Why do men blow hot and cold?
September 20, 2007 by NML
Judging by the amount of interest in emotionally unavailable men, it is clear that most women have had some experience of being with a guy that blows hot and cold. This inconsistent behaviour means that as long as you’re with him you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistentency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. If you’re with a man that behaves like this, it is rarely a good indicator of things to come. But why do they do this?
They love the thrill of the chase. Men that turn on the hot and cold tap of attention have limited attention spans. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you.
They are too cowardly to admit that they are not ready for a relationship. Instead they just p*ss off and withdraw and then blow hot when you kick up a fuss about their poor behaviour…or they need some sex or attention.
They like toying with you. There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. Clearly screwed up, they get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you.
They can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. Be careful of becoming a Yo-Yo Girl...
They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind.
They are undecided about you but like keeping you on ice. They’re like dogs in mangers…they’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you.
And occasionally, they are so overwhelmed with love that it scares the crap out of them...But that is a rarity and their behaviour shows that they have issues that are counterproductive to having a healthy relationship. After all, running away from someone whom you profess to be crazy about is hardly normal and is not a healthy way to build the foundations of your relationship!
Because they blow hot, you end up wondering what you’ve done to make them stop.
Because they blow hot, when they blow cold you don’t acknowledge what that means, and instead focus on the fact that you know that he’s capable of blowing hot.
Because they blow hot and then cold, when you call them on it, they either quickly start blowing hot, or tell you stop being so needy. Often they refuse to acknowledge their poor behaviour.
If you stick around a man that blows hot and cold, eventually he gets the message that he can do what he likes because you’re still there. There’s no more ‘hot’ then…it’s just luke warm or cold as ice…
Remember that the survival of your relationship is dependent on consistencies. Don’t make the mistake of translating ‘he blows hot and cold’ into drama. Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently. Don’t be with a man who consistently shows that he is incapable of any positive emotional consistency or depth.
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I am finally out of my yo-yo days after 2+ years. I made so many excuses for him from his inexperience with women to his being ambitious and hard-working and committed to his business. He falls in every one of those paragraphs above!
I finally realized all that was just his “cover” to stay out of a committed relationship.
“Men who are genuinely interested in you show that they are consistently.”
Too true!
I definately just dated one of those. For three months. When we first started dating he came on very strong, always telling me how much he liked me and as soon as i started to reciprocate all of a sudden i was being too serious. As soon as i back off he starts complaining how i’m using him for sex and that he wants something more serious. So i get drawn back in…and you can guess the rest!
Talk about hot and cold and not knowing what he wanted.
Love reading your blog!
The problem with most men is that they don’t know what they really want from a relationship. They don’t even know themselves! They only know their interests and their job, so they swing from wanting to commit to “Ah, I’m in prison…”
One way of finding a partner that actually stuck to his word and committed, was to get to know myself and therefore I knew what I wanted and communicated it from the start.
I then helped him to work out what he wants and he found out that he wants a committed relationship!!
Great blog!
If onlt I had read this before I got married… ten long years ago… argh!
Great Alanis Morissette quote.
Great article… I am dating with 58 years old guy, who are not emotionally available (I am 42). I am very attracted his power, money and knowledge, yet tired to be his yo-yo girl. Age doesn’t determine anything in terms of the relationship…
I’m having this experience right now and at the risk of trying to nice it up for myself, I think this guy fell in love and the crap was scared out of him. BUT even if he’s in love and fearful, the fact that he’s blowing hot/cold doesn’t make me feel loved - just blue. I am still emotionally invested in him and honestly wish it could work out but I really don’t think it will and I have to go through the process of detaching myself from hi. For me, what I believe will work is a discussion with him about his behaviour for the sake of much needed closure.
OMG, Jenny. You took the words out of my mouth. I am experiencing the exact same issues. I am SO in love with him. And I swear, in return, all my confidence is gone. He’s being so cold and I haven’t done anything wrong. I hate being the victim, but I so am!
yeah, i’m in a relationship right now and a lot of this sounds just like him. we’ve been together for almost 2 years and our relationship is always fluctuating. It goes up and down all the time. why can’t it ever be straight!!!!!!!
I have been dating a guy for nearly 3 months and things seemed like they were going great. He was introducing me to his friends; kept inviting me out to do things and then all of a sudden, BAM! He’s not calling, or returning calls. I am very hurt because I thought we were on the same page, but obviously I was wrong. I’ve been through this in the past and I will NOT let this guy suck me back in (if he ever decides to stop being a coward and come out of hiding). I want a guy who wants to be with me! I deserve no less. Chin up ladies…. supposedly the nice guy is out there…. ugh