Something you need to be mindful of when you have a keen sense of empathy and can pick up, for instance, on what people are feeling or where they’re coming from, is not falling into a role of accommodation and overcompensating.
So, for instance, you notice that a friend tends to blow up and have pieced together little bits of info that indicate that they’re wrestling with issues from childhood or that they’re not so keen on boundaries.
When the next instance for potential conflict (aka boundaries) arises, you swallow your feelings about it. You remind yourself that they have their issues. Instead of addressing even some of these, their boundary-crossing continues and you focus on being ‘understanding and supportive’. On some level, you hope your approach will cause them to modify their behaviour, or at least limit its impact.
As your suppressed and repressed feelings intensify, your friendship alters. You’re very aware of the problems, but they’re not. The friendship is imbalanced and you might even gripe about them to another friend. All the while, this person might believe the friendship is ‘fine’ or deeper than it is.
No, you’re not going to ‘get into something’ with them, but you find yourself distancing and dreading their calls or texts. When you think about addressing the situation, you decide that it’s ‘not worth the hassle’. There might be this sense that because you have stronger awareness and can ‘manage yourself’, you’re ‘taking the higher road’.
Believing that this is empathy, you think you’ve put yourself in their shoes and treated them accordingly. Side note: you haven’t.
And inevitably, it all gets too much. Or, despite your efforts, they still blow up at you. Of course, it’s the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Maybe there’s a confrontation, or perhaps you step back altogether.
Here’s the thing: As well-intentioned as you may be in using your awareness of someone else’s struggles and habits to ‘adapt’ your behaviour with them, you’re not being boundaried.
You think this is empathy, but it’s not; it’s over-empathy, and it’s a breeding ground for guilt, frustration and resentment. What you’re actually doing is carrying the load by accomodating the issues and overcompensating for them, not just at your expense but the relationship’s. The lack of honesty damages the integrity and intimacy of the relationship.
Empathy doesn’t mean ‘Don’t ask for help’, ‘Don’t bother being honest’, ‘Don’t have boundaries’ or ‘Don’t address issues.’ It doesn’t mean ‘Do it all yourself because other people can’t handle honesty, intimacy or responsibility.’ Empathy definitely doesn’t mean ‘Take what we think we know about someone and use it as a reason to expect less from them’.
I’ve been running Baggage Reclaim since September 2005, and I’ve spent many thousands of hours writing this labour of love. The site has been ad-free the entire time, and it costs hundreds of pounds a month to run it on my own. If what I share here has helped you and you’re in a position to do so, I would love if you could make a donation. Your support is so very much appreciated! Thank you.
Copyright Natalie Lue 2005-2024, All rights reserved. Written and express permission along with credit is needed to reproduce and distribute excerpts or entire pieces of my work.
Manage Cookie Consent
To provide the best experiences, we use technologies like cookies to store and/or access device information. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behaviour or unique IDs on this site. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions.
Functional
Always active
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
Preferences
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
Statistics
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
Marketing
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.