The search for a dream relationship where you find a soulmate who is exactly as you dreamed he would be and you think, act and want the same things may start out innocently, but depending on how attached you become to the search, can actually turn you commitment-phobic. After all, it’s difficult for any man to live up to the elusive criteria that you have in your head, create the special feelings that you think you’re going to feel, and sustain them too.
If you ever did meet someone who came close to your version of ‘soulmate’, you’d no doubt end up disappointed or frustrated at some point because they can’t say, do, and make you feel everything you want all of the time. What are you going to do when they have an off hour, day, week, month, several months or even a year?
Placing the responsibility of your happiness into someone else’s hands, often someone who doesn’t even exist yet, in the hope that they will complete you and set your world to rights is a dangerous, foolhardly act. You make your own happiness and placing the reliance of it in someone else’s hands means that you are 100% reliant on them for the feel good factor in your life. Cue constant validation, reassurance and emotional soothing. If you can’t make your own happiness, how do you expect them to make yours?
People that get happy within themselves connect with other likewise people who have happiness. Misery loves company so it’s no wonder that you end up with someone as dysfunctional as Mr Unavailable.
I am in no way suggesting that you shouldn’t be with a man that makes you happy, but you should have the power to be happy independently of him. Failure to address this will result in you constantly being caught in the Yo-Yo effect, and pandering to a guy blowing hot and cold. Because they appear to be your source of happiness…and more so your misery, you will keep fluttering back to him because that’s what you think will make things alright. Trust me when I say that you wouldn’t do this if you were able to do some of your own validation, reassurance, and emotional soothing.
Happiness is not something you seek out in the form of a dysfunctional relationship. It’s something that you can create with or without someone in tow. If you can start to be happy independently of a man, it is very difficult for them to have the power to dictate every positive and negative emotion that you feel. In fact…dysfunctional men won’t even get a look in…
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I just wonder is there any “ex-soulmate” term? I mean if you meet some one that you think he/she is your soul mate than suddenly the things just went wrong…
Is that mean those person “is not your soul mate at the first palce” or “becoming your ex-soul mate”?
I have seen this advice before. I can see where you’re coming from, but how does one deal with loneliness? That does not get any better – with all the wrong dates and attempted relationships. Yes one can learn to be content. But happy? I am not talking about being ‘completed’ by somebody. But yes, there is a void that cannot be filled by friends, children or numerous trips to the movies. Why deny it?
I agree somewhat with what Nada states here. How do we deal with the lonliness? No, I don’t need someone to complete me either and I’m coming to terms with my breakup from my boyfriend that was an EUM, and even glad that I no longer have the frustrations of his “hot/cold” attitude, but there is a void in my life that can only be filled by a significant other. I truly feel that God gave us the ability to love and to be loved for a reason. It fills a need in our lives that he put there. So, how do we deal with the loneliness and longing for that love when we don’t have it? Nada was right when she said that that there is a void that cannot be filled by friends, children or numerous trips to the movies….and why deny it? So, what can we do to find this internal “happiness” that we women long for when we can’t find Mr. Right?
Gardino – I think people have skewed visions of what a soulmate is. We don’t always get it right when we label people with this term. No person is going to think, act, or feel how you want them to every moment of your relationship so the idea of finding someone so perfect sets you up for a fall. It is difficult to answer your question because often with the passage of time and hindsight we decide that we didn’t feel what we felt for that person which invalidates the theory of them being the soulmate. Even if they are an ex soulmate…you can have more than one.
Nada – Nobody is asking you to deny the void but often what we do find is that in hoping that a man will fill the void, we end up still having a void. Right now it seems like they will fill it. There is nothing wrong with desiring love, a relationship, or happiness with a man but after speaking to enough women and reading the hundreds of comments and emails across my sites, it is clear that unless we deal with our own esteem issues, then we still won’t be happy. I had a void and I went through a lot of dates and several relationships before I acknowledged that I was more miserable than when I started and that the void wasn’t going to be filled by them. I had to examine my own beliefs about relationships – both the negatives and positives and readjust my vision. I made sure that I was relatively happy across a number of areas on a personal level and the change in my interactions was different. Men smell when you are looking for them to fill a void and many will misbehave accordingly. There is a lot of expectation that comes with a void and some men can’t cope with it. If you ca honestly say that you are a happy person, with no self esteem issues, that has taken care of for herself all that she can take care of, then knock yourself out in finding that someone. But if you find on introspection that there are things that you need to deal with yourself or about relationships, take a bit of time to address those. I know someone who talks about the loneliness and she seeks relationships to fill it and places all of her expectations and desires about the relationship on them. She’s miserable but clinging on for dear life. She said to me a while ago that as long as she was looking for them to do something for her that she couldn’t manage to do for herself (love) then she suspected that it was doomed because when they are around she feels happy but can’t cope with them being out of her field of vision. All the insecurities that she is dealing with won’t go away no matter who she is with until she deals with that.
Susan – In a continuation of my reply to Nada… If you’re not happy with yourself, if you are insecure about yourself and you fear being single even with friends and family around you, you will probably find it difficult to be happy…with OR without a man. Being single is not the sh*tty time you fill till you can grab someone to be in a relationship with. If you can enjoy your own company, you won’t put yourself in the position of placing the destiny of your happiness all on one person. Right now you are all ladies in waiting. You are waiting for a man, who probably isn’t in your life yet, to fulfill your happiness. What if it takes another few months, a year, a few more years? What will you do until then? The reason why I tell people to find peace with themselves and personal happiness is not because it’s a backup for if things go wrong and you don’t meet someone but because I have spoken to enough women to know that even if you do meet a man, if you aren’t happy, you will still struggle. But I appreciate that it’s not as easy as going “Bam! I’m happy!” so I will put together some suggestions and will post the link when I’m done. Thanks
To all who feel lonely, sad, like they are missing something in their life without a man/spouse: I was single until 39.9999 years old, now I am married and remembering and wishing I had listened to the advice of a good old friend BEFORE I got married. I was so focused on getting married and being in a relationship that I thought nobody could take away from me, would always be there, would be my best friend and would provide me with the entree into that coveted world “the married people world” – does that sound crazy? Give it some thought – I’m quite normal, I assure you. I was just tired of relationships going no where and wanting to stop dating already and get on with the business of living and building a life with one person, A famous philosopher said, if you look too long into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you – it took a whole college class for the professor to explain it, but basically it is a lesson in life, and that is; don’t obsess about anything because pretty soon you become the obsession. Regarding relationships; if you obsess about ANYTHING from getting into a relationship to your husband leaving dirty socks and underwear in the bathroom, the obsessing becomes a recipe for disaster -disaster with a capital D. I myself did not take the advice of the old philosopher or my professor in college – both of them offered the same advice – don’t wish so hard for what you don’t have, it wastes precious time and the thing you want so badly becomes an obsession and here’s the thing about obsessions – they move in, they take over and pretty soon you are doing things that you NEVER thought you would do, allowing things to happen to you that you should NEVER allow to happen and agreeing to things that you should NEVER agree to and finally and worst of all living in a way you NEVER thought you would or should live. When you marry with the mind set of “I’m tired of being single already” , “I should have a family by now” or any type of thought process resembling these you WILL marry an emotionally unavailable man. Its not a maybe, not an if, not a case where you will choose better than any of us who have already done it. I can tell you from personal and currently ongoing experience because I am married to an emotionally unavailable man. Before you write me off as “not you” and “there’s something wrong with her” listen to my story and then think VERY carefully before you ever worry or complain about being lonely again. By the way, its not a matter of YOU choosing right – it’s a matter of you being in the right place inside yourself. PERIOD. THAT’S IT. When you buy a car or house don’t you check it out first? Test drive it? Check out the neighborhood? Well, for some people that’s the dating part but for those of us (that’s you and me) who come to dating in a state of loneliness or unrest about our current marital status dating is a path to disaster until we can get some things straight inside ourselves first – invest in yourself! A few counseling sessions just to see if your head and heart are in sinc and functioning properly to make the BIGGEST decision of your life – for us that’s the test drive! If you’re A OK then you’ll attract someone who’s emotionally available and won’t torture you for the rest of your life or until you get a divorce. If you need a little work, so what! It will only make you better prepared to make the BIGGEST decision of your life!
Ok, my story. I was running a pretty big company (about 60M in gross), making good money, had friends, worked out regularly, had some guys who seemed interested in me (this should have been a clue to ME about myself – there were 4 guys hovering but not really jumping in), I was involved with my church, enjoying a good relationship with my parents…yet there was something missing – a MAN and REAL love. Where could I find a good man and real love instead of those ninnies that were hanging around me but not doing anything about it. I began to wish, hope, think A LOT about it, all the time. I looked at couples I saw together and would be 20 years into my married life in my mind before I’d snap out of the day dream. I was sick of dating, I felt it was undignified, I’d go on dates and end up in the ladies room looking in the mirror saying “what am I doing here?” Sound familiar? Sometimes I had lots of dates, sometimes none, most of my girlfriends were married and after a while I felt stupid going out with the girls every saturday night so I started staying home with a movie and some one of the 4 guys would call and I’d end up talking to them most of the night on the phone. Each month seemed like a year and as I thought about it more and more I began to think “oh, well. Maybe I’m just not supposed to get married” That thought would make me mad or sad and I’d be set back for days sometimes. I went to see a counselor and instead of saying what was really on my mind – I had some insecurities and by then I was obsessing about getting married – I told her what I thought she wanted to hear “I’m fine, I just can’t find the right man, sigh.” Can you imagine? I paid a fee to tell fibs to someone who just wanted to help me and could have helped me and maybe kept me from making a huge mistake not long after.That’s like making all the beds and washing the floors before the maid comes! I told myself that I had tried in counseling and continued “staring deeply into my abyss” of marriage (remember the philosopher I mentioned from my college days?) And one day not long after, I woke up and “the abyss was also staring into me”. I had finally ALLOWED myself – a nice normal girl with a good job and a nice family, church involvment, friends etc. to become obsessed with only one thing in my life! If you are still reading where are you in all of this? Are you sure? Soon after I was married to a guy I met on the internet when a friend and I signed up on a site together. We met within a day (mind you I was still running a huge company and making decisions that would sometimes take months to plan and put together!) we ate dinner together for the next 4 nights, the third night he said to me “dating is awful, I don’t know about you but I’m done….I only want to date you.” I was impressed of course but something inside me went “Hunh???” So I did what all truly well obsessed young women do and I ignored the voice inside and excepted his proposal after 3 weeks and married him after 5 weeks – I’ve made a hundred business deals longer than our courtship! But, 40 was coming that summer and I just couldn’t bear the thought of another birthday smiling nicely at all my friends, phone calls from my parents and family blah, blah, blah. What I really wanted was a romantic evening with my husband! I would have smiled numbly through anything else, or so I thought, but it just wouldn’t be like celebrating my first birthday with my husband! So I married him for so many reasons just like the birthday one, to stave off loneliness, to stop dating, because I thought I loved him and that he loved me (after all who would ask someone to marry them so quickly if they didn’t love them right???) I thought we had experienced love at first sight etc, etc, etc. WRONG – The only truth in any of this was that I was living out my obsession to be married. Still reading? Still think that you’re not obsessed about getting married? You don’t have to be crazy, cracked or anything else except perfectly normal and….lonely to become obsessed with filling a void and stopping your own enjoyment of family and friends that truly do love you. Let me ask you a question – if one of your friends broke her leg in a skiing accident would you take her out on the slopes the next day? Sounds ridiculous right? But its what we do to our hearts and our minds and our insides when we experience deep hurt somewhere in our lives and we never really deal with it we just pretend it didn’t happen or look for the next relationship to fix it up and be the cure. After a while we’re so hurt we start trying to fix others up because we begin to feel that there’s just nothing else we can do for ourselves. But there’s lots that can be done, starting with a simple appointment with a nice counselor whom you like – someone who may be able to stop you from hurting yourself any further and doing any more damage to your self esteem and as for loneliness….well, let me just share. Do you remember the old friend I mentioned earlier? The one with the good advice I wish everyday I had listened too? Would you like to know what her advice was? First let me share a few exerpts from my marriage. Just about immediately after we got married my seemingly really nice and loving husband stopped touching me – yes that’s ‘touching’ and I don’t just mean sex – no hand holding, no looking me in the eye, no gentle brushes or caressing my hair or face (of course all things I thought I’d get from a husband) there was also no sex – he rolled up in a ball with his back to me most nights, if he wanted sex he would be a little kissy, pull me around and after he was done get up and wash himself off and insist that I did the same! When coming and going from the house he’d give me a perfunctory peck and begin talking about his cases at work or some movie star or singer he’d read something about in the bathroom magazine rack at work. He’d plunk himself down in front of the TV and watch until 1AM at which time I would get up and ask him to come to bed – he’d come reluctantly and be angry with me for several days after – staying up later and later each time. I suppose you’re thinking at this time that you’d choose better, date longer, look more critically at the man? Before we were married my husband never stopped holding my hand, touching me, kissing me, complimenting me, talking about us and our future and because I didn’t have a TV in my house by choice I never observed the TV habits. As time went on – not much time – he began to speak to his family about me in a negative way, to disparage me to anyone who would listen as a matter of fact – people at work, my friends (who were horrified by this time) his family, his ex wife….Yep, I was pretty blind about that too – it was an unresolved relationship for him where there had been a lot of pain. He told me that he was happy about the divorce, well adjusted because it had been his idea and he was prepared to do it for years but the kids were so little…blah, blah, blah. 2 years into our marriage he admitted that he was cruel to her from the beginning and 6 months in she tuned him out with work, got herself a contract job with the army and 6 security clearances so she could not even be reached on the phone or visited at work until she came home everyday at 10pm. I guess I have stood up under quite a bit. The zebra has tried to change his stripes but he’s still the same zebra he was 15 years ago the first time he got married and now with me 2 1/2 years after getting married. He is sometimes quite nice but doesn’t follow through on the start – almost like somewhere in the middle he realizes how nice he’s being and stops. He’s selfish and narcisistic, spiteful and creatively mean. He stomps out the goodness in his own self when he finds any. For example he’ll do something nice for me like get me kleenex when I’m sick and tell me as he hands me the box ” don’t think this is because I care about you, it’s something I would do for anybody” Nice hunh? Would you like to hear the advice my old friend gave me and what a prediction of my future it would turn out to be? With her I was honest. I told her I was lonely, frustrated with just hanging out with friends and not meeting my own mate and she said to me, “Don’t get married because you’re lonely or anything else but READY because you’ve NEVER known loneliness until you’re married and lonely.” That piece of advice is something I look back on daily and wish I would have heeded – especially the part about “married and lonely” two words that I thought it was impossilbe to have in the same sentence and so I DIDN”T BELIEVE HER until now when I experience it every day! My husband has left our home 11 times in 2 1/2 years. Each time to live out for days, weeks and sometimes months. He says he is “avoiding conflict”. The only part correct about it is the “avoiding” part. We’ve been to counseling where he says ” I love my wife, I don’t understand what her problem is” Did I neglect to remind you dear reader that no sex means no children – before marriage we agreed on at least one – after we were married and when we’re alone he tells me it will never happen and laughs. We’ve been to counseling at our church with no affect and he comes only when he’s in a good mood. No matter why they are emotionally unavailable – they just are. Sometimes they are really a mess and well hidden under a facade of love and flowers. LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE – not the one that says “dating sucks and I hate being single” listen to the one that says “hey, wait a minute let me find out more or Hunh???” . Ask questions, lots and lots of questions. An emotionally well adjusted person will respect your need to know and understand the gravity of getting married and that it includes answering some questions. Visit the parents if possible, check out the brother and sister relationships, meet his friends – does he have any friends??? Find out about the ex wife, girlfriend whomever there might be, kids, grandparents and see if he thinks that people and relationships are disposable – this is very important. Can he carry on a conversation with you or anyone else that has a clear beginning, middle and end. Can he make decisions and small commitments and stick to them like going to the gym, eating right and getting enough rest – my husbands daily cruelty and horrible sleeping habits have produced in me a resurgence of an old stress related disease called fibromyalgia – very painful. I was diagnosed at 19 and had it pretty well managed until I got married. Do I recommend marriage? Yes, wholeheartedly BUT BUT BUT – make sure you are ready and that doesn’t mean you’ve already got your wedding dress!!! That means first check yourself out then check him out because I can promise you anything LESS leads to disaster. My old friend told me I’d be lonely and well….I certainly am sometimes and have had my self esteem bashed, my heart broken several times all by my husband and am now almost 43 without a child, living far from my family (another of his broken promises) and yes I do find myself lonely – lonelier at times than I ever imagined could be possible. I have my faith and my family (sort of – my husband has done so many cruel and scary things that they stay away now) my friends (also scared of my husband) and I am beginning to rebuild my life, my self esteem (the right way this time!) and my future. He’s gone again and I don’t know if he’s coming back but I don’t know if I want him to come back. It’s pretty scary though what someone can do to you – what we ALLOW them to do to us – they can make you think that you’re the mean one, crazy, sick and twisted because you’d like a nice loving marriage with kids! I have a lot to give, love and a wonderful family and friends and a deep commitment to God. I know that I’ve been afraid of relationship commitment and really trusting someone and I know that’s why I chose someone like my husband – the unavailable seek the unavailable. What a lesson – what an expensive, horrible, nightmare of a lesson. Don’t do this to yourself. Back up. Find a volunteer thing you like to do and give your heart to that, go to church, talk to a counselor and be HONEST and you will one day sooner than you think be ready to meet the real man for you. I have always thought my story might stop someone from doing what I did – please let it at least give you pause to think. I wish you love and hope the best for you all.
Wow Kim, I am so sorry you have gone through this but very grateful you have shared your experience here. I found myself glued to your story and many bells rang for me. I am in that horrible “lonely” place right now, after my second marriage failed 6 months ago. He is still pursuing me (along with 1/2 dozen others) and I am not going back there. I totally relate to the “married and lonely” thing – during both marriages. I have been in therapy for the last 6 months but I still feel the “void”, made worse by my losing my 22 yo son just a few months before the breakup and having my (now) only child, treat me with indifference. I am trying to fill my life with *me* things, joined a social club, looking at what volunteering I wish to do but the weekends and nights stretch out endlessly sometimes. I have lots of great friends but they are all busy with their families, grandkids (have none) or husbands. I believe I am doing all the right things for me, but still, it is a hard and lonely road. I just feel like a have no *soft* place to fall, although I am MORE than capable of looking after myself. I sincerley hope your life works out for you in a way that is in your own best interests.
i’ve recently stepped into a dark scary puddle of single life myself. After two failed marriages and a string of bad relationships i really thought i had found my soul mate this time. after a short honeymoon period his emotional unavailibility brought about my neediness. My Neediness brought out his cruel side. His cruel side brought out all those unresolved fears of not being “good enough” in me and i would become cold and bitter towards him sometimes even sabotaging the relationship only to apologize for it later. last weekend the relationship ended and i’m still in pretty much a dazed and confused state wondering what went wrong and where to go from here. I know now that from here on out i need to take an active interest in myself and my own life. i need to fix me first and learn to be happy on my own. I was so obsessed with him for so long i have a hard time remembering what my own interests and goals were; and how much i’ve changed since i last thought about them. Being single again for me has been like getting re-acquainted with the old jennie and getting to know the new jennie in the process. I hope at some point to regain control of my life and my future. Something that has been put on hold for too long while my relationship took center stage.
Hey,
This is a similar issue that i address in the post i just did today ” The fairytale romance – Does it happen when you are least expecting”.
Neways i go to point out that it is entirely up to you to stop focusing on trying to find the right man and start to focus on yourself.
Like you said, YOU are the only one that is responsible for your own happiness. No-one else is!
Can you imagine, if we gave ourselves so much self love, that we felt we had nothing to lose when it comes to relationships? can you imagine how much more we would have to give?
I think this is one of the keys in happy a happy and fulfilling relationship and the funny thing,is that it all starts with you.
Hot Alpha Female
Apologies for being self centred at the moment. I hope I am not always so. It has taken me many years to be able to speak . I tried for decades to talk to my husband rather than about him. But now I feel too low with the recognition of how hopelessly disloyal he has been all along. LIfe with him and with his unavailability has been confusing . I did not even know to call it confusing, etc. I just felt crazy and among the walking wounded once we married. For one thing, my husband turns every exchange between us into a sparring match and if there is a third person in the conversation he sides with that person against me, no matter what. He can’t even agree with me when I agree with him. In that case, he changes his opinion. Very confusing. With hindsight his mother and sister seemed similar somehow. (They had people on blacklists who had to be wrong no matter what . Mother and sister were extremely attractive, self possesed and contemptuous.) My husband is handsome, very self possesed and jokes constantly with others. One of our neighbours, a mature man, a former bank manager, commented in passing recently to us “You never know whether or not he is taking the mick,” nodding at my husband. The neighbour did not seem to like the feeling much. Well, that feeling has been my whole adult life. My husband regards himself, probably correctly, as very witty. At the same time he is joyless. He seems to affirm nothing. He is perhaps deeply cynical. Again, all very confusing. I get along with people even if they have “mistreated” me but if my husband knows someone has mistreated me he will bring that person up in conversation and defend that person to me out of the blue. At such times I just agree any more with my husband to get past the point and because it seems like some game he is playing? I’m sorry to sound this way. I have felt deep love for my husband. Very deep. And deep compassion too the many times he was made redundant, etc. Those feelings have maybe been a trap. Those feelings are not sustaining me any more. Does anyone recongnise this kind of “relationship” or person? Thank you for listening.
I’m sorry if I did not put the above submission in the right place.