Nicole asks: I have been single since 2007. I haven’t had someone I would call my boyfriend since then but have had other types of relationships. I have developed an unhealthy obsession with my last boyfriend from 2007 which rears its ugly head far too often for me to be comfortable that it will pass. It has been almost 10 years at this point. Every 6-12 months I obsessively search social media for any clues of his existence along with his girlfriend, who I went to high school with and knew through 2007. I feel shame, guilt, betrayal and extreme loneliness after I go through these spells. For other reasons I have gained weight, which has messed with my self-esteem. I have drama with the father of my 2 children and have had to bear the financial weight of taking care of my family (I am the man). All of these factors make me wonder if I’ll ever find “the one” and enjoy life again. I’m no longer in my 20s and scared. Needing your guidance.
**********
Whenever we slip into a cycle of obsessing and ruminating, the clues to why lie not only in the events that preceded it but also what we’re afraid of. If we feel as if we messed up in a big way despite doing everything that we were ‘supposed’ to, we will keep circling back to what we feel was our last shot at putting everything right. We will analyse everything that we and they said and did and ruminate over all of the reasons why things didn’t go according to plan, veering between feeling cheated out of what’s ours and feeling inadequate, so ultimately blaming us for not being good enough.
Why do we go back to the scene of the crime and rub our faces in it? Punishment? Yes. Avoidance? Definitely. Trying to feel in control? Absolutely.
Ten years of going back and it’s safe to say that this obsession has spared you from having to truly put yourself out there but it’s also served as a major distraction. Just as things start to move forward or there seems to be something else stressing you, you dip back into his life in order to feel in control again. I imagine that fear of being taken advantage of, fear of having to sacrifice anything else means that while on one hand you desire companionship, a relationship even, that feeling that you cannot trust men to have your back means that it’s safer to obsess about the last one than it is to move forward with healthier boundaries and manage your ex.
When what you say that you want looks very different to the outcome, I have to question what’s in the space between? What are you believing about yourself, love and relationships behind the scenes?
Much of you was invested in the relationship that ended in 2007 and when it ended and he moved on to his current girlfriend who you also went to high school with, it tapped on old wounds and pushed on old buttons. Maybe she was your nemesis, maybe she’s emblematic of a period in your life where you felt in deep pain and very inadequate, but him now being with her burns you. She represents something that you’ve gotten stuck on, likely something that sets off feelings of jealousy and envy. You don’t believe that you’re “good enough” and gaining weight and the situation with your children’s father is exacerbating these feelings.
You are territorial about the ’07 ex hence why you keep checking up on him and feel wronged that he’s with her but you’re also envious because even though you in some respects think that she’s better than you, there are aspects that you feel are similar or where you even feel ‘better’ and it doesn’t feel fair that he’s with her. Why her and not me? It’s decimated your confidence.
You go through the cycle of rubbing your face in their lives where you attack your self-worth and compare you to her and retrace all of your steps with him and all of the painful feelings of your ending with him resurface. There’s shame about doing what you’re doing but you also keep experiencing shame because you keep on some level telling you that you have misstepped so badly that you should feel embarrassed and humiliated.
You’re punishing you by holding your relationship with him over your head lest you forget whatever mistake you feel that you’ve made.
Guilt is the superglue that binds you to the past and keeps you stuck. It’s a form of avoidance where you keep persecuting you over a wrongdoing and yet nothing changes and you’re not allowed to move forward. While you feel as if he’s betrayed you by being with her, you’re also betraying you by using social media to support the lies that you tell yourself about them and you, no doubt a fairy tale where they’ve lived happily ever after and you’ve been cast aside to writhe in pain.
Obsessing is very lonely because it’s not something that other people tend to be included in and the feelings of shame and how long it goes on for make it harder to confide in loved ones. Loneliness isn’t about worthiness or how many loved ones you have; it’s an emotional state prompted by feeling emotionally disconnected from others as well as from yourself. You have stopped sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings and have ended up adrift.
To be a single parent can sometimes put you in the position of playing both parental roles–it’s why I say happy Father’s Day to my mother every year. Despite you doing all that you do for your kids, I’d lay bets that you give you a hard time for ‘failing’. Acknowledge your efforts. You’re doing the best you can.
It is OK to admit that you need help and that you can’t do it all alone. No, it’s not going to necessarily change the father of your children but it will change the way you’re feeling. Obsessing, stuffing your feelings down with food–they’re all protective means of helping you avoid vulnerability. No one can come close.
Use therapy or some other form of professional support to identify what it is from your past that is showing up now because when you heal that old wound, you will also start healing the present wound and will be left with the energy to take care of you.
What or who does this pain remind you of? Whose love did you crave but didn’t get or wanted more of that this breakup with him is reminding you of? Which wrongs from the past are you still trying to right? What do you feel out of control of (e.g. the father of your children) that you’re overcompensating for by keeping tabs on your ex? What’s the specific trigger every 6-12 months? What are you feeling/thinking/doing/experiencing at that time that sets the pattern of looking them up on social media in motion? If you accept that this relationship with him is done and that he’s with her, what does that mean? What did getting together with him represent for you? Just because it didn’t work out with him, it doesn’t mean that all of your hopes and dreams for a relationship have gone.
And here’s the thing: You’re not alone. Lots of people feel stuck because they’re obsessing over something or someone. I’ve been there myself. You’re not weird; you’re human. It is a combination of factors that brought you to this juncture, not just this ex or him moving on with the woman you went to high school with. To acknowledge your deep pain would be to begin setting you free. It’s small steps every day and I suspect that putting some resolution on the father of your children situation would allow you to begin feeling more in command of you so that you don’t overcompensate by focusing on this other ex. For the last decade, this situation is what’s ‘worked’ for you but now you want out but know that revisiting your ex via social media and being open to meeting ‘The One’ are mutually exclusive, so uncover the underlying reasons for your focus on him with support. And forgive you.
Have you gotten stuck obsessing about someone? What did you do to begin setting you free?
Brilliant post Nat. I was where Nicole is and felt I’d never be able to stop thinking about him, checking his social media, & shaming myself by raking myself over the coals for everything I perceived I did wrong. Shame and guilt are the most horrible feelings we carry with us, and can be hard to let go of. The single thing that helped the most was no contact. He and I had that for awhile, but I had to force myself to stop looking at his facebook page and distance myself from common friends whose posts he’d comment on because the mere sight of his name would trigger me. All that’s not exempt from no contact! Accomplishing true no contact was hard, but huge in my recovery. Only then could I distance myself enough to focus my thoughts and energies on me, and build my self-awareness, boundaries, and self-esteem back. Nat’s as well as Savannah Grey’s esteemology.com blog gave me a lot of insight to look inward (I had alI the hallmarks of a co-dependent personality) and backward (childhood issues with my parents). The relationship with my ex triggered ALL that stuff. Was hell to walk through it slowly and feel it all, but you know what? That little girl in me got healed, and in a warped way I have the failed relationship with a narcissistic arsehole to thank for that. You’ll get there Nicole when you finally want to be, and become sick and tired of feeling like you do now. You’re not alone sista, we’ve all been there. Good luck and stay strong!
vicki
on 04/08/2016 at 12:40 pm
Zhi get post been there lots og times !this last one only new for 12 days on a bus trip to California me usa him eengland h we gmailed all the time until he got in the states he visited 2wks , didnt know but he alreagy had someone waiting for him in England, i said i was neber giong to see him again at the airport he said we will see we could email right there i thought just maybe he would come bback or ask me over WRONG in 3 months tells me he just met someone didnt want to lie to me ha!! He had taken this girl to the beach 2wks before he came to see me , i had figured it out than tells me he told her all albout me she said it would be ok for us to talk back and forth ha!! I met him in oct 2014 have cried ever since ,went and got help thank god , its helping i was fine until i met him i thought also reading feeing good by David D. BURNS, M.D. very good very helpfol thank god and this post
A
on 04/08/2016 at 1:23 am
It’s been just over five months since my ex left me. We were only together for about 8 months, but the love and selflessness that I experienced while I was with him was like no other. Since our break up, I’ve read books, continued working out 5 times a week, started taking antidepressants and even just ended a micro relationship with a guy I dated for nine weeks. That relationship was going nowhere. And as much as I tried not to compare him to my ex, I just knew this new guy would never be able to make me feel the way I did with my ex. Whether he really just wasn’t right for me, or I was sabotaging myself and keeping myself emotionally unavailable, it’s hard to tell. Probably a combination of both. But I’d give anything to stop thinking about my ex. I still wonder if we’ll cross paths down the road when the time is right. How delusional! Being 30 and surrounded by married friends having babies doesn’t help my loneliness and panicked anxiety. I want to WANT to move on, so that I actually can!
M
on 05/08/2016 at 2:58 pm
What went wrong with the relationship if the love and selflessness were like no other?
A
on 07/08/2016 at 4:04 am
He ended it due to poor timing. He’s in a very demanding school program. He thought the hardest part was over, so he started opening himself up to dating. Then things with school got extremely demanding again. He’s actually spending about 7 months out of town this year doing clinicals at different hospitals. He was afraid I’d end up hating him and he’d continuously disappoint me since we’d barely see each other. At least, this is the story I got when he ended things. I have no reason not to believe him. We’ve only exchanged a few texts on one occasion since the split, but I still can’t help but wonder if he’ll reach out once things settle down in a couple months again. That’s a horrible way to treat myself, and I want to stop thinking that way! It’s just so hard to stop wanting the one thing you’d do anything for.
M
on 07/08/2016 at 8:35 pm
Ah, your last sentence wrings my heart. Been there – am there. Of course I have no real knowledge of what happened, but for him to chalk up giving up on a quality relationship due to bad timing sounds like a cop out. He probably was emotionally unavailable and used a Mr. Wonderful front and faux concern for you “hating him” to exit the relationship. I’ve played that card on women before, albeit unconsciously. If that’s true for him, at least he has enough respect not to string you along. Be sure not to let him, only we can protect our hearts.
Now I found myself hung up on one who can’t love me, although she tries to patch up the holes in her actions with lies and promises. She was everything I wanted, and it felt so right before I found out what was really going on.
We get hung up on the ones who ignite our wounds so we have to deal with them, or go emotionally insane…
A
on 08/08/2016 at 10:02 pm
You’re right. He never gave me a reason to not believe him at all, though. And his reasoning does sound very valid. But at the end of the day, if he really wanted to be with me, he would have made it work. Unfortunately, I was the weakest link in his list of priorities, and that’s something I will never settle for. He’s just been very hard to get over, and I’ve subconsciously been letting him string me along even after all of these months. Months of absolutely no contact, I’m still daydreaming about him knocking on my door. You hit the nail on the head… “go emotionally insane.” The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Sometimes it’s the simplest lessons that take forever to sink in!!
Karen
on 04/08/2016 at 2:42 am
I find I sometimes do the sixth month wondering/missing her thing myself. But thanks to the American 24/7 news cycle on TV and the Internet, we are having a presidential race, and not to mention any names, but we have a male running for president who many psychiatrists and therapists have voluntarily written about. They assessed this orange colored assclown and describe him as a text book narcissist and/or sociopath. Long story short, except for the overt style of his conceit and bragging, he sidesteps questions, blames and pouts about being a victim and the way he condescends to those around him reminds me so much of the covert narcissist I endured. He makes me so angry, for weeks I have wanted to write to my ex a daily snarkmail and say TRUMP YOU to her.
I think the blabbermouth braggart Jack O’Lantern will have cured me permanently by election time.
And don’t worry, I won’t write. Even negative attention makes these twisted twits light up.
😀
Carole Chaney
on 04/08/2016 at 6:59 am
Great post. Helped me a lot. I have obsessed over the ‘one’ for years I have dated other men and am looking for a long term relationship. But he pops into my head not so often these days but he is still there. Too long and complicated to go into here. I know my triggers and demons but… The trick is accepting them. He has made it difficult to stalk him. He isn’t on any social media and no longer have his number. So I can’t spy!
I loved him too much, and obbessively and have learnt a lot but I miss what he brought to my life and that’s where the fantasy starts to kick in.
Thanks again I love what you write xxx
Rewind
on 04/08/2016 at 1:59 pm
I still obsess. Slowly working on getting out of his “orbit” as one commenter said on here the other day.
One of things you said in this article struck a chord…that even though we’ve moved on from one another, I still feel betrayed when I hear he went out of town and I didn’t know about it, or he’s with another woman. Like he owes me something. He owes me nothing because he gave me nothing of himself except time in bed. It’s a realization that has really dragged me down.
Good article.
Tracey
on 04/08/2016 at 3:42 pm
This was definitely me for the last 2 years. He was a married man that I fell for – hard – just as my own marriage broke up (he was a symptom, not a cause). He ended up being dumped by his wife and moved on quickly to someone else. I had really, truly believed that he was not the “type” to cheat (even though he told me he’d overlapped all his previous relationships) and that what we had was “special” and an exception to the rule – he truly loved me, and all the rest of it :’)
The biggest difficulty I had, was acknowledging that we WEREN’T the magical, exceptional love that would beat all the odds. We were an “ordinary” affair, in a situation remarkably similar to all the others that don’t last, and we didn’t last for exactly the same reasons. The way I finally managed to diffuse it was acknowledging that I didn’t get my “Happy Ever After” fairytale ending because *it was never there to begin with*. He was NOT the Prince Charming, diamond in the rough, who would turn out to be wonderful if I *just* held on and loved him enough. That way lies doormattery and emotional abuse. He was just a somewhat flawed man, with enough good points to keep a girl interested, and he predictably ran to an easier mark when things got tough between us.
The second biggest difficulty was in learning not to use him as a distraction. My husband and I have attempted to patch things up for 2 years now, on and off, and whenever it felt uncomfortable (and it ALWAYS did) I’d go moon and obsess and sigh over That Guy. I came to understand it as a form of emotional self-harm. Cutting yourself is one thing, but if you REALLY want to mess yourself up, and not have any evidence that people who care about you can pick up on, then, hell… put down the razor and go look at your ex’s social media page, then his girlfriend’s, and remind yourself of ALL the ways she’s better than you, and all the ways that he’s won, and you’ve lost, and you deserve it. That was dark times.
So, to fix that… I read a TON of stuff on self harm. The “release” feelings of having controllable pain (instead of the uncomfortable “out-of-control” feelings from my marriage) were something I could relate to strongly, and the same strategies worked. Making sure I got out of the house every day, practising good self care, and learning to self-soothe by talking to myself gently and with love.
I’m not *quite* there yet. I do still peep at his profile pic in times of stress, but at least I recognise what I’m doing, and I don’t ruminate on it and hurt myself with it. It’s more like a habit like touching wood or something, now. I hope to give it up completely before too long.
Janene
on 04/08/2016 at 8:54 pm
I have gotten a therapist because I thought I was crazy and that I needed help because of my obsessing over this guy I call my husband. Oh well, I needed a therapist anyways!
Brea
on 05/08/2016 at 12:52 am
I too have suffered from this. He’s not good for me, he treated me badly and he really doesn’t deserve my love and attention. But it is so hard to stop looking when it is out there!
Thankfully, this site has helped me to stay NC and I haven’t posted anything for him to see or contacted him in almost a year. Sometimes I feel like blasting off angry emails to him telling him what a bag of s— he is and how much he hurt me by treating me like garbage and then being condescending about my reaction. But I never do.
Nicole, one thing that really helped me to move forward is repeating the mantra, “the best revenge is living a good life.” I even taped a note saying this to my computer to remind me. I imagine that one day I’ll run into him again and while I doubt hell ever regret the things he’s done, I want him to see that I am strong, healthy, beautiful, have my shit together and am living a great life, should that day ever come. Focusing on that goal during the dark times has really helped. That plus connecting with good friends, even when I’m not really feeling social.
Good luck!
Julie
on 05/08/2016 at 2:08 pm
Brea, that’s my mantra, too! I always say “I’m out there living a life you only wish you could be part of….” Ha ha. It really helps to focus on yourself and remind yourself that he is the one missing out.
Selena
on 05/08/2016 at 4:14 pm
Wow reading this reminded me of how I was hung up over my ex for 5 years! In hindsight, I see the only thing stopping me from moving on quicker is the rumination. Rumination: the art of focusing on a problem, subsequently prolonging the problem. It’s one of the highest forms of self-abuse. I came to realisation that I had to forgive myself for what I did not know in hindsight. I then started becoming more solution-orientated instead of problem-focused. The worst thing to do is ask “why”, “why” is an awful question that leads you to take things personally, it keeps you stuck in analysis paralysis and it makes you take responsibility for his actions. “Why” always leads to variations of answers about your inadequacy or worthlessness.
I also understand that it’s a problem us women face regularly, comparing ourselves to their exes or their nexts, causing a deterioration of any good we feel about ourselves. It’s something that I am still grappling with on a personal level.
Anthony
on 06/08/2016 at 2:44 pm
Im also very guilty of this. The last girl I dated I dated I thought was it for sure. Id never had anything like it before, and being 35 at the time, I was sure she was it for me.
She broke it off with me because I had some things to work out, and understood it, but that hasnt stopped me from obessivly think about her everyday for the last 2.5 yrs.
Add ontop of that a complete dry spell, isolation and depression, and pretty much only work in that time since, its a hard road back to find normal and try and cultivate some hope that there is still someone else out there for me
jos
on 07/08/2016 at 7:04 pm
Like many people I can relate as well. This is the first summer I am not spending with my ex and his family in Italy. It’s extremely difficult for me. I try to maintain no contact unless he contacts me. It’s been 10months and most days I am good.
This summer is difficult, I keep thinking if he is with someone else and if she is spending the summer with them.
I hope I will be able to erase him from my mind by the end of summer. I really really hope so.
A
on 08/08/2016 at 10:06 pm
I feel like these are the worst times. Times when you still know what he’s up to. It’s like we can’t fully get them out of our heads until we no longer have any clue what they’re up to. Because then you can stop imagining where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with. Until you really have detached enough from his life to not know his whereabouts, it’s so hard to stop thinking about him. I’m stuck in the same boat right now.
MJ
on 07/08/2016 at 7:07 pm
But what do you do when you keep going back to the same ex? I have been messing with the same man for nearly that length of time (since 2009). I also seem to have the inability to “get over” him either. And when he WAS in a relationship with someone else, I was INCREDIBLY jealous and upset. Granted, he was only in that relationship because he was using her and I knew it. But I was jealous all the same. And since him, I’ve only had crushes on other unavailable men (usually closeted gays since there are plenty of them here in NYC!). But we started hooking up again a couple of years ago and I’ve been messing with him ever since. The sad part is, I don’t even feel like I WANT an actual relationship anymore and that I’m “ok” with the crumbs he gives me. 🙁
Oc
on 23/08/2016 at 8:34 pm
A willingness to be vulnerable is the key to moving on. I’ve been unwilling for the last 4 years. I don’t check her Facebook any more but I am still not okay and I know it. Feeling used and abandoned by the people you’ve cared about the most in your life is a good way to become a misanthrope. Why would I make myself vulnerable again? The big lesson I’ve learned in all of this time on my own is a woman that cannot own her s*** isn’t worth pursuing.
Oc
on 23/08/2016 at 8:43 pm
Hmm. That auto-posted before I was finished but to add to my last comment I don’t beat myself up over much anymore but I’ve been through the therapy (12 months of it) made the “closure” phone call (bad idea) and spend an evening on the side of a seacliff wondering why I was there and I healed enough to not do any of that to myself anymore. . . But I’m not so sure any of your old wounds ever completely heal. Why should I be grieving and repeating things I did when I was in high school in my 40’s? I’m aware of it, I avoid certain people, I can pinpoint the pain. . . but it doesn’t go away.
Hope
on 08/09/2016 at 4:06 pm
I’m currently feeling like this. I know it’s an obsession and the fact that I keep thinking about it drives me crazy and actually makes me feel worse about myself.
I let go of several people who were in my life for a long period of time and a best friend that was technically a sister. I look back on that period of my life as probBly the worst and most unstable 4 years I’ve had. With a lot of depression and sadness and absolutely no support by them and when I let them go I did change my life and become a lot happier and lighter.
But what I notice is that I keep going back to think about them. Every few months or so I get this anxious feeling as to what they’re doing and I have to look them up to see for myself. I don’t get any satisfaction because they seem like they are who they are but I keep looking.
I keep thinking I wasn’t good enough for them while I was in their life and now that I’m out I’m still not good enough. As if they are living this great life without. I almost feel like I didn’t walk away but like they were more than happy to let me go. I know these thoughts are extreme but I keep thinking it and I struggle to find some peace in my mind where I completely just let these people go.
Tortured soul
on 24/09/2016 at 10:12 am
3.5 years on from break up with a commitment phobe & I was just starting to actually feel content. I even went to the lengths of moving house changing job & area building new social circle..yes it screwed me up that much!! I had no contact from day one, went through worst period of my life, he bailed on me slowly , even moved out after living with but still saying he wanted to see me & so engineering it for me to end it…so I also became confused with guilt. By that point I even tried still seeing him even though he moved out & back with his parents. My darling mum who had been seriously ill when he left me died. I was made redundant & also lost my best friend. He is a man in his mid 40s had a history of long term failed relationships never married no children & still lived with his parents. So many red flags!! but for at least 2 years he made me feel like a princess, I never felt love like it & he told me I was the one & he would have loved children with me but I was in my 50s so too late. Said he never felt like that ever before even moved in with me changing job & area. As soon as he moved in however things changed & the slow bail began. Leaving me confused tortured sad & lonely. My point is I always vowed that I never would join Facebook so couldn’t be tempted to see him but still thought about him every single day. Been on a few dates but my heart wasn’t in it so still on my own. Stupidly 3 years later I joined facebook..thinking I would now be ok regrettably looked up his profile pic & BAM! He is all cuddled & loved up & married to someone else!!! OMG The pain is indescribable & all the pain of the breakup is back ten fold & worse. Now so obsessed can’t sleep or eat & feel a complete failure. He is happy & leading a fab life while I am alone & comparing myself unfavourably to her although she is also a much older woman . Feel she has won & I am alone destroyed with no hope for the future. Checking social media is the worst thing you can do. It brings all consuming pain obsession & misery & has set my good efforts back to square one. I have now blocked him so not tempted to look but obsessive thoughts of him & her & their happy ever after never leave me. I urge you don’t look themy up on Facebook it is so destructive. Any advice how to get over this please? I’m totally broken.
Tortured soul
on 24/09/2016 at 10:19 am
3.5 years on from break up with a commitment phobe & I was just starting to actually feel content. I even went to the lengths of moving house changing job & area building new social circle..yes it screwed me up that much!! I had no contact from day one, went through worst period of my life, he bailed on me slowly , even moved out after living with but still saying he wanted to see me & so engineering it for me to end it…so I also became confused with guilt.
By that point I even tried still seeing him even though he moved out & back with his parents. My darling mum who had been seriously ill when he left me died. I was made redundant & also lost my best friend. He is a man in his mid 40s had a history of long term failed relationships never married no children & still lived with his parents. So many red flags!! but for at least 2 years he made me feel like a princess, I never felt love like it & he told me I was the one & he would have loved children with me but I was in my 50s so too late. Said he never felt like that ever before even moved in with me changing job & area.
As soon as he moved in however things changed & the slow bail began. Leaving me confused tortured sad & lonely. My point is I always vowed that I never would join Facebook so couldn’t be tempted to see him but still thought about him every single day. Been on a few dates but my heart wasn’t in it so still on my own. Stupidly 3 years later I joined facebook..thinking I would now be ok regrettably looked up his profile pic & BAM! He is all cuddled & loved up & married to someone else!!! OMG The pain is indescribable & all the pain of the breakup is back ten fold & worse.
Now so obsessed can’t sleep or eat & feel a complete failure. He is happy & leading a fab life while I am alone & comparing myself unfavourably to her although she is also a much older woman . Feel she has won & I am alone destroyed with no hope for the future.
Checking social media is the worst thing you can do. It brings all consuming pain obsession & misery & has set my good efforts back to square one. I have now blocked him so not tempted to look but obsessive thoughts of him & her & their happy ever after never leave me. I urge you don’t look themy up on Facebook it is so destructive. Any advice how to get over this please? I’m totally broken.
Say-la-V
on 15/10/2016 at 10:42 pm
Dear Tortured Sole,
I’m in the same spot..social media is a mindfu#k! so glad I found this post to let some of the steam out.
I was 4 years in and its been 5 weeks since he left me in a 3 line email with no reasons only to not contact him. Nuts right?
I just found out finally from someone that he was an “overlapper ” and a “future faker ” (search for these titles in this site ) and it all became clear to me. I did some investigating in social media and in fact there was a connection. I keep looking at her FB site wondering if she’s looking at me …I feel like such a mess and every time my heart beats I feel a pain. Bottom line is all we can do is try and be happier…thou I suffer with fantasies of confronting him…I’m tired of acting like nothing effects me…
Lara
on 23/10/2016 at 9:20 pm
Tortured Soul – Facebook is better understood as the Book of Face. People put forward a carefully edited image of themselves. It’s a form of advertising, designed to play to your fears. Don’t fall for it. He’s more than likely NOT leading a fab life. On the surface (that word ‘face’ again) maybe, but not really. Odds are that it’s not happily ever after for them.
It sounds as if he’s a user. Did he use you,for a place to stay and more? EU AC types are good at this and they don’t change. More than likely he’s doing the same with the next woman. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Yes, she may have won, but she’s wasting time with the booby prize. You are free to find someone who will treat you with love, care, trust and respect.
I tell you this because my ambiguous ‘best friend’ is all ‘loved up’ with his new girlfriend (upgraded from FWB) but at the same time he tried to upgrade/downgrade me to FWB. Sometimes loved up is not all it seems.
No name
on 22/10/2016 at 6:24 pm
I’m there myself. We were together for a year and a half and I cant stop obsessing about what he’s been up to, who, etc. It sucks and at this point I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, all I know is that I can’t keep doing this because it hurts to much. We’ve tried to get back together several times but he keeps lying, he takes me for granted and he makes me feel like I’m not a priority and I hate that feeling because I know I’ve given him my best. Every day I try to look at everything from a different perspective and appreciate what I have but most of the time those feelings still drag me down. I’m afraid that it will never stop, it’s been a year since I’ve had problems with him.. I need it to stop.
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Brilliant post Nat. I was where Nicole is and felt I’d never be able to stop thinking about him, checking his social media, & shaming myself by raking myself over the coals for everything I perceived I did wrong. Shame and guilt are the most horrible feelings we carry with us, and can be hard to let go of. The single thing that helped the most was no contact. He and I had that for awhile, but I had to force myself to stop looking at his facebook page and distance myself from common friends whose posts he’d comment on because the mere sight of his name would trigger me. All that’s not exempt from no contact! Accomplishing true no contact was hard, but huge in my recovery. Only then could I distance myself enough to focus my thoughts and energies on me, and build my self-awareness, boundaries, and self-esteem back. Nat’s as well as Savannah Grey’s esteemology.com blog gave me a lot of insight to look inward (I had alI the hallmarks of a co-dependent personality) and backward (childhood issues with my parents). The relationship with my ex triggered ALL that stuff. Was hell to walk through it slowly and feel it all, but you know what? That little girl in me got healed, and in a warped way I have the failed relationship with a narcissistic arsehole to thank for that. You’ll get there Nicole when you finally want to be, and become sick and tired of feeling like you do now. You’re not alone sista, we’ve all been there. Good luck and stay strong!
Zhi get post been there lots og times !this last one only new for 12 days on a bus trip to California me usa him eengland h we gmailed all the time until he got in the states he visited 2wks , didnt know but he alreagy had someone waiting for him in England, i said i was neber giong to see him again at the airport he said we will see we could email right there i thought just maybe he would come bback or ask me over WRONG in 3 months tells me he just met someone didnt want to lie to me ha!! He had taken this girl to the beach 2wks before he came to see me , i had figured it out than tells me he told her all albout me she said it would be ok for us to talk back and forth ha!! I met him in oct 2014 have cried ever since ,went and got help thank god , its helping i was fine until i met him i thought also reading feeing good by David D. BURNS, M.D. very good very helpfol thank god and this post
It’s been just over five months since my ex left me. We were only together for about 8 months, but the love and selflessness that I experienced while I was with him was like no other. Since our break up, I’ve read books, continued working out 5 times a week, started taking antidepressants and even just ended a micro relationship with a guy I dated for nine weeks. That relationship was going nowhere. And as much as I tried not to compare him to my ex, I just knew this new guy would never be able to make me feel the way I did with my ex. Whether he really just wasn’t right for me, or I was sabotaging myself and keeping myself emotionally unavailable, it’s hard to tell. Probably a combination of both. But I’d give anything to stop thinking about my ex. I still wonder if we’ll cross paths down the road when the time is right. How delusional! Being 30 and surrounded by married friends having babies doesn’t help my loneliness and panicked anxiety. I want to WANT to move on, so that I actually can!
What went wrong with the relationship if the love and selflessness were like no other?
He ended it due to poor timing. He’s in a very demanding school program. He thought the hardest part was over, so he started opening himself up to dating. Then things with school got extremely demanding again. He’s actually spending about 7 months out of town this year doing clinicals at different hospitals. He was afraid I’d end up hating him and he’d continuously disappoint me since we’d barely see each other. At least, this is the story I got when he ended things. I have no reason not to believe him. We’ve only exchanged a few texts on one occasion since the split, but I still can’t help but wonder if he’ll reach out once things settle down in a couple months again. That’s a horrible way to treat myself, and I want to stop thinking that way! It’s just so hard to stop wanting the one thing you’d do anything for.
Ah, your last sentence wrings my heart. Been there – am there. Of course I have no real knowledge of what happened, but for him to chalk up giving up on a quality relationship due to bad timing sounds like a cop out. He probably was emotionally unavailable and used a Mr. Wonderful front and faux concern for you “hating him” to exit the relationship. I’ve played that card on women before, albeit unconsciously. If that’s true for him, at least he has enough respect not to string you along. Be sure not to let him, only we can protect our hearts.
Now I found myself hung up on one who can’t love me, although she tries to patch up the holes in her actions with lies and promises. She was everything I wanted, and it felt so right before I found out what was really going on.
We get hung up on the ones who ignite our wounds so we have to deal with them, or go emotionally insane…
You’re right. He never gave me a reason to not believe him at all, though. And his reasoning does sound very valid. But at the end of the day, if he really wanted to be with me, he would have made it work. Unfortunately, I was the weakest link in his list of priorities, and that’s something I will never settle for. He’s just been very hard to get over, and I’ve subconsciously been letting him string me along even after all of these months. Months of absolutely no contact, I’m still daydreaming about him knocking on my door. You hit the nail on the head… “go emotionally insane.” The definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Sometimes it’s the simplest lessons that take forever to sink in!!
I find I sometimes do the sixth month wondering/missing her thing myself. But thanks to the American 24/7 news cycle on TV and the Internet, we are having a presidential race, and not to mention any names, but we have a male running for president who many psychiatrists and therapists have voluntarily written about. They assessed this orange colored assclown and describe him as a text book narcissist and/or sociopath. Long story short, except for the overt style of his conceit and bragging, he sidesteps questions, blames and pouts about being a victim and the way he condescends to those around him reminds me so much of the covert narcissist I endured. He makes me so angry, for weeks I have wanted to write to my ex a daily snarkmail and say TRUMP YOU to her.
I think the blabbermouth braggart Jack O’Lantern will have cured me permanently by election time.
And don’t worry, I won’t write. Even negative attention makes these twisted twits light up.
😀
Great post. Helped me a lot. I have obsessed over the ‘one’ for years I have dated other men and am looking for a long term relationship. But he pops into my head not so often these days but he is still there. Too long and complicated to go into here. I know my triggers and demons but… The trick is accepting them. He has made it difficult to stalk him. He isn’t on any social media and no longer have his number. So I can’t spy!
I loved him too much, and obbessively and have learnt a lot but I miss what he brought to my life and that’s where the fantasy starts to kick in.
Thanks again I love what you write xxx
I still obsess. Slowly working on getting out of his “orbit” as one commenter said on here the other day.
One of things you said in this article struck a chord…that even though we’ve moved on from one another, I still feel betrayed when I hear he went out of town and I didn’t know about it, or he’s with another woman. Like he owes me something. He owes me nothing because he gave me nothing of himself except time in bed. It’s a realization that has really dragged me down.
Good article.
This was definitely me for the last 2 years. He was a married man that I fell for – hard – just as my own marriage broke up (he was a symptom, not a cause). He ended up being dumped by his wife and moved on quickly to someone else. I had really, truly believed that he was not the “type” to cheat (even though he told me he’d overlapped all his previous relationships) and that what we had was “special” and an exception to the rule – he truly loved me, and all the rest of it :’)
The biggest difficulty I had, was acknowledging that we WEREN’T the magical, exceptional love that would beat all the odds. We were an “ordinary” affair, in a situation remarkably similar to all the others that don’t last, and we didn’t last for exactly the same reasons. The way I finally managed to diffuse it was acknowledging that I didn’t get my “Happy Ever After” fairytale ending because *it was never there to begin with*. He was NOT the Prince Charming, diamond in the rough, who would turn out to be wonderful if I *just* held on and loved him enough. That way lies doormattery and emotional abuse. He was just a somewhat flawed man, with enough good points to keep a girl interested, and he predictably ran to an easier mark when things got tough between us.
The second biggest difficulty was in learning not to use him as a distraction. My husband and I have attempted to patch things up for 2 years now, on and off, and whenever it felt uncomfortable (and it ALWAYS did) I’d go moon and obsess and sigh over That Guy. I came to understand it as a form of emotional self-harm. Cutting yourself is one thing, but if you REALLY want to mess yourself up, and not have any evidence that people who care about you can pick up on, then, hell… put down the razor and go look at your ex’s social media page, then his girlfriend’s, and remind yourself of ALL the ways she’s better than you, and all the ways that he’s won, and you’ve lost, and you deserve it. That was dark times.
So, to fix that… I read a TON of stuff on self harm. The “release” feelings of having controllable pain (instead of the uncomfortable “out-of-control” feelings from my marriage) were something I could relate to strongly, and the same strategies worked. Making sure I got out of the house every day, practising good self care, and learning to self-soothe by talking to myself gently and with love.
I’m not *quite* there yet. I do still peep at his profile pic in times of stress, but at least I recognise what I’m doing, and I don’t ruminate on it and hurt myself with it. It’s more like a habit like touching wood or something, now. I hope to give it up completely before too long.
I have gotten a therapist because I thought I was crazy and that I needed help because of my obsessing over this guy I call my husband. Oh well, I needed a therapist anyways!
I too have suffered from this. He’s not good for me, he treated me badly and he really doesn’t deserve my love and attention. But it is so hard to stop looking when it is out there!
Thankfully, this site has helped me to stay NC and I haven’t posted anything for him to see or contacted him in almost a year. Sometimes I feel like blasting off angry emails to him telling him what a bag of s— he is and how much he hurt me by treating me like garbage and then being condescending about my reaction. But I never do.
Nicole, one thing that really helped me to move forward is repeating the mantra, “the best revenge is living a good life.” I even taped a note saying this to my computer to remind me. I imagine that one day I’ll run into him again and while I doubt hell ever regret the things he’s done, I want him to see that I am strong, healthy, beautiful, have my shit together and am living a great life, should that day ever come. Focusing on that goal during the dark times has really helped. That plus connecting with good friends, even when I’m not really feeling social.
Good luck!
Brea, that’s my mantra, too! I always say “I’m out there living a life you only wish you could be part of….” Ha ha. It really helps to focus on yourself and remind yourself that he is the one missing out.
Wow reading this reminded me of how I was hung up over my ex for 5 years! In hindsight, I see the only thing stopping me from moving on quicker is the rumination. Rumination: the art of focusing on a problem, subsequently prolonging the problem. It’s one of the highest forms of self-abuse. I came to realisation that I had to forgive myself for what I did not know in hindsight. I then started becoming more solution-orientated instead of problem-focused. The worst thing to do is ask “why”, “why” is an awful question that leads you to take things personally, it keeps you stuck in analysis paralysis and it makes you take responsibility for his actions. “Why” always leads to variations of answers about your inadequacy or worthlessness.
I also understand that it’s a problem us women face regularly, comparing ourselves to their exes or their nexts, causing a deterioration of any good we feel about ourselves. It’s something that I am still grappling with on a personal level.
Im also very guilty of this. The last girl I dated I dated I thought was it for sure. Id never had anything like it before, and being 35 at the time, I was sure she was it for me.
She broke it off with me because I had some things to work out, and understood it, but that hasnt stopped me from obessivly think about her everyday for the last 2.5 yrs.
Add ontop of that a complete dry spell, isolation and depression, and pretty much only work in that time since, its a hard road back to find normal and try and cultivate some hope that there is still someone else out there for me
Like many people I can relate as well. This is the first summer I am not spending with my ex and his family in Italy. It’s extremely difficult for me. I try to maintain no contact unless he contacts me. It’s been 10months and most days I am good.
This summer is difficult, I keep thinking if he is with someone else and if she is spending the summer with them.
I hope I will be able to erase him from my mind by the end of summer. I really really hope so.
I feel like these are the worst times. Times when you still know what he’s up to. It’s like we can’t fully get them out of our heads until we no longer have any clue what they’re up to. Because then you can stop imagining where he is, what he’s doing, who he’s with. Until you really have detached enough from his life to not know his whereabouts, it’s so hard to stop thinking about him. I’m stuck in the same boat right now.
But what do you do when you keep going back to the same ex? I have been messing with the same man for nearly that length of time (since 2009). I also seem to have the inability to “get over” him either. And when he WAS in a relationship with someone else, I was INCREDIBLY jealous and upset. Granted, he was only in that relationship because he was using her and I knew it. But I was jealous all the same. And since him, I’ve only had crushes on other unavailable men (usually closeted gays since there are plenty of them here in NYC!). But we started hooking up again a couple of years ago and I’ve been messing with him ever since. The sad part is, I don’t even feel like I WANT an actual relationship anymore and that I’m “ok” with the crumbs he gives me. 🙁
A willingness to be vulnerable is the key to moving on. I’ve been unwilling for the last 4 years. I don’t check her Facebook any more but I am still not okay and I know it. Feeling used and abandoned by the people you’ve cared about the most in your life is a good way to become a misanthrope. Why would I make myself vulnerable again? The big lesson I’ve learned in all of this time on my own is a woman that cannot own her s*** isn’t worth pursuing.
Hmm. That auto-posted before I was finished but to add to my last comment I don’t beat myself up over much anymore but I’ve been through the therapy (12 months of it) made the “closure” phone call (bad idea) and spend an evening on the side of a seacliff wondering why I was there and I healed enough to not do any of that to myself anymore. . . But I’m not so sure any of your old wounds ever completely heal. Why should I be grieving and repeating things I did when I was in high school in my 40’s? I’m aware of it, I avoid certain people, I can pinpoint the pain. . . but it doesn’t go away.
I’m currently feeling like this. I know it’s an obsession and the fact that I keep thinking about it drives me crazy and actually makes me feel worse about myself.
I let go of several people who were in my life for a long period of time and a best friend that was technically a sister. I look back on that period of my life as probBly the worst and most unstable 4 years I’ve had. With a lot of depression and sadness and absolutely no support by them and when I let them go I did change my life and become a lot happier and lighter.
But what I notice is that I keep going back to think about them. Every few months or so I get this anxious feeling as to what they’re doing and I have to look them up to see for myself. I don’t get any satisfaction because they seem like they are who they are but I keep looking.
I keep thinking I wasn’t good enough for them while I was in their life and now that I’m out I’m still not good enough. As if they are living this great life without. I almost feel like I didn’t walk away but like they were more than happy to let me go. I know these thoughts are extreme but I keep thinking it and I struggle to find some peace in my mind where I completely just let these people go.
3.5 years on from break up with a commitment phobe & I was just starting to actually feel content. I even went to the lengths of moving house changing job & area building new social circle..yes it screwed me up that much!! I had no contact from day one, went through worst period of my life, he bailed on me slowly , even moved out after living with but still saying he wanted to see me & so engineering it for me to end it…so I also became confused with guilt. By that point I even tried still seeing him even though he moved out & back with his parents. My darling mum who had been seriously ill when he left me died. I was made redundant & also lost my best friend. He is a man in his mid 40s had a history of long term failed relationships never married no children & still lived with his parents. So many red flags!! but for at least 2 years he made me feel like a princess, I never felt love like it & he told me I was the one & he would have loved children with me but I was in my 50s so too late. Said he never felt like that ever before even moved in with me changing job & area. As soon as he moved in however things changed & the slow bail began. Leaving me confused tortured sad & lonely. My point is I always vowed that I never would join Facebook so couldn’t be tempted to see him but still thought about him every single day. Been on a few dates but my heart wasn’t in it so still on my own. Stupidly 3 years later I joined facebook..thinking I would now be ok regrettably looked up his profile pic & BAM! He is all cuddled & loved up & married to someone else!!! OMG The pain is indescribable & all the pain of the breakup is back ten fold & worse. Now so obsessed can’t sleep or eat & feel a complete failure. He is happy & leading a fab life while I am alone & comparing myself unfavourably to her although she is also a much older woman . Feel she has won & I am alone destroyed with no hope for the future. Checking social media is the worst thing you can do. It brings all consuming pain obsession & misery & has set my good efforts back to square one. I have now blocked him so not tempted to look but obsessive thoughts of him & her & their happy ever after never leave me. I urge you don’t look themy up on Facebook it is so destructive. Any advice how to get over this please? I’m totally broken.
3.5 years on from break up with a commitment phobe & I was just starting to actually feel content. I even went to the lengths of moving house changing job & area building new social circle..yes it screwed me up that much!! I had no contact from day one, went through worst period of my life, he bailed on me slowly , even moved out after living with but still saying he wanted to see me & so engineering it for me to end it…so I also became confused with guilt.
By that point I even tried still seeing him even though he moved out & back with his parents. My darling mum who had been seriously ill when he left me died. I was made redundant & also lost my best friend. He is a man in his mid 40s had a history of long term failed relationships never married no children & still lived with his parents. So many red flags!! but for at least 2 years he made me feel like a princess, I never felt love like it & he told me I was the one & he would have loved children with me but I was in my 50s so too late. Said he never felt like that ever before even moved in with me changing job & area.
As soon as he moved in however things changed & the slow bail began. Leaving me confused tortured sad & lonely. My point is I always vowed that I never would join Facebook so couldn’t be tempted to see him but still thought about him every single day. Been on a few dates but my heart wasn’t in it so still on my own. Stupidly 3 years later I joined facebook..thinking I would now be ok regrettably looked up his profile pic & BAM! He is all cuddled & loved up & married to someone else!!! OMG The pain is indescribable & all the pain of the breakup is back ten fold & worse.
Now so obsessed can’t sleep or eat & feel a complete failure. He is happy & leading a fab life while I am alone & comparing myself unfavourably to her although she is also a much older woman . Feel she has won & I am alone destroyed with no hope for the future.
Checking social media is the worst thing you can do. It brings all consuming pain obsession & misery & has set my good efforts back to square one. I have now blocked him so not tempted to look but obsessive thoughts of him & her & their happy ever after never leave me. I urge you don’t look themy up on Facebook it is so destructive. Any advice how to get over this please? I’m totally broken.
Dear Tortured Sole,
I’m in the same spot..social media is a mindfu#k! so glad I found this post to let some of the steam out.
I was 4 years in and its been 5 weeks since he left me in a 3 line email with no reasons only to not contact him. Nuts right?
I just found out finally from someone that he was an “overlapper ” and a “future faker ” (search for these titles in this site ) and it all became clear to me. I did some investigating in social media and in fact there was a connection. I keep looking at her FB site wondering if she’s looking at me …I feel like such a mess and every time my heart beats I feel a pain. Bottom line is all we can do is try and be happier…thou I suffer with fantasies of confronting him…I’m tired of acting like nothing effects me…
Tortured Soul – Facebook is better understood as the Book of Face. People put forward a carefully edited image of themselves. It’s a form of advertising, designed to play to your fears. Don’t fall for it. He’s more than likely NOT leading a fab life. On the surface (that word ‘face’ again) maybe, but not really. Odds are that it’s not happily ever after for them.
It sounds as if he’s a user. Did he use you,for a place to stay and more? EU AC types are good at this and they don’t change. More than likely he’s doing the same with the next woman. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
Yes, she may have won, but she’s wasting time with the booby prize. You are free to find someone who will treat you with love, care, trust and respect.
I tell you this because my ambiguous ‘best friend’ is all ‘loved up’ with his new girlfriend (upgraded from FWB) but at the same time he tried to upgrade/downgrade me to FWB. Sometimes loved up is not all it seems.
I’m there myself. We were together for a year and a half and I cant stop obsessing about what he’s been up to, who, etc. It sucks and at this point I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, all I know is that I can’t keep doing this because it hurts to much. We’ve tried to get back together several times but he keeps lying, he takes me for granted and he makes me feel like I’m not a priority and I hate that feeling because I know I’ve given him my best. Every day I try to look at everything from a different perspective and appreciate what I have but most of the time those feelings still drag me down. I’m afraid that it will never stop, it’s been a year since I’ve had problems with him.. I need it to stop.