Tags: codependency, fear of abandonment in relationships, fear of being alone, fear of intimacy, fear of loss of independence, loneliness
One of the things that becomes apparent when I speak to people who are in unfulfilling relationships is that it’s amazing what we’re willing to put up with if it means not having to be alone. Only, we still end up feeling alone in an even more painful way — lonely and isolated. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, it’s time to get into the subject of fear of being alone.
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android
Some nuggets from the episode:
- When we insist that we’re fine with being on our own and that we don’t need anybody, and then we get into a relationship, and it ends, and we feel like we can’t survive, our hidden fear of being alone has risen to the surface.
- Loneliness is the emotional state we experience when we are emotionally adrift and cut off from ourselves and our intimate relationships.
The more ashamed you feel is the less you can talk about things. You end up feeling increasingly adrift and cling on to the unhealthy relationship(s) that you need to get away from.
- Vulnerability plugs us back into intimacy. It uplevels the intimacy in our relationships each time we stretch ourselves beyond previous levels. When we reach for a higher level of authenticity and intimacy, we plug back in — to ourselves and our close relationships.
- Loneliness is a call for us to reconnect with ourselves, to plug back into intimate relationships and to, yes, disconnect from that which cuts us off.
- Sometimes we’re so busy pursuing something that we don’t realise that we are more OK than we think, or that we would be OK if only we learned how to take care of ourselves.
Some of us associate being alone with unloved.
- If we see being on our own as being a statement about how successful we are, you can see why we avoid being alone.
- There are a couple of ways in which we devalue interpersonal relationships: We devalue non-romantic relationships as if romantic ones are the prize. And when we feel as if we’re OK with being alone because we’re very guarded, we devalue relationships in general.
- If we live our life from a place of love, care, trust and respect, our relationships feel harmonious and fulfilling because we are experiencing compatibility while meeting our emotional needs.
Sometimes our aloneness isn’t a happy choice; it’s a defensive choice against the past.
- We put ourselves in proximity to certain people, things and opportunities because we want them to speak for us. We attach ourselves to the popular, charming person with a harem swinging out of them because we’re trying to catch self-worth.
- When we outsource our needs to someone else, the only path we’re going to be on is a painful one.
- When we’re afraid of being on our own, we don’t feel as if we’re capable of making our life better, so somebody else is given that job.
The truth about being used: When we acknowledge what’s really been going on, we were willing to allow ourselves to be used and taken advantage of if we could get what we wanted out of the situation.
- When we attach ourselves to relationships to mask our fear of being alone, what we’re often really trying to avoid is not being ‘alone in the world’ but alone with ourselves.
- Why am I so afraid to be in my own company?
- What has gone on in my past that I’m prepared to accept a sub-par relationship?
- What’s the baggage behind it?
- Fear-based choices lead to desperate decisions and desperate relationships.
Links mentioned
- Break The Cycle
- Events page
- Heart 80s
- Loneliness happens when we stop expressing how we feel and lose emotional connections (The importance of self-care and safe people)
- Don’t scratch the loneliness ‘itch’ with the wrong scratcher
- Me guesting on the Words of Colour ‘Black Love Bytes’ podcast
- The Growth of Grief (ep. 133)
- What’s the baggage behind it? (ep. 2)
Please subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here) – it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this guide.
Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
Add to favorites
Natalie – I have your books and love your blog. Im commenting because I have found myself in a situation like no other.
I am lonely because I am in love with my male best friend, but I am also worried I will be even more alone if I push him away.
He admitted his love for me a few months ago after knowing me for 12 years. The issue is that he lives 2 hours away, and with a GF. We have always blurred the lines but he has been texting me a lot flirting . He’s even said he has a plan for meeting up with me if I am down with it . I’m down with seeing my best friend, and talking with him first . He hardly texts and never answers his cell anymore. The texts are on his terms now. He goes a couple of weeks without talking to me. When he lived alone, he obviously texted me more , we saw one another more … not now. I understand that. I have tried to move on but compare every guy to him. This man is amazing in terms of looks and what I have always wanted. I worry that he is now just playing with my trust because I do know so much about him. He has medical issues that we have discussed , horrible childhood, etc. we just get each other. I feel as though I am empty and lonely without seeing him. It was over a year ago that I saw him and it sounds like possibly in the next month he will be able to visit but I am trying to not text and bug him about when. I’m letting him contact me, as I now have this label on me as the side chick best friend. Ughh what to do. I’m so comfortable with him and shy around every other man I meet. Advice please 🙂
I can relate to this. I am single , independent , date occasionally , but truly have feelings for my best friend. He has a girlfriend so I guess I am the OW. We have only fooled around once, but have definitely done pg13 things over the years. We acted like a couple when we had time alone. When I wasn’t with him for weeks on end I felt very alone. He doesn’t live down the street anymore but we sext a lot and the unsaid rule is basically when he can he will show up. At first I was okay with it but now I find I am losing patience because I miss seeing him and hearing from him. Dynamic has changed. Hell I have gone as far as seeing a psychic because mentally I don’t know what he is doing and truly do want to see him in person again. It’s been 2 long . Just as someone else said, he ghosts me for a week or more and if I push the idea of meeting up he has an excuse . Or he ignores my text about that. Yet, he was the one who said we should do this. He told me he wanted all of this. I know all of his dirty laundry and he knows mine and we fit like a puzzle piece. I’m scared to lose someone — a friend but also this man who makes me feel beautiful and worthy.
WOW, you know when you read something that conveys how your feeling right now? I’m at a place in my life where I can read this blog and totally agree and see myself!
Two and half years ago I thought I was strong enough to go back online dating. I met someone and he totally changed the way I thought about myself and relationships. From the very beginning, I started to see RED FLAGS, and unfortunately, I allowed myself to ignore them because I was so… caught up in trying to have a relationship with this man and not being alone!
After all of the back, and forth, heat and good, the Yoda mind tricks! I found you’re book Mr. Unavailable and the Fall Back Girl. That helped me to learn what I was going through with that Assclown. It also, made me have to look at myself and I didn’t like what I saw!
I thought I was healed after reading your book almost every day religiously or when I thought about him. But after a month once he called or texted I allowed myself back on the crazy circle! Before I knew it two years had passed and I was still stuck in the crazy circle. I felt like I was going crazy, I was emotional all the time, I couldn’t concentrate at work, friends were getting tired of me talking about that man etc…
After a while, I started reading more self-help books, youtube videos about Narcissist personalities and I started to understand the sickness, not only with him but myself! This scared me I knew this wasn’t who I really am. I needed help to understand why if I see it happening, why would I continually allow this to happen to me? I went to a Therapist, and thank goodness I did that! I’m finally learning to love myself again and being okay with being alone. I finally allowed myself to let that AC go!
Recently I met someone that clicked all my boxes. However, I saw early on he was a future faker, and I called him out on it! I never heard back from him again. That’s fine with me! Because now I take it “one day at a time”. I still get lonely at times and look back on the last few months and cringe but I’m okay!
Thank you for allowing me to tell my story and I hope someone out there knows you’re not alone! It’s ok to be alone! Thank you so… much, Natalie!
To Miss New New: I have been down the same path as you. It’s a VERY emotionally draining path with these men. I stayed along time and am currently trying to push away from him. I’ve had friends ask me why I give him so many chances , and how I could say I love him. Feeling alone and being alone is just awful. When he texts I get a boost – but it’s breadcrumbs. I’m emotionally starved at the moment and sent him a text last night telling him that I am available to see him this week. After all he wants to see, me. He tells me he does. Well as usual he vanished and I guarantee he won’t text back for days. Not until he feels he is safe or until he can say he is busy at work. So maddening. Always saying he will meet up with me soon. Done. Very done and I’ll know a narcissist the next time I come across one. It’s painful and I’m empty from giving him all I had. He could have had such a great relationship with me but he made decisions that prevented that. Figured he was the one but the universe had other plans and sent me an ass clown.