I’ve witnessed a lot of tensions and conflicts between people due to the expectation that they should have got an immediate or fairly swift reply to text messages. When a person perceives a reply to be ‘slow’, it can trigger a spiral of anxiety where they wonder what they did wrong or start berating themselves for not being “good enough”, or they deem the person to be a bad friend or inconsiderate person.
Do we have the right to expect an immediate or swift reply to our texts?
I’ll hold my hands up and say that I’m not always Mrs Speedy with the ‘ole replies but most people I know aren’t. If I happen to be beside my phone and it’s straightforward, I’ll likely reply but if there’s a question in it or I know it’s going to potentially descend into text tennis, I tend to think, I’ll respond in a bit, and then get distracted. Nia messed with my phone recently and I didn’t see that my mother had tried to call three times. She called the following day to say that she was worried that I’d been murdered… Clearly not!
Is it worth whipping ourselves up into a frenzy of anxiety about all of the potential things that are wrong with us or that person, that may be influencing the speed of their reply?
It’s tricky to have hard and fast rules about when we think that others should reply. We can only speak for what we will do and even then, we have to be careful of imposing our way of doing things on others in an, Well, if it were me… fashion. When we examine the basis of our expectations and even what our motivations are for doing or expecting certain things, some of the things we’re doing have a people-pleasing, IOU generator vibe to them. It’s not so much what we do but why we do it. If we make a habit of being an eager beaver replier because not only do we perceive it to be a form of appealing behaviour that reflects a ‘good’ person but also because in doing so, we hope to create a tipping point and have them reciprocate to the same degree, we then have to admit that we expect the immediate or certainly very swift reply because we need the validation (we think it means something about us) and we are also trying to influence people’s feelings and behaviour. This quickly leads to resentment.
Texts are instant but there’s also the perception that replying is ‘fast’ hence we can fall into the trap of thinking, How frickin hard can it be to take a second to send text? Of course it’s not just texts that we’re dealing with – we’ve all gone from phone, snail mail and face-to-face, to so many ways to be reached. We can even feel injured after checking up on a person’s online activity and seeing that they pinned or liked something X amount of minutes after we texted and yet we still haven’t got a reply. When we have a habit of expecting swift replies, we are operating on the assumption that we’re their only reply, or their priority reply, and/or that they have the same time on their hands as we do and/or that they understand how vitally important their reply is to our sense of self. If we’re chained to our phone, we may assume that they are too.
Each relationship is different and has its own communication rhythm. When we have an existing relationship and it’s mutual, it’s easier to not only have a sense of that rhythm but to also not feel away or jump to negative conclusions if a swift or immediate reply doesn’t happen. We won’t be keeping score nor will we feel away if we pick up the phone or message first despite having done it the last time. In fact, we might not expect the fast reply at all.
When a relationship isn’t mutual or there’s underlying tension that isn’t being expressed and dealt with, it’s easy to read not only into the speed of reply but even the content of it, and we should use these types of responses as a cue to be more conscious, aware, and present. What is going on within us that we are not acknowledging and/or what are we pretending not to already know about this person/relationship?
Mutual relationship or not, how we respond to a less than speedy response in terms of our own internal dialogue and anxiety, provides some insight into where we may need to work on being more personally secure. This isn’t so that we can accept dubious carry-on from someone within a lopsided situation, but more so that we can distinguish between us and another person and not have our self-esteem conditionally based on texts. If someone is engaging in lazy communication with us, we have a choice in deciding whether to continue engaging. Their texts (or lack of them) don’t reflect our worth.
If the gap between pressing send and receiving a reply is triggering anxiety, halt. It’s time to ask yourself: What is really going on here? Remember, it’s just a text. Anxiety tells you that you’re predicting negative outcomes or wanting to be in control of the uncontrollable.
Sometimes a text really matters because we’re lonely – it’s when we feel emotionally adrift from what we regard as key people in our life. A text can, in that moment, help us to feel less alone, less whatever it is that we’ve been telling ourselves that day. The danger is of course that while sometimes a text at the right moment or with a heartfelt sentiment can bring a smile to our face because we know that someone is thinking of us, the danger is that if we are reliant on texts because they are less ‘risky’ than putting ourselves out there and we are in fact using texts as our form of ‘emotional connection’, it will exacerbate any loneliness we already feel by increasing that emotional distance. We’ll find ourselves increasingly reliant on texting and will use it as a measure of our worth. We may even find ourselves accepting (and inflating) crumbs from certain people and over-responding, or even slipping into a fantasy relationship because these texts are providing a distraction from other aspects of our life that we’re avoiding.
When we don’t know a person yet and would like to, we can feel that we’re risking ourselves and may even have built them up in our minds and then can feel anxious and even rejected when we’re ‘left hanging’. We might analyse the length if they eventually reply, or even stress out over the content. This is where we have to keep ourselves firmly grounded. Yes, if we’re getting to know someone, fairly prompt responses – so within a day – is ideal, but we need to ensure that we’re not holding our breath and suddenly basing our existence around whether we’re going to hear from this person or playing text tennis in the first place. It keeps things in perspective.
Obviously if someone isn’t replying at all, that’s an issue and if generally speaking, they tend to take forever and a day to reply and it’s coupled with other symptoms of an imbalanced relationship, that’s a problem. That’s the clue: If there are other issues and niggles present in this relationship, the lack of response or slow response is a symptom pointing you to other things that you need to pay attention to. There will be this and other stuff.
If you’re very affected by the speed and frequency of texts, it’s useful to not only delay your own responses* by having phone breaks and not being chained to it, but to also swap out some of these texts for calls. The latter can prove to be a real wake-up call because if you’re resistant to picking up the phone (or you can’t call them because they’re attached…), and you even feel anxious about the possibility of facing an underlying issue or experiencing rejection, you can use this information to step back a little and get a sense of what you’re thinking and feeling. If you’re substituting texting for getting out there, challenge yourself to have a text free day each week where you engage and do something that connects you with others and your life. I’ve found leaving my phone in the bottom of my bag or in another room for a few hours or even the whole day, is incredibly freeing – I don’t like feeling chained to my phone and disconnected from my life. Like email, the pressure to reply to texts can have you catering to other people’s priorities. There are more meaningful ways in life for us to show how much a person means to us – speed and content of text messages is not high on that list!
Your thoughts?
*Please note – delay responses because you’re trying to stop living your life by rules that aren’t rules and reducing your stress, not because you’re trying to play games and hoping that you will be able to influence and even coerce another person into doing what you want. Come from a place of authenticity.
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to “please” or protect yourself from others? My new book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (HarperCollins/Harper Horizon), is out now.
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I am new to your site and I swear, the timing of your articles are incredible. I have been educating my self the last month on EU/AC (one of which I was seeing for about month (Fast forwarding, future faking, AC, EU, lazy communication, etc etc)
It was becuase of these eye opening posts that I was able to finally understand who I was dealing with and why I ended the faux relationship pronto. I have engaged in NC (solid for 1 week after I ended it)and two days ago he texted me his new number, 30 minutes later (after no response by me) he texts again asking how I have been. I didn’t respond and he sent me a message via Skype to let me know he texted me.
There was a time when I was conditioned by his text messages (both frequency and content – which dwindled to almost non-exsistent by the end of it, unless inititaed by me) – so when I got his most recent text, I felt that old feeling come back and have re-read the text a couple of times and checked my phone a few more times throughout the day to see if he sent another. Ohhh, old habits. Thank you for your posts – whenever I feel myself slipping backwards, I read posts on your blog and I find myself coming back to reality.
Block!
I could not have found NML’s books or this blog at a better time. I was clearly heading down the wrong path (Fallback Fantasy Dreamer Girl), and this is exactly what I needed to hear, even with my ego taking a slight drubbing… Thank you, Natalie for your straight-forward, no nonsense way of getting my head out of the clouds and back to reality– where good and healthy relationships are actually possible.
I used to have “waiting for a text reply panic syndrome” (W-FATRAPS)with my cheating, dishonest, passive aggressive, EU, married, sniveling assclown ex, but during a rare moment of emotional clarity I realized that I was a slave to a tiny black smart phone, and I allowed it to determine my mood at any given moment.
I had to step away.
Now, I often leave it at home when I go out. I figure if I’m out, I’m doing something so I don’t have time for a phone call or texting session.
Once I detached from it, I realized that phone was for MY convenience, and I retrained myself not to think every text or voicemail required an immediate response.
I also trained my friends and loved ones: if I’m busy, I don’t answer, even if the phone is right next to me. I no longer check for voicemail or texts on the hour, and the phone has a feature that tells me who called, so there’s no need to leave one of those horrid, 20 minute voice mail messages, then when I call them back they repeat their 20 minute voicemail schpiel(a huge pet peeve). I rarely leave messages, either.They can see I called. If it’s really important, I will call 2 or 3 time without leaving a message…they will get that I really need to talk with them.
I recently bought a “gangster phone,” one of those pay-as-you-go, cheap and unsmart cells that doesn’t know my name, so when I call people the caller ID says, “UNKNOWN.” It’s very handy for my frequent calls to the cops to report my abusive, misogynist neighbor’s five yapping mini Pomeranians (what man has five mini poms anyway? It’s creepy!)
Anyway, the gangster phone also wants me to program the voicemail with a cheery greeting before the voicemail can be activated. I’m not about to, because I like it to be anonymous and unable to take those long, tedious voicemail messages.
When I have a friend who I know loves to have one or two hour chats, you know, the type who has a bejeweled iPhone she wears on a necklace because she can’t bear to miss a call or text? Well, I text to avoid the long phone call, but then she’ll text back within 30 seconds. But I do not reply immediately because that will start a texting avalanche–another pet peeve of mine. Who’s got time for all that? I’m busy, damn it.
You know, I think if texting was invented before phone calling, once the phone call was introduced to the public, we’d never text again.
It’s hard to hit those tiny keys, and that auto-correct feature would make the Biblical Job want to bitch-slap someone.
I will text a friend, “what’s going on, Frances, u wanna do something?” and auto correct changes it to, “going on take off u pants, i wanna do something?”
I don’t know how to turn it off and I’m not one to to read instruction booklets.
Anyway, I don’t want to ever slip back into WFATRAPS.
It’s just two little phones that make things convenient for me–they are not the boss of me.
And for God’s sakes, people should turn them off or leave them at home when they are on a date or with friends doing some activity.
People tend to talk a lot louder on cells, have you noticed that? Jeeze, quiet down, people!
Furthermore, I can’t stand to be with someone who’s obsessed with answering their phone and having 15 minute chats with whomever calls.
We need international cell phone etiquitte laws that have penalties if you disobey them. Like if you answer the phone at a restaurant when you’re out with someone, the penalty is a one hour blackout–the phone goes dead for an hour.
If you answer a phone or text in a movie theatre, the penalty’s a 5 hour blackout.
If you are caught texting while driving, a month of prison for the first offense.
And Apple needs to stop making a new iPhone version every year. They have anough apps already and it’s getting ridiculous. I was at the doctor’s office the other day and everyone in the waiting room was playing Candy Crush or Bejewled, watching YouTube videos or playing awful music.
I’m already an admitted recovering codependent/avoidant & love addict. I cannot allow text and phone call expectations to take over my recovery and ruin it.
Those phones I have are to make life more convenient for ME. They are not gauges of anyone’s feelings toward me.
I prefer to gauge that in person, face to face, and with cell phones turned off.
🙂
Hahahaha!!!! (Or LOL, ;)) Karen, that was a very entertaining read. And I hear ya on the Autocorrect. My mom, who just started texting recently at 69 years old, both called me an idiot and asked if I had a new tattoo, all in one text, due to Autocorrect. Well…at least I HOPE it was Autocorrect…. 😉
WFATRAPS – beautiful. LMAO (sorry about that)
P.S.
A relationship I was in a few years ago started slipping away, and the way I first noticed it was when I noticed all of her e-mail had in the subject line a “RE:” at the beginning. That told me she was only hitting the tennis ball back, but never serving.
Her distancing increased, and it was because she’d become obsessed with her recovering addict daughter, who’d just been released from prison for forging government checks to buy drugs. My gf had no time for anyone but the 32 year old kid. She became what they call in Al Anon “a hover mother.”
Anyway, I took her to dinner and a Broadway touring company play for her birthday, and afterwards I gave her her gift, 12 CDs of new music I spent 10 hours sampling online before I bought them.
She had to get home because it was after midnight, and she was worried that the kid would be worried about her, so she ran off without the usual…you know, birthday suit stuff.
The next morning at 6 a.m. I got a thank you text (she thought I’d be asleep) saying she listened to and loved all 12 CDs. (So I guess she stayed up all night to listen to 6 hours of music? uh huh.)
It was sad, but I have more than 10 years of Al Anon recovery and I knew she was down the enabler/codependant rabbit hole, trying to do her daughter’s recovery for her.
Texts instead of calls, a texted thank you instead of the elegant, scented snail mail thank you card she would have sent in the past…
It helps us to see the light when we notice the e-mail “RE’s” and the texts where much more used to be.
Thanks, Natalie, for your post, Timely and sharp as ever. You rock.
This is me to a tee. I base how I feel purely on the content and quickness of response of the txt I am awaiting all day off my mr unavailable. Even now I know hes busy all day but I couldn’t resist sending 1 txt in the vain hope he’d see fit to reply. Im going to try so hard today not to constantly check my phone and feel like crap when he doesn’t respond. It really does determine my mood and that is so sad but I can’t seem to help it.
Katie
Unless you need your phone for work purposes, leave it home at least two days a week. Failing that turn it off and leave it alone until you are on your way home then check for any messages or missed calls.
Your Mr Unavailable will still be unavailable whether your phone is on or off or left at home in the drawer.
If he was available and you were in a real relationship you wouldn’t be sending texts reminding him you exist and panicking when he doesn’t reply.
Stop ignoring your feelings, they are telling you something you need to know about this guy and it has nothing to do with your phone.
Hello,
I’ve been a fan of your blog for years and don’t usually comment because the regulars that do comment, perfectly sum up what I’m thinking as well. But, I’m prompted to comment on this post anyway. It is a little eerie that I needed this post as a reminder now, at this very moment! So, thank you. I think we’ve also become an “instant gratification” culture now too, so, couple that with a false sense of security/belonging (“likes” on facebook or instagram) and a lower self esteem and that’s not a good combination. We have to base our relationships on real-life interactions with others and not electronic ones, and sometimes we forget that (myself included).
Response to text, “not over thinking it”, ok but if you are calling also and ” they are slow responding” also… I can step back… Waaaay back!!!
I recently stepped waaaay back from a past AC… Should have known better!!!
Be strong my BR family!!!
Oh dear how true this is.
I remember like it was yesterday the first text I got of the ex AC.
I had texted him first and was waiting for a reply and I was anxious and down and trying to distract myself then he answered and wow I was high as kite my mood instantly changed I felt happy the anxiety disappeared.
oops hit send before I re read it and finished my post.
Anyway after that my mood was dictated by his replies not always about fast his reply was but also what was written. I hated when I wrote long texts wishing him a good day etc and all I got back was thank you not even have a good day too the rest of day would be ruined.
Even now if he texts me which is very rare I find myself playing games taking my time replying making it formal.
It is a crazy making game.
Posy, I like your honesty, he’s still got a foothold on you if you need to play games when he texts. If you really want to shake him off, send back quick, indifferent and closed responses, like ‘thanks’, ‘good to hear it’, etc. I find this better than ignoring (unless in the immediate aftermath of breaking up) because when you hit send, you can shoo away all the waiting around, powerlessness and speculation. I normally say ‘done!’ and can move onto the next thing.
This article really struck home with me. I have been NC with exMM for 6 months now. It all ended because of the infrequency of his texting, the time he took to reply, the fact that he rarely put a kiss at the end of his messages. I look back now and realise that I read far too much into it, but it was the only way we communicated, my choice, I thought that by not talking to him regularly on the phone would help me to not get to attached or too reliant upon daily or weekly contact, of course it did not work out that way. It all became a huge game where I would go for weeks without contacting him and I would spend those weeks anxious all the time just waiting to hear from him and then when I did disappointed by the message I received. When I eventually ended it with him and explained to him that it was not right that we only contacted each other every two or three weeks he just threw it straight back at me and said I never contacted him. It was just a childish game that lead me to waste a few years feeling like crap most of the time.
I have learnt that I shall never be so reliant on texting it is “lazy communication” and I am glad to be off the roller coaster that I was on.
Great post.
Sallentine, you took the words right out of my mouth. It is so easy to become entangled in these text arguments and it all amounts to nothing. How are you doing with the NC? I was at a month when I saw him driving by my house and then he started texting, and I started arguing. Insanity. Back at NC again. It really does set you back when you hear from them again. I am committed to NC, but feel like I am still waiting to get a text from him all the time. I hope this feeling goes away. Thanks for your post, it helped me to read it.
Tangerine
Thanks for your message, NC is the only way for me but I know how you feel I sort of hope to hear from him but if I did I would never get involved with him again now I could not go back to those wasted feelings of anxiety. Its been six months now although I have seen him once whilst I was out with friends, I did not acknowledge him, but it was hard. At then end of the day he was married and it was wrong and I am glad to be off that roller coaster now. Keep up the NC it really does work, its just takes time and you have to stay strong, I am in a much better place than I was last year and I just keep reminding myself of that. Good luck to you xxx
The bigger issue is that he’s married, not his lack of communication. How can you expect any level of commitment and consideration from a man cheating on his wife? His lack of texting is only a symptom of the problem, not the problem. You are missing the wood through the trees on this one. If you settle for a married man, you will get crumbs. If you feel you deserve more, find a man who can at least give it an honest try, and not someone who will slot you in when it’s convenient or when his wife is busy. When you try out for second in line, you get second in line.
Salkie….yes you are totally right in what you say. He was a hard lesson learnt for me. I actually started to think that I did not deserve any better, but its been six months since we had any contact and I know that I deserve so much better now. Its a situation I never thought I would get myself involved in and I learnt a valuable lesson from it. Thanks for your comments.
Selkie, everything you say i spot on. Unfortunately, it is not always such a linear journey. I hope to find my way back and sharing with people who show a little compassion helps a lot. Part of moving on is also accepting your part and forgiving yourself and letting go of the shame, even if you created the situation. We all screw up and make mistakes. Thanks for your insight.
Tangerine, I was replying to Sallentine and the specifics she said in her comment about it “all ending because the infrequency of his texts”. Your comment wasn’t there yet when I wrote a reply. But you are right, forgiving yourself is very important, we all make mistakes and will no doubt make more in the future. I wasn’t trying to shame anyone, but just saying it seemed like she was glossing over or minimizing the married part of it and focusing on his lack of communication as the unhealthy part. It’s just my perspective and a nudge to get to he root of things, not a judgment. I’ve messed royally many times and understand that learning from our mistakes is a process that takes time.
I want to laugh and cry when I read this. I have had absolute panic attacks that someone hadn’t responded to a text message. I had this man built up in my head and I lived for a text message from him. He is emotionally unavailable, a narcissist and blames everyone else for anything going on. He reminds me of my father on a subconscious level. I have had to give up my phone altogether for a month to get a grip about my painful feelings regarding texts and emails. I read somewhere that body language makes up 80 – 90% (don’t quote me on the stats) of communication in a relationship. There is zero body language and vocal intonation in a text message. We project whatever we want in a text message.
I’m not a fan of texting unless it’s a quick, informative missive: “Be there in 15 mins, coming down now,” etc. I can be slow in my replies unless I happen to be right by my phone or on the phone. By slow I mean hours not days and not if there’s been a back and forth in play.
Was dating a man I met online. I was impressed by his initial action to talk on the phone and we did up until we met and after. But over the discovery/unfolding phase, the phone calls decreased and the texts increased. I told him I preferred phone calls but I saw no real change.
The anxiety and stress in this article wasn’t about texts for me, but his refusal to stop logging on the dating site we met on. I have a faux account for this reason but have never really needed to investigate until we had been dating for about a month. He was on there daily. Sometimes an hour after I left his place. I became so wrapped up and obsessed with tracking his frequent log-ins until I told him this was a problem for me.
He’d stay off for a couple of days but then be right back on it when he could’ve been calling and talking to me. I think that’s what bothered me.
Meanwhile the phone calls lessened, the texts increased and even they became spotty and selfishly motivated. Our last date was a disaster. He was a total assclown. I ended it and have since gone NC. But the red flags were there. I recommend readers re-reading Natalie’s posts about lazy communication, texting and online warnings. I read them during all this just to double check my sanity. If someone is interested, they will respond in a timely manner. They will put in the effort and if they care, modify their actions after you have communicated they bother you.
If not? Flush!
Great article. My heart can sink when I open my e-mail with no reply received from a friend – romantic or otherwise. I have a difficult time remembering what it was even like before e-mail, texting and since I am in my 50’s, this is really a new mode to communicate. I even quit Facebook because it was too stressful for me. I guess there is not turning back now and I can almost throw away my home phone for the times that it ever rings. Not sure what is ahead for our society with this new mode of keeping in touch – kind of afraid for the lack of caring that is being created.
I hate texting. Hate it soooo much. Sometimes I have a friend who texts too much even though I have stated I only text to arrange plans. For the most part, when she texts about other things (often silly) I sometimes (even if it is a question), don’t reply at all. No, it hasn’t ruined our friendship, but it has made me see that there is a major lack of substance. Worthwhile experiences are built on just that–experiences.
I have another friend who only replies if she wants to. I don’t mind it. I find it funny. And if I invite her to something and I don’t get a reply–well, there’s my answer. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that with a romantic partner, but with her it’s fine.
When too much texting, messaging, Facebooking happens it can give the impression there is something more going on than is. That’s why unavailable people like it. Saying no to too much electronic communication (even being downright grumpy about it) shows that you aren’t up for being led down a silly rabbit hole of emojis and LOLs.
I bought a Walmart flip phone and weaned off being chained to my iPhone. But, my best telephone conversations with a good friend across the country can last easily 2 hours sometimes & the Walmart minutes were too pricey so I bought a new smartphone and got a reasonable costing plan. But now I have this new phone too much in my life! I like the idea of leaving the phone at home or someplace other than directly with me, and will start doing this more often.
AND I HATE it when I SEXT a guy and don’t get a reply. Just kidding.
My oh my,
I must say… that the bottom has fallen all the way out. I can see the tweenager to early/mid twenty something crowd being so heavily reliant on text and social media. They grew up in that era so that is all they know. On the other hand, how are us 30,40,50, and 60 somethings behaving in the same manner when it comes to text/social media communication as our niece/nephews, children, and grand children when we were around to see something different? To me, issues with communication over texts/social media are symptoms of the main issue… The main issue being that you have a ‘relationship’ with a person that don’t really want to be bothered with seeing/hearing from you. If they were showing us in their actions that they really wanted to hear from and see us, we wouldn’t be 30 plus making a fuss over texts and facebook messages. Really? Have our standards and expectations been managed down so much as to where we have forgotten that one of the primary earmarks/hallmarks/landmarks of a ‘relationship’ (and not just romantic) is that they actually want to see and hear from our asses?!
ljsrmissy, I feel the same. I think there’s a place for texting and probably rely on it too much. But I quit facebook when I was too insecure to cope with ruminating on what I/others did or didn’t say, and why a post was ignored etc. I’m SOOO relieved it wasn’t around when I was 15! Now I feel pretty happy in myself, but I still wouldn’t go back.
Facebook is a noisy soulcrusher to me. People often say, ‘but you can stay in touch with people all over the world who you wouldn’t otherwise be in contact with’. I’ve spent long periods in other countries and met amazing people, but my belief is that they enter your life at particular times and stay in your heart but you move on. Like I’ll always cherish the memories of a Vietnamese family hosting me 15 years ago and they helped shape who I am, but we don’t need to be in contact now, and if we did, we should phone/write/meet and have substance to our communication, not these indirect and inaccurate windows into each other’s worlds. Just the same for a lot of school friends, old colleagues etc. I found it sad sometimes to have these great connections with people I crossed paths with, only for them to lose their mystique and for us to have nothing to say to each other on FB.
Even more worrying though, is seeing people even in their 30s doing most of their communication with current, local ‘friends’ over FB. I saw one person recently considering someone a real friend who ‘liked’ some of his posts and even wrote a personal message, nevermind that he lived nearby and hadn’t bothered meeting him for almost a year (they used to play sports together). Crumb communication doesn’t just happen in romance.
this is spot on happy b, I totally agree with you. particularly the idea that there is no need to drag – and spoil – what were good, real interactions with people we met in the past, by friending them on facebook
People who only communicate to you via text/messaging are not only keeping you at bay, they are telling you don’t even bother getting in your boat to come over to my side of the ocean!
Love it, and so very true
What really pee’s me off is these morons who drive cars and text at the same time.
I have been hit in the rear 3 times in the past 5 years when stopped at the traffic lights, I could see them in my rear view mirror with their heads down phone in hand not watching what was happening right in front of them and braced myself for that inevitable bang and crunch. What can you do, stuck in a line of traffic, there’s nowhere to go without hitting someone else.
I hardly text anyone these days apart from I’m running late or where are you if it’s a busy venue and I have to meet someone. I hardly ever respond to lazy communication by text, I think if they can’t talk to me for a couple of minutes I can’t be bothered responding by text. Depending on who is contacting me and what it’s about, I’ll call back and leave a voice mail if the phone isn’t answered asking them to call me back and they usually do.
I turn my phone off or leave it at home when I go out with friends or I’m with family. How annoying is it when you are out and someone’s phone starts ringing and then you have to listen to a one sided conversation that goes on and on because they won’t go away to take their call, or watching someone play text tennis for the next half hour while oblivious to everyone else around them.
The AC used to bombard me with texts, I used to get so anxious if I hadn’t heard anything from him for a few hours, I used to be sending texts asking where are you, is anything wrong, why aren’t you talking to me, that sounds so pathetic when I think about it now. So why didn’t I call him instead of texting, simple, he rarely answered. I can understand now what he was doing, keeping me at a distance, out and out lying and being ambiguous. He liked to pick a fight by text as well so you can imagine what that was like, no person to person talk just texting. Huh! Weird! Yeah, it sounds crazy to me too now.
In addition to letting go of the stress that surrounds these communications I like to illustrate the truth of these matters with this story. My daughter was anxious about not receiving a text message from some inconsequential arse. Whose name she probably couldnt even recall now. We were out shopping, we had loads to do, lots to carry and were walking along with bags and eating a sandwich on the run. I manoeuvred my phone out of my bag and whilst still walking I texted her. And I’m old and less phone nimble than most people under 40. So, then she had her answer. You do what you do when you want to do it. If someone is on your mind and you want to communicate, you can nudge out a text hanging off the Eiffel Tower with a box of chocolates in your teeth whilst scratching your balls. And of course, if you don’t then you weren’t that bothered.
When I met Mr Available he texted me and I batted back with I’m not keen on texting, as I had done my BR quals, he picked up the phone and called me. Because. He. Wanted. To.
Take it from me, she who wasted years on phone glancing, checking and general communication anxiety. Don’t waste your life. Learn a language, colour in an application form, dream a dream, make a cake, learn to skin a rabbit. Do all the things that you will want to talk about when you meet someone who wants to know everything about you. And if you don’t meet them then you had a great fascinating interesting time. Tombstones don’t read ‘xyz waited very well’
Terrific post and enlightening comments as ever.
My current boyfriend has no idea how much he has re-trained me to the ways of normal, healthy, happy, emotionally available and fulfilled people. And that includes the texting and calling habits.
For five years previously I was seeing a dangerous, personality-disordered, shop window dummy. I thought the glow about his person was a halo. I didn’t realise it was actually emissions from toxic waste. I was in that world where texts meant everything. Absolutely everything. Good text, bad text, lukewarm text, loads of texts, no texts at all, quick response, slow response — my mood was entirely dependent on that. I could be walking on air for hours after one good text, or hunched over on the edge of the sofa feeling sick to my stomach after a text that I’d felt was less than good.
To someone as emotionally starved as I was, those texts took on way, way, way too much significance.
But Mr Normal Healthy Happy Emotionally Available doesn’t trigger that kind of anxiety. Because… why would he? He loves to text and call, and it took me a few months to get used to it — that his strings of texts lavishing me with attention were because he loves me not because they’re a prelude to the inevitable weird sexual request. He doesn’t do text silences and always rings to talk to me rather than texts back if I’ve been left waiting for a response — quite different from how I’d been conditioned for years that text silences were calculated to pressurise me into expressing a moment of distress, which would give Mr Psychopath the opportunity to turn on me and hiss what a boring nag I am before insinuating that he’d been ‘busy with someone’ and leave me to imagine what that meant, before giving me a chance to make it up to him and prove I’m not a boring nag. Starving, I craved that bait and swallowed that hook so many times.
For my part I’ve learned it’s up to me to ensure I feed myself enough so that I’m never that hungry for crumbs again. And never to have anything to do with anyone who uses emotional bait laden with fish hooks.
Grizelda, this is lovely to hear. I could describe my toxic relationship in similar ways and equally link it with being emotionally starved. It’s just come to my mind that at that time, I was just as anxious about texts from friends, worried I’d written the wrong thing if I didn’t hear back on the same day, combing over things and finding what I’d written or done wrong, similar for emails. What a nightmare!
I haven’t found my Mr Normal Happily Emotional Available blah blah, but it bodes well that I can quickly relieve any anxieties now that I have with friends and others. What I think has helped is to know my values and focus on living in line with them. We lose sight of this in toxic relationships as we twist ourselves round for the other, so it’s little wonder I was anxious about being misunderstood or misconstrued. I barely understood myself. How great to be free of the emotional control of that promiscuous player!
Griz, good to have you pop up again, I liked your posts in the past.. Perhaps “he” has retrained you to the ways of healthy, happy, normally, emotionally available people. But I think BR and NML get credit too.
My ex-EUM male and I never had issues with electronic communication, he was an extremely steady replier, intiator. Unfortunately I think this gave me the idea he was available. But we did have plenty of issues on Facebook. I was new to it at the time, and didn’t grow up with it or spend most of my adulthood with it, so when he’d do things like refuse to change his relationship status (he was “private” he said) or put up a bunch of pictures of us on vacation, but conveniently leave out the pics that I was in — I let him get away with it because I just didn’t understand the subtext behind it. I eventually figured it out.
I have this weird fantasy lately in which all people I encounter who are engaged with their smartphones are really zombies. When I´m sitting in the metro, for instance, with all these text-addicts around me, their eyes blank on their phones, I begin counting them and work out a strategy in case they attack me to turn me into a zombie as well. I figure their addiction is not only highly contagious, but we are all infected already. So it doesn´t take much to become a living dead!! Aaargh!
As you can see, I´m probably a bit brainwashed by watching zombie films but when you take a hard look at people mesmerized by their iphones or tablets or whatever, it´s not hard to see the similarity.
Anyway, for me it´s more fun to imagine myself fighting text-zombies in real life than to wait around for some virtual sext crumbs or facebook-likes on my phone.
I used to be in a situation where I was anxious for the AC’s text messages. They were funny and engaging, and I would hang on his every word. I thought that they meant something since I had his “feelings” in writing, but clearly he was just future faking and managing down my expectations. In 5 months we talked on the phone maybe 5 times, and although he did most of the talking, I preferred that over the texts. By the end, I had saved over 600 of his text messages, and I knew that the first step to getting over him and letting go was to delete them all, because, again, they were meaningless. Needless to say, I am sick of texting. If you want to communicate with me, call me, or talk to me in person. People hide behind texting because they don’t have the courage to say things to you in person, or to ease the blow of rejection. Yes, I agree, it is LAZY COMMUNICATION. I have made it clear to people in my life that I would rather someone talk to me than text, as I have received messages asking me for money, for a date, and one person even told me she had cancer via text. Who does that? Why can’t people talk anymore? I recently received an invite to a cookout via text, and I hadn’t talked to this person in over a month. Did I go? Hell No! What, was she gonna text me while I was there? I just don’t understand it.
When it comes to friends and family, I think nothing of delayed text replies. And that’s how I have to think of it while dating someone new, I say to myself “would I be this worried if ‘Kelly’ to this long to text back”? The answer is no, I wouldn’t. That way of thinking has helped me out a lot, because texting while dating is stressful, you go through all those emotions because you want things to work and every bit of hesitation sends us into a frenzy.
Exactly right, cocowednesdays! Once I made the same connection (and it’s so simple! How did it take me this long?), my stress and anxiety level dropped. Treating my dating partner like I treat my family & friends — and expecting the same level of trust and communication from him as I do them — has been eye opening…
theseamstress:
What you said really rang true for me: ‘Don’t waste your life. Learn a language, colour in an application form, dream a dream, make a cake, learn to skin a rabbit. Do all the things that you will want to talk about when you meet someone who wants to know everything about you. And if you don’t meet them then you had a great fascinating interesting time. Tombstones don’t read ‘xyz waited very well’’.
I also saw this somewhere: If you’re looking for the love of your life, stop. They’ll show up when you’re doing the things you love.
For me it’s ride a bike, take a German class, organize friend gatherings for summer music in the park, visit family in another state (or county), rout for a sports team, meet a friend for dinner spontaneously, plan a weekend away with a group of like-minded people you haven’t met yet doing an outdoor activity you love, realize people will remember you not for what you say or do but for how you made them feel (Maya Angelou), treat every experience as of equal importance.
theseamstress:
What you said really rang true for me: ‘Don’t waste your life. Learn a language, colour in an application form, dream a dream, make a cake, learn to skin a rabbit. Do all the things that you will want to talk about when you meet someone who wants to know everything about you. And if you don’t meet them then you had a great fascinating interesting time. Tombstones don’t read ‘xyz waited very well’’.
I also saw this somewhere: If you’re looking for the love of your life, stop. They’ll show up when you’re doing the things you love.
For me it’s ride a bike, take a German class, organize friend gatherings for summer music in the park, visit family in another state (or county), root for a sports team, meet a friend for dinner spontaneously, plan a weekend away with a group of like-minded people you haven’t met yet doing an outdoor activity you love, realize people will remember you not for what you say or do but for how you made them FEEL (Maya Angelou), treat every experience as of equal importance no matter who it’s with (including the ones where it’s you on your own.
These are the things that matter, these are the things that you’ll remember, these are the things that will boost your confidence factor and take you to new places.
Oh my God, I need to “make a cake and skin a rabbit.”
I’m so freaking lonely. I feel so alone, but I’m not alone because I’m with ME, right?
I was texting a family member tonight, and not only did it take him a long time to respond to each text, but also it soon became clear to me he wasn’t paying attention to the conversation–ughh. It got to be so ridiculous…, he didn’t even know I had stopped texting.
I’m so in the present, and I’m trying to deal with some things I’ve been avoiding like loneliness. It’s a really weird feeling to look around my room with the TV off, and know I’m alone. Who really wants to be alone? I mean really? I don’t, but I am,so I’ve decided I need to deal with it.
I like spending time alone with ME, but sometimes I just feel sooooo lonely.
Thank God for you Natalie: this professional AC tried to schmooze me into trusting him, and man was he good at it. I felt desire for him; I thought he was looking out for me; I thought he was on my side; I thought we shared the same values, but it didn’t last long because he did the ole-compliment-me-ego-stroke-and then-chop-me-mind-f__k. It was so text book; It was almost comical, if I hadn’t been so angry about him manipulating me.
And, he’s so sure of himself; I don’t even think he knows I’m on to him.
I feel you Maleficent: I thought I was getting to know this guy; he was sharing things about himself to me, but something was off, and my gut was telling me not to trust him; my gut was right–he was just trying to build rapport with me, so he could reposition me on a deal–the bastud.
But Maleficent, that’s not even the worse thing that happened to me this week–I looked up and found myself
happily washing somebody’s laundry while they were watching the World Cup. I was so grateful to be helping them, and it occurred to me, another wtf?
I’m just not that damn lonely. Yep, I need to “make a cake and skin a rabbit,” paint, sculpt, draw, take a trip, and live a dream.
I feel so vulnerable. But I’m
looking out for ME. Sheesh! * shaking my head*
I was never a big cell phone user, in fact my hubby (boyfriend then) bought me my first cellphone! LOL! I am a firm believer in picking up the phone and calling to talk to people. The only text I send are short reply texts or if I see something funny and I want to send it to multiple people.
I also find that many people use texting as a way to avoid having uncomfortable conversations with people. I have ignored plenty of text messages, especially from family. I don’t necessarily get anxiety in receiving them as I get when trying to respond to someone who has just pissed me off! LOL
My Dad passed early Saturday; sat with him for most of two days. Nope, I didn’t reply to texts; more important things to do. Did check to be sure none of them dealt with animal/plant care at my home. Some folks text back right away, some do not, some call. Some didn’t acknowledge my dad’s passing at all. They’re only texts. Here where most of those close to me are fellow academics, on vacation or folk with poor reception, it has zilch to do with anything.
Oh Noquay,
I give you my virtual sympathy. I am a secret admirer of your posts, have been from the get go. I wish I could be there for you in some way for help or companionship. May your father rest in peace. xo
Noquay,
I am very sorry to hear about your father. I wish there was something I could do to show you support than write this note. Please know that my thoughts our with you.
Condolences and *hugs* Noquay. Take care of yourself and soon you’ll at least be back with your critters who are good for humans who need pats.
Dear Noquay,
just wanted to say I have read all your posts here and you are a great inspiration. Thinking of you x
Noquay,
I’m not sure if you’re a “hugger” or not, but I would give you the biggest bear hug right now and make you a big cup of tea with milk if you were anywhere in the vicinity. I’m not kidding. Sight unseen, unmet, I’d do this happily for you right now. I want to say that I’m so sorry about your dad. Regardless of what kind of parent he was (good, evil, somewehere in between), something indefinable happens to us when we lose a parent. Please let us know how you’re getting along, our brave Noquay.
Noquay, so sorry to hear this! Our ability to give support from afar is so limited… but very heartfelt. Hope you have friends there who will rally and be with you during this time.
Ladies, I have just come off a nightmare weekend. Please send hugs 🙁
The AC I know got married a few months ago, big secret plans, everyone was happy for them.
So I leave it alone. I figure his ‘making plans’ with me a fortnight before the secret wedding was pretty low, even for a friend.
But he comes in from OS Friday night, we organise dinner with him (husband & I) and its nice. I feel free from him and let my guard down (first mistake) – except that when hubby goes to the toilet he says he wants to kiss me (and does), holds my hand under the table, (wtf?) then later when we go to the bathrooms at the same time (not intentional) he bails me up and kisses me in the dark. All the while checking on whether hubby is on his way down the corridor. Apparently he doesn’t know what it is, but he has to have me.
The next day he has plans with hubby and I ring, say its great we have this connection, he says he wants to come over (I’ve heard this before) I say whatever you do is fine, no pressure, but he says he will be in contact, because he will tell me his decision the next day (second mistake).
He doesn’t contact me.
But following morning, half an hour before I ‘expected’ him I get a message saying he won’t come for a visit, its for the best. I say I understand.
Last night I deleted him from my contacts. This morning I checked and he deleted me too.
Thing is about all this – the ratio of contact between he & my hubby was about 10 to my 1. And I know why he didn’t come – he got a better offer (motorbikes) and sent photos of what he was doing to hubby !!!
I can understand the desire for a hot secret – but I get the feeling it wasn’t about me (thanks Natalie) it was only about him and hubby. Every message he sent to him was what I would expect from a lover ie hi, doing this, you’d love this, look at me !
Has anyone else experienced this ? Is it male competitiveness or was he angling to get me out of the way ? It certainly doesn’t seem like he really has feelings for me.
Regardless of his actions, I feel very upset over the ratio and quality of contact !
He’s married, you’re married….where is the question in this? Both of you are totally off limits to each other, again I am unsure where you are going with this and why you are upset that he has more contact with your “hubby”
Because, Sandy, I am fully aware that I was hooked in and am immersed in my own drama. It is bloody painful to fall off the wagon ! I set up so many barriers (I thought) to his charms and yet he only had to put different bait on a bigger hook and I was on.
I’m just having to deal with knowing that I am like him and no one on this site ever said it was an easy learning curve. My ego is hurt because I didn’t get the constant, loving attention my husband did.
This is the second toxic person in two months that I have had to actively protect myself against, plus a rough situation that got me into this vulnerable state – its not something I have had to learn before now.
All I’ve done today is read this site and attempt to get my thoughts straight.
Sandy – am I an assclown ?
What I am learning is you can fall for people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in healthy ways and unhealthy ways.
Love is not scarce.
But my self-respect and dignity is. So is my ability to trust. These things have been tested and they are very hard to get back.
Nic I don’t think you are an assclown, but I do question whether you are happy in your marriage. You need to take a step back, evaluate why you are prepared to risk your marriage for this man and go from there.
Noquay: So sorry to hear about your Dad. Sending my heartfelt condolences and a warm hug to you.
Nic- Have you thought of seeing a therapist? Please re-read what Sandy said to you. Let it sink in: You are married.
I have and I will return, I’m not making healthy decisions.
Noquay- I’m so very sorry.
Condolences on your loss.
Also, file this under Not About You: where I live, the networks are often screwed up and a text might reach you hours after it was sent, or NOT AT ALL. The more important the message, the more likely it seems to be that this will occur. So if it’s just a greeting or something I don’t need an immediate answer on, I usually send a text and kind of forget about it.
Noquay, condolences on your loss. It’s a sad time and your dad’s now in a better place. Take care xoxo
I reread this and I must say…brilliant. I respond unnecessarily quickly to people’s social media advances and texts because when people don’t respond quickly to me I get anxious and over dramatic in my mind. I reason I ought to respond rapidly as to not offend because I know I take it so to heart.
But after rereading this, I see if I want any chance at happiness, I have to give freely every day/ every time. It’s great to want to have mutual relationships but the trick is to find people that can give you what you want versus finding people who constantly keep you on edge and then keeping score.
As great as some of us are, the only person that should be top priority in our lives is us, so why should it be different for anyone else?
Hey y’all. Thanks for your support right now; yep, it’s by post, maybe transmission times vary and I am here in the land of No Cell Reception so stuff cannot always get here or right away nor are my responses at all timely. Doesnt mean folks dont care. I’d take those hugs, cause I am a hugger and I’d take that tea as long as it’s without milk (lactose intolerant). My dads affairs are a horrid mess, will be paying for it outta my pocket but I am honored I could do these final things for him.
This may not be the place to ask this, but how do you know if he’s an assclown? What if he wants to see you more but hasn’t got the time? My boyfriend has his own company and is crazy busy. He does it all on his own. We live 50 miles apart so it isn’t easy to just drop by. We see each other once a week. In the beginning of our relationship we saw each other twice, sometimes 3 times a week, but after a few months he got in trouble for work, because things weren’t getting done. Now we see each other once a week. We talk a few times on the phone, text almost every day. But what bothers me is that he doesn’t have the urge or the longing to move in together. He likes his freedom. But I want him close and i would like to move in with him. Start a life with him. So i don’t know what to do. I don’t go out with friends, male friends, because i feel guilty. I feel like i’m cheating on him. But I know he sometimes goes out (drinks) with his (female) friends and he said he wouldn’t mind if i went out. I don’t know. It had been two years and we are still no where. No plans what so ever and i’m scared that i’m throwing my life away, my best years… what are your thoughts?
Patty, this doesn’t sound like an assclown to me, so another concept that might help you though is the Rules, another girl has a blog (Platinum Girl) that might help.
Whether he is or isn’t an assclown is not really the issue. What stands out to me is that you want to live with him — he has no desire to live with you because “he likes his freedom.” You would like to see the relationship progress and make plans for the future with him. But after two years, there’s little progress and no plans. He’s content with how things are — you are not. He has no incentive to change anything. Your relationship, as it is now, works fine for him. If he wanted to live with you, or plan for a future with you — after two years, he’d be doing it. If you really want someone to live with, share a future with, marry…I don’t think you will ever get it from him.
Its been 9 months of strict NC with a guy I was seeing for 3.5 years. The break up didn’t end well, and it took me months and months to finally feel normal again. I really felt like I was making so much progress over these months and I felt so happy and was at the point where I really wasn’t thinking about him all that much, just moving on with my life and feeling great, happy, hanging with friends and meeting new people, its been great!…
Then, today it just hits me and I feel like Im missing him so much, it was just out of nowhere. So, like a fool I look up his Facebook and there it was; him with someone new, looking happy with their kids paying together, an announcement of them moving in together…Geeeezzz why did I do this…. It was just horrible. And here I am back at square one, crying, wishing, hoping, thinking why not me? Why….Why is this still happening after 9 months of NC, and me do everything I possibly can to move on…I just don’t want to feel this way anymore….urrrgh….
Sandy, I have done the same thing as you! I think we humans like to suffer, in a masochistic way :/
I know I certainly somewhat enjoy wallowing in misery! I think that you perhaps got scared that you had forgotten about him, then started pining for him and got back into that cycle. I personally have done that because I feel lost if I don’t have someone to think about or pine over. It’s such a huge issue for me!
It sounds like things were going really well for you and you had a bit of a self-sabotaging moment. You will get back on track 🙂
This is a FANTASTIC article from Natalie, and as always, extremely a propos! I just went through this recently with an older man (64 years old) that I’ve known for a while and who I suspect has Aspergers. If he does have that condition, that would explain the lapses and why he only wants to email (no phone communication), but even so, at his age and with his life experience of 64 years, he would know better than not to keep an email “conversation” going.
I have quite a few things in common with this guy in terms of social interests and it would have been pleasant to interact with him on a social basis. He’s a widower; however, the bizarre thing is that he always talks about the woman, who died years ago, and on his Facebook page uses a picture of her with her kids and him that is at least 30 years old. I think that he is using it to send out a very loud and clear message to everyone that he is not emotionally available.
Anyway, the point is that he is very pleasant and gentlemanly in person. When he replies to an email he is quite a good writer and communicates quite well and pleasantly. However, he does not keep the communication going back-and-forth like normal people do. When I have emailed, he replies right away and seems pleased to have heard from me, then I reply to his reply and it “dies” there. He doesn’t keep it going. He recently suggested that we go to a dinner and concert, then I never heard back. Since I’m not one to put up with dismissive/”freeze-up”/”you’re-a-nobody” behavior from any guy, I will NOT go out with him if he ever emails me again – and I will tell him why.
Thanks for this excellent article. Most of the articles always have a bearing on something I’ve gone through in the past or am going through in the present.
I took myself off the dating market in 2009 and only recently decided to try going out again, but only on an acquaintance/friendship level, not anything romantic. I just want to get my feet wet again to see if I’m even interested in actually meeting anyone from the male gender. All I found the first time were scumbags who didn’t want a monogamous relationship with a woman and didn’t want any sort of emotional attachment; they were educated, divorced (so had experienced lengthy relationships, except for one with only a 5-year marriage), had had children (so should have learned some level of responsibility), financially set (or at least stably employed) — but scumbags nonetheless. It appears that nothing has changed.
What if the response you expect just never comes? I’m going through this right now. I’ve been seeing this guy for just over a month. We live about 40 mins apart and due to our (mostly my) crazy schedule we haven’t been able to meet yet. However we have been texting regularly for many weeks and have started talking on the phone a few times a week, usually for a few hours at a time. We have really great chemistry and he is always raving about how much he likes me and how happy he is to see me. I always received good morning and good night messages and lots of regular chatting all day.
Then out of the blue, he has gone simply MIA on me, and I have no idea why. Where he used to text me first thing and keep up a string of steady convo and sweet messages through the day, there is now nothing. I reached out to him after about two days purely out of concern and he said everything is fine and I left it at that. He doesn’t seem to have that urge to chat and I’m not going to push him.
Not gonna lie though, I am going a little crazy trying to figure out where this sudden coldness is coming from, and whether I may have done something to spark it. My emotions swing from indifferent with a hint of anger, to hurt and sad (to the point of wanting to give up my weekend plans to lay on the couch and watch Bridget Jones) on an hourly basis, which is really pathetic I know. How can someone I’ve known for so little have such an effect on me by his mere absence?
I am really trying hard to take a step back from my emotions and look at this rationally but its really really hard. He always made me feel so cared about and adored, and this is just a serious slap in the face. I just don’t get WHY!? I feel like some kind of addict going through withdrawal -___-
^ How happy he is to have met me, not see me, since we haven’t had a chance to meet up since our initial in person meeting. Derp. 🙂
Well, Aiden. You are at the proverbial fork in the road. Do you travel down the Emotionally Unavailable-Blow Hot&Cold –Put Him On A Pedestal path – or – do you take the Put Myself On A Pedestal path?
Only you know where your head is now.
He’s showing you who he is right now. You are either up for the drama or …not.
There’s no magic formula for “winning” his love and devotion.
There’s nothing you need to show him to make him not run away.
He will always run away. And he will come back. The more you chase the more he’ll run. The more you stay away the more he’ll come back to make sure you are still on the hook.
That’s not love. That’s a game. You get to decide whether you want to play or…not.
Thanks for your advice Elgie, you’re completely right and those are the thoughts that were bouncing around my head but clouded by uncertainty.
I guess the joke is on me though. His FB profile has been updated with a pic of him with his arm around some chick. I messaged him in confusion and shock and he has not responded at all. What a coward.
This is the same guy that was telling me last week about all the amazing things he was going to show me and things we would do together. I let my guard down and let him in because he seemed so real, sweet and genuine. I literally feel like the air has been sucked out of my lungs, that is how out of the blue this is for me. His non responsiveness and the fact I will get no closure just makes it worse. It seems like he transformed from an innocent bunny to a conniving lying cockroach overnight.
I’m trying not to think about it too much, but I keep wondering, how someone can step all over another human being’s emotions like that? Was I nothing to him? Was it all just words and hot air? How did this even happen. I’m utterly blindsided and I wish I could just rewind time and not allow myself to catch any feelings for this loser.
Funny how things go. But what goes around comes around and I have no doubt reality will catch up with him some day.
aiden, i feel exactly the same atm. having myfirst look at this website, i can relate.
having met a guy online, we have been dating for 8 weeks. would catchup for dinners 3 or 4 times a week, a constant messaging throughout the day,and even i love you. the good morning and good nnight messages. Then 2 nights one week he didn’t respond, i ws checking my phone every hour, what if something happened to him? the next day i get ‘so sorry bub, my phones playing up’, take his word. 3nights later, he got home and fell asleep instanty. With my gut sayng there was something up, i check online and his account is ‘active today’. I ask him about it and i get “can you believethe day you check is the day i go online as i received these messages which is weird as my profile was hidden, so i went in to hide it again”. He messages for another couple of days. we make plans one night, he says he can’t make it as now has dinner with family. (who i have met). tells me i am the one, his world and what he has been searching for and then goes awol. i have no idea what happened given he was the one chasing me in the beggining, flattering me, taking me out to dinners all the time, staying at mine overnight. played me for a fool and am feeling the pain now for letting him in and trusting him so soon. Be honest, be a man, and say it’s over. like natalie says, i need the door to be closed, when i should close it myself.
Nat,
Natalie has written much on future faking. Check it out.
I’ve been there too.
Hi Natalie,
Still reading you regularly and often come back to your posts when something in my life triggers confusion or familiar self sabotaging thought patterns. I usually find clarity and instant relief, I am so grateful to you for helping me spend my time more productively aka staying with my good, loving and lovable authentic self…
Dear Nat,
Your story triggered my empathy. Allison gives good advice – read about future faking. Also, you have been ‘disappeared’ on. A despicable and cowardly act. People who are working on esteeming themselves or who already hold themselves as worthy and in good esteem, would be able to feel genuine disrespect and disgust for a ‘disappearer’ and that feeling doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive to any immediate pain experienced by the ‘disappearee’. One key issue here may be self esteem… if you continue to ask why and feel hurt and cannot be glad you ‘dodged a bullet’that’s likely a self esteem issue at base.
I’m so sorry you encountered this careless, spineless and self absorbed bastard. He was not worthy of your love. virtual hugs ooo.