When we’re of the inclination to wonder what’s wrong with us and to blame an undesired outcome on not being “good enough”, we act as if the process (the way in which we went about it in terms of mentality and actions) was and still is ‘right’. We’re invested in the predicted result that ‘should’ have happened and actually, we’re very heavily invested in the process. This isn’t just due to the beliefs that we attach to our actions, choices, and the outcomes that we experience, but also because the alternative to that investment is change, and that may put us in the unfamiliar unknown instead of us being able to remain in the uncomfortable yet familiar comfort zone where we get to give ourselves a hard time with a narrative about everything that’s wrong with us or even life.
Sometimes it’s about the process, sometimes it’s about the result, and sometimes it’s about both, but what it’s never about is our ‘worth’. It’s not that a “more worthwhile, valuable and good enough” person could have pulled off the process and the desired result even if one or both aspects were unhealthy and patently wrong.
If we say that the result is wrong but at the same time we also state or imply through our reluctance to adapt our thinking and behaviour, that our process was right, we’re effectively saying that life, people, our past or other factors, conspired against us and/or that we’re not good enough to get the desired result for our process, even if the two aren’t a match.
Sometimes the ‘wrong’ result may be the right one. We often conveniently forget about how sometimes what feels so ‘right’ can actually prove to be wrong and if that’s the case, we can extend a bit of faith and know that while what’s happened may not make sense right now, the blessing in disguise will become clear further down the line.
Distance and time often provide a bit (or a lot) of objectivity, as long as we’re not still blinkered and bound to the process and doing the same things accompanied with similar thinking and getting the same or even worse results – in terms of relationships, this is Relationship Insanity. We become aware of those blessings in disguise and if we’re open to learning positively from the insights we stand to gain from our experiences, we become aware and appreciative of better things that are happening to us.
A friend of ours lost his job and it’s bloody horrible, but after being messed around by his employers for months and trusting them to do the right thing, being out of there is the right thing even though it hurts and is scary. It’s bad enough now but he has no doubt that it would have been a complete nightmare had he stuck around. In the end, the process of doing a good job and trying to be a decent person isn’t wrong, but ignoring your gut and hoping that people who show themselves to be flaky and dishonest will do right by you, is a flawed part of the process, and that’s the lesson he’s learned.
Don’t ignore signs or you – the signs give you a clue about future results that may not ‘fit’ with your plan and your process and if your tune out of your innermost self, you won’t be able to get a reading on your internal compass (your gut) and be able to act accordingly.
Sometimes we act as if because we do and think X,Y,Z, that ipso facto, A, B, and C will and ‘should’ happen irrespective of whether it’s the right and healthy thing for us, especially if we’re applying short-term and even egocentric thinking to what amount to decisions that have medium to long-term consequences.
Another friend was devastated when (unsurprisingly), an affair didn’t work out. She felt wronged, unlovable, and unworthy, and it didn’t help that after she cut him off, he kept sniffing around, professing how right they were for each other and how wrong she was…all while his ‘situation’ hadn’t changed. Actually, it was absolutely the right thing that he didn’t leave and once she recognised this, she lost her attachment to that predicted outcome, addressed the issues that contributed to her even being in that situation, and is now in a healthy relationship, something that she hadn’t been able to do even before the affair.
We can’t have unhealthy habits of thinking and behaviour and expect to reap the benefits of healthier habits. Equally, sometimes we have to look at our application – it’s a misappropriation of our energies if we, for instance, keep trying to make people who are reluctant to meet us in a mutual capacity, to love, validate and appreciate us, or to change their ways – and sometimes, we have to step back enough to see that a situation isn’t befitting of us.
Many people left devastated by a breakup or other form of loss, end up gradually ‘reclaiming’ and being their true selves because these situations often end up providing an opportunity to rebuild their lives in a way that they prefer. They start being and doing the things that they’d put on the backburner or entirely forgotten about. So many BR readers have connected with their creative talents, started businesses, returned to education, travelled, got involved with charity work, built up their social bases, and taken time to understand their needs, expectations, wishes and ultimately, themselves, and it’s only on reflection that they realise that their pain and possibly their rock bottom, was a major turning point. That and many have found love, with themselves and within romantic relationships.
When the way in which you’re thinking and behaving doesn’t produce the desired results, it’s never about your worth. Look at the process, look at the results; even a person who you compare yourself to and deem them to be ‘better’, cannot control the uncontrollable or turn a pig’s ear into a silk purse.
Your thoughts?
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I never thought at 50 I’d get divorced but his cheating forced me to make a decision about an unhappy marriage due to his selfishness and being so EU plus also a change of behaviour due to cheating. I never looked back once I made it and am content now with life and have found my inner peace that he took away. Fast forward 3 years and I now go horse riding and love doing something I should have done years ago but better late than never. Financially things aren’t easy but I get by and I’ve had a lot of difficult situations to address but came through them all. I know I can cope and even if I flounder at times I step back, regroup and then find a solution often without actively trying to. Being on this site has given me skills to address situations and I am not afraid to walk away if my gut tells me. I am prepared to listen to it and won’t repeat previous patterns. The latest decision I’ve made was to fire a solicitor acting in a whiplash injury claim appointed by my insurer and take the custom elsewhere.If I meet a man who is interested I set my stall out and if he walks he walks but I may have saved myself heartache along the way. Better to know early on than in time at the dating phase that you both want different things in a relationship. I am quite clear that I don’t wish to re-marry or live with a man as I know that as long as I have my own place and no ring on my left hand, I can and will, be able to get out of any situation I am not happy about. I believe that if you have boundaries and aren’t happy in a situation then you will do something about it. The old saying put up or shut up holds true. There are many people in relationships or even marriages that don’t fulfil them but they lack the courage to do something about it and as they become door mats to their spouse/partners and have the life sucked out of them, then over time it becomes impossible to go. For them it often is a lack of self belief and fear so they use children, not wanting to hurt someone, finance blah blah as reasons not to do anything about their unhappiness as reasons to stay. Either that it or they don’t go until they have someone lined up as they fear being on their own. I wasn’t a doormat to my ex but didn’t want to give up too easily on a marriage. In the end the choice was forced on me and I acted immediately. We owe it to ourselves to find contentment and peace and there is always a reason why things happen as they do, we don’t always see it at the time.
Feisty,
Thank you for a great post. You are an example of how a strong, self confident woman thinks and behaves. Every sentence resonates with me. I am very happy with Mr, Special but I have no desire for marriage or cohabitation either. I’ve always been a highly anxious person. Now that I’ve finally found peace of mind and much better self esteem,I don’t want to risk losing them again. I treasure my own personal freedom more than anything.
Just love your blog, everything you write resonates with me. Left my ass clown husband after 11 years of marriage, in the process of reclaiming myself and my life with 3 little ones. Your book changed my entire perspective and I get a little giddy every time I see a new post. thank you thank you thank you <3
After more than 10 years of Al Anon recovery, I know I have a higher power who watches over me as I stumble through life, love and career paths.
I know because of my HP, when I am dead certain I’m in love with someone I think is the right person but the relationship ends badly, that was because my higher power wanted something better for me, stepped in and saved me from myself.
While I usually think I’m “good enough,” obviously sometimes I think others I choose to love are also good enough…until they eventually drop the charade and show themselves to be assclowns.
I try to learn from my mistakes, but when my newest plans don’t work out, it’s usually because the plan wasn’t good enough. Now I love to catch onto it and fix things before my HP does.
Thinking I’m not good enough is so 2013.
As for people who think they are better than me, as long as I have an arse, they’ll have a spot to kiss. 😀
Thing is I’m a very different person than the one he met. Kind of feeling my power and have a real identity now…I’m very glad he actually cared about me in some way and the little girl he rejected has grieved and gone back to where she belongs. I have traced that pain to it’s source and let it all out this past year. Now I see that what he is or isn’t, does or doesn’t do has nothing to do with me. As long as I behave with integrity I am okay. Wow! That feels so good!!!
I just wish my wrong outcome turned right thing to happen didn’t take four freakin years of my life ( well, seven years if you count healing in the aftermath). My relationships before this one were unhealthy too, but this one was the epiphany. Eek. Truth be, I AM better for it and feel lighter than I ever have. The next man in my life doesn’t know it yet, but he’s gonna be one lucky fella.
Selkie,
I feel for you & I’ve been there. The first year I cried every night, and couldn’t go past the words “Organic” in grocery stores without crying. Then I was forced to take a temp job and do a marketing project for companies selling “Organic” goods – so I was miserable until I slept. I could only listen to the French radio station for a couple years – I do not understand French and the lyrics did not make me cry….
Fast Forward to Six years: I ran into that X, and I was over him (with the help of another loser that I endured. I finally after six years realized it was a Blessing in Disguise that I did not end up with him. My heart is still getting over Loser #2 – but at a much healthier rate and process.
Why do our hearts and emotions hang on so? I think my total recovery time is now improved from the help of you Selkie (I read and like your comments!) and from Nat, and all the ladies who post here… a few of the guy’s posts too.
I am grateful that Nat does not charge money for this website – I could not afford a psychiatric counselor at time that I needed one, and that’s when I found Baggage Reclaim – and used a ‘buzz word’ on internet search, that I got from a free telephone consultation from a counselor; Buzz Word: Emotionally Unavailable.
I did buy Natalie’s FallBack Girl book as soon as it came out, and I bought one for a girlfriend too. So, here is a shout-out to also financially support Natalie!
Selkie, best to you & hope you are much better now.
French radio…ha ha. I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you, but with you (smiling). I totally get it. I watched Disney films for a good six months after the break up because they were emotionally safe to watch and usually had hopeful endings. Like you, I couldn’t bear any romantic reminders.
I agree, Natalie’s blog is such a valuable resource. Cheers to you AngelFace for sharing the journey with us. Loser # 2 will fade away too. Consider it an opportunity to fine tune all you’ve learned.
Hi Natalie: Every single word I just read is exactly what I have been growing through since the initial break up. I somehow believe that if I had been enough and done enough. Been more. Been good enough my ex would want me but the reality is there is nothing that I could have done or been. It was what it was. She is what she is and I am what I am. Whether good or bad the bottom line is I couldn’t make this work and I have spent months beating myself up about it. Going over and over in my head about what’s wrong with me.
It to the point where I’m looking at therapist because I just don’t feel that I can shake this feeling of lack of self worth and feeling that I’m good enough on my own. I feel everyday that there is something wrong with me and that’s why I’m in the position I’m in. I feel as if friends connected to the situation are against me and have taken sides. I’ve never been one to be in this situation at the age of 47 I feel very lost and outside of myself. I’m praying that these feelings of being worthless and unloved subside but I know I need professional help to cross over this bridge as well as time and space from anything and everything connected to the situation. That is something that I didn’t give myself believing I could place myself in the same situations and still be alright. I can’t. I’m still an open wound. Still sad. Still wanting someone who has moved on. I’m stuck????. Thank you once again Natalie. You are always on time.????
Hope,
Your realization that you’d do well to enlist in therapy is huge. It takes courage to admit this to yourself. It certainly can’t hurt. As I read your post and your reasons for believing you may gain from therapy, I agree. Prior to my therapy I had many of the same feelings you’ve expressed. I’m tons better now. Also I felt that I’d do better with a woman as opposed to a man and it’s worked out very well. Good luck.
Hi Tinkerbell:
Thank you so very much for your support. I appreciate that. I feel better already knowing that I’m going to move forward with everything. Best of everything to you. Smooches!!
Thank you for the good words. I am in the exact same situation as your unemployed friend. It’s a hard place to be, but not as hard as that awful situation under that horrible abusing boss.
Selkie , four years for you, seven for me. In this case more is definitely not merrier. If I had listened to my gut and trusted my instincts and ran the other way the first time I saw the red flags (and there were many),and all the shady behavior too, I wouldn’t have wasted all those years, and lost so much of myself along the way.
Now five weeks or so into NC I am thinking about that a lot and probably beating myself up about it more than I should. I know too, that I will be better off down the road , gain more clarity, be healthier and I’ll be happy to be away from him, but I want that day to be today. I still feel like crap mostly.
What makes it worse still is that my head is so f’d up, from all the years of the AC telling me my feelings weren’t valid, and him pushing me away every time things got too serious… So now I don’t even know what’s ‘normal’ anymore. I don’t know how I going to be able to gauge the next guy or next relationship feeling this way.
I didn’t know what normal was either and my head was so spun around, everything was distorted. Heartbreak sucks, it just does. There is no magic cure and you have to work through it, day by day. Stick with it Jenna. I never thought I’d recover and feel normal again, but I did, and so can you. Don’t worry about dating and how you’ll feel, give it some time. If you feel unsure and don’t trust your own intuition or opinion, you will end up in another unhealthy situation. Start new habits that create new thoughts. I had to go 100% NC to start clearing my head, and it wasn’t easy. I knew the alternative was staying in pain indefinitely, which was going to destroy me. Step by little step, clarity came in bits and pieces, not overnight. The pain came and went in cycles but each time it was less intense and finally faded into memories without the pain. Hang in there Jenna. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Selkie, thanks for the encouragement. Your words brought tears to my eyes…It’s great to hear from you and others who have gone through the same and that there’s hope that one day, hopefully sooner rather than later, that I too will be in a happy, healthier, emotional place. Right now though I feel like a walking, talking emotional disaster zone.
I do know that the NC works too. I know it works because when I get a text from him (which is about every ten days), I notice myself re-lapsing. I should just block his number, but I haven’t had the guts to do that yet.
I will continue to come to BR to gain strength from all your posts!
I finally blocked the ex’s number after getting texts from him every few days( even though I didn’t respond) because it kept me in the draining emotional warfare cycle. I cried after texts and it brought back a new round of pain, regret, doubt, etc. I highly recommend blocking phone and email. It’s a decision that finally becomes about you, a commitment that is really about saving yourself. The relief you feel is palpable.
Selkie,
I’m sorry for the bad times you endured but I glad you feel really good about yourself. now. It’s too bad that we have to learn by experiences such bitter lessons. Don’t look back. Full steam ahead!
Thank you Tink.
Thank you so much for this post, Nat. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
I don’t know if you know that I finally realized in August of last year that I am an alcoholic. For years, this was impacting my involvement with guys, and I was completely oblivious to it.
Now I am desperately trying to get on top of my drinking issues. I still haven’t managed to get sober, but my drinking has been seriously cut down, and I am still trying to get sober completely.
I was reading this post when i was spending Christmas with my ex.I really cannot decide what he was. We broke up two years ago and neither of us have been in any relationship since, i moved on from it and we decided to remain friends and our longest no contact was three months. This Christmas the invitation came in November telling me he bought me presents and want to spend Christmas with me as a friend although i was not completely over him i was little hopeful, this guy did not tell me why the relationship ended till two years later, and it was to do with my religion and and my job at the time. I did not lie to him about any of it. When I finished uni i founds it hard to find a job in my field so i was doing any job i could get. I later found out he was lying to his friends about my job which was not even that bad, i worked as a receptionist in a warehouse. I have tried really hard to get over this guy as i now know that he future faked our relationship. Within a week of meeting he asked me to be his girlfriend introduced me to his parents, friends and anyone that could listen for me this was a very scary so I was a little hesitant which caused a lot problems because when he said he loved me i could not say it back, although I liked him very much i was not in love at that time he asked me to move in i have never lived with a guy before so i was not sure either thing were moving very fast and before i know if 10 months later the relationship had ended no explanation no nothing, even reached out to his brother who kept saying his brother loved me and is not sure what happened. I spent two years confused dated a few people as i was really hurt felt rejected i wouldn’t even think, I had to see a professional at this stage as i was not sure how i got into this situation. Fast forward all this time we had broken up I was there supporting him as he was always so down. talked about his brain being messed up and not sure what happened. I was sympathetic for such a long time i could not stop crying on the phone when we spoke,as seeing also made it worst so we did not see either other but spoke frequently. The situation was pretty unhealthy I was angry at myself but never took it out on him, I was also so composed never showed anger trying to be nice as I thought he had problems and he had no friends or family in this country he needed a friend. I was drained because when he talked about how lost and confused he was I was dying inside wanting to say how much he hurt me and still hurting me. I really did want to be his friends in the end i realised that I was not being friend to myself. Around June we sleep together and he keep saying how he has not been with anyone sine we broke, up which was two years ago and how he was comparing other women he dated to me, I really did not know what to think of it all. After we sleep together in the morning his said to me, how is felt good that we could have a no string sex that statement hurt so bad, but me not wanted to make trouble i just left, and went home i just put i down to a mistake and i will get over it. I was doing fine again when he got in contact to meet him for drinks, silly me i did from that time he was asking me to stay over going on day trips, shopping, movies and after I went home he was cold again. This went on for four mouths when one day my friend took another one of our friend to speed dating and guess who was there my ex saying was looking for the one, and when he sees her he will know. This was after I asked what he was upto over weekend i was working and he said he was staying home as he need to save money. I felt bad that he was going to be alone. when my friend was telling me i asked him about he being at the speeding he said yes he was there after that even he gave me the silent treatment for three months. I did not contact him either after everything i was becoming numb. In the past i had deleted him from my life his number Facebook and every social network as he admitted to checking on me online. One evening he got in contact stating how he missed me but knew that i wont believe him as he kept messing up. I told him to live his life i was sick of telling this guy how i felt, i had lost of my self respect trying to understand and make if better but nothing i did was good enough, at one point I even begged him to try work on our relationship and he just said he cannot be bothered something he later denied because after he said that i left him alone so when he started contacting me again i was surprised as i now knew we didn’t want the same things from each other. In November when i got the invitation for his birthday weekend and Christmas which was about the same time, silly me decided to spend £200 on presents money was not the issue as i was in a job i was very happy with and i did not care about the money. He picked me up from my house and kept saying I need to bring my stuff over as i am staying over for the weekend and for Christmas and after we are going on day trips all this time he kept saying i was his special friend. Me him his family and everyone involved was asking if he was back together as i had not seen them for over two years i did not know what to say as me ex tend to get too excited. I just kept saying we are friends his family was confused so i decided to ask him to tell them what was going on, which I later found out he never did. He was asking for kisses from me calling me by my pet name which he gave me holding hands, I was really uncomfortable with the situation i was staying for one week in this time we were sleeping together him being just like he was when we in a relationship but kept tilling me i was his special friend and how he has had a chocolate now looking for a vanilla (reference to me not being white)i put it down to a joke not to seem like i was being sensitive and did not think he was being racist. The day before i was meant to come back home we stayed up till 3am in the morning and talked about everything that happened between us this was the first time we had done this face to face i was hurt but had I forgiven him time ago but just wanted to communicate. The morning i was living he help bring my stuff to the bedroom putting everything on the bed, wet stuff an all even my dirty clothes from his washing machine. I felt like he was getting rid of evidence and he just went to clean his bathroom and said nothing, at this point was so angry everything that has happen just made me realise I was just for Christmas so when confronted as to what he really wanted, all he was he didn’t want a relationship, what we had was great and i had ruined all the good time by being upset that he was was acting different, and i was trying to make an asshole out of him. I was angry but this time i did not cry I just did not even want him touching me or dropping
home. I later apologized which I regretted but, i we have not spoken since New years. He is still on my facebook so are his family members but are hidden from timeline. I think I am doing ok but that was the end of it in the past. In the past I felt the need to be nice this time I feel nothing.
Hi Fatim:
I’m really sorry that you are going through this, but your situation sounds a lot like mine. Being strung along. Still caring for someone and using “friendship” as a way to still be with that person. I tried that. It doesn’t work. I wish you the best in finally allowing yourself to let go and be at peace.
fatim
you sound so young and niave, but hopefully not anymore. This guy sounds like he has a personality disorder, google ‘borderline personality disorder’ I have a much younger friend who dated just this type of crazy making, mixed messages kind of guy. You cannot ever talk to him again, he will waste your years for as long as you let him. YOu are far to empathic and it would be better used as a volunteer counsellor for abused women or something like that, NOT with him. He does not deserve your empathy becasue he uses it and uses you and has no intention of ever being the kind of guy you deserve. I don’t think he is capable even if he wanted to be, so no use in giving him a chance to hurt you again. seriously. As for being nice and not expressing your anger….bad move. express it, maybe not with him, unless you end it then and there and don’t give him a chance to tell you you are bad for being mad. He will say that becasue he knows he can manipulate you. Hope you stay out. If you go back, like my friend did, it’s to practice letting your anger out at the AC…which he deserves. but I think you would be better taking an assertiveness course and not let him abuse you more than he has. Good luck!
This guy is a horrible elitist, racist user. He used you for emotional support after he dumped you because of your religion and your job (!!) He tricked you into being friends-with-benefits. That thing of telling you he couldn’t get over you and then getting up the next morning after you think you’ve gotten back together and saying “isn’t it great we could have no-strings sex?” is one of the most sadistic things ever. Then he kept tricking you in the same way. THEN he pulls the big family holiday reunion, and then the nyeh-nyeh it didn’t mean anything bs and FINALLY you get angry and he says you “ruined everything.”
This guy took advantage of your kindness and faith in the goodness of others, in every way he could.
But here is who he is:
“kept tilling me i was his special friend and how he has had a chocolate now looking for a vanilla (reference to me not being white)”
“[he said] he didn’t want a relationship, what we had was great and i had ruined all the good time by being upset that he was was acting different, and i was trying to make an asshole out of him.”
He IS a racist. And he is disrespectful of women in general. And doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings.
You care so much about people’s feelings you trampled over your own so as to not ever point out he was actually an asshole.
From the very beginning, with the fast-forwarding, you were uncomfortable. You were uncomfortable at every stage. Because you are wise, deep down.
It is terrible you met this man, because you could have given the very same empathy and kindness to a decent guy and enjoyed a real relationship instead of such horrible abuse.
And yes, he will do it forever, for the rest of your life, if you let him. So never talk to him, block him on all social sites, unfriend his family (I am sure they are nice, but it sounds to me like on Christmas he used you as a prop or buffer), filter his email straight to trash. Because he is really really manipulative and mean, and it had nothing to do with you, it is who he is.
Right on the mark with my thoughts today, I am rather a creative person and in many ways haven’t even begun to LIVE.. trying to win someone’s decency that refuses to give it and or just plainly is not and was not decent anyhow before you even arrived? That just sucks the life and time that could been spent doing other things for sure.
And then to make it worse you beat yourself up for having wasted time thus wasting yet more time, they are just not there in the same place period, some will never be, some might have hope to one-day be just not with you.. in any case it’s waste of time and taxing on my time that could be spent making a
decoupage mask, a cleaner home, working on my body and damn thing that would have shown me real results, LOL!
Maybe it’s even time to pull out that vaginal exerciser thing while I am at it.
Talking to unresponsive walls? wow that was fun.. NEXT!
Actually I had planned to start a March to May madness thingy, It is gonna be about, Improving myself, and finding things to enjoy and to enjoy with my son..and NOTHING and NOTHING about what it was for way too long there, taht did nothing but make me crazy, I do not need crazy even one more time.
Like give me a feather, a rock and a plant to grow and even that looks like a miracle of something in comparison to the dark hole I somehow fell into.
I’m still waiting for all my wrong turns to show me it was best in long run. I do feel it has attacked my self worth, and some days it’s really hard to rise above it and some days I don’t even want to try. I’ve given up on ever getting married, I’m over 50, so that’s probably a wise thing, it doesn’t take away the hurt though. I just wonder what the heck I did to not ever be worthy of a good relationship and marriage. It is not true, we are all worthy yes, but if it doesn’t happen then there is no point in worthiness or not. I did not set up my career and my life to be single forever and yet that seems to be what is happening, no matter how much I try, or for that matter, don’t try too. My reality seems to point to singleness. I can’t even get a date from online dating and I am very attractive and smart, but not lucky in that department. I just don’t get it, and no amount of praying, hoping, letting go seems to change my situation. I know I am having a pity party right now, but some days that’s all I can do.
CC you more than likely do NOT want any date from no online deal, Honestly go back 6 years later and the same guys are still there, and you gotta wonder about that?
Not only that guaranteed a good portion will not have much going for them “upstairs” and I hear you, but then again the one thing I have not really done ever is just enjoy life and the things I enjoyed doing either, since my son and loss of jobs, That made it extra hard, he will be 11 soon and I raised him without his father involved.
It seems my life was one big TRICK with men and that I was just someone to harm for thrills in the most severe ways and even really sadistic ways emotionally.
And even though in the end when I am over them and they are just nobody to me any-longer and would love the chance to get something out of me again.. by then there is no chance left and I am completely seeing by then there is nothing we have in common upstairs, or morally or otherwise.
Really the guy I wanted? He was nothing and nothing like the one’s I ended up with at all in this life.
The list of what I really wanted VS what I was getting is so completely opposites.
And I was completely the opposite of them, God knows I could never smirk while someone cried or wish to demean anyone for mere kicks.
Looking back I know and can see clearly some had some main HUMAN wires that make us HUMAN completely pulled out somewhere.
My self worth was attacked a whole lot as well, I mean to the point of knowing pure darkness and having inability to get out of bed type of days.
Just seemed like there was a “set up” and the only thing that helps me is looking at it all from a spiritual point and questioning what did some force in this world have to GAIN by that, and what exactly was it afraid of me finding out or doing if I actually felt worthy?
just seems to be what it boiled down to a lot more than even men or relationships, what exactly did some dark force want to keep me from and what do I have that is so very threatening that it wanted me there?
Maybe after all.. I have something that is “Valuable” if anyone or any force is gonna work that damn hard to try and keep me from it.
Just maybe I need to find out what that is by doing some opposite things I was doing, Letting go of even questioning my self-worth?
That has to be it’s greatest fear.
outstanding analysis.
the fear: that you would leave.
the basis for your leaving: loving yourself.
loving yourself = being true to yourself = key to finding happiness, happiness being: doing what you want to do, every moment of the day, all the time.
these people hate themselves. they should! if you treated people as they do, you’d hate yourself, too! (and even if you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, that they “didn’t know better,” then this is even MORE reason to stay away: they were raised in this shite, of self-hatred!)
Brenda,
I know what you mean about the being stopped. It is an odd feeling, being stopped from your good. very frustrating. Also, I have noticed the repeat men on the online dating sites. I have been told by a guy, who did some research into the numbers on a particular dating site, he said there were more than twice the amount of women on the site, so that makes it even more challenging for us.
This is what I read about the online date numbers.
According to our research, Chemistry.com, Match.com, eHarmony, and PerfectMatch all have slightly more women than men, while FriendFinder, Lavalife, and Date.com have somewhat more men than women. However, the ratios are all fairly close to 50/50.
That said, the dating experience for men and women on these sites may be such that most women feel as if they must be in short supply. Since overall it is much more common for men to send the first message than women, many women have inboxes full of messages ranging from carefully-penned introductions to misspelled one-liners. On the other hand, since fewer women send first messages, men may have comparatively emptier inboxes, and may need to send first messages to quite a few women to get the replies they want.
The good news is that men and women look for love online in about equal numbers, so your odds of finding someone perfect for you should be pretty good, whether you’re male or female.
Yes, time and again the ‘one door closes, another one opens’ rule is proven right in my life, when it comes to jobs, houses, restaurants being full, etc. It happened recently when arrangements collapsed with a visiting speaker I was organising. As upsetting as it was, even at the time I knew it was his failure, not mine, and that I would end up with someone better (I did, with a lot of effort). I had to fight thoughts that I eff everything up, but I won. I know the rule very well, it’s true. But with relationships, well, I just hope one day I can look back and say all those closed doors were worth it, it’s a whole other world that I’m far less confident in. But as have said before, it only takes one and that makes me optimistic. I think the biggest danger is believing I’m in the last chance saloon. I don’t want to jump into the arms of the first man who ‘chooses’ me. It took 2 years for me to be interested in someone after the AC, so it’s very hard to let go when things don’t work out or to believe I have choice in who I end up with.
I met a guy 3 months ago who said he had been divorced since 2009. We hit it off/ dated but my gut kept telling me something was off. Fast forward to two weeks ago,I discover he’s still married. I was devastated and traumatized. I calmly texted him to tell him I knew he was married and to lose my number. It took every willpower not to confront him in person or call. It’s been 16 days of NC and it hurts like hell. Did I mention he was a Narc and an egomaniac? This post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thanks Natalie.
see now, I wouldn’t let him get away with this. let his wife know what he has been up to…maybe this is why married men stay away from me. I only dated one and I did tell his wife. Never happened to me again. I think for all the ladies that get into this type of dynamic, tell on the bastard! I truly believe when you own that right and energy, a married man will sniff you out and STAY AWAY from you.
@Iyaa, to add to my other comment don’t jeopardize your safety if you think the guy might retaliate if you tell on him. Maybe you can do it so it’s not obvious to him that’s it’s from you, After all, there are plenty of others he has done this to, so there could be half a dozen women he can accuse. Anyways, good luck.
Immediate NC is always best. Telling the wife is foolhardy and too risky. She more than likely knows her husband fools around with other women so why do YOU have to be the one to tell her something she already knows? It should be beneath you to do such a thing and bring yourself down to his level. There’ve been incidences when the well-meaning OW got bawled out or cursed at, even threatened with bodily harm from him or the wife for her trouble. I say “No”. Total silence is the best weapon you can use and the best revenge.
Although, I am happily married to a wonderful man. I would not have him had I not change the way I dealt with my relationship issues after my EUM/Assclown. If it wasn’t for him and his behavior (as well as mine), I would never have addressed my issues.
Through all the pain and sadness, I learned some valuable lessons by dealing with him and I KNOW that cutting contact was the best thing I ever did. If I hadn’t change I would never have flourished in my daily life as well as relationship life.
The crazy thing was after everything he did, I didn’t hate him. The ending wasn’t bitter (at least for me). I realized after he conviently called me to tell me was getting married to the woman he was seeing in front of and behind my back, I was 100% sure that the decision I made about him was sure and I wished him well.
stephanie,
that’s great that you changed. How old were you when you made the change, if it’s in your twenties, then it was easier, it’s harder when you are older. In my twenties, I did change, after my first AC, but that change did not help in the long run, I went from being a doormatt to not letting men get away with anything. Over the years, I’ve tried to balance that, but it’s hard to settle, yet that is what I feel I will most certainly need to do if I ever want to be in relationship. Some of us just don’t get that guy we envisioned, I know I haven’t come close. So, what changes did you make? You may have also been lucky to find a good guy. All the changes in the world won’t work with the kind of guys many of us are meeting. I have been good at keeping away the bad….but, where are the good ones? they don’t seem to be knocking on my door.
I was in my late twenties and the funny thing was I still met a couple of EUM/AC after I made changes it just got easier. So what I did was stop dating altogether and lived my life. I didn’t care whether I was in a relationship or not, I focused on other things like paying off my debt and buying a house. I did this for a year, then I met my husband.
Don’t get me wrong my husband had a complicated situation going on when I met him. He was newly separated and going through a divorce so its not like he came in on white horse and rescued me. The thing was I just changed the way I approached relationships and took my time. I got to know my husband and he was just a nice guy who I didn’t have to teach how to treat me well. He had his issues surrounding getting married again, which I understood, but he treated me with the respect and love that I deserved and I took the chance with him and waited for him to feel comfortable with getting married again. Don’t get me wrong, I had a limit to how long I was going to wait and I held his feet to the fire and he ultimately came around.
The thing I want to emphasize is before I met him I was happy and accepted that I might spend the rest of my life alone and I was fine with that!! Even today if my husband left me, I would still be find because he would find me the same way he met me HAPPY!
The title of Natalies post is right on spot for me! So is the whole column. Merci!!
Natalie, you made me cry. I’m in a horrible situation at the monent, precicely because I expected that if I do everything “right” then things will work out… Ignored all the red flags, all the shady behavior, all the lies – and now on my own, skint, with a baby, awaiting court and scared of the future. But I really hope what happened will make me change and will give me a chance to be a better, stronger person, like you say; that I will finally learn to love myself and will be contented or even happy. Thank you so much for your blog x
MM,
You will be okay because you have to be for your child! Forget about him. Your child is your priority know and if you need a reason to put on your big girl panties this is it. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others, but the good thing about life is you can always rewrite your story, forgive yourself, learn your lesson and use that as a reference to make yourself and child stronger. You will be fine. Take a deep breath, exhale and say I love myself and my child and that all that matters.
Take care,
Stephanie
you have a baby, that will most surely make you stronger. You may, I hope, because of the baby, recognize the silver lining. Good Luck!
“In the end, the process of doing a good job and trying to be a decent person isn’t wrong, but ignoring your gut and hoping that people who show themselves to be flaky and dishonest will do right by you, is a flawed part of the process, and that’s the lesson he’s learned.”
Love this quote, Natalie. It really resonated with me. I used to wonder if trying to be a decent person was working against me a’ la “nice guys finish last”. It would appear that the wrongdoers always seem to get ahead, to make things happen, but then, things are not always what they seem. That go-getter attitude often provides only short term gain. It is not in my character to treat others wrongfully, so I’ll just keep to my chosen path with the hard lessons I’ve learned: 1) when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time, and 2) always trust my instincts. Assclown at work and the live-in girlfriend broke up and he ‘kicked her out’, based on conversations and gossip I’ve overheard. He still only communicates with me when he needs something, which is fine, because otherwise, he acts as if I don’t even exist. Today, he actually said this to me: “Since I no longer live with a psycho who still might try to kill me one day, you can come to my class” (he’s a spinning instructor). WTH? I just looked at him. OK, since things didn’t work out with ‘Ms. Right’ he thinks that one year later, he can resume what was clearly a malignant relationshit and I’ll be cool with it? Wow. I will continue to stay as far away from his ass as possible.
Sanntay,
They broke up, anyway. Tee,hee,hee! Knowing that should reinforce to you that you got out relatively unscathed, even though it didn’t seem so at the time. I’m sure you would not want to trade places with her. He’s a rat’s ass.
Thanks Tink. Your comment made me giggle. Yes, I do feel somewhat validated and can now appreciate the dumping as a blessing. Maybe one day Assclown will learn that you reap what you sow.
Hope you are doing well. XO
Maybe, he’ll learn before he’s 6 ft. under. Those types usually never get it. They have no concept of how to treat others, and what is and is not acceptable behavior. Glad you’re free as a bumble bee.
I wanted to say that I AM starting to feel a little bit better and it’s been months, (mostly from reading A LOT of BR) after having many, many days where I really wasn’t sure I would ever be able to find any resolve or feel better about myself.
I completely lost myself in the battle to get what I was promised by my big huge ass clown. It became more important to me to stay so I could prove to him that he wasn’t coming through, that he had duped me and I needed him to know that I wasn’t stupid and I was “good enough”. Sadly, I was desperate for HIS approval and attention. He was constantly pulling the rug out from under me and changing the playing field and being unavailable. He was selfish, self-absorbed, a total flake and was using me in every way, support, advice, sex, ideas etc. I used to feel completely bewildered and confused by him
Looking back, it got to the point where it was as if I wanted to make him feel stuck with me and my scorn when I realized he was full of it, since he was so charming and persisted so hard to get me to be with him in the beginning(i had a lot of reservations)and then he continued to blow hot and cold, and I didn’t get it. But when I did, I think I wanted to make him pay for tricking me, major future faking, and I was spiteful when I realized I had made a HUGE mistake, but underneath my poor behavior, I really wanted the “him” from the beginning to come back and love me, but he never did and he was never going to. That him was an illusion and I think the me that I was being in the beginning was a bit of a role and illusion too (i think i was auditioning for the part)
Every time I answered the phone or opened the door I was hoping that he was going to be someone else but it was still the self-absorbed, me me me, arse clown that I had come to know and feel disdain for and I was pissed because that’s not who I fell in love with. My loving feelings had long since left the bldg and had turned to resentment and I wanted to make him pay for that. WOW…I never quite realized or fully admitted this before.
I thought if I tried to point out every time he was inconsistent, full of crap, wasn’t meeting my needs, was using me, being selfish etc maybe he would snap out of it and see ME, my worth and value, that I was unhappy, that he reeled me in with a bunch of false charm and wasn’t coming through and that he owed it to me and himself to come through…but at what cost was I doing this? In the end, it wasn’t worth it, at all.
It got to a point where it was like… you want to eff with me and my life, well I’m smarter than you and without you fully realizing it, I will eff with you and be the thorn in your side, pointing out what a disappointment you are until you either come through or it’s OVER. It was awful. I’m embarrassed to now have to admit it and Yuck.
Sad part is I actually believed that he loved me and would see that he really wanted to deliver on all the things he promised along the way.
“We’re invested in the predicted result that ‘should’ have happened”…that was me
Wow, that was me in the last relationship. I’d paid attention both in my marriage and in my other serious relationship, and made sure to walk out before things became unbearable. But in this last one, I completely lost my compass. First of all, I got really attached to him over time. Second, a lot of what we did together was actually good till the end (we share many common interests, which is what our relationship was mainly built on – I know, I know, that was mistake number 1, but none of knew at that time). Also, about a year into our relationship, I had emergency surgery with a fairly long (6-8 weeks) recovery period, and an especially difficult first week, and he took amazing care of me while I was recovering from my surgery. I have this weird loyalty streak where I decided that I now had to stick by him and do what I could to keep him happy because of what he’d done for me that one time. So I completely missed the point when things went bad. And they went bad primarily for me. I was worn out, sleep-deprived, irritable, having anxiety attacks on a regular basis; towards the end I was pretty much a zombie. And I still somehow thought all was good and that I was happy and in love with a man who was treating me like gold… even when the days of him treating me like gold were long past. I was dead set on staying loyal to him and would’ve run myself into the ground, if he hadn’t left me. I now think of it as the last of all the good things he’d done for me. I am very thankful to him now for ending things.
Granted, I am still rebuilding my life, and will probably never get my old friends back completely. I’d rearranged all my life around him, his friends, and his town. When he walked away, I was left with no life of my own, no friends, nothing to do. I’m still working on restoring that. But at least I am not exhausted all of the time, and am getting enough sleep – that is definitely a positive!
Only thing I wish he’d have done differently is, shortly before our breakup, we went on vacation together. (He ended it three days after we returned from vacation.) Well he has a job with a good number of regular vacation days every year. But I changed jobs less than a year ago, and had to borrow five vacation days from almost a year in advance to go with him. I am still in the negative on my vacation, and will be till summer. So, I wish he’d have broken up with me before our vacation and not after. I’m pretty sure he knew he was going to do it anyway, so he could’ve done the right thing and saved me the five PTO days I now so desperately need. It was a pretty horrible vacation anyway, he somehow arranged it for his friends and or family to spend time with us pretty much 24×7. I wish he’d have gone on it alone, or canceled it, instead. Oh well, it’ll be a lesson for me to pay close attention next time, both to my feelings and to any changes in the dynamic of a relationship I might be in.
hey baggage reclaimers
I still look at this site, although, thankfully I can see I’m still (!) in a good relationship, based on love, care and respect, after 18 months of dating, taking it slow, letting things unfold.
That might sound a bit smug. But really, it hasn’t happened without working through all my issues beforehand and getting out of a AC relationshit with a MM. NC works, painful, but it works. I just wanted to post to say keep reading, it helps, it works and things will be well for all of you. But it has to be well with you first and then the good things will come and you can be in control of your own happiness, health and peace, not look to others, or other things to fix that for you.
I had some dark, dark times of despair, hurt and loss. But really, all I lost was crumbs. It didn’t look like it at the time, but once I regained my own sense of self, life has been good.
Take time to be exclusive, just for you. Always. And you will be well, and you will be loved.
Suzy,
I could have written what you’ve said. I’m very happy for you. Yes, the world is a rosier place once you come to your senses and realize you come before ANY man.
I really like this post. The things that i have struggled with, and still am to some degree, is that coming to a place where you can accept your own behaviour when faced with situations that trigger all the stuff you have accumulated. Its not that you can’t forgive the situation, but that admitting you behaved in a negative , destructive way. For me thats the key. That is the thing I most want to learn. You can’t take back unkind things that you have said. I want to learn that no matter what i am confronted by, that i will know enough to grasp that my accountability to myself is what i have, and what i choose to live by, and so very simply,truly learn compassion.To stop seeing others behaviour as being about me, To recognise that, and not be so ego centric.
All of your stories resonate with me. ALL of them. I feel young but well I have a grown daughter and have been out of a marriage for wow, ahem, thirty years. I have mostly dated men that picked me (rather than me picking them) and went along until they showed me they were uncommitted (didn’t walk the talk), OR I sabotaged the relationship because of my lack of interest. Honestly, I realize that now. So when I finally ‘picked’ someone last year, someone I was really attracted to (finally) and for whom there was a lot of chemistry and we both were quite athletic (all of my supposed requirements of a good relationship, or so I thought), I agreed with myself that whatever the outcome, at least THIS TIME, I get to choose. We had known each other for about two years at that point and had dated a few times (no intimacy) but it came and went without any discussion on our part. Now I see that was all part of the ‘be here-disappear’ pattern. Aha. We dated for seven months. The last weekend we ever spoke we had plans to meet a married couple, friends of mine, (that he had met with me a few weeks before), for dinner and to see a local bike race at night in our neighborhood. One hour before we were to meet my friends, I wanted to clear the air because I wasn’t sure that he wanted to go, so I asked him. (He had seemed lukewarm to me and two days before when I asked him in a non-confrontational way why he liked to make plans more at the last minute, he looked at me and said “because I can.” The night of the dinner he told me that I had already asked him four times if he wanted to go (Huh??? I may have mentioned it on four different occasions as in, where we would eat dinner, etc. but ASKED 4 times? Where did that come from? No.), that he felt ‘uncomfortable’ and now he wasn’t going to go. Oh, and that we should ‘leave it for another day’. Even though I pleaded (I cringe now realizing that but oh what the frick) that it was a nice night and let’s just go and meet my friends and that I really would like for him to come, he told me he had given me his answer and that he was not going. I called him three days later (yeah I called HIM, messed up right) and left a message to give me a call. I was trying to take the high road. I knew it was over because enough was enough. I was going to tell him nicely that I enjoyed meeting him and that I hoped we could be friendly and say hello in the future if we saw each other at the gym. You know, give it some closure. He never contacted me again. Never called me back. Never texted, Facebooked, emailed. No USPS letters either lol. Now this wasn’t someone I met online and thus he could just choose to disappear into the woodwork. He worked AT MY GYM. He lived IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. I had friends at the gym who knew both of us. Potentially I would be seeing him every day from where he was stationed at the front desk. When he didn’t return my call for a week and a half, I made an intuitive decision for which I was quite proud. I went (what I now realized is called) NC. I quit the gym (not before joining one significantly nearer to me lol), deleted him on Facebook (unfortunately not before he had posted a picture of himself standing in-between two long-haired-false-eyelash-and-hot-pants-wearing twenty-something women hired to work at a boxing event) (note he is early fifties) and another picture of him at a park obviously taken by someone else (not a selfie). (Note, I have nothing against false eyelashes, I think they look cool at the right event, just trying to set the stage). That was it. Nothing. Nada. No word. No contact. Summer passed. Fall passed. Winter began. Seven months after he disappeared, he texted me to wish me a happy birthday. In his text he said that he knew we weren’t talking (WE????) but that I was a ‘great person’. Wtf? Conscience salve? I was visiting family in another country at the time, was not even thinking about him anymore. Getting the text sucked. I didn’t respond. A month after that (January) he was standing on a street corner in my neighborhood, saw me riding my bike and loudly called out my name twice to get my attention. I gotta admit it felt really REALLY good to look directly at him and deliberately look away without saying anything. Sure I guess I could have gone up and asked him why he treated me that way, or why he never returned my phone call, or why he never contacted me again, or told him what an AC he was, or something to that effect. But you know what? What would be the point now? He treated me disrespectfully. It’s over. It’s been over for ages. He doesn’t deserve my attention. And more importantly, I don’t want to engage with him on ANY level (think mile-high boundaries). The point I want to make here is that never ever in ALL of my life had anyone EVER treated me so disrespectfully that they actually DISAPPEARED on me. Actually, I had never heard of that or considered it as a way of ending a relationship. Seems naïve now but it’s true. Someone that lived in my neighborhood, worked at my gym, had met my daughter and I had met his. Someone with whom there was a high probability that we would run into each other again. WHO does that? I wanted to know. I looked online. I uncovered words and phrases: narcissism, lack of empathy. I was told it was due to a lack of courage and, yes, at the same time, hostility. I was shocked; I was devastated. I was pissed at myself because I had invested too much of myself, I had tried too hard, I had felt horrible at times (he didn’t just blow hot and cold, more like, after a while, lukewarm and cold) and didn’t end it EVEN after several humiliating situations that he seemed to take pleasure in. I looked back and saw a red flag I ignored at least every month of the seven months we dated. Ugh. Well guess what? I read a lot online, talked to friends, yes, found a therapist, and discovered this site. Wow. I never knew. Myself. ACs. EUM. Wow. And then I realized. This guy was my AC Epiphany Man (ACEM). I am really grateful for the sum total of all of the posts on this site. Boundaries. ACs. Look to yourself. Self-esteem issues. Red flag. UEMs. Self-respect. Dating hiatus. Fall-back girl. Cycles of engagement. Disrespectful to myself. Opt out. Amber alert. Abort mission. ALL of it. I have learned SO much. And apropos of today’s post, I would NEVER have learned all of this if it weren’t for ACEM. I feel so much better now. I am much steadier. I take my time. I am working on believing in myself more and more every day. I rarely make the ‘popular’ decision but boy does it feel good that I decide what is right for me. I have a lot of friends who exhibit towards me caring, respect, love and trust, and vice versa. I am on my way and armed with all of this information that I would NEVER have stumbled on and never have learned if it weren’t for the ACEM. All of this gave me the opportunity to “step back and see that this situation wasn’t befitting of me”. I promise to choose only situations befitting of me in the future. And opt out if a red flag presents itself. And trust myself. And speak up for myself. And ask questions. ETC. Thank you NL, and everyone who contributed to this recognition. As a mural on a brick wall in my neighborhood says,’ when one door closes, many more r open’.
igotout,
Yay for you! I liked reading your comment. As I’ve said before about assclown ex’s who come back around after treating us like crap and then thinking all is going to be friendly and nice…. go hump someone else’s leg. It’s because in their mind they still think of us as dog poo who will gobble up any crap they dish out. We owe them nothing….and a blank stare is perfect. I think how you handled it was perfect. I bet he’ll be around again though, so be ready. His huge ego is probably hurting right now.
Igotout,
Your story is so uplifting. You knew how to handle yourself and THE JERK. He was actually mean to you on top of being disrespectful, inconsiderate and arrogant. A fifty-something yr old “man” behaving that way? Sad. So glad you didn’t give him another opening as I was holdong my breath until you finished. So many BRers stories start out encouraging and then they report that they broke NC or just went back to them again. I am so glad you didn’t. Please take good care of YOU and keep in touch on here. Tink.
Dear igotout,
Ohmygoodness me, I could have written this post! The very same disgusting cowardly thing happened to me in August of last year.
I met a guy who also lives in the same neighbourhood. We walked the same mountain and we started talking. Things progressed and although there were red flags at the time, I didn’t have a strong concept of them, nor did I have a strong sense of self-worth and my boundaries were sadly non-existent.
Anyway, I don’t want to get into too much detail about the cowardly wanker, because I have in past posts, but I was disappeared on too. We’d known each other about five months, formally seeing each other for about three/four of those. I had sensed his retreat, through some hot/cold behaviour, and I called him out on it. He responded defensively, and apologised, and then POOF! Magic! Gone! Vanished! Disappeared ino thin air! No goodbye, no ‘sorry, Nel, but I can’t do this’, absolutely nothing!
It killed me inside for a good chunk of time (until I discovered BR) for a number of reasons:
1) how someone could be so cowardly and have such disdain for the relationship, and the feelings of another person;
2) how someone can be so self-absorbed/narcissistic that they may not even consider 1); and
3) the utter cruelty of it.
Amongst other things. I just couldn’t fathom it all, and I really struggled to understand the act of disappearing. Too nice for my own good sometimes, I blamed myself and I endlessly hoped he’d re-establish contact. And then I discovered BR.
I am slowly building boundaries, I am slowly realising my worth, and after some wonderful words of advice from Nigella in a previous post, I am becoming a bit of an unconquerable Nel.
In terms of the cowardly wanker himself, I’ve seen him around, although he’s gone to some extreme measures to continue his spineless method of avoidance. It only goes to illustrate (and confirm my suspicisions about) how weak he actually is, and prove that, I too, like you thankfully dodged a bullet and ‘got out’!
After some golden wisdom recently from lovely ladies on BR (Nigella, Lorraine and Tink – thank you), I am really becoming incredibly stronger. I feel I could walk past him and not be tempted to smile and say hello, as I would have done had I not discovered BR. In the last few days, I have become quite a proud, confident little Nel, and feel I could walk past him without any acknowledgement of him whatsoever – just as you have done.
Because they have shown their utter disregard for us, the relationship that was, and our feelings. You are so admirable in the way you have ignored your AC/EUM. I hope I can absolutely do the same when the time comes. The more I read, and write, on here, the more I feel potent hatred of him, and the less sympathy I feel (I once felt a lot – poor wounded soul as he casted himself to be).
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that this has happened to me too. And the only words I can find to explain it are: cowardly, pathetic, disgusting, spineless wanker.
Best wishes to you, and a big congratulatory hug for the strength you have shown to this man who gave you no consideration at the end.
Love Nel
And I have to mention Poppy’s advice as well. Sorry I shouldn’t name people individually, and I am truly sorry too if I have forgotten anyone. But I wish I could all give you a bit squishy hug as a thank you, because I honestly cannot thank you enough for all the wise advice you have so generously offered. I am a girl walking with her head held so much higher these days.
Dear LovefromNel, Tinkerbell and Selkie,
Thank you for your wow incredibly supportive responses. Words on a page saying thank you don’t even in any way do my feelings justice.
So I’ll just say it again. Thank you.
xo
Ladies,
This is a wonderful sisterhood we have, don’t we? We’re able to vent our frustrations and gain the most wise advice from each other that cannot be found anywhere else. How fortunate we all are to have BR.
The writing on the wall eh? Great post Igotout, you were me a couple of years ago, now I’m happy in a lovely relationship and will always be grateful for the big blast of sunshine I got from discovering Natalie’s dedicated work. I still come here, it helps me calibrate myself, the posts are still valid in or out of a relationship and at the delicious age of 50 I’m still learning, growing and understanding myself. keeping the faith in yourself is the benchmark you need to grow on and up. Good luck with everything, you sound amazing and anyone doing NC and going through it right now, take note. It’s all going to get better and better.
theseamstress,
Thank you for your supportive (and very hopeful) words! YOU sound amazing, and yes, I’m going to keep going. Definitely. It was a major AHA moment when I began reading NL’s posts.
And I believe that too: every day better and better. (And I practice my German that way, lol: jeden Tag besser und besser). 🙂
xo
Distance! Time! Blessings in Disguise!!
Yes Natalie, thanks again. I always feel so much better after reading your articles and I am improving! Love You.
I couldn’t see it at the time, but now realize the break-up had nothing to do with my self worth. For some reason, I was seeking validation from the AC. What a waste of effort. I constantly wondered what I was doing “wrong” that he couldn’t love me. I didn’t realize it wasn’t me. It was him being emotionally unavailable.
He was always telling me how I didn’t measure up in some way. Who is he to determine what I should be and do? He was critical, opinionated, caustic, and dishonest. I am so thankful I didn’t end up with him, althought it’s what I thought I wanted at the time.
Reading BR and the passage of time has been a great help. Natalie is right – sometimes things that appear to be a “wrong” outcome can actually be the best thing to happen.
I know if I had stayed with the AC I would have constantly been on an emotional rollercoaster. And I couldn’t see the right person for being so focused on the wrong one.
Even after going through so much hurt and turmoil, I feel so relieved. I sometimes think about how much pain I saved myself. If I had stayed with him, he would not have changed. I wish I had recognized AC behavior before I let him trample all over my self esteem, but it’s been a valuable life lesson. Never again!
I was seeking validation too. My ex EUM would actually tell me when we were friends (and he was on a dating site) that he would compare girls to me. Which then left me even more confused as the why he just wasn’t with me…he chases a feeling. And I think has the grass is always greener syndrome. He will never find what he is looking for. He uses people to escape himself.
totally agree with you. I’m a great catch but no matter how great you are, he wasn’t able to value me so I value me more and ended it. Sometimes they aren’t ready for greatness. haha
I never realized I attached my worth to unsuccessful relationships until I decided to go into therapy. I’m a product of an affair, so I subconsciously reenacted what I experienced as a child and set myself up in unsuccessful “relationships”. It took a lot of courage to face my Self and to admit that I had trust issues with myself and repeatedly doubted my gut instinct. Part of me is still afraid that I haven’t broken old patterns, but I learned that I need to get more in tuned with my body, mind and spirit and follow my internal compass. Along with therapy, this blog helped changed my perspective about myself and empowered me and I appreciate you Natalie.
Yep, after a total of 4 1/2 years of dealing with the AC, I do wish the sadness could end. My logical mind knows that this dude is either an extreme narc or socialized psychopath, he has destroyed other women and surely he did me a favor by publicly revealing his involvement with someone else. I understand that. Still I feel rejected, sad, ugly. Though I am in my 50s, I do want to be married again but it must be to someone I can respect, that I am attracted to who values me for who I am. I was in a great marriage for 12 years and man, do I miss it. I always have been independent, self sufficient, and my ex husband respected that. Since the AC, I have learned to spot future fakers, deadbeats, wounded birds and have avoided involvement with them all. My illogical mind tells me that these dudes (along with a few MMs) approach me because I am undesirable and do not deserve better. My logical mind says these dudes approach because these types of dudes are ALL there are available, both IRL and on line, in this region. I give a lot to job and community, serve as an example of sustainability and self sufficiency in an area where most sold their souls to mining and drugs. Still, I feel sad, rejected, alone, drained, like I am throwing my life away. Maybe too much went wrong in too little time. Within a decade, my life was threatened, I had to leave, my marriage broke up, I was stalked, attacked, survived breast cancer alone, moved again to a town in the mountains hoping things would improve, then came the AC. An administrator told me today how glad he was that it is me heading up this million plus dollar center, how glad I was now working in his field, and I burst into tears; told him that was the first positive affirmation I’ve had in a while. Not exactly professional, eh? Nope, you cannot change people; my biggest lesson has been that although I bust my butt to be a person of integrity, to go out of my way to help and not hurt, many people don’t feel the need to do likewise. As hard as this post was to read, it was necessary. I need to get off my sorry butt and teach myself to stop feeling the need for another and force, force, force myself, injured arm and all, to get more done on this house, at work, so I can (literally) move on. Sorry to be such a self pitying pig but the arm injury, coupled with record snowfall, plus, right now, a dying pet, has me feeling very isolated and very overwhelmed.
Noquay I admire you and all the ladies on BR. I think, when we are treated in such a cruel way, we are left in a state of shock! It takes time to recover. And reading your stories helps – I am not alone.
Noquay,
What happened to your arm? I don’t remember you posting about that. I ask because my daughter called me just last night and told me she fell down some stairs and fractured her elbow. Oh dear, I’m so upset and worried over her. That’s my baby. I’ve just gotten through worrying over and nursing Mr. Special and now it’s my daughter. Damn!
Sent you a comment on the Drip feeding post I’d like you to read.
You are so strong and capable, Noquay. I wonder if you are really still recovering from the treachery of the AC, or is the sadness you’re feeling due to the hopelessness of your situation pertaining to finding a good, suitable man for your unique needs. I tend to think it’s more the latter that is keeping you in a bit of a rut. Also wintertime and all the snow and extra shovelling etc, is tough on a woman living alone. I’m so sick of it, myself. It’s beautiful if you have the luxury of just looking at all the white everywhere, but not much fun dealing with it everyday.
Tinkerbell
I have a serious tendon injury to my right arm, due to overuse, too much heavy lifting. Yep, life feels like one giant Catch-22. Part having to deal with the AC on a regular basis plus fending off bearers of many red flags, plus extreme loneliness. Put myself out there and here come the meal ticket seekers, isolate and I am totally alone, family not being an option. Talk about the plight of women here and I am being negative and bitter. Say nothing and we loose women, especially women students. If I bail, I cannot afford to support my dad and will be very poor when I retire. If I stay, there are 6+ more years of this to endure. I am trying to start an entire new program at work, yet I am dissed for again, being negative and burned out. With the arm, I have asked for help, some even volunteered, then they do not show up; if I deal with shoveling, lifting and am in pain as a result, I am criticized for that. Folks say to simplify, get rid of my critters to make life easier, yet being able to come home to beings that actually appreciate and depend on me, living a life of purpose, is what keeps me alive. Just no winning here. I pat myself on the back for avoiding bearers of red flags of all stripes, handling the AC and community situation as best I can, but yep, I feel trapped, frustrated, and very alone.
Noquay, Feeling trapped is bad. I know you have a lot of responsibilities but obviously you are a smart woman so things could work out for you elsewhere. Opportunity is freeing. I think you need some fresh hope and it isnt where you live. I moved several years ago because I felt like the environment was supportive of what I wanted for my life. Obviously im still working on me but I can say I dont feel trapped in a stagnant environment anymore and that is freeing. Hope you feel better. Take care.
I near cried while reading the second to last paragraph.
This is the first time in my life I’ve actually gotten to live as me.
Me too, Peanut, that encapsulates my whole glut of feelings on moving closer to the real me, finding my true worth and sticking to my boundaries and with my values. I am now writing a book, being more creative as an artist, than I ever have before and I am much much nicer to be around because I took control of my own happiness instead of leaving it to idiots I had sex with or made dinner for. I’ve got so much more headspace in which to play now I’m not obsessing over bullshit. Now I have the desired results, I just didn’t know what they were before.
seamstress,
You get it girl!
Nothing feels as good as self-respect. Absolutely nothing 😉
Reading Natalie’s blog and everyone’s comments over the past year has been very therapeutic. I dated my ex EUM for 5 years and was scheduled to be married march of 2013. 75 days before the wedding he sent me a text about how he was upset that I didn’t go home with him for Christmas, how I spoke badly about his mother, and how I didn’t help him with his father. None of this was true. It blew my mind. I was humiliated because everything was paid for by me and it was a destination wedding so my family had purchased their airline tickets. I am 41, a lawyer, and have a 15 year old son. I felt guilty that I exposed this monster to my son. I felt guilty that as a lawyer I missed or excused some serious red flags or better yet he outwitted me. I was devastated. I have been NC for 14 months. It wasn’t easy. But there comes a point where we have to start respecting ourselves more. I really wanted to be married. And if I’m honest with myself, I wanted “marriage” more than I really wanted him. I wanted validation so I can feel good enough. My ex suffers from a personality disorder. I never knew that was even a disorder. I learned so much from the most painful experience of my life. I still don’t quite understand how someone can just walk out your life in a blink of an eye and never look back, but I’ve learned that a person who is truly connected to you can’t do that. Fast forward to the new me today. I have learned to accept and truly love me. I have learned that everything I need to be happy is found within. I have learned that evil really does exist and to stop being so naive. For the first time in a year. I saw my ex fiancé in his car, which pulled up right next to me. He thought I was going to roll my window down and exchange niceties. Wrong!! I simply smiled and drove off. Ladies, once you realize your value, you won’t settle for less than you deserve. I’m not totally emotionally free from that experience, but I am so much better for it. My pain and despair forced me to discover the real me. We are Enough right now and no other person has the right to make you feel less than. No other person can determine your value or worth but You. Lesson learned.
StillStanding,
Reading your post made me feel happy for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Given that you were dealing with the end of a five-year-long relationship, it is amazing the extent to which you have recovered in such a short time. Like you, I cannot understand how people can just disappear and never look back. Sadly, BR posts indicate that scores of people go through this humiliating and heart-breaking experience. It really is a shame that there is no penalty, no punishment for the disappearing act. Oh well.
Instead of dwelling on the whys of their behavior, I know now that it it best to focus on – as you say – engaging in true self-care and self-acceptance. It is ludicrous the complaints he fired off at you in his text. How puerile of him to hide behind a text instead of sharing his feelings – grievances (justified or unjustified) – in person with you. So happy to see that you did not fall for the *blame-yourself-for-my-disappearance* trap.
If there is one life-changing lesson I have learned through BR it is this one: no matter what you do for an EU person, they can still find a reason to treat you unfairly and unkindly. I recall with a bit of sadness that once after spending a seemingly joyous and sunny time at the beach with the Liar, he said to me: “There must be something wrong with you. There has got to be something”. I am sad I did not realize at the time that no matter what I did for him, I could never stop him from searching for flaws in me – flaws that he could then use to justify mistreating me. Like you, I am not rushing to date again but am making an effort to figure out what I want. Here is a quote that nicely captures what I want: “I don’t want someone who thinks I’m perfect. I want someone who knows I’m not but loves me anyways”.
I clapped for you on your choosing not to exchange niceties with the grudge-holding dunce. Mr. Grudge shot himself in the foot by giving up on you.
Kudos for the smile and driving away! And your comments (pretty much your entire comment is very inspiring)about realising our own worth and value to include no longer being naive to evil, so true. Hugs and comfort to your current (and thankfully lessened) pained heart X
I think one of the hardest things is discovering there are people out that that don’t want to love and don’t want to be loved. And in some instances I think it is because they just love themselves; others are just an extension of themselves. I read another article that said people with personality disorders love you the way they love a favorite chair.
Exactly Cyrano They just aren’t capable of loving and everyone in their life is a pawn. It feels like love and even looks like love at some points but…the love is a lie. They would never disrespect you, devalue you or make you crazy if they were able to love in a healthy way.
Nigella,
“I don’t want someone who thinks I’m perfect. I want someone who knows I’m not but loves me anyways”. I so love this quote. I agree that we can never give enough, do enough, be enough for an EUM. The reason being they can’t see past who They are, which simply put, not enough. All of the blame and criticism they subjected us to on a daily basis was them projecting their own dysfunction. At the time I didn’t understand. I absorbed all the blame. I now realize that my childhood experiences made my relationship feel like “home” to me. Now I have a new address. Don’t get me wrong. I went through the sleepless nights, missing work, drastic weight and hair loss. But then I started reading self help books, praying, reading this blog, joining inspirational fb groups which have all helped. I now paint, take bubble baths and enjoy my peace. Even though I may not have a date for the weekend but I love just simply being….being free,being happy, being peaceful, being me, flaws and all. I still may have moments where I rehash what happened but then I realize the devil is in the details and change my thoughts. Like I mentioned earlier, I am 41. So lets do the math here. Spent 5 years with my sons father. 7 years grieving about that failed relationship. 5 years with my exEUM and 1 year of “recovery”. That is 18 years of my life that I can’t get back. That reality has help usher me to move on. Our EUM are enjoying their lives and we should too. Yes it hurts, but atleast we can heal from those old wounds instead of being wounded each and every day. Life is too short and I choose to live it free of all the garbage that has been dumped on me. I finally got my lid on. This has been a process but I know with continued love and support we will thrive.
Tinkerbell
The arm has tendon damage due to over-lifting. Besides the constant shoveling and snow blowing, I also have a ton of wood pellets to move plus firewood, plus chicken feed , plus working with a 100 lb poorly mannered dog, plus one very strong blind dog. Though I am above average height, I am slightly built, more wiry, and my arm just can’t handle the load. Colleagues offer help, then don’t show, putting me further behind. Then I try and do everything myself and I am perceived as some sort of man hater. Can’t win for loosing. I fully understand that the AC is broken, psychotic, and probably wishes me to totally collapse. Part of my sadness is still having to deal with him, albeit on a minimal basis, the other reason is a complete lack of hope of either learning to feel nothing for nobody or ever finding anyone even remotely suitable. A third issue is that, due to the fact that I present myself well, speak well, and am obviously very responsible, I get approached by many locals who are totally unsuitable and, due to their poor life’s decisions, are looking for someone to support them. So I feel a huge sense of injustice regarding the whole issue with the AC, am terribly lonely, am struggling to get my work done while injured and in pain, trying to do my job and then some, and plagued by folks who are very damaged, down and out, want to be with you yet have no ability to function in a rship; the sort that BR tells us to avoid like a case of Giardia. I am not a welfare as gency, nor a mental health professional, nor a sugar mommy. Plus my old kitty died last night. So yep, I am in a helluva rut and not sure how to escape it.
Noquay,
I’m so sorry about your cat. I’m a very passionate animal lover so I can relate.
I guess I did come pretty close to why you’re feeling blue. It’s no fun when you’re longing for attention from the RIGHT KIND of man. It can be very lonely mentally although you may lots to do physically. Well, thank goodness winter is more than half over. Do you think you’ll go back to your online capers?
Whoops, just replied once again to your earlier comment; not sure if I want to go on line again. Waste of a lot of money, gas, and here, it just seems like what one gets in my age group is not healthy in a multitude of ways. The guys that are “catches” from the Great Urban Metastasis down the road can find capable women without having to drive 100 miles. It really seems as though those willing to do so have few/no options. I’ve also spent time in the aforementioned metastasis and I hate it. At this point it is a choice of wither give up entirely or hope I can meet folks at this spring/summers races, the problem there being that there is a real possibility of out of towners being involved with someone else and not being up front about it, which happened to me last year. I had the good sense to walk away from that situation immediately.
Noquay,
I’m sorry you lost your Kitty. Pets hold special places in our hearts, it’s sad when they move on to become angel spirits. Sending water prayers to you and your kitty’s spirit.
Thanks. this particular kitty was deemed unadoptable and scheduled for lethal injection years ago when I said I would take her. I had gone into the shelter that day to walk dogs, wasn’t even looking for a cat and she climbed out of her cage onto my shoulder and hissed at the person who tried to put her back. She was at first stand-offish then warmed up and became my familiar, jumping into my lap every time I sat down. Sometimes the best pets choose you rather than the other way around.
I’m 18 days NC today! Whew…
I’m overwhelmed by the cycle of emotions I go through daily and although I’m taking it one day at a time, some days or even moments are not pretty…
Gosh, I loved that man, but I am starting to process that no matter how “sweet” I was, he’d always find my flaws and throw it in the spotlight and not just once, but over and over and over and over and over again…
I’ve always been an inherently happy person and have had long spells or singledom, but what I have learned about myself through loving this unlovable man so much is that I need to show myself that I LOVE myself MORE and no matter how hard you try to love another person, they are only capable of loving you as much as they love themselves, which usually is not that much…on the surface maybe, but who really wants that? I know I don’t…
For the first time in my life I’m beginning to discover really who I am and I’m really falling in love with me…I keep telling myself over and over again that there are men out there that will see all my flaws, but love me even that much more because they love all of me 🙂
Sorry for your bad experience but you will heal and there are good lessons to be learned. One thing that happened to me is that I learned alot about myself. My competitiveness and confidence led me to believe I could fix this disordered individual. I gave so much energy to the relationship until it almost sucked me dry. Never again will I love a man more than myself. And I won’t fight to fix him. The red flags in retrospect were all there…but I felt as long as he was trying I should hang in there. Noooo!! Run from energy vampires and don’t look back. Our sanity, health and well being are at stake.
Wendy,
So true. I was so sweet to him too and sometimes I think “good girls finish last” because they take us for granted. Oh well. I won’t let this change me or make me bitter. One day at a time.
Think I finally see the light and broke ties with my bf (again for like the 10th time) forgave him for cheating and having an online profile but trust was broken. I was going crazy and when I question him he kept saying I was crazy, paranoid and insecure. Blamed me and didn’t take responsibility for his actions. My accusations drove him to cheat. I had a month of back and forth but march 1 will be a start of NC with this selfish man. To constantly call me crazy and no wonder I haven’t found a man, because it’s my fault for driving them away. Time will heal but I can see clearer now. I was blurred the past month but I can see clearly that I tried my best in loving him but he was incapable of returning that love. I’m not mad; just sad but know it will open my to a man who will cherish me, because I’m a great catch. Can’t believe I was so blinded to be with this man, functioning alcoholic and chain smoker. Turning 40 this year but he acts 20. I will let Peter Pan fly around and play.
C,
Finish it for good. The more times you break up with him and then go back, the worse it is for you. By this time he’s lost all respect for you, assuming he ever had it in the first place. When a man does not have respect for you, you cannot expect good treatment. And, ironically with his history YOU should be the one having no respect. ICK! Does he represent how much you think of yourself? I certainly hope not. NC all the way!
Thanks Tinkerbell. I started losing respect for myself and embarrassed to even see friends with him after all that we have been through. You are right, I think he got used to lying to me, that it was all normal. Funny thing I was walking around today and realized, that I wanted the relationship more than I wanted him. I am officially done. There is only so many times a girl can get treated poorly. I’m glad I saw the light before investing more time and money on him (lingerie is expensive)..haha. one day at a time and having other women’s experiences helps. Let us all be strong and move forward in our lives and not be stuck in that “grey” area with no movement. Good luck ladies…
C
I’m really glad you’ve seen the light. Better late than never. GOOD LUCK!
Hi everyone,
the comments are as helpful as the articles! I love the nat’s summation:
“it’s a misappropriation of our energies if we, for instance, keep trying to make people who are reluctant to meet us in a mutual capacity, to love, validate and appreciate us, or to change their ways – and sometimes, we have to step back enough to see that a situation isn’t befitting of us.”
We had broken up 2 before – for an instant I thought about getting back together – we made plans to meet – then he bailed- disappeared – I called him out on it and he said “he was afraid things would be like they were” and “he needed more time”. I WOKE UP – if he’s not trying, then why the hell am I? and I told him he can take all the time he needs, but I deserve to be with someone that actually wants to be with me.
It hurt – it still does – but honestly, it should have been over long before this – he even admitted he was “skeptical we would work out” – sabotaged from the start – he didn’t want to be in it and he blamed me. His last dig was “i know you’re better off without me and find someone better than I apparently was..” Good grief – can’t even wish me well without it being about HIM!
I feel humiliated and embarrassed and I know I am better off but its my ego that hates that I was discarded like that. I only hope in time I see this as the blessing it is. No one should ever demean and treat someone and say the nasty things he did – I won’t repeat them since they aren’t worth remembering but it shows how much he must really hate himself and that’s sad…and I might care if he hadn’t taken it out on me. You can’t keep trying, caring and loving when there’s nothing being given back to you or worse- all you get back are demeaning nasty words and accusations. Cut and run.
I learned a lot from every single word written on this website. So much. I am so grateful for that. For the first time, I was able to end a short-term relationship as soon as I recognized that the person wasn’t emotionally available. He is actually a wonderful person. Just hadn’t dealt with the ending of his marriage even after being divorced for two years. Despite our efforts at working to be a couple, there was a void. I told him that I needed someone full-time on all levels, which he could not do. I listened to him when he said he wasn’t sure if wanted to be responsible for another person again or he liked his freedom. So I ended it last week. He graciously accepted the ending, and even said that my assessment of his “connectivity” was spot-on. While he has reached out to me only once since the break-up to let me know he was thinking of me, I am having a hard time getting over him. The insecure part of me wishes he would chase after me because that would mean I’m worth it. In this scenario, there are no bad or good guys. Just me trying to cope with feeling unworthy…when does it stop? How does it stop? Do I apply no contact/block him even though there was no drama? Wish I could stop feeling so sad.
“…it’s a misappropriation of our energies if we, for instance, keep trying to make people who are reluctant to meet us in a mutual capacity, to love, validate and appreciate us, or to change their ways – and sometimes, we have to step back enough to see that a situation isn’t befitting of us.” I’ve always said, if I pick up one nugget from a reading, it was a good read. Every article I read of yours is packed with good stuff. This one helped me stand on a decision I made to leave, even when it hurt and was not what I wanted to do. The outcome I wanted (that he would come chasing after me and bring me back) did not happen; and I am faced with my decision. It was the right process, the right decision and the wrong outcome. However, I am unable to say I’d do anything differently. This pain could truly be a sign of a hard earned blessing.