In my last post I wrote about the key behaviours that assclowns rely on to mistreat you and manage the relationship on their terms including passive aggression, erasing the past by pressing The Reset Button, and deciding that ‘I’m not that bad’ because they have other ideas of what they constitute as ‘bad’ so they feel within their rights to invalidate your perception of their behaviour.
I think the most common misconception I come across is that people seem to think that for their guy to be an assclown, they need to be cheating.
While this is an example of assclown behaviour, you can be involved with a faithful assclown but that doesn’t change the fact that their behaviour is completely inappropriate.
When you use the likes of cheating or even beating as a barometer of what constitutes inappropriate relationship behaviour, not only do you fail to see the wood for the trees, but you’re actually setting yourself up to take a hell of a lot of poor behaviour in a sort of ‘waiting for it to get really bad’ mentality instead of recognising that it actually already is really bad. It’s like ‘I know I’ll leave if he cheats on/beats me because then I’ll know I’m in a really bad relationship, even though you’re already in your own personal hell. It’s a warped glass is half full optimism.
Just because someone hasn’t shagged behind your back or left visible bruises on you, doesn’t mean that you’re not being bruised, battered, or even broken by their behaviour.
It’s really good to assess what your beliefs are about love, relationships, and yourself because when you use cheating (or beating) as your marker is tied to ideas that stem from the belief that a faithful man, even if he’s of jackass proportions, is better than no man, or not as bad someone who does cheat (or beat). In fact, I have even come across women who think that a guy that thumps them around but is faithful is ‘not as bad as he could be’.
So for example:
‘I believe that most men cheat’ is a belief where if you believe that your man isn’t cheating, things can’t be that bad.
‘I believe men cheat when something is wrong with the relationship or me’ is a belief that will have you also believing that things aren’t as bad as they are because if they were, he’d be sleeping with someone else.
It may be because you’ve witnessed it with your parents or in previous relationships and homed in on these behaviours and believe that they’re key things to look out for they are, but they are not the only dubious actions to look for.
Do not perpetuate the misconceptions in society and in particular, often held by these people, that communicates that poor relationship behaviour only comes in certain guises, otherwise you will find yourself in dangerous and damaging situations that bust your boundaries and are not a reflection of healthy values that you may possess.
Remember it can be very convenient and comfortable for someone to stay in the relationship and enjoy the fringe benefits like a shag, an ego stroke, a shoulder to lean on, money, status, a convenient smoke screen that detracts from the ‘real’ them and more. I’ve come across a lot of women involved with faithful guys who are ‘faithful’ as in they stick around, but they are totally withdrawn, use and abuse them, and wheel them out like show ponies to remind themselves that they’re not the man they see when they look at themselves in the mirror. That doesn’t mean that it’s a relationship to value and hold on to – you want someone who is faithful and treats you with love, care, trust, and respect. If these are absent, you’ve got no relationship whether they’re there or not.
I’ve come across many a woman through this blog who has dined off the ‘good points’ and the ‘good times’ – how else do you explain how they can wax lyrical about, for example, 10% of the entire relationship while 90% of it is awful?!
I don’t doubt that most people have their ‘good points’ and ‘good times’ but it’s what on balance, the good points look like when the not so good and downright outrageous bad points are taken into account. If you’ve ever, for instance, been involved with a narcissist, you’ll know that when the going is good it’s great, but you’re only a hop, skip, and a jump away from the bad times, and they’re very, very bad.
People who have to talk about ‘good points’ and ‘good times’ work off the premise that these are evidence that things could be like this all or most of the time, when in actual fact, they’re not. A person is the sum of their entire characteristics and qualities, not just the convenient bits that suit your vision of them and the relationship. They may consistently be someone who exhibits their bad points.
Do you know that serial killers can often be charming, help out the little old lady next door and have glimmers of kindness? While it’s an extreme example, my point is that at a stretch we can find something decent to say about most people, but it doesn’t mean that they’re great relationship material or a great person that you share values with.
In my next post: Is he an assclown because he broke up with me or doesn’t want a relationship?
Also check out how to spot emotionally unavailable men
Your thoughts?
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Great post. This couldn’t have come at a better time, because I am constantly weighing the good sides of the relationship over the bad, but I shouldn’t have to do this in the first place. That’s what it all comes down to.
When you feel loved and when you can give your love without doubting if you are doing yourself right, you are just and simply having the life you’d want for yourself and you’d stop weighing it off.
I agree, one doesn’t have to be all thàt of a lousy man to do wrong, or maybe just not the right man at the right time for yourself.
Sometimes it’s so hard to know when the right time is, and the right person is, nobody knows how they will feel about certain things tomorrow. Maybe more laidback. The point is, when you’re crying your heart out, get out. When you’re crying your heart out and the person who says he loves you every single day doesn’t even try to fix the things he has broken himself, stop immediately.
Thx for your post !
True so very true – I took a personal inventory of past relationships and I can see clearly now how not only was I getting the same person different package I was “trading up” and thinking that was somehow better even thou the basics of love, care, trust, and respect really was not there with any of them.
XMan 1 – AC – controlling-beater led to
XMan 2 – AC – didn’t hit me so better but cheated on me – twice led to
XMan 3 – EUM – didn’t hit or cheat so better but emotionally unavailable, cruel and abusive led to the epiphany
XMan 4 – EUM/AC/NARC – blew hot, lovey dovey, Mr. Wonderful so better (at first) then did a 360 – blew cold and cruel -cheated, lots of AC behaviours and managed down like you would not believe – the only thing he DIDN’T do was physical abuse – did the whole gammit otherwise and had me believing it was somehow MY fault that he didn’t love me.
They were not great relationship material or a great person that you share values with. Had to recongize the pattern, stop the relationship insanity and find me – I was the common demoninator. I can see now how it was perfectly understandable how I ended up in all of those situations – hindsight is 20/20 vision. Only by changing me was I going to change what I attracted and/or accepted in my life AND its works if you work it and you’re worth it and you know it.
So true MovedUp! Realizing that you are the common denominator in all your unhealthy relationship patterns is the start of a path to a truly better place… one of understanding and accepting nothing less than mutual love and respect and making sure it is healthy and reciprocal! Oh, and “wheeling you out like a show pony”… I had to laugh out loud on that one because I used to think that boy my EUM must really like me because he constantly made sure I was always brought around his friends and otherwise wouldn’t he want to hide me. But its so clear now that he did use that to make himself feel better, if all his buddies kept seeing him with new and great girls then he must not be that bad. Well, once I turned on him he could not handle it because his friends really truly did like me and the EUM knew he had no leg to stand on with the “she’s psycho” bit… and it really made him look like a jerk if I am refusing to speak to him. Boy did he not like that. haha
Perfect Timing.
My ex AC says he didn’t cheat but went to a brothel just to “check it out”. I don’t buy it (no pun intended). I found out through someone else in the most humiliating way and had to listen to people in public joking about it. This sickened me, broke my heart into a million pieces. This was one year into the relationship. Oh, the desperation in me not wanting it to be true, stayed in the relationship and the erroding of my self esteem turned me into a snivelling shadow of myself. 3 more years of lies, disrespect, heartache and a shattered self esteem, I went NC because I had no other choice and I couldn’t take one more second of the pain, and he wouldn’t go away. I think he cheated on me more than I know, I never ever got any confession, empathy or regret from him, just “shut up you dumb bitch. If I had someone else, I certainly wouldn’t come back to you” Ouchhhh. On top of ouch! I have been NC for two months. I actually moved to a new neighborhood while he was out of town…..so he showed up to my old house to find it empty. Lots of text meassages later from him, I am still NC. What I have found hard is running into people who know him and always feel they have to say…oh I saw him at a party last week, or he is such a nice guy. This feel like such a punch in the stomach. I knew from the get go that he would not skip a beat and the fun would go on…..but hearing it hurts. The response I want to text back is “I hate You” but know it will only land me back into the shit hole. Thank you for this website……..every post, every comment is like the hand hold I need to see me out of the woods. Thank you all for sharing…it helps so much.
I’m so proud of you! What a genius move…changing towns while he’s away! Well done! And quite the final say haha.
No, of course don’t contact him back. Ever. EVER. In fact i’d say block him but whatever works for you. You’re FREE!! Hurray!
also, get a catch phrase you can use whenever you get the updates. I hate those. “don’t tell me cuz I don’t give a sh*t” might do.
I know that feeling when people say things about them being good or nice or having fun…I wanted to vomit when I heard about my ex-AC on holiday while I had to scramble around finding a new place to move into (as he’d bailed on the joint living arrangement). But, you’ll feel less barbed by these comments when you’ve given yourself a little more time and space to heal. Maybe avoid common friends for a while. You’re too sore right now to hear distorted crap like that – these people do not witness his ‘backstage’ self. He honestly sounds more screwy than an AC. From what you presented here, he sounds psychopathic. You’re so brave moving on. Imagine! You’re no longer the stomping ground for someone else’s pathetic, and dying little ego! He doesn’t sound like he’s getting on a good path any time soon. All the best
NML I was reading an outrageous article today about a woman, author of a new book stating that “if you want to keep your man, its ok for him to cheat as long as you negotiate infidelity” here is the link:
Needless to say I think she is completely out of her mind and obviously is trying to adjust her very low self-steem with this new “movement” and message she is trying to send.
I just think it is really sad how society is little by little contemplating and even accepting these “new” ideas about men because the “old and outdated” not longer match the “new”.
This article basically states that a man just “cant help” but be unfaithful. I think thats a major BS and its a shame a woman is sending this message to women that they should accept this in order to keep their man. No wonder there is so many AC’s Mr Unavailables out of their closets. If you notice chivalry is almost dead nowadays. Dates are almost a busness transaction, romance is not even in the list of priorities.
Where is morality in all of this? I dont care how advanced we are in technology, fashion, entertainment, ideas and such, morality to me will remain the same as it was since the beggining of times.
I feel this article in specific brings a lot of truth to what we should and definitely should not accept from men even if it doesn’t involve cheating or beating. The simple act of disrespect in any form is already a major red flag and should be address inmediately or else he is out. If we are healthy and offer a healthy and genuine relationship with love, care respect, values to a man that is the least we should accept in return, nothing less.
My ex didn’t physically cheat or beat.
But it didn’t matter, if he had i may likely have stayed with him anyway.
I rationalized the things he did or stuffed the hurt down bcuz i had kids with him and the idea of leaving and being alone was too terrifying, the idea of breaking up the family too heart wrenching.
Eventually I did leave. He’d worn down my love for him to a nub and also i had done stints of living on my own with the kids (“breakups” or “together but not together” arrangements) so i knew i could survive.
The verbal and emotional abuse had become too extreme for me to rationalize raising my kids around.
He had used the “cheat or beat” bar to measure himself against.
He was NOT my epiphany relationship….but it was a long one so it was the one that preceded it.
Columbia, emotional and verbal abuse are just as abusive as any hand being laid on you. Cheating or no cheating, beating or not, abuse is abuse. I think the pain from the verbal abuse hurt more, in my experience. Not only does it hurt to hear what is coming out of their mouth, or to feel tricked by the emotional abuse, but they then proceed to turn it all around on you….you imagined it, you’re too sensitive, you’re a trippper, I didn’t say that, or don’t panic. Or they say they’re sorry only to throw the same insult at you the very next day. Whiplash.
example: he says, “my friends warned me about you, and we talk about how stupid you are”. next day he says, “why won’t you go to so and so’s party with me, all my friends will be there. I only said they didn’t like you because you were popping off.”
Next fight he says, “wait till my friends here about this one.”
well, I never knew what the hell to think. Even now I see these same “friends” in public and hide from them, not wanting to revisit that negative feeling. This is one small example but the carry over effects from this type of treatment have affected my life even without him around. The bruises from the arm yanking, knocking over and hair pulling are gone but the wounds from the mental abuse are still there.
I’m proud of you too for putting YOU and your kids first. It is hard to teach our kids not to let people take of advantage of them if they see us allowing someone to do it to us.
Also Columbia, thank you for the catch phrase suggestion to cut people off who want to tell me things about him when I don’t ask. I’d love to block his calls but don’t have the option on my cell. Been considering changing my number though so I don’t get his text messages. I admit after being honest with myself that even though I don’t respond, I wait for them, still seeking some sick validation. It’s amazing how similar many of our stories are.
aaaah this is all so true! A person is the sum of all their charecterisitcs!! Indeed. If only I had read this post years ago. My AC was not a cheater or a beater in the initial stages of the relationship. However as I ignored his dubious behaviour and red flags I left myself vunerable to it turning into cheating and beating. And sure enough it did! One broken nose and a broken heart later I realise now that some Ac’s may exhibit behaviour that you can play down but it will often turn into the really bad stuff in the end!! As Natalie says, don’t ignore terrible behaviour just because it doesn’t fit preconcieved notions of abuse. It is abusive and it WILL only get worse. I learnt the hard way. Now I am picking up the pieces of my shattered life.
And to Jenny above…..
I experienced exactly the same thing as you! This person says this about you and that person says that….awful.
That is abuse and it is deliberately insulting and hurtful. If you truly love someone you want to protect them from bad things said about them and if you do be critical it should be sensitive and constructive. Not hurled as a means of hurting your feelings. It is sad and comforting that the women on here have been through the pain I have..
i used to fall for that kind of stuff, if he doesnt cheat or beat me up, then he must be fine, in fact some of the guys i have dated fancy themselves good catches because they dont cheat or beat on women, like living off a woman and not maintaining a job is acceptable . one guy, who was an alcoholic used to think that loving booze is better than being a womaniser, and that is why he was such a wonderful person.this was according to him!!!
it’s the ‘yeah but’ scenario.
yes but I never hit you
yes but I never cheated
yes but…(fill in the blank)
Thank you! This needed to be said.
Absolutely brilliant and, once again, a post I wish I’d read years ago. I distinctly remember saying to friends that although I was unhappy with my then-EUM, he wasn’t doing anything ‘bad’ like cheating or hitting me. No, but he was mentally abusive, selfish and cruel and I can’t believe I thought that was acceptable back then.
I believe I am still working through the issues that this particular relationship created in me, but thanks to your blog, I am getting there 🙂
Jenny,
I relate to many of the women who post on this site, but the one thing that was making me feel that my story was slightly different was that my (current) EUM has serious stalker tendencies. That’s really the only reason I’m still in the relationship with him. I really really wish I had the luxury of picking up and moving while he’s out of town, but 1-he never goes out of town for any length of time and 2-I don’t have the $$$ to pick up and move -I live in NY where housing is scarce and very expensive 4-I really don’t want to have to change my daughter’s school district. He also knows where I work so if he can’t find me at home, he’ll just come to my job and have the receptionist call me out or if I get the backbone to call security (which I probably won’t) he’ll just wait for me after work. It’s very hard getting out of this situation. My only recourse will be to get a restraining order, but I don’t have the backbone to do it right now. The relationship has been full of drama. He’s passive-aggressive, abusive (mentally & emotionally), emotionally unavailable, extremely jealous and possessive. The things you said that your ex said to you reminded me a lot of some vicious things my “boyfriend” has said to me. My standards have been lowered to the point of accepting being called “bitch” or “whorish b****” on a regular basis. I’m not even his girlfriend. I’m in the #2 spot. If I miss a phone call he’ll leave nasty msgs saying “I know you’re out f’ing around. Have fun B****”. I’ve tried no contact about 15 times. It’s a joke at this point. My silence makes him more persistant. He looses his pride and risks getting himself in trouble to make contact with me. He’s recognized that I can’t reject him to his face. Once I look into his eyes (aaaaah so mushy…LOL) I’m overcome with guilt and that’s when he’s able to steamroll me right back into the relationship. I’ve accepted that NC is not suitable for this situation. I’ve been trying to emotionally disconnect for about the last six months, to save my sanity if not for nothing else. It took me a while to realize I’m being abused, because he never laid a hand on me. He pulls my hair at times and he’s very aggressive at times, but he’s never raised his hand to me or choked me or anything like that. Actually, I’m the one who beat him up once. I had reached my breaking point and threw a drink in his face and basically assaulted the hell out of him. He tried to back away from me, but I was in such a rage I chased after him and slapped and punched him. I was so desperate for him to acknowledge how he had hurt me that I reached the point of trying to physically beat an apology out of him. Him being the damaged man that he is called me a few days later and said he still loves me. Once the abusive behavior started I thought that if I took enough of it that he would eventually reward me with his love. I actually thought there was a limit to the abuse, but I’ve learned that there is no limit…no end…as long as you tolerate it, you will receive it. And again I wasn’t seeing it as abuse as I had nothing to measure his behavior by. I thought he would leave his girlfriend for me if I allowed him to have his way with me constantly. I never asked him to leave her, I just assumed he would after realizing how good he has it with me. One time he did break up with her and damn near drove himself crazy obsessing over what I was doing. It was then that I realized he isn’t ABLE to be with me…much too damaged, much too insecure. At that point I was able to stop internalizing his actions so much. Although, I still feel trapped in this situation to some degree, I’m not claiming victim status. I have been taken advantage of and abused to some degree, but I’ve learned so much about life and people and most importantly myself so none of my experience is in vain. I allowed myself to be drawn in and became a willing participant in this full-on dramafest. I know now thanks to this website that my childhood experiences have a lot to do with my “doormat” tendencies. There was alcoholism, a missing daddy, sexual abuse…although all of these things are profound they are not a free pass to mistreat myself or others. It’s time for me to take ownership of my past, make amends with it and start doing better. This has been my epiphany relationship if I’ve ever had one!
This sounds like a nightmare. It also sounds like it could escalate to something even worse. Isn’t there somewhere you can go?
I too, live in NYC. There are so many options for help, please seek them out. Only you can help yourself, I hope for your safety and sanity you will make the necessary changes.
Natalie, another excellent post. Why do I keep on going back to your website? Because whenever I am on the verge of breaking NC, there’s always something insightful coming up. What constitutes “a good man”? Someone who appears to be good on the surface but rotten inside is not a good man, not to mention my ex AC is only good to me as long as I put him on the pedestal, adores him, listens to what he says but once I realize his true face and starts speaking up for myself, he kicks me to the curb!
Reading the comments has really helped me. I’ve really been struggling about defining my boundaries and values, but seeing that other women were called a b**** by their SO’s brought back a memory of a guy I’ve been pining for who called me a b****. He said it in a joking manner like “B****, please!” but that is one word that I will not tolerate coming out of the lips of any man (or woman) towards me. That’s where I personally draw the line. I just realized that if a man does not speak to me with respect, he is not worthy of me. Some people may think my example is extreme, but I think it was just indicative of his overall attitude towards me. That he felt that comfortable calling me a b****, even jokingly, is a problem for me and will not be tolerated. Thanks for these great comments. They help so much.
BR addict, Sounds familiar. I tried NC many times before, so many people would say, just don’t answer his calls…which led to him knocking on my doors and windows anytime of the day or night, or breaking in, waiting outside my house for me to come home, which led to me hiding in my dark house pretending I wasn’t home. He caught on to that and would then just insult me through the door. I really couldn’t get away. I felt terrorized. I felt like I had no options, but could not take it anymore and starting making plans to get out of this. I secretly looked for new apartments for about six months. Found a place out of his “territory”, and just by stroke of luck or divine intervention he announced the week I was supposed to move he was going out of town. He had no idea. I just had to really make a decision and do it. No more wavering. No more opening the door just a little to talk to him. No more threats that he was going to lose me. No more trying to talk.
I know what you mean about feeling guilt though. I called the cops on him once when he broke a window, they took him out in handcuffs and I felt “bad”! What I realize now is that it wasn’t guilt exactly but fear that I was going to lose him by standing up for myself. I wasn’t ready to let go. Why? I had lost respect for myself. I hated him but wanted him to want me. Period. I WAS A VALIDATION SEEKER. You have to make a decision, solely for yourself that this is a destructive road. Make the steps to get out whatever way you can. Be strong. Be strong. Be strong. Stay with a relative, with a friend…just don’t engage with him even if he does show up. Your anger or tears are HIS validation. Don’t give it to him. Life his too short to live in misery.
Hi Gayle,
After re-reading my post, I realize my situation does sound pretty nightmarish. I didn’t mean to make the relationship sound so one-sided. It’s not ALL bad. There’s no question it’s more bad than good, but I’m not in fear of my safety or anything. I was really venting over the fact that he’s extremely difficult to break up with. He’s not physically abusive at all. Sorry if I made it sound so extreme.
Jenny,
This relationship has exposed the fact that I have some issues to work on for sure. I should clarify that while his stalking is a pain in the ass (to put it plainly), I still have feelings for him and that’s the main reason he’s able to steamroll me back into the relationship. But honestly, if he didn’t stalk me, I would never go back. It’s weird. I guess it’s a certain powerlessness I feel at times. I’m not used to having to “battle” for my freedom. Who is? You’re right, I do want him to want me, but he wouldn’t be the first guy to NOT want me so I know it’s deeper than that. I have patterns that were formed in childhood. They’re deep and entrenched at this point, but still they can be undone. I believe! LOL! I believe the guilt that I feel is genuine. It’s amazing the impact fear and guilt can have on a person’s life. I realize I have great difficulty “being the bad guy”. I function in a ‘people pleasing’ pattern in most of my relationships. I’m the person that would rather be rejected than have to reject someone. Guilt does more to me than rejection does.
The bottom line is I don’t want the man to hate me which means I’m still seeking validation on some level. I’m really sick! 🙂
Thanks for the words of encouragement ladies! To live is to learn 🙂
I really hope you will seek some professional help, so that you may work through your issues.
I think you stated the situation for what it is. It sounds like you’re backtracking on your original comments, so that you will not have to do what’s necessary. If you feel someone is stalking you, this is not normal, and could defintly get worse.
Your happiness is up to you.
BR.
This sounds horrible! What do you mean that you’re #2?
“The relationship has been full of drama. He’s passive-aggressive, abusive (mentally & emotionally), emotionally unavailable, extremely jealous and possessive. The things you said that your ex said to you reminded me a lot of some vicious things my “boyfriend” has said to me. My standards have been lowered to the point of accepting being called “bitch” or “whorish b****” on a regular basis. I’m not even his girlfriend. I’m in the #2 spot. If I miss a phone call he’ll leave nasty msgs saying “I know you’re out f’ing around. Have fun B****””.
I started reading this blog a few months ago, hoping I could shed some light on my situation. I’m so grateful for the information and support, , but I’m going to tell my story, hoping someone can comment and help me. My involvement with my MM started in 1983, I was 23, he was 34. We worked together, were attracted to each other, and started a relationship that lasted 3 years. I was the perfect OW, never intruded on his other life, but about 2 years in to the relationship, his wife started showing up places I was. She joined my gym, enrolled in a class I was taking. One day, I even saw her standing on the corner of my street, like she was waiting for me to come home. I started in therapy to try to break off the relationship. I finally decided that I would have to find a new job. My MM never encouraged or discouraged me. I started my new job, trying to have no contact, and I found out I was pregnant. He wanted nothing to do with it, I had an abortion. My truth was I wanted him to leave her, marry me, have the baby. But , I stayed in therapy, had no contact with him after that. A year later, I met a great guy, married, and had 2 kids. Fast forward 20 years…my husband I are having issues, I spot an obituary in the paper, his mother died. I sent him a condolence email, and he replied. 13 emails later, he is asking if we can get togethether. We live in different states now, he’s still married to her. We haven’t seen each other, but email every day…What is wrong with me?? I worked so hard to get him out of my life so long ago, and I feel like I’m right back there in the 80s.
Nothing is wrong with you. But for starters don’t ever call yourself “lost”. Act as if. Change your name to something positive.
You are only human. It doesn’t mean you have to interupt your life. Take it as an ego boost and nothing more, no need for drama or having a mad affair and ruining your marriage.
We are sensual, sensitive creatures and emotional beings but remember your emotional intelligence and your personal self worth. Don’t fling your self esteem all over the place and expect men to gather the bits up for you. Men are just desserts they are not the glue that binds us.
Enjoy your visit if you choose to meet him and make it fun and productive but don’t fall apart.
Take care.
I am actually really surprised by some of the responses. Maybe it is ok with some of you to sleep with married or taken men. Personally I don’t. Now I am not trying to condemn anyone here – but is that not a lack of integrity? – not just to ones self (I don’t share and do not expect my guy to share me) but to ones own husband, children, the others partner and their children?
I would have rathered my guy to have slept with the other woman and never talk to her again then carry on an emotional affair. The emotional part was harder for me. I believe I deserve a man to myself – triangles are just ugly and lots of drama.
Please, please consider how you hurt yourself and others when engaging in this behavior. Now if your in an open relationship and the other person is as well and everyone knows that’s different – but deception is never a good choice in my book.
Work on your marriage and let the other person either work on theirs or find someone else to do the “dirty” work of ruining his marriage along with him.
To Lostat50…
After reading your post i really feel for you. How awful to be catapulted back into your old feelings after doing so well for so long. However, I hope you do not take offence by what I am about to say but you have to take accountability for contacting him. You are clearly a loving person with a kind nature but this man has obviously shown you time and time again he is a user and emotionally unavailable. What you saw as a heartfelt condolence email he obviously saw as an OPERTUNITY to get back into your life for an ego stroke, shag, shoulder to lean on etc etc. I think it’s important for us ladies to realise that if you give some men an inch they will take a mile and this man obviously doesn’t have your best interests at heart as he was not able to commit to you 20 years ago so he sure as hell won’t be able to now. I truly think that if someone loves you fully he will make you his NUMBER 1 and this man made you his number 2. You’re better than that. WHatever problems you are having with your husband I think you should try and talk through them as your hubby married you, made you his NUMBER 1. Your ex never offered you this. Why does he deserve your time after all these years?? There is obviously a love that runs deep in your heart for your ex but is a part of it a feeling of not having closure. Do you want him to validate you after all these years? Because you could get back with him but there is a BIG chance he never will do this. Stay positive and proceed with caution. if you miss the drama of him then by all means have him back in your life. But it will be drama so be ready for it. You are beautiful and deserve real love. Life is about going forward not back.
Jenna and Judy..thanks so much for your comments. I’ve searched the internet trying to read as much as I can about this. I guess the real solution is the same as before…no contact. Yes , to him I will always be #2, and that is the real truth.
BR
Standing up for what you want and for what you deserve does not make you a”bad guy”. Ask yourself this, “does HE feel guilt over treating me badly and cheating on someone else to do it?” (treating her badly too) I know that sounds harsh, but why is he allowed to have 2 women and you can’t even talk to other men? It is very lopsided. For about three years (together 4 years) I went back and forth in my head….still felt feelings for him, still wanted him, had an occasional fun time with him but the bottom line was, he just didn’t care about my feelings, my health, my life, my happiness, or what was fair to me. He said he did, he said he loved me all the time but his actions certainly didn’t say that. I had my head in the sand, but when I finally pulled it out I saw things in perspective. Pulling my head out of the sand was the hardest thing to do….because yes, I still had feelings for him but I was tired of being hurt and unhappy and disrespected. Leaving him behind HURTS. I still hurt, still cry over it, but just took a deep breath and decided I deserve better. The stress is gone. I feel better about myself.
I wish you the best of luck. Be good to yourself. It feels so much better.
“I think the most common misconception I come across is that people seem to think that for their guy to be an assclown, they need to be cheating.”
Natalie, I’m glad you clarified this. Your posts mention “cheating” a LOT, so that is how the misconception may have arisen.
I believe my last guy was an A/C and an EUM, even though he didn’t cheat and was home a lot.
Hello NML! Nice to read your blog again.
Just finished a month relationship with, you guessed it, an assclown.
Started out great, promised marriage, the moon and the stars, and then stopped calling regularly. I let him know that if he said he was going to call in an exclusive relationship, he should follow through. He didn’t honor my wishes, and had sporadic contact. His last text was, it will be late, but I’d like to come over (no planning ahead, like I should drop everything). I’m through.
Learning men who think “You’re the one” in two dates have a similiar pattern. They are insecure, “jump at all skirts” kind of men. Good lesson for me.
Oh, and of course, he was drop dead gorgeous.
This one only took a couple weeks to figure out and a good lesson.
I’ll be looking for the normal guy that talks a normal talk.
No fast charming EUMs.
Myrtle…recovered assclown lover and leaver since 12/29/09
-Learning to see the signs, and run away. Run away!!!!!
Oh – just LMAO – recovered AC lover and LEAVER – LOLOLOLOLOLOL. LOVE IT!! Go girl go girl!
Aimee, I hope you see this, I just wanted to let you know that I had to change my user name,,,me ex AC signed onto the site (I saw his “like” on FB)…Freaked me out! This is the one place I come to vent, and now I feel stalked. Maybe this will help for you to know who I am, “do you want to come over for coffee, I wish you lived next door to me”. It’s me!! Just so you know! Make note of the new user name…
I don’t even know where to begin. This has woken me up like you can’t imagine. I had no idea…..i thought I was alone in this. My ex didn’t cheat (that I know about) although I did tell him once I thought he was capable of hitting me or other women. That should have been enough to get me to leave but I didn’t. He also thinks he’s “not so bad” because he does chase women just for sex. How is lying, deceiving you and pretending to want a future with you when he doesn’t any better than hitting you or sleeping with someone else? Its as destructive, self-esteem damaging as anything. I has taken me a long time to stop thinking of him as a good guy. He’s not. He’s a jerk who lied and made alot of promises he never intended to keep. I stayed and I know I shouldn’t have. I am not proud of that.
Woooow, I am soo glad this post is here cause i thought i was alone too in this situation. I’ve been back and forth for two yrs with my assclown simply because he’s never actually cheated or slept with women…..that i know of.,?- It’s been very difficult to leave him with that realization, and with his “i’m not that bad attitude”!!! But i’m sooo confused and i know i deserve better than what i’ve been getting . He has been very disrespectful, flurts at work, lies, twist his words, fakes a future, takes his problems out on me, blows hot and cold, and so on. I’m constanly catching him in lies about his ex-grlsfriends he talks to on the phone with whom he sneaks to see behind my back whenever they come in town!!! I even found Chase Bank receipts that proved he had an account with this woman in New York!!! And every time I confront him on his behavior he says i’m attacking him and now he doesn’t love me the same and wants out of the relationship. I’m actually sick and tired my self of the drama, but i love him so much and don’t want to regret letting him go for good. I don’t know ! He’s a 59yr old egotistical narcissistic prick sometimes, and then at times he treats me like a queen- but lately he’s been just ‘going through the the motions’ because he doesn’t want to lose me and be alone.
Wow – what an eye opener this post is. I was the queen of making excuses for my assclown. He wasn’t so bad, he wasn’t all about sex, he didn’t cheat (that I know about). Justifying and rationalize bad behaviour has to be the first sign something is very very wrong. What scares me is where my head had to have been at for this to happen. Is there some sort of clinical amnesia that takes over when we fall in love (or think we have)? Why couldn’t I see this at the time, or even for some time after?
It has taken me a long time to accept my ex was an assclown. He believed he was a good guy and he convinced me as well. It hits me in waves, throughout the day. I remember an incident, a comment, an email and just want to be sick. I am literally sitting here, shaking my head in disbelief. I read the post on spotting an assclown and he had every single one of those traits -every one! How could I not have seen what a miserable waste of time he was? What is wrong with me?
Sarah
There’s nothing “wrong” with you!
There’s an old saying:
when loves walks through the door common sense flies out the window!
(maybe the secret is to keep the windows closed!)
I know exactly what you mean about finding yourself shaking your head in disbelief at your own behaviour – it’s hard to imagine why on earth why you didn’t tell him to f-off a hundred times… love is blind, they say…and there’s none so blind as those who cannot see…
Even when I knew full well that he was treating me badly, I buried it; I imagined that there must be some reason, some explanation for it because I knew him to be a “decent” sort of guy.. I often thought “it must be me”, that I was just being suspicious and distrusting…
I think iti is important even if you/whoever has not committed to getting out of it, to at the very least remove yourself from the situation for a while with a view to getting out for good – it clears the head – clears the fog – and you find that you start to see, and cringe at, all those times you should have told him to f-off and you are far more likely to do what you should have done a hundred times before now: tell him to f-off and stay f-offed!