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When someone shows us who they are, they’re showing us their values. If that’s different to who we are and where we want to go, we have to acknowledge this incompatibility. But sometimes, despite what we know, we look to give a second (or umpteenth) chance. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into why we need to be really honest with ourselves if we’re going to give (or receive) a chance with love, care, trust and respect.

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Nuggets From The Episode

  • People trust people who they share similar values with.
  • When we contemplate giving a second (or whatever) chance to someone who’s already showed us their values, it’s because we didn’t; like their values. We’re hoping to give a second chance so that we can stop being disappointed.
  • Sometimes what a person wants is to be a Chance-Worthy Person. It’s not necessarily that there’s a genuine intention and desire for change, and more that they just want to know that we will give them a chance. They want to know that we’re willing to ‘go there’. It’s why I hear from so many people who give another chance only for the person to disappear or revert to their usual self.
  • When we give another chance despite compelling reasons not to, we’re sending the message that all is forgiven (even if it isn’t).

Sometimes people want another chance without having gone through the transformation [required for the chance to be successful].

  • A second chance might be treated as a magic bullet for eradicating discomfort, upset and, yes, shame. Of course, when the feelings lessen or disappear due to being granted another chance, so might the actions to match the professed change.
  • We also like to see ourselves as a Chance-Giving Person.
  • A lot of us being caught up in ‘giving chances’ and whether someone is ‘worthy’ of it is driven by our desire to control the situation or, yes, the person.
  • When we discover that we’re incompatible with someone and we then struggle with the disappointment, we sometimes act as if our chance for what we want died with that person. Hence, a second chance becomes the resurrection of our hopes and desires.
  • Wanting a second chance with someone so that we can prove something to ourselves is not in the best interests of the other party. It’s not taking them into account.

Be careful of robbing someone of a lesson that they need to learn.

  • If, in the process of wanting someone to have different values, we end up forgetting our values, we’re doing ourselves a disservice.
  • Someone who has genuine intentions has already given consideration to what will be different next time. They know what the issue is or are already committed to finding out. They have a level of a plan and know what they’ve learned.
  • There are various ways to ‘give chances’ without pulling ourselves down in the process. Sometimes the way we give a second chance is, ironically, not giving them that chance. Then you’re giving them a chance to be someone else, to solve the problem, to move out of the problem.
  • Let’s remember that we also need to ensure that in the process of whatever we’re doing in life, that we’re giving us the best possible chance not just to survive but thrive with love, care, trust and respect and to be more of who we really are.

Links mentioned

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