New relationships are daunting if not downright terrifying when you’re worried that it’s all going to belly-up, not because you have any reason to back up that concern but more because you’ve already lived out the entire relationship in your head and been broken up with a thousand times. Thinking about how it might not work out is a way of protecting you so that you don’t allow you to get too comfy. Of course, the side effect of this is that you end up stressed out to the max and using worry to essentially pray for what you don’t want.
Worry distorts perspective and doesn’t leave room for love.
It’s all too easy to forget once you jump on the worry train of thoughts that everyone has a past that includes a relationship not working out or unrequited love, or pain from painful experiences. Instead, you decide that because you’ve had a past that it’s going to follow you into your present and future. You might go a step further and decide that because your partner has previous relationships that it spells doom for you. Sure, this is understandable when they’ve been a shady partner but then your problem, in this case, isn’t about whether you’re going to get dumped from a height. If anything, what you need to explore is Why am I hoping that this person will make me the exception to their rule of behaviour and all while ignoring code amber and code red warnings that something’s up in funky town?
But judging a partner based purely on the fact that they have a past (He-llo, even babies do! It’s called time ticking by!) or on their past relationships not working out is a tad unfair.
When you’re scared in a new relationship and struggling to relax because you don’t know the middle and end of the plot, you want Mystic Meg to come along and say, “Yes it’s going to work out” or “No it’s not”. Or, you want the end date so that you can privately accept failure from the outset and feel safe in knowing that your fears and the story that you tell yourself are true. That’s not how new relationships work, though, and unfortunately, if you already have one foot out of the relationship and are imagining the end and in fact, living it time and again while making predictions, you are not present in your relationship and are showing lack of commitment.
If you’re not truly in this relationship, that’s a problem that needs to be cleaned up, especially if your reasons for not being committed are not on the merits of this relationship. It’s a sign that your avoidance of intimacy and commitment are about unresolved feelings about previous relationships and experiences.
When you don’t trust yourself, it makes you unable to trust in your partner or the relationship.
You will need to give this relationship 100% because relationships are 100:100, not 50:50, so you need to manage your feelings and behaviour and let him/her manage theirs. You have to work with them as part of the team of your relationship. It’s tricky to be a team player though if you are secretly carving an escape route out of your relationship boat or have your eye on the dinghies so that you can jump into the waters and say, “HA! I bloody knew that I was right not to get too invested in this relationship! They all end the same way.”
It’s OK to have wobbles but if you are feeling rocky about being in a new relationship, take it as a code amber alert to get grounded.
So many people say to me, “Natalie, I’m worried that my partner’s going to decide that we’re not a good fit?” Who are these partners? Relationship royalty? The Grand Poobah? You have a say too!
It’s not about you finding out if you’re the “right” one for them; you need to show up and decide if this relationship and person are right for you. You’re not being ‘picked’ because that puts you in a rather passive role. What you need to be asking is, Do I believe that this relationship is a good fit? If I were to find that it isn’t, would I do the right thing and call it?
This is a two-person relationship, not an audition process where this person holds the key to your happiness. If that’s the way it feels, take a parachute and jump.
It’s also time to ask, Am I being myself in this relationship? Let’s imagine what it’s like when you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop (something I did in the early months of my relationship with my now-husband). You look for problems, you don’t look for evidence of positivity. You’re on edge, watching yourself all the time in case you ‘mess up’ and reading into things as if it’s the past. You are not yourself because everything becomes about whether you are saying and doing the wrong thing. There’s this sense, this pervasive fear that it could all slip away. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a fast track to self-sabotage.
If this relationship isn’t going to work out, it’s not going to work out.
Now, it can either not work out and you spend the whole time worrying (praying for what you don’t want to happen), anticipating doom, feeling ill at ease, etc., or you can step up and be present in your relationship. When you do the latter, whatever the outcome, you know that you gave it your all, that you enjoyed yourself. You know you didn’t spend the entire relationship looking over your shoulder for Freddy Kreuger the relationship killer.
There’s no magic bullet for trust and relaxing. You have to choose the thoughts, choose the words, and choose the actions each day. It means having to recommit over and over again. You talk back to your inner critic and don’t denigrate your relationship by throwing it under a bus when you decide that you’re not in the mood or there’s a disagreement.
Granted, there are big code red issues that spell the end of a relationship, but conflict, criticism, getting to know each other, are all part of a relationship. It’s not fair to your partner or you that you’re ready to throw in the towel each time a thought passes by, or they do something that you think could spell doom because you’re looking for evidence to support an underlying decision that you’ve already made about you failing or them being just like the past.
Dating is a discovery phase. Do your due diligence.
- Is this partner similar to previous partners?
- Are you thinking, feeling or behaving similarly with this partner as you have with previous partners? If so, what is it that you’re thinking, etc., and why? What can you learn from the similarities that will help you to recognise how you can take care of you?
- Are you an equal partner in this relationship? If not, why?
- Are you being yourself? If not, why?
- Are you personally secure, including knowledgeable about your values, boundaries, etc? If not, now is the time to put extra effort into working on these areas. A partner can’t do this for you, and without self-knowledge, you can’t make decisions from a secure place.
- If you were in a code red situation whether it is with this partner or anybody else, would you step up?
- Do you trust you? If not, why? How do you intend to resolve this? Try a Feelings Diary and Unsent Letters.
You can only make a decision about this relationship with the best of the knowledge that you have at the time.
You don’t need to make a perfect decision. What you need is to be conscious, aware and present so that you know whether you’re an actual good fit. It’s not about just evaluating him/her but also getting a sense of your own happiness and contentment within this relationship.
Use Unsent Letters to work out the overhanging feelings about past experiences and change the story. Get clear on what was really behind the end of previous relationships. Locate the blessing in disguise in them not working out, because you know what? If you want to give it a shot with your current partner, it’s right that those past relationships didn’t progress. You cannot be available for this relationship if you’re still on some level working off of the belief that you ‘should’ be in your old relationship.
You do not need to be perfect. Breathe. Your whole life does not hang in the balance on this person. Dating isn’t life support! You will be OK. Trust in you.
Your thoughts?
Also, check out episode one of the Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast. I talk about knowing when you’re ready to date again.
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Creepily timed post! Absolutely perfect!
Natalie, a very big thank you to you. I’ve been on your website pretty much every single day the last year and a half. I had a horrible breakup that wrecked my health and I had to give up on my education, move back in with my parents, and see the AC waltz on. I can’t tell you how much your posts have saved me and made me stronger. So much so that I finally got the courage to give an amazing guy a chance and I’ve never been happier. He understands me, looks after me and yet we have our own lives. It’s the sort of relationship I’d read about on here as something I would be able to create once I worked on myself. This post just reaffirmed everything. You’re so amazing Natalie– thank you so so so much for this amazing blog. You’ve got me through such a horrible period of my life.
Sofia
It is very heart warming to hear that from you. I think most of us are looking a new phase like yours. Can you elaborate more about working on yourself?
Hugs
Just FYI, this is a different Sofia. I started posting around March 2014. I am not in a relationship and have been single since after the breakup in January 2014.
Snap! I’ve been waiting to meet a guy who would pass the BR checklist and it’s happened. He’s everything I could ask for in a partner and it’s easy, there’s no drama. When I read your post it made me realise that, yes this is different and it is good. I’ve been holding back out of fear but new year, new me!
Best of luck for 2016 🙂
This is great. I am trying really hard to trust again after my break up 6 months ago. He left me for another girl and it still eats me alive. I want to get to a place where this doesn’t hurt so I can give a new relationship a real shot. Does anyone have any tips on how to heal? I feel like it’s taking such a toll on me, and when I think about it rationally, he wasn’t even always a nice guy.
Sara, healing is having to go through the hurt rather than sidestepping and/or seeing the hurt from another place. Only then when the hurt is given the necessary comfort i.e. questioning the pain that most likely includes a lot more deeper stuff going on underneath (such as abandonment/rejection issues of self for example). Hurt can also teach you about boundaries and eventually being able to respect the choice of the ex leaving which by no means reflects on who you are as your own unique lovable person. For starters listen to the rational side telling you he wasn’t a great catch after all bringing the focus back on yourself and nurturing the part that has been hurt by all this. Not a good idea to continue eating yourself up over someone who wasn’t able/didn’t have it in him to offer you the best. Warm hugs.
Sara, sorry this is a bit late but I can relate. I was left for another 6 months ago too. All I can tell you is it takes time, It gets a little easier every day. I use to wake up thinking about him and I still do, but he’s not in the forefront of my mind anymore. As cliche as this advice sounds it’s true…keep yourself busy with work, exercise, hobbies or what not and focus on yourself. Whatever you do, try not to be bored, thats when negative thoughts start rolling in. Like the saying goes “an idle mind is the devils workshop”. When you feel bored, get up and do something, anything! If you look around, there’s always something to do 🙂
If you’re like me, I haven’t even started dating again yet. I’ve turned down a few guys because I’m just not ready. Something that has helped me is talking to my friends and meeting new people, not dating them just having friendly conversation. It’ll remind you that there’s other people out there to get to know and life does goes on.
Even 6 months later I still get emotional at times but I have to remind myself that he wasn’t in the relationship like I was. There was a lot of “future faking” going on in my case so it’s been a little harder to get over. Recently I was upset with myself because I still felt like I wasn’t over him after 6 months and yet he had moved on with his life WAY before me. It’s like I was mourning a non existent person or stranger at this point. Then I realized that everyone moves on at different rates, depending on the circumstances, and when they are ready. Theres no time limit on heartbreak. But you WILL be over it one day and that’s what’s important.
Sorry for the long post! I hope some of what I said helps a little. I’m not sure what the circumstances were in your case but everything takes time, just take it day by day and most importantly take care of YOU. Hugs
Reading this post made me see just how ready I am for this. I’m done with being scared and not trusting myself, nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out he doesn’t want me anymore. That’s how I did dating, and it’s probably why I hated it and avoided dating, leaving me with few experiences. But I’m ready now. I feel I’m stronger and I trust myself. And this time, I’m also there, evaluating him, seeing if I even want him for a relationship. It’s a more calm, powerful, grounded place. I hope I get to try this soon.
Nat, it’s always amazing how your posts seem so relevant to me. I’m so thankful for you articulating this wisdom. I can’t tell you how much it has helped in the past nearly 3 years since I separated from my lying cheating husband. This post was very relevant now. Finally after nearly 3 years I started becoming interested in a man from work. He seemed so nice, kind and fun. But I still not sure if I trust my judgement. We have only met up once out of work & I dropped by his place to visit since I was going that way, so tonite I suggested we catch up again but this time in the location where I would be, he suggested come to his place. This infuriated me, it made me feel like he didn’t make any effort or bother to think about an interesting place to go to have a drink. Firstly im very happy that I clearly said to him that I thought his response was rude and inconsiderate. I feel like in the past I would not have even had the courage to express my point of view like that. He said he was geniunely surprised that I took his message in that way and that I was angry and that he was upset that he had caused that. we talked for a long time on the phone & I feel happy that I got that off my chest. But I’m still annoyed that he was so rude & inconsiderate it felt like he wouldn’t bother to come to me & expected me to come to him. I did this in my previous relationship, I was the one who organised everything, I was the one who made all the plans & I was the one who worked at keeping the relationship. I never want to take that full
Responsibility on my shoulders again. Therefore I responded in an angry way. I’m not sure if I over reacted, I don’t think so. I’m not sure if I want to go out with this mam again. Does anyone have any advice / interpretation of the situation?
This is so me right now…
I’ve been dating for the last 2-3 years and it’s always the same outcome: me realising that the guy I’m seeing is a complete tool after a couple months – usually after I’ve already jumped the gun by sleeping with him (patience has never been a virtue of mine). However, I’ve been dating this really cool, sweet guy for the last 6 weeks who is the complete opposite of what I usually would go for, and the whole situation is utterly terrifying for me. He’s done absolutely nothing for me to lack trust in him, and has made it clear that he really likes me and enjoys our time together (no sex has been had yet), but I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s going to end up being a massive let down like all the others before him. I know I should relax and enjoy the ride (I’m managing to keep my inner voices in check so far), but just when I’m present (in the moment) and really enjoying myself with him – I feel a wave of queasiness/anxiety wash over me as the voice in my head reminds me not to get too comfortable as he might be gone by the end of the month.
I’m really struggling to ‘let go’ and hold faith that all will work out in the end – mainly because nothing has ever worked out in the past. How do I get rid of this constant sense of impending doom? Is it something that will dissipate once I develop trust for him? I wish I could get happy and excited about our blossoming romance – but every time I do, reality claps back and reminds me where I’ve come from and what a crummy track record I have.
I haven’t even told anyone about seeing him because I’m scared that the moment I open up and tell people, it’ll fall apart like it always does in the past. What do I do???
A very astute post! These are precisely the thoughts and anxieties that have occurred from time to time in my current relationship, and I’ve gone through the exact processes Natalie describes.
I can only describe it as allowing yourself to be safely and lovingly re-conditioned by someone who has proven to you (by consistent behaviour, not words) that they are trustworthy of the task and dedicated to you and your relationship together. It’s putting all the BR learnings into real life practice– spreading your mended wings and taking flight when you’re ready to do so. It does require a certain amount of courage and effort and resilience, but then so does anything that’s worth having.
Two and a half years in, I’m into ‘maintenance’ mode, where I keep BR learnings on my mental bookcase and refer to them from time to time as a health check. And not just to keep perspective on the relationship between us, but also the relationships we have with members of his family and my family, his grown daughters, his friends and my friends, colleagues, and so on. BR clarifies things.
One example. At an all-day sporting event we attended with a group of his former colleagues and a couple other partners/spouses, I noticed that every time the ‘host’ (who made all the group ticket/seat arrangements, a very gregarious and popular married guy with twin 6-mo old babies) got up to ‘get in another round of beers’ or ‘go down to talk to so-and-so over there in an adjacent part of the stadium’ etc, was quickly and quietly followed by the same solo female colleague every time, who slipped out of her seat (which was amateurishly ‘discreetly’ two seats away from him) ‘to go help’, ‘to see if they have any chips’ or ‘to go for a pee’ etc. I see patterns of behaviour I wouldn’t have noticed a few years ago. I smell Assclown.
It had nothing to do with me and I didn’t know these people, so I said nothing. Lo and behold, two months later, my boyfriend came with the news this ‘host’ was in crisis and leaning heavily on my boyfriend for marital advice since he’d been caught out with that very same female colleague by not only his wife but his employer and the church with which he had a position. I said ‘well I’m glad somebody finally said something, it was getting embarrassing there at the game that day witnessing their shennanigans’. Boyfriend told me that ‘host’ told him it wasn’t like that at all, no shennanigans, no no no, he swore up and down it happened because he’s helping this female colleague through a very troubled and difficult relationship see, she’s having such a hard time with her awful boyfriend, and she’s leaving him see, yeah she’s leaving him, because it’s such a bad relationship, bad bad relationship bad, and she’s so very hurt by it. That’s why the two of them, ‘host’ and she, are going to run off together as soon as she leaves her bad and awful boyfriend, so that everything can be wonderful and… I asked my boyf if he really believed ‘host’s’ story. He said of course he did, why shouldn’t he? I said ‘Smell that? That’s the smell of Assclown.’ Within the very same week — maybe three or four days later– we went to a very popular pub and were having a drink in the sunshine outside of it. Who leaves the pub exactly then and strolls past us? The one and only Miss ‘I’m In a Troubled Relationship, Me’ Colleague. But not with ‘host’ of course, with her so-called ‘awful and terrible’ boyfriend — they were arm in arm, curled around each other, little fingers intertwining together, giggling softly over some little private joke, little kissy on the cheek and her head resting a moment on his shoulder as they drifted away down the road, leaving behind them an overwhelming cloud of rosy romance in their wake. I just looked at my boyf and gave him the one-eyebrow-up that says everything. Once he picked his jaw up off the floor, he shook his head and swore never again to be so stupid in believing the words of the Assclown-agenda ever again.
And those were two ACs then – the host, and the female colleague. Classic.
And aren’t those patterns of behavior kind of scary?
My ex-AC kept telling me we had to meet this great of his friend from before. And this friend never made herself available. And I thought uh probably this friend liked him, and was miffed he hadn’t dated her. It was obvious – especially because ex-AC liked to maintain a harem and keep people guessing – a few months later, ex-AC tells me this friend confessed and was upset that he started dating me. [I know there was no cheating by ex-AC due to timing etc so I don’t suspect him of anything, just that I knew that what he thought was just his friend being too busy to see us was really his friend being too busy to see ME!!].
Where do you begin? I’m 38. I’ve only had 3 ‘relationships’. One started when I was 16 and I left him when I was 32. Then I had an affair with a coworker for 6 months. Then after 18 months of loneliness I got involved with a guy I met through a family member. That just ended 4 months ago after 4 years. We never really ‘dated’ but that was really my first real adult relationship. When we met, he hadn’t long got out of a 9 year relationship and it was like we were instantly in a long term relationship. Needless to say I’m inexperienced in dating.
What is considered a ‘relationship’?
I’m 25 and have been involved with 3 men. The first I knew since grade school. We were friends at first. At 21 he was my first. We had an on again- off again thing going for almost 3 years. We only slept together twice during our whole involvement.
After him I was involved with a married man. Our relationship was platonic but we were in contact every single day for over a year. Towards the end of our involvement we slept together once. He called us friends but he wanted a sexual relationship I couldn’t handle so I ended contact with him. He knew me better than the first guy. We even talked about him and he called that my first real relationship. which confused me I wasn’t bf/gf with the first guy so how was that a relationship.
I recently ended a FWB situation. It was clear to us both that it wouldn’t go further but it lasted for months and we were friends but it ended bad now I don’t know what it is.
People have told me that I don’t know what a real relationship is like because I’ve never been in one. And warn me that its a lot more work. Ive comprised, I’ve loved, I’ve given, I’ve cried, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve taken every step anyone else would In a real relationship and to move on from it.
Even though I’ve had these involvements I consider my self inexperienced because I’ve never had a boyfriend.
So what is considered a relationship.
As I hit publish On that last one I just realized the link between my toxic relationships : I’m afraid of being in a real relationship.
Hope, do you really believe you fear being in a real relationship? Having never experienced one (in your own admission), is that a fair statement?
I’m soon 32 and have a string of failed romances behind me – the longest of which was probably 6 months – by which point the ‘relationship’ was DOA. I’ve alternated between attempts at ‘REAL’ relationships and falling back into FWB mode throughout my 20s, but I don’t put my lack of relationship success down to a fear of being in a proper relationship.
I mean, if you met someone who ticked all the right boxes from the start, and your courtship continued that way (with few or no serious misdemeanors occurring), would you still be scared? Would you be reluctant to jump in and see where it leads? Or would you try to live in the moment and embrace the fact that you’ve met someone special and all is going swimmingly well? If this situation had presented itself to me in my 20s, the chances are I’d be settled with kids by now!
In spite of all the BS I’ve been through, I always try to approach every new introduction, date, courtship with a genuine desire for things to work out (even though I’m simultaneously filled with anxiety and dread). I’ve never cut corners or short-changed people when dating, and I’m always honest when I feel like a person/situation isn’t working for me.
Sadly, a lot of it does boil down to luck, right time, right place, etc, etc. At 25 you’re still young, and growing as a person. You have plenty of time to date casually and figure out what best suits YOU, but you must be open to it first. And you must be ready to change. Change the kind of guys you’d usually entertain. Change the types of places you’d usually meet guys. Change some of the habits that may have led you to being in toxic relationships in the past.
I wish you well 🙂
Rachel
I know you’re right. The right situation has yet to present itself to me. I keep trying to justify my fear by saying but what if this happens… or I know people who… And none of it makes sense because you’re right I haven’t been there yet. I have to quiet those negative voices and just go for it.
I understand you’re fear of this potential new relationship. When people say they met a good guy after a string of bad ones I fear for myself how many more failed romances will be added to my string before the right one comes. Still, it’s always good to hear that someone made it to the other side. Because that means there is hope. From my own personal experience with anxiety and worrying please work on easing that most of all. It’s the hardest battle, I know, but it will help with hopefully this new guy becoming something more. Be happy in the moment.
I’m waiting patiently until it’s my turn too. Good luck!
Rachael and Griselda I found your posts very entertaining – it’s true the things we can see after Nat’s wisdom. I feel such relief knowing I can work out Assclown in about 50% of the time it would have previously taken me. Also I do not ruminate (as much) on why I’m feeling uncomfortable as my new strategy is if I feel uncomfortable then say something or exit situation. But I guess with this post it’s also saying don’t let previous experience cloud judgement in today’s situation
Genki, this site has really been a Godsend over the last 2 years! It opened my eyes to a lot of BS I’d been taking for so long – as well as certain patterns and behaviours that were destructive for me. I find that I too can identify ACs much quicker than before, and no longer beat myself up about past situations where I behaved less than I should have (i.e. on my knees begging and pleading with an EUM ex not to give up on me/us, when really I should’ve held the door open and helped him on his way quickly).
I’ve never had an honest to goodness relationship before and I’m almost 32… I’ve come a long way from the insecure, depressed woman I used to me, but this whole dating thing – I doubt I’ll ever truly feel at ease with it. It induces so much anxiety and fear internally, I almost feel like I’m holding my breath in anticipation of the next guy disappointing me, which distracts me from relaxing and enjoying myself in the moment. However, as the dating process seems to be the most commonly used method of developing a loving, committed and healthy relationship, I just have to suck it up, put on my big girl’s pants and do my best to make it through with my sanity intact.
Truthfully, I wish I could bypass this stage and go straight into the relationship!
I needed this post tonight.
I have been seeing someone on and off for the last 2 years. At first I was a complete needy mess after having only just broken up with the abusive ex maybe 6 months before. I was in absolutely no fit state to be committed to anyone then. In all honesty I was just glad for a bit of fun.
Now however, I feel ready to be in a relationship with this person. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend that he has conveniently not mentioned for the last 2 years! He finally told me over the summer.
Since then of course I have kept a massive distance, but he keeps coming after me 🙁
I don’t know what to do.
My intellect tells me his is bad news if he is willing to cheat on his girlfriend with me. Of course it was wrong not to tell me she existed.
My heart however feels like he is the one.
He is obviously not committed to her or me and whilst I was fine with no commitment in the past, I want it now.
I have told him not to contact me again until he is single but I feel incredibly sad about it all.
I was finally ready for something new and it looks like it was all wrong?
Bx
Yes, unfortunately it appears that it was a relationship with someone untrustworthy. If you still want to be with him – this means that you want to ‘win’, this is your ego talking. You need to catch yourself or these two wasted years will turn into too many. Even now he has not indicated that he will leave his gf and even if he did – how could you trust him. He has casually lied to his gf for two years – and to you too of course but clearly he sees her as his primary relationship. And you never caught on, thats how good he is. Thats the path to the crazy.
You are right though – he’s the one – the lying, cheating, untrustworthy, AC, mind-effing one.
Boo,
What is the something new that you are ready for? A relationship with someone who loves, respects and cares for you? Of course it is.
But there has been nothing in the way this guy has behaved towards you in two years that has been loving, respectful or caring. He played you. Not once, not twice, but all day every day for the entire time you’ve known him. The on-again off-again nature of it was his flip-flapping between women. It’s made him so confident that you’ll suck up the little crumbs he throws your way that he actually thinks you should be eager to take part knowingly in his own personal harem — compared to before summer when you were taking part unknowingly. What kind of man does that?
Please believe me when I tell you. He isn’t The One.
Please also believe me when I tell you that The One is out there somewhere, right now — all you have to do is get out there and meet him!
Boo,
If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you. That is a much lonelier situation to be in than being single. Trust your head this time and question your heart. Is betrayal familiar to you? Is that why it seems right to become involved with someone you know will betray you? Cheaters cheat. It doesn’t matter who they’re with at the time.
Thank you for your responses guys.
Yes I must be used to betrayal because it’s taken me what I consider a long time to wake up and smell the coffee that this guy is bad news.
Even now there is still some irrational part of me that believes he is just mixed up and not sure what he wants.
I’ve been betrayed before and this doesn’t feel like that.
I’m glad he’s not indicated that he will leave his gf. I would never want him to leave her for me – then I wouldn’t trust him. Then I would believe he would do it to me.
What I want is him to stay out of my life until he’s single.
I should probably have said that for the first 3 months when we dated he was single.
We had an argument and I started dating someone else as I never saw this guy as serious back then.
When he apologised and found out I was seeing someone else he started seeing who is his now current gf.
We didn’t see each other next for 6 months and when we did I just assumed they’d broken up!
Never assume lol! He just didn’t mention her.
Maybe I do want to ‘win’
I suspect what I am feeling is that I made a mistake 2 years ago.
I was not ready for a relationship then so at the first argument I jacked it in.
Now we still seem to have something that has endured.
But I agree his character is shady.
He can’t love and respect me to keep wanting to sleep with me when he is ‘comitted’ to someone else 🙁
He wants two cakes and to eat them both! I am well aware of that which is why I’ve taken my cake off the shelf.
However at the moment I still feel that might be enough to get him to think about what he truly wants.
Maybe if we both started from ground zero it could work?
Who am I kidding lol????
Why do I want it to work? Maybe that is the question….
Yes! Haha. Look there’s no shame in saying you feel an attachment to the guy – that’s why you dearly wish he would become someone with decent values so that it would work. But he won’t become someone with decent values. He’s already shown you by his actions what values he has and what kind of person he is. Nothing’s going to change that, ever.
De-attaching yourself from him emotionally is the only way to go.
Boo, he already knows what he wants. To cheat on the women he’s involved with. If he wanted to be committed to one woman, he would be. He’s jerking you, his girlfriend, and who knows how many other women around. Even if he breaks up with her, he won’t stop cheating. I have to say it once again: cheaters cheat. No one forces them to. It’s a behaviour they choose, and it’s not because of the person they are involved with. It’s who they are. Relationships are difficult enough to navigate without going into one knowing that he cheats!
Ooooohhh, I remember those days when the thought of letting go was too painful to bear. When the possibility of reconciliation was better then going cold-turkey and cutting the AC off once and for all.
Even if he was officially single, is that really the kind of man you’d want to get involved with? The chances are you’d end just like his current girlfriend of 2 years. Is that a fate you truly desire?
If the answer is NO, then go no contact and delete/block his number. It’s the only way you will get through this and rid yourself of him.
Lol oh dear! I just remembered something else he confessed over summer…
That’s he NEVER been faithful to any girl he’s been with!
Not funny but all I can do is laugh!
I clarified that with him a few months later and he said he was faithful to me for all the THREE MONTHS we were properly together!
Eeek! I’ve told him already to his face (last time I saw him) that I don’t think I’d be able to trust him even if we were in a legit relationship.
Wow I’m answering my own dilemma here…
Thank you guys Bx
I just saw this comment. You’ve got your answer, Boo. At least he admits he’s a whore. Now run!
Two years is a really, really, really long time for him to feel ok about lying to you. Abort mission.
Timely post. Met a widower who stopped in my town on a 500 mile hike. We hit it off immediately and I walked him to where he was staying and we promised to stay in touch. Got sporadic emails, partially due to no reception. At the end, rather than drive to his nearby home, he rented a car and drove 4 hrs to see me. He saw me later that week when I was at a conference. Treated me like a Queen the whole time. He has had to go out of state for two months to visit relatives and put his condo there up for sale. This had been planned months ago. His emails are sporadic and I often wait for him to contact me. He has stated he is looking forward to being back, to doing stuff with me. I feel I have no choice but to trust him as I cannot control what he does or doesn’t do. I have read up on widowers and it’s not uncommon for them to treat a woman like a Queen, then evaporate. His wife has been dead for about 18 months and it was long and drawn out-cancer. I have met his family but understand this means nothing. He had told his friends about me and they want to meet. Again, means nothing. For now, I am sitting back, paying attention, seeing what unfolds upon his return and not overly investing for now.
*than*
Hi Rachel, I have noticed the difference between getting to know people – some people play games, delay phoning back / responding to texts, making you feel insecure, are not open in discussions, but then refreshingly some people are open, honest, caring and seem more fun and less stressful and crazy making, it’s been nearly 3 years since I have met anyone after separating from my ex. Finally I have met someone I think (so far) it might be work dedicating some time to. I’m 39 FYI and you said you were 32, in my opinion it’s much more worth it to spend fun, relaxing times either alone or with family and friends than it is to be stressed out spending time with someone who is not worth it. There seem to be a lot of tosspot men and it’s hard to filter sometimes. Also said by my psychologist yesterday we have to teach people how to treat us, I’m trying to do that more.
I think I would be still going around in circles without NML!!!
Last night I realized I’m not ready to date. I am still too insecure and lacking confidence with myself. After 3 months of ending my last relationship (due to my own insecurities!!), I wanted to go out ‘to have fun’ and get out of the house. My ex is already seeing someone so that has a lot to do with it. I am 38 and extremely shy and quiet (and very inexperienced with dating).
I went out with my 27yo niece and her friends. There were 3 guys and 3 girls. I couldn’t initiate conversation with anyone much less the guys. We went to dinner together where everyone was getting drunk. This was just 7pm. I ordered a mixed drink but didn’t drink it b/c I didn’t want to get drunk. Anyway, we went back to my niece’s house after where everyone else continued to drink. I hung around til 10 after a couple of other guys came (much younger than me) and my other 3 women were dancing provocatively in the middle of the guys. I can’t dance like that and felt very out of place at this point. She was expecting more people, a lot of people, so I got out of there at 10pm before the real partying began. I was completely out of my element and felt uncomfortable and insecure.
I feel so inept when it comes to talking to guys even when there’s no chance of dating them. I couldn’t even strike up a conversation with any of them about anything. I am so extremely shy?? I don’t know. I came home and cried out of self pity. I feel hopeless at this point. I’ve only gone out twice, once to a bar, and then last night. So much for going out to ‘have fun’.
Jennifer I’ve noticed how un fun things can be if they are not suited to me. For example I do certain things and think we’ll that was very uncomfortable eg: club that is not my style, but they when I do things which I enjoy I notice how easy & fun it is. I think they key is to choose things which suit you. It’s great to try new things but remember you may not enjoy them all! All the best. Try not to worry about it too much just enjoy the ride. I know that is easy said but I think thinking about these things too much only exacerbates the situation.
Genki,
Thanks so much for your reply. I was definitely out of my element. I don’t consider fun getting as drunk as I can and feeling like crap the next day. I don’t have any single female friends to go out with so I was going with my niece to be doing something. I am so shy I haven’t had the nerve to ask a guy out via facebook or get on a dating site. I really need to find some people to be around that are closer to my age and enjoy the things I do. And I do overthink everything!!
Thanks again.