I know how you feel and I felt like a mass of contradictions which no doubt triggered my indecision when it came to leaving the guy with the girlfriend. If any of you read my personal blog, I used to refer to him as Male Best Friend (MBF).
I felt an instant attraction to him when he first walked into the bar where I was having lunch with a few of my new colleagues and later, after we became involved, I remember feeling like we had an amazing connection because of some random comment about shoes. It’s only now, in retrospect that I realise how when you want to justify what you feel for someone and also add strength to the connection that you perceive you have, you’ll make a connection out of damn well anything!
A couple of months before I’d met him, I’d left my ‘ex-fiance’ and I went from not really having processed how I felt about the demise of our relationship, to pretending that I was a single, street wise, ambitious, career girl who was doing what she felt like because she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. However, in reality, I distracted myself from the pain I felt from the emotional agony of being involved with my ex, for some jumped up, excitement with a guy who had actually only been with his girlfriend for a few months.
The attraction was mutual and I became lost in the magnitude of my attraction to him and I’m sure that there was a sense of validation that came from attaining his attention that crossed out the pain of the previous relationship.
The thing is, we were never actually friends.
We became involved two weeks after we met and I know that I called him my best friend to justify the connection, my behaviour, his behaviour, and let it feed into the pipe dream of us one day being together.
What started out as fun became one long journey in trying to get the ultimate validation of him being mine instead of someone that was normally gone by 9pm, was a regular lunch date, a late night caller, extremely secretive, and incredibly jealous and possessive. I thought these latter traits were indicative of our connection and his huge desire to be with me but the whole saga messed with my mind.
Was I scaring him off by dressing up when I went out? Was I causing him to not feel he could be with me because I was doing really well at work? How was I going to cope with his moods and paranoia when we got together? Well surely once we were together he wouldn’t be jealous and possessive, or so he told me… Could I trust him? Could I trust myself? Did I really want him? Is this how friends treat each other? Why wouldn’t he leave her? And on and on and on and on….
Eventually I tried to end things with him and I was made to feel like The Big Bad Wolf. He repeatedly reminded me about how we were best friends and how surely I couldn’t just kill off what we had together. When he did accept that I couldn’t deal with him, he just could ‘get’ why I couldn’t just switch to buddy mode.
I’d try to be this ‘friend’ that he insisted I should be and he’d ask me if I wanted to hook up after work, or make suggestive comments, or phone my flat repeatedly wanting to know why I wasn’t back, or who he’d seen me talking to.
I did my best to move on with my life and stayed ‘no contact’ and kept him at a polite distance at work.
I remember standing in the queue for a club in central London and near shaking with shock when I saw that he was in the same queue with his friends and girlfriend on a night out for his birthday. Incidentally, despite the fact that we were supposed to be ‘friends’, he didn’t invite me…
Yet, I didn’t worry about him being there with his girlfriend. No…I was worried about how he’d react when he saw me with ‘the girls’ hanging out with a guy from work and his mates. Totally innocent and yet I just knew he’d react badly.
So I did what I tend to do when I’m nervous. Laugh, panic, and do something stupid. I bent down and pretended to be fixing my shoes, shielded by one of my friends. The two of us were in fits of laughter at the utter ridiculousness of it.
And then I heard the guy from work calling out to MBF to say hello, totally unaware that there was anything between us or that I was hiding with my head bent into the smelly gutters of central London! Next thing ‘Guess who’s here?! Nat? Where are you?’ and everyone looked around and I was forced to stand up and weakly say hello to one angry face and several bemused onlookers.
He reacted badly. Barely concealing his anger, he stormed off. I initially felt filled with panic and then indignation started to set in. I refused to let him cloud my fun and assumed he’d left. But…I later bumped into him in the club dancing with ‘her’ and after he saw me, I called him over when she was out of sight and we had a huge confrontation where he had the barefaced cheek to accusing me of being with the other guy.
It finally it started to sink in:
He wasn’t my friend.
We had never been friends and it was nigh on impossible to keep up a friendship when we had no foundations for one, just like we had no real foundations for a relationship, unless you want to include distrust and deceit…
Here was this assclown having the brass balls to question what I was doing with my spare time, turning an evening with my friends into Yet Another Opportunity To Harass Me and Guilt Trip Me, and his girlfriend was across the other side of the bloody room!
When he realised I was angry, he tried to switch to flirty, as if this was ‘how we roll’ and that I’d be charmed by it and we’d finish off the drama by arranging to hook up or something. I looked at him and realised that with the rose tinted glasses and fur coat of denial removed, he really wasn’t that attractive. He looked shifty, too self-assured, and alcohol made him extra paranoid and controlling, and he was a spoilt, flip-flapping manchild who wanted to possess me, but just so that no-one else could and so that he could have me as a backup plan, if and when he should ever decide that he was ready to leave his girlfriend.
I felt calm and the fight went out of me. I was tired of resisting the reality. I didn’t want anymore showdowns! I didn’t want to be left whilst he skipped back to his girlfriend leaving me feeling like crap, and I didn’t want to listen to anymore doo doo!
Friends don’t try to eff you. Friends don’t try to eff with your head. Friends don’t try to eff you over. Period.
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You are so right. There’s a difference between being “friends” and being “friendly.” I have a core of friends through thick & thin. I don’t need any more, and particularly straight, screwed up men – funny, loyal gay men is a different story. Your friends want the best for you, even when it’s not what you want. Ex-whateveryoucallthem call it friendship, but it’s rarely about what’s best for you. Being able to say hello & how’s life without caring the outcome of the conversation or what he thinks of you is being friendly and doesn’t entail future anything. It will also make you proud of yourself, one of the best things to do to heal yourself. The best part of this website is Natalie reminding us over and over to concentrate of being our best. I have 2 adult daughters that I raised with 2 main ideas about men: that you attract what you are. If you want a higher quality man, you have to be a higher quality woman; and, we don’t waste our time on men who are not interested in us. Thank God they didn’t know I wasn’t living what I preached! After you’ve been beaten down by craziness in whatever form, it’s hard to feel your value, but if you don’t value yourself, it’s unlikely you will attract anyone that will see the true you and what a jewel you are. So many smart and wise women here – it’s a blessing.
Your description of friendship is so accurate; if someone is truly your friend, then they don’t do those things to you. What is wrong with these ACs that think they can put you in the “friend” category, after treating you so badly. As if that will make it better??? As if the relationship that existed between the two of you did not really exist-it was all in your head. Are we supposed to be flattered? I am with you-someone that is my friend will not treat me in that manner. My ex AC referred to our relationship as “friendship-with much love” and we were engaged to be married. Friends like that, I can do without.
Very, very, very true. I ASSUMED when he said he wanted to be friends, it meant MY interpretation of it — that we truly cared about each-other intellectually, and that created an emotional bond that he needed and valued.
WRONG.
He was just using me for an ego stroke, and was absolutely indifferent to having any desire to really and truly meet my emotional needs and be there for me.
It didn’t matter that we weren’t sexually involved – I was emotionally invested and fantasizing that he was too. NOPE.
Either a man is treating you well or he isn’t. PERIOD. There are no excuses, rationalizations or reasons that make settling for less feel anything but icky and self-demeaning.
Cyber sometimes allows me to forget it too is a relationship. But only one level of one, and not enough.
Without frequent phone calls, seeing each-other in person, and BOTH OF US WANTING THE SAME THING FROM EACH-OTHER TO THE SAME DEGREE, then calling yourself ‘friends’ is a shallow delusion based on hope instead of reality.
Friends make you happy, not sad. You don’t have to ‘settle for less’ with a genuine friend. Friends don’t expect you to be ‘understanding’ about their treating you poorly and saying it is okay.
I wasn’t being a FRIEND to myself to be cyber-interested in this guy, and the hurt I felt when he disappeared without a word, underscored how really bad this pseudo “friendship” was.
It took me meeting someone else who has now called every night to begin to breathe a sigh of relief and see what being treated well feels like. Consistency, availability and acceptance feel GOOD and NORMAL AND RIGHT– and stopped me from continuing to have a one sided relationship in my head with an assclown who never deserved to be called a friend.
I think you said it best once, NML, when you said it doesn’t matter how “nice” he is to everyone else if he isn’t nice to me.
And if he doesn’t want from me exactly what I want from him, then we really DON’T have anything in common that matters.
.-= Loving Annie´s last blog ..SAAM at SLS and Patina =-.
‘with the rose tinted glasses and fur coat of denial removed,’
This happened to me recently and it really does feel good.
My EUM boomerang ex tried to use the friend card on me everytime but as Natalie says:
Friends don’t try and eff you off…Friends don’t eff with your head and friends don’t eff you over.
Ask yourselves ladies…if a close girlfriend treated you the way some of these guys try to or do would you stay around her or want her in your life?
After my ex cheated and left me for another he still wanted to be “friends”. He said he still cared about me and keeping our “friendship” even though he had another girlfriend.. Unfortunately I put up with that for almost 2yrs including having sex with him. Back then I would of done anything and I did to have him in my life.
I now see that my obession and it was obession clouded my better judgement. His “friendship” is a friendship I can do without and thankfully with NC I am.
NML read your entire book in one night, it’s great, makes keeping NC so much easier. Thank You.
I didn’t want to lose my AC as a friend and I think that was the main thing that drew me back to him. Always blowing hot then cold and going around in circles. I’m afraid to say this went on for a few years, letting possibly nice guys go and focusing on an unavailable AC!
I thought the connection was electric and he was the one, nobody else could make me feel like this. Thank goodness I found this Website it has gradually brought me to my senses and I’m well into NC now. I know now reality is setting in that he was never a friend at all. I am half way through reading your fantastic new book and enjoying every minute of it. I wish I’d known this earlier but it’s good to know that I will never let this happen again and that my future relationships will be healthier.
Amen to all of it!! I’ve been away for awhile but can see why I need this website. You’re the best NML and I love what you do for women!! Hurry with part two =)
@Penny – the unfortunate part is that these AC don’t actually mean “friends”….for some, it’s just short for “friends with benefits”. Being unclear and deceptive about what “friends” mean for these ACs is the least of their concern…..they just want to be sure there isn’t a short supply of ego-strokes if they fall on their face with someone else.
@metsgirl – I think you have a point about the “friends with benefits” aspect, but I also think that from the AC perspective, remaining friends allows them to do two other things: 1) minimize any guilt they might have felt about how they handled the relationship-after all if they still want to be friends, then that absolves them from any part they played in the demise of the relationship and 2) if they still want to be friends, and you continue a “friendship” with him, how bad a guy could be be?
I just want to say how much I really do take away from what I read on your site. No matter where I am, when I get an email I stop to read it. I always feel so much more empowered and level headed. THANK YOU
I’ve been reading your book “Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl” and have identified with something/everything on every page.
After breaking up with my narcissistic fiance last year i started dating a guy that delivers to my work, this lasted 5 weeks. He could have been a nice guy, I’m not sure because something freaked me out and told me to run far away from him. Which I did.
In the meantime EUM/AC that I hadn’t had any contact with for 3 years suddenly, out of the blue rang me at work (Do they have a device that senses when you are vulnerable?) Well of course in my vulnerable state I jumped at the chance to torture myself yet again.
I have chased the pipe dream with him for the last 6 months and tried (in vain) to rid myself of his presence regularly. Everytime I would end up succumbing to his ‘whining and dining’. I feel like such a fool. I knew he was no good for me from the beginning (he was no good 3 years ago-chances are he was still no good) but still chased the illusion so I didn’t have to feel the pain of the broken engagement.
Well here I am, after devouring your book, I was ready to well and truly call it quits with this AC, which I did last week. Initially he didn’t believe me and told me he’d ring me later, to which I replied “I’ve told everyone I’m no longer seeing you”. He seemed shocked by this and asked “Who have you told?”
“Anyone who’ll listen” I said.
This seemed to do the trick, to a degree.
He contacted me yesterday to ask what I was doing but I didn’t reply, then last night on a walk with my daughter, lo and behold, there he was, sitting in the window seat of a local restaurant with a pretty blonde. I was devastated! Don’t know why, it should really come as no surprise. But it cut so deep. All those times he was unavailable to me, he was no doubt, availing himself to someone else!
The last three years have led me down a merry path of self destruction and self flagellation, but thankfully now, also awareness. I thought I had dealt with the demons of my past, but it seems not. Thanks to my latest EUM/AC for bringing me to my epiphany moment/relationship! I will now start the journey of self love and esteem building.
I also thought I had this “amazing connection” with a guy I was involved with last year.When together we would get on like a house on fire and have great times but then he’d disappear and blow cold and me,with my fur coat of denial, would try to rationalise that if I could feel so good in his company,then he must be the guy for me and I would dine off that potential and live in the future.He was no friend and thank god for this site which brought me to my senses.It is so all about boundaries.While working on myself last year I realised that I had a female “friend” who also abused my lack of boundaries and that she,too,was no friend. And now I’m working on having quality friendships in my life,based on real values like respect and good will as well as enjoying hanging out with them.And so far it’s working.My new motto is that you have to be what you want to attract so I completely agree with Terry and thanks Natalie,for the great article.
Terry,
I am with you my sister/friend I have found so many folks over the years both male and female that don’t know what a true friend relationship looks like or feels like. Yes ulterior motives, opportunist are a dime a dozen it’s scary out here in the adult world. Yes being our best to our selves first. Yes, I definitely had my share of EU people. I haven’t totally practiced what I preached, however each time someone like this shows up my anttena go up. My limits and boundaries start kicking up and in. When EUM and EUW friends start acting badly I know who they are and start to run fast. I learned a long time ago that I can’t fix or change anyone, except myself. Learning the hard way is often the best teacher if it doesn’t destory the unique beautiful women we are. I had to learn “Three Strikes you’re Out rule”, “Know when to hold’m and know when to fold’m” rule, I learned to “Take my Power Back”. If I can do it you can do it. I have survived so much tramua/ drama in my lifetime and Now it is my time. I had to get my self-esteem back. I am an older women than many on this site (61) and Peace and Love is My Goal. A Man/ Women/ or Child can’t make you Whole!!!
I hate the fact that these guys are so manipulative and tricky. I spentso much time hanging on his every word and action trying to figure out what was going on in his head! I still find myself thinking to much about it but this website has definitely prevented me from making the mistake of contacting him because I have definitely been having some weak moment.I’m sure this one come to pass!
To find someone who is not only a lover but also a true friend is not easy. In fact, how many people you call friends are actually real friends, that you could call on in times of trouble. Would these ‘friends’ be there for you when you needed them?
True,honest friendships take time to grow and develop. If a relationship forms from that friendship,then that is a solid basis of a lasting,loving relationship.
PS: Wow, what an interesting well written post, and a great blog!
.-= Ray´s last blog ..Overcoming Social Anxiety And Shyness =-.
I needed this post….. I recently broke up with an EUM who also has a gf and he threw me the friend card and ive realized he did that to absolve any guilt and also feel like he has an opening to me everytime. he doesn’t treat me right, never sees me as a friend and only contacts when he needs something. im still emotionally invested in him and im hoping i get over him very soon
.-= funms-the rebirth´s last blog ..Love Lingerie?????? =-.