I was scanning my backlog of emails from readers looking for advice, most of it about a chump that is totally not worth their while and I could not believe the number of women who said they had so much in common with their guys.
The sheer numbers of you that profess common interests like golf, reading, music, books, outdoors, cooking, eating, DIY (you doing work on his place for free whilst he actually treats you poorly), only seeing each other when it’s dark once a week, walking dogs, making you laugh, molecular science, and yada, yada, yada, is damn well terrifying.
But let me turn this upside down for you -
If you guys don’t share common ground on the things that are actually important to the relationship, the fact that you both like Pavarotti really…doesn’t mean jack sh*t!
Harsh but true. All it means is you both like Pavarotti. If he’s cheating/beating/lying/disrespecting or whatever his MO of choice is, his musical tastes and the fact that he lets you join him on the golf course is nonsense information.The only type of common ground that means anything of real substance in a relationship is if you both share the same common interest in being with each other and being committed to each other and the relationship.
If he makes you laugh till tears roll down your face, that’s great, but if that’s all he’s got going for him, you’d be better of buying a ticket to watch him do stand up. It’d hurt less and cost you less energy, emotion, and self-esteem.
Why do women dwell on this whole ‘we have so much in common’ BS?
Because it gives us a reason to stay invested and avoid admitting that it’s wrong for us.
Another consistent thing I read about these relationships is that often, when the guy says the dreaded words ‘We have nothing in common’, the woman on the receiving end is outraged!
“I TOTALLY disagree!” one woman said to me recently. “We have everything in common and are perfect for each other! I can’t imagine life without him!”
Correction – I can think of at least one thing they don’t have in common and it’s that she wants a relationship with him and he doesn’t. She had better start imagining life without him…
If you don’t share the common ground of YOU then this relationship ship is not going to sail. Period.
He may well be an assclown, but the reality is that what you believe is your common ground is not his common ground.
It is not up to you to decide what you both have in common because if it worked so well, the relationship would not be floundering.
You’re actually projecting your perception of the relationship and for instance, your common interests, plus undoubtedly what you feel for him onto him.
But ultimately, they’re not his interests or feelings, hence you no longer have anything in common.
This is one of those things that you need to accept as a given and not expend too much energy trying to analyse it because you can’t force a common ground and you certainly can’t force a relationship and him to love you as we discussed yesterday.
Look at this way, from the moment that he either says that you have nothing in common or from the moment you discover that you don’t share the common interest of a relationship where you both have both feet in, it is time to make a dignified exit.
Your thoughts?
My new book How to Lose an Assclown in 90 Days is due out next week but if you want to get ahead on understanding waste of space men, there is also my ebook, Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. Find out more and download.
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Stacy, I wish I knew what to say to you as to the fact that he has been with this new woman 5 months. My EUM claims to be involved with some new woman and that he’s just using her but perhaps that will go on for a long time because she allows it.
I try to remind myself that the irony is that I was dumped because I wouldn’t be a doormat. I am a very outspoken woman, certainly I fall into the category of talking too much, but not once I have I begged him back or wept to him. Instead I would tell him how he was a disappointment. This is not productive either, but I can say that I got left because I wouldn’t be submissive. He also told me yesterday that he left me because I was terrible in bed. I am of course obsessing over this today. He claims he is this fabulous lover… really? Great body and all but the guy has zero communication skills and since they are emotionally uninvolved they lack passion.
The other girl could be less anxious, less of a talker, not smart enough to pick up on the same cues we did. It’s quite possible their relationship could last for a long time IF she allows him to continue his behaviour but NOT because his behaviour is not there… it’s how much the next woman is willing to facilitate and put up with. Remember that not a lot of women are aware of what they want, need and many have low standards and are insecure. Look at all of us on here
Either way, whoever or whatever she is… maybe she can just handle more crap and she too does not deserve better she thinks. I keep reminding myself of this. Maybe the girl he’s sleeping with now doesn’t notice that he is cold and uninvolved during sex she just stares at his abs and this makes her happy. I can admit that I was not involved either because my gut said don’t trust this guy, and so I never let any walls down either.
I wish I could call him up and say oh ya what makes you so great? But that’s done with now… remind yourself daily why you are great. Remind yourself that his harsh words do not invalidate you they do not tell you who you are (I am saying this for me too). And it’s really great that we have this site so that we don’t think we made a lot of this up in our heads. Thank you for reinforcing that I was not alone in picking up with the lack of emotion and detachment from all things human.
Hi Stacy,
Just wanted to second what you said. And the book you mentioned sounds worth finding, since I regard myself as a smart woman who has made some really foolish choices. I really understand how you feel. My ex and I had so much in common. My ex-husband was a hot head and when I first met my EUM, his coolness radiated self control and independence, and that attracted me to him. Turned out we had everything in common too, books, music, art, travel, we vacationed and had a blast, movies- the whole thing. But he wouldn’t listen, or share and basically was anal, shut down, in control and controling. Everything had to be his way. Whatever. Now when I meet men, I still am looking for things we have in common because I realize now having shared interests actually is important. But its also important to find a loving, decent, human being. I consider myself SO lucky to not know what this man is doing these days. All my friends disliked him and my path and his do not cross. So I haven’t a clue. I’m sad that both you and Dazed are in the know about your ex’s.
Wendy
Hi Wendy,
I’m not terribly in the know about my ex but yes, the less I know, the better. We have two mutual friends and I try hard not to hear anything about him but occasionally some info gets through. I wish we had no connections to each other because then I would be able to imagine that he was actually dead.
None of my friends or family thought he was any kind of prize. He is so coolly detached, stoic, and introverted that they never got to know him; and he never made much of an effort to get to know my people (whereas I got to know his people quite well – and I must say, his peeps loved me). Unfortunately, I misread his cool detachment also as self-control and independence – I didn’t see it as fear-based insecurity. I also didn’t see it as a sign that he skews toward schizoid personality disorder – I don’t think he actually has it, but he does exhibit a number of the signs. As one friend put it recently, they didn’t understand how someone as warm as me could be with someone as cold as him.
dazed, as far as the new woman goes, in some universal sense I get that she is putting up with the same behaviors I did. But I get these pangs of pain when I think of them together, doing the things that we used to do.
Oh I get the pangs too… they take my breath away… whew..especially nites like tonite when it’s Friday nite and you KNOW they’re out.. doing the fun things that YOU used to do with the bastard. .. and you’re home… watching ‘August Rush’.. crying your eyes out by yourself…..
Sorry Did my bitter slip out? Whoops…
Keri, After the relationship ends, the point is about you and your life. You don’t worry about how Brett Favre managed to get to work yesterday – why about this little-known has been that couldn’t carry a relationship in a bucket?
If you don’t like a white plastic trash can in your kitchen, you throw a liner in it or give it away or trash it or stick it somewhere you don’t have to look at it. When you are shopping and notice a nifty wicker tissue cover, you don’t think to yourself, “Wow, that sure is nicer to look at than that white plastic trash bin in my kitchen!” You don’t think, “That pretty tissue cover would sure bring out that white plastic trash can in my kitchen.” And hopefully you don’t think, “I wonder what trash that white plastic trash can I through out is doing now?” Hopefully.
If you choose to watch August Rush, please let it be because that is what you wish to do with that period of time. Or take a walk, or read a book. Write a journal for yourself, or hop over to Christy’s Coffee Break and find a do-it-at-home part time business. Take in a book reading at a local bookstore. Do a survey of local theatre popcorns – pick a different theatre each time, buy a box of popcorn, and take it away – you don’t even have to watch a film there. Take in a community theater production, or other community event.
He isn’t in your life. But thinking about what he is doing, who he is with, what they are doing or whether either is happy – these are emotional bonds to him. Bonds you use to tie yourself to him, and to the past. You want to remember the best of those times, your joys and wonders and accomplishments and fears overcome. You need to learn what lessons from your experiences that will make the rest of your life better. But thinking about what he is doing, whether he thinks of you, these waste you and waste your life, and distract you from living.
What thinking about him and others does accomplish, is to keep your anger and thoughts of revenge alive. Now that you are on your own and don’t need that anger to redeem your life, it only gets in the way. Be wary, you don’t want to forget the reasons you aren’t together, you want to be ready, in an instant, to reject anything Bozo wants to try. But life is for the living, not the dead relationships.
Blessed be.
Hi everyone,
I’ll probably find a better place to write about this. I finally broke up with the people pleaser Nice guy a few nights ago. I realized I hadn’t ended a relationship with a man since high school days and I’m in my 50s now.
It was really hard but I did it.
I have been thinking alot about what makes for good chemistry, good relationships etc. I realize now that there has to be some shared interests as well as two feet in, to keep the relationship going. I met a guy over the weekend who I’ve known a while. He is passionate over theatre, film, books, art, etc. I know that alone does not keep him from being an assclown. But assuming he is a good man, (big assumption) someone like that is someone with whom I could connect on many levels, physical, emotional and intellectual. I think a good relationship has to have some of all that.
The nice guy was boring and boring makes the relationship not work. It was a going nowhere thing because there was nothing about him that turned me on. So when I say no passion, it wasn’t just physical, but no passion mentally. He felt he could grow in the relationship since I was honest and always sharing with him my concerns about the limitations of him being a “nice” guy. But I saw I wouldn’t grow with him. No challenges for me. I was always “perfect” in his eyes. I could do no wrong and he never asked for anything from me. That spells boring.
It was a relief to end it.
But hard. At least I did it in a truthful, caring way, which is way better than the way these assclowns break up with us.
Wendy
I wanted to post my story here…I request anyone who can to plaese help me out with their advice if possible.There is this guy I met at my last work place.We hit it off right from he first meeting.I thought we had a lot in common..it was good fun talking to him.However I did not get more than 4-5 opportunities to meet him and that for very brief periods..and i did speak to him a couple of times on the phone..after that i moved to a different city to pursue my higher studies..i got to know that he had also moved in to the same city as he had got a better job there..Though i had his contact number i did not feel like calling him in the first couple of months…he did not have my contact details..last november i called him cos’ i had some clarifications regarding my internships..here i have to say something about myself..i am 29,married though my marriage is not going great guns…I don’t think i was ever emotionally involved or committed in my marriage.My husband and i live in two different cities now..cos’ i studying and he is working and could not get a transfer.Coming back to my friend..after i spoke to him..i do not know why..but i felt like interacting with him again and again..i found that he was slightly different..he told me that his new job ws very demanding and he would be comfortable with texting(sms)rather than phone calls..so i used to text him..he would take some tiome to reply to my texts at times..i would get impatient with him and he would get angry saying that i do not understand his work pressure and stuff…we would have a lot of arguements over this issue..but would always patch up..last december we met…it was a wonderful meeting..we just discussed general stuff but i felt that mentally and intellectually i was very compatible with him…i don’t know when i started having feelings for him…when the friendship turned into feelings of love…i did notice a few starnge things though…he would fiercely guard his personal space…he would respond to my messages only at his convenience..everything would happen only at his pace…even if i asked him if we could meet up during the weekend..he would always have some excuse..sunday was his day off…he would meet friends only on saturdays…and he would always be busy with something or the other..tthough i had not told him about my feelings for him he knew that i liked him a lot as a close friend..even then he wouldn’t do anything to make me happy…like making a surprise call..or a surprise visit…nothing..as the days passed by..my condition became miserable…he was not responding the way i wanted him to…and my feelings for him did not die out either..frankly i do not know what i wanted at that time…i probably felt some kind of emptiness within me..and i wanted my friend to fill it for me..but he was not what i wanted or expected…we had so many fights over these issues of him not giving me time…and he calling me demanding…we would go without talking o each other for days and the patch up…very often the initiative would be taken by me…We met again in may 2008 after a gap of 6 months…it was my initiative again..anyway…when we met i hinted to him that i have developed feelings for him and that i wouldn’t want to interact with him after that cos’ it would not be good for the 2 of us…he then told me that there was something about him that i needed to know…he told me that he was gay…had been one since the age of 14…had been thru a traumatic phase..his family knew about it…(he is 30 now..not married).he told me about some close relationships and heartbreaks that he had(with guys)..the names of his ex-lovers…how he met up with new partners and all that…I was shocked but to be frank that revelation of his actually brought us closer…i told him about my marriage..the problems and all that..he said that i could be his fag hag( a gay man’s best woman friend).Even after he told me all this my feelings for him remained the same…the fact that he is gay did not stop me from being attracted to him..the fact that he shared such a close secret of his life with me made me feel happy and imagine that we could develop a close friendship atleast…even after all this the old issues remained…he was still cold and distant despite my telling him that i just wanted to be there for him as a close friend..in fact once i got a doubt that he probably lied to me about his sexuality to ward me off…i asked him about it…he felt humiliated that i even got such doubt..we met again after 2 months..in august..he introduced me to some prsopective gay partners of his…i felt happy that he considered me that close…but my own condition was getting worse…my feelings for him would not die down…and he continued to be the same…would interact at hisown pace..some random messages..very few calls…i wnated to meet him more often..but something or the other would crop up…the fights started all over again..now after he told me about his sexuality i found tht he was taking the initiative to patch up…we would fight…stop talking and suddenly he would call up as if nothing had happened..i found al the signs of emotional unavailability mentioned here in my friend..the last fight we had was around 20 days ago..he told me that he is really fed up of me cos’ i keep accusing him of all kins of things…yes..i did send him a couple of emotionally charged messages when he said that he was too busy to meet me..this time he says that he is really pissed off…friends..frankly…i want to get out of this as well…the las 11 months have been pathetic for me…my emotions have literally been controlled by this friend of mine..i let him do so…my day would be great if he called me or texted me…during our fights i would feel very very distrurbed…this friendship has not given me any happiness..after he told me that he is gay..i would feel happy for him whenever he told me that he met up with some interesting guy..stupid as it may sound..i was happy that i would not lose him to another woman…what is disturbing me very much right now is the thought that he could have lied to me about being gay just to ward me off…if i ever get to know something like that i would be devastated..i know my friend is a decent guy and would never d something like that…he has always been very decent with me..but this thought is eating me from within..i am currently following the no contact rule as suggested in this site..but i cannot stop thinking about him…and more than anything else fearing that he could have lied to me though i have many reasons to believe that he was not…please tel me what i should do..
terriblyhurt,
Higher education turns a lot of heads. The value of college, of advanced education, is how it *changes* how you think. You learn to question facts, whatever your course of study, to find answers for yourself.
And, like military service, this is a horrendous strain on relationships. Which contributes to neglecting your marriage. You aren’t ‘using’ your husband nearly enough to keep your attention focused on your life, your goals – or possibly even your studies.
Then there is texting. Instant chat, emails, phone calls, these all make horrible abuses of others an every day occurrence. It is *arrogant* to think that whoever we call, or text, or IM, is available – free of responsibilities for their time – for an exchange of messages. We are not all rich, indolent teenagers, texting out of boredom or gossip. Sending a message, or making a phone call, is a *request* for attention, or an *offer* of information. A reply at any time is a gift we need to be thankful for.
Unless you really *are* the Mommy and you are chewing out your kid. Which you really need to be doing face-to-face, anyway.
Did you really read what you just wrote? How you expected immediate replies, then argued about getting your way? How he felt you didn’t respect his privacy, or his obligation, his time, or whether he wanted to think things through before replying? This seems like your self esteem is pretty low – thinking more about respect for yourself and how you respect others might help bolster that.
Frankly, the best I can come up with would be to strengthen your marriage, and stop texting at all. Stick to written letters, and very brief phone calls. Use emails to conduct business or when needed for your studies. Consider a pet to focus your responsibilities and make your living quarters a home – and make some women friends.
Your value as a human, as a student, and as wife, are not tied up with who you engage in sexual congress with. Don’t look at the student body or your acquaintances in terms of ‘who do I have feelings for’ but ‘who could I be a friend with?’ For instance – how many classes with less than 20 students this term – can you list all their names? How about which ones share your course of study? Can you name the janitor in each building, and find the supplies closet? Who is head of your school? There is a lot of human contact available, at a casual or professional distance, that won’t threaten you, your values, or your marriage.
And if your marriage is over, please end it in honor, first.
I couldn’t agree with post more. I recently met a guy who was great: we had chemistry, we had all of our interests in common, we even had the same nickname. He was caring, honest, respectful, and everything I wanted in the guy. Except, he couldn’t get over his ex. To his credit, less than a month into it, he honestly told me that something is off – something is bothering him, and, we, together, figured out that he needs more time by himself to get over her. It was the most civil break-up and I am extremely grateful to him for not stringing me along and being honest with me as soon as he realized it.
So, the bottom line is: not all EUM are bad. This guy had enough respect for me to tell me that it’s not fair to me if he were to string me along, it’s not fair to me not to feel as special as I should, and it wouldn’t be fair to me if he were to make promises he couldn’t keep. I am still a bit of a mess but primarily because I am awestruck by his honesty and his respect for me. Once I get over being a mess, we will be great friends because we have so much in common. I am glad he did not let me fall in love with him and protected me from a heartbreak the way he did.
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