Greetings from the cosy confines of my duvet – yes, for the first time in a long time, we won’t be doing anything for New Years as I’m sick with some flu-ey type thing that seems to be doing the rounds. Thank you for all of your lovely congratulations messages – I’m grinning from ear to ear about our engagement although it’s been tempered by the fact that a family member is really unwell in hospital. A very bittersweet time.
I want to thank you all for being a part of my life journey and taking the time to read my thoughts on relationships and self-esteem. Your support means a lot and I’m humbled that I’ve been able to be a part of your own journeys and that what I share with you here is helping you have better self-esteem and more positive relationships.
Life is an ongoing journey and you never stop learning, with the same situations being thrown at you until you heed those lessons.
We only get one ride through this life so we should be conscientious in who we choose to make our journey with, especially when they detract from us, hold us back, or take us down a rather shady path. Ultimately, we’re all in charge of ourselves, even if it feels like others are behind the wheel – they’re not, you’re just taking a bit of a hands off approach. When we own our choices, both good and bad, we’re no longer powerless and are in a position to seek alternative solutions and take action because we realise that if we wait around for others, not much is going to be happening. We’ve got to focus our efforts on what we can control – US.My lessons this year have mostly revolved around family (I had to stand firm about my boundaries which meant my mother and I didn’t speak for most of 2010 although Christmas and the engagement has brought a ‘thaw’) and work (I’ve been overwhelmed and very time poor and have had to make uncomfortable decisions and realisations and also set boundaries and expectations with others). One of the things I realise, is that much like in painful times gone by, while it would be ‘easier’ for me to learn without feeling the pain, the experiences and being honest with myself has been 100% worthwhile.
There are no shortcuts.
We want to do the same thing time and again and generate a different result instead of getting uncomfortable, we want to be the exception, we want to love without limits and not have those limits busted. We want to date someone else to feel better about the rejection from another, and we want to numb the pain by immersing ourselves in another relationship or in Other People’s Problems. We want the solution to lie in someone else’s hands, we want it to be someone else’s fault, and we want to attach ourselves to people who are not capable of giving us what we want and somehow magic up a prince or princess and live happily ever after. We want to be cautious, withheld, distant, afraid of being vulnerable, distrusting, fearful, and basically emotionally unavailable and have someone else come along and prove themselves to us so that we can think it’s worthwhile to be different. We want to choose someone based on looks and how much our libido fizzes and then for the values, qualities, and characteristics that we think we need for a relationship to be automatically there. We want to either love without risk or take a punt on a three-legged horse and love and trust blindly.
There is no shortcut. You’ve got to start loving and liking yourself instead of looking for others to fill you up and challenge the very beliefs that are governing your relationship patterns anyway. You’ve got to address your beliefs and how they tie into how you see relationships, love, and yourself, you’ve got to be prepared to go on a Bullshit Diet and be honest with yourself instead of living in lies, and you’ve got to be emotionally available.
You can be and do all of these things. Within each and every one of you is the power to address these things and be different and start living and feeling the life that you want to live. I’m not saying it’s easy but actually it’s a damn sight better and easier than continuing to resist and avoid getting uncomfortable. You know the deal by now – you can keep doing the same thing and expecting different results, but that would be insanity. You also have a back history of experience to draw from that shows that it doesn’t work. If you can’t date or have a relationship without being able to love, trust, respect, and care for yourself with healthy boundaries, always choose you; don’t choose them. Don’t sell yourself short.
There are people finding love at all ages all the time. Someone I know who is in her fifties, divorced, three kids told me recently she could easily have given up especially after the guy she met on dating site didn’t work out and the next load were all imbeciles, but she decided she had nothing to lose by trying again. Eighteen months on, she’s very happy with someone else she met online. I’m no fan of dating sites but I know of a lot of men and women like her that take care of their emotional wellbeing, back away from inappropriate situations, and are prepared to take their time and get on with enjoying their lives in the meantime. Their lives are rounded and they derive their happiness from various sources. The difference – they believe there is healthy love out there for them somewhere in spite of any painful past experiences and they’re prepared to keep learning and take action.
Wishing you all much love, light, and happiness. See you in 2011.
love Nat/NML x
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As Natalie says, JAY-SUS! I don’t check her blog for TWO days and she has TWO NEW POSTS! I think my heart is starting to heal. I still miss the damn A/C. I miss the firecracker sex (that he later started “withholding” from me), I miss the kindness that he showed me, I miss the fun times we had when I first met him, I miss the “promises” of the “fun times” we were SUPPOSED to have. I DON’T miss the A/C that he became. I don’t miss the ignoring me, I don’t miss the way he “Jibber jabbered” in circles around me after an argument then just did what he pleased anyway, I don’t miss the “nicey nicey” in public but in private he bit my head off….. My philosophy has always been, “if it’s meant for me to have a guy, one will show up” so no Match.com for me. I feel like if it’s “Right” I’m ready, but only time will tell if I “learned” about “boundaries.”
Natalie, thank you, and Happy 2011
“We only get one ride through this life so we should be
conscientious in who we choose to make our journey with, especially
when they detract from us, hold us back, or take us down a rather
shady path. Ultimately, we’re all in charge of ourselves, even if
it feels like others are behind the wheel – they’re not, you’re
just taking a bit of a hands off approach. When we own our choices,
both good and bad, we’re no longer powerless and are in a position
to seek alternative solutions and take action because we realise
that if we wait around for others, not much is going to be
happening. We’ve got to focus our efforts on what we can control –
US” The above is IT, in a nutshell, what we are all trying to grasp
and put into action in our lives so that we can be healthy in mind
and spirit and have healthy relationships with ourselves and
others. Congrats Nat on your engagement, and your lovely girls, and
your book deal, I couldn’t have done without your commonsense
advice in 2010, you helped keep me sane when I truly lost my way
and my self esteem was in the gutter for so long after my last
AC/EUM “relationship”. I see it now for what it was. And NC with
these men is the only way, it hurt so much at first, like coming
off a drug, but there is so much light at the end of the tunnel if
you stick at it. 2011……the start of my new life, the new
me………good luck everyone in your healing and
journey…..
like JJ, I’m not going for any dating websites or ANY
websites to look for men. not that I was looking for one on a
journalism website however there he was, we talked online . . . and
it ended badly. I don’t miss being treated badly in private yet in
public he had to hold my hand like he owned me. if I’m meant to
meet someone, the right man will come along. for now, I’m in no
hurry to meet anyone.
Thanks Natalie, And AMEN to that! If only the women who are
going through so much pain such as I can choose them first. It’s
easy for me to dish out that advice, but very hard to accept it.
What a lonely New Years eve.
Happy New Year to all, and congrats NML! I really want to
give you a big shout out for this website, a resource that is going
to help me frame my goals for 2011. I knew when I left my
relationship in September that I was going to have to look hard at
why I stuck with that dude for so long. I knew I’d have to get real
and realize that escape from my own life (ie. the one where no one
else tells me how figure out my career, my finances, my choice of
support network) isn’t possible. If someone else’s life seems way
better than mine, that’s not a reason to cling to him even when
he’s a jerk, it’s a reason to look at why I’m not satisfied with my
own life. Tough stuff! Last New Year’s Eve the A/C had just flown
me across the continent to spend a pretty darn romantic evening
together, drinking champagne, watching fireworks in NYC from a
rooftop (though wait, in hindsight, we didn’t do all we planned
because … etc etc). This year I’m hanging out with the good
friends who were there for me as the fairy tale devolved throughout
the year. As the clock strikes, I will give myself a smooch
(figuratively, because literally would be difficult!) and think of
all the ways I will enjoy being with myself and for myself and
loving life in 2011. I’ve set some goals and look forward to
developing FOCUS. Thanks again, best wishes to everyone as we head
into the new year!
I don’t know who you are are where you came from Natalie
and friends but I am so grateful. I’ve spent hour upon hour reading
your posts and the comments and everything has been so spot on. I
feel like you are all here with me. My only regret is that I did
not discover this blog sooner, but alas, I did now. I’m starting
2011 pondering the idea that I am as emotionally unavailable as the
men I’ve been involved with, including the most recent unhappily
married AC. I read each article about the EUM thinking about him.
Then I re-read the articles thinking about ME. There is no way
around it. I am as unavailable as he is. I ran hotter and colder in
this last relationship than he did. We’d have a great evening,
everything would be perfect (as perfect as it could be with a
married man), then I’d flip into other woman mode. After hour upon
hour of reading, I think I have sought out the EUM because I am the
EUW. I most certainly have abandonment issues which I thought were
addressed in five years of therapy. NOT. My most recent EUM was ME.
I need to be emotionally available woman to be with an emotionally
available man???? Sometimes things are simply simple. Wahoo, let
the new year begin. In 2011, I will be working on becoming an
emotionally available woman. BTW, unhappily married men are
seemingly perfect for a EUW. It is like a moth to light. I thought
I wanted independence, no committment, and my space. An unhappily
married EUM/AC seemed perfect because I thought I was in control.
He could never be there for me and could not reject me because he
was never really there. Therefore, I could have my life with him
and my own life without him. NOT. It didn’t work out that way no
matter how I tried to justify, rationalize, and explain it. I am a
cakewoman as much as he is a cakeman. We thought we could each,
respectively, have our cake and eat it too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m
not beating myself up, I hope. I hope I’m having that honest
conversation with myself.
I hear you, Jj2. I feel the exact same way. I still miss
him, think of him everyday still, but wouldn’t ever go back to him.
No good for me. I won’t do dating sites either, just not for me
though I hear they work for some people. I believe that I am strong
enough to be on my own and one day he will come, today, tomorrow or
in 10 years. It’s ok, I’ll wait.
So well said Natalie. Thank you so much for sharing your
wisdom with those of us in need! God bless you and yours this New
Year!
may 2011 be a year of thriving and living happily, finding
real love with YOURSELF and then with others who can truly
appreciate you. happy new year, ladies 🙂 great post!
….”Don’t sell yourself short”, I’m going to make that my
mantra for 2011.
Happy New Year 2011 Nat and family, May you have a blissful, wisdom filled life together underpinned with laughter and patience.
Natalie,you’re engaged! How did I miss that one! Huge,huge
congrats and blessings to you,it couldn’t happen to a nicer person.
And a very happy new year as well. Lots of hugs xx
I went and looked back in my journal to what I was thinking
about last New Years and it was all about only being able to focus
on the bad relationship I was in. This year, I am not in it and I
am glad, though it’s been hard to get over. I am happy you said
what you said about people finding love at all ages. My ex made the
comment once that, “A middle aged man with a good sense of humor
can still meet someone. A middle aged woman with a good sense of
humor? Na uh,” said in a tone of near disgust. I reminded him
promptly that his ex-wife met someone in her mid-50’s (while
married to him, I might add) and all he could say was, “Yeah, well
her beauty faded. She used to be really attractive.” I should have
bailed out right then and there. I have been haunted by that ever
since he said it and now he is out chasing some 26 year-old at age
58. I am now 44 and am finally getting that tripe out of my head
and believing that love will be possible for me again some day.
There are exceptions to every rule. My new years goals are a lot
different now than than last year when stuck in the bad
relationship. My biggest goal is to love and take of myself and not
look for love as if it were a matter of life or death. I have to be
able to have self-love before I can give love and make a better
decision.
Cat– You are wayyyyyyyy better off without him! As a rule,
better to be alone than in bad company (when it comes to personal
relationships, and by that I mean romantic AND friendship). I am so
looking forward to the new year. I have just confirmed the EU-ness
of another “friend”–and I am looking forward to spending less and
less time with her. I can’t avoid spending time with her, period,
as our husbands are longime friends, but the time that will be
spent will be marked by ME bring just as EU as her. Why should I be
the “rock” and the emotionally available and present one, when she
is not so giving/open and is snobby? (And this is despite my being
wayyy more educated and successful than her.) (And this is b/c
because her family–her dad, that is–is
grad-school-educated–well, I am, too…but I am not a snob about
it! If I were, then I shouldn’e be hanging with her, under her own
rules/logic!) I am tired of having to “eat” b.s. for the sake of
not being called a snob, when everyone else is acting like a snob
or a jerk! Time to draw some boundaries with the people who deserve
them being drawn. She won’t be THAT surprised! Fine by me! Happy
New Year to all!
Congratulations on your engagement Nat. That’s wonderful
news — you deserve all the happiness in the world. Happy New Year
to you and your family. xox.
longime = longtime
bring = being
shouldn’e = shouldn’t
sorry, typos!
I always take away something from your message and inevitably feel better. Skippy
Congrats on your engagement! Skippy
“We want to do the same thing time and again and generate a different result instead of getting uncomfortable, we want to be the exception, we want to love without limits and not have those limits busted. We want to date someone else to feel better about the rejection from another, and we want to numb the pain by immersing ourselves in another relationship or in Other People’s Problems.”
I started the long conversation with myself today, thinking again about my relationship patterns and my emotional unavailability and Natalie’s statement above couldn’t be more on the mark for me. I think best on the treadmill, so rather than think about him or work, I gave my self a New Year’s present and thought about me for fifty minutes. He crept in and out of my thinking but I kept NC’ing thinking about what was wrong with him and focused on me. I thought about my past relationships with the new insight of this recent relationship and the new insight gained from this website and the above statement. Oh dear. I’m 51, been married and divorced three times and I have done the same thing time and time again and generated precisely the same result! I slid from marriage to marriage to numb the pain of the rejection. Between my first and second husbands there was a matter of weeks. (Of course, in the US, it takes six months before the divorce is final but I had already moved on to the second soon to be hubby.) Between my second and third husbands, there was again only a matter of weeks. After the third divorce at 41 (only one wonderful daughter), rather brilliantly I thought at the time, rather than get married again and again, I’d get involved with married man who was hot to trot after me after only a few weeks after the third marriage went south. That way I couldn’t get married again. Brilliant. And, I rationalized that he was pursuing me, therefore things were bad at home. Brilliant thinking. That lasted several years, and I didn’t end up married. I win. And we were both seeing the same therapist. As the relationship with MM #1 was coming to an end, he chose his wife when I put the pressure on. Never fear, before MM#1 was gone, MM#2 showed up on my doorstep. I’m not making this up. I did the same thing because it was familiar. Pain smain, let’s have fun. He must have problems at home otherwise he wouldn’t be pursing me so it is okay. He is married so I won’t end up married again (red flag, I’m EUW and he is EUM) and he was really fun. That is when the “fun” ended. As he left me to be with his wife time and time again, I experienced the darkest moments of my life. As he texted me while waking up with his wife, I cried. As he texted me after going home to his wife, I cried. How could he leave my bed after making love to me all night and crawl into bed with her? How could he go on a ten day cruise with her and leave me pining at home? I see now that the pain of many years was finally setting in. My denial was cracking. But, in true addict form, I’d get up in the morning, assess the situation and own back in. Afterall, what the hell else did I have going? And, I could date anyone I wanted because he was married. Only now, I didn’t want to. At 51, probably for the first time in my life, I’m facing the pain. Our version of Natalie in the US is Dr. Phil. So I emailed Dr. Phil. One of the Dr. Phil experts emailed me back and said that it all makes sense to continue with MM#2 if you want an emotional recreational drug. He suggested that I consider setting some goals. I know better than to argue when somebody doesn’t know me and nails me in a few emails…just like this site. Once I started thinking about my goals rather than planning dinner or spending the day on text messages getting dripfed as to whether we could be together that night, I figured it out. I don’t want an emotional recretional drug that tids me through that day or that night. I don’t want a fix. I don’t want text messages as a subsitute for being here. I don’t want to have anything to do with a MM no matter how bad it is for them at home. I don’t want to be immersed in a MM’s problems with his wife. I don’t want anybody to leave me after making love to me all night and go home to another woman. I don’t care how bad it is for the MM at home. Stay home. Figure it at home and don’t go seeking a “shag” as you all call it, in the US we call it a “roll in the hay” with another woman. Now, finally, I’ve figured out what I don’t want. I’m going to take a break from men and figure out what I do want. I’m going to figure out how to be emotionally available, get uncomfortable and vulnerable, and take HEALHTY risks. BTW, No MM need apply.
Thank you all. Thank you if you read to the end.
@Runner — I read to the end, then went back and read all over again. We are of similar age and so I feel affinity with you No more MM, you are worth so much more. Love, hugs, best of luck, Wasted. x
Happy New Year to you and yours. Hope you feel better soon and congradulations on your proposal. I enjoy reading your blog and will continue to learn, love and live and will continue to apply these life lessons to my own life.
Congratulations Natalie! Wishing you the best for 2011!
Thank you so much for your blog- have been following it for over 2
years now and the changes I have made in my life and within have
been enormous during this time. You are truly an
inspiration!
I first found this blog a few years ago. During these few
years I could probably have judged what I was doing in
relationships by my attitude towards your blog, Natalie. When I was
being realistic and taking positive action, I loved this blog and
so related. But when I was in denial and hoping, distracting and
deluding myself I thought your posts were way too harsh and had
nothing to do with me! One thing I have come to see is that
dysfunctional relationships are very predictable. These a**clowns
are incredibly predictable. The best thing I can say though is that
I finally don’t want any of them. I finally feel that I am capable
of a healthy relationship. And I am content with myself until that
comes along. I think I have learned to love through my friends and
family who have stuck by me and who I am finally opening up to now.
It is such a journey though. There is no destination other than to
keep on learning. Thanks for the blog!
And congrats on your engagement!!
Nat, Happy New Year! Feeling better is just around the
corner! 🙂 Congratulations on everything — successful blog that
makes a difference, engagement, etc. And, thank you, too, for your
friendship. You are a real pal. Love and light for a brilliant
2011, W xx
Happy New Year to you all, I truly hope it brings you much
deserved happiness. I was recommended to this site by a friend and
I am so grateful to her. Natalie, you talk the best sense and
although i’ve only used your site for a couple of days, it’s given
me the kick up the backside I so needed. No more Ms.Misery, i’ve
got a life to live and i’m going to live it to the full, i’m know
there will be down days but thanks to you and the girls on here, I
also know they wont last forever. Thank you Natalie for making a
truly inspirational site. A x
Thank you Natalie for your continued support and I pray for your strength, wisdom, and energy through the rough seas of your own life.
I’ve been reading your posts for a year now. I’ve learned the importance of setting boundaries most of all through your website and the focus upon my own life. Never giving up those things which are important to me. Those things which restore my own soul and keep me focused. For instance: my night-time routine and getting good sleep at night, what ever is required to keep on a good schedule for my job, going to church, spending time with my family and friends, and being very aware of how a date treats me; with kindness, care, and respect ALL THE TIME. Guarding myself from becoming too attached too quickly, and paying attention to what they say (words matching the actions). Paying attention to how I feel and the minute I start becoming concerned about what I think he wants…backup and stop to think about me and my boundaries. I’m a prized and valuable piece of property and I have built a good fence and won’t share what I have with any “joe blow”, especially those that always want to climb the fence, steal what I have and then bolt!
A George Washington quote says it all in a nutshell: Be courteous to all, but intimate with few; and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence.
The “let those be well-tried before you give them your confiendence” hits me like a ton of brick every time I read it. This applies not only to dates, but potential friends as well.
I hope everyone that has experienced an assclown has a new year of clarity and action, and the path to meet someone with a good heart and healthy emotions!
Thanks again Natalie for helping us all!
Congrats on your engagement! Your story is inspiring. I’m
just now currently trying to ween off my first seriously EUM! I was
freaking blind-sided. I had never encountered this creature before!
haha. 🙂 I went through some losses in my life recently, which I
think contributed to this happening. He has nice guy qualities,
which is definitely what got me and kept me “hooked”, as you have
described in one of your articles. He has a good heart, but not
healthy emotions 🙁 That is what made it difficult. Your wisdom has
helped me navigate through the jungle. Luckily he is leaving town
for a month. Puuurrrrfect! HAPPY 2011! xo, Martha
Natalie – Happy New Year and many warm wishes on your engagement. I am very happy for you and your family.
This part of your post stood out: “We want to be cautious, withheld, distant, afraid of being vulnerable, distrusting, fearful, and basically emotionally unavailable and have someone else come along and prove themselves to us so that we can think it’s worthwhile to be different.”
I think this tendency is RIFE, both as a form of fear (“I am too scared to invest or be hurt again so you’d better give me all the information before I open myself up again”), and as a form of arrogance and risk assessment (I will and CAN wait til the perfect person and conditions before I decide to be a good, worthy partner” – as though those qualities can simply be turned on and off, and aren’t about character and habits; I back my chances at finding a better person or better situation.).
I suspect I am struggling a little with both, but not in a hardened or ridiculous way. Quite happily single right now, but starting to feel more and more confident and positive about meeting someone and giving it another (real) go.
Happy New Year, readers!
Thanks, as always, for giving the tough love on relationships. I’m becoming more aware of my own emotional unavailability, as painful as it is to see, and am somehow picking people who reflect it, rather than picking people who maybe, just maybe, can work with me on it and won’t bail at the first sign of … well, anything. As someone once said, “When you meet the right person, they’ll work with you on it.” I’m crossing my fingers that we’ll all find that in 2011.
And I like this: “One of the things I realise, is that much like in painful times gone by, while it would be ‘easier’ for me to learn without feeling the pain, the experiences and being honest with myself has been 100% worthwhile.”
Oh, the pain, indeed. But you know what they say about pain: it’s the touchstone for growth.
Thanks, NML, for the great words in 2010!
This is the very first time I’ve come across this website and it’s just wonderful! I was just doing some introspection (asking my bloody self why I dated 4 men with “serious baggage issues” the last 4 years – they came in different versions and packaging even – and just felt like googling that annoying phrase… I just want express how happy, elated, relieved, and justified I feel now that I found your site. I wish you an extremely happy new year too; all the best Natalie! Greetings from Vienna, Austria. 🙂
Congratulations Natalie and best wishes for a wonderful
year. It’s so thrilling and you are so inspiring! I am so thankful
to have found this site. It has really opened my eyes to men,
women, and any relationship you have. It has helped me beyond
words, I can only hope I move forward in a better direction. I had
my first date of the new year; it went well and I am hopeful. I
will proceed with caution and keep myself grounded unlike before.
It will be a learning experience for sure. I just know that I can
bail at any time it doesn’t feel right. I hope all of us will have
a very productive year with whatever we are doing. Most importantly
I hope we love and care for us first and foremost! I especially
love Kate and runnergirl’s posts. Thanks to you and all of us here
at BR!!!