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Judging by the amount of interest in emotionally unavailable men, it is clear that most women have had some experience of being with a guy that blows hot and cold. This inconsistent behaviour means that as long as you’re with him, you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. If you’re with a man who is emotionally unavailable (Mr Unavailable), it is rarely a good indicator of things to come. But why do they blow hot and cold?
They love the thrill of the chase. Men that turn on the hot and cold tap of attention have limited attention spans. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you.
They are too cowardly to admit that they are not ready for a relationship. Instead they just p*ss off and withdraw and then blow hot when you kick up a fuss about their poor behaviour…or they need some sex or attention.
They like toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, they get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.
They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl...
They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind. They’ll also fake a future to get what they want.
They are undecided about you but like keeping you on ice. They’re like dogs in mangers…they’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you so they hog up your life and keep you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of them as your only option.
And occasionally, they are so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of them...But that is a rarity and their behaviour shows that they have issues that are counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundations of your relationship!
Because they blow hot, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them stop.
Because they blow hot, when they blow cold you don’t acknowledge what that means, and instead focus on the fact that you know that they’re capable of blowing hot.
Because they blow hot and then cold, when you call them on it, they either quickly start blowing hot, or tell you stop being so needy. Often they refuse to acknowledge their poor behaviour.
If you stick around a man that blows hot and cold, eventually he gets the message that he can do what he likes because you’re still there. There’s no more ‘hot’ then…it’s just luke warm or cold as ice…
Remember that the survival of your relationship is dependent on consistencies. Don’t make the mistake of translating ‘he blows hot and cold’ into drama. Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently. Don’t be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth.
Also read my post on The Status Quo which explains how these guys use blowing hot and cold to manage your expectations and keep the relationship in their comfort zone and you fall in sync by creating drama.
My ebook The No Contact Rule is now available to buy and provides a dedicated guide to getting over someone by cutting contact and injecting some boundaries into your life so that you can move on to a happier you. For a no holds barred guide to emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them, you can also get Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl. For personal advice or analysis of your relationship/situation, check out my consultation service
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I am finally out of my yo-yo days after 2+ years. I made so many excuses for him from his inexperience with women to his being ambitious and hard-working and committed to his business. He falls in every one of those paragraphs above!
I finally realized all that was just his “cover” to stay out of a committed relationship.
“Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently.”
Too true!
I definately just dated one of those. For three months. When we first started dating he came on very strong, always telling me how much he liked me and as soon as i started to reciprocate all of a sudden i was being too serious. As soon as i back off he starts complaining how i’m using him for sex and that he wants something more serious. So i get drawn back in…and you can guess the rest!
Talk about hot and cold and not knowing what he wanted.
Love reading your blog!
The problem with most men is that they don’t know what they really want from a relationship. They don’t even know themselves! They only know their interests and their job, so they swing from wanting to commit to “Ah, I’m in prison…”
One way of finding a partner that actually stuck to his word and committed, was to get to know myself and therefore I knew what I wanted and communicated it from the start.
I then helped him to work out what he wants and he found out that he wants a committed relationship!!
Great blog!
If onlt I had read this before I got married… ten long years ago… argh!
Great Alanis Morissette quote.
Great article… I am dating with 58 years old guy, who are not emotionally available (I am 42). I am very attracted his power, money and knowledge, yet tired to be his yo-yo girl. Age doesn’t determine anything in terms of the relationship…
I’m having this experience right now and at the risk of trying to nice it up for myself, I think this guy fell in love and the crap was scared out of him. BUT even if he’s in love and fearful, the fact that he’s blowing hot/cold doesn’t make me feel loved – just blue. I am still emotionally invested in him and honestly wish it could work out but I really don’t think it will and I have to go through the process of detaching myself from hi. For me, what I believe will work is a discussion with him about his behaviour for the sake of much needed closure.
OMG, Jenny. You took the words out of my mouth. I am experiencing the exact same issues. I am SO in love with him. And I swear, in return, all my confidence is gone. He’s being so cold and I haven’t done anything wrong. I hate being the victim, but I so am!
yeah, i’m in a relationship right now and a lot of this sounds just like him. we’ve been together for almost 2 years and our relationship is always fluctuating. It goes up and down all the time. why can’t it ever be straight!!!!!!!
I have been dating a guy for nearly 3 months and things seemed like they were going great. He was introducing me to his friends; kept inviting me out to do things and then all of a sudden, BAM! He’s not calling, or returning calls. I am very hurt because I thought we were on the same page, but obviously I was wrong. I’ve been through this in the past and I will NOT let this guy suck me back in (if he ever decides to stop being a coward and come out of hiding). I want a guy who wants to be with me! I deserve no less. Chin up ladies…. supposedly the nice guy is out there…. ugh
I had a great relationship with my girlfriend but within weeks she was attempting full commitment – including wanting me to move in with her.She also did some very bad things,including attempting to get pregnant deceptively.She constantly sought verbal clarification of my love for her, to the point of obsession.She wanted me to ask her to marry her,just pretend to…this had the effect of pushing me away – it was all too much.All this coupled with the fact that she had split from her husband 7 years before and was yet to formalise it.I made the mistake of not completely breaking off with her for these reasons – I continued to be friends with her and this gave her hope that things would change.I also hoped that she would change too.I am not sure this makes me a commitment phobe – I think I was simply pushed too hard,too soon and had trust issues due to her actions.
THE STORY OF MY DATING HISTORY lol — I was so grateful to have came across this site and put words to the patterns that were going on. It’s funny when I picture “blowing hot and blowing cold” I see the big bad wolf in sheeps clothing… but we knew it all along!! It was always the case when I called on their “coldness” they tell me I was being too needy or play dumb and because I doubted my own feelings and perceptions thought I was going crazy and then thought “it must be me”… ahhh, thank goodness I am enlightened. Of course I know now from this site and self exploration that I was emotionally unavailable therefore leading myself into the direction that was inevitiable, but there is something about these mens behaviors that hook us in like fish that thought it was real grub, but just fake bait!
It’s all on the first few weeks, texts and seeing eachother but the next few weeks no word from him and its funny because it kinda can be perceived as needy/clingy behaviour and i was the person ‘hard to get’ who follows whims (still) and cringed at my friends clingy relationships. I use to say “living in each others pocket” etc but then again THAT is clingy, feeling insecure without eachother all the time but its not clingy to wonder why someone’s hot one moment, and cold the next. I get the chase thing and if they won you too easily they get bored..it’s just when I haven’t been interested in someone who was chasing me, they pursued quite hard…and then when there was someone interested in me that i in turn liked, i out right said i liked them too, as they said about me too. Am I to take it that we’re to pretend we’re not interested so that they get to chase? Men – i mean, boys, like that, need to grow up and become men. Games…cut the foreplay, and just play!
The same for me. Been talkin to a fella for two years.. met him twice.. my feelings and emotiions for him are really strong.. love amlost.. i kissed him.. he kissed me back.. he said he likes me.. likes how i am.. likes how i look.. but its left at that. When he goes all quiet and i question him why.. he says he wants nothing to more to do with me! Im left feelin confused and lost! Feels like iv lost two years of my life!
IT’S THE SAME FOR ME BUT I THINK I’M IN LOVE WITH A MAMA’S BOY,I KNOW I HAVE TO MOVE ON, IT’S SO HARD WHEN HE LIVES IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD. I FEEL THAT HIS MOTHER HATES ME AND IT WORSE BECAUSE HE LIVES IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NEXT TO HIS PARENTS, HE WAS HURT VERY BADLY IN THE PAST, AT AGE 20, HIS GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS PREGNANT HAD THE BABY AND LEFT HER WITH HIM TO RAISE ANS SHE IS TOTALLY A SPOILED ROTTEN CHILD. HE MADE THE FIRST MOVE WHEN I MOVED IN 3 YEARS AGO WITH ALL THESES PROMISES OF BIG PLANS OF THE THINGS WE WERE GOING TO DO TOGETHER BUT NEVER FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH THEM, I FEEL LIKE HE IS WATCHING ME CONSTANTLY AND KEEPING TABS ON MY LIFE AND OCCASIONALLY HAS THE NERVE ENOUGH TO SAY HI BUT THAT’S IT. I WISH I COULD MOVE BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE. AS LONG AS I HAVE KNOWN HIM, HE HASEN’T HAD A GIRLFRIEND ,HE ALWAYS RUNS AWAY. I GOT THE BIG PICTURE THOUGH AND I AM MOVING ON! HIS LOSS!
This blog says it all. I’ve spent months analysing a guy who I like from work and why he acts hot and cold. It seems that when I have lost interest in him and it shows he likes to reel me back in. There’s a definite conclusion that I have come to…just like the film, he aint that interested. When a guy is genuinely interested in a girl he will show it, even if it’s just bumping in to her, being in the same place as her or making small chat. The guy at work just makes me feel down about myself, but it’s hard to let go when someone is blowing hot and cold.
This post made me cry when I read it. A year of my boyfriend acting like he’s a changed guy for a while and trying to be sweeter/pay more attention . . . but always going back to “cold”. He will just ignore me for days – not call, not answer my text or answer it very shortly and coldly. This is not even after we’ve had a fight- we don’t fight, he just treats me like dog shit every once in a while for no reason. He likes to alternate between being really sweet and affectionate, and then just acting like I don’t exist. Most times I’ve stood up for myself he will still just ignore me. Only when he’s made me cry does he try to act a little nicer for a while. but it never lasts. I can’t believe I have wasted a year crying myself to sleep and being so lonely and depressed while supposedly being in a “relationship”.
I dont like guys blow hot and cold. If they do this i’ll just move on.
Mine was kinda sorta after me for TWO YEARS then finally asked me out. He was still “roomates” (larf) with his ex so I said call me when you have your own place.
he got his own place 2 weeks later and began to pursue.
At first *I* was just in it for a lay, a movie, some good convo, etc and made that clear and that made him pursue more…presents, calling every night, etc. I broke boundaries (such as letting him be around my kids after a few weeks instead of months).
Then suddenly he withdrew the sexual aspect. I suspect now , that this was a control tactic bcuz i was obviously just in it for the good time. He had a host of seemingly fab reasons for this, all of which added up to wanting MORE than just sex with me. LOL. So he was coming on so strong i began to look at him as more, and AS SOON as I emoted to him i might be developing deeper feelings, HE BLEW COLD. I was demoted from date or even “bed buddy” to …FRIENDS, altho he wouldn’t even say that. Just keeping me in limbo i guess.
After a week of that, he totally disappeared, no calling , no call-BACKS, no facebook replies.
So when he resurfaced a week later and said it felt “like time to have you over for dinner again” I said yeah sure then I left him a phone message saying “whatever this is, it isn’t working out for me” etc. Very nice and polite. I also facebook deleted him and left him a facebook msg saying i wasn’t mad just a clean break is best.
We live on a small island, he has no friends and is socially inept so I know he won’t do better than me (for long)
Today I found out he was likely not only seeing his EX (which i was fine with, since i didnt’ want to be serious) but likely another woman as well, and likely telling us all the same sob story about how the other ones were crazy, or whatever .
I highly recommend the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” > I bought it a year ago and if not for that book, i would have let this go on longer than a few months. Much longer. The book is Waaaaay better than the movie and every woman should read it. It will help you set boundaries at the very least.