holdign a heart

If you imagine driving a car, after your initial acceleration, you still have to hold it steadily in order to go anywhere and have a quality journey. Sometimes you have to give it a little more ‘gas’, sometimes you have to gently apply pressure to the brakes, and sometimes you have to slam down on them – this is the same as holding your own in relationships.

The only position for you in a relationship is to arrive to it as an equal party and remain equal. You can only do this if you know yourself and don’t think that being yourself, having boundaries and saying NO is a danger to you having a relationship.

Particularly for women, many of us ‘arrive’ talking the talk of holding our own and then in a blink of an eye, it’s gone or we don’t walk the walk but keep up the talk. We’re putting our lives on hold to wait around for someone that asked for our number to call, relegating friends, family and even work into the background, open 24/7 like a Tesco superstore or 7Eleven, and we think it’s totally normal to explain and reexplain disrespect.

Your value, your values, boundaries, sense of self and self esteem are not a ‘game’ or only there to serve the purpose of getting someone through the door.

If your sense of self and self-esteem go into a decline or are abandoned as soon as you attach yourself to someone or get a sniff of interest, it’s like taking your foot off the peddle. Much like in a learner car with a driving instructor, whoever you’re involved with has the option of taking over the ‘footwork’. If it’s a temporary blip, they’ll likely chalk it up to no big deal but much like a driving instructor, if it becomes clear that you’re not holding your own and in fact are incapable of it, their confidence in your abilities diminishes rapidly and you communicate all the wrong things about yourself.

The wonderful thing is that you pay a driving instructor to recognise where you need work and help. In relationships, it’s not the job of the other party to teach or force you to hold your own.

When you don’t hold your own, there’s either a major shortfall in the relationship or the other party will grab onto the power.

The respectful person that knows their own mind, will recognise that the type of mutually fulfilling relationship they potentially want cannot work. The less you hold your own, the more alarm bells that ring, is the further you diminish your own value.

The opportunistic person will take you on a drive to Booty Call Town, or Periodical Ego Stroke Town, Passing Time Town, Rainy Day Option Town, Last Resort Town or even Abusive Town.

You’re not that desperate.

Both sexes are looking for relationship partners that can hold their own, not doormats.

Doormats don’t get more dates, commitment, respect, happiness etc – they get people rubbing their feet in, putting themselves on a pedestal, not feeling like they have to commit, and being treated like an option.

Desperation, even in its more subtle forms is highly unattractive.

If you’re willing to take your foot off the peddle so soon into a relationship, to be indispensable, and to devalue yourself, and you don’t even know them or aren’t in a mutual relationship, it begs the question of what you’d do for someone you know or have even the flimsiest of ‘commitments’ with?

You may think you’re communicating that:

You’re available

You’re very interested

You’re in love

You love them unconditionally (read: without boundaries)

You’ll do anything for them

But you’re actually communicating that you’re desperate.

You’re communicating that you’re too available – “Let me abandon my friends, family, work, health, sense of self and personal time to make way for someone I hardly know/who takes the piss and treats me like an option.” You’re saying “I don’t value my time” and truth be told, if you’re willing to do so much or so quickly for them, they assume this is how you are with everyone you’ve been involved with even if you say different.

You’re communicating that you have a disproportionate interest in them – How can you be willing to be and do so much off the back of a potential you’re hoping for but that they’re not living up to? You can communicate that you’re interested without being desperate and throwing your life and self respect away.

You’re communicating that you don’t love yourself enough – If you did, there’s no way in hell you’d be so quick to abandon yourself or put up with rinky dink behaviour. You’re actually saying “I love you or the idea of what you could be more than I love myself.” and “I’d sell me who I’ve known since the day I was born for someone I’ve known for a wet week/month/year.

You’re communicating that you have no limits – For someone that you hardly know or has shown they’re not available for the relationship you want, that’s like a red flag to an assclown bull or for someone half way decent to hit the eject button.

You’re inadvertently communicating that you’re desperate – How the hell can you be so indispensable? Leave something off the table and be indispensable to yourself!

They’re just not that special and you’re not that desperate. Really you’re not.

You’re at a stage in life where whether you realise it or not, you can take care of you. Even if there are things that you’re aspiring for or need to address, you can take care of you. If you don’t think you can, you’d better figure out how before you get out there on your dating saddle. You’re not that desperate for a relationship that you need to throw away everything and unless someone is adding to your life rather than detracting from it, never let someone think that they’re irreplaceable when they’re not even in the same relationship with you or treating you with the basics of love, care, trust, and respect.

Relationship smart people of both sexes recognise inappropriate behaviour, have their own lives and aren’t so afraid to walk away that they’ll keep banking on someone else that keeps disappointing instead of banking on themselves.

They value themselves, their time, and their lives – not just any ‘ole body can come along and have them lock, stock and barrel without stumping up to a mutual relationship.

Get your foot on the peddle of your life and hold your own because it ensures that you ensure you’re treated with love, care, trust, and respect, filters out those who seek to detract from you, and ensures you’ll recognise when you’re not being treated like the valuable person you are.

Only you can hold your own so don’t make decisions based on fear or the idea that if you give it all up that they’ll reciprocate, because by loving blindly and giving excessively, you’re missing the point that they’re not holding their own and being mutual.

Oh and of course, as soon as you recognise that they like busting up your boundaries, put your foot on the peddle and leave them in the dust.

Your thoughts?

Check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl and more in my bookshop.

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