One of the reasons why we feel stuck in situations is due to overempathy. This is when we put ourselves in what we think is the other person’s shoes and then project our own stuff on to it, including our agenda.
In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I share examples of overempathy and delve into how and why this happens, as well as how to recognise it and break the habit.
Subscribe on Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Android
Some nuggets from the episode:
- Empathy is about being able to put ourselves in another person’s shoes and get a sense of what they might be thinking and feeling, or what they may have gone through, even if we have no experience of it ourselves. We don’t have to agree with their position, but we do have to acknowledge that they have one, and also that they are different from us.
- In, for example, a situation where we need to end it with someone who isn’t over their ex, when we over-empathise, we think about how we wouldn’t like someone to finish it with us or how we would like someone to take a chance on us and invest themselves even if we weren’t available.
- One of the barriers to being genuinely empathetic is perceiving overempathy as ‘seeing the best in others’. Actually, when we stop feeling as if it’s our duty to manufacture ‘the best’ in others, we draw on our experience of them and use this to guide our boundaries and subsequent actions and choices.
People need our empathy and boundaries more than they need our silence.
- Empathy, like compassion, incidentally, is a full circle action and mentality. We can’t claim to be empathetic while hating on ourselves.
- Compassion means recognising that everyone has a backstory, everyone is struggling, and not everything is about us. This doesn’t mean that we dismiss our experiences, but more that we recognise people’s humanness by also recognising ours.
- Empowering others means helping others to help themselves. This is very different to being their solution or saviour.
- Genuine empathy feels good. It doesn’t detract from us.
Links mentioned
- All Is Forgiven? (ep. 136)
- The Lean Period (ep. 137)
- The Truth About Lies (ep. 140)
- When they’re not over their ex: A Lesson In Empathy
- Admit The Cover-Up and Stop Overcompensating
- The Karpman Drama Triangle in the episode about roles (ep. 128)
- Help, Support or Fuzzy Boundaries? (ep. 101)
Please subscribe and/or leave a review on iTunes (how-to guide here) – it really helps in growing the show! If you’re new to podcasts, find out more about what they are and how to subscribe with this guide.
Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!
Nat xxx
Add to favorites
Hi Nat,
Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your blog and that I wish I had known about it a few years back. I’ve been dealing with EUM, and I recognize that my issues may be rooted to being an emotionally unavailable wreck myself and stuck on people pleasing mode. It really hit hard that efforts don’t equate commitment, because at the most basic level, your significant other should be aware of your value and worth, and not the things you do for them. I try not to let these hang ups consume me and reclaim my baggage as you say, it’s just difficult going through it especially after a break up that has me running for the hills. Most days I feel like shutting down and the only solution have come up with for now is taking it one day at a time. Recognizing to break the vicious cycle of being involved with an emotionally unavailable partner. Lately, the term I have been struck with is “discernment” and I was hoping that you may be able to explore more on that as well. I find myself analyzing and overthinking and some days unable to truly trust myself and people’s intentions. My recent failed relationship has been a source of hurt because I thought there was a future in it. We had only started dating when he found that he has an opportunity career wise in another city, ten hours away from home. And so, we discussed whether to continue seeing each other and had mentioned that although he can’t make a promise of marriage now, he wanted to see where this will take us and ride it out. We agreed to be in an exclusive relationship with each other. Based on this statement, I assumed that he wants to be married some day. fast forward to four months later when I was discussing with him about an issue that happened after a romantic holiday (long story short), the subject came up and this time he finally said he would like to be married, but he’s more realistic about relationships since he doesn’t have a good role model for a healthy relationship from having an unstable environment in childhood and his own past relationships. He would simultaneously date women at the same time and not be prone to exclusivity. He also said that he doesn’t know if he had the capacity to be in a marriage, and that if he will cheat on me albeit he said it wouldn’t sit right with him. I had to break it off after hearing all of this because I am so tired of men stringing me along. I read your take on future fakers and your article about the lies we tell ourselves. Although it has given me some insight, how can i tell if someone is just scared vs someone using me? I’m so tired of being used and wasting my time on men who doesn’t truly see the value in me.
-K.
PS. Also, previous to the falling out of the relationship, he had also asked if I would move to the city where he would relocate.
-K.
Wow! This is such a good episode!!
At the start of this year (driven by two wakeup calls/ headwrecks from a FWB and a Tinder-generated LDR that I definitely fantasised the hell out of – I had it alllll planned in my head how his family would be so glad he had found me after his divorce from his horrible ex-wife!) I decided to take a dating hiatus to participate in group therapy, work through Mr Unavailable… and The Dreamer…. and to properly get to know me and my emotional baggage.
Mine’s the same old story that sadly many people, hopefully who have stumbled across your page, probably share elements of – alcoholic mum and narcissistic abusive father – but I am actually starting to feel grateful for this past. So many people go through their lives unaware how their baggage drives them, I am lucky mine has pushed me to be brave and grow – just wish it had been sooner!
Anyway, I digress, I wanted to thank you for what feels like personally tailored weekly podcasts that ring so true with me it’s almost spooky…. and all of the fantastic resources you provide.
In my journaling last week, I was wondering why men who have lost their Mum’s always seem to gravitate towards me and now I realise that I’m attracting/ maintaining something with them (I wasn’t even that into them before they told me their so sad stories!) because I over-empathise and give them leeway for shady behaviour! Spooky hey!
You’re awesome, THANKS NAT : )
I too am struggling. After years on my own bringing my son up following my divorce from the love of my life and working to five us both a good and happy life I was introduced by friends to a lovely man with the same moral and interests he couldn’t be more perfect. So we met and got it off straight away. I knew he was divorced and had a previous long term relationship which was dead and done with.
So we arranged to meet the following week but in the meantime on the first day he started to text and keep in touch. The following day he set us up a whstsaoo account which would eventually be our main point of contact.
So by the 4th date he dropped a woman’s name into the conversation I asked who it was and it was his previous ex of 11 years.. he said i was amazing saw a fuure but to take it slow. After that he mentioned her at every opportunity much to my annoyance. She all so had nothing st all to do with him. I felt I was a Sunday secret meeting lat weekends or sometimes in the week too to suit him. The crux came 6 months on when he asked me to stay over the following week and before that time he went out with his friend instead without any thought of me. I did confront him face to face to ask if he was fed up or changexvhis mine he said all was Ok. Then he started getting distant and mention I lhis ex when he could. The last week we met every day it was torture. On text it was when he was ok and to his terms. The last week I saw him a lot and one 2ass standoffish and distant excuse was he wasn’t over his ex. He text me at the weekend to say he had hurt his leg but kept going on about it and I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe him as he asked me to stay over for the first time then changed the arrangements to go out with his friend. . Ist the end I asked if he was ok he said he couldn’t give me the relationship I wanted by to carry on and see what happens. I saw red said there were 3 of us in the relationship and should we change . He just agreed. So we have. We met up again he said his feeling a haven’t changed as he isn’t over his ex but it’s very rare to meet someone with so much in common.
I ended it but didn’t mean to but I probably subconsciously. 3 weeks later I got a photo off a friend he was obviously bring introduced to another woman. I can’t help tho link he would end up the lovely man u have glimpsed a couple of times. Did I make the right choice if he wanted me so much he would have stayed. The egg is never coming back. Please advise as in struggling to get there. Thank you xx