This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is all about prioritising self-care so that we protect and nurture our emotional and mental wellbeing. This is something I’ve wanted to talk about for a while, but it felt fitting that with World Mental Health Day (October 10th) to explore this topic now.
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Some nuggets from the episode:
- If you never learned about being “enough”, especially if you felt unacknowledged earlier in life or as if you had to jump through hoops, you won’t know your limits. It might take a series of painful experiences to awaken you to the notion that you have limits in the first place.
- You may have picked up messages along the way that in order to be a worthwhile, lovable human being, an acceptable human being, that you always have to be pushing yourself.
- We have to become aware of the hazards on our journey. We have to start becoming aware of signs that we need to step back into ourselves and take care of us.
- If you’re people pleasing and you put your foot down on the pedal of effort, how is that affecting your time, energy and emotions
When you’re emotionally taxed by something, guess what? Newsflash: you don’t have the same amount of energy that you normally would under other circumstances!
You can’t go about your life as you usually would. You might need to slow down or take a few things off your plate so that you have the space to recover from whatever you’re going through.
- When you start looking at things in terms of time, energy, effort and emotion, you realise that whatever it is that you’re not respecting (e.g. your time), it’s going to have an emotional and psychological impact. You start to understand your bandwidth.
- Many people think that self-care is pampering, yoga, meditation etc, and these are certainly forms of it, but they have to fit into a way of being that involves treating and regarding you like the worthwhile and valuable person that you are. Someone can get up from yoga or meditation and still be or do things that compromise their wellbeing.
- People can only know the boundaries that you express.
- Going around telling people that we’re OK when we’re not isn’t doing us any favours. We carry on as if holding back our truth is our way of doing our bit in the world to be “strong”.
- You matter too. Not more or less than anyone else — as much as everyone else. You have a right to factor you into any decisions you’re making, and you have a right to turn down anything that goes against your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing.
Links mentioned
- Recognising and respecting your emotional, mental, physical and spiritual bandwidth for better self-care
- The comeback episode of the podcast where I talk about feeling low earlier this year.
- Who’s in your entourage?
- About being over-responsible and feeling as if you have to be “strong”
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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
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I love you ?? Natalie! You are always right on time when I’m going through a crap ? load of issues! Thank you ?? ?
Aw, thanks Hope! Xxx
Sorry typo. I do love ?? you
Truth as always 🙂 best part of Friday evenings
Feel better soon girlie, rest up
Thanks so much, Jackie. I’m finally feeling more myself. It’s taken a while!
Good to hear this message; lots of us older chix (turned 58 on Sat) were taught from day 1 to self sacrifice 24/7, to overgive and that we deserve nothing in return. To stand up for self, nurture the self, was considered selfish, self centered, almost narcissistic. When I quit my Professorship in July, many at my campus thought I was being selfish by resigning when I did. This morning instead of being somewhere I didn’t want to be, that was slowly depriving me of my mental and physical health, I was sweeping my floors while singing opera and enjoying the day. I’ll take selfishness any day.
Noquay, resigning is without a doubt one of the best things you’ve done for yourself. And people won’t get that. They’re not in your shoes and they don’t have to live your life. They don’t get to decide what is or isn’t right for you!
This one really spoke to me. My dad immigrated to the U.S. after surviving a revolution and chaos in his home country. He saw his best friend killed by government militants right next to him and witnessed many horrors. Eventually he escaped by climbing over mountains on foot and living for months on the street as a refugee before coming to the U.S.
He had a very hard time relating to my problems! He loved me, but everything I ever struggled with seemed absurd to him in comparison to what he’d witnessed. Whenever I had a problem, he would tell me a story about a kid my age he’d known who had suffered for his/her political beliefs, etc.
I get where he was coming from, but as an adult, I realize this really impacted my ability to have compassion for myself – or even to believe that the things I care about and work for have much value. I know that wasn’t my intention – he wanted me to appreciate my “comfortable, peaceful American life.” But it’s very disconnecting and damaging to not value another’s experiences, or our own.
I think it’s important to try and meet people where they are and to practice compassion always. I’m working on that for myself. It’s an ongoing project.
Thanks again for another great podcast, Natalie.
This is so important what you’ve shared. Our parents and grandparents have often been through difficulties that we might find difficult to comprehend, but it doesn’t mean that our experiences aren’t valid. Recognising why they respond in this way also helps us to not make their seeming lack of empathy too personal. I experienced what you did throughout my entire childhood and so it took me a long time to acknowledge and accept that my feelings are my own and valid, as are my experiences. It always felt like a competition and as if I should be doing a jig with my hands out in gratitude.
Any chance you can post transcripts of these podcasts? They are awesome — but don’t always have the opportunity to listen — and would be great to be able to read them over.
Thanks for your suggestion, Michelle. It’s not something that’s feasible at this time as it costs money to make the podcast and so will cost money to introduce transcripts. If the podcast moves to being sponsored in the future, transcripts will be considered.
I had to refuse an invite to my mother’s 60th birthday party in December. Why?
a) I’d be surrounded by family members who are toxic;
b) I’d be so anxious I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself and;
c) My step-dad’s text invite read like he was barking orders at me.
There was no warm greeting or so much as a “how are you?” – NOTHING. Then my cousin’s invite reads – “Hello darling, how are you? We’re having a get-together for …. 60th in December…”. Again, it put me in the head-space of my younger self who would constantly wonder – why doesn’t he like me? Why is he so nice to everyone else and not me?
When I mentioned it to my mother, I was told not to worry about it because I turned down the invite anyways – totally missing the point as usual. She then asked me “why di your cousin send that to you?” – to which I replied, “I asked her to”. She will never acknowledge his behaviour or the way it makes me feel. Her only concern is keeping up appearances with folk – even though it’s common knowledge that my step dad is a boorish piece of shit. When I tried to explain to my step dad how his behaviour makes me feel, I was told, “Don’t bother coming then”. Then he blocks me on WhatsApp. No surprises there, I’m used to this kind of behaviour from him. Still hurts…
I’m eloping this month, and getting married to the best man I’ve ever known on the 1st Nov. It’s a very small, traditional African wedding in his country of origin with approx 15 guests at our reception in his cousin’s property.
I decided not to tell my parents, my extended family, colleagues and most of my friendship circle because most people would try to convince me not to go ahead with it (it’s been a whirlwind romance to say the least), or create enough drama to spoil our day. We both know that we want to be together and we don’t want a 5 year engagement or expensive wedding ceremony. We just want to be together.
The worst thing is, I feel such relief knowing that my parents and others won’t be there! I have no desire to have the happiest day of my life scrutinized/ridiculed by others because it’s not flashy. I have no desire to feed and water dozens of people and waste our precious time, money and energy on a big wedding. We don’t want their interference at all and have decided to deal with the repercussions afterwards when he moves to London early next year.
I’m struggling with feelings of guilt about this because my mother is fighting lung cancer and I know that in spite of the fact that we don’t get along, she’s always been adamant that she’d be there on my wedding day – and I’m not allowing that to happen. Yes, I can see why some might think me selfish for doing this, but I was denied as a kid (and still am to this day) so many BASIC things from my ‘parents’ – things like healthy love, affection, self-respect, respect for my boundaries, peaceful/tranquil home life, warmth, being treated/spoken to like a human with feelings, etc, etc.
Why should they get to participate in my happy occasion when they’ve done absolutely nothing to contribute to it?
Londonlupie
I couldn’t fully follow the story of the birthday party and in particular what was wrong with what your cousin wrote – that sounded like a nice enough message. It seems that you and your mother and step dad speak past each other and maintain feelings of hurt.
It’s also a bit hasty to get married in another country after a whirlwind romance with no family or friends present. I wonder if you have someone you trust that you can at least inform about this.
Sammy,
You’ve completely misunderstood and misinterpreted my comment, and your confusion is evident.
I don’t care for your opinion on my decision to marry quickly, or where I choose to marry. My closest friends and cousin are aware of what’s happening, but can’t make it due to cost and having jobs/families of their own to consider.
Please don’t project your own fears or negative opinions on others without knowing all the facts. On this occasion, you missed the mark spectacularly.
LondonLupie – I get it, and for what it’s worth, I think everyone has a right to do what feels right for them – this goes double on your special day! You have a right to be healthy and happy, and some
family members just can’t or won’t allow that to happen when they are in our lives. I’ve had to cut people out too – it can be hard to put into words, but a lifetime of crazy-making behavior, being devalued and even abused, etc. can lead us to say – “enough is enough!” It’s ok to listen to that voice and save yourself! Congrats on your wedding – I hope it is beautiful and just as you want it to be.
Thank you for your understanding Sarah, and for the well wishes!
I just know that having my parents involved in my big day would be stress-inducing and disastrous, and I want to have a memorable day with my fiance and our closest friends. No drama allowed.
I went through a process of cutting all the toxic and negative people out of my life about 4 years ago, and I haven’t looked back! In fact, things have just gotten better and better so I applaud you and everyone else who has the courage to make that choice. It’s not an easy road to travel…
LondonLupie you may think I am a naysayer but please do not marry this man. He is most likely after a UK passport and any money you have which is a common scam in Africa and this may not be a legal marriage even. Heed what Nat has said about fast forwarding and you’ve admitted this is whirlwind. I fear that once married things will really change and you may even be prevented coming back to the UK. You will also have to get the marriage registered in the UK and if there are children they must be born in the UK to protect their rights. Let him make the effort to come to the UK to prove with actions not just talk that he genuine and live here for a while so you can get to know him better and not rush into things. Would you be prepared to live with him in Africa? Most likely not. I have lived in Africa and know what it is like. It isn’t easy living there as women are regarded as property with men having several wives in some African cultures. You can tell me I am wrong but love is blind sadly. I hope for your sake things work out but don’t marry him to escape situations you’ve described and put two fingers up to all the people in your life. I feel you are vulnerable and he could be homing in on this and offering something he might not be able to sustain. He doesn’t want to get married in the UK as he knows he would be questioned very carefully about an arranged marriage because he isn’t a UK citizen. Before you go read the books written by a UK woman who married a Masai warrior . It didn’t work out and she nearly died from malaria. At least then you will have a better idea of what lies ahead rather than some romantic notion.
Feisty,
I’m sorry your own experiences with men have led you to believe that they’re all scum, but mine isn’t, and that’s why I’m marrying him. My fiance has a successful career, his own home and a vehicle (not all Africans are dirt poor btw) – we just happen to live in two different countries. Why would you assume he’s some no-good-bum chasing a visa? He often comes to the UK for work (how we met) and he travels frequently – so I don’t know where your unsolicited rant stems from. It’s quite disturbing in fact… I suggest you keep that negative energy to yourself in future, because it’s truly repugnant.
I’m a proud 2nd generation black Jamaican woman, so I’m not naive about the visa-hunters you speak of. I’m also 34 and old enough to decide whether or not a man is worth my time, affection and commitment. I will not be backing out of my wedding because a stranger from an internet forum has concocted some silly notion in her head about two people she’s never met, and you couldn’t be farther from the truth if you tried.
I came here talking about the way my step-dad’s behaviour affects my well-being, yet you felt the need to focus on my pending marriage and it’s location in such a negative and mean-spirited way – why?
Shame on you for being so judgmental and making vile assumptions about me and my future husband.
Shame on you for assuming I know nothing and lecturing me on UK Immigration Laws like some twit.
Lastly, shame on you for implying that my wedding is some sort of ‘sham’ marriage, when it isn’t.
People like you are dangerous.
Check yourself in future before spouting so much nonsense.
LondonLupie, I have had a difficult time reading your replies to the women here who have, yes, put forth what they think in terms or red flags – and they have not necessarily been very negative towards you or your choices. I believe they were coming from a place of care for your wellbeing rather than one of finger-pointing and shaming…most women here feel like speaking out only when concerned and because they want to make sure that we all remind each other of all the safe things we need to be aware of. Obviously we can’t know everything about your life but I believe they spoke with …gentle and kind worry rather than negativity as you put it, and they based it on what tou share. And they were polite and all said tentative words such as “it seems/I wonder/please…” so they did not truly deserve the …may I say aggressively negative (and dare I say offensive) words you then used to reply to them. Unfortunately this is what we do on forums, we discuss and tentatively ask each other to check everything and make sure in order to avoid bad things happening to us – if you felt they misunderstood and reacted out of personal experience that’s absolutely fine but you could have put it in a more polite and less aggressive way. I don’t believe they meant harm and we all understand words on paper or online can be misunderstood – and that goes bith ways. But please let us all be gentle in the way we reply, and disagree in a…constructive way. We are here to express our beliefs, our thoughts – and if people want to disagree they can, if they are doing that politely and tentatively.
Ro,
You don’t get to tell me how I should/shouldn’t react to people who are talking rubbish about a situation they know nothing about and haven’t even taken the time to ASK ME for clarifications before jumping to so many conclusions. That’s the point I was making in my responses – and yes, I did take offense to it, as they are clearly projecting their own issues onto me and my relationship.
Whether they meant harm or not, it still offended me, so I have every right to reply in the manner to which I felt was appropriate. If you or anyone else took offense to my words, perhaps that’s because it touched a nerve, so I urge you to examine why my pending marriage is a reason for you and the other respondents to react so negatively??? It doesn’t feel like they exhibited genuine concern or demonstrated any kind of tactfulness from where I’m sitting, and it’s bizarre considering I came here to discuss my step-father’s behaviour – not my fiance – who presents no danger to me whatsoever.
I think the lesson to be learnt here is that some people should really think before they respond to others, because the suggestion that my fiance is a visa chaser or my marriage is a sham is disgusting and wholly unsubstantiated. You can’t go around saying things like that to people you don’t know and expect them to be OK with that – online or offline. Treat others with the same care and respect you expect to receive in life.
I used to get so much comfort from this site and its forum – whose members have provided me with support, advice and thoughtful insights to some of my problems over the years. However, the sanctimonious and patronizing tone some of you possess (your opinions are not gospel and just because it happened to you doesn’t mean that’s the case for everyone else) – in conjunction with the judgmental and downright malicious assumptions I have been subjected to is unacceptable and makes me wish I never bothered sharing in the first place.
Thank you Natalie for your incredible words of wisdom and support over the last 6 years. Your guidance has finally led me to a place of clarity, strength, inner peace and happiness – so I’m truly thankful for everything you do, and continue to do to help us find our way to healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
Hi LondonLupie. I wanted to send a quick note to say congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Having ‘known’ you through the comments for several years, I’m happy to hear that you’re happy. I spotted your comment a few days ago but was headed off on the school run, and now I’ve come back to a little, how shall we call it, kerfuffle.
I think that, as is always the case, what’s unfolded here is a question of boundaries. Well-meaning comments, where tone and language, are in some respects, a little (or a lot)… strong. The internet sometimes give the impression of more closeness and knowledge than we actually have.
Yes, your marriage is fast… and you know that. You know your situation. I think, as is the way with the world, it is difficult to share a story of that nature and not experience some level of query about it. It’s possible that this situation has prepared for your family’s reactions.
That said, Sammy, Ro, Feisty, please leave it be now so that comments remain in the spirit of the site. I appreciate your concern for her, but she wasn’t soliciting advice on her marriage. I know it might seem like a forum, but it really isn’t, and that’s probably where some of the confusion and friction has come from in this instance.
And on another note, LondonLupie, I think I understand the situation you described. Your stepfather is divisive in your relationship with your mother who doesn’t ever back you, and it’s clear that your stepfather doesn’t feel the affection or effort with you that he does with, say, your cousin. I think your mother is caught between a rock and a hard place, as are you. Divided loyalties, which really wouldn’t happen if the dynamic wasn’t toxic. It’s possible for her to be a wife and mother, and instead is expected to choose. You end up feeling inferior and maybe looking for validation. There’s a lot of drama with your family and you’ve decided that for now, you’re just going to do your own thing. You, understandably, feel guilty about it, which is natural, but you’ve decided that this is your day. It *is* going to cause upset, but you are well within your rights to do what you’re doing. Proceed with an open heart, not resentment. If you do, no matter what, you will be OK.
I am surprised Nat that you tell 3 people to leave it, but it is ok for Londonlupie to vent her toxic, venomous, vitriol at those who point out red flags, judging them when she doesn’t know anyone in real life. No-one did anything wrong and why should this individual who lacks basic manners be protected? Sorry but that isn’t right and it really crosses my boundaries, being a bit like back at school where the whole class got told off/punished for the sake of one person’s behaviour. If a comment about a marriage wasn’t wanted, which has been made clear in the most obnoxious manner, then why even mention it? I did feel you could have dealt with this better because spewing venom and being judgmental towards people is surely a breach of site rules. I have a feeling that the intention was to stir people up and feel this was attention seeking behaviour. I may be wrong but have noticed a trend.
I do recognise people who are what would be termed bullies having a go at those who say anything to the contrary of their opinions/beliefs etc. and I have no time for that. Bullying should not be allowed. The person concerned should consider her tone in the reply posts she made and even if she took umbrage could have acted in a more mature polite manner to reassure people who saw red flags. It is her life and I hope it works out for her.
I am not projecting anything on anyone as has been claimed. I am quite happy in my world and respect others to lead a different life, have different opinions and behaviour. I won’t be told what I am or am not by someone on an internet site, not will I be publicly sanctioned whilst worse behaviour is allowed, so am now checking out of the site. You have my e-mail address if you wish to contact me. I have a lot of respect for what you have achieved and the help you have given me and others but once a site degenerates like this thread did to the point that people are afraid to say anything for fear of being treated as 3 of us were, then I’m out. Good luck all.
No, I’m telling you *all* to leave it, including LondonLupie. If that was not clear, let me make it clear now. This conversation is not in alignment with the guidelines of the site.
When I chose to stop moderating the comments a few years ago, for the sake of my own wellbeing, that meant that comments automatically appear. I am very fortunate that the comments self-moderate and that people, including you, Feisty, are by and large very respectful. It is on occasions like what has unfolded over the last few days, which thankfully are a few and far between, when I regret it because most of these comments wouldn’t have seen the light of day.
I have the same site guidelines, Feisty, as I always have, so don’t for one moment think that I am doing a U-turn on anything. You have always been vocal and straight to the point, and I haven’t said anything before because there wasn’t a need for it. This also isn’t *just* about you. Or even about you. It’s about everyone involved in this as well as every single person who has to come along and read all of these comments that don’t actually really have a great deal to do with the topic at hand. They are off-topic. And some of the comments cross the guidelines regarding race.
Yes, LondonLupie has made mention of her wedding in her comment, and that has opened up commentary about it, but let me say this again: It’s not a forum. That is the primary reason for my position.
All of you, stop talking about it. This is not a forum. I would have deleted all of the comments but I didn’t want it to go that far, but am more than happy to.
And for what it’s worth, Feisty, I do agree that LondonLupie’s responses were not in guidelines either. ” I am quite happy in my world and respect others to lead a different life, have different opinions and behaviour. I won’t be told what I am or am not by someone on an internet site, not will I be publicly sanctioned whilst worse behaviour is allowed, so am now checking out of the site.” And, unfortunately, that’s how she feels too.
I will be in touch with you directly, Feisty.
I wanted to clarify a couple of things:
Please don’t read my congratulations as validation of your approach in responding to the other commenters who expressed negative views about your upcoming nuptials. When I said that the comments about the situation needed to stop, I meant yours too (although, to be fair, you haven’t commented further!).
I empathise and recognise that it must have been upsetting to read some/all of those comments. You posted your original comment in response to the topic at hand and the engagement was almost a side note to that. And it’s that part of the comment, which gave context to the conundrum you faced, that has been questioned and judged, no matter the original intention of commenters.
Although it can and does look like tag-teaming though, so three against one, I must stress that it’s not okay to lash out in the way that you did. I recognise how it happened, but I can’t acknowledge you feeling under attack without acknowledging that you have retaliated in response. Their responses don’t mean that your subsequent ones are without question. And to be clear: that doesn’t mean that I’m suggesting that what was said by others was OK, either, but it’s more that this situation descended into what it has because the responses, including your subsequent ones, were outside of the site guidelines. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/about/site-use/
This is your marriage, so you don’t need mine or anyone else’s validation. Not that you were looking for comment or advice about the specifics of your marriage in the first place! But… as I said in my original comment to you, what has unfolded here in the comments is preparation for dealing with loved ones. Yes, it should not have taken place in these comments, but how you’ve responded might be a call for you to get grounded about the situation and your feelings.
Get behind you. Make sure *you* are cool with what you’re doing so that you don’t feel the need to explain or justify yourself to anyone, least of all strangers on the internet (and that includes me). When you’re not judging you about something (or fearing it), no one else can overpower you on it and cause you to deviate from who you are and where you’re headed.
Ro well said and you have summed up my concerns. I also feel that if someone doesn’t want people to comment out of concern then don’t share. There is no call for the responses that have been posted by Londonlupie. Manners make the man or woman and cost nothing.
Nat I’d like you to take the lead on this as I really feel I don’t want to respond to anyone anymore, as being judged, met with aggression and bullying isn’t acceptable in any shape or form. If you don’t take the lead then this site suffer as people will be driven away.
London Lupie no-one is judging you, that is your perception. I suggest you reflect on how you come across as if someone was so aggressive to you would you think it ok? If the answer is no then you should at the very least listen to experience. You don’t know me and your responses have been offensive. I am not using my experience with men as you put it to judge your situation but I do have life experience and personal experience of Africa and customs there. There is a big trade in African men marrying Western women for a visa and it is natural to wonder why you are rushing into marriage so quickly where there are different customs and race differences. No doubt you will think anyone now is getting at you but you posted and cannot expect people to stay silent if they are concerned.
LL, I wholeheartedly agree with your response!! Congratulations…on everything…hope you have a very special day exactly the way you want it to be and a long lasting union!
Thank you Lorraine! I really do appreciate that 🙂
Thanks for your post Ro. I’ll respond here instead of directly to LL. I just want to say that my response came from worry about red flags. I could probably have been a bit more supportive but I don’t think I was rude. LL, you seemed angry over family events, had a quick romance, are going to another country to get married without telling your family and no one from your family is going with you. I think any one of those things is itself a red flag and all together it seemed a lot and made me concerned.
I guess it is a bit silly to give advice on an Internet forum and it can be taken the wrong way. But LL – perhaps our responses should also alert you to the fact that others actually in your life might react similarly. You are in your rights to push back against them but it can be done with a firm conviction in your choices rather than anger that anyone might want to offer advice etc. Even people getting married with their whole family present and after a long relationship get constant questions and yes criticisms. It’s what family does unfortunately.
Sammy – please just stop.
Is lack of affection or sex in a marriage a deal-breaker? How does one handle this.
It depends on the context of your marriage. When a couple’s needs aren’t weighted on these, then it doesn’t have to be a deal-breaker. But if the marriage is lacking in many ways, these become emblematic of a deeper problem. You have needs and if they’re not being met by the marriage and there isn’t a working towards that, lack of physical intimacy and bonding will take a toll on your wellbeing. Your question is a bit outside the scope of this post, but I would recommend that you check out the book The Five Love Languages, but also that you consider speaking to someone about the situation in more depth.
Thanks, I appreciate the comments being made in a respectful manner. These aspects blindsided me after marriage because I hadn’t been expecting them. How can one person be so full of life in one context or how did things change so drastically in the other aspect? If it had been a clean black and white situation, leaving the marriage would be simple, as someone commented below. Contrary to what one might think, these type of communications can be so difficult and frustrating to have. Because it doesn’t get to the root of the matter.
At the moment, I am working on me and building up my self esteem. Will keep looking for answers to help me make a clear, solid decision moving forwards. Thanks again.
It would be for me and I would handle it by exiting the relationship as cooly as my “partner” had been towards me.
I’ve learnt not to beg or try initiate affection…because that shit is just there if someone loves you and all is on a healthy level.
Yeah we can say some peeps are just not that way..OK. ..but I am so that would make us incompatible so still doing a walk. Not here to change people. I accept and I decide whether to stay or go in a loving way.
I appreciate your comments SoulFull.
Life lessons….those who listen – learn
I was taking Nats advice and not saying anything – but I have to agree with Feisty. I think a poster on this site cannot tell others to stop talking. That is not acceptable. LL is not a hall monitor. In addition Nat has asked three posters to stop talking so that I assume LL can have ‘her day’. This is not ‘wedding digest’. As usual the person taking the bullying tone is being pacified. I also had a sense of deja vu – of having been told to stop talking once before by LL and in fact I was. I googled it. In full caps LL was instructing me to stop giving advice to her. More like ‘stop talking’ all caps with further injunctions and scolding about how I am presumptuous etc for having responded to a post where she was name calling other family members (brother and sister in law) and explicitly asking for advice. She was jumping in to comments I wrote to others (who were fine with them) and telling me I should stop assuming and stop giving advice. I find LLs comments just full of anger and negativity.
I don’t know what Nat means that this is not a forum. It’s also not a place to rant and exhibit deep anger and resentment toward people in your life. If I hear someone with that amount of negativity on a site meant to help people move forward, I will say something to that person. I have learnt a lot on this site from Nat and from people and from being able to talk and receive advice. The whole point of this site is solicited and unsolicited advice – I don’t come here to speak into the void. LLs righteous indignation is exhausting to me. Yes her parents might be immensely toxic. But recognizing that is no use if you don’t move on from your anger. I absolutely don’t think a person should stay in contact with people they find toxic. Don’t go to their birthdays and don’t invite them to weddings. However – if you’re still seething with resentment at each interaction, and seeking validation from those same people and still hurt etc etc then there is still work to be done.
About the marriage – I think Nats advice to LL goes against the advice in her books. A fast forwarded almost secret marriage (why does he have only 15 showing up?), in a different country, with someone that you’ve hardly met (it appears most of this short relationship was online) — there are entire chapters in Nats books about how this would be a red flag. It would in fact be code red molly you in danger girl. Instead we are getting fairy tale ‘it’s your day’ and go with an open heart. LL – go with an open heart and also an international phone number and enough local currency so if you get cold feet you are not dependent on anyone. We are not giving this advice because we are shriveled up old meanies that don’t know true love. I hope he’s the absolute love of your life (though some of your past posts if they were about this guy do not give that indication). And LL, don’t bother with the ‘stop talking’ posts. If your posts here are anything to go by, I am not convinced by your interpretation that the rudeness in your family is all one sided.
Nat you’re missing the boat on this one.
Sammy, I don’t know who you are and I assumed that you meant well with your original comments, and I will assume that you are not intentionally trying to antagonise the situation.
LondonLupie did not come to me or anyone else for marriage advice. The post is not about marriage advice. The post is about *mental health*. I ask, and have asked, for thirteen years, that comments are only about the topic of the post because, let me say it again, this is not a forum. How me saying something for thirteen years and it being abided by 95% of the time is suddenly strange, is beyond me. I don’t recall saying, either, that the point of the site was “unsolicited advice”. I’m pretty chilled about the comments because of the fact that the guidelines are by and large respected. If there’s a little off-topic chat but the comments remain largely on topic, that’s fine. When it descends into this type of situation it is 100% of the time because it is largely off-topic and not within guidelines.
I am not LondonLupie’s mother or advisor. If she wants to marry a man after two months, it is her prerogative to do so. It is far beyond the scope of these comments or even a paragraph from me, to even begin to ‘advise’ on that. It’s none of my business. It’s not a question of whether I do or don’t “agree” with her marriage (that’s not my place and it’s not the subject of the post!). It doesn’t mean that I’m going against what I wrote in my books. I’m not. It means that I have a respect for boundaries. Don’t you think I could run around giving unsolicited advice to everyone who ever says anything to me? Don’t you think people share stories with me all the time where I could say something but I don’t? It’s not my place! It’s also exhausting and presumptuous. There’s a time, place and context for everything.
And LondonLupie is already aware that her responses were over the line due to her defensiveness. Notice that she isn’t responding here.
Its been a while since i was on this site.its always edu active.and a thread like this one just makes me undersfand some situations in life will always be perceived difcereny in many ways.let’s all look for inner peace.much love.
Dear Nat,
I’m a recovering fall back girl who managed to have a brief but healthy relationship earlier this year. Now I am in the early phases of a new potentially healthy and reciprocal relationship. The issue is he feels needy and insecure to me. He needs more affirmation than I am used to. I don’t know if that’s my fallback mentality tainting my perspective of the relationship, or if it’s real.
Additionally he is outwardly not the package I’m typically attracted to, and sadly, is severely lacking in the manhood department. (Fate is a cruel mistress)
I’m trying to get out of the way of my own happiness. Here is a man who appears to want to give me everything that I want but I’m struggling with my physical attraction to him, partially due to his insecurities but mostly due to his ‘package.’
So my issue is twofold.
1. Is he really insecure and needy or is that my own unavailability tainting my opinion?
2. Can I truly deal long-term with his physical limitations? How important is sex? Can I be faithful?
HELP
“When you’re emotionally taxed by something, guess what? Newsflash: you don’t have the same amount of energy that you normally would under other circumstances!”
This hit a nerve and it is both a relief and an affirmation of what I am going through at present. It is so important to repeatedly remind ourselves of that. I often feel like I have somehow shut down my emotions and my more empathic, emotional side over the years – especially in the job area where it was crucial to establish firm(er) boundaries, something I struggle with at times. I feel that I was ‘softer’ and more emotional in my younger years if that makes any sense. It feels like I was more able to tune in to other people’s needs and wants and to be truly ’empathic’ – but I guess I was just the good old people pleaser back then. Perhaps what I am experiencing now is a side effect or establishing boundaries and becoming more aware of my ‘bandwidth’ and also, of my upbringing and certain issues I experienced as a child, i.a. some form of emotional abuse. It feels so exhausting to face those issues and work through them and be clear about what happened and honest with one’s own behaviour. I am especially having a hard time with acknowledging that my parents’ behaviour was abusive and how much of an effect their attitude had on me. Perhaps it is only to be expected to feel that way in the situation I am currently in and I feel hopeful it will get better over time.