Over the years of writing Baggage Reclaim, I’ve heard from many women and men who have been left empty handed, duped, disillusioned, distraught, angry and a plethora of negative emotions after being involved in an affair. While many of these people feel awful about deviating so far from their personal values that they wound up not only in a deception but often ended up feeling emotionally bankrupt, there’s also a significant chunk of people who while they may feel aggrieved at deviating from their values, their grievances are focused on the ‘deal’ not coming through.
Affairs are like heists gone wrong.
As the Other Woman/Man, you’re under the impression, even if it’s not directly stated, that for your participation, which as a result of deviating from your values may feel monumental, you’re going to share the ‘takings’ between you and run off into the sunset. All you’ve got to do is hang tight and engage in the deception.
The Cheater is committing ‘fraud’.
It may be that when you first met, you hadn’t intended to be involved; maybe you were just having a good time. But then they started talking up the future and the opportunities, and you suddenly started to believe in the possibility of being together.
You operate under this misguided notion that they’re an honest person being dishonest to the other party due to the circumstances, not because they’re actually dishonest. If you’re anything like I was, you’ll think that you’re the one they’re being honest with.
There’s no such thing as an ‘honest cheat’. That’s an oxymoron like ‘casual relationship’. They lie to themselves, they lie to others, and they most definitely lie to you. Of course some base their reasoning on a complex framework of lies and so will stubbornly cling to their lies, because to let go, would be to place the responsibility and accountability on themselves that they seek to dodge.
Some of you may have actually started out feeling like you were the more ‘powerful’ party in this. They were chasing you and you could take it or leave it. They were trying to convince you but now, you’ve been left with your head spinning and wondering where it all went so wrong.
Unfortunately I’ve seen enough episodes of 24, CSI, and The Wire, never mind various action films to know that often, the person who thinks that they’re in on the deal gets shot or left out.
You keep wondering when they’re going to ‘come good’. They keep talking about how they just need more time, or that the ‘goods’ are in a safe place, and how they’re just waiting for the right moment, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, or they suddenly remembered various problems they have that they’ve got to attend to.
It’s difficult under these circumstances not to get a bit, if not a lot, twitchy. Are they going to come through? Are they shady? Have they double-crossed you and cut you out of the deal and cut in one of your colleagues that sits a few seats away from you, or an ex, or even their current partner? Oh my God, what if they’re ‘back together’? Why didn’t they just tell you? What about everything you’ve invested? And round and round we go.
Of course the deal goes sour. It may not be today, it may not be tomorrow but it will be soon enough unless you’re pulling an ostrich and holding on tight come rain, hail, shine, or the next decade.
And then you’re angry and you know what? Who wouldn’t be? You got played, even though they may deny it and claim that they really meant to cut you in, but something came up, or you ‘did’ something, or some other lame excuse.
Here’s the thing though: It was an affair. Don’t get me wrong – they’ll have done their wheeler-dealing, lying, omission, and even pressuring, but you knew that there were a lot of things wrong with this situation and you’ve also lied to yourself.
I say this from experience. My anger and indignation gradually gave way to grudging and then welcomed responsibility when I realised that I’d known what I was dealing with – I had just hoped to be exempt.
If you’re still angry about the fact that you’re not still with them while they cheat, or are angry that they haven’t left, you’re missing the point – it was an affair.
If you’re still angry, your moral code hasn’t caught up with you yet. It can’t have done – you’re still bargaining and justifying that you had good reason to be in this situation, because it’s that classic Justifying Zone, the slippery slope where people go to after they’ve emotionally or sexually invested and need to find any reason, even one that’s straw-like to justify it.
In the case of affairs, we like to think there’s a whole load of damn good reasons why we would get into a situation like this and continue. The truth is, often there wasn’t at the outset. It’s only further down the line when it suddenly occurs to you that you’re in an affair and that means you’re in something shady that you start wheeling out the reasons and searching for even more. You need to find a reason for the ‘whim’ and gambling.
There’s an over-correlation that happens with affairs, much like it happens when we meet someone who possesses certain qualities or characteristics and we assume that they possess others and that they’re ‘right’ for us. With affairs, we over-correlate our presence in one and assume that it’s because of a connection, ‘chemistry’, deep feelings, ‘fate’ etc.
Actually, often you’re in an affair because you’ve taken a detour down a shady alley in Low Self-Esteemville – you just may not know it, possibly because you’re running from and shielding yourself from other hurts.
If you want to move on from the affair (I hope you do because these things are bloody painful), you’ve got to stop acting like you’re an ‘innocent’ victim – you were happy to be in on the heist when you thought you had something to gain. Now that the tables have turned on you and you not only haven’t ‘won’, but in fact seem to have left some of your sense of self on the table, how much is it going to help you to be a victim?
There’s no peace or growth in claiming helplessness and that you’ve been robbed – you can’t call it a robbery because it hasn’t turned out how you’d liked, when you were calling it ‘love’ when you thought it would go your way.
The same qualities and characteristics that enabled you to have an affair with them, are the very ones that they’ll use to cut you out or at least lead you down some blind alley’s. What you don’t want, is to be that person who is waiting and waiting and waiting, while they keep palming you off with excuses, while they go and live the good life.
The takeaway from this isn’t to give yourself a hard time – taking responsibility doesn’t mean taking on the blame for the whole thing. Own.Your.Part.
This means taking the focus off them and positively putting it on you – this experience was a sign that you don’t love you enough and need to deal with whatever you’re avoiding. You’re human, you make mistakes, and you want to love and be loved – forgive you and get back on track.
You’re not going to feel good or gain a healthy relationship out of something based on deception that leaves you feeling bad. Forget about them; make things right with you.
Your thoughts?
Check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop.
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1092 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
• 
• 
• 
• 
Related Posts
295 Responses to Why Affairs Are Like Being Double-Crossed In A Heist
Get Notified When There’s A New Post
Natalie’s Books
I'm also on Google+.
Here’s why I’ve been dealing with, sound familiar?
Said he’s not good with relationships right now.
No advance plans- always last minute plans that were never definite.
Said he’d been honest so I couldn’t complain or make him feel guilty cos I knew he stood.
Said that’s just the way he is
Said he wanted me to go with the flow and have less expectations.
Defensive and lashes out when confronted.
Said I’m too demanding and freaked him out.
When i said I wanted space he Said he’s friends with his other exes.
Confused.
I hope you’re not still dealing with this, as he has clearly stated this is going nowhere.
Confusedd,
I empathize. Classic EUM here, Natalie writes about almost all of the things he has said to you.
MANAGING down your expectations so he isn’t required to give. EUM. Someone who truly has love care trust and respect for you will not tell you how to feel, or try to manipulate you so you stop having expectations of them. He is trying to make you feel bad so you will be in limbo/confusedland where you are thinking you must have done something wrong, and that you now must be careful or you could lose him. What he doesn’t want you to realize is that this would NOT be a loss for you, you’d be gaining back yourself. And truly it would be his loss.
-being defensive when confronted-I’ve been SCREAMED at for having the slightest questions or thougths that i dared to share with the EUM. It’s a way again of putting you off the subject so that he doens’t have to answer questions that he can’t answer truthfully, and he knows it, and that scares him.
-telling you you know how he feels so it’s your fault if you are disappointed. On some level, it’s true. But it’s not a nice thing to say to anyone, and it’s another CLASSIC EUM tactic to remain unaccountable for his actions. He’s basically saying he can treat you however he wants, he’s “told” you how he is. Now all the decision are on you. He is now not responsible if you get hurt. It’s totaly BS. But you do need to remove yourself from the situation if you truly don’t want to be treated like that, which is, and i’ve been through it many times, like less than scum.
I’m sorry for what you are going through, and I understand why you are confused.
Also look at Natalie’s post on “Topline Data.” In all his crap there lies the Topline facts about him. Once you recognize what that is, to hell with all his other verbal diaherria. He’s trying to get you confused so you have to muddle through what he’s saying and never really come up with a conclusion for yourself about what YOU want and need. He makes it sound like he wants to be clear with you, but what it really is, he’s ALL about himself, and him saying all this stuff to you and leaving you confused is how he gets his needs met. It’s such mindf-ery.
NML often writes “they use sex as a weapon”
Said he’d been honest so I couldn’t complain or make him feel guilty cos I knew he stood.
well, I would like to add to that “They use honesty as a weapon”.
If someone phones up and says that they are going to shoot you, does them being honest make it any less dangerous. This guy is classic EUM and possibly AC, CUT HIM OFF AND GO NC.
Do you want to be still dealing with his flip-flapping ways in 1,10,50 years time?
FLUSH!!
EUM = people who don’t want a relationship, either they say so or the act so. An impossible situation.
I myself have never been “invoved”with a MM,well at least not to my Knowledge.Being on a dating site and the Liars that hang out there(not saying all are)but who knows If the Men I have met have been Married?
I am positive a few have been.
I find I am to inquisitive,somewhat of a snoop,to ever get duped by someone who is Married.
I feel so sad for the Women and Men on here,who are going thru Pain.
I can say that time does Heal all wounds,sometimes it takes longer,but it does happen..
You know that I found just last week that some guy I had chatted up online (when I was doing online dating a while ago) that blew really hot and then suddenly didn’t want to talk to me and went dark is actually the boyfriend of an acquaintance of mine!
They have been on there for ages, getting ego strokes from people like me. Their partner allows them to be online because they trust them not to go the whole way. Seriously! They shouldn’t even BE on there.
And here I was thinking ‘it’s all about me’. These guys are SO DODGY time and again their track record – when it eventually surfaces – it just horrific. Not only that, I found out that their partner is irritated because they wont commit and don’t even live with them and told us about the problems they are having – and in the first 2 seconds I knew they were EUM.
I feel like I have made such progress. I have been NC for almost 8 months. The two times i was at a place where the ex showed up, I was polite and civil and only engaged in group conversations. No one on one time.
I feel stronger and happier but I also have this fear that I can never be his friend again because I would revert back to the doormat I was when I was with him.
The weird thing is ;
1) I do not know why I am even contemplating a friendship with someone who treated me so terribly.
2) He has made no indication that he wants to be friends, this is just me thinking about what could possibly happen in a future that doesn’t even exist.
3) This person going from everything to me to nothing still feels weird and uncomfortable even though I recognise it was necessary.
4) I have no desire to get back together with him. When I think about him it is mainly the pain he caused me.
I do not understand why this person is still such a sour point for me. The idea of having him in my life scares the life out of me but I feel like if I was truly past all this then it wouldn’t. I would be indifferent.
Does anyone else feel this way? How have you handled these feelings? What do they even mean?
lis
Don’t be his friend. After a year of NC, instigated after I was dumped (again) I called the ex and we ended up flippin married. I instigated the separation before our first anniversary because I couldn’t go through with the charade anymore. LET. SLEEPING. DOGS. LIE.
Maybe you’re looking for validation – Look I’m so healed I don’t want you anymore and I can deal with you. I’m so cool. Let’s be friends.
The end of the journey isn’t indifference. It’s MAKING A CHOICE. Choose your future. You can’t have a new future when he is still in your life. At the very least, no (decent) man is interested in a woman who keeps a crap ex as a friend. How do you explain him? “Oh yeah, he treated me really badly and now we’re friends”.
Yeah,
I had one from the Assclown Cemetery resurface at a night club and try and dance with me because we had a mutual friend. I was on guard but I kept thinking “Can’t they see they’re an assh*le?”. Although it was three or four years since we were dating (wasn’t even sure we were doing that!) they’re still up to the same old same old, still chronically single (geez, I wonder why, LOL).
This was the same AC that texted me after ONE MONTH of silence and come back unchallenged. CRAZY!
Lis, I feel for you. It is weird that someone who was so important to you is now just somebody you used to know but unfortunately is the way it is. It’s good that you’re aware and honest enough to admit that how you’re likely to behave (like a doormat) if you let this man back in your life even as a “friend”. You can’t really be “friends” with him .. not now maybe not really ever. Some people do manage to be friends with their ex but I reckon it can get complicated on most cases.
I’m ashamed to share my story but I might as well. 12 years of off and on contact and head games with an EUM who became an MM. Everytime I move on we end up trying to be “friends” but we’re just not friends. I was the one who waited and waited who tried to move forward but kept going backward still looking for closure and answers. When I thought that at least we could be at least be friends just to hold on to him and see whether things would change but I should have just left it alone and stayed away. NC forever!!
May I quote NML (from the discussion of her last post)? “Mutual love, care, trust, respect, and demonstrated shared core values along with commitment, intimacy, balance, progression, and consistency. Plus the attraction that distinguishes it from a friendship.” She gave those reasons for chosing somebody as a partner.
Your relationships didn’t fail due to lack of attraction, but because the other qualities NML listed were missing. Attraction is usually there, but at least one party doesn’t act like a real partner.
Anyway, all those qualities, except attraction, are required for a good friendship AS WELL. Why would you want to be friends with somebody who doesn’t have those qualities?
We all got involved with those guys purely because of the attraction. And now we should become their friends because of… what??? I made the same mistake in the past, but it only makes things worse.
Lis,
I think you should focus on 1 and 4. Why would you want to be friends with someone who treated you poorly? How do you benefit?
While I agree overall, this bit I don’t get:
“your moral code hasn’t caught up with you yet.”
Let’s say it’s a single woman having an affair with a married man – she’s not the one who made vows. She’s not the one deceiving her partner. He is. Her moral code is intact.
Apple,
Absolutely not! If she has knowledge that he is involved with someone, she should not get involved.
What kind of moral code is that? It sounds like justification of using and hurting others. Actions have consequences.
“Let’s say it’s a single woman having an affair with a married man – she’s not the one who made vows. She’s not the one deceiving her partner. He is. Her moral code is intact.”
REALLY? HAHA, keep fooling yourself, that’s BS…been there done that! The only moral code I see here is ‘JUSTIFYING’ poor choices.
SMH!
If I (knowingly) buy from a receiver of stolen goods, is my moral code intact, even if I use my own legal money?
I too belive it’s primarily the cheating party who is to blame, but as OW we are (or were) complicit in their crime.
If you’re in a relationship with a married man, and hypothetically that married man murders someone -is your morality intact if you agree to keep the murder a secret? Or is it lost?
Murder is a crime, infidelity is not. Some people couldn’t give a rat’s ass about marriage. They don’t go there themselves and couldn’t care less about other people’s marriages. Just sayin!
I think what you mean Appleby is that this is what you think. You don’t give a shit. You don’t see anything wrong with adultery. You don’t think that someone knowingly sleeping with someone who is already in a relationship is wrong. You think that the Other Woman/Man is innocent of any wrongdoing because it is only the cheater that is doing wrong. You’re just a highly moral person caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.
You will find also that infidelity is a crime or at least a morally lacking act that can get you as the ‘innocent bystander’ sued in some places, including in America. You may want to do your homework on Fantasia and any case where another party has been named on the divorce papers. Even if there isn’t a monetary payout, there can be immense character damage caused by being named and it may become a matter of public record.
I think that it is a little more complex nowadays:
* If you know the person is attached (doesn’t even have to be married) then going and shagging them is probably not a good idea
* Unless you want to become the OW, this is also a code red situation.
That said there are a lot of “open” relationships nowadays (is that an oxymoron?) – I’ve come across more than ten cases of this in my wider friends circle – mostly gay/lesbian. So you can see that the lines/expectations is going to be blurred – just like other lines have become blurred with things like online dating, grindr, and so forth.
Er no Natalie, if I had been stating my own views, I would have said ‘I think’. It’s true I haven’t done my homework but that doesn’t stop me thinking your viewpoint on moral culpability is simplistic. I have a colleague who does not believe in marriage, is in an open relationship, and the idea that she has ‘lost her moral code’ because she expects other people to take responsibility for their own marriages strikes me as ridiculous.
Appleby, not to labour the point but it is your opinion. It wouldn’t make sense to argue a point so vehemently that you don’t believe in, in a comments field for your opinion.
An open relationship is an open relationship when it has two parties in agreement – that’s mutual. That has absolutely nothing to do with what is being talked about here.
If someone has an ‘open marriage’ (an oxymoron in itself) that is one thing, but a marriage or relationship where one person effs around is not an open relationship; it is cheating and an abuse of trust.
I’ve known a number of people who have open relationships. Not one of them is like your colleague. I’ve also watched a gay couple’s one year civil partnership after an 8 year relationship disintegrate over ‘openness’.
Just because these people i know in open relationships have no desire to be in a committed relationship doesn’t mean they believe they have a license to screw whoever they want. They respect other people’s relationships.
Anything I’ve said to you is the same thing I’d say to someone who doesn’t think they have to disclose a STD if the other person is prepared to sleep with then bareback anyway.
Simplistic? Being a decent person of integrity is simple. Being shady is complicated.
Think what you will Natalie but it’s not my opinion. I’m just trying to figure out where I stand on this. While I agree that it’s not right to wilfully participate in any scenario where someone else is being duped, nor do I think it’s right to impose one’s morality and views on marriage on the world at large. So I concede you’re right while seeing varying shades of grey. I guess that makes me shady, lol. But I’m leaning towards the black and white.
PS Have you never heard of devil’s advocate?
Haha! Yes indeed
I used to be shady and sadly have been on all sides of the fence with this affairs thing. It is cringeworthy, but I’ve said two things that showed how my moral code had plummeted 1) As someone who didn’t believe in cheating, suddenly as the OW I was saying “I’m single so it’s not my problem” and my ex used to say that if he ended it, she might do something to herself and not that I am or was convinced of it, but at the time I was a bit like “She’s going to do what she’s going to do” and that she wasn’t my “problem”.
When I questioned my own integrity and also considered consequences as well a seeing her as a human with a name, feelings, and flaws, I was ashamed that I could think of another human in that manner.
Of course not everyone thinks as I do, and you have to work out what your values are.
“Of course not everyone thinks as I do, and you have to work out what your values are.”
This is key. When you consider that not long ago in Ireland – and no doubt other places too – a woman was branded immoral for having a child outside marriage, and routinely locked up (Google Magdalen laundries), you learn to be wary of self-righteousness.
Indeed. I’m raised in Ireland though and I’m a child from outside marriage. I’m also black and people get killed for that. I think having a child outside of marriage, and maybe I’m biased as I am one and have two of them, is very different to riding someone else’s man like a pony and having an affair. If that’s self-righteous, gimme more of it. It has kept me out of trouble after nearly destroying myself. Your values are your values and hell, if you are happy etc, knock yourself out. Now gotta go – one of my illegitimate children has just woken up!
These open relationships are all the rage in the gay/lesbian community, spurred on by things like “The Ethical Slut” and other books.
In my former life, when I was EU, there would be many ‘hard to get’ people on dating sites that later I would find out that they are attached or in a partnership already! In fact, I have already come across TWO cases where this was the case. And here I am thinking ‘It is me that is the problem isn’t it?’. Time and again the truth surfaces… eventually. And no not everyone tells you either – you are left to go figure out the puzzle!
Boundaries and asking questions are more important than ever if you don’t want your head busted. Open relationships are also the perfect invitation to become the OW / TOM (The other man) with all the attendant problems. Indeed I knew a same sex couple who were looking for a third (not just for fun but polyamory basically without “all the needs”), it is more common that one thinks…
Virtue Ethics suggests that we should do what a virtuous person would do in the same circumstance. Would a virtuous person screw around with someone who they KNEW were in a closed LTR – no they wouldn’t. They’d go off elsewhere and find someone who wasn’t.
Being an assclown isn’t a crime
Still makes it horrible though.
Lis- I am a guy but I have felt this way. My marriage ended recently after my wife had an affair and used it as justification to treat me and my family very badly (I guess she suddenly thought she could do better). The feelings you described of going from everything to nothing are brutal. Two things that can help you cope: First, think very hard about what the actual relationship was like. Chances are that there were many times you were scratching your head (or even pulling your hair out) during the relationship and it quite possibly was never as good as you want to remember. Second, after every positive thought or good memory, train yourself to repeat a mantra such as “yes, but he also did things that significantly hurt me and does not seem to care about that”. Ultimately, Natalie is right, peace comes only from moving on, finding other meaningful outlets for your passion, taking responsibility for your role in the bad relationship (even if that is just that you put up with crap), and making and keeping promises to live within your own deepest values.
Hi Lis,
Rest assured many, if not most of us know what you are feeling. I still struggle with the feelings BUT I’m learning where those feelings are coming from and it’s almost like he was every disappointment and rejection and abandonment from my past come back to haunt me. So maybe you need to dig a little deeper to find out what is holding you to him. Read some of Nat’s articles on cutting contact otherwise it is like you are saying you will agree to any and all of his terms just to keep him in your life. And that will only prolong the pain because you will never have him in your life the way you want it to be.
lis,
I have the pleasure of seeing the AC/MM at church almost every Sunday. That’s my choice, and I choose to do that because I sing in the choir and it’s one of my only outlets at this point. Plus, I like the people in choir. Ironically, this guy’s wife is in choir and I sit next to her and laugh with her. She’s a nice person. Meanwhile, if I see this guy, I do my best to avoid him, or otherwise say “Good morning” and walk away. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and causes a certain level of anxiety. I can’t bring myself to chat with him, nor do I think it’s a good idea if I do. And even though I got a wake-up call from Natalie and realize I should no longer play the victim, I’m not at the point where I can admit that seeing him doesn’t churn my stomach or even want to ball up my fist and punch him (I’m not a violent person but it would feel so good to do that…). So, I think I’m where you’re at: I don’t think I can really ever be “friends” with him and I don’t see myself being able to chat with him or joke with him. I just don’t think it’s a smart move.
I have to come back on the wanting to justify myself comment. I was so convinced my affair would come right and I could prove to be the exception but I have disamlly failed again. My justification is flimsy but for six months I honestly didnt know I was the OW.I just thought we were taking things slow and he had other prioritys like children and sport. He already had a girlfriend and when I eventually caught him he convinced me he loved us both and that the other one was going to go bang soon, so I perseveered. She still knows nothing of the deceit.
I then asked him out over New year and he promptly texted me on Boxing Day to say he had made a decision to stay with the girlfriend. Later admitting I had put him on the spot as he had already arranged stiff with the girlfriend I was gutted but within five days he contacted me saying he’d made a mistake and wanted to see me again. So off we went again future faking me the lot until three weeks later he said again he wanted to be with the other lady So I didnt contact him again. Three weeks ago he came onto me again at work and we spent a few lovely dates together with him telling me one evening how he loved me so much and wanted to live with me……twenty minutes later a knock on his door and it is the girlfriend…shock on his face and I thought he is going to have to come clean as she knew nothing of me for the past year. Oh no though ,he asked me to say nothing for his sake so stupidly thats what I did . When she came in I heard him spinning her a yarn about me being a colleague in trouble etc. I left them to it and she appears to have bought into his lies as he has again informed me he wants her not me. Well job done I am so angry and hurt and confused but swear if anyone had been in my place they would have believed him too as he was so credible!
Sounds awful, and I believe you when you say he was good at playing you (like the self-absorbed, morally-shabby fraudster he is), but, now you know never again to afford anyone the power of choosing from afar whether to be with you, as if you have no say in it.
Once you knew he was being a dog, and, then CERTAINLY once he decided once that he was going to be with his girlfriend for the first time, you should have packed up shop, with no hint of leaving the door open. I don’t mean this to slap you – I imagine you’re feeling hurt, down and ashamed. But I really don’t want you, me, or any of us to ever be in that situation (metaphorically or otherwise) where we’re performing like low-rent bellydancers chugging back Midori from the bottle, set up outside a workplace, all to get the acceptance of someone. Dignity and autonomy are just far too precious.
WOW
What a game! All he needs is to say a whole heap of cr%p and the secures the goods.
There’s nothing confusing about open and shut cases of assh*lery. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CASES. FLUSH!!
Allison,
I’m trying to get out if it. we were friends before we dated. Last time we parted he kept texting me periodically on a friendly level and I always replied and eventually we met up and round 2 started.
Now I’ve told him i want space and silence. he wasn’t too pleased. Implied I was being strange as his other exs are great friends with him. He said he cared about me. Of course then I felt bad and wanted to make sure we weren’t on bad terms. So I suggested we meet and say goodbye in person. Now he keeps putting off our meeting with lame excuses. It’s a vicious cycle of mind games.
Confused,
It doesn’t matter that you started as friends, you need to concentrate on how he treated you. Friends DO NOT treat one another this way!
I don’t understand why you would have to say goodbye in person, as it seems as a way to prolong. Personally, I would block and be done with this.
NCC
I will check out the topline data article, thank you. Yes, mindf-ery indeed. He is clever with words and conversation and likes to spin simple exchanges into more complicated, multilayered discussions, in the end I’m not even sure what my own point or question was… In his mind it’s probably a success for distracting me… Is this a common trait for these people?
yes it is common for them. I never knew they had such predictable set patterns until I found this site and saw the list of the signs on how to spot them. what you described what your EUM did is the same stunts and same lines my EUM did to me. they use this “friend” card whenever they want to use you and then go off on their merry way until they need another ego boost or distraction. when you want to distance yourself from them because it’s too hard they make you feel bad by saying the care about you, and make you feel guilty when they should be the one feeling guilty about their head games.
So common! Your list of what you’ve experienced with this guy on your original post….all of that stuff has happened to me/been said to me.
I know that it’s not easy to cut ties though and make a solid decision on your involvement with these people. I just hope some support and empathy here helps you, I know that I come here for that and to work towards a better life…for ME!
Never again, never will I be with a MM. The exMM has moved across the country with his family. He still contacts me about once a month which I don’t get, no sex obviously. When I tell him that there is no point to stay in contact he gets panicky and begs me to stay in contact. When I texted him by accident, he told me he likes hearing from me even if my text wasn’t intended for him. In my heart of hearts, I know he doesn’t care, what is he holding on to? I most likely will never see him again, actually even if I could I don’t think I would want to. Why do I still have feelings for him? I just don’t get what’s in it for him. I need to stop thinking of him. From now on I am going to own my part, let him panic, it’s not my job to figure out why, he’ll have to take care of himself and I will take care of ME. Relationships are worth my time, affairs are worth nothing!
Never
He’s holding onto his image as a great guy who women want to be friends with.
He’s holding onto the possibility (however remote) that the two of you might have sex again.
He’s holding onto the ego stroke – I’ve still got it.
He’s holding onto knowing that he can still affect you.
He’s holding onto keeping tabs on your whereabouts and, if you meet someone new, the chance to screw it up.
If you want to stop caring, take the first step first – no contact. Change your no. if you have to.
Never,
Grace has put it succintly [as usual] I would like to add; stop caring about ‘him’ and start caring about ‘you’. He made his decision, he chose himself and his family. YOU choose, YOU.
NeverTooLate, try not to give too much thought as to why he’s pestering you (though grace’s list is right on the money). Stay strong with staying away from communication with him. No contact = No new pain. Do whatever it takes to deny him access to you, and if he manages to weasel around it, ignore ignore ignore.
Natalie has some really great posts on No Contact, and her free 30-days of No Contact email is terrifically supportive. It helped me through my last rough breakup.
I spent 6 months with a MM. It was 6 months of ambiguity, aggravation, disappointments and waiting, waiting, waiting for him to show up. Fortunately, by reading Natalie’s book, “Mr. Unavailable….., reading self help books, and other blogs including this one, I was able to go NC and extricate myself from that disastrous situation. Several months later I tried online dating and met a man half my age, who chased me down as if the world were going to end. I was flattered and even wrote boastfully on this blog about him and how excited I was. Well, soon after he confessed that he not only had a girlfriend, but that he lived with her and she was 6 months pregnant. I still wanted to go on seeing him because I missed sexual intimacy and felt it would be a blast with him. However, after having done so much work on myself to get out of the MM situation, I just could not allow myself to go back into a situation similar and in some ways worse than what I’d gotten out of. I decided that the sex would in no way make up for my feeling cheap and immoral, and since going to church every Sunday and professing how I wanted to be more godlike, I could not see myself doing that to another woman. Thanks to mostly Natalie’s influence I am alone and at peace. I am able to say that this was a lesson well learned and I will not be repeating the same egregious mistake. Thank you so much, Natalie, and everyone else for all your words that have helped me greatly. I’m taking very good care of myself, staying busy and enjoying other things besides men. Perhaps one day he’ll show up, but if not, I’m confident that i will thrive.
no longer
Hi Tinkerbell,
Natalie’s influence is amazing. For me, her book was life changing. Congratulations for extricating yourself from the exMM. You fortunate to get out after 6 months.
And even more good for you for not getting involved with young online guy with a pregnant g/f. Maybe this guy was your “one last ass” to borrow a phrase from a BR comrade. Thanks to Blaise Parker for that line. I do feel badly for the pregnant g/f and the new baby who is/will be counting on online guy and future daddy as he’s out stalking women for sex. But at least you are not repeating the same mistake. Your comment gives me hope that recovery, forgiveness, and avoiding the same mistake is possible. Keep up the good work. For me Natalieness is next to godliness!
Thanks to Natalie and all of you, I’m coming to grips with the fact that these guys really do exist.
A guy with a 6 month pregnant g/f is out hunting for sex? Is there more than a red flag and more than a flush handle?
I ended my affair with a MM just one week ago and I can only say that the pain and heartache is almost more than I can bear. I have ended all contact with him and am determined that this time it is over, hence the utter devastation I feel (I have tried twice before to end it unsuccessfully but he has talked me round with words of love and how much he needs me in his life).
I played my part in this and take full responsibility; it started out with a kiss at a school reunion, then him giving me his number via a facebook message, then meeting up for dinner and drinks, then sex and you can guess the rest. I knew he was married from the outset, didn’t care as I certainly didn’t intend to get involved, all I wanted was a break from the mundane and he chased me for 6 months before I realised I was so so in love with him. There is no poor me in this, I don’t deserve it…..I just want the hurt to stop so I can start to face a future without him in it, and get on with my life.
He is who he is, and I know he may try to get in touch with me again at some point, and I want to be able to have the strength to tell him it really is over, PI** OFF, leave me alone once and for all, but at the moment I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep for 100 years……
Sorry guys , I know this sounds like a bit of a pity party; would just appreciate a few words …anything to get this chick to wake up and smell the damn coffee xx
Hi Josie,
I want to reach out and give you a hug and a ton of strength. Nope, there is no pity party for an OW who knowingly entered into the illicit situation. I did the same thing. I didn’t mean to become involved, thought I could handle it, and then got involved and couldn’t handle it. I am accountable for making a really huge mistake. I know the pain is immense and I’m sorry.
You are doing the right thing by ending it and cutting contact, despite the pain. There’s a ton of great advice from Natalie and the wonderful BR community on this blog so keep reading and commenting. Breaking through the fog is hard. While I was deep in the fog of denial and the justifying zone, I didn’t see my part in the deception since I wasn’t the one who was married. He was. Owning my part in the lying, cheating, and deception has been my wake up call and has kept me from going back (after a a slip). I don’t want to be a liar and a cheat. Being with a MM means I have to lie and cheat too. Thus, I can’t go back. You can’t either, right?
Everyone on this site is so helpful so this may just be a little silly thing, I keep repeating Natalie’s words “THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS AN HONEST CHEAT”. That’s been difficult for me to grasp too. I have the words emblazoned on his forehead (as well as other parts) and on my forehead. He had to have been lying to me as well as his wife and children. Yup, I was under the misguided notion that he was only lying to his wife, not me. Dear lord, as I type that sentence, “misguided” seems an understatement. I had to be lying and cheating too. That’s what I’ve found so helpful about Natalie’s work, placing the focus on me. What about me?
This post gives me another emblazoned message: “AFFAIRS ARE LIKE HEISTS GONE WRONG”.
Sleep if you need to sleep. At least you aren’t contacting him. My best wishes to you. Stay strong. Block and delete him. And sleep.
I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply to me and give me the benefit of some very sage advice. I believed with my whole heart that the MM was honest with me, he kept telling me so…’Jo, I will always be honest with you, even if its not what you want to hear’. I still want to believe everything he told me was the truth, because then I won’t feel like such an idiot! I have fallen at the first hurdle; ignored three texts and a missed call last night only to text him this morning to ask what he wanted….and his reply was ‘just to chat’ aaaaarrrggggghhh!!! My response was that he has lots of people to ‘chat’ to, his wife being the main one, that I was hurting and in pain and to PLEASE do the decent thing and leave me be to grieve and to try and get over him. No response….
Hugs to you. I’m so sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry that it’s going to hurt for awhile. But, remember, No Contact = No New Pain. Give yourself time to get over the old pain without creating new pain for yourself along the way. Like others have said, sleep is good for you. Make healthy choices–avoid things that will just numb the pain or create more, even if those things feel good in the moment. Pain is horrible. Makes me want to vomit, curl in a ball, never wake up, takes my breath away. But the good thing about actually letting yourself go THROUGH it, is that you actually go THROUGH it. You will end up on the other side of it, even though it might not seem possible right now. Keep reading NML’s blog, keep doing what you know is right, keep being kind to yourself as you grieve him and let him go. Hugs.
Oh yeah Josie, they always just want “to chat”. It’s what they do, “chat” via lazy text/email messages because they are MARRIED. I’ve stayed up way past my bedtime “chatting”. It wasn’t a relationship, it was “chatting”. There’s no relationship based on respect, trust, and love, it’s just a “chat”. You are spot on, the women he should be chatting with is HIS WIFE, not another woman. No way a MM could just be lying to his wife and not lying to his mistress. So sorry. I heard so many protestations as how he wasn’t lying to me. He was. There is no way a MM with a mistress isn’t lying to his wife and his mistress. That could only be the case in my situation and may not be the case in your situation.
Rosenfire, your comments have been so helpful and spot on for me. Thank you for taking the time to comment. “No Contact = No New Pain. I still want to smack these dudes upside their heads. But I won’t. I’ll make cheesy potato soup pour a nice glass of wine, and turn on some great classical music.
I burst into tears this afternoon, right in the middle of Costa Coffee, in front of my two children, who clearly thought Mother had taken a left turn down barmy alley. I excused myself, shut myself in the bathroom and sobbed for 20 minutes over this man who I have loved for a year. My 15 and 12 year old know nothing of MM and what the hell would I say to them anyway. They were so concerned and all I could do was make an excuse……so yet more lies for a man who probably hasn’t wasted one drop of a tear over me. Every bit of me wanted to text him today and tell him how much I miss him but (a) that would make me look confused & desperate, (b) it would give his currently over-inflated ego a huuuuge boost and (c) it would make 10 days of tears, lack of sleep, weight loss and clinging on to Baggage Reclaim for dear life, for nothing and NO WAY am I doing that to myself! The only way to go now is UP ladies and I urge any of you to carry on with your quest NOT to go back….we can all do this!! Your honesty has kept me afloat and made me feel like I am not the horrid OW who deserves all she gets….just a flawed, hurting human being who made a mistake with a man who knew exactly what he was doing when he pursued me from one end of the country to the other!
Keep going ladies……we can cut them out of our lives for good xxx
Oh Josie, sorry to hear about the tears. Your kids must have been concerned. My 18 year-old daughter was still living at home when I took a “left turn down barmy alley” (love that phrase) and like you, what the hell would I say to her? Just excuses and lies…like you say. Thank god she wasn’t here to experience the end of the nightmare.
Try to resist the urge to text him. I recognized that by portraying him as the perpetrator, robbing me of of my investment in a shady deal which I was in on from the outset, left me in a helpless victim mode. Natalie is right, we aren’t victims. Texting him is doing the ostrich thing as well as the bargaining, justifying thing. Steer clear of the Justifying Zone. The heist went sour. I’m still spending to much time in the Justifying Zone and I’m working on getting out of the Victim Mode as well. There is a bit of comfort in being a victim but not much empowerment.
I think the worst realization for me was that every time I broke down, replied or initiated contact, it was a huge ego boost for him. It’s a wacky dynamic. Natalie’s book really helps explain the wacky dance.
I’m so sorry you are hurting, Josie. For me it’s been four months and I still cry every day. I’ve never felt like the guilty OW and always thought we would be the exception. What was I thinking? My therapist says abandonment is worse than death. All I know is that I’m struggling to hold it together at work, in public, and in front of my kids, and all the other people who have no idea that I’ve spent the last 2 1/2 years in a passionate amazing relationship and as recently as last night I dreamed he asked me to marry him and was dissapointed to awaken.
I know it will get better, that I’m strong and don’t need a relationship without a mutual commitment. This has hurt worse than I ever though possible, but there is a glimmer at the end of the tunnel now. I see a day when I can at least find a reason to go on. It will be there for you too. Hang on!!!
Oh Broken, my heart goes out to you….it really does. I too, cry every day at the moment, but its all part of the grieving process which we HAVE to go through in order to come out the other side. Crying in public is a real bummer, especially as family etc. have no idea why. Mine just think I am depressed, having moved from one end of the country to the other in order to find work, and assume I am missing my old life. I let them think it because its easier than admitting I was the OW for 15 months. After a bout of weeping yesterday in front of my Mum, I went home and completely changed my bedroom around and created an environment totally different to when the MM was last there. If I had the money, I would change duvet covers, cushions, throws etc and cleanse the room of him, but as I haven’t, then this is the next best thing.
The only thing we can do is take it day by day…and when its really bad, minute by minute and hour by hour. Baby steps. Making those small changes in our hearts and in our minds. Its not easy….as I said, I miss him every single minute of the day, but at the end of that day, I am a step closer to where I want to be. Whats more important is that we don’t get in touch with these men…..and thats the hardest thing of all at times.
Having all you guys for support helps enormously, and I cling on to all your wise words…..Runnergirl, Rosenfire, Tinkerbell, Brokenhearted. Thank you.
Josie I know what you mean about changing your room. I am going to paint mine and change things around. It feels violated. I think about all the times he came to my home, ate my dinner, drank my wine, sat on my settee, showered, cleaned his teeth… my home. i allowed him in yes, but he told me the lie that we were going to be together and that he was going to move in, we were in it for real. Now it turns out it is a lie the use of me and my home feels just… vile. Look I know my part, I know what I did and I was stupid and careless to believe we would be together, but could I go into another’s home and use them knowing full well I was conning them? No, I don’t think I could. Changing things around is symbolic and heathy is my guess.
I know quite a few people who say “It’s natural for a guy to cheat”, and then proceed to blame both the wife (for “neglecting” him and for “growing old and ugly”) and the OW (for “seducing him” and for being “a needy single”). They even seem to admire the unfaithful guy. I thought this was somewhat “normal”. Now I think it’s purely sexist.
I used to wonder: “How could women ever have a happy relationship if everybody thinks it’s okay for a guy to be unfaithful? If it makes him ‘cool’, even? What did all women in the world together do wrong to deserve this?”.
Now I know it’s not “normal”. Not everybody thinks like this. Why did I always focus on people with such disagreeable opinions anyway? They are not the norm.
I’m glad there is hope. Thanks again to NML and to many other people who comment here.
“I know quite a few people who say “It’s natural for a guy to cheat”, and then proceed to blame both the wife (for “neglecting” him and for “growing old and ugly”) and the OW (for “seducing him” and for being “a needy single”). ”
Could not agree more. Over here in the states, you may have heard of a thing called a Charlie Sheen. He’s a pig & a wh*re and in ‘women’ years, old. But you can’t turn on the tv w/out him being glorified, he’s got all this work selling products that capitalize on his narcissism. The message is always the same, young hot females throw themselves at him, hoping to be the exception I presume. It disgusts me. Not that anyone should behave that way; but when a female celebrity does even half of what he’s done and saints preserve us, if she has the temerity to crown 30, they still brand her with a scarlet letter and make her a laughing stock. How do we change this double standard??
That’s absolutely true! Somehow at the end of all this, the woman comes out a ‘slut’ and a man a ‘player’. It’s really sad.
Wakeup,
You have written every word that I wanted to write. The person being cheated on is the biggest victim here, and being lost in your own pain and hurt, which you have willingly inflicted on others, sounds a bit selfish doesn’t it? How can you be okay with someone cheating on their wife/gf and leaving them but the same shouldn’t happen to you?
It’s a major lack of empathy from your end ladies. Even if a man leaves his partner for you (a blessing for her), imagine being cheated on by him…pinches doesn’t it? And you know what, rude as it may sound, you will deserve every bit of it. What you give is what you get.
RG: so glad that there is someone out there who thinks like me.
I think it isn’t right that the ladies’ sadness/emotional well being would be the main reason for leaving the MM….instead of the wrongness of the situation being the main reason!!!
Conversely, if these relationships made the ladies feel good, does this mean they would stay with the MM? This is the problem with basing the decision of whether or not to leave the relationship based on how they feel (whether the guy makes them happy or sad). How the ladies feel is NOT the most important point here. Even if the MM makes the woman very happy, the whole thing is WRONG because it is an affair, so she should not be in it to begin with.
I know what you mean. Although it’s obvious why the emotional aspect becomes the deciding factor. It’s because they are selfish enough to start the affair in the first place. If there was any sense of ‘putting yourself in the other person’s shoes’ or any consideration for a fellow woman, the affair wouldn’t happen in the first place. It’s sad that human emotions are so strong that they let you give up your morality and ethics and allow you to stab someone in the back. I hope people realise the pain they inflict on someone due to this, but maybe all you can feel is your own pain.
It’s sad that most people’s happiness on this comment thread lies in the breaking up of a family and helping decieve someone.
RG: you have said everything on my mind in perfect words!! Amen!
Let’s hope for a better world where ladies (and guys) won’t participate in these affairs with married people!
So it’s always the OW’s fault? How convenient. I’m not saying she’s blameless, but it’s the guy who started sniffing around her first and talk till you are blue in the face, nothing changes my opinion on that matter.
I have to agree with Outergirl. This has been my one and only foray into being the OW, because I met, was pursued relentlessly for six months by a man who (by his own admission), had never been faithful to his wife, in all of their 12 year relationship. I stupidly thought I was the exception; the woman who had at last captured his heart as he had captured mine. I can see now what a total fool I was, but at the time, his words, his declarations of love seemed absolutely sincere. In retrospect, it was the chase he loved….and has done since he was a teenager. I take full responsibility for the part I played in our ‘relationship’, and while I was living at the other end of the country his wife didn’t seem like a real person; just a girl in a photograph on facebook who we rarely talked about. It wasn’t until I moved closer that she became real, which was when I started to face up to the reality of what I was doing to her and their children. Not nice.
I feel dreadful that I have played my part in this deception, but my point is that the MM flirted, romanced, chased down and pursued me. I should have stood my ground, but I fell for him hook, line and sinker…..but I fell for HIM, not the fact he was married.
This goes back to the Victorian double standard whereby men were believed to have lustful animal natures, which women had to control by being pure. If they “sinned”, the woman was made to suffer for it. Even today this lingers on, all the abusive words for women based on sexual behaviour. None for men.
I think anyone who has been hurt deserves sympathy, which isn’t to say that at some point they do need to have a good look at how it happened, who else was involved, and accept responsibilty for their own actions, if nothing else to avoid making the same mistake again.
I am really glad to be free of it, and I no longer care too much what anyone else thinks. He on the other hand is likely pursuing some other woman behind his wifes back.
Of course not! No one is saying that it is. The man is the biggest fraud in this entire ‘heist’. But one party knows about it, and the other doesn’t. Even a man is chasing you, you are responding to it. That’s how the affair is happening.
The comments above are more from the persepctive after reading all the comments above about how it’s so wrong that the man didn’t leave his wife for me. I’m a poor little girl.” A sense of “How could he do this to me?” which is not fair.
If an employee from a bank plans a robbery with an accomplice on the outside..doesn’t make the accomplice any less of a robber than the employee himself.
Interesting example, because actually under criminal law they are NOT in the same position. The employee is in a “position of trust” therefore would get a heavier sentence, due to their breach of trust, all other things being equal. But your posts focussed the blame and resentment very much on the OW barely mentioned the man.
My post was a small portion of my thoughts, not an attempt to write my entire ideology on people who cheat. Just like all the ‘other women’ here only talk of their pain and barely on the repercussions of their actions on the wife and children of these men. Me barely mentioning the man doesn’t mean I believe he is not to blame. Emotions are running high while we read these posts and it’s natural to think from your own perspective depending on which side you come from. Sometimes both parties are hurt and sometimes only one. Hope my comments have not offended you.
. Peace. Let’s take the positives from what’s being said in the article, instead of trying to prove our point to seek validation for our behaviour.
RG: i agree with what you said. Very well worded!
I do not mean that it is only the woman’s fault. I think both parties are responsible. Both are consenting adults who KNOW that the affair is damaging the marriage, and that it is very unfair to the wife.
As RG said, I think that it would be nice if the OW on this site would try their very best to see this situation from the wife’s point of view. Imagine that you are married and that your husband is seeing someone else….
Josie,
Have you read Natalie’s book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl? If not, I would say that should be the first thing on your agenda. While, you are waiting to get the book in your hands, I would strongly suggest that you block him from your land line AND your cell phone, so that he can neither call or text you. You need to be the one to take over control and prevent him from being able to rope you back in. The great thing I loved about doing this is that should you weaken, the block works both ways so that you can’t call or text him. While things are quiet and you have peace, do all you can to work yourself out of obsessing about him. Don’t allow yourself to wonder how he’s doing or what he’s doing. Make it all about YOU. He is GONE. You are FREE. Be happy that you woke up and don’t ever, ever, ever put your self in that situation or anything similar like that again. It won’t work, you’ll feel like sh*t, and it is hard as hell to get over it and back to normal. Good luck.
I have ordered Natalie’s book and will be standing by my letterbox monday to get it into my grubby little hands! xx
Good for you Josie. I got the first edition as well as the 2nd and I’m on my second re-read. Every time I re-read Natalie’s books and posts, I discover something new about me. It’s like she knows me and we’ve never met. I can hardly wait for you to get your grubby paws on her book. Keep us posted?
RG,
BRAVO! it’s the truth. i was once pursued by a MM(didn’t know he was married – took his ring off & lied – well, never really lied – was very “gray” about his life) – of course now i would see the signs…um…maybe…ha. well, he would e-mail all this future-faking stuff from his work e-mail(red flag). lo & behold, one day i get an e-mail from a woman with the same last name as him. she was reading his work e-mails. told me he was married & that he was lying to me. needless to say we joined forces & called and end to his ridiculousness. my point being – i put myself in her shoes – i would have been DEVASTED. what ever happened to the golden rule here! if he is cheating on his wife, girlfriend, whatever – it is no prize you have won. this speaks very loudly about his character. and, why would you do to someone something that would destroy you – if the tables were turned. i just cannot feel sorry for someone that goes into a situation knowing this information. “and in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.” the Beatles!
Stella,
Did she divorce him?
hey allison. OF COURSE NOT. about 6 months later she calls me – begging me to call him(yeah, i about fell over) & tell him i had met someone else that i was in love with. i asked her, “are you sure about this?” she stated ever since whatever he was doing with me ended – he is so distant toward her & she knows he is thinking about me. i told her i was very sorry & that if she was sure i would call & tell him this(even though it wasn’t true…ha). my problem was that we had not spoken since he was busted by the two of us. quite frankly i didn’t want to talk to the creep – but, i did it for her. so, i called him and he tried to “weasel” his way back in. i reiterated i was in love with someone else. promptly called her and let her know that i didn’t want to be involed with speaking with either one of them anymore. he’s her problem….poor thing.
Stella,
Oh Lord!!!
Why do we (women) value ourselves so little!
I admire you for doing that Stella! And atleast you didn’t know he was married. Please don’t bother being in touch with this creep. His wife has to acknowledge that the moment he tried stepping out of their marriage, it was broken anyway. So even if he stayed with her, it doesn’t change him as a person. I am very young, 22, and was cheated on by my long-distance boyfriend, which seems so trivial in comparison to so many stories I see here. In my case, the other girl knew everything and still did it, after I caught them out, had the guts to tell me that I was his ‘friends with benefits’. Talk about having illusions. What she didn’t know was that we had been playing hooky on skype throughout, and the same messages were sent to me which he claimed to only send her. When I told her of this, she blamed me for “separating them”. Talk about being selfish!
But I give her the least importance now, of course there are the jealous, immature times but they pass. The fact is that my bf betrayed me, not her, and regardless of whether he chose her or me, my relationship and trust stands broken. I now concentrate only on letting go of the anger and hurt, as that’s what will be best for me. As for them, what goes around hopefully shall come around very soon.
Thanks everyone.
Natalie, I just clicked the link to your post from April 2011 “Do We Really Need to Forgive” (brilliant) and read the comments, including mine. This has been a wonderful, painful, and heartbreaking journey. I can see last April that I could see the goal, forgiving me, but wasn’t anywhere near it. I may be closer as April 2012 approaches? You are a saint. Thank you for all you do and for your patience as we struggle through. This site has allowed me to work through so much anger. Thank you.
Ladies and gents, click on the “forgiveness” link.
Nat,
Thanks for this great article. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted on here, but lots of good things are going on. After 4yrs of the fantasy relationship or whatever it was, along with the disappointments I had with the MM, I’m finally on the road to recovery focusing on me. Yesterday was 30 days No Contact for me!! That’s a first. I started attending Love addict meetings in addition to meeting with a counselor. I’m doing lots of reading and focusing on me and why it is I even got myself into this predicament with a MM. At first I thought, I don’t belong in a group about love addicts but after my first meeting, I realized I very much needed to be there. Lots of the women in the group had similar experiences as myself. I was looking for someone to rescue me, someone to fill the void of that ‘father figure’ I never had. I still miss him and think of him but it’s getting better as time goes by. I realize that what I miss are the qualities I projected onto him…not the man he was in reality. I miss the man I wanted him to be – caring and thoughtful of my feelings…not the married man who disguarded me (or took what was on tap) at his convenience. I am better than that and deserve better. We all do. Thank you for this site and bringing all of us together. For those of you who may be reading this and hurting, please know there is hope. It will get better with time and no contact.
Hey Complicated,
Congratulations on 30 days NC. That’s excellent. Do whatever it takes to get through. Natalie’s post regarding the anatomy of an affair, being double crossed in a heist, and what it means for and about the OW has been enlightening for me.
It’s good to hear that there are lots of good things going on for you. Stay focused and keep up the good work on you.
Did you hear, Natalie has a new book coming out!
after two years of not seeing him, after a year i’ve blocked my number and went no contact with him, yesterday, we arranged to meet..,and we met,,i do not know wth i was thinking,,, i’ve heard he has a new gf, for a year already, and they are living together,..what did i think it would happen? that it will not hurt me to hear about his gf? that he will suddenly realize it is me he loves…? how could i disregard everything i know, and agree to see him, telling myself it’s gonna be just a friendly chat…believing him, that he just wants to see me and hear what was going on with my life…but, then of course, we started kissing and he wanted me so much and blah blah,..it is a small comfort i’ve managed to say no and insist i that i am not gonna demote myself to a booty call..i’ve told him that i do not want to sleep with a guy who has a gf,,.i am still sooo angry with myself that i blew up1 year effort of nc into a thin air…and even though i ultimately said no last night, i woke up this morning miserable and yearning for him…and i have no idea, what to do and how to help myself
I can hear how sorry and torn up you are over all of this. Please don’t beat yourself up. Yes, you know you made a mistake. Yes, you know he’s bad news. Yes, you know you knew better than to be in contact with him. Fine. Stop beating yourself up and get back on that No Contact wagon. The only way you’ve “wasted” that year effort and the only way all your hard work will have been for nothing, is if you DON’T get back on that wagon. Don’t believe the lie that “you’ve fallen so you might as well keep contacting him now” and don’t believe the lie that you haven’t really made progress and grown as a person. You HAVE grown–you told him no when before you would have told him yes. And now you realize that you’re human; too human to be in contact with him without violating your boundaries. Learn from the mistake; be kind to yourself; and get back on that wagon!!!
)
Hope, I’ve put my hand back in the fire again and again too. I totally understand how you want the guy to own up. Only we get the opposite. So, your guy is involved with another woman and kissing you and wants you so much? Yuck, total Yuck and FLUSH.
My exMM always said “we belonged together”. When I got a clue, I asked him if we belonged together, why weren’t we together? Cyberspace didn’t have enough space for him to answer that simple question.
Here’s how you move on: 1) NC, totally. 2) Focus on YOU; 3) Scream, Yell, Howl, but don’t contact him. 4) Post on BR about how angry you are that you’ve been betrayed by a lying cheating MM. 5) Do NOT email him to tell him that he is a lying, cheating lower than life scum bucket and has caused you to doubt yourself. 6) Scream, howl, and get it out…but don’t go back. 6) Read BR and everything related to self-esteem. 7) Scream some more.
I very recently saw the ex-MM with another woman. I can’t say that I am suprised, but I am still devastated. Just seeing it with my own eyes . . . . It validates my decision to leave him, and I am so thankful that I never slept with him. But, I thought I was special and this means that I wasn’t. I guess deep down I knew that all along. It’s been over a year and I’m still not over this. What can I do to get on with my life. The next few days are going to be very difficult. I am friends with him and his wife and mutual friends on a social network site. So I can’t unfriend him, but should I just deactivate my account? It’s the last remaining contact. I need advice. Please help me.
Why don’t they ever leave? I am younger, hotter, more ambitious, more intelligent, classier, sexier, and just all around better than the stupid f***Cker’s wife. Makes NO sense. I do feel that he conned me. He knew I didn’t know what I was getting in to and knew I was incredibly naive about men.
doesn’t seem like you used your intelligence to stay away though, nor to learn about men and dating rule number one should be if he is not single and free to be with you stay away far away….
But you knew he was married, right?
The reason they don’t leave is because they prefer to be where they are. They are comfortable in their nice family home, with their wife and kids, joint savings account, and their family life. Why would he leave all that behind, just in order to have sex with you? Which he was able to do anyway, without leaving.
Sneering at his wife is in poor taste too.
I am younger, hotter, more ambitious, more intelligent, classier, sexier, and just all around better than the stupid f***Cker’s wife. Makes NO sense.
I agree with Mymble. Why buy the cow when you can drink the milk for FREE. He didn’t have to be in a relationship with you to collect all the benefits you offer. He was getting them for free anyway.
He’s MARRIED
MARRIED
MARRIED
MARRIED
MARRIED x 1000
How could he con you, if you knew he was married????
Classy? The classy move would’ve been to ever-so-classily tell him to go fuck himself when he tried to get with you. End of.
thank u both rosenfire and runner girl…just for the record, not that it changes much: we were once together, before he started breakin’ up with me… it was like, he didn’t want to be me, but he also didn’t want to leave me alone. as nat would call it, your typical flip flopper… it went on and on, until i couldn’t take it anymore and had to change my number because he was driving me mad…we were nc for a year until now..
but i guess despite that, it is i ,that haven’t moved on..and what is killing me now, is that he did.. i am all alone, and he’s gotten himself a gf,,that he loves!!!!
it’s pathetic, though- that as he was telling me about his new gf, how they’re good together, and how he’s planing a trip together for her bd, -at the same time he was trying to get me to sleep with him, one more time, just because he wants it so much…i told him, go home to yr gf and sleep with her, i told him you choose to be with her not with me, so f off to your future and he says, ha ha get this- i can not imagine never ever sleeping with u again (duh, hello i’ve said for the 10th time that evening i am not sleeping with a guy who is with somebody else) … i will go nc again, technically i have no trouble to do it again.i never contacted him first anyways..i haven’t given him my new number either… and i don’t think he would bother me at work…email, i could block him easy…the problems is- how to forget him and not think about him and how he’s building new life w/his gf..the problem is how to stop focusing on him and really move on…i guess that i also have to figure out what’s wrong with me that the only men that sniff around me are ones that want to screw behind their gf/wife’s backs…BR is great help,,thanks to it, i still hope not all men are dogs and there is a guy somewhere, out there, who will really love me..hugs to u all
“how to forget him and not think about him and how he’s building new life w/his gf.”
This is how you forget! This creep is attempting to screw around on the gf that he claims to love. This guy cannot be trusted!!!! Do you want to waste more energy on a man who is incapable of being faithful?
No prize here!
ps. rosenfire thanx for telling me not to beat myself up…and runner girl- i am screaming
daisy, without a hint of a doubt: deactivate your account, start from there
You all were right he wanted to fly in or was in town (couldn’t tell, it was one of those flirtatious texts) for a booty call. He has tons of money, price is no object. When I told him I had plans, he asked if he could take my mother to dinner. When I asked him why, it was because he has spoken to her, but never had the chance to meet her. He wants the three of us to go to dinner sometime. I cannot make heads or tails out of that one, That is just plain nuts. Why is he trying to win over my mom? I am this close to telling him off, but you are all right NC is best.
Nothing good comes out from anything bad,a hard lesson I had to learn in my own case. I’ve known my EUM for eight yrs,we were friends initially,we had the same friends and our family even knew eachother. Perfect except 4 dat little snag,he had a Gf. I will admit dat d first time I was out to av a good time but I stopped it after a very short while cos it didn’t feel right n I was so guilty( we didn’t av sex only heavy petting n hangin out at his place). Then a while later,he ends things with her,we started talkin again n before I knew it our mutual friend informs me to stop callin him cos he was now in a new relationship. I felt bad but I chucked it up to everyone had deir life to lead. Throught d next year,he called me n came to see me once in a while. I never called him back n made sure things were plactonic. Then his dad dies,I call him to offer my condolences,he comes to see me,tells me he would never disappoint me again,he would always please me n make me happy. His relationship was a scam,he d only asked her out cos something had happened btw dem n he felt he owed her something. Foolishly,I assumed he was gonna break up with her. I even travelled for his dad’s burial. And so began an affair dat was tasking with me waitin n waitin thinkin if I just loved him more,acted nice, never really complained,he would decide I was worthy of his time. He caused me so much pain,pulled disappearin acts,came back n a apologised sincerely each time sayin it was not his fault n dat she won’t let him go n dat he might av to involve his family. Each time I fell for it cos I loved him so much,I wanted to believe in him,wanted to be d exception n he just kept breakin me,takin away a crucial part of me n leavin me in d lurch without lookin back( his gf was in my own class,I hated her n hated myself cos I felt I was not good enough or as beautiful. Truth be told iv been told I’m actually very goodlooking but dese guys av a way of makin u feel like nothin). Each time I went NC on him claimin I had enough,he would come back just wen I was movin on. It was like I had no sense wen it came to him. The fourth n last one was d last straw,I practically lost my dignity. He told me they were practically broken up,we were together for four months,I saw no sign if her( he came back at a crucial point in my life wen I was goin through…
I had an affair with MM for a year and a half. I came across BR about 7 months into the affair. I paid close attention to every article and to the relationship I was in. I realized everything he said was a lie and the articles were giving me the strength to end it. It took some time for me let go because I did truly love him but saw that his love for me was only sexual and only words.
I finally got tired if the lip service and feeling terrible everyday about what I was doing. I did end it. Heartbroken and feeling empty but it had to be done. I waited three months then I called his wife and confessed to her. Many say it’s the wrong thing to do and it wasn’t about revenge or wanting him anymore. It was a path I took to make myself whole again. I could not sleep at night knowing what I did and had to confess it to feel better about myself. I don’t feel bad about telling her because I did not do it to personally hurt her. I have no responsibility to her, he did. Everyone says to forget “them” and get back to thinking about you. If we continue to let them hurt us and slide by without any consequences of the things they do and say to us, doesn’t that make us just as bad. If you knew someone was a thief do you let it go? If you know someone is harming others do you let it go? What would that say for us? Yes you can turn my life upside down and break my heart and get away without a scratch and go out and do it all over again? Absolutely not.
I told her, and I feel so much better about myself since I did. I stopped crying, and am able to sleep now.
Hi Lilly
Thank you for being so brave enough to share; I can’t say that I agree with what you have done, but I am sure you thought long and hard before making that type of decision. I don’t believe that what you did was right for anyone except yourself, especially not for the wife of the man you had the affair with, or their children (if they have any). She is totally innocent, and I don’t believe she deserves to have had her life shattered by being told that you have been involved with her husband. I am an ex-mistress of a MM and there are times when I am haunted by his wife, what she looks like, the life she has with him, the years they have had together and everything they have shared….BUT that is the consequence of CHOOSING to have an affair with someone else’s husband. She did not choose for him to have the affair with me, and deserves to be left alone to enjoy the life she has with him until such a time as the true nature of his character is revealed…which lets face it, if he is clever enough, may be never. But blowing a hole in her life so you can sleep at night is not the answer. You and I are free of the relationship and, given time, will heal from the effects of playing with fire and getting our fingers burned. All his wife is guilty of is falling in love, and marrying a man who cheats on her, lies and betrays her trust every time he gets into bed with another woman.
The wife of the man I was involved with clearly adores him, and his two children clearly worship him……why would I want to be responsible for changing that? The responsibility for the way we, as ex-mistresses behave lies solely with us….and the consequences of our deception is that we lose sleep for a time, feel guilty until we learn to forgive ourselves for making the mistake of falling in love with a married man. Personally I think its a small price to pay; we have paid the price. The wife is not so lucky is she??
I’m quite shocked at how many women will get involved with married or attached guys. They say there’s nothing more attractive than a guy with a wedding ring. O.K guys aren’t always truthful, but if you get involved and then find out, you have to finish it.
It’s not a game there are people’s lives and future’s at stake here. It’s not about who ‘wins’- the guys a loser and would do the same TO you if he does it WITH you!
How could you ever trust him anyway?
NML is everyone actually worth better though? I know that’s the line to OW- you deserve more than crumbs, you deserve to be happy etc etc. but do they? Does Mia’s husband and OW deserve happiness after inflicting such pain? I don’t think so. I think some people do cruel things and they deserve pain as a result. I am glad to see OW suffer when they are dumped and I don’t think they deserve better, I think they deserve to be dumped by everyone in their lives until they are completely alone. Tht way they won’t hurt anyone else and they will be properly punished for the pain they’ve inflicted.
It’s such a copout to say they feel guilt and remorse and become better people- who says? And at whose expense? No pain is enough. They don’t deserve love having interfered with another woman’s love.
I think to describe Other women as cruel and deserving of pain because of what they are inflicting on the wife or girlfriend shows little insight or empathy. Yes, the partner of the MM doesn’t deserve to be mistreated in their relationship but that relationship is about them and their husband. The other woman isn’t responsible for that relationship or damaging it. It is the two people in the relationship who do that. Other women will often be attracted to married men precisely because they are unavailable and they get that high of being granted crumbs from the situation. Which we knows leads to a cycle of pain. I think if you asked most women who have been in a situation of being the other woman most of them are not cruel, uncaring and deserving of pain. They are emotionally unavailable people looking seeking a healthy relationship in all the wrong places. They don’t want to hurt another woman deliberately. They often won’t know the wife or have ever seen her. And their actions won’t be about the wife at all.
Polly,
No. They simply don’t care. It is self-serving.
I’m sorry, but cheating is a selfish act. and both MM and OW are equally responsible.
The kids are rarely mentioned: the emotional damage from an affair is life long for a child and creates serious trust and intimacy issues.
Hi Allison,
Yes of course affairs cause damage to all around including the children. I’m not defending other women at all. I am just saying that they are often not uncaring people and to write them all off as deserving of everything they get is very harsh indeed. Reading all the posts and comments on here from women who have chosen to have affairs and the reasons for it for me illustrates this. It isn’t that black and white for me.
I applaud Lilly for what she did. The OW has already interfered with the relationship by having the affair. Giving the wife the information to manager her own choices is really the least you can do. Yes she will be devastated. But ignorance is not bliss, it is powerlessness. She has already been stripped of all power during the affair, she deserves to control her own life.
I have been there and done that. Preparing to end something that I thought was so beautiful and pure because he lied in the beginning, saying he would take care of his divorce. He and she live in separate states. I know he loves me as he had done so much for me but she holds on to him by the balls.
Everything I read for the other woman, is always so self-centered, and self-absorbed. Engaging with someone’s husband is Wrong. It’s Wrong to assist in the break-up of his wife’s marriage and family home. It’s a really terrible thing to do to his wife and children whether you give a **** about them or not. You are in a “triangle”, there is someone else in that “relationship” that is being deceived and betrayed by him and you.
These articles confirm the feelings of a distraught, suicidal, betrayed wife who struggles to understand why this “other woman” did something so purposely hurtful to her. His wife wonders “what did I do to this woman to deserve this?” The betrayed wife wonders how anyone could be so cold-hearted, cruel, SELF-ABSORBED, SELF-CENTERED, and SELFISH. The other woman cares only about herself, and to the extreme level that she is capable and willing to destroy another human-being, and possibly children, to get what she believes she wants- another woman’s husband.
Karen, I’m not an OW but I have to reply. As angry and hurt as you or any spouse deserves to feel, there are only 2 people in the marriage. If one of them steps out on the other, they are breaking the vow. The other woman/man may be guilty of poor judgment but she/he is not guilty of breaking a vow nor responsible for a cheater’s cheating. If he she wasn’t the OW/OM, it would just be someone else. You said yourself “You are in a “triangle”, there is someone else in that “relationship” that is being deceived and betrayed by him and you.” “Him,” in your sentiments seems to have been minimized.
I suggest you direct your upset at the only people in the triangle who have actually made a commitment to the marriage before blaming a third party who may or may not know the truth of the marriage. The cheater may have spun things in a way that does provide some absolution for the other party’s choices. Or maybe not, either way the spouse is the cheater and where the problem really lies. I don’t believe it serves a purpose to blame someone outside the marriage for one of the partner’s choices within it.
I just want to add that the stock and trade of ACs and EUs, whether married or not, is self-centered deception. They use it to ply all their victims, including the OW/OM as well as spouse. Everyone who is being taken in by their BS is being used by the apex of your “triangle.”. Maybe not equally in your book but, perhaps, you can have some compassion. You believed his lies, right? Who knows what he was telling the OW about his situation. HE was/is the crux of the problem. In current vernacular, please stop hating on the OW to allow yourself to cut an AC user slack.
I’m new here. Hope someone will read this because I really have a lot to get off my chest. I’ve been involved with a MM for over a year. He pursued me. He said he’s never done this before and in the beginning, had a lot of trouble with guilt … but he continued to see me. Honestly, the sex between us is wild and explosive, still. I am very adventerous sexually and all the men I’ve ever been with in my life have become addicted to that part of me. He tells me that while the sex is fantastic and I’m the best lover he’s ever had, it’s not about the sex. He claims he loves me, but I remember him telling me once that after his father died a few years ago, he made it a point to tell everyone he loves them so I really doubt the sincerity of it.
He is over 50 with kids grown and out of the house. His wife drinks a lot, but he won’t call her an alcoholic. She’s even been physically abusive at times. She is a BIG woman. They have a lot of friends though and he’s afraid to leave her. He’s afraid of change, afraid of looking like the bad guy and afraid of hurting people. He says he loves her though. Once, he told me he would never leave her for me and that he thought of me as his “contingency” plan. At first when he said that, I was flattered like an idiot. He was pleasantly surprised I wasn’t angry. Now I’m wondering if I should be.
He’s said that I make his marriage better because now he isn’t so hurt by his wife’s rejection of him and her emotional frigidity. It’s like I make his bad marriage tolerable enough that he can stay in it comfortably now.
I am crazy about him. I wear my heart on my sleeve so I show it. I shower him with attention, praise and affection and he laps it all up, but he doesn’t return it … at least not to the degree I give it. It seems like he does things to keep me going so I will still be in is life. He gives just enough.
I have to say that I am married as well, but I’m in an emotionally abusive marriage. I have no feelings at all for my husband and we’ve talked about divorce. We have one child left at home who is almost finished with school and I don’t know what will happen then. The idea of spending the rest of my life alone with him makes me sick. All of my friends and my mother too urge me to leave. Even our kids want me to leave him. MM knows all of this as I’ve cried on his shoulder many times, confided in him and asked his advice. MM is the ONLY one who wants me to stay married. Why?? I don’t get it. He’s met my kids and he adores them and they just love him. He has a strained relationship with his children so I think he kind of sees my kids as honorary kids of his if that makes sense. He’s spent time with them alone without me even.
In some ways, he fills needs in my life too, but I feel that most of the time, I’m at the bottom of his list. He’s got an incredible ability to compartmentalize things. A month or so ago, an old boyfriend looked me up and MM was slightly jealous about it or so he said. I just don’t know how much I can believe of what he says.
He once told me that he’d never leave his wife for me, but he often tells me that he believes we will be together “some day.” When I question him on how he thinks that’s going to happen, he says he doesn’t know what God has in store for us but that he feels God brought us together for a reason. Then he’ll tell me that he’s proud of himself for not stringing me along with a bunch of empty promises like some guys would. He said he thinks a lot of guys in his position wouldn’t be able to handle the guilt and would walk away from the relationship altogether. I wanted to say, “But don’t you think maybe some would leave to be with me? Do you think no one would find me worth that?”
All of these things just make me think it’s all about the sex. He told me that what initially attracted him to me was how affectionate I am and that’s true. I am a very affectionate person. I give hugs to people easily and I always try to be encouraging of others.
Sometimes I think I should leave him, but then what will I have? A very empty, painful life with a man I do not love and who does not love me. If I stay with MM, I’m going to have different kinds of pain, but I will also have moments of pleasure. My current plan is to stay with him until my youngest is finished with school and then leave them both.
These thoughts have been spinning around in my head for months like dogs chasing their tails. It feels good to finally get them out and I look forward to anyone’s response who can give me some perspective. I am so tired of FEELING.