Have you ever had someone do something for you or give you something only to wind up feeling as if you owe them? Rather than receiving and saying thank you, your mind is lurching into IOU territory, triggering the likes of overwhelm, guilt, panic, discomfort and resignation. Yes, all of that from receiving something!
Even if you want to feel grateful, it’s tricky given those uncomfortable feelings. In these moments you forget that it’s just a gift, that it’s just an act. That’s not to take away from what the person is being/doing, but it’s just not that loaded. Or at least it doesn’t have to be.
Genuine giving doesn’t come with strings attached. It also comes preloaded with the option to say no.
WHY ARE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE BEING THE RECIPIENT?
When you feel uncomfortable about receiving, check yourself.
- Is it that you don’t feel worthy enough?
- Are you weary in advance because you feel as if you have equal or exceed their efforts?
- Do you feel trapped by the possibility of what their giving might signify for you in the future?
- Is it that you know that you don’t owe them but that based on previous experience, you sense an agenda?
- Are you afraid of looking like a ‘user’?
I’m not worthy enough.
I don’t deserve this.
I don’t want to have to give back.
I’m screwed.
I’m a bad person.
There’s vulnerability not just in giving but also in receiving.
ARE YOU BEING TRANSACTIONAL?
When you struggle to be a ‘good receiver’, a part of you is thinking, I will open myself up to disappointment. You’re also making everything transactional. Giving and receiving becomes fraught because it’s about who owes what and obligation. You give, not because you want to but because it’s what you think is expected of you. Of course, it’s going to be angst-laden. You’ll be afraid of going into ‘debt’ and of looking like a ‘bad’ person.
It might be that you feel safer being busy doing instead of being busy being.
You might feel very uncomfortable about asking for or accepting help but be the Energiser Bunny of helping others.
A relationship based on the roles of giver and taker is always imbalanced and unhealthy. If you’re always the giver, what does that always make the other party in the relationship? It means that consciously or not, you will choose people and situations that allow you to maintain that role even if it’s not in the best interests of you or the relationship. You’ve then set you up to feel taken advantage of. Keep in mind also that regardless of whether or not someone is actually a ‘taker’ and taking advantage, being entrenched in the role of ‘giver’ means you will view things through that lens and feel valued (or undervalued) on that basis.
If you’re the only one who gets to do the ‘giving’, it’s not giving; it’s control.
When you’re in control, you don’t have to feel as much as you would in being vulnerable. You can manage risks.
When someone is shady, it’s understandable to feel wary of their motives. This is why creating healthy boundaries is critical because you learn where to invest your good qualities and energies. Create boundaries instead of building walls. Giving but not receiving is a wall that defends against you being hurt in a similar way to the past. It interferes not just with trusting you and others but also growing as a person as you run the risk of continuing a cycle of neglect or deprivation. Boundaries show forgiveness of you for your past, allowing you to enjoy mutually fulfilling, trusting relationships instead of being on guard and cutting out everything.
This is the time to ask the perfect question for any situation that triggers you into responding based on pattern: What’s the baggage behind it?
- Where did you learn to feel like this?
- Is it similar to a past situation?
- Does what they’re doing or how you’re feeling remind you of someone else?
Asking these questions helps you to understand the emotional charge you are carrying about giving and receiving. You will gain insight into what you associate with these so that you know what is coming up for you each time. In understanding what you’re trying to protect you from and what you still unwittingly (or consciously) feel hurt about, you can address the source of your pain with self-compassion.
Did you identify with any of the statements like ‘I’m not worthy enough’, ‘I don’t deserve this’, ‘I’m a bad person’? Acknowledging these feelings and compassionately interrogating their origins and validity, helps you to get grounded. Sometimes simply asking, ‘Why not?’ brings those hidden reasons up to the service. You can differentiate between past and present, the person in front of you and for instance, a parent. You also gain the opportunity to recognise that you can’t give what you don’t receive, so allowing you to receive allows you to advance the intimacy of your relationships.
And remember: when someone gives you something whether it’s a physical gift, a compliment, their time, etc., rather than spinning out about how to repay the transaction or deflecting, for example, the praise, just say thank you. This stops you from living in the past, assuming that people have ulterior motives and from going into autopilot behaviour and thinking. You stop giving away your power and draining your bandwidth.
In doing so, you will be in a position to break the cycle and receive the love, care, trust and respect you desire and deserve, not just from others but also from you.
Your thoughts?
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Having been starved of compliments in my 2nd marriage, I have had to learn to accept and thank people for compliments. If I don’t do this for some reason then I make sure that I make them aware I was pleased with the compliment and apologise for not thanking them at the time. Likewise I am also better at giving compliments to other people.
Recently I got back into sewing. When I mentioned I had a rag doll pattern a friend immediately said she would like me to make one for her grand daughter which I duly did and the result was much praised but not by her. I asked her for a budget but couldn’t do it within this so took a hit on cost because she said she didn’t have much money. Shortly after she told me her new smart phone. Red flag 1. When I gave her the doll she said nothing. It was beautiful and not just by my standards according to those who saw it and a social group meet up. In earshot someone asked me how long it took to make. I told then about 2o hours so it was a labour of love and explained I’d had to re-learn my sewing skills after 30 years of not sewing. I asked my friend if she liked it and she said it was like dolls her daughters used to make but didn’t even thank me or enthuse about it. Red flag 2.
If she says anything to me then I will tell her how I feel. I know this woman is quick to ask for lifts from me and other people but never offers anything in return. Now that I have worked her out I am backing off and not being taken for granted by her and will just keep her someone to talk to at these meetings. She has annoyed me with her behaviour over the doll and this isn’t what I expect from a friend. I have let someone else know how I feel and if it gets back to her then tough.
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Mandy, I think it’s really hopeful that you have such a beautiful dream – to live by the sea. Hold on to it. Read books about the sea and watch movies about it. There are so many! Moby Dick! I’m sure there are Agatha Christie novels set by the sea. collect sea shells. Go to the seashore for a trip even if only for a day and buy some souvenirs that are nautical and sea themed. Go to the natural history museum and look at the blue whale. Watch that show – the greatest catch?
There might be a time when you can move to the sea. I hope there is. Till then – be the sea.
Mandy, start getting a care package in place to look after your parents. They could be alive for the next 10 15 even 20 years….
This is a call to heed your own life. To look after you. Explain to social services you cannot do it anymore that you are unwell in yourself.
Strawman question here? What if you were told you had two years left to live? How would that feel? Would you feel you have lived your life?
Guilt and fear are terrible things.
I cut my abusive mother off as well as my estranged son who is more for my mother, and hit the road living free. I could have terminal cancer judging by my symptoms and my worried doctor. And i am OK with that because I am living life on my terms finally, even if of no fixed abode. And i love beaches and lochs and sunsets. I meet people on the road and we exchange a cpl of hours and off we all go again.
Believe me, life is too short. It is a gift and you are worth more than being devalued at every turn.
It is scary…I shat myself before giving away all my stuff and cats and house and doing it. But a year on…I am richer stronger happier and closer with someone bigger than all the shit heads of life we have encountered 😉
I am sending you strength to follow your heart, to live in authenticity…we may meet up and I will teach you to body board haha
Joy is what we find when dare to live as us.
Pain is what we feel when we are not staying true to our soul
Listen to what’s inside (“,)
Xxx
I met an amazing guy and while we were dating I got him some gifts (one for his birthday) and a couple of things for his house he just moved into. He felt bad accepting them that eventually he broke up with me. I told him he didn’t have to take the bath mat I bought him (instead of the towel on the floor) but I thought it would be handy or the wall hanger for his door instead of putting towels on the bathtub. He said he just doesn’t like receiving gifts. I love giving small and what I thought were thoughtful gestures and in the end backfired. I know there was more to it for the breakup for how can he could be so into me and then pushing me away but I am a giver but have learn to also accept gifts as an appreciation from my friends and loved ones. I get this article for it was hard to receive at first but it’s a balance for sure. I don’t expect anything when I give or receive and just enjoy the moment. Reading this article maybe gives me some solace and perspective that it’s his issue that he can’t accept gifts. Thanks Nat!
As I ponder this blog entry and the comments I’m considering the relationship among the variables of acceptance and vulnerability and how they may relate to giving and receiving. I think the elements of threat and obligation also come into play. Trust, as well.
My parents see themselves as givers. Whatever they give is loaded with expectation and obligation. So, I’d rather not take because I fear and resent the “owe”.
I would guess many, if not most, posters here are intuitive. I trust my own inner radar. Considering “the guy”, I think he feels that receiving makes him vulnerable and for a lot of reasons this is very uncomfortable for him. Also, he is very invested in being the victim- exploited by pretty much everyone. So, if he receives, he (subconsciously) has to relinquish some of that victimhood. Very dangerous territory for him.
(I smiled at Feisty’s comment about the smartphone. Yes, the guy never has any $$$, or so he claims. But every time Samsung issues a new Galaxy, he has one. Red flag, of course! He’s waved so many at me that at this point I expect nothing else.)
I’ve been fortunate to have had some really positive experiences with giving and receiving in relationships. For me, those who have been comfortable with both share some characteristics. They are confident, comfortable, and genuine with themselves and others. They have also tended to grow and build trust in relationships, rather than promise anything and everything right away.
These relationships are friendships. With few exceptions, I haven’t had the same in romances.
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Hey M, you admire me others thought I’d lost it hehe
Don’t berate yourself because it’s a scary thing to start planning and doing. Your son can make a choice as he is now an adult…come or stand on his own two feet or find job/training to do what he feels called to do. Your parents…well look if they had looked out for you all your life it would be different. But non abusive parents don’t guilt you into care…I’d never want my loved ones putting life on hold to care for me. And your parental situation sounds like this is just a continuation of the abuse …so sad but how long do we all go on for?
Step by step, visualising and being patient for the right inner guidance to new openings…start looking for work etc in areas that pique your inner instincts. It took me 18 months from saying “I’m gunna live there” to living it now. A few shit jobs with it too lol (but BR navigated me out of those scenarios) But the journey is part of it all.
Fear controls our every mistake…
So yeah a good bonfire on the beach with some beers…yeah…you’re already manifesting it. In meantime til you do it, as Mandy said, take some holidays to beaches, rent a van stick an air mattress in it…so cheap and it’s freeing.
Start clearing out house as you go along. It’s amazing what we don’t need.
I’m excited for you…
Sending you much love xx
Wrote from my camper under Ben Nevis 😉
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well done Mandy!!! youre an inspiration — you took action. Cornwall. Glorious.
You get cheap jollies in cornwall even in September then somethings working on your case 😉
Just enjoy those days…feed your spirit, be your soul
Lustyglaze have some good beach festivals on 😉 Don’t matter if you’re on your own, it can be a bonus doing what you want when you want and you can meet or not meet new peeps…someone’s on a journeeee hehe
Happy for you, like really!!! Xxx
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