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**To give you a heads-up, in case you’re not comfortable listening to such topics, I talk about being assaulted (obviously not in graphic detail or in fact, much detail), as well as being sexually and racially harassed in not one, but two jobs, and being stalked, harassed and assaulted at university.**
Recently I’ve heard a number of stories where the person had been mistreated in some way, often quite seriously, whether it was at work or in a personal capacity. They all stayed quiet because, well, they didn’t want to “make a scene”. Time and again, I see people making keeping-the-peace driven decisions regarding their mistreatment by others. Invariably, it leads to breaking their own hearts.
So, in this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I felt that it was time to speak out about speaking out. As a recovering people pleaser who’s silenced herself in minor and very serious circumstances out of fear of making waves, alienating, or making others, including the perpetrators, feel bad; of being seen to be “difficult” and other such things, I’m all too familiar with this struggle. We imagine that we’re going to literally or figuratively torch, for an example, an errant ex’s belongings just like Angela Bassett’s character in Waiting To Exhale (still love this film!).
I felt that it was time to talk about painful and challenging experiences that resulted in me eventually speaking up for myself regardless of what the repercussions might be. I also talk about how I gradually came to appreciate myself for doing so.
Speaking up and yes, sometimes speaking out, means representing who we are. It means standing up for ourselves, advocating for us and basically having our own back.
Speaking up for one’s self is something that many people struggle with, especially us people pleasers, recovering and otherwise. Gradually, we learn, often through painful experiences, that habitual silence slowly crushes our souls.
We’re not meant to suffer.
The right thing is not always the easy thing. We often think it’s easier to be silent or to be super nice about something. But then we privately give ourselves a hard time for not having our backs.
Shady people think our kind, loving, compassionate, sometimes over-empathetic ways will extend to giving them a free pass.
When the friend I referred to in the podcast had the new boss who had screwed her over praise her for being so “nice” about things, it lit a fire in her belly. She realised that this person was mistaking her kindness for weakness. It resulted in her getting a massive payout instead of her accepting a lesser role than what she’d been in before her maternity leave.
I’ve also learned from firsthand experience and events of recent years that shady folk don’t get away with their actions. They invariably overplay their hand because they think they’re outwitting everyone. They think they’re clever, invincible, beyond the law or disapproval, and that is never the case.
Karma doesn’t work on our beat, our set timeline, but it does come around in due course.
I want to stress that I don’t think speaking out about discrimination, harassment, assault, abuse and the like are “easy”. My experiences have been quite the opposite. I also know, however, that it’s precisely because more and more people have spoken out, started to question and overturn old norms, that we’re confronting the emotional baggage of society.
We don’t need to shame us over having kept our silence. However, we do need to acknowledge the impact of that silence or the events themselves on our well-being and self-esteem so that we can take care of ourselves.
I hope that what I share in this episode helps at least a few people feel less alone, to stop blaming themselves, to stop trying to work out what they did to “make” someone else violate their boundaries.
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Ready to reclaim yourself from the cycle of people pleasing and any patterns that reinforce feelings of low self-worth? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.
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Fight, flight….or freeze… I’m a “freezer.” Sometimes I’m so appalled by someone’s pushy behavior toward me, I have no response, because I do not want to react disproportionately and don’t know how to speak up w/o the motivation of anger. I’ll end up beating myself up for my over reaction or lack of reaction and not being able to say, ‘the right thing’ at the right time.
Effective communication is the great struggle of life on Earth as human beings. It’s about balance… staying calm, and realizing the other person’s behavior is not necessarily a personal attack on my ego. I am trying to learn how to effectively communicate a boundary with calmness, and enforce it with action rather than threatening words.
When there is a blockage in one’s throat chakra, effective communication is challenging; and when the ego is feeling threatened, we can react from our primal/ survival root chakra.
I realize and remember the moment in my childhood when I silenced my voice and turned to smoking as a means of coping w the silencing. It makes perfect sense – this specific addictive behavior directly affects my throat…an now, in my 30’s, it is directly manifesting into a physical ailment-swollen throats and swollen tonsils. This is a wake up call!
I feel that by learning how to use my voice and keeping good boundaries for myself, (taking care of my health-saying no to instant gratification,) my emotional addiction to this substance will dwindle, allowing me the will power to make better choices. Perhaps we can look at our addictive crutch behaviors and that will give us some physical insight on where we need to balance and ground ourselves spiritually.
My best friend can be very pushy, at times, when she wants me to hang out at her house. Many times, I have forsaken all others, including myself, my other bff and my mom, to find time for her when my schedule was packed full. It is difficult for me to tell her no, that I have priorities during these times that can no longer be neglected, other relationships that need connection, and that I just want some solitude at my own house.
Of course I love hanging w my bet friend, but I notice sometimes that my going over there is me really procrastinating and hiding out from my own responsibilities, since I find myself over there at least 4 times a week, hours on end- it’s a 2nd home I’m not responsible for.
Friday, I wanted to be at home after work, catch up on chores and relax. We had already physically connected earlier that day and she asked if I would come over later…(it was already 6 in the evening.) I said there might be a possibility depending on what Im able to get done. I realize I gave her a false hope instead of an indefinite answer, and left myself room to get in trouble w my indecisiveness.
It came down to her calling me twice after that to come over ’cause it was a Friday and I should be partying.’
We nearly argued about it for 15 minutes until I told her it was difficult for me to tell her no because she was so pushy. She responded with, “Well, I’m pushy…” (Which is actually just one of the reasons I do love her, lol,) so I found my voice finally and said I loved her dearly but not tonight. The sky didn’t fall. Her feelings may have been slightly hurt, but she didn’t go all high school on me and threaten to abandon our friendship. It was such a relief and we basically picked up where we left off on a friendly note. 🙂
What a powerful and needed topic. This is great.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for this important post. I think you are courageous to speak out about your own experiences in order to help others, and I agree with every word you said.
It’s sad how this can play out even in families. I disconnected from almost all of my mom’s relatives 10+ years ago because of the disgraceful way they reacted to her when she spoke up about her abusive sibling. He not only sexually and psychologically abused her, but also did it to other siblings, his step children, and who knows how many others. Amazingly, he never went to jail for any of this, though his ex wife did finally get her children away from him. My mom’s brother had all the characteristics of a psychopath – absolutely no remorse, sadistic, etc., and he sexually abused and assaulted many people, beginning with his younger siblings in his own family.
The reason my mom spoke up years later (after decades of saying nothing) is because she had finally grown strong enough to do it. Also, a new generation of nieces, nephews, and grandchildren were spending time around this individual without any boundaries, and she was worried and feeling guilty that she hadn’t ever spoken out before because she had always felt that she had to “get alone” and not make waves. Now her brother had access to all of these kids, and so one day after a few incidents had taken place, my my wrote an email to her siblings that more or less explained what had happened to her, how it had affected her, etc. She also basically said, “look, these terrible things happened, and I don’t feel comfortable with my grandkids being around that person. I’m worried about my nieces and nephews being alone with him. Etc.”
The reaction from most of the family? Complete silence. My mom called me in tears the night after she had sent the email. “Nobody has said anything! Why won’t they even respond? ” she asked. I was heartbroken and enraged.
Eventually, the older siblings reacted with judgment and condemnation directed at my mom. They accused her of being “dramatic,” they attacked her by telling her she needed to “get over it” and be “forgiving.” I was so disgusted – not only because I had made it into my 20s without ever being told how sick this uncle was, but most of all because of the absolute lack of support my family showed my mom. And the more religious the family members were, the more they seemed to want to embrace the abuser. I didn’t get it. I’m not religious, but I wonder – if they were truly embracing “Christian values,” why wouldn’t they be supportive of a beloved sister who had been wounded so deeply by the abuse and had tried to go on living with it ever since. You’d think someone would at least want to say, “Oh no, I’m so sorry that happened to you!”
When the dust settled, no one denied that the abuse had happened. A couple siblings admitted how much it had impacted them and damaged their lives. His abuse of his stepdaughter and children is also on the record. But no one wanted to talk about it, and the ones who hadn’t suffered the abuse were far angrier at my mom for bringing it up than they were at the abuser himself.
Meanwhile, my mom’s brother began to call and leave threatening messages on her voicemail, telling her that he could still hurt her if he wanted to and might even harm her kids. Again ,the family was unmoved. They basically blamed my mom for his behavior, saying that she had provoked him by requesting that some family events take place without him there so that she could bring her grandchildren. Around this time they sent my mom a picture of her brother with her four-year old niece on his lap and said, “See? He isn’t harming her.” As if this proved that it was safe for him to be around children!
In any case, I’m proud of my mom for speaking out. Because she did so, I was able to distance myself from that person, and I think some of the members of our family with small children heard about the abuse for the first time because of my mom’s emails and comments. Maybe they were more careful about leaving their children around him as a result.
Still, what angers me even today is the shameful reaction of family members who were so cold and self-righteous that they weren’t even willing to respond to my mom with a simple, “I’m sorry that happened to you.” Instead, they applauded themselves for being such great, forgiving people, they chided my mom with smug platitudes about how Jesus wants everyone to forgive, and they chose to continue inviting the child molester to their homes during holidays and birthdays, all while criticizing my mom for not showing up. They never once asked him not to come to one of these events so that my mom and her grandchildren could come – they wouldn’t have thought of doing that. My mom stood firm in her belief that kids shouldn’t be around him – and that she shouldn’t have to be around him anymore either.
After seeing who my mom’s family really was, I cut off all contact with them. I couldn’t stand being a part of that. I haven’t spoken to those particular aunts and cousins since I was about 23, and I’m now in my late 30s. I’ve never regretted it for one day – good riddance! We created our own holiday traditions – me, my brother, and my mom – and we are much healthier for it. My mom still sees some of the unsupportive relatives on occasion, for lunch, etc., but they are not close. Interestingly enough, some of the people who were my mom’s harshest critics are now Trump supporters. Go figure.
It’s so important to encourage people to speak out. Speaking out could prevent these things from happening to someone else. And even if members of your own family turn their back on you, there will be other people who get it and support you. Those are the people who matter anyway. I’m inspired my mom’s courage, and I hope more and more people will stand up and speak out. And I also believe it’s perfectly OK to cut ties with a family member if that relationship is toxic.
My problem has been the reverse- reporting things properly (rape, hate crimes, and other violent criminal acts against me, etc- extreme thingsl), the perp flipping it around as my doing and not theirs, and the powers that be either use it as leverage to get rid of me to keep their own positions (can’t have it discovered that they hired a person with a history knowingly out of sympathy, to give them a chance to “heal” from their history of perpetrating such crimes), male cops that get off on hearing the report and doing nothing because it was arousing for them, or employers/business management elevating the criminal(s) and backing them up out of personal agreement with the hate. (You had it coming to you for looking like that! Bet you’re secretly a stripper or hooker! I don’t care if it’s all actually natural racial traits from being an Icelandic immigrant! Your appearance is disruptive to everyone! And Icelandic? That means you’re Nordic, and Nordic means you’re actually a spoiled supremist German Nazi! Go back to your own kind! You’re not welcome in America!)
^^ sorry, need to clarify something and can’t edit it up there^^ The accusations of being a supremict Nazi German come in when the hate crimes I’ve reported are of crimes committed against me by people who are either Latin American or African American, so therefore they must be false reports by a supremist Nazi trollup who isn’t valid. It’s a major problem in the US… if a hate crime is committed against someone perceived as “white”, it’s not real, and you had it coming.
Hate crime is against a class of persons committed with bias to harm because of their status in a class such as gender or race. There are plenty of Americans with Nordic and all kinds of heritage.If a crime is committed it’s a crime the hate part is a separate enhancer such as difference between assault and aggravated assault (weapon vs say hands) kind of thing. Most crimes against you are impersonal even though it doesn’t seem that way. Robbed , raped etc you are usually just in wrong place at wrong time with wrong person/people.
Zero doubt there are terrible cops as is case in any profession and possibly the case with job people. Report crimes regardless as a matter of public record that if person does anything again it’s there * unless they are kind of cop who forgets to file report or delete it*. Just in case get a copy.
Hope everyone surrounds themselves with better people then ones that accuse you and mock your concerns.
It would take a long time to accurately express what it means to me to hear these stories after listening to / reading your work for the past 7 years. Glad you spoke up.
It would take a long time to accurately express what it means to me to hear these stories after listening to / reading your work for the past 7 years. Glad you spoke up.
Magnolia,
I just wanted to send a message and say it’s “nice to see you again.” I’ve spent the last almost 2 years pouring through Natalie’s older posts and always found your messages to be very insightful, meaningful, and helpful. I just wanted you to know how much they helped me. Thank you and I hope you are well.
yes