Gaynor asks: Why is it that emotionally unavailable men/assclowns are unable to let go of or return to the ex wives?
My former assclown has been divorced for over five years and is choosing not to move on from his previous life. They have two adult children (one still in college) and continue to get together for family events (every other month) and all holidays events. This is the reason we broke up: he refuses to include me in these events and would not cut the ex out for the sake of the kids. I also found out that he continues to do her annual taxes.
He claims he had been hurt very much in the marriage and rejected repeatedly but continues not to move on with his life. The ex had asked for a reconciliation a year back but he refused. I don’t understand this?
He claimed to have loved me and told me that we were working towards a relationship but with typical assclown behavior he never came through. All words, no action!!!!
Please explain why they just don’t return to the ex if they’re not over them?NML says: The reason why they can’t let go is because they can’t commit to being with you and they can’t commit to not being with you.
They are commitment shy in every sense of the word, fickle, attention seeking, egotistical, and yes, sometimes overgrown babies.
Your guy does not want to make a decision and really, he might as well have stayed married.
As long as he does nothing and remains in limbo, he can convince himself that he is the injured party, that she is a ‘bitch’ or whatever he thinks of her, and that he wants you but the ‘timing’ just isn’t right or whatever.
Having conflicting words and actions is what Mr Unavailables and assclowns are all about. They don’t know how to be honest and they don’t want to clue you in because they’re very disconnected from themselves but also because they don’t know what they want.
They want the best of both worlds where they avoid responsibility.
He doesn’t want you, he doesn’t want her, but he does want attention from you both. Whatever he’s doing, he doesn’t want to see himself in a real light or be responsible to either of you.
This isn’t actually the main issue here though. If a man is separated but doesn’t get divorced, or is divorced but is still intrinsically tied to the previous relationship, he is not available for a new relationship because he is tied to the previous one, marriage or no marriage, which means that he is useless to you.
He’s been like this for five years so he has shown you who he is which means you need to take action instead of expecting him to. You have all of the information you need.
He doesn’t want to move on, so you need to move.
I should add that as women, we love burning up brain energy projecting what we think we would or should do if we were him in the situation. We work out logically that if he doesn’t want us, then he must want her, or that if he won’t move on after ending the relationship, he must want her.
How about he just doesn’t want to do anything?
If you were emotionally unavailable and had the opportunity to dodge commitment to anything, a wife asking you back who you could turn down and then you could have your ego massaged for the next year, safe in the knowledge that the ex-wife wants your ass back, and a girlfriend who has been party to the farce for the past five years still hanging on in there massaging your ego and letting you think you’ve got a big ‘ole cake and you can eat it too, would you feel the impetus to be any different?
There is no point over-thinking it. We have an innate desire to attach an ‘acceptable’ reason for someone’s behaviour when actually, often it is what it is, and really, the least of your concerns is why he’s not doing something that has got nothing to do with you.
Once you realise that a guy is useless to you and the relationship, he’s useless. Thinking about the whys and hows of it doesn’t change these facts. It’s called buying time.
You are not his mother, his unpaid therapist, or his rescuer. You’re the woman he didn’t appreciate enough to get his sh*t together because his head is too far up his backside wallowing in misery that he actually wants to stay in because being different seems a damn sight more scary for him.
It is a shame that we don’t apply the same logic to ourselves because if we can be logical enough to work out what they should do, why can’t we work out and do what we should do? There goes that avoidance again…
Emotionally unavailable men don’t do anything because they have women around them that don’t do anything either. The only way to remedy these situations is to be a doer, not a woman prone to Women Who Talk (and Think) Too Much.
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Gaynor – this guy isn’t changing anything because he is comfortable. He is satisfied with where he is in life. He is satisfied with his relationship with his kids, he is satisfied with his ex-wife in his life, and he is happy with you and life in general.
Change is measured in pain. It takes a strong reason to overcome resistance to change. What drives people into the responsibilities and rewards of a life-mating is hunger, hunger for something more – a deeper bond.
Sex, communication, time spend together, and other shared activities do not make a relationship. They strengthen bonds, they encourage understanding and enrich lives.
This guy isn’t hungry. It is possible that you could manipulate him, become an imposing force that breaks up his self-satisfied little bubble and makes him choose to change for you or for her – but not if you respect your self, and not if you respect him. And you cannot build a relationship without respect.
He is happy where he is. Wish him well, and look for someone hungry for something more in their life – like a life mate.
Thank you for the feedback, it was quite accurate.
Let me clarify a few things. The honeymoon phase of the relationship lasted for about six-months, and the cold/hot period lasted three-months. I broke up with this man this past May. The five-year period was the time he has been divorced form the ex-wife. Lord, I couldn’t imagine sticking around for five-years of this nonsense, three-months was enough.
NML and Brad you’re are correct, he had everything right where he wanted it, that’s in the world of no responsibility. I just needed some understanding so that I never get into this type of relationship again
Thanks
Hi, this is a great article. The EUM I am seeing seems to have a permanent attachment to his ex-girlfriend. She has totally moved on and he acts like she was the one who got away – however, he couldnt commit when they were together (for 6 years). He is the same with me. This could be his theme-song: “They want the best of both worlds where they avoid responsibility.”
That is the bottom line every time. No responsibility, period.
But after all this dissing and name-calling I’ve done with this guy, I have realized that I am Emotionally Unavailable too. That is why we stay together. That is why we are stuck where we are.
Here is another quote from you: “How about he just doesn’t want to do anything?” PING! Another gem. Both he and I dont want to do anything.
Am I happy with this? No, not really. But the thought of putting forth an effort and being responsible doesnt sound good either. In reading about his emotional unavailability, I have uncovered my own!
Keep on writing NML, I’ll keep on reading. I’ve got some thinking to do.
It continues to amaze me how much alike all these EUMs are that we talk about on this site! My ex-EUM has a “friend” that he has known for over 10 years. They were “roommates” sharing an apartment together when I first got to know him. At one point, I asked him if he loved her, and he answered, “I love her, but I don’t know if I am in love with her, but I keep thinking she is someone I am supposed to be with.” WTF? I couldn’t even figure out what that meant! Anyway, to this day he continues to have contact with her periodically as a “friend”, and I figured out that he has her in his life as a “buffer” so he can bring her up and talk about her to any woman he is dating so he can convey the message that he is “sort of” in a relationship, and then he doesn’t have to fully commit to anyone. Talk about no responsibility……
FOI,
Absolutely, it’s another excuse not to move on!
Gosh another great article and so on the money.
I swear I love this website. THANK YOU! I have been in a “sort of” relationship that’s hot/cold/on again/off again for the last two years. I keep ending things between us because he won’t even commit to “dating” let alone anything else. However, I realize I haven’t been wanting a serious relationship, so I have allowed this to continue for way too long. Although I do have feelings for him, so I keep reading things into his actions thinking it means he “cares” and wants me around, which I am no longer doing. I realize he is an assclown and not worth my time, attention, or energy. Thank god I found this website…I knew things were screwed up with him as well as myself (which is why I kept staying), so this website has really helped clarify why I was staying and will give me insight into future relationships.
I found this extemely interestng because I have been wondering if my ex lover is an assclown or not.
You see..I am the ex girlfriend in this sitution. I am still working for him but the job was only susposed to be temporary. I was susposed to build a few websites, do some marketing and that is it. But I am still working for him. He keeps finding more stuff for me to do.
It is not only him that can’t let go though, it is me too. I enjoy working for him because he uses my hard won computer skills in an oversaturated market. I like the extra money and I live below poverty level on disablitity so I need the extra money. And this job allows me to work from home.
But I have been unable to do NC. Also I have an uneasy feeling that this by default makes me a fallback girl….because here I am still around, still wanting him deep down. Still having feelings…it is just a set up for if it doesnt work out with him and her.
Maybe he doesn’t intend for me to be the fallback girl..but it kinda does put me in that potential position.
Is the work necessary? Also, does the conversation go beyond professional?
WOW!!!! This post has really hit home. NML you are so on the money about these guys…You are so right about the reason why they won’t commit is because they don’t know what they want and they are scared sh..tless of commitment.
I’ve been NC for over a month (YEAH) with a man I was involved with for 2 years. I wish I would have found this site sooner, but it has helped me immensely. I’m also in therapy and that is helping too. It is so difficult to see it so clearly while involved and to own up to the fact that I’m THE ONE WITH THE BIGGER problem for sticking around with a man who won’t, can’t, doesn’t want to, isn’t capable, is too damaged or whatever HIS problem is. I still go through some withdrawls from the situation, but I know that each day it gets a little easier…Ladies…I have a few quotes to help get you through…even if you failed at NC many times before, just believe that you can do…
“YOU BECOME A CHAMPION BY FIGHTING ONE MORE ROUND. WHEN THINGS GET TOUGH, YOU FIGHT ONE MORE ROUND.” (James Corbett)…”Believe in your beliefs and doubt your doubts.” (FF Bosworth)…and “The successful person makes a habit of doing what the failing person doesn’t like to do.” (Thomas Edison)
Keep you heads up ladies (and gents on here)…WE CAN DO IT!!!!
Gaynor, what did his cold/hot period look like? Did he start to call less, not making time, disappearing for weeks?
What made you finally break up with him? Did you tell him it is over or did you just cut contact with him?
The second round of the relationship was pretty consistent with the whole Assclown behavior . He would typically call four times a week but we only saw one another once a month-very different from the initial courting stage, and I had become a low-priority. After we would get together-may have been some physical contact-I would not hear from him for 3-4 days , and he would be very distant (cold period). The walls were back up! Big Time!!!!! Whenever he felt that I was backing away or not interested, I would hear the old I love you and he would become much more attentive to my needs, until he felt I was in his grasp once again (hot period).
What made me finally end this foolishness was after we were together last. Unfortunately, I slept with him that night, this was the first time since our initial break up-earlier that evening he told me we were working towards a relationship, he just had to get the job situation worked out-after we had finished he told me he wasn’t certain about his feelings but that we working towards a commitment. HUH?????? That was it, it was time for stupid (ME) to wake up to reality!!!!
The last time he called I told him I couldn’t do it anymore, it was too painful. This situation was a complete waste of time and emotion, I am especially hurt due to the fact that this man was my “friend” prior to the relationship.
Gaynor, you saw him once a month? Does the sentence :”I have a lot going on right now ” sound familiar? You got together when he wanted to?
What was his response when you told him you can’t do this anymore? Have you heard from him?
I didn’t pressure him to get together b/c I really didn’t know what was going on relationship wise. Yes, he was ultimately in control about when we got together, for instance he would not settle on a date immediately but would get back in a day or two. Wow, that made me feel important!
He was not happy with the information but said he understood my position. When we were ending the conversation he was a bit abrupt but who cares.
Three months later, he learned through a friend that I got a new position and sent me an e-mail (typically assclown) wishing me congratulations. I did not respond and haven’t heard anything since.
Gaynor, you know, getting back to you in a day or two about setting a date, makes you feel like you filled an open timeslot. We are all busy, but nobody is that busy!!
I am so glad to hear that you did not respond to him, this will save you from further heartache, because if he “sucks” you back in the whole cycle starts over.
I just noticed, what do you mean by “second round of the relationship”? Did you break up and got back together again?
After how many months or weeks?
I know a woman who has been jerking a guy around for years doing just this to him. Everything NML says about men in this case can apply to women as well. Disconnected even to themselves is so true. Straddling the fence, being just fine with having their cake and eating it too, seeing themselves as victims, really having very little if any conscinece for the devastation their lies and deceit put others through because it’s really just always about them and their indecision. Ugh.
Astelle, what is your situation?
We mutually broke up last year as he was not able to incorporate me into the family plans with the ex and adult children. Ridiculous isn’t it?
My first contact was a X-mas card about two-months following the break. I did not respond to the card and then received a phone message on X-mas, this was convenient as the family holidays were finished. I finally responded about a month later, and we got together a couple two-weeks later. But nothing was remotely close as to what it had been.
Loving Annie, I so agree with you. My friend is doing just that with a guy now for 2 years and she justifies her behaviour by saying ” my ex husband was an a**hole and I will keep this one until something better comes along”
Now, this guy she keeps around is pushing for marriage and I am sitting back watching what she will do.
Here is the kicker, the only reason that I am able to identify her behaviour is because of this wonderful website. I am still friends with her, not that close anymore, I will always hear from her when she has a “crisis” or needs something. I tried to talk to her about it, but right now it is all about her and I have known her for 20 years!! and I thought that I knew her well. Really?
Yeah, women do it too.
Annie,
Does your friend recognize there is a problem?
Astelle,
Sounds like your friend is just a user!
Gaynor, you are right, she is a user. I also have a another good friend ,and she is really a good friend – my kids call her aunt and we are not even related – she called my EUM a user and she wouldn’t even look at this website with me at the time when I struggled so much back then, I was trying to “explain” to her what he is. She would just get mad at me and say: EUM? Are you kidding me, he is a f*** narcissist and a user, can’t you see that, Astelle? If you stay with him, you should just have stayed with your ex husband, same a**hole. 🙂
She understood the situation at that time – I didn’t.
Easy for her to say, but NML broke it down for me and I am grateful for that, she answered all my questions and I needed this at that time.
Now? Looking back (Hindsight 20/20), of course I understand, but when you are in the forest you can’t look out, but other people are looking in.
My (pathetic) story is REALLY old by now – you can read it by clicking on the advice “Why won’t he contact me?” on the upper right side on this website.
You handled your situation very well and I feel this is an inspiration for other readers and posters, because we learn from each other.
I really enjoy this website very much and I will continue on reading, feel like I am learning new things every day – and why not? I have applied my new knowledge to other areas in my life – not just men –
and this shows in my attitude every day. Yeah, I am in my 40th, but I feel more aware than I ever have and this also reflects positively on my teenage kids.
Astelle,
I think that our friends get frustrated when we allow ourselves to be mistreated over and over and over again. We continue to put ourselves in an environment that is clearly unhealthy, and it is very difficult for them to see us sabotaging our own happiness. I totally get her anger, she did it because she loves you.
The positive side of your story is that you are no longer involved with this creep! Good for you!!!!! Please don’t respond if he contacts you, it will only set you back to square one.
Thank you. I feel that I handled my situation very poorly. I have always been one that didn’t tolerate garbage from anyone, now it’s time for some self-reflection. You are right that this site gives a great deal of insight into this problem, it really opened my eyes as to what was happening and to what his motivations were-or should I say weren’t. Anyhow, we’re both in a better place and this will reflect in all areas of our lives.
Hi
My ex was obsessed with his ex when I met him I didn’t know he was stalking her and she had a restraining order against him. He has been in prison twice in the last year which is how long I have been with him. This is for breaching his restraining order.
I even bought a book called stalkers and their victims the last time he was in prison to try and work him out. His mom told me when he was with her she ruled his life he couldn’t go out or do anything. His ex even had a fight with him mom and then told him not to speak to her which he did for two years even when his mam was diagnosed with cancer he still didn’t speak to her. I tried to work out whther he was besotted with her. He still has court cases going on to get money back off his ex as they had a shop together and he lent her £20,000 for a deposit on a house. She ain’t giving it back and I don’t blame her. He has treat me like s**t for the last year. I can’t help myself and I say when we argue go and stalk your ex! I shouldn’t show him that it bothers me and really I am trying to get him out of my life.
The red flag was three weeks into the relationship when a friend told me he was getting done for stalking his ex. Whe I first got with him he made me drive down a certain road I found out later that it was the road she lived on!!!!!
Wow I have to say thank you for throwing cold water on me and awakening me from the trance of an assclown. You have nailed my Mr. Unavailable down to a T even down to the x girlfriend bull crap. Two weeks ago I told him the relationship was no longer working for me and I have not had contact since. I have had very weak moments in the last two weeks until today when I found this site. I now realize I am not crazy, there is a method (clearly outlined in your writing) to their maddness. This site has given me much more strength and confidence. Now I am done with him and will no longer be checking my email or walking around the house with my phone on me at all times. Old girl wins she can so have his sorry sorry ass although I truly hope she gets the strength to walk away as well.
Rachel,
What happened with the ex?
Gaynor,
My relationship was long distance so I now realize there was probably more to the relationship with the x than I thought. From what I was told there was one drama after another drama with her. She was fired from her job so he felt sorry for her and wanted to be her friend. Then she was fired from another job so he felt sorry for her and wanted to be her support. She never left the scene. He always kept one foot in her door and one foot with me. He kept telling me it was over but I have never been to his house and every time we planned it he would disappear creating distance between us making a visit impossible. Or he would come up with another trip instead to some exotic place which I would not decline. I now look back and see it so clearly and I want to throw up for having wasted one day on this assclown.
I can relate.
I’m assuming there are no kids?
Does he still loves her?
Why won’t he return to the relationship if he won’t let her go?
Why did they split?
No kids in his previous relationship … he lived with her for 10 years they were never married (that would require a commitment). He booted her out when he met me but it was a long drawn out departure and they stayed in contact daily apparently. Not sure why he has not returned to her except that he loves the attention I have been giving him in the last 2 years and now he has his personal space and two women (that I know of) on the string. Throughout our relationship I have felt her presence, maybe because there were always obstacles to visiting him at his place, it has botherd me so much and hurt me deeply. It was not like he talked about her all the time and he said it was over yet it was an intuitive thing on my part. When he would start to pull away I would ask what was new with Colleen and he would tell me the latest crap. I knew then that she was needing him and being charming and I was not a real priority. The funny thing is he has never been there for me through the tough things I have delt with in the past two years. Apparently he is there for her but he always drifts away from me when I could use his friendly support although I never lost my job.
Also a funny thing occured to me…. It has been a pattern for him to become less involved with me over the holidays – I don’t think he likes buying presents or spending money. He is the tightest Mofo I know even though he has no kids and is a doctor. Anyone else see the holiday pattern?
Mine was not cheap. He couldn’t spend the holidays with me b/c he was spending it with his college age children and ex-wife. I think the holidays may truly signify you’re involved in a relationship with someone.
Why did he want to end the relationship with her and want to move on to you? Does she want him back or is she involved with another man.
When my ex’s ex wife found out about our relationship-she had a boyfriend- she threatened to quit her job-he felt obligated to support her-I know she did this out of her need to manipulate and control him-you don’t do this to someone you love-but he was a full participant in this situation by feeling a need to take care of her. By the way, after we split she never brought up the possibility of leaving her job again. I experienced the same, he was not there for me the way he was there for her. I don’t know if they do it b/c they know the ex is ‘safe’ -refused reconciliation with her-and there will not be a repeat performance of the relationship or if they do it to keep other women entering their lives completely? Is it an excuse to keep them safe from a normal and healthy relationship ????
Did he make contact after you split? If so, after what period, and what did he want?
Rachel, you have NEVER been at his house in all that time?
He is still living with her and probably married.
Hmmm. Sounds very likely!
Finally it is Me who told him that it was no longer working (3 weeks ago). At least I gave him the courtesy of saying something before signing off and disappearing. He wrote me one note saying something to the effect “Lets just take a break till after the holidays” because I had mentioned doing that a couple of days before cutting it off….he was starting to fade away and not talk about my impending visit to him over the holidays…..I knew my visit would freak him out……I never responded to his note about taking a break. I deleted his phone number so I would not be tempted to text and I deleted his email address so I would really really have to think before I sent him anything. But this site has given me an insight into him and an insight into ME and I now feel confident that I have no use for him. I am a pretty smart girl and most of the time I learn pretty quickly. What I am doing is attracting the wrong type of man. This site has made alot of sense to me. It has made me think and confirmed common sense things that I should have known….. I have already made the right choices in a couple of situations that have added to my confidence level.
It is very true that he may have duped me into thinking he is single but I know him from a work environment and my circle of peeps know him as a professional and if he were lying some of us would know. Plus it was somewhat regular… that we would talk all night on the phone. It is possible I know.
Please do not ask me what went wrong… because it makes me think about him way more than I should at this point. I do not need to feel confused for one second over my decision to leave a relationship that left me feeling empty and upset and confused at least 90% of the time. I finally got a little stronger due to some changes that I made in my life and started to yearn for a more fullfilling relationship. I finally realized that he would be such a fool to loose me and he will be trying for me at some point but I want something different something more… even….. something that is not riddled with such highs and such lows. I want someone who will ask about my day, about my life, someone who seems really glad to be with me, who holds my hand in public and kisses me on the cheek when we are waiting in line. Not someone who is always looking around the corner eyeing every other beautiful woman who comes into view. Not someone who feels a need to stay somehow connected to his x. Not a long distance relationship. Eventually you reach a point when you just get really tired….. when you pray to meet a good person who does not put you through uncertainty every time you think things are really getting good……the deception that you are finally getting what you want….only for it to disappear a day later as he blows cold…….. you miss his nightly text or his good morning email….or the phone call that does not come for days.. demolishing all of the good feelings you had a day or two before. I am now learning what to look for and what to run away from and to realize that I no longer have a huge “I am stupid” sign hanging from my neck. I am leaving him so that he realizes I am not stupid. And in the long run he will be greatful that I was not like all the other women who took his crap. I am special …. a special he will never have again.
Amen Rachel! Good for you 🙂
Rachel, you are special, too special for him. You are on a good path.
I have a similar situation that is emotionally bringing me down. I have been “dating” this man for 1 1/2 years and he still will not commit to me. We have had alot of rocky roads due to this and I have let it consume me. He stays in contact with his ex-wife and uses the kids as an excuse. Recently we broke things off because he told me he didn’t know if he was ready for a commitment or to just stay single, but he also was considering getting back with his ex. A week later he called me multiple times and I finally called him back a day later after he said he needed to really talk to me. I went to talk to him and he told me that I had his heart, I was always his choice, and this is where he wanted to be. Two days later he said he was only telling me how he felt but still didn’t know what he wanted. He feels that if we make a full commitment he will be sacrificing alot and doesn’t know if he’s ready for that. He visits his kids on a regular basis at his ex’s house and sees nothing wrong with that. He feels that I should just deal with it and trust him. I’ve cut things off with him a few times but he always comes back. I guess any man would come back if you aren’t sticking to your word. What should I do?
Get Out!!!!
If this idiot had not made up his mind in a 1 1/2 yrs. he not going to. I think you need to ask yourself why you’re sticking around for this nonsense? The excuses and indecision are going to continue, he is not ready to move on with his life. The big lesson I got from my experience was that words mean NOTHING, it’s all abut the actions.
Go back and read what Brad said.
Hi Tbaby,
I have to agree with Gaynor if someone takes up 1 and 1/2 years out of your life there should be some sort of plan. You should both know where you are heading right now with certainty.
The problem is this …. He has one foot in his relationship with you and one foot in his relationship with his X. You have both feet in your relationship with him. You get all the crap of loving someone with only one foot in…. by crap I mean crumbs he comes running when he thinks he is loosing you and he fades away when he knows he has you and he knows exactly how to make you fall for him a million times a week.
He has two fall back girls You on one side and her on the other. A dream come true for a guy who cannot commit.
Rachel, I think the ex-wife is the Fallback girl.
The ex-wife is just getting crumbs too. Neither women are getting a whole relationship with this guy.
Rachel, I know, it is all sick, sick, sick 🙂
Thanks for the input! I went and met with him last night and told him that I couldn’t do this anymore, that it’s not fair to me. He told me I was right it wasn’t fair and that he needed to make a decision and stop avoiding it. I told him it was no longer his decision to make and that I have lived in pain to long. He said that it takes time to change and he can’t do it overnight. At the end he told me that we need to talk tomorrow. I think the worse thing I could have done is broke down and cried the way I did while we were talking. It hurts but being with him hurts to. I can do bad all by myself!!!!!!!
T Baby,
Mine also said it wasn’t fair and that the decision was up to him. Still in control!!! This was all I needed to hear, as he also recognized this was one-sided. Let me tell you something, if he wants you and loves you, he doesn’t have to think about, he knows it!!!!!!!! If this man is at all serious he will make an immediate decision and get professional help to move on from this problem, if not he will continue to string you along and and wish to “talk tomorrow.” Honestly, what is the point, how many times do you need to talk for him to decide if he wants you in his life? Lastly, do you really want someone who is constantly making excuses to keep you out of his life? You’re setting for nothing and he knows it!!!!!
Sorry but I want to ask one more question?
Do you honestly want to feel like a sacrifice for someone?
Honestly Gaynor, No and I don’t feel like I want to sacrifice anything for him at this point. It just hurts so bad to know that I have given so much and keep hurting to no end. Like I told him if he truly loved me and I really had his heart he wouldn’t keep hurting me and letting me suffer as I am. I feel so weak and need to get in control of my life! I have three beautiful children that need me and sometimes I feel like I have let this consume me so much that they me suffering……… 🙁
No, I was referring to him saying that he had to sacrifice for you.
T Baby,
Love should not be about endless pain, it’s mainly happiness and joy.
You’re right! Your children are your priority, not this idiot who is unwilling to incorporate you into his life.
Why doesn’t he just go back to the ex if he still has feeling for her?
This story is similar to mine and really makes me angry when I look back at all the indecision and excuses I tolerated. These guys are stuck in limboland and don’t know their heads from their asses, they won’t change unless they are hungry to change. The only way you will see if this man truly loves you is if you leave his life completely, either he will make the decision to incorporate you into his life, or you will see you have been strung along the entire time.
You’ve got to face up to the truth and take action!
Thanks so much! A reality check is what I needed….
T Baby, You can do it!!!!
You’ll look back in a few months and wonder why you wasted your love and energy on this indecisive, using fool. We want a man that loves, appreciates and knows what he wants. There should be no less!
Tbaby,
It has been 30 days now that I told my EUM that is just was not working for me any more. I decided not to return his calls or emails as an attempt to talk about it. Actually, I could not bear to go through one more cycle of him sucking me in and then pulling away. It was just too hard on me. I played his game for 2 years.
These last 30 days have been really hard! But the things that have helped are the book, Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl….it shed a great deal of light on me and my relationships…..and knowing that I am not the only one sitting at home getting over my broken heart. I have found peace in knowing that I must heal my heart and get over him before I meet someone new. I feel like I found this site and the book in preparation for a really good relationship that is going to come my way when I am healthier and expect a good relationship. I feel like I found this site for a reason. Let the tears flow Tbaby and just know that something really special is waiting for you now that you know so much more about yourself and unavailable men who cannot commit.
Rachel, I am sending a big hug your way. You will be just fine, give it time and believe there is a good man out there for you!
Rachel, Thanks for the advice! You need to pat yourself on the back and know that being strong will make you into a better person. Sometimes we don’t realize the pain that is brought to us is only there because we allow ourselves to deal with it and sometimes we are in so strong we don’t know how to get out.
About waiting to heal before finding someone else is so true! I did something I shouldn’t have done 5 months ago. I bought a new home and shortly after moving in I met someone which lived down the road from me. He is a really good man and has dealt with the bullshit from me. We were not intimately involved but we did hang out alot and spend time together. He will walk away but always ends up coming back. This wasn’t fair to not only him but to myself as I haven’t let go of the asshole in my life. I did finally tell him that we can only be friends as I need to deal with the issues at hand and get myself together. He just doesn’t understand why I would wasted my time and energy on someone who doesn’t make me happy and i’m miserable all the time. The sad part about the whole situation is when I was with him he made me smile and laugh and that was something I didn’t get from the other in along time. BUT this situation was not helping and so unfair to him!!!
I think my issue is that after all this time and no commitment then it’s time to let go! He has hurt me in alot of ways and let me down so much I can’t even begin to pick the pieces up!
I am going to go and buy the books today and hopefully they will help me through this as they have you! This site has helped me realize there is light at the end of the tunnel!
T Baby,
We don’t want to be our EUM’s. Do you think this guy is going to be OK with just being friends? I’m thinking he is still going to try to work his way into your life romantically, I know it’s happened with me in the past with men I was only attached to in a platonic way. Be careful with him, he sounds like a nice, normal man.
Without realizing it we may be searching for an ego stroke just like our ex’s.
Tbaby and everyone,
Thanks so much for your support …this has been a hard time. But you know I have to say that in the last week I have been sleeping better and deeper than I have in years…….. and when I go to the gym I am working out at twice the intensity. A thought occured to me that these stressful relationships not only damage our spirit but they really take a toll on our physical being as well. I am all about taking care of me now.
And Tbaby, I too had a guy come around as soon as I dumped my EUM and I had to tell him that I was just not in the right frame of mind to start seeing anyone… it was the really smart thing I have done in a long while. There will always be men around. I just do not want to be a magnet to those who sense that I will be a Fallback girl. I am going to be very careful to go very slow from here on out and live by the recovering Fallback girl rules.
And by the way you have to download the book and buy it directly from NML – which I was glad to do….it was well worth it!
I needed to read this tonight. I have been seeing someone who has so many qualities that I admire, but cannot let go of his ex. He has started spending more time with her as the holidays approach and I told him that I am getting out of the way. I am tired of sharing the relationship. We spend 3 or 4 nights each week together, but then I find out that he speaks to her (probably daily) and he is the one calling her, going shopping together, even went to get haircuts together. I’m not sure what is going on, only that it makes me feel bad, so it cannot be a good thing.
Today has been a really hard day. I talked to my EUM last night and we decided that it was best to go our separate ways. I have been on him really hard about his ex as he makes it a part of his life to go over to her house 2 to 4 times per week and spend time with the kids there instead of stepping up and being a man. Of course he blames me for it and said that I have wasted to much time and energy on that instead of us. I’m the blame once again!! As I told him, if he really cared about me and wanted to be with me he would have switched it up along time ago knowing that it was an issue to me. Am I the blame for things going sour? Should he have been spending that much time over her house with her and the kids? Over the summer they went as a family to Cedar Point and he thought that was okay and I didn’t. It just seems like he puts himself first and never has cared about me or my feelings. Why am I hurting so bad? Why did I put myself in this situation when I should have pulled back along time ago?
Tbaby,
I remember second guessing myself everytime my EUM and got into a fight over his behaviour. We would have a fight then a day or so later I would wonder if I was being unreasonable … (after all he did tell me he loved me just before the argument) It really made me crazy and it contributed to the loss of my self esteem which kept me in the cruel relationship. I am convinced that part of the unavailable man’s personality is “Master Manipulator” to be able to work words around to create confusion in situations… to twist things so that some how it makes sense from his perspective. I felt like I was always to blame for his poor behaviour.
But Tbaby rest assured that his behaviour of going to the house 2 to 4 times a week is unacceptable! Most divorced dads pick the children up and take them out of the house and work to create a place of his/their own that the children will also be comfortable in. I too would devistated that he was spending so much time with another woman instead of eventually working on a life with his children that would include you. If he was doing that perhaps you could see a future but it does not sound like he has considered taking those types of steps…… and do not give him that idea… if he truly were thinking long term commitment with you he would have come up with that one all by himself.
I know why you are hurting so bad… for the same reasons I have been…. loss of a dream. Loss at not getting my man the way I wanted him. I had to let myself be sad for a while and I am coming out of it. I allow myself to feel sad when I need to and let the tears fall from my eyes at the death of a dream but it is getting easier and I do feel like I see things more clearly now. Men can move mountains for the women they truly love do not underestimate them. If they are not willing to move the obstacles then why do we wait around? There are so many others out there.
T Baby,
Rachel is absolutely right! We should only look back with regret if we do not change our poor relationship behavior. It is going to be painful but you need to move on, you know this man is unsuitable for you. You’ve got to concentrate on your kids and their welfare, not this fool!
Why does he not return to this woman b/c he is certainly acting like he is married to her? I can’t believe he went on holiday with her, that is over the top! I have to ask, why did you not leave at that time???
Gaynor,
Things had been so rough between us since the end of May and we just started talking again about a month before he went on vacation and now when I look back I felt like I couldn’t function without him. When in actuality I was setting myself up for failure and allowing him to hurt me. I never needed him in my life, I just was afraid to lose him, and why? I wish I could have answered that then. Everyone, including his friends, which are mine also told me to leave as I wasn’t getting out of it what I deserved.
Why he doesn’t go back to her, I can’t answer except that she left him and I think he may be afraid she will do it again. It seems like he bows down to her and is there for her at every beck and call. It’s really to bad because I don’t think he could be happy with her as things haven’t changed and they weren’t happy when they were married.
In the long run no matter how bad it hurts, I know he is the one that lost someone special and he will regret it one day!!!
Remember your words.
I’ll tell you something. I think that they also holding on to these ‘relationships’ with the ex’s as an excuse not to move on with their own lives, I don’t know maybe I’m wrong. My ex was the same way, when the ex-wife found out about our relationship, she threatened to quit her job. Well guess who thought it was his obligation to support her 100%. Not only is this situation ridiculous but he could not see how manipulative and controlling this woman was. I asked why he felt obligated to support her, and he said “she’s not happy with her job.” Tough sh&%! This man is choosing to be manipulated by this woman making him a compliant player in this silliness.
Even if you two were having issues, there is NO reason for him to be going on family trips with the ex! Don’t these people see how dysfunctional this is for the kids. I think they are so selfish that they don’t concern themselves with what is in the kids best interest.
Good Riddance!!
I don’t understand “getting out of it what I deserve?”
I took it as I deserved to have someone treat me right and respect me not always letting me down. He was always leaving me hurt and doing things that I should have never allowed myself to be caught up in.
It’s funny you talk about the kids! I was always telling him it wasn’t fair to his kids because if they weren’t going to be a family they are giving them false hope!!! He used to bring his kids over to my house but pulled them about 10 months ago and hadn’t brought them back over since. It broke my youngest daughter’s heart as she didn’t understand why she wasn’t able to play with his daughter anymore. His excuse was that I was always complaining about his ex and he was tired of it (that was the excuse he gave me recently) but I found out some time ago when he let it slip that she had said something to him about having the kids at my house. At that time I wasn’t doing that but he seems to always have an excuse for everything.. suprise…….
Gaynor/Tbaby, I am just throwing this out here because I am not totally sure – but I think the fact that the woman divorced him plays a big role – not just an excuse for not moving on with their lives.
I divorced my ex – he was dragging his feet to sign the paper – and he would still be hanging at my house today if I would let him. I did at the beginning (I didn’t know better at that time) and some friends still can’t understand why I cut contact with the ex (talking about me – not my kids of course). My ex is so self absorbed, a control freak, a manipulator. He was not the one that brought me to this website, it was the a**clown I dated after him.
I believe if the man initiates the divorce/break up, he is done, the wife/woman breaks it up/divorce than it is not fine with HIM.
Just talking about the f*cked up guys, not the normal man, a normal man – I like to believe – excepts the divorce and does everything he can for his children.
So, it always comes back to HIM, what HE wants and bla, bla, bla.
We all need to be smart and get rid of these “men” I hate to call them men, a real man will NOT treat you this way.
Just my 2 cents worth…
Astelle, He ‘claimed’ numerous times that he ended the marriage. He said he did the things he did b/c he felt guilty for leaving. The funny thing is is that she asked for a reconciliation but he refused to go back. Any thoughts???
Did your ex-husband love you? Or is it only due to the ego that they hold on?
T Baby,
I wonder if they stay up nights thinking up excuses. Lord, i’ve never seen anything like it.
Why did the ex divorce him? You know even though this man was divorced I always felt like the mistress, it was so strange. I’m sure you felt the same way, always being number 2,3,4,……… Does he recognize how much he does for her and not you.
M,
He hasn’t let go of the ex at all. You need to get out of this situation unless you’re willing to share him with another woman.
Haha… on a lighter note… this website has replaced all of the emails that I used to get all day long from my EUM. I find myself checking out of habit and instead of a disappointing nothing I get updates from this site which keeps me on the right track in my recovery. Thanks again to everyone!
Happy Recovery to us all!!!!!
Hello,
This sounds just like the relationship I just ended with my ex-boyfriend on Saturday! I am so grateful for this site. My ex-bf has 3 adult children and still goes to his ex-wife’s house for holidays/birthdays/etc using the kids as an excuse. They have been divorced for 10 years. He does not see a problem with his relationship with his ex. He is so off and on. After I left him, he sent me a sweet email, then a nasty one, then he said don’t talk to him, then he wrote me a letter, then he emailed me to ask if we could go to couples counseling!
I am meeting him Sunday just to have the “final” talk and I’m trying to work up the strength to be sure to say goodbye and not let him talk me back into staying. I guess I just felt the need to do the “official” break up in person. Although I’ve been telling him for months that I’m not comfortable with his relationship with his ex wife.
Good luck with the talk….. personally if I had to look into the eyes of my EUM I would be weak. Read the book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback girl. It is not easy to read about ourselves but well worth it.
Be strong and do not let this on and off guy waste anymore of your life and time. Find a man who would not consider spending one important holiday without you. There is someone out there who has created a life where his kids come to him for the holidays/birthdays/etc. There is someone who wants his kids to know you and for both of you to celebrate the holidays with his children because he loves you so much, because you are a big part of his life.
Quit settling for crumbs. Quit settling for leftovers.
Tbaby,
How are you doing during the holidays? Still NC?
Hi Rachel,
I am actually doing awhole lot better than I ever thought I would be doing! I still have my moments and then I look back at all the hurt and pain he caused me, & keep looking forward. He tried to call me last night after we haven’t talked for 8+ days and I didn’t answer. I know that talking to him will only make me weak and right now I am feeling to strong to go back.
A few weeks ago I ran into a real gentlemen that I had met some time ago through friends and we have been hanging out quite a bit. He was hurt pretty bad by his ex and I think just being around each other is helping the both of us heal. I honestly didn’t think there were any decent me left out here! I have explained to him that we need to be friends at this point as I need time to heal the open wounds and we’ll see where things go from there. He has been around quite a bit and my kids totally adore him! The funny thing is, he has done more for me and my kids in the short period he has been around than my EUM did in the 1 1/2 we were dating.
By the way, how are you doing?
I am so glad to hear you are doing ok! It’s funny but the old saying of when you close one door another one opens is so true.
I am starting to do much better it has been 47 days now with NC. He texted me on Christmas which nearly made my heart stop but I did not respond. He then again texted me yesterday and again I did not respond. The second text was much easier to ignore. I guess this stuff just takes practice and then it gets easier.
I was asked out on a date for New Years and I went but my heart truly feels dead. I guess it is too soon for me to even try to move on. I think I am still in the depression stage for all I really want to do is be home and alone. My gut tells me that what I am doing is the right thing. Even though I miss him, I have no inclination to contact him whatsoever. I think the thought of his disapointig me one more time would really throw me into feeling so much worse. I now realize I have to ride this thing out.
I look forward to time healing the wound that the world cannot see. I am glad you have found a friend who is also in somewhat of a vulnerable state that can be of support to you. Stay strong for now you know relationships should not be painful.
Good for you Rachel!! Keep it up!!
Jen, how did the talk go?
This question rings true for my recent situation. I mastered it by setting my boundaries and sticking to them. Although from time to time I’ve to admit I think and wonder about the WHY’s. My EUM was and still is married, two adult children, but he always claimed he can’t leave them. Fishy. Of course, his marriage was beyond repair, but as a family they “worked out”- well, you know all the yadda yadda. When I made it very soon abundantly clear, that I was to end the story because he’s not available, he showered me with words of respect and understanding. He accepted my decision, but like a broken record he wrote me he wanted to keep the mail-contact with me (it was a long-distance-relationship to top it). I didn’t respond to that. When he realized I walked my talk he told me that he’d spent 4 days with another woman. I was completely dumbfounded, when I found out, that he met this woman at an anniversary celebration of our former school (we were former school mates) he’d attended without me, because I couldn’t make it due to my work and he’d spared me this piece of information. He told me then after my break-up, that this initial mail-contact with her had been harmless, but now, as I had ended our relationship, he’d fallen hard for the woman, because everything was soooo easy. For once he told me he’d been secretly in love with her during school times (this the reason for not telling me, he didn’t want to upset me – very thoughtful, thanks) and he was thrilled now, because she’s in the same situation (and she doesn’t complain): married, two adult children, a lot of affairs during her marriage like he himself. It happened that she was with another man at that time of the school celebration, ended the affair shortly after that and miraculously they, my EUM and she, came together in the twinkling of an eye. Maybe she’ll dump him as quick as that in the future 😉 All that I was told in nicest of nice words, confidentially and with the repetition he wants to stay in contact with me, because we had had a “deep, wonderful and anything but shallow†relationship. His words.
This was the start of a very confusing roller-coaster time of emotions for me. Of course I felt hurt, that he could replace me in a jiffy. I kept to my boundaries, went to NC and keep it, but as I said, sometimes I still rake my brain. WHY could he commit that fast? Useless, I know! – He immediately told his wife about the OP, she was infuriated, now (!), but not about me, although they both wanted the divorce. He told his children, which he was afraid of all the time with me. To me all this sounds like a so called “rebound relationshipâ€, and there are still his words echoing in my mind, that they “both will live fora more or less short time with their old partners…†and then happily ever after…? Yeah, to be a fly on the wall 😉
So, that’s of my chest – deep sigh – and pardon my mistakes, I’m German.
Oh Arlena,
You have been involved with the devil himself! How evil of him to enlighten you on his new found – fake- happiness! How evil of him to put this hideous story to words with the intent to hurt you and cause you pain. This man is full of shit that he is now happy for if he truly was he would not bother trying to entertain you with this horror story. UNDERSTAND this is just a STORY. I suggest you quit reading his emails and run from this horrible man. Could you imagine being married to a person who can be so mean? His poor wife would probably like to GIVE him to you if she had a choice. The next woman he hooks up with – for his marriage is doomed- will be cursed with this man. Mean people rarely become nice,caring, loving people. If you think he is doing this just because he is hurting from your break up then he is emotionally inmature. Grown ups do not handle disappointments by throwing knives. I pray you see a light of happiness for yourself and run in that direction. I am so happy he is no longer your problem. He is basically slapping you in the face, he has slapped his wife in the face and he will be slapping the next woman in the face when she does something he does not like as well. RUN BABY RUN!
Dear Rachel,
thank you so much for replying and commenting.
It was very hard to see through this. But I relied on my intuition, my gut feelings telling me that this doesn’t feel the way it should feel. I ensure you, I made a clean cut. I put it into warm but firm words. I think, he understood immediately, that’s why he intensified the contact with his allegedly secret school crush. And I didn’t fell to the trap wanting and winning him back even more with a third party on the scene. But it was hard.
Yes, Rachel, I do think he told me about his new flame in order to strike back for my clearness and my boundaries. We had had an intense mail-contact over the whole period and he knew my wounds and tender spots. It was a very great problem to me him being married, also he claimed constantly his marriage is over since five years and they only staying together because of the “children†(17 and 20)! I was afraid there might be always another reason for staying together. And I also told him, to tell his wife. I was not willing to be with him behind her back. I wanted to give them the chance of really contemplating if they are serious about their mutual divorce, you know, talking is one thing, doing it the other. I think that was fair and I restraint myself because I wanted a morally clear situation. Today I think, he never told her, or told her something just to hurt her. I.e he mentioned to her that he’s going to marry me after their divorce, which would have effected her financial situation.
Now, imagine, he offered me a marriage after his divorce. The nature of us women is we need a future, we think a man considering a future with us must be serious. I got into this trap wondering why on earth is he able to do all these confusing things. If every means to save his marriage had failed, so why not make a clean cut? Could be made in a civilised manner. No, he wanted both worlds as long as possible. Why was he able to INSTANTLY tell his wife about his new affair (perhaps only to SHOW me), well, you know, he mailed it to me, if he really told her, meanwhile I doubt it all. I will never know. BUT, do you think, a man willing to marry again having found a good match wouldn’t do anything possible to find a resolve and filing for divorce now? Instead of this one taking the next possible woman? No way.
What I like about this site is the clear wording, no space for deviating into taking colouring glasses to “understand†him. As I’m really interested in a healthy and mature relationship it’s not that easy to tell the difference. But how painful it was, I know, I did the mistake in the first place. I choose poorly, falling for “this one might be differentâ€. The good news is: I googled a lot, I found good materials, this helpful site and others, I learnt a lot and I feel awarded with all my better insights at this point. And it’s not me, HE is the loser. 😉