One of the reasons why so many people find dating daunting is because dates are treated like a gamble where we’ve extended a level of trust and are waiting to see how much return we get back. The more dates we feel that we’ve ‘lost’ too much to, is the twitchier we get about dating, prompting anxiety due to falling for the sunk cost fallacy–believing that we’re supposed to at least ‘get back’ what we put in and as a result, trying to recoup costs that are in actuality, the cost of getting involved and are already ‘done’.
What’s driving much of the anxiety along with a sense of being almost being ‘duped’ if a date or few doesn’t progress, is this underlying belief that if someone isn’t relationship material, that this is something that we believe that we should know almost immediately but also that a date should show their hand immediately.
There can be signs that a person isn’t relationship material or that they don’t share core values (demonstrated through action), or that we quite simply aren’t into them, from pretty soon into the proceedings, but it takes time and experience regardless of any impressions, stated intentions, or feelings felt, to know whether someone truly is loving relationship material or the person for us.
We might get a sense of it, but people and relationships unfold and so rather than making a snap judgement and rigidly sticking to it regardless of what happens next, we have to be open to getting to know and understand people, with the caveat being that some won’t even make it past a date or few, regardless of how good a time we think we’ve had with them.
It won’t be one thing that makes someone ‘it’; it will be a series of things. Even if we see what we think is an indicator of potential early on, as the relationship unfolds, we won’t have to carry on as if it was a UFO sighting that we’re now trying to get them to verify by attempting to make them demonstrate the behaviour or intentions that we haven’t seen again.
If our impression was on point, it will be converted into a fact due to it being consistently demonstrated over time.
Believing that we ‘should’ know immediately is a trap because ultimately, we’re living by a [faux] rule that has no basis.
It’s unrealistic to expect us to have world class detective skills, able to tell at a glance or certainly within the time it takes to have a drink and maybe a meal, whether somebody is Mr or Miss Right. It’s not a skill that we need to develop because there is no getting around the fact that we need to be vulnerable and show up if we want to get to know others and to be known.
We’re only putting the pressure on us to play Columbo because we’re on some level scared of getting things wrong and intimacy.
It’s also unfair to get mad at ourselves and others because they didn’t turn around and tell us from the outset, ‘Baby, I’m gonna give you X amount of dates and we’re going to have a good time and then you’re not gonna hear from me again / it’s gonna fizzle out / I’m gonna go back to my ex / I’m going to turn into an assclown’. Not gonna happen.
Having a good time on a date isn’t an automatic precursor to more dates nor does it mean that we’re in it for the same reasons or that we can pat ourselves on the back, safe in the knowledge that if any problems were going to show themselves, that it would have by now.
Going on the first or a few dates looking for red flags or what I call code amber and red alerts and not getting any, doesn’t mean that there won’t be in future. It doesn’t mean that there will but what it does mean is that unless you have a pattern of crossing your own boundaries and entering into questionable situations from the outset where you ignore feedback that you’re getting from your own body, mind, and emotions or from that person’s actions (or lack of them), you need to chill out and let your sense of self including your boundaries, do the work.
It’s unrealistic to expect fast confirmation of there being no red flags or to expect that what we’ve seen so far should be a permanent statement of the future.
People and relationships unfold.
If you are fairly certain about who you are, are not investing your entire self-esteem into every date in a do-or-die fashion, and you’re someone who is willing to recognise that dating is more about filtering out while having fun along the way than it is about trying to make a relationship fly with every person who expresses interest or who you feel attraction to, you will take your time in getting invested.
You will still undoutedly feel a level of disappointment if someone who you felt as if you got on with, never calls again or it fizzles out, but due to your boundaries, you won’t have been attached to the outcome nor will you be beating you up for having ‘screwed up’, as if you botched the job of a lifetime with an employer.
Trust is a gamble. We have to gamble on ourselves and we also have to gamble on others in order to access benefits and resources that we couldn’t on our own. As we don’t know someone we go on a date with and we’re only getting to know them, it’s too much to carry on as if we’re taking this massive risk but also as if our whole being is on the line if we ‘get it wrong’. This is what creates anxiety and makes dating so stressful.
If we embrace healthy boundaries for us, we don’t need to be hypervigilant because we can relax and enjoy our relationships and experiences, safe in the knowledge that when we experience discomfort, we’ll act, and that when how we see things isn’t how they turn out to be, we’ll adjust and learn from it.
Your thoughts?
Want the lowdown on how to recognise a loving partner? Check out my new book, Love, Care, Trust & Respect.
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Natalie you are a hazard to my health girl. Your UFO line had me laughing hysterically while hiccuping and eating dinner. Love it. So true. I think we can get stuck because we blame ourselves for being “wrong” about the person when they turn out to be different than what we thought or assumed. It’s our “fault” so we deserve the situation. But oh course we don’t.
Natalie,
The timing of this is so perfect, and I thank you! I just got back into the dating game after a three year hiatus. I have been so anxious about making bad choices, that I have been having a hard time relaxing in knowing that I can trust myself as things unfold. Also, red flags were obvious early on with all the guys I went out with, but I found myself doubting my own judgment. Turns out I was spot on every time. I’ve also called them out, ended things, and then found myself feeling bad about it afterward. I’m definitely experiencing some growing pains in getting back out there. Thank you again for all you do!
Tiffany
Got together with this guy to go for a walk at the park, chatted in person, by phone and text and had scheduled the next couple meet ups until we were at a coffee shop talking and a woman with a big butt came in and he literally stared at her butt the ENTIRE time she was in line, as she waited for her drink and once she was fixing it to her liking. It was astounding his commitment to stare at her butt while sitting with me! Lol. I can laugh to myself because i had 0 commitment to him, he unfolded. But certainly i lost respect for him and when she left he brought up our plans for the next day and i said those are cancelled, i did not explain further because he knew why. Later he text me saying “i hope we are good and if it wasnt that it would have been something else”. Strange comment i thought but i said we are good and did a winking emoji.
Unless it’s something very blatant such as someone being totally inappropriate, not having the slightest resemblance to photos, rude behavior or speech, most red flags do take time to suss out. Financial situation/responsibility, family issues, health issues unless severe, whether you’re on the same page; these things can take months, even years to find out. Also, some folk deliberately misrepresent who they are to reel you in, get attention; no fault of yours. After a year and a half, I see some amber flags in my current rship regarding level of long term commitment, lifestyle differences. I am aware of them. As I don’t intend to remain in this area longer than 1-2 years, I am not willing to get “out there” while here, as quality older men are very hard to find. I am aware of my doubts but live with them. A relationship leading to marriage/cohabitation is not possible here given my values and lifestyle. As Tiffany alluded to, we tend to ignore the red flags we see. I would say we tend to ignore our gut because often we can’t say exactly why someone makes us uneasy. Stepping back, paying attention, not investing emotionally are good courses of action until “it” becomes clear. I often chastised myself for snap judgements of folk that gave me the whimmies, potential partners, family, and community folk. Turned my feelings were spot on though the reasons often took a lot of time to surface.
Slightly off topic, except it does involve dating as a crap-shoot.
About 15 years ago, I joined an informal making friends and/or dating site and met several pleasant but not very interesting people.
But one I met in person will make the lousy date record books.
The details are not that important, but kind of funny: She wore a ton of cheap cologne, and she was dressed in all black cowboy clothes, pointy black cowboy boots and a big rodeo belt buckle. She was new to Texas so I figured she was trying out “the look.” Texans don’t dress like that unless they actually work on a ranch or the rodeo is in town, but I didn’t mention it because I didn’t really care–she was oafish and nothing would have suited her potato shaped body.
We ordered dinner and she monopolized the conversation, talking about how horrible her ex was. After 45 minutes, she finally took a breath and I jumped in and said, “You realize, I hope, that talking non-stop about your ex on a first date is sort of a guarantee that there’s not going to be a second date, right?” I smiled. She sort of chuckled and apologized. Then she started right back in on the ex, while noisily sucking the brains out of her heads-on shrimp. Who eats the freaking brains out of a shrimp head? It was gross and the slurping noise didn’t help.
I butt in. “When did your relationship end, anyway?”
“Eight years ago,” she replied.
I was so repulsed I didn’t bother to challenge the absurdity of this dud’s self absorption and obliviousness to her dining partner’s stifled yawns and frequent watch checking.
As we left the restaurant, she said, “Before you go, you have to see my car. It’ so hot you’ll want to marry me.”
I looked at my watch and said, “Yeah, okay, but let’s see it quickly because I have to go.”
It was a red, late model Mustang. It was basic model–nothing you don’t see in any parking lot. It certainly did not put me in a mood to shake hands with her, much less marry old brain breath.
She said, “Hey, I’m glad we met because I’m moving into a new house and it’s a two story and I need help moving some heavy furniture upstairs.” By then I was beyond bored and slipping into intense dislike.
I said, “Sorry, I’m not a mover but you can find lots of them in the phone book.”
When I got home, I changed the contact name for her phone number to “No Thanks,” in case she ever called again, I’d know not to answer.
It joined the others, “No way,” “Ixnay”, “OMG no!” “Mustache,” etc.
Flash forward to last week, when a personal ad sort of caught my eye.
We exchanged a few e-mails and the woman’s punctuation and grammar were fairly good, but she seemed not to have much of a sense of humor. I was still mildly curious though, so I said, “Your picture gets mine.”
An amber light came on when she said, “I prefer to get to know someone from the inside, first, and if I like that, then we can meet and see for ourselves what we look like.”
I said, “No offense, but I’m not going to exfoliate, do my hair, iron clothes, put on makeup and drive to some restaurant in the suburbs, only to discover a gargoyle sitting there. You know how the Internet is.”
She acted like she didn’t mean no pic exchange before meeting (although that is exactly what she said), so instead she said, “Oh no, of course we’d exchange pictures before meeting in person.”
I was already getting the creeps, so I said, “Look, let’s dispense with the traditional x days of e-mail, then x days of texting, then a phone call. Here’s my number, call me if you feel like it.”
About 15 minutes later, my phone rang.
The caller ID said, “No Thanks.”
ROTFLMFAO!!
That was the funniest thing I read today! Thanks for the laugh, Karen!
Karen
That was freekin hysterical…omg…
We need these laughs in the minefields of half wits. I’ve just done a nightshift and will now have my shoulders shaking with pmsl as I fall asleep.
Thank you…I could turn at your awesomeness 😉
This slots in nicely with the discussion we were having yesterday (Nat’s recent blog about People Pleasing), where another woman who had been on several dates with a guy (who she thought things were going well with), and he dropped out after date no.5, so she wanted to text him to conclude matters on her terms.
Behaviours such as ghosting or catfishing, although deeply disappointing/frustrating/hurtful, no longer upsets me like it used to. I appreciate that there are a lot of messed up people in the world and not all of them behave like me or have the same approach to dating or life, as I do. That’s fine. I can accept that, but I don’t have to entertain it, or live with the belief that this is the norm whilst dating. It’s just plain rude.
What irks me the most about it is the disrespectfulness of the action. It takes a special kind of person to mislead/deceive/lie to you for several weeks only to pull a Houdini out of nowhere. Seriously dude? That in itself tells me he’s not the right one for me, because any man I settle with needs to have a pair a balls for starters.
I am reaching out to the BR community. I have been obsessed for the last 14 hours reading all I can about people who lack empathy.
My ex and I are/were physically fit. He was diagnosed with Stage 3 colorectal cancer two years into our relationship. As I should have, I spent a quick minute grieving the diagnosis before embarking on a treatment plan. As we should have, we worked with through the initial treatment of chemotherapy and radiation. He then had to have surgery to remove all of the tumor, 39 lymph nodes and then ostomy surgery for an ostomy bag so that his body could heal from having so much of his colon removed.
During his hospital stay, I slept in his hospital room for 7 of 8 nights. Whilst in the hospital, I learned how to change his ostomy bag, picked up ostomy supplies and stayed with him for two straight weeks while he regained the strength to walk and drive. I never flinched. I maintained love, affection and support through all of this. Literally, I was as loving and optimistic about our partnership as if we had just started dating.
As this was all happening, I was not able to compete and focus on being my best athletic self. Despite his illness, I never lost my love and affection for him. However, during these six months of battling his cancer, I quit focusing on my racing career. Thus, my body was no longer as “lean and mean” as it was. I had not gained weight but I was “softer”; (no where near as “fit” and experiencing a loss of confidence because I was not practicing self care because I was devoting time to the cancer treatments).
Fast forward to his second round of chemotherapy.
During the “off week” (no chemo/just blood work), I was feeling self conscious and not very attractive. I shared this with him. I specifically asked him to “kiss me like he missed me”. I asked him to hold me, even if he did not feel sexual, to “please, just touch my skin like a lover would”.
He flat out rejected not only my request but he derided me for “being needy”.
He rolled over and went to sleep. …..
I was deeply hurt and extremely frustrated by his callous response that I lost my temper, became loud and used more than a few curse words. I left his apartment the next morning (12/23/2106). From that morning up to January 1, 2017 he sent several pleasant text messages such as “the weather is good”, birthday wishes to me, “hope you are enjoying yourself’ and the like. He never mentioned anything like “Merry Christmas”, “I am missing you” or this last fight.
This was the fourth time in two and half years that I had come to him for a type of emotional haven that you would only ask of a partner.
The first was when I was crying very hard because we were going to be separated for two months. That time too, seeing me crying very hard, he would not hold me and would not acknowledge my sadness. He instead, went to bed.
In reflecting, maybe this was him unfolding? Maybe I should have admitted to myself that he was not willing to respond to any emotion of mine that was anything less than “happy” and “positive”? After this fourth time in these two and a half years, I realized that eventually I would become resentful. Before this, in all ways, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, and physically I was his partner. The only real issue and subsequent fights we ever had were related to these four times that I reached to him to either assuage my sadness, help me understand his stonewalling reactions, validate me for being disheartened when “the plan” was not “my plan” and this final time when I was feeling insecure about my body.
On January 1, 2017 he messaged me to consider calling him. I did. We were on the phone for 23 minutes discussing the fact that I felt unheard, unimportant and could not continue with the relationship as such. I ended with telling him that I would need at least 6 months to heal.
. He calmly agreed with what I was saying, responded with his opinion that I was “too needy”. Tears started to well up in my eyes. Just to get off the phone, ” I said, “yes, it’s not you. It’s me. I need to feel worthy of your empathy. I quietly hung up the phone. I have not contacted him since.
Yesterday, after 12 days of not NC, he sent an email about how wonderful he thinks I am whilst adding that I need psychological counseling. He wrote that he is “not soft enough to show empathy” to me. He said he would contact me again, probably in late March, when he undergoes surgery to reconnect his colon.
This email has been edited to omit the typical tedium of life whilst still explaining the four moments that led to me deciding that I was not strong enough to maintain a relationship with him.
I am not immune to the grief of accepting that my dream of our life was just that.
Like a moth to a flame, I await any advice to help lead me to the light of indifference for this man.? Is he an EU Assclown? Should I stay “No Contact”? I bought Natalie’s No Contact Book. Please, anyone, please offer up advice.
I am hurting.
Hi dw
You can give and give and give and give and this guy will just keep on taking. You are not needy to expect something back in return and the only one who needs physiological counselling would be him!!! Do not go running back when he needs help with his illness, if you carry on the way you are going then you will be the one who becomes ill due to stress. This is not a healthy two way relationship at all, it is one way – and that way is his. It is definitely not you and you should stay no contact because this relationship is never going to be right for you.
thank you Sandra. really.
thank you very much.
What Sandra said. Plus, it’s very convenient that he gave you a heads-up on when he’s going to impose on you again. Gives you a couple months to get used to No Contact & get strong so you won’t cave when he tries to Vampire you again.
DW, it is saddening to read this.
You can stick with this partner, of which he has given the criteria of the relationship – you won’t get much of what you NEED.
I capitalise this word because it is the thing that encompasses all that we are looking for in healthy, progressive relationships.
It is f*cking hard to walk away from that much time invested. But do what is right for you. There will be ups and downs. Hold onto knowing that you deserve more.
It is so commendable of you to be at your partner’s side. But a truth has been revealed from him. And imagine if you were the one in a dire situation, would he be there for you like that?
Thinking of you in this callous world.
Blessing.
Alx
That’s spot on as usual, Rachel. I wonder why so many people are able to trivialise such outrageously rude and disrespectful dating behaviour. Just no thought for other people’s time, energy or feelings………
Sorry (I’m not really) to anyone who sees this kind of crap as the ‘new normal’ in the dating world these days, I just don’t buy that at all. We’re all meant to be grown-ups (and should be accountable for our own actions).
Michele,
One of the BIGGEST lessons I learned in 2016 was that people do not think like me. I would not “ghost” someone after 5 dates like this guy had done. However, that is me and how I choose to handle situations. What this guy has done is probably what he has always done. It is not personal to you. This is how he operates. Yes, it is rude and disrespectful. But I am sure he will keep behaving in this manner.
I do think the “landscape of dating” has changed with technology and social media. But I also believe rudeness and disrespectfulness have always been present. Just read the blog when people discuss their upbringing in the age without technology and social media. I think this type of behavior is just more “in our face” and easier to portray.
Yes, we are adults and should behave accordingly. But it is not our job to hold other adults accountable. We need to hold ourselves accountable.
Hi CLR,
Oh, I’m quite sure this is his modus operandi and that I am not the first (and won’t be the last) woman he’s done this sort of thing to. Failing some kind of ‘epiphany’ I don’t expect him to change either. It’s unfortunate that it took as long as it did for his true colours to be revealed, I won’t be getting that wasted time back….. On the bright side, since I sent off my message I am no longer thinking about him or trying to understand his behaviour. Yes, inconsistency, lack of communication and lack of respect are all ‘deal breakers’ for me. Don’t think I gave him the impression that I would be cool with any of that, nothing about me says ‘doormat’ or ‘disposable’ so far as I know. And yet………
…… therein lies the issue Michele! When you give these guys no reason to think you’d be a doormat or pushover, and yet they still try to enforce their same shady behaviour on you!
If I’ve been dating someone and I decide after 3-4 dates, that I’m not that into them, I will inform them either face-to-face, via phone call or text because, as much as it might hurt them to hear/read it, at least I’m being honest and not playing games or wasting anyone’s time (especially if he is keen). When a man denies you that chance to have closure, or tries to keep the door open by just disappearing, it’s plain rude, and says a lot more about the man than it does about me.
CLR, whilst it may not be our jobs to hold others accountable for their crummy behaviour, it IS my job to make sure that when I’m presented with a man who exhibits such flaky/cowardly behaviour, I make sure I firmly close that door behind his ghosting arse, and let him know that his presence/attention is unwelcome here in future. If (like they all do) he chooses to ignore this, and decides to pop up 3-6 months later, then I know he’s a bonafide psychopath and I am well within my rights to curse him out for not heeding my initial warning. Will it stop them from doing it again? Probably not. But I will feel better knowing that I’ve enforced my boundaries and prevented another EUM from f***ing with my chi. 🙂
Absolutely right Rachel. Tell it like it is girl!
‘F**king with my chi’. Love that.
Guys like him (and there are depressingly many more where he came from) are ‘professional’ wasters of time and energy. We do need to stand up for our self-esteem when making an ‘exit’. It is for OURSELVES we do this, not in the vain hope of changing ‘Mr Two-Faced’ into a decent, caring human being. That’s truly ‘Mission Impossible’.
This topic is so relevant in my life right now. Thank you for posting! I needed a reminder to take away some of the pressure I put on myself to have all the answers up front, and just try to have fun dating (while still paying attention, of course).
I know this sounds like a clichée but…
I have found that I basically automatically get attached when I sleep with someone (cause I usually only sleep with people I feel emotionally attracted to – potentially even before the actual “dating” process begins). But obviously three dates in is not anywhere near long enough to know someone well.
Ideally, I’d only sleep with someone once I am in a relationship with someone. But I don’t feel this is possible? I’m not religious but it’s more how “I roll”. Yet it seems that if you’re dating a man and don’t sleep with him within 3-4 dates, they are off to greener pastures.
Well possible that they aren’t “the right ones” for me then anyway but – are there any guys who aren’t religious who are willing to wait – without shagging around on the side?
I don’t think I’ve ever actually met a man like that. :/
Scandic, I hope there are!
Scandic,
I believe there are because I have had a three month rule for myself and several have waited. However, those that haven’t have helped me to decide they aren’t that into me as a person just as a shag. Its funny to me, really. Not that I haven’t broken my own rule and gone in sooner but its is almost always worth the wait because it reveals so much.
I’ve bene visiting the site for a few weeks now and I’m always AMAZED and frankly horrified at the similar comments and actions of these ASSclowns. I’ll never get over it! I was with an ASSclowns for 4 months until my suspicions were confirmed when I looked through his phone unbeknownst to him. I knew he didn’t want something long-term but he was a deadly combination of Mr. Bendy, The Shagger, and The Playa and he literally had emotional manipulation down to a science by saying “let’s make a baby,” “let’s buy a house,” “if you’re going to be in my life you need to learn the rules of soccer.” Countless crazy things. Fast Forwarding and his diet of crumbs left me reeling and absolutely crazy. Needless to say that when I found out I was one of the narcissistic harem I was left feeling psychotic. At 28 I’ve been left in a place where I thought I WOULD NEVER EVER be. I’ve always been one to listen to my intuition and take my time—until this. I thought I could avoid being broken hearted. I’m the perfect example of how it can happen to ANYONE! I’m smart with an amazing job and countless degrees and many hobbies and a very close knew group of friends. I’m ashamed to admit that some of these things were sidelined when I was eating the crumbs this a**hole gave me. I’m taking many many many steps to ensure this does not happen again like reading all of Nat’s books, counseling, and getting back to my goals and hobbies full force! When I met this person I was so happy, successful, tip-top shape and I feel he slowly sucked some of that and started becoming even more fit, getting a raise and just doing so many wonderful things in the short time. It’s like a vampire sucking blood and retelling the Pygmalion story! I just wanted to say all of Natalie’s blogs and comments have helped me immensely in dealing with the shame vie been feeling regarding this relationship! Sometimes we need to go through things in order to rise like the phoenix we know WE ARE!
I have never been to a site like this before, but I know I am needing some serious help and I have no idea where to find it.
I have been married for 19 years, and my world is falling apart! I found out my husband had two affairs, one serious one being while I was pregnant with our third child 13 years ago. The problem is I saw the red flags and completely went into denial and thought my husband would never be “that man”. Well, I went and made the problem worse! I started seeing a man at work four years ago. (my husband still does not know and he refuses to talk about his affair) Having an affair was extremely stressful and filled me with guilt…until I would think about what my husband had done to me. I seemed to always justify it, and I thought I had fallen in love with the man from work. Long story short…he was a cheater too. I broke it off with him; however, we still worked together. He became so strange and yet comforting to be around. We worked our way back to being friends, NOT LOVERS, through very open communication. About a year ago my truck broke down and a GPS device was found in it by the machinic. The man I worked with confessed to planting it in my truck and I have never been the same since! I walk around taking care of my children, taking care of my house hold, pretending to have a marriage for the sake of my three kids (even though I have not been intimate with my husband in over three years), and I feel like I have some sort of PTSD. I feel anxious periodically and feel like jumping out of my own skin, but know I can’t for my kids sake. I thought doing something for myself would help, so I went back to school and got my masters degree, but all I can think about is getting out of this marriage and finding some sort of normal life. I feel like I will never trust another man…and really want to be left alone. However, I feel that I can not leave due to my kids and not having the confidence I can support myself financially. I am just so lost! I feel that I live in a world where I just ignore everything except my kids needs. Is this hopeless and I should just accept it???? I feel like I am wasting an amazing life and for what??? Any advice would be more than welcome…even if it’s harsh….I know I am just as guilty as my husband, just don’t know where to go from here.
Leaving must seem very scary, but it looks like the right thing to do. You already have a job which is a great start. Change it up until you are sure you can support yourself.
While you’re getting the financial aspects locked down, getting counselling would be very beneficial too.
And then run towards your amazing life, the one that is being wasted now. Life is too short to go through it unhappy all the time. And if you still can’t manage to take the step for yourself, do it for your kids. They know you’re unhappy–yes they do–and that has a hugely negative effect on them.
They are also learning about relationships from you and your husband. Is this the future you want them to live? Because they will. They won’t know anything else is possible, because this is what they are learning. It is their normal, and they will repeat the actions of their parents, not their words.
Hi PM,
It sounds as if you are at a crossroads. I was married (with kids) for just as long. Not anymore. A big step to take is educating yourself by speaking with one or more recommend divorce attorneys to learn the laws of your state ( if you’re in the US). Know what to expect financially and know what child custody arrangements will most likely be. This step may help ground and focus you because you will get facts. You need to put your energy into YOU. Bring a trusted friend if you have one. My kids have never said they wished we stayed together. They are happy and productive teens-20’s. Living like a zombie in fear and drudgery aka faking it for the kids just delays getting your life back. Sacrificing all of you really is doing NOTHING positive for your kids. Try to see that point of view. You can make changes AND love and support your kids. It’s not one or the other.
Thank you so much! That is great advice and it feels like a good place to start. AND I NEED A STARTING PLACE!!! Thank you for reading and responding!
Pretty good one for me as well. After 3 years of not meeting ANYONE I would want to date, I met a woman at a farmers market I work at. After a few weeks of great conversation, I gave her my number, and she contacted me right away.
We seemed to align in lifestyles very well, and we are from the same music/culture scene which almost seemed too good to be true.
After 3 great dates, third one ended with a lovely full moon kiss, it seemed like I was finally getting what I had always wanted.
Our 4th date we went to a dance music event we had both wanted to go to. We drank too much, danced like maniacs, and went home and dove right into eachother until the early morning. It was wonderful.
However, after the afterglow wore off, I started having the worst anxiety Ive had in years. After 4 days of trying to relax, I realized that it was coming from the fact that I we had went from 2 to 10 in the matter of one date. It was wwwaaaayyyy too much for me to handle, after such a long time alone.
It turned out that she had felt the same, but in this discussion I started probing her about her exs. She didnt want to tell me, then started crying.
I ended getting out of her that she not only had an ex that “wouldnt go away”, AND that she had already met the man that she wants have kids with, but he lives somewhere else.
I thanked her multipe times for telling me, and told her I wasnt going to be able to see her anymore.
A good ending for something that could have gotten ALOT messier.
Its been amost 3 weeks since that night. Im grateful I escaped before I got deeper, but also greatly lament having to meet and loose someone whom I finally had a connection with after such a long time.
Hey Anthony,
You could spend hours dissecting this, trying to find out where you went wrong etc, but the truth of the matter is, some people are only in our lives for a reason and season.
The way she went about engaging you was a bit shady if I’m honest. She sounds like she has a few issues she needs to work through – why would she be dating you if she already knows the man she wants to have kids with??? There’s a whole messy backstory here which she hasn’t told you about, and until she’s dealt with her baggage, the best thing you could’ve done was walk away.
On the plus side, you now know that you are capable of making connections with women! You are able to sustain a romantic courtship with a woman. You also got to have sex and enjoyed it by the sounds of things! Try to hold onto the positive aspects of you meeting this woman, and be thankful you didn’t get more emotionally entwined.
As frustrating as it can be, this is all a part of the process I’m afraid. You met one woman who you had a deep connection, you’ll meet more along the way too. Just remain open to it and don’t let past failures scare you into hiding. 🙂
Hi Anthony,
She sounds like VERY hard work indeed, think you’ve really ‘dodged a bullet’ there. You handled it in a grown-up way, communicating your concerns to her (not simply disappearing). Well done.
I wonder why if someone has serious ongoing issues like that they would decide they’re ready for dating. Surely better to sort your head out a bit before seeing someone new, no?
Yes for sure. Time out for me again for sure
Hi Anthony,
I’m sorry that this happened. It sure would be nice if we could know going in, what the whole story is. You went in with an open heart and allowed yourself to engage in some adult fun. How wonderful that you were able to communicate with her your anxiety that it had gone so fast. Perhaps your honesty and willingness to be vulnerable allowed her to take a look at her own reality? It was a brave move on your part, and how on earth would you know that it would be the end? That just really sucks.
Nice to hear a man with integrity. Refreshing really. Thanks for sharing your story.
I know we all have to be willing to do our own work on being emotionally available, first and foremost, to ourselves. It helps in being able to speak our truth when something feels off. To your own self be true.
Kind regards,
Ahylish
Thank you for your reply.
Reading stories mostly from a womans side always amazes me how men act so poorly.
My casual sex interest disappeared with my last girl (3yrs ago), I thought she was the one.
The idea of jumping into bed with someone is of no interests to me until I feel a connection now. Ive had so much casual sex in my life that its of NO interest to me anymore.
This last girl was 29, Im 38. We actually DIDNT have sex, but many hrs of other things.
She was sort of an introvert like myself, so natually I was surprised when she told me this stuff. Im didnt have the wherewithall to ask her why she even engaged with me to begin with. This fellow she wants to have kids with lives about 14hrs away (we are in Toronto, and he lives much further north) so I dont know what her plans were going to be with him.
I just feel grateful she told me, I could let her go.
Still very much sucks.
Thank you for your replies:)
The only times in my life I have ever had trouble or problems is always bc of a man — and then always bc I ignored my instincts and gut feelings
(aka red flags).
Yes people and situations unfold over time but you always know. I so deeply regret ignoring red flags silencing my inner voice, and sticking it out to see how things go. Dumb dumb dumb. Never again. You always know right away.
I agree
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