Of all the subjects I’ve written about, Future Faking, which is when someone gives you the impression of a future so that they can get what they want in the present, has struck a major chord with readers. It’s not just because many of us walk around with a misguided belief that people, especially men, don’t talk about a future unless they have serious intentions; it’s also because when the future doesn’t materialise and we come crashing back to earth, it’s incredibly painful and often difficult to work out what was real and what was fake.
After you realise that someone has been faking a future with you, it actually reeks of The Emperor’s New Clothes, a tale by Hans Christian Anderson about two con artist weavers who in exchange for gold thread, silk and a loom, promise to sew some new clothes for a very vain emperor. There aren’t actually any clothes, but they pitch that only people who are incompetent and stupid will be unable to see them. Of course his subjects can’t see them and realise that something is up, but because they don’t want to be seen as incompetent and stupid and ultimately fear losing their jobs, they admire the imaginary clothes.
Of course the emperor can’t see them either, but continues to brazen it out because he doesn’t want to admit stupidity or incompetence either, so he goes ahead with the procession through the kingdom where all of the onlookers act like they can see the clothes. Then a child with nothing to lose, calls it as he sees it and declares that the emperor has no clothes on, and then everyone starts to agree with him. The emperor, still unwilling to admit that he is wrong, continued on with the procession stark naked.
Even though you may struggle to admit it, there were likely code amber and red indications that all was not well. The first indication actually is that it should seem odd for someone to come at you so intensely and spin a future when you haven’t had the time, experience, knowledge, intimacy etc to not only trust in what they’re talking about, but to actually want that future. Often Future Fakers pitch themselves in such a way, that it’s like there’s something wrong with you if you don’t believe in them even when there’s nothing to show.
What I know from reading countless stories and my own experiences, is that there is a point when you recognise that this so-called future is not materialising and neither is the great character and values that you’ve been trumpeting about them.
You don’t want to seem ‘incompetent’ and ‘stupid’, because you’re likely already thinking that you ‘should’ have seen the signs, are berating yourself for making a mistake or are even calling yourself a ‘failure’, and dreading having to start over. You don’t want to lose the relationship or the potential of one, so you keep acting like you can see the future, characteristics and values, which is effectively pumping them up.
Oddly, you give yourself a harder time for believing or even Betting On Potential, than you give them for basically bending over and talking out of their bum so that they can ‘gain’ from you.
At some point, maybe even very quickly, your ‘emperor’ can’t see any of these things they’re promising either (although they may be deluded enough to believe that they intended to) and after overestimating what their capacity was for a relationship or exaggerating themselves, or even outright fabricating a future and a personality, they don’t want to look like a numpty either. So…they’ll keep going along with the charade, except for that because the future is catching up with them, they then have to either disappear, behave in a shady way to get you to end it, step up the lies, or behave in a shady way to blame the lack of future on some ‘failing’ on your part.
If you’ve found yourself being ‘spat out’ of a future by someone who everyone seems to think the sun shines out of their arse, it can be infuriating and even pure mind effery to think that you know the truth while others appear not to. But what I’ve noticed about the ‘emperors’ of this world, is that they’re often surrounded by people who are just like how you were – having inklings that they’re not as nice / amazing / kind or whatever, but not wanting to look ‘stupid’ or ‘incompetent’ for being involved with them.
You’ll also find that there’s often a sheep mentality at work – someone says something and because some other people parrot it or they appear to have social proof because they seem ‘oh so popular’, people who see how things really are don’t want to rock the boat. Of course, when someone does eventually speak up, it’s amazing how suddenly others have something to say too.
It’s easy to convince yourself when you’re feeling rejected that someone’s character is very specific to you. When you don’t make it so personal that you internalise it and change how you feel about you, you have enough perspective to see that they’re often not as adored as you think they are and that you’re not alone.
And sometimes it’s not even that one person in the crowd that calls it as they see it; sometimes it’s something that they do that’s so frickin’ shady that it jolts you into reality and turns you right off them.
What’s important to remember is that when you meet someone and get to know them, you’ve both got to show up with character goods and create the actions that yield a relationship, that you can then build from and make plans for the future for. You shouldn’t be so keen to have a future with someone that you hardly know – let the present build into something solid.
Don’t let your ego and fear of how things might ‘look’ – which is really judgements that you’re making about yourself – get in the way of seeing and acting upon how things really are. The funny thing is that when when you strip away the excuses, the assumptions, denial, rationalising, betting on potential and basically all illusions, your ‘emperor’ is in the buff and just not that special. Talk is cheap but action is where your relationship is at.
Your thoughts?
About the Author:
Natalie Lue is the founder and writer of Baggage Reclaim and author of the books Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl, The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship and more. Learn more about her here and you can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter - @baggagereclaim .
Natalie (NML) – who has written 1081 posts on Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue.
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Aaah….future faking. This was a real turning point in my relationship with my AC, back in February. He was off for two weeks in Florida visiting his mother. The first week it was just him and his son, and the second week his gf was coming down (which he said he was dreading, blah blah). So the first week was awesome, he called me first thing in the morning, all day long, last thing at night. It was great, and completely out of the norm as he LIVES with his gf and normally wouldn’t take the risk.
By the end of the week I am feeling so connected to him (amazing what having real conversations can do) and he starts talking about having a family. Wants to marry me, and hasn’t ever felt that way about anyone before. Wants a daughter with me. Wants a future and is going to take steps to move forward quickly, wants it to happen. He also told me that he told his mother and brother about me. Meanwhile, I start feeling this weird sense of panic about the true reality of moving forward with him. I of course stifled it because I was enjoying the fantasy and the connectivity.
His gf comes, and he still calls me at least 2 times a day, things seem good. We make plans to get together the day after he gets home. We live two hours away from each other so I drive up for the day.
He.is.miserable. Depressed (he also suffers from bipolar, which he refuses to take meds for, instead he smokes weed), and made me so uncomfortable I wanted to get up and leave. I’m thinking, wtf, here we have the opportunity to make plans and explore the feelings of intimacy we just experienced…and he’s such a self centered brat that reality is staring him in the face now that he is home. He can’t handle it. Ugh.
After that, he never ever mentioned any of the things we talked about in fl. It was as if it had never happened. A few times I tried to call him on it, because he was writing checks he never intended to cash. He put me off with how busy he was, I needed to be patient, he was taking baby steps to move out on on with our relationship (baby steps?!?)
Interestingly enough, the last time I “broke up” with him, he brought up the fact that he knew it bothered me he never talked about what he said to me. And started to say that he really meant it and wanted those things and knew it was important to me, but I was so disgusted I told him I was over it and didn’t want to revisit. He…
I can very much relate to wanting the fantasy & “connection” so you stifle the actual sensible thoughts that arise. I have been in a non-relationship with an EUM for over a year that has brought me incredible anxiety, yet I lived for the moments of fantasy, future faking & “connection”. I know I must be EUM as well, but in this case, I’m the one who seems to want him more, even though I realistically have told myself time & again that we aren’t even a good match. We have shared interests & some shared values and I have learned a lot from him, but not enough to sustain the kind of relationship I want, yet I chose to stick w/ him & the fantasy. I told myself a commitment from him made no sense, as we wouldn’t make it as a serious couple, yet I wanted him to at least want to commit & be serious about me. When the relationship didn’t progress, didn’t have emotional intimacy and he showed little effort -I’d be upset, albeit I KNEW it made no sense for him to invest in me in that way. Yet I still wanted him to. When he spoke of the future or shared w/ me emotionally I lived on that high & replayed it for days/weeks, feeling so good….then I would crash back to reality realizing, I wasn’t his real girlfriend, we had no real plans, we don’t do anything real couples do, except talk and have sex smh.
I don’t want to beat myself up although I “should know better”. The patterns I’ve learned in attracting EUMs have been deeply entrenched so it will take a while for me to unlearn them. I’ve come a far way in even admitting what the problem is & being able to reflect on & analyze my situation. I feel ridiculous on one hand because “I KNEW” and still fell for him, still wanted his validation etc. I am on an up and down rollercoaster of being frustrated & tired of this non-relationship & wanting to throw it away so I can make room for something better, yet still attached to it, still scared to let go, still sickened at the thought of him finding another woman, actually loving her, commiting to her. I know realistically it has nothing to do w/ me & I also know I have a choice too and truthfully I don’t choose him either, yet why do I make him choosing me so important and necessary? I suppose knowing it intellectually and actually believing it deep down where it changes your behavior are different.
Wow, MissE, sounds like you and me have had the same relationship going on with the same guy…this is scary to think that there are so many of us in situations so much alike. I am trying to be NC with the guy I was seeing, not being successful at it yet, but its like waking from a fantasy, I wanted to believe in the fairy tale even though reality was pounding at my door. I still want that fantasy even though I know it isn’t real. Its been a couple of days this time. I’ve tried walking away before, only to let him reel me back in with more stories and just enough effort to get me hooked and landed, but no real substance behind it all. I find myself looking under the act, to the scared little boy on the inside, and want to protect him from the big bad world…and all along he’s taking me for a ride and I let him.
Dove, yes you said it perfectly. The knowing that the fantasy isn’t real, but still wanting it. Allowing them to not do so much and then when they show 3% of effort, we act like they moved a mountain *rolleyes*. I intellectually know I am worth more, but have to admit to myself that I don’t actually BELIEVE it deep down….or else I wouldn’t allow this at all. It reminds me of Natalie’s article a while back on women who talk too much…i.e. we talk and talk to these guys, our friends, ourselves about what we want and deserve, but our actions show the complete opposite.
I do know though that the fact that we’re here means we’re aware and we do want change, so it may not come over night, but eventually we will get to a place where we genuinely believe and act like it
I just had to come back and re- read this, last night the guy texted me…classic move; almost made three weeks this time before his first attempt, to see if there was anything. I also read the time of day post, and that is right on with what he texted, he was just testing the water, chancing his arm to see where I stood and if there was still something. Regrettably, I did reply to his question on if I wanted to get together, I asked if he was asking me for a date…his reply, not a yes or a no, but ‘something like that’…amazing. Logic tells me he is a two-timing four flusher for sure…but I still do miss the fantasy.
I’ve recalled the myth of Ariadne and Theseus recently, the one where she gives him a thread which helps him find his way out of the labyrinth after slaughtering the Minotaur. He promises to take her to Athens and wed her. Do you know how the myth ends? He abandons her asleep on an island.
Myths have something very universal about them, don’t they?
Miss E and Dove,
I’ve been in that same relationship too for the past year. He came on strong and sucked me in. He was going to rescue me from the abusive relationship I was getting out of. He talked about all the stuff we were going to do together. He wanted to take me on vacations, he talked about having children, he talked about how he was tired of being alone and watching life pass him by. This was all while I was going through a divorce. Once I was free and available to finally partake in the dreamy life he blathered on about, he started the slow fade. The daily communication started to slow up dramatically, the talk about doing anything real besides our evening stay at home dates dwindled. He was in the process of moving out of his house and went through a transition where he had to stay at a “friends” house for about 7 weeks. Funny how I never was clued in to who these friends were. When I finally started to push for details, it became even more strained between us. After he moved out of his house, he became completely unavailable. It was obvious, he was living with another woman. I confronted him and got the typical “you know how much I cherish the time we spend together…you know how important you are to me…I just think that dating at work is a “recipe for disaster”"
Yep, he actually said that. Dating at work is a no-no but apparently having sex with co-workers is perfectly fine. I came to find out through another work friend that he’d had a girlfriend for almost the entire year we were involved. At one point he did get in touch with me and was crying about how devastated and miserable he was over his screwed up life. He said he and his GF had broken up and how he had been torn between us and he mistakenly chose her and he wanted another chance with me. I said that it was obvious that we weren’t a good match. We swore we would always be friends no matter what but after that happened, over the course of the next several weeks our communication dwindled more and more until now it’s pretty much NADA. I think they have been having ups and downs but are still together, and I think he comes looking for me when they are going through downs. Lucky me. The last time we saw each other was 3 weeks ago when he asked if he could come by my house after work. He can’t ever take me out in public and he can’t invite me over to…
Dear Natalie,
Speaking of future-faking and fast-forwarding, I often read in some of your articles that some people “over-estimate their own interest” at the beginning of a relationship. Is it really possible in grown-up people? I think I used to do that sometimes, but when I was a teenager. I though I fancied a guy, I was moving fast on him or let my immagination go into overdrive, but in a few days or weeks I was loosing interest for one (silly) reason or another. Now, as an adult, generally I have clear ideas, but I have discovered people who act like my own self. Nat, can you please write about this “phenomenon” a bit more someday?
Hi – newbie here to the site. I’ve found the discussions here very helpful and supportive over the last few months since my breakup. Especially on the subject of the EUM. I think I read here somewhere that the Emotionally Unavailable Man sits somewhere between the Bad Boy and Mr.Nice Guy and is one of the most dangerous men you’ll meet because of the potential he shows.
Yes, the ‘future talking’ was a big element in my getting totally emotionally invested in him way too soon, plus he’d “never felt this way before”. I still have no reason to doubt his sincerity from his point of view and actually, commitment was not the issue. If anything, he pushed the commitment agenda.
However. I do know that my self-esteem suffered from the mixed messages received from inside this ‘committed’ relationship. The hot and cold, ignoring messages, playing the nasty/nice game until he finally sabotaged it and then blamed it on me. He even said “If you want more than I can give you, then you need to find someone who can give it”. Honesty, at last, straight from the horse’s mouth! And a kind of admission that my expectations would never have been met, expectations that I now realise are normal and reasonable, now that I have some distance from him and his ability to manage those expectations.
After a confusing time following the breakup, I instigated the 60-day No Contact Rule which he has respected. This is coming to an end but I’m still only just beginning to really focus on me and build up self-esteem again. In truth, I’m still in love with the great, good guy in him who showed up on many occasions. I don’t know how long it will take to truly let him go and ‘un-invest’ my heart. I may see him at an event I’m committed to in a few weeks. I still feel a bit vulnerable. Any advice?
i found this website and article after trying to figure out what happened to me just this past week. Apparently there was this guy who had a crush on me at work for a couple of months but because of his position at work, he never said anything. a couple of months later when i found out he had a crush on me, some coworkers planned a lunch for all to go and him and I to get to know each other. Honestly I had seen him around before but never really thought much of him. Anyways, he seemed like a nice guy so a week later we were able to finally exchange numbers and that same night that we exchanged numbers he took me on a date. It went so well that we hung out all weekend long although sex was never involved. I made it pretty clear that i was pretty conservative when it came to sex. he said he would wait as long as i wanted even if it meant marriage. it took me a little by surprise that he would say “marriage” in the first couple days together but i didnt think much about it. After that we spent EVERYDAY together. By the second week of dating he made me his official girlfriend and even changed his status on facebook so everyone could see. Since i don’t have facebook he talked about a joint account and i put my foot down and said no. the entire time he kept talking about “us” and “we” and our future. he asked me when i wanted to get married and he asked if waiting 2 years was ok because he had to take care of some things in his life. he said that he wasnt planning on getting a girlfriend for a while because he wanted to work on himself but then he met me and he couldnt help himself and now he wanted to do all he could to make us work and his goal was to make me happy and be good to me. He would even tell his friends that i was the only girl that has ever made him want to be a better man and he would even tell me that he wanted to change and he needed help from me because he wanted to do it for us. This whole time i had my reservations as he said all these things to me. I kept my guard up and told my friends and most of them were concerned how fast he was moving. He was also very controlling and wanted me to be with him all the time. If i wanted to spend time with my family or friends, he would get upset and say ” but i’m your boyfriend, we’re suppose to spend time together. we’re a team”. He left for a business trip for a couple of days and it gave me…