At a surprise party a few months back, I noticed something about the birthday girl: she was near having palpitations due to not being the organiser and was visibly stressed about receiving gifts and compliments. She didn’t know how to receive.
If you struggle to receive compliments, gifts, help, support, etc., you have receiving issues. You’re also likely to be an overgiving people pleaser (overgivers tend to under-receive). Why? Each time somebody does something for you, you likely feel as if you have to bump up your efforts. You think you have to prove that you were worth the effort. You might even feel as if you have to find a way to pay it back.
For overgivers, a gift can’t just be a gift and help can’t just be help. You’ll stress over how you can show your appreciation and privately relieve the uneasiness caused by the gift or help through your giving.
Sometimes you just need to say “Thank you” or accept whatever it is rather than trying to be and do everything yourself. You don’t have to be in control all of the time. There doesn’t need to be payback. Let [the right] people in.
When you struggle to receive, you’re often unaware of the internal struggle people trying to do things for you triggers. They don’t know about how their giving can bring up feelings of low self-worth or unpleasant associations. It can, for example, trigger the secret fear that they’ve based this giving on a perception of you that you worry you can’t live up to. There can be an irrational pressure where relieving that discomfort comes about from either shooting down their efforts or reciprocating (possibly over-reciprocating).
While there are people out there who give to receive (which is not the same as giving or gifting), what you forget when you have receiving issues is that a genuine gift is something that the person willingly gives because they want to.
It’s done without an agenda or expectation of what you will give in return. A gift is that person’s way of saying, Thank you or I really appreciate you or I was thinking about you.
If you feel guilty and even obliged to come up with a gift of equal level (or more), that’s kinda killing the whole gifting vibe.
You’re saying, Thank you for the gift. It made me feel really uncomfortable. I worried about what you (or others) might think of me if I didn’t give you something in return. What if, in not doing so, I committed a faux pas? I don’t understand why you’re doing something for me. What are you expecting? I’m the pleaser. What are you trying to do? Usurp me? Ugh.
You got all of that from a gift? That sounds more like a burden!
I’ve seen this awkward scenario play out where because it’s now got all ‘transactional’ it becomes gift ping pong. Where does it end?
Sometimes it’s about not knowing how to receive. Maybe you don’t give that much to yourself and your self-esteem is based on external esteem and what you do for others. Perhaps it feels super weird when you’re not in the giver role. You may not feel deserving or know how to allow you to feel happy via the self-validation that happens with recognising that you are appreciated and that there are good, valid reasons for that appreciation.
It can also be (and this was definitely a factor for me), about being suspicious of people’s motives. When you grow up in an environment where receiving a gift can be exploited and, in fact, used against you, or you have experiences (childhood or adulthood) where you’ve dealt with somebody who was very transactional or manipulative, being given to can be very stressful. When you examine and compare those past experiences with present-day ones though, there can be very stark differences that remind you not to tar people with the same brush. It’s critical to also spend some time doing some healing work to change the narrative around those events.
Compliments also give you a clue about someone’s self-image. Do they graciously accept and say thank you or shoot it down?
“You look fantastic!”
“Don’t say that. Have you seen how much weight I’ve put on? My hair is a hot mess too. I almost didn’t come today because…” And when this person’s still downplaying a few minutes later, you almost wish you hadn’t said anything.
Although shooting down compliments or suspicion of them can be down to disbelief due to that person’s self-dislike, it can also be due to having negative associations with compliments. Maybe they dealt with someone who used compliments to be manipulative. All compliments are then treated with suspicion.
There are people who’d rather implode than accept or ask for help. They are also those who “get in their first” and try to hog up all of the help because it’s their way of feeling in control and having a sense of purpose.
They don’t give others a chance to help, determining that because they didn’t do it previously that they won’t do it this time. Or, they feel that it’s just “easier” if they do it because at least it will be “correct”. These same people simmer with frustration, resentment and overwhelm and often end up damn near having a nervous breakdown or burnout.
Does it feel good to…
- Knock back gifts?
- Run you down in response to a compliment?
- Be transactional while keeping a tally of what you think you owe to others (or they you)?
- Refuse help?
- Overload you through helping and supporting due to not allowing people to stand on their own two feet?
- Burn out and be over your bandwidth because you’re always in the role of giver?
I’m going to hazard a guess that the answer is no. So why continue? All overgiving does is hold you in a pattern that doesn’t reflect who you truly are. It stops you from being authentic because it’s transactional instead of coming from a place of love, care, trust, and respect where you do things because you want to and it’s who you are, not because you’re coming from a place of fear, guilt and obligation. Overgiving also isn’t fair to the other party because, yes, don’t accept stuff from shady folk but don’t treat all people as if they’re shady.
Learning to receive is about vulnerability.
It’s about allowing you to be seen. You can only truly receive when you have that relationship with yourself. Learning to receive means allowing you to be vulnerable enough that you’re being your true self instead of tiptoeing and hiding due to worrying about how you will be perceived and worrying about “paying people back”.
Being vulnerable means that you don’t hide behind a role where you have to be the giver (or primary one). Instead, due to a more balanced relationship with you, you can allow healthy interpersonal relationships to be mutual instead of there being the imbalance that comes with the uneasiness of people pleasing.
When you let people give you gifts or you let them support or help you, you’re being vulnerable enough to acknowledge that you are human instead of trying to be a superhero or the Energizer Bunny.
You can’t go around always being the giver. People who are not takers don’t want to be put in the position of always being takers just to appease your overgiving pattern and keep you in your comfort zone.
If people are being vulnerable with you and expressing how they feel about you through actions and words, or asking for help or support, or being vulnerable enough to show you that they’re struggling, why do you have to have the role of being giver, fixer, Florence? If you always meet people’s attempts to give to you with feeling obliged to reciprocate and then some, or to knock it back, what message does that send? That you always expect something in return? Of course not.
Thank you is a really good start plus a heartfelt response, including seeing that you genuinely appreciate the gift, is often thank you enough for the person who just wants to do something for you. And get into the habit of giving to, supporting and helping yourself and it won’t seem as if it’s shock of the century when others do this for you. You will also be able to discern healthy relationships from those with hidden agendas because you have that relationship with you already.
Your thoughts?
Are you ready to stop silencing and hiding yourself in an attempt to ‘please’ or protect yourself from others? My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want (Harper Horizon), is out now.
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This is me! I am just like the birthday girl. I can do for others but have a hard time accepting things from others. Today, someone at the spa was giving me a compliment on my hair and killer brows. It was so hard for me to take in. I can give compliments or help other people out but I have a hard time asking for any help. BR has been the one place thru my tough times where I have come for help. Otherwise I have tried to do things on my own and it has been so TOUGH. Not having real life support. This post has given me so much to think about.
I get it. I used to go into debt at Christmas time, making sure I had “extra/enough” gifts in case I forgot any neighbor, teacher, volunteer, coworker, friends of friends, fifth cousin… because I didn’t want to be caught off guard. When I was allowed friend parties as a kid I wasn’t allowed to receive gifts. Instead, my friends got gifts for coming to my party.
In my closet is a shoebox with all that BGE ever gave me: A pair of his socks he allowed me to keep, directions he hand wrote for rules to a game, and a valentine card he signed with a pen that ran out of ink. Other things in the box are receipts for things that I gave him.
Say Something,
Ahhh! When I read your post I just wanted to kick him in his nut sack. I am sorry. You really loved that man. He sounds so selfish. You are a thoughtful person. Universe please send this special lady someone who can give her the love and respect she bestows on others.
If you lived nearby I would have a party for you and make up for some of those gifts you missed as a child. I am a giver. That is so sad that you had to give children gifts on your birthday.
I can’t really say when I became so uncomfortable with getting gifts. As a child I always had HUGE birthday parties. Starting in about fourth grade I would invite the entire class (not just my home room but everyone)to my house. I will always cherish those memories. I still remember some of my gifts and the games. I took a school picture in a shirt someone gave me (it said- I cant beat any boy on the block-it was yellow with a beautiful caricature of a girl). The girl had long blonde locks like yours (lol).
I was the first grandchild born on maternal/paternal sides. So, my grandparents made a BIG deal about ME. I was loved as a child. I do mean loved. I felt it and knew it. I wish my grandparents were still living. Now, I can only HOPE to have this kind of love again. Anything less then what I am use to having is going to be equivalent to solitary confinement. We all need LOVE.
MJ
I once kept a foil chocolate wrapper because it was the ONLY thing he’d ever given me.
Lucky foil wrapper! – the one that got away…
MJ,
I always felt the need to bring something to him on the wknds. Sometimes it was beer that he liked, even though in the aftermath he claimed to not even drink. Wtfffffff. Sometimes I made salsa, or grabbed specialty sandwiches from my town. Showing up as “just me” wasn’t enough in my mind. He always paid when we went out, even though it was always bar food (rural area) and I didn’t want to appear selfish even though I was the one commuting and paying for gas.
Anyhow, I know I’ve said it before but I’m going to say it again. In the end, as he was ‘justifying’ why he had to get rid of me and reminding me of what a great guy he was, these words just spewed from him:
I GAVE YOU ALL MY FREE TIME.
If that didn’t shut ME the F-up on the spot. Oh yeah. We weren’t spending time TOGETHER. I was now the selfish taker-upper of his precious time. And my presence, my time, I guess it wasn’t worth anything to him. Yes, he was the generous and giving one. Not only did I never get any of the “things” he promised, I also took all of his time. And because I AM uncomfortable “receiving” I never, until the end, asked why he wasn’t producing. I was the perfect candidate for future faking. “Please make me all these promises, because I will never hold you to them. I will never ask you or push you or remind you to GIVE me anything, even though you’ve promised. I want you to follow through because you mean it and because you WANT to.”
Or maybe intentions stated aren’t REALLY promises? Believing that he actually wanted to do things with me/for me and give me things without me ASKING OR BEGGING was new to me. And guess what? I STILL don’t know what it’s like because it was all make-believe.
@Ethelreda,
He DID also give me a tiny piece (bite sized) of foil wrapped candy for V day. Had I known that would be the last and pretty much only thing, maybe I’d have saved the wrapper too.
Hi Say Something,
I know you are uncomfortable receiving, but do you really think you were selfish in that relationship?
MJ
MJ, I guess once again even though logically I know I gave him the best of me, his words, actions, and lack of actions totally destroyed me and I continue to second guess myself.
Say Something,
I wasn’t there to see how things transpired between the two of you. But what I do know is you loved that guy. I feel it in what you write. Don’t second guess yourself. You know you gave your best. He is a liar. Damn he even pretends he didn’t drink. It is tough to handle when you had your heart into it and he had already moved on. Can you see now how deceptive he was?
You gave. He took. He took some more.
The worst part is not knowing what is ahead for you in the love department. Uncertainty makes this road much tougher. Will someone better show up to spend their life with you? Yes they will, but there is no given date. So, it creates angst and keeps you living in the past.
Don’t torture yourself. As I read posts on BR I see how many men are just full of crap. The crumbs that are tossed out. Shameful.
Is your pain getting any better? Has anything shifted for you?
Did you see the recent post by Oregon girl talking about creating a kick ass life for herself? INSPIRATIONAL. I went to Paris alone. Wanna hear something mind blowing. I ran into someone there I did a work project with. Amazing. If I had done one thing any different that day our paths may not have crossed on the other side of the world. WOW. No it was not a guy. I don’t like traveling alone, but this is my new reality. I m safe. I think it is better to keep doing things alone than just to sit at home BLUE. I have to give LOVE to myself. I am forcing myself to MOVE. Some days are bad and some are better. But things have shifted. I just hate the nightmares I still have. HORRIBLE.
Do you think of him daily? I think you are doing great. You are taking care of yourself and healing on your own timeline. You get up and go to work daily. You post so that you can air out your feelings in a safe place where you can get support. Congratulate yourself and keep trying everyday.
MJ
Thank you for the kind words MJ,
And thank you also for being understanding of me. It truly means alot and helps me to feel I am not completely crazy. Since my cease and desist with online dating last week I can’t say I feel any better, but I also don’t feel any worse. I’m sticking to this decision.
Yes I saw her (Oregon) posts and that is super motivation! I’m
Impressed that you traveled alone to Paris. Good for you and it reflects strong character and resolve in my eyes!
I do think of him still daily, yes. I guess that us what he gave me… A traumatic mindf@ck experience that I still can’t shake. I had no problem receiving this gift. Surprise!
I hope your nightmares lessen. I hope you’re still painting and buying shoes and giving yourself attention. You sound well and I hope you are 🙂
Can I see how deceptive he was? I don’t know if I see him as deceptive. I don’t know. I don’t know. Because people are allowed to change their minds right? At any moment. I’m not sure what’s normal/ healthy/ acceptable because I *thought* I’d found that. I feel like I gave myself away, to him, believing and trusting that it was OK. That it was safe. And right. And good. And real. I was wrong. And now I’m stuck. I’m like the gift forgotten under the tree that never got opened.
Say Something,
I saw a sign on the road today and thought of you. LOL. It said See Something Say Something. SMILE.
It just made me smile.
MJ
That slogan has to do with anti-terrorism; the idea is, if you see something suspicious, you should report it.
I KNOW!!!!!!
It is interesting now that I think about it. The ex never gave me anything that I could keep. He took me for a trip, dined and wined, and took out for bar outings and paid for everything, but he never got me anything as a present in the entire year. Not even a birthday present. I forgot all about it and had never put much thought to it.
All my adult life I was not comfortable receiving things from people. Whether gifts or compliments. The gifts I would accept but always with, “You should have not done this,” “Oh no, I hope it’s not too expensive,” “No, I don’t need anything, why would you go through trouble.” The same with compliments, “Oh no, I got this dress on sale, not a big deal,” “No, the test was easy to take, it’s not a big deal that I got a high score” and the list goes on. It was me. My personality. I wonder how I would react now to a gift. I have been pretty isolated and in the last year + of my retreat and healing, I haven’t had a chance to exercise the practice of receiving. One thing I noticed with all the internal work I have done for myself is that I am easier on receiving gifts for myself from myself. By gifts I mean things like relaxing, doing something for myself, taking care of me, etc. And by “easier” I mean that I recognize that I deserve being treated well from myself. There must be a connection. Once you can comfortably receive gifts from yourself(whatever they are, intangible too), you are probably ready to unconditionally, or at least, comfortably, receive things (actions, compliments also) from other people too. I think the entire thing about being a giver and not a receiver is about control and not feeling good enough about oneself. Once we heal, we balance these two roles and feel comfortable in both. Another thing about giving, without TMI, I was always a giver in the intimate life, and ignored the receiving part, almost to the point of sacrifice and ignoring my needs being met. Sexual life is tied to this aspect too. I am guessing many of us, who are over-givers, have a hard time really letting it go and enjoying ourselves because we simply can’t fully receive AND believe we deserve it. Great post. Provoked thoughts about different subjects and areas of life that involve giving and receiving.
Sofia,
I’m sure I’d convinced myself that I didn’t need/deserve any “thing” from him. The morning after my birthday (my friend had brought up the date in front of him a month or two earlier) I told him “yesterday was my birthday” and he asked why I hadn’t said anything. I replied that it was no big deal. Of course I was wondering why he didn’t make note of my friend saying it. And if he really hadn’t heard her, why didn’t he ever ask “hey, when is YOUR birthday?” because I’d acknowledged his a couple months earlier. After I left that morning, my birthday was never mentioned again. So I didn’t need “things” but, how about a little EEFORT. like your ex, BGE could simply pay for whatever. That was EASY. He made six figures MORE than I did. Just put a “1” in front of my annual salary. And I never asked for a penny. Well maybe once when we were in a store I picked out a candy bar that he paid for. Mark me down for .89 please.
Twi months later, on the day I showed up expecting to discuss our vacation plans, he excitedly told me (and then showed me) the motorcycle he’d just bought for his grown son. (Btw he owned several.) And never said a word about what he’d promised me. Never mentioned it, or apologized for being side-tracked or offered any explanation of why our plans just fell silent. And I went along with the script. Then he had me take videos of him test-driving it. I told myself, don’t be jealous. Don’t act disappointed. Don’t appear selfish. He just got distracted. People can change their minds, right? Because in just four days since I last saw him maybe he just stopped liking me but still wanted to spend the weekend with me? I wasn’t thinking like that THEN.
And re. TMI, the first wknd we were “together” he surprised me and went in for the kill. I actually said “I can’t believe I’m letting you do this”.
Sofia, now that you’ve realized/ remembered a lack of ever receiving a gift from him, has your perspective shifted, or does it just reinforce where you currently are right now?
Also this post makes me think of “love bombing” which I think was a technique used on me. I tried to ‘resist’ it and not buy in right away. But damn, after months of consistently being treated so well, I finally believed him.
Say Something,
The fact that I never received anything tangible from him, and now that I think about it with a clear mind, I understand it was done intentionally and strategically on his part. He never had any intention to have any kind of foothold in my life. Anything tangible would symbolize some kind of attachment to me. A commitment even. On my birthday I received a text from him at 10 p.m. “Happy Birthday, young girl!” or something like that. I had turned off the phone around 9 p.m. that evening. I got the message next day. We had been together at that point for 8 months. He did give me a present, which was related to going out and something that he liked to do. It was not related to anything that would be special and important to me that I could keep. Back then though, I had been already so invested that my rose-tinted glasses were cemented on. I was at the peak of my denial, minimizing, and rationalizing it all. My gut nudged me daily that it is over but I held on tight to him. It was a ripe situation for me to break off with him for many reasons. No gifts was just a symptom of it all. But that was ME back then. That’s how I WAS. I didn’t like myself. I settled for tiniest crumbs. His taking me out and being consistent in taking me out was a LOAF for starved, low-self esteem me, who had prior dated unsuccessfully after my marriage ended. He was the best example at that point of time for me (BGE at my then level, I could say back then, until the betrayal that ultimately ended our relationship, if you remember my story), and I couldn’t even think of finishing it, being alone, dating someone again, last chance saloon mentality also. I was intended to make it work. To compromise, to communicate, to discuss problems, to work on my issues, to let him work on his issues, etc etc., so the lack of gifts was so nothing to me back then. I was above it all, I thought. Above the materialism. He did make good money too and I didn’t want a thing from him and always offered to pay myself/my share when going out. The big next red flag was that he vehemently and aggressively refused to let me visit with him his friends or family during the holidays (he was from a different country), which is when it would have been almost a year together for us. And still I stayed. Those loud clear alarms were all sounding right around and after my birthday, and yet I closed my ears. I literally almost closed my ears and eyes. I was set on making this work.
I better cut this short. I think I am going through some recycling myself and that’s ok. I am not stuck. I have made such a huge progress. This post did remind of a lot of things. Of the things I deserve and give myself now. Of the things, and most importantly, actions, I had never gotten from him.
I need to rather focus on your question, I am rambling here. My answer to your question: both. The lack of gifts and not making me feel special (that’s what important, not gifts themselves obviously) reinforces my understanding that I didn’t mean anything to him. I was a passing time candidate for him. He put on his best performance, to his capability, but later when it got too much and too close, he bailed. He had been done for sometime already anyway. His limit was reached around 6 months in our relationship. I could feel it back then.
Now, 1,5 years later, my perspective has shifted towards this conclusion: I was a passing time candidate for him. Stings? Yes. Hurts? Yes. Kills? Almost did. But I am here. Alive. And moving on. With some setbacks, like today. Mary Jane, I too have dreams about the ex and they set me back for couple+ days. Feels heavy and dark. It’s ok. It will pass. I know the difference how I feel now in comparison to a year ago or even 6 months ago. There is a progress. It’s ok to have setbacks. Just keep moving forward.
I don’t want to hurt you, Say Something, but I think you were a passing time candidate for him too. Shelf-line, expiration. They had known from the start. Men know. Move on to next. That was their thinking. BGE’s and the ex’s. Perhaps even marry her. We were passing time candidates. Once you accept that, you will start moving on. I have finally accepted it.
My apologies for swaying from the subject somewhat. My post has been cathartic. This is the first time I admit that I was a passing time candidate for him. And yes, Say Something, people have freedom to choose to do what they want. Period. It is their life. Their choices.
It feels like a milestone to me. A huge milestone. Even though I have done tremendous work on myself. I think all this time I might have been still looking for why even if subconsciously. Somehow this post about under-receiving and over-giving, led me to some healthy recycling, reinforcement of the reality, purging, and catharsis.
An important thing to remember is it’s one of the first red flags in a relationship is when this lack of balance of giving/receiving starts happening. It’s not about gifts and stuff and not even about ability to give/receive and comparing who does what and how much more or less. It’s the balance and how it makes you feel. It is the harmony in a relationship. The scale is working in progress equalizing both sides. Whenever we over-give: we are not being healthy, and others are not treating us right if we feel ok under-receiving from them and feel bad for not giving more and more. The key is balance! And of course, most importantly, self-esteem, the bottom line and foundation we are all working on here. From that stems all the rest.
Always interesting to read your posts Sofia. I completely agree about the key – balance. That also means that you really see and care about each other, so that even though there might be periods when one gives more, the goal is to restore balance so that both people in the relationship feel whole and equal, as Natalie teaches. I think this is somehow connected to the tipping point Natalie always talks about too: I think that the concept of expecting something back is not wrong per se, but with takers it simply doesn’t work. Takers are drug addicts, they take more and more, just like givers are addicts, when they compulsively give. So I’ve come to the conclusion that in a relationship that is not working, the healthier person is the one who calls it off. Knowingly, I mean, like in We have to stop, not like in I dump you and immediately go looking for another substitute (Say Something and Mary Jane’s stories come to mind). The latter would be the case where one unwittingly did you a favour, as Natalie again explains somewhere.
Also, I don’t know where you are in the looking for a therapist business, but I always have the impression that you are so ahead of everything, that I wonder how much more a therapist would add to what you already know/have understood. I know for sure that 1 therapist out of the 20 I have met in the last few years was as life-wise as you are now. Just saying. Best, V.
Thank you, V.! I have read so much material on psychology, spiritual growth, and Nat’s posts in the last year + that that probably has contributed to my growing self-awareness and understanding. I did see the therapist couple times but decided not to continue. She did reveal some helpful points, but I realized that at this point I can cope myself. I would have needed her help a year ago, no doubt.
However, I might need help as I am still rediscovering my past (childhood) and realize a lot what has happened was influenced directly from childhood experiences. For all of us. On the other hand, I am growing spiritually and that’s totally another perspective, although connected with healing your psyche, but that helps me to come to peace with myself without all the analysis that goes with psychology applications.
As the next post of Nat mentions: honesty with yourself, even if brutal and hurtful, does wonders. I remember when I read Nat’s posts for the first time back in February-April last year, I was so hurt by the truth, it was painful to read! I recognized myself so much in every one of those articles and the comments.
On the topic of over-giver and under-receiver, again, some people are fulfilled by such scenario (giving to others unconditionally) and I don’t think anything is wrong with that as long as the giving person is feeling fine about it (with no self-deception and rose-tinted glasses). It’s all about the balance and whether what you are doing aligns with your values. It’s not about some formula: I call/e-mail/text my friend this number of times per month and she does only that. I do this and they do that and let’s count who does more/less. Do what’s right for you and your values, as far as giving/receiving goes.
Did we date the same man??
Say Something,
“And I went along with the script.” And that is exactly where you lost yourself and your self-esteem, making compromises that did not align with you and your values.
You did not know that back then, but now you do!!!!
SO, why is he still BGE, why does he deserve that title?
“And re. TMI, the first wknd we were “together” he surprised me and went in for the kill. I actually said I can’t believe I’m letting you do this”.
A man who CARES about you would NOT do this to you and if they do and you talk about your discomfort it will be acknowledged and shows up in their behavior. This was in your first month and he did not care then or later,
SO, why is he still BGE, why does he deserve that title?
“But damn, after months of consistently being treated so well, I finally believed him.”
Okay, where is that good treatment of yours? and honestly being treated well is the ABSOLUTE basic thing between two people because anything short of that would not even pass as pleasant company…
SO, why is he still BGE, why does he deserve that title?
I am sorry, I am shaking my head, as I wish you could see/read what I see…this man was SCUM from the very beginning and you did not know, but now you know!! He is not special at all, he is only special that he behaved like a textbook Assclown, please rip him off that pedestal, I wish you had the right type of “anger” that I am having now reading this. It is helpful to feel all those feeling especially that disgust with how he behaved. It is the lowest of the lowest, can’t you see that? Sorry for the intensity,
But this behavior is just plain unacceptable!!!
I’m reading over and over what I wrote this morning and it looks like I’m defending him somewhat. Because it was all so subtle, and spread out, I didn’t feel any negative impact or warning signs at the time.
Could what seemed mutual to me really instead have been a lopsided give and take relationship, so finely managed and executed that I bought in? Probably like many of you, I didn’t think anything of “giving” because it felt normal and just part of who I am and what I do.
But why am I still struggling with letting go of the BGE title? Because I thought that’s who he was. Because I wanted him to be which would mean that I’d get an answer that makes sense for why he disappeared. Because what if he is the BGE and I’m just picking on these little things that ARE normal and acceptable? Because I still miss him. Because I thought he liked me. Because I was in love with this guy. Because I’m still working on deprograming my wrongful beliefs about him. Because I’m so disappointed in thinking I’d finally found a good guy, that the ‘search’ was over, and that I could finally breathe. Because I’m so horribly disappointed in myself for believing him. Because I’ve never felt so deeply for anyone like this in my life. And I’ve never felt so betrayed. Because I haven’t reached acceptance of all that I still need to. And because this is the absolute harshest reality and biggest disappointment I’ve ever had to face. Struggling, but trying.
Hi Sofia,
I’m sorry my question triggered painful memories. I know we discussed many similarities in our BR stories. Of course I remember your story; the horrible ending, but also the wonderful advice and growth you’ve shared.
“The fact that I never received
anything tangible from him, and now that I think about it with a clear mind, I understand it was done intentionally and strategically on his part. He never had any intention to have any kind of foothold in my life. Anything tangible would symbolize some kind of attachment to me. A commitment even.”
I’ve wondered the same. It seems so mean and calculated though, so I haven’t been able to “go there” fully. It’s purposeful withholding; managing down. You accepted it. I accepted it. And we both felt betrayed in the end.
In the aftermath, when I sent him a letter, still begging for answers and pouring out my feelings, I did say that I believed I was merely a stopgap for him. Of course he would never admit to that, and in an email reply called me harsh, critical, and chastising. The same man who had never been anything but kind, thoughtful, and attentive was no longer there.
I keep trying to figure out how he was so good at throwing me off track. I didn’t have the red flags like you mention. I just don’t know. I just don’t know.
My friend sent me this article on deception. Some people are just so good and pick the right targets:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201506/the-drama-deception
You also said:
“The lack of gifts and not making me feel special (that’s what important, not gifts themselves obviously) reinforces my understanding that I didn’t mean anything to him. I was a passing time candidate for him. He put on his best performance, to his capability, but later when it got too much and too close, he bailed.”
When I was with him, I DID feel good. I guess that was the performance he put on. But all the future faking, which is no different than making and breaking promises aka LYING, tells a story so different from the one I believed.
It seems so messed up… When I actually believed that I was going to “receive” the things he promised; when I actually was looking forward to it, and excited, and thinking it was real, instead, I ended up with nothing. And wow. Talk about the biggest letdown. Ever. It reinforced the ‘I am undeserving and unloveable and I must’ve done something so wrong’ to have everything (the entire relationship, really) taken away like some sick punishment. But I do know I didn’t *do* anything wrong. Beyond that, I have no idea. I don’t even want to open cards anymore. In fact I know I got a bday card this year that I never opened, and I received several Christmas cards that I didn’t open either.
Say Something,
Thanks for sharing this interesting article. Many people are betrayed. Like me she was engaged and found out who he really was before she walked down the aisle with him.
Lonely, but at least I didn’t make the MISTAKE that could have really cost me dearly and ended in DIVORCE. He was going to marry me and continue to cheat.
You said,
Talk about the biggest let down. Ever. It reinforced the ‘I am undeserving and unloveable and I must’ve done something so wrong’ to have everything (the entire relationship, really) taken away like some sick punishment.
What you said is sad. You are not unloveable.
You also said,
Beyond that, I have no idea. I don’t even want to open cards anymore. In fact I know I got a bday card this year that I never opened, and I received several Christmas cards that I didn’t open either.
This situation has made you lose HOPE. You don’t even want to open cards. Is there anything you enjoy doing NOW? How do you find JOY?
MJ
As a teen, my parents gave me money in lieu of attention.
But
I’m an adult now, and a generous one. Yet, today I will take any gift I am offered, express sincere thanks and get on with my life.
Pertinent subject, as I have in the past based much of my self worth on my being needed by others. Give give give. And surprise! I attract takers! And I don’t get to excersize my receiver muscle. I’m now working steadily on improving my receivership. Feels good! Great post- many thanks!
Had it…again. I feel I give too much by even going on a date, it’s like I get hopeful and bang, I get hit with reality. Is it possible that some people just never get to have the good relationship? I am tired of being alone, but it’s not tired of me.
Went on 2 dates with a new guy I met at a party, and was supposed to have one tonight, he didn’t even call! He called on Friday and left a VM asking if we could go to a movie tonight, I called him back and left a message saying, yes, call me back and we can make a plan. He didn’t call to say he’s not available, nothing, just didn’t bother to call or email. What the what??
whatever,
Flush him. Don’t even get frustrated and waste your energy. I know it sucks to get hopeful after a period of being alone and wanting to start something. And again and again and again. That’s why I don’t even try and don’t want to anymore. That area of my life feels cut off permanently. Something is gone. I feel completely done now. Not closed off to potential relationships, but done trying myself and looking. They will literally have to drop from the sky. I am not searching and waiting anymore. There is so much more to life than men and relationships. There really is.
I know it’s maddening. But please spare your health and energy. Just forget about him. Erase and flush. Luckily just 2 dates only.
I’d let that one get away! If you changed your mind, planned something else, whatever, just put on your big boy pants and call and say so!
Veracity
I did send him an email calling him a jerk, and he did respond maturely, he apologized and said he got busy with work and that he is interested in me and thinks I’m great and wants to see where it can lead to.
Anyways, I told him it will go nowhere if he doesn’t communicate and he responded he thinks it’s romantic that we had our first fight and that he will pull up his socks and communicate better.
When I see him next, I will let him know what my idea of romance is, respect, candle light dinners etc. He is pretty funny and generally easy going albeit absent minded. I’ll see how it goes…
so long as you come after work… when HE feels like it… if he remembers… is this really on your list of wants in an equal loving relationship?
he just met me, I don’t expect him to drop everything for me yet, need to give it some time.
Be careful, Whatever. I hope that counts as his 1 and only benefit of the doubt pass.
no, it’s 3 strikes and you’re out.
I can’t expect him to be perfect. I want to see how and if we can work together, I think that’s what makes relationships work.
Late to this, but you are setting yourself up, Whatever. There is no relationship here yet. You two did not have the “cute first fight”…and if you are thinking you two are IN a relationship, you are wrong. And please don’t use the “we’re taking it slow” line. You two don’t. know. each. other. yet.
Please slow your roll. And date another person along with dating this guy. YOU GET TOO FOCUSED ON ONE GUY WAY TOO EARLY. You have not yet begun the discovery, and you are already beginning to build sandcastles in the air “I can’t expect him to be perfect”…Uh….yes you can. In the beginning is when they show you who they are. So right now he has shown you he will break a tentative date without calling, then be “cute” if you confront him…and obviously being cute works on you.
Would you accept this from a plumber….?….”I’ll see you Saturday”…then no call….? You’d ditch that plumber, rightfully so, and look for a new plumber. Because YOUR time and schedule is worth consideration. You would not couch the plumber mishap as a “cute first fight”.
This man is going to use you, Whatever. You are showing him you are prime material for getting used.
In my last AC relationship… I associated dinner, movies, any kind of gift with sex. Because it was standard that it would follow immediately. So, I didn’t enjoy dating much because I would never think that someone wanted to actually get to know me, that their only intention was sex. And yes, men do think that… Of course. But, in my mind… It was all they thought about, and that was all I was good for. So. It made me enjoy sex and dating a lot less.
I recently started dating someone where I held off on the physical aspect until I felt good about it. And he’s been giving and consistent and is very sensitive to my needs, and I’ve practiced being okay with receiving because I know it makes him happy to give to me.
Very wise, Natalie – very wise again.
I am just checking in to say hi to everyone – I’ve been away for months now, I know, but I do lurk from time to time to see how everyone’s going.
I have also been having THERAPY – woo hoo! – for the childhood sexual and other forms of abuse. It’s amazing. I’m a serial therapy-shirker; I used to go for a few sessions and feel better and then stop (like people who don’t finish the course of antibiotics).
And part of the reason was exactly this above. I couldn’t justify to myself the time and expense of therapy, even though I needed it desperately. It was for ‘me’, which put it at the bottom of the list of priorites. I still feel embarrassed when the therapist honours my courage to come to the sessions. It’s a long slow process of learning to receive.
But what amazed me was how much all my inner work for years has paid off – it’s been only 7 sessions so far, and I found that after the first session I immediately felt a lot of relief. I set goals and I think we are meeting them already.
There is a lot to be said for the benefits of books and blogs in the self-help area. But really, I do think there comes a time when you have to bite the bullet and talk to a qualified, objective stranger about it all, in real life. And the more honest you are, the quicker the pain recedes, and the better the help you can get.
Tearing off that bandaid … ow …
I have always been an over giver and horrible at receiving. Part of what has turned me around was the negative effects it had in my last relationship. I realised how much work I needed to do on myself …and that continues.
I feel like I’m rebuilding myself and it feels wonderful.
Thanks Nat,
describing this issue so clearly is a great help for me. And the comments show that I am not alone. Of course I see this from the male perspective and I am aware that we may be in the minority on this site.
But it hits the nail on the head as many other great posts.
Thanks again, I am keen to read any new post immediately, so helpful….
The first of my stepmothers would demand gratitude if she gave you anything, even food, the clothes on your back. Forced gratitude sucks. I kinda was of the opinion that parents were SUPPOSED to provide those things for ones children. If you chose to leave, you were sposed to leave behind everything she gave you. For a long time, I had difficulty receiving as I wondered what strings were attached. Was the giving genuine or a form of manipulation? I was guilty of over giving as I was reared that taught me that giving is how you earn love and respect. Am over that big time. When a couple of the desperate locals, both hoarders, tried to constantly give me stuff I did not want, I understood how creepy this feels. If I have a need to give, I carefully consider the situation first. I am free with compliments yet again am careful. I no longer give holiday gifts but sometimes give at random. True giving has no expectation of being reciprocated.
These last two articles have really fired up my memory, and I’m gaining understanding as to why I do certain things. Right now, my brain is flooded with new insights.
Revisiting these memories isn’t as scary or painful, as I thought they would be.
Thank you Natalie. 🙂
I’ve done this all!my life. Did it with the AC who recently beamed himself to the other end of the country and gone incommunicado since. Always mademhuge efforts for occasions as was mynway of showing how much I cared. Never ever reciprocated. 4 months on still struggling to deal with him having a loved up happy life while I am a lonely gin drinking wreck. People say I’m a lovely person but even a complete ****** ran away so doesn’t add up. I think it is OK to want to give if you love someone but is nneds to be reciprocated. Wish this pain would end. Can’t accept this it it for me in life now.
There is a separation of who I am from what I do, or, give, or accomplish. Whatever I do or give or accomplish can be appreciated and/or applauded, but it isn’t a prerequisite for self-love, -esteem, -respect, -worth, -…, -….
Over-giving isn’t a substitute for real intimacy.
The receiving is subjective, received in the psyche of the receiver, … unguaranteed, and it can go unnoticed, or desensitize the receiver over time.
I used to be a giver. Still am at times, but have been so taken advantage of by friends, family and partners that I have resentments about doing anything for anyone.
I used to work as a hair stylist and my family would always want their hair done. I would buy the supplies, drive to their homes, do the cutting and coloring, hi-lighting and stying and get nothing. It finally got to a point where I told them that I would do their hair, but they would have to pay for the products I use and come to my home. And guess what? They stopped asking me and started going to a salon by their homes and paying $100 or more!
My ex would do nice things for me, but as our relationship progressed I realized that these “gifts” came with a price. At my college graduation (I went back to school and graduated at age 30 with a psychology degree! Ironic) he got us a suite at a nice hotel in the city and when I said I was too tired from the day with the ceremony and family and friends, pictures etc. he got mad and said he wasted his money on the room and said I was ungrateful and pouted the rest of the night. It was awful.
I went on a vacation with his family and all expenses were paid by his family. Well when we returned from the vacation he got mad and said I was a user and used him and his family for a free vacation. I was shocked and this set the tone for the rest of our relationship, with me feeling like I needed to pay and even things out for fear he would say I was cheap or a user…. Which he said frequently anyway regardless if I paid or not. Because of this I also felt worried when he would pay for things and anxious because I felt like it was my turn now and I better do something for him soon so he doesn’t say anything. It was sick. It really messed with my head. It never actually mattered what I did or didn’t do because he would tell me quite a but that he did everything and was giving all of himself and that I was doing nothing. It sucked.
I used to consistently over give in almost every area of my life. I was trained to give/sacrifice. When I realized how resentful I started to feel about the lack of reciprocation, I started cutting back. Now I pay attention to whether or not the person really needs it/wants it and if they also give to me or do they just take. Takers are drawn to givers and I suppose vice versa.
I have been working on giving to myself for the last few years and at first it felt very selfish…but after a while it became natural! Now I cannot imagine not doing the nice things that I do for myself on a daily basis. I’m a much better receiver too. Still blush (shame) and feel self conscious a lot of the time, but manage to say a sincere thank you and leave it at that! I’m also much better at asking for what I want/need. I believe they go hand in hand.
I’ve kicked the takers in my life to the curb. I am worthy of receiving.
I just realized I am a chronic over-giver. Chronic. Why do I do this? I guess I fear no one will meet me on my level so I have to be in this ever pursuit of the unattainable as to not be totally alone. Fuck it. Being alone is so much better than continuously being friendly with people who really don’t give a shit.
I am so mad at myself right now. I stand my ground with family and ex lovers but basically let my “friendships” run amuck. I thought, “No biggie, it’s not like friendships get that deep or relevant right?” Bs. Because the result of that thinking is I have wasted so much valuable time on people who could really care less about being significantly & honestly involved in my life.
Done. I am done being pseudo friends with people who constantly do the hot cold friendship thing. These fools do the “I’m so friendly; you are so interesting” and then turn cold as ice humiliating me in public or leaving me scratching my head like “what’s wrong with me?!?” The only thing wrong with me is my behavior putting up with this shit.
Basically, I have deep emotional connections or experiences with these people and once they get past the aura of my career pursuit and rightly see I am all human at the core just like them, they go cold and act as if I’m needy or irrelevant. Umm, no. Superficial pricks.
But you know? My responsibility in this is that I was over responsive to people initially putting me on a pedestal. I recently ran into an old friend I rejected on account of my ego. Because he is honest and real, I thought at the time he wasn’t glamorous when in effect he was responsive to me and sincerely cared of aspects of my life. I shut that friendship down so quick (now I see I ran before it could get real substance). When I ran into him today, I saw for the first time in a while a human who sincerely would relate to me. It felt good for both–not like power plays and rejection on my end.
Truth is, there are people who respect me in my honesty. No it’s not all flowers and peacocks, and may be gritty at times, but it’s consistent, responsible & real.
Truth is, I reject near (if not) everyone & everything that meets me on an authentic level. wtf. Shit. This shit on my part stops now.
I have so many opportunities to stay in the real and actually build relationships with people, places, and things, yet I keep running to the people, places and things that reject me time and time and time again. Familiarity? That’s sure an awful reason to never have a life adequately lived or experienced. I am so frustrated with me right now.
@Peanut,
Chasing a feeling?
Any yes, like you said “Busy is bs.”. Sometimes the busiest people make the most time for who and what matters.
Say Something and Peanut,
Yes, that Big BUSY word. Everyone is so busy.
Had we not had cell phones and therefore texting & e-mailing capabilities, would we have had any friends left at all? What happened to people getting together? Talking using voice, facial movements, and body gestures without having to press “Send” button.
Everyone is so busy. I hear it all the time. Interestingly, as technology gets faster and faster, people’s lives are not relieved, they are getting busier. The giving and receiving might not even become possible and hence relevant if everyone is too busy to give to others and receive from them?!
My communication with couple females friends are pretty much by text and e-mail only. I have given up inviting/initiating. I see one of them once in about 8 months (she lives 15 minutes away from me) and another one once in about 3 months for business related reason. She lives about 15 minutes away from me too. The other two friends have families and kids. So they are too busy to meet as well. Maybe once a year. I have accepted but noticed that texting/e-mailing friendship has started wearing me out emotionally. I would like to cut or stop and start meeting in person to discuss once in a while instead of texting. Something I need to figure out what to do. Texting relationships do not align with my view on relationships any longer. Sometimes I want to get rid of a smartphone and get a simple non-texting plan phone that can be used for phone calls only, but then I realize I will have cut my communication from them completely…
I also feel such a fool that I let the “what if” thinking run & discern my friendships. I kept thinking “what if he/she is going through a tough time at work, busy w/ other friends, etc.” (like wtf? I’m not important enough to be in that category?!!)
The truth is even when my grandmother (my closest living relative) was just diagnosed with cancer, I didn’t blow people off. I let them know what was going on. Busy is bs. I have a friend who is a full-time student, has a job, designs clothing in his spare time, as well as explores being an independent entrepreneur. Response time when I text him? Not much more than a day at the most.
Actions speak the loudest. That’s hard to comprehend because that means I have invested scads of time in whole heap loads of people who never really deserved it.
Three years of BR and I totally overlooked my social life and denied what was really going on. It’s time to invest in me. (The thing is these people I’m trying to please/pursue maintain how selfish it is to focus primarily on ones self; funny the people who actively demonstrate their care for me are the most self-focused).
I can turn this thing around. I can make my life about living for me. If I made my life about fitting in, why can’t I make it about treating me well on the daily. I figure if I take all the (mostly negative) energy that goes toward these people and apply it to my life in the positive, i.e., career/responsibilities/problem solving & whose to say I can’t kick this waste of space “psuedo friendship” problem?
I got this.
This is kind of me and kind of not me. I’m certainly an “over-giver” (or so my supervisor – I’m a social worker – tells me). I am constantly giving just because i can and I am always conscious of how a person might be feeling and how this or that gift or service might benefit them. I would also describe myself as “under-receiving” but not because I have any problem receiving gifts, more because I tend to attract “takers” so am perhaps not provided with a lot of opportunities for receiving. I have been told by friends from time to time that my independence (not “needing” anything from anyone) is intimidating to people who are givers and makes them avoid me. One girlfriend even told me I have to act needier to attract a generous partner hahaha
Say Something,
“Chasing a feeling?” Spot on. The whole chasing rejection, then crumb, then high rinse lather repeat. I had a huge laugh to myself today when I gleaned some info that I was hardly a factor with the people I was so upset over. And then I so sweetly realized I can just walk away no animosity.
I also ate huge heapings of humble pie when I couldn’t run from the fact that I reject, based on superficial reasons, the very people who do show they care. I have this thorn from slamming myself against situations that are not positive and then acting as if no one is trustworthy.
Sofia,
I’m glad I caught your comment. This has been on my mind lately. In some ways I benefit from technology, though at times I wonder the cost.
I have friends that I mostly text with and only see occasionally. I accept those interactions for what they are (probably not enough) and don’t expect much more…but I do find that now if I go more than a few weeks without seeing the people I am close to, I feel exceedingly uncomfortable. It just doesn’t sit well & I reach out to hang out. I do have a friendship with someone who is very much an in person type of person (that was funny to write I don’t know why/only in the twenty-first century would someone use that expression) and she sincerely likes being around beings.
Though I don’t know if I’d have been as open to her friendship had I still been pursuing more frustrating ones.
I think the key is a dreaded word for me: balance. It’s never been my specialty but it is important in friendships along with honesty and mutuality.
I don’t know the answers but thinking about it is good.
Fascinating…I do have both giving and receiving issues, confirmed by a dream last night in which a prominent player in the ballet world gave me a shiny new red Honda CBR500 (my scooter died a couple weeks ago), but I felt I couldn’t accept it for some bullshit reason (à propos of current BR post). I then went to my “Harem Chairman” to ask what he thought and woke up just as he was about to smack me and go, “WTF is the matter with you?! I’d just set an intention for you to get a nice new bike!” I’ve got my work cut out for me….