During the summer I had a run-in with a bonkers lady in my local shop. Like a typical convenience store, it has wide aisles but she yelled at me in front of customers staring in disbelief, for not saying “Excuse me” to her as I walked past. I didn’t see her, nor did I touch her and said this calmly to her and even apologised, which didn’t calm her. After telling her to stop shouting at me a couple of times and her gesticulating widely at me, I said “Please go home and take out your real problems on someone else” and walked away while she was yelling “What-e-ver darling”. Shaken, I went home and after venting to the boyf and thinking of a couple of things I wished I’d said, it was soon forgotten (until now!).
Just like in any other situation where you seek to have the last word, you have to wonder: What are you going to do? Have a stakeout? Keep calling/emailing/texting or showing up until you can speak to them? Tie them to a chair and force-feed them your opinions? Programme them to have anterograde amnesia where they only remember right up to the moment where you had the last word?
In the past it has bugged the hell out of me that I didn’t have the upper hand in a situation or get to have the last word, or I’d worry about what ‘everyone’ thought of me. A situation like the shop incident would have had me stewing or even wondering what she’d seen in me to behave like that, but to be honest, her disproportionate reaction had nothing to do with me. This was only further cemented by the fact that I’m not the only customer she’s had a go at…
With one particular ex, we both kept trying to have the last word for several months until I realised that each of these revisits to the ghosts of relationship hell past was only creating more questions not closure. It turned out that my ego didn’t need him to tell me that he was a dipstick no more than I needed everyone who had ever known the two of us together to think well of me.
I can rest assured that there’s a few exes out there and even their friends who may not think well of me – bothered-o-clock. Bearing in mind that I’ve lost sleep over this in the past and eroded my self-esteem over it, this is major progress.
The ‘last word’ doesn’t truly exist unless after you say whatever you have to say, they keel over and die.
Short of controlling all their thoughts or taping their mouth shut, there’s nothing to stop them saying or doing something else that technically gives them the last word. Trying to control what someone else thinks of you or even ‘everyone else’ is like trying to cup the ocean in your hands. Yes you can tell them all about themselves, yes you can hunt down everyone that knows you both and ‘correct’ their opinions, and yes you can make it your vocation to get a Ph.D in discovering and conveying the ins and outs of another persons actions, but why bother? They’ll probably think you’re on crack.
The last word is action.
That’s why so many people finally get the benefit of No Contact. There’s no point going to someone and saying “I’m a respectable woman” or “You can’t treat me like that” or even “You’re an assclown and I intend to ignore you forever more”, because all they hear is “I need your validation” or “I still want you”. They might even wonder who the hell you think you are. It says that whatever the bone of contention is, that it’s up for negotiation.
If you’re a respectable woman, you stop giving someone that disrespects you the time of day. If they can’t treat you like that, you’re no longer around for them to have the option of trying to treat you like that again or they experience negative consequences as a result. There’s certainly no point saying that they can’t treat you like that, if they have treated you like that and they in fact have treated you in a certain way time and again, because they quite obviously can. If you really are ignoring them, you wouldn’t be giving them a warning…unless you wanted to provoke a reaction.
Silence says many things – it says “I’m moving on, I’m done, you’re not worth my time and energy, I’m not engaging and the door is closed.” That’s how all of my exes that kept sniffing around knew that I wasn’t that woman anymore – I didn’t give them anymore airtime and they couldn’t get so much as a pubic hair through the proverbial door, never mind get their foot in it!
Often when we become obsessed with having the last word and being right, we put ourselves in the position of doing wrong by ourselves. If you know what someone is, you don’t need to convince them of it to convince you of it – trust your own judgement and validate you.
People who like to have the last word are actually looking for a reason to engage and/or have too much of their ego invested into the situation. Let it be or you will keep going around in circles, remembering this thing you should have said or that thing you should have done. Let your actions be your last word because ultimately, that’s what speaks volumes.
Your thoughts?
The new edition of Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is now available to buy both in print and in digital formats plus check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and and more in my bookshop.
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I had an ex boyfriend write me a poison pen letter once detailing all the ways I was so rubbish, not sparing my unattractive personal appearance and habits! I read it, thought Ughh and put it in the bin. I didn’t spend hours dwelling on it and i didn’t make any particular effort to change apart from one habit. I knew what had happened between us, how I thought and what i felt and what I did. I ended our relationship be ause I didn’t love him or even care for him very much any more, why would I care so much what his opinion of me was? Thats the brutal reality of this kind of thing. I’ve never been the slightest bit tempted to “give someone their character” what is the point. It’s just undignified. They Don’t Care about you, and therefore they don’t care what you think of them, well maybe a little, but not much. Water off a ducks back.
Clover
I wrote one of those when I was a teenager. I wish I hadn’t, it was so mean! I hope he laughed if off like you did and threw it in the bin.
I understand the urge everyone, but don’t do it!
If they were emotionally healthy, they would not care about what we think about them. They would simply leave us alone to move on.
But it’s not their case. These emotional vampires take their energy from someone’s pain, so they would be delighted to see us in tears, telling them that they hurt us. They do care about what we think about them, and they hope to hear that they were not so bad, or that we know we deserve what they did.
I am not tempted to give the last word and tell the EUM what I think about him, just because I don’t want him to have the final pleasure, of being sure that he hurt me.
LOL ahhh the good ole poison pen letter. I’ve never gotten one, but I’ve written two in my adult life, both in the past year. One was to an ex (initially to provoke a response), and the other to my absentee father who kept hassling me (to end contact). Although I’m not sure if either of mine were truly poison, because rather than dwelling on their shortcomings, I focused more so on how their actions made me feel. But I did throw a few verbal daggers in there lol…at the end of the day, I don’t really know whether or not that person cares how they make you feel, and the only reason I think it helped me at all is because it forced me to face the pain that I had been avoiding and deal with it. I’ll never know whether or not it would have been better to just write them and keep/burn them, but it sure as hell made me feel a lot better…guess that was me trying to get the last word lol
Can relate so much to all the posts on here. I allowed myself to be stuffed around for years. I did everything I could to understand his actions and make every excuse in the world for them. I attempted NC on many occassions , six months being the longest occassion , however he would ultimately in one way or another con me again. The last occassion was so unbelievably painful for me . Anyhow he recently made a fool of me for the last time, ending in me actually smacking his face , something I haven’t previously ever done to anyone.Strange thing about it is , I don’t feel any guilt or regret for what I did, as I had experienced him treating me as a fool once too often, and knew in my heart he’d never be given the opportunity to do that again. I don’t intend to repeat that kind of behaviour ever again either.It’s strange because that is the last action he will see from me. Am I sorry for what I did , NO I’m not …has anyone else ever found themselves doing that , and if you did , how did you feel later ?
This post came just in time for me.
Almost every night this week I’ve written a long text, part pitiful (HOW could you do this to me??!) , part abusive (you are a sick bastard!) to my ex. Mercifully I haven’t sent it. I’ve cried lots, then saved it to my drafts folder only to delete it in the morning. So far so good!
I know NC is the best course of action, but I really want an explanation (although I suppose he can’t very well say, “I fooled you because I could!”) and an apology!!!! And then I want the last word (something about a horrible maggot ridden death for him!).
I just have to keep fighting the urge, huh?
Yes, Reggie, please keep fighting the urge!! Your texts are effectively a mini-version of the Unsent Letter. If you feel the need to write some more and vent your feelings in them, just keep saving them to your drafts folder and deleting them the next day – remember, the action of keeping NC speaks louder than a thousand words. I’m a great advocate of saving communications like this to draft, including e-mails, and revisiting them when you’ve calmed down/feel more positive/had some sleep. This applies to messages to family, friends and colleagues too. It’s amazing how different it all seems the next day when you’re looking at it from a fresh perspective.
I am feeling exactly the same way – the urge to have the last word.
It was a series of on and off, and the most recent time, he said he loved me. A while later, I discovered he (also my colleague) had impregnated his wife. And it has been silence ever since. I see him everyday and it’s all silence. I am dying so much for the last word. Feel like slapping him. Feel like scolding him. Especially when I think of how happy he will be with the new addition, the image of his happy family when the wife will finally give birth. I think I am going mad. Please tell me how to not have the last word.
Jean
He’s allowed to impregnate his wife. You’re not the person who was betrayed, she was. Nothing you say to him is going to make him less married or his wife less pregnant.
Yes it hurts but if you don’t step away you will only humiliate yourself further.
Jean,
I think the reason why we have this desire to have the last word and wanting “the upper hand” is because we think it’s going to make us feel better. It’s as if we think we get our pride and self respect back if we get the chance to express why we think they’re wrong. Unfortunately it’s not the case. You will not feel better. In fact you will end up feeling worse if you try and confront him because he will not be affected by whatever you say.
It hurts like hell but Nat is absolutely right. It’s only through your action. It is really through NC that you can show you do not deserve to be treated so poorly. It is actually by not not giving him any more time and attention that you can show you do not deserve to be lied to. He doesn’t care about you so why should you care about him?
i know it’s the hardest thing not to think about him having his “happy” life with the wife and baby while you are suffering (trust me you’re not mad, just broken hearted) but try as hard to distract yourself by focusing on you. You can move on and you will be happy again if you want to. Focus on your life not his.
I Have spent my weekend reading the forums,and what everyone is going thru.I know now I am far from being alone!
Yesterday I did not cry,I felt myslef weeling up but I went back to what NML said,and quickly recovered..
I am struggling with the no closure no goodbye thing,From all I have read,I know I can give my own closure,but my mind keeps twisted thinking back to why he dissapeared..Im even trying to make excuses for this Man,sick huh!!AT the end of the day,It was totally unacceptable and cowardly how he ended it…No excuse….I just want to heal faster and move in….and part of me thinks I will be stuck for a long time!
hi brenda, hope you are feeling better. If it helps, keep reading this blog or the book. or put a post it on your mirror or the wall you’ll see the minute you wake up. Don’t romanticize the feelings or isolated incidents of what he did for you. Remember him for who he really is. the disappointments and anger he has left you. No point talking, cos I am sure you have done so before. Did it work? I am betting on a no. yeah. *hugs* hang on. love ourselves more..!
Hi Brenda,
One of the shrinks said that there is no such thing as closure. how can you close something that has already happened (meaning it’s already over so there is nothing else anyone can do or say to change what has already happened). also please don’t think that you can find closure or rather a resolution from him. how can you find resolution from the source of the problem in the first place?
would you really want to know why he left? isn’t it enough that he left/disappeared? because really if you think about it, that’s already the answer. does there have to be any other reason than he wanted to leave. the only thing he can do is make excuses or lie and that’s not going to make you feel any better either. the only important thing you need to remember is it’s not your fault. If he wanted to leave there is nothing you could have done or said to change his mind. In the long run, you’d realise you’re better off. Healing takes time but you will heal and move on.
Brenda darling, please trust me, you will move on eventually! I was in your situation for the last three years, but THANKS to NML and my determination to forget AC, I finally moved on!
Time is the best healer:-) Keep reading Natalie’s books and articles, you will be in the better place!!!
(((Hugs)))
I don’t want the last word.
Yesterday, seven months after the bizarre disappearing act that ended our six months together (I can’t call it a relationship, as I thought we were in a relationship but she was just dating me) I got an email from her. Just some mundane details about her life, the sort of thing you might send to a casual friend. Nothing about me. It was just bizarre. Is this ‘pressing the reset button’?
I just deleted it. The fact that I no longer care enough to reply tells me I’m over it.
Weird. I dont get it. I really dont. After disappearing she contacts you six months later? If I am not romantically interested in someone, I break it off pretty quickly. I dont disappear, I dont contact that person later, I’m not one day in the next day out. I’ve broken up with my fair share but I have never once asked someone to just be friends or contacted them later just to get an ego stroke. I’ve been the fallback girl and I’ll admit that I’m EU too but I dont operate the way these clowns do.
j.d. I’m glad you didnt care enough to reply.
Yup, jd, sounds like the reset button to me. They chat like it’s a casual convo with a friend because they want to “keep it light”, i.e. pretend like nothing went down. You may have read in my comments what an ass my ex was and this very same guy tried to pop up with a text at one point (I think it’s when I was about 5 months NC) that read, “Hey {insert his nickname for me}” like we’d just spoken the day before. When I told him not to bother me, he said, “I just wanted to say hi.” The reason it feels bizarre is because it IS bizarre. You are clearly well over this girl – good for you!!
Definitely seems like reset button behavior if… especially if… she doesn’t acknowledge and discuss the fact that it has been six months since she has contacted you.
JD
Good for you!
I don’t get it either. the most hurtful thing is this “disappearing” act. they’re not even decent enough to say goodbye by text/email/phone/in person whatever and then they just appear again one way or another and act as if they haven’t been so gutless.
I think the great thing is not just that you didn’t care enough to reply to her but that you cared more about yourself.
I sent a text message to an AC I’d once dated, sending condolences for the passing of his mother. Months later, after seeing me out and my not giving him the time of day other than, “How are you?”, he sent a text saying something along the lines of: “I thought we were friends… ” … blah, blah, blah, meaning, “Why can’t we hook up?” I responded with, “I wish no harm to you, but we are not really friends.” You can be sorry somebody’s mama died, you can wish no harm on someone, but you don’t have to let that person back into your life.
This is where
Good user name!
“Let’s be friends … hook up”. They seldom spell it out QUITE that bluntly but it’s usually what they mean when they make the “friends” offer. I don’t think theyknow what a friend is. You and I might see a friend as someone you can trust and lean on. Someone you will support and care about. They see a friend as ENTERTAINMENT.
Annie Lennoxs’ song “Erased” says it well.
After a long break I dared to enter a counsellor’s room wisened up with BR knowledge as I still suffer – though in a much more lessened degree – from anxiety.
I correlated the situation of finding the right person to work with to the dating situation treating our first encounters as “to get to know each other” seeing if expectations, values, their “theories” are matching. With down-tuned expectations all seemed to go well, but then I discovered that my counsellor had send the forms for meeting the costs to my health insurance after only two “dates” without checking in with me if I really want to put both feet in. I felt dumbfounded for a week, though I had already made up my mind to 80% for a “Yes, I dare it again with conditional trust” but still having some open questions to get answered. It hit me like a knockout when I realized that my boundaries were crossed. I mean, you have to be asked, haven’t you? Red flag alert. I am a bit confused how to go from here without getting into “telling them idiots all about them and what I’m through”.
I feel like cancelling all and everything (wouldn’t that be childish silent treatment and letting go of an opportunity?), then I think I have to go and tell it face-to-face. But I’m afraid to be talked back again into “discussing what it stands for and were it comes from” as a counsellor would rarely admit to have made a major mistake or apologize. It is always on their terms. But I am not willing to put their jumping my fence on my parents and it’s not my job to teach them basics, either.
There is great disappointment on my part as I thought I had eventually found a place to work from. My gut is pissed and telling me “RUN, DON’T ACCEPT BS NEITHER IN RELATIONSHIPS NOR IN COUNSELLING”. I really want to apply the wisdom of this site and trust my judgement.
So, my last word should better be an action like ……(still figuring out) …
@Arlena -
Work out a script that works for you, and practice it, and go in and speak to them very directly and personally. Your boundaries have TOTALLY been breached, and your counsellor – who should by now know your vulnerability – should have known better than to do that.
Your anger is completely justified. Don’t take it from them, and if I were you I’d find another practitioner.
@ Arlena
I didn’t really understand the problem here. Maybe it’s a simple misunderstanding? I don’t know where you’re located, so maybe it works differently there, but here in the U.S., if you have insurance, either your provider (the counselor) submits forms to get reimbursed, or you pay upfront and then get them to sign the reimbursement forms, and the money comes back to you instead of to them (because you already paid them directly). The difference is usually whether they’re “in-network” (a provider who is associated with your insurance company) or “out-of-network” (not associated, but licensed such that the insurance company will partially reimburse the cost). It’s usually considered a favor when the counselor themselves takes on the hassle of filling out the paperwork and sending it in as opposed to the client having to do that. And here, it’s not indicative of any assumption of ongoing commitment or long-term treatment to send in the forms. It just is the way to get the money for the 2 sessions that have already taken place. So I feel like I’m missing something here, but it could be that things work differently where you are.
The procedure here – European country – is that the health insurance pays for five sessions in a row (without forms) in which you can explore conditions and the chemistry. After that stage it gets committal and you decide if you agree on working together or not. THEN the forms procedure starts and after getting an “Okay” from the insurance the counselling starts. Even after the best of sessions the counsellor has to ask – not only out of courtesy – if I consent to working together. This step was left out and caused my anger. Busted boundaries in counselling hurt twice as much, I mean where to go from here and lick wounds? It’s as if I get my share of assclownery from the counselling field.
Arlena
My experience with counsellors is that they have been very respectful of my boundaries. They’ve told me upfront what they will charge, whether I will get a free session, whether they think they can help me, and double checked that I’m happy to continue with them. Always offered me a get-out moment “It’s down to chemistry and whether you think we can work together”.
You seem to have a bad penny there or he/she has assumed too much. If you feel it’s irretrievable, then give them a call to say you don’t wish to continue. As PJM suggested, write a script.
Don’t let this experience put you off counselling. When you find the right fit, it really is tremendously helpful.
Oh, I see. Thanks.
Grace, I didn’t laugh at all! What it did make me realise, mainly, was how spiteful, angry and vindictive he was to write a letter like that AND SEND IT. Everyone has these thoughts and maybe even writes them down – I may have done that myself – but to send it… ! I’d cross the street to avoid him if I ever saw him, even now, 20 years later. I’d hate anyone to think about me the way I think of him, (pity, revulsion, tiny bit of fear) therefore, no nasty letters for me.
I’d like to say also, I always like your posts! And fearless too.
I have been in NC for 5 months now. I started NC even before I moved out of our house (was owned by him). He wasn’t there anymore; he decided he was angry one night and took off to his parents house and never returned -which left me to do some explaining to my 14 yr old son. (My son is from a previous relationship.) Great example. When at first I was confused and asked if he was returning or what was going on, he’d play a game of ‘maybe/maybe not’. I was just flabbergasted at how irresponsible it was to do something like that – at the very least you’d think that after a couple days or even a week went by and he felt he didn’t want to return, he’d at least be man enough to have a discussion about it. From the time he left, he treated me so cruelly and practically ignored me- oh and went off with an old bed buddy too. After about a month and a half went by, I cut him off. For example, he dropped by a few times to check if he had mail. I remember 2 different times he knocked on the door and I just said ‘what do you want?’ without opening the door. He said he was there to check the mail. I grabbed the mail, opened the door enough for me to stick my arm through to hand it to him, didn’t even show my face and when he grabbed it, I slammed the door in his face.
Besides this, I realized prior to him leaving that he is selfish, lied about me to people and he would always do the hot & cold thing… etc., etc. He was an AC. I have learned a lot and am glad to be gone. This website has been a great help too.
I finally moved out several months after he left, as I had to save money and find a decent place, etc. I only text him a few times with respect to my move at the time of my move- and the texts were necessary & to the point. I only spoke to him once, because he called me and again, it was right at the end of my move-out, so I just stuck the the pertinent info and got right off the phone. Funny thing is that he was so cruel to me and couldn’t be bothered with me, yet when I was on the phone with him that one time when I moved out, he tried to act like he was my friend. He mentioned a couple of times in the conversation how good it was to talk to me (I think it was because I was actually giving him the time of day) and he tried to make a funny out of the situation by mentioning how he visited a restaurant that day that we used to go to for lunch often and the one waitress kept saying to him that I hadn’t arrived yet, not knowing that we were no longer together- making it like, isn’t that a funny situation? I am not sure if I am conveying properly the restaurant story- but my point is that it was just in such poor taste to me that I found it offensive and thought ‘This guy is so out of touch, something is seriously wrong.’
Anyway, during the short conversation, anytime he tried to be friendly or whatever, I dismissed it and went right into the point of whatever need to be said & got off the phone. I could tell he felt each time I dismissed him and wasn’t happy about it, by the sound of his voice.
Since the few texts pertaining to my move or that one phone discussion I just referred to, I have not contacted him once since. He has contacted me like 5 times now. 4 of them are about mail that came to the house for me and 1 was asking me for a phone number- which I thought was strange because I know if he needed this certain number so bad, he had other people he could get it from. Why ask me, especially when I have been having nothing to do with you at all?? So in these 5 texts – about the number thing and him feeling the need to tell me about every little piece of mail that comes to the house for me (I already had been driving by and checking the mailbox periodically when he wasn’t there), I have not responded to any of them. Not even a ‘thanks for telling me’ – nothing.
He doesn’t have a facebook page but sometimes I see updates of a mutual friend that has something to do with him. I am still angry at his treatment of me. I tried hard with him but always fought for my respect. When I did that and laid down the boundaries, I was doing something cruel to him don’t ya know! I obviously learned that I was using too many words and not enough actions in laying down my boundaries. I feel this desire sometimes to say something on my facebook about how much of an ass he is but I contain myself and don’t want to come off as an ass myself and I feel the strength in the silence. I feel like I have some power with the silence that I have upheld. Especially since he has text me many times and I haven’t given him the time of day. I certainly feel like I got the last word- or phrase- that being,”F*** you.”
Dear god J, your description with your ex, almost describes my 60 days after moving in with what turned out to be a verbally abusive ex to a T. After a solid year of total support while I was going through my 3rd divorce, I moved in with him in a house his parents owned with my 12 year old daughter. During the prior year, there was not one hint of his problems with verbal abuse. On the first night after we moved in together, he called me a f**king lunatic in front of my daughter. I was shell shocked. This wonderfully supportive guy went from supportive to critical to abusive in 60 days. After a few more verbally abusive incidents, I’ll spare you all the nasty details, he moved up the hill to his parent’s house. J, I kid you not. There I was, living alone with my 12 year old daughter in house his parents owned and he was living with his parents. I had some major explaining to do too. He would come to “visit”, getting his mail was his MO too. The best moment was when he showed up one day to get his mail and “visit”. I had a moving van packed and it was backing out of the drive way. I waved in the rear view mirror as the moving van left. Those were my last “words”. The guy is a colleague at the college and thanks to this blog and Natalie, I blank him totally when we pass in the hallway. Blank him J. And blank the urge to say F**k You. He isn’t worth the energy. Even a F**k you text is reassuring to these AC’s that you are still invested. Can you block him? As Natalie’s post describes, there’s no such thing as the last word.
This is awesome too!! Seriously.
Funny you should mention the supportive thing and then moving in and a sudden change… that exactly happened to me. Was with him for like a year and he was the most amazing man ever! Literally, I moved into a house with him that he owned and within a couple of weeks he started acting weird and it got worse & worse from there. It was like I didn’t even know him.
Amazing! Keep it up:) Seems like you made a lucky escape.
I agree with Nat about the futility of last-word-ism, but at the same time I’m glad I sent that polite, brief and adult email to the guy who did the disappearing act on me. It gave ME a chance to draw a line in the sand, because I had decided to give him a miss, even if he came back with apologies.
But I’m also really, REALLY glad he hasn’t replied to it!
Thank you so much for this post. Right now i am in a situation where i feel like i need to justify why i am a good woman and the best woman out there for “him”. Time and time again he keeps treating me badly and i keep thinking he will change he will change…and time and time again i keep saying i am good, i am the best. Truth be told i don’t need a man to validate me being the best..if you can’t see it with your own eyes then me convincing you is just plain pointless. If from one episode you saw the need to disrespect me and i did nothing about it, then you will continue to do it because i opened the door. I do not need to have the last word any more. Time for my silence to speak ..I have had enough which is why i have turned to this site for strength and guidance. It helped me before and no doubt it will help me again. Thanx
I really hope that one day all the people that have either disappeared or dumped someone by text, have the same thing done to them one day. One can only hope. I have zero empathy for people like that.
the worst ones are those who comes back and then disappear and then comes back again. those who disappeared and stayed away I think are at least tolerable.
Yeah I agree. I was broken up with by being ignored/silence and it is still one of the most painful things to think about. It just invalidates you as a person that you’re of so little worth that they can’t even say it’s over.
I am struggling today..As I write this the tears are flowing and I feel worthless..Pitiful huh!!When he dissapeared,I kinda got the last word when I went to his doorstep with everything he had at my place,and I knew he was there but would not open the door…I left a note telling him what a angry and sad man he is and a coward to boot!!WHY????WHY DO MEN CHOOSE THIS METHOD OF LEAVING?It is so destructive…I am having some good moments,but they are few and fleeting…I know this man was no good for me,so why amI so damn hurt….Its been 2 days NC…I damn near folded 68 times in 8 hours alone..But I didnt I kept my compusure….Why cany I see him for what he is,instead of making him out to be he something he is for sure not!!I just feel lost….
Stay strong. For your dignity and sanity, don’t fold. You can do it.
Dear Brenda,
I feel for you. Your sorrow is so great that tears can’t help but flow. It should make you feel better but instead you feel pathetic. You’re not pitiful and you’re not worthless. His actions doesn’t equal you’re worth and vice versa. The way he left doesn’t mean you’re worthless. He’s just gutless. I know it seems easier to just wallow in self-pity but try not to give in. Unfortunately loss does make you feel lost. Everything you are feeling is normal but don’t worry because you will recover.
It might be helpful if read about the psychology of love and attachment you would see that it’s all in our heads. It is human nature. When we attached to someone, there are chemicals that takes over our system. it has the effect of heroin. We experience withdrawal when this person is not there anymore because we associate the drug like feeling to this person. Even the putting this person on a pedestal is part of the effect. So when you find yourself dwelling on the “good parts” of him or the “loving memories”, try to snap out of it and instead focus on the way he left and hopefully this will keep you on the reality of the situation and the reality of this man.
Yes he’s a coward but you cared about him so of course you would hurt that he just disappeared. You hurting means you are human it doesn’t mean you’re a weak. You deserve a good cry. You do need to let it all out. Keeping it all in is more harmful you know. You are stronger than you think.
I have always talked to myself in those moments. I found that helped. From the beginning to now-months later- I still do it because I still have many moments of anger and pain. It is a different pain because it changes and you are in the beginning. I was in excruciating pain, I remember, like you. Close your eyes and let yourself feel the pain and tell yourself it’s ok, that this is only for right now; that it sucks but the more days that will go by, the better you will feel- stuff like that- however you want to do it. That of course you are going to feel this way, look what happened… etc. I find if I am hurting or want to fold, I talk to myself about how I’m feeling. It’s like putting it in front of you and sorting it out and then I find I can be rational about it. It brings things into perspective rather than just swirling around in the pain. This is so hard to explain into text. I hope I make sense and I hope I offered some relief.
Just a thought and one piece of advice – Beware of the last word – you may get such a hateful response it will send you into a tailspin. We think if we get in our ‘opinions’, our ” let me tell you what’s wrong with you!” and “This is what I really think of you, you AC!… ” – we will feel so much weight lifted….UNLESS you get a ” well I am with another woman who is so much “younger than”, prettier than” , “sexier than”, “better than” etc, etc…..or ” I never loved you” , “cared for you” “I used you, you fool! ” response. This has not happened to me – but to a friend who felt getting in the last word would make her feel powerful and enlightening ( yes, to an AC – enlightening, imagine? ) but having recently ended a relationship and am now in the second week of NC, I remind myself constantly of the agony my friend feels now after thinking her last words would make him feel badly or wake him up or whatever she thought it would do – make herself feel beter? It certainly did not – she never imagined he would be so cruel, but he was.
Whenever I even think about this painful experience, it grounds me and I am even more sure that NC is the only way to go and NO LAST WORDS.
FinallyCaughtOn, that is truly excellent advice. I’m so sorry that happened to your friend – talk about rubbing salt in the wound! As Nat says, no one reacts especially well to being told that they suck and if the guy is a bad guy, the response could be whatever the exact opposite of enlightening and liberating is.
finallycaughton,
you just demonstrated through sharing your friend’s experience why trying to have the last word is not just futile but also it could potentially bring even more pain.
need to remember that these kind of people who just disappears or end things horribly are people who DO NOT CARE. They didn’t want to talk or listen at all. so there is no point to talking to them or trying to make them talk about things.
I don’t know why I feel so tormented these past couple of days. I thought I was getting better there for a while. When I think of all the things I overlooked and forgave this man for I feel really robbed that he didn’t find me valuable enough to want to try. I don’t want to be a FBG, I won’t let him in my life again but I feel like someone who’s gotten third degree burns on 90% of her body. I once loaned this man $1000 to get out of some legal trouble. The story he told me involved him cashing a US federal income tax return check that a buddy of his had stolen. He assumed the identity of the owner and cashed the check. When he needed to get money to replace it (because otherwise he would go to jail), he got it from me! Not his family. He did pay me back the money when we broke up. As much as I know that theses things show an extreme lack of character, I wonder why he was able to tell me that he was tired of being pissed off at me all the time. Intellectually I know that I could have gotten tied to something shady in the future. But right now I still feel the pain of someone healing a life threatening burn. the effort is really ripping me of a lot of the joy in my life. Meanwhile he gets to live and laugh it up. I hope there is such a thing as karma.
Donna,
I felt the same way – why did he not want me? The fact is, and I think everyone here will agree, he is not capable of it. YOU are not the problem and trust me, you are LUCKY he paid you back. My AC never borrowed money, but because he was not working, I paid the way for our evenings out ( when there was one ), dinners out at nice places, I even bought food for his fridge! He said he was so broke, he couldn’t afford decent food at his place so me, the dope, stocked his kitchen ( truthfully, I don’t eat junk food like he did so I ate too BUT..) come to find out…… he just bought himself a new diamond earring for himself, a new washing machine ( his went out months ago – I realize now he waited til I stepped on out before he bought the new one – I might have caught on he wasn’t as broke as all that ) and he is back to dating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He has the money for that….. I felt like a used fool, but I KNOW it was not me. I was only a fool for loving a man incapable of a meaningful, committed relationship. I understand the torment of knowing he is “out there, laughing it up” and having a great life ( cough, cough ) . But know this: it was not you, this too shall pass and he will never have a great life – because he is not capabale of one. Period.
Hope this helps, hon. I know you are in pain. The longer time goes by, the easier it will get. Just try and remember you deserve better and you will find it.
I totally know what you mean by feeling injured physically. One of the worst things I experienced with the one AC I had (that lasted way past its expiration date) was feeling like I had something heavy sitting on my chest at all times, my heart physically ached, and I felt very weighed down. Up to that point, I didn’t know it was possible to physically hurt from being emotionally hurt. But it is.
I would say treat yourself very kindly. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your best friend who needed your support.
Have you read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood? It’s a good, helpful read.
Don’t let a guy who cashed stolen checks while pretending to be someone else decide YOUR value. Who the hell is he anyway? This guy sounds like a sleaze bag. Why do you feel like his opinion is what defines you? YOU define you. He is a flushable chunk…….hit the flush button and watch him swirl. You will have emotional ups and downs but things do get better gradually. Try not to spend time beating yourself up….instead remember you are above this guy and you don’t need to go down in the gutter with him ever again. Let him live in the filthy gutter by himself or with other gutter rats. You belong in the sunshine.
I’m with jennynic: this guy isn’t your biggest problem. Focus on the fact that you allowed yourself to support a guy’s involvement in fraud and theft. Start thinking about how that happened and how you can prevent it from ever happening again. You’ll start to feel anger at yourself, too, and that may be even more painful. But it’s the way out of the pain you’re in now. You can do it!
Thanks, Jennynic,
Reading the words “flushable chunk” actually made me laugh yesterday. Healing seems to be a bunch of highs and lows. I have to remember that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel judged by someone who has a history of poor judgement and bad decisions/shady behavior. He told me he wanted things to be a bit easier and he didn’t want to be pissed all the time. It seems like he was making me responsible for his constant bad mood brought on by unresolved issues he had. He told me many times that when he was with me he would forget about his problems but when we fought I just became another problem. I think he put too much responsibility on me for changing his mood.
For all those who are tempted to have the last word: I tried to have the last word with the Ex-AC via a letter 6 months after a horrid break up (I know I know, I actually sent it – doh). I found the letter the other night when cleaning out junk from my computer and had a read of it and a good giggle at how far I had come.
Although I tried not to be neurotic and abusive (and to some extent managed it), the 1.5 A4 page spelling out why he was an AC and how his behaviour was shoddy (and it took a few drafts to get it down the minimum saying all i wanted to say, ha!) could have been summed up in a sentence or two along the lines of “I dont want to date someone like you, I can do better and be happier without you”
Anyways it fell on deaf ears (funny that eh) as he read it and then first emailed me (despite me asking him not to contact me) in a flirty manner as if he had read a totally different letter ?!, then he emailed again…then before I knew it we were meeting up. We didn’t get back together, but I am ashamed to admit he dangled the possibility and I jumped at it and kept holding on to that for another few months before the penny dropped (or I was too embarassed to tell yet another friend I was considering getting back with him)
He admitted to me then that he shread the letter – and his subsequent behaviour just highlighted how nothing I had said made any difference to him. It did *not* make him sit up and think how his behaviour was shoddy. It did *not* mark the beginnings of a beautiful relationship second time around. And whilst it did feel good to stand up for myself and spell out what behaviour I didn’t want (having been so passive and a doormat whilst dating), I realise now this was pretty pointless at the *end* of the relationship, it was something I should have been doing right from the beginning.
Well live and learn I guess… Hopefully if I ever manage another relationship I will put into practice what I have learnt.
Incidentallly I did get an apology for his behaviour about another 10 months into NC – indicating that perhaps he had started to think about his behaviour off his own back with no prompting from me. However, it was still a shoddy attempt at an apology. But even it it was written in blood and delivered on his knees he would still be an AC. FLUSH!!!!!
Very good illustration of what ACs do with our pain. They look at it, don’t take it in, and shred. Yours even had the nerve to flirt with you after that: I hate that behaviour. It’s very woman-hating.
I once was trying to do some anti-violence-against-women work in a college I was part of. One of the guys with the biggest egos, intimidating CV, big motorcycle, etc etc who had gaggles of pretty girls waiting for his crumbs, more than once tried his swagger flirt thing with me. At the time I didn’t know enough to yawn in his face; instead, I brushed him off with annoyance. It showed he got under my skin – drat. Then, when in a professional context we started talking about the conduct of men toward women in our institution, I could tell he felt awkward. You know what he did, of course. He asked me out.
Oh, I went. (Again, should have yawned and told him something he could understand, like that I would be doing my nails. But he guessed right about my appetite for crumbs.) I listened to him bluster and not really take me seriously about the anti-violence stuff I tried to seriously discuss.
There was no getting in a real word, a true word, on institutionalized sexism with this guy! He thrives on a sexist work environment. It *works* for him.
That was my eye-opener about how some guys will come on even stronger to dispel the feeling that you’re right about them being an asshole, even if what they’re an ass about is how aggressively they come on to women. They get it in their heads that you’re complaining about them “coming on” to so many women because you’re just desperate for them to come on to you.
I may be projecting. It sounds like your guy pulled the same dismissive shit, taking your letter as just you not being able to get enough of him. His apology is worth nothing, really.
I also learned the hard way that anti-violence work has to be much more than just lecturing bad boys, whether they’re cocky young men, narcissistic middle-aged men, or dirty old men, about their behaviour. They’ve heard the lecture. They. Don’t. Give. A. Shit.
Big ego, intimidating CV, big motorcycle – yup got it in one. Interesting point about the woman hating. He certainly was dismissive of anything I did – even things that other people were proud of me for, he would be patronising towards me. I think certain work environments allow this ego-ness to thrive (academia, medicine etc?) guess it is rewarded so why stop?
I did snort with laughter about him asking you after all you said – i guess this is the AC version of trying to be the exception to the rule *yes I know 99.9% of egotistical women haters are not worth dating, but hey, i’m the 0.01% who its worth giving a try with* – erm no thanks!
I sooo want the last word, but I know I am not going to I have been dating this man for 3 months, I think this has been my epiphany relationship, after 8 years on/off with an AC (I wish I had found this site sooner) I swore off men, but I was pursued relentlessly, then we had the fast forward, the future fake (marriage) the goalposts were moved (he didn’t want children even though I arrived with them, they didnt just evolve 8 weeks into us seeing each other. He also tells lies, not just about where he’s been but whole fabrications to make himself ‘badder’ (he has a ‘bad boy’ reputation) once he told me he was somewhere far away, for me to see him walking out of his house 15 minutes later!! But the other stories were outrageous lies and I knew this and I did not challenge it (!)
He used to call me beautiful but this stopped, but he always made sure I knew if he found other women attractive, yet if I tried the same thing in jest it would be, ‘well you go then’!
I tried to break it off the first time, but went back, yesterday though I did say if he wasn’t prepared to give 100% then theres the door.
He is also in constant communication with his ex, he will show me the texts and they are all digs and jibes at each other but why?? surely if you are over your ex then why communicate or respond, my ex (the 8 year) tried contacting me all the time usually using the children as an excuse, I just changed my number !! Peace.. (he does have my landline if he ever wants to be a dad).The most recent ‘boyfriend’ happy for me to shop for him, sleep with him, yet tell me ‘he didn’t see a future’ I suppose I should give him a little credit there, yet I still ignored it, in the hope it would get better, he would see how great I am, yada yada yada..
so why do I still obsess about him?I have checked my phone a hundred times today.. I wish I had never met him.. yet I know I will get through it, and its down to Nat and all you on here..
I can’t believe the nerve of these ACs, who do this horrible things and then try and then push the restart button! Who the he’ll do they think they are? I hope that doesn’t happen to me again.
I have to say that I really want the last word. I am the unfortunate one who got involved (but no affair) with a MM. He came on hot and heavy initially, then, proceeded to pull back towards the end of summer, all the while claiming how much he liked and missed me. He was busy with “lodge” these past couple of week and sent me a TM on Friday, telling me how much he missed me and how he was looking forward to things getting back to “normal.” Fast forward to Sunday morning at church. I saw him, said hello and was pleasant but just couldn’t bring myself to really speak with him. I felt him staring at me all through church. Last night, I texted him, asking him what he meant by getting back to “normal.” Normal to him means texting and chatting on the phone. He then asked me what was up in church and why didn’t I make eye contact with him? I jokingly replied that perhaps he just wasn’t looking at me. He didn’t like that and replied back that I wasn’t being forthright and that it was annoying. Tonight, he texted that he wasn’t angry, annoyed with or tired of me – just that our church “interaction” wasn’t what he expected…what did he expect? Me to jump in his lap? I so want to have the last word with him, and then NC…I hope I can get to that point very soon.
Amy
I remained friends with a married colleague. We email each other less than twice a year. Mainly family news, how his daughter is doing, how my nieces are, what his wife is up to. Career updates, sometimes advice in a crisis (such as when I was made redundant). We don’t flirt, we don’t text. I suggest that this is “normal”. Texting a MM every day or even several times a week is not. Also, you and your MM have crossed the line. The opportunity for you and “your” MM to be just friends has been and gone. Don’t pretend to yourself that this texting etc is harmless. It isn’t.
Amy,
“I jokingly replied that perhaps he just wasn’t looking at me. He didn’t like that and replied back that I wasn’t being forthright and that it was annoying.”
He’s right, you’re not being forthright. You’re playing games.
For your sake (but mostly, his wife’s sake, to whom he made vows… in a church before God, I presume?), I hope he finds it ‘annoying’ enough to cut the crap.
But I won’t hold my breath. He’ll pursue you alright, for as long as you show him a terribly unconvincing closed door..
Hypocrisy and emotional immaturity comes to mind.
Heartache Amy
the point of this post is to remind us that ‘the last word’ is not something we should get hung up about. Forgive my bluntness, but your ‘what didn’t happen in church’ story reminded me of two teenagers making a whole love drama out of ‘nothing happening in class’:
Him: What’s up with you, I was lookin at you in class and you weren’t lookin back at me?!
Her: I *was* lookin at you in class but when I was lookin at you, you weren’t lookin at me.
Him: Well, ah think you’re just trying to wind me up and playing hard to get and ah don’t like being ignored by you no looking at me when am lookin at you like you fink you’re special or somefin!
Jeeze, Amy – you are two grown adults and one of you is MARRIED! There can be NO such thing as “normal” here. This situation is not a game; at the moment you imagine you are in an exciting discovery phase (the ‘does he, doesn’t he, will he won’t he’ – oh! the thrill of it all! He doesn’t! It’s a foregone conclusion. He’s married!) Only thing you’re going to discover is that he is playing games with you, you are letting him and that this’ll all come at a heavy price – for you! And the longer you persist in engaging with it the bigger hole you are digging for yourself – and at some point you’re gonna have to climb out of that hole – so do yourself a big favour: get your head out of Cloud Cuckoo Land and put your spade down before you get any deeper in the shit.
fearless
Were you the voice in my head when I was texting the MM last year? I remember thinking “This is bonkers, I’m a 45 year old woman TEXTING”.
My last word was my deafening silence as I booted him off my facebook and deleted him from my phone. Like you said, it was all so juvenile. Yet dangerous.
Hee hee Grace, no I was the woman in my own head all those times I thought exactly the same thing: WTF is going on here… I am a grown woman and I am having (or trying to have.. err.. no ‘force’ actually) a ‘relationship’ discussion with (‘upon’ more like) a grown man – by text, for the millionth time (a man whose sole objective is not to have the discussion) Duh! And we wonder how we got here! Duh. (these relationships create nothing but a seething ball of fury that keeps gathering more madness until we finally say ‘enough’ please I want off the crazy bus now.)
tehehe fearless. I hear you…too true!
Fearless,
You’re absolutely right. It is a game, or at least it’s become a game, and I’m definitely not happy about it. It’s silly and dangerous and already I’ve gotten hurt. And that’s the problem: he’s an emotionally abusive jerk masquerading as a funny, cute church-going Australian man. And I fell for him. I wish I hadn’t but I was vulnerable at the time. Now I’m paying for it and it’s very painful for me. I’m angry and sad and I have this weight on my chest.
I wish I would have read this yesterday BEFORE I decided to send another email to a particular someone. Now, I feel quite foolish. Now I know better.
I love your articles, they’ve helped me a great deal through my separation. Keep them coming.
My ex EUM text me the other day after not even having been broken up one week (it was more like 5 days) with some stupid dream that he said he had with me. At first i was like: Is this is his stupid passive way of seeing if i will respond or his way of reaching out to me? Since NC is still new, I did text back and was like: Is that you’re way of asking me how im doing? Im fine thanks.
I set myself up because his response was: I’m glad your fine (smiley face) but no, it was just a weird dream i wanted to share. (WHAT A FREAKN PASSIVE LIAR!!!)
I so wanted to have the last word and be like ‘You’re a complete ASS and a liar! You know you text me as your passive aggressive way to get an ego stroke and to see if you could still have one foot in the door! It was really you’re way of seeing if i would respond.
But since I was so mad at myself for even responding (hey it takes time, only 5 days of NC) I CHOSE to not say a word back!
While I felt good for not saying anything back, I can’t say that i dont secretly harbor the desire to want to hear from him again even if i dont respond. I’m not gonna lie and say that although I logically know he was an ASSCLOWN, why its still so painful to me. Is it because we are mourning someone that never really existed? He created these feelings in the beginning and I so want to find the *right* man who means what he says and who I can actually have a relationship with where these feelings could actually be meant and are real. This just feels so cruel to pretend you are someone and then it turns out you are really aren’t this person. Is this why it’s so painful? I dont even know what I’m grieving anymore. The *idea* of this man, or who i was before I met him. It has completely ruined the self esteem I had and im trying every day to get it back. I feel sad and depressed because I got so excited that I met someone who not only i was attracted to but that seemed to have a lot of the qualities that I was looking for in someone (until of course I saw the other side of him) Is it normal to feel this?
I’m glad i didn’t have the last word or better yet, that my NO RESPONSE was my last word. But Why o Why do we still want them to get in touch? And can FBG’s change this?
Confused2
As you say, it’s only five days NC (and you broke it already! Ooops – it happens). Be wary of faux NC. Mostly we are kidding ourselves on at the start with NC (we perhaps want to elicit a reaction). The longer you actually stick with NC the more all of these questions you have be answered. You’ll care less and less as he fades into the distance.
I know it’s confusing when they get in touch so soon after a breakup. My ex-AC waited a whole 3 days to contact me after we broke up. I didn’t know about Baggage Reclaim at the time, and I really wish I had.
Yes, they want to see if you will respond/keep a foot in the door/see if you have moved on, etc. I made the mistake of thinking he wanted me back, but was just hesitant to say it. I made the mistake of thinking this for 4 whole months before I finally saw the light.
You already sound a lot wiser than I was back then. But I can say this from experience. Most likely, they won’t step up and admit they are just seeing if they can get a response. And any sort of relationship with them outside of dating won’t be better just because you have removed the romance from the situation. They will actually be a worse “friend” than they were a boyfriend.
I do believe I continued contact because I was still looking for that “wonderful” person I thought I met at the beginning. Guess what, he never showed up again. And, instead of grieving the breakup and moving on, I stayed stuck 4 more months and beyond, because my self-esteem took a battering staying in such an unhealthy relationship, waiting for the “idea” of him to re-appear.
I believe what you are feeling is pretty much what a lot of us have experience here, so I hope you will take heart that it will get better.
And I am so glad you didn’t respond back. You will find that the next time he tries to contact you, if you feel compelled to respond, wait a bit, then wait some more. The more time that passes, the less you will feel the need to say what you just thought you just had to say in that moment.
Hi Runner Girl,
Just wanted to say “Thank you” for your thoughtful and inspiring words.
I am so very glad to know that you are here and that together, along with many others, we are sharing this struggle with one another. Stay strong.
Many hugs to you
Great post.
My ex brings up ‘our’ past ALL the time (as I rambled about in the comments previous) and tells me he believes I am still in love with him. Tells me that ‘everyone’ he talks to thinks I am jealous and catty- due to my actions regarding the access to our child. It isn’t true of course, I have always been beyond fair (we have a legal agreement) and kind to him regarding child access.
So annoyingly I have to tell him frankly, not-so-politely and quickly and to the point, that I have ‘no interest in him’ and that the only reason he is at all in my life is simply to do with my daughter. If she was not in the picture I would never speak to him again.
HOWEVER despite no contact – other than for parenting purposes – he NEVER seems to let it go.
I can’t understand his constant need to rehash our past as he’s been with another woman for the last 2 years almost on-and-off as it is very clear he still is the same dysfunctional man and she is co-pilot to the disaster of that relationship .
I honestly don’t care what he thinks of me. I do not need his respect or approval as I have healed myself and feel completely fulfilled in my life. I have self-esteem so outsiders who do not know me – their opinions mean nothing to me. Nor does his opinion of me or whatever he tells other people about me. It is just extremely annoying (like a danged mosquito) that he needs to bring up ‘our’ past in some attempt to make himself feel better. I know he has low self-esteem and needs validation from others to make himself feel good but I refuse to allow him to falsely believe I am some how still waiting around for him. I have a new wonderful good man in my life!
barbara
Even telling him you’re not interested may be too much. Can you ignore it?
“I think you still love me barbara”
“Right, okay”
“It’s the way you look at me”
“Hmmm”
“You feel it B”
“Okay, well I need to start cooking dinner”
I was thinking the same thing…
“Everyone thinks you are jealous and catty.”
“Oh, good, ok thanks for sharing.”
“I believe you are still in love with me.”
“Oh, good, that’s nice. So you’ll drop her off at 8, right?”
Something else I learned from an actor friend of mine that is fun is to repeat everything they say back to them, eventually, they will say something different and the conversation will change direction.
Sometimes people don’t actually hear how ridiculous what they are saying is until they hear it repeated back to them…multiple times, lol.
Barbara
“My ex brings up ‘our’ past ALL the time”
What I m confused about is how this man gets so much opportunity to irritate you by bringing up the past all the time. If you don’t want anymore contact than is necessary for the well-being of the child, then don’t give it to him.
I think they just like to see us react to them, positively or negatively, it doesn’t matter, they will interpret it to mean we still have feelings for them. And on some level, maybe he needs to believe that to keep his delusions of grandeur alive.
My ex-husband, who I had not had contact with in 15 years, tried to “friend” me on Facebook. I ignored it. Then he got a mutual friend to contact me, and find out if I still had feelings for him. I told the mutual friend I really didn’t have any feelings at all anymore, good or bad, just didn’t see any friendship potential based on our bad marriage. Mutual friend even wanted me to dish up some dirt on him, but I refused, saying I hadn’t spoken to him in so long, who was I to say anything about his character now. Mutual friend then tells me he said I was “scared” to talk to him. Sounded like bait to me, so I did not react. Mutual friend then gives him my phone number (after I said not to). He left a couple of voice mails, which I also ignored, and then I proceeded to ignore mutual friend, as my boundaries had been violated.
I know in your case not talking is not an option, but perhaps you could become completely deaf to whatever relationship issues he brings up, and respond with a comment on something else entirely. Protesting his delusions will only feed into it, I’m afraid, because it sounds like he is just looking for a reaction, ANY reaction.
I had a similar experience when I was in driving into a parking lot of a mall, this car was blocking the way because the driver was talking to someone. I didn’t know how long she was going to talk to this person so as I tried to drive around her she starts driving off without looking and nearly hit me. I moved on and parked and I went into the bank.
Next minute, this woman barges in and starts yelling were you the one who drove a BMW (it’s not mine it was my boss’) I said yes. and then she starts yelling abuse about how I didn’t know how to drive and I should go back to my own country, calling me a b-word etc. I couldn’t get a word in so I just let her go on and make a scene. Everyone was in the bank was in shock. In this scene, I wasn’t going to try have the last word but I did want to explain what I was trying to do and apologise for offending her but I didn’t want to apologise anymore after taking in the abuse. I was shaking and very upset but I just went on (the people in the bank were sympathetic). I felt bad that I didn’t stand up for myself but everyone said to me there is no way this woman would let me speak or hear me out.
There is no way you can reason with people when they’re being irrational. People like this thrive on drama and having the last word. No one can convince them to see another person’s point of view or consider another person’s feelings.
And the thing isthese people always have someone else waiting in the wings. From my experience they’re always in another relationship straight away. They screw us over, but still seem to win.
fedup, i get . what you mean about them moving on to the people that will have them straight away but does that necessarily mean they “won”?
Is moving on a competition and are there really “winners” and “losers”? coz that’s what trying to have the last word is all about isn’t it?–whoever gets the last word in is the “winner” but Nat is saying this is futile. I’m just thinking that maybe if we don’t think about trying to win then that’s when we get peace and this will help people move on better.
Confused2, probably a combination of low self esteem, wanting your investment to pay off, and denial. For me, everything comes back to self esteem, I didn’t used to see it that way either. Right now I usually think of it in terms of self trust, but that equals esteem. For you (and I) to not take action and reject the hot/cold etc, basically means we didn’t trust ourselves to take control over our own happiness and mental health.. Even if we were unhappy or thought about stuff like knowing we wanted to be treated better, demanding it even (which can sound like good esteem). We still left it in their hands. Our happiness. Our sanity. Their hands. Im sure there are many different back story reasons but they all seem to lead back to that, to me. When you ask why you would still want him back sometimes. I think of denial. You dont want him, you want some version of him that isn’t real.
Focus on you. Learn what you do want. At some point, try enforcing a boundary with someone. It’s quite empowering. And builds a foundation of self trust. That’s when everything started coming together for me. Now I’m almost to a place where I can relax, because I pretty much can trust that my boundry alarms function, and if they ring.. I can take action.
Try not to beat yourself up that you responded. Don’t worry about what you prove to him, NC is about you, and as long as you stay aware of yourself, want change in your life, and take baby steps toward it, you are going to get there.
First I’d like to thank Natalie for writing so many articles that have helped me; I appreciate your well-earned wisdom. I am gay and had an emotionally traumatic experience two months ago when I discovered my lover had lied to me about something pretty big. I decided to institute ‘no contact,’ and it has been a powerful tool for regaining equilibrium. Here’s how I did it: I sent the no-contact email, and then I blocked her email and phone number so that I couldn’t receive her response if she decided to have the last word. This gave me the ILLUSION of having the last word, and it was very satisfying.
I have been reading the posts here for days!Its the only thing that is giving me any comfort.
I am still in a world of pain as I the guy I was with just dissapeared,no goodnye no nothing.We had broken up before but he always called me back,but this he is ignoring me at all costs.
I am trying to convince myself that its his issues,which he has a ton,Aworkaholic,HATES HIS MOTHER,has anger issues,vindictive etc..
I guess it makes me sad as we did have some amazing times,more than the bad ones…I am trying to move and heal but its so hard,I am isolating myself at home,I feelm as if I am just existing..I broke down all called his step mom today in tears,I guess
I guess I wanted to know if she knew anything,all she said is That he wont call…She said he never said a word,but who knows..I feel stupid for calling her…I am going theu so much right now its hard to even breath..I wish at times I could go to sleep and never wake up…
NATALIE, this is the best article ever! I love what you said: “The last word is action”. “I’m moving on, I’m done, you’re not worth my time and energy, I’m not engaging and the door is closed.”
That’s what I did with my AC few months ago, I closed the “door”, sent him a text that I am leaving and wish him luck. He never called or replied to my message. Thanks GOD, he finally “got a message” that I do not want him anymore! I feel great and FREE! Thank you NML, I love your site and was your fan for 3 years:-)
So true. Nothing I ever said made a difference. He still wasn’t going to change as he said. My only option was to leave and not talk to him again. Still feel sad over it all, but nothing I did made him realize what he was doing to me or how he had hurt me. Plus, I had let him into my life twice before after him leaving me, so I gave him the message that he could walk out and in whenever he wanted. Then I tried to keep him by giving more and treating him like a king in my home. He ate it all up and always let me know that he would leave again if I didn’t dance to his tune. Like a child who runs away from home and the parents cave in, give into demands and spoil him or her and then try to enforce rules after the child comes home. Too late – the message is clear. The child (AC) won.
Hello everyone.
I wanted to say that this website is so amazing. Natalie I want to seriously thank you for writing these posts. I have made them part of my daily routine since I started NC 18 days ago. Sometimes when the waves hit, and I feel like i dont know if ive done the right thing, I rush my ass to this website and give my self a healthy dose of Natalies reality checks. I would really like to become a part of the sharing here, as I feel like I really need to be part of a group where there is a common denominator. Assclowns. and Mr. Unavailables…I wrote out my story today, which was a little healing on its own..but I would love it if others would read it and comment, so that you would all know the background on my story, and I could post here and maybe make a few new friends to chat too. I hope im not breaking any rules by posting this link here, but, I tried to post this whole thing here earlier today and it wouldnt fit.
I would really appreciate if you guys would take some time to read and comment, as I am now wondering if he really IS an Assclown and a Mr. Unavailable, if it even matters, or if im unfairly labelling him into these categories.
http://heartshapednoose.wordpress.com/2011/10/09/my-story-a-first-post-to-get-us-acquainted/
Thanks.. and by the way ..I dont make money or anything from this blog,..it just wouldnt fit here …lol…
Cheers
HSN
HSN
Emotionally unavailable and a bit of a user.
Clues:
future faking
hot and cold
dumps you when you’re pregnant but wants to stay friends. Erm, no!
the ambiguous break up
has sex with you but blows you off
dips in and out of your life
More worrying, you don’t seem to have any boundaries. Stick with the NC. Good decision.
As for ” unfair labelling”, a long time ago before the term EU was in wide use, and when people thought this behaviour “normal” (and many still do), I would simply say “He doesn’t love you”. However you want to categorise him, he certainly doesn’t love you. I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, I think you may suspect it already.
HSN,
I replied to your original post. I may have been a bit too understated because I don’t have any experience relative to your escort experience. I would like very much to support your 18 days of NC, however. I also don’t want to sound like a broken record. You must read Natalie’s new edition of Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. I read your post at the above link and I wanted to cry, for you and for me. You’ve been sold down the river like I have and most FBG’s. It doesn’t matter how these clowns are labelled, he hasn’t been there for you. PERIOD. You drove yourself home after terminating your pregnancy. Label that whatever it is. His words pale in comparison to his actions. Everytime I open Nat’s new book I am stunned. See if Nat’s words apply to you: “All the fancy things, gestures, and words don’t mean a thing if you still end up confused, miserable, upset, and struggling with ambiguity or settling for crumbs. Make sure he is walking the walk, not just talking the talk.” From the outside, client guy is selling you words and crumbs. He’s an AC of the highest order. Stop buying. Stay NC and focus on you and your kids. HSN, you can get out of the noose. You’ve left the abusive pimp and you can leave this client dude who is using a pimp service, right? I’m so sorry for the next women he encounters. Let’s let it not be any of us, including YOU. You are better than this and your children deserve better. How old are your children? I wish I could hug them. Give them all a hug for me.
And a cheese sandwich doesn’t cut it. I got clam chowder, the Ralphs brand and only one can.
Runnergirl..
Thank you so much for the kind words..It feels good to know that someone is listening..Thanks about the now 19!!! (yay!) days of NC. I am slowly starting to see that he was at the least an assclown and an EUM, and at his worst abusive. Its odd, and scary to see how much your brain normalizes things….big things..things that you should never think of as “normal” behaviour.
Sorry, I couldnt see your post..Im still figuring out how this works here with the replies. I can only see one at a time for some reason.
BTW…I had a cheese sandwich. AND tomato soup. LOL. i forgot about the soup. PAINT ME LUCKY!!…lol.
Hi Grace,
Thanks for the reply..
I do know deep down that there was never any love there for him towards me. It still isnt easy to hear. Im sticking to the no contact, thats something that strangely, I havent had the urge to break. I have waves everyday of ..I wonder what hes doing?..I wonder who hes with..which leads to how come he hasnt broken no contact yet?..Has he suddenly become respectful?…or does he honestly believe that I will be back after I have “healed” so that “we can find a relationship that works for both of us.?” like he stated in his last text?….I feel like hes going to suddenly find someone new, ( maybe one of the cast members of his narcissistic harem) and magically be able to commit and have the wonderful relationship that I wanted with him.
I know I have boundry issues, I think Ive always known that.Its something that I am now working on with a therapist, and the reason that I have dated only EUM’s in the past. Its so hard to admit that I too, am Emotionally Unavailable, stemming from childhood with a mom that never thought that I was good at ANYTHING.
I am feeling a little bit better everyday. I am throwing myself into my kids, excercise and eating well, and ALLOWING my self to have a really crappy day and cry when I need too. Im taking a hiatus from dating and relationships, and im going to figure out myself, what I want, what my boundries are, so that when the right person eventually comes along, I will be ready. Im 36 years old now, there HAS to be hope for me yet!! LOL.
Its Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and I realized that I had the best holiday dinner that Ive had in two and a half years. There was no panic, no anxiety,no checking my phone for texts or missed phone calls. I felt HAPPY. for the first time I had friends over to celebrate with my family. It was a wonderful meal, that I was actually able to enjoy. I really have so much to be thankful for. including a life without an EUM behind the wheel. As hard as it is NOT knowing what hes doing or who hes with…I realize that it would be ten times worse KNOWING half of what hes doing and with who with his very vauge answers, that only told me what he wanted me to know. Ive been there. done that. and Im no longer interested in being hurt.
NML, I wanted to send you a special thanks for this website and your experiences. A year and a half ago, I found your…
HS
Friend of mine went through something very similar. She got pregnant, broke up, had a termination. She cried over the baby for a year. I could ALMOST have forgiven him that, BUT NOT THE SNIFFING AROUND AFTER. He could at least have the decency to slink off in shame, not come back for what he could get! She would tell me that he’d contacted her and it was all I could do not to start spitting and cursing! Anyway, he got another woman pregnant within 18 months but this time she kept the baby. They aren’t together, he moved on to someone else. He also has a teenage child with a previous ex, and has sex with her while continuing with other women. It’s just what he does.
It’s highly unlikely that your ex will change. I can’t imagine what catacylsmic event would have to occur for someone like that to do a 180. They don’t see the need. However many women they get pregnant, leave, cheat on … there’s always a steady supply of more women who are willing/eager to accept them. NC all the way. It’s not over until we shut the door firmly in their faces. No last word, no lectures, no finding out what he’s up to. None of it is useful to us and is, in fact, detrimental.
Continue to work on your boundaries and self-esteem. It’s organic. When they are at a healthy level you’ll feel so much happier and you won’t care one jot about what the ex is doing. Promise!
Hi everyone.
Well, 20 days into No Contact. Its a rainy Thanksgiving holiday Monday. And hes done it. He broke No Contact and texted me this morning. “hi. how are you?”. I havent replied. But, Im not going to lie, ..its not easy to leave this alone. I analyzed the 4 word text to death. “why didnt he use my name after “hi” like he always does?…Is he texting to let me know that hes met someone knew like he told me he would, when he “meets someone that he enjoys spending time with?” Does he actually care how I am?..or is “how are you?” just a way for him to weasel his way into a conversation with me?..
The last text he sent me after I told him that I needed some time to figure myself out, and think about what I wanted, said.. ” I understand, take the time you need to heal, and when and if you decide that we can try to find a relationship that works for both of us, I will be here, I want you to be well, and I will be thinking of you.” Did I not make it clear enough that I wanted space?…or is it because its a rainy Thanksgiving holiday Monday, hes sitting in his apartment alone?..maybe he got drunk last night and is now just really horny?…If thats the case, why doesnt he go have sex with ( and you have no idea how much it panics and hurts me to say that) one of his little narcissistic harem “friends”?
The thing is that I really tried to prepare myself for this possibility…I read all of NML’s postings on what to do if he breaks no contact, Ive subscribed to the NC support email…I talked to myself about what to do if he should contact me. I know for sure that I want to stick to No Contact. I havent replied to him, and I feel like thats going to send a strong message to him. So then why am I having all these other thoughts?…why do I feel so damn guilty for leaving him hanging and not responding?…You know, you can read about what happens and think your prepared, but until it actually happens to you..well, then its a whole different ball game!.
I really need some feedback on this….I have no desire right now to “suck it and see.”…because I really dont want to know what going on in his life, its always been to painful. But I feel like such a giant douchebag for not replying, or telling him that we are NC. maybe he just thinks that Im off “healing” and really wants to know how I am?…ARRGGHHHHH! I want off this…
HeartShaped, one of the Primary Fallback Girl Habits is overanalyzing one-line texts. Like any habit, it takes time to un-learn! If it makes you feel any better, I had told my ex that I wanted nothing to do with him and many months later he sent me a text saying, “Hey [nickname]” and I had to stop myself from being like “Why use a nickname? Is he trying to be cute? Is he trying to get me back?”, not because I care what he thinks or have any desire to go back with him, but because it’s a habit. Here’s a post of Nat’s I think you’ll find really helpful. *Big Hugs*
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/overthinking-what-men-say-do-applying-meaning-where-there-is-no-meaning/
Hey HSN,
Natalie’s new post addresses these off the wall, low effort text messages on important days. IGNORE IT. You aren’t a douche bag for having boundaries and on your death bed you aren’t going to get brownie points on your death bed for being the good little FBG and responding. The ex AC/EUM is trying to get his foot back in the door and could care less as to how you are. I fell for these text messages on important days, responded, and eventually ended up sucked back into his drama. I know how difficult it is to ignore it. For me, a text message or email was like being a heroine addict and finding a needle on the counter top. He isn’t respecting your boundaries because he doesn’t treat people with respect. It has nothing to do with you. He’s just seeing if you’ve finally given up and will go back to being a doormat and is probably bored/ horny as you suspect. If you entertain and shag him, he’ll return to the status quo of blowing cold when he isn’t bored or horny. Keep reading BR, eat a bag of oreos, go for a long walk in the rain with your kids, do whatever it takes but don’t respond. BTW, after 10 months of BR training, I’ve realized you can’t tell these types you are going NC, you have to do it.
” I understand, take the time you need to heal, and when and if you decide that we can try to find a relationship that works for both of us, I will be here, I want you to be well, and I will be thinking of you.” This bothered me when I first read it. It is classic AC/EUM code for “take the time you need to realize that if you are going to be involved with me, it will be on my terms and I will do what I want and be accountable for nothing.” IGNORE HIM. He’s a total douche bag and a few other things.
Happy T-Giving and congratulations on day 20. Stay strong.
He’s an assclown and unavailable. He’s awful. You wouldn’t want a guy like this to “love” you or pretend anymore about his intentions because you probably would stay. And that would be a wasted life.
You need to get to the underlying reasons you were with someone like this anyway. I recommend Women Who Love Too Much, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/
Stay strong.
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone, …you have all been so welcoming and caring and I thank you so much for the links and kind words.
Just wanted to tell you all that the assclown texted me again, …after I didnt respond this morning. The latest text was “….anyway, i just wanted to say hi and happy thanksgiving and i hope your ok.”
Really?..you hope im “ok”… that really made me mad, its sounded like he was saying ..i know that without me in your life you cant possibly be doing good, so i’ll just ask if your “ok”.
and if your so worried about it AC, why dont you pick up the phone..dail my number and ASK me.
grrrr…
Im angry. sad. mad. confused.hurt. and every other emotion humanly possible.
arghhhh
HSN
Reading Natalie’s words and the comments that follow has been inspiring. You all have saved me from hours of heart ache. The words that have really struck a cord with me are “Why would I want to be with him?” Being an educated successful, attractive woman I felt damaged each time some dead beat didn’t want to be with me. Yesterday I was kicked to the curb by a hot/cold, future seeker, emotionally unavailable assclown, and I don’t care because everyone here has saved me. THANK YOU!
So glad I found this website from googling ‘I was in a relationship with a married man and I didn’t know’ That sums it up.
I thought I’d met a single man who was working away from home until I received an odd text message followed by a phone call from his wife.
There were no signs to him being married and I’m no idiot, I’d asked questions and had got the right answers. I sent him a couple of texts over the next couple of days (I was in complete shock and after taking a barrage of abuse from his wife, I ended up speaking on the phone with her for about 15 minutes – she knew I was telling the truth about not knowing that he was married) stating how disgusted I was with his behaviour/lying etc and then cut contact.
A week later he’s texting me again phoning me and saying he’s left his wife and wants to be with me.
Like an idiot I decided to give him a 2nd chance and arranged to see him this weekend. I then received a text this week saying his son isn’t sleeping properly as he isn’t at home (remember this man is working away all week) so he is going home this weekend. Earlier this week he told me his wife wouldn’t let him in the house and now he’s spending the weekend there!
Enough is enough, after he’d texted me several times and asked if he could ring me (I said don’t bother) I told him I am not putting up with this any more. Since then he has been texting me repeatedly and I have ignored all of his texts. His last text informed me that he wasn’t going home now this weekend.
I just need some extra support, I know that getting out of this mess and cutting contact is the right thing to do, I deserve so much better than this and I know I don’t need to have the last word, my actions speak louder.
What a lying assclown! This was the 1st date I’d been on in almost 2 years as I’d decided to take some time out from dating following a poor relationship and look at what happens! Sometimes I just think it’s easier to be single.
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