Tags: assclowns, Blame Absorbers, comparison, Dump and charge up, Facebook and Breakups, inverted narcissism, loneliness, narcissists, Over-Givers, overactive guilt thyroid, people pleasing
It’s that time of year again – I turned 37 on Monday and we also got the keys to our new home (you can see a pic on Instagram). Exhaustion doesn’t even cover it but I’m very happy, looking forward to getting back to a bit of work, but not before escaping and spending the weekend at Camp Bestival. Hopefully our tent will be up by the time you read this. Have a great weekend and without further ado, here are this year’s birthday thoughts inspired by some of my own experiences this year as well as those of readers.
- Mistakes are growing pains but ultimately growing gains.
- Why do we have this expectation or desire to be liked by everyone, when so many struggle with liking themselves? No one is liked by everyone so rest assured that you’re not alone. There is no need to collect likers. Vibe with people who chime with your values and appreciate those who you don’t have to jump through hoops for them to appreciate you for who you are. Being ignored or disliked by another person doesn’t make them more valuable or more powerful.
- People unfold and keep unfolding.
- You are your salvation and you hold a wealth of knowledge and insight…when you’re willing to listen to instead of judging you. Learning to listen to and treat you well, beats fannying away your time trying to get a PhD in other people’s behaviour.
- We’ve got to stop exaggerating busy. Aside from the fact that busy doesn’t equate to purposeful, we all choose what we want to be busy at. Busy people can love, have relationships and include others in their lives. Some people hide behind busyness to avoid their feelings, thoughts, or responsibilities.
- We experience envy when someone who we perceive to be in a similar position to us, has what we want. The answer isn’t to hate on us or the other person; it’s to have an honest conversation about where we need to be stepping up for ourselves and/or to be more appreciative and supportive of our own efforts and stop comparing our chapter X to their chapter Y.
- Patterns happen when we are living unconsciously, so transcending the past so that it stops being on repeat requires us to wake up and consciously consider whether this is how we want to respond and whether doing the same thing and expecting a different result is truly the most productive, loving use of our time.
- Attempting to right the wrongs of a past that you weren’t wholly and solely responsible for, leaves your present and future unattended.
- Don’t give away your choices. The words, ‘yes’, ‘no’, ‘maybe’ as well as, ‘let me get back to you’, exist for a reason. Use them.
- Don’t write online what you wouldn’t be prepared to say to someone’s face.
- The more readers and friends I talk to, the more I recognise that many people have parents who engage in Show Pony Parenting. Happy to post pics on Facebook and tell people how great they are but not willing to actually be there. Often want the glory without the effort. It’s like, What will the neighbours/other family/the community think? Erm, what about us? Some are masters of entitlement and guilt tripping. Even though I physically/verbally/mentally abused you or neglected you, I am entitled to a relationship and devotion from you that’s equivalent to one that’s absent of these issues. Use your magic eraser and forget the past right now and be a good son/daughter! Of course when we’re treated this way, it only serves to rub on old wounds.
- Expecting to have a mutually fulfilling relationship or to be happy without being willing to be vulnerable, is to expect the trappings of vulnerability without putting forth the effort.
- Problems, challenges, disappointments and losses, don’t vanish due to being in a relationship. Granted, you will often be able to weather these together but tasks that will never go away are 1) self soothing, 2) self-managing, and 3) listening to and supporting you. In and out of a relationship, if you’re not doing these things, start working on them now.
- As soon as I hear, ‘I’m a very honest person’ or similar being emphasised, I hear ‘o-oh’ in the back of my mind. Honesty is the truth with respect. If you’re being rude, some of that honesty gets lost because you deceive you in some way to legitimise your position.
- Grief isn’t linear; it’s a work in progress. If you experience a loss – that could be a bereavement, redundancy, breakup, divorce and other trauma – you will experience a myriad of emotions as well as periods where you seem to be making headway and then, BAM, it hits you. It doesn’t mean that all is lost and that you’re doomed. The BAMs occur less plus each time, they challenge you to clear more and as well as to strengthen. You don’t see it at the time but what you experience helps you to navigate next time around and to also engage in self-care in between.
- Loneliness is greatly misunderstood. It has nothing to do with how many friends or family you have or even whether you’ve been in a romantic relationship; it’s about whether you are expressing your innermost thoughts and feelings. When you wear a mask – people pleasing – and when you fear expressing your true self, you end up feeling adrift. Feeling lonely doesn’t make you a loser. When you experience loneliness it’s because you’re feeling emotionally disconnected.
- Would I treat a child in a similar manner? Would I judge a child or another person for the same thing? The next time you beat you up for not being ‘enough’ now or in the past, temper your self-criticism with these questions, especially if berating you is a habit that runs back to childhood. To continue stops those younger aspects of you from being healed and ultimately stops you from moving forward and growing.
- All narcissists are emotionally unavailable but not all emotionally unavailable people are narcissists, otherwise Fallback Girls/Guys would also be narcissists… Likewise, all assclowns are emotionally unavailable but not all unavailables are assclowns.
- If you don’t like somebody, use that knowledge well and move on. We live in a time when people make it their vocation to let the person in question know. It’s not only deriving satisfaction from going out of their way to communicate their dislike so they can give themselves a boost and feel powerful, but it can also be a form of seeking validation. ‘Give me another reason to legitimise my dislike of you.’ When a person actively goes out of their way to communicate that dislike, they’re also carrying on as if their opinion is super important.
- It’s impossible to be ‘up’ all of the time. It’s not sustainable and the desire to never be ‘down’ stems from a highly unrealistic expectation that life should be perfect and that you shouldn’t experience disappointment. Success, happiness, growth, and courage evolve out of disappointments and hardships, often bringing a deep sense of gratitude further down the line due to appreciating a blessing in disguise.
- What and who would you be if you weren’t living your life according to rules that aren’t rules and essentially censoring your true self? Be that. That’s what ‘being yourself ‘ means.
- Be careful of the forever hungry mindset where you never appreciate what you have because your mind is always on the next proverbial meal. How will you know and appreciate what more is, when you never appreciated what you had?
- Entitlement has been the strongest and consistent theme so far this year in a lot of the stories people have been sharing with me. If you want to understand why and where you are stuck on something, look at where you feel that because you are or have something, that you feel that you should have _________.
- If you agree to do something, don’t amend the T&Cs that you agreed to, based on some hokey judgement of the other party. If you borrowed money and agreed to pay it back (erm, that’s why it’s called borrowing), you can’t decide that you’re not going to pay it back because you don’t feel that they ‘need’ it. That’s jacking someone! If you agree to volunteer, you don’t get to decide to do it shittily just because you’re volunteering. That’s not the kind of help that people need.
- If you haven’t met a person and yet they keep making sexual innuendos or are even requesting sexy photos and making clear that they want to hook up when you meet, they’re not looking for a relationship; they’re trying to screw you. If that’s all you want, great, but if you’re wanting to meet because you’re looking for a relationship, flush.
- When shady folk do a major breach of your boundaries, it’s best not to let it go unchecked because it will be perceived as an opening plus in knowing what they’ve done and forecasting blowback at some point, they will often seek to manipulate the situation by ‘getting in there first’ and accusing you of something (likely made up or exaggerated) to distract from it. This how they cover their arses.
- If you neglect you and feed you with crumbs, anything others do will go through the low self-esteem exaggeration oven and come out looking like a loaf by comparison to your own efforts. Set the standard of how you want to feel and be treated and no one will be able to come along and showboat with less than what you can already do for yourself. That, and when you treat you with love, care, trust, and respect, it kills off that raging hunger to latch onto anything and anyone who gives you the time of day or who activates your need to please.
- Ups and downs are relative and personal hence why comparison and envy aren’t the most productive or illuminating uses of your energy and time.
- When we routinely see ourselves at the centre of other people’s behaviour and are essentially blame absorbers, it’s ‘inverted narcissism’. None of us are that powerful. To think we are is delusions of grandeur in itself.
- When you stop giving to receive and only do so because it’s what you would do anyway, not only do you stop over-giving but you also see where the land lies with certain people. And that can only be a good thing.
- There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and desiring to love and be loved, but be careful of crossing into that zone where it’s become a need that you’ve decided will be the solution to any internal issues including dissatisfaction with the self. Not wanting to be single due to negative connotations and even self-hatred, isn’t the same as wanting to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship, which brings me neatly to….
- Don’t ‘force ripen’ your relationships. You meet someone. You’re not sure about them. Maybe you don’t even know them yet. Then something happens to activate hope and fantasy. You decide now that you’re in, and in two shakes of a lamb’s tail, you’re thinking, When are we moving in? When will they say they love me? This will not only affect your attitude and actions, potentially blinding you to good or not so good things that are happening in the present as well as dulling your self-awareness, but you may end up alienating yourself. That and you may end up being over committed to something that you have not spent enough time assimilating whether it is actually something that reflects your needs, expectations, wishes, feelings, and opinions and ultimately your values.
- Don’t let people Dump and Charge Up on you. Ever known somebody who circles back to you whenever they’re going through a crisis (possibly the same one on repeat) who effectively offloads on you, gets charged up, and then bowls off and does the same thing again? There’s a difference between being there for your friends (or family) and being their waste can or battery charger. If you feel drained, you’ll feel pained.
- When you’re conscious, aware and present, you don’t have to fear waking up in a relationship where your wondering why you feel so hungry despite having ‘so much in common’. You don’t have to try to retrace your steps to identify what you’ve missed and you go into relationships with a greater sense of awareness of who you are including your needs, desires, and expectations.
- Everything is easier said than done. Everything. That’s why there’s no point in using it as on objection and a barrier to taking action.
- There are always going to be people who will eff with you. It’s the nature of life. It won’t happen all of the time (unless you’re hanging with shady folk) but when it does happen, don’t mistake it as a sign that something is wrong with you. It will happen regardless of how nice and ‘perfect’ you are so it’s best to get on with the business of being you.
- There’s no magic bullet. It’s too much to expect that you will do something for you and all of your problems or the pain over a particular thing will vanish. That won’t even happen if you soothe on something or someone else – it will just be alleviated temporarily. Consistently and repeatedly treat you with love, care, trust and respect and you will experience the cumulative benefits.
Your thoughts?
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Happy Birthday and congratulations on your new house. What a great picture of you and your daughter, such Beauties! ( you look like her older sister ). Thanks for teaching so many folks how to live, really live. You are in inspiration my dear.
Yes! I second what Selkie said.
I have learned more from you than expensive therapists, self help gurus, books, articles and everything and everyone I have ever sought out for wisdom.
I put you in a league with Louise Hay, Werner Erhardt, Ram Dass and the Dali Lama. History will prove me out,
Happy Birthday, Natalie.
Dear Natalie
Happy Birthday – although this is belated – I wanted to find a suitable post to send you a personal message and this seemed like a good one! I have reading you for three years and in that time you have helped me come out of a difficult relationship, find another love and also give me the confidence to start to live my true vocation rather than what everyone else thought i should do or be. I have now started a fashion business that at its heart is about women dresssing for themselves and not for society – to express themselves. Thanks Natalie again – i still read you but moved away from the basics (seeing married men etc haha) and on to the inspiring life enhancing articles.
Rita
Happy birthday and wish you all the best for your future!
August 1 2012
Natalie……..I have found everything single post you’ve written and the books you wrote to be absolutely on target, inspirational, positive, heady and hands down totally useful information about relationships, especially “bad” ones. So keep up the excellent work and have a great Happy Birthday day
Meg
Portland Oregon USA
Happy Birthday Natalie
You have done so much to help me change previous destructive relationships both with family and an ex. I actually can’t even put it into words very well but your impact on my life has been huge and I thank you.
Reading this post I can see I have come a long way but still have work to do.
L is still very hard for me. I am not ready to allow myself to be vulnerable again, and maybe I never will be. But this is OK so long as I am not “putting myself out there” and letting people down by being UA myself.
Lots to think of. Have a lovely summer.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAT!! YOU ARE SUCH A BABE & YOUR BABE IS ADORBS.
Maybe the wisest 37 year old I know. 🙂
Congrats on your home and on your life lessons, Natalie. You’re an inspiration.
I keep coming back. Sometimes I fear I am the arse clown ( whatever that is) or the ridden. Certainly I am drawn to the abuser as I try to save her only to have her say ‘leave me alone’ though moments earlier she seemed to be (drama) crying for help – more, I guess, a drama reason to not actually want to see me but still keep me hanging. Well today I flushed. Happy B day
Happy Birthday Natalie!
The great thing about being happy is that you don’t have to tell anybody, but you show it without ever having to utter a word! I am glad you were able to convey the lesson learned from your experiences and hopefully both past and present readers will learn that reflection and application are necessary to live a somewhat peaceful and fulfilled life!
Regards,
Stephanie
Happy birthday too
That post should be handed out in schools as part of the curriculum! Beautifully articulated.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE! Thank heavens for your wisdom. Thank you turning your trials into testimonies!
I am reading this entry and I am being affected by envy. Nat, you got your shit together relationship wise and it seems in most areas by the time you hit 30. I don’t count this as much suffering, just enough to get a blog going and get you to today. Good for you, you took a little pain and ran with it. I have been trying to get relationship going, and I am in my 50’s now, no success, no family, no kids (wanted them badly, but guess not badly enough) no house. Because of all this effort put into the relationship department and trying to get over my past, not much career success either. I am way past entitlement, way past a lot of things. yet, i still want the relationship that can work and I can’t even describe how hard it is to keep the faith. My last relationship was about 2 years ago, I have not contacted the ex in a year. With him I felt part of a family unit, he didn’t want anything serious, said I put him thru too much when he put me thru his divorce issues. Now that it’s done, he’s not into it, but will always accept casual. OK, I get that we call this a EUM, perhaps an AC. But, I have stayed away, I did NC and still nobody came into my life and i still missed what I had with him. So, I emailed him, because I couldn’t find an item that maybe he had. I know it can’t go anywhere and I know that no matter if i do nc or not it will be what it will be. I have failed at relationship my whole life so far, and I am confident and even attractive (didn’t help me except to attract more wrong men) The only thing I have learned is to tolerate being alone better, tolerate feeling like a failure more. Tolerating life without relationship more. That’s about all I got. Reading all this is encouraging, but not really helpful. When you have been fighting this as long as I have….and yes, I even gave up blah blah didn’t make a damn difference except to make me better at tolerating a life without. Nice. Not.
Whatever,
I am sorry to hear about your state of mind and I just wanted to say that no-one really has their shit together in any context even when they seem to have everything going for themselves. It’s more the effort and the waking up to it all each and every day that conscious decisions are being made and that’s where the everything-going-for-themselves come into play. Or not when you are so used to disappoints and failures hence a mind shift is what is needed as perhaps the battle has always been done with only you on your side hence why it has been so long, so tiresome, and simply tolerating right now. Carrying the burden on your own (and for so long) is not normal for anyone to do or go through so sharing here hopefully has lessened the load.
Cast your net further afield and find the necessary supports rather than turn to what is not working for you. In the meantime there are a few posts on envy and jealousy plus I would like to steer you to How I Learned to Love Myself (three parts) so take what you can from them and be proactive rather than reflect and contemplate.
Let’s both wish Nat a special day today (hip hippy horayeeeee) as especially this blog is a life saver to all who have dropped by and have stayed/kept in touch.
Positive and warm thoughts your way.
Thanks Gina, and yes, Happy Birthday Natalie.
I’ve always felt that my relationship experiences have not been normal, although not so much when I read other people’s experience. Yet, still most people who want to marry, somehow manage to do it, even if in delusion. I would have married my first bf because I was in delusion..totally, but unfortunately snapped out of it, due to him breaking up with me, before I could. I say unfortunately, because I would have rather married, had kids and divorced than what I went through and I do believe it would have been less painful, and much less discouraging. Ok, I’ll stop now, yes, more support is a good idea. I find that with friends I have talked about it way too much, I felt like a hamster on a wheel, so now I stopped, and am learning to accept what is, if someone can tell me the difference between accept and tolerate I’d appreciate it, haven’t found my way to total acceptance yet. Thank you
The difference between acceptance and tolerating is: Acceptance is peace, serenity and contentment with what you have. To tolerate is to exist while focusing on what others have that you want but don’t have.
Instead of mourning what you don’t have, embrace what you do.
Try fostering children, being a big sister or signing up as a safe house for kids in danger. Be a Guardian Ad Litmus.
Thanks Ficc, definitely need to remind myself of that!
whatever, your life pattern sounds like mine. But please, please DON’T believe that you would rather have gone through divorce, and dragged kids through that. It’s the worst.
I was having a solidly rotten time once, about the same issues you raise, and my sister (a sole parent) pointed out to me, ‘You are not a failure. You have never been divorced. You haven’t been left pregnant or with kids, alone. You’ve never been in jail. You’ve never had to go to court. You’ve never been robbed of all your money by some bum.’
She was exactly right. OK, I wanted to get married, but I never did. I wanted kids, but I never had them. Thing is, if I had REALLY wanted either, I could have done it, and would have. So I have to be honest with myself now at 45 and say, ‘Guess I didn’t really want those things that badly. Or, maybe I wanted them, but all on my own terms, which is very unrealistic.’
So now I am much better off, because (a) I am being honest with myself; (b) I didn’t bring kids into a world where they could watch their family fall apart and be damaged by desertion and neglect by at least one parent; (c) I didn’t have to go through the whole affair-divorce-abandonment pattern myself.
I now consider myself LUCKY to be single. I am grateful for it. I no longer feel like a fifth wheel or the odd one out. All it takes is some honesty, some small life changes about where you live and who with, and what you do with your time. It also helps to cultivate something of a fuck-you attitude, but in the nicest and most ladylike sort of way.
‘It also helps to cultivate something of a fuck-you attitude, but in the nicest and most ladylike sort of way.’ – this made me laugh out loud! Yes, it is exactly what is needed, you are so right 😉
Ethereida
Thank you for your perspective, you are right and so is your sister. I resonated with ‘maybe I wanted it but all on my terms’ I also lacked confidence to say to one guy, ok, we’re moving in together because he was so immature and EU, but not really, just wouldn’t say the words, or make the moves, but was always there and would have done what I wanted. I could have had a baby with him if I had pushed for it, he would have wanted that, but what a way to do it, in my mind, the man has to tell me he loves me, wants to be with me, anyways, long story, and long time ago, but I remember wondering why don’t I just grab the bull by the horns, I do in some other areas of my life and in fact it is more my style, but my old fashioned upbringing didn’t allow it, plus I had a ton of fears. And BR would say it’s not right, well, it would have been right, because nothing else came along. I’m very good with children, I believe I would have helped them and been there for them, children are very resilient when they get the emotional support they need.
Whatever, been thinking about your post a lot.
Are you someone who feels her life will not start until you are part of a socially sanctioned “couple”? Why is that? You know your words are projecting “I am nothing without a man”…so….the men who pick up on those signals are generally users of some type.
You say you went NC and “nothing” happened. What did you change about your life during your NC period? No contact is just the beginning of the healing. No contact is the START of the WORK…yeah…that four-letter word that cannot be avoided if you want things to change for the better in your life. Internal WORK. Looking within to see why you are doing without.
You have an “all is lost” mindset. The mind is a powerful thing and you’ve got to control your thoughts.
Look around and see that people have changed their lives from very dire circumstances. It’s not how you start or even where you’re at right now…it’s how you end. It’s not “too late”. It’s good to win in the end. Like Tina Turner
Elgie,
Thanks for the pep talk, I know this is how I sound and I hate it myself. I have done so much work on myself, in fact, the last 2 and a half decades has been about inner work, but I guess there is more, I like what you said ‘Looking within to see why you are doing without’ I have been looking within to see why I have been attracting the wrong guys, why my relationships don;t work, which is ‘doing without, but put that way, I will explore the ‘doing without’ I have through inner work realized I was punishing my parents by not settling down, but even after I saw that, things didn’t change, so I think there is more. One thing I am looking at and someone has mentioned this, is that I have had to fight all my battles alone, yes, friends support me, but growing up and being the oldest to essentially narcissistic parents I always felt alone. I have done a lot of spiritual work and am able to connect and loneliness is less of a problem, but the ‘not having what my heart desires, ‘tolerating without’ seems like I am cheating myself of a happier life, anyways I will continue with the only thing I know, inner work and if you are aware of some better methodologies that get past the conscious into the sub conscious then that is great too. Thanks!
Whatever, I am younger than you, and have been diligently working on myself for 3 years. And all I meet are doofuses and ACs and EUMs. There’s just a lot of them out there, I guess. Guys in their 40s, 50s, they tell me the longest term relationship they’ve ever had was 6 months! Am I ATTRACTING them? Nope. They’re just there. And unfortunately the pool in your 40s. I’ve come to believe it is not my GOD GIVEN RIGHT to have a man in my life. It’s a load of rubbish women are fed from day one. “Some day your prince will come.” You know what? He may not. So what am I going to do, lie down in a ditch somewhere and die? I have so much I want to do with this life I’m given. I help animals. I help people. I’m a good friend. I do what I can for my mom, despite her never doing jack shit for me. I keep in shape. I have many good friends & passions and interests. And I really like my job and have completed some of my creative goals. Assume you will never find a man. Now what will you make of your life?
Diane,
I have thought about that, what to do without a man and I am doing some of those things and have been in the past, but I have to say, I have a hard time staying with that thought for too long. I really want to experience a long term relationship with someone. I feel like it’s a stage I’m missing in my life and I know there will a lot of healing for me in that situation, but life may or may not agree with me.
whatever – I too desire a long term relationship with someone but guess what? We are already in a long term relationship with someone … ourselves. Even in a long term relationship – we still need to cultivate the relationship we have with ourselves. I think you need to let go of what you think your life should be, and see it for how it really is. Life doesn’t begin when you find a man….its happening now. I feel like you are wallowing that you don’t have a man and not enjoying the present. Its better to be alone then with someone who isn’t healthy.
Thanks Lynn, you are so right about that! I am doing better as I have been able to manifest a man to sail with, albeit, not right for re’ship but I really wanted to be on the water again instead of going back to the ex for that. Also, a way I can handle our unbearably hot weather!
Diane, this is the question I have started thinking about as well as I am going through my inner work and all the changes I have been experiencing in the past 7 months. I have accepted that I might never have a man in my life. So what I am focusing now finally is on my life: raising my daughter, trying to change a career now and follow my passion and creative interests instead of being stuck in the corporate cube working senselessly for a paycheck, reading a lot, being good to my friends, I hope, and seeking for ways to help other people, volunteer, and even just listen, and keeping in shape physically and emotionally. I have also connected to God and my church and now this is my life as well. All of these things wouldn’t happen or would have been taken lightly if I hadn’t had the very last AC/EU happened to me and breaking up with me after putting me through a prolonged lies and stringing along and other life-changing event. People on the board who read me in January-March this year remember my story. I am amazed how I used to think I did something wrong to scare him away. I did nothing wrong except for not walking away at the first red flags, which were raised clearly after two-three months of the “relationship.”
This is what I have finally and happily come down to: acceptance that I might live the rest of my life without the “prince,” and I am going to make the best out of it.
One thing I thought about sexuality and libido, but these don’t concern me anymore. Life can be fulfilling without these needs/wants and it is certainly much more fulfilling without sex than with sex with someone who doesn’t care for you as a person.
AMEN, sister.
Whatever
Sorry you have so much pain. You are kind of on the right track; learning to be alone and hopefully being OK with it. Desperation, loneliness just serves to attract losers and when lonely, we tend to settle for folk we ought not to. Widen your horizons, get into groups, events that match your values whatever they may be. Avoid the bar scene which attracts losers, especially in our age range. Take a close look at how/where you live; some areas are just not amenable to forming good rships. First however, you’ve got to be in a place where you are OK with who you are. Not everyone has a house, the career they want, yet they are still good people. Also, dating is 99.9% rejection and being rejected; again, at our age, a good many ACs will be attracted to us; they approach everyone regardless of who they are. Our job is to suss out the problem children and say no thanks. You’ve made a good start by stating you want marriage, not casual. Keep to that goal, you may get there, you may not, but you’re doing right by you.
Norquay,
I agree, and I don’t want to attract anymore wrong men for me. I hope I’m on the right track, but sometimes I wonder, where’s the reward after all this hard work…I’ll keep plugging away, thanks!
The reward is that you are mistress of your own energy, and don’t have to manage or patch your self up -after being with and in a eum’s dirty energy.
You are the boss of you, you are deciding your own life, you are not waiting for some AC to call the shots, and return when they feel the proverbial itch.
You are an empowered woman, trying to change stuff for the better, and for the women that will come after all of us. Happy (belated) 37th bday btw Nat. x
I am snapping in Z-formation, a la In Living Color. That was amazing, Louise. So true. REPRESENT!!
Ditto
Happy Birthday girl!!!*~ 🙂
Happy Birthday Natalie! And as we would say here in Japan, otsukaré!!
Thank you for all the wonderful blog posts you are writing. They are life savers.
Happy birthday Natalie, and a big thank you for keeping my feet on the ground when I am about to lose myself in yet another famtasy 🙂
@whatever…….wow. I found your post really thought provoking……no suger coating, no forced positivity, none of the ‘it will be alright’ attitude……I am in my fifties now and there are times when I feel the way you have described. When even a little bit of something, even a poor schadow of a relationship seems better than nothing at all, it gets pretty tough. But somehow hope always returns again and again…..don’t know why, but glad it does. Somehow I managed to walk away from a 15 year relationship with a textbook sociopath which left me with nothing more than the shirt on my back…….in my fifties, no money, no big income, no assets……we all have those times where it gets a bit too tough for comfort. Then it all comes back to that self respect…..or if that’s not yet there, a bit of acceptance and tolerance of oneself is a great start. It puts a bottom under yourself, something that can catch you when it all looks just too bleak.
I hope that you find what you look for eventually, we all look for that relationship that actually works both ways, but meanwhile, if seeing the ex EU, AC or whatever he is, is good enough to get you through the night, use him as a stepping stone. Why the heck not. Do what you need to do, and even it it is less than ideal, if it helps for a while, it is ok. Things will change anyway, sometimes it can be better to just let it happen and run with it, and so what if it isn’t really what you think you should have.
Take care 🙂
Dramaseeker, Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like a tough thing you went through and to be left with nothing but your self respect. Things can happen suddenly like that too, I need to remember that. My was gradual, like a frog being boiled to death, or in this case extreme disappointment. Anyways, the ex did email back, but has stopped, so not sure anything will come of it, and even in this state, I’m not sure how well I’d handle it, but I get what you are saying, and maybe there in lies the lesson, to accept whatever you get that’s in close range of what you want. I’m still having a hard time accepting that, hence, I’m still alone. Good luck to you too!
Happy Birthday Natalie!
Dear Natalie,
Happy Birthday!!
I am turning 37 next month.
You are way ahead of me in the relationship department, although I was married before and I have a 10-year old daughter. Since after my epiphany breakup 7 months ago, your advice and the help of others have been invaluable.
I am still healing and recovering, but I am nearing the end of it.
Your bullet points in this post – I will copy and paste and save. These points are the summaries of everything you have been talking about for a long time. It’s like a thesis indeed.
Thank you, so much, Natalie, we are the same age, but I have learned so much from you. I am a much happier and self-sufficient and a confident person than I used to be.
I am still single and not interested in dating. I am enjoying my life with my daughter and alone when she is with her dad. For the first time in my life I am not looking for anyone to fill my life because I don’t have anything to fill up anymore. There is no more void. I started liking myself, spending time with myself. I am enjoying my free time with hobbies and things I like to do. I don’t feel lonely and “not enough” any more.
Moreover, for the first time in my motherhood and a 8-year life as a single woman (8 years past my divorce),I started realizing that I am living a full life. I don’t need anyone to complete it. I am complete right now with my daughter and myself as I am. All of these changes I contribute not only to the hurt and pain I endured due to the breakup and the events connected to the breakup but also to your advice and the help of the people on this site.
I became aware of myself for the first time in my life. I became happy finally.
I see what people say now that life does begin at 37 (or 40 or 45 or 50+ you name it). I believe that a fulfilling happy life can begin at any age. And it begins with us.
Thank you.
Wonderful and wise words. Happy birthday 🙂
Totally agree with the “Dump and Charge Up” point. People like this usually aren’t particularly loyal and don’t want to help you when you need them (at least in my experience).
Cris
Same in my experience too. The “Dump and Charge Up” people are hardly ever there for anyone else and I’ve known a few unfortunately.
Their so called friendship is all one sided, their’s naturally.
Just keep flushing.
Happy Birthday Natalie Sista!!!
Keep shining, growing, empowering, and loving
I see you, I love you, I thank you
Namaste <3
Happy 37th birthday, Nat!
You’ve been my lifesaver for the last 5 years with your wise blog. Bless you:)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE! 🙂
Just want to say thank you so much for all your wise words and other’s wise words, who also post on here. I’ve been reading and absorbing it all, quietly in the background for many months now and thank God I now feel more content within myself than I ever have 🙂 xxx
Natalie,
Happy Birthday, you rock!!! And you are my hero!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NATALIE!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday Natalie,your blogs have blessed me and helped me through hard times and has made me the wise lady I am today. Just want you to know you’ve really made a difference in our lives, wishing you and your family endless bliss,enjoy your new home.You are loved!!!! Thanks for always Nat
Happy Birthday Natalie,
my first day here and love it already! WISE WOMAN!
Happy 37th birthday Nat and may you live a long and happy life!!
I just remembered what I was like at 37: a complete mess. My life was one long routine of fretting about unavailable men, feeling sorry for myself, behaving like a boring old doormat and overall not taking care of me. It was such a complete waste of time! Now, at 42 and after a lot of BR, things are so different my 37 year old self wouldn´t recognize me if she showed up in some time machine. I got rid of damaging men, damaging girlfriends and whenever someone isn´t a good influence, I just flush. Finally I discovered what I like and this involves a lot of activities I had never given much thought to, because I was so busy trying to be something I´m not.
I discovered I really enjoy singing (something I knew but had never taken very seriously, simply because I didn´t take me seriously). I got accepted in a semi-professional choir a little over a year ago and we´re having a major concert next weekend in a huge theatre. For my 37 year old self, this would be an unbelievable accomplishment.
And there are lots of other things like that.
This is the first time I´m feeling proud of myself and I owe it all to the process Nat and the BR-ladies helped me go through. It´s a great feeling! So thank you thank you thank you for everything you do, Natalie, and all the best to you and your family!
I LOVE stories like this. They cheer me up when I have the occasional blahs (as is inevitable with perimenopause).
I have also had to accept recently that the last EUM was in all likelihood gay!! He’ll never do anything about it, because he’s very religious, but I read a checklist online recently for ‘the gay husband’, and boy, did he tick a lot of boxes.
Another lucky escape! Rejection is God’s protection …
Ethelreda
Check out progesterone supplementation, works wonders for us perimenopausals.
Not trying to turn this into a “wrinklies” convention, but try taking Vitamin D-3, 2000IU daily…helps lift my mood.
I am also a Maca powder fan for hot flashes (not saying you’re there yet!) and energy.
On a different note, I sometimes felt ACMM is running from homosexuality. Another reason to get out. I’ve dealt with men who were not attracted to me and did not feel they were secretly gay…but ACMM …..I have wondered.
There was an article just this week about a study that made a link between Vitamin D deficiency and Alzheimer’s so I know what I’ll be looking for in the next few days.
Closet cases are among the ultimate unavailables, I should think.
Happy birthday Natalie!! What a totally gift this site is and thank you from the bottom of my heart for being brave enough to create it and hardworking enough to keep it going. The last few years have been very difficult ones for me as I fell head over heels in love with an AC and watch my heart and then my world crumble as he slowly drove me mad with his behaviour. But thanks to this site, I have made it through w most of my pride intact. I am so so grateful to have such a fabulous resource to draw strength from. I am continuing to heal and grow stronger and this site has played a huge role in that. So thanks again!! I will be back soon to report success on my non-contact venture.. Onwards and upwards.. All the best Natalie!!
Happy birthday Natalie, thanks for being such an inspiration , source of honesty, strength and wisdom by being prepared to be real and share your life journey with so many .
Happy birthday, Natalie! All the best in every regard and thank you for your extraordinary generosity and insight. Your site is the one I read come hell or high water.
Elgie R- Your post to Whatever is fantastic! Without realizing it, I still fall into that “lack” mundset that goes with being single in a culture that glorifies coupling. Your post is a good, straightforward reminder that I’m a work in progress and I need to WORK at my progress. The world keeps spinning regardless of my relationship status and my fantasy “hope chest”.
Your post is going into my journal.
Happy Happy Birthday Nat!!!! Love You!
Happy birthday, Natalie! 🙂
Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday to a wonderful woman who saved me from myself. Not posted much lately, but still reading, thank you so much Nat and all here on BR, xxxx
Terrific post. Next year, I hope you’ll give us 38 additional pieces of good advice!
Happy Belated Birthday Natalie! I feel blessed to have found this blog! It saves me from myself. NC has truly empowered me to take back control of my life. Its on MY terms now. No more back and forth. Its get right or get left….for good.
Thank you for sharing this with us Natalie. Happy Birthday and good luck for you and your family in your new home. ‘He that has a house to put’s head in has a good head piece’ Shakespeare, King Lear (never read it but quote makes sense to me).
Thank you to Whatever for making me stop and pay attention. I ‘read’ the above a few days ago and confess I also felt envy and anger at this seemingly endless list of things I am still regularly struggling and slogging on with – while others get their dreams – instead of replying/venting I listened to my soul which said a firm no and highlighted the envy which I now understand as a bad sign for myself and went away even though I didn’t understand why at the time.
Carried on with ‘life’, while thinking how I could resolve Whatever’s problem and be a heroine also – even though I clearly haven’t resolved my own problems which were strikingly similar!… came back read a few replies – which were great Gina and Ethelreda the unready!!! Thank you (I love the names) and having nothing I ‘felt’ I could add, I went away again for a few days even though I was still tempted to vent – anything – to be a heroine…. I stayed away for a while until I really felt I needed to come back – just before I did, I had an urge to do a stock take of where I was mentally at – reality – and came back with no particular expectations of being transformed or transforming someone else – a bit weary but still alert just needing to connect – low and behold when I came back I started to read the list that Natalie had written and it was like I was reading the list for the first time! Like I hadn’t actually read it before and this time the words connected, making complete sense and providing solutions for the current experiences I’ve been wrestling with. Like a grandma writing you a love letter (;-)Natalie) queries once again have been put to bed because I was in a ‘place’ to connect with it. (My home:-) No doubt I will not be perfect and things will go always go wrong and right again but at least Baggage Reclaim has gone someway towards connecting with me and further than I have ever been before. Thank you to all who contribute.
Miss Natalie….
Girrrrrl. You know you’re the shit. (Or at least I hope you do.) But let me just say it one more time. You know what’s up and you never cease to amaze me or anyone on here. Go on with your bad self.
Much love,
From your feisty Revs
Happy birthday Natalie. wise words, yet again.
These are worth keeping next to my pillow at night. Thank you for your birthday present.x
Happy birthday Natalie! This post is just great, I think the idea of getting in touch with ourself, staying in touch with yourself, understanding yourself is so important. It prevents you reacting in panic mode to life and makes sure you will take more informed and loving decisions (love and respect toward yourself, and others). BR commenters, this is the best site for people that really listen to each other and talk to each other – I was having a chat today with someone and realized that I need to keep power in my hands, power over myself, my reactions. We cannot control others. But this power over ourselves is a constant process of transformation and maintenance, its work and there is no slacking off. I was feeling a bit lost for a few days and I realized today that hey, a little humor, a little power over yourself, and you can pick yourself off the floor and get back to the joys of life…
Happy Birthday Natalie, such wise words.
I am a little scared though. When I am single. I look after myself, I love myself. I am aware of all the self esteem issues that lead me to stay with a selfish assclown for years but when that same assclown came back knocking, everything I felt I had learnt went out of the window and I went back to being the same insecure people pleaser that had let me walk all over her the first time. I was more aware of my behaviour this time but I still didn’t walk soon enough. I saw the red flags within a month of him being back in my life and ignored them for another 18 months. We fell back into the exact same dynamic with everything on his terms.
I am scared that I don’t know how to be in a relationship and treat myself with love and respect at the same time. I can do it when single because there is no one else to focus my energy on. The minute I am in a relationship, I disregard my feelings to make sure the other person’s needs are met even when I am fully aware that the other person isn’t meeting my needs.
Wow Jane. I can completely relate to you on this. I am exactly the same way.
Jane, seeing the red flags quicker, and getting out sooner, surely that is progress ? Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that ? Changing habits of a life time, takes a long time, even possibly a life time …
Recently, less than a month ago actually, I too took a walk down AC memory lane, with a crazy charmer of a guy, and even though I got out a lot swifter than in previous nonsense, I did let him in for a while, and reverted back to being a old, less stronger self. Thinking back to why this all happened for me, I knew I felt increasingly vulnerable the exact moment in time that he pounced with his poison, and because I was generally a bit fearful of the situation, new project, new people, I was more susceptible to being played.
For fear and desire are very close friends. People are more likely to fall in love on a roller coaster, a high bridge, in a war….
Plus it had been so long without any attention, I got over excited and fast forwarded and went into fantasy land, because the neural pathways were well set up for that, having been buying fairy tales since I was a little girl of eleven.
It reminds me of the poem by Portia Nelson, an Autobiography in five chapters, concluding with the fabulous line,
“I walk down another street” after her four walks down a dangerous but familiar street. All takes time, all takes courage to do something different, all takes firming up the self and being truly happy with being single.x
Jane was one of your parents an alcoholic or drug addicted? If so local Al Anon groups are great for reclaiming your needs, self esteem and identity in the face of love partners or family members.
Thanks Lousie, Tina and So True.
It is hard because I didn’t walk away this time. He broke up with me when I called him one to many times on not being a man of his word. Our arguments were always about his lack of value for my feelings and always ended in my pressing the reset button or compromising when I shouldn’t have because I knew that the alternative was breaking up with him which I couldn’t bring myself to do. I would have fought to stay in this relationship with everything I had despite recognising nothing had really changed and that I wasn’t happy. I still don’t fully understand why. Maybe I was scared, maybe because I associate the end of a relationship with failure, maybe I just didn’t like him rejecting me when I should have been the one rejecting him.
My childhood wasn’t ideal but parents were not alcoholics or addicts. I think my self esteem issues are rooted there but I still need to do more digging.
It is very disappointing to feel like I did almost 2 years of work but when he came back I responded in an almost identical way. It makes it difficult for me to be too angry at him for claiming he had changed when he really hadn’t. Clearly neither one of us had changed as much as we thought. The only difference is my lack of change was beneficial to him but his lack of change was to my detriment.
Yes its the old – I’ve changed so now I can have that piece of candy/drug/alcohol I really fancy/deserve – even though it is poison – I know it’s poison, and have tasted it previously as poison – it will have miraculously transformed also.
Or the I’ve worked really hard I really deserve a treat – I deserve this to go well or right for me this time.
Or it’s the, they made me feel real pain once but I want to show them that I am really worth it – validate me, make me feel good that I have achieved it and that I am a nice person worth rewarding by treating me with the basic decency.
The reason you fall into this trap isn’t because you are doing badly – it’s because you are actually doing well – and the ‘bad regulator’ in your brain – set in your early years says ‘hold on a minute this is not supposed to be happening – I am out of control’ and then sets about putting it ‘right’.
I am doing the same thing and what I am holding on to – is the space in between regressing – and noting that that space is growing and getting happier each time. 2 years is a really good length of time – in fact it’s great. Like Louise says it takes time to get out of this habit and being really really kind with yourself (in the right way) – like a drug addict or alcoholic.
“maybe I just didn’t like him rejecting me when I should have been the one rejecting him.”
That’s why they keep coming back, too – it’s not that they actually care about us (if they did, they would have a different style of relating) – they want to know that they’ve conquered us, a strong woman. That’s why, SO often, you read or hear about someone who had thought they healed from a stormy relationship, run into their “ex” on the sidewalk (or wherever), who then invites then to lunch. She agrees to meet the man, and is stood up. All the old feelings come back.
See, these emotionally unavailable people turn up the charm and crank up the sense of “things will be different this time” without having to say much. They want to know that they still “have” you, which is the point of inviting an ex, calling her up, or provoking her to anger (if you’re mad, he thinks, you still must love him so he can’t be THAT bad a guy, so no reason to change or get introspective).
This happens A LOT. That’s why total No Contact is so beautiful: no eye rolling at the man (or woman), no explaining what they did wrong or how they hurt you, no talking about your feelings, no Googling him – just nothing. NC stops the game playing. Unfortunately, your disinterest and apparent moving on excites the AC’s will to “hunt” (ugh) and conquer you anew. But it’s always about trying to weaken your resolve and impose on you, it’s never about what’s best for you.
So True, what you say IS so true!
It’s always a game with these ACs.
Happy belated Birthday and congratulations. As always, this was just what I needed today. Had another step backward. Still unable to break the cycle of placing my emotional investment on people that don’t want it. Further legitimizing my belief in my unworthiness. Trying to break that cycle but still haven’t made it happen yet.
Hey Rosie, just wanted to thank you and say “Me ,too”. I have an “I Love Me” folder where I save the nuggets of wisdom I gather from Natalie’s posts AND BR posters.
Since finding BR, I am struck by how identical the behavior is for all our ACs, regardless of race or continent. At first it made me think “Wow, I’m not that special am I?” But now I know the reality is THEY are not that special.
ACMM is pushing the friendship angle, trying to keep me on his roster …I have zero interest.
I notice I have the urge to purge unwanted, unnecessary things from my home and my life.
I was cooking on Sunday and asked myself WHY in the decades I’ve lived here have I NEVER thought about buying myself a more workable oven to replace my 1950’s model whose burners are too close to have two large pots at the same time? I have been juggling pots for years. When buying the new oven, had an AC moment with a salesman who tried to feel me out for mistress material – like Noquay says, they are always out there, looking for new meat. I did a double-blink at his tentative proposal. Did not move me to anger, did not make me feel “special” or “sexy” or like “I still got it.” He laughed it off with a self-deprecating “I need to stop being bad!”
ACs are everywhere.
In the last week I got adult braces – a year-long journey (maybe two) – and I have decided to make this my Year of Living Dangerously. I will put ME first this year, in all the healthy moving-forward ways that I can. I will REALLY love myself. The moment I sense a people-pleasing impulse, I will stop. Those moments are easy to recognize, because you are just about to make someone else happy by giving into something because “what does it matter?” you’ll say. In my Year of Living Dangerously, my internal credo is “ I will matter more than YOU.”
Elgie,
You are so right! They are everywhere!! I remember when I walking during my lunch break and this AC tried to talk to me. First he said you so gorgeous, blah blah and then then he said are you married? I said yes and flashed my ring and he had the nerve to say what does that have to do with me? Can I still talk to you anyway. I just laughed and thought this is what I would have to look forward too in the dating pool. This fool with his yellow teeth got the nerve to think he was all that and that I would actually agree with this proposal? Oh thank god I am in a different state of mind!
I have no problems with innocent flirtations…everyone wants to feel they still “got it”…flirting can be a small thrill that makes one’s day. So, the odd person-in-passing flirtation is not AC-ism, IMO.
The salesman, 3/4s of the way into the sale where there was a good rapport – more “rapport” than chemistry I would say – he mentions his wife. Mentions her several times. I recognize the AC Teflon card. Once they mention the wife/girlfriend, their opinion is – any shady behavior you take up with them after that mention, well that’s on you!
At the end of the sale where it seemed he was trying to think of ways to keep me occupied at his desk, he threw out the line of can I do anything else…make you my mistress?…something like that.. that’s when I double blinked and he played it off. I’m certain there are some who may have taken the bait….not judging…after all…ACMM and I started out 17 years ago in a similar manner. I knew he was married and what the deal was but I enjoyed his chasing and attention.
I’m not certain what I am looking for…but I know I did not want what salesman was offering. Just the oven, please.
I ran into the AC today for the first time since I stopped talking to him years ago. When I realized who was calling my name, I thought, “Ugh, not this ass*ole”. Nothing remarkable about the encounter, although it made me think of what a hard time that was in my life and how it brought me to BR. It definitely took a while, but I went from somehow thinking that this dude was my future to realizing what a mess it would have been to be with him. Thanks, Nat.
Happy birthday Natalie
I have never commented on this site but want to say thanks: I found your site two years ago when I broke up with my fiance and was trying to get my head around various questions. I’ve since found your posts to be a refreshing reality check when trying to negotiate new relationship possibilities.
I think that getting to a space where we are able to open ourselves up to healthy, good relationships can require a bit of stepping back and thinking through what our boundaries are, and what we need to do to be true to ourselves and to those who matter to us. And also, being able to recognise when we’re starting to overthink and become unhelpful to ourselves!
Thank you for your part in helping me to do this for myself. All the best.
Nat
This list is brilliant! I would add that all folk need to be financially in a place where they can “go solo” in a minute if things go south, relationship wise. See too many women and men here stay with abusive folks because they’re not in a place to be on their own. Rships should be something mutual, not a dependency. Wish all young women and men could/would access BR, learn about unavailable behaviors BEFORE they attach to someone. Social media, constant need to be in contact with someone, needing to be”liked” by all and sundry, is creating a generation of naive folks with little real world ability to suss out potential problems. Even old farts like me, who didn’t date around much, and those who I would date usually worked out, are very naive about disappearing/narcs/unavailables of many stripes simply because we had never encountered such behaviors. Hope you had a great birthday.
Allison, I am here to say those three little words everyone wants to hear: You were right.
Block Him.
Block Him, Block Him, Block Him.
I put a filter on my email last night to send ACMM to the trash bin.
And I named the filter “Allison”.
ACMM has a no caller id phone number, so I can’t do it with my phone.
But a new number for me – maybe. Don’t feel a real need to change my number, I will just never answer the No Caller ID calls.
Elgie,
You are a riot!!!!!! 🙂
A belated Happy Birthday!!!!!
Enjoy your new home 🙂
Natalie a belated happy birthday to you! It’s a blessing to have found your website , it has helped me to learn about myself so much and still am.
Lots of love and light.
Xoxo
HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATALIE!
May God continue to bless you and yours,
Warm wishes always, On Leaving Sugarland
<3~~<3~~<3~~~:o)==(o:~~=0)~~(0=~~;o)
I’m a little late here with the congrats, but…happy belated birthday, Natalie, and happy new home! You are one of my heroes, and BR has been my refuge for years. I can’t thank you enough for your wisdom, eloquence and humor. So many blessings to you for all you are, and all you give.
And thanks as well to all the posters on this site who have shared their pain, their losses, their failures, their triumphs and joys, their lives. You’ve made me laugh, cry, think, question, marvel and, most importantly, realize that there is a huge community of women and men out there who have struggled with the exact same life and relationship issues I have.
You’ve reminded me that I’m not alone. And that’s a huge and healing gift.
Great post! Number 36 is really helpful to me right now. I had someone say something really hurtful to me today, and I let it get me down for a hot second. I just thought, why? Why would you say something like that? I don’t even know you.
But, the simple fact of the matter is that there are people who are like that. There are people who get joy out of putting others down. The woman who said this to me must feel the need to say harsh/unnecessary things to validate herself.
#32 is also great. I’ve just begun dating someone, and I am having trouble with allowing things to progress slowly and organically.