Does someone really need to do the equivalent of giving us a one-star review? Do we need to let our ex know that we’re “over” them? Why does someone put themselves on Tinder right after they’ve made plans to move or be away for some time? What’s the craic with people doing us wrong and then saying “It hurts me more than (or as much as) it hurts you”? And why are we saying that it’s wrong that the relationship with the person who didn’t treat us very well has ended? These are all things that make me (and plenty of others) go hmmm. In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I delve into the perplexities of each of these and stress the importance of not dismissing our concerns.

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Some nuggets from the episode:

• Someone going out of their way to tell us that they don’t like us builds themselves up by taking others down. They assign an excessive amount of importance to their opinion and our apparent ‘need’ for us to be aware of it.
• When we reach out to an ex to inform them that we’re over them or blocking them, we’re trying to get their attention. Sometimes we want to ‘win’ and have the upper hand.
• Us humans are egotistical creatures. Part of us derives value from knowing that someone is really into us even if we’re not into them. 
• It’s not that we ‘can’t’ date when we’re planning to move or go away, but it’s telling that we opt to date and either not mention that our plans and/or that we use the plans to give us an out.
• If the actions and words don’t match, there’s a problem. 

There are things that give us pause for thought that maybe don’t give others pause, but that doesn’t matter. We have to pay attention to what feels ‘off’ to us, because for whatever reason, it does. 

• It’s not that when someone does us wrong that they don’t feel bad about it, but claiming that it hurts them more than it does us dismisses us. They also demand empathy without ever having extended it to us.
• When we keep insisting that a relationship that we were not fulfilled in, where we were not ourselves, where we may have been mistreated (or mistreated ourselves), was the right relationship one for us, our only options are to have more of the same. We’re going to get back together with our ex, or we’re going to be involved with someone else similar where we will hopefully learn and accept that this isn’t the relationship for us. It’s an invitation for more pain. We’re holding ourselves to a lower standard.
• When we beat ourselves up about why someone who isn’t the right person for us didn’t choose us, we’re not acknowledging that we’ve been given a reprieve by them ‘not choosing us’. Actually, we shouldn’t have been choosing them. We shouldn’t have been choosing that situation for us.
• It’s often not so much what we do, but why we do it.
• We’re willing to scratch an itch, to try to meet a need in whatever way we see fit, sometimes, without taking the other person into account. And, yes, sometimes without taking ourselves into account. We avoid looking too deeply into things.
• Don’t gaslight yourself. 

Links mentioned

• The Four Qualities (ep.109)
• The release and relief of giving up on try-ing (ep.121)
• Why we don’t have to try so hard for crumbs (ep.122)
• Bark like a dog and your ‘dating and relationship’ self (ep.127)
• Breaking free of roles (ep. 128)

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Listener questions can be emailed to podcast AT baggagereclaim DOT com and if there’s a topic you’d love me to talk about, let me know!

Nat xxx

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