Dear Ex Who Keeps Letting Me Back In,
You’re probably wondering what the hell is going on, what this last go-round was all about, and whether I’m ever gonna change and finally give you the relationship, commitment and love that you desire and deserve.
In short, the answer is no.
I mean, why would you want me after all the crap I’ve put you through?
It’s getting to the point where you’re pretending to people who actually care about you, that you’re not in touch with me.
You rationalise that they don’t ‘get’ me or the relationship and that they’ll judge you/us, but your friends, family, co-workers and even the woman who saw you crying in the park the other day, are totally right about me.
Of course, I’ll tell you that they’re all assclowns and make you feel torn should you so much as hint about their well-placed dislike of me, but they are right–I just haven’t wanted you to agree with them. You might have the good sense to be done with me.
The truth is, I’m selfish.
It’s not something I like to admit, but if I look at my actions in the cold light of day, particularly when I consider how much pain you’ve been in, I realise that if I really, truly loved you, I would stop what I’m doing, even though it would mean letting you go.
I mean, isn’t that what people who genuinely care about and love something or someone, are prepared to do? Be prepared to lose it or them?
I can barely commit to showing up in a week, never mind to do something as bloody scary as genuine vulnerability.
I just want to know that you’re there, like a comfort blanket.
If I get sex, an ego stroke, or some armchair therapy out of you, even better.
In truth, I hate the idea of you not being there, of you not still seeing potential in me.
If you, who’s gorgeous, loving, kind, generous, empathetic to a fault, clever, and the list goes on, is no longer prepared to give me the time of day, what does that say about me?
When you have the good sense to scream at me that you’re ‘done’, to cut me off and refuse to reply to my texts or pick up my calls, or you even try to move on with someone else, I know that you feel bad about it and doubt whether you are right to do what you’re doing (you are).
You doubt yourself and question why you weren’t enough for me [to give you what you want].
I could have told you ages ago and, sure, I’ve hinted at it in various ways, but it’s not you.
This is who I am.
Even when I’ve appeared to give commitment to someone else, I’ve acted up in one way or another.
This is a me-problem, but, OK, I have benefited from letting you believe that it’s something you’re doing or not doing.
I keep dangling getting back together ‘for good’ and so when I crash and burn, yet again, you wonder where you botched things up.
You didn’t, unless you count taking me back in the first place…
The moment that I can’t access the supply of your love, you’re attractive again, because I associate being out of control with desire.
I also, yes, rather selfishly, see you as mine, and if you move on with someone else, I will feel incredibly insecure and fear (or know) that I’ve made a mistake.
Each time you take me back though, it gets rid of that fear.
I like your ‘goodness’ sheltering me from the truth of who I am.
I like knowing that someone like you wants to be with someone like me, even though I also know that I can’t give you what you want.
I like the idea of it, in that moment when I’m not sure if you will respond back to my texts or whether you will believe my promises, which admittedly have all fallen through.
I like the idea of it when I want your forgiveness because I hate the idea of being thought badly of [even though I wouldn’t put that same energy into doing better].
I like the idea of giving you what you want, when I get rejected elsewhere and suddenly, I’m not sure if I’ve still ‘got it’.
I like the idea of giving you what you want when I’m not in control.
Because then you want to give me that power.
That’s it. That’s the truth.
You keep thinking that we’re getting back together because you assume my intention is to get back together with you.
You assume that in giving me the power to provide what you want, yet again, that I will come through.
We get back together because I want the power and control back.
That’s it. That’s the truth.
If I have to lie, beg, borrow and steal in order to get back into your heart and likely your pants, then so be it.
If I have to mess with your head by disappearing, standing you up, cussing you, making critical comments, letting you see me with someone else, sleeping with my ex or someone you know, blowing hot and cold, and the list goes on, I will do it.
The moment though, that you give in or even enthusiastically come bowling back into the fantasy and drop everything for me, I know something isn’t right because you’re giving me the time of day.
I know that I don’t deserve you. How come you don’t know, too?
So, I go back to putting a question mark over your head, because amazing people like you [who I don’t truly respect and value] shouldn’t be fannying around with people like me.
If you let me, I will do this and more to you until the end of time, or at least until you have the good sense to shut me out of your life and move on.
I might even, move on to someone else, appear to give them what you wanted, but then still toy with you. You will wonder, Why them and not me?, even though you need to want better for yourself.
I do not want your heart; I want your attention.
Feck it, I want control.
If you’re serious about being in a serious relationship, stop believing me.
Stop giving me the power.
If you want a mutually fulfilling relationship with love, care, trust and respect, stop lying to yourself.
Stop trying to have the last word.
I know I have all of my stuff going on, but seriously, stop.
You can do waaaaaaay better than me but your unconscious desire to have the last word, to be right, to have what you think is a rejection of you ‘corrected’, is causing you to hang on and call it love.
Stop trying to please me!
Stop trying to show me how to behave and hoping that I will feel guilty enough about how badly I’ve treated you, that I will spontaneously combust into a better person giving you a better relationship.
I’m just not that fricking special. Yes, really!
Stand up for yourself. Don’t feel bad about it. Tell me to jog on, to eff off, to do one.
And I know that you don’t love me in the way that you deserve to be loved by that person who will be there for you when you get me out of your life once and for all.
I’m not saying that you don’t love and care about me, but letting yourself down to be with me, and secretly trying to have the last word, is keeping you with me long past my sell-by-date.
I keep coming back to push you to stop taking me back.
I keep coming back to force you to love yourself more than you love me.
Whether it’s me, or someone else like me, this will continue until you recognise what you couldn’t see before, which is that you can do better and it’s time to stop repeating the past.
I am not the love of your life. I am not the solution to your pain.
Let me go. And, don’t believe me when I get in touch next time.
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
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Yep, sounds just like the ex-eum! The minute I no longer wanted him anymore after he stop seeing me for somebody else, all of sudden he wanted a relationship! Go figure! He KNEW why I didn’t want him anymore, but he kept getting in touch just to get my attention. Doing things just to feel in control. Calling me to tell me of his engagement after a year, just to see how I would react. I didn’t fall for it! I meant what I said and didn’t give him any attention or a reaction which probably pissed him off. Oh well tis life.
And the best bit is that you don’t care if he is pissed off or not. It’s meaningless in your life once you wise up. Taken me many years to wise up to it too, complicated by the fact we have a child together. Ah well, life’s challenges are the way we learn and improve.
I never believe my husband could stood so low cheating on me until i confront him with evidence confront your cheating spouse with evidence, I was able to spy on my cheating ex phone without finding out…..it really helped me during my divorce …you can contact h a c k s e c r e t e @ g m a i l. c o m for spying and hacking social networks, school servers, icloud and much more,viber chats hack, Facebook messages and yahoo messenger,calls log and spy call recording, monitoring SMS text messages remotely,cell phone GPS location tracking, spy on Whats app Messages,his services are cheap.. and please tell him i referred you to him he is a man with a heart of GOLD.
By far, I think this is your best article yet Natalie. The change in perspective is so helpful and eye opening! Please write more from this point of view. Bravo.
Totally agree with Jo’s comments, couldn’t have put it better myself!
Thanks Natalie
I am going through all your posts about breaking up, letting go and why I let him mess with my head as we had the “we have to end this” talk , again! He always initiates this talk. He keeps making “mate date meetings ” (actually more than when he made dates for sex !!! ) to do this, Again , that makes it 4 times in two weeks ! Seriously. On the last two times I just said” ok then there’s nothing left to say, I’m leaving, only for him to say “is that it then?” “Can’t we be friends, then asking what the best times was for me that we had together! Then a hug and ” see ya” my reply, which I really am going to try to mean was “no you won’t” oh what mind games we play ???????????? I have finally blocked and deleted and I am having all the ups and and downs that go with that decision. I’m still not convincing myself even thought I know the truth of him. This letter from him is what I needed to read today, it says it all. I still want to believe I was the exception to the rule but I’m not that special. I just need to stop making excuses for him, he’s not that special, I need to listening to what he’s telling me and showing me with his actions and stop trying to control the situation. I know it’s the fantasy I want more than a relationship. Not saying my situation is the exception but, I have it all, a supportive loving husband, a lovely home, family, friends and demanding career, WTF !!!! I need to get over my ego, selfish ways and get real. I could have lost it all for that!!! I wanted what I wanted him to be and not the real him. But here’s the worse bit, I am still not ready to let him go ! What is wrong with me ??? He’s a much younger MM and fits all the negatives that are discussed on all the posts, Eum, flip flapper, hot & cold, …. Ect ect ect …so please someone tell me why I want his attention , I just don’t understand or know me anymore. Why do I want him to want me ! He’s just not that special. I seriously think this last 4 and half years have given me mental health issues. I’m rambling because there’s so much I want to get out so I can get rid and move on. I’ve done the CSI bit to the point that a full series could be made out of it ????. I really would like to thank everyone who has ever posted on BR because I have learnt so much, but obviously still have a way to go.
When you go through the emotional rollercoaster with him over and over and over, you get addicted to the rush of it all. Like a drug, it’s an addiction. Pull up the big girl undies, straighten yourself up and March On!…in any damn direction but towards that heathen assclown. Hugs!
Alicia, Thanks for the hug ! I need it right now, been overthinking again all night and still got that anxious feeling in my belly….
Wait a sec. You have a supportive husband?! And want anonymous people on the Internet to make you feel better about the man you were cheating with? This is not about you needing help in explaining why you need the other man. I don’t intend to help you justify your affair. This is simply that you feel entitled to give the royal symbolic secret eff you to your husband. You’re unhappy that the man that could help you give that eff off is moving on. You’re upset that now you have to live like all those other boring married committed people. You want to have a high drama secret life so you can be special. You’re not addicted to the rush of this man. You are addicted to the rush of lying to your loving supportive spouse.
I’m assuming you’re not in an open marriage. If you are then carry on. If not, then you’re the problem here. Your attitude to your marriage is the problem. The other man being a narc is not the problem. You being narcissistic is. The anxiety in your belly is because you’re living a lie.
It takes a lot of courage for some people to bare their souls and post on this blog.
No matter what our backgrounds are, whether we are single or married we have all a common theme which is in our now past; we are all bound by the fact that we fell for a person who was sent at that time to teach us a lesson about ourselves.
Until you walk a mile in someone’s shoes, you don’t know their story or their background. Be kind.
Most people on this site feel some degree of shame, of vulnerability and they know exactly what they have done. What we do need more of in society is to show compassion and support.
I have never posted before but I felt that Wished I’d Never Met Him needs some compassion right now.
I agree SB! I also believe it’s all in the delivery of one’s message too that makes a difference. However, that doesn’t mean others have to agree, sympathise, mollify or even mollycoddle others whose actions have been less than favourable. Part of why this forum is successful is that its users can access a range of opinions, analyses, advice, information and blunt honesty.
Suki provided an honest analysis based on the information that Wished I’d Never Met Him provided. In all fairness, I’m inclined to agree with Suki’s assessment.
Wished I’d Never Met Him – have you considered how your actions could affect your marriage? Your family? Your friends? Have you thought about your husband’s feelings at any point during your 4.5 year affair with this MM? Looking at what you’ve written, it’s all very self-centred and little remorse is being shown for cheating on your “supportive loving husband”. You have some serious issues here which require deeper inspection and therapy (before you ask, I do attend therapy weekly and it’s been amazing for me). Why else would you try to sabotage such an idyllic existence? I’m not trying to shame/blame you, just trying to prompt you to think from a different perspective.
Many of us BR readers have been through the wringer – whether it’s dealing with traumatic childhoods or a series of toxic relationships with friends/family/lovers. I can’t speak for anyone else but personally, I don’t know what it is to have the unwavering support of a loving partner and/or to “have it all” – as you explained you do. It just saddens me that you were prepared to throw it all away for a fling when I’m out here just hoping and praying that someday I can experience the kind of love you already have.
Seek the professional help and support you need to overcome your demons. I wish you all the best. 🙂
Well stated, Rachel 🙂
There isn’t “little” remorse being expressed by her about cheating. There is zero remorse expressed. Coming clean to her husband is the way forward here. He needs to know what he’s married to.
I only just read this as I thought all post would follow on, I’m not thinking properly. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your compassion and kindness. I’m not a bad person I did a bad thing ,Im not a religious person either but I pray you find a good man and find happiness xxx
Thank you @ wished I’d never met him, I do appreciate your kind wishes. I sense you’re not a bad person otherwise you wouldn’t be here, but I always judge people by their actions and your infidelity over the last 4-5 years are not the actions of a good person. I know you can do better than this.
I’m not actively seeking a man right now, and I don’t believe that a man is the answer to my problems, but I am learning to create my own happiness by focusing on my health and wellbeing so that when the right man does come along, I/we won’t be burdened by my baggage.
For me, putting dating on the back burner and putting myself first has been one of the most important journeys of my life to date. It has forced me to face some difficult home truths about myself and the people I love the most (e.g. my toxic relationship with my narc mother and bullying/EU step-father), but has also presented me with the opportunity to address these matters head-on and try to resolve any that I can, instead of diverting my attentions to whichever new man I’d normally have hanging around.
For all the love and support you have from your doting husband, good friends and family – it’s evident that you’re still deeply unhappy. You’re actively sabotaging your own existence which suggests that you either really dislike yourself or believe that you’re not worth the blessings you’ve received in life.
A good therapist will help you to identify what drives you to behave this way and more importantly, why. Don’t make the mistakes I did for so long. I was guilty of burying my head in the sand, blaming myself for everything and continuing with the status quo whilst hoping for a radically different outcome. Make the decision to face up to your demons and do it before you lose yourself and everything that matters to you.
x
Rachel
“For all the love and support you have from your doting husband, good friends and family – it’s evident that you’re still deeply unhappy. You’re actively sabotaging your own existence which suggests that you either really dislike yourself or believe that you’re not worth the blessings you’ve received in life.”
So right ! I feel like you know me so well and have experience similar things to be able to identify so intimately after only reading a very small extract from my life, I have never acknowledged negative things that happened in my past. I have buried my head with the reason that I am a strong intelligent women. I have overcome these things as I have a successful life. I think I’m kidding myself …… I have not dealt with them ! Maybe at this point in my life they have raised their ugly head and I have time on my hands to let them, maybe I tried to sidetrack myself with drama to avoid this. I need to deal with them. You are right, you do not need a man as you have self worth and don’t need anyone to validate you, you are lucky , and have obviously worked hard to get to this point! to have self love, I still pray that you can be rewarded by-receiving love, respect and a partner in life to share that with, he will be a lucky man. I am now taking action, …
One of my favourite saying that I now need to instigate….
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step…..
Action ! I have come too far and worked too hard to lose the love and respect of the amazing people around me, that I got for a reason , I am a better person that I have become, if others can see that its about time I did !
Xxx
I have to agree with Suki on this one. I had to reread your post twice to make sure I read it right that you have a loving, supportive husband. If you are not happy in your marriage, give your husband the decency to walk away and figure yourself out.
@wished I’d never met him. I see you’re getting a lot of flack in the comments for cheating. I understand why, as a lot of people on here have been on the receiving end of cheating from Mr Unavailables, so they’re finding it hard to empathise with someone whose Mr Unavailable is actually their affair partner.
To those critiquing you, as someone else who has (hopefully not any more, if my resolve holds out) cheated with a Mr Unavailable, I’ll do my best to explain how it’s not that black and white.
I think some Mr Unavailables deliberately seek out women with poor self esteem who are experiencing relationship difficulties. All the usual EUM stuff that Natalie describes on this site (fast forwarding,etc) applies except they are trying to convince you to cheat with them, rather than start a new relationship.
However, as soon as you indicate that you have genuine feelings and are considering leaving your partner for them, is when they start blowing hot and cold. The married EUM just wanted extra marital sex, they didn’t want a new relationship with you and they never for a second considered leaving their own wife/partner.
You end up feeling terrible because you cheated for a fantasy and you realise that you should either end or work on your primary relationship, but not let the fantasy of the non relationship with the EUM cloud your thinking about whether to stay in your primary relationship. You resolve to tell Mr EUM to get lost.
Mr EUM, however, wants to maintain you as a partner in crime for cheating, so he’ll guilt trip you when you try and cut contact with him.
You then end up in an awful place, where you feel guilt for cheating on your partner but also guilt when you try and go no contact with the EUM.
All of this, is not to justify cheating but to explain that it can come actually come from a place of feeling pretty awful yourself. Lots of people imagine that everyone who cheats is a narcissist who cheats because they think they are special. For some of us, it’s actually a manifestation of some pretty serious self esteem issues. I know that if I had felt better about myself then I wouldn’t have been taken in by my affair partner’s ridiculous charm and flattery.
@Wished – consider coming clean with your husband. It’ll be one way to feel less awful about yourself (I confessed to my main partner).
Also, accept that the affair, by its very nature, is a fantasy and that if you have poor self esteem, you’re more prone to believing the fantasy.
The affair never was and never will be a genuine alternative to your relationship with your husband.
The affair partner wants to maintain you as a side show (which is why he’ll try every trick in the book when you try to end the affair), but don’t give in and let him convince you to stay indefinitely in a guilt-ridden situation of cheating which leads nowhere.
(typed on my phone so apologies for any typos)
There is a lot more to my story and I’m glad you can see that and offer good honest advice and understanding. I’m not going to go into detail to justify anything I’ve done , but I am with you with the walk a mile in my shoes before you condem . I am glad I shared this and for the comments of everyone. It’s been very thought provoking .Each and everyone of us have a history and this forms our beliefs and options which are all valid. To be balanced and none judgement after hurting and being hurt are the result of true strong self strong people and I am thankful the world has people like you in it. Xxx
E
I have considered telling all to my husband and have issues both ways, I caused the hurt so need to absorb it, that is my chain, is it right or fair of me to hurt him to relieve myself of it, or is it better he does not know and I do all In my power to make the future better and be the person her deserves. I believe he will want to continue in the marriage if I did confess but this will taint everything. Is it better for him to know the truth and he decides what he wants? Your experience with this and your husbands thoughts would be appreciated. X
I would not want to advise on what you should do either way, that must be your decision.
Think hard about what is missing from your marriage, there is a reason why in a time of vulnerability your head got turned.
Even if people are married, it doesn’t make a difference. If you haven’t learnt the lesson on how to love and respect yourself, this would have still happened. I agree with Karen, think about your parents, and what this guy represents to you, because he will represent something that keeps you hooked.
A daily journal is a really good idea. There are ones you can download which have password protection, so you can really pour your thoughts and feelings into it. Keep it up daily for a month and see the changes in yourself as you realise how much you focus on him, and then as the days go by note everything else you focus on; even a month makes such a difference.
Take care now. I know you know what you have done, and there is no point in beating yourself up about it constantly, that’s when negativity comes about and if turned inwards causes depression. Find a good therapist (best idea) or a very good trusted friend and let this out. In a marriage it can be very isolating as there is so little emotional support, but it does not mean that you don’t go through the same emotions as other people do.
You are kind and I appreciate the compassion you show. I agree with your hypothesis on why people are not empathetic with winmh. To be fair, I think she acknowledged that people would be angry/irritated with her. You are so dead on about the need to cut out the distractions to get the truth out of the situation. I commend you for coming to the decision to end it based on your strength and insight. Unfortunately when one ends it because of his AC ways, the haze remains and makes It even more difficult to analyze the situation , as there are additional questions, doubts and regrets thrown into the mix. Sigh.
It sounds to me like this creep reminds you of a childhood parent or sibling who didn’t give you proper attention or parental guidance. Perhaps you chase this icecube to get the love you never got from (insert childhood icecube) Did another parent perhaps smotherlove you to try to compensate for the dud? Hello, hubby!
I saw a shrink who helped me pull up the deep rooted parental neglect issues and learn to reparent myself. I’m so happy
I did. Ice cubes are no longer catnip to me.
I’m on that journey myself Karen and it’s been the best thing I ever did for myself. My entire approach to men, dating and my messed-up family has shifted in a most positive way. Not an easy road to take, but one where I’m definitely reaping the rewards for my efforts. I haven’t felt this much inner peace in all my 33 years on this planet!
THERAPY SAVES LIVES 🙂
Can I sent him this with a “saw this and thought of you”, just so I get the last word ..????
I had the exact same thought! LOL!
Ha ha , I’m seriously thinking about it !! but you know what, Ithink he’d use it to his advantage and send it his wife to show how vulnerable he is and keep her hooked ! Aww bless his little cotton socks .
Do not do that.
Read my post way below and wise up, lady bug.
Nat this is wonderful!!!
I could not agree more. I shuddered when reading it. I have to take notice and do something. Now.
Nat it’s as is you are my fairy god mother and this post is meant just for me! Brilliant and the way you’ve written it just gave me a eureka moment! He’s such terrible, awful, rotten, bad news and I have to regain my power.
Amen. Just what I needed to read today.
Holllllyyyyy balls. This hit home so hard.
Wow! That hit home. Well said. Awesome article and I really needed it.
Thank you, Natalie. This was perfect timing for me as well. I am struggling right now with wanting the last word on a dying relationship. It’s not that I want to tell him off, I am just needing some kind of closure which I know I won’t get. I have a pattern of doing this where I can’t let a relationship end even when I know I want to be done.
I had been seeing this guy pretty steady for a few months and then about six weeks ago, things started to cool down. He stopped texting unless I texted first. We only get together every couple of weeks and don’t talk on the phone at all anymore. Last week I texted him expressing my concerns and asking if he was in or out. He replied that we’d talk soon and I said to let me know when. Well, that was middle of last week and I’ve been having trouble resisting the urge to text and ask when are we getting together to talk. I want to end the relationship, but I can’t leave well enough alone and let him go.
I was getting ready to text him when I saw this post. Thank you so much for saving me the embarrassment of chasing after this guy that I don’t want to be with.
Stephanie-
Been there … any sort of confrontation would end up with him saying “we talk soon :)..” he would disappear into the night and no texts until he felt it was safe to communicate again. Like I had forgotten ? Not so much. His voids in texts immediately red flagged me, and I realized that I shouldn’t have to work this hard. It wasn’t a good friendship/relationship because I was working 2 hard. It was lop sided. Keep looking, and I hope the guy you are talking about won’t try to keep u sucked in for his attention needs. I want to put a big red light bulb over mine so no one will make the mistake I did.
U got this !!!:)
Stephanie,
Don’t know if this helps, but I seriously suffered and struggled to let go of my EUM for a year and a half. I struggled with no contact, and always had to have the last word. I thought that having the last word was what I needed to feel closure… But it actually left me feeling worse, left me hanging and wondering why I wasn’t “good enough” for him to fight for, wondering if he was mad at me, wondering if he had ever cared, wondering if he was treating the next girl better, wondering if I would ever hear from him again, blah blah blah.
Well, I finally let HIM have the last word this April. I left HIM hanging and left HIM wondering if I was mad, if it was something HE said. Left him wondering if he would ever hear from me again (he won’t)… And you know what, that gave me all the closure that I needed. I finally felt like my badass, high value self, and like I gained back the power that I didn’t realize was mine, that I so naively kept giving away in the hopes that he would love me for pumping him up. (He was the type that thought I was “too good” for him, wondered how a woman like me could possibly be interested in him.. So I constantly tried to prove him wrong.. to show my humility and that I didn’t think I was “too good” for him, that I believed in him, etc)
With the help of BR, therapy, friends, and a whole lot of introspection, it finally clicked that the EUMs constant rejection of me was not really about me, and certainly was not because I wasn’t good enough. I realized that this person is just not capable of treating ANYONE with the care and respect that I require. And that even if I was imagining that he was giving the next girl what he could never give me, that was my fear talking, and most likely not the reality. The reality is that the only people that chronic EUMs can sustain relationshits with are people that don’t expect anything from them, people who don’t love themselves enough. I stopped feeling like it was something about me that made him that way, and accepted that this is just who he is. I feel sorry for him, because it is a sad and lonely existence having no truly connected, mutual relationships… But it’s also not my problem. I deserve better, and so do you.
Empower yourself by letting HIM have the last word. Reject HIM because you care about yourself enough to know that you deserve better. Don’t give him the satisfaction of thinking that the ball is still in his court! Letting him have the last word sends a clear message that you know that you are better than what he is offering. Leave HIM wondering if HE made a mistake. Be the one that got away instead of the one he thinks he can disrespect to pump himself up. EUMs will never respect us for the words we say, and will only feel the sting of regret after we walk away and stay away.
Wishing you the best!
OMG this was so powerful, reading this blog and these response have lifted my heart and thank you so much for your reply. Amazingly stated
A.E.C.,
Your story and responses are so supportive and helpful. Thank you.
You are so right, there is power in having the EUM have the last word. There is power in not taking the bait for their attention seeking behavior. I regained my dignity and self respect when I didn’t reach out to him after he posted something about me on Facebook or when he sent me a letter informing me his mother died and acknowledging me in her obituary. Gee, where were the accolades and appreciation when we were together?? It’s just so much manipulation and mind games on their part. It is truly exhausting. They are not worth the physical, mental, and spiritual pain.
They are not interested in our feelings or how painful the push-pull is, they are seeking their own “high” and to be in control. The EUMs are not capable of having healthy relationships and will live sad, lonely existences. While I think I would be the better person and feel sympathy for them, I just don’t. I pity them. They choose to live this way. Just like I choose to longer engage in the pain and misery of being involved with them.
We take back our power!
@CLR – I know the mental mind games very well. My EU MM AC kept me hooked and still tries to get an ego boost via text when he is bored. He has declared he has issues and is fully aware. Always has an excuse for all the faults that happened with us. These men will never ever be happy with us ladies who give it all and are the best thing for them. They don’t know what they want and will always be on the hunt. My breaking point came when his mental games started up when he needed something from me. Always about him, his needs, nothing for me. And if he really did care, he would be more present and showing his love. He’s a joke, and I feel bad for anyone who believes his bull. I’m done with him.
@Finn, have you considered blocking his number and going no contact? It is VERY difficult, I understand. But initiating no contact will ensure the mind games and manipulation will stop. This way, you can take back your power and put the focus on you and not him. Have you listened to Nat’s Podcasts?
The mind F-uckery during the relationship has been the most difficult to overcome. My self esteem hit an all time low and I am slowly making my way back to myself and finding my authentic self. You are worth it. You deserve love, care, trust, and respect. Be the person you seek 🙂
In response to your other question regarding professions of the ACs. My ex husband (COMPLETE narcissist, and I’m not overusing that term. Funny though, he’s not the AC who brought me here) works in corrections in the prison system. I believe his position makes him feel powerful and in control because he is in a position of authority over “less than” men. Underneath it all, he is an extremely insecure child who has absolutely no coping skills. The AC who brought me here (worse than the ex husband) is a provider of health care. He is very smart and feels his intelligence is superior to everyone. Perfect example, he would ask my opinion and then do the exact opposite of what I had said. I believe he chooses to work in rural settings to “show off” his sense of inflated ego of superiority over those who may be less educated with low income. Again, a very insecure child who uses others to puff himself up.
@CLR- oh yes I have deleted his number before and he has changed his number a few times over the years. I’ve never been able to block his number completely – after all of the hurt and mental F-uckery he has dished out. He’s a drug.
He’s not someone I want to marry or commit to, and it’s because I don’t trust him. For all of the years we have together, I also know a lot about him and his issues that he speaks of. They are all real, and I do feel bad for him but at the same time I know he could make the choice to get help. I’ll never fix this man nor do I want to. Each time I start to think about the good times we used to have, I remember the times he wasn’t there for me. He has let me down when other friends would normally be there. Did he have an excuse ? Absolutely and it was allll about him.
Right now I currently have some of his items and I’m thinking that instead of waiting for him to show up, they may just get donated.
Interesting how a lot of these men are in a police job or similar. (Military).
I’ve determined that I deserve much better and thanks to the ladies on here, and nats amazing words, I am working to break free. I know that if he does text me and want to grab his things it will be on his terms at a seconds notice. Andddd he doesn’t see what a jerk he is because it’s all about him. Time to move forward…
@Finn,
Have you thought about changing your number? Have you thought about mailing back his stuff to him? Have you considered you hang onto his stuff or not blocking him as a way to still engage in this relationship? I do understand letting go and being completely done is very scary. It was one of the scariest things I have ever done, to completely be done and focus on myself. I still have to mentally work at it. I have had to admit that when my thoughts return to the AC, the relationship, the heartache, it really is a distraction I use to avoid dealing with myself. The focus really does need to be on me, my actions, my decisions. As others have mentioned in their posts, therapy really does help. I did it for over a year.
I wish you all the best.
Hey CLR! This man isn’t worth the price of postage so I may just burn more of his things 🙂 I got a random text from a number I didn’t know late last night and I’m guessing he changed his number again. I could sort of tell it was him but hey maybe not . So when I got around to it I texted back saying “Hello good morning.” No response . I don’t really care and I’m sure when he feels he has time and wants to tell me that’s his new cell he will. Last nights text looked like a drunk text to me.
I think I still have a piece of my messed up brain hanging on to the hopes that he will POOF magically be the man I met so long ago and he will be more attentive, and present. I laugh because it’s not going to happen. I will lose friends and family if I ever rekindle things with this man. He’s not worth it at alllllll. So, if he wants to find me and talk to me, he knows where I am. I have a life to live and plenty of other guys who are winking at me.
This EU was just a special friend that connected with me, and I think the part that hurts is not knowing if he truly even cared that much or if it was all just for his own benefit. I may never know.
They will live sad lonely lives or else head for much younger women who will hero worship and not have the nous to kick them to the kerb when they start the games. These women will think they have got it all if an older and wealthier man shows interest or they pursue them for a lifestyle which is the same as prostitution. Long may they do that and in so doing take these clowns out from our dating pools. What goes around comes around for them when they get older. It is games that rule the lives of these @rseholes. I usually find that telling them to fcuk off gets through for sure.
I’ve had a friend tell me that her man started blowing hot and cold after 5 months. She gave him the opportunity to end things but he didn’t and kept getting her attention. I suggested she turned things round and finished with him while telling him what she wanted/needed from him as then he would either step up or not. Better to know that get sucked into things on their terms and end up with a load of hot air rather then a real relationship and all the bollocks that entails.
This.. this right here!! Brilliantly stated A.E.C. .. I couldn’t agree more, and have been struggling with all of this. I’m finding myself again, and realizing that I do not need the last word/final confrontation with the AC. He’s left me hanging and avoided texts sooooo many times. It’s beyond frustrating and hurtful. Time to flip the script and I’m going to be the one that got away from him. 🙂
To DragonInk, CLR, LondonGirl, and all that responded..
Yes!!!
I can relate with you all, and it really helps my own process writing things out and expressing myself here, and reading your comments as well. I’ve been following BR for years, but have been too shy to comment until recently. All the perspectives that I’ve read here over the years have helped me SO MUCH.
I really feel like our flipping it around with these EUMs doesn’t need to be mean or spiteful. The victory is in finally being real with them and us, and in acting with integrity.
I go through phases of feeling angry (and “fuck him”!) towards my ex-EUM, because it still hurts to think about how he treated me (and how I let myself be treated). But the fact is that we are all human beings, and if we have a lot of unprocessed pain, it usually means that we make a habit of hurting others, because that’s all we know. The ex-EUM didn’t treat me any worse than he treated himself. He treated himself the worst of all. And so I believe I did him a favor by rejecting his behavior.
When we flip it around and show these EUMs that we’re not playing ball anymore, and that WE are done with THEM, we are holding up a big old mirror for them to see themselves in. We are holding them accountable. We are finally seeing them for who they are instead of who we want them to be. We are finally respecting them AND ourselves by opting out. And they understand this on some level, even if they make a lot of fuss like we are horrible people. (like Natalie writes above)
Cutting contact was the most helpful and loving thing that I could have done for both me and the EUM. I finally started being real and treating him like a man, instead of like a wounded bird, which is demeaning and disrespectful. When we “Florence” and break our backs trying to “help” these people, that isn’t love. That’s our messed up way of trying to heal our own disowned pain. And it’s ultimately self-serving and a rejection of the other person. We did these guys no favors when we stuck around in a dysfunctional relationship with them. Having healthy boundaries and limits is so much more authentic and compassionate than letting ourselves be disrespected, or abused.
So if you feel guilty for walking away, or if you ever get to a point of questioning yourself… Know that there is nothing to be guilty about, and you are doing the one thing that can help you AND the EU person. If everyone held these EUMs accountable and saw them for who they are, warts and all, and compassionately stepped away when the consistent disrespect became apparent… These EUMs would be forced to confront their issues much earlier on.
My ex EUM had/has a whole harem pumping him up and excusing his behavior (because he’s oh-so tragic and tortured, and is a brilliant artist, and he creates these beautiful worlds that make you want to live in his head and know that person hiding in there). I am the ONLY one that I know of, in recent history (who was as close to him as you can be) who was 100% real with him in the end, and who walked away. And I do think it will have an impact. Because when he is hurting and alone, despite the fact that he is surrounded by people who pump him up, he will remember me as the person who actually saw him for who he was, and on some level know that rejecting his crappy behavior was my way of “accepting” him. Sounds like a contradiction, but it’s not. Deep down in his wounded, self-loathing little heart, he will respect me for valuing myself enough to not still be there.. Because deep down he wants that for himself.
These guys can’t truly respect any of those people fawning over them and pumping them up. They can’t respect themselves for accepting false attention from people who are completely out of touch with themselves and reality. Because they KNOW that they are living a lie.
I still struggle and hurt over the loss of the relationships and friendships that I’ve had to let go of the last few years. It’s not easy work, and it does feel like I’m “losing” in those moments when I am still grieving the losses and I am choosing to be alone, far away from anything familiar. Those wounds are still raw. But I also see the deeper truth, which is that I am acting with integrity and being someone who I can respect. And I am making way for the kinds of relationships that my soul really craves.
I follow a writer and archetypal astrologer named Chani Nicholas, and she writes: “Winning isn’t always about what we get. It’s about what we’ve learned we can overcome. Glory isn’t always glorious. Sometimes its quiet. Uneventful. Unseen by the world around us. Witnessed only by the goddesses that guide us.”
Love to all of you on here, who are doing this work to heal and move on from these painful relationships. <3
A.E.C you made my shoulders relax, and my blood pressure dropped a bit! I really have been struggling to express how this EU has made me feel for so many years, and you just nailed it! Everything you explained about feeling angry at times (I’m going through that now after texting him today when I shouldn’t have), and receiving a 2 word response back that was just pointless. It was him just digging his claws in knowing I excuse his shitty behavior and am always there. Not anymore. As you had mentioned, I knew this guy extremely well. I knew things about him that his GF did not know at the time. He’s always been completely honest about his issues and listed them. None of our other friends know a thing about these issues at all – mostly because I took on the “Florence” role and tried to protect him from anyone that tried to talk bad when he wasn’t feeling well, or not acting like himself. I felt it was my job to take care of him since his GF was never around and didn’t seem to care. She was always off doing her own thing and would get annoyed with his kind ways. Batter up! Her comes Florence to save the day! Well this guy just loved telling me all of the negative in his world because I ate it all up. I literally was a shoulder to cry on, and whenever he would get depressed or angry ignoring people including me, I would give him space. He would bounce back and thank me for always understanding. My dreams of him changing into a healthier man that would be perfect for me, very quickly crashed to the ground after he had surgery 3 years ago. Everything about his attitude changed. I can honestly say that the last time I saw him acting like himself, and relaxed around me was the night before when I wished him good luck. After that, he pushed me away and it’s been like that ever since. His flirting continues , but he has no time to see me. No more phone calls laughing about a show we had seen. Now I get texts future faking – “I’ll be around to visit in a few days” really? Yeah I don’t expect it to happen. At this point I know he realizes that he has issues and he isn’t a good guy. He’s told me he loves me before but I don’t even know if I trust that. I think everything that comes out of his mouth is targeted for whomever he can control when he wants them. I did get close to him and honestly I think he does care for me, but he literally cannot get close because he knows what kind of man he is. He will only cause more pain if he gets close to me. Currently I have not seen him for almost a month because of work and I am guessing that he will disappear and find another flavor of the month. He’s left me with a very untrusting heart for whomever comes along next. Those years were real to me, and I’ve wanted to tell him off a billion times but as we have all read on here – it won’t make a difference. He knows his faults, and he’s using us to keep making him feel okay about it. So, I’m letting go of him and walking away. If he shows up in my yard some day, sure I’ll talk to him but I would bet my diamond earrings that he doesn’t have the balls to do it. I’ll be over in the ice cream aisle self medicating and rebuilding my heart. I’m alive and he can’t ever hurt me or break my self esteem again.
DragonInk –
I know how hard it can be getting over what you describe. You are on the right track with realizing that his “rejection” isn’t really a rejection of you, and that he isn’t truly capable of being close with ANYONE, even if he has a flavor of the month… That is superficial. I know its really hard to digest, but the more that you can really digest that it is not a rejection of you, the more you will see that you are not losing anything real here, except the dream of what you imagined could be with this guy. And yes, that can feel like a lot to lose, and a hard fall back into reality. It is a process to grieve the loss of what you imagined could be, the “perfect” man you thought he was. But the truth is that he is not that man, or at least he is not able to be him. Realize that you are not wrong about him, the pain you feel being in relationship with him is REAL.
I promise it will get easier with time, especially after you shut and lock that door. When I was “NC” but kept the relationship going in my mind, still had him as “friends” on Facebook, and wondered if I’d hear from him…. The pain just got worse. I had to completely eliminate all those ties to him, block him on FB and really commit to myself and moving on before it started to get easier.
I believe in you, and remember that you are not alone. You are doing the right thing moving on, and finding support here. Hugs.
A.E.C- you are soooo sweet. I wish I could meet you at a coffee shop and just have a “session” with you haha everything you said is on point. He’s incapable of getting close and with his issues he ends up being super selfish. I’ve begun to realiZe how much that has upset me and noticed that when I recall times that were good, they are minimal.
I’m working very hard to not think about him each day, and not long to hear his text tone that he has had for so many years. It’s all about reprogramming my thinking. As soon as I start to walk away and feel confident he easily sneaks back into my life. Flirty texts , claiming he will take me to dinner but cancels … it’s all very mentally draining and I’m over it. I wish I could scrub my brain and be done.
Going NC is so hard – part of me doesn’t want to hear from him, and wishes him luck. The other part craves to hear something from him. That attention and him making me feel like I’m pretty and worth something. Does he truly care for me? He says he does but his world is not cut and dry. Nothing’s ever simple with him. Your words are truly helpful and I read them over and over on bad days. Thank you sooooo much :)))
Oh and you mentioned blocking him on FB. I left all social media linked to him almost 2 years ago. I didn’t want to see his name, see his posts … I don’t regret it at all.
Since the conversations have discussed the notion of closure and having the final say, I would like to share a conversation I recently had with an amazing friend who has seen me through this ordeal. She asked, “Do you think you will ever talk with him again?” I responded, “Abosolutely not!!!” She replied, “Really??? I wish you would get closure from him.” I responded, “He did not treat me with respect and was completely dishonest with me during the relationship. He certainly is not going to combust into a healthy person and treat with respect and be honest now that we are not together. I would only hurt myself to engage in a conversation with him.” I sometimes wonder if this conception of closure is to continue engaging in these relationships; closure is used as a justification. I believe closure can happen when both parties are coming from a healthy place and BOTH parties can take responsibility. This is not the case when dealing with EU individuals. I do feel my silence to him and ignoring him are my power. In his twisted way, he respects me more to not acknowledge him. Just as your wrote, A.E.C. I am one of the only ex’s who does not continue a “friendship” with him. But the thing is, he is not capable of any sort of relationship. All of his engagements are superficial.
Over the last month and a half, Ive been digging deeper to uncover the reasons I’ve felt “stuck.” While I do not maintain any sort of relationship with him, I’ve continued to engage with him in my thoughts. It’s these sort of revenge thoughts I’ve had, like, “I hope it gets back to him that I’ve gone on to have a wonderful life.” I should be having a wonderful life because that’s what I want, not because I want it to get back to him. So am I doing things/making decisions because that’s what I want or because I hope he finds out?? For example, I started skiing because he liked to ski. So do I continue to ski because I want to or do I continue to ski to keep this “connection” with him. We talked of all this traveling we would do or all the live music we would see. Do I travel to these places or see these live shows because I want to or to show him I can do these things without him? It’s this bizarre way of still feeling “connected” to him without actually engaging with him. It’s been a tough reality to uncover.
Now I start my journey of finding my authentic self who chooses to do things and make decisions because it’s what I want.
Thank you for letting me share this revelation.
CLR-
Those are wise revelations indeed! And I think it is part of the natural grieving process to do the things that you planned on doing together, or even things that he exposed you to.
I experienced something very similar… My ex-EUM had many interests that were OLD interests of mine, that I had forgotten overtime, or things I thought I had to outgrow. And for over a year I questioned whether continuing to do these activities was to maintain some kind of connection to him, or if it was just for me.
At this point, I’m more centered in myself, and I think it was both. There are things he turned me on to that I truly value, and that I will never forget. People DO have an impact on us. When we let go of these relationships and grieve, we are not amputating ourselves, or every imprint that the relationship left on us. People change us, for better and for worse, and people expose us to new things, stimulate new interests, etc. I personally value the things that I rediscovered through the EUM, and as time moves on, it becomes less about maintaining a connection to him, and more realizing the part of me really likes some of these activities and aesthetics.
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.. Remember to be gentle with yourself and give yourself credit for how far you’ve come.. It’s definitely a process letting these relationships go <3
Thank you, A.E.C. I’m so glad you decided to start posting. Have you ever considered being a counselor or therapist? Maybe like grief work? Your words are so supportive and you offer such encouragement.
I completely agree that relationships impact us and we can choose what to hold onto and what to let go of. I am grateful for him turning the light on in me to be adventurous. I think I had in me all along, I just needed a conduit to find it. I will continue to dig deeper and heal the wounds.
I do try to remember to compassionate with myself and acknowledge how far I’ve come. I think that peice is hard for all of us here, to truly validate ourselves.
Thank you again 🙂
CLR-
“I am grateful for him turning the light on in me to be adventurous. I think I had in me all along, I just needed a conduit to find it.”
Yes!! That’s so big. These guys push us to learn to love ourselves more, and to OWN parts of ourselves that we didn’t know existed before, or that we had forgotten. That’s huge! And it’s no longer about him, that’s YOUR gift to take for your own life moving forward.
It’s funny that you mention counseling and therapy… I work with people who are recovering from physical, emotional, spiritual traumas… Helping them process old pain and unprocessed emotions that have gotten pushed down and “stuck” in the body. I am more as an “inner relationship guide” and intuitive healer than a psychotherapist, but there is definitely some overlap. I don’t perform miracles and “heal people”, but I do facilitate deep inner work and peoples innate ability to heal themselves.
My own self work has been endless, and a life path unto itself. All the traumas and painful relationships in my life have been like teachers, and have made it possible for me to really understand what other people are going through on a deep level. Not that I would ever wish those painful experiences on myself, or anyone else. I would really love to experience a secure, committed, loving partnership someday. It’s sad I never had that modeled for me. I think that’s why I’m 31 and still trying to figure it out despite all the years of inner work.
Anyways, thank you so much for seeing me. Connecting with you and the others on here has been so healing for helping to move through the old relationship pain. Wishing you the very best <3
Ha .. yes I had forgotten my sudden love of football that I acquired when I met my EU. I canceled the football channel and sports networks last month. 🙂 my love of craft beers has also stopped, and this has been a win win since I have lost a lot of weight. Yeah– I understand picking up hobbies or likes that they enjoy. I noticed a woman he worked with suddenly purchased a bright red vehicle. His favorite color is red. I’m soooo not stupid. Wow I’m learning so much from both of you! :))
Thank you! This post has been a wake up call! I have been feeling so low, so depressed. All the same thoughts and feelings of ” what’s wrong with me, why wasn’t I ever good enough” have been going round and round In my head. Its absolutely the medicine I have needed to snap out of this insane cycle I have put myself in. My EUM text me today and my heart jumped for joy, like a dog being patted on the head..yuk! Who have I become? I love that we have this site, I will finally sleep well tonight!
Muah!
Thank you!
I have read your post a few times over. This has really helped me put things in perspective, it really helps my brain shift into the right place. You are amazing!
“Hey, we’re both okay with seeing other people; right? Thank you, good to know. You take care now.”
What you should write. Then block from texts, emails, anything other than personal (meaning: eye to eye or telephone) contact.
Sounds like you’re dating the same man that I am. To make matters worse, we work together, in the same department but not the same area. I’ve cooled off on him and he just emailed me about nothing…Ha!
Sounds like we’re dating the same guy, but it’s been just shy of two years for us. To make matters worse, we work in the same department, but not the same area. I recently backed away and he just sent me an email about nothing at all, and definitely not work related. He covertly hovers me and triangulated me constantly. I’m tired….
I was almost in tears reading this because of how ACCURATE this was. I’m in therapy learning all of these things about my ex AC, EU.
It is extremely difficult to let go of a man like this. He is that dream guy who is up on a pedistal, and all of your hopes and dreams regarding him get crushed. Crushed slowly over the years when he doesn’t live up to what you thought he could be. I’ve lived this, and I felt I was finally free of him when he moved. His random texts now are to make sure I will still be in his back pocket for when he wants that ego boosted. Telling me he will visit when he talks that long drive south — empty promises.
I have learned to never believe him now, and just live my life. He keeps trying to hang on and I am working very hard to push him out. Natalie’s interpretation was 100% exactlly what is going on, and I allowed myself to go through this for wayyyyy 2 long. I felt I was his special girl who only understood him. The excuses of why we couldn’t be together, or his issues that he only shares with me…. I’ve heard it all and am tired. Literally tired of the assuming, guessing, crying, and finally getting very sick. My health is more important than this man who will keep doing this just to make himself feel like a one of kind smooth talker amazing man. No.no. He is a horrible, disrespectful , emotionally abusive, lousy man.
Therapy is helping and I’m still working very hard to deal with the separation from him, but this blog has helped me soooo much. Thank you all….
Cheers!
OMG.. DragonInk , we share the same story. When we can finally step back and look at this situation for what it truly is, we can see they are just horrible losers and users. They do not deserve kind , loving people like us.
Take care..
Hey Londongirl- I’m sorry you have been through ALOt of what I have. I’m learning to really see this man for who he is. He is very selfish and everything is taylored to him. If it benefits him he will text me and actually show up. If it benefits him to text me and get a quick ego boost, he will text me. I’m done with having my heart used and abused by such a selfish narcissist. He will randomly pop up and I’m learning that he’s just not worth it, and my health has to be put first.
We kept our shady relationship a secret from everyone around us and still, even though he has moved on, no one knows how close we were. I think for both of us it was the thrill of the chase and believe me it’s not worth it . What do you end up with? Nothing. He never intended on giving me anything after all of those years. If I had known that I never would have stuck around waiting and hoping.
LondonGirl it will be very tough but spend more time with friends and family. Remove his number from your cell and know that he is not worth it. He just isn’t that special !! Cheers!
From your mouth to God’s ears….. This could not have been more timely or perfect. Yes, it was my fault we broke up as I needed to be “less energetic” or so he said. Then he came round for six months to get his ego boosted and free therapy sessions about his own personal problems. When it got to the point of me asking, “where is this going? Can’t you see how hard I’ve worked on lowering my energy and being less intense.” His response was, “there’s just something about you that makes me feel like shutting down.” His insecurity keeps him away and at the same time, he needs my validation to feel powerful during his downspells – when he is not getting attention from other women/between dates. This article has literally kept me from reaching out to him today! Thank you.
Natalie this was my life and he could have very well wrote every single word. Thank you for this. You have no idea how much it meant to see it in writing, that confirmation that he knew what he put me through. I know he would never admit it himself. This was close enough, your words helped to heal my shattered soul.
Been doing this For 5 yrs…… the last 2.5 out of the relationship! Thank you for this, just what I needed to read today as his needs once again came before mine…..
Omg this is me… 8 years in a nonrelationship with him. I try to move on, ignore text or calls, date… but he’s the underlining one I want…he recently showed up after 8 months of our just texting.. I slept with him and after a couple days of short texts now silence… again. Your words are right on.
My past 8 years have been the exact same as you. I never realized other guys were like this. This blog is such a wake up call- we all deserve better!!
So on point..
I needed this.
Thank you
Well done this is perfect !
This is BY FAR the best, most in-your-face, no nonsense article I’ve EVER read regarding relationships! Brilliant! To write it from any other perspective other than from the controller’s perspective would not have been nearly as powerful. It would have been just another “recognize the signs” article. If I had access from a writing such as this when I was much younger and started to date, I would have avoided a lot of wasted time and heartache. Wow! Thank you!
So timely. Since being (seriously) NC for three weeks I look back and see things SO CLEARLY and feel so angry at myself for continuing to give my time and care to a guy who was not nice to me, never mind romantically, he often didn’t have any manners or act politely. I knew a long time ago I needed to be rid of him and it took me six months after that to really do it. After a few weeks NC he got in touch and I replied (yeah I know but it was not to open the door again) and he said goodbye then added something along the lines of ”i’m always there if you need anything/help in future.” Trying to go out like a nice guy, ”I meant no harm” after causing nothing BUT harm intentionally over and over again. Can a person just be absolved of all their bad actions, of using someone as an ego stroke and armchair therapist and just say ”I meant no harm” and think it’s all well and good?! Amazed by these men. And yet – feeling like this is the true end of it all, as derailed as this entanglement got me, I feel sad, actually, I feel like crying. Why is it so hard to eject these guys? It’s literally like weaning yourself off a drug, knowing something is poison and means you no good but feeling sad that it has to go. Relationship crack! But I went right back to NC and I will move on and I guess after the next few weeks I wont feel as sad as I do now. This blog and Nat keeps me strong and all the comments from the lovely women who are sadly in similar situations, it hurts to stop a pattern it feels SO HARD, I feel a bit out of control when I act opposite to my usual bullshit, but I know it’s making me better so I power through but I have to talk to myself all the time to keep at it and not fall into the old comfy and toxic ways of old. We are all going to find healthy, happy, genuine loving relationships, I believe it. Goodluck to us!!! 🙂
I’m just curious. We all relate to this, we all have the same stories. Some men who are in certain professions act certain ways. My AC who I swear Natalie looked into his cold eyes and wrote this about, is in the military (MP section). What about you other ladies? Sometimes I wonder if they have controling jobs, it spills over into relationships (or lack of).
This article is scarily accurate in places and describes my first ex who was an abusive control freak Narc. Wish I had access to this back then when we were in a relationship.
He would swoon saying “when are you going to wake up next to me ?” to “when are you moving in…?” then to turn cold when I had. Did the yo-yoing bit for a short while, til he married someone pretty fast. He needed his fallback gal and I refused to play. He kept writing and phoning me but I was NC at that point. I took his power away. No more critical comments and having appraisals every blinking week.
Finn mentions controlling jobs, he is an authority figure, climbed to the top and has power over vulnerable young people. I shuddered at the thought ‘cos it’s how we met.
Police Officer. For many years in a extremely large city – his life was stressful and it showed in how he interacted with me. He could control different aspects of whatever the hell we “had”.
Natalie, that was brilliant!
Hey!
I am that guy. Most of what you wrote rang true. I can’t let her go. She is like a drug to me, too. After breaking up with her, I felt really depressed. One little phone call got me high again. Gave meaning to my life. We did almost everything together constantly for 4.5 years. Conquered mountains (literally), finished Master’s degrees (couldn’t have done it without her, we both worked hard together), visited over a hundred cities in the world… But at the same time, we had big fights and resentment was growing day by day. I ended it. Then got back together for a few days that were full of traveling abroad. Then I ended it again. Without her, I feel worthless. With her, I feel miserable. A roller coaster that needs to end.
Then end it and stop investing time and energy torturing her and instead find ways to truly love yourself so you no longer feel worthless, otherwise, your behavior will continue. Make yourself healthier so whom you meet in the future will be a healthier fit for you.
You are clearly an avoidant type. My ex was too. Do you guys ever feel remorse or regret for your hurtful and confusing actions? My ex consistently undermined the relationship by blowing hot and cold, being very vague about his intentions and feelings, spending lots of time with female “friends” when things were getting too close with me, etc.. But would never take responsibility or admit what he was doing to create distance. He would be all over me for weeks, and then all of a sudden tell me that I’m “too unpredictable”, “too passionate and tempermental”, saying that he’s “confused” and doesn’t know what he wants, that I “deserve better”, that I “expect too much” (for expecting just basic respect, honesty, consistency), that I’m “too good for him”, “you don’t want a guy like me, I can’t give you what you deserve”, blah blah blah. And then the next day, all over me again, initiating contact on a daily basis, confiding in me, working hard to get me wanting him again, obviously a strong attraction. It’s so confusing. Why do you act like you want to be with her if you really don’t? Why do you go back and forth? With my ex if felt like he would just panic every time things got too intimate and sabotage the relationship. He never thought he could have a girl like me in the beginning, but once I got to know him and opened my heart he completely bait and switched me, and kept me on a string for over a year.
Do you guys have any idea how unfair you’re being??
I don’t talk to my ex anymore. He knows that I care about him, but I stopped responding to his messages. Because I do deserve better. But it still hurts, and I wonder if he gets or cares how much he hurt me. Did he ever care? Did I open my heart just to be a game to him? Not that it matters, but yes, I am curious what goes on in his head.
Natalie, this site is amazing and this blog…smh..undoubtedly a game/mind changer. I have been heartbroken for the last six months… He came in and swept me off my feet…providing everything I wanted and needed.. comfort, love, great sex, the know how and the capability to help reduce my stress… He introduced me to his kids, family even flew me to Caifornia to meet his grandma a couple months ago.. His family loves me, this is his first time courting a women around his family… He’s taken my kids and I on trips, we had keys to each others house… spent a lot of quality time with each other… but a year and a half into it… I start seeing signs…of texting other women, finding panties at his house… keeping is phone in his hand at all times… The panties was the last straw for me which was 6mos ago… so I thought… we’ve had sex twice since then, he flew me acrossed the coast and when we came back… it was back to the same ole same ole.. trying to keep me on ice by saying lets just be friends… true enough I said the same thing but I shortly came to realize that was impossible… so I told him I do not want to be his friend, I needed to detach and not to call me and that is what I am doing…detaching by using the No Contact… Its been 3wks and we have not spoken… I have to admit the rejection is eating me slowly… I am a beautiful educated yet successful woman he has made a great life for myself… I know that its not me its a him-problem but the need to feel wanted not rejected is killing my soul and self esteem… finding this blog and reading these response is giving me life again… I am feeling stronger.
Thank you for this Natalie. I never thought in my 40’s I would be going through something like this. That post could be the exact creepy thoughts I assume go through my exes head. I’ve been going through this for close to two years and that post is a huge huge help. He has managed to pull me back in once again and is now ignoring me. Again. So I’m back to no contact stronger than I was the last time and plan on reading this several times a day to remind myself of the reality I am dealing with. No more lying to myself and making excuses for him.
And to all of the women who share your thoughts and stories, thank you.
It’s been a long 9 years of this kind of relationship. And yes, he’s completely past his sell by date. I can’t believe how much this letter was exactly what I’ve been dealing with & putting myself through for so long. so many of the things written are like it was based off my life. Tonight is a breaking point. I deleted his Instagram & blocked his number so I can stop hearing from him. I want to cuss so much right now because yet again I let it continue. I even instigated it this time. grrr.
Good for you “S”. It takes ALOt to block numbers etc. I left FB and Twitter to avoid my EU AC. Deleted his number multiple times but always know it’s him texting by what he says. I give in, reply, pump up that ego and off he goes. He ignores my texts until he wants something again. No more. I’m going to work on ignoring him.
Help , help help…. I Keep re-reading this as I’m having a hard time not contacting him today to ask WHY ? We both knew our relationship was dysfunctional , we couldnt offer each other anything in the future, both , married , and to be fair I wouldn’t want to marry him, really why would you ! he was not making any effort to meet , I was getting annoyed so he makes a date then broadsides me to say this has to end. He feels bad when he goes home after leaving me! Fine, I’m off, but he wants me to stay to talk, I end up crying and saying I don’t want it to end and being pathetic. We end up having sex , then off we go. I left it with , no contact then. This happens for two weeks then he’s posting in a group about he’s been ill , I know it was to get my attention and a reaction. I lasted a couple of days then got mad and decided I was going to tell him all about himself so a simple text to ask if he was at work prior to my venting. I get an Immediate reply, was at home but had the day free next day , we could catch up. ! WTF ! So I think, right, I’ll catch up, slap your face and give it you both barrels ! Obviously didn’t happen like that and ended up with the, what are we going to do talk, again , and sex, again. No decision made and he’s back to texting and sending me pictures of what he’s up to and I’m doing the same. He suggests a mate date a couple of days later! I say ok, but when he confirms the day I don’t like the “confirm the mate date tomorrow , msg so cancel on the morning. Another one is arranged by him and a lovely morning is had at the seaside and at the end the “where do we stand ” question from him ! Excuse me, you keep going on about it has to end, stop making asking to meet, it’s simple!!! More messages and 2 days later he suggested catching up again, he’s in my area. Coffee is had and catch up and then the freaking talk again !!!! Can’t we be friends, NO ! A few frank words to tell him that’s he wants this to make him feel like less of a bastard and that its using me , to which he agrees is probably I’m probably right right. I say there’s nothing left to say and go to leave and I get a “is that it.” And wants to talk about the good times. He then asks what are the rules, who’s going to block who and as I’m understandably a tad upset and mad, he says, I never promised you anything. 4 & 1/2 years !!! I’m off at this point and try to be mature and a quick hug and kiss and his parting shout, see ya ! Mine No you wont. I closed down the group immediately so he can’t get my attention, which he agreed is what he did last time, can’t live with can’t live without he says. I block and delete. …but …..as we women do when we can’t let go, I un blocked him to see if he blocked me, he hasn’t, I have left it unblocked with the excuse to myself to see if he contacts me so I can I ignore him ! ..who am I kidding…. Which takes me to today, 1 week later and desperately trying not to contact him to ask WHY, ??? To all you lovely ladies out there, please could you tell me the answers so I don’t lose this game with him and lose myself in the process …. WHY ?
Why what? Why you’re doing this? You relish drama. You crave secrecy and pulling a fast one on your friends and family and spouse. You think rules are for stupid people. And you’re hoping that if you’re self destructive enough and public enough it will get back to your spouse. And your spouse will enact the ‘punishment’ – you’ve been avoiding taking responsibility for your actions and are hoping your loving spouse will find out and add more drama to this. He will say some strong mean things to you. Then you can feel very aggrieved and really like the universe is against you. For some reason you seek that out. I don’t know what game you’d like to win. It’s not one any healthy person would play. This post doesn’t even mention the spouse. You are either hoping for more internet commenters to take you to task or to compound the drama with some girlfriend commiseration to justify the choices you’ve made. Good luck.
Suki , I honestly appriciate you taking the time to read and analyse what I am trying to seek the WHY, the why is, why am I doing what I am doing, why am I not accepting responsibility for my actions, why am I on a path of self destruction, why am I being so selfish and arrogant, why do I think I’m exempt from normal acceptable behaviours and consequences, You make some very observant points. I do not want any of this to ever get back to my spouse, he deserves better always has always will, he has done nothing wrong. I Would deserve whatever punishment came my way and it would all be justified. I don’t think the world is against me , I know it’s me that’s against me, but I don’t know why. I don’t want the drama, but obviously am engaging in it and encouraging it, so why? I want to understand why I’m involved in this and I truly want to stop , I don’t want to hurt anyone and convince myself that I won’t because I internalise it all. It is not what a healthy person would do and I should not even have used the word game, it’s so disrespectful. I don’t know why I’m reaching out,I do know I want it to stop. I KNOW it’s all wrong and selfish, it’s certainly not for anyone to feel sorry for me or justification. More likely as you suggest, for others to take me to task and and finally do something positive to stop this. I’m not liking myself or my actions and back to the original question , WHY am I doing any of this and reaching out for an answer when I know the answer is accept responsibly, take positive action to stop and put all my energy so into being a better person. Thank you again for taking the time to give something back to helping others. It really is not about him, it’s the selfish EU that I feel I’ve turned into that I am ashamed of the most, I need to acknowledge I am not healthy at this time and stop looking for answers elsewhere but to stand up and accept responsible for me. No escuses.
Why does why matter? Why analyze him and you and the tedious conversations you have? Why are you thinking thinking obsessively arguing fighting yourself talking thinking having sex with a lousy man etc.
Why does why matter? If you know it’s wrong then stop it. You’re making choices so you should know why. Stop picking up the phone. Stop seeing him. Stop having sex. Do yoga obsessively. Watch Netflix obsessively till you’re over it. Find a challenging project. Remodel your house. Volunteer. Forgive yourself and move on. Or just move on. Draw a line and get on with life.
Your above post is more honest and reflective. I’m not sure one can get over four years of infidelity (also with a fairly lousy kind of guy like hello standards) without holding oneself to account and making some drastic changes. Because how do you live an authentic life now knowing that you have this ultimate power imbalance in your marriage. While your husband was wondering whether or not he should clean your shared garage or fridge you’re wondering for four years when you get to go have sex with someone else. I don’t see how you can go back to your marriage and feel free of guilt and fear about him finding out. There are consequences to what had happened. And you’re not ready to face them. Me and the other ladies have given you lots of why answers – he’s a narc, you’re a narc, you have low self esteem, you are evading responsibility, you like drama. You don’t like these answers. You want some other answer that will make this go away. And give you a magical life where your actions have no consequences. Those answers don’t exist. The only answer to why is that you chose for four years to make a series of bad decisions. Which is fine. We all do stupid things in life. And then we have to take the consequences of those choices. If you don’t want to blame yourself or judge yourself or feel shame fine. No judgement or moralizing needed. But you have to take responsibility and there are consequences to actions. I think you are hoping that by obsessively thinking you can enter magic land where — where what? You hadn’t cheated? You wouldn’t feel shame? You wouldn’t have to deny yourself? You could go back to being with your spouse without resenting him for being able to live a more authentic life? But magic land doesn’t exist so here we are.
I’ll put it to you differently. There is a lot of pain in life. And sometimes we bring some of that pain on Ourselves. By lying to ourselves and trying to portray ourselves in a way that pulls the wool over our own eye and others eyes, we try to delay consequences and pain. But they are there. Consequences hurt. Pull up your pants and start reading some self help. Get some perspective. Find new ways to see yourself and the people around you. It will take work to turn your life around. There are no easy answers. When you’re ready to do the work to live an authentic life where you hold yourself accountable for your actions, you won’t have to ask why.
A lot of food for thought Suki , again I appriciate your In -put and time to respond. You have clearly explained I don’t need to answer the WHY and I get it ! That question is now pointless. You mention obsessivily a few times, I think you have got that I have got obsessive about all of it and that is another issue I have to address. And your right, a person cannot get over 4 years of lies and deceit without holding themselves to account. I have no illusions about this, I will never feel free of guilt and fear that my husband will not find out, and rightly so, that is a consequence and I accept that. As to him being a narc, me being a narc having low self esteem and the other selfish traites, I accept them , and your right I do want them to go away, I do judge myself , harshly and I do blame myself . You have hit the nail on the head, I want to enter in magic land where I hadn’t cheated , and I don’t have to deal with all this shame . Who wouldn’t ? I think my id clearly shows, I wish it would go away (Magic land ? ) No more burying my head, time to stand up and be counted. I will just say thought I could not or ever would resent my spouse , he is innocent and without blame. The hurt and pain is mine alone and I own that. No more WHYS , actions and accountable are also mine to own. I don’t know what brought you to here but I hope you are in a good place and I will be eternally grateful for your words and honesty. Big hugs x
I think your reply is really honest and self reflective. It’s a huge step from your first post. I hope you can have the patience and kindness to yourself to work through this. It is work. It’s hard work. But you know it has to be done. And you’re not the first one to have made a mistake in this world and wanted to change things. There is advice out there about living better and you should seek it out obsessively.
Dear Suki,
I agree 200% on your thoughts about “wish i’d never met him”‘s behaviour. But in all humility, I think she’s just making you participate her drama. Playing the “mea culpa” to lessen the gravity of her actions. Saying her husband deserves better but actually if she truly believed that and respected him, she would set him free. Instead she keeps on complaining about how her affair makes her suffer, putting all the attention on her lover. Even her nickname puts the blame on him (referring to avoidance of responsabilizó). Her “honest reply” is just that, a reply. Just words. The woman has a serious problem of addiction. As JK Rowling said: “We’ve all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are”. Clearly she has already made her choice. If you really think she’s a narc (i believe it too), why play her game? I really like your way of thinking, one can see you’re a truly honest and sensitive lady with the best values. Your intelligence and empathy certainly can help the ones REALLY wanting to be helped.
Wishing –
I’ve never been in your position, so I don’t know “why”. But I do know that the kind of behavior that you are engaging in comes out of a deep self-loathing, a lack of respect for self and others, an inability to fully empathize, and probably really deep inner wounding.
On the one hand, yes, you do need to take accountability for your actions. Not because you “should”, but because taking accountability (while also staying compassionate to self and others) is the first step in building the integrity and self-respect that you have lost sight of over the years. And it sounds like that is ultimately what you are wanting, correct? Think about the qualities that you value and admire, feel into the person who you really want to be – and then realize that the only gap between where you are now, and where you want to be is how you choose to ACT. Taking responsibility involves being accountable for your past actions, while also being accountable for your actions moving forward. You are not doomed to keep repeating these behaviors if you don’t want to.
It sounds like you’ve been engaging in a form of self-sabotage and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. “I feel like crap about myself, so I am going to act like a lying, cheating person that I can’t respect, because at least I’ll be right about me”. If you’re really serious about growing from this, it’s time to turn it around and start acting like a person that you can respect.
Can you really respect yourself for continuing to lie to your husband (who you claim has done nothing wrong)? Doesn’t he deserve the truth, even if it hurts, so that he can decide for himself whether he wants to leave or not?
It sounds like you are dealing with some really deep inner wounding, and I wonder if a professional could help you work through the mess that you’re feeling. I’d recommend personal therapy, and if your husband is willing to stay and work on this with you, I’d recommend relationship counseling. A professional can help you to work through your own issues, and help you identify were this self-sabotaging behavior is coming from. It would also be helpful to identify what deep needs you have that are not being met. And lastly, realize that if you do stay with your husband, that it is your responsibility to do everything you can to care for him and repair the damage that you’ve done. Yes, we are all responsible for ourselves, but in a partnership we are also responsible for treating our partners with care and respect. You are responsible for hurting and betraying your husband. If you don’t feel able to take responsibility and act on it, than I suggest you take some time to be single until you can.
And yes, your behavior has been selfish and lacking in care, integrity, respect, trust, etc…. But realize that shaming and blaming yourself isn’t going to help you. Taking responsibility for changing your behavior and relationship to you and others, yes. But going further down the self-hatred rabbit hole is only going to make things worse. Instead, cut off this EUMM and start acting like a person you can respect. Take accountability for your actions, give your husband the opportunity to opt out, and start being the person you want to be, a person you can trust and respect. And then slowly your ability to understand and forgive yourself will follow.
Stop focusing on the EUMM… That is a distraction from the deeper issue. Focus on tending to your self, your marriage, and the wounds that led you to this painful place. It’s counter intuitive, but you can be real and take responsibility and practice self-compassion at the same time.
I am humbled by your care and deep thought to my issues, it has brought me to tears, it was needed and I receive your comments with the good intent they been given. I didn’t know what I hoped to achieve when I posted this but I got the clarity I needed. Time to get in the real world and get back to the person I was and now aspire to be better. There is more to me than this deceitful chapter in my life.
You would do well to work these issues out with a counsellor or therapist. Try taking some of the money your husband earns and spend it on that, instead of new clothes for your dates that aren’t with him.
Here is the best way I can think of to put it. You do not need this guy to partner up with you to find blissful closure. This is a job for you alone. Think of him as a shovel who appeared in your life to assist you in digging up whatever keeps you so fascinated with lovers who are unsuitable except for the rush when more crumbs drop out of his chintzy dispenser. He has no real crumbs he is a shovel. Use the shovel to dig into your personal issues that make you think a shovel might someday make a good life partner.
This is not a case of being fair to him–he’s a shovel, shovels don’t care how you treat them emotonally because they have no emotions–they’re shovels.
He was brought to you from the Universe to help you dig out your own issues that will set you free once you find them.
Once you dig until you get to the bottom of things, the shovel has served its purpose. Throw it in the lake, walk away and don’t send it any sticky sweet farewell letters; it’s a fecking shovel, it doesn’t care.
🙂
I LOVE this analogy and totally agree! 🙂
Took a screenshot to keep on my phone for always
Wished,
The need to know “why” is what is keeping you stuck. I’ve been there. When he texts you, you need to know why. What does he want? What is he thinking? How does he feel? And, when he doesn’t text, you also need to know why. This relationship has become an obsession where you can’t stop over-analyzing him, yourself, your motives, his motives, why you’re together, why you’re not together.
Having a secret relationship only makes it worse. The only outlet you have for these questions and obsessive feelings is HIM. And you can’t talk to him because the relationship is so dysfunctional as secret relationships usually are. All the anger, hurt, shame, guilt, frustration, anxiety, insecurity, fear, loneliness–and no one to share it with. Get a therapist, start a journal, tell a friend. Do something to unburden yourself of this secret.
I’m not going to give you any marriage advice other than that you should start reading about what makes a healthy marriage work instead of focusing so much on your affair. You can decide later whether to tell your husband, but you can start thinking about and working on your marriage right now.
Your affair has been going on for years. Don’t expect everything to be resolved quickly or easily. Give yourself some time and space to let go.
If by sharing my experience on here is of any help to the vulnerable women at the start of a toxic dysfunctional relationships then I will take some solace from this. I was not the women I am now, the self loathing and other negatives I am guily of are all a result of crossing the line in the first place, then not putting a stop to it and walking away at the obvious enough red flags, it’s been all downhill from there. Please recognise this early, read this post and the replys and do not make the same mistake. Please.
I was so annoyed with myself last week for even responding when an ex messaged me last week asking for some reason how my dog was. We were both really into our dogs. I did not have a lengthy conversation I just said everything was great and hoped he was well.Everything is not necessarily great but he does not need to know that. I wondered if he had a fight with his GF and was looking for validation, or bored and looking for validation. I should have ignored him, lesson learned.
OMG. Your posted this topic on the day of my ex’s birthday. Ironically, after I told him he was dead to me 7 months ago, he is still trying to get a response from me. He texted me on his birthday saying “am I still blocked? I thought you would at least wish me happy bday”. It took a long time to not let him back (2 years of back and force no contact) but after finding out he was sleeping with a girl for 3 years while being with me and infecting me with a (“mild”) STD, I would be crazy to let this jerk back into my life. Do I need to contract something more serious to wake up? I will hold true and my last words to him will be “you are dead to me” and that will hold true.
And I swear the cosmic energy is testing me for another guy came back into my life (more friends with benefits) but I have to cut him too. Just last week he says he wants to commit to me but after rejecting sex, he moves to the couch and leaves me with a cold shoulder. I need to close that chapter with him too. He just wants ego stroking and I’m probably just his flavor of the week. He is not worth my time, I deserve better. We all do!!
Best of luck to everyone. xoxo
Does anyone else feel like there’s no victory in walking away or going No contact?
At this point I’m really good at no contact? I’ve had to walk away from several people and I haven’t spoken to them in years. Recently I just had to end (another) friendship. I just can’t help but feel like it doesn’t mean anything anyway.
I don’t know what’s worse: wondering what does it say about me that I had so many uncaring people in my life or the fact that they happily went away no questions asked.
I don’t want the push and pull relationships but it feels like walking away does nothing when they weren’t going to care about me anyway. It doesn’t affect them in any way. Instead I don’t feel power from No Contact I actually feel weak. Its like they got what they wanted and now that it’s all dried up they don’t care if it’s still around or not.
I know it’s such a negative way to look at it but those people just happily skip along and I get nothing but bad memories and constant pain to over come.
I feel the same.
Plus: No crumbs = starvation (in my case)
I’m over 40. If been in love twice….
I did a lot of work, facing old wounds, try to love me better…..
But in the end I’m alone and lonley in the company of a few others, who may respect me, but …. it’s no “happy end” either….
Blue74,
I am sorry to read you are feeling so alone. I am also in my 40’s and single. I do feel lonely at times. Times of feeling lonely can be difficult and challenging, sometimes it can feel downright isolating. But that is when I realize I can not sit back and be a passenger in my life. I need to be the driver and live the life I envision. My actions need to fill the gap of being the person I want to be. During the times of loneliness, this gives me a chance to reflect on goals I would like to achieve or new projects to undertake. What are some interests you have? What do you enjoy doing? Do you enjoy traveling? Has there been something you’ve always wanted to do but have been too afraid? Have you tried a MeetUp group? Have you ever thought about taking classes through community education or a local University/Tech school? Do you have a pet? Have you tried a book club? Have you thought about volunteering?
Being single really has given me an opportunity to dig even deeper into my wounds (wounds I have not wanted to address) and find my authentic self. At times, I have come to enjoy the solitude. But it is not always rainbows and unicorns, and the loneliness creeps in. During those times, I remind myself that I would rather be single the rest of my life and take a vow of celibacy than return to a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.
I wish you all the best
Hi blue74
Thank you for your response. I’m in my 20s and have felt where you are now. I still have a lot of learning to do as this is no easy journey. As along as we choose to live ourselves we will never have to accept crumbs at any age.
I truly wish you the best and know that you will find the love you deserve.
There is victory but it’s like the addiction–it didn’t happen overnight and you can’t fix it overnight. It’s not easy but there are tools you can use, and they work. I filled at least 3 dozen journals trying to offload frustration and find patterns so I could figure out WTF was wrong with this woman I could not shake. Once I was absolutely sure she had narcissistic personality disorder, I reached a fork in the road–to run like hell the opposite direction or read all I could find and become a lay expert on their patterns and games “so I could avoid the next one.” That’s the lie I told myself to stay in the game.
When I could no longer take the pain of her gaslighting, lies, running hot and cold, etc. I scorched the earth so she would stay away from me, because I was too weak to stay away from her. She has. Her wife made her after I ratted her out. That was not what I would do today, but I was desperate to make a clean break so I chipped in my dignity and self respect and tattled.
What I wish I had the sense to do back then was to stop trying to become an expert on her crazy ass and face the facts that I was a shit magnet for rats, cheaters and liars (wait for it)… just like my mom.
A good shrink and I dragged me back to age six to the exact moment I believed I was not very well loved or cared for. Dad was busy chasing women and mom was busy chasing him to make sure he didn’t catch any women. I wasn’t raised by wolves, I was raised by Foghorn Leghorn and Pepe LePew. Blah blah blah- all the childhood abuse and neglect stories share similar plots–but after this narcissist sucked all the joy out of me and left me deflated like a popped balloon, I had no intention of repeating my childhood hurts for a fifth decade with some new narcissist or sociopath. I had to find out what it was in me that forced me to put myself on the damaged goods table at the psych hospital gift shop and sell myself at 70% off.
Long story short, it took about a year of isolation, journaling, lying in a fetal position and asking God to help while I tried to sleep.
Now I am sane. I have boundaries and I have come more alive socially. I am a beast with my boundaries, but people can get used to them or scram. The only person I try to please now is me. My artistic output has quintupled and I am loving my freedom and solitude. I am not dating and I may never date again, but I soon may be too much fun to resist. A bright today predicts a great tomorrow. Love yourself first and seek love from within, where you actually have some control. Dump the shovels.
Love this.
I keep going back and forth about the no contact and not having a final word with him. You make a valid point….in his mind he has all of the control anyways so when he ignores my texts, but I jump at them he wins. SO, I have decided to make him squirm and just answer whenever I have time. Or not. Its going to take ALOT of strength to do that because of him (aka the heart crushing drug of a man)
I always thought I wanted to remain in contact with him JUST so I could get the final word in. What the hell would it really prove though? He wont care. I think for sanity, just fading out and making them realize that they have lost one of the best things EVER to come into there world is good enough for me. Sick of the crumbs from him.
Oh my God.
Up until about a year ago, that piece would have been a gut punch from Hell.
But now with more than two years of Absolutely No Contact and some brief but intense therapy with a shrink who understood what a covert narcissist can do to a people pleaser, I read it and at the end I thought, “Yep, that was her.”
Back when I was still in the vortex of that sucking abyss of need with the total disregard for anyone but herself, I swear I would have made sure she got a copy of this to read–hoping it would turn on a bulb in her head and make her realize what a bitch she’d been, and want to atone for it (LOL, as if!).
But now that I’m a safe, objective distance from the sucking vortex, I realize if I gave her that letter she would have read it carefully, and in her oh so soft and sweet voice she would have said, “This isn’t about me, it’s about the way you treated me.”
And thus, the grim, upside downy circus would begin anew.
Ohhh, no.
No more of that gas lighting, crazy making bullshit for me.
Epilogue:
I started hanging out with a fellow gay woman not long ago, but just as a friend. But as soon as I noticed a pattern of her having to control everything, a bit of conceit in her refusal to believe I wasn’t seeking more than friendship (she’s in a LTR elsewhere and I have core values) and her passive aggressive style of avoiding confrontation by doing something she knew would make me want to flee, that was all I needed.
I complained, for the first time. Passive aggressive, controlling people take that as a major assault.
After two weeks of the silent treatment, I e-mailed her and said, “I’m calling an official end to the silent treatment, and the unilateral break you called for either needs to become a permanent, clean break, a scorched earth break, or with shared decision making, a lot of compromise and hard work, an attempt on both our parts to salvage our friendship. I’d prefer to avoid scorched earth and I have reservations about finding any compromises with you, so I could go with option clean break, or maybe hard work, but it would have to be shared 50/50 to make it work.
She replied very politely and chose clean break. I signified my agreement by not replying. No hassles, no drama, nobody got sucker punched, and in time the social media winks and likes died from lack of reciprocation. I said clean break, but harping about herresponse emojis wouldn’t have been very clean on my part, so I ignored it.
I think in time we might become friendly acquaintances again, but I’m not willing to wade in any deeper. She’s a great woman, I just don’t want to be the boss or be bossed, especially with platonic friends.
Karen I really admire your strength and what you have shared!! It truly helps me feel like I can heal and move forward. One of the biggest questions I related to my therapist after having my heart squashed by the EU AC for yearrrssss , was how do I trust ? How do I accept and let someone new into my world after the hurt? I’m usually a person who is extremely unforgiving if someone hurts me or anyone close to me. I heard a friend of mine lied about something and spewed inaccurate information about me. It was all very hurtful, and ridiculous. Wel I have not spoken with her in 5 years. I do not feel bad at all, and it just helped me protect myself. With the EU AC, I’ve given him chance after chance hoping he would change and become that human version of the dream I had. How silly I was – he was in his own fantasy land with his personality disorder amongst other issues which I could not help him fix. At this point I am rebuilding my heart, and working on self esteem while he has scampered off and is most likely doing this to someone else. Does it piss me off that we had a lot of years sharing so much but we weren’t actually on a full on relationship ? Yes . Yeah that’s the kicker. We were best friends with blurred lines and whenever we were both single things would heat up. Cool down. Rinse and repeat. At any rate thank you for your comments they are always very helpful. I’m moving forward not waiting for his text tone to suddenly chime, and I never expect anything of him if he does text me. Everyone around us thinks he’s great but no one knows the real him. But me.
What a chilling read. I could hear my ex. This has been my life for the past 3 years and it has now been 24 hours using the NCR. I’ve lost myself under the control and charming ways of an assclown, narcissistic psychopaths. I needed to read this tonight and it will be saved for any of those times I feel week and need a good kick in the head. Life is short and it’s time to start living. Thank you Natalie, this is a masterpiece, a true life saver. I will never go back.
This is ridiculous! I actually opened my heart here to you people, representing ‘the other side’ and neither of you responded to my comment. Hello, if you want to understand where we are coming from, then ask. I am all ears!
Hi The Guy- I will bite. Please do tell me, why men ignore texts to string us along. Why they tell us they love us but dont seem to want to commit to us. Why the feel hurting us emotionally is OKAY and alright for them to do? Why do they love attention, and crave the ego boosts but dont like the “good” girls who treat them better than their GF’s? DO tell…I am all ears…..
OH MY GOODNESS NAT I LOVE THIS!!! What a post! Excellent, being that you coached me very well and I healed, I can see ALL of this so clearly and quite frankly it’s funny now when you look back. Thank you for being you!
Natatlie… I have loved and respected and devoured your work since my friend recommended you to me over a year and a half ago, but I wanted to tell you that you have been utterly outshining yourself in the podcasts and in your blog since you returned from your short hiatus. I absolutely love the one topic podcasts (not that I didn’t love the older format, as well!). I have saved every one, and listen to them again from time to time. Between your gorgeous voice and your thought-provoking, healing messages, you are a wonderful part of my week.
This post was the message that I so desperately needed to hear at this very moment in my life.
I am so grateful for the work you do, and for your role in my healing. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
I knew a man 3 years ago, 2.5 years after I divorced. He was different to any other man I knew and I fell for him. He started with a promise and after the first ten days, he initiated blowing hot and cold. I was so mad about him that we started living together, and I regret that so much, because I have a daughter. He was a free soul, and decided to go on a long trip with the promise of coming back. I decided to wait for him, and after 10 days he wrote me that I was only a little better than the other women he had known. A month after that, I discovered your blog and read your book, it was like being awake from a nightmare. It was hard for me. He had to come back, and he expected to find me waiting for him. He sent me messages (a phone call was too much for him) about all the things he needed to find when he came back. I was writing him a long letter waiting him to come and read it to him. When he arrived to my country, he didn’t come directly to my house, he went to another region to spend some days having a party with some old friends, and that was 3 months after he had gone away. My patience was fullfilled, and I simply wrote him that I didn’t want him to come back to my home, that all had ended. It took him two months to come back, and I just wanted to give him his things and close the door. I feared of his reaction, so I treated him with all the consideration that he didn’t deserve. 4 months after, he sent me insulting messages. I did no contact. One year and a half after, he wrote me an e-mail explaining that he was living on the street with dangerous people and that he loved me and hated me at the same time. No answer. Last mont he sent another message I didn’t want to read, nor did I answer it. I’m writing all this today, when he has sent 3 messages again. He says how can he ask for pardon or come back if I act like he doesn’t exist. It’s more than two years with no contact and he is still insisting!
I was mad about him, more than I should have been. I gave him all that he could need, and it was the worst relationship I have ever had. I felt like being nothing, so insecure that I was going crazy. I crossed the limits that I have always had.
I am so happy to have found baggage reclaim. I was in need of understand what it was happening to me, and to giving me all the respect that I had lost. It’s been hard, and now I’m learning to love me more.
This article is absolutely AMAZING!!
Just wanted to say – I’ve been thru this EXACT scenario with a woman at work over the last 8 months, it’s so exhausting. But I’m done with her and her zero self esteem BS, and attention seeking nonsense. Time to move on.
This blog is absolutely brilliant. I find myself nodding, agreeing with every single persons experience with a EU narcissistic AC. My guilt over mine , and the stress of him ignoring me, made me sick. Literally sick. No man is worth this!!! He only thinks about himself and doesn’t recognize that others around him could possibly be hurting. I have been friends with a psychic medium for years. I recently saw her, and he showed up in the cards immediately. Readers digest: this man knows his faults, knows that I always welcome him back and wait for him, and at some point in the next couple of years his life will change because of work and his focus will be me. That scared me. As of right now I am focused on ME and pushing him out of my mind.
Katy Perry has a song called “Save A Draft.” I highly suggest you all listen.
It’s all about me and I’m finding myself again! Thank u for this incredible blog Natalie you have saved me and so many.
I loved this article, however when I sat and thought of it, what I found most interesting was my reaction to it.
I realised that I was reading it wishing that my EUM had written it, because it showed at least some kind of thoughtfulness and admission of bad behaviour.
Typical of my relationship habits, I was focussing in on all the wrong parts – The positives, not the negatives. For example, I was reading “I know I’ve hurt you” and “you deserve better” and “why would such a kind generous caring etc person…” etc. I was not reading the “I don’t care for you, I don’t respect you” parts for what they were, even if spelt out clearly. Just like in real life, where I have ignored bad behaviour in exchange for only remembering the few times my EUM ever made me feel truly special.
So that’s my lesson, I look for the positives in a negative message and only take away what I want to hear.
In reality, I don’t think my EUM thinks about me at all, let alone something this profound. He’s thinking “I need to work on my car” or “I should go fishing this weekend”, not “I have really hurt her and she deserves better”. I’m just not even on his radar, unless he wants something.
You make a very good point. I feel as though that is the way my EU thinks as well. It’s alllll about him. Whatever is happening in the moment he pays attention to. Like you said- his car, his friends asking him to go to a sports bar, him working on projects around the house. Apparently I am just not good enuff. Mind you, via text I am good enuff for him. But on his terms. Im seeing so much clearer now after reading this blog and listening to experiences shared. We all deserve better. My EU changed his number again I think — I haven’t received an official notification just a drunk hello. I guess he assumed I would just know it was him. I deleted the number and haven’t heard a word.
That has chilled me to the core with its accuracy. What I know to be true, writ large. Thank you so much, Natalie. Powerful.
That is THE BEST blog you have written Nat – fact!
I have gone back & forth, forwards & back, in & out with the same EUM for over 15 years (yes!!! 15 years on & off) and he still claims he loves me and will change and guess what – he’s still EU!
This is best letter he could have ever written me and will change my mindset once & for all!
A huge wake up call! I’m now in my late 30’s wanting more from a relationship and I won’t get it until this chapter is closed for good! I feel I have a ‘connection’ unlike anything I’ve had before when actually … it’s fear! Fear of being alone, fear of accepting that he is actually who he portrays – – loser, player, commitment phobe and does not truly love me.
Thank you Nat – you are amazing!!
I’m ashamed to say we have broke up around 20 times in 14 months, every time we have a disagreement not necessarily an argument he walks out and breaks up then pursues me relentlessly, last time was 3 days ago and we have not spoken since and honestly I am glad of the peace and quiet and grateful he is not chasing me this time, I know I have to end this ridiculous cycle by going NC and moving on.
Its just the good times are so good and he is lovely most of the time, just loses his temper and says things he doesn’t mean now and then. He proposed in May and I thought this cycle would stop as he is insecure so I thought it would give him the reassurance he said he needed that I really love him.
I think he has given up but I need to be prepared for if he does come back wanting more, I can’t do it anymore, its like I am addicted to him and he always talks me round, I need to read this like 10 times a day.
Violet it truly is an addiction! I was struggling for almost 2 years to end a relationship. I knew it was bad after 4 months, but I kept ignoring my feelings, hoping for the good times to come back. Of course he would throw me a crumb or two to keep me in. But for the most of it was me trying to win his heart , and make him realize how amazing I am, in hopes he would see the light!
Well, I saw the light, and have found myself again. I am on a NC diet, its not easy, but its the only way back to sanity and myself.
Take care!
BTW, I printed the “Dear EX who keeps letting me back in letter” I carry it with me always. Whenever I feel sad or weak I read it. This has REALLY helped!
Great idea! I’m going to do this thanks Londongirl
This is so true. This guy I dated 3 years ago randomly pops up into my life. I normally delete him after he “disappears” but always allow him back into my life when he reconnects. I told myself we are friends (with occasional benefits) so I can’t be mad that he disappears but the last time I saw him, he said he wanted more from us. I thought, wow, he is ready for a real relationship. But that night, he came over (with my persistence to snuggle), and later wanted to have sex which I refuse. He got mad and I haven’t heard from him since. How can a person in one moment say “I want to commit to you” and then ignore me. I just emailed him to ask him to delete my number and not reconnect anymore.. not healthy. I could have just let it be but really need this reconnection to stop. I think he will respect my request. I’m not mad at him and will probably be nice if I was to bump into him, but I’m obvious an ego booster for him, not a priority. More like an option and I’m not an option, I should be a choice.
Sammi,
Your mistake was believing he wanted a relationship! He wanted sex and he told you what he wanted to get sex and when you said no he left. You didn’t need to call him to tell him to leave you alone! What you do is go no contact and when he calls again IGNORE him! Don’t even bother telling him about himself he won’t get it! Go NO CONTACT and move on.
Thanks Sam. He was just so convincing. But he did say he didn’t want to come over because he would be tempted to have sex with me and I convinced to come anyways. I just wanted to cuddle (so I do take some blame that I teased him since I sleep in the nude). Oh well. What done is done. On the otherhand, I have slept next to guys who wanted sex but they didn’t react that way he did when I say no. Just in disbelief that someone can be so hot one and cold. Never met someone like that. Oh well. Will just focus on me for now. xo
@Sammi-
I have had a very blurred lines friendship with a male friend of mine for years. We have flirted ridiculously off and on. He would have issues with his GF and I would be waiting in the wings to boost his ego. He would make me feel special and good about ME, but they were short “highs” so to speak. We would get right to the point of almost hopping into bed, and he would stop. He feared we would ruin our friendship, and he loved me but should t haven’t feelings for me. We were reduced to friends who saw eachother once in awhile and it was all heavy flirting and him telling me that he would be over to see me “wink wink”. Never happened. Sure the flirting via text was fun but the fact that he couldn’t commit and tell me I was more important to him drove me insane. Our friendship has changed drastically since he left for a month long business trip. I’ve heard from him twice maybe – both times he said when he got back he was absolutely stopping in for a visit to see me because he missed me. Yeah, not holding my breathe.
I’ve moved forward, and learned a lot about myself from this friendship/relationship with an EU Narcassistic man. I’m wayyyy more worth it than he ever thought, and if he thinks he can catch me and tuck me in his back pocket he is sorely mistaken.
Read this blog my friend you will learn a lot about not wasting time. No more booty call texts ….
Thanks Lemonade,
I know he just wanted an ego boost and future faked. I guess I’m use to him being hot and cold. Can never understand how some people can be so hot one more and than cold the next. I am not like that so just can never understand their thought process. I will be fine for it’s not the first time this guy has done it to me. I will just focus on me and not hold out hope for anymore from this person. Guess you meet all types of people and it’s a learning for sure. A harder lesson since I’ve had this lesson a few times over the years but I think I’m done with this chapter. Thanks and all the best. We all deserve more!! Xo
@Sammi- i am not a hot and cold person either, so everything he did tortured me. One minute he was texting me constantly , calling me making me laugh, inviting me to go out for a meal, and the next he was ignoring my texts and calls and not giving any explanation. Talk about maddening! He and I were very close so I knew about some issues he carried and I always just blamed everything on them. Nope. Not a valid excuse. His assumption that I would always be there still remains and he has tried texting me but I ignore it. Why torture myself knowing he will never change. Life is short and I would rather focus on me, and be happy with someone that doesn’t make me work for it. Good luck 🙂
Thanks Lemonade.
Let’s us find strength in each other and find what we deserve. xo
Wow – that is me – “I’m obviously an ego booster, not a priority.” That describes my ex to a “T.” Thanks for your wisdom, it made me see him a new light.
Nat, Thank you for this powerful post. It came at a watershed moment. I had met the man that I had always dreamed of last year. We were together three months in a whirlwind romance then the back and forth stuff started. I read about “no contact,” but in the end I simply decided that I didn’t want someone who didn’t want me. It sounds simplistic, but I spilled a lot of tears over this. In the end I didn’t block his calls or do no contact. I just emotionally decided I deserved better. It took 8 months to get to this point, but I know people on your site who have spent years in limbo, so I’m grateful that for whatever reason I’m able to move on. So what if he’s your soulmate, if he’s not that into you then what is the point? Life is short. I want a guy who is totally into me. I’m tired of sharing a “rock star” with his ex wife, ex girlfriend, and all the others who think he’s such a hero. Yes, he’s an amazing guy, but he doesn’t make me feel good about me. So it’s over. Finally.
Bravo !!! He’s just not that special and you deserve someone who will be there for you 100%, and love you to the full extent.
It’s true – sometimes they appear to be “the one”, but sadly they are just dreams that will never come to light.
Stay strong and realize you have this blog to fall back on if you need reinforcement.
Cheers!
Croix, Well the problem is that he really is special and not just to me. He’s someone who is greatly respected and admired for his tireless pro bono legal work on behalf of women and children. He was also a professional athlete in my favorite sport. However, we couldn’t make it to “we”. He may be an amazing individual, but that doesn’t do anything for me if we can’t have a true partnership. I need someone in my life who puts our relationship front and center. I don’t need someone “amazing” to be my partner. It’s not about him as an individual. It’s about the relationship we create together. For that, I need an emotionally available man who can stay the course. If I fall in love, that guy will become special in my eyes regardless of how the world sees him.
Ahhh yes . I understand what you mean. Mine was well respected in law enforcement, and extremely good at his job. He had high rankings for his gun training sessions at the academy, and was known for his major roles within the department. He put on a great show of being happy with everyone around him but I saw another side. He was a very frustrated man that wanted things he couldn’t have. When he felt he was failing aka not getting what he wanted, he would totally shut down. No texts to anyone. He was depressed and drank a lot as well. I helped him through a few times but just realized that this was not what I wanted. I never signed up for a man who was only happy while working, and miserable and only semi flirtatious. He ended up backing away from me which actually helped me feel better about letting go. Even if he did come back and swear that he would commit, and be greatful for what I brought to the relationship, I wouldn’t take him back. It’s important to look out for yourself, and sadly sometimes the guys we think are “the one” are not. They are a dream.
And p.s.. I felt extremely proud of him, and he was special to me as well. I almost felt more special just being around him. I think I miss that the most.
I understand. It’s an added bonus when you greatly respect and admire the guy you are in a relationship with and when those around you are impressed that someone like this is drawn to you. My closest friends, however, weren’t impressed with him because they just wanted me to be happy. Did you experience that, too?
@GailSusan – ohhh yes I lost friends because of him. In my mind, the view I had of him was this “superman”. He would call me when we first started talking and have me on his Bluetooth so I could hear how brave and important he was. I would tell friends and family all of this, and they would say “well what about you? How does he treat you? Does he ask you anything about you?” . . . No. I would have to start conversations about me, and if for some reason he thought he could “interrogate” me, he would. Honestly he was extremely good at a thankless job, but my best friend also is in the same profession and she has never had this personality like the EU did. I would ask friends and family “he’s acting like this, he said this… he’s confusing me…” people told me to get rid of him years ago. I really saw his true colors when I needed emergency assistance and he did not reply to my call. Not a word. Even laying in that hospital bad the next day, he wouldn’t return my text. He finally visited me, but it was at the prodding of a mutual friend. I know damn well he never would have come to see me because it’s allll about him, but he didn’t want to look bad in front of him. Seeing how self absorbed he was, and knowing how he used me to pump up his ego when he wanted it made me feel less attracted to him. I used to say that if I had to choose, I would choose him over some friends that didn’t like him. That’s bull. I’m so glad I came to my senses. He has left this area for an assignment and I believe I have heard from his twice – each time he wanted an ego boost. Heard he changed his cell number and yes I got one of his random drunk texts but whoops I deleted it! I don’t have his number and I hope I continue to hear crickets from his end. Some days it’s very tough when friends and family say “that was ridiculous why did u stay for so long??” Because I loved him. I thought I had found the one. He was a broken man I could not fix and it wore me down and broke ME. I’ll know the warning signs for next time and refuse to get into anything like I did with this man. I wish nothing bad on him, I hope he finds peace and happiness finally and if we see eachother at Starbucks some day so be it. He owes me a large coffee.
I agree — many of Natalie’s columns are great but this one is classic. It should be on a poster or something.
For a long time I thought it meant we had some special connection, it was “fate” if he “couldn’t stay away” — I was misled maybe by the old Isley Bros. song that said in part, “out of all the women of the world, I keep coming back to you” (a great song despite the perhaps problematic message)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RclqsuLXlo
No coincidence that the actual title is “Here We Go Again”
TERRIFIC post, Natalie! Really one of your best. I bet every woman who reads it was picturing a particular assclown (or several!) who was reading them that letter!!! I know I was! You have these men literally down to a science in their behavior! I have now reached the point with mine (assclown) to where I honestly think he has backed off for as long as he has, because he’s TRYING to let me go and not mess up my life anymore!! Still, he is my Mr. Unavailable and I am his Fallback Girl (as classic as it gets!), and despite the fact that I’ve started seeing someone else, down inside I still wonder if I’ll wind up “succumbing” to him (or vice versa) at some point in the future. 🙁
so powerful, so true. I lived this. and there is no clean or pretty way to make a break from it. you just do it, and don’t look back, because they will always come back to (subtly) convince you to let them stay around.
It’s true – soooo true. I’ve not heard a word from the EU in a few weeks and it’s been amazing. Because of a friends party tonight I may see him, and it’s going to be difficult but I just plan on making anything I say short and sweet.
They try to lure you back in just to make sure you are in that back pocket with others that they have on the line. Im over it – my heart couldn’t take it anymore.
This perspective made me cry today. I needed to see it written this way. Thank you.
Ladies I am posting this as these are the wise words from my 80 year old father. He has told me that if a man doesn’t commit to a woman by 12 months into a relationship he isn’t going to. Then you run the risk of being in a relationship that is passing time and why buy the cow when you have the milk free syndrome.
So if some of you wish to marry or co-habit, have children whatever, go by the 12 month rule. Then you avoid these non-relationships and if things aren’t progressing kick him to the kerb but importantly tell him what it is you want/need as you do it. He either steps up and delivers or goes for ever. A man will know very soon if you are the one for him and if by 12 months he is making excuses then you know where you stand. People end up in dead end relationships through fear. Fear of being alone, fear that he will go if you take a stand for what you want. Worst case scenario he does but you keep your sanity.
I don’t wish to marry again or live with a man but am not ruling out a monogamous companion. If however I get games then I will let him go. I’ve had men blow cold on me and not got in touch with them. They come back in time and then you decide if you keep in touch but if they’ve blown cold once it will be a pattern. For me I’d now respond only to say that I want a man to step up to the plate and be part of a relationship that has respect, integrity and trust with no games. He’d be told he either steps up and delivers that or I’ll wish him a good life without me in it and send him on his way. We have the power to decide what happens in our lives with these men, so use it and don’t be afraid.They aren’t worth it but we are.
The trouble with that is that EU types will commit (on the face of it) whether it’s co-habiting or marriage for many reasons e.g. social status, doing what their friends are doing, feeling it’s the right time to settle down….but they’re still EU. [I believe Natalie has covered this topic before.] So even if one behaves how you want them to and apparently steps up, it doesn’t mean you’re getting any kind of a decent/reliable person – their true nature will reveal itself in good time. They haven’t suddenly spontaneously combusted into a different person just ’cause they’ve decided to commit. I know of one (we weren’t involved but he chased me obsessively behind a gf’s back that I didn’t know existed) who has proposed to his most recent gf and they haven’t been together 2 years yet. Personally I think that’s too fast to get engaged these days and I would be very reluctant. Anyway I have seen his other faces and I know how manipulative and controlling he is but he has obviously got her completely fooled. I think he just thinks he has found one who will put her own needs last and butter him up like the women in his family do and that’s how things will always be – I also suspect he’s getting married ’cause his friends are settling down. This girl will have to learn the hard way now but I don’t think he’ll manage to even keep the marriage going a few years – he has a wandering eye too.
So what I’m saying is that the advice from your father might be fine when it comes to a healthy man but with EUMs it’s another story.
I accept your point but I don’t think many men are “healthy” mentally where relationships are concerned. My point was about men who keep a woman dangling for years where the woman is missing massive red flags. No man will admit to being EU.
My second marriage was to a man who was classic EU, blowing hot and cold, retreating emotionally, back tracking, controlling, mean financially and emotionally and totally spineless so I felt like there was a battle going on and it was all my fault. It took years in the marriage for him to show this side so there is no right and wrong. He then decided of his own accord when we were divorcing that he wasn’t marriage material but it took him 2 marriages over 20 odd years and breaking the hearts of two women to realise this. I learned a lot from him after the event when I found Nat’s site and there will never be a repeat of these mistakes. With many men the red flags can come after there is commitment.
By 12 months you should have an idea if he will commit or not and has shown willing to take things up a level. If this is important to you and you don’t get this then move on. Had I known the red flags and found Nat’s site earlier then I would have known my ex was classic EU and no I would not have married him. I believe there is a degree of EU in most men it is a matter of how much you are prepared to accept or not. By the age of 50+ most people have baggage and can be temporarily EU but those who want to move on with their lives deal with it to remain open and available. Sadly many don’t and remain stuck in the past missing out on life.
My last EU history. I was very happy because finally meet a very handsome guy for my own country, good job, nice car and perfect for me. We meet, went for a dinner, walk holding hands and couple kisses before we said bye. I was very happy, next day he texted me and he said sorry, I was very sexy, beautiful all the qualifications for to be the perfect partner but he choose another girl . A couple months later he text me and said he wants another opportunity, he start asking me about pictures of my undes and my brass, and nudes of my body and promess me to see each other soon and have dinners and spend time together and keeping the game of the touch himself on the phone and said how good was our sex and blablablas bs . Suddenly I understand this stupid game and the lies and the false expectations about relationship and told him I want to play anothe game where I was her master and carry him with a dog linch and prohibite to touch himself because he only was made por to gave me pleasure. He reply sorry BB I am not ready for this, you are the best but decided to leave for this relation i hope you understand me. I said Okay, Bye. I am very happy that I want to get the control, i want to be the driver and of course he want the have the control and be the driver of this (suppose) relationship . HAHAHAHA finally I am get it
I’m sorry to say but this letter is me and I did this to me ex. I’ve treated him horrible and he has finally realized that I’m not going to change until i’m ready. It took me losing him and him his NC for me to realize that I needed help. I need counseling to deal with the abuse I experienced. I’ve left a trail of heartache over my life. Never fully committing to anyone. I’m ashamed of what I’ve become and I realized that I needed to change. Reading this post was spot on for me and I realized I have to be better.
Rebecca,
This is very brave and honest of you. Half the battle is recognising that you need to change. You can’t change the past but you can change the future and it is in your hands. Sometimes we learn the hard way about ourselves but it is never too late to become a better person. Letting the past rule our life is also in your circumstances letting the abuser/s win and they aren’t worth it. Hopefully you will get the correct help to become the person you wish to be and lead the life you desire.
Thank you Feisty for you response. I am seeking professional help and I hope one day that I can be the person that I was meant to be…to be able to love someone like they should be loved.
Thanks for this – so powerful – amazing 🙂
I’m curious how you all deal with trying to avoid thoughts of your ex EU? Example of this: I see a sports game on we used to watch together or we would text during it. I see something I would normally tell him about ….it’s not easy to see that phone sitting there dark. Has he forgotten me that quickly? ”Tis a painful challenger to forget such a mentally abusive man.
I have an EU ex who has tortured me for the last 2.5 years since he dumped me. He said he wanted to be friends. I didn’t think that was possible, but was also afraid to have him leave me 100%. So I said OK. I gave and gave and gave – I responded to him, babysat his daughter, etc. Then he found a new GF and he disappeared for about a year. Then he moved to my town and started right back up acting like we were best buddies. We had lunch, drinks, talked about his problems. I gave him career advice and pumped up his ego when he was feeling down. I let him use my beach house, basically did anything and everything I could think of to please him and he was always on my mind. In return, he would text me and talk to me like a business contact (thanks for reaching out! thanks for the heads up! thanks for following up!). He would make promises to me like “lunch on me when you get back from your trip” when I did him a favor. He never followed up. I began to get very angry with him. I never told him I was angry, though – I just kept inventing reasons to engage with him and jumped at any crumbs he threw my way. But my anger was seeping through in the tone of some of my communications. Couple this with the fact that our breakup sent me into a spiral of heavy drinking – and things finally came to a head this week. After I had a few too many, things got ugly on a phone call between us. I hung up on him. And then I texted him some cruelties and basically said I hated him, eff you, etc. Nothing that I’m proud of saying. By morning, he had blocked me on all social media. I am ashamed beyond belief. But in the end, I’m afraid this is the only way we were ever going to separate, because I was too weak to walk away. Too weak! I have struggled to walk away for so long. So while I’m glad something forced it, I am so devastated that he is out in the world now able to call me “crazy” while he gets away with having treated me so poorly for so long. But I’m ashamed of myself, too, for letting this go on so long. I am going to therapy – this guy had a unnatural hold on me for 2.5 years and though I knew I needed to 100% cut ties I simply couldn’t do it. I kept returning to my own vomit, to use one of Natalie’s jarring analogies, and rubbing my nose in my own self-made mess. Reaching out to him, hoping for a response, and always being disappointed, yet going back to the well time and time again and jumping the second he contacted me. What a mess. If only I had heeded Natalie’s advice 2.5 years ago – I feel like I have lost a good chunk of my life to this person.
JM- I think u will find that a lot of us have been through the exact thing as you. I was in your position for more than 5 years. He would push me away and reel me back in when he needed an ego boost. He would act like everything was fine, he claimed he loved me, I was the only one who understood his issues, blah blah. He left to work somewhere else and had decided he wouldn’t tell me. I cornered him after hearing about this move and he said he didn’t want to hurt me so he was going to just vanish. Bull. He left, and for a few weeks he would text or call looking for that ego boost he craved from me. I do not miss hearing his text tone. I also don’t miss seeing him every morning which caused me anxiety knowing he would make excuses why he couldn’t talk to me in front of his friends or why he had to suddenly go into a meeting. Outside of where we saw eachother , this man would flirt, text, call, drink with me … but it was all a secret from everyone. I admit that it made me feel special and I craved anytime I had with him so I made it work. Those crumbs kept me fed for tooooo long. I received a random text awhile ago and I think it was him- new number . I replied back with something I never would say to him. “hi.” Nothing flashy. Haven’t heard a word since. These men love to have us when they need egos boosted and just vanish. He’s gutless and doesn’t deserve me. I’m still healing from his mental games and realize I may see him or hear from him at some point. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Stay strong and back away from this man . You deserve better !
Croix – thanks for commiserating with me! I am terrified of running into him and he does live in my small town, unfortunately. Some straw finally broke this camel’s back, and he now thinks I’m insane, I guess. These people are just so toxic and difficult to get out of the system!
Just forgive yourself….really. You will have learnt your lesson ad you will move on from here. We or at least most if us have been there. Been there even after they treated us badly, disrespected us, told us all the little cruel things that they knew would hurt. And we all went back for more. It’s a fact. Trust me when l say it won’t matter after a while and you will be the one not giving a damn. In the meantime l have to agree that yea it’s best that your …drunken self at least finally did it. If your sober self couldn’t. That being said, do ask for help if you drink too much. And back to the issue. ..yes separation was needed. Otherwise you would have gone back over and over just to keep him in the…landscape. If you see him…could you by any chance totally ignore him and even hum a tune of joy as you walk past? I sometimes feel it helps me if l need to deal with something unpleasant. It’s silly l know…
And should he ever dare ask or interject or message or whatever…just say: yeah l just got annoyed and realised l don’t really actually like you or want to spend any more time together. I just feel like l have nothing to learn from you so..yeah bye now l really have other stuff to do.
I did that to one of mg exes but by then l was already a but angry and determined to get my.mojo back. Unfortunately l felt a but of revenge was needed so if he was going to tell people l was all kinds of crazy, l was going to at least be brutally honest with him and tell him the truth that would liberate me and hurt him deep inside. I even uttered the words: I have no respect for you anymore, sorry and l feel l can’t stay in touch qith someone like that…
But…before that l was all aorts of desperate and sad and on the verge of a breakdown for a couple of months so…do not feel bad. THIS HAS BEEN THE CASE FOR OTHERS TOO SO DON.T GO CRUELLY PUNISHING YOURSELF…you are human. Try to get yourself back on your feet..alllow your grief and shame etc to..exist but once you’ve screamed or cried in thw pillow enough try to start telling yourself positive things about how lovely you arw and how you will be ok no matter what has happened… it is hard. ..but try. X X
Sorry to have talked about my story a bit much it’s just that once you start talking thinga keep coming back to you 🙂
It’s good you will try counselling…it will help deal with all the shame at having treated yourself so badly, by going back for more ljke you said. But remember you have done nothing *that* terrible. You were in the same position aa many many of us here…being human and making mistakes is completely pardonable.
And please try to tell yourself that those people whom he has, you assume, told what happened. ..what a sad lufe they muat have to be his friends or pay attention to what he is saying. Most clever people usually pick up on BS so they’ll know something of the story is missing. And yeah whoever is perfect by all means can judge. I.e….nobody; )
I agree with Ro! I was in a bad place and drinking as well. I felt that my hurt and anger towards what we had would vanish if I was drunk. Never helped one bit. It made me worse, and I even got extremely sick. My life has changed completely since I got sick – I have not had a drink and I have dealt with this EU AC without needing that crutch. He still tries to pop into my life. I’m fully prepared when he does and my feelings have changed so much that I really don’t expect a damn thing from him. You must look out for YOU. He sent me a video saying hello and I noticed how quickly he moved his iPod out of sight. Know what that is? That’s his other means of communication so it cannot be tracked. I bet he’s talking to at least 10 other girls where he is now and using an app on that so his cell phone bill won’t reflect it. When he messaged me, he was bored. Needed an ego boost. I don’t play these games anymore , and when he said he would visit in a couple of weeks I just laughed it off and didn’t bother to beg of him “when! What time!! I’ll have the alcohol flowing and my sexy underwear ready!”. Nope. He won’t show up. In his mind it’s allll a dream and he gets off on that. I’m healthy and free of him. It’s not easy to do and I still have days where I think about good times, and wish he was different but he won’t change. He never ever will change.
Look out for you, and stay the course :)))
thank you 🙂
Your story is very familiar, as well as helpful for me to hear. Thank you for sharing!
JM- no worries. I hope everyone’s experiences including mine could help you see that you are NOT alone. Everything your EU AC did was like a carbon copy (most likely), of everyone’s experiences. I was scared and very anxious everyday hoping I wouldn’t see my EU. Small town as well, and with his job the chances of seeing him were extremely high. Plus we worked in the same general area. I wouldn’t even go to his side of town for fear of seeing him. Amazing how for 5+ years I loved going there. I felt special – like I was the only one that knew the path to his place. What a joke!!! I’ll never be blind to this kind of man ever again, and I hope you won’t be either:)
Great text indeed.. Just went through… Asking myself, thinking, trying to figure out… This text is just THE ONE I needed on my personal road of growth after all.. It is a small drop maybe but significant! Thank you Natalie…
Pardon my English I’m french.
Thank you so much Natalie.
Reading your articles has helped me to get away from a ‘fake relationship’.He disappears and come back into my life when he feels like it,for the past 2 yrs and I always accept him when he comes back because of the connection I feel for him as I felt he was my ‘twin flame’.
A month ago,he tried to come back to my life (after ending things with me saying he doesn’t need a serious relationship ) the day he tried to win me once again he was so nice,and telling me he loves me so much,but I didn’t fall for it because I knew he wanted the control back again.I told him I am not interested and I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.He was so shocked and kept wondering why he couldn’t win my heart again like before.He was so angry he didn’t know when he told me that I don’t have the right to reject him,and he is the one that is suppose to reject me,lol.he brought out a mirror and started looking at his face ,talking to himself that he needs to barb his beard,maybe he is not handsome anymore maybe that’s why am rejecting him,lol,a complete narcissistic EUM.
Merci beaucoup Natalie,for your articles,showing me the pattern and ways of EUM,I really appreciate.
My EU whom I have not seen or heard from since July, texted me out of the blue a couple of days ago. He did his usual “fishing” text and then said he had a question for me. I shoudknt have engaged with him- I should have just let it go. I answered his question which anyone else with a brain could have answered. He knew the answer, he just wanted to see how far I would go for him and if I was in that back pocket. His torture started later when he flirted but not before being honest about some things that he had held from me for at least a year. He wanted pity, an ego boost… two days he texted constantly like he used to buttering me up. Can anyone guess what has happened as of this morning? Bingo! He has vanished after telling me he WILL come over and chat with me when he returns to town. Mind u he admitted he is in town a lot but doesn’t stay long. I called him out on that and told him that was ridiculous and such bull. I won’t be waiting for him to stop by. I’m guessing 2018 he mayyyy stop over. He’s a classic EU Narcissistic, AC! I haven’t decided if I will ignore his next text or let him come by so I can tell him how I feel in person. I’ve got time to work that out knowing how he slithers away and hides until he needs another fix… unreal.
Ignore. For a narc, good or bad attention is still supply. Don’t give him any supply.
I am in the midst of trying to pull up my big girl panties and move on. I’ve been seeing someone off and on for several years. He does this exact stuff to me. Even finding out he lied about where he lived and finding out he actually lived with a girlfriend I still haven’t been able to end it completely. I did twice and took him back. He promised me he was looking for a place that we could move in together because he doesn’t really love her. By the way he moved in with her during the time we were dating. He says how much he loves me now and didn’t before and he says all the right things but he’s still with her! I’ve waited 6 months. It doesn’t take that long to find a place. He always gives me excuses as to why the place isn’t right. I’m typing this and I want to kick my own ass at my stupidity. He’s lied to me so many times. I don’t understand why I’m still letting him do this to me.
Love is an action. Go by actions not words. Read Natalie’s blogs and books, also “Men who can’t Love” and please don’t waste any more years on this douche. Trust me, they don’t change.
Hi Kathy- this was the exact same thing that happened with my EU. He suddenly told me he had a Gf that lived a few hours away. He lived with her occasionally because he worked where he met me. He liked having his space and constantly complained about her. He would even be on the phone texting me whining about how she hadn’t left to go home yet and he just wanted to text me and watch football. A few years passed and I was still waiting. He gave me soooo many stories about how she was cold hearted, greedy, needy, and simply upset him constantly. As of today he is living with her full time but still claims to have feelings for me. He doesn’t contact me nearly as much but when he does, he flirts and tries to talk like we did in the past. He wants me to be his ego boost – he wants me to be around when it’s convienant for him. I’m nothing like her and that’s why he wants me in his effed up world still. I have stopped guessing where is funny texts are, what he is doing, if he really will come over , and if I should text him when I see something we used to laugh about. He’s in the past. What he is doing is looking out for him and no one else. I assure you that you deserve better, and I do as well. Just make sure you walk away sooner than I did. It was years of this and I felt nothing but anger and emptiness when he finally showed me all of his cards. He wasn’t worth it.
Late to the party, but wow. The post is absolutely spot on.
Had no contact from my ex for nearly a year, and out of the blue he decided to text me again. I asked him what he wanted, and he said it didn’t matter, he was drunk. Okay, whatever. I didn’t reply after that.
A week later he texted me again. Now my interest was spiked up by then. What did he want? Does he miss me? Does he regret how he treated me? WHAT DOES HE WANT?!
A few days I decided to ask if he wanted to meet up again.
He then tells me that he is seeing someone else, and that it was a mistake he even contacted me.
It was a complete slap in the face. I felt hurt and angry, but most of all, I felt humiliated. I gave him what he wanted from me, and that was attention. But most of all, I allowed him to be in control again.
I then told him to never contact me again and blocked him. For once I actually meant it.
(Also, he literally texted me from a new number as I blocked his last number. Desperate much?)
Hi Steph. I have been through the exact same thing, and even heard from the EU AC narcissist today (always very random and on his terms). As you said, these guys love attention, and they want us to boost the egos that feel deflated. Mine has also changed his number many times and drunken texted me from a number late at night, but has never confessed it was him. I know it was though. Today’s latest was just him texting and verbalizing how upset he was about something in the news, and a quick funny video he made. That was all. No, “how are you?”. I shouldn’t have replied but I took the bait and actually had a reply for his comments and thoughts on a topic. I never heard back, and I probably won’t again until he needs an ego boost or to prove that he is still “the man”. They all act the same, and my level of trust has dropped to zero. Snakes in the grass.