Over the years, I’ve had quite a few readers share their relationship experiences via comments and email. When I don’t hear from someone for a while, I know they’re either off happy and living their lives (woohoo)… or they’re back with their Michael Myers from Halloween relationship that just won’t die.
Relationship Amnesia is where you seem to suffer partial or total memory loss about about events, feelings, and experiences relating to the true nature of your relationship. Typically it’s when they say or do something positive and unprompted that promptly drowns out all the negative stuff, or when you mentally latch on to even the smallest of what you view as positives – see my post on It’s Just a Cake.
In particularly unhealthy and dangerous relationships, it may be that something bad happens (a ‘trauma’) and to cope with continuing to be with them, you block out anything that pierces that denial bubble.
You might even be like Liz Lemon’s brother in 30 Rock who had ‘anterograde amnesia’ where he remained stuck in the day before the accident – in your case, you’re stuck in the ‘time before everything went wrong’ saying stuff like “They were so great in the beginning – why can’t they go back to being that person” or continuously talking about and living in the past.
If you’ve ever found yourself repeatedly returning to the scene of a relationship that’s passed its sell by date, it’s because you’re suffering from some level of ‘memory loss’ and may be somewhat easily won over by gestures. I’ve had a few people announce engagements or moving in when the week before they were calling them every name under the sun. Proposals and other ‘big ticket commitment items’ are wonderful things, under the right circumstances, with a commitment able, healthy partner, but they’re not when they originate out of a desire to bring something, or should I say someone back under control. Most of these people are no longer together or keep breaking up still…
And it’s not just the big stuff – I’m hearing from people who’ve been breaking up, getting back together and cutting contact for fifty years and others who’ve broken up 10, 20, 30+ times! This can only happen when you get the bumrush of Future Faking and Fast Forwarding and let yourself believe.
It’s safe to say that a ring or whatever it is, doesn’t automatically mean that the issues that broke your relationship in the first place no longer exist or that they now feel the same way that you do. It would be great to be able to safely make that assumption but we don’t all operate under the same reasoning.
I remember a very long time ago when I dated my first long term boyfriend in my late teens and I was definitely the ‘driver’ in that relationship while he was my Fallback Guy. We’d break up (at my instigation) and the moment that I got wind that he was moving on, I’d be shimmying over and suggesting we get back together which he always agreed to. The novelty would wear off very quickly and it wasn’t long until we were breaking up again. In the end I finally did the decent thing and left him alone. I know he didn’t believe it was truly over at the time but I felt awful for behaving like I had.
Me and my grand gestures and blazing in were his episodes of Relationship Amnesia.
Time and again I’ve watched people go back to people blind and bamboozled and inadvertently helping press the Reset Button with them, where the relationship ends up being reset to a convenient point that erases out anything shady. Stuff like Future Faking and Fast Forwarding doesn’t help either because the intensity and suddenness of supposed commitment as well as wanting to believe that what you’ve been weeping and praying for each day is finally happening, mean that you throw caution to the wind and get swept up. It hurts when you come back to earth with a resounding bump.
Relationship Amnesia is what also has you engaging in Relationship Insanity – carrying the same baggage, beliefs, and behaviours and choosing same person, different package and then expecting a different result. You’re then thinking that this time will be different even though they may have shown you a hundred times that they’re not to be emotionally relied on, or you’re planning to make your ‘type’ that you’ve yet to have a successful relationship with, make you the exception to its rule.
It’s not that people never get back together and go onto have successful relationships – they do! However those that have successful, healthy relationships are able to acknowledge their past and grow out of and learn from their past mistakes. To pretend that there were no problems before is to in the same move, deny the issues that led to breaking the relationship. Without true acknowledgment of them, there’s nothing to stop the same issues from breaking the relationship again.
This isn’t about clinging onto the past and ‘bringing up old sh#t’ but it is about recognising that if you’re so desperate to have someone back or hold onto them at any costs, you’ll pretty much push aside anything that allows you to persist in the fantasy and attempt to live the dream. If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship, it’s rationalising, minimising, and denying in order to cope with what’s happening, which actually ends up being another pitfall because you end up normalising bad behaviour. Of course when it’s over, it’s like you have to familiarise yourself with a whole new world and learn a new ‘language’.
It’s also important to recognise that when you do shut out one aspect of your life, you can end up forgetting a lot of other stuff, good, bad or indifferent. It could be old age, but I’ll be honest and say that periods of time are a blur in my life as I was too busy holding myself hostage in a dodgy relationship!
It’s bad enough that you may be shutting out stuff but if they’re also liberally pressing the Reset Button by picking up from where they conveniently left off or even trying to force you to have a different recollection of things, you may literally feel like you don’t know which way is up. Don’t let anyone try to take your dignity and eff with your mind!
Healthy relationships require honesty, reality and boundaries and if you can’t even keep your own mind in a relationship and have to erase significant chunks of your memory in order to facilitate a relationship, it’s a major sign that this relationship could never progress and be healthy.
This is why it’s important to be available to yourself and keep the level of BS in your life to an absolute minimum so that in being honest with yourself and feeling all of your feelings, you don’t keep putting your hand in the fire and expecting it not to burn, wondering if you’re going crazy, or shutting out the past so you can have a few minutes of pleasure.
The easiest way to keep your mind in good working order is to avoid being reactive and short-term. Use past situations with this person or your previous experiences as a guide, but also ensure that any decisions you make have a genuine medium to long-term benefit instead of killing a short-term itch or catering to fear.
Don’t ‘forget’ things that make you uncomfortable and cause you pain – it’s convenient for others for you to forget the true nature of their behaviour, but it’s not good or healthy for you and that’s where your focus needs to be.
Your thoughts?
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As usual, Natalie, you said just what I needed to read. My ex-EUM and AC did propose, and we did get married – and I did leave after learning he was a fast-forwarding future-faker (sounds funny said three times fast yet it hurt like the dickens). After we were divorced I kept wondering if I’d missed something that might have kept us together, yet by then I’d been well-educated by reading your column and others’ shares. Thank you for helping me through a difficult time.
ah thank you you came along just at the right time – no more worrying about what should have would have or could have or what my ex’s life is like now – its about what’s happening for me now……………
AWESOME timing. i just started working in a store mr.eum/narc. frequents to get his daily dose of superficial narc. supply. SIGH. i’m not offering anymore than pleasant business etiquette but i can see how this could go if i didn’t keep myself in check. it’s so weird, Nat…i can tell that when he talks to me or looks at me, he isn’t acknowledging his shoddy treatment of me that happened almost 2 years ago. it’s gone….the reset button is pushed in his mind and i no longer qualify as a “psycho-ex”. all has been erased, i’m not so bad after all. but, *I* remember. and seeing him everyday sucks bcuz some EU part of me still MISSES him, even though i never really knew *him*. thanks for the reminder that indulging in even thoughts about ‘what if’ will only lead to a replay of two years ago. no thanks.
yep. again, keeping in reality.
any little trigger makes me want to contact him, even though i don’t want to go back to the relationship we’ve had on and off for 7 long years… which time has proven time and again, is the only relationship we are able to have!
meditate on the reality of how it was.
it does keep me from contacting him right now. i’ll take it.
LOL, this blog is like relationship therapy.
On a more serious note, though, and to be extremely vague here…
I am definitely having relationship amnesia, and I’m slowly starting to wake up to it. While I won’t discuss what happened, I realize now that I was practically blocking the pain. It all came back to me at the mention of a movie, of all things, since to me it represented a horrible aspect of our relationship. Yes, he’s treated me right now, yes, he’s completely focused on me… but you know, bad things could happen again! So what I’ve discovered recently is that maybe I haven’t processed and resolved any resentment I still have about the relationship.
I just hope I have the strength to figure out a solution.
Robin, I appreciate your honesty and being willing to post. Relationships amnesia – I too suffer from that.
Love your stuff. You make so much sense! The level of relationship amnesia I suffered with my ex … unbelievable. It was four years of hitting the reset button DAILY. It was my choice to do it, because it was too hard / I lacked courage to leave / thought he’d change. But one day I was pushed to my limit and that was it. You know, it’s funny how, when you’re finally free of something or someone who’s bad for you, you can look back and go, ‘What the HELL was I doing?!’ Doesn’t give you those lost years back though, does it!
Yes, It doesn’t gives us those lost years back!!!! So how do we deal with that? This is what I struggle with daily. I invested four years in a relationship and have been left heartbroken and wounded. Any advice on how to stop dwelling on the “loss of my investment” and move on? I need to put it all in perspective and can’t.
Sometimes I find myself thinking that way – we were together for 6 years and that’s a long time. But it’s not like I hated every moment, there were lots of good times. And even though it ended crappy, that doesn’t negate the good times we had. It also doesn’t take away the bad times either. But that’s life, you know? The way I try to look at it is as a learning experience. If I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t now be at this point where I’m taking a long hard look at my own issues. I probably would’ve kept going after EUs and I feel lucky that I’m figuring out all my own crap at 34, instead of finding myself at 60 and wondering what happened to my life. So I can’t regret those 6 years if that’s what led me to this point in my life. Every experience we have can teach us something. Successes and failures. Just gotta remember that!
Elizabeth,
I think that sometimes life throws situations at us that force us to have to experience more than one emotion at a time. Matters often become complicated when one of those is a negative one. And unfortunately, sometimes one may significantly overshadow the others to the point that it’s all that we can see. I don’t know how long it’s been since this relationship that you speak of, but right now you’re probably way too close to it to be able see all the pieces that have come into play. No matter how you flip it, no amount of analysis is going to be good for you right now, because you’ll only be able to see things from one perspective, one of pain and heartache. You need to step away from these thoughts for a while, not permanently, but just long enough for you to come back with a clearer head and new eyes.
There is such a thing as a healthy distraction, and that’s what you need right about now. As cliché as it sounds, go pick up a new hobby, get in touch with some old friends, pick up a few new books, it will seriously make you feel so much better, and that’s coming from firsthand experience. A healthy distraction will help you to get back in touch with the parts of yourself that were lost in that relationship. Once you get back to that place, you will then be able to properly and effectively evaluate the relationship and see things for what they were. You guys probably had some good times along with some bad, but you learned things about yourself and your boundaries through it all, whatever those things may be. Have faith, you will reach a point where you appreciate the experience and utilize the knowledge gained, but that will take time. And while I do think that time heals all wounds, I think that time used wisely does it even better. Good luck!
It all comes down to whether you are healthy or not, doesn’t it?
And in fact, if you even know what being healthy looks like, let alone feels like.
I wish I’d had an instruction manual when I was ten to get me started on what relationships were like when they were good, and an understanding that wasn’t worth getting involved in never got better just because I wanted it to.
I fogot a lot and stayed stuck a lot back then. Now I find myself forgetting very little and letting go quite quickly.
Natalie, I keep reading your blog because it always renforces what I have been through and what I have learned about men, relationships and life in general. I am a mature older Lady.
Bad Boys and Players don’t and can’t change. They go with what they know, because it has always worked until they reach their 60’s and fear sets in. All their body systems are breaker down, their lives with good women and extravagants is no more. None of their old cronies have much time because they are trying to take care of their own messes. Now they are buying some younger women to be their Nurses.
I am not a judgement, patronizing person, but we all make choices and decisons in our lives that will result in some “Universal” consequences.
I love and care about my last relationship with the Man/Friend in my life, but he can’t beat me down. Ladies, Ladies please take your “Power Back”, he needs to treat you as his one and only, Lady…..
I love the straight talk, kinda reminds me of what someone said on this tv show once. He said that old fools used to be young fools. As simple of a statement as that is, it’s absolutely true. As people, we tend to stay in our comfort zones until we realize that it isn’t actually working for us. It really makes me want to be the best possible version of myself. I don’t want to be in my 30s 40s 50s or 60s dealing with issues that I should have addressed in my 20s.
This has always stuck in my head, what a friend of mine said along time ago….. “I never get back with any of my Ex’s….. because there was reason that we broke up & more then likely, that reason will always be there”.
Yes after meeting my ex for lunch I am still trying to reach a decision about whether anything has changed or not. Am I in for it or what? I still care deeply about him and know he feels the same but I truly feel dread about going back with him. It just doesn’t feel right to me. This article is yet another wake up call. I think I am trying to concentrate too much on the good times and forgetting the pain I felt very often in this relationship. Sometimes peace is a good thing. Thanks Natalie for the cold splash of water on my face.
I’m sitting in the airport cracking up over the Michael Myers reference haha! Hilarious and so apt. These situations remind me of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (beautiful movie, I blubbered through the entire final 45 minutes – highly recommended), except a jacked-up version called Eternal Hurricane Of The Spotted Assclown.
Eternal Hurricane Of The Spotted Assclown.
omg — that is one of the funniest things I have read in ages!!
Glad you enjoyed girl!! For serious, if the only way a relationship is viable involves Mark Ruffalo showing up at your house in the middle of the night to erase your memory, it’s a no-go. I wouldn’t mind Mark Ruffalo showing up at my house in the middle of the night for OTHER purposes…but that’s a discussion for another day.
I feel like this post is definitely one I needed right now. I was with a man who was a massive future faker and who loved pushing the reset button. One day we were absolutely fine and literally the next something minimal would freak him out and he would disappear on me for days on end. When he did come back he always promised that the next time would be different and I believed him and would pretend like nothing was ever wrong. Well after a year of it I’m finally done. Yes it hurts that I’m letting someone I love go but after reading this site for quite some time I’ve learned that I need to be more honest with myself and that I do deserve a healthy relationship once and for all.
Right on the mark as always Nat!! Its so easy to forget how much of an *sshole he’s been when he says all the right things and does what i have wanted him to do for sooo long!! But i cant forget now, although he pretends he doesnt remember or he remembers it differently. That really sh#ts me! No more amesia attacks in this neck of the woods…..
I just got to this point with a friend. We have had three, maybe four, conflicts now over the same area of sensitivity and it just always goes the same way.
One of the main reasons we may “forget” bad behaviour is because often, when we confront, we get the message that it’s our fault. Our fault that we are so sensitive to behaviour, our fault for doing the thing that made them do what they did, etc. We think we would want to be forgiven, so we try to move on. Let it go.
But this last blow up, and how my friend handled it, showed me that I am not to blame for her reactions to an aspect of me that she just doesn’t like. There is nothing wrong with this part of me (my politics), nor with the fact that she doesn’t like them. But if I forget that every time we get near the topic, she gets condescending, and I get angry, it’s just going to keep happening when I try to explain my point of view.
Because I get angry and she stays “calm,” I often end up blaming myself (and she seems to think it’s my fault, too). I have wanted to erase these blips from the story of the relationship, thinking I can prevent them from happening again.
But if I don’t blame myself, and if I am confident that I am expressing my anger appropriately (and that is a big IF), then I see that the evidence is there to show that I keep getting hurt. Or at least, that I keep getting offended and that she does not see herself as offensive.
If she were a potential lover I would *have* to face reality. I can only get so close to someone who doesn’t share some of the deep values that inform my politics, and who doesn’t share a desire to at least understand where I am coming from. As it is I considered if I should move. But instead I can simply realize that I’ve hit a wall as far as this friendship going further.
In a romantic relationship, we’re aiming for a high degree of intimacy; but even in the friendships that we treasure most, we want to get to the point of feeling we can trust the other person with our true feelings. If there is repeated evidence that our true feelings are intolerable to the other person, then that’s the limit of the depth for that relationship.
I don’t feel a need to cut her off totally. Coming to the realization has been a relief, because I no longer hope or expect this relationship to be any more than it is right now. There is a bit of having hoped we’d be better friends, which I mourn.
Ultimately I’m happy to discover in myself the capacity to recognize the limits of a relationship. It means I know when to stop pursuing closeness with someone who has shown they won’t give it to me, and I’ve gotten over some of the self-doubt that has kept me in bad scenes. Strangely I owe her some gratitude for this. I really feel much calmer in general knowing that I can decide to let go of all previous desire to get closer to someone.
Oh wow. Do we have the same “friends” or something? 😐
Your thought process mirrors mine in this regard; you just expressed it in a way that was hard for me to do. Thank you for expressing my sentiments EXACTLY.
I think that’s great. So many people address interpersonal relationships with an all or nothing sort of attitude, when honestly everyone falls somewhere on a spectrum between the two extremes. I think that if we value someone as a human being, not as a means to an end for whatever need we want fulfilled, we can have relationships with people with varying degrees of intimacy. As long as all parties involved are satisfied with the effort that will be put in, I say go for it.
Wow…I mean wow Natalie.
You have just stated what so eloquently I had come to realize after my last visit to BR. A couple of weeks ago, I was upset because my last ex had gotten engaged with the next woman he dated after me, after only a year. I let myself go there, thinking just because he’d given a ring to someone else, that must mean he magically transformed into a healthy partner, and can give her the relationship I always wanted!!! That lasted for a day or two until I remembered there was alot going on there that wasn’t healthy, and I was right to stay as far away as possible after he ended it. Let’s see what I managed to “forget”:
Predatorial towards women, objectifies them sexually. Rationalizes unethical behaviour like cheating on ex (“we were fighting!”) or not paying her back money she put towards a house to move in with him (“she was a real bitch when we broke up”). Went outside of the relationship to see if other women would be interested in a threesome with us without telling me. Lacked empathy. Hypercritial. Secretive. Emotionally dishonest with self and others, blames others for his lack of integrity. Mentioned he may be a sex addict but at the very least seeks out sex with women for validation. Has admitted to being an emotional vampire, but doesnt think he’s “broken”. Craves constant stimulation, considers staying in one place/settling down like “death”. Likes being associated with “important people” and being on stage, so you better be up to his level! Told me he cannot be alone, and has worried that people will think there is something wrong with him because he’s older and not married. Impulsive, offering what hes not ready to, making grand gestures when hitting the reset button: asked me if I’d move in with him, later told friends he was relieved when I said no. Has a history of suddenly jumping ship in a relationship.
Do I think all of that changed in a few months just because he put a ring on someones finger? How could I let myself go there?! Easy, I hit my own reset button and forgot about all the issues that broke the relationship. Forgot about who it felt to walk on shells around him, the strain of always being evaluated, the lonlieness, letting my self esteem take hits every day in little ways to be in the relationship.
I look back and I see I was in denial of reality with most of the men I dated. I didn’t value myself enough or have the courage to live in reality. No more!
Thanks Nat!
“Forgot about who it felt to walk on shells around him, the strain of always being evaluated, the lonlieness, letting my self esteem take hits every day in little ways to be in the relationship.”
Hoo boy I remember those feelings! You describe so much of my ex and I completely understand what it felt like. He has not changed, the new girl is just willing to put up with it like we did. Never again!
I think I know this guy! Are his initials MR?
LOL
@ Kim in Minn, haha no those are not his initials…but my guess is that there are a lot of men with these issues out there, and so they sound “familiar’. It’s not the first time at BR someone has asked me if we have dated the same guy!
Carrie somewhere on BR, I read in interesting comment on your ex’s changed feelings for you, you said that he didn’t love you anymore, “his version of love anyway”.
I am sure in 6 years there were good times, nothing is ever black and white. But tt looks like on some level you have acknowledged that his kind of love (btw I think that word is used way too often and to some has the same depth of meaning like ” I love you like I love pizza”) is not really the healthy respectful love you want.
During our good times when we were together, the ex would sometimes say “I have loved you for years, even before we were ever together”. I suppose he meant that as a compliment, but I remember how I felt during that time: being treated like an option, one day suggesting how great things would be if we were together and moving beyond friendship (we weren’t sleeping together), then immediately the next going on to a new or old girlfriend when I became available. Taking what I had to give under the guise of friendship but in a selfish way: he would resort to putting the heat on when I’d get frustrated and start dating a guys who were available. I once tried to cut through the bs by directly asking him “What do you want from me? What kind of a relationship”. He said a relationship with me, commitment. 48 hours later he came back to tell me he was getting back with his ex. I asked him to leave my house and to never come back. I cut contact. Six months later he came back swearing he realized how much he loved me and that he was ready, so we hit the reset button and I finally became his girlfriend. I was unhealthy, and so I thought, he does love me, this is what love is. During the years leading up to us finally getting together I felt confused, lonely, unappreciated, rejected (of course there were times when he said I was the best thing that ever happened to him, but those are just words, his actions showed the truth). This was the time he was referring to when he said he had always loved me. I’m sure he told his ex he loved her too, during that time.
He looked back and called it love, I see something selfish and explotive, an unhealthy attatchment.
Yes, Natalie – a selective memory is crucial in keeping these relationships trundling on. I was too often able to put aside all my pain for my five minutes of pleasure – it’s almost like doing a silent deal with him: I won’t mention that you just disappeared on me for the umpteenth time last month so we can just get back to enjoying ourselves until the next time same shit happens.
“I won’t mention that you just disappeared on me for the umpteenth time last month so we can just get back to enjoying ourselves until the next time same shit happens.”
That was hysterical!! Actually, I shouldn’t be laughing…because I was the original Great Pretender (i.e. “I shall pretend that you are not going to disappear. I shall also pretend that you are not an idiot and that I do not have your vacant arse on a pedestal.”) 😉 Fearless, you nailed it!
Hello, everyone:
Natalie, thank you for the article. I love reading your blog.
“Don’t let anyone try to take your dignity and eff with your mind!” Well said, indeed. I think when someone pushes the “reset button” that is pretty much exactly what they are doing.
When my ex did it to me, I thought, oh, goodie, I get another chance with this dude. Yeah, right. LOL. He was my epiphany. I guess it was because I cared so much and he cared so little. I feel less pain as time goes on but yep–it still hurts.
There was a time–not so long ago–that I would have taken him back but now I can say that I’m not a COMPLETE fool. Besides, I’ve already gone back to him twice and now I know the score. I already know that he is who he is. I finally realized that anyone who gave a damn about me would never treat me as he has. I have removed the “rose-colored” glasses. Thank you Baggage Reclaim! It would have been so much harder without your guidance and words of wisdom.
Natalie,
another spot on blog…I can’t tell you how I look forward to your essay’s.. you got me through one of the hardest heartbreaks I have ever had…and taught me a whole lot …Now I am 80% me and improved…going for 100%..learned alot about myself and upon reflection I can honestly say…I saw it coming earlier in relationship…i even found a letter I wrote two months after moving in with him which explained “you disrespected me( for a red flag behavior)and i’m leaving…blah blah blah…funny how you can rationalize and stay but inevitably it ended horribly…could have saved myself a huge heartache….Thanks natalie
Its incredible what our minds can do. How easy it is for me to forget the fact I was lied to, cheated on by a textbook AC I am trying so hard to get over and out of my life for good. At times my mind was strong and I rebuffed his attempts to contact me – two months was the longest. But my mind also got weak and as I called it “shook the internal etch-a-sketch” and all that chicken scratch, all the BS was gone. For the past year and a half I’ve let this AC bamboozle his way in and out of my life. As Natalie has described before, it’s a rush when we are together. It feels like drugs and we typically spend a weekend together me being blinded by him spoiling me with anything I want all wild weekend long. Its so empty and sick. I’m full one second, desolate the next as he not only presses the reset button time and time again but dotes on other girls in front of me . I haven’t. Had any contact with him for nearly two weeks. This blog is what keeps me strong. I am trying hard not to slip back – all of your posts help me. With any luck my mind will become stronger, I can learn to trust myself again and I can get off this emotional shortbus I’ve been on for far too long ( I was with a MM for 4 years (ended about 3 years ago) and in a verbally abusive relationship 4 years before that (ended about 5 years ago)
Natalie, I love the first paragraph. When I was married to a verbally and emotionally abusive man, my therapist said she knew he was being “good” again and had dragged me back in because I would cancel appointments until I showed up one day with 2 black eyes and 15 stitches in my head. She had predicted that escalation to violence, as she had with so many other women just like me. But until that incident happened (I liken it to literally having the sense knocked into me), I could always find ways to forget the bad times, when he was loving. Thankfully, a restraining order has forced no contact for over a year. Amazing to me now that he had to try to KILL me for me to get it. My next “love” after him I thought would save me from that greif but he turned out to be a future faker, fast fowarder who vanished after 3 months of wonderful. The stupid thing is I mourn that 3 months more than the 10 years with the abusive husband. Starting to think wonder if I can’t get over the faker because I am just now feeling the loss of my marriage and projecting all my anger and loss onto the one I thought was so different and would save me? Has anyone else had something similar happen? It seems ridiculous that I could be such a mess over the rebound guy and not give a shit about my ex husband.
Isla
This reminds me of a story I heard on the radio, which I’ve told before but I’ll share it again. A man was being physically abused by his girlfriend. It got worse and worse until she stabbed him seven times and left him bleeding almost to death on the kitchen floor. He said that, as he lay there, he realised the relationship was over. The cynical part of me thought “No shit, Sherlock”. The other part of me shed a tear, “You poor, poor person”.
Long before you find yourself on the kitchen floor with multiple stab wounds, the reset button has been pressed and pressed. Lets’ not forget that there are men, women, and even children, who get killed in these screw ups. This is serious stuff. You’ve got to listen to the warnings and DO something!
Isla, my story is very similar to yours. I lived for a couple of years with a man who pushed me down the stairs, choked me, punched me in the face, held a knife to my throat and persecuted me verbally. The man after that was the player (who caused the break up with the abuser). Of the two, the player – who I was with for barely a year – hurt me more. It took me three plus years to get over it. Looking back, it had a lot to do with my crushed self-esteem rather than him being that special. I share that with you because … no story here is unique. Someone’s been there before and got out the other side. And so will you. xx
Grace:
“It got worse and worse until she stabbed him seven times and left him bleeding almost to death on the kitchen floor. He said that, as he lay there, he realised the relationship was over.”
Weirdly,those of us who recognise our own selective relationship amnesia kinda know what this poor man meant!
We all have had that ‘moment’ – the one we know is the final nail in the coffin; the one we cannot get past even if we wanted to. For me there was never even the least hint of physical assault; that was never a concern, but I knew I could never forget his utterly blatant dismissal of me on the ‘final night’ when I raised a topic he didn’t want to discuss – he responded coldly, bluntly with unabashed disregard for me as even deserving of attempted politeness. for some reason that was the point I started to fight for myself, I thought ‘how dare you treat me like this – this just is NOT on! I understood at that moment he had no concern for how his behaviour affected me. He then got up and footered around for a minute with some job not needing doing to disract from his own shitty behaviour then scuttled off to bed. (all of this took two or three minutes tops). I sat there alone for ages – gobsmacked – knowing in my heart that my amnesia box was now full to over-flowing. I slept on the couch – he would have “hoped” because of his snoring but it was cos I couldn’t stand to be near him. Next morning he had his own version of ‘amnesia’ and tried to get cuddly with me – I thought, you must be havin a fecking laugh! His “forgetfulness” after the night before was really the end for me – my feelings were to be “ignored”, clearly, and that made me feel sick to my stomach, finally!
I’m sure now that was the point where I could not have squeezed anymore “forgetting” into the box in my brain that was holding all that stuff (I might have wanted to try at times – but stuff just kept falling out)
I guess when that man who was stabbed near to death by his “lover” had to face the horrible truth that this transgression was one that would not fit into his amnesia box! That if he wanted to stay with her he’d be needing a whole new box – one called ‘total madness’.
Fearless, I absolutely love all your comments, especially this one. Thank you
Aw Lizzie, thanks. I often wonder if I’m making any sense at all, other than to myself (and even that is dubious!).
I think we have such a hard time trying to end things with our ex’s and move beyond it all partly because the relationship amnesia box in our brains has finally ruptured (the denial bubble bursts) and all the shitty stuff we have stuffed away in there spills out all over our brains ( and it’s not a pretty sight!) and it’s very upsetting to realise just how much (pretty awful) rubbish we were hiding away and it’s one big messy task to try to recycle all of that and not feel overwhelmed, angry, distressed and horribly confused by just how badly *he* actually behaved towards us and likewise just how much boundary busting we allowed.
Can you imagine the over-spill of the man who was finally almost stabbed to death – his relationship amnesia clean-up job must have been like a massive land-fill site. Poor soul (shows how dangerous it can be though – reltationship amnesia).
fearless
his girlfriend ended up in prison, so it would be difficult to forget what happened. though I just know that somewhere in world someone is visiting their partner in prison, who’s there for beating them up.
Sometimes the “last straw” ) is something huge such as attempted murder, and sometimes it is something very small. I remember my last visit with my parents, when momster urged me to eat something I was very allergic to (as she knew very well).
When my polite “no” didn’t help and she just went on and on, I finally said “stop it, damn!”. After that, she scolded me loudly for using a swear word (in front of other family members).
I think it was the first time I ever used a swear word with her (and I DID feel guilty for that back then!). She, on the other hand, had thrown “damn” right into my face several times a day during my childhood!
Although she had done much worse things to me in the past, this last incident made me so mad that I felt I could not talk with her anymore. I was seriously suicidal for weeks – until I finally decided to go “no contact” (out of my own intuition, because I had never heard of this concept back then). I felt very, very guilty for doing this back then. Now, I think I’m starting to see the light and understand how horrible her abuse and brainwashing really was. Without no contact, that would have never happened.
Isla-gurl: Oh I can so relate to this! I was with an AC for nearly 9 years, always ready to excuse his shady behaviour and the way he tried to own me (because he loved my so much.. yeah :-)) Anyway, found some strength in the end to leave him (last year), started feeling better .. and then fell in love with a Mr EU.. future faking, fast forwarding, drama, all that rush and oh, so many dreams and hopes. It ended after 3 months.. because you know, he is a busy guy and has a lot of going on.. and it hurts. It hurts so much and I keep on thinking: why I am so sad about a loss of a 3 month relationship when I was pretty OK about the previous loss. I think it could have been the dreams he crushed.. or that only now, when this didn’t work out, I am finally acknowledging my previous relationship’s loss as well.
Hard to say, all I can do is to hang in there, apply NC and generally, be kind to myself and remain hopeful and positive. There are good days and there are bad days.
I know what you are going through so hang in there with me. You have been though so much and are an extremely strong person!
Isla,
I can relate to that, too, mourning the loss of a 6-month relationship more than my 9-year marriage.
There could be lots of reasons we do this, but for me, I think it may have been because it was not that long, but long enough to build up hopes and dreams.
Whereas in the marriage, I stayed way too long, and was hurt repeatedly, so I had plenty of opportunity to see that it was NEVER going to work.
With these shorter relationships that end so vaguely, we can’t help but wonder if it could have worked if given more time, or was it something we did. A few months of wonderful is a hard thing to let go of, when someone disappears for no reason. Especially if compared to 10 years of hell.
I know it’s hard not to fantasize about these short-term men, but if we focus on the fact that they do disappear, then hopefully we can realize they have no staying power. It doesn’t necessarily have to turn into a living hell to still be an unhealthy relationship.
I too felt worse being kicked by an AC after a year than I did when a long, beautiful, but in many ways, emotionally distant relationship ended. But I quicky realised that I had put off mourning the first relationship, since the second offered some sort of solution/justification/way out of having to process it. It all led to an almighty bursting of the identity-seams!
(And sorry to hear of all this hideous abuse. Awful. I have a strong feeling I would have been in the same situation with the AC. He had already started throwing things in my direction etc.)
Sounds like a 4-year-old. Maybe most, if not all, of them are cowardly little 4-year-olds. You are well rid of him. Never knew, until now, that he started doing crazy physical acts. He’d probably blame you for x, y, z future problems in his life! And then throw something at you, to boot!
I Can Do Better, I like your last line, ” It doesn’t necessarily have to turn into a living hell to still be an unhealthy relationship.” So true.
What I don’t understand about pressing the reset button is why are some people so desperate to be the exception to the rule by all means necessary? What could make someone think there’s nothing or no one else better out there that they’re willing to live in denial and stay with someone who they know is a bullsh@tter?
@Janine: I know it’s difficult to understand for people who haven’t been through it, but imagine this: Your own parents are chronic BSers who abuse you, molest you, humiliate you, ridicule you, neglect you, show up drunk…and afterwards, they always press the “reset” button and pretend nothing happened.
What would you do as a child? “Flush” them and say “next”? Unfortunately, this is out of question. Therefore, you go into denial and forget. As pathetic as it may sound, amnesia is probably the only way to survive toxic parents.
That’s how people acquire the habit. Unfortunately, they tend to repeat the pattern later in life. Changing those habits is possible, but it takes a lot of work and insight.
EllyB
It’s not pathetic, it’s a fantastic survival mechanism in a time of dire straits. For, say, a young child being sexually abused, denial is what will allow them to eat, breathe and survive. Unfortunately, it’s not suited to adult life where you have to assess a situation and take action. But we live and learn to be happy. And isn’t it the sweeter for what we have been through?
Exactly, esp. your last line.
@janine – EllyB and Grace hit it on the head. Sometimes this can happen even when the abuse is not as overt as sexual and physical abuse. For example, imagine being raised by an impuslive, emotionaly ambivliant parent who has a habit of breaking your boundaries and not respecting your right to self development. On the occasions you get angry about it (which is less frequent as you get older and the unhealthy behavior has become normalised), they get angry at you for not forgiving them right away, without actually addressing what they did was inappropriate. To make it all right again, because an angry parent is percieved as threatening to a child’s survival, you have to just forget it and act like nothing happened, and don’t even think about bringing it up again. The parent is the first one to teach some of us how to push the reset button to survive… we just have to learn that as adults its not necessary anymore, we are no longer dependent on anyone else for our survival.
Janine:
“What could make someone think there’s nothing or no one else better out there…”
It’s not really about thinking that Janine, it’s more that we forget we *are* worth better – whether better is out there or not. Forgetting, or failing to remember, our own value is all part of the problem; the relationship amnesia would not be so easily accomplished if we recognised and reminded ourselves that we are worth better. I suspect people with robust self-esteem don’t suffer too much from relationship amnesia, so maybe they can’t understand it; but it’s clear that low self-esteem results in us seeking validation of our worth from the ‘loved one’ and in order to receive that validation we need to conveniently forget his shoddy treatment otherwise we wouldn’t be able to magically turn the crumbs of his affections or attention into a whole loaf.
Wanting to be the exception to the rule is about knowing that the rule doesn’t work for you and wanting it corrected without having to do any of the work for yourself, something that I truly believe starts in childhood. I can honestly say that I stuck it out with a few men who were clearly behaving below my standards because I didn’t know that I could actually enforce my own boundaries, yet I wanted them to respect them. They were there, boy were they there, but I hadn’t had much practice in enforcing them. I had been taught in childhood that it didn’t matter what I wanted, and that authority figures had the right and the power to do to and what with me as they pleased. So I learned that my own boundaries didn’t matter. Even further, I learned that people that you care about the most were inevitably going to cross them, so you are to simply deal with it internally and get over it. The only hope I had was that these people would learn their lesson or spontaneously change their behavior since they would never listen to me. All bad information, but it was what I had learned from dealing with people who were supposed to show me the ways of the world and prepare me for it. So imagine my surprise once I hit the real would and learned that it didn’t work that way at all…
Lia,
Well said. We unconsciously engage in these relationships to finally fix what happened long ago. Athough all of my past relationships with men have been dysfunctional, the one that has had the most devastating effect on me is the one that most closely resembles the unhealthy relationships with my parents. I had various mother figures who literally vanished overnight after loving me as a cherished daughter before I was even 8. I had an ambivalent, impulsive, boundary crushing father who did not believe in personal growth if it didn’t align with what he thought was best for me – an oxymoron. Everyone knew better than I what was good for me. I had to be perfect, forget, and achieve to get the love and respect I wanted. Emotional and physical abuse was witnessed by family members, but nobody said anything, no one helped, so I learned that it was ok. Authority figures had the power to do anything they wanted to and that you had to give your power to them to survive.
It is hard revisiting a lot of this, and doing the work, in my case with therapy, but I am glad the real world doesn’t work this way!!! What a relief.
Jas
I’ve been the fallback girl for over twenty years. I was there before during and after each of his wives. His birthday is this week and I was actually thinking about sending him a gift. I always sent him gifts. He never remembered my birthday or bought me even one gift in twenty years. You have helped me a lot. I thought I was the only person who ever went through something like this. I asked to be upgraded to wife. I found out later he had reconciled with his second wife. He gave me every excuse but the truth. Now he’s all happy with her. I was always there and he always overlooked me. It’s so horribly painful.
D,
Oh God, I hope you do not send a gift or card! Are you still in contact with this man?
I have been communicating with an ex-boyfriend recently. Before I could agree to have lunch or coffee with him, there was some awkwardness that needed to be relieved. I told him about how uncomfortable I felt about certain degrading remarks he made to me over the course of our 5 month relationship: from about my political opinions to my cigarette habit. I’ll be damned if this joker didn’t try to spin everything into a “You misunderstood me!” kind of situation! Blah!
I can see where it would be so easy for me to fall in line with his version of reality…but I am committed to seeing things as they were and validating my own experiences. His spin is an attempt to deny, rationalize, and minimize the truth…which is….he’s a selfish ass who needs desperately to be seen as “the good guy” in order to mask his emotionally unavailablity.
So…I thanked him for sharing and listening. I have NO intentions of meeting up for coffee or dinner with him. I desire NO relationship / friendship with this man…because I already know what he is about! I’m not going through the motions of having a pseudo anything with another EUM! No more amnesia for me! I’m sticking to the BS diet. Thanks, Natalie!
Tasha, I LOVE IT.
This is probably the one and only reason for ever doing ‘suck it and see’ – to reaffirm that you made the 100% correct decision!
PJM… Thanks for reminding me of that post. I will have to go back and read it again. This time…with clarity. 😉
And I did make the correct decision in breaking off the relationship with him. We’d danced the dance SEVERAL times before it finally ended for good. I saw fake tears, him making “demands” and “threats”, asking for a “chance to talk”…. Whatever it took to keep me on the string. NOPE. No one gets to tell me that they love me and then turn around and insult and degrade me….and then tell me I got it all wrong. Unfortunately, for this ex-boyfriend, I got really wise towards REALITY thanks to the narcissist ex-husband (That’s another story…..) and in reality I shall stay.
I am currently trying to figure out the pattern of people I attract into my life that have this habit of trying to erase reality when it suits them….and what I need to change in me to avoid this again.
Natalie, you have a rare gift of acute insight and meticulous articulation!! Its as though you are literally shuffling through the files of my mind and reading them directly off their index cards. I have been a relationship amnesiatic professional, and and currently in recovery and doing very nicely, thank you, thanks to your blog. You’re so wise for your young years – but you are really doing a great service to our gender! Best to you!
“periods of time are a blur in my life as I was too busy holding myself hostage in a dodgy relationship!” So true!! I wasted so many experiences and opportunities because i was mooning over some utter moron! I remember going to the Notting Hill Carnival last year, just after breaking up with the EUM for the second time, and spending the entire time being a sour-faced, black hole of misery. Everyone else had a brilliant time – the place was alive with music, great food and all the colours you can imagine, and i was busy thinking about that idiot and why he didn’t want me. *head desk*.
Re the beginning of the article, about people disappearing for a while, i will actually be doing that myself. I will be off travelling for a few months – leaving in a couple of weeks. The boyfriend is coming out to visit me for a bit, during the middle of my trip. I am worried about what this will mean for he and i, but i am just going to roll with it and make the best most of the situation and not spend my time in fear of what’s going on back home. I don’t want to come back regretting that i was in some amazing location, but too busy fretting over my relationship! I’ll drop by again once i come back, to catch up with you lovely ladies (and gents) again. 🙂
Have a terrific time! And I imagine that this travel will only make you feel more confident – for this relationship or any other! xx
Have a great time, Minky, and good luck with the wonderful step of travel with the bf.
Thanks ladies! I’m really excited. Something i’ve always wanted to do. I’ll be on my own most of the time, so we’ll see how things go, long distance, while i’m in the middle of nowhere!
I was only puzzling about this very thing last night.
I heard a story where a girl had been in an on off on off relationship for nearly 2 years, last I heard anything they were off, but now I hear they have moved in together. It is none of my business really but I was thinking what ?? He has lied, future faked, cheated and its off more than on and now you are living together.
So I could not work out how they got to the point of living together, but reading the above I think ahaaa, all makes sense now.
I myself am guilty of relationship amnesia and minimising things that have happened and have participated in helping to press the reset button. It is easy to do when you are looking for the high you deny yourself the reality of the lows.
I have to agree when you go back and second time and nothing is sorted out all the same problems keep cropping up and you either keep arguing about it or shut up about it because you have chosen to be there again.
Dear Natalie & BR readers,
It’s true, I’m one of those people who haven’t pop by in a couple of months now. But it’s not because I’m back with my ex! 😛 At the moment I’m seriously considering another person, who is actually a very good friend of mine, but I gradually realized I had other feelings for him (NOT that “friend-zone” type of friendship, where he treats me like one of the boys 😛 ). I discovered a very sensitive and respectful person, who is always ready to help in times of trouble, and sometimes even when in theory he should have other priorities. I’ve never seen selfishness or “high-school tricks” in his behaviour. He actually has the balls to say “I love you” and “I can’t wait to see you again” (stuff that my ex never said, not even when we were together). It’s a long distance thing, though… 🙁 But I swear I prefer having a long-distance relationship with someone like him, rather than carry on playing cat and mouse with my ex, who lives in the same city! Plus, we both travel a lot, and meeting up would not be a problem. And I am absolutely sure that if things didn’t work out, he would be 100% honest about it. It’s amazing when you have the feeling that you can TRUST someone, no matter what happens! 😉
And my ex? Yeah, he’s still alive… 😛 Now he has some idea about the existence of this other guy, and he’s kissing my backside again, but…see my comments above! He’s had his chance and he blew it! 😉
Natalie, I heard that you’re getting married, and I wish you all the best and all the love in the world, together with your other half and your lovely little girls! 😉 As for myself…I hope I will only pop by to say hello, and not to mend my broken heart! 😀
Good one.
To me, this is kinda like being a hungry person, licking the crumbs off of a table in anticipation of getting a full meal… while forgetting (amnesia) that the one who was supposed to feed the hungry person, never gave the hungry person a full meal in the first place and just drops crumbs all over the table from time to time. 😐 Has the hungry forgotten that he/she has been starving 90% of the time whilst waiting for the full meal to arrive at the table? 😐
“Don’t let anyone try to take your dignity and eff with your mind!”
A-to-the-MEN on this one Nat! Thanks for being the beacon of intelligent thought amongst all the BS:)
“We’d break up (at my instigation) and the moment that I got wind that he was moving on, I’d be shimmying over and suggesting we get back together which he always agreed to.” roflmao! picturing the “shimmying” on over to sweet-talk the FB guy… I don’t know why that’s so funny, but it is!
oh dear, Relationship Amnesia… posted a comment on facebook, probably can’t say much more:
genius post. oh, it was all so magical and perfect and wonderful… oh, it really isn’t all that bad how he’s behaved like a spineless A**Clown for the last 1+ year. there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation. he’s not really an AC, he’s still Prince Charming Love of My Life from the beginning. wait, I can’t remember — what were we talking about?
I can identify with the amnesia concept. This is a fantastic post. Nat you are a genius. I hope you teach your little girls all of your people skills.
I once dated a guy who was extremely unsympathetic about everything. He was really friendly aside from this, but his coldness and inability to show emotions in important situations was disturbing. I once became very ill and was hospitalised and they didn’t know if I was going to die or not and he didn’t even acknowledge it. I called him from the hospital half delirious on medication and he didn’t come to visit me or ask how I was. He just said call me when you get out. Then when I got out of hospital I had to take time off work and he said I was being lazy. I was so shocked by this and broke up with him, but somehow he became sweet again and we started dating again and I forgot about his extreme insensitivity.
Then a year later my friend was murdered and it really levelled me and when I told my boyfriend he didn’t even respond. He stopped answering his emails/phone for the week. I started to actually feel guilty that maybe I had made him uncomfortable. The truth is that he was insensitive to the core and showed me this, but I forgot and then it just happened again.
lavender
I’m gobsmacked. You’re well shot of him.
Grace – me too. suffice to say I’m really not a good judge of men! I still wonder if he was just not in touch with his emotions and did in fact have feelings, but just couldn’t cope with expressing them, or if he was some kind of psycopath. Right now I lean towards the psycopath analysis, but still hope that’s not the case. When my friend was killed I didn’t expect him to comfort me, but I didn’t expect him to disregard what had happened either. When I asked him what happened he said “I’ve had a lot of similar experiences and realise it’s just life and you move on.” Then he never discussed it again and I had to grieve alone.
Lavender, I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend and how this guy treated you. I don’t know much about psychopaths, but I think we can say for sure that there was something waaaaaaaaay wrong going on with this guy. You’re not alone – not that this in ANY way compares to what you went through, but in one of my go-arounds with my ex a few years ago, my job that I loved moved to another state. He couldn’t even muster a “Natasha, I’m sorry to hear that.”. I thought, “Oh, well I probably didn’t sound upset enough about it when I told him, so that’s why he didn’t say anything supportive.” Trust me, you’re not the only one that had some work to do on judging a man’s character! *Big Hugs*
lavender, grace, natasha:
This kind of thing has been a *key* one for me and it’s only this last interaction with my friend that has helped me see the pattern!
I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just *freeze up* around anyone else’s pain and weakness, and that this is usually the type of person that seems strong to me because they never cry, are super efficient, and seem so even-keeled!
I’ve always been drawn to folks who seem so much better to handle their feelings than me, super-emotional-and-easily-hurt/angered-Magnolia. But imbalance finds imbalance, and my high reactivity drew in the numb numb numb folks. In the beginning, they probably found me colorful and stirring and expressive, and I found them polished.
But some people just numb out. They kind of get paralyzed when they are expected to be supportive. I think these folks are unsupportive to themselves, and don’t allow themselves to cry or mourn or feel doubt, so they have no idea what to do with someone who “allows” themselves to go there.
I have come to the conclusion that one of my values is
(omg … I am searching for the words and … *head desk*)
EMOTIONAL AVAILABILITY.
I am laughing right now. Magnolia finally getting it over here!!
By that I mean the strength to go to difficult places emotionally and still stay strong, supportive, flexible and open – rather than turn into a hot weeping, swearing mess (me), or go into cruelty or deepfreeze mode (my favorite kind of EU mirror)!
Natasha – thank you so much for your kind words. I guess I only ever wanted him to acknowledge in one phrase that my friend had died in such a bad way. I guess the reason it was so over after that and I had bounced back before was because this time I felt like he was insulting the memory of my friend. I know exactly what you mean about how your ex didn’t even acknowledge how you felt. That is a perfect example of what I was trying to say. Huge hugs to you too.
Magnolia – what you’ve written is just brilliant and so insightful. The whole description of the person freezing up around pain is just exactly what I think of this guy and also another ex of mine (pattern?). The both called me many times overly emotionally and hypersensitive for no reason. It seemed to them that just showing some emotion was abnormal. You are right about how you said these people don’t allow themselves to feel pain, cry etc, cause the guy I was talking about told me that death didn’t affect him.
My goodness Magnolia. You are on FIRE with your comments on this entry. Even more food for thought. Thank you. 🙂
@Magnolia: Excellent remarks! However, I think – besides the people who are “cold” through and through – there are also those who have a LOT of compassion for themselves and absolutely none for others (they are called narcissists). From here, I can’t tell which one you were dealing with, Lavender. However, I think both types are toxic.
My mother was clearly like that. She told me I was “completely lacking empathy” whenever I didn’t pity her enough for a minor inconvenience. On the other hand, whenever I told her about the severe bullying I had to endure at school (for almost 10 years), she stayed cold as ice.
Several female “best friends” of mine from the past were exactly the same. *sigh*
Totally agree Mag – damn you’re a smart lady! They can also be so busy wallowing in their own issues that to be there for someone else is out of the question. Ever been involved with a guy that wants you to be Dr. Armchair, Free Psychologist (I have!) and then if you want advice on something, they have nothing to say? Charming. In some other cases, they just have no empathy. Neither option is worth pushing the Reset Button FOR them!
Natasha, your posts make me smile. Dr. Armchair, ha! Oh yeah, been there, have the tee shirt.
With my man unit, I don’t think it’s because he was cold, or insensitive, I really think he’s simply a coward. Doesn’t know how/when to step up to the plate.
I had quite a sense of amnesia about that, because I had ridiculous amounts of empathy for HIM! Crazy. I feel sad for the guy sometimes, yet at this point I desire, as Magnolia so eloquently stated, someone with emotional balance. Some equilibrium of give and take, please.
Mango, you got a t-shirt?! Damn, I didn’t even get an “I Counseled An Assclown And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” promotional tank top. That is messed up 😉 Having been involved with a Reset Button-happy coward myself, I feel you girl! A lot of them will scuttle away should they think you might expect any support from them (heaven forbid) and, if they want to press the ol’ RB – fine, but we don’t need to be helping haha!
“Don’t let anyone try to take your dignity and eff with your mind!”
After the emotional rollercoaster I just got dumped off of, that sentence needs to be posted everywhere — fridge, computer, all over my house. I will never allow someone to do that again. Sometimes there are red flags that are so obvious, but you just don’t want to believe that they are there. I’m trying not to kick myself because I really feel like a sucker. But I just really wanted what most people want — and that’s someone to love them and who gets them. Putting yourself back together after allowing someone to headscrew you is really the worst feeling.
This post definitely hit home, thanks for the support.
Yes the case of memory lapse is at fault for a lot of things. On Monday I finally told my EUM what I thought of the fact that for the entire three months we’d been dating, and the three months following that where he’s been ‘friendly’, read flirting and kissing, with me acting like a nice guy, he had a girlfriend.
I know NML has written that such confrontations don’t achieve much, but I felt much better afterwards as for so long I’d played ‘nice’ and played along with his lie that ‘things were complicated’. It felt good to say how things were, and the impact all his lies had had on me. And it felt right to take responsiblity for my part in not realising his shady behaviour had a very horrible cause. In my defence, I’d married very young and never had any dating experience, and friends were counselling to ‘give the benefit of the doubt’.
He called me the next morning before I was awake to ‘be the first to wish me happy birthday’. A combination of slumber and me thinking, well isn’t that nice, and before you knew it I’d given him four more minutes of my life, and given him the idea that somehow a tiny, meaningless, cheap gesture could make up for all the lies.
All my grand words of the day before were undone and now I feel vulnerably in a grey area again.
This is why a diary and written cards around the house cataloguing the lies and hurts are useful (which sounds nuts, but something physical to remind you of what he has said or done when he is texting / calling acting as if nothing has happened).
I think the human brain has developed to erase trauma and pain and hold onto positivity (ie childbirth) – and this is a good thing, except for when you’re dealing with very dishonest people.
I think we can all look back at our broken relationships and wonder that if we had done something different they would not have been broken. But we have to remember they were broken for a reason.
Personally after being NC for over a year after a 3 year relationship with someone i thought was my everything until i discovered by chance he was cheating and probably had been from the start, as much as i searched for reasons as to why he cheated it has taken me a long time to recover and stop blaming myself for his infidelity. We really were happy, we really did have a fantastic sexual connection and yet he strayed. It shattered my self belief, and my self esteem, but i could never forgive the thought of him being so deceptive. The trust had gone forever. I realise now the reason why he could be so convincing when he said he would never cheat as he had everything he needed, i.e. me. He is a Narcissist no doubt about it.
I have read so many descriptions of a narcissist and now i truly know what he is, and why he will carry on cheating for the rest of his days. This man is now in his mid 60’s and not really in the best of health. I would have looked after him for the rest of his days i was so into him. So his loss. These narcissists should come with a health warning, preferably a tattoo on their forehead! Looking back i probably ignored some ‘red flags’ on reflection, but he was so charming, courteous, seemed like a gift from the gods after i became a widow and was probably vulnerable to say the least.
The trouble now is, although i have had several dates since we split with seemingly decent men, i find myself scrutinising every little thing i am told, so i guess i am not over him yet and will stay with my healing for longer.
@ madam butterfly
I understand how you feel because I have been through the same thing. I too discovered by chance that my ex-boyfriend was cheating and blamed myself for his infidelity. How crazy was that?! It was only through many months of counseling that I have been able to make some sense out of it. My ex boyfriend is a narcissist as well. There is no way to ever be first in a narcissist life. They will always be #1, their needs will always come first.
Learning of his cheating was devastating and I am still healing from it all. I am also starting to date but not really enjoying the process. Hopefully, with time, things will get better…for both of us! Hugs to you!
Just what I needed to read during this time of my hurtful breakup with X
How could I still be hopefull when the obvious has been right in front of my face for 10yrs!
Wish I would have found ur words so much earlier!
🙂 Don’t worry Natalie! I’m not back with the Butthead … that’s not to say that he has not been trying to dig up that old grave and throw me back in! He finally doesn’t get to me anymore. At best, he is a distraction from the things I’m trying to concentrate on right now – Number 1 is getting a new job as soon as I can AND it is not because I want to get away from him! Just that right there is an amazing feat for me.
I’ve got so many other issues I have to deal with in my life right now – big ones that require my attention and effort and time… all the things he used to get from me. And if he did not prove enough that he was a jerk before, he shows me now that he could give a flip what happens to me or my children in the long run. He pretends to – but it’s not real and I finally see right through it.
I admit that part of me is bitter and jaded by all that has happened. I don’t trust men right now and have no desire to be with one. Hopefully that will change one day, but I’m no longer staring at the clock and worried that by the time I think I’ll have another go, I’ll be “too old”. Surely there is better out there!
I will be 49 yeas old this year and my goal is to be at peace with myself and happy with myself and my life and my children’s lives by the time I am 50. I’m ready for some good, easyish (lol), happy times. I have not had that in so long. How great would it be to enjoy my 50’s! My 40’s were painful and sad.
Of course you have been right all along, Natalie. Nobody is going to get me there but me. <3
An old work secret EU fling died unexpectedly. A classic emotional avoidant, he drove me bonkers but I was civil because I was at work, I know what that is like and I was aware of his limitation. After I went to bed with him not only did he went AWOL but I found out that he had a girlfriend, ( he told me the opposite and his facebook profile did not show a heart) but he was living with her. Once he got back, I acted like what he did not matter to me and treated like a friend with bad BO, replacing his name with liar on my phone. Yet dealing with him and holding on to my sanity taught me much about my own emotional limitation.
After his passing, his live-girlfriend got a flood of calls from former “ girlfriends”. A typical “ woman who loves too much and a love addict”, she let get him away with murder and she still goes on about how he was the love of her life and he was her world. I was sad because I liked him as a human being, angry because he was reckless, depressed, filled with self-loathing and unable to deal with his character shortcomings but also angry at myself that I let my loneliness and need for validation got the better of my judgement and lower my standards.
When I get misty eyed, I just have to remember how the one and only time we slept together, after he pursued me and told me I made him feel good ( I was his anti-depressant) his selfishness and lack of concern for me as a human being and and inability to treat me like a real woman became evident. His lack of tenderness in the sack made the bull he had told me to get me into bed even worse. Actually when I met his family, I totally understood how his emotional avoidance developed.
To combat -Relationship Amnesia – focus on how shitty he made you feel and count the highs. Do the maths, use excel if you have to and a nice little chart pie. The lows will be bigger than the highs.
excellent.
Thanks
This could’ve so easily been me because I had such high hopes after we broke up that we would be able to work things out. Then he started talking to the new girl right away and I started learning about narcissism, and still a part of me kept thinking “If it wasn’t for her, I would’ve forgiven him for so much”. And then last night while I read this post, it suddenly hit me. The problem wasn’t the new girl, he went after a new girl right away because he just didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. He’d probably felt that way for months and was too chicken to do anything about it until I gave him permission for him to not be with me anymore. Of course I totally believed his lies – that he just wanted to work on himself and it wasn’t me, he still loved me, blah blah blah. And even when I found out about her, I excused it with his narcissism and wasn’t willing to see the truth until now. That he just didn’t love me anymore (or his version of love anyway).
This was a small piece that was still holding me back because I couldn’t understand how he could move on so quickly, even when I asked him to wait until I had moved out, if he still loved me. And last night the final puzzle piece clicked into place. Although I’ve known for a while that I would never go back to him, I was still very confused at his ability to disrespect me and our 6 years together so easily. And now it finally all makes sense.. his feelings just weren’t there anymore. It seems so simple, but it took this long for me to truly see it. And now I think THANK GOD it all happened the way it did. Didn’t think I would ever think that, but honestly.. if he hadn’t acted like a douche and moved so quickly to someone else, I would still be in that halfway point – holding on, hoping we could make it work, and him never telling me the truth about his feelings but more than happy to keep me around. If he hadn’t screwed up, I’d probably still be on the merry go round. It allowed me to start moving on and I am now super grateful for that.
A new guy I have been dating recently asked me why I stayed in a four year relationship with someone who had treated me badly (my ex AC). I didn’t know how to answer him. Of course I know I had low self esteem, I was being mind f*cked, I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was, I had a dysfunctional childhood and a narc father, I needed validation, I was scared, I was broken, I was confused, I was a fallback girl, I didn’t trust or value myself, and I had wool over my eyes, but to answer with all that “simply” was hard. Plus, I didn’t want to say those things about myself. While its true, I have a past and it has shaped me, sometimes for the worse, I am learning from it now. I can’t remember exactly what I answered but it was hard to put into words that didn’t completely incriminate myself and make me look like a complete fool. I kept it short and tried to just be honest. The ex was an ass to me, but I had hope in him as a person (more than myself I guess), because he had peppered the relationship with some good times until an event happened that made it clear I could never go back (he punched me in the face). I definitely had some sort of amnesia through out the relationship, but even now it’s hard to answer why I stayed. Because I didn’t know any better, but now I do.
Soooo true! We all seem to remember the grandest version of who we wished they were (or who they promised they’d be) instead of remembering that we broke up for a reason!
Always insightful, as usual.
Grace:
“I share that with you because … no story here is unique. Someone’s been there before and got out the other side. And so will you. xx”
…THANK YOU for this, it gives me hope that I will get it together and love myself first and get back the self esteem I used to have so I don’t jump into yet another relationship with some AC or EUM. I come to this blog not to feel alone or crazy, thank you again to you and all the other wisdom I find in these comments. Too bad the wisdom has to be earned the hard way.
Vee
“future faking, fast forwarding, drama, all that rush and oh, so many dreams and hopes. It ended after 3 months.. because you know, he is a busy guy and has a lot of going on.. and it hurts. It hurts so much and I keep on thinking: why I am so sad about a loss of a 3 month relationship when I was pretty OK about the previous loss. I think it could have been the dreams he crushed.. or that only now, when this didn’t work out, I am finally acknowledging my previous relationship’s loss as well.”
THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE ME TALKING! I love the “busy” excuse, so laughable! I use the word crushed to describe it all the time, hurts SO MUCH becuase you are so blindsided…but it seems to be getting a bit better for me this week, I am almost ready I think to delete texts and pictures, smash every thing he everr gave me, ha ha!!! haven’t cried in a few days over him. I am literally wearing an elastic band around my wrist and snapping it everytime I think of him to shock my brain! I am going to have a scar!! I am so proud I have not sent a single one of the hundreds of texts and emails I have composed to him and not called him in a month. I just sort of faded away too, no confrontation, no begging or pleading, I held my dignity intact for the most part. Thank you so much for your support. It sounds like we have lived parrallel lives!
Thank you so, so much Nat. I haven’t been posting for a while now, but I had both people that were interested in me in May/June back in my life, again! One has been a friend since and was on a “break” with his gf. He tried to see if I could be his fallback (nope!). The other was friendly (ran into by chance), cast doubt in my mind, but I stuck to my guns. I didn’t let amnesia sink in with the second one (player) and while it hurts like mad, I won’t budge on how I expect to be treated.
I am in such emotional distress right now on the inside. I feel degraded, stupid, and worthless because of how my ex/on-off boyfriend acts towards me (and I feel bad saying that for some reason probably because those are really powerful words). I am in such denial and usually laugh off anything mean that was said or any inconsiderate gesture. I tell myself … this is just what he is like, and not to take it as a form of disrespect. I am in denial.
I am not happy. But I feel stuck and sort of the bad person if I leave because he will play the “What? I wasn’t trying to disrespect you card”. I will believe it over and over again. I know I should just be strong and say “Who cares, I am not happy. I am out”. But unfortunately I am not that strong. I feel that if I was to say that, it will be completely turned around on me. I want to be strong, but it is so damn hard. I am also still betting on potential. But waay less then I used to.
Can anyone relate?
Hi Australia,
Yesterday, prompted by this post, I went back to my journals of last year and looked at some of my entries from when I was dating the AC, to remind myself of what I went through. My entries sound just like your note here. Almost exactly. I remember, it was very hard for me to write “I am not happy with him.” Because part of me did want what I got out of being with him.
I don’t know if I can help. At some point you just say to yourself, I am not having any fun here. This is unpleasant.
Do you know you don’t need any reason at all to break up with someone? You can just be “out of love” with them, if you need words for it? “It’s just not working for me,” is fine, too. You don’t need to be being disrespected to let go of a relationship.
I made that mistake: always thinking, “Is he bad enough to actually dump? He’s not THAT bad.” Who cares? I should have been asking, “How wonderful is he? Very wonderful, or only a tiny bit wonderful?”
For me, though, the end came when I saw him truly disrespecting people he called friends (who weren’t business contacts). I knew if he were my husband I’d be embarrassed by his behaviour, and by proxy I would be inviting people into my home to be treated like crap. Too bad I didn’t value myself enough to be embarrassed at how he treated me (well, I was), but when I saw I’d have to pretend I condoned his asshole behaviour toward others, I had enough “reason.”
I used the line: “I just don’t agree with a lot of the choices you make, and I don’t want to spend my life stifling my discomfort.”
Feel free to use any of that to free yourself. Get out and get started on the healing asap.
Australia,
Magnolia is right. You are allowed to end it for whatever reason – he does not have to agree with you! Nor do you need his permission, nor do you need to win an argument about it. His counter-arguments sound like he’d like you to just go with the relationship amnesia and also adopt amnesia about your own feeings.
He would say he “wasn’t trying to disrespect you…”. Well that would be big of him! In other words, he’d mean:
‘I’m not trying to disrespect you, it’s just that disrespecting you is something that comes so naturally to me I don’t even know when I’m doing it”
thank you.
Alot of this has clicked with me. Im starting to think my whole life is a reset button. As far as “relationships” go, 1st:3 yrs, 2nd:3 yrs, 3rd: 2nd yrs, etc. It might not sound like alot to some of you, but if it’s daily emotional & yes, financial abuse, it can feel like a lifetime. The sad part is Im still getting calls from these men, thinking that door is still open! The last relationship, with a 31-year old college educated professional who lived with his momma, turned out as bad as the others. Poor man didnt make it past 60 days! The 1st time he showed any signs of being like all the others, I helped him to the curb! Ladies, there are worst things then being alone! Stop remembering the good times! Only think about the bad times! You still waiting on his call as many times as he called you fat or unattractive?! Let it go! You dont need a man. You can always get a cat!
For me, to get a cat would be like swapping an EU man for an EU pet! They slink around as if they’re the cat’s pyjamas; cast you icy, haughty stares for the least little thing, come and go as they please, disappear for days without a word; they manage your expectations, take all your affections for granted; everything on their terms; they run hot and cold; they don’t think they have to put any work into the relationship… they think they have nine lives! Lol! They have no loyalty – they are too busy loving themselves! They will walk away from you without even a backward glance and forget all about you (Lol); they go slinking round your friends looking for an ego stroke – not to be trusted! And their owners forgive them anything and always take them back cos the owners have pet relationship amnesia! That’s a cat for you. And cats only get along with other EU people! 🙂
Now, a nice wee playful dog…. well, that’s a different story! Lol.
Fearless…I’m sad that you say that about cats. I have 2 and they are THE most loving guys ever (both boys). Climbing on me, giving kisses, waiting at the door when I arrive to say hello (meow). Cats are just like all people….some are EU and some are not. Mine are the BEST!!!!
Now now Fearless, that’s not fair. We had a cat that came to the door when you came home, jumped on your lap etc. Get yourself a nice, warm guinea pig! Sweetest things in the world!
Ahahahaha, cats are EU! That’s funny! Pet me now, pet me now…….don’t touch me!
Ya, give me a big ‘ole dog any day. The kind with four paws and a tail, that is.
I’m with you on the dogs.
Dog Fanatic
Looks like the Dog Vote is building! I do love cats too – there is much to be admired about their independent and self-reliant natures that we validation-seeking humans might learn from. The two cats we had (brothers from the same litter) used to follow us on a walk around the garden and then bound up to our open arms much as a dog would, and they do all have their own individual little personalities.
But no matter how lovely and affectionate cats can be (if they’re not an EUC, that is), you just can’t do better than dogs for their sheer exuberance and joie-de-vivre – so infectious and uplifting 🙂
No going back for me Nat… I do still read BR most days but don’t comment as much since I feel that they are now redundant (my comments)… “reject the bad, tell yourself you deserve better, build your self esteem (typically a result of rejecting the bad), and learn how to be happy and live a full life on your own”. But yes, in the past I went back for a second round with my EUM after he called me for 2 months without a response. I took it as a long hard fought gesture and put my hand back in the fire. Only to find out nothing had changed once he got me back where he wanted me.
I think the big piece to this is all of our EUMs probably had several things that we loved about them. Those are the things that keep you hooked in or get you to go back. You want him because of those things but you hope that he will develop or change into the man you think he could be. When he doesn’t you have to give him up and all the things you loved about them, and that ain’t easy. But I like to view it now as a life lesson I needed to learn… that it’s much easier to find someone that already has all the things you need than to try to change someone into being that person. I couldn’t change him and he wouldn’t change for me. That’s ok, he’s off living his life and I’m living mine. What matters is that now I’m smarter, I’ve changed and learned and now I can live a happier life. We all have that opportunity and thanks to BR I always get to come here and keep everything in check. Again, much thanks for all you do Natalie… it’s amazing.
For whomever is interested, I found a very useful tool in a book called “Getting Past your Breakup” (fantastic book, btw): a relationship inventory, where you list all the positive and all the negative of it, kinda like an X-ray of the relationship which allows you to see the unadulterated reality of it, guided by very specific questions to write about. Very grounding!
If it is ok w/Natalie, to plug GPYP; I credit the author, Susan Eliott and Natalie with keeping me from going insane these last 2 years. I encourage everyone here to supplement this blog with hers. Nat & Susan carry the same message; Susan is a psychologist so she can offer the addtional insight to what is actually going on to cause us to react the way we do.
I needed this right now. Its my second break up in 3 years. The last one was a narc and this final one was good in every way or so I thought. He was attentive, charming, the perfect gentleman. Had told his family about me but guess what he left the country and I couldn’t even meet anyone of his family before that. When I asked about it that was when the final fight that led to the break up happened. Finally he met me once to talk about breaking up, cried all the time. He didn’t even meet the day before he left the country, said he didn’t have the courage to do so. Even till two days ago I believed in his goodness, the fact that his father was ill might have clouded his decision etc etc. But it took me a male friend’s frank analysis to realise I didn’t deserve to be guilt tripped for his inability to make a decision.
And all of you are right, as a child, I was a master at denial. I never got unconditional love at home and always felt I had to do something extra ordinary to be loved and not just that making even a slight mistake was enough to deprive me of love. No wonder my self esteem is down in the dumps. I haven’t yet learnt to stand up to myself. Nat, thanks for all this. My mother sometimes say similar stuff to me, but guess what, others are not allowed to bust my boundaries but my parents think it is their right. They get angry when others do what they do to me and wonder why I don’t stand up for myself and yet they are oblivious to what they do.
“Don’t ‘forget’ things that make you uncomfortable and cause you pain – it’s convenient for others for you to forget the true nature of their behaviour, but it’s not good or healthy for you and that’s where your focus needs to be.”
So true. But to be honest, sometimes it feels as though it is convenient to forget their behavior, because then you don’t have to face the reality of the situation. I’m at the point in my life where I take steps to hold myself accountable and responsible for being honest with myself, but for about as long as I can remember, I have always struggled with being emotionally honest with myself. It was like if I’ve ever suffered pain at the hands of someone else it always felt better to just sweep it under the rug, temporarily at least. Somewhat of an out of sight out of mind mentality I figure.
Nothing has ever had the ability to make me feel like a wounded child more than the thought that someone has actually wounded my heart. And in those situations I think I’ve felt the need to lick my wounds, or nurse myself back to health emotionally, all the while feeling incredibly vulnerable and defenseless. I’ve always hated those feelings because they made me feel weak, and for a long time I didn’t know how to properly function with them. I didn’t know that these feelings were experienced by everyone and that I had to listen to them in order to learn from them. I don’t think I was ever taught a proper way to actually process negative emotions period, so I simply did with them what I thought was easiest, ignore them. But what I’ve learned is that issues never truly go away without being addressed, whether they be internal struggles or external issues with another person.
I absolutely agree with what you’re saying, but I’ve had to make it more personal in order for me to really apply it to life. It’s not so much important to me that it’s convenient for them for me to forget, but that it’s not really all that convenient for me to do it. In the long run, not only was I the one suffering, I was the one who wasn’t getting anything out of it.
The EUM ghost from my past never called. I am now moving through the disappointment of it. I read too much into his resurfacing and asking how I was. Caused myself much anxiety and grief over it. Analyzing the whys and what fors. While I know this isn’t true, it FEELS like there is something just wrong with me. If there wasn’t, why would I keep attracting these men that are not there? I’ve accessed my own unavailability and made effort to be more available. Is there some curse against me and I do not deserve to have an available man that does not want to play games? Perhaps if I open up and be more outgoing that will help cure this? Maybe I did say something that put him off?
I’m already under enough stress with some health issues and feeling quite lonely in that. I only feel wanted by the people that are “supposed” to want me: my mom and a relative. What else can I possibly do when I keep being reinforced that men do not want me or only temporarily? Going around thinking affirmations like “I am desirable, I am lovable” or whatever do not feel true. I am not looking for pity.
Color, your comment really touched me. I think I mentioned to you before that I had an ex-AC pop up (in my case, the relationship was sufficiently dysfunctional that responding is totally out of the question) and it brought up a host of unpleasant emotions. You didn’t do anything to put this guy off. As Nat says, for some of these guys, just responding to them is enough of an ego stroke/validation and they disappear again. Like you, I have a health problem that stress majorly exacerbates and I know what it’s like to be like, “I’m dealing with this AGAIN? REALLY?! What am I doing wrong?!”
You’re not doing anything that’s making this guy do what he does – it’s just who he is. It’s just them “chancing their arm”! Here is an article of Nat’s that did me a whole world of good and I think you’ll really like it as well:
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-is-he-calling-me-what-type-of-vibes-am-i-giving-off/
Hope you feel better and big hugs from me to you!!
Natasha,
Thanks for the link to that article! I’d never seen it on here and it was just what I needed to read. It feels like some cosmic lesson I’m not learning when it happens! Even though I feel down now, I know I have come a long way since he and I had our “thing” over two years ago. Back then I emailed and text him all the time asking when he was going to contact me, did I do something wrong bla bla bla bla bla. Feeding that gigantic ego of his. Now he reaches out to me and I only responded. I totally stopped the behavior I did before. Back then if this had happened I would have already text him a half dozen times or emailed asking where he was, is he going to call, etc. If/when he ever calls, it’s up to him, ball in his court. I’ll be damned if I chase after a man again begging for him to call me. It’s a bruise to my own ego though, here I thought I may have meant even a smidgen to him.
Natasha and Color,
Thank you for linking the article “why is he calling…”. It was written 120 days before I discovered this wonderful site and all of you and I missed it in the archives. Color, the article and all the comments describe precisely why these ex AC/ EU’s keep calling and popping up like an assclown-in-the-box. I hope you have the opportunity to read it. (BTW, Fearless and Grace have some great comments in that thread.) As a recovering FBG, I have experienced these pop-up ass clowns who only have one button, the reset button. They rely on us to suffer from relationship amnesia in order to hit the reset button. It is so hard to hear and it bears repeating, it does NOT have anything to do with you. You are NOT cursed. You didn’t do anything to put him off. He’s just off. You are not causing them to be AC/EUM’s. They simply are. Additionally, I’m not so certain anymore about the explanation of “attraction”. After reading this blog and the comments for 9 months as well as all of Natalie’s books, I think it may be that these kinds of folks (men and women) are just out there. It’s what we do when we encounter them that sets our path. We set our path. They can’t set it for us unless we allow it.
This part of your post resonated with me because I have thought the same thing: “What else can I possibly do when I keep being reinforced that men do not want me or only temporarily?” For me, Natalie’s articles about self-esteem and the comments helped me to see that I cannot get a man to do for me (love, care, and respect me) if I can’t do it for myself. Take care of you Color, particularly your health. A man can’t take care of your health. Hitting the reset button with a EUM/AC can ruin it though. In my experience, hitting the reset button with a EUM/AC didn’t much help my loneliness either. I just got lonelier. I’m still working through this myself and I want to lend my support to you, although I don’t have any answers other than the answers may lie within us, not them. Shoot, that sounds harsh and I don’t mean any judgment. Maybe what I’ve written applies to me and not to you. Please disregard if it doesn’t apply. Please know, I’m struggling through this too.
runnergirl,
I am not offended by anything you said at all. And about the attraction thing, I have my doubts about it as well. Either that or I do not fully understand it, yet. If this is happening to so many of us, it doesn’t seem that all of us would have our “law of attraction” THIS messed up. It takes a lot of unlearning, I know. Possibly when they come back around, and once I get over my despair over it, I can either wallow in it or use it as another excuse/reminder to look out for myself. And your words spoke to me just as they did you.
Runner and Color, so glad you liked the article – it’s one of my favs too! I chuckled over the Law of Attraction mentions, because my best friend is always leaving her copy of The Secret at my house haha! I think that stuff is all great and fine, but it’s down to making the right choices. I believe that if you go through life loving youself (while acting accordingly by making the right choices) and having empathy for others, good things tend to follow.
To wit: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/positive-woman-positive-relationship/
Color, I think this dude is just a game-playing fool. Like it says in the article, they don’t KNOW that we’ve changed. You’re probably giving him a bit of a shock by not chasing him – well done sister 🙂
Colour,
“The EUM ghost from my past never called.”
The clue is in the “EUM”! Maybe he had a dose of relationship amnesia when he called first time, and then again when he didn’t call a second time!… (and you gave yourself a hard time and still are cos your having a dose of relationship amnesia!) Don’t give EUs any space; don’t forget what you’re dealing with and you’ll be fine. Your mistake was thinking he might have ‘changed’. Just cos he hasn’t changed doesn’t mean you haven’t – don’t let him tell you who you are! Sounds like he just wanted to know if you were still ‘available’. If he comes back, don’t be.
Fearless,
I had a bit of “amnesia” there. I forgot how dodgy he was and thought he’d be different. I ended up feeling like I did a couple years ago when he’d be a hit or miss: anxious, needy and full of low self-esteem.
coloro
I may get shot down in flames for this, and it does go against a lot of what this blog is about, and even my own advice but … maybe let the men do more of the wooing? Let them ask you out, plan where you go, make the follow up call. You just carry on with life. If they don’t ask, not your problem, if they don’t call back, no bother. There’s no need to analyse anything, you just respond to their interest. And no kissing with tongues or sex etc until you are comfortable with it. I don’t recommend it as the pattern for the entire relationship but for the first couple of dates I think it’s quite normal.
Did you say you’d been rejected four times this year? At least you got four opportunities. Which is four more than I’ve had. And what do you mean by “reject”? If a man doesn’t call after a few dates I wouldn’t class that as rejection. The EU didn’t reject you, nothing happened. It’s like saying you got rejected for a job when you didn’t even send in your cv. I don’t think that there’s enough time to be rejected four times in eight months! You’re either overinvesting too soon or getting physical too soon – I think. Not every flirtation, compliment or drink at the bar will go anywhere. Sometimes it’s just people socialising.
If you have an anxiety order (which near drove me mad) that can be treated. I can cope with all manner of sadness, grief, loneliness and even humiliation but if I ever get a whisper of depression or anxiety again I’m getting help pronto!
grace,
Yes, in the past I went too fast. That is precisely why I slowed down this time outwardly, though mentally I went off the deep end for a bit. He reached out to me for whatever reason, and like tossing a ball back and forth, I tossed it back to him each time he tossed it to me. Instead of racing after him (like I did when we had our “thing” two years ago), I let him come toward me. It appears he is still just as unavailable as he was back then. Only I am not chasing him this time. I tossed the ball back to him when he asked when was a good time to call, and he let the ball bounce away. He never called. That is my metaphor for it anyway. It feels like rejection considering I wanted a relationship with him back then. Anyway, the short of it is I had a brief hope he had changed and was coming for me. When he wasn’t. Back into the dust he went.
coloro
i see no rejection. if anything, you rejected him! he was probably waiting for you to chase after him like you’ve done before. if someone doesn’t live up to our perfectly reasonable expectations, it doesn’t mean they reject us. they’re just being who they are, they can’t be anything else. it would an over-reaction to take it personally.
you had a wobbly moment, but pulled yourself together. No harm done and a lesson learned. Onwards!
PS I don’t think he’s the guy for you, too flaky. He’s had enough chances, don’t get amnesia!
Colororange, Natasha, Fearless, runnergirl, and grace have all offered some wonderful and helpful spot on insights and feedback. Just wanted to offer you some support and hugs, having recently struggled with this myself.
QUESTION:
is he still an EU even though:
1. He doesn’t say “i DONT want to be in a relationship” but actually says the complete opposite?
2. its only been about 2months and i do get either a text or a few a day or a phone call (mainly a text).
3. We meet up at least twice a week (at his request. Although im afraid to “ask” to see him more because i dont want to rush things or seem too “needy”.
4. he bought me flowers the first two times we saw eachother but hasn’t since then. He went away with this son to Hawaii and I got back a box of cookies?? (im not materialistic, but i questioned it because he says he’s falling in love with me and yada yada and when i got the box of cookies I was like: HUH? didn’t seem to have put too much thought into it or didn’t seem to “match” up with what he professes to be his feelings for me.
The red flags that i see or are mainly what bother me are:
– he won’t say i miss you or be too verbally affectionate unless I initiate it. So if i say: I miss you, he will say: I miss you too. But hardly the other way around.
-I sometimes feel that he is afraid of being hurt/rejected and therefore waits for me to initiate a little more? Or is he “lazy” and wants me to put in all the effort and I am just making excuses/justfying?
What i have done right now is, to just let go and see what happens. I wont give in more than he gives or initiate etc. I know it sounds childish but for example, if he sends a text and it has a smiley face or kiss on it I will do the same (not always but most of the time) if he just says “goodmorning” or something and no smiley no “extra” anything, then thats how I answer back. If he calls or texts for us to go out than I will most of the time accept but i wont “ask” him to meet up (although sometimes i want to) But how long am i supposed to do this for if I sometimes “feel” like i want to “give” or “ask” for more but am afraid of what everyone talks about here and it not being recipracated? I want to see what he has to offer and isn’t it best for “me” that i not put too much into it too soon until I see or feel that he is in this and is more serious about me?
I do feel anxious most of the time wondering if he will call or text but im not sure if thats me and my anxiety about me wanting it to work and not being patient, or if this stems from how “he” makes me feel?
This whole situation sounds worrisome. The planning–on how you won’t pursue, you’ll let him pursue you; on how you’ll act calm, even though you obviously feel anything but–has me worried for you. This is what all Fallback Girls do at one time or another when the EUM comes back. We’ll be casual, we will call less, we won’t call at all, we’ll be sometimes available to meet but not all the time. It’s just so much to care about when this guy may (is most likely) not even be worth it at all. I just see my (mostly past) self in this post so much that I want to stop you from going any further in this.
Confused
Only definite amber flag I see here is 3.
There’s so much gamplaying on your side (I recognise it because I’ve done it) that I’m …. confused. A lot of fine men are just crap at presents, I’m afraid, so it doesn’t prove much. And whether he puts a smiley on a text is irrelevant.
Why don’t you think of something he would like, then ask him. If he comes back with “I’m too busy blah blah blah”, your amber flag starts turning red. If he says “great, I’ll come pick you up”, then it’s turning green.
Confused,
It sounds like you are WAY overthinking this. You said yourself it’s only been 2 months and you’re upset because he thought to *only* bring you cookies back from Hawaii? First of all, he has a kid so that adds an additional “take it slow” mentality to a lot of people. Has he actually done something and treated or talked to you in a way that’s made you uncomfortable? That’s what you need to be paying attention to. If you’re just worried that he’s not moving fast enough for you, then have a conversation with him. If you want to know where his head is at in terms of you two, ask him! Don’t just overanalyze and see red flags everywhere because you’ve been reading this blog. Not everyone is an EUM in hiding!
Confused, if you leave all the asking to see you up to him (as I did with the ex EUM) it’ll soon dawn on you that this suits him just fine. If you want to know what’s he’s got to offer you, start asking for a few things and see if he comes up with the goods – like suggest something you’d like to do and when you’d like to do it. The cookie story remind me of the sort of thing my ex EUM would do all the time. He went to America once for six weeks to work there and brought me back a box of water taffy toffee things but by the time he got home (we live in same city) I was in a real bad mood with him cos he’d stopped emailing me from the States… so he sent the toffees to me in the post – the “local” post! (so he went all the way to America, brought me back sweeties and sent them to me from the the city we both live in a week after he got back!) I stuufed that one in my amnesia box! So yes, the cookie thing would make me suspicious. I have some notion that these less than impressive gifts are part of the management of our expectations – he wants to be the ‘good’ guy – he bought you a gift and it would be too rude to grumble about it – but the gift speaks volumes and they know it does.
Great post as usual! Been reading for about 2 months now since going no contact with an EUM. One of his best friends happens to be the husband of one of mine which has been tough but thankfully they don’t mention him much to me. We actually got together on their wedding cruise with no promise of anything after (it would have been long distant and I was not interested in that). Then he moved to the same town a few months later. We chatted just about every day during those months. When he came home, he came to my birthday party and we went camping that weekend with the couple we’re both friends with. I was so surprised when a few days later he said he was attracted to me but didn’t think it would be a long term thing. I said bull**** and told him not to contact me again unless he grows up. His friend actually warned me that this guy was f-ed up when it came to relationships and has pulled this friend/gf crap before. Thank you so much for all these columns! They’ve helped me stay strong. I had never actually felt as strongly about anyone as I did about him so its been really hard but its gotten so much better.
I’m about three months out of a relationship that I would describe as a complete joke. I have to say I was entirely guilty of the whole denying, rationalizing, minimizing thing … when I started going out with the guy I felt that he was so ‘romantic’ by Fast Forwarding me (I love you’s and ‘you’re the One’ within a fortnight), I felt flattered by his intensity despite my concerns. That is how I got hooked in. I ignored so much crappy behavior because I wanted the relationship and what he was offering me so much, there really wasn’t any sacrifice I was unwilling to make . Every incident I blocked out like it didn’t happen. I paid for this dearly.
I ended up becoming severely depressed and sickly … anxiety attacks, insomnia … I lost interest in all of my previously enjoyed activities … everything that made me ‘me’ had vanished almost entirely by the end. In hindsight, I think this was my body and mind’s way of telling me to cut it out. I knew something wasn’t right about the relationship but I refused to address it. My relationship amnesia was making me sick.
He was disrespectful, rude, controlling, so selfish, lazy and entirely unreliable. I wasn’t in love with him but a fantasy romantic character that I had created in my head.
I would advise anyone not to submit to relationship amnesia. Denying, rationalizing and minimizing the reality of a situation can make you ill. You have to face the reality of what someone’s actions mean even if they are telling you that they love you. Anyone can say ‘I love you’.
Emma,
I can relate to what you are saying. Even though I lived everyday in denial of the fact that my partner who said he loved me was EU and denying that one day the other shoe was going to drop, my body knew better: Every night I slept over his place I couldn’t sleep for more than a few hours, and at the very end I began to have heart palpations. For a 36 year old who has always been healthy with no heart disease my family, even my doctor was puzzled. She asked if I was under any stress: “I don’t think so, everything is fine!” I chirped. This was only a week or two before he suddenly broke up with me, after acting like everything was fine, until the last 20 minutes.
Although I was going through a lot after our break-up, crying, not really eating, ect … the heart palpitations disappeared immediately- which considering the pain, you would think the opposite would have been the case.
Amazing no? I’m not blaming him, but it’s almost as if every fiber in my body was saying to me “You are not loved or safe here – abort, abort!!!.”
Jas
Emma, Jasmine,
Oh this bring back memories.
Many moons ago I was with this guy whose selfish and controlling side came out to the fore when we became “serious”. He was like that a little before but I believed my love would make him softer. If I was there for him, he was an angel but when I needed something I was on my own. His father was like that and his mother had made him the center of her world to compensate. His sister told me their mother was a saint (she had died few years back) and he was still a mummy-boy. We had amazing sexual chemistry, that kind of jared my thinking. Every time I approached the subject of his selfishness, he went into a sulk.
I started having crippling panic attacks, something I never had before, I started to sleep with the light on. I put it down to work. I went to Italy for work and I had the most terrible panic attack in my hotel, I had to sleep with the window open in the middle of december because I thought I was dying, buried alive in a coffin. I tried to call him but his phone was off, hello alarm bells.
I went to see an acupuncturist straight away, 3 days later I felt under the weather (a session can do that, Chi moving and all that), but no panic attack. My boyfriend made fun of me, “ you and your funny doctors”, 2 days later in a restaurant I heard myself say to him, out of the blue “ this is not working out, it’s all about you and it’s time for me to move on” . He asked me if I was having my period, me breaking up did not register with him at first. He stonewalled me and said to his family and friends that he broke up with me because I was too needy. He had a “close friendship” with this girl who moved in with him quickly after we broke up, apparently being a cross between his mother and a surrendered wife . Few months later he texted me, saying he was missing me and we should meet. I did not respond. He has a new fallback girl apparently.
When you head is in self-deceiving mode, your body tells you the truth in its on way, allergies, skin rashes, panic attacks, “ pains in the neck”, never ending colds, heart palpitations. It’s sometimes difficult to listen, because as women our upbringing involves many fairy-tales and denying our bodies-truth for “our good”.
Artemisia you are so right. I typically get a cold sore (which I absolutely hate), it starts with a fever that turns into one. The last eum I dated had showed up an hour and a half late to our fifth date with no real excuse as to why. That was on a Friday and the whole weekend I carried a dreaded feeling that I shouldnt see him again but continued to. Then came the feeling of a flu which manifested itself into a cold sore and that is the 3rd time its happened to me. I went the rest of the relationship having amnesia about that date.
And I should probably add, that it has been 3 times that I can remember in the beginning of dating a guy who turned out to be eum or worse that I had a nagging feeling that I should ‘get out’. I ignored it and less than a week after the nagging feeling a cold sore pops out, and every time a fever preceded it. It’s probably been more times than 3 but amnesia has blotted it out.
SM,
I forgot about cold sores ! I am not into New Age stuff but I read a Louise Hay book, where she mentionned that cold sores could be caused by “festering angry words and fear of expressing them” . I had them too, it prevented me from being “close” for 2 weeks.
To you they are your warning system. If you go agaisnt your gut feeling and best interest, your unconscious does the talking by giving you an ugly thing on the corner of your mouth.
I got a good way to deal with EU who show up late without contacting for meetings from the book ” Why men love bitches”. In a public place give it 10 minutes and then leave, at your home don’t answer the door and turn off the phone. It works. And don’t call them asking them why they did not have the courtesy to let you know they were running late.
Very interesting! After we broke up and I was still living with him until I found a new place, I *immediately* got a cold sore! I told him it was one of those Universe signs because it kept us from being able to kiss, which would’ve just complicated and confused things further. This was before I had found out he was already talking to someone new and he was still acting like we were sorta together. Never thought I’d be grateful for a cold sore!
Jasmine
Even after reading so many people’s stories on BR over the past few months, I’m still amazed at how similar our experiences are (please see my comment to Emma below too). Near the end of my relationship, I was booked on a flight from the UK to Argentina to join my partner for the last 2 weeks of his 3-month stay working out there. While he was over there I’d discovered that he was being, at the very least, emotionally unfaithful to me with at least 3 women, including ex-gf’s, and probably more. I normally really enjoy the adventure of travelling, even on my own, but had to literally force myself to endure the 24-hour journey over there. It should have been a wonderful holiday, but it turned out to be the agonising death-throes of our relationship (it started with him not being there to meet me at the airport in southern Argentina and went downhill from there). I lost count of the number of panic attacks I suffered on the way over. Now you might think that the depression, anxiety attacks, insomnia & rapid weight-loss were all solely and understandably down to my shocked discovery of what he was up to during those last 3 months. But here’s the thing – I had actually started getting depressed and having the anxiety attacks several months *before* this, before he’d even booked his own ticket out to Argentina, while things between us were still apparently fine! I was really puzzled by it at the time, but as you say, “it’s almost as if every fiber in my body was saying to me ‘You are not loved or safe here – abort, abort!!!’.” As I said in my comment to Emma, the vivid memory of that painful time is a really extreme way of countering any Relationship Amnesia I might otherwise have had…. He will never ever get the chance to press the Reset Button with me, that’s for sure.
I hope you’re now a long way down the road to health and happiness, Jas – sending lots of good wishes to you.
Thank you Radiogirl, I wish the same for you as well.
Emma,
What you have written above about the course of your relationship and the effect it had on your body could so very easily have been written by me, absolutely word for word! My relationship ended officially at the end of Feb, though in effect it was dead 3 months before that but I was in total denial and still thinking of him as the attentive and lovely person he had seemed to be in the early stages. I too had the depression, anxiety attacks, insomnia, and also couldn’t eat so I lost a stone in weight very rapidly and unhealthily. I cut contact with my ex completely just over 3 months ago (he tried to do the “let’s be friends” thing for a while but then I realised it was just prolonging the agony and stopping me from getting over him). Now, if I ever start to get nostalgic for the “fantasy romantic character” that I (with his Fast Forwarding/Future Faking encouragement) created in the first few heady months, I can snap out of the Relationship Amnesia with a jolt simply by remembering what a sad, shrunken, hollow-eyed wreck I had become by the end of it all. Stronger than any relationship amnesia I might briefly suffer from these days, is my stark memory of the shocked faces of my family, friends, colleagues – and even my ex himself – on first seeing the pale and empty shell that was me during that horrible time. I’m now healthy again and back to a normal weight, and making slow but steady progress rediscovering all the things that make me ‘me’, and I really hope that you too are now fully recovered physically and well on your way to healing emotionally, Emma – sending all my very best wishes to you.
See what I am wondering and struggling with is: how to do you understand and get to grasps with the reality that the person who gazed into your eyes lovingly might not be real even with evidence pointing to that very fact (their actions point to the fact that they do not love you). Even though I’m away from that relationship a while I still find myself drifting back to that ‘fantasy romantic character’. I guess I just find it so hard to believe that someone faked that so well. It’s just something my mind finds difficult to process … how can one person pretend to be something so well if they aren”t or don’t have it in them at least to be that person. I’d appreciate some feedback on this as it is something that continues to baffles me … and how to you rid this illusion hence eliminate the relationship amnesia.
Emma,
Sometimes the “fantasy romantic character” is the safe option for us because we are fearful of a real relationship – maybe we were too hurt in the past and don’t want the pain of a real rejection again so we hook up with people who short change us and give us what we think we deserve – nothing and fake feelings ( much safer fake feelings and disillusion and comfortable ). It took a series of EU to understand I was replaying my parents relationship over and over again, hoping for a different outcome – the definition of insanity.
https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/do-you-want-to-be-with-an-emotionally-available-person-be-emotionally-available-yourself/
Emma,
I think that the “fantasy romantic character” is a quick fix to our unmet needs. What the character seemed to offer me was a relationship with honesty, respect, stability, happiness, acceptance, and love. These are all wonderful things but they take time to develop….it takes so long to get to know who somebody really is, especially when times are tough.
I think the men who can’t offer (unavailable, or don’t know how) these things in an authentic way have learned that sweeping women off their feet with words and grand gestures will get them a lot for very little. It’s especially convincing when they are convinced of it themselves (because they lack emotional maturity and honesty, or have just hit the reset button and are trying to prove to the world they’ve changed), in the heat of the moment, or honeymoon phase of the relationship.
I am now very cautious of men who believe in magical connections, or offer too much too soon.
It might help to think, in my most deliriously happy moment when I believed and trusted the illusion, what did I think he had to offer in a relationship? And then look at what he actually did bring to the table.
When I did that, I realized my fantasy romantic character brought none of those things to the relationship, and it only survived as long as it did because I was providing them, into a vacuum.
I think that once you have more time away from the relationship and your understanding of who he really was solidifies, you’ll be able to come to terms with the dissonance between his words and his actions…and understand that it WASN’T YOU that caused him to blow hot then cold, that is just who he is.
Jas
Yes, I concur…read the small print too…
Emma
Yes relationship amnesia can make you sick!! I have lost so many nights of sleep, overeaten because im depressed, drank myself silly and paid for it dearly, put on weight from all this behaviour and had to go on strong antidepressants to cope with all the BS i was being fed for 5 years, but thought i knew how to cope with.
its over now but i feel like crap and i have to start all over again feeling the way i do. I dont really know who i am anymore cos my self-esteem is shot (dont know if i ever had any really) and i have to start living my own life that feels empty and dull. I was addicted to the drama of it all. Now i just want some peace and serenity.
Keep falling off the NC wagon so im opting for the Get Out Plan which makes it a little easier for me and so far its working well. Nats blogs are a life saver!!
I keep falling off myself and it is so frustrating. I can’t seem to make the final break even though reading some of these physical symptoms have me thinking I am feeling things too. A weird state of anxiety and dread. He has done nothing wrong yet and my body is reacting. Too much water under the bridge….I am truly starting to believe my relationship is irreparable. I can’t keep moving forward when this feeling is throughout my body. Keep reading this blog and it really does help you to move forward and get off the relationship crack.
I think relationship amnesia can also apply to unhealthy family dynamics, especially if everyone avoids really fighting over the true issues. In fact, growing up parents might tell us to “just get over it,” or “that it doesn’t really hurt your feelings that much, does it?” and, knowing nothing else, we can literally take that to heart, even to the point of believing that our family is OK and has no problems when we’re fighting and arguing all the time!
You all are so right about relationship amnesia applying to family members as well, and about how your body tells you what’s really going on. When I was in college, I stayed at my parents’ home during school breaks — and I always had asthma attacks there, some so serious that I had to be taken to the hospital emergency room. NEVER did I have an asthma attack when I was at the college, living in the dormitory. Never! After I graduated, got a job, and was living in my own apartment — I did not have any symptoms of asthma again.
My doctor thought that my asthma symptoms might have been caused by some kind of allergy. I think I was allergic to my family. Looking back, I did not like the way they treated me, and yet I did not have the confidence at 18 or 19 to just break with them. All I could do then was tell myself that everything was okay….yet, emotionally, I felt smothered, suffocated — and my body responded by struggling to breathe.
Your body just knows.
Hi Natalie,
amnesia and delusion pretty much sum it up. I’m approaching the one year anniversary of my suck-it-and-see relapse… Here’s how I see it a year after the fact. I wanted to have enough control to end it myself and did so. But as soon as I did I got it into my head to make him admit he lost someone special by inviting him back. I waited for an excuse to try to wrangle a commitment of sorts out of him that he would call me every day again. He haggled it down to ‘regularly’. I sensed I was being delusional in hoping this was a passionate reunion: of course neither he nor the nature of his feelings for me had been transformed. I let him break his own word and dwindle down to once in a while and eventually disappear. I never initiated contact again and we are completely out of touch.
The whole episode only took a few weeks, but I was furious for months, no, the better part of this year! A bad case of desperation numbed with an overdose of pride. I knew what a poor way this was to be spending my time. It’s been very much like breaking an addiction ever since. I am in rehab, much calmer now… Looking back, the only way to let go is by refocusing on how to improve myself and my life, exactly as you’ve said it all along, Natalie. Being mindful of thoughts and feelings. First choosing to accept that I myself had invited upheaval and dysfunction into my life and I alone am responsible for it. Then, seeing as well that I alone am capable of fixing it. Then mastering it in daily practice.
So here I am, a work in progress. I still catch myself imagining he’s changed! Amusing but mostly harmless now… Every time I do catch myself from drifting off into the fantasy, I grow slightly more sane, and then next time I’ll catch myself a split second faster still. The way we handle ourselves is almost entirely habitual and only a little bit about insight. I’m good at theory, but slow to really thoroughly adopt new habits. Slow progress is real progress though!
cavewoman,
I loved your comments above, which sum up very eloquently where I too am at now in dealing with the relationship fallout and aftermath. It’s frustrating sometimes to realise how much time it takes, but I do believe that we just have to be gentle and patient with ourselves and let it take as long as it takes to get over the addiction and madness of it all. It doesn’t feel to me like a process that can or should be hurried if we are to do it properly and not go through all that terrible pain ever again.
“Being mindful of thoughts and feelings. First choosing to accept that I myself had invited upheaval and dysfunction into my life and I alone am responsible for it. Then, seeing as well that I alone am capable of fixing it. Then mastering it in daily practice”. Beautifully said. Sending you many good thoughts and lots of encouragement.
I think relationship amnesia happens within the family as well! Growing up, I was always taught to “get a move on” when my feelings were hurt and that no matter how many times I was yelled at by my parents, they still “loved me.” What my family failed to teach me was that one, my feelings were hurt and two, yelling is pretty mean (and traumatizing to a young child!). Me not knowing much else as a kid then, I held on to those two as fact and actually came to believe that it didn’t hurt as much as it did. I even brought these beliefs to my relationships – maybe if I change, things will get better. Maybe if I tell myself, “Well, he still loves me!” everything will be OK. As an adult, what you have to realize is, people can potentially hurt you, whether intentionally or not, and it’s up to you to set boundaries in how they treat you. This way, you will hopefully acknowledge, for ex., that you had hurt feelings, but at the same time, not brood about how badly you were treated for days, even weeks, on end.
@Robin, so true! When I was a child, I was ignored or criticized when my feelings were hurt. Low self esteem is always developed in childhood when the individual is developing initial view how he/she fits in the world. Now, in my early 30s I finally trying to overcome my low self esteem symptoms ( chaotic relationships, poor boundaries etc)
In particularly unhealthy and dangerous relationships, it may be that something bad happens (a ‘trauma’) and to cope with continuing to be with them, you block out anything that pierces that denial bubble.
….that would be me over and over, I should have been the best pro football player ever… BLOCKING! I cry and I hurt, and I asked myself haven’t you had enough? ….don’t you remember when? ….oh yeah, I forgot… now I remember….
He invited me to his place for steak and shrimp. …er, the other thing too? I knew full well what the score was and had been for fifteen years. Girl, have you got your gut full enough yet? Long story short goes I went, it was just as I knew. played out the same. This time a ending tho’…
Just before I left I was quite frustrated of course, as always, and I said, “I made a mistake”, then left. Normally the amnesia would set in until the next time. Well, I don’t want anymore amnesia or anymore next times.
He texted early the next morning and asked what I meant when I said I made a mistake. Something very new and different for him to ask me the morning after. I replied, “Best way I know how to say it… I overestimated my abilty to cope with any type of relationship or friendship”. Something I borrowed from another blog and reader for my own application.
That was a week ago, in retrospect, and coincidentally 911. Yes, call an ambulance, it’s fatal! Stick me with a fork, I am done! Read the warnings, they are there for very good reasons!
…in being honest with yourself and feeling all of your feelings, you don’t keep putting your hand in the fire and expecting it not to burn, wondering if you’re going crazy, or shutting out the past so you can have a few minutes of pleasure.
Ladies and including myself, NC is the only way! NONE!
….none means, N=not O=once N=not E=ever! Nada, no way, no how, or any other version of… It cannot be ever again, amnesia can be recurring and fatal. Natalies’ blogs and posts are good, sound advice and examples for everyday living, and should be applied to every situation and in every relationship. They are very basic, healthy, respectful, and loving ways for us to live our lives. I don’t want to beat myself up, but I will. I don’t want more of the same, so I won’t, it’s time to stop denying myself of, MY BASIC RESPONSIBILITY TO MY:
“Personal Bill of Rights”
1…
This amnesia post may have affected me more than I first thought (and the previous post; it was also a stormer). These past few days I have felt so angry about it all (the ex EUM relationship). I’ve been irrationally short-tempered with irritating things like needlessly waiting fifteen minutes in a queue today while the counter staff footer around filling the cigarette shelf and don’t open the other till to take my money off me (arrghh!). I think it’s cos all that stuff in my amnesia box is spilling out all over my brain – I find myself feeling infuriated, particularly today. Yesterday I did some retail therapy, buying things I can’t afford, to try to feel “normal”.
Maybe I’ve spent a long time shouting at myself over all that denial, avoidance and amnesia; I’ve given myself such a beating over it – I get what I did wrong now! I get it. And now I feel this horrible need to shout at him too – to let rip at him in the same way I’ve done with myself; to give him both barrels. (I can sum it up with the thought of “how dare he just have nothing to say about any of this. Ten years later and he has nothing to say. Not anything at all. While my head runs riot) And it’s the utter futility of those emotions that I find the most exasperating; no, it’s worse than exasperating – I don’t know what the word is right now but it’s “exasperating x 100”.
I think it’s the notion of him just skipping along like the rebel without a clue – business as usual; nothing to regret, nothing to fix, nothing to reflect upon. Nothing. He’s still Mr Decent Bloke as far as he’s concerned and I’m Ms fu*ked-up; while I’m fighting a battle to stay sane and just keep going (cos one day the battle will be over? Right?). It’s making me mad. Today anyway. Tomorrow I might feel just fine again. Maybe it’s the not knowing how I’m going to feel from one day to the next – that I can count on nothing, that bothers me.
How much longer before “normal” is my daily default position, I wonder. I actually think I have forgotten what “normal” is; I don’t know how to feel normal, not as a given; I just have periods of what I might call “respite”; periods of calm; of hope even, periods of thanksgiving for having stopped flogging the three legged donkey; and then I find the three legged donkey is flogging me. I guess I deserve it. We reap what we sow, and all that
Hey there Fearless, I hear you sister. I’d like to send some hugs your way today. It is exasperating X 100 and infuriating when we can’t use the amnesia avoidance technique to get it to just stop. It seems like relationship amnesia comes in handy when we are trying to stay in a relationship long past it’s sell date but it doesn’t work when we finally come to our senses. Maybe that’s why it won’t work: we’ve come to our senses finally. The thought of these EUM’s merrily continuing to skip along their about their EU lives without a care in the world makes me want to scream too. But
I don’t want to continue to be unavailable myself which is why we are left picking up the pieces and reflecting while they trundle on (to borrow your phrase).
This grief process takes a while I guess and it is cyclical as folks have said. If I go two or three days without flipping into anger mode, I think I may be done with that phase and then it rears its ugly head again. Ride it through and be gentle with yourself. I think it is normal and burying it won’t work. As I said in another post, burying it is like trying to hold a beachball underwater. When it comes up, it is time to deal with it and better now than after another five years, right? At some point, we’ll put that three-legged donkey out to pasture where it and us can get some peace. Until then, it is one day at a time. Sending you hugs and my best.
Thanks runner. I’ve read some of Nat’s ‘related posts’ and I think I am just having trouble ‘getting out of stuck’ at this ‘anger’ stage, as you mentioned – I feel like I keep bouncing off a wall and I can’t get my whole self through it all at the same time.
I have no intention of contacting him to ‘let rip’ but I keep having the row with myself! And I am not so sure that I have really stopped ‘bargaining’ with myself (I think this behaviour of mine is so entrenched; the bargaining; it’s like second nature). That’s part of my trouble – when I even toy with the idea of ‘bargaining’ I start having the internal row about it! I realise there is nothing to bargain with or bargain for and it makes me feel so impotent and frustrated by the gut wrenching futility of it all.
My final thought yesterday was, ‘Fearless, you know that you could never be with a man who has hurt you this badly, so unremittingly, for so long and not secretly (or even openly) hate him for it’. You already know that. And he doesn’t want you anyway – or you wouldn’t even be in this hole, so it’s a double whammy, so in the name of God, fearless, just swallow it and let it go – just stop now’.
Of course this post of Nat’s has made it even more impossible to focus on the “gestures”, which is good, but that amnesia spillage actually comes at me in my sleep! I woke the other night, restless and discomfited by an image, a feeling; it brought to mind the Japanese Tsunami – a heaving mass of formless sludge and garbage rolling around in my consciousness threatening to overtake it.
I think when I was “with” him, I was making a big issue out of *nothing* (he wasn’t) – and I’m still doing it!
Thing that hangs on me too, is that I have a pile of research work he gave me to do (he paid me quite a lot of money, so good of him to ensure I had opportunities to make some badly needed extra cash!) and I haven’t done the work. I just can’t face it. The folders of work to be done have been sitting in a box in my bedroom – depressing me – since March or April. He hasn’t asked me for it. But I feel I should either do it and send it to his office or pay him back the money. So that is hanging on me too, like an unclosed door. Like unfinished business. And, maybe foolishly, I feel that having not done work that I was paid to do I have let him down!
Hi Fearless and everyone,
Natalie has a new edition of Mr. U and the FBG coming out. It is amazing and explains why she’s been on fire lately. She takes these recent posts and ties them together with incredibly clarity and context. If you think these recent posts have struck home, the new edition will be stunning. After reading only 152 pages, I am no longer struggling with NC. I don’t even have to tape my twitchy fingers together. This is her best work.
Fearless, I’m totally with you trying to get out of stuck of the anger stage. I know you know contacting him would be a complete waste of time. It does, however, feel better to say how you’d like to flog that donkey again even if you don’t ever intend to. Jesus H. Christ, once there is clarity regarding how much time we’ve spent banging on that back door and burying their shody behavior through relationship amnesia, it’s a stormer. Natalie’s new edition has an amazing section on fear. I can’t articulate it yet but it may apply to what you may be feeling. No pun intended Fearless but it may be just a coincidence.
If I don’t want to deal with something, I can usually think my way around it rather than feeling it. I want to bargain my way out of this one big time rather than feel it. There may be nothing left to think about or bargain with. Finally, it may be time to feel the loss and the sludge of the tsunami of emotions. I’ve been having tsunami dreams and waking up too. My father and all three ex husbands leaving me and my mother and four kids. Talk about sludge coming up.
Regarding the work you’ve been paid to do: Maybe you could apply some of Nat’s articles about when the EUM/AC owes money. Maybe your ex-AC needs to just write it off as the cost of doing business and being a jackass. How important can it be if its been 6 months and he hasn’t asked about it? YOU have NOT let him down. He’s been a jackass. He can write it off. How much did you put in over the last ten years? Maybe he owes you a fat check?
As soon as Nat’s new edition is available, I’d highly recommend it, it is her best ever. It has me stunned (more than five years of therapy) and finally coming to grips with my past.
@ runner: sounds like you’re hitting some core stuff – I always get excited when I feel something really raw and new because then I know I’m feeling stuff that was numb before. Hey, how come you’ve seen this book already – gallies? Have you secretly decided to become Nat’s new US publisher? 🙂
@fearless and all: I totally hear you with the anger thing. I passed the one-year anniversary mark of having broken up and I think I *still* hoped for a call that I could ignore. Also went to a party where I likely missed running into his crowd by about a half hour; I realized afterwards how much time and energy I had put into the idea that I might run into him. So angry at ME, now, in a way.
But it’s as you and runner say. So much other shit to be angry about is still swirling about in my stream of consciousness. I want a clear stream!!
I went to a social event last night and one of the women there brought up an embarrassment to me that I’d forgotten. I thought it was kind of not nice, but figured whatever. When at the end of the evening, she congratulated me, and when I asked for what, she basically said for not embarrassing yourself as before, I felt the sting of the bitchiness.
Now I have spent a lot of journalling – a couple hours at least – trying to figure out why, and then being like whatever, then still being like, but why? If only one bitchy woman on one evening can have me doubting myself and analyzing the whole interaction for this long, no wonder a long relationship with an AC leaves me pondering and stewing and rebutting in my head for a very long time!
It shouldn’t be a year, though. I’m going to try to use this situation with the bitchy woman to practice not “understanding” her behaviour, but just letting it be that she obviously has something against me and not bothering to wonder too much about it. I have to keep “dropping” the thought when it comes up, but really, unless I want every random snarky comment to send me into three hours of analysis, I have to figure out some way to fight my urge to “fix” or “understand” the fact that she doesn’t like me.
This is NOT the same as forgetting about it. I’m not going to do that. In fact, if I went up to her and played all nice, like was my impulse to do this evening at another event, THAT would have been a wrong-headed amnesia.
Hey Fearless and Runner,
I had the whole ‘three days good, one day awful’ cycle a lot when i was getting over my ephiphany EUM. I realised that these angry thoughts about the EUM, unhappy thoughts about parents, work, friends, any instance of me not adhering to boundaries – they kept coming up again and again. There is a reason for this: so that you can process them with your ‘available’ head on. The unavailable, unhealthy way to deal with things is to ingore, repress, distract yourself from. The healthy way is to look at the issue, really look at it, and then form an opionion about it and make a decision. For example – when i thought about how my folks used to be so caught up in their own stuff and would neglect me, i looked at it, by thinking of an incident. i formed an opionion: ‘it was wrong of them to do that’, and then i made a decision: ‘this was not my fault, it was their shortcomings that led them to do this, i am not going to feel bad about it and make it about me anymore’. This applied to the EUM: what he did was wrong, he is lacking as a person and i am not going to blame myself for things not working out, nor am i going to make his actions about me or feel responsible to him – either by worrying that he’s suddenly become perfect, or by feeling the need to tell him about himself.
I don’t know if this will help you, but it really made me disassociate myself from him and made him very unattractive to me. It helped me reach the ‘i don’t give two hoots what he’s doing – he’s clearly a dumbarse’ stage.
Finally – they don’t get off scot free. They have to live the same old limited existence for the rest of their lives. They aren’t getting the second chance that we are. They will never interact with anyone healthily, or have a truly fulfilling relationship, unless they choose to change (unlikely). Poor sods.
@Magnolia: I know how difficult this is, but the good news is that this sad bitch has ABSOLUTELY NO POWER OVER YOU. None at all!
I could even imagine that she is quite a bit “below” you (in looks, talents, accomplishments or whatever).This might make you even angrier about why she “can” threat you like this.
Well, she can try… but you don’t need to let her do this to you. Just walk away. You are not a child and she is not your parent or an abusive aunt or a school bully (from whom we couldn’t escape either).
There is a colleague of mine who always rubs it in that I’m single (of course, he has a GF plus a harem of single women to which I don’t want to be added!). According to him, me getting a BF would solve every single problem I have in the world, even the ones that are purely work-related (never mind that I’m already taking steps to solve my problems on my own!).
Makes me p*ssed every time, and I wonder: Why can’t I make him see he is wrong? Or maybe he is right? Maybe I’m worthless because all guys I date either turn out to be abusers or vanish after a few weeks?
But why do I bother? Frankly, I think this guy is a stupid poser. Yeah, he does quite well at his job, but so do I, even if I brag far less about it as he does. Plus, he is UGLY.
I think I’m getting better, starting to ignore him whenever I can and talk to him only if I benefit from it in any way for my job. This feels so good. Why didn’t I know this before?
Runner. Thank you so much for your unwavering support (consider yourself sent a big bunch of flowers!). Yes, I have had ‘amnesia’ about the research work I’ve been paid to do -I have so many other priorities and I literally can’t face doing that work (aarggh!) for him when I am supposed to be done with all of this. Before it would have been an interesting and pleasurable task that we’d have talked about, enjoyed, and he’d have helped me with it, but now it’s a horrible chore hanging over me – and it’s all about him! He said he’d be wanting to tie things with this project up by end of September… oh dear! Your advice is good. Yes, I do deserve a big fat cheque (it’s spent long ago! On bills.). It came from his research funding though, that bothers me – and he used to moan about paying a particular male colleague to do work that he didn’t complete (now he’ll be thinking same about me be me!). I’m being utterly ambivalent (EU trait?!) about it – like to hold up my end of a bargain and I know I’ll always feel ‘guilty’ if I don’t do it (like it’s one thing to be a shit in a relationship, but another to be a ‘professional let down’!) On the other hand I also agree with exactly what you’ve said.
I’m being idiotic. I’m also off topic (forgive my selfish indulgence)… I have no-one else to vent to about this – and it has been annoying me. Fearless, just DECIDE! (I’m going to read those posts on owing the ex)
Hi Magnolia,
I guess excited is one way to describe finally acknowleding some core issues and off-loading some anger baggage. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to feel my anger. Through partially reading Natalie’s new book and BR for 9 months, the anger just came up and I can’t keep it submerged anymore. So far, the world hasn’t ended as near as I can tell. You’ll all let me know if my anger ends the world, right?
Regarding your encounter: “When at the end of the evening, she congratulated me, and when I asked for what, she basically said for not embarrassing yourself as before, I felt the sting of the bitchiness.” What did you “forget”? Was it embarrassing? You don’t need to answer, if it was, so what. You aren’t that woman anymore. God knows I’ve placed myself in the most embarrassing, humilating circumstances. No more analysis for me. What was, was.
Remember I’m in anger mode and I have a pretty smart, snarky mouth which has gotten me in trouble, so ignore this if it doesn’t fit: I may have responded, “thank you, I’m glad I’m not embarrasing myself anymore either; too bad you still are”! Maybe I would have only said the first part and thought the second part in the bubble above my head.
Hi Fearless, Magnolia, Runner, Minky, EllyB – wow it’s good to ‘see’ you all – Magnolia I laughed at this: “I *still* hoped for a call that I could ignore” and this: “I realized afterwards how much time and energy I had put into the idea that I might run into him” Yes, yes, absolutely, it’s funny that I still do these too, also a year later! It’s a habit that dies hard. Silly habit, and relatively harmless, because I know from running into him before that nothing will ever change anything. I won’t break NC until it’s so over there’s no NC to break, just regular life.
These mental acrobatics are basically about passing time, distracting myself with trifles, killing boredom. The only way not to get sucked into self-generated drama over “I’m still not over it?” “There I go with my validation seeking again!” etc. is to drop it and do something productive, pleasant, relaxing, engaging, worthwhile, comforting, challenging, mindless, take your pick – reconnect with real friends, positive, caring, and inspired people – just do something else. I even stopped frequenting BR because I noticed I was using that as an opportunity to stay locked in that cycle of regret-anger-denial-shame-grief, none of which is pleasant…. Ultimately, feeling better does not come from anything associated with these memories and experiences. Let it go, and fear not, letting go is not the same as amnesia. Letting go is only remembering something if the situation requires it; amnesia is not remembering it even when the situation demands it!
You won’t feel better until you’ve immersed yourselves in wholesome stuff that has nothing to do with him, his wake, or his absence. Because feeling good IS saying yes to wholesome stuff, while saying No to EUM is still thinking about EUM and therefore still not feeling better.
What am I doing here then you may ask? Just saying hello and hoping you all are fine! Be well, live well (stay in touch)!!!
P.S. Fearless, why not send the folders back with No Comment (NC, right?) who cares if he has the nerve to ask for the money back, you’ll cross that bridge when you come to it. Stop trying to be so darned honorable already! 🙂
Thanks for your offering Cave. I think I just wanted someone else’s take on what to do about the research work stuff (cos sometimes, because of all the crap swirling around my brain, I feel really distrustful of my own mind, like I’m not thinking straight- duh!) and you and runner are two very clever women, so I am hearing you! Thank you. (he would would *never* ask for the money back! Even if I sent it to him; he would send it back. I think he knows he has been a shit!).
Funny what you said about using BR as an excuse to stay stuck. I also stopped reading and posting back around February (I think) because I felt I was using BR like a nicotine patch – a substitute for ‘him’, or the absent ‘him’, as a way to avoid actually moving on. I fell off the NC wagon three month later – amnesia set in pretty quickly! So I came back. But I look forward to the day when I come to BR to say hello and to keep myself on track with doing what’s good for me and not to dig myself out of a deep, dark hole! I feel I am using BR as my nicotine patch again now, but am also afraid to throw the patch away cos I just don’t fully trust myself to avoid the amnesia.
@Cavewoman: You are so right!
Btw, yesterday I (finally) gave away all the stuffed animals I received from various toxic ex-BF during the last decade. Yeah, all those thingies were cute and some of them were probably expensive, but looking at them always gave me a stomach ache. I think I fully realized this only after they were gone. I had no idea how GOOD I would feel afterwards!
Now I have only the few stuffed animals I bought myself. I always felt a little embarassed because I bought stuffed animals for myself – a grown-up woman? Now all of them suddenly look very lovely and benign.
Yeah, I paid for them, but none of them has any “emotional price” attached! I might even add one or two new ones…
There is so much to do!
@ Cavewoman, so good to hear from you. You are such an inspiration. I hope you will keep checking back. It is good to hear that there is life after these experiences. This is so cool: “I won’t break NC until it’s so over there’s no NC to break, just regular life.” I’m getting there. I’m still flogging the 3 legged donkey but it’s becoming tedious and exhausting. It’s starting to be fricking stupid and useless. However, I wouldn’t be at this point without Natalie and all of you. Thank you all. I love your description of doing wholesome, healthy, stuff that has nothing to do with him. For me, BR has become so much more than dealing with him. For me, BR is one aspect of becoming healthy.
@Minky I’ve never gotten a chance to say how much I appreciate your posts regarding what a healthy relationship may look like…thank you. I always read your posts and think that there is hope. You are right, it’s time to move on. We all desreve better.
@Fearless, I’m with Cavewoman regarding the work “he” paid you to do. Only, I’d say wait it out. As you said, he knows he’s been a tosser. You don’t owe him dick. 10 years of putting up with his crap? He owes you a 1,000 page apology. Calculate that at his hourly rate.
Runner:
“10 years of putting up with his crap? He owes you a 1,000 page apology. Calculate that at his hourly rate.”
This made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that. So true. Yes, indeed, he has his own version of ‘amnesia’! I am not doing that research work. I decided last night. Phew. Thanks for helping me get my head on the right way up!
I never choose to watch these kind of “chick flick” cringe movies but just switched channels and I’ve been watching “He’s Just Not That Into You” – guy just said to girl: if he’s acting as if he doesn’t give a shit it’s because he doesn’t give a shit”. I guess it is that simple. He (EUM) never gave a shit.
I want to be in that don’t give a shit place. I want to be a guy! Usually, when I’m doing well with the demise of the EUM “relationship” it is, I think, because I do the amnesia thing – have had years of practice! – all is generally well when I can just bury it way back in the recesses of my brain. Is this the way to go? Maybe we can use this relationship amnesia to our favour when we are needing to just forget the whole damn thing? All I know is when I don’t think about it – refuse to think about it – I am okay, kind of, mostly.
fearless
i’ve read loads of your posts and find them so helpful, you’re really clever and probably too kind hearted, like alot of us reading here. I wonder if your ex was aspergic? Alot of what you’ve said about him seems to ring the autism bell to me. These guys are really tricky to be with, (to say the least!) usually though they don’t cheat, but are so so detached and dont relate at all well.
10 years is a bloody long time to be loving someone who gives little or nothing in return. I hope you soon get some proper fun in your life, i think maybe lots of laughter, fun, and light heartedness can only help. comedy nights, funny videos and films, hanging around with babies and little children (babysitting, visiting friends and family with little ones really helps me)
These EUs try to steal our joy, we have to refill our joy store.
Tasha, Fine Rawan -thanks for your comments. I hear you.
Right On, Thanks. my sister once asked me about him – a long long time ago – ‘do you think he’s somewhere on the autistic spectrum?’ (quite astute of her at the time). I think there is def. something amiss with him and I’m sure he also knows there is – I think it frustrates him that he is so fecking useless, so he avoids that feeling by tuning out and running away – and he is a work-aholic (I could see him sometimes trying to make up for it by being useful in very practical ways) Ultimately it doesn’t matter what’s wrong with him. It’s what’s wrong with me that I need to worry about.
Thanks! (Am conscious of going off topic and I don’t want to make this thread ‘all about me’!)
I’ll go off now and work on myself now!
Right on,
I know there may be mental processing reasons like aspergers for why people are unavailable and unable to give in relationships but I think that’s just making medical excuses for bad behaviour. Most men are just plain normal in their functioning and simply unavailable for what you want, its that simple. There is no medical excuse like there was no medical excuse when the footballer slept with a prostitute whilst his wife was pregnant although she tried tro say he had a disorder yeah right like not being able to keep your penis in your pants is a disease. Poor behaviour is just that let’s not make it into some sort of condition unless you really have a diagnosis.
Umi ,
I wasn’t making excuses for him! And yes it doesn’t matter why they are unavailable, they still are and it really hurts. I was just thinking if someone is aspergic (and there are thousands without diagnosis,like narcissists) then it is even less about us and very much about them.
Right On, I know what you meant. Not an excuse but an observation (and you’re not the first to make it). My EUM was more than smart enough to make himself more than plain to me, had he felt the need.
I saw a tv documentary with a man in it who had asperger’s or something like that. He found emotions quite difficult, and liked things just-so. His girlfriend just had a baby. He said, “”When I looked at my daughter I was amazed. I thought – I have created this person. And it’s not like a machine or robot that only does what I designed it for. She has her own free will and her own life”.
So, you can have limitations and still love someone.
But even if they DO have an unfortunate condition that makes it impossible… they’re still unavailable. It MAY be that someone will suit them, but it’s not us.
Good news, Fearless…you are processing this relationship! And once you complete this, you can let go of it forever.
Everything but the lessons learned.
But you must first feel all of the feelings. And you’re doing it! Good for you!
Hey Fearless – i think the ‘amnesia’ thing, when trying to get over someone is absolutely necessary. You can only process things so much before it becomes obsessing and getting stuck. I think it’s great to have times where you don’t think about him or the relationship and just exist as though it never happened. If i didn’t push all my past relationships to the back of my mind and not think of them sometimes, i wouldn’t get anything done!
Fearless- I understand the anger that you are feeling and the temptation to let him know exactly how you feel. But it is pointless, completely pointless. Which in turn when you think about it makes you even more angry! Because you feel like your opinion should matter to him. Wasted energy.
I’m at the point where I’m angry at my ex, angry that I gave all that emotion, turned completely needy and let him towards the end have all the power. It does make my blood boil if I dwell on it, but I must let it go or it will eat me up while he’s off living his life….just feel sorry for the next ‘victim’ and be thankful that its not you any more.
….just feel sorry for the next ‘victim’ and be thankful that its not you any more.
love that. I feel the same now.
Yeah amnesia was my way to go, I CHOSE to forget because I didn’t want to accept it because I thought that this time he’ll make it up to me.. The funny thing is yo never forget, and after every break up all the things and hurts you tried to have an amnesia about comes up, that’s why I mostly dreaded every breakup so much because I wasn’t ready to do the grief work that I kept procrastinating, after breaking up with him for the final time, all the previous times and pains he put me through came up like an erupting volcano, and I’m healing every single one of them, I don’t want them in me anymore I’ll get rid of them, I’ll heal every single wound that relationship caused me.
After the final breakup I kept getting flashbacks of what happened over a year and half ago and the pain is still there, and the pictures are all clear and vivid, I know exactly how it he made me feel in every single ignore & disappear act but it’s a good thing because I can address it and heal it, I know I’m healing. I’m over 3 months out now & I finally feel at peace and healing.
Trust me, you never really forget, and the longer you deny it, the deeper it gets.
@ Rowan
You sound really brave and strong. How long were you in your relationship? and what happend?
Thanks sag-girl, I dunno if I’m that strong because I’m still healing and get bad days, i’ve been with the guy for 2 years and what happened was that he just disappeared on me for no reason, 1 day he decided to stop replying to me and I had him on my blackberry messenger & I could see all his activities & see when he reads my messages, but no reply, just like that.. For no reason. I just wanted him to TALK to me to tell me what’s up, is he breaking up with me or f there’s soemthing wrong, It was devastating and REALLY hard to take but that was the final nail in the coffin I knew no matter how hard and difficult going through the breakup would be, I HAD to do it, it was not the first time he did such a thing, in the relationship he was normal didn’t treat me bad nor that great but he’d do those disappearing acts whenever he wants to breakup, instead of having a normal conversation like an adult, (and sometimes he’d disappear I’d make him talk to me, he seemed to want out and I talk him into staying, very pathetic now that I think about it)
“Relationship Amnesia is where you seem to suffer partial or total memory loss about about events, feelings, and experiences relating to the true nature of your relationship. ”
I was drawn to this posting because I felt that it applied to me today. I have an ex or should i say a former lover who after 7 months of off and on casual dating, it ended suddenly. I will accept some responsibility because my intentions were not true in the beginning. I presented myself as a women who just wanted a fling and nothing more. I was too afraid to tell him how i really felt. Well things got heavier and more involved but something happend between us and it all just ended. It was so fast. I was the one who ended it but it was because I was hopeless about the future of our relationship. Anyway, It has been since July since the break up. We have never contacted each other since it happend. Somehow i feel like it’s so unfinished because we were fighting when it happend. For some reason i have the urge to call and talk to him. It’s all such a nightmare for me I still cant believe it’s over. He apparently has moved on and I have not. I know i should have more pride but I feel like i just have to get it out of me even if it makes me look foolish. I dont plan on being rude or angry. I just need something to help me let go.
Sag-girl, you don’t need anyone’s permission here to go and make yourself look foolish. I suggest you write him a letter, leave in drawer for a few weeks and see if you want to send it then. Bets you won’t? Contact with him will only confirm what you already know but are trying to ignore cos you don’t like it. The one truth pill is hard enough to swallow, so why go back for a repeat prescription? (that’s what I keep telling myself). Don’t turn one short casual fling into War and Peace or that’s what you’ll get and you’ll like that even less.
Sag
They can’t help you get over it, everyone – whether you were just a one-night stand, casual, dating, living together, married or widowed etc – has to get over it by themselves. That’s just how it is. The ONLY way they can “help” you is by being so horrible that you finally give up. Frankly, I don’t recommend it. it’s very humiliating.
I did it…thanks to Nat & the rest of ya’ll here. I was sitting there unhappy waiting for another big let down to give me an excuse to leave when I realized my being unhappy was already all the excuse I needed. He had me so afraid to bring up anything having to do with our ‘relationship’ but I sucked it up and bravely (and calmly) asked him what he wanted because I needed to know. Staying friends was not working for me because he was getting the same great girlfriend, and I was getting less of the crumbs I was before. It wasn’t even like there was great sex…there was NONE! He used it to reject me over and over to show me that he did not have to want me. And if I really cared about him, I could do without it. Every time he has called the past few times I left, I was hurting so bad (what on earth could hurt worse than being WITH him!) that I went back. I knew this was the last time. It wasn’t even a big production. Just when he didn’t call Fri or Sat night as usual, I didn’t answer my phone on Sun to watch football. So he sent an email saying he doesn’t know why he is the way he is and he is seeking counseling to work on his issues. I pretty much told him good luck with that. I am also working on my own issues so maybe I’ll be ready for some lucky bastard who will think I’m pretty cool (and sexy) someday too. It is a new world out there though. I’m feeling really alone, but trust it all will come if I do the work. I’m only 35 and used to be a LOT of fun. I am still sad, but it’s more of like someone I loved died. My fake love died. I don’t even want to know the guy still walking around out there. I’m proud though. Thanks Nat & Ya’ll for giving me courage to build a great future with what’s left of my dignity, rather than dig deeper into a non-future based on fear. I still hurt quite a bit. But the lights have come on. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Congratulations! 🙂 It won’t be easy, but you’ve made the biggest step – realizing that you have to let him go and move on. You’ll have your ups and downs, but BR is an amazing resource and we’re all here for you!
Congrats to you. But what an AC in capital letters, ‘if you really cared about him you could do without’?. You know what I think, I’ve encountered a few like this, I think they have a disconnect and Can’t have sex so they play with your mind to make you think it is you that has the problem. And unfortunately it is demoralizing because everyone wants to be desired by the person they love. When this happened to me, I thought why do I let this person make me feel ‘unwanted’ and you know what the only way not to feel ‘unwanted’ in this situation is not to be involved with these kinds of people.
Emma, Runner Girl, Fearless and the other lovely ladies,
Wow, as always, I have so much illumination after reading your comments.
And so much of what has been written resonates deeply with me.
I have also been struggling with being sick physically…endless colds, sinus/throat infections, rounds of antibiotics, insomnia, headaches, anxiety attacks, etc…yes, all of this, and while trying my best to take better care of myself (something I really had not been doing before) I also struggle with feelings of anger about “him” just being able to walk away, go on happily with his life while I am left picking myself up off the floor.
And, I know it doesn’t make me sound very evolved, but I WANT him to be miserable, and unhappy and for his marriage not to work out, not because I want him back but because I want him to feel diminished in the way he has made me feel diminished (or rather, I allowed him to make me feel that way, I realize now)…and what Emma wrote here about “How can someone pretend that well” yes, I too, have wondered that. How is it possible that a person is able to do this, SO very well, that the other person (me) starts to believe it too?
The ultimate effect of all this is that: I fear that I will never be able to trust fully and completely in another again. It really does make me wonder. I don’t want to be that bitter, cynical kind of woman that I’m sure all of us have had exposure to in our lives but my question is HOW do I avoid becoming this way? I am starting to realize that, one of the after effects of an experience with an EUM is not just the break up itself, but what follows after wards: all the doubts, all the fears, all the insecurities…that is the worst part, I think, for me, at least.
I would appreciate any helpful advice or thoughts about this.
Thank you to everyone and my very best thoughts to you all!
Hi Lessie,
Your note made me realize how much I, too, fear being “that bitter and cynical woman” – so much, that I have been in denial about it. I AM that woman, and I feel so much better acknowledging that I have been poisoned and toxic with bitterness and resentment most of my life. I’ve been cynical since I was six.
That might sound like a total contradiction, but only acknowledging my bitterness has made me able to give the appropriate attention to all the backed-up resentment that fueled it, and then to believe that it can lift, and it can change. Underneath the bitterness is real hurt, and strong, real beliefs about the way the world works, that won’t just ‘go away’ by my playing nice.
That may not help you, Lessie, to avoid the unpleasantness of recalibrating your trust radar, but if you’re already wise enough to make sure you don’t end up carrying major baggage, you’ll be alright. You’ll process this and clear it out.
Lessie – you will be able to love and trust again. I know that b/c I was involved in an extremely heart-breaking relationship with an EUM/AC 10 years ago. It took a LOT of time and tears to heal, but heal I did. Now, flash forward 10 yrs and I’m just off the heels of another painful relationship but this time the guy was a textbook narcissist on top of EUM/AC. Thing is, before he showed his true colors, I was able to love and trust him. For awhile I have been so bitter thinking what is the point of it all? But really, I think women are quite resilient and strong. I’ve learned so much from both experiences and now I feel I’ll be a lot wiser next time. But I still think if you are basically a good, loving person with the ability to empathize (which neither of my horror-Exs were), you will love again and you will trust again. I know the desire to make him feel the pain you feel, but the ultimate revenge is that you still have the capacity for love and he never did have it and probably never will. Pity him for that.
Hi Lessie,
I agree with Magnolia and Phoenix. It’s hard to imagine ever trusting again when the denial bubble has freshly burst. If the alternative is living in a world of distrust, anger, bitterness, and cynicism, I’m working hard to achieve the former as the latter sounds too depressing. It’s a choice. It’s your choice. I’m also starting to see that if I can trust myself and treat myself with love, care, and respect, I will opt out of banging my head on the back door before I have a lumpy head, crushed self-esteem, and the desire to kick the 3 legged arse up and down the backyard. If I can trust myself, I will opt out at the first clue that I have to engage in relationship amnesia in order to continue in a faux-shody relationship. Additionally, Peter’s original comment on the casual relationship article and McBane’s recent post on that article really helped me see what Natalie has been saying all along, sometimes what they say and do has nothing to do with us. Sometimes they may mean what they say, at that particular moment only. When his behavior contradicted his words, I convienently contracted a case of severe amnesia. How else could an OW stay an OW?
Once I process through this anger, there’s going to be one tremendously hurt sad soul. I’ll shed another ocean of tears. Then, I plan to pick up the pieces, accept that we wanted different things, maybe even forgive the sad sorry 3 legged arse, forgive myself for being raised by philandering father, and move on with or without a guy!
As Natalie and all the wonderful folks who post on BR say, we’ve got to love, trust, respect, and care for ourselves first and know deep down we will never be that woman again. I will trust myself.
Wise words, runner. We live and learn.
Wishing you all good things!
Magnolia, Phoenix, Runner Girl,
Thank you all so very much for your kind and thoughtful words to me here.
I know everything you say is true and right on; the thing is, I know that in my head, logically and rationally, it’s just in my heart, that it hurts so very much still. I can’t seem to get my head and heart in synchronization with one another! It’s quite frustrating at times to feel this incongruity exist.
I am working every day on trying to take better care of myself in all ways (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) and realize that ultimately, it really wasn’t “about” me. It’s very difficult not to internalize it all.
The one thing I am most especially working on though is really fully allowing myself to grieve, not just this relationship, but my own marriage ending, just many varied losses I have sustained through the years which I am not sure I have ever fully let myself FEEL and so now, I am making a conscious decision to do just that…however, I know its also a delicate balance and I can’t allow myself to just stay stuck in the grieving either.
“Crying an ocean of tears” yes, I have been and will probably continue to do so until I am all cried out. I am so inspired by all the ladies here. I look to BR (and all the women and men here) to help me in my quest to be a stronger and more fully realized and self aware person; it’s not always easy but I AM trying and I guess that counts for something.
Hugs to everyone.
I thought I was the only one wanting my ex AC to suffer, feel miserable without me and not want to go on! It’s both exhilerating and sad to know others feel the same. I dropped him two weeks ago – it was my decision to end a two year realtionship with a man that was dishonest, insincere, secretive, moody and basically fit the description of both a EU AND an AC…… late nights on the computer with other women whilst I slept in his bed! ( craigslists casuals FFS – EWWWWWWW ) texting from the bathroom ( can you believe that? ) – when I found this out ( and no, it wasn’t going on the two years just the past month or so ) I ran like heck.
I forgave a lot of his baggage – I thought, as many of his friends still do, he was a’good man’ deep down. When I realized he wasn’t, I bailed.
But now, and NO I NEVER want him back ( he might give me the gift that keeps on giving from one of his casual encounters ) 🙂 I wish he would suffer – but he is back online dating and has already had a couple of dates – obviously not even giving this latest failure ( he has had a multitude of relationship disasters – always claiming he let them go ) a single thought. and honestly, it is tearing me up – It is so easy for men to just carry on – let’s be honest, the dating ball is in their court -especially when you are over 50 as I am – it is not easy to find honest, loyal compansionship.
Anyway, reading this blog keeps me strong, even when I want to bawl my eyes out so keep it coming and everyone: Hang tough and gather your energies for the RIGHT one . Take care of yourselves and you will always have your dignity… 🙂