Way back in the day when I used to work in media sales, we talked a lot about building rapport with clients, getting to understand their needs, and matching them up, where relevant, with the right products to help them grow their business. I learned very quickly about the importance of timing and ensuring that I didn’t jump the gun. When everything had come together, the next logical step was a client ready to take out advertising and in some instances, they were so ready, they were like, ‘How much and where do I sign?’.
When I mentored graduates, a lot of the work was really about mindset and approach because some would be tempted to pick up the phone or turn up to a meeting and quick as anything, they would ask for the sale and then be surprised at being met with crickets. They were so in their heads that they didn’t get a reading on the situation and ensure that the other steps had been taken.
The same thing happens with dating and while some of it is about jumping the gun and so maybe being a bit too quick to try to move from being strangers to being in a relationship, it can equally be about mismatched and in fact, misunderstood next logical steps.
For a lot of people, feeling attracted to someone, or going on a first or few dates, is an automatic precursor to a relationship or certainly to desiring a relationship with the person in question, but when it all boils down to it, is that really the next logical step? No.
That doesn’t mean that a relationship with the person isn’t possible, it’s just that depending on how much of a leap is made, it progressing into a relationship in an organic fashion where it feels natural and a next logical step for the both of you, is less likely.
In the very early phase of an attraction or involvement, there’s not enough ‘we’ in the mix for both parties to feel comfortable about moving forward.
There quite simply isn’t enough data and so it can be a bit like making a decision with less than 10% of the info. Sure, we might be tempted to argue that attraction, having fun together, and yes, some great sex must surely count for a lot, but these might not necessarily be the reasons why someone would think, ‘Yeah, I want to turn this into a relationship’, especially if they have experience of doing these things in, yep, you guessed it, non-relationship situations. This where we come to the mismatched and misunderstood next logical steps.
What happens when we are having a good time with someone who we’re technically in a casual arrangement with (‘casual relationship’ is an oxymoron)?
All too often, one party wants more. In fact, it’s not uncommon for one party to have always wanted more but played it down. For us, the next logical step is to turn this into a relationship, but if they are someone who has, let’s call it, plenty of practice at casual, as fabulous as we are, they can’t distinguish this involvement from the others.
Their next logical step is not the same as our next logical step.
When we become aware of this, we start trying to prove ourselves to get this person to take the next logical step, and basically we have to do some retrospective due diligence. We often feel short-changed and don’t ‘get’ why our next step isn’t theirs. If we fail to respect this, we will get stuck on them not doing things our way and not have enough understanding of the fact that both of us have skipped something or a lot of things.
The misunderstood next logical step is why people feel so bruised by Future Faking because surely if someone is talking up the future, the next logical step is to do things to create that future.
If someone has a rather short-term view and you have longer-term aspirations, they won’t value being trustworthy and so won’t be mindful of the value of a longer-term relationship.
In a similar fashion, if we haven’t built a foundation with healthy boundaries, while it’s understandable that we might suddenly step up for ourselves in response to something, it’s very possible that the other party will not expect this as the next logical step because it’s not what experience has taught them.
What we can take from experiences where it became obvious that our needs, expectations and desires were out of sync with someone else’s or where we, yes, jumped the gun a little or a lot, is that we need to take our time—we need to take steps in the early stages, not leaps.
If we’re interested in someone and they appear to have things in common with us, the next logical step is to gather working knowledge and understanding of that person, not to jump to wanting a relationship. This is why dating is a discovery phase. We can go up, down, round and sideways about it, but if we’re serious about being in a serious relationship, the next logical step is to take the steps of discovery.
It’s also critical to do this with people who are open to going at that pace and doing their own discovery—their next logical step is far more likely to be in line with ours and it won’t feel as if we have to pull teeth or wrangle or wrestle a commitment out of them plus showing up with love, care, trust and respect will be natural.
Your thoughts?
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Awesome post Nat and sooooo timely. Exactly what I believe is going on. I want my relationship to progress yet I feel as though he does not. This was kind of a chance rship in that I’d felt as though I needed to give up all socialization until I retire and leave. Tried hard to not become too invested and ironically, me who needs to leave is emotionally invested and he,who is committed to living in this state, doesn’t seem to be. Part of this may be that he’s a two plus year widower who had some issues being controlled in his marriage, part of it may be that we’re compatible on many levels yet we’re 150 miles apart and have differing lifestyles; his upscale subdivision vs my oft chaotic farm on the edge of a very impoverished town. At this point, not sure whether to enjoy what there is, knowing it’ll end or just bail. and try and leave the region ASAP. Having had no good dating options regionally and no support network makes the situation even harder. I understand fully that I need to leave this area as the job and community is hazardous to my well being, yet leaving too soon would lead to a disastrous retirement and probably kill my chances at the sort of rship that I’d want. Academic jobs for older folk are nearly nonexistent though I’ve been looking for more progressive/rural/healthy/sustainable communities, more so than where my retirement farm is. Not sure what to do and there doesn’t seem to be a quick solution to any of this ???????????
If you find that progressive/rural/healthy/sustainable place, please let me know. I’m in my 50s now and sick of the attitude that ‘more is more’. In this new, scary Trumpistan, getting away from the sickness that is the new America is huge. Or is that Yuge?
Tracy
I’m a look in’ believe me. ??
There is a whole new industry popping up in Colorado, Oregon, Washington State, California and Maine. It’s rural, in parts, and the people in the business seem to like it.
Clue: It’s a farm crop you can, eat, smoke, vape or drink.
And it’s progressive/rural/healthy/in sustainable places.
🙂
Karen
I currently reside in one of those states; pot culture is not a good thing, trust me. You can and do have many non progressive, uber conservative, gun luvvin types that love their weed. This place is full of them.
It was just a thought. 🙂 I hope you find your little slice of tranquility, and live happily ever after.
I think you should not mix your doubts about your current relationship with your living situation. If you want to leave your farm, you must accept the losses and expect some gains. Or stay and try to make peace with it.
So timely! I just got back into the dating scene and I’m trying those apps. I have a date lined up almost everyday this week. I’ve gone on a few already and I’m actually having a good time on each and those guys are not dicks because I’m being selective in who I want to engage with in the first place. I think I’ve been building healthy boundaries thanks to BR! But still work in progress. I do tend to overthink and my libido sometimes get the best of me so I needed this article today!
I dated a little bit recently, but none of them made it past round one: the first phone call. Oh well, I guess I’m not quite ready.
Then Hitler Trumph was elected and I got distracted, planning to build a studio apartment behind my house. If they plan to hijack my social security, the studio rent will help replace the loss.
And believe me, I will pay as many taxes as I can on that earned income. Like the new pres, I believe in making America hate again.
:/
Oh, this one is so hard and I touched on it in stories and light sharing of experiences on the post about “making more progress than you think” — I think that was the post before this one.
Oddly enough? I am wrestling with whether I agree or disagree with Nat on this topic. Why? Because in MY experience, I think people can be mismatched in *their baseline attitude toward commitment* period. And, the guy may hide his “casual” nature, it may not be discussed or somebody outright lies– in both the pro and non commitment way. I mean – – though I be scattershot religious, dating religious types within that circle provides HEAPS of clarity about what to expect from a deep or longterm involvement — and very few “casual” “arrangements.”
Also, for example, there used to be a sort of “sorting” mechanism on dating sites as far as what people are looking for: “casual” “no strings” “marriage” — is that still there? Don’t know. . .but the baseline clarity I used to find useful, when I did try online dating. It seemed to work only with the more casual end though, a lot of the guys who said “commitment” outright lied to get more women interested!
I think the USUAL story is where the woman wants more and the man doesn’t. It’s so hurtful when that happens — and can happen SO easily. I think that’s what a lot of women want, and what Nat’s post here is about — but perhaps the confusion is how to be on the same page and in what timeframe is reasonable.
To be clear, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with “casual” or “no strings” if that’s what both people want from each other for ever and ever! It gets messy when somebody (usually the woman) wants marriage or some type of marriage-proxy, like moving in and he “isn’t ready yet,” particularly when the wellspring of the “connection” or whatever was supposed to be “casual” or “no strings.”
Truth is? He was never ready in the first place! And this was never discussed before the “relationship” sort of “progressed.” I think these are things to uncover in the “discovery phase” rather early — and feel free to bolt if the level of *attitude toward commitment* is not damn near equal, even though the investment of time and effort, with no fast forwarding or future faking involved, is not there yet to decide yay or nay on making a commitment to a particular person or situation.
I personally don’t think that a man’s attitude toward commitment changes based on the person he is with. I think somewhere along the line, somebody JUST wasn’t honest with themselves or the person they were with. Everyone knows or has had the experience of the jerk who was with someone for YEARS, dragging along, then marries *the next girl* after a whirlwind of, yeah, 2 weeks.
The truth of a situation like that is he was OK with commitment, just not to that longtime girlfriend. He just got too comfortable and/or outright lied/strung the longtime girlfriend along, while she held out hope.
The last best advice for myself I got was to eliminate “casual” and “no strings” situations completely from my life, if I want to be married. Ohhh, talk about crickets! After YEARS of this, I am not sure if that is good advice, because that choice has yes, kept me from some otherwise super-painful/irritating scenarios. But it has ALSO kept me from meeting men, semi-permanently, b/c it’s like hen’s teeth finding a man who wants what I want, without getting with super-religious types that aren’t a match for me, for other reasons.
I REGULARLY turn down marrieds and fun-and-dones, with varying degrees of reluctance, mind you! But because it’s been years of this and I feel truly torn and worn down, I feel somewhat stuck and ambivalent about keeping it up. I’m thinking I may be too extreme and rigid to only date commitment minded guys and shoo away those that are not. Maybe I should *literally* open myself up to a shag (or many) now and then — not with a married man though, to be clear.
Thanks in advance for letting me air out and process some thoughts and feelings and experience that make not much sense at present. I would LOVE some insights that would help me sort out the extent to which I’m with Nat or not on this one.
I agree with you on the “weeding out” process in the early stages. If the guy says anything like “looking for fun” “not sure what he’s looking for” “see what happens”, bail without going on any more dates if you’re looking for serious relationship in general. Because no point. After that it’ll take as long as it takes to really get to know each other and determine the potential of you two.
“Let’s just go with the flow” is a phrase that also grates my nerves and sends me running for the hills. I’ve often told men who lobby this position, “I am going with the flow, my flow.” Interesting how that flow only goes one way.
Chacha, Beks: I agree! Sometimes they say it all run together: “I just want to have fun, go with the flow, see what happens.” Anything other than point blank: “I’m looking for a wife” or opening with “I really want to take the time to get to know you” is probably a no.
I had a really good, older, male friend who was married that I NEVER got in trouble with, imagine that — to whom I would share my dating woes. He would always tell me, “What about the fun factor? Just have fun, you are way to serious about all this stuff and maybe you are scaring men.”
I always told him that the concept of “fun” for a man is far different from “fun” for a woman, and I said that I didn’t want to be a “fun girl” for an extended period of time. He didn’t get it — but he is a good guy and doesn’t see women as toilet paper (you know, to sh%% on). Finally struck gold on wife #3, mind you, who was much older than him, bonus!
And . . .thanks for backing me up on those points.
Misspriss
No! Do not settle for a shag. He’ll get what he wants and you’ll feel dirty, used. While I’m not religious in the Christian sense, we Traditional Native chix hold ourselves to a high standard and honor our bodies as something sacred. Yes, many men on line say they’re looking for Ltrs because that’s what us serious chix want to see, and some men do too but just plain cannot function in a relationship due to life choices or mental illness. I don’t know where you live or what sites you are on but I strongly suggest meeting folk IRL rather than on line. To avoid the seriously religious, how about Universalist (UU) or Quaker events/gatherings. Folk with good peaceful values without the dogma. In my region of the West and my age group anyway, on line really is a compendium of folk that cannot cut it in the real dating world. A frustrating and expensive waste of time.
Oh WOW, I could just cry, Noquay, thank you.
I am 1/16th Native but that little bit is SO STRONG, I tell you and knowledge and respect of even that little bit makes it hard to live in Western thought and ways which are mostly destructive and commandeering to the spirit. That’s fundamentally what I think is wrong with “dating” — how to do it and keep your soul intact.
I have *never* heard or read that about Native women’s culture! Which people forget is highly matriarchal. The tribes are these days very protective so I recognize the stuff about close to nature,etc., but what you said sounds like things deep in the culture shared with mothers to daughters and among women close friends. So deeply, thank you, thank you for sharing that information on this type of level.
I’ll try Quakers and Unis as well — never heard that either, thanks so much.
Misspriscilla, big hugs to you. I feel your pain and I cannot stress to you enough that keeping company with dogs will eventually give you fleas…every time you allow yourself a casual tryst it slowly erodes your self esteem and it will make it even harder to recognize an emotionally available man. Don’t do it!! I believe Nat has covered this in Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
Yeah, fleas bite and are impossible to get rid of even after a good, long hot bath. Thanks. *sigh*
After seeing someone for 1 month, do you think that’s too soon to move in together? My neighbors girlfriend moved in that soon and brought her 16 year old daughter with her. The guy she moved in with just so happened to dump me after a 2 year 8 month relationship. We did not live together, nor would I after getting to know him. He used me for sex and money as it was. Do you think that’s what is all about between him and her also??
I don’t think it’s any of your concern, to be honest. Your relationship with that person ended. Move on, learn the lessons, don’t allow yourself to be used. Somewhere inside of you, you would have known you were being used – why was that okay for two years and eight months? That’s what you should be looking at, not what he’s doing and with whom now that he’s not with you.
Hey Jam,
I wouldn’t waste time torturing yourself about his swift cohabitation with the new girlfriend. As BlueLagoon said, it’s not your business – and you will never find out why he allowed her in and not you.
In answer to your question, yes I think it’s a bit too soon to move a partner in after 1 month, but I have seen friends of mine meet a guy and move in after a matter of weeks too – so it really depends on the people involved. A close friend of mine fell pregnant after 1 month, married within 6 months and moved to USA 2 months later! In less than a year, her entire life changed for the better, and they’re still happily married now. Sometimes you just meet your match and everything falls into place.
But we have to exercise patience and wait our turn.
It seems like it´s getting harder the older I get. I keep reading this wonderful, sense making blog…but obviously not enough. Last weekend I hurt myself by being too quickly with my first date – after a great day we ended up in bed. It felt right in the moment and I had a strong desire being close to this guy that I eventually fast forwarded. Next morning was awkward. We are both not used to ons. It was way too quickly for the both of us. And even though we agreed on taking it slowly and getting to know each other I find it hard to do. How can I start with that without scaring him away since women tend to be ready more quickly, how I can start without getting to crazy and fast forward again? I would like to give myself and him one more chance. And agree. Online dating is tough..
Hanni, from my vantage point I feel you are being too hard on yourself. There were two consenting adults in that bed. Maybe its just my ultra-feminist point of view or something but I get really weary of the feeling that I’m some kind of POS for succumbing to my desires when the man that was ALSO going too fast gets cold feet and starts marking me down for it. Why in this day and age are women still feeling like WE are a problem and the men get a free pass for the same behavior? Hanni, you are beautiful and desirable and he moved at exactly the same speed you did. If that scares him off then he’s not progressive enough to be with you. I don’t feel you have anything to be ashamed of.
Beks, thank you so much for your self confident words. I often hear that a woman should have more self control than a man and to a certain extent I started to believe it. At the moment it is hard for me to distinguish between whether I delude myself or whether I am too hard on myself. Fact is it was not worth it. I had a wonderful day and night but weeks or even months of uncertainty and regret to follow since I want a serious relationship but obviously have no clue how to behave in order to be in one. Not to mention that I have a slight chance of being pregnant since we had an accident with the condom. To me he does not seem to care. Fact is it is so much easier to get away for men…worst case is I would be a single mum and he would be back on the dating website. In the end…succumbing for your desire so quickly is not worth it if you crave for real love…even if you have been single for quite some time.
Go no contact (NC). The man is emotionally unavailable (you even said he does not seem to care). A man who is emotionally available does not bail after sex at any point, even if it seems “rushed.” His backwards moonwalk is about making sure no one gets attached, emotionally, particularly not you.
Briefly — this is part of why I have gone on (and on. . .and on . . .) with the thing about no sex with non-commitment minded men. B/C the situation you described is what happens, regardless of when the sex is.
I say: Don’t beat yourself up about “rushing” — he would have behaved the same way if you “waited” — and possibly been more hurt b/c of the “investment” and “potential.”
I hope it will be somewhat easier to cut your losses early.
Also? The advice I got is, don’t spend the day with a man with whom you are not in a committed relationship. Don’t do anything that creates a sense of intimacy when that is impossible, due to lack of time, long distance, etc. etc.
Sorry.
mispriscilla, thank you. I deleted his number, messages etc. the moment I read your note. One thing I have been good at is the NC rule. It is hard but I always find the dignity to never contact again. Thank you also for the last advice. Not to spend the day with a man who I am not in a committed relationship with because this creates too much intimacy. Thank you for helping me see things more clearly. I guess I have to get some of my things in order and take the discovery phase for what it is. Much love.
A short update, since this might help some BR readers. I decided to contact him via short text. My message was basically telling him that his actions were not of respect, courage nor care. I wrote he is not able to take responsibility and not able to face conflict & critics.
I felt a big relief after this, I did not care about him answering or not. There was nothing that he could make up again for his past wrong behavior, he could not hurt me more. He answered straight back with a long text ( sign of EUM) telling that he was “reflecting” which led to his silence. He wasn´t worried about me being pregnagt because of this and that ( it was a huge stress for me) and that he actually is interes´ted in me but could not see us together…basically it was all about him. Him and his feelings. But he will get in touch as soon he sorted himself out and is sure about me. It is not even frustrating. These men start to bore the hell out of me. It is all the same. I literally rolled my eyes while reading his texts. Just to make sure and not making him hopes, I asked him to never contact me again.
What I learned: Please please do take care of yourself, love yourself and take your time getting to know someone because people are very well able to hide their EU at first. Don´t let them drag you in their emotional hell.
Oh this is a good post! I met a guy about 10 years ago through a friend. He acted shy at first and told me “he never knows when a girl likes him”. Yeah right. I fell for that completely . Off and on for these many years we have become super close to one another and have blurred lines (no hooking up). He future fakes saying he wants to, and “what would u do if I came over and stayed the night out of the blue?” . He is a man that has not had good relationships and is in a bad one now. I know, I have met her. He also tends to rub people the wrong way so I unfortunately am the Florence nightingale and always try to boost that ego of his and help when he is upset. He suffers from some medical conditions that don’t allow him to work at times. I’ve always been by his side and I was stupid to think he would finally see the light and just be with me. The other side to this is that my other male best friend knows nothing about the very close friendship I have with this man. He cannot stand him and knows how selfish he can be. I would lose my other male friend if he ever found out that we were close — so I have had this secret for many years. Things have turned a bit within the past year. I’m starting to see who he really is under that EU AC mask — he is selfish and it’s all about him and never me. I do not trust him anymore and that’s so sad. He changed, not me… he turned into someone I don’t know. My biggest annoyance is him not texting me back? How do you gals deal with that? He says he will come over — never shows up. He texts and asks a favor — disappears. If I ever did that he would lose his mind. I have to remind myself that I am not in a relationship with this man but he has told me that he does have feelings for me. I don’t know if I even believe that now. He’s charming, attractive, and a hell of a future faker and I need to figure out where I drop him off so I can restart MY life. He consumed it for 10 years. How do I look at other men without comparing them to him?
Fire,
It sounds like any man would come out more favourably in a comparison to him! If any come out worse, then run. Fast.
It doesn’t sound so much like he changed, but that you are just beginning to see him for who he really is, rather than who you want him to be. You haven’t even said much about him, and it already sounds like he sucks.
FireNice
Folk that don’t return texts within a reasonable amount of time, don’t show up, disappear aren’t allowed to constipate my life, period. Narcboy, the dude that lead me to BR in the first place used to pull this crap all the time, often volunteering to help without being asked and still friggin didn’t show up, including the time my car was stuck in bad weather and I had to get to class. It’s almost a dumba$$ game to keep you on your toes; screw that. You expunge him from your life by dumping him and staying no contact. Ten years is a very long time.
Kind of an addendum to my post that has a lesson for all of us: was feeling the blues about my life overall right now and found out a friend had died last Saturday of a heart attack. Yes, he’d died doing what he truly loved and his passing was swift. He was only 70, I say only as I will be there in a mere 14 years myself and he came from a line of folk who lived into their 90’s. The lesson; this is NOT a dress rehearsal. We have one shot at life, time runs out a little each day. That time is too precious to piss away on folk or places that do not or cannot treat us with love, care, respect. Live each day as though it were your last as it may well be.
Thank you for sharing that Noquay, and my condolences to you on the passing of your friend. I’ve recently lost someone dear to me, and it definitely made me sit up and appreciate my life that much more. 🙂
This says it all… time is short as I know and any person (not just these men we r struggling with), are not worth our health over. Breathe in, breathe out…. I have a piece of artwork by a London Based graffiti artist named Banksy. It is the girl with the red balloon. Behind her on the wall it reads, “There Is Always Hope.” So true.
@crystal and Noquay – thank you for your comments. I guess I didn’t say much because looking back over our past, there hasn’t been much substance. A lot of flirting, PG 13 stuff, future faking about hanging out, going here, there… when I first met him I asked him over for dinner and he declined. I asked him to go out on my boat (yes I can drive a boat!), and he always had excuses. I’ve given this man a lot of MY time when he needed me. When I need him , he isn’t there. If I was sick, needed a ride…. nope. But yet he would call me while traveling asking me to look up directions for him because he was lost and needed to know where a gas station was. Really? Seriously? I was fooled for so long thinking I could change him and he would act different if he left his GF and we finally were together. No way. He won’t change at all. When he sees me he lays on the charm and is very tough to resist!! Kind of like that expensive new wine you just have to try! I stay away from him, but he sneaks up and I want a little sip, but then I feel bad. I feel bad because deep down i know this is not going to work out – ever. My anger towards him relates to the fact that he actually upset me so much that I had a medical issue and I couldn’t drive for almost a year. He was NOT worth it. Does he know about this? No. He knows I was sick, but did he ever offer to give me a ride or help me out? No. He just knew I had other people that cared and so he backed off. I’m tired of him scooping me back up and acting like I’m the best thing ever and he sees me in his future — he is right, I AM the best thing ever and it’s his LOSS. He’s lucky I even took all of this crap for so many years. His excuses and random times of silence says it all…. time for me to go NC. Ive got this !!:)
Hi FireNice,
This guy is definite (and permanent) No Contact material. Just look at how all this has drained you emotionally, that’s completely unhealthy for you (physically too) and can’t continue. Be strong. If you start to waver, come back to your BR ‘sisters’ and we’ll give you more reasons to ‘stay the course’.
NO man is worth that (not for a few WEEKS much less over several years). Your time and energy are too precious to put your life on hold, feel sorry for him, make excuses for his bad behaviour or (worst of all) try to change him (can’t be done). Life really is too short to be doing with any of that!
Be good to yourself. 🙂
Pffft. You have a boat, don’t be bothered with his mess. I’d be on my boat all the time, if I were you. Have boat, will travel. That’s your reason to stay the course. Don’t even wave back to the shore b/c that’s where he is, somewhere. Pffft.
This! This this this. Screw him. I’ll take a trip on your boat with you. And we will have no mind games, just lots of FUN! 🙂
FireNice,
“I AM the best thing ever and it’s his LOSS.”
Please keep repeating this to yourself over and over and over, until you actually start to believe it. Once you believe this, you will start to live it – by putting yourself, you health and your well-being before any POS dude like the one you mentioned!
The audacity of the creep to treat you like that?!! I’m seriously pee’d off for you! But I’m more concerned about the fact that you accepted this behaviour for so many years. That says to me that you’re not really truly loving YOU. If you did, that assclown wouldn’t have had the chance to mess you around like that. FACT.
Cut the dead weight, read more of Natalie’s blogs (life changing), and come speak to your friends here on this forum if you ever feel your resolve weakening with him. Like Michele F says, he’s not worth your time, energy or emotions. He knows exactly what he’s doing – he’s had you dangling on a string for too long, and that must end TODAY.
You deserve so much more than that… 🙂
I have been dating a man for 2.5 years and increasingly sense that he does not see a future with me albeit that he is not making any actual moves to leave. He is proper single and there are no exes lurking in the bushes. I have grown to love him but I feel that, if anything, he has gone in the other direction. He no longer ever tells me that he loves me. He has said that he does not to want live with me, citing money worries (he has his own business and while he is doing alright at the moment it is not secure). But I am not seeing any attempt to figure out how we could make it work. I have never met any of his family although they live locally. He is kind enough to my kids but interacts minimally with them. He phones and texts me every day and we see each other Saturday night through Sunday, when my kids are away. We go on short holidays from time to time. That’s all he seems to want. My time is very precious – I have a very demanding job and my kids need a lot of input (the elder one has certain issues as well as medical condition). I struggle to keep up with everything. Sometimes I feel that although I love spending time with him, I would be better spending that time more productively especially if there is no future for us. I would miss him so much though. I don’t have much of a support network. Just totally at a loss with this.
to Mymble:
I understand how you feel. I once spent 7 (seven!) years on such a guy! Even after 7 years he was not ready. Guess what happened next – I left him and he got married within 6 months after our breakup.
When he says he is not ready – perhaps it means he is not ready for you. Or perhaps you have been ‘too nice’ about the whole waiting thing?
IF you need additional boost and guidance on what to do: http://beluckyinlove.net/when-he-says-he-is-not-ready/
Unfortunately if you do not change anything – nothing will change. You either put your foot down or you need to start dating again. I understand you got used to him and he became part of your life… but it is just a habit. You can find someone else to feel comfortable with.
Dumping him may feel like removing a tree with a large root system but this is the only way to move things forward. In other words, you are blaming him for being ambivalent but you are the one who is ambivalent. He is CONTENT and you are NOT. Do something about it!!
Monica,
I have been having such thoughts myself. I have a history of such relationships ..years…and years… and years of drifting along in relationships that were exclusive, kind and respectful (with nice men) but going nowhere. I don’t actually think I would bother dating or looking for anyone else, I think I’d rather focus on my kids, my job, my hobbies and my house. All are in need of attention. It’s the TIME I spend with him, that ticks me off. And as I am realising as I write this, the way we spend the time is controlled by him, his likes and dislikes. He has such a long list of dislikes.
Hi Love Yourself,
Had a read of the website you recommended, thanks. Some good (and funny) stuff on there. Check it out ladies.
Sorry, it was Love Yourself not Monica. He has never actually said he was “not ready”.
Recently I’ve dated men who get too involved too fast. One said “is it too soon to say I love you” – it was the 3rd date. Yes dude, way too soon. It’s like they want to rush past the dating phase to be in a relationship. I see it as very unhealthy behavior and end things. It feels like they just want to be with someone, anyone so they don’t feel so alone. I get that, but I don’t want to be just anyone with a warm body. Just had to put it out there that men do it too, it’s not a good look on anyone. Honestly I felt insulted that they would say that when they didn’t even know me. It is just so obvious that it wasn’t even about me, it was about them and what they needed. It’s like “substitute any willing girl here”. no thanks, I don’t exactly feel special or even seen really. anyway, just agreeing with the post, you do need to actually get to know someone for many reasons.
I should have added that the next guy was more complicated and we dated much longer, but he said it and it felt too soon too. We had dated a short time, then just booty call very sporadically, then dated other people, before he said he wanted to date me seriously. It was a few weeks into this dating period that he said he was in love with me. I felt like, we barely knew each other even though we had kind of been seeing each other for 4 months. Because it was only a few actual dates, it seemed not real.
Natalie- again you are so spot on! I have been in a ‘relationship’ for the past 6 months- and all the red flags were there but I just couldn’t wrap my gut feeling around things and just be truthful to myself on what was happening. It dawned on me that he was future faking (he came back into my life after I had cut him off – I feel so stupid for trusting him and allowing him to screw me over for the umpteenth time!:P) He wasn’t capable of being in a emotionally available relationship then, and he still isn’t now. I tried to ignore my fears but his actions confirmed things when I tried to ask him where I stood and where this was going. I beat myself up about things because I went through the phase of being so afraid to rock the boat and raise up questions when deep down I was screaming in my head spotting all the glaring signs!
When I finally found the courage to raise my questions, he completely ignored me and started to act as if everything is as normal. He was the first to say he loves me and even talked about settling down and getting married and we had gotten into so many fights because I felt pressured and that he was trying to rush into things and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I told him that things needed to unfold naturally and we still needed to figure out if we were even compatible in the first place. We had dated previously within the 9 years we’ve known each other- which he had popped in and out of my life under the guise of him being a good friend.
When we got in touch again recently (he initiated) , I was far from flattered really, and for a split moment I did ask myself ‘why me?’- there must be something about me that made him come back for the 3rd time to pull the same B.S he had from before. (Previously, I had just told him to F**** off with his attitude and emotionally unavailable behavior).
I can’t believe I fell for it the 3rd time- it almost seems so unreal. From him saying he wanted to meet my family (which he did) and proposing and talking about marriage and kids. It all seemed too good to be true, and now I realise it was all along.
He just found me because he had this imaginary image in my head that I would be the one to go along on his ride of future faking- without him having to put in the hardwork and go through the normal landmarks of an actual healthy, emotionally stable relationship!
I gave him a chance and said that we needed to get to know each other again – but then I found myself right back to where I was 9 years ago! The same familiar feeling that he was shutting me out and I was going through the frenzy of trying to figure out what the hell I did wrong, and him disappearing on me and such or changing his behavior whenever I tried to raise important questions about our relationship.
The thing that was obvious was when his words didn’t match his actions and that he became increasingly inconsistent as time went by! He went from calling daily/texting (no matter how busy he got he found the time) and then he switched to ignoring my texts/calls, or he would answer and tell me he would call me back or get back to me but then give me radio silence.
I feel like the whole 6 months didn’t happen-it was just a bad dream that I have just woken up from!!!
Sara- I feel deeply for you as u can see I wasn’t in an actual relationship, but it could have been because of how close we were for so many years. Mine does the same thing – future fakes when I tend to withdraw from his bullsh*t. He gets scared and pulls me back in because as u said, he doesn’t want to put the effort into someone else he already has me trained. He used to text me constantly in the beginning and even use a Bluetooth headset so he could have me “ride along” with him. Now I get less than crumbs.
To prove what Natalie and allll of these others are saying (and they are right, as well as some of the most caring ladies ever..!), mine texted me last week saying he was on a business trip but needed an important document from my office .(he can’t get it anywhere else). He has a certain time frame to fill it in and return. Well the time is up tonight. He had said he would be back from the trip today and would be into my office to sign etc. do u think he has contacted me? Do u think he even replied to a text I sent telling him I had other meetings to go to so if he could tell me when he would be by… no. And he won’t. He won’t show up… the elevator doors will open and he will not be onboard at all. He just lives in his selfish world where it’s all about him. So Sara, you are not alone. The frustrations they put us through are unbearable but you have to find a way to heal– and to move forward because you are NOt worth this mans time. I am so badly trying to , and I slip up… I’m going back to NC. I suggest you do as well. Good luck 🙂
I find that the constant confusion from these men, in terms of confusing me, is just exhausting. Damn exhausting. Mine won’t reply to a text because he is upset about something. But yet I receive a random photo today showing he had salted,sanded,shoveled my drive for me. I tried to call him to thank him and he sent me to voice mail. I texted him saying I wish he would stop by and I would thank him… nope. No answer . How irritating and confusing ! What game is this??