If you’ve ever been with a date or partner and felt their attention and the conversation fade out because they’re so busy drinking in the object of their attentions, following them with their eyes or their heads, doing double and triple takes, staring until they’re noticed, or even flirting outrageously if they have an opportunity to speak to them, you’ll likely have felt uncomfortable.
It’s not easy to be around someone whose attention is easily or very perceptibly diverted, especially if it causes you to raise questions about their character, your perception of the relationship, or even of yourself.
Noticing attractive people is not disrespectful. Checking out to the point of rubbernecking others when you’re on a date/with a partner is.
The difference is that ‘noticing’ something or someone momentarily won’t even register anything discernible to disrupt you both. That or you will be included in that noticing. Rubbernecking is obvious and disrespectful and will exclude you.
People who as standard behave with love, care, trust, and respect and have the ability to empathise, recognise that it’s not the Me Me Me Show and that what they’re comfortable with isn’t necessarily what others are. Once the rubbernecking is flagged up, they’ll seek to avoid knowingly and persistently doing something that’s disrespectful/hurtful out of respect for you and the relationship. It’s also basic courtesy when you’re out on a date not to eye up others.
If they continue, the original issue of them rubbernecking is transcended by an issue of disrespect and crossing boundaries.
My brother is a bachelor Mr Unavailable and doesn’t do it because he doesn’t want to look like a creep. And maybe that’s something to remember: Blatantly checking out someone and rubbernecking is disrespectful to both parties – there’s a fine line between leering and rubbernecking and it’s not attractive.
People make mistakes, stare for a little too long and don’t realise that they were getting carried away, once, twice at a push, especially once you’ve made your discomfort clear. After that, it’s a habit.
It’s an issue if they:
Continue.
Deny it.
Tell you they can’t help themselves.
Claim that you’re needy and need too much attention.
Assert that you have ‘issues’ that are creating the problem – ie the problem isn’t their actions, it’s your issues.
Say it doesn’t mean anything – it means something to you.
It’s perfectly acceptable to have boundaries and to be uncomfortable with rubbernecking – the fact that they aren’t doesn’t make your feelings less valid.
If you have an expectation that they shouldn’t notice anyone it’s a little unrealistic, but if your expectation is that they shouldn’t rubberneck this isn’t unrealistic – basically stick to perceptible and obvious.
When in doubt, the litmus test is to validate your concerns against whether this is about internal fear or external? If it’s the former, there won’t be anything that they’re doing to create concern and it’s your own insecurity talking and if it’s the latter, there’s evidence of rubbernecking.
For eg. There is a big difference between a beautiful woman coming into a room, there being no perceptible change in a partner, but you claiming that you know they must be looking at them. However if a beautiful woman comes in and they rubberneck, that’s external stuff creating your concern.
If rubbernecking speaks to the insecurities and beliefs that you hold, it’s important to evaluate if it’s actually reflective of what you feel. For instance if it’s the part of you that feels like you’re not good enough or the part that struggles with abandonment and rejection, being with a rubbernecker is a non-starter. I wouldn’t put yourself through the pain in the arse agony of trying to get the validation of changing them.
If you are insecure, the truth is that rubbernecking will be one of a few things bugging you, if not now, soon enough. If you’re not insecure, you’ll respect your discomfort and boundaries and won’t allow them to say it’s all imagined.
However even if you do have insecurities, that doesn’t make you not wanting partners to rubberneck any less valid.
Does rubbernecking mean that you’re not good enough or that they’re rejecting/abandoning you? NO, and that’s simply because that’s placing yourself at the centre of someone else’s actions and making it solely about you ie. they’re doing X because of Y about me. You also have to be careful of labelling screw ups on another person’s part as rejection or abandonment of you/the relationship. If you do feel this way, you still need to work on your personal security even if they do stop rubbernecking.
The truth is that sometimes people rubberneck because they are so used to doing it that they lack conscientiousness and then for some, it’s a respect issue.
If you don’t know which one it is, you’ll soon find out when you flag it up – if it’s the former, they’ll respect your position etc and if it’s the latter, they’ll pull the shady stuff and/or continue to do it.
What I don’t recommend is that you put up with it out of fear of looking needy and jealous because you’ll compromise yourself and experience a great deal of anxiety pushing down your feelings.
If it’s the first few dates it’s likely a flush handle situation. Either nip it in the bud or set a limit of a certain number of dates, and if it continues flush. Just be careful of becoming invested and rationalising it.
If you’re further into the relationship, calmly explain your position. Describe what you saw (be specific as it paints a picture) because if they don’t perceive their actions as ‘checking out’ or ‘rubbernecking’, they’ll deny it. Follow it with ‘I’ll be honest, when I saw you doing that, I felt like you were being disrespectful’ and leave it there. Don’t over explain and keep it brief.
If they deny it, make sure you hear the code amber alert. Don’t deny or minimise – you can always ask them what they were doing. If they become aggressive, or claim you’re insecure or that you have issues, make sure you hear code red alert because that’s highly inappropriate deflection.
Note if you have had previous experiences of this and have seen evidence, don’t stick around to participate in relationship insanity.
If they claim they can’t control themselves, you’re fighting a losing battle – they won’t control themselves.
You’ve verbalised your boundary – if it happens again after you’ve made it clear that it’s disrespectful, you have to make a judgement call and evaluate whether there is enough going on here to make it worthwhile trying to work at this issue or whether you know that this is your limit and it’s time to bail. If there’s other code red/amber stuff, rubbernecking is just some not all of the issue and you don’t want to go into firefighting mode, trying to put out the flames of hotspots in your relationship.
Someone who is in your corner sharing a relationship with you (or wants to be) won’t expect you to break your neck trying to explain why you don’t want them ogling others.
I have a basic rule with adults: I’m not explaining simple acts of respect or my boundaries till I’m blue in the face to no-one. You shouldn’t have to teach a grown adult how to respect you so keep that in mind before you embark on raising anyone from the ground up.
Your thoughts?
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This is one of the best articles so far. This is my #1 peeve in a relationship and in the past I’ve had people deny it or tell me that it was my issue. Thanks for the code amber and code red flags on this! Now I know better!! Your advice is invaluable!
I love the very last paragraph. This is gonna be one of my new rules for the future. I am sick of “teaching” assclowns right from wrong; constantly fighting for my respect. They truly don’t give a shit anyway. They just think you have the problem. If you gotta explain common sense and you are met with resistance, he’s an idiot. Flush and find someone that has substance.
AGREED! LOVE that last paragraph!
Yes I agree too. We dont need to teach anyone at this age. The last paragraph connected with me too, for a slightly different scenario though. New boyfriends ex gf wants to take him out for his 50th birthday, as they mutually split to remain friends 4 months ago. Umm lets see if he does the right thing. I said its inappropriate, but really after reading this from Nat feel I should have said nothing and just seen if he treated me with love care trust and respect.
Hi Ruth
I hope I am not out of line, but this guy ended his last relationship just 4 mos. ago and now he is in a new one with you? Please be cautious, especially since he and the ex are now ‘friends’. He might not have bothered to process his last break-up before getting involved with you.
I agree too. With one of my Ex-BFs, a few months into the relationship, there was this incident during his birthday garden party. There was a very young, very flirty girl who at some point got cold, and he and his married brother put a blanket over her, using this as an occasion to grope her in as many places as possible. Furthermore, they did it in a very theatralical way, as if they wanted to say: Look, how cool we guys are! We managed to find an excuse to openly grope this gorgeous girl!
I was pissed, because I thought my BF acted disrespectfully both towards me and the other girl (and his brother towards his wife too). But then I thought, well, this young girl is very attractive, maybe I have no right to complain… Therefore, I addressed the topic with him, but only in a very shy and defensive way.
I’m now sure I was right. Regarding the problems in this relationship, this was only the tip of the iceberg anyway.
I’m also realizing how disgusted I was by those two guys’ behavior. Yes, I was somewhat jealous of the girl, because she was young and flirty. At the same time, she seemed like a vulnerable, helpless little bird who wasn’t really able to control all the attention she got. I didn’t want to be in her shoes. To be honest, the very idea creeped me out. Maybe jealousy wasn’t the real problem for me. I just made myself believe I was jealous because I didn’t want to feel disgusted.
For many years, I kept excusing men who sexually molested weaker women (by telling myself I was just jealous, among other things). I guess this way I tried to excuse my father whose behavior was so very repulsive.
Oh my ex was master DEFLECT on his rubbernecking. He once did it in a train station so badly that I stopped talking, looked at the girl and said “yea, she’s really pretty but I’m talking and finding your distraction…distracting and rude.” I said it calmly and collected and of course he told me not to flip out and used this instance against me repeatedly as being an insecure, attention-hungry girlfriend. Always talking about that time I “freaked out.” It makes me so angry thinking about it. Just another one of his many tactics to turn it all back on me for his original shady behavior.
Oddly enough when he referred to me “freaking out” I never said anything back because my boundaries were so poor and I thought that me even acknowledging him checking out another girl was, indeed, freaking out.
Oh how far I’ve come. Thanks to you Natalie..and ladies!
“People make mistakes, stare for a little too long and don’t realise that they were getting carried away, once, twice at a push, especially once you’ve made your discomfort clear. After that, it’s a habit.”
Thanks for addressing this, Natalie. My ex-AC never admitted to doing this, and I allowed his complete denial to have me question my judgment. I may have insecurities, but his behaviour was just part of a larger pattern of absolutely needing to prove to himself he could get the attention of any woman he found attractive and denying his struggle to hide that from me.
Once, after I had gotten upset about a particularly weird incident with him drawing me into an ex-girlfriend’s, now “good friend”‘s desperate, suicide-threatening call for his rescue, he took me out to give me a talking-to, to let me know he would tolerate no opposition to the way he took care of his friends. He already knew I thought he looked at other women: whether he did it on purpose or not, I know he was very angry at me, and at that dinner he spent a good five minutes ogling the beautiful young women at the next table.
I felt so chastised already from the other thing, I felt like he was testing me to see if I would dare challenge him staring. It was so blatant. I felt like he was rubbing my nose in shit as I sat there. But I said nothing. So he was placated.
God … too much air time on this guy, still. The shameful feeling that I should never have challenged him still lingers, even though intellectually I am basically just telling myself this person deserves no mental energy.
Magnolia
Maybe I’m a horrible person but if someone really wants to kill themselves they would do it and not make dramatic phone calls to ex boyfriends. You know that.
You can’t win with an AC – if you hadn’t challenged him you would be kicking yourself for staying quiet. You did challenge him and now you’re kicking yourself for that. The only way to win is to walk away. And forget them.
Years ago, I had this BF who was frequently in touch with his ex-GF. She had dumped him for another guy who was apparently abusing and beating her all the time, and to such an extent that at some point she even lost a baby. My BF claimed he only wanted to help her get out of this relationship, but apparently she rejected his offers to help her. I was torn. On the one hand, I understood she was in a dangerous situation and needed help, but on the other hand, was my BF (her ex) really the right person to help her? I suspected selfish reasons behind his behavior. I believed he was trying to get validation, because she was the one who had left him.
He also had this very young female friend of about 18 years (he was 30), who spent hours and hours at his apartment, apparently whining about her BF and other things. During his birthday party (this wasn’t the same guy I mentioned above, and another birthday party) he got very excited before her arrival, making me believe she mattered much more to him than I. At some point, my BF said (seemingly proudly): “Her BF is such an ass. I’m sure they are going to break up soon.” Anyway, he claimed his relationship with this girl was like “uncle and niece”.
I was never sure how to react to all this, whether I was just too possessive or insecure (or just too old, almost 30 too – maybe all guys really wanted teenage girls???) I also thought: Well, maybe he needs those women for validation, because he is somewhat plain and not very successful in many other fields, and therefore I shouldn’t try to steal this source of ego-boost from him.
Well, instead of trying to “fix” him, I should have rather looked at my own problems. Without them, I wouldn’t have chosen a guy like this, I guess…
Seems as if I had a knack for weird, nerdy guys who either threated women disrespectfully or tended to have questionable relationships with them. I was probably dating copies of my own father.
I’m also realizing how I (secretly) used to look down on many of my ex-BFs. I’ve never put them down openly, but I had those thoughts. I think this is quite obvious from some of my remarks about this ex above (*sigh*).
Been quite an AC too. Unfortunately, beating myself up for this behavior doesn’t help (been there, done that). I hope addressing the underlying problems will help.
Sorry for frequent posting, I just seem to have new insights whenever I hit “Submit”…
My mother used to threat my father like a doormat, always ridiculing him or putting him down. He, in turn,threated me in sexually inappropriate ways and otherwise controlled me with scary temper tantrums. I even suspect him doing those awful things to me in order to get back at my narcissistic mother, making her doubt her sexual attractivity.
By dating guys whom I secretly looked down upon, while they obsessed over younger girls (or at least I suspected them to do this), I probably repeated this very ugly pattern my parents created. Embarrassing.
I hope this doesn’t appear twice…I entered a comment and it disappeared…wierd. EllyB you are doing some awesome work within yourself. Wow. Painful…but damn important…baggage reclaim for sure…then offloading once it’s done it’s work. Congratulations. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Leisha, thanks for your comment! Helps me putting my feet back on the ground while I feel as if I have to cut loose so many things around me…
Girlfriend that man sounded EVIL. Like you were his child that he could use and abuse because you were “his”. Very twisted. Good riddance!
OOPS That comment was directed to Magnolia’s post…sorry
I personally find any sort of rubbernecking offensive -when I’m with someone, which is usually on a casual basis, I figure they can rubberneck all they want when they’re not with me. Seems disrespectful to me and it also looks bad in public. Looking is one thing, rubbernecking is another. It can be a deal breaker for me.
Anyway the last almost serious thing with an EUM, that’s what ended it. One night we’re out seeing some live music and he keeps staring at another woman… by the end of the night he wouldn’t take his eyes off her, say “I’m such a douchbag, I’m such a douchbag” at which point I said that I’d rather go home and masturbate thank you very much and that he could take a hike. I suspect he was getting back at me for not being a doormat in regards to other issues, but whatever… in one way it was up front, which I way prefer over lying and secrets, but it’s still not cool.
It’s so rude and disrespectful, do it on your own clock assclowns not on mine.
The last idiot I was involved with (only lasted a couple of weeks) not only was perving at another girl in the pub where we were, then proceeded to play pool with her and flirt all over her.
While he was slutting around over her, I got my stuff together and just left.
Flush.
Good article as always xx
I lived in Seattle with a Rubbernecker. We walked almost daily and he constantly made direct eye contact with every attractive woman that we passed on the streets, on the bus, in the grocery stores.
One time a woman coming down the street as we went up responded to his stare by raising her arms over her heads as we met as if saying “take me here on the street”! I cussed them both out on the spot and continued my walk home – with he at my heels.
Another time in the grocery store he caught another woman’s attention and she actually snapped her head back to meet his gaze. I put down my grocery items and left the store – with him to follow me.
He even did this while riding as a passenger in a car with me! An attractive girl in car next to us as we were stopped at a light. She caught his stare and they exchanged happy smiles!!
Above is only three examples, but he did this consistently during our two years of living together. Oh yeah, it wasn’t even really limited to women; we were on a date at a local Seattle music venue – a total stranger guy approached us, had a conversation with my boyfriend and excluded me from it, then gave my guy an intimate full-body hug and walked away. Point is: My guy allowed it, knew it was disrespectful, did it any way.
I had several calm talks with my boyfriend about how I felt when he constantly caught other’s attention with his stare. I told him it was disrespectful and asked him not to do it. My talking did no good because he continued to do this. I realized it to be one of the many signs that he was mentally unbalanced and he did fit all the criteria of being a PSYCHOPATH.
His mother committed suicide when he was 11, and then he was raised by an abusive alcoholic father. A real Psychopath and not just a cruel term that I have labeled him with. I lived with and dealt with ALL of his mental and emotional disfunction – WOW, and you know what?
It took me five (5) difficult years to get over him. At one point I nearly did not survive – was suicidal and had no health insurance. But I perservered, and I made it. I’m still not in a new relationship as I have raised the bar on relationships & that bar isn’t realistically set too high. There just…
My issue was that my X was constantly upset and blowing up over small strange things. For instance an old, overweight man at the markets who sold fruit, gave me some for free. My X stormed off and cracked it !
He got upset about us getting a massage from an old hippy at a well established massage/beauty place, if i spoke to people he would get jealous, he was even making remarks about his grandpa and younger brother and even females. Didnt matter what they looked like, what sex, how old, friends, strangers and family. He would become insanely jealous and blow up. YET i caught him numerous times rubber necking, at 1st id try to ignore but if it went on for to long id get annoyed. Why was he allowed to blow up over a market man giving extra fruit yet he could sit there gawking at a young attractive women? So id say something like” Do you know that women, you seem to be staring at her alot” This would be followed by his standard blowing up and of course id end up feeling bad like ive caused something followed by him going cold for days while he decided if he actually wanted to be with me any longer for DARING to ask a question or daring to call him on something.
What a joke, so glad im rid of the idiot !
Trinity, don’t you just love the ones that are crazy jealous and yet they are the ones with the rubbernecking tendencies? It’s like Projection 101. Glad you flushed this loser!
A classic, Natalie! It isn’t just rubbernecking -its any obvious and repeated signs of disrespect in the relationship. If you point out how certain actions or words hurt your feelings and they don’t care – red alert. If they are chronically late and keep you waiting – red alert. If they spend dinner texting other people – red alert.
I struggled a lot with the question of what was my neediness and insecurity and what was his bad behaviour. In the end, it came down to his complete lack of respect for me. As long as I was willing to put up with it, he was fine. When I began to complain and ask for consideration, I was told I was needy. When I said I wouldn’t tolerate it any more, I was kicked to the kerb.
I have always believed you teach people how to treat you. I used to think that meant giving lectures to assclowns about how to be respectful. What a waste of time and effort! Now I see that all it means is that I have boundaries and lines I won’t allow others to cross. If he is disrespectful, you point it out and if the behaviour doesn’t stop or gets worse, walk away. Don’t lecture, don’t whine, don’t try and change him. Simply walk away. That is how you teach people how to treat you – by not tolerating bad treatment.
Thanks for the reminder Debra on that it can also be any signs of disrespect… My ex called me by a name that I hated repeatedly. I asked him to stop then saw that he had called me by it on his computer (ie) music under ‘………’ His own private joke of disrespect. Reading your comment today helped me to continue to walk away. If you stay you are giving clear green light for disrespect. x
I nearly got trigger-happy and pulled the flush handle on my current bloke when we had just got together because of this. We were at a party, everyone was verrry drunk and he was ‘joking around’ with a friend of mine, but I felt it went a bit far and I felt very uncomfortable with their ‘friendly bantering’. I was thinking of calling the whole thing off, so I text a girl friend of mine, with very good boundaries and healthy love habits, who advised me to talk about it with him first. I’m glad I did! He was horrified that he had upset me, assured me that he didn’t mean anything by it and promised it would never happen again. I kept an eye on it, but four months later and it has never been an issue since, no matter what the social setting.
The thing I was most concerned about was my own reaction. I seemed to have gone to the opposite extreme, where I didn’t have amber flags – everything was a gigantic, red, flashing neon billboard! I think that’s a risk once you come out of an unhealthy relationship. You develop good boundaries, but perhaps they’re too good! You end up being very jumpy and not being willing to negotiate, you just flush straight away out of fear. It’s definitely a learning curve!
If this happened in early stages of dating, first few dates, I wouldn’t even bother to mention it….just wouldn’t see the guy again.
This to me suggests ,’out of control in a sweetie shop’ mentality on his part and may suggest all sorts of other ingrained attitudes to women and the expectation that you would tolerate such bad behaviour? So if this is happening to you regularly….why enable such disrespect?
Perhaps the flip side of the coin?
My ex EUM once had me look down at the table in a restaurant because an old leery guy at the next table was checking out everyone, waitresses,other women(including me). My EUM said in stage whisper…’Don’t you dare make eye contact’… Believe you me, It wasn’t my priority.The significant thing for me was that in a situation like that the EUM thought that I was somehow at fault??? This was glaring indication of of his inane possessiveness towards women. I would subsequently be accused of fancying 83 year olds,ex husbands,childhood friends etc etc, ad nauseum. Draining.
What this excellent article has raised for me is; If we tolerate it,hate it,moan about it….then we should do something about it! Other than that we are enablers.
I tolerated this behaviour for several months after it emerged and rather than list a litany of his possessiveness faults I am now looking at why in the early stages of our relationship such jealousy made me feel secure in his love.What was it about me during this time that made such awful control of me so acceptable? I am working through that daily.
In the context of this article, if we tolerate constant rubber-necking, why so? Is it the fact that somehow it’s the clarion call to win the attention of the ‘straying eye ‘guy back to you.Do you equate love with imbalance, having to try harder, fighting for attention….? Again it’s all about the EUM/AC having you dance to their fcked up tune.
Whenever I have addressed rubbernecking to ex bf’s I would frequently get, “I just like to people watch” ( they were only looking at attractive women, not old women or even any men) and get told I am acting insecure or jealous. It is like a catch 22. You address it and all of a sudden your the one who has the problem. This has happened so many times . I have tried to do the same and stare at other men in front of them, not only did I feel childish, it felt so disrespectful I couldn’t do it. I ended up trying harder to keep their attention, getting anxiety before we go out, worrying about what I look like and generally feeling even more insecure. I have always struggled with being insecure but like Natalie said, even though you may be insecure, rubbernecking still isn’t okay.
I dated a guy a couple years who did this to the point of being ridiculous. I couldn’t even have a conversation with him because he was always looking the other way or behind him or past me, never at me, but always at another woman. I would even say something stupid to see if he was even listening like, ” Then I went and robbed the bank and stole an airplane to get away.”, he wouldn’t hear it, no response. When I finally brought it up he said I was jealous and he didn’t want to walk on eggshells around me, that he needed to feel comfortable when we went out. Never mind me being uncomfortable or even embarressed by his behaviour. He never stopped doing it. He was a full on AC though, in many ways. But even with guys who aren’t, I have felt like they really think its something woman should just accept about them because it is just what men do. Men look, we all know that, but the woman being objects to look at has been taught to them since childhood, look at the magazines right next to the candy at the check out in the grocery store. It is pics of women looking sexy. In general, I think this kind of disrespect has been accepted for so long that they feel like we are being unreasonable for asking them to tone it down. Some men are capable of hearing you out but I just find it tiring honestly to have to do this.
jenny
I’ve had more than my share of EUMs/ACs and only a few of them did the rubbernecking thing, and of those few I could count on one hand the number of times they did it. Not all men do it.
My brothers never do it, in fact I look at women more than they do (I like to check out nice outfits and hair). Or they hide it well, lol, but at least hiding it means they have enough awareness to know that rubbernecking would make them look like creeps. It’s not respectful to me (even though I’m just their sister), their wives or, frankly, the women they are ogling.
The worst part is being told “Your jealousy is going to destroy our relationship.” My counsellor asked, “Well, are you jealous?” And I thought, yeah, I am, so it must be my fault. I mean, don’t we identify ACs by their jealous and suspicious behaviour?
It’s a dynamic in many cases: insecure person A, who desperately wants to not be cheated on, picks person B, who thrives on seeing person A get jealous.
If Person A develops boundaries, chooses. instead of pursuing and ‘winning’ people who set off insecurities, not to engage them, person B never sees Person A as giving them the ego stroke of ‘needing’ them, so person B isn’t interested either.
My ex described women who responded dismissively or offendedly to his flirtatious looks or ‘innocent’ questions as arrogant.
This helps clarify the issue. And my insecurity over a boyfriend checking out another woman (or even thinking he might be) has caused me some stress in the past. I notice attractive people too BUT I don’t try and make it look like I’m looking at something else to get another look at them. Unless I’m single, which I am, then I may look a little longer. I’ve done things behind a man’s back, I admit all that. And I’m not pointing the blame at men. I’d appreciate a man to focus on me and heck with all the other women around. If he happens to notice a pretty lady, fine, but put your eyes back over here on me. Or is that too much insecurity talking?
I get that not every woman is going to be bothered by it. And I don’t want to have to ask the guy every time he looks away from me and an attractive woman is anywhere near if he is looking at her. It’s just a sore spot with me. I’m also a woman who is bothered by a boyfriend watching porn ESPECIALLY if I’m not around. I came across an ex’s porno “problem” once and saw he was watching it everyday when he got off work. I actually left a video playing and asked him about it. He looked defeated and said it was a release for him, to watch it and whack off. Maybe to another woman this would not have mattered. But it bothered me. Insecurity or not. He said he would stop. I don’t know if he ever did. Doesn’t matter now. Anyway, I’m just rambling.
Haha! My boyfriend’s guilty, and yes I get annoyed sometimes. C’mon, you’re with me, I should have your eyes. Seriously, We talked about it and well, he does not do it anymore. I hope.
My exAC rubbernecked when we first dated and when I asked him not to he was defensive, saying he’d got in the habit while single, etc. He kept doing it and I kept telling him I found it offensive, but to no avail. Then one day he was leering at some fourteen year olds (we were both in our late 30s) and I just said “It looks like you’re practising up to be a dirty old man.” He was embarassed and angry but never did it again (in front of me).
My ex not only ogled nearly all the women when we were out and about, he passed comments on the size of their boobs etc which really pissed me off. He used to say he did not see anything wrong with his behaviour when i called him out on it…
until…..
One day as a guy was walking towards us, i said ‘Wow, just look at that bulge in his pants, i bet he’s got a large lunch box’! Needless to say although he may have carried on ogling, he never passed a single comment after that. Whats good for the goose and all that lol……
Hi Painted Lady, I went to work yesterday after reading Natalie’s article and discussed ‘rubber necking’ with a couple of colleagues.
My work friend said that her husband used to bring reflective ,wraparound sunglasses with him on hols so that he could lie on the beach and ogle all the pretty bods(apparently unnoticed!).
One day they settled on the beach…and he put the glasses on, lay back on the sunlounger and looked at her…and she was wearing a pair too!!!
He binned them that night, apparently they ‘didn’t suit him’
Goose and Gander! X
This is going to sound totally off the wall. After months of being close to tears and even actually sobbing hysterically over my MM/AC, I was at work today and all of a sudden just had a breakthrough, I have had enough and decided that I am just so over it. I am so tired of this sorrow, don’t care, and want to move on. I feel like I could talk to him like any one else (of course I am NC, and would not dream of it, but if I ran into him, I could be calm, okay maybe a flutter or two, but unbeknownst to him). This may be temporary, I don’t know, but it felt good, in fact I am relieved. Has anyone else ever felt like this before?
I have, Nevertoolate. It’s such a relief.
Watch out, though, because you can have ‘relapses’ from time to time, but I think these are part of the normal process as well. Eventually the ‘good times’ start to outweigh the ‘bad patches’, though.
I find it’s helpful NOT to think about talking to him, even in a normal way, because sometimes this is the slippery slope to breaking No Contact.
More power to your … POWER!
NTL: I have definitely had that moment. Its like you are in dark clouds and you have a moment of sun shining on your face. You understand where you have been and that its not worth it. For a moment, you feel a little stronger, clearer and more free. It is a relief and that is the most wonderful thing – you KNOW that living the other way is a burden. From my experience, don’t worry if the clouds and sun fight for a time. The fact that you have felt the sun and can see the future path for yourself is SO important. Healing is never an easy path, but it is worthwhile to reach a stronger you. Someone recently posted the advice to visit BR often and I agree. The positive support and honest, straightforward talk provided here is not something I was always willing or able to give myself. Natalie’s words were the first time that a person shared tough yet compassionate words with me. Her posts opened my eyes and gave it to me straight.
That’s just my experience. Once I had that “moment”, I knew I was headed in the right direction. I took big steps forward and some little steps back, but I always gained ground and built strength and clarity. Fourteen months after what I thought was the “end”, my life has changed in many large ways for the better. My self-esteem and ability to maintain boundaries is at an all-time high level. And I am sincerely glad that things with the EUM did not turn out differently. I can say that with a grateful heart.
Goodness, that was a long post for me… :). I guess your words struck a chord with where I have been.
No not off the wall, keep going… Everyone on this site supporting you. It’s a process tho’..sometimes you have moments or days like you are having, then you just want to pick up the phone. Don’t beat yourself up about that.Your breakthrough is brilliant.
I find that today I can look at the good and the bad and still realise that I am right about NC. My over analysis phase lessening. my responsibility for my own behaviour growing… Your feelings may be temporary, sure, but concentrate on how good those feelings feel in comparison to how you felt in the relationship? All good thoughts to you… x
Never
Yes. It may be temporary BUT it’s a good sign and eventually leads to you barely thinking of him. I was skipping round the room with joy when I cut off my ex. Then a couple of days later I was sad again. But now a few months down the line (I’ve lost track cos I don’t care anymore), it’s all in the past.
Yep, been there! The feeling came and went at first. I would have a couple of calm days, then feel sad again, but it’s a start! I initially felt like i didn’t care if i bumped into him, but then i saw a friend of his while out and about and the thought that he might be in the vicinity got me all flustered, because i DIDN’T want to see him. That was the first step for me. It got a lot easier after that.
Everyone is different, but i think moving on starts when you REALLY want to move on, when you, like you say, get tired of being miserable and want to get to a happier place. Acutally moving on happens when you no longer care what they think, why they did what they did and just look upon them as just another guy you once went out with. I still see my ex EUM from time to time, we’re ‘aquaintences’ – i wouldn’t call us friends. We chat in a perfectly civilised way when we see eachother on a night out, but to me he’s just another face in the room.
It all starts where you are now. That place of calm. You may have days where you feel down and feel like you’re taking a step backwards, but it takes time. Focus on anything else but him and appreciate the calm days. They will get more and more frequent.
What is it today with the attitude of men?
Tits and ass are everywhere, I don’t know where to begin?
On TV and in magasines they disrespect women,
Like dogs on heat, women are meat,
I see it time and time again.
I can not swallow all of their bollox when they have a beautiful wife,
Yet because her tits aint big enough,
He has a wank mag on the side.
He looks around at all the skirt,
Even the teenagers at school,
Yet his wife adores him,
Thinks he’s great and has no clue at all.
The bloke in question, his name is Dick
His meaning to life is based on his Prick.
He talks about girls to all his Prick Mates,
And they all have their point scores on their so called
“Fuck Dates”
Men think that its OK to look at nude younger girls,
Why wouldn’t they?
It’s all over the Flipping world.
By writing this stuff I might of turned off some listeners,
Then turn off you Fuckwit, I’m looking out for my sisters!
If your man reads magasines and talks about tits,
Then I say leave him the fuck alone,
Because he’s full of shit!
He hasn’t the first clue in him self let alone you.
It’s his insecurity girl that makes him do what he do.
What makes me laugh is when the girlfriend says something like…
“Am I as pretty as her? … Do my boobs look alright?”
Then her man reassures her of more of his bullshit,
And then says that she’s insecure and that she has to deal with it?
BOLLOX, Thats crap and I’ll tell you why,
When you enter a relationship you are meant to say goodbye!
Goodbye to the “eye candy”, you’ve found your perfect girl,
But no its bollox ain’t it, you just want a thrill.
Commitment’s to the woman not a lie you use for fun,
If you were any type of MAN at all she would be your only one!
Does your woman talk of her triumphs over men,
Does she go round marking her blokes out of 10?
Does she grope boys on the ass?
Or Does she have some class?
Well if the later one is true,
I’m throwing it back to you.
Your the PRICK,
Your name is DICK.
Now What the fuck (WTF) YOU gonna do?
Enjoy xxx Crystal D’Esprit
Cool poem, Crystal!!!!! 😀
lol!
Are wandering eyes associated with a roving penis? Natalie, that was such a great comment. Been thinking about it all day.
Ladies take it from me, I’m over 40.
Do. NOT. Tolerate rubberneckers! It’s an terrible form of abuse.
Hasn’t happened to me in over 10 years. Last time it did I told the bf at the time, if I can catch you eye F’ing, that’s too much. If you want them so bad I’m gonna let you go to them. Voila!
Now that I’ve been dating and celibate for almost a year no way will I tolerate that sort of disrespect at my age if a man hasn’t learned common decency he has no place in my life.
AMEN!
It’s RUDE, it’s disrespectful, it’s immature it’s selfish. Nuff said.
My ex (EU) used to flirt with EVERY waitress we met in EVERY restaurant we have ever gone. He asked once to hold a hand to supposedely see her painted nails, he once asked to take a photo of one using his mobile in front of me, he used to call them ‘dearest, love’, etc, another one was quite taken with him so she actually touched his hand under my very eyes and kept looking at him from afar, anyway, he was the waitresses king and loved to make me feel low in front of them.
Some guys get off on your reaction to them looking at other women while with you. They like that you’re jealous. It makes them feel good. What guy on this planet doesn’t know that this behavior is going to bother any woman???? I don’t care how much self esteem a woman has, it’s going to bother her. If he doesn’t respect you enough to not do that be prepared for being disrespected in other ways. These men don’t value women and relationships with them. Talk to them all you want aabout how it bothers you a caring person would change their behavior, and uncaring one will not. I have had situations where I have told bf’s about it and they argued with me saying things like well I’m not going to sleep with her or anything. If you tell someone that you don’t like this behavior and they keep doing it you better start thinking about moving on.
I know this might sound a little bitter however I’ve made a rule for when i next know (feeling instignt) that a guy I’m with is walking around with his penis on his head. Rather than get upset that its a crit at me or that Mr N E.Nuff comes out then I’m going to be my fun happy with everyone self and help him out a little by.
Saying outloud. “Hey Beautiful” (may have to whistle for him – shy guy you know).
When every woman turns around, say Hmmm “Yes I know your all beautiful, yet I think the shy guy with the uncontrolable penis on his head is looking at …….. You”.
You’re so dazling that he’s not able to focus on his dinner and i know that he would just love to have sex with you as its written all over his face, but the thing is … Hes just too shy to say anything and he’s going to be looking for a new date in a moment so I wonder would you go out with him for lunch?
FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY XXX
Interesting comments about rubbernecking men. I’ve dated lots of men and only the last two did it. they both were ultimately interested in FWB. Most of the men I’ve dated have been respectful and may have glanced but not ogled. It was hard to acknowledge that there was something in me that attracted them – I had poor boundaries at that time. Dumped, flushed, moved on.