lifestyle my parents had. No alcoholics, anti intellectuals, unhealthy by choice folks, no wanna be white suburbia, no taking out your ruined lifes frustrations on others, no having children you are not interested/able to care for. Perhaps the one thing in life I have done right. My estranged surviving brother tried to fix his past and it has been a disaster; married someone to replace our mother, same issues, unfortunately he had (unwanted) children and is passing the damage along. Sad.
You don’t just figure this out once, either. Life keeps giving you opportunities to see things in the old ways, or to try to experience the world differently.
Some things I’m grappling with now: I remember when I told my folks I would do this PhD, I clearly remember my dad’s approval. Now that I’m done and I look at the choices I’ve made and would continue to have to make to stay in this kind of work, I ask myself, did I want this kind of work or did I want stability, respect, the feeling that I had elders who would guide me? Did I choose an almost impossible path (trying to be successful and financially comfortable AND be an artist) because that’s the path my father failed at and for which we all suffered? I’m nearly 40, without property or a family, and still trying to prove “it” can be done?
Also, this very random opportunity has come up: I gave a talk a couple weeks ago that has led to our version of BBC/NPR wanting to hire me for a short contract. They want to offer me an honorarium and send me around the country for six weeks to write about national feeling. Do you know that I have these “talks in my head” where they try to take advantage of me and I have to set them straight, or where I imagine them saying, “Ooh, Magnolia is one tough cookie”? I just countered their offer and felt all the anxiety and “bad, ungrateful girl” feelings I had the last time I (successfully) negotiated a contract. But WTF? It’s like I’m looking for a fight because they approached me with a deal. My immediate thought is: you just see someone you can get for cheap. So I’m trying to focus on the best possible outcome, not the worst.
I’m very aware of being the only professional in my family, having grown up wanting to fix my parents’ debt and buy them a house, and not having older family members who have been successful in business or government who might be solid role models. I almost posted about this in the loneliness thread because I realize that I’ve sought a kind of social belonging and confidence (a sense of a man who belongs to his community, who can handle himself in business, who has colleagues) through the men I dated in my mid-late 30s.
As I have now exhausted all my possible student days (unless I consider doing another degree? :)), it’s time to consider being an adult in the world and frankly it scares me. I realize that I keep longing for a man to tell all my troubles to. But then giving that a moment’s thought reminds me that I’m looking for a fantasy, if I don’t imagine that a real partner could have troubles of his own at the same time, or that he just could not know how to help me. I’ve already dated men who tried to hide that they don’t know how/can’t/don’t care to help.
I’m on my own and trembling inside at all the decisions before me. But I think I’m now conscious of the ways I made decisions that were about trying to fix having been bullied, feeling excluded or feeling neglected. So now what informs my decisions?
I’m not sure, exactly. I guess it’s time for a stock-taking of my values and goals.
Magnolia, I agree. It’s amazing how many aspects of our lives are influenced by those childhood patterns and ways of relating. I am older than you, and still figuring out some of this blast from the past shizzle. All the best to you as you take stock of your values and go make those big decisions!
mags-
i totally get what you’re saying. yes, we need to leave behind existing/old identities to embrace new ones, but that’s good! that’s freedom! you’re still you, you’re just not guided by the old agendas.
some thoughts-
– there is no need to be perfect. it doesn’t exist, so don’t even try. we all make “mistakes”. if you find you’ve made a decision that turns out to not work for you, then just change it.
– be true to YOU. no one else.
– try to decide what you are FOR, not what you are AGAINST. we with nasty pasts have all tried to NOT be the examples we grew up with. living in reaction to something else just backs us into a different corner. now it is time to stop not being what we don’t want and to start being what we want.
(((mags)))
This is spot on! An ex-boyfriend ( 3 years ago) that I don’t communicate with in any manner as it isn’t healthy for me to be around, told a mutual friend that he doesn’t think we have had closure. I was feeling like maybe because I don’t want to be his friend that he doesn’t think there is closure as he is “Great friends with all his exes”. This post reminds me that if I choose to not have those triggers and bad energy from someone that I allowed to influence me previously – that’s it is OK – I can move into the future knowing that I have closure and self confidence. What this ex feels or needs is not my responsibility and those are things he needs to work out on his own.
Thanks for the reminder Natalie!!!
Great post Natalie
A lot of what you have said here is me all over.
Passive, people pleaser, florence knighting gale of a co dependant. I’m working on it because I too, am sick of all the pain.
This post made me cry Natalie – so accurate for me and one sentence “Also when you’ve had to jump through hoops for validation, affection and love, the only situations, love and attention that appear attractive are those that you have to suffer for. It’s what you know – it feels like home” does not relate quite so much to me (though it must in some way or I wouldn’t have sought help) but for my brother who has a very messed up head where his relations with women are concerned. I’m thinking of telling him about Baggage Reclaimed. Meantime, I have shed people in the past who tried to bully me. I have always thought I took the coward’s way out by not confronting them and simply walking away. Perhaps it was the only sane thing to do though, and I do feel these days that I’m not surrounded by so many people trying to control me. However, I still need to be more assertive and to fix in my mind what my values and boundaries are and not try to be a people pleaser all the time.
Gillyfleur: “Meantime, “I have shed people in the past who tried to bully me. I have always thought I took the coward’s way out by not confronting them and simply walking away. Perhaps it was the only sane thing to do though”
Yes, walking away is often the only sane thing to do.
Thank you for that Rosie.
I really identified with this post. Thank you x
A really interesting post Natalie. I was never really treated as a child, well, not past the age of about 5. After my father left, and my mother made it impossible for him to see me, I was just treated as an extesnion of her. I had no real sense of self and no boundaries. I was punished if I had any views that were not hers and she lied, manipulated and emotionally abused me every single day.
I know this sounds weird to anyone who grew up in a regular household, but I really didn’t know that this wasn’t “normal.” Not for a long time. It suddenly dawned on me that my mother had never told me she loved me and never hugged me or said anything remotely positive about me.
When I started trying to get my PhD in the ex narc who brought me to BR, I kept coming across things about narc mothers and saw so many similarities it was shocking. Here was my answer!
After the love bombing, fast forwarding stage, the ex narc started the devaluing and THAT was when it all started to feel horribly familiar. I ditched him and I got out and have been NC for 6 months. This has been incredibly hard for me, but staying with him would have felt comfortable in a dysfunctional, horrible way. I have learnt from my past and I will use that information in making better choices for myself in the future. Not just in romantic relationships, which I may or may not have, but in ALL my relationships.
I am also NC with Momster again, and funnily enough, that does NOT feel hard or difficult. It just feels right.
I think we should try to recognise where our behaviour stems from, but there is no point in using FOO issues as an excuse for staying in unhealthy relationships. The only person we should be trying to control is ourselves.
Tabitha
That sounds similar except my father didn’t leave my mother. He was just always at work so she brought us up pretty much on her own. She was, and still is, very remote. She has never told me she loves me. Last time I saw her I started crying when it was time to say goodbye, and she just walked off and started talking to her dog!!! I avoid seeing her as much as possible, as awful as that sounds. She never beat me up or neglected me physically, but emotionally she is totally absent. I would jump through hoops for any validation. I am an over achiever and also did a PhD, I’m sure for a bit of validation from my mother! I think that instead of feeling proud of me she felt threatened. We will never get on with each other sadly. We are not officially NC but that’s the way it is. We talk a few times a year on the phone and I see her no more than once a year (each time is hugely stressful).
Well done for the 6 month NC with the ex narc. All the best.
I am new to Baggage Reclaim – a week now, and a week of NC successfully achieved. I have learnt so much from the posts here and I am blown away by Natalie’s wisdom, insight and generosity. Every post seems timely and relevant and I am so so grateful. Thank you Natalie.
Hello Natalie,
Wow, that post came at the right day.I was struggling really hard with my own life yesterday,which was exactly the 2 months NC day with the AC…
The funny thing is, I always KNEW and FELT that the men I chose replicated my brother or my father.I felt the deep feeling of knowing this people,of familiarity.And as soon as I met them, especially with the AC that became my epiphany relationship,I started to feel from the first second on that I HAD to please him and there was a deep desire in me to please him.He reminded me more of my father,in earlier days (my father has changed so much and I love him so much nowadays,but he used to be very narcisstic and emotional unavailable when I was younger and he was either ignoring me or we were in a constant fight)than ANYONE I have ever met.
This is why I chose him and in the end he behaved worse than my father,my brother and all the other ACs in my former relationships together.But after all,he became my epiphany relationship and I am thankful for that.
But I keep asking myself how can really “change” this patterns. I am going to see a hypnosis therapist soon and also I will have a therapy with a regular psychologist.
Sometimes ist just feels like I am trying “too hard” to change. Is that possible? Because I constantly remind myself of how I don´t want to be and which situations I don´t want to fall back into. But maybe this is important and things WILL eventually evolve into the ME I really am.
Do you people know this feeling too?
I did Natalie´s recommendation: Write your dating history. And since then I am very confused about myself because I found more narcs,AC and unavailable men that I ever believed that I was with….that felt so dissapointing in myself. And I am having a hard time forgiving myself…
Well, I guess we will keep learning together for a while what we did not learn as children.And I hope I will be able to forgive myself,I really do.Best to you Natalie and all you girls!!Siena
Hi Siena. I don’t think it’s a matter of trying too hard to change. It’s a matter of being patient with yourself and realizing that you did not get that way instantly and you’re not going to change instantly. It’s a process that takes time. But you certainly seem to be on the right track with the tools to help you prevail. Remember too that we as humans are constantly evolving, constantly learning, and as long as we live that will (hopefully) continue. Have faith and belief in yourself. Most of all, LOVE YOU FIRST.
You have to forget the past to have a future.
Take it from me – I know
If you want to be happy – Work through your past
Perfect and THIS is an issue I’ve been battling for a few years and choosing the wrong men to have in my life. All things at just the right time!!
Righting the wrongs from the past… I just tried to do that by phoning an ex literally just now – I’d gone NC since Christmas – I thought I was phoning to ask why he contacted me out of the blue on my birthday… really, if I am being honest, I was phoning to right the wrongs he’d done to me. I am in a loving relationship with someone else, but some how the pull to tell this ex off was strong. If you’re thinking of phoning your ex when they do the SUDDEN APPEARING ACT, just don’t bother because I don’t feel any different from before I picked up the phone.
Lesson learned. Good for you!
Wow! this exactly what I have come to realize with not only my relationships but my life in general. Exactly what I needed to hear right now. It often felt like I am auto pilot in my life and when I started to break away, it was scary, but life is so much better on this side of it.
Thanks Natalie!
I lost my dog , my wonderful dog and his going taught me who to give my love and who not to waste it on . I hope ive done him proud handled it as best i could but did without going back to stupid habits . Im lost with out him at mo but im stronger than i have ever been 🙂 if i could wish anything i rather have my dog than any ac back in my life x
tired,
i am so sorry to read that you have lost your dog. i know this can be so difficult. i just wanted to send you hugs and am so happy to hear you are also feeling stronger in your habits, i take inspiration from you. xx
I’m really sorry about your dog Tired.
Sending many warm hugs your way~~~DD
Tired,
So sorry you lost your dog.
They are so special, and such a huge part of our lives.
Hugs
Tired I do understand. I was sadder about losing my dog than just about anything else I have ever been through. Stay strong, we are all thinking of you and holding your hand as you grieve.
Many hugs to you Tired. You have lost someone truly special. Will be thinking of you xo
Tired, my friend, I am deeply saddened to hear of your dog’s passing. I adore dogs, and unfortunately I am allergic to furry animals. It’s a tragedy for me since I LOVE animals, especially dogs. I am sure he was your best friend and I can relate to your pain. Sometimes, a quick replacement is best to help you heal. But you will know what is best for you. My sympathies. Tink
Tired,
So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved dog. I love my little dog too and unlike the exAC she deserves every bit of it. You will miss him, but take heart that he would most definitely have been very proud of you, xxx.
Im so sorry tired. May your precious dog rest in peace. I understand how you feel, I lost my 20 year old kitty several months ago and it felt like I’d lost a family member. Hugs to you.
Tired, I´m so sorry for your loss.
I still miss my cat who died 4 years ago, even though now I have three new kitties to share my bed with.
Big hugs to you.
You are so lucky that you’re not allergic. Wish I could do the same. I had 2 kittens, a few months ago, that made me so ill I had to give them back to the rescuer.
Tinkerbell
Perhaps you could try the famous home-recipe of using a nutmeg for allergies?
You take a whole nutmeg, warm a needle in a flame until it´s redhot and then pierce a hole in the nut with it. Then, put a string through your nut and wear it around your neck at all times.
I´m not sure if it helps for this particular allergy, but it´s the only remedy that I´ve seen works for hayfever and things like that.
Lilia. Thank you so much. I’ve been to an allergist and I’m allergy to almost everything, well, a lot. This has only happened to me a few years ago. Being an RN, I’m wondering if there’s a connection between my multiple allergies which seem to have developed not long before being diagnosed with RA, an autoimmune disease. But thanks for your suggestion anyway. I could get one of those supposedly non-allergenic dogs, ie. a Maltese, Shitzsu or Yorkie, but I’m afraid.
“Be ‘right’ from afar in healthier relationships and leave these people to their own brand of chaos!”
Nat! You are all up in my koolaid girl!!
After ending my last ridiculous relationship nine months ago, and seeking counseling, I finally started to realize that I was trying to subconsciously trying correct the wrongs committed against me in my past by becoming involved in relationships with people that were different versions of my wacko jacko parents!!
I started going back to church because I needed divine intervention and wanted to reconnect spiritually with God. Introspection is SO hard…as is changing old thought processes and behaviors!! I am happy to say that reading your blog has helped me tremendously and I am
in a much healthier place mentally and emotionally as a result!! Yay!!!
I don’t look to right the past through my love life anymore. I’ve noticed, though, that I can be touchy about people “bossing me”, even if they’re not. So I guess that’s the next issue for me to address. It will make my work life more pleasant for me, never mind for anyone else. Does the learning ever end?
Does the learning ever end?
NO. 🙂
I was reading an article the other day about rejection sensitivity.It made me think about my childhood and my mother having her favorites.I still am sensitive to unfair treatment.I have had bosses that are a bit mean and it doesn’t really bother me as long as they are mean to everyone but I will not tolerate unfair treatment and that is a direct link to my childhood.
Thank you so much for posting this article Natalie; you have tremendously helped me ‘figure some things out’.
I am one of the people you are writing about, and when I initially started to become aware of my “child role,” I thought I had split off into becoming my “inner child,” and I suppose in some ways that is true because a vvvverrrry, deep, subconscious part of me is running my life, and that part of me is on a mission to right the wrongs of the past, and I constantly get “stuck on my principles.
This behavior pattern is so insidious, and although I understood it intellectually …seeing it emotionally…er, becoming aware of this part of my psyche was mind-blowing for me.
It is like coming out of a trance, but, yet KNOWING what happened, … knowing that you have been ‘acting out’ and a great deal of ‘damage has been done.’ …knowing that you haven’t been seeing things clearly, …you haven’t been your-SELF, and….
No wonder I am experiencing so much internal conflict and resistance to change; for, sometimes, I get tired of the tremendous effort that it takes to complete certain steps or tasks…a part of me will stop moving forward and start procrastinating and lose focus. Then there are these moments where I can’t concentrate, or I deliberately sabotage my efforts.
Yet, I have never considered giving up, just taking smaller steps at times, and some days off to relax…have some fun…becoming a huge fan of self-motivation.
I continue to be grateful, and I am confident that I will work through my past (Did you hear that psyche; we are going this way together.)
*** Congratulations on your PhD Magnolia, and Tired, I’m sorry about your beloved pet.***
Stay strong everyone! 🙂 Thanks again Natalie! <3—On Leaving Sugarland
so true OLS, there’s a deep part of me that is steering me right, now that I’m listening to it – sent me back to college etc – and there’s part of me that tried to sabotage it, by being lazy, procrastinating so on. Just have to keep listening
How did you come to realize the child role “emotionally”? I am really interested because I am starting to understand my child role intellectually, but it doesn´t feel like I know it emotionally.Do you know what I mean? I am still able to be triggered by an AC and that scares me. I am on NC, but I am soo scared of other men and cannot imagine how I will ever date anyone again. Its a really strange feeling. And I want to note that I don´t mean this in a “whiny victim way”, but I mean it kind of neutral. I really can´t imagine and at the same time I know for sure that it will happen. I am just so scared to not be able to break my pattern…
Siena
I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but what you need is TIME. I am 6 months out of it and ready to start exploring in terms of testing new BR education, but a RELATIONSHIP???!!! No thanks. I am not saying never, but no, not now thank you very much. Please slow your roll, don’t worry about it. It will happen again when you are ready. There are far worse fates in life than to be a happy single woman.
Hi Siena,
I know exactly what you mean: I was deliberately trying to find my inner child, or get in touch with my childhood memories and feelings, etc., and heal my past.
1. I learned to feel my feelings.
I learned how to feel my feelings through deliberate practice of exercises that I found online.
2. Then, I had to start getting rid of my addictions.
I realized that I was escaping my feelings by getting high off of food, fantasy, relationshits, etc.,
Also, I had to stop ‘intellectualizing’ my feelings, and just learn to express them.
So if I felt sad, I just allowed myself to be sad, instead of talking about how sad I was, and questioning whether or not I should be sad, or trying to talk myself out of being sad, or trying to cheer myself up with a box of cookies, or a fantasy about the cute guy at work, etc–instead– I would just sit there and try and feel the feelings (Eeww, not always easy, but doable).
3. I journal about what happens to me, and what I do in response. What I’m thinking, feeling, etc–everything.
I was already on a mission to get to know myself better, so I was paying veeryyyy, close attention to everything that I did, didn’t do, everything, and then I started to notice the triggers.
4. I started to deal with my triggers.
It was about self-awareness … increasing self-awareness to the point that I went deeper and deeper into my own mind; thus, I knew myself well enough to ‘see’ and feel when I was being triggered, and I began to see how reactive I was, as opposed to active. Er, I would just react automatically to things, and later I would say to myself, wow, you were acting like a child. Sometimes the reactions were good: say, I would be laughing with a friend, or smiling at …or, just being silly. Sometimes the reactions were angry outbursts, or acting without thinking, …actions that would be considered ‘child-like’ or childish or immature.
It was weird because my voice changed, my stance, etc, but it was still me, it was just how I was acting…my role, and I kept noting when I acted this way, and I began to see more patterns, and I kept making the connections to my childhood.
For example, I could feel how I wanted to be heard, as I wanted to be heard as a child; I would get upset when I didn’t think people were on my side, or if I didn’t think I mattered, as I had as a child.
5. I was honest about what was really going on….
I started to notice that most of the interactions that I had with people…well, it felt like my “inner child” was in control: she was the one showing up, instead of my adult self, and I really started to question my sanity; I thought I had experienced a psychotic break–or split…it was just bizarre because I stepped back, and I was like–what the what? Where is my adult self?
Also, I was fortunate enough to have people in my inner circle(s) who were honest enough with me about how they perceived my behavior, and although I decided that I would always be the final authority on myself, I trusted them enough that I discovered the ‘truth’ about my general behaviors–I received great feedback from others.
6. I was trying to get past my resistance to change.
I just wanted a better life … better job in particular…better ME time.
On the one hand, I was completing goals and moving forward, but I couldn’t seem to stick to it, and make the ‘big’ changes; I kept waffling, and couldn’t seem to resist spending too much time focusing on the problems, rather than the solutions…having difficulty taking action…staying committed.
I was ‘stuck’… fussing, complaining, and reacting…so annoyed with people in general who didn’t share what I believed were basic morals that anybody with half a moral compass would honor,…people who wouldn’t do the ‘right’ thing, and as Natalie said, I couldn’t believe that they continued such “morally ‘wrong'” behavior, and I found myself continually getting stuck on my principles, wasting valuable time trying to ‘correct’ others and make them do the ‘right’ thing–feeling like it was my responsibility to do so….
7. Aha-Moments
Then, one day, I was involved in an emergency situation, and the room was quiet, as everyone was composed to handle the crisis, and it was in that silence that I was able to put enough space between my-SELF and my- thoughts, feelings, actions, and observe what was going on–it was as if I was floating above everyone in the room–and as I watched someone working calmly in that crisis, and I observed my own calmness (my adult self was at work), I thought, I over-react too much…and I had some kind of knock into reality that I can’t describe, and that is when I knew that I generally function in some kind of UNNECESSARY, programmed ‘trance’, and I felt the biggest “What the what? just happened here?” you could imagine because I realized that I had been acting that way for yeaaaaaaaaaarrsss.
And then when I read Natalie’s article, I just ‘got it’–Aha-Moment–Everything came together…all of the pieces were in place.
Her article really bllllllllllewwww
me away…. I had to read it a few times, and then I got angry, and then I just felt sick, but then I realized, I had just received one of the greatest gifts in my life. :). I just discovered one of the most heinous patterns in my behavior that is stealing my life–my “child role.”
As you can imagine, it really took me a long time, …baby sttttttttttteeeeppppppppssss
I had to learn a great deal about relationships, inner-child work, oh, so many things that I couldn’t possibly write them all, but Natalie’s insights, wisdom, and all-around-understanding…and her ability to articulate that to us in such of a way that we ‘get it’ are more than brilliant (I actually think it is a GIFT :), … it really helped me understand things that I just didn’t ‘get’ for years, so you are in the right place, and this community is great, and I have learned a great deal from so many people here.
I wish you well on your journey. Don’t be afraid, but do be careful: my interactions with men helped me a great deal because they triggered me the most, BUT I was blessed that most of my male acquaintances and friends have been descent, some of them especially gentle, kind, and understanding (though some were mean, nasty AC’s/narcs, and I have flushed), still, I learned a great deal from interacting with them all…you have to ‘practice’ in real life…er, implement what you learn by taking action and living in the present….
Be compassionate and patient with yourself; don’t worry, in time if you keep working on yourself, you will break your patterns, as so many of us here have…we will be with you every step of the way. 🙂
Blessed BE–On Leaving Sugarland
This is perhaps the most poignant post I have read here in over a year. Thank you for sharing intimate details of your self examination and self discovery. Our lives, be they
positive or negative world views are all about our behavior, response to triggers, and problem solving the things we can’t control (childhood).
You have given concrete advice and examples of what to actually DO. Many people here are still stuck on assclown done me wrong, and work, and people in my life, and family have been inadequate. They have not made the next step to WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT IT? You are inspirational. Your introspection is admirable. Your inner circle(s) are lucky
to know such as sensitive person. Because when we actually want to change ourselves, we are changing the world.
Such a beautiful tiding you have given to me, surely born from a kind heart, and I truly thank you. 🙂
Many Blessings onto you and yours,
((Hugs))~~On Leaving Sugarland
OLS – Thank you!
I definitely grew up in a household in which no boundaries were allowed, and had my feelings and opinions disregarded. I wasn’t even allowed to study the subjects I wanted to at school – they were chosen for me by my dad. I’m sure he thought he was doing it for my own good, but it left me feeling adrift and directionless and as if the things that made me ‘me’, that I was interested in or was good at, were worthless. It’s taken 40+ years to (mostly) rectify that.
Although my mum did resort to verbal (and some physical) abuse to keep me ‘in line’, the most effective tactic both my parents used was withdrawal and sulking (passive aggression I guess). I learned that if someone went cold on me that I had done something terribly wrong and had to work harder and twist myself like a pretzel to win back their approval, and that it might take weeks for the frosty atmosphere to thaw. Jeez, I never even did anything that bad!
I inadvertently sought out the same dynamic in my adult relationshits, particularly with the exAC, who could sulk for Britain. Instead of telling him where to get off, I stuck around receiving the hot and cold (but mainly cold) treatment for more than 10 years! What an utter waste of time.
Because I have been programmed to fear bad moods and avoid ‘provoking’ one at all costs, I have also had to train myself not to assume it is because of something I have done whenever anyone (particularly an older female, eg my stepmum, mother-in-law, boss at work) is in a bad mood. It’s about them not me – I get it now! But I still have to remind myself each time not to take it personally.
I’ve had to teach myself the normal ways of operating with confidence, boundaries, self-worth and self-esteem, that most(?) people take for granted. And if it wasn’t for BR I probably still wouldn’t be as nearly there as I am, so once again, a million thanks Natalie! xx
“I definitely grew up in a household in which no boundaries were allowed, and had my feelings and opinions disregarded. I wasn’t even allowed to study the subjects I wanted to at school – they were chosen for me by my dad. I’m sure he thought he was doing it for my own good, but it left me feeling adrift and directionless and as if the things that made me ‘me’, that I was interested in or was good at, were worthless. It’s taken 40+ years to (mostly) rectify that.” Lizzie that is my childhood to a ‘T’. However, I gravitated in adulthood to men who were the direct opposite of my father, or seemed to be, so I chose men who were passive, not without opinions, but who often said things like “it’s up to you”, “do what you want”, “I don’t mind”, but I was like that too, because I was scared of taking control and making decisions. They were like dealing with slippery eels, and sure enough “slipped away” – by lying and cheating. The last one has devastated me because I was finally opening up to him when I found out he’d been seeing someone else. I need to work further on these thoughts but everyone’s comments on this blog are incredibly helpful so thankyou to everyone.
I have had a really great boyfriend for a couple years now, Things have been great at work (recently received a promotion), My relationship with my teenage daughter has become much more respectful & peaceful, and I feel like I have been much more assertive with pushy family members. Yet – The issues that remain from my childhood are: being fearful of asking for help & being fearful of really letting someone in & being truly vulnerable/open with my feelings & desires. Uncertain how to tackle these ones yet as they feel so ingrained. Anyone?
Brighterside, yes, me too. In the past I have felt that to be open was to be vulnerable, and it definitely came from childhood. But it’s very difficult to even start to overcome it. I used to not even be able to know how I felt, due to the complete lack of articulating it, ever. The only way I have found thus far is by meditating and writing morning pages. Both put me back in touch with myself, and meditating in particular makes me feel strong and connected. It’s baby steps, but I’ve found I am sharing things, just simple things like ‘I got a new job’ with acquaintances, and it felt like a huge achievement…baby steps
Find someone u trust and just do it. The sooner the better
Tired
Really sorry about your dog. I agree, a loving pet is far, far, more supportive than an AC. Pets are there for us, many people are not.
I don’t consciously look to right the wrongs of the past in my childhood, because I was fortunate to have decent parents. But I do know that I seem to look for my father in my relationships with men. My father was very protective and watchful of my activities with my friends. He would sit me down have initiate long conversations inquiring what I felt about a variety of topics. He asked me about school all the time and made sure I was knowledgeable about the “birds and the bees”. He passed away only about a year after my first marriage. My first husband was an evil, mentally and physically abusive person whom I left after two years and went back home. My Dad had passed on and it was a good thing because had he known it would have broken his heart especially after all his warnings and loving attention. In a deeply unconscious way I’ve been looking for my father until this day. I was 23 when he passed on. I raised my daughter single-handedly, for the most part at my parents home. My Mom would do anything for me and always met my needs, but she was not a nurturer like my Dad was. Anyway, I married my second husband at the age of 38. He was definitely in essence my father. Even though I had gone back to college and moved out to my own place and raised my daughter without much problem, I allowed him to take over and run my life for me. I think it was easier to renege and accept his control, than to fight him tooth and nail. Having been physically beaten in my first marriage I guess I was afraid of conflict even though my second husband was just not that type of person. So, to speak of the present. I’ve been widowed now, for 7 years. In my current relationship in which I’ve found much comfort and happiness, ironically, here again he is over-protective, a fatherly type. He’s a good, kind man and I like the fact that he has been a good father and loves children. But, HE IS NOT MY FATHER. Now, that I have finally understood that I attract this type of man. I can work to deal with this. Just today, I may have been thinking about this post, but the question occurred to me. Do we attract what we NEED due to unresolved issues of our past, or do we inadvertently attract what we unconsciously WANT? Does anybody have any thoughts about this? I would like to get feedback on this which is a perplexing question for me. This particular post raised this question which I’d never considered before. Thanks in advance for your input.
great question Tinkerbell. If I understand you right, you’re asking if we look at our parents, see what was missing and go look for that, or do we go look for what is already familiar, with the same issues. Seems to me to make sense we go for the latter, as that’s the model we’ve seen most of. If what’s familiar was good, we’re ok, it it wasn’t, we’re in trouble, and it perpetuates. I know part of the reason (there are many) I didn’t have kids was because I didn’t see how I could possibly not replicate the mistakes of my parents, and I think I was right. Now of course, I’m 44, and think I can, but it’s too late, both biologically and just energy-wise. There’s a lot to be said for matchmaking: having someone else who cares about you propose suitable partners, filling the gaps.
Thanks for responding, FiFi. Still wondering about it, but I am content. Since I NOW KNOW, my issue/tendency, I can work with it more effectively. I humor my boyfriend and at the same time let him know (with firm diplomacy) that I intend to keep my independence.
This post really spoke to me.
Are you still trying to right the wrongs of the past?
Yes, I am something finally clicked into place for me.
I look at the ex AC and think what is it about him that I keep going back.
It all leads back to abandonment.
I don’t know if I am reading too much into things. But the ex AC is a combination of my father, mother and step father.
My dad abandoned me when I was young I have relived those huge feelings of rejection time and time again with the ex AC whenever we would go through no contact. I guess each time I would go back I would be trying to get the AC not to leave to avoid all those feelings but at the same time knowing I would be reliving them sometime in the future that no matter how hard I tried I would never get him to stay.
He is like my mother as others have written above she abandoned me emotionally in all major times when I needed support, the ex AC has never fronted up in times when I have needed emotional support especially lately when I have been going through an extremely difficult time and in part this was caused by him and I have been very angry at him same as I was with my mum.
I’m still thinking about how he is like my step father maybe he isn’t. I guess because I have no normal relationship to base things on it is hard to gauge.
But I can finally see something that makes sense to me that it is all about abandonment and reliving it because I am so comfortable with that been the norm, it also fits in with ex AC number one who left me in difficult times.
I’m unsure to what I am getting out of it, but now feel I have something to explore in my further therapy sessions.
My fantasy life is all tied up in this too. I can see how much I have lived in fantasy land long before the ex AC arrived.
The diet of bullsh*t has been very harmful to me and I can see how I am still eating it.
Wow this article really hit close to home for me. I grew up with a father that never expressed his love or care for me, and only put me down when I was at my weakest. Now I’ve been hanging around this assclown for 5 years who is exactly like my father (he is dead now), putting me down and making me feel worthless. All I want is his approval, so it seems like I switched the longing for my dad’s approval over to this guy who is basically a replica of my dad. Unfortunately I can’t go back and heal my relationship with my father as he passed away when I was 21. I just feel like I can’t build up a healthy self-esteem unless I get this recognition from such a male figure in my life. It is what keeps me going back to the assclown time after time no matter how much he hurts me.
Can you get some “recognition” from a caring older male, who is not a potential mate. Someone u regard highly… it may help you get past this hurdle
Viktoria
You have at least seen the pattern and hopefully it will help you find ways to move on.
I understand what you are saying we can never go back to our childhood and fix what happened and what went wrong but hopefully we can move past and find peace with things we had no control over and stop trying so hard to fix the unfixable with other men.
I have spent six years on and off with an AC trying to fix unfixable childhood issues and it is just dawning on me now how hard I have been trying.
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon your blog. It’s comforting to know that I am not the only one struggling to free myself from the patterns of early family relationships.
Hi girls ,
Thanks for youre lovely messages . Yes i am missing him loads , i think he knew his job was done and i was on my way if you know what i mean . He leaves me a stronger person . I have made my descision on my career and ive not reached out to any arseholes in this sad time . I even pulled up a bloke who red flagged me ! Flush and a ac that had been sniffing around and was now to busy to help with a computer qestion . I flushed and blocked on fb . Job done , my dog would have been proud . He showed me such love and devotion his parting lesson , this is what love is about not the crap these arseholes dish out . He loved me because i showed him care , love and respect and it was likewise . Plus thankyou for all the kicks up the arse and care you girls have shown me . It is you lot that are insparational x
Tink. To answer yr Q in short, I don’t think we ‘attract’ anything. As I see it, we are not so.powerful over others. Rather, I believe we CHOOSE to allow certain ppl to.have entry/ access to our lives (consiously or not). We may choose what we want or need depending on our level of maturity. Want choices are usually based on inexperience. Need choices I think are based on having greater insight. Hope tht helps (just my opinion. take what u want & leave the rest, by all means). Teach x
Teach, you’re right on point. I agree with what you’ve said, esp. about we’re not THAT POWERFUL.
Tinkerbell
I think that somehow we attract what we DON’T want, what we tried to escape from. I have always been very strong, had definite plans in life, goals, and since coming west, have had to become even stronger, more independent, as I try and live my real life (farmer, woodsperson) and hold down a full time, uber responsible job. I attract a lot of broken birds, unhealthy, under/unemployed, financially challenged, indecisive about their lives (I think this is where all the marrieds come from), uneducated and anti education, generally over aged man children. It seems as though we do the very hard work to fix the results of our crap upbringing and we get these broken dudes/dudettes that want us to fix them too. We don’t need to go there.
Noquay – I don’t believe that we “attract” them at all. It’s just that there are so many of them around, and they approach just about anybody in sight (even if they are often very astute at concealing this).
People with healthier boundaries opt out earlier. This is the only significant difference in my book.
Plus, healthy people usually don’t feel that much in need of “company”. This is why they don’t jump into relationships quickly. They observe other people’s behaviours for an extended time before they truly allow them into their lives. It’s a great way to weed out the “broken” candidates.
I think if people are constantly “in the market” for new friendships/relationships, this is a amber or red flag in itself. Most of them are either EU (I used to be one of them!) or AC.
Really good points EllyB.
Yes, Noquay, I see your point. You don’t need the bother of undesirable AC’s and EUM’s. But the others you initially mentioned come to you because of your adeptness at being able to help them. You must like to do this or I don’t think you would do it since you DO have a choice. So you do attract what you unconsciously want because you can do some good in the world.
I know this gets more complicated the more we think about it, because there are so many ways to look at it.
Thanks!
Tired. That’s deep what you said about your dog leaving after his job was done. I DO believe that. I presume he was old and had lived a good life under your care. He stuck around knowing that you were going through such a bad time, and you needed him to be there for you. After seeing you finally pick yourself up by your bootstraps, he felt he could safely leave and go to doggie heaven. Human beings often do the same, imo. They pick the time to leave us. Obviously, I’m talking about long chronic illness. It’s something to think about, anyway.
It may sound daft , but our last walk i had text a friend and said , im happy for the firsttime in ages and content with my life . No men but actually happy . I looked at him and said dont you go anywhere yet i paniced as i had a inkling . He was 9 and a half , old for a big dog . He was huge and he went quickly over wkend from kidney failure . But when i was low id walk and talk to him and he stopped me from doing somthing very silly six months ago . He was my balm just a warm loveable presence , from getting in the way dancing in the kitchen to climbing on me and squashing me for some love .. But he leaves me stronger and i thank him from that . Thoughts have stopped i think of only him . Now its a case of i really dont care what life throws at me . Im back to me once more before all the arseholes came along . And the diff im not sad .
WONDERFUL.
Thank you Fifi. I think your right – It is little steps. I will try them. About the having a hard time with letting people help me out – I think it’s because I have been taking care of myself & my daughter by myself such a long time & also myself even when I was a child that I have never known any different. Now even after I work 10 + hours a day & come home to dinner made by my boyfriend – It makes me uncomfortable because I’m not used to being treated well. I always feel like no matter how much I do – it’s still not enough because I needed help. I’m working on just accepting it – I just know the road will be long.
Thank you Natalie again for a great column! You always say it so well and so concisely. Your writing always takes these topics and lays them out in such an easy way for people to absorb – it’s a real talent.
As I was driving home from work today, I thought, “What all this work on myself had really done, is freed up a bunch of time I used to spend chasing fantasies and pipe dreams from addicts.” No more spending all my money on clothes and beauty products to meet impossible standards. No more binge eating ten donuts on a Friday. No more parking at a park and crying over my ex for hours. What all this work has given me is freedom to know myself and that is fucking scary.
I didn’t want to take my last comment further because I’m tired and digging that deep seems like too much work after a day’s work. But because I’m worth it, I think, here it goes: I’m afraid of what I might find if I get to know me, like biting into the core of an apple and finding it rotten and putrified. Then that would explain why I witnessed and experience so much abuse and dysfunction at the hands of my family. Truth is I’m terrified I’m as ‘bad’ and ‘rotten’ as the people that abused me, which offers an explanation as to why I was abused.
For the record, I vote “NO, you are NOT ‘bad’ and ‘rotten’, Peanut.
This is what I think: A child reasons that “the people who love me, abuse me… so… *I* must be bad” (Cause to think otherwise, would mean those people don’t love me. Self blame reconciles the conflict between the love and the abuse) It is self preservation… but as an adult, this logic is no longer required. An adult can accept that those who are meant to care, in fact do not/can not. This revelation dissolves the need to self blame.
Believe you are good at the core, Peanut. BTW, like ur name.
Tinkerbell and EllyB
Yep, I probably do give at least an initial green light to such folk mainly because I try and treat all folks with politeness and decency and some of the more serious down and outers here are used to being treated with pity and disdain. My mentally ill marginal, hoarder, neighbor is an example of this. Nope, I do not enjoy fixing such people nor do I attempt to do so. If one does not have their life reasonably together, is not clean, does not support themselves, has addiction issues, they are not in my life, pronto. I feel that yep, there are more and more of these folk around and yep, they are gonna gravitate toward a potential source of revenue, support etc so obviously strong, independent, self supporting women are a good target.
Peanut
From what ive read on here that you have posted and the support you have given you are not rotten at all . We all just a bit battered by life . I must admit i thought i was as bad as them .but we all make mistakes its just if we repeat them . I could blame the arseholes but i allowed . We just werent in a good place and now as you drive home after a long day of work , think im free to keep on driving to a far better place and the ac can eat my dust 🙂
Tinkerbell
You are probably right as an allergic reaction is pretty much your immune system on overtime. That, and we tend to acquire allergies with time. Perhaps you could borrow one of these dogs to see if you react. Some breeds of cats such as Siamese, Persian, are also supposedly hypo allergenic.
Thanks Noquay, I didn’t know those breeds of cats are non-allergenic. Thanks, that’s a good idea. I’m one of those unusual folks who loves both dogs and cats. I do know that you can develop allergies that you never had as a child. That’s certainly me!
I find it easy to identify people/ men like my family and avoid them. Less easy to fancy men who are not at all like my father. After many years single and clearly knowing my pattern I still have only dated (briefly) men who are commitment phobes.
How do I choose to fancy someone that is pleasant but not attractive to me? Attraction seems uncontrollable. Impossible to make when it’s not there.
Agree, Intotouch… you can’t manufacture attraction.
Maybe you have found that the types you are attracted to has changed (at least a bit) over time?… if so, there’s no reason to think it won’t keep changing. The more I work on me, I figure I change and with that, I also figure what/whom I am attracted to may also change.
@Fifi and OLS,
I agree, I think we just have to keep listening to ourselves. I just feel like I really need to start listening to myself with compassion. I’m not hearing me, and I need to, and I want to…. I can feel all of these different parts of me trying to take care of me. I know they are not my enemy, it’s just that I need to guide them into more productive ways… more beneficial.
I have been trying do hard to get other people to listen to me, and what I really need to do is LISTEN to myself.
I am amazed how accurate this post is. I guess it’s a natural reaction when everything seems wrong around you. Is one I hope not to need soon enough since I am 32 :)…32 and a half…
This is so revealing to me- Ive done so so much soul searching-memories-events-occasions-therapy of my childhood and subsiquent marriage at 16.
Its taken me 3yrs to finally to see the truth as it is. To go from a no boundary home, they were doing their best but its affected me, to getting married- no discussion -no worries aired just you will be ok ???
My childhood continued for 30yrs. I didnt understand myself and I was kept in that mode by a chopper and unavailable man who was keen to keep me that way.He used silence as a tool and it just took me back to feeling like I had to make up to him every time.He mirrored me but would not speak to me- I felt like I was going mad, but still didnt understand why when I left.
Two Mr fastforward unavailables later I found you all and its saved me.
Truly this article has put it into perspective, that I have boundaries and insight to me and others, thank you Natalie and all you other posters on here, its humbling.
I can say from my innermost self who has finally been heard that your all amazing and helpful.
Love to you all xx