Our imaginations and mentality have a lot to answer for. When we consider a hypothetical situation and lack confidence in our ability to deal with it and we imagine the worst, we set ourselves up to fail before we’ve even started. Where I see many people shoot themselves in the foot is when they imagine coming face to face with their ex. They say stuff like, “I hope that if I see them again that I can be strong”. Or “I hope I’ll be able to resist them”. Or “I know that if they say XYZ or do ABC, I’m going to give it another shot/wind up with my underwear swinging from the chandeliers”.
What you don’t realise when you picture yourself being weak or ‘effing up’ before you’ve even effed up is that you’ve already given up, accepted defeat, and resigned yourself to the inevitable.
The funny thing is, with all the ruminating and mixing up your overactive imagination with horniness and then potentially throwing inverted ego issues into the mix, you’re not using any of that energy to come up with a plan A, B, or C. It’s as if only the worst or whatever you envision can happen, nothing else.
Much like when you blame yourself, getting hijacked by your imagination and removing your power means you’re being a perfectionist. Instead of “It’s all my fault or not at all”, you’re “It’s going to be how I imagine or no other possibility”.
There’s a lot to be said for imagining yourself as cool, calm, and confident when you contemplate the possibility of being in a particular situation.
If, in your imagination, you see yourself bumping into your ex and being scared shitless or being in bed ten minutes later or their character assassinating you, well, of course, you’re going to have a shaky mentality! They’re already overpowering you in your imagination so it’s only a hop, skip, and jump to do it in reality.
Instead of thinking the worst of yourself and ‘hoping’ you can survive the situation, imagine yourself cool, calm, and confident. Think about what you will do and say.
People who imagine themselves as hopeless end up powerless.
Thinking about what you will do is the beginning of being conscious and having self-control.
Don’t say, “I hope I’ll be strong”. Say, “I will be strong”.
What will you do when you’re in a particular situation? It’s time to start planning ahead positively.
If you know that you already don’t want to do or be something and that it would be a bad idea, or have even been down this road before with them, you know you’ll say no. This means you need to work out what you’ll say and do. People who imagine themselves as having their own power end up using it and planning ahead.
I can tell you right now that you’re not going to call Ghostbusters! You’re going to have to call on yourself.
You and only you can handle your situations. If you’re relying on the other party to Do The Right Thing, especially when that’s not exactly their forte, you’re handing over your power. You’re leaving your progress up to fate.
I made plans on days when my ex was most likely to make a move. I was also already keeping busy, not only to keep myself out of trouble but to help redefine my life on my terms. There was no way I was going to be someone who keeps sacking off their friends to accommodate the whims of some guy. This meant that I really meant it when I said I was busy…even if I’d made an agreement with myself that I was home alone having some downtime.
I find the ‘And…move…’ trick very useful.
If you see your ex at a social occasion or bump into them, respond politely (or even a little warmly( to their hello. Say ‘I’m great” when they ask how you are, and then say “I have to go / Have a nice evening (or whatever)”. Then move away before you can be drawn into a conversation. Treat it like being professional with a colleague…which they might even be. The key is to avoid looking like a wounded animal by practising smiling in front of the mirror. This way, you look composed instead of like The Joker in Batman!
Here’s what you don’t do: launch into the Big Discussion about why you broke up, or why you’re still hurt. Don’t tell your ex what you think they should have done to change.
I’d also avoid asking them if they’re single, etc. That just says I care WAAAAY too much about you.
Don’t start flirting or trying to act like you’re friends!
It’s amazing the sheer number of people that don’t recognise that you can be ‘friendly’ without having to be in a [pseudo] friendship.
If and when your ex calls, especially if you’ve gone No Contact and they do the sneaky sneaky and call from a blocked number, quickly regain your composure once you realise it’s them. Say “I can’t talk right now” or “I’m actually on the way out so let me give you a call another time…OK take care byeee” even though another time might be in 2047.
PLAN A – Polite, friendly, firm and off the phone within 0-5 minutes. Or if you don’t like them, go straight to PLAN C.
PLAN B – If they’re being rude or trying to draw you into something, polite, extra firm, and exit within 1 minute. Remember, it’s not important to have the last word or to find out what the hell they want.
PLAN C – If they’re not taking the hint or you just don’t like them, “Please stop calling me”…and hang up.
And let’s just cut right through the bullshit: I’m all for having a chat with a friend. Still, if they’re trying to get into your pants or busted your boundaries, or you still have feelings for them, then you’re not friends. This means you can be ‘friendly’ but you don’t need to hang around/stay on the phone for a great deal of time. It’s also okay to be unfriendly.
It’s also not a bad idea to practice saying the word NO out loud.
Most people imagine saying NO and then quake at the thought of the sky falling in but don’t actually say it out loud, even to themselves. You’ll notice when you do say it that the room doesn’t start shaking like there’s an earthquake!
Believe that you can handle a situation because when you think you can’t, you won’t handle it. And when you think you can and aren’t allowing anyone to steal your wind, never mind your power, you consider other options instead of thinking the inevitable is your only option.
Don’t talk yourself out of succeeding before you’ve made a truly concerted effort to get on the path of change.
Note: this does involve getting out of your uncomfortable comfort zone.
Yeah, it would be rather handy to experience these situations we fear and have the perfect foil for our ex. Maybe we zap our ex with our forcefields of power. Perhaps we have the Most Perfect Person in the Universe draped on our arms to scare them off. Or maybe, a 3rd party ‘thing’ occurs that helps us avoid conflict without us getting uncomfortable. Often, we’re privately hoping our ex will change so that if we don’t exercise any self-control, we’ll somehow be quids up without having to get uncomfortable. Not.Gonna.Happen.
Be cool, be calm, be confident and plan ahead, especially if you’ve been in this situation before. You have a good idea of what to expect, so have a plan of action instead of looking to be the exception. Make sure you’re not self-sabotaging. If you’re going to predict a situation for yourself where you have control over what you do, forecast success.
Your thoughts?
The new edition of Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl is now available to buy both in print and in digital formats plus check out my ebooks the No Contact Rule and and more in my bookshop.
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Love this! I had to go Plan C on an ex yesterday. Nat, you must know either Dionne Warwick or her Psychic Friends, because it was from a blocked number. He was actually sort of shocked I think, because my normal MO was to go into a long-winded explanation of why I didn’t want to hear from him (like he didn’t know), why I hated him (like he didn’t know) and how hurt I was (he loved the Reset Button, so he probably ‘didn’t know’ – the Reset Button being like Pleading the 5th with yourself). It was actually pretty effortless, because I’m too indifferent to even waste my breath anymore.
p.s. “I know that if they say X/Y/Z or do A/B/C I’m going to give it another shot/wind up with my underwear swinging from the chandeliers”.
Not only did that make me choke on my coffee, that was a very accurate description of the mindset I had for…oh…I don’t know…five years. I never thought I’d be having a good laugh about it one day. Thank you Nat and congrats on the Amazon debut!!
The thing that I find helpful (and I have to interact with my EUM on a regular basis and keep it friendly for our son’s sake) is to remember that He Doesn’t Like Me That Much and that Being With Me Wouldn’t Make Him Happy.
There’s a list of evidence as long as your arm to back this up, but I wouldn’t dream of actually raising it with him because then I’d be vulnerable to having him fib, paint the past a different colour, launch into the poor-little-mes and generally trying one of his numerous sneaking-around-yoghurt tricks that I know from past experience work really really well, despite my best efforts.
No. Remembering that He Doesn’t Like Me That Much and I Wouldn’t Make Him Happy is sufficiently painful for me to avoid entering into any sort of inappropriate or overly-personal conversation AT ALL – and this means that I don’t answer the phone to him when it rings at gone midnight and I don’t enter into any discussions about the rows that he might’ve had with his girlfriend. The truth is a great protection.
Presumably when it doesn’t hurt like hell to think or talk about it then I’ll be immune to his general messing-around and we can have a civilised discussion about it at a reasonable hour. Only by then I daresay I won’t care whether we have that discussion or not.
(I don’t know if this is a good tack to take or not, what I do know is that I could probably win awards in the Appearing Friendly But Cool And Totally Impervious stakes these days…)
yoghurt, sounds like what I went through for a few years.
My ex and I also will have to continue to ‘deal’ with one another for my daughter’s lifetime – she’s only 21 months old as of now so, I have many years of interaction ahead. But I try to keep it all business.
When I became pregnant, he asked me to abort, and told me, words I will never ever ever forget… He said, “He only wanted to have children with a woman he was married to, and only wanted to marry someone he was in love with – and that was NOT me.”
Our relationship ended that day. It took me a long time to get over the hurt and pain that that caused me. But ANY time I ever found my brain thinking “what if” about another go at “us” – I would replay those words in my mind. I’d say them out loud. There was – there is – no going back after hearing those words.
Believe me – eventually you will be immune. I am immune now because I simply do not care about him or his BS anymore. He still tries to be ‘charming’ but is like an annoying mosquito. He might try to bite me, he might buzz my ear, but I always have the repellent to keep him away. And a big fly swatter to hit him down with. He means nothing to me, other than being the bio-dad to my daughter, I want nothing of him in my world.
Oh God, Barbara, poor you – that’s just awful.
I had to put up with a lot of off-hand and negligent behaviour from ‘my’ one (ha!). After all, what is a very frightened and confused pregnant woman but a minimal-effort FB and handy listening ear when you want to complain about how terrible your life is because you’ve knocked up someone that you don’t love? (and yes, that ‘someone’ was me – just what I wanted to hear, I can tell you!)
But generally he’s quite a pleasant, if weak, person who just didn’t think it through. None of that compares to the sort of outright emotional aggression and cruelty that you were subjected to. It amazes me that these men can’t accept the responsibility of an accidental pregnancy… it’s a very handy lesson in their responses to situations that don’t go 100% their way and people who won’t lie down (or have an abortion) according to their whims.
At any rate, it sounds as though you’re doing a fantastic job and you sound really sorted and stable about it all… gives me some hope for my future emotional life! Thanks for posting x
@Barbara your daughter is so precious, I love your pic. Good for you for staying strong.
@yoghurt, you too – hang in there you’re doing great.
I forgot to say Killer Post, sorry.
Killer Post Nat!
Perfect timing Natalie.. per usual! When I decided to allow my ex to visit a couple weeks ago, I had a moment of feeling conflicted and then I thought “Well this will be a great test to see how far I’ve come.” and I did exactly as you’ve suggested. I said to myself “I will be confident and cool as a cucumber!” and it was awesome how unbelievably cool I was. He was totally taken aback by how confident I was and couldn’t believe I wasn’t wallowing in despair. Now I can’t deny I’ve been a bit rickety since then.. especially since his bday was last Sunday and I didn’t know if I should send him a text (I didn’t) and I’ve realized I pushed any feelings I still had for him in the corner.. and those sneaky things didn’t want to be hidden anymore! It’s a case of “I know that relationship was no good, but I still need to mourn what *was* good about it”. Classic heart vs. brain.
So just today I was questioning what I would do when the end of the month comes and the ex will probably expect he can bring me his check and “hang out” again, even though I told him in no uncertain terms we can’t be friends. I was considering allowing it and then I thought “But do I even want to see him? And listen to him go on and on and on about whatever he’s currently obsessed about? And once again be a shoulder to cry on? No! I don’t!” and it became clear that there’s no reason to meet up again. We cleared the air, I kept my cool confident stance, and there’s no need for a repeat. So if he asks, I will tell him there’s no need to hang out. We said what was needed to be said and that’s that. If months or years from now he comes to me and shows me that he’s made some huge changes in himself and it’s no longer all about him, I’ll reassess, but for now I did my cool calm and collected when I needed to and I don’t need to replay it. I’m learning to feel my feelings and I recognize I’m not completely over him, but I also don’t want to be around him because his selfishness is BORING. Flush! 😉
Wish I had had this for my last run-in w exAC! I think I did alright when he approached me at the coffee shop where he knew I often work: just told him, looking somewhat disturbed, that he should go. He did. Still wish I’d had a composed smile on my face as I did!
No matter – I’d found BR and had learned that lesson by the time I recently was walking down the street and ran into another dude, a fling, who just disappeared after a couple shags and texting me to ask if wanted to get together for coffee. Saw him and was going to *walk on by* but he called out my name … oh hi, hi, air kiss, oh, I’m great, okay, bye now!
I’ve been using the same techniques in other situations. I visualized what I would do if I went to the talk of my ex-professor and found that he was using ideas we’d come up with together. It helped me assess what course of action was best for me. Best for us isn’t necessarily calling someone out, much as we might like to do that. For my peace of mind I put trust in karma, and trust that what goes around comes around. I behaved impeccably at that talk, and the calm allowed me to see this person for the scared little man he is, instead of being blinded by rage and turning into a raving harpy, or getting sarcastic and petty.
Dudes, my ex comes into the store i work EVERY DAY sometimes twice a day…bcuz he has no friends and gets his NS from the staff there. He’s mistaken my polite businesslike approachability for someone who gives two sh*ts and can give him some NS. (that in itself BLOWS. ME. AWAY) But it’s not professional to ask him not to come into the store, he was a regular long before he and I hooked up. So every single shift, i have to face him. sometimes twice. (one shift, three times). So i just don’t engage. “how do u like this item?” “great.” or “didn’t like it.” and back to busywork, no or little eyecontact. I asked him if he was going to buy today and he exited pretty quickly but came back in later lol. You know what really helped me Nat….was realizing this guy was over for me, even if i didnt see it yet. out of my life, doesnt care about me, dont want him, it’s over. so the remaining scary feelings of facing him pretty much started to evaporate when i realized all he is , is a customer. If the event of being with him is over, then he doesn’t exist in my life other than feelings or thoughts i entertain and that’s ME doing that, not him.
Just say No! lol
Well Nat you always have great timing. I need to take my car in for service and my x-eum/ac works there. He usually was the one who worked on my vehicle by my request (no, didnt meet him there). I’m contemplating going elsewhere but since his shop has the history of my vehicle repairs, I dont think its a good idea. I dont have any feelings for him and thats the truth, its just the thought that I even dated him makes me feel icky and I’ve so enjoyed moving forward. I’m going to practice like you suggested and then decide what to do.
I agree – killer post, and killer blog! I wish this blog had been around back when I first started dating in the (ahem) 1980s. It would have saved me A LOT of heartache and wasted time. And I would have known to tune out the bad advice given by girlfriends over the years. Oh well, it’s here now!
I once got to full-on snub a guy who had strung me along and then ditched me. He stood there, in the street, fully expecting me to come over to him to chat or whatever (it had been months since the ditching), but I just walked on by. He did NOT see that coming and I could tell it stuck in his craw. It was SWEET JUSTICE.
Yes, the strategic positioning that they use!
They stand in your path, when they know where you are headed (e.g., to the washroom, to cross the street, to get to your car, etc.).
They put themselves in a (physical) position to get you into a (social) position where you ahev to decide whether to: (1.) be nice and talk, be friendly, as if nothing ever happened, or (2.) own them up and place responsibility on them for their actions, which you do by acknowledging that bad stuff occurred b/c of them, via ignoring their asses.
When this situation happened with me, he was with his daughter (isn’t this so sweet!) (I am someone’s daughter, too, btw), the wife wasn’t around), so he probably expected ME to go up and talk to him, and be all sweet on his daughter (the “loophole” for me to “get to” be sweet), etc. NOPE. Just walked on by. After I did, when I was n’t around (I was in the washroom), so did 2 members of my family. He left the party immediately thereafter!
Fantastic post Nat!! All of those suggestions are great and it would leave many an ex thinking “WTF” lol. Even if you’re not over them, nothing wrong with faking it!!
Again hittin the nail on the head… favorite exit line… Frankly Scarlet… I don’t give a damn – exit stage left
Great post! I think I’d be okay seeing the ex-EUM/AC (just pretend I didn’t even see him), however, I’m unsure of the best way to handle a situation where I see him and his new GF (which happens to be the final straw in our 4 year relationship). And even if I did handle it with grace, I’m afraid of how insane I will make myself later…anyone who’s been through this probably knows what I mean!
Yes, right there with you! However I do see my ex and his new gf all the time. Ex lives with our mutual (very close) friends, it hurts like heck!! I see him now, and he just disgusts me for the thing he has put me thru since we broke up (yet of course, I still have feelings for him). You’d think in his head he’d realize a little sensitivity was needed being we are in the same “crew”, but no of course not. I def have my moments where I drive myself nuts with wondering why her, and not me.
Good timing on this one! I’m going to be at wedding next week with my ex who’s not really an ex. We may even be at the same table..yay for mutual friends. I plan on just acting like an adult and staying calm.
I just want to say I adore this site!I feel like I am not alone and am Getting stronger as the minutes go by.I am recently out of a relationship,the man up and Dissapeared,I am sure there is a reason but none was given to me anyway.I know this will not be about the post at hand,as I am not there yet,But I find myself finding comfort and friendship in all of you.
I am isolating so as to not run in to him,,My parents live about 2 blocks from him and I am Paralyzed with fear that I may see him,or just the General area upsets me..I know I should be stronger,and at times I am,but today I found myself sobbing in pain as to why he would do this to me..I think back and the red flags were there,He hates his mother with a passion and has no problem admitting it,He is a vindictive person beyond belief,He is the angriest person I have ever encountered,He has had only one LTR and is 44.He buys things to show he cares,but can never say the words.He has broken up with me twice,both times out of fits of rage,slamming the door in my face and telling me I better leave as he cannot control what he might say.I guess I feel foolish as I took him back both times.I was close with his family and he with mine..So this dissapearing act is so hard…I am pretty sure he felt I was needy as I somehow needed reassurance,but if I ever wanted to talk about us…He got angry and I mean ANGRY!!!And I struggle with No contact as that what he has done to me,so really I feel as if I am not making a stand….Please anyone out there……I really would like your thoughts
The only thing I can say is…stay no contact. For a while, you’ll question if you were needy, what you could have done differenlyt, what you should have done differently; but those questions fade with time. Honestly, you stop caring because you realize that your life is better without this person. But to stop caring, you have to go No Contact. Some people work with their exes and go No Contact, only communicating with their ex if they absolutely have to.
So he lives down the street from you parents: don’t ride by his house, don’t look out your parents’ mini blinds to see if his car goes by. If you do see him while living your life, you will cross that bridge when you come to it. And instead of reaching out to him, you will post here, you will read a book, you will meditate, you will jog, you will call a friend.
Brenda, I understand how you feel – I have been in NC for 2 months with 2 slip ups both of which resulted in him getting angry with me again. My experience is similar to yours – 50, jobless, still angry at ex wife (of 25 years!), angry with women in genral although well masked, great times lasted about 3 weeks and then BOOM – usually there was something I had done ‘wrong’, some aspect of me that had ‘upset’ him. I felt so rubbish about myself I believed him. It was only as I spent more time away and built up some esteem I then started saying that I didn’t like the things he did and BOOM more anger, slamming doors, storming away, finishing with me. In the end I was exhausted. It is only since NC I realise how exhausted I was.
Anger is a huge red flag. There is something he is not addressing in himself. IT IS NOT YOU. BR is a great site – there are lots of posts to help you. You are making a stand – it might feel like its him that controlling things but it is YOUR CHOICE to not join him in this drama, it os you saying no. Keep that in mind. I know its hard and sometimes we fall back into wondering why they rejected us but in truth you need to ask yourself why YOU want HIM. Keep that in mind when /if you run into him. You are making the choice. Keep it brief if needs be but remember how he was and know that you don’t want that for yourself. I saw my ex a couple of weeks ago and was upset to realise I still had feelings for him. He tried to kiss me but I stepped away, said a cheery ‘bye’ and walked off. Back to NC. Stay strong -and yes its good to have support on here x
Thanks so much Ladies for you Insight..
I suffer with Abadonement issues something Fierce!My Dad passed away in a boating accident when I was 11,My Mom got remarried to a Man that could not handle Teenagers,so I was kicked out at 16,Left to fend for myself..My Mom of course helped me,but she was so young at the time and ill equipped to deal with much..I got pregnant when I was 22 with a man 10 years older and very abusive!I have struggled my whole life in Relationships…I take on everything as if its my fault somehow…I have always been a loving person,and I will admit I can be clingy and needy but its so much out of fear,and the fact that most of the Men I meet are not emotionally ready.They act like they are,but in time they show themselves,and thats when I take on everything..Yes my heart is broken,but I will heal,lastnight I got so angry that I threw around all the things he had ever bought me,I wish somehow I could keep that anger,but I am just not built that way!!!I love it here,you are all such awesome women!!!
Hi Brenda
I think we all have certain things in common.Low self esteem, childhood wounds, abandonment issues and still we have a great capacity to love.After reading these posts I have realized that I was programmed to feel not good enough because I was the black sheep of the family.We search for the unconditional love that we should have got from our parent/parents, from the men we meet, but the only people who can love us unconditionally is our parents.I have now realized I have to love myself unconditionally and it has taken me years to find this out.You will feel better.I couldn’t get angry,so I got angry with myself and it made me ill.It’s good that you can get angry ,as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else.One day at a time.
I like coming on here too,it soothes me and I sometimes sleep better.
So well said!Thanks for that!
I am really struggling,I wish this Man could give me closure.Albeit I dont think I would feel better,but it would be something.I am upset with myself that I allowed him to treat me Bad at times..I remember him once telling me that he knows he does not treat me well and he is a douche bag!Actually he said it more than once!And yet I still clung to the hope of ‘US’.I have called him every 2nd day,with a message of Please give me closure,and again,he ignores me..Is he Scared?A Coward?Just Mean?I guess I had just accept the fact that I will have to find it in myself.But I dont know how.I am stuck,and I dont want to be….
So true about the low self-esteem. I am 2 months NC and moved to another state to finally break away from his influence on me. Last time, he broke up with me and ignored me for a year. It devasted me and even caused me my career since all I did was cry and think about him. Then about the time I was getting over him finally, he sees me at a laundromat and comes over to talk to me. One thing led to another and with some promises of being faithful, truthful and divorcing his wife in Mexico and marrying me, I let him move back in. Big mistake! At the end of July, I finally left after realizing he was never going to marry me or even acknowledge me to his children. Not even 2 weeks later, and while the utilities were still in my name, he shags the neighbor and makes sure that my friends are aware of it. Now he has visited the friend that helped get us together last time and tries to claim the neighbor didn’t mean anything to him, but also tells my friend how he is free to go out to nightclubs and chat up women because he doesn’t have someone to report to (in other words, me). Twice he has given her his number and asked her to call him because he has something to talk to her about. (She is married so it isn’t a come on although her husband is not happy since my exbf has roving eyes.) I am working so hard at analyzing why I ever fell for this man. I have also noticed that my internal dialog has been so abusive and degrading that how could I not end up latching on to a loser like him? If everything we say to ourselves is an exaggerated version of all the negative and demeaning things others dumped on us, how can we expect to have any positive results? I have now started to argue with myself and dispute what I say to myself. I think, “Would I say this to my son? Or to a stranger?” I mean, would any of us tell a loved-one, “Oh you are fat and not very good looking, so you’d better not let this one get away! I mean, it’s not like you are going to get a good man to even look at you.” Yet we say such ugly and vile things to ourselves on a constant basis. Is it any wonder we end up back with an ac? Is it any wonder we set ourselves up to fail over and over again? Add to this that we are fed the lies that if you love a man, you have to stick by him and adapt to him. Also, that if you don’t have a man, there is something wrong with you and if he strays, it is…
Hi Brenda – He doesn’t give you closure, you give it to yourself. If you’re calling begging him to give you closure, then his silence is actually giving you exactly what you’re asking for.
Thanks for the reality check…I guess I really need to start doind some work on me for once!The silence sure hurts tho!
Oh lgt…I am so sorry for your pain,Believe me I know and can feel what you are going thru..I have had alot of time to do some thinking and researching this type of behavior in some Men…I think they have some type of Mental illness,I am no Dr,but really who does this shit?
He obviuosly is missing something within himself,and I know for most guys they will NOT admit when something is not right..My Ex was extremely angry,hot and cold,push me away,come back…BIPOLAR!!!It helps me a bit to know that it is not my fault..He was this way before,Now its about me and understanding it and Moving on…It is not you….Keep well and know you are not alone!!!
Don’t look at it has getting closure, but look at it as finding new openings for yourself.
What’s for you, will not pass you by.
When I am still hurt over a guy, I avoid them like the plague. I don’t want to talk to them and have now made it a habit to block them. Why sign up for more pain? I don’t always trust myself not to say “F you, you hunk of shite”, and I don’t like the way I feel even seeing them somewhere, let alone talking to them. I would like to keep my composure and smile briefly before I excuse myself but my beet red face would give me away. The last Ex who ambushed me in a parking lot was saying he loved me and wanted to hug me……I said, “You love me so much you immediately had to put your penis in someone else. Don’t try to talk to me anymore, just leave me alone.” and then drove away while he was trying to lean in my car. Not exactly the high road. I blocked him two days before this incident and I haven’t talked to him since and have really avoided running into him. Sure, if I accidentally run into him now I will just say Hi and exercise Nat’s option A and excuse myself quickly. (hopefully my face will behave and not give me away). Silence and calmness is a powerful tool…..and better than having the last word. Plus, there is some satisfaction to know you have them wondering and maybe baffled about your new confidence. Who would of thunk it?
Sounds like you did great! That’s the thing, we always second guess our first reaction. And it usually dead on! Great Job, Jennynic!!
Seems like you are smart about this and know what is BETTER to do in terms of contact with the ex. It is soo hard to take the high road I find, yet I have done it since day 1 of the breakup. At times, I want to tell him off and give him what he deserves so bad- but no, I bite my tongue. I have seen my ex and his new gf many times now in the past several months we have been apart, and I havent blown up on him yet, however I do now “cold shoulder” him. Seems to work better for me, than faking the oh-so-friendly thing I tried at first.
I had to face my ex (we only broke up about 6 weeks ago) when he showed up at a show i went to by myself. I had bought the tickets through an online service and signed in w/Twitter (he’s blocked but I guess this app made the status public), he saw what show I was going to and showed up. Came over to talk to me. I could tell he was trying not to cry when he said hello and asked if I wanted to talk. I said no and stared straight ahead. He left me alone and went and sat down, but I confess I only lasted about 45 minutes and then had to leave. I was proud that I didn’t invite him to sit with me, and more proud that I didn’t get angry and start yelling, though I did ask him what he was doing there. I broke down crying as soon as I got outside, but he didn’t see, thank goodness!
Low-La I felt so bad for you when I read your post. Its only been 6wks for you the pain is still raw but you handled it very well and it will get better believe me. There’s a saying “Never let them see you sweat” and you didn’t, good for you.
What you don’t realise when you picture yourself being weak or ‘effing up’ before you’ve even effed up is that you’ve already given up, accepted defeat, and resigned yourself to the inevitable.
This is me all over. I tell myself how weak I am and have majorally messed up with my no contact. When he calls I am available for a chat even if I have to awkwardly hold the phone when cooking dinner, even if I’m about to go out I won’t say. One time in the not too distant past he texted to say when he would call and even though I had an invitation to be some where else I stayed in till he had called. WEAK and RIDICULOUS
I feel as though I am in a fight as though there are two people inside me the fall back girl and the healthy girl it is not often that healthy girl wins, but I can see how much I need to change my thinking, to someone who can do it. I have stopped texting him a major major break through, it was simple at the end of the day remove his number. (DUH) now its time to start winning in other areas.
My relationship with rejection needs to stop I can still see how much I dislike myself and these feelings are so familiar its like a bad habit. Like others above I need to keep the truth the simple truth in my mind when dealing with him he has and will keep rejecting me there will be no satisfaction.
Hi Everyone
When I decided I couldn’t take anymore off my ex I changed my number.I got sick of getting the odd text that was clearly meant for another woman-it felt like being punched in the stomach.I didn’t change it because i’m tough, but because I am weak.I had to make sure contact was broken.I saw him about 7 months later, he was on the other side of the road which I was about to cross.I was left broken after the split because I had lost so much. I felt like my whole life was hanging by a thread.I struggled to pay the bills, was taking anti depressants and was so stressed I developed an under active thyroid gland .He looked like a million dollars and as if he didn’t have a care in the world. I looked like rubbish and felt like rubbish.I was certain I couldn’t walk past him ,so I turned around and walked another way.I have seen him a few times in the bookmakers.I walked past the door,he looked,I looked, and I carried on walking.He doesn’t try to talk to me,I have no desire to talk to him,or even say hello.I have no intention of making a fool of myself by making a fuss either.
Why do you have to do anything ?
Like Nat has said before ” is he friend worthy ? ”
The only thing I worry about now is why on earth I allowed myself to be treated so badly, for so long,which I think means i’m getting better.
Barbara Doduk-You must have been stunned when your ex said that to you.You are better off without him and remember you got one good thing out of it,your lovely child.
“The only thing I worry about now is why on earth I allowed myself to be treated so badly, for so long,which I think means i’m getting better.”
Couldn’t agree more.
Tanzanite
Yes, my daughter is the greatest gift ever. He always says, “You are welcome” about that too… Like he takes credit for it. *rolls eyes*
You know, I knew he wouldn’t react well to the news of the pregnancy. Yes he lashed out at me at the news – but it was not the first time either. To say we had had a terrible relationship is an understatement. I was just a rebound and he always talked about his ex and compared me to her. He treated me awful. I know I shouldn’t have allowed it. And in fact, I had dumped him and we were ‘broken up’ when we ran into each other and ended up back in the sack for a weekend… and I conceived my daughter in that one moment of weakness.
So yes, what he said, it was the worst thing anyone has every said to me, but it was not unexpected.
You know, to this day he still says he didn’t mean it. Says he regrets saying it (and a thousand other terrible things.) Says all these things to make me believe he is a better person than he is. Sure, he was scared. I get it. But it doesn’t change the true nature of his character. I see him now for who he is. I see him as a pathetic loser. Why? Because he is living out the exact same roller-coaster abusive unhealthy relationship with the new girl (I know because sadly he tells me details even when I don’t care!)
I’ve however finally healed myself. I was not in a healthy place when I met him, and that was why I put up with his crap. I feel I am worlds apart from the person I was when I met him, and he is exactly the same messed up boy. Makes it easy to be immune to his BS, when I simply truly don’t give a toss.
Great Post! The best thing you could do for yourself is, not give them the satisfaction of thinking they’re all that and a bag of chips!! LOL!!
“all that and a bag of chips”
I like this phrase!! Totally agree though.
Natalie:
Always keeping it CLASSY!!!!!!!!
You said:
What you don’t realize when you picture yourself being weak or “effing up” before you even effed up is that you already
GIVEN UP
ACCEPTED DEFEAT
RESIGNED YOURSELF TO THE INEVITABLE.
classic!
You said:
Letting yourself get hijacked by your imagination and remove your power…
Absolutely and this transends into all areas of our life.
Always have a plan A and B and you say C and D.
Go Big or Go Home.
Hey Nat
Keep it classy!
Hey Nat!
This is definitely a killer post for sure!! I have been dreading bumping into my ex at some point in the not-to-distant future. You see, we were pen pals for six months–which eventually developed into an online long distance relationship that last for another four months–before I actually relocated across country to be with him. We were together for 14 months before he realized that he did not see a future with me.
Here’s the thing: Even though the relationship did not work out, relocating was the BEST thing that I could have done. I found a wonderful job that pays more money than I’ve ever made in my life (to my surprise, the manager that interviewed me on the phone for the job informed me that she attended the same high school as me, but graduated ten years earlier!), I’ve met some wonderful friends, and after the break up, bought a house in a very quaint little Northern California town located near the waterfront. In other words, aside from ending up with a broken heart, I actually landed on my feet! I realize that although he was the catalyst that caused me to move, we were not meant to be together for the long term. I truly believe that some people come into our lives for a reason and a season; whereas others come to stay. We just have to recognize which ones are meant to stay and which ones are meant to go and accept it.
With that said, after reading your blog, rather than approaching running into my ex with fear and trepidation (easier said than done I know), I will approach it from the position of him doing me a favor. First, by luring me (his words) back to my home state, and a wonderful new found life. Second, by letting me know that he did not see a future with me; thus enabling me to move on with my life and free myself up, emotionally, to the possibility of meeting someone who will.
I’ve thought about what it would be like to run into the ex that I had the long-term half- way decent relationship with. And, as cold as this sounds, I have no desire to go up to him and say hi and ask how he is doing. He probably doesn’t with me either. Fine. But, really, if the moment comes to pass and I notice him. I may smile, I may not. But I will look the other way and keep on walking. I have this aloof side to me that has its advantages.
Let’s not forget the guy I dated many moons ago. He actually would break up with me or threaten to if his favorite team lost. I was young, dumb and beyond desperate. He would threaten to have his sister beat me up for no reason but just to do it. He actually had a couple girls come to my house one early Sunday morning to kick my arse (for no reason!!). I ran into him several years later. We noticed each other in a department store but I paid no real mind. He came up to me and said I looked familiar. I looked dead at him and it was like I could not help it coming out of my mouth. I said, “Oh God, go away” and walked off. I heard him say “whatever” from behind and I just kept going. Whatever is right. That was the craziest “relationship” I have ever been in. A big reason I stayed, other than the fact I did not want to be alone, was because I was terrified what he would do if I tried to leave! So, I’ve just got these buttheads all over the place. Luckily I only have to see one these days on a daily basis and that’s pretty much a big ol’ “meh”. We talk about regular crap we have in common if we do talk. But I’m past all the stupid stuff. I caught on to his game and witnessed him do it to another woman. He’s good to talk to about some things but that is about it.
Wow! Natalie!
Is amazing how can I apply your advice in this post, not into bumping into exes but on working on my dissertation. If I picture success and control over the situation, I know I will be better off than predicting the worse.
As always, your posts have teach me a lot about reationships and I have truly started seeing the changes. But is more amazing that I can use the same wisdom in oder situations in my life.
Thank you and keep up the good work!
Nat, it is sooooo true that changing your mindset from, “I hope I’ll handle it well” to “I’ll be fine, he and his mind games are not my reality any longer” makes a huge difference. It took me about a year or so to really get there. Then, as luck would have it, I ran into ex EUM for the first time after the night we broke up and I went NC, just a couple of weeks ago! It was strange, he actually seemed startled when he noticed it was me, and dropped the too cool for school persona he usually has going. Meanwhile, I just continued on my way, as I had made it clear long ago I wasn’t on speaking terms with
him. No drama, no telling him off, no evil looks, or turning away, nothing. It
felt GREAT!
Jas
This is a great post to reread from time to time. What about when someone you work with, who you went out with over several months (never anything more romantic than kissing), and then he pulled back, back, back–very abruptly. I work in the same building and occasionally we see each other from down the hall. Mostly he has ignored me, but a few times he has smiled reflexively. I feel equal parts angry and embarrassed (at him for manipulating me and at myself for not respecting my boundaries and ignoring the flashing red and yellow lights about him along the way). I fear running into him and have literally gone out of my way to avoid it (and this has been going on for almost 2 years!). We both avoid each other. If I do see him I’ve tended to put my head down or dart into the closest hallway/bathroom/meeting room just to get him out of my sight. A friend had told me when he first started ignoring me (with no explanation) that I should look right at him and smile, but I SO didn’t feel like he “deserved” my politeness, however insincere, that I couldn’t do it. Is tere any reason for me to start now, after all this time?
Melinda
Ignore him, or treat him like a colleague you don’t particularly like or dislike. So if you end up in the lift with him, say “hello” if that’s your normal behaviour. If you don’t speak to people in lifts just do the vacant lift stare. I wouln’t bother with ducking into meeting rooms, just carry on doing what you would normally. Try not to make eye contact. I’m chinese, we do this quite naturally. It may seem rude, but it’s about not invading people’s space or making them feeling obligated to react to you. If you want a masterclass in ignoring people politely, try the Hong Kong underground!
As Judge Judy says, he’s a nothing. He’s not your friend, he’s not your boyfriend … he’s a nothing.
No smiling, practise the completely impassive blank expression. I swear it’s kept me out of shedloads of trouble!
I have been dreading the thought of running into the ex. But it’s been a long time, a year and I still haven’t run into him. After the callous way he dumped me, I don’t want to give him the time of day. From past experiences they either: do full on making out in front of you. This was even though thru were the dumper! So distasteful! Or they are comeyely Nasty and call you crazy and try and justify dumping you and still Blane everything on you. This is why I don’t feel confident running into an ex. In the end I know they haven’t changed at all.
Did he do the dissapearing act???
Great advice. Imagining it is half the battle. It’s useful at work too. In a stressful situation imagine it all going well, and being calm and confident. It really helps. Good work Nat!
Great post as usual Nat. What do you do when your body betrays your feelings?
I saw an ex a while ago and he had broken up through ignoring me. I was so upset by the experience and when I saw him I started to shake violently. Not just a little, but violently and tried to get away from him, but he walked over to me to say hello and my hands were still shaking and he saw that. I felt so pathetic. I just said got to go and left and even that was an incoherent jumble and I threw up afterwards. How do you act normally when your body is feeling the truth of the situation?
Also this has never happened to me with anyone else. Sometimes when someone mentions his name it makes me physically nauseous not because I hate him, but because it was such an awful situation and I was so hurt by it.
Your body did what it thought best. Fight or flight. You fled.
If your worried about what your ex thinks of you, forget him. He should be the one who feels ashamed.
Oh Lavender my heart goes out to you. You didn’t say how long its been but I went through the same thing with my ex. Its now been 2yrs and I saw him about a month ago, it wasn’t quite as bad as I always thought it would be but not something I’d like to repeat any time soon.
He did 99.9% of the talking and made excuses for his bad behavior including I drove him to cheat. Luckily this conversation lasted less then 5 minutes and when it was done I like so many have said I realizied he hasn’t changed but I had.
I was shaked for awhile but I got right back on BR and read what Nat has always told us and then just let it go. I wasn’t going to allow this one incident to put me back at square one again. Granted easier said than done at times.
In Zen there is a saying “If something can be remedied why be unhappy about it? And if there is no remedy for it, There is still no point in being unhappy.
All I can say is to keep working at working through it, maybe some counselling too. I’ll keep good thoughts for you.
Thank you both so much for your encouragement, it really helps!
“You and only you can handle your situations. If you’re relying on the other party to Do The Right Thing especially when that’s not exactly their forte, you’re handing over your power and leaving your progress up to fate.”
I am embarrassed to say that I have always been counting on the other person to do the right thing – not hurt me, care about me, behave like an adult. This is particularly funny, given my tendency to go for men who display a chronic inability to do any of these things. It was all a way of not having to do it for myself, largely because I believed I couldn’t. I love this post.
“If you’re relying on the other party to Do The Right Thing especially when that’s not exactly their forte, you’re handing over your power and leaving your progress up to fate.”
Me too. I did that. I relied on the unreliable. I hoped that he would do the right thing by me cos apparently I couldn’t do it for myself. I bloody well can now! I am never going to wait or hope for anyone ever again to do the right thing by me, am going do it myself! Thank you BR for getting that concept into my thick head.
Good stuff. I’ve been in situations like this before (whether romantic or otherwise) and, in my experience, things turn out much better than imagined (my imagination was/sometimes is negative). It was kinda like “Wow… so-and-so doesn’t have that kind of power over me. As a matter-of-fact, so-and-so seems even more anxious/nervous/pathetic than me! What was I thinking? I can handle this after all.” 🙂
I still get stuck from time to time when it comes to facing certain people (whether romantic or otherwise), but I think that I’ve gotten better at prying myself loose from being stuck. This imagination exercise should help me (and the rest of you) in the future.
I’m petrified of running into my exEUM. I moved to be with him, have no real friends and my family is back at home. The only reason I’m still here is because of my job that I like but I’m terribly lonely. I left him 8 weeks ago and I know that if I run into him any time soon I will fall apart. He is honestly the most gorgeous man I have ever been with and my first real serious relationship. I’m on anxiety tablets because of the fear of running into him and how it will make me feel. Stupidly enough I got back in contact with him last week told him I really missed him and he was very indifferent with me. He’s totally over it while I’m still in hell every day. Its like I’m the one who’s paying for leaving him. He doesn’t give a rats ass about me and I’m the one losing sleep, dreaming about him and waking up every morning miserable. Don’t know how I’m going to shake this off, I want to be over him more than ANYTHING. I know he’s not worth this yet he still has a hold over me.
He does NOT have a hold over you.
You merely BELIEVE that.
You want him. So you make him into that object of power. Once you release your mind, and change the way you think yourself, he will not seem so important. He is doing nothing but existing. It is you that creates the emotions you experience.
A hard lesson to learn, or really, it is a way of thinking that is hard to unlearn. I was like this. I loved the fantasy I created in my head, and I pretended that ‘the man’ was my ideal, my fantasy come true. I placed TOO MUCH importance on having this fantasy man, because I used to believe I needed a fantasy man to be complete.
In fact, he was just a man. Once I stopped believing in my fairytale, and believed in MYSELF instead… the fantasy no longer mattered to me. I found happiness within myself.
🙁
It’s VERY important that you get out and meet some new friends, as this will help you refocus your thoughts away from your ex to thoughts of your new life with your new friends. I, too, relocated to be with my ex. I broke up with him last January. My first Valentine’s Day post breakup could have been hell (the thought of spending it alone crying over my ex was unbearable), but I signed up with a social group through “Meetup.com” and ended up spending (in spite of having a broken heart and fighting back tears–I had to excuse myself to go the bathroom and have myself a good cry) a wonderful Valentine’s Day enjoying happy hour and having dinner with three very nice gentleman and another lady (all who have turned out to be wonderful friends). My new friends and I have been getting together and doing things ever since. They have been a blessing and I am thankful that I made the effort, in spite of the tremendous pain that I was feeling at the time to meet them.
There are meetup groups for whatever your interests are (hiking, biking, dating, coping with breakups, dancing, etc.) all over the United States—not sure if you are living here in the U.S., but if you are, sign up asap!
Another great organization that gives discounts for restaurants, social events, and weekend getaways is called “LivingSocial.com” Just type in your zip code and see all of the wonderful deals that they have to offer.
Joining meetup groups will help you recover from your breakup because you will be so busy having fun, you won’t have time to fret about your ex.
Good luck!!
🙁
It is very fresh, and will take time. Trust me, we have been in your shoes and relate to the feelings.
You mentioned that he has a hold over you. He does not have any type of hold over you, you are choosing to let this control you You have to choose to let this go, and understand what brought you to this place, so that you do not repeat with another!
Thank you all for your responses. I find that I don’t want to go out in case I run into him and the thought petrifies me. I don’t understand why I feel so bad when it was me who ended it because of the way he was treating me. I am making him my whole life at the moment and its driving me crazy because I want to stop obsessing and over thinking me and him. Believe it or not I was a very strong before I met him. He was my first boyfriend at 22 because I was enjoying being single and having fun up till then so its not like I am the type of person who needs a boyfriend to feel complete. When I met him he was just the complete package and I did feel like it was too good to be true…turns out it was. Im just completely stuck and I want to move forward but I cant seem to
🙁
What saved me was keeping busy. I got involved in dance, hiking , yoga, meditation, classes and most volunteering. Volunteering is amazing, as you take the focus off of you and put it on others. Very rewarding!
Keep yourself busy and choose to change your life! We can NEVER make another individual our center.
True story Allison! I tried to do at least one new thing every week – even little stuff, like playing golf at a different course or trying a new recipe. I totally agree on volunteering too. As sucky as situations with an EUM or an AC can be, there are people inWAY suckier situations. I can remember thinking, “Well, yes it’s awful that this guy wasn’t very nice to me and it’s still hurtful, but at least I get to feel hurt in a house and I have a family to call if I’m sad.” Never take the good things in life for granted because some jackass has made you feel bad!
p.s. Adopting my beloved bulldog Winston was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Life is better with a puppy (or any pet!) and so many of them need loving homes!
Thank you Alison and Natasha, I need to make myself busy in order to get by I just worry about seeing him when I’m out and about, its so silly. He’s well and truly over us and is just getting on with his life which makes me angry that I cant do the same. At least I’ve learnt a lot of valuable lessons from this most importantly what I will NOT put up with and not to try to “talk” someone into making time for me and “talk” someone into showing me they care. As long as I don’t make these mistakes again I should be OK. Annoying that he wanted to move in with me and could see himself having children with me, yet is over me weeks after us ending. He must have truly meant every word he said. I must have been is “greatest love” as he said. What a load of Bull
Yes, Natalie, you must be psychic! This post is oh so perfect. It’s been almost six months since “the end” and the beginning of No Contact. I’ve passed my ex in the car but that is it. I have burned tremendous amounts of brain power imagining what would happen if I saw him again. Or, yikes!, if he contacted me. I’ve wavered in reaction from one end of the spectrum to the other. Yep, everything from panties swinging from the chandeliers (lol) to punching him in the face!
And then it finally happened. I was meeting a girlfriend for dinner last week and I saw his car in the parking lot. I immediately started having a panic attack. So I stood beside my car for a few minutes and put on my game face. He’s just some guy! He hurt me! He shoved me under the bus. He ought to hang his head in shame for his behavior! So I’m gonna hold my head UP. Even if I’m a bit shaky on the inside, I won’t let him see it!
So as my friend and I are sitting at the table, I finally see him walk toward the restroom. When he came out, I was looking straight at him. I felt so serene. I know I had the calmest look on my face. He looked past me but must have suffered whiplash doing a double take. His eyes totally bugged out of his head! It was like he had seen a ghost! Then he ran!!!! It was awesome.
I never did the whole “can we talk, please don’t leave” texting, calling, emailing, stalking, etc. And there has been no Reset Button. So I have no regrets or embarrasment on that score. I’ve never behaved that way. (Keep it classy!) I never wanted ANYONE to have an ewwww icky view of me. But I actually didn’t care what he thought!!!! Yay me. That’s a real breakthrough. I lauged hysterically and thought “What a jackass”. I’m just really proud of myself. And I know it will only get better from here. 🙂
Love you BR!
Lois,
Good for you!!! 🙂
Hey Lois Lane!
“So as my friend and I are sitting at the table, I finally see him walk toward the restroom. When he came out, I was looking straight at him. I felt so serene. I know I had the calmest look on my face. He looked past me but must have suffered whiplash doing a double take. His eyes totally bugged out of his head! It was like he had seen a ghost! Then he ran!!!! It was awesome.”
ROLMAO!!! It must have been the kryptonite in your gaze that frightened him off! Ha! Ha! Ha! What a TREMENDOUS ego stroke for you that was!! LOVE IT! LOVE IT!! LOVE IT!! Go ahead wit you bad self!! Can I rub your arm so that some of that mojo will rub off on me when I run into my ex???
Colororange-
I was bored the other night and I did a personality test online.96% of my answers said I was aloof,71% of my answers said I was rigid and 49% of my answers said I was pragmatic. I know the figures don’t add up but that’s what it said.I’m not sure if that hinders or helps women who love too much, but i’m with you,why give anymore of your time to someone who has treated you badly.We may take years to get over their treatment and having the relationship post mortem, but they have moved on.Once they realise we don’t think they are great anymore,we become surplus to requirements.
Lavender- I am no spring chicken,which means I know when I feel genuine love.I may love again,but I know I will never love someone as perfectly as I loved my ex.I see him as the love of my life.When I see him I get knocked sideways because I was deeply attracted to him,that is normal but it doesn’t alter the fact he was an assclown.
You genuinely loved !
My personality didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know.I lost my sense of fun over the last 3 years.When I laugh a lot my jaw aches which tells me I don’t laugh enough.If everything happens for a reason then I have learned to not trust so blindly,to lighten up and to put myself first for a change.
Good luck everyone.x
Two weeks ago the narcicisst I put into no contact went around our crowd and said that I am a stalker, trying to discredit me. I am not a stalker, have never stalked anyone and especially not him. Then he moved 6 houses down from me.
It’s a violation of my personal space, my home. I now have a method of looking to the other side of the street when I pass his house and this is helping me take back my control of situation. I do not want to see his car or whoever’s car is there. I DONT CARE.
I read that to heal from a narcicisst you have to do Deep-Personal healing on a ‘vibrational’ level. I sing in a choir on Thursday nights and the act of reading music on paper, eyes through brain, and process with sound and words out my mouth, is VERY Healing. I am also working out at the gym before work and this helps greatly – & is boosting my confidense as I look and feel better in and out of my clothes.
Honestly, what I’ve allowed myself to go through during this past 14 months with this difficult damaged man…. could have been the end of me if I did not HAVE IN PLACE, many features of self-protection. But now I MUST increase them to get over the final hurdle and to delegate him as a Non-memory.
Have a good day ladies. Be strong, seek good things right now. Love, and Thanks Natalie!
AngelFace
My ex did/does the same thing, tells everyone I am some crazy stalker. He still needs to believe I am in love with him, so he tells all his ‘friends’ that I am some desperate hag that is jealous of his current [dysfunctional] relationship.
However thing is, I don’t give a toss what he tells these people. They also mean nothing to me. They are merely ‘bar’ people, and ‘musicians’ he associates with at the bars. He is a big drinker and gets loud and obnoxious the more loaded he gets. I remember how embarrassing he was when we were together, and I also remember how all those ‘bar friends’ were annoyed by his behaviour. So I doubt that they even give a toss what he is saying to them about me (a person they never see anymore since I dumped him.)
I love myself, and the real important people in my life, they know me and love me. The rest of the folks outside my ‘monkey sphere’ don’t matter.
Hi Lavender
I can relate to you in some ways. The last time i saw my ex was in a club. I was with my friends he was with his. He came over to speak to me and i ran. I didn’t feel comfortable with him being there. I too was in a bit of a state when i got home and then hours later got a nasty message from him cos i ignored him. I wish i had been a little more mature with the situation for my sake not his but i didnt want to speak with him. I too have never been this way before with an ex. It is probably a culmination of the hurt they caused and fortunately i havent seen him since.
louise
it’s a club, you can do what you like. If you ran into him at a wedding or at work that’s a different matter. No biggie, he needs to get over himself.
I often had fantasies of meeting up with ex…me hi karate chopping them in the jewels. ..or also yelling and asking what the eff..but knew they were fantasies..most of the time I knew I would be nervous and it would be awkward..now I’m at this point where I’m confident..realize it never was going to work and although I miss some aspects..I have moved on and am very happy becoming me again…good tool to use..because odds are I probably will bump into him..and prepping for the sitch will help. Thanks Nat
This post has come at a great time. I’m traveling back to the country where the ex-EUM lives and the probability that I will run into him is high.
After freaking out about the possibility of a run in and inventing a litany of things that I wanted to say, my counselor wryly observed that I had expended a huge amount of mental energy on an imaginary situation that hadn’t even happened yet and that none of my possible disaster scenarios put me in a position of power in my life.
“What you need,” she said, “is an emotional plan.”
I decided that my emotional plan is to keep moving, both physically and psychologically. [This is a neat and tidy way to remember to not get caught up talking with the ex-EUM and to remove myself physically from the situation as well as a reminder not to get caught up in his EUM manipulations, lies, and other assorted bull$hit.]
Move over, ex-EUM. There’s a new boss in town.
Cheers.
I am absolutely terrified of bumping into my ex. Terrified.
We broke up a few months ago but still I refuse to go to certain places I used to love … luckily I live a good bit away from him so I try to stay put in my own village as much as I can. I go to college though in the same area he frequents so I do get scared when I go in that we will cross paths. I know it sounds pathetic.
When we first got together he came on all hot … Future Faking and Fast Fowarding in it’s essence. So of course will all of his promises and gestures I began to trust him a lot more than I should have. The year before I met him I broke up with a very long term boyfriend and he was very good to me and my only boyfriend … it never occured to me to watch out for these things like Fast Fowarding … in fact it never occured to me that there are not so nice guys out there apart from a cheater or a beater. I was naiive.
I opened up to this new guy about my childhood (divorce, berevement, abuse) and my illness (clinical depression and PTSD), shared myself and my secrets, insecurities, fears … of course now I realise that I shouldn’t have shared with him this information.
At first he seemed supportive of me and completely ok with some of the excess baggage I carry. I never for a second believed that he would turn sour on me after all the promises he made and exploit what I shared. He turned nasty.
We broke up. I instigated it. I was getting very affected by his put downs, the belittling and the behaviour. It was a heartbreaking thing for me to do because I really thought he was ‘the One’ and I had opened up to him.
I poured myself into my college work and refused to go out. I felt ashamed. I felt like a crazed, mentally ill, not so attractive washed out piece of crap … various things he called me stuck with me (they still do). I got a great degree out of my reclusiveness but I feel like I have changed now as a person. My confidence has been zapped.
I’m still in college I accepted another course I worked hard to meet the criteria for and it’s like my life. I’m too afraid to go out to places where I think there’s a chance he’ll be. I see a counsellor and that’s helping gradually.
I know he’s said a lot of horrible things about me since. I remember once he called a friend of his he fell out with a ‘fat bitch’ and called a girl he still hangs around…
You’re spot on about planning ‘positive’ reactions rather than imagining powerless/negative situations – as on the one hand they can become self-fulfilling prophicies. Secondly, I think it also means that you are still holding on, even in your fantasy world, which does not benefit your healing process of moving on.
This post has really come at the best time. I know I will be getting a call at work from him at some point to try and see me to tell me things will be different . I have my mind made up to tell him No and do not call me anymore. (He has been told this, but it hasn’t sunk in yet-and my actions are now matching my words since I have not seen him since August when I told him I would not).
The MM that I am no longer seeing does not remember telling me three times on our last date (two months ago, in August) that he will cheat on me. He told me I don’t know him and he will cheat on me. I know now that I do not know better and this is a glaring red flag and I have opted out. (Yes, I should have opted out long ago and never put myself in this position. At least it is done now and I will not repeat). (Also the saying what they do with you they will do to you). He also slapped me once in the face on this same date and doesn’t remember doing that either. On the drive to the date (before these cheating comments and the slap happened) I was telling him how we want different things and I would no longer be seeing him after this time and he said it sounds like we are breaking up. I agreed. (He doesn’t remember this conversation, either). He called me at work in September (two weeks later) to let me know that his wife has found someone new overseas and won’t be coming back to reconcile with him, but we can’t have a relationship as he is too busy with work and helping take care of his ageing parents to make time for me on a regular basis. I told him I would not be seeing him anymore due to what happended on our last date and he is still married. He got mad and told me that was stupid and I have to forgive him and make peace with him. Then he hung up and it was another three weeks before he called me at work again. I continue to tell him I no longer have any evenings free to see him and since he is still married and we can’t have a relationship there is no point or reason for him to call me anymore. Also the update Mr. Unavailable book is excellent. I continue to see myself in it and how I no longer want to be that Fallback Girl. Thank you, Natalie.
Hi LFMM: You can also visualize hanging up on this douchebag, or letting it go through to voicemail. You’ve said enough to him. I don’t believe he doesn’t remember slapping you. The guy who assaulted me in college on New Year’s Eve had a convenient lapse in memory the next day too.
Magnolia,
Thank you for replying. Hanging up on him when he calls me at work will be what I will do now. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that since it is so simple to do. I’m sorry you had that experience, but I do appreciate your sharing with me. I don’t want to dread going into work just because he might call (and knowing these types, it is good to have the hang up game plan in place).
Learning
NC all the way. If he calls you again at work, as soon as you know it’s him, put the phone down. If he calls again, ditto. If he does it again get a colleague, preferably male, to answer your phone and offer to take a msg.
that’s how I stopped my abusive ex who couldn’t remember stuff either from calling me at work.
Grace,
Thank your for replying. I appreciate your advice and practical suggestions, too. As I mentioned to Magnolia, I don’t know why I didn’t think of hanging up at work. I must have thought it would not be professional-but that is just what he would be counting on. I do know he doesn’t deserve anymore of my time and that it would be pointless to try to explain my stand further with him. Thank you for sharing what worked for you. NC is the way to go.
Natalie and ladies thanks for this post and your comments. I have a fuuny story. This week I’ve been feeling a little uneasy, no ruminating or anxiety though, that the ex MM may be making an appearance. Mutual friends have reported to me that he has started to show up again at college functions, which I haven’t attended due to scheduling conflicts. I can’t tell them I don’t want to hear about him because, well, our involved was a secret, of course. I change the subject as quickly as possible. Looks like he’s been able to showboat his way around his wife and he’s not being tailed anymore. He’s also admitted in the past that he has stayed in contact with mutual friends in order to fish around regarding info about me and he’s also shown up in the parking lot when he knows I’ll be leaving work (my schedule is public). Since he is a like a cockroach after a nuclear bomb and I used to have the door cracked a bit, he always got back in because I let him back in, inlcuding the sneaky, sneaky blocked number phone call. Thank you for this post because I was doing the “hoping” thing and not planning positively. Today I was leaving work (after visiting the restroom) without a care in the world armed with Plan A, B, & C. As I’m almost to my car, I hear a voice calling my name. I almost didn’t turn around. It was a colleague wanting to inform me that the back of my dress was caught in my tights exposing my rear-end. I didn’t even feel a breeze. I was so grateful it wasn’t the ex. There’s probably a moral here somewhere. “I will be strong even if I run into him and my rear-end is exposed?”
LOL love it!
If it happens, consider it Plan D: leaving him in the dust with a nice view of what he’s not getting anymore!
Now that’s a sweet visual and a way to exit with my head held high and dress tucked into my tights. I knew there was a moral to the story. Remember “kinda interesting guy” who texted that he was interested in women and sex. Your response still makes me laugh…as though he had two interests. Natalie, can we add Plan D? Magnolia, you make me laugh. Ladies, head held high above the toilet water despite the fact your rear end may be exposed.
Runner, you are too funny! If it makes you feel any better, last winter I was at a meeting and, as I was putting my coat on, the clasp on my front-close brassiere chose that exact moment to break. Thank God I had both a coat and no exes in the vicinity!! We should both just be like, “You’re welcome gentlemen.”
Hey Natasha,
Maybe my sense of humor may be returning…good sign! I think if I ever do have the unfortunate opportunity of running into him, I’ll immediately check if my dress and bra are okay while I confidently and clamly stride away cool as a cucumber. That’s the kind of last “word” I envision now. Thank goodness you had a coat and no ex and no camera to catch the wardrobe malfunction.
I’m relieved I was in the parking lot on my way home. What if I would have shown up in class like that? LOL!
Runner, I think your sense of humor is back in full force 🙂 When I was in the Depths of Despair (to steal a phrase from Anne of Green Gables!), I used to force myself to watch or read something funny every day. I remember the precise moment I fully got my sense of humor back: I was having dinner with a friend and she said, “You seem like you are feeling much better, am I right?” and I sat for a second and said, “You know, I’ve stopped blaming myself. I accept that he’s an asshole. I also accept that it could never have worked anyway, because it’s quite possible that he’s an anti-Semite. There was also the time he made up a fake injured relative to get out of going out with me. Weeks later he texted me drunk in the middle of the night to ask if I’d seen the nonexistant relative’s obituary and felt bad.” We looked at each other and burst out laughing – 10 minutes later we still couldn’t stop guffawing. I never, ever thought I would find anything to do with my exes funny! Keep laughing girl, trust me when I tell you that it will do you a whole world of good!
I saw my ex on Tuesday in the queue fir an event. We said hi, a polite how are you, then he turned around. Then my mate picked up his dropped wallet. She introduced herself and then realised we knew each other. He then said to her ‘this girl (me) is the love of my life and she doesnt believe me. She thinks im chatting BS’. I said nothing.
This anoyed me a little, how awkward is that. Good thing is that i didnt react at all. I sent him a text asking him not to say things like that to my friends. he says he will respect my wishes. Hes never said that before, hes always claimed to love me. That was a little more bitter.
I have always wanted it to work with him, but even if I behaved with more self esteem and boundaries then he’d still make me miserable. He says that ‘if you believe its not going to work then it wont’.
These comments are true, but I cant control another persons behaviour, his behaviour is and has always been off key.
Hi NK: Are you NC with this guy? You prolonged things and kept the story alive by texting him instead of just forgetting the whole thing. My ex protested to everyone that he was being left when he didn’t want to be. Another guy stopped speaking to me and would ignore me in front of his friends, then later he was all like: Magnolia thinks I don’t like her! Woe is me, I don’t know why! Whatever. NC all the way.
How I respond when seeing my ex depends on how or shy we broke up.
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If he cheated or did something else shady to me, then he is completely ignored. For me, they no longer exist. The funny twist to that is that I will speak and be completely cordial if they speak to me.
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My most recent ex showed up at my house. Can you imagine the balls on this guy? I was completely shocked, but I answered my door and we chatted for a few minutes. We exchanged phone numbers and then the first time he called I explained to him that I hope he understands that this is just a friends situation, because I’m not interested in anything he has to offer. He hasn’t called since. LOL
What about when you see them and they’re with the new girlfriend. Then see you and do a full make out session in front of you? Just to rub it in your face.
I’d ignore them by quietly moving tables or just walk out.
They’re doing it to get a reaction. Ultimately, if I was the new girlfriend I’d be thinking “what’s going on?”.
I was in a similar situation once, I sat there and gawped at the ex’s audacity, walked across the road to the shop and he’d moved when I came back. I went home and cried. His gf had no idea what he was up to.
I wish I’d just walked on. It hurts at the time but it says more about them than you e.g they’re trying to annoy you, or they are playing games.
If that happens, then they are showing you that they still care what you think. It also means they are petty and not worth your time.
Exactly Lavendar. My own dad did this to my mom. His mother had died about 3 yrs after they divorced. My mom went to the funeral because she had known the woman for 25 yrs. She went up to my dad to give her condolences and he ignored her and started making out with his gf. My sister and I were disgusted. My mom was not jealous of the making out, she had a look on her face like ‘I cannot believe I was married to this man’. In my opinion it was the ultimate in disrespect to my mom and it was all I could do not to slap his face. My mom has been married for 17 yrs now and my dad cant keep a woman to save his name because of his disrespectful and selfish ways.
Fedup,
don’t give him the opportunity to rub anything in your face. Walk away. It took me a long time to realise that I don’t have to hang around in situations that I find hurtful (like those you mention) – and I certainly shouldn’t go looking for them. This guy’s behaviour is juvenile, sad and pathetic. Pity the girl who’s being slobbered all over by this prize pillock just to annoy another girl – you. Let him see you are above this nonsense and not interested in him or his childish attention seeking. Dump him and everything to do wih him. Delete!
I used to believe I had to “stay around and show how accepting I was” whenever an ex was making out with his new flame. For all my life, I’ve been taught to act “accepting” no matter what people did to me.
But you are so right. It’s totally okay to turn around and refuse to watch. What a relief.
I have a long history of obsessing over any man who has had the nerve to dump me. This was alway about loss of self esteem disguised in the myth of losing the love of my life or experienceing my last chance of love.
The flip side of this is that when I did eventually bump into my former swains…..I was totally embarassed over the drama since in the light of day…..the guys who dumped me were totally on target to end the realtionship. I would NEVER return to any of these men since they simply were not a good fit for many reasons.
In most cases I would be embarassed to have these men in my life today. Too often when you really miss a particularly Bad Boy it is more out of being just lonely and not the loss of that actual realtionship.
I am in this Forum to carefully choose the next guy with more insight.
Valley,
You are so right!
If I do run into the ex again, I hope it will be alone. I think my friends would believe I had lost my senses, if they met the man I had been in love with. So happy to have moved on from that mess!
Well I Called a friend tonight,and went for coffee…Something I should have done along time ago!
We were talking about the Eum that dissapeared on me.My Friend is a guy,and what he told me made alot of sense..As you may know my ex suffers from many issues..And what my friend said hit home and got me to thinking…He said IT IS NOT ME,that this Man has some very huge issues,and nothing I could have done could warrent the way he left…I guess its easier for some people to just leave,as they dont really want to deal with it..I guess thats what EUM is to me….
I was blaming myself for everything,But I see now that I as never really the problem,his “stuff” had been there long before me..So now I am ready and committed to NC,I no longer have room for him in my heart or mind…My Mom sent me a great email tonight…this is what it said…..If someone wants to be a part of your life,they will make an effort to be in it,So dont bother reserving a place in your heart who does not make an effort to stay!!!!
Apart of me wants to be a complete bitch and ask my ex if he’s dumped anyone else by text, after me.
Fedup here’s my take on that. I have a PhD in eu’s and ac’s. Their behavior doesnt change from one person to the next. I can guarantee he’s broken up with others via text or even worse. My last one, he’s the disappearing kind, he told me all sorts of stuff about the girls before me but put a positive spin on it all. After about 2 mths I started putting all his stories together, correctly, and noticed he was doing the same thing to me. He told me one story of a girl he dated for 6mths that kept coming back to him, well let me just say I know it was because she would break up then he would call her back with some sob story about how he was this and that and she would hope that he had changed and take him back. How do I know this? because he did the same thing to me. I didnt keep ‘going back’ to him, he kept calling me back with promises and false stories about how he saw the light. Each time I would resign myself to the fact that we were broken up and I would go about my merry way not contacting him, then, BOOM here he’d come back sometimes with gifts. Guarantee you he did the same thing with the other girls. He would tell me that none of them wanted to be his friend later and guess what neither do I. He is a user, a faker, a liar, he will say and do anything to get you back in his web and then lower the boom on you. One time when I had broken up with him, he called me and had me lead him through the salvation prayer, can you believe that? And I believed he meant it but quickly realized it was fake.
So my whole point was to assure you that your guy is a jerky coward to all. Like that old saying ‘a tiger doesnt change his stripes’.
Fed up,
if you ask him that (even asking yourself that) would be to suggest to him you have some concerns that “you” were the reason and the cause of this behaviour. You are not the reson or the cause – the problem was not you, it was him. He did it cos he’s weak and spineless, and even if he has never ended things with other g/fs this way (which is very doubtful) does not alter the fact the *you* deserved better and *you* had an entitlement to expect better – what have his other ex’s got to do with that? Nothing.
Fed Up,
Do not! As you will show you care and give him a super-big ego boost.
Delete his number and go NC!!!!!
Fed Up, why is your online name FED UP? Trust yourself. I’ll trade you Runner for Fed Up. Same difference. We know we are fed up and must run. Thus our online names?
I had my ex and the partner of over 12 months take a restraining order out against me…feared I would be violent toward them and ruin his relationship and career as I responded by writing an abusive email to him to ridiculous spam emails and sites they were signing me up to. I hadn’t seen him in over 18 months and never met her…I was worried about seeing them both in court and agonised over it. Turns out she never came to court and I just felt nothing toward him when seeing him. I kind of felt empowered as I demonstrated a ‘I dont’ care what you are doing’ attitude. Could have made the restraining order for the rest of my life. I am glad now that I will never hear from him again.
Why do the jerks that break our hearts move on do fast and also Seem to end up with someone serious? Can someone please tell me.
I think that some guys like the excitement of something new…But that wears out and he will be on to the next..I personally think that these types are so insecure and need attention.It does not make it right or even fair,But rest assured he will do it again,and as for you,you will be over the mountain,and he will be at the foot of the hill!Keep strong…A mans Rejection is Gods Protection….
Brenda,
Very wise words!!!! 🙂
A decent person wouldn’t have a relationship with this kind of men. And if they do, they will finally see their true colors. They are incapable of making a woman happy. They will cheat, lie and take advantage because this is their true nature. So there’s no gain for the next woman.
If and only if “the jerks” have the amazing capacity to look within themselves, find answers and change for the next woman,( this very, very quickly because they move on in days/ weeks-which is unlikely to happen, we know how long this process is) there might be a possibility for them to have a good relationship. In this case, why should we care? They did not have a good relationship with US, that was the reason why they are no longer in OUR lives. We can’t control what will happen next in their life, but we can control what will happen in OUR lives.
@Fedup,
Maybe it would help to remember that they’re not really moving on in the “normal”, healthy sense. They’re merely grasping at any port in a storm, seeking immediate validation, and unfortunately, there are plenty of partners available to men like that.
It’s actually kind of sad when you think about it. We’re taking the longer, harder, higher road by working on ourselves and trying to process what happened to us, and we will hopefully come out the other side ready for a healthy relationship. These EUMs take the easy way out toward anyone who will accept them, but keep tripping over that same metaphorical log.
Fedup
They don’t move on “so fast” – they haven’t been in a place to move on from; certainly not the same place as you. They have just lifted their shit and landed it at someone else’s door, that’s all. As for them getting serious, well, it depends what you mean by “serious” – his version of “serious” is most likely not the same as yours (or ours); his kind of “serious” is not what you want! It’s seriously crap.
Hear hear Fearless!! Either that or gone back to someone who WILL put up with their bullshit. Glad it’s not us ladies 🙂
Always such a good thing to keep in mind. I’ve started NC again since the end of last month, and I’m being strong. I’m going to stay strong, especially as I’m doing NC in a way I never did before (he’s popped back like a boomerang but I’m ignoring him completely, which normally I’d have broken down right at this amount of days). I still do find myself quaking a little at the thought of ‘What if he finds someone else… and changes for them? Becomes the person I’ve always projected him to be (while in reality he has been an endless disappointment, conditioned to believe that he could do/say anything and I’d be there, maybe with a slap on the wrist but barely)’?
And you know what? Even if Hell freezes over and he shapeshifts into the prototype lover, complete with kindness, consideration and everything I’ve wanted…? So what? By that time I’ll be with someone who truly treats me with love and respect, treating them with love and respect.
‘Cause I’ve already started my journey. I’ve got one hell of a headstart on this EUM, who hasn’t got a jot of self awareness. Right now I’m freezing him out, taking one day at a time. He can throw the kitchen sink at me, but I am not going to be tempted. I’ve got his number on this, I know what he does. Slides in for a confirmation of my availability, pops out as soon as he’s Future Faked enough to butter me up. Pfft. Enough of this relationship insanity! I’m so cool, calm and collected I won’t even register his presence when he walks in. 🙂
Awesome!!!!Simply Awesome!
Great post and great comments from you strong womyn out there in electronica land. I too am in NC with a co worker. I do have to deal with him several times a week as part of my job. I feel like crap but hold my head high and keep strong. This semester has been an ordeal. I cannot talk about the situation with anyone at work and I have no support network in this community nor any functional family. I have tried the on-line dating thing but it has become abundantly clear that my core values are very different from the ski resort worshipers in this region. That and I cannot even force myself to be even remotely attracted to them. The at-work guy is very fit, attractive, intelligent and we did share many core values-except how to treat others of course. Wish there was a way to force myself to work hard but feel nothing for the next 9 years till I can retire and get outta here. However, two days ago, I celebrated a combination of my 51st birthday and 5 year breast cancer survival. I invited those colleagues I thought would be supportive (as I was literally recovering from the surgery when I interviewed for the job, I told no one here about it). 20 people showed up including AC’s immediate colleagues. AC was not invited. No way was he going to ruin MY day. The rest of us had a great time. Keep strong ladies!!
@miskwa,
Happy birthday and happy survival anniversary!
You certainly do have a support network. You have one right here at BR and it seems to me that the people who showed up for your celebration, even though they’re colleagues and you can’t discuss the ex with them, might be more there for you than you realize. It never hurts to reach out.
xoxo
Miskwa
“Happy birthday and happy survival anniversary!”
From me too. All the best.
I agree, it never hurts to reach out. if you want to do so, be smart in who you choose and the precise moment, but t’s worth a try. My best friend became that after I approached her (she was then just an occasional acquaintance I’d met a few years prior), when I was at the end of my tether regarding ANOTHER horrible love affair (which I am now thankfully, SO over, although if I had BR then it’d have been easier). I was in tears, desperate and my other friends were just getting tired of my melodrama.
This friend, once i’d spoken to her, became indispensable to me. Through that one fit of vulnerability and sadness, I got one thing that I would never ever trade that horrible experience for, a true friend who has my back and is wonderful in so many ways.
People can surprise you, and a support network, even if it’s one person, can be the difference between spending your days going round and round, or putting a brave face on and moving towards healing. You have everyone here too, people on BR have all been through each other’s experiences and that’s what makes coming here even more precious. 🙂
Fed Up
I don’t think they do move on. They just hit the reset button. My ex cheated on me and 9 months later married her ( for 5 of those months) he was still trying to get back with me. I dont think the serious A/C’s ever change they just find someone who they can pretend with for a while. Maybe she will tolerate his behaviour, may be he will try harder who knows. What i do know is that a leopard rarely changes it’s spots . As much as he hurt me i now look at it as ‘the next time he cheats it won’t be on me’
I was going thru a very difficult time as My ex just up and dissapeared.There were many red flags along the way,and he has shut me out before,but this time it was different.He has completely chosen to ignore me.
I cried,begged,pleaded,you name it I did it!!I dont look at myself like some poor pathetic woman,I see it as I had a right to know.When I didnt get the verbalness I wanted from him,I took his silence as closure.
I also am getting thru it by knowing it has nothing to do with me,or another woman,he is Sick….Mentally sick….It is easy to think back now to words and phrases he used that were so nasty and mean,and the next day he was jumping for joy to be near me..He would fly into rages if he could not find a Resteraunt,if he needed his alone time,if something did not go right at work etc…And VINDICTIVE…let me tell you….He has had only one LTR for 4 years,they broke up and he found a plane ticket for his ex and another man{keep in ind they had broken up}But it was soon after they ended it,well he saw it as she was cheating and he sent out 90 4 page letter to her family,his,where she worked,all freinds,on how she was cheating,I read it,it was awful…He is proud to have done this…I always questioned his mental state of Health,but Now I see it for what it is..a Mental disorder…I blamed myself for everything,and now I cant see how I put up with that,or for a minute thought I deserved it..All I am saying is look back and try to find the things that were ‘OFF’ about this person,and you will realize it was not about you!!!Do I miss him,yes,When he was good he was great,but when he was Bad he was down right Nasty..Today I did not cry,or beg or plead..And I feel empowered!!
Hi,
This sounds like typical behavior of a Narcissist. Maybe you can read some articles and gather strength for yourself. I feel your pain and really hope the best for you, and for you to be free and happy and draw a great and healthy love into your life in the future. Take care, this gets easier and we get smarter and stronger and happier.!
I have a guy from 16 years ago who still calls me from time to time. In the past, I’d indulge him and chat a while. Now I just say: “Can’t talk now.” Click.
But it took me a long, long time to get to that place.
Thanks, Nat for another post right on the money!
Great article NML!
I found myself in this situation last week. I broke things off with someone last summer and I knew that he was not happy about the decision and he still wanted to be friends, but I did not want to be. I preferred to be casual acquaintances. A year plus goes by and I bumped into him on the metro platform because I moved to an area closer to him.
It was not odd (for me at least). We sat in the same seat on the metro, caught up and it was like we were old friends. I was at first kinda like, “oh my god, it is (blank),” but everything was okay! We talked for about 45 minutes until I reached my stop. I know since we were not that serious and there was no emotional attachment, it made things easier. But just the fact I had not seen him in a long time made it easier to talk to him and he was a decent guy.
Just hit another sobering chapter in Natalie’s new edition of Mr. U and the FBG. When I’ve left the door ajar, it’s because as a FBG, I cannot accept the finality. I want to be the Good Girl. No matter how creepy and awful the situation was, I always wanted to be sparkley and loving cos one day he’ll realize how wonderful I am. Something was lost in translation. He thinks I’m a doormat and all services as usual. I’ve moved into finality. The door is shut and he won’t get as much as a pubic hair in now. I’ve got Plan A, B, C, and D firmly in place. Thank you Natalie. These guys are like cockroaches. I carry pepper spray when I hike. I’m going to start carrying RAID on a daily basis.
Natalie, I’ve said it so many times but I must say it again. The dance of the FBG and the EUM is truly incredible. As a classic FBG, I have played straight into his hands each and every time. The ex weather forecast suggests he’ll be fishing to see if the door is still ajar because it always has been. This time, he will be sprayed with RAID. The power of contact lies with me, not him. He won’t get a pubic hair in. I suppose I can’t preempt him and go to his house and spray him with RAID, right? God, I hate cockroaches. I can’t imagine how I ever gave this cockroach the time of day. What was I thinking?
Ladies, I need some help. Runner Girl, Fearless, someone listening please help!! This is a timely post by NML for me because lately I’ve been running into the ex- ass on big highways in my city of 1 million people. The first time I ran into him I didn’t think much of it, didn’t even think he saw me. The second time in a different location….I started to wonder what was happening, but still let it be. I haven’t come face to face with him, nor had eye contact but our cars are side by side and in a moment I confirm it’s him by checking his plate number etc. It’s all too weird to explain. Honestly, I kind of feel stupid writing this. I’ve also seen his number on license plates everywhere…but I DO Nothing. To the point that today I walked into the airport thinking hmmm what should I do about all these signs…and I saw a sign that said “ Just Do Nothing Catering”. Fine I thought as I chuckled to myself.
Then 2 hours later as I was merging left on the road ( now away from the airport). Wham both are cars together are driving side by side. I think he saw me this time…but ignored me. I was cool, confident and kind of chuckled. Many of my cosmic believing friends believe our paths have crossed many times so that I can clear the air. And though I have the courage to do so… I honestly don’t know WHY I would do it. What am I going to say? It’s 10 months of NC and if I was to go back I’d dismiss all the hard work I put in. And for what? For some signs that I could be mis- reading?
No I’m not over him, I think of him all the time. I think of what could have been if he would have changed…but I’m no fool..I know I’m missing the potential not the ass. Although the ass-clown and I communicated for only 25 times in the course of our 1 year whatevership I knew him for 10 years so yeah… it’s hard to let go. BUT I’ve worked so hard, and yeah I still care about him…but going back to say hey… I keep seeing you around seems silly right?
In the end if we were really meant to be together the universe would put us together and he would have changed. But that’s not the case. So I guess what I need is so encouragement to keep at the NC and if someone can just remind me what breaking NC would make him think. I know in my head what he’d think but I need to hear it again. And Natalie, I repeat your words in my head all the time “don’t roll back and devalidate your decision, own it…
Hi Anari
“Many of my cosmic believing friends believe our paths have crossed many times so that I can clear the air.” If you don’t mind, in my opinion, your friends are feeding your imagination just like Natalie says in this post. You’ve just passed him on the freeway a few times and he ignored you the last time. That’s all. Don’t go building cosmic sandcastles and get hijacked by your imagination. I pass tons of folks on the freeway every day, maybe even the ex. Is that the universe telling me something?
Regarding breaking 10 hard earned months of NC to clear the air: NOOOOO! You’ve read Natalie’s post on “The Futility of Pursuing the Last Word” and all the comments, right? Clearing the air or having the last word simply doesn’t work. As Nat says: “The ‘last word’ doesn’t truly exist unless after you say whatever you have to say, they keel over and die.” “The last word is action”. Keep your door closed. You can’t clear the air with an AC. They aren’t equipped with the cognitive ability and emotional maturity to hear you. You’ve been NC for 10 months for a reason and you recognize that he isn’t going to spontaneously now combust into a decent guy that will treat you with love, trust, and respect. So what air would you clear? And, yes, your opening line about seeing him around (the freeway) would be silly. As the wonderful folks on this website (and Natalie) has pointed out to me 100 plus times, when we break NC, it is an ego boost for them and he can get a shag all the better for him. “If you know what someone is, you don’t need to convince them of it to convince you of it – trust your own judgement and validate you.” You know what he is. Trust yourself. Nat’s very wise words so apply in this situation: “Let it be or you will keep going around in circles, remembering this thing you should have said or that thing you should have done. Let your actions be your last word because ultimately, that’s what speaks volumes.” Keep your pedal to the metal and turn off your phone.
Hi again Anari,
I re-read my response to you and I realized I need to heed my own advice. Your situation helped me to gain further insight into my continuing struggle as a recovering FBG. It’s a daily uphill recovery. Thus, I don’t mean to sound harsh or holier than thou. I’m right with you. I also want to add that despite the final break 10 months ago, I had to put my hand back into the fire in July and got burned badly, AGAIN. The thing I did see in July, I had changed a little bit and had shored up my shattered self-esteem (thanks to BR) enough to know I could never, ever, ever, go back to the darkness of being the OW. He hadn’t changed one drop and was more than ready to hit the reset button if his wife hadn’t put a tail on him and caught him dead out. Thank god. (I wish I could split the cost of the tail with her!) After 10 months of NC, I’m betting dimes to donuts, you can’t go back now either, right? Sometimes there’s no going home.
Hi Anari,
The fact that you keep running into your ex on the highway is due to coincidence ONLY. Your schedules are such that you two are simply traveling in the same direction. The fact that seeing him makes you nervous, and that you are still weak and are worried that if you actually had physical contact with him you might go back to him, means that you definitely need to continue to maintain no contact.
When driving on the road, put a very calming CD in the CD player and listen to it to calm you down when you see him or his license plate. Follow Natalie’s advice about visualizing yourself as calm, cool, and confident when and *if* you do run into him in person. When you find yourself thinking about him—which you say is often–think about all of the shitty things he did, and all of his faults. Everything that you find repulsive about him, focus on those things. Another relationship coach recommended this strategy (he says that it helped him to stop thinking about his ex): First, visualize a place, event, or experience that made you very happy. Next, put a rubber band around your wrist and wear it daily. When ever you find yourself longing for you ex and thinking about what could have been, pull the rubber band as hard as you can. Then redirect your thoughts to the experience or event that made you happy. The idea is to retrain your brain to associate thoughts of you ex with physical pain, and then replace those thoughts with things that you did, apart from your ex, that made you feel good about yourself.
P.S. Do not use the above technique while you’re driving though.LOL!
Hope these suggestions are helpful!
Anari,
If he was genuinely and sincerely interested you would know all about it. You don’t. Your passing him on the road. The operative word being “passing”. How much time do you think he’s spending analysing “signs” that you were meant to be together? The only sign that means anything would be his consistent presence (combined with his care, trust and respect); what you are getting is his consistent absence (combined with absence of care trust and respect). “Not there”. Now, there’s a sign worth taking note of.
My other ex AC dumped me by text, coz he “wanted to be single”. Months late he contacts me asking if I’m still single. And apologizing and asking for me back. He asked up meet me, but never did. Coz he “is too busy”. Well so am I. Then he told me that I’m the nutjob! How cruel are these people? How crazy is that? Then I look on Facebook and he’s already seeing someone else. So much for “being single “.
Fedup,
“My other ex AC dumped me by text, coz he “wanted to be single”. Months late he contacts me asking if I’m still single. And apologizing and asking for me back. He asked up meet me, but never did. Coz he “is too busy”. Well so am I. Then he told me that I’m the nutjob! How cruel are these people? How crazy is that? Then I look on Facebook and he’s already seeing someone else. So much for “being single “.”
NEVER LET SOMEONE’S INSANITY BECOME YOUR REALITY.
“NEVER LET SOMEONE’S INSANITY BECOME YOUR REALITY.”
I love that Gina. It’s a very accurate description of what the AC experience can be like!
Ditto!
Fedup-
My ex dumped me via phone (mind you, it wasn’t like he wasn’t going to see me bc we are in the same crew, moron), saying he “wanted to be single”..of course that was a lie bc he loved on fast. People are ridiculous, how about you do it to my face like I deserve, and use some honesty! Geesh…some men have no balls.
ACs and EUMs are never single by choice. They’re too weak to be single, they would accept anything- a girl they like, a girl they don’t really like, a FB girl, an ex, someone else’s girl/wife, but they can’t be with their tiny souls because they feel awful with themselves.
“I want to be single” for EUMs is “I have already started seeing somebody else”.
“ACs and EUMs are never single by choice. They’re too weak to be single, they would accept anything- a girl they like, a girl they don’t really like, a FB girl, an ex, someone else’s girl/wife, but they can’t be with their tiny souls because they feel awful with themselves”.
Mirelle, this is *so* true! My last ex was already lining up his previous (FBG) ex-gf by writing to her and buttering her up for 3 months before he actually broke up with me.
Radio I believe this is what they all do. When I think back on it, I now know there were many times I was the filler for someone and didnt even realize it. That is the difference right there between them and us. There is not one single man I dated, even the nice ones, that I would want to use as a filler. It’s worthless to me to be with someone that I know isnt going anywhere (even if I’m the only thinking we’re progressing).
Mirelle- i could not agree more with what you said. My ex even admits that he hates to be alone, so I really think he will latch on to anyone. He left is long time gf for me…but he had wanted to dump her for a few months, and didn’t til I came along…hmm what a darn coincidence haha! I now see him has weak and having poor self esteem. He is a serial dater, and has not been single for more than a total of a few months in the last few years. Someday he might just learn the hard way (I can only hope!) that we all need to be able to stand on our OWN 2 feet.
When I left my ex-husband, he had a DATE the very next day- a Thursday night, mind you! That told me that either he works very quick, or he finally had no reason to hide his latest affair.
A normal person would have, umm, I don’t know, been UPSET that their spouse walked out on them???
Thanks Runner Girl and Gina! The support on this blog is so touching. You’re right- and I know it too, breaking 10 months of no contact is ridiculous. My heart strings tugged a little because someone had said that I hurt him. But I have to come to the realization that anything I may have done that caused hurt was never intentional and it would have been an isolated incident. He however hurt consistently and enuff is enuff. It took great courage to walk away and even that I don’t really think he believed that I was serious. So yes, going back and analyzing a few chance happenings is ridiculous. I’ve worked hard for my 10 months, and even though I’m still ruminating…I’m not chasing and I’m still a hell a lot in a better position than I was in 10 months ago when my health took a set back because of him. NO way am I breaking NC. Thanks for your help during a weak moment- and a quick set up into fantasizing that I may become the exception to the rule.
Hi Anari,
“Thanks Runner Girl and Gina! The support on this blog is so touching. You’re right- and I know it too, breaking 10 months of no contact is ridiculous. My heart strings tugged a little because someone had said that I hurt him. ”
You are most welcome!! Ten months of NC is awesome, girl!!! Good for you! I can tell that you are a very caring person because after the awful manner in which this guy behaved towards you, you feel bad because “someone said” that you hurt him. That guy doesn’t deserve you!! Redirect those loving feelings inward. Focus on being good to yourself and looking after yourself. Become the man that you want to marry. In other words, treat yourself the way in which you imagine a good man who loved, cherished, and adored you would treat you. Trust me when I say that it does wonders for your self esteem!
All the best to you!
Hi Anari,
Good for you for getting on with your wonderful life. It is remarkable that the AC/EUM’s can consistently hurt us (although my ex never intended to, RIGHT!) and if we think we’ve hurt them, it sends us into a tailspin. I’m glad your feet are back on the ground and out of the cosmic clouds. It’s easy to go there. I’m still ruminating a bit too over the guy I imagined he was but I’m done and def not chasing a feeling or fantasy. It’s amazing how deeply the Cinderella story affects us.
Anari: I had to kick several toxic people out of my life (starting with my mother who, unfortunately, was very abusive and sadistic – the classic malignant narcissist). Every single one of them either told me or had third parties tell me how “hurt” they were by my behavior.
It means nothing. It’s just part of their behavior. Bad people remain bad people no matter how much they claim to be “hurt”.
Good luck and stay strong!
This post was EXACTLY what I needed. I read each and every comment here 🙂 I am not NC with my awful ex, pretty much impossible since he lives with our friends, I see him all the time bc of so many mutual friends. Having to be in contact is so hard, and no one I know fully gets what it is like. I have to see him, not understand why we broke up (he jus said he wanted to be single, mind you 2 months later, he is with someone else), I am stuck hanging with his gf too…..OUCH. I def had my moments where I would freak having to see him (yet, I never cried or freaked in front of him), then I had to muster up the strength to hang with his new gf and him….I still find it hard, my heart races when I am around him, but I try to play the “cool, calm, and collected” game. I really dont even speak to him anymore when we somewhere together (too much anger, hurt, emotion, involved…however he seems to think the “reset” button was hit and all is ok…NOT!) As much as I wanna tell him off and how hurt I am, or tell his gf he is scum…I dont. I just take a deep breath, regroup if I feel uneasy, and keep on trudging forward. Sadly, this ex (and “new” gf, will be in my life for the indefinite future. Ugh. NC is a blessing!!! 🙂
Wow, How awful. Sounds like you Really Need to Make New Friends! A new group of your own, or even just one new friend you can do things with to start. Get away from the …’current group of friends’ as you wont get to far with him in every scene will you? Try something new, Meet-Up.com, a singles group, a church group of ladies who quilt… I would branch-out, spread my wings, try new pubs/karaoke parties…. and in this new environment with fresh and new men and women you will have the chance for a Better Love to come into your life!! Take care & best wishes
Angelface- Luckily I have lots of other friends, but this is my main crew. They were even my friends longer than he has known them. Grr. I just have to keeping toughing it out, it has gotten better. Def sucks though. Lesson learned though- not dating in the friend circle again!
Shortee I don’t know how you can stand it. Even for mutual friends. Sounds very painful.
Fedup- Indeed it is, sadly these were my friends much longer than he has known them. He has shown no sensitivity to me at all, I have no idea why he left me, etc. He has had sex with other girls while I was at the same party as him, lied, tells me how great his gf is, etc. I don’t understand his mindset, and how he does not think this all kills me inside. I didn’t do a thing wrong to deserve this. It has been 6 months and I am still working my way thru the hurt. But I just have to tough it out, I don’t want to miss birthdays, weddings, anniversary parties, with my close friends…all bc of him. I just wish my exAC knew how much strength I have to do all this, but of course the selfish jerk doesn’t, hence why I do my best to not let him see my squirm. This was just a great thread for me to read! Consider yourself blessed anyone if you have never had to see the ex haha!!
Ladies (and gentleman),
I was just thinking and visualizing that I am with my new and wonderful boyf when I run into the ex EUM. Not to make him jealous (he wasn’t the jealous type anyway), but to show that I’ve moved on (he’s broken NC a couple of times via email to try and find out what I’ve been up to since the breakup) and my life continues to get better without him in it.
Ideally, the ultimate goal is to get to the point where I feel indifferent and could care less if I bump into him or not.
If Nat will permit, I’d like to share this wonderful YouTube clip with everyone. It features Tyler Perry, playing his alter ego, “Madea,” gives relationship advice. It’s both funny and VERY inspiring.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLud-cveDkg&feature=related
I just watched this – completely brilliant!!
“I didn’t see it coming!”
“Don’t sit there and tell that lie!!”
True!!
Agreed – genius advice! Madea hit the nail on the head for all Fallback Girls when she said, “If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them go!” Something tells me she sure as hell wouldn’t approve of the dudes that want to walk out and walk back in whenever it suits 😉 Tyler Perry is one talented and wise man.
Ohmygod, you just made my day. I love Madea – especially the movie where she goes to jail haha! There’s also the one where she explains how to leave an abusive man and it involves a frying pan. LOVE HER!
Hi Natasha,
Glad you liked the Madea clip! Listening to her advice–particularly the part about asking the same questions over and over to see if you get the right answer–was what enabled me to find out the truth about my EUM. You see, his actions showed that he cared deeply for me, but his heart was not in harmony with how he was behaving. Talk about a mind fu*k!!! It took two ex boyfriends, an ex husband, and my friend who is a marriage and family therapist to help me get my mind around it. He was so good, he could put DeNiro’s, Pacinio’s and Nicholson’s academy award winning performances to shame.
P.S. I am thinking about adopting a little dog too.
Hi Nat,
great post, will have that problem in half a years time. Unfortunately we own a flat together. He has postponed all decisions for when he gets back into country in half a year. All contact stopped, am panicking of what to expect of him in half a years time.
Meg
after 3 months of no contact. My ex text me happy birthday a day early. My friends are now saying it would be rude not to reply and that it shows Im bitter. Yes I am still angry but at the same time I don’t want this person in my life, or to think he can begin a dialogue.
Additionally, I find it a cowardly way to begin a dialogue with someone. As its my birthday he cant really be seen as putting himself out there.
I am finding it hard to stay calm, cool and confident.
Am I doing the right thing ignoring the text. Help please?
Jane,
Ignore! Don’t listen to your friends! They’re wrong!
Allison
Ditto
Plenty of women give crap relationship advice. We’re too good at seeing the best in people. We need to be able to see the worst too!
Jane, there are worse things in life than something ELSE thinking you are rude and bitter.
Like throwing your self-respect down the drain.
Who the eff cares if you come off as rude or bitter? Really?
So what? You can’t control what people think of you but you CAN control whether you respond.
What other people think is not your business or your problem.
YOU know what is right for you and to heck with what anyone else thinks.
I literally ran into him again today. I was filling gas, he was filling gas I walked right into him and BANG I started talking he started talking we cleared the air…he moved his car, I followed him to a coffee shop stating I wasn’t done yet…we talked we cleared the air…he said he had to go… I said I wasn’t settled yet… he said he’d meet up with me later and we’d chat.
AND I GOT STOOD UP. SURPRISE SURPRISE. BUT THE WORSE PART IS THAT I DIDN’T STICK TO ANYTHING THAT BR HAS TAUGHT ME. NOTHING I’VE READ NOTHING I’VE READ HAS STUCK. I MADE A TOTAL ASS OF MYSELF STATING I WANTED HIM BACK AND SHIT LIKE THAT. I MADE AN ASS OF MY SELF. A COMPLETE ASS. And he stood me up.
Tears.
Anari- dont be overly hard on yourself! Sometimes at times like this (run ins with the ex)….our emotional side/heart gets the best of us. I get mad at myself looking back- as it took me months and him having a new gf to cut the crap. I had ex sex, I talked to him like I didnt think he was a piece of garbage, I had “clear the air” talks thinking it meant something good…..but no…all a big FAIL Now I see him, and I have learned. I say NOTHING! I have a lot to say, and a lot I dont understand…but I have learned the hard way that it is pointless, and I feel like an ass after.
I was just reading this post again and I really think this is good, straightforward advice:
“I find the ‘And…move…’ trick very useful.”
We did end up meeting afterall and he blamed everythign on me I accepted the blame until I left the car and texted like mad. I’m not impressed with my behaviour. But i want him gone.
HI, this was a great post Natalie. The MM I have been involved with off and on for about 6 years has a habit when we are off (my choice after I wake up) to approach me socially and start talking to me-especially when he has been drinking. I stand there like a deer in headlights. I have tried everything over the years but know the best I can do is leave, not just walk away, but leave. Yes it sucks for me and must explain to those I am with, because then he has power over what I do. But it beats the embarrassment he causes. He gets very vindictive if I don’t talk to him and has shown at my home uninvited. Somehow time passes and I find myself forgetting those moments when I am lonely. I could write a list of things he has done to embarrass and control me so that when I read it, or anyone for that matter, reads it- they would think I am crazy for ever talking to him again. Sometimes the only solution is for me to leave this little town when the opportunity is right.