We humans love being in control. We fear uncertainty, not being liked, being unable to handle situations, and leaving our [uncomfortable] comfort zones. As a result, we develop habits aimed at influencing and controlling other people’s feelings and behaviour, and controlling our experiences to feel safe. Ironically, this often leads to feeling less in control of ourselves and ‘safe’ but unhappy.

Control is an illusion, and trying to control the uncontrollable only offers temporary relief. It’s a self-depleting activity, acting as reassurance against doubts and fears, which invariably resurface.

If you’ve tried to control the uncontrollable, it’s a form of self-protection. However, shielding yourself from past experiences diverts vital resources to catering to fear instead of love. On some level, you’ve vowed never to go through something again. You’ve decided control, even to your own detriment, is the way forward. This often leads to feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, and victimisation, resulting in more attempts to control – a cycle of ‘lather, rinse, repeat’.

The path to peace is taking command of yourself in a loving way, not trying to control others or the world around you.

For more on authentic, loving relationships, check out my book Love, Care, Trust and Respect.

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