Over the past couple of posts in parts one and two, I have been discussing the issue of trading on your looks and sex appeal and how doing this ends up setting the tone for the type of men you attract and interactions that you have. In part one, I opened with five of the ten key things about this issue and in part two, I used my own experience to highlight the vicious circle of this mentality, and here in part 3, I have given you the latter five of the ten key things from part one.
6) When you’re focused on your looks or using your sex appeal to ‘get’ men, you’ll often feel empty, insecure, and afraid of losing them.
Regardless of whether you’re focused on your looks because you think it will help you to ‘seal the deal’ or focused because you’re being negative about your appearance, both routes lead to varying degrees of unhappiness and insecurity. Both routes suggest that you don’t feel like you have enough attractive attributes through a combination of character, personality, and appearance to sustain attention from a man and a relationship. This type of behaviour is derived from insecurity and you’ll feel nervous about being ‘abandoned’ because you place very little value in other things about you.
7) By investing so much energy into your appearance or sex appeal, this may actually be another avoidance measure.
Rather than deal with the things that actually make a difference to why your relationships will be successful or unsuccessful, you choose to bury your head in the sand and focus on losing a few extra pounds, spending lots of money on looking good and ‘staying young’.
Our fascination with, for instance, losing weight as if boom, the moment that you get to the 10th pound, life will magically be wonderful is like being trapped on a hamster wheel. Much like when we think that if we just do that little bit more for a guy only to discover that it’s still not good enough, so we find ourselves trying harder. If you don’t face what the real issues are, when you lose the weight you wanted, your problems will still exist.
The most successful people I have seen at managing change in their lives that involve, for instance, losing weight, tackle the various issues that feed into how they have been. We cannot just pick the thing that keeps us in our comfort zone to blame for our problems – we have to look at and deal with ourselves holistically to make real, positive changes, because if we don’t, we will keep taking two step forwards and then one, two, or even three steps back because we are not really getting to the root of our problems.
I for instance had to deal with my health, relationship issues, some friendship, and parental issues and each and every thing fed into each other. Rather than feel overwhelmed by them or try to make great sweeping changes to everything all at once, you tend to find that changes that you make in one area, impact on your mentality enough to filter into the next thing.
A huge example of this is boundaries. If you have no boundaries, which is generally the case with women who habitually engage in poor relationships, when you start putting boundaries in place, you realise that there are other areas of your life where you have not been using boundaries or asserting yourself. This is why we suddenly realise that there are friendships that actually make us feel negative about ourselves or that we are regularly taken advantage of.
8) No matter what you do to your outside, if your inside doesn’t catch up with what’s on the outer, it will make absolutely no difference.
This is why, for instance, when we approach managing change in our lives holistically and look at living better, more positive lives on a number of fronts that allow us to feel good about ourselves, we find it easier to accept what we couldn’t before, or for instance, healthily lose the weight.
When you do things from a negative vantage point, you tend to get negative results.
I will probably say this till I am blue in the face, but you have to learn to like and love you otherwise you are actually sabotaging your own efforts. If you don’t do this, you will never believe the feelings of other people or believe that you deserve them. You’ll also consistently put yourselves in situations and around people that reflect the negative turmoil within.
It’s not about developing an ego of mass proportions – it’s about getting real and deciding exactly how much misery you want to put yourself through, and what type of life you want to lead.
Negative internal messaging means that you’re actually in the driving seat of your own misery and if you want it to stop, you have got to make peace with you, accept that you’re human, you make mistakes at times, you’re not perfect and neither is anyone else for that matter, and learn to accept you. If you can’t find things to like about you, how the hell do you expect others to?
Even the happiest of people don’t like every last thing about themselves, but it’s more that they recognise their shortcomings but also recognise that they have other strengths and attributes that are worth far more of their energy.
Being down on yours
9) We change as the years progress and short of halting the ageing process, we need to get to grips with the notion that we will age.
You can make the decision to spend the rest of your days obsessing about losing your weight or how pointy your boobs are, or whether ‘Roger’ would have stuck around if you’d worn tighter clothes, been sexier, not had a wrinkle on your hand, and sexed him morning, noon, and night, or you can make a conscious decision to find ways to make peace with yourself so that you can actually start living your life.
There are many people that genuinely believe that they will love themselves more and their lives will be infinitely better if they look the way that they want to look. Yet I know so many women, for instance, who have had plastic surgery, from lipo, to nose jobs, to boobs, bums, and all sorts, and yet…after the initial high, they’re not overall any happier. Yes looking at their perkier boobs or whatever they got, makes them feel more comfortable with looking at themselves in the mirror, but the scalpel doesn’t chop out the negativity within.
I don’t look the same as I did 5 years ago but you know what? I don’t feel the same way that I did 5 years ago and I’m infinitely better off for that. I am human; I like looking good, but I love feeling good and at peace with myself.
Don’t get me wrong – it is normal to have a moan about your appearance but there is still a big difference between having a bit of a moan, and being so down on yourself about it that it permeates every area of your life and actually impacts on your overall happiness.
If you find that it’s your dominant thought or conversation piece, you know that you need to deal with it, especially since as has been proven when we decide to think and talk too much about relationships and men, talking and thinking too much are things that we do to mask inaction. At some point, you’ve got to stop obsessing and either accept who you are, or do the necessary things to change.
10) Sex, sexual attraction, and frisson are nice, great even, but it takes more than that to build a relationship with strong long term potential.
Sex appeal and your wiley charms in and out of the bedroom will only take you so far, and if you deal from the sex deck of cards as your modus operandi, you can guarantee yourself insecurity and confusion.
You don’t go in focused on sex or your sex appeal and then wonder why they don’t appreciate more substantial things about you. This is no different to going in on the casual booty call route and then wondering why he’s only interested in getting your clothes off, or why things haven’t progressed to you being the girlfriend.
It isn’t easy to meet men, but it’s not that hard either – it just depends on which dating pools you’re fishing from and whether you’re sitting on your dating saddle thinking there are no good men to date or that you’re going to meet someone else who is going to cater to your self-fulfilling prophecy.
And really, that’s what the whole looks and sex appeal thing comes down to, a self-fulfilling because at the end of the day, if either or both of these things are the focal point, you will ensure that you run in and compete in the rat race that caters to this.
Your thoughts?
Add to favorites
Thanks NML for this post. It is so true what you wrote. I know for me, the insecurity I felt for so long was due to placing too much emphasis on looks and sex appeal, not realizing that inside I was so needy. Neediness alone is enough to drive away any normal guy…it’s a wonder a$$clowns only date needy women…a woman with a normal amount of self esteem, beats to her own drum and doesn’t wrap her life around a man, a$$clown or not. A woman who knows her worth, would have dumped most of the men (we fallback girls write about) in five minutes flat. These guys prey on women with low self esteem because they can get away with anything….I was one of those women and not believing in my worth and judging myself in comparison to a model was ridiculous. My fear of losing the guy and the relationship, just made me lower my standards and act in ways I’m embarassed of now. All of this internal work takes time…and it’s a matter of confidence, knowing who you are and knowing how to assert yourself in life, with friends, with men, with colleagues, with the world. Thanks for a great post yet again!
HUGS
I hate reading about the person I have been most of my life. After getting out of a 21 year abusive marriage, I asked myself often, “What is so broken inside of me that would lead me that I would tolerate and to believe that I deserved this type of treatment.” One day I woke up and realized that I couldn’t remember a time in my entire life when I felt good enough.
I learned that I began feeling this way as a child, and all the looking in the mirror reciting affirmations, or even recounting all the things that I was successful at, would not change that core belief. I have had to work at going back to the source, and forgiving both myself and others, for all the wrong doings, and relearn a new way of being, thinking and feeling, and it’s tough, it’s hard work, and it’s painful. But oh so wonderful when you work through it to get to the other side.
Best Wishes
searchingwithin’s last blog post..Sexercise An Intimate Way to Connect
searchingwithin,
It’s true what you say about looking at the source of the core negative beliefs. I too, am doing that kind of work and it’s not easy. It’s so easy to believe the bad stuff. Reteaching ourselves a new way of thinking isn’t easy. Thanks for your insight.
“….being so down on yourself about it that it permeates every area of your life.”
That was me. I was the opposite of those who paid special attention to their looks. I hated myself to the core of my being and it came out in the way I dressed, acted, and felt on the inside. It took a VERY lengthy intervention to get me started on the road to change. I’ve tackled many of the core issues.
I still have a ways to go, don’t get me wrong; I am still in intervention mode and it takes a LONG time. But I’m happy to say that I’ve come a VERY long way. I’m learning to love me for me, and that has, in turn, attracted a good Mr. ph2072 to me. And better yet, quality progress takes time. I’m fine with that as long as I’m truly happy at the end of my journey.
Peace and tranquility ladies (and gentlemen).
I have always had issues with the way I look. Often steams back to my teenage years when I was the ‘geek’ in the class, the boys were never interested in me and were instead chasing my friends, until I started copying my friend’s make-up and dress sensem began joking about in school and deceiving my parents – sneaking out to meet boys.
Ugh even if it was fun I soon realised this wasn’t me at all, it even resulted in me developing minor depression. I wasn’t even interested in boys at the age of 13/14! I WANTED to do well in school and have good grades. So by the time I turned 15/16 I resorted to my old ways and spent less time with the people who encouraged the notion of beauty = happiness. I left that school at 16 to go to University and there I met the greatest friend ever who accepts me for who I am and doesn’t care where my make-up is from or how much my clothes cost.
I admit I still have insecurities on how I look and how I am percieved in the eyes of the male, having met some ACs who mostly saw me as a body … and I tend not to believe the words that pour out of their mouths when they tell me I am beautiful becuase they always end up leaving. Of course this quote says it all:
” … you’ll feel nervous about being ‘abandoned’ because you place very little value in other things about you.”
I am getting more confident with the notion that I have more to offer in my personality and brains, rather than how I look in Ann Summer’s gear!!
I am learning to send boys on their way when I notice those awful Red-Flags so when I do eventually meet a guy that is actually worth my time, I will know.
Appearance does matter but there needs to be something more in relationships than looks and as Juno’s Dad puts it:
“The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your a**. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with. ”
xx
Hi Alison,
I’ve been reading this series of 3 articles by NML, and really letting myself go deep about realizing how I also, like you said, had friends that tried to tell me that “Beauty = Happiness.” I have never been like super nerdy, but never overly into make-up or dresses. The old term “tom-boy” probably fit. I, too, tried to change myself for my (ex) husband, and because the “church” said women were supposed to look a certain way, but I WAS MISERABLE trying to look that way with really long hair and make-up and dresses. I liked your quote from “juno,” and I haven’t seen that show, but I think I’ll rent it. There have to be men out there who don’t need a high-maintenance, make-up, clothes, heels beauty queen. (not that there’s anything wrong with that), but we all can’t be that way. I’m 45 years old, and I still like to be outside and fly kites and play hide-and-seek, and lift weights and arm wrestle, but the person inside is still all girl and just wants a nice guy to not mind that I like all those things, but still can give him a run in the kitchen (I can cook), the bedroom (I like sex as much as the next girl) and intellectually. I can still remember trying to “slim down” my bigger athletic body every time I felt like a guy was starting to be attracted to me so that I would look even more attractive, and I’m embarrassed that I’ve let myself be that way because I’ve never enjoyed maintaining a skinny, more “attractive” body. This series is helping me, even at this late date, to just keep trying to like myself as I am and know that if I like myself, I’ll attract the right kind of person.
I feel like the universe led me to this site, so I could get out of a sad, going no where, relationship and just work on getting “me” back, and liking “me” in the process.
Something I read in the “no contact” rule guide was that if you’re trying to get out of a bad relationship, you have to be willing to feel awful for awhile, but that it will get better. And when I read that, I didn’t believe it, and didn’t think I could ever get over him or feel better, but I just started trusting what she had written, and DANG IT, it is all true. I’m 3 months no contact (except for one time when he showed up somewhere last month), and after the initial 6 weeks or so, I really did start to feel better. Didn’t think I could be here and feel so good! I’m rambling.
It is good to have a place to let it out.
Hi Lisa
I also feel that the university lead me to this site. It was whilst brooding in a dark place over some freak-of-nature AC, and trying to find some answers to heal a broken heart and why men are such liars. It wasn’t until Yahoo! showed me this site and I read everything like it was written for me! I finally found a site where I was alone in how I was feeling, how I was being treated and how I can actually sort my self out emotionally and mentally.
And I agree on your comments about the no contact rule… minus one set back where he phoned me after a month of NC, I am now 2 months in and I feel so much better without him sucking the life out of me. There is still room for some improvement as I don’t think I am COMPLETELY happy with myself just yet but we need to be selfish now and not concentrate on how we look in other people’s eyes, but on how we look at ourselves. I am glad you said (ex) husband too, haha… I used to think that I would never be with another guy like him, and I was right because he was no good for me and I will meet someone better!
The quote is from Juno the film, it was released in the UK last year and it is a brilliant film and I am sure you will enjoy it if you were to watch it.
Ranting is always good Lisa 🙂
Haha OK I was at university when I wrote my last comment, but this obviously the first line should read “I also feel the Universe lead me to this site”…
We hooked up again last night after a 4 month hiatus (I did the contacting, as usual) and when it came to the sex part, he said he could not do it. He can do blow jobs, but has come to the point that he avoids intercourse with women. He said he needs the emotional connection but is worried about his sanity-losing interest in everything, feeling scared about being unable to love, etc. That he has not discussed this with anyone but me. (So how can he NOT feel an emotional connection with ME??)
After almost begging (!) I accepted this, blew him anyway (!) and we carried on our evening. I think he may be cracking up.
Guys, I know that NML has addressed everything in my situation before (I am using sex -and his opinion of me-to validate my worth. He is an assclown who is using me as the fallback girl to get a shag and a moan)
When I got home I texted him about the emotional connection piece and also told him that I had been giving to him for years and I needed to stop it. That he wasn’t being honest with me by texting in such a sexual manner, because he only wanted to take.
Why do I feel sad and not mad?
I had made a LOT of progress after Xmas and saw this whole sick situation for what it was. It only took a couple of texts and a visit to set me right back. I am also an EU woman and have been dallying with this guy for 8 years.
But why does he confide in me and say there is a lot of trust between us, yet will not give me what I want, sexually? He got his, but wouldn’t give me mine.
Any opinions? I need to get back to the place where I saw him as he is, but I just feel a bit scared for him and his mental state. I also feel very confused and unattractive-why am I good enough to get a blow job from , but not good enough to have sex with?
Sorry if I’ve been too graphic.
BG,
Have you considered some counseling?
Gaynor, I have had counselling in the past, but felt that I was just going around in circles.
I think the only thing to help me is to stay away. But I am totally mystified by his preference for oral and refusal to have intercourse. He says that when he has been with other women, he just avoids it and would rather talk to them. That he doesn’t even get hard with them sometimes (this doesn’t happen with he and I) because he knows they are going to want more than talking. That they ask if he is not attracted to them and he says its not you, it’s me.
That’s how I feel…but why am I thinking so much about HIM and not ME? It’s ridiculous how I respond to the crumbs, whereas I was in SUCH a good place for the last 3 .5 months. Could TOTALLY see the futility of it all and was not stressing or obsessing about it.Seemed natural to just let it go. ..
What would I say to a counsellor anyway? I feel like I need a lobotomy. The glaring fact of his unavailability is something I seem unable to compute. I am not sure I even want him! Sick! I think I just want to “win” and then again be validated by his desire for me.
BG,
My question is, why do you have anything to do with this nut (I recall the previous posts)? Who cares what his preference is, the guy is lazy and is using you to get off! You need to find some respect for yourself!
All you are doing is servicing him. Is this what it has come down to, begging for sex from someone who is incapable of respecting you or himself. This guy has no emotional connection to anything, what in the world are you going back for, you know what he’s about?
Do you honestly see yourself as winning if he ‘agrees’ to have sex with you? How is that about winning or validation, it’s only a physical act?
I think you may need to seek out another professional, as this behavior is so destructive.
Gaynor, you are right on all points.
The challenge is now how to filter out any incoming B.S.
BG,
How can there be any “incoming B.S.” if you’re the one that is always contacting him? You’re creating your own problems!
Honey, you need to take control of this, this is a serious situation.
I know it. i am on a self destructive path.
@blackgnat I have to agree with the other commenters and then some. You are partially right, you are on an extremely self-destructive path that you actively choose to go down. However, it’s not him; it’s you and the ‘incoming BS’ is all you. What I mean by this is that any pain you are going through, any BS, any drama, basically any hindrances to moving on are completely of your own creation. You keep getting in touch with him because you don’t want this saga to end. You’re caught up in the semantics of a BJ versus sex and wondering why he’s turning it down?! Who cares? You’re not a hooker. He hasn’t told you you’ll get $1K if he has sex with you and gets a blowjob and then reneged on the deal leaving you short of money. The man is not interested. A BJ does not a relationship or an attraction make. The fact he’s told you something or taken the BJ from you doesn’t mean anything – if you’re badgering him for sex and refusing to take no for an answer, it sounds like he is silencing you.
What you are doing is degrading and appalling and what you fail to realise is that even though he may well be an assclown, when a woman like you refuses to give up and is yanking at his zipper offering him blowjobs, sex, attention no matter whether he never speaks to you again, whether you call him once, 5 times, or 10 times and he never ever contacts you, you send a clear message that you are not interested in hearing what he has to say or recognising what he is doing because you’re going to do what you want anyway. I suspect that if this man had said stop calling, you’d have called some more. If he said, I don’t want a BJ or sex, I don’t want anything, you’d have just kept badgering for sex and a BJ and started trying to add even more things to the menu. He doesn’t have to have a reason for not wanting full sex. The point is that he doesn’t want it and you begging him for it is beyond devaluing. Men, love, and relationships are not about sex so you had better find another currency and I really do feel that you need to spend some time speaking with someone.
You don’t have to do this to yourself. You have to restart NC and recognise that yes you may have fallen off the wagon, but at least you know that nothing has changed and that you have more miles to go on this journey. Trust me when I tell you that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to make this guy suddenly want you. He is not interested in you or any woman and what he wants is for you all to get the hint. It is not a contest so stop treating it like one because you are playing a very dangerous and humiliating game that you will lose at.
BG,
Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with them you need to focus on yourself. You know there is a problem, you can make steps to improve your situation if you want to. It’s up to you!
BG,
It has been said here numerous times that when an EUM is ready to change (face the truth) he will, well the same applies to you. With these guys it’s the excuses and destructive behavior ( in your case self-destructive) you need to be honest with yourself and make changes. Don’t be a victim.
Hello Blackgnat, I think you have a good insight into yourself and I have to agree with Gaynor you are a path of self destruction, because you are contacting this guy who did not contact you in the four months you were not contacting him. ..
All he did was go on with his life and only responded to you when you contacted him and even then he only accpeted what was beneficial to him with no thought of you at all…
I don’t know that he was only confiding in you and making an emotional connection to you.. I thought that of my last eum that he told me about his life I felt privileged about this then I thought hang on how do I know he is only telling me his sob story and not others ..you don’t know what he says to the other women he sees..
Also you know you can’t win this type of competition….
I hope you go back to no contact !!!! Good Luck
Wow! Thank you guys for your comments. I’m so glad you replied also, Natalie, because everything you say is true.
I cannot stress enough how much I am baffled as to HOW THE HELL I GOT HERE. I swear that even in my latest round of NC, I felt I had turned the corner and seen the light. I accepted how dysfunctional it all was.
Could it be because of my other domestic circumstances, adding to the mix? I have two sons, the oldest of whom is a bipolar, unemployed drug addict who is in trouble with the law. I got divorced in July 2008 after 22 years of marriage. I first started up with this guy when my marriage was breaking down and he made me feel SO attractive and desirable-I think that I have kept going back to him to subconciously recreate these feelings. My home life is such a frickin mess that believe it or not, I use this guy as an escape.
Does that make any sense? I am NOT justifying my actions by saying this, just trying to make sense of it. I’ve always been really strong and proud (it’s true!) and this man triggered something in me that went very deep. I grew up with a schizophrenic brother and we had to spend a lot of time covering up and pushing away feelings and numbing ourselves to what was going on.
Maybe I’m doing that with this guy?
Anyway, I will print out the comments and live by them. It’s so hard-I feel very humiliated and ugly. Even as I’m writing this and the comments make so much sense, there’s a part of me that isn’t taking the magnitude of it all on board.
He texted me yesterday to say that he was very emotionally fragile and depressed-I feel like I should help him with this. At the same time, he doesn’t show much sensitivity when he is dealing with me…
BG,
STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!! DON’T RESPOND!!!!!!
Who cares what this nut is going through! Did he care about you or your feeling, or has he ever???? No!!! The only thing that is important is you and your recovery from this highly dysfunctional situation.
To me it sounds like you’re a co-dependent. Have you looked into CODA? Get some help.
How can I regain my self esteem? I feel SO low…
By staying away from this man and seeking professional advice.
Why are so reluctant to addressing your issues (counseling)?
Gaynor, I just am not sure how to define my problem or how to put it into words.
Having said that, I used to go to a counselor a few years ago when my marriage was breaking up and we would discuss my EU. She would tell me in no uncertain terms that he was an asshole, that he was like poison to me, that he was toxic and had no respect for me. That all made sense, but did I stop contacting him ? NO!!!
Some part of my brain will not allow me to see him as he really is or how degrading my actions are.
@blackgnat, my heart really does go out to you as you are clearly going through a lot and I think that not only are you caught in a pattern of co-dependency, but because of what you have experienced with your son and brother where you undoubtedly have felt helpless and wondered what you could do different, you are continually seeking to right the wrongs of your past. You cannot fix, heal, or help this guy in an effort to validate you and absolve the things that have happened before. I don’t think you have a problem defining what is wrong or what is happening – you just seem to be focused on feeling helpless and every time you do something to positively change your situation, at some point you panic and do something self-destructive because you don’t know how to be anyone other than who you are. You do see him as he is but you still want him, or you want the drama, and you are desperate for him to be the one you can fix and heal, possibly because you in some way feel that you have failed with your son for example, when in fact, you are taking on too much of the responsibility for where he has found himself. It is not easy to be a parent and I imagine you are devastated but you’re actually making your problems worse by digging your heels in and sticking with the pattern. You must speak to someone.
Natalie, you make some very good points-I do have a tendency to want to fix everything and it’s very counterproductive. I almost ALWAYS go to this guy when there is some chaotic event happening at home.
Right now, my son is passed out on the couch after his friend brought round a huge bottle of vodka. He is a very mean drunk and I am dreading him waking up. He already had a go at me this morning and I just left the house. My ex husband is here on a visit and is watching TV in my basement and I can’t even rely on him for any emotional support.
So yes, I do feel very overwhelmed and perversely have added my EUM to this mix. Maybe I DO crave the drama, but in my heart I LONG to be drama-free. I can’t imagine how beautiful it is to have serenity. But you are absolutely correct in that I have created drama with the EUM-that is all my doing. He DOES respond, though, so he obviously gets something out of it-as you say, Natalie, an ego stroke and a bj, with NO demands for reciprocation.
I MUST stop this madness. It’s such a long hard road to go down again, especially as I had my epiphany in december. I felt I was truly healed. I think the thing is that I thought I was safe and could deal with contacting him again. He really IS good company. When we made the arrangement Friday, I was only going there to watch videos with him and we made no mention of sex, then he started trying it on. Of course, that’s when it all went pear shaped…but that WAS all my fault. I dont want to be vulgar, but I love this guy’s dick and wanted to connect with it.
I know, I have a lot of work to do.
Sorry for rambling on. Probably not making a lot of sense-I am just trying to process as I type.
And I ABSOLUTELY use him to validate me and my worth.
Like, if he finds me attractive and still wants to be sexual after all these years, then hell, I MUST be hot ! He tells me how nobody else does what I do and he is addicted to me, I am unforgettable and incredible in bed. This is all to dig the hook further in, right?
And I just eat it up with a fork and spoon….God, I’m a moron.
And then when he witholds the sexual favors that I want, like the other night, I must be worthless and ugly and so that’s when I have to prove all the things he tells me are right!!!
Ugh,
BG, I maybe shouldn’t comment on this, but when are you taking control? Your son is passed on your couch after drinking so much, who is in control, your son or you?? He is passed out on the couch because his friend brought a bottle of vodka? So, you are blaming his friend? Your son is a mean drunk? When are you starting to clean house? When are you going to stop to blame everybody and everything around you? When are you going to start taking responsibility of YOUR life??
Once you take yourself out of the “victim mode”, life could improve for you.
Get some help from somebody, whatever it will take, please take charge of your life – and that includes your son.
I have children, but I can’t imagine that my kids one day will run my life – don’t think so – be a parent and do what is right.
‘
Astelle, I don’t think I’m blaming everybody and everything around me. How are you getting that from my post?
My son’s friend came over last night when I was at work. They apparently spent the day drinking. I DO blame his friend for bringing the vodka and I blame my son for drinking it. Why shouldn’t I? That friend has been banned from my house because he brings alcohol here, but I have no control over what happens when I am at work.
Have you had experience with mental illness? If not, you need to be less judgmental of my situation.
About an hour ago my ex and I took our son to the ER and he is now detoxing in a safe medical environment.
I can really do without your judgment right now. I am obviously trying to figure things out because I’m making lots of stupid mistakes. I’m not perfect.
I do take responsibility for my life-I’m screwing up a lot since my marriage broke down because I’m trying to adapt to being a single parent in charge of a household and a mentally ill drug addicted son. Trying to find some companionship with someone who isn’t the least bit interested in my well-being.
etc, etc.etc.
These are my mistakes and I’m trying to figure out how to correct them. How is that not taking responsibilty?
Maybe you just don’t like the way I write or the way I think or something-I seem to remember you jumping down my throat on other posts. Why are you so hostile to me?
And I don’t think it was kind of you to comment on this-I wasn’t looking for sympathy, just providing the backstory to my current situation.
blackgnat, I think coming here and telling your story and venting is a good thing but what you are you going to do about your problems? What actions are you going to take to make your life better?
Jean, I initially came on here to deal with my issues over my EUM and therefore I must restart and MAINTAIN No Contact with him. I’ve rarely had an interaction with him that didn’t make me feel shitty and empty afterwards. Im still trying to figure out why, as Natalie so rightly said, I “don’t want this saga to end”.
There’s a big part of me that is just using him, too. He lives about 7 minutes away from me, I get lonely and sexually frustrated, I don’t want a relationship and I use him because he’s there and we get along well. However, I don’t REALLY get what I want. I want him to want me and that ain’t happening.
So, my issue with him is that I am chasing nothing and humiliating myself into the bargain. Again, I cannot continue to do this to myself so if I go NC, then that problem will be solved.
I think I am massively codependent. I will get in touch with a counsellor, as Gaynor and Natalie suggested, to begin to examine this and sort it. That’s going to be a long, long road.
I have only been divorced since July so I am still trying to find my feet over that one. I feel confident that it’ll be okay. I actually have a very good relationship with my ex husband. A major problem is that he now lives about 1,500 miles away. He is not around for my sons and that means that the issues I have with my bipolar son fall squarely on my shoulders..But after he gets out from detox, I will begin to research more resources and try to get him the help he needs.
How does that sound? I get the feeling that it looks like I’m not trying to deal with the chaos. That’s not true. Of course it doesn’t help that I actually CREATED it with the EUM, but now I see that’s what I’ve been doing, that’s going to change.
Im sorry if I’ve taken this way off topic-I really didn’t mean to get into other aspects of my personal life and I feel a bit embarrassed that I am using this forum as a vehicle for my problems.
@Natalie, I think I forgot to thank you for your advice and your insight into my situation. The things you said made a lot of sense-the perspective you provided has really given me food for thought.
Thank you so much for being so compassionate. I really enjoy your style, which is why I come to this site every day. It is a Godsend for those of us who are stumbling around in the dark and making the wrong choices with interpersonal relationships!
Hi blackgnat. No problem at all and I’m sure you have thanked me, but thanks 🙂 You will be OK. You just need to make some decisions and be very committed to you. You have a lot going on, and you know what? That can be pretty damn bewildering and overwhelming as it feels like you have lots to do. Try to deal with a couple of things at a time rather than everything. You’ll find if you do this, the positives of feeling like you’re getting somewhere will help you build your confidence and start tackling other stuff. A big suggestion is to steer clear of what seems easy like slipping down the road to this guy. There’s no dick, no sex, no anything that is worth doing what you’re doing to yourself! You need more than this! Hugs x
I 2nd what Brad says 100%.
Sometimes when you are down so long in the helpless victim mode, it becomes a lifestyle. Like the generations of families who are on welfare. The participate in the activities that keep them stuck where they are.
To change your life, you have to change what you do day to day so it no longer supports the negative lifestyle you currently have.
I would highly recommend volunteering at a hospital, garden, shelter, etc.
If you can, get a good massage. That will help fill your love tanks.
Also, you might try Reiki and EFT.
Best wishes!
@Brad K- thank you for your very detailed and helpful message! I also believe in the wisdom of the body and that if you exercise and eat right, etc, you will be rewarded with very strong resources with which to face your problems and manage them more efficiently.
You’ve given me some great suggestions, and we must be on the same page, because I’ve actually begun to do some of these things in an effort to simplify my life. I’ve been decluttering a lot recently and am beginning a exercise programme.
I really appreciate the moral support You expended a lot of effort just to give me some hope that I can be in charge.
@ Jean-thanks for your post and for the good wishes-I agree with your opinion about volunteering-there are so many things that I can do to help improve my situation. I have spent a lot of energy thinking about my EUM and how I can engage him in the head games and it’s so counterproductive. I just forgot about myself and how to prioritise.
@ NML-I will take baby steps and dig deep to get myself out of the hole. And I will stay away from him….
Thanks all so much!
Hello!
Well, BEAUTY has been my issue all of my life. Because I’m a second-tier or third-tier woman. Not movie-star gorgeous. Not cheerleader either. But very attractive. Very talented. Very thoughtful and sincere. And very intelligent.
My dad was a sex addict (I’m finding this out now, and I’m 56.) Every beautiful woman who walked by caught his eye, and I saw it happening. (My mother was oblivious. She was Joan Cleaver, and her thoughts and efforts were in the kitchen and in the pages of our school books.) He was highly successful; worked hard; came home late every evening and he was the most respected man in our community.
Luckily he never wanted me in THAT way…
But I got the message that I wasn’t beautiful enough to capture his attention. He was always preoccupied, and all I really wanted was to be the apple of his eye.
Okay. We all have our stories.
So it was helpful to read this. Being a woman in her fifties, it would be easy to feel as though it’s a beauty pageant out there, and only the girls in their 30’s and 40’s are gonna win. Not so! I just put an ad on Craigslist that said, “Brisk walk and hot chocolate? Could be fun.” I got 15 responses, and because I had only one week before going out of town, I quickly made 8 dates in 4 days. One guy was 41. One was 48. Two were 39. And one was 28. I liked the 28-year-old the best! He was handsome and quick and very savvy. We bantered easily back and forth.
That was just for then, just for a week, because I was desiring a brisk walk and some hot chocolate, and it was great! What I ended up with was one friend (28), two sets of flowers, three dinners and three follow-up dates.
It wasn’t about beauty at all! It wasn’t about my age, either! It was about fun times together, and things to talk about, and loving the moment and … just being there…
Thank you.
A very welcome post dealing with a current issue of mine- long story short, I’m 35, my boyfriend is over 10 years younger than me. While he is a lot more mature tha his age, it’s still somethign tht’s on my mind, andI think sometimes on his as well.