This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions isn’t one I envisioned making, but I felt that it was important to speak on what is happening right now. It’s been a fortnight where I’ve experienced the loss of my grandad, deep anxiety about Coronavirus and its impact on everything from health and our survival, to my children’s education, to my business, to then navigating our youngest child’s deep distress. I know I’m not alone in this, and so I share insights and lessons from this time, including reminders about our self-care.
I also tackle some questions and issues that have arisen over the last week or so, thanks to Coronavirus.
- Do I have to check up on people/family?
- My ex reached out to me. What does it mean? What do I do?
- I’m thinking about contacting my ex. Also, what am I going to do about dating???
- How do I deal with other people’s anxiety about the Coronavirus?
- I feel bad about needing to run my business and selling my products/services?
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Links mentioned
- Are you over your bandwidth? (ep. 100)
- The roles we played in our family (ep. 128)
- Saying hello (ep. 81)
- The release and relief of giving up on try-ing (ep. 121)
- The importance of taking a dating hiatus/break
- Reclaimer Membership
- Check for upcoming classes
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Nat
So sorry about your grandfather. Yep, this is really a time to take stock, get priorities straight, see how resilient we really are. In hindsight, my decision to return to my farm, live without utilities, prioritize what needs doing here, was a good course of action. Had my dad still been alive, I’d be really worried as he was immunologically very vulnerable, not good at staying at home, and I have no phone reception and may not til summer. Can’t imagine dealing with an actual entire family. Dating-wise, I already was in a place where I was questioning ever “getting out there” again as few would even want an off grid, book reading, opera singing, environmentalist old chick. Luckily, I’m comfortable in my own skin and have no problem with total isolation for long periods; just head into the woods. This is a good time for those who can’t srand to be alone to do so, to re-think dating, rships, job, home, life; not all of us can bloom where we are planted at the moment. Generally, yep, I have a “scorched Earth” policy regarding exes. They’re exes for good reason. I do make one exception; my ex husband. We split due to my being forced to take a job elsewhere, not due to cheating, incompatibility etc. I talk with him every week as we owned this farm together and he’s interested in my progress here. He is going blind so will never be able to come here and I also recommend audio books for him. The latter has been a real lifesaver for him as he is isolated in a small place with no transportation options. I once again get the privilege of intelligent, thoughtful conversation on issues of substance, something I’ve been starved for and that few men especially can provide. I just cannot force myself to care about football, pop groups, an American consumer lifestyle which everyone else desires. Crave intellectual stimulation and living in deep woods, wolves literally baying near the door. Probably why another rship will never happen but at least I’m being who I am.
Noquay,
I don’t know you, but you inspire me. I have been very lonely and wondering why I just can’t seem to connect with a man romantically; gaining a bit of a foothold in academia (not yet meeting someone special, surrounded by academic couples for whom meeting somebody at school is and was, practically automatic), and bam! the campus is shut down, and I continue to be very close to, and concerned about, my much older ex-husband.
But, enough about me! I have thought of you a lot, especially when you discuss the importance of place and the types of people places attract and produce (it’s real!), and your generosity when you said that you should have given the money you spent on online dating to charity (I got one date out of seven months of online dating–would have liked to see that fellow again, but no follow-up invitation amongst follow-up texting. Then there was the guy who sought me out on two sites, but when he asked if I would be interested in getting together in person, and hearing my, “yes!” went completely silent, weird getting-to-know-you icebreaker questions that all had something about how submissive I might be in a relationship??? A lot of foreign guys claiming to be widowers, and grandpas. I am not fixated on a certain look or job profile–my age range is about 10 years younger or older than myself, and still nada. I spent about a month’s rent over three sites).
I keep talking about myself because I have a sense that you understand. Your posts and what you say about your activities and values inspire me. I hope that you have deep peace and joy where you are and you and your animals stay well, and that you can settle where you most want to be.
Miigwetch (thank you).
I too am an academic but semi retired. I think it’s harder for us educated chix to find someone compatible. I had my share of catfishers, cheating widowers, overlappers and was approached by all sorts of down and outers. My main issue is that I’m a forest person whose life and values are those of an intellectual and scholar. I’d suggest getting off on line entirely as it’s really meant for the seriously average in terms of race, lifestyle, location, education and income levels, and values. Meet folk IRL.
Thanks for sharing, Heidi. I’m glad that NoQuay’s experience resonated because I think it’s all too easy to feel alone in the weirdness of your experience until someone else verbalises it. Maybe, for now, it’s time to hit pause and see where you land with that. It’s not uncommon to feel exhausted and, yes, unrewarded by our efforts to get something. We wonder what we’re doing wrong. But sometimes, often, in fact, when we let it go and stop trying to force things to happen, we get other things and find a way to what we wanted that we wouldn’t have discovered without the pause and not trying so hard.
Thanks so much, Noquay. It’s always lovely to hear from you and to get a window into your life. I think that sometimes we have a deep sense of inner knowing about who we are and what’s good and right for us that can make us what seems like an ‘outsider’. We (and our decisions, way of life) don’t appear to make sense to others and sometimes to us. And then eventually we surrender to it. It’s at this time when the life you’ve maybe questioned at times seems perfect for where you are right now. For whatever reason, these are the lessons and experiences for your lifetime. Maybe other people in your family were not able to be themselves and to choose a life that wasn’t hyper dependent on another. So I suspect that there’s gifts and healing for you and your family in you having been on this path. Big hugs to you.
Nat
Sadly, my immediate family has been dead for a number of years; my dad was the last of them. Yep, I’d say that both blood parents and at least one stepparent were living lives according to what was expected of them at the time rather than who they actually were. I’m old enough to have had parents shoved into pretty rigid gender and occupational roles. Both sides of the family were also hiding multiracial heritage, alcoholism, and sexual abuse issues. Unaddressed trauma is likely what led my late dad to make poor life’s choices both as to lifestyle and wives. In his latter years, he regretted having married and having kids. Perhaps not the best thing to tell ones daughter but insightful just the same. Spent a lot of my early adulthood reading up on psychology, family dysfunction and survivors of abuse as I didn’t want to repeat their patterns. In his latter year of life, my dad finally “got” why I made the choices I did in life; that was good. Sometimes your Elders show you what to be and sometimes they show you what not to be. Sadly, in a way I am glad neither parent is alive today because neither of them were good at following medical precautions and would have been at very high risk for this awful virus.
One of my exes has been in and out of my life for over five years, comes into my life, many times when I’m in a relationship, we get back together for a casual relationship, he leaves and comes back and rinse and repeat like Groundhog Day. One time he was gone for over a year and came back like no time had passed. I’m in a relationship with someone else now, and I have cheated on and left various partners to get back together with this guy, he always returns to me when another girl leaves him, on and off for over five years, and all my exes are kind of like this, especially this guy. I’m in a relationship with someone else, and every time this particular ex always returns for a casual relationship and it goes on and on. It’s almost like a movie, I feel like he could do this for the next 90 years. He is like the King of Emotionally Unavailable, but I’m the same way, while in a relationship, letting exes come in and our of my life, always with people who aren’t over their ex, I remember other guys just like this. Life is always engaging, its important to know people’s patterns, if someone keeps coming back into your life for over five years and it’s always for a casual relationship and they don’t care whether or not you are with someone, it will continue to be the same kind of relationship they always seek, this isn’t going to be like a romance novel where he finally decides he wants a real commitment so before you cheat on your partner or leave your relationship for Mr. Unavailable, or when you decide to take him back, be honest with yourself about what it’s about, that it’s going to be a casual relationship with him always going in and out of your life instead of creating this fairy tale in your head and turning him into your knight in shining armor who will change his ways, accept him as he is and see the relationship for what it really is.
Hi HeartsandArrows. Our relationships help us to heal, learn and grow by trying to show us what we couldn’t see before and by also getting us to practice discernment and own who we are. The reason why you are in this dynamic with your ex is because you don’t know and own what you want. His job in your life is not to be your Prince Charming or whatever after however many go-rounds. No, he is showing you your unavailability and commitment resistance. Professor Life keeps checking in with you to see if you’re being more of who you are, whether you’re ready to break ties with the untruths and fears of the past — and the pop quiz is *always* your ex and even the type of guy you tend to go out with. I think a part of you has wanted to prove that you are ‘The Best’ but also that he hasn’t moved on. In the meantime, you’ve blocked *you* from moving on. Who and what does he remind you of? That will help you to recognise what’s really going on here.