I was speaking with a reader a few days ago who I’ve coached for the past year and she told me that the moment her mentality started to shift and she refocused herself was when I asked her what she truly wanted.
Most women I come across through this blog cannot articulate what they want.
They know what they don’t want and what they think they want, but often their actions and the lifestyle that results from them, is in stark contrast to what they profess to want. More often than not, the reason why they can articulate their dislikes is not because they have put down boundaries and enforced them, but because they are living the life they don’t want.
At some point you have to ask yourself:
What is the point in living the life you don’t want now in the hope that an external party will do a 180 or 360 and give you the life you want at some point in the future?
Why don’t you live the life you want now by taking charge of it rather than delaying happiness to a distant date in the future that may never materialise if you stick with this mentality?
Often we know that we are not happy, but we either don’t know why, we look for reasons to justify sticking with the person because making a change seems rather big and scary, or we stay because we hope that if we talk and think enough that things are bound to change.
But if you truly do want to be happy, you need to stop being in contradiction with yourself. I’ve spoken to women and said “What do you actually want?”
Invariably, most will say variations of “I want to be happy”
I then have to ask, “So you think you’ll be happy with an ex con who went to prison for stalking his ex girlfriend and is still chasing her, sleeping around on you behind your back and disrespecting you?”
“You think you’ll be happy with someone who is allergic to telling the truth? Do you think he’s going to suddenly decide that he likes the idea of being a truthful person?”
“You think you’ll be happy with someone who has repeatedly told/shown you that he is not interested in having a committed relationship with you?”
“You think you’ll be happy with someone who has already left the building and shown you his disinterest by moving on to someone else?”
And I could give many more examples but I won’t.
But it’s not just about who you profess to want, it’s what you profess to want.
You can’t say you want some ‘me time’ and to travel and that you don’t have very much time for a relationship…and then pursue a relationship and wonder why it’s not working.
You can’t say you want to settle down with someone who loves, trusts, cares, and respects you and then get involved with a commitment shy Mr Unavailable who talks a good game, but repeatedly fails to demonstrate true love, care, trust, and respect, and then spend your time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
You also will struggle to find happiness if you don’t personally know how to make yourself happy and don’t even like, never mind love yourself.
The reason why I say this is that when you don’t like or love yourself a lot, you’ll know you’re unhappy, but you will often struggle to articulate why or will believe that if X,Y, and Z happen then voila, you will be happy.
But what you need to realise is that if you don’t address the underlying reasons as to why you are unhappy, particularly if you have felt this way in most of your relationships, you will wake up in your next relationship and realise that unhappiness has travelled with you.
We often try to fill that missing something with a guy and a relationship, as if they can paper over the cracks of our pain and suddenly send our personal value shooting up. A bit like hoping that the people next door who have done work on their home will send the value of your beat up wreck on the up. Only thing is, it’s still a beat up wreck.
What we discover is that in not being very happy with ourselves, we actually take up with partners who exacerbate those very things. We expect to pull in some positivity, but the negative thoughts and beliefs bring drama, pain, ambiguity, and confirmation of the bad stuff packaged up in assclowns and Mr Unavailables.
You also have to recognise that until you grab a hold of yourself and make a conscious effort to intervene on what you have been doing and thinking, you will get caught up in a cycle of saying you are unhappy but not actually doing anything about it, which causes you to become someone who ‘likes’ talking about being miserable – don’t let that be you.
So I ask again, what do you want? What do you really want?
Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Clearly, if you’re not happy and you’ve felt this way for an extended period of time, what you are doing is not working. Remember, you can spend from here to eternity trying to extract change from someone in the hope that it will make you happy, but people don’t change because you demand it of them, and trying to enforce change is a sure-fire sign that all is far from well in your relationship. Your happiness should not rest on someone else because it gives them too much power and you too little responsibility or control for your own happiness.
Have you truly thought about what you want and whether what you are doing, who you are engaging with is allowing you to fulfil your desires, or detract from them?
More in part two and part three where I suggest some ways to help you figure out what you want.
Your thoughts?
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I am really angry with myself at the moment… I have a history of pursuing men who are EUA. I have just had a slip after being single for about 15 months – no dating and taking care of me. I was lonely but I had my self respect and I was setting healthy boundaries and I also verbalized what I wanted from a person. But then some 28 year old guy started flirting with me (I am 35) Usual bad boy (kind of obnoxious) and I had a slip. He text me everyday and showed he was interested and then we ended up going out. We had a great date and I fell for him hook line and sinker (or I fell for an illusion of what I thought he was) plus I was dickmotised. He cancelled on our next date sighting a funeral and I chased after him, I got pissy cause I knew deep in my heart that he was making an excuse. He asked me not to give up on him and would text me everyday (no phone calls) I complained about this too, which irritated him.
I also verbalized that I wanted him to call me and after three weeks I hinted that he was texting me all the time but why was he not calling for a date. He did end up making a date but then didn’t contact me and I ended asking him what was going on… said he was working (that’s all he text me). I ended up cursing him out (had too many cocktails and ended up texting him) then apologized the next two days. He told me not to contact him again, which I did.
Two weeks later I get a text asking me how I was… and when I said I was confused and did not understand why he was contacting me. Told me he still had a crush on me… I fell for it again.
Well I ended up sleeping with the guy. It was awful! He was a one minute man… couldn’t believe that I had abstained for so long and that’s how I decided to end my drought. : ) I told him that practice makes perfect and things would get better.
I was feeling sick two days later and I called and asked he could take me home. I get a text “sorry not home…be carefulâ€. Well because I complained about his response he let me have it. The writing was clearly on the wall. I had pursued something with this guy and something in me was triggered by his ambivalence. Everytime he was dismissive or abrasive I would run back to him, trying to make peace.
Ladies I totally humiliated myself, and I have to be honest a lot of the times that I bitched at him was when I had a drink or two. I have done this before with someone else and I walked away from this person. But I thought I was in control of this situation and now that I have walked away licking my wounds, things have become clearer for me again. I am triggered by men that act like my father. I had a volatile relationship with him and if I challenged him about his behavior he would either hit me or never admit any wrong doing. He would just turn the tables on me, making me feel like sh!t
I will never do this to myself again, I totally let myself down. He was my last jerk (I will never humiliate myself like this again) I also have put down the drink. I stayed off that too for quite some time and I was in control of my reactions. I have run back into my therapists office and I am loving this sight, it has always given me so must insight and strength.
Thank you Natalie x0x0x0
Thank you for this post!! I have only the vaguest idea of what makes me happy. I raised two kids basically by myself while married to a worthless blob who told me that I didn’t matter and wasn’t important (he actually said that to my face)…anyway I was so used to “keep the peace” and putting my kids needs first that I totally lost sight of what makes me happy.
Now 18 months after the divorce I sit here still with no clue. I have just restarted NC with the long distance EUM (married, high school crush) and all I can say is what makes me unhappy.
I can’t wait for your next post and trying to find my way again!
Thanks Natalie!
NML You are really hitting a nerve now…(as usual). Lately with all this soul searching from my latest AC experience, I realize I can’t make a decision about ANYTHING…and that has been a long pattern. I always have to consider what everyone else wants as opposed to what I want. Looking back, I feel like I am living bits and pieces of everyone else’s life at times.
respect – The humiliation and frustration are what we all feel…Forgive yourself. You have recognized your pattern and behavior…try and look forward. Only look back to make sure you do not make the same mistakes!
Guess i am also afraid of the real deal. Have had a couple of nice guys in my life but they were appreciated… i would sabotage the relationship and make them break up with me. I know that i am afraid of revealing the real me…scared of a being rejected abandonned blah blah blah. I am so sick of my oppurtunity for growth. I am tired of learning experiences. I refuse to engage in this bs anymore though. I am not getting any younger only older and the only relationships i am going to accept are the ones that reflect the positives about myself…
Thanks for responding Kimba,
regards,
Bell
NML, thank you for such a reflective and informative post. Knowing what you want and being able to articulate it is very important to helping to set boundaries and recognizing asclownery when it presents it self. For a long time I saw red flags and brushed it away telling myself that I shouldn’t jump to conclusions and give the man a chance. But you know what? If a man is a good man of character and has integrity, he’s going to see your worth and he’s going to treat you right. He won’t screw up because he is inherently a decent person. Assclowns and EUMs are not inherently decent people, they’re selfish, inconsiderate and manipulative.
It took me a long time to be able to articulate what makes me happy and how I want to be treated, but with therapy and self reflection I know with every ounce of my being that happiness is mine to have and will not settle for anything else. When you love yourself, it’s easy to find your happiness in just being who you are. That’s power, that’s freedom and that feels good.
NML,
I’m sure you hear what I’m about to say a lot, but I will tell you anyway because you’ve never heard it from me. 🙂
I just want to sincerely thank you for your blog, you have no idea what an eye opener this has been and how much I’ve needed to face – but have been avoiding – the cold hard truth.
The truth about myself, how I handle relationships, and the impact that my childhood has had and the lack of relationship with my father (surprise, surprise) on how I live and operate my current life.
For so long I knew what I was doing was wrong, but your blog made me face it head on. No more excuses, and no more illusions. I fell upon your blog through google, and after I read numerous entries, I sat in my room for about an hour silently at my computer desk, just letting the truth sink in and hit me like I should’ve let it long ago.
I’ve always tried to numb my problems with vices like alcohol, food, cigarettes – whatever I could use as an avoidance tactic.
But avoiding your problems, running from them, moving away, getting new friends – or whatever it is you try to do rather than just FACE them – never works. Because your problems are still right there along with the one thing you’ve really been running from ….. you.
After I read your blog I decided to end my illusion with Mr. Unavailable (he’s a good guy with issues, so I can’t label him an ‘assclown’; although I have dated them too). It was a pathetic song and dance that we twirled around in for almost a year. It was hard, but I knew that I had to do it.
When that happened I didn’t know what to do next because we share a lot of the same friends. Then you posted, “being friends with Mr. Unavailable”, and it helped me through that stage. Then I began to feel rejected, because the way I ended it was I decided to tell him what was wrong with him (wrong thing to do!), and he then decided to stop contacting me. I felt like I was ‘crazy’, and was rejected. Then comes you next postings …..
Every time I started to dwell about it in my mind, my phone would vibrate with a message that you had updated – pertinent to what I was feeling.
Now this stage. Now that it’s over – now what? What do we want? It’s all timing out perfectly. I don’t know if you’ve set it up that way, but you’re helping me step by step heal from the wounds of destructive low self-esteem, and an addiction to approval from unavailable men.
I’m sure you’ve gone through all of this too, or else you wouldn’t be so wise to the troubles that these situations present. I’m sure they were painful, but look at the beauty that’s arising from all of the suffering. You are being a blessing to many, and helping to heal the broken hearted.
Thanks again. I’ll be awaiting my next alert.
– ex-Mr. Unavailable chaser,
Madeline
I didn’t think I was unhappy at all. In fact, I was having the best time of my life– meeting new people, enjoying new friends/connections, getting involved in new things, appreciating all my good qualities, following my dreams career-wise, and embracing my faith and “agape love” principles. I extended this (agape love-friendship) to the AC/EUM and was very shocked and hurt to be later told by him that this meant I had “mental issues”.
I feel stupid for trying to … I guess to include him in my journey. For believing him and in him. I wonder if I fell into the “my love can heal you” trap? What I can’t quite understand is HE said I “give him too much power”– (as the article mentions). How so?
If I was out there enjoying my life, activities and friends, going places, doing things, inviting him along when it’s a group activity, and just continuing to be friendly to him and NOT allowing his hot/cold weird attitude to effect how I feel or behave… how did HE get the power?
Was this just his standard line? Did he see something unhealthy within me? Was he so self-absorbed that he made it all about him, knowing very little about me/my life? (For example, I was upset because someone had died– he didn’t know this, but was convinced my “hurt” was about him).
I feel he has twisted everything about me, my loving personality, my compassionate nature, my religion/faith, my offer of friendship, my kindness… into something very ugly and unhealthy. Like I’M the one with a huge problem for being this way.
I think this is the crux of what has hurt so much. That he views me as someone with issues for being “me”.
Why does he act like he’s so much better than me?
Why does he act like I’m such a horrible person?
TJ – i think this is what ” they” do. i, too, thought i was fun & loving & including of him. i THOUGHT he was really enjoying me & the time we spent together. then, slowly, i was the one with issues & problems, etc. etc. etc. i think this is tthem projecting their negative attributes to us. it is very bizarre & hurtful. but, once i got a better understanding of this behavior – thank goodness for this site – i was able to make sense of the craziness & let the madness go. it is no place to be. i really didn’t know people that seemed to care about you could be so cruel. strangest thing i have ever experienced.
Thank you for the post NML, I love these :”Clearly, if you’re not happy and you’ve felt this way for an extended period of time, what you are doing is not working”
So true!!! I just recently rejected my ex because of his unreasonable behaviour, and here I am yet again answering his messages one month later!!! I just cant resist him!!! I know in my mind that he is not good for me, that clearly he is not making me happy and it is not working….but somehow HE always found the ways to drag me back to him…I feel like giving up, and just come back to this rollercoster:-(
elizabeth– yes–! “i, too, thought i was fun & loving & including of him. i THOUGHT he was really enjoying me & the time we spent together. then, slowly, i was the one with issues & problems, etc. etc. etc.”
That’s exactly what happened.
The other people I reached out to and built relationships with think I’m a lovely person.
The AC/EUM thinks I’m toxic and annoying.
You’re right– it was the strangest thing I have experienced, too.
But in all honesty, cutting him out of my life has been a relief. I feel much better not bothering with him.
“I feel he has twisted everything about me, my loving personality, my compassionate nature, my religion/faith, my offer of friendship, my kindness… into something very ugly and unhealthy.”
TJ and Elizabeth!
My last two eums, I SWEAR, that each, in their own ways, further into the relationship began to try and cast me into the role of crazy, clingy, psycho female who wants too much. Though when I questioned one of them, asking what exactly I’d done to deserve that label, he could not come up with anything. I am not that girl. I really got the feeling that they somehow, though they claimed to detest it, deeply wanted me to be that girl – because it would feel good to them to have someone “want” them so much, and because at that point they were actually frightened of the relationship. Strange.
Alika,dont come back it only will do you so much damage.I know exactaly how you fell because I fell the same.I know my ex is bad for me but I still fell that yearning for him that keeps pushing me back.But I resist and continue with my decision to be away from him because I know if I come back it will be the same as before.He wont change and I will fell unhappy and hurt like before.And so do you,you did so much already by staying out from that roller coaster until today so dont come back.It wouldnt be fair and nice with yourself,remember that we need to love ourselves and by going back to someone that is bad for you arent doing that.I know is hard to resist but is the best we can do for us,keep strong.Just think on how much you progressed until now,dont throw it all away.You can do it.
NML,
I think you’re talking about me in that first sentence 🙂
And yes, it was when I said “i don’t want to hurt anymore”.
In the past – when I was hung up on somoene outside of me fixing things, I would have said I wanted to be loved and happy and safe.
But it took me taking care of me to start getting there – and that meant and means no longer doing the things that hurt me.
And being in denial or living in fantasy or picking unavailable men or putting up with unkind/uninterested men hurt me…
And oddly enough now that I;m not doing the things that hurt me, I finally have some of the loved/happy/safe feelings I craved. Only now they come from inside, where they cannot be given – or taken away by someone else.
And that feels rock solid 🙂
Hope that you and the bambinos and bf have a good week !
Loving Annie’s last blog post..Questions And Answers
“Your happiness should not rest on someone else because it gives them too much power and you too little responsibility or control for your own happiness.”
What’s funny is that I just said these very words to my EU friend! He has so many reasons that he can’t get on with the life he says he wants and I don’t know how to help him. Is there a well-written site like this for men? Hearing it from me seems like manipulation and I don’t want to be his cattle-prod (although a good swift kick in the a** might do him a world of good!). Any recommendations? It seems a shame that more men aren’t getting the benefit of your wisdom!
I have finally realized that I have everything that I want. I have all spiritual, material, and worldly possessions I could ever desire. I have unique talents and strengths (even if my physique is not perfect). I have come to terms with my EUM. I am not a psychiatrist (my stock in trade lies more with logic, than with emotion), but for whatever reason, he feels compelled to act the faucet (hot/cold) when he contacts me, He is, at alternating times, a coquettish young girl-child and the “he man” who needs no one, and no thing. Yet, when he reaches out to me by way of silly e-mail or text, he shows me who he is: a scared, selfish little boy. I have come to learn that knowledge is part of what I want, and that I have gained that, as well I am secure in my knowledge that he can’t figure out how to be an adult over the long haul, despite being 38. I know that he can’t figure out if he wants to be with me, or not. But the real knowledge lies in while I cannot change him, who he is, what he wants, and how he treats me, I can change me, and how I relate and respond to him. It’s so much easier on my psyche now that I have figured him out. When he wants to control me by way of this intermittent reinforcement, and make me part of his depressing landscape, I refuse to get sucked in. I become even sweeter and more resilient. When he seems to think that he has me “cornered” by virtue of these intermittent reinforcements, I play his little game, and then go on with my life — seeing and dating others. I am too good for him and his stupid a** games, and the more I feel this way, the more empowered I become.
Planet Jane: “I really got the feeling that they somehow, though they claimed to detest it, deeply wanted me to be that girl – because it would feel good to them to have someone “want†them so much, and because at that point they were actually frightened of the relationship.”
yes– yes– this is too creepily familiar. It was exactly the same. He wanted me to be that “unhealthy little girl” because who I am scares the hell out of him, yet resented my “need” (expectation) for him to reciprocate the friendship. Him seeing me happy, confident, centered was what annoyed and scared him. I am toxic TO HIM because I scare and intimidate him.
I read an article in the newspaper a little while ago which was an excerpt from Deepak Chopra’s book.
It really was about the art of happiness and how happiness is something in the present moment and it is something simple.
I really think that we have too many rules that constitute our reason to be happy.
I have to make this amount of money. I have to have a boyfriend. I have to be independent and self sufficient before I settle down. He has to call me this many times and tell me he love me this many times a day … BEFORE i can be happy.
Whatever it is, the reason why it doesn’t work is because most of the time it is placed on an external factor in your environment which you can’t really control.
How can we ever really be happy … if we are relying on things outside of us to make us happy?
That’s like living life on a gamble instead of taking charge and going “you know what? … no matter what happens today, I’m going to make sure its a great day”.
Hot Alpha Female
The Only Woman You Should Take Dating Advice From
Hot Alpha Female’s last blog post..I Really Like Him – Now What?!
I’m not sure if you’ve written about it before, but you seem to be a follower of the laws of attraction. Most of your advice seems to stem from that, and it’s a way of life I try to follow as well. I feel awful when I see women in bad relationships, but they don’t realize it’s their energy that’s attracting these problem men.
Tiffany @ Engagement 101’s last blog post..Celebrity engagement news: Bond girl gets a rock, Jonas brother throws a party
Very very true. We don’t know what we want because we have been so busy seeing to what everyone else wants. And so used to not even voicing our wants anymore as they are never supported or even responded to. This must be one of the most damaging elements of the aftermath of EUM relationships – you lose so much of yourself. Perhaps many of us didn’t even know before the relationship what we wanted – otherwise we might have never hooked up with an assclown in the first place. Again I can see a direct link to childhood messages and to the silent expectations society has for women – to be nice, be accomodating, to support and encourage, to give practical help when needed – imagine if we had invested this kind of care and love in our own interests instead of wasting it on assclowns?!! Be strong ladies as you uncover the insidious roots of how these horrid relationships came to have such a hold over you…
Alika – I am stuck on this same roller coaster. After the numerous crappy things he did to me because he was ‘frustrated’ that I wasn’t moving on and willing to forgive him for what he calls his ‘indiscretion’ and ‘bad decision’, I told him we were no longer a couple and we were done. But – I cannot seem to implement the nc rule. He keeps creeping back in and everyday I talk to him is a day that ends up ruined for me. When will I learn?? He claims he loves so much and that he can never be happy without me (utter BS I know) but for some reason, I keep talking to him. I feel like kicking myself everytime I get sucked in. If someone knows that another person is making them miserable – why in the world do they continue having any kind of relationship with that person?? I’m starting to think I’m just insane – put me in one of those jackets and be done with it! 🙁
I think this is really the most important question of all. Really, what do I want? Was the half-ass relationship charade really what I aspired to?
What is funny is that what I really want is not what I thought i wanted at all. I had said (and still say) that I want somebody to love me. Well, guess who should be first in line? me! The “somebody” that I want to love me is me.
All this time I thought the “somebody” was someone other than myself. And since I did not really love myself, how could I expect anyone else to love me? I attracted the only kind of “love” I knew and felt for myself … which was really none.
This is what I am working on. This is what is so difficult and should be so easy: What do I want? I want to love myself! 🙂
Hi,
What a great post, just came accross it. Something I really need to work on. What do I want?!
🙂
Planet Jane and TJ – I agree that their fear of failure and rejection underlies a lot of this.
Just at the point where things had changed and we could both sense that we were in danger of actually wanting to try a real relationship, he sabotaged it but of course it was my fault for ‘making plans and loving him too much’, and ‘it was better he stayed alone’ I was the crazy in love one.
Well the main plan I was making at the time was that I was buying a new house in my own country – so I could never see what the threat to his ‘independence’ was. Now I see that it was an emotional threat, he was in too deep and he knew he couldn’t deliver on any normal expectations in a relationship.
We still see each other on a FWB basis now and I know he’s not capable of more ( not too sure I am either but that’s something this blog is making me think about). Sometimes I think he knows too, just yesterday for no reason at all he said,’I can’t take care of you, I can’t even take care of myself’ Duh, like I ever wanted him to do that!
His current woman is completely obsessed and will do anything he wants, buys him anything he wants, and deep down I think that this is what they really want, they know that the woman is totally hooked and feel safe, whereas with the rest of us they know at some level that we will see through them one day and leave.
amen sadthing – especially your last point!
I’m appalled to find myself feeling nice thoughts towards my ex, but they do at least have the feel of fading memories/sepia tinted photographs, and I know they are memories of what I wanted to see not what there really is.
So that’s good. Wonderful post – I don’t really know what I want yet but I have committed to seeing out this year here and now instead of feeling all guilty that I am sat at home doing nothing and earning no money I am going to enjoy the bonus me time I have and know I will regret it when work picks back up again and I’m busy busy busy!
Hmmm this post is more about myself and less about the past. Aces. Thanks NML!
Oh dear – ‘respect’ – you need to read ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and watch ‘How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days’. HJNTIY is easier to spot than EUM so it should be your starting point. If they’re not calling you, they’re not into you.
@HJNTIY
I disagree with your statement – some of these EUM’s do call and text and fool you into thinking they “are into you” but when you begin to reciprocate and appear to want more than they can give they turn the other way and run, pull a disappearing act…it’s the pushy/pully game. It’s drama, it’s toxic and it fools us EUW into thinking that they do want us, when in fact they don’t know what they want. Which is the same for us and what NML is trying to address here. What do we EUW’s want? What makes us happy?
If we EUW’s knew what we wanted we wouldn’t be here at this site looking for answers to why our latest EUM treats us poorly, is mean, is using avoidance tactics or anything else. We would be leading healthy lives with a lot less drama and we’d be rejecting the EUM’s after they pull their first stunt of disappearing, or whatever.
We’d be happy because we’d be leading a fulfilling life doing, acting, and believing we’re lovable.
We would not suffering or trying to figure out why some assclown just pulled another stunt on us or even caring about a book called “He’s just not that into you”.
HJNTIY,
“If they’re not calling you, they’re not into you.”
How about if they’re calling you for a month, then slowly cut down and then stop the calls. Then come back after a month, and call you regularly for 5 months, then disappear for 1 months, then call you for 8 months, then disappear for 2 months? WTF does that mean? Means he’s an EUM/AC. And he’s chasing other tail in the meantime.
I am back at my therapist’s dealing with some of my abandonment issues. Ladies i did some EMDR with her and my gosh i feel calm and i processed some of the humiliation that i felt when i chased after the AC. I used to do that with my father as a child, and if he was busy with someone, he would dismiss me in front of them and i would cry my eyes out. I find myself dating men and if i dont get the adequate attention… i drink and have a tantrum or humiliate myself.
Well i seem to become a different person when i drink and i act out with unavailable men. Sorry to speak physco babble (my line of work is in therapy) I thought i was doing fine and this particular personality comes into my life and boom i am triggered.
Today after therapy i feel like the pain with him is a distant memory and i am happy to say i will not be using alcohol or mood altering drugs ever again. Misery loves company… and i feel empowered to say i will never have an excuse to hang out with poor company again,
Bell
My comment isn’t about a romantic relationship, but relates to talking about being miserable yet doing absolutely nothing about it.
I’m a co-contributor to a blog for socially anxious/introverted women and have been so for quite a while now. Half of the women do nothing but write about how miserable they are, how they wish they had more friends, how they wish they had boyfriends and want to get married one day, etc. and on and on. But that half doesn’t do ANYTHING to change their circumstances and, in fact, have made things even worse for themselves. I’ve decreased my contributions to that blog because they don’t listen to my positive encouragement anyway. I think they genuinely like to complain and be miserable but lie about wanting to be more sociable. They do nothing to change their circumstances.
So when I read this entry just now, it reminded me of them. It also reminded me of the way I used to be with all kinds of relationships (romantic and otherwise).
“What we discover is that in not being very happy with ourselves, we actually take up with partners who exacerbate those very things. We expect to pull in some positivity, but the negative thoughts and beliefs bring drama, pain, ambiguity, and confirmation of the bad stuff packaged up in assclowns and Mr Unavailable’s.”
_________
My god, that was me. 😐 I’m still on the journey, but I’ve come a very long way.
I believe that happiness comes from within and simply a matter of choice, and showing gratitude for what we have, and where we are right here and now. We begin believing that we be happy when…because as humans, we are never satisfied. Once we achieve or acquire one thing we think will make us happy, we move on to another. Which is a blessing is disguise, because if we weren’t unsatisfied, and quite striving for more, we would become bored, stagnant, and die.
As far as what I want, I know of many things, much more currently than usual. But you are right, we most normally know more of what we don’t want, because we are either living or have lived it, therefore, some of what we do want is simply the opposite.
I believe that one of the reasons we stay where we are, and self-sabotage is due to the fear of actually getting what we want.
searchingwithin’s last blog post..I Am Not Tempted By Anything But Temptation
I love this post. It’s made me aware, for the first time, of how “woolly” I am in my thinking about what I want out of life.
“Happiness” and “Love” just don’t cut it, do they? After all, I get “happiness” from eating the occasional bar of choclate while watching a good movie; and no one could love me more than my daughter and dog!
It’s only now I’m realising that that’s not what I mean when I’m talking about relationships with a man: I need to be clearer, to know what I mean – after all, if I don’t, who the heck will?
Thank you, lol – you have me writing a list (almost like a job spec for the poor would-be Lover) so I can solidify – but not set in stone – what I actually mean by “happiness” and “love” to start with.
Best Regards, Leonine.
By the way, ph2072, you’re absolutely right: wishing doesn’t get us anything, neither does moaning – we have to learn to get up and change SOMETHING of how we’re going on or we end up going around on the same circle yet again.
Gosh! I didn’t know how much I didn’t know.
No one ever taught me about relationships before in my life. Are my eyes being opened, lol.
Thanks . Leonine
I have two teenage children and have an agreement with their dad that we won’t move until they are grown/flown. As a result my ability to make myself happy is somewhat limited. I am unhappy at work but it’s really well paid and I definitely couldn’t leave. I am not complaining – I would do anything for my children and wouldn’t jeopardise their wellbeing for some selfish reason of my own. What I want is not so simple as when I was childless. What I want is not so simple because the reasons I would like to be in a relationship are different to when I didn’t have children and was younger. I am happy most of the time – but it’s a little more complex these days. I am not desperate to meet someone nowadays. I accept that it’s better to be single than in a relationship with an assclown or EUM. I know what I want, but the age factor is not without complications … Now not only do I have 2 teenagers, but I also have my 83 year old mother living with me. I’d like to think there are men out there who could cope with that but I have the feeling that my options are increasingly limited. The one this this site has helped me to realise though is that what I really don’t need is some arsehole taking up my precious energy. ho hum.