Judging by the amount of interest in emotionally unavailable men, it is clear that most women have had some experience of being with a guy that blows hot and cold. This inconsistent behaviour means that as long as you’re with him, you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. If you’re with a man who is emotionally unavailable (Mr Unavailable), it is rarely a good indicator of things to come. But why do they blow hot and cold?

They love the thrill of the chase. Men that turn on the hot and cold tap of attention have limited attention spans. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you.

They are too cowardly to admit that they are not ready for a relationship. Instead they just p*ss off and withdraw and then blow hot when you kick up a fuss about their poor behaviour…or they need some sex or attention.

They like toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, they get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.

They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl...

They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind. They’ll also fake a future to get what they want.

They are undecided about you but like keeping you on ice. They’re like dogs in mangers…they’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you so they hog up your life and keep you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of them as your only option.

And occasionally, they are so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of them...But that is a rarity and their behaviour shows that they have issues that are counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundations of your relationship!

Because they blow hot, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them stop.

Because they blow hot, when they blow cold you don’t acknowledge what that means, and instead focus on the fact that you know that they’re capable of blowing hot.

Because they blow hot and then cold, when you call them on it, they either quickly start blowing hot, or tell you to stop being so needy. Often they refuse to acknowledge their poor behaviour.

If you stick around a man that blows hot and cold, eventually he gets the message that he can do what he likes because you’re still there. There’s no more ‘hot’ then…it’s just luke warm or cold as ice…

Remember that the survival of your relationship is dependent on consistencies. Don’t make the mistake of translating ‘he blows hot and cold’ into drama. Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently. Don’t be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth.

Also read my post on The Status Quo which explains how these guys use blowing hot and cold to manage your expectations and keep the relationship in their comfort zone and you fall in sync by creating drama.

My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, you can also get Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl.

Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter – @baggagereclaim .

Natalie (NML) – who has written posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.


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36 Responses to Why do men blow hot and cold?

  1. JaneC says:

    I am finally out of my yo-yo days after 2+ years. I made so many excuses for him from his inexperience with women to his being ambitious and hard-working and committed to his business. He falls in every one of those paragraphs above!

    I finally realized all that was just his “cover” to stay out of a committed relationship.

    “Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently.”

    Too true!

  2. AERNYC says:

    I definately just dated one of those. For three months. When we first started dating he came on very strong, always telling me how much he liked me and as soon as i started to reciprocate all of a sudden i was being too serious. As soon as i back off he starts complaining how i’m using him for sex and that he wants something more serious. So i get drawn back in…and you can guess the rest!

    Talk about hot and cold and not knowing what he wanted.

    Love reading your blog!

  3. If onlt I had read this before I got married… ten long years ago… argh!

  4. Emma says:

    Great Alanis Morissette quote.

  5. Pheobie says:

    Great article… I am dating with 58 years old guy, who are not emotionally available (I am 42). I am very attracted his power, money and knowledge, yet tired to be his yo-yo girl. Age doesn’t determine anything in terms of the relationship…

  6. Jenny says:

    I’m having this experience right now and at the risk of trying to nice it up for myself, I think this guy fell in love and the crap was scared out of him. BUT even if he’s in love and fearful, the fact that he’s blowing hot/cold doesn’t make me feel loved – just blue. I am still emotionally invested in him and honestly wish it could work out but I really don’t think it will and I have to go through the process of detaching myself from hi. For me, what I believe will work is a discussion with him about his behaviour for the sake of much needed closure.

  7. Vicky says:

    OMG, Jenny. You took the words out of my mouth. I am experiencing the exact same issues. I am SO in love with him. And I swear, in return, all my confidence is gone. He’s being so cold and I haven’t done anything wrong. I hate being the victim, but I so am!

  8. Maggie Perez says:

    yeah, i’m in a relationship right now and a lot of this sounds just like him. we’ve been together for almost 2 years and our relationship is always fluctuating. It goes up and down all the time. why can’t it ever be straight!!!!!!!

  9. Jessica says:

    I have been dating a guy for nearly 3 months and things seemed like they were going great. He was introducing me to his friends; kept inviting me out to do things and then all of a sudden, BAM! He’s not calling, or returning calls. I am very hurt because I thought we were on the same page, but obviously I was wrong. I’ve been through this in the past and I will NOT let this guy suck me back in (if he ever decides to stop being a coward and come out of hiding). I want a guy who wants to be with me! I deserve no less. Chin up ladies…. supposedly the nice guy is out there…. ugh

  10. Andy says:

    I had a great relationship with my girlfriend but within weeks she was attempting full commitment – including wanting me to move in with her.She also did some very bad things,including attempting to get pregnant deceptively.She constantly sought verbal clarification of my love for her, to the point of obsession.She wanted me to ask her to marry her,just pretend to…this had the effect of pushing me away – it was all too much.All this coupled with the fact that she had split from her husband 7 years before and was yet to formalise it.I made the mistake of not completely breaking off with her for these reasons – I continued to be friends with her and this gave her hope that things would change.I also hoped that she would change too.I am not sure this makes me a commitment phobe – I think I was simply pushed too hard,too soon and had trust issues due to her actions.

  11. Gina says:

    THE STORY OF MY DATING HISTORY lol — I was so grateful to have came across this site and put words to the patterns that were going on. It’s funny when I picture “blowing hot and blowing cold” I see the big bad wolf in sheeps clothing… but we knew it all along!! It was always the case when I called on their “coldness” they tell me I was being too needy or play dumb and because I doubted my own feelings and perceptions thought I was going crazy and then thought “it must be me”… ahhh, thank goodness I am enlightened. Of course I know now from this site and self exploration that I was emotionally unavailable therefore leading myself into the direction that was inevitiable, but there is something about these mens behaviors that hook us in like fish that thought it was real grub, but just fake bait!

  12. sara says:

    It’s all on the first few weeks, texts and seeing eachother but the next few weeks no word from him and its funny because it kinda can be perceived as needy/clingy behaviour and i was the person ‘hard to get’ who follows whims (still) and cringed at my friends clingy relationships. I use to say “living in each others pocket” etc but then again THAT is clingy, feeling insecure without eachother all the time but its not clingy to wonder why someone’s hot one moment, and cold the next. I get the chase thing and if they won you too easily they get bored..it’s just when I haven’t been interested in someone who was chasing me, they pursued quite hard…and then when there was someone interested in me that i in turn liked, i out right said i liked them too, as they said about me too. Am I to take it that we’re to pretend we’re not interested so that they get to chase? Men – i mean, boys, like that, need to grow up and become men. Games…cut the foreplay, and just play!

  13. emmaj says:

    The same for me. Been talkin to a fella for two years.. met him twice.. my feelings and emotiions for him are really strong.. love amlost.. i kissed him.. he kissed me back.. he said he likes me.. likes how i am.. likes how i look.. but its left at that. When he goes all quiet and i question him why.. he says he wants nothing to more to do with me! Im left feelin confused and lost! Feels like iv lost two years of my life!

  14. MERRYGOROUND says:

    IT’S THE SAME FOR ME BUT I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH A MAMA’S BOY,I KNOW I HAVE TO MOVE ON, IT’S SO HARD WHEN HE LIVES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I FEEL THAT HIS MOTHER HATES ME AND IT WORSE BECAUSE HE LIVES IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO HIS PARENTS, HE WAS HURT VERY BADLY IN THE PAST, AT AGE 20, HIS GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS PREGNANT HAD THE BABY AND LEFT HER WITH HIM TO RAISE ANS SHE IS TOTALLY A SPOILED ROTTEN CHILD. HE MADE THE FIRST MOVE WHEN I MOVED IN 3 YEARS AGO WITH ALL THESES PROMISES OF BIG PLANS OF THE THINGS WE WERE GOING TO DO TOGETHER BUT NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH THEM, I FEEL LIKE HE IS WATCHING ME CONSTANTLY AND KEEPING TABS ON MY LIFE AND OCCASIONALLY HAS THE NERVE ENOUGH TO SAY HI BUT THAT’S IT. I WISH I COULD MOVE BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. AS LONG AS I HAVE KNOWN HIM, HE HASEN’T HAD A GIRLFRIEND ,HE ALWAYS RUNS AWAY. I GOT THE BIG PICTURE THOUGH AND I AM MOVING ON! HIS LOSS!

  15. Kaz says:

    This blog says it all. I’ve spent months analysing a guy who I like from work and why he acts hot and cold. It seems that when I have lost interest in him and it shows he likes to reel me back in. There’s a definite conclusion that I have come to…just like the film, he aint that interested. When a guy is genuinely interested in a girl he will show it, even if it’s just bumping in to her, being in the same place as her or making small chat. The guy at work just makes me feel down about myself, but it’s hard to let go when someone is blowing hot and cold.

  16. Mgirl says:

    This post made me cry when I read it. A year of my boyfriend acting like he’s a changed guy for a while and trying to be sweeter/pay more attention . . . but always going back to “cold”. He will just ignore me for days – not call, not answer my text or answer it very shortly and coldly. This is not even after we’ve had a fight- we don’t fight, he just treats me like dog shit every once in a while for no reason. He likes to alternate between being really sweet and affectionate, and then just acting like I don’t exist. Most times I’ve stood up for myself he will still just ignore me. Only when he’s made me cry does he try to act a little nicer for a while. but it never lasts. I can’t believe I have wasted a year crying myself to sleep and being so lonely and depressed while supposedly being in a “relationship”.

    • Valley Forge Lady says:

      IIf you were to marry this guy….the same acitivity would be emotional abuse. If you treated him this way…..he would probably look for someome else! You are settling for less than you deserve!

  17. tina says:

    I dont like guys blow hot and cold. If they do this i’ll just move on.

  18. [...] talking about stuff like boundaries, passive aggression, The Status Quo, how we become the pursuer, blowing hot and cold, how to spot emotionally unavailable men, the powerbase, being the girl that cried wolf, the guy [...]

  19. Wendy says:

    Mine was kinda sorta after me for TWO YEARS then finally asked me out. He was still “roomates” (larf) with his ex so I said call me when you have your own place.
    he got his own place 2 weeks later and began to pursue.
    At first *I* was just in it for a lay, a movie, some good convo, etc and made that clear and that made him pursue more…presents, calling every night, etc. I broke boundaries (such as letting him be around my kids after a few weeks instead of months).
    Then suddenly he withdrew the sexual aspect. I suspect now , that this was a control tactic bcuz i was obviously just in it for the good time. He had a host of seemingly fab reasons for this, all of which added up to wanting MORE than just sex with me. LOL. So he was coming on so strong i began to look at him as more, and AS SOON as I emoted to him i might be developing deeper feelings, HE BLEW COLD. I was demoted from date or even “bed buddy” to …FRIENDS, altho he wouldn’t even say that. Just keeping me in limbo i guess.
    After a week of that, he totally disappeared, no calling , no call-BACKS, no facebook replies.
    So when he resurfaced a week later and said it felt “like time to have you over for dinner again” I said yeah sure then I left him a phone message saying “whatever this is, it isn’t working out for me” etc. Very nice and polite. I also facebook deleted him and left him a facebook msg saying i wasn’t mad just a clean break is best.
    We live on a small island, he has no friends and is socially inept so I know he won’t do better than me (for long)

    Today I found out he was likely not only seeing his EX (which i was fine with, since i didnt’ want to be serious) but likely another woman as well, and likely telling us all the same sob story about how the other ones were crazy, or whatever .

    I highly recommend the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” > I bought it a year ago and if not for that book, i would have let this go on longer than a few months. Much longer. The book is Waaaaay better than the movie and every woman should read it. It will help you set boundaries at the very least.

  20. JJ says:

    I was reading this post and started to just think back in my own situation and how all of the signs were clear and steer right in front of me. His possessiveness; clingyness; and his non stop phone calls to me everyday all day in the beginning of our year relationship. Him admitting to me that he screwed someone else the night after his wedding simply because he married her for all the wrong reasons and he didn’t love her. Him making excuses for not seeing his kids and that his ex wife was keeping them from him.(He hadn’t seen them in a year). His neediness of and always stating that he needed money for this bill and money for that bill at the same time looking for a HANDOUT from WHO? (ME). Him trying to upgrade his kitchen with some of the highest brands of STAINLESS STEEL appliances(borrowing the money to buy it from one of his other VICTIMS ofcourse cause he dam sure didn’t get it from me) but half a year behind on his mortgage payments!! What was I thinking? I wasn’t. We women fail to see the RED FLAGS when they are there!! On my way to working on becoming a better ME version of me while he is still stuck in the same place of being HIM and on to his next VICTIM. Feels good to finally be FREE!! Good luck ladies.

  21. JJ says:

    Oh I almost forgot about the condom wrapper that i found in his bathroom trash can the last time I went over for a visit but he swore down that it was his cousin’s who had some girl over at his crib the night before. His sheets were off his bed that day too. Red Flags; Red flags; Wake UP!!

  22. Kathy says:

    Wow…after reading this blog I have no hope for the future. The men I have been involved with in the past have been like this. Total head cases. The games they play are serious and heartbreaking. I have to say one thing, I thought I was alone but i guess not. Good luck to all you ladies..I hope we each find a good one….

  23. Kati says:

    i just got back from a weekend with a guy i’ve been seeing for about eight months. in that time he has promised me a lot, told me i am his world and although it’s been up and down we had kinda talked about moving in once he cleared some room. talk talk talk is all he has done about that and sweet fa more. this weekend he whisked me to scotland, great food, expensive hotel treated me like a queen. then we get back and he blows hot and cold. phew don’t know whether i’m coming or going. he says he really loves me and wants to be with me but i don’t know where the actions are because he seems to do a lot of stuff to make me feel ignored when i’m at his place then he wonders why i get upset. he says he likes to wind people up (other people) but i am wondering if he is getting off on doing this to me too? it seems to be happening more and more as we get further into this relationship. how do i know if he’s just not that into me or is just scared (he had a v bad childhood) and wanting to go slower? i’m in pretty deep maybe i just can’t see the truth cos it hurts x

  24. JJ says:

    @ Kati

    I think men blow hot and cold because its just what they do. Not all of them. its usually just the egotistical EUM; and Narcissist Ass clowns that do. Sounds like you are just in the beginning of a relationship that seems to be going or getting nowhere. If a man wants to move in with you and they want to be with you they’re actions will speak for them…. His actions of saying one thing and doing another pleads the case… He’s just not that into you. He’s only as into you as much as he wants to be. I would quit all the chit chase unless you want to keep going on for years…. and wonder why you’re still stuck at square one. I think all of us women on this site need each others support so just offering mine. Hope it helps.

  25. Becky says:

    i came across this while searching on google for help. i’ve been on and off with this lad for about 3/4 years, and one week, he says he loves me so much and i’m the only thing in his life that means something. he mainly says this when he is drunk, he texts me saying these things, i barely make out what he says. and then he’s saying he misses me and wants to see me when he comes home (he’s in the raf), and then we do, we meet up, cuddle, kiss and then end up having sex. and then after when i go home, i sometimes don’t hear from him for days. i last saw him 4 days ago (he’s home for the week), i slept over at his house. and i hadnt heard from him, until 2 days ago, i texted him asking if we could see each other again before he goes back to raf and when we could and he said not sure tbh. meaning he’s busy. i understand that he’s busy but he doesn’t TRY to make an effort. and then today, i texted him saying, have you changed your mind about us? have you gone off me? cos it doesn’t seem like you want to see me again. and he didn’t reply, so about 6 hours ago, i texted him saying, ‘why are you ignoring me, u didn’t reply. cos i’m right? you don’t want to see me again after you got what you wanted off me, sex? what’s going on? i don’t understand you anymore.’ and he just replied saying, i was busy that’s all, i haven’t done owt wrong, i’m back for a week and i’ve got lots to do.’ and i didn’t reply cos i didn’t know what to say to that, then he texted me half an hour later saying, you ignoring me now? and i put no i just didn’t know what to say.. i put something along the lines of, i understand you’re busy, but you could make a bit more of an effort etc :/ and he still hasn’t replied. i know to you people reading this, this may sound like he’s using me for sex, but i do believe he loves me, but sometimes he’s off with me and i don’t know why. argh, this really gets me down and i cry myself to sleep sometimes. i don’t know what to do. my head says leave him and get over him, but my heart pines for him, pines for the lad i fell in love with and was so sweet til he turned like this.

  26. Nono says:

    Seriously, why are men like this? Two years of my life I have spend either trying to get my ex back or trying to forget him. When the time came I decided to forget all about him he was there, just into time to make sure I wouldn’t forget him. Then hope came and all he did was mess me up all over again. I have loved him unconditionally and he was keeping all of his options open. In the end, just a couple of months ago I begged him to let me go. Either you step up and be with me or you leave me alone, I close all doors for you, you won’t ever get a chance again. And I even said “If you don’t want to answer now, then take some to think about it, but eventually you have to let me go because I can’t do this dance you do, anymore!” He didn’t answer, but I told my self that he was to much of a coward to tell me to my face that he would give it up. Almost 3 months passed and on a lonely sunday he texted me. He first he said: “I have thought about it. Would you like to hear it? Or did you decide that is already over between us?” My heart was punching through my chest. I texted him that I was curious to know what he wanted to say. He said that those last words of mine made him think and he wanted to invest in us and if I wanted the same. I told him that I wanted that too. So he asked me to meet. We met a weak later and we talked about everything that we did wrong and why he kept leaving me and coming back to me. In the end I didn’t know what to say anymore and just like that in the moment of silence he proposed to me. I said yes, but in our culture you have to ask the father first, so we can’t go public yet (but his entire family knows). Now we have to wait for my parents to return from a long vacation and I am getting more and more anxious. I caught my self thinking of him changing his mind every minute of the day. Even before I sleep I wonder “When will he tell me he doesn’t want to marry me?” It drives me insane, somehow I have made my self believe that he’s not marrying me out of love (because I love him so much more) but out of convience. I’m afraid he’s settling because I was an easy option.

    It’s become a very long post, but I really needed to write this down because I am going crazy and I don’t want to talk about it with friends.

  27. Chloe says:

    These are all signs your seeing an immature asshole! I’ve had this problem, met this guy, he was great, funny and I should have seen the signs at the beginning when he was txting me constantly, saying he liked me, even saying ‘you make me happy’ within about 2 weeks of meeting him! He would want to spend every night at my house, we got along great and I honestly thought he liked me. He would look at me longingly, couldnt stay away from me, would cuddle me and kiss me and no didnt seem to care when some nights we didnt have sex. This guy is a hardcore pot smoker and seems to not be quite right in the head, he doesnt sleep at all and barely eats either. He also sells pot. I do believe that smoking £60-£70 worth of pot a day and sleeping for about 1 hour a night must play with someones head, and I think I used this as an excuse for some of his bizarre behaviour. He would often say I need to take you out somewhere when I sort my head out, and often saying his head is mashed, which I have no doubt it is. Anyway I havn’t now seen him for a week and a half, he said he was going to get me a card and come and see me on my birthday (his idea) then the day after (my birthday) said he couldnt come because he had no money, he has bought a motorbike wich i think is why, I said to him whatever seeya in a bit, he then kept sending me messages on facebook saying why you being like that, then I ignored him and he said is that how it is then..I decided yesterday I cant be bothered with this head messing idiot that no longer can be bothered coming seeing me, he txts me once or twice a day to ask what im doing, and when he finds out im at home doing nothing thats it for the rest of the day, but when I go out with a mutual male friend of ours, he always txts me..this guy is so friggin confusing I deleted him off facebook last night and deleted his number, surprise surprise he hasnt even noticed yet, when he does if he doesnt message me I will have my confirmation that he has gone off me, and if he does ask me why i will say because you obviously dont want to come and see me anymore so why bother txting me everyday…I dont want to be messed around constantly waiting for some guy to txt saying shall i come to yours tonight, this guy is an asshole and I should have seen the signs early on..maybe he lost interest I dont know, its his loss and i often dont understand as I am very goodlooking and have an really great figure, maybe thats what attracted him but I also have a bubbly nice personality to! He is average looking and hangs out with a bunch of losers, I have guys after me all over so why doesn’t he want me? He would also act like he wanted to be with me (and believe me Im not stupid I can tell the signs if a guy does actually like you), but never asked me out. I came to the conclusion he was either using me for sex or he has gone off me/got bored. Atleast have the decency to tell me and not keep txting me so I can forget about the loser and move on!

    • Nicole says:

      Chloe, did we date the same guy???!!! My ex-AC pothead would do the exact same thing with the texting to see what I was up to. Just wanting to know if I was out with another guy, I’m sure. They don’t exactly want us, but don’t want anyone else to have us either!

  28. veebs says:

    I’ve met so many hot-and-colders! My current one spent a week texting me dozens and dozens of times a day, saying that I would make him a great wife, that he gets a good vibe from me, if we’re still together next year let’s get engaged, he’s crazy about me, can’t stop thinking about me, then went almost completely cold with the excuse that he’s stressed at work.

    Meanwhile I’m getting into my stride with this man, feeling chipper for the first time in a good while and then left wondering why all of a sudden he’s gone off the boil.

    I just hate this kind of BS too; sh*t or get off the pot is the saying, I believe. Stop wasting my time.

  29. Cee says:

    Wow. its like the universe sent me to your site. i have been dating someone for a year. i racked my brain, talked this to death and couldnt figure out what i was doing wrong. there is a little bit of him in each story. i really need to figure out something. i dont want to be here in a year. I didnt even know what to call it until now. thanks. I thought it was just me :)

  30. private says:

    great article. i can really relate to this.

    my advice to every one in a relationship like this is to get out while it’s in the early stages. i stayed for years dating on and off the same guy.. since i always thought maybe this time he’d be different and actually be consistent… but each time i just kept getting my hopes up. In the end after years of hot and cold.. he finally convinced me how he would be there for me and that he really wanted to be with me… i finally believed all his promises since i started seeing that he was putting in a decent effort and not just his words..guess what? just when i finally believed him, One week later he broke up with me and wouldn’t tell me the reason for the break up. Why couldn’t he just break up with me before he tried so hard in convincing me that he wanted to be with me?? it would have saved me the heartache and him the amount of effort and time it took him to try convince me. i just don’t get it. it’s been 2 years since our break up and i still can’t get over it. it wasn’t the fact that we broke up. it was the way he broke up with me that i couldn’t get over. the way he did it was just so cruel. to build some one’s hopes up really high to just squish them in the end. Now i have 0 confidence & 0 trust in people.. every time some one does something nice for me or says something nice. i always think its fake and don’t believe them so to every one going through this.. get out before he ruins your confidence and trust in people and breaks your heart..

    I really regret ever meeting him because what i miss most about myself is i guess my innocence which i lost. before i met him.. i used to see the world through rose colored glasses. i didn’t know people could be so cruel.

    • Allison says:

      Private,

      Most of us can relate to your situation, as it was very painful and damaging to the self-esteem.

      You can turn this around for yourself, if you desire. After my relationship, I recognized that I had low boundaries and poor self-esteem, this situation made me recognize that I had to make positive changes in every area of my life-eliminating toxic friends and establishing boundaries. It took this painful situation to see what I was lacking and what changes were necessary to have a fulfilling life-our problems existed before we met these men.

      Make this your epiphany and grow, don’t continue to give this man so much power! There are plenty of good people out there, but we must be more discerning in our choices: don’t give people numerous chances when they repeatedly disappoint.

  31. private says:

    to everyone going through this and nitpicking everything about yourself trying to figure out why he is doing this to you and thinking that there is something wrong you did for him to behave this way towards you. it is not you. i did that to myself and i am now slowly trying to rebuild myself again.

    now the only things i look for in a man.. is consistency & honesty. lol no more hot & cold guys for me thanks.

  32. Lesley says:

    I’m new to this website an as well as the above article am loving the depth of the posts and the consideration and wisdom shown by NML.I’m in my mid forties now and the comments above resound to me concerning my last relationship, where I spent five years with a puppet master, finally getting out when I realised it didn’t really matter if I was there or not. This man stacked up his own self esteem by controlling mine and eventualy ran out of hot/cold tactics. I lost a lot, emotionally, financially and crucially energy! Reason I ‘d welcome advce on my situation is i’ve very recently(after eighteen months) ventured out dating again… I ‘m bricking it. I think I ‘m going to make the same mistake again. Example…went out with guy I met two or three weeks ago on Sunday, good date, we’d been e mailing loads before that, lots of flirting, nothing heavy, just friendly and light. He seemed very interested, complimented me on my looks, seemed keen.
    We kissed, it was lovely, nothing more than that. Now I ‘m starting to panic that he won’t get back and that i’m about to be manipulated by a fiend again.Too early, I hear you say…calm down but I did kind of like this man and don’t want to blow it. I won’t phone him or text first, doesn’t feel right. My question is am I allowing the negativity surrounding my earlier relationship to conquer and control me and how do I stop it? I also have really worked on valuing myself and want to recognise the signs earlier this time….any help appreciated..x

My Book - Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl

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